>> WE BEGIN WITH THAT DRAMATIC ESCALATION IN DONALD TRUMP'S
LEGAL PROBLEMS AS THE F.B.I.
SEARCHED HIS ESTATE IN SOUTH FLORIDA YESTERDAY, UNANNOUNCED.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT POSTED JUST BEFORE 7:00 P.M. LAST NIGHT THAT
MAR-A-LAGO WAS "CURRENTLY UNDER SIEGE, RAIDED, AND OCCUPIED BY A
LARGE GROUP OF F.B.I. AGENTS."
>> IT IS LITERALLY HARD TO NARROW DOWN THE POTENTIAL
FEDERAL CRIMES, WHICH POTENTIAL FEDERAL GRAND JURY INVESTIGATION
THIS RAID MIGHT HAVE PERTAINED TO.
>> IT'S TIME TO PLAY EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE GAME: "WHICH CRIME IS
IT?" ( APPLAUSE )
WE GIVE YOU A LEGAL ACTION AND YOU TRY TO GUESS WHICH OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S MANY CRIMES IT'S RELATED TO.
YESTERDAY, THE F.B.I. RAIDED THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S HOME IN PALM
BEACH AND REMOVED MULTIPLE BOXES OF EVIDENCE.
THIS ACTION BY THE F.B.I. IS CLEARLY RELATED TO ONE OF THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S MANY CRIMES.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GUESS WHICH CRIME IS IT?
TOM, YOU'RE UP.
PICK THE CRIME ( BUZZER )
>> NO, IT WASN'T OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
>> BING-BING, BONG-BONG!
>> YOU JUST HAVE TO PICK THE RIGHT CRIME HE COMMITTED.
SEXUAL ASSAULT, OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE, BRIBERY, DEFYING THE
UNITED STATES, CAMPAIGN FINANCE, THE HATCH ACT, PORN STAR HUSH
MONEY, RUSSIAN COLLUSION, SEXUAL MISCONDUCT, UKRAINE BLACKMAIL,
SEDITION, FAKE ELECTORS, ATTEMPTED COUP, TAX EVASION,
CHARITY SCAM, BANK FRAUD, DEFAMATION, OR REMOVING
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.
VIOLATION OF THE EMOLUMENTS CLAUSE, INCITING A RIOT, WITNESS
TAMPERING.
WOW, WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOARD.
WHILE WE ADDRESS THAT, STAY TUNED FOR "CAN HE FLUSH IT?"
( TOILET FLUSHING )
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
BEN STILLER AND D'ARCY CARDEN
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, WITH SPECIAL GUEST JOE
WALSH.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU,
MY FRIEND.
HELLO, JOSEPH.
HELLO, LOUIS.
HAPPY TUESDAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
YEAH, YEAH.
WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
THANKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT WAS IT TODAY?
IT WAS LIKE 96 DEGREES OUTSIDE.
THANK YOU ALL FOR STANDING UP IN THIS HEAT AND BEING HERE
TONIGHT.
OF COURSE, IT MAY BE HOT OUT THERE--
( APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE THE HEROES.
STAY HYDRATED.
IT MAY BE HOT OUTSIDE, BUT IN HERE IT'S CHRISTMAS.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE GOT THE PRESENT WE WANTED:
F.B.I. AGENTS RAIDED MAR-A-LAGO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MWAH!
THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SENTENCE AMERICA HAS EVER
PRODUCED.
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH "WE PUT CHEESE INSIDE THE CRUST."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW: EARLY
MONDAY MORNING, THE F.B.I.
EXECUTED A SEARCH WARRANT ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S OFFICES AND
PERSONAL QUARTERS.
I FEEL BAD FOR THOSE AGENTS.
"SIR, I FINISHED SEARCHING THE CABINET FULL OF EMPTY CHICKEN
BUCKETS.
WHERE SHOULD I GO NEXT?
PLEASE DON'T SAY THE BATHROOM.
PLEASE DON'T SAY THE BATHROOM."
SO WE KNOW THE RAID HAPPENED, BUT STILL WE'RE NOT SURE WHY THE
RAID HAPPENED, BECAUSE WE DON'T YET KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE
WARRANT.
THINK ABOUT THAT.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
OF AMERICA.
THE F.B.I. RAIDS HIS HOME, AND ALL WE CAN THINK IS, "HMM, I
WONDER WHICH OF HIS CRIMES THEY'RE INVESTIGATING."
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE HE'S DONE SO MANY, IT'S
HARD-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AT THIS POINT, AT THIS POINT, HE CAN'T KEEP TRACK.
"SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"
"LET'S SEE.
THE BODIES IN MY TRUNK?
THE METH IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT?
THE BACKSEAT FULL OF ILLEGAL SPIDER MONKEYS WHO DEFINITELY
GOT INTO THE METH?
NO?
OH, IT'S THE BUSTED TAIL LIGHT?
FAIR ENOUGH.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE OTHER STUFF."
APPARENTLY THE F.B.I. RAID IS PART OF AN INVESTIGATION
LAUNCHED BY THE NATURAL ARCHIVES AND THE RECORDS ADMINISTRATION.
THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S GOING TO GET TAKEN DOWN BY THE LIBRARIANS.
THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU, BABY!
THEY'RE ORGANIZED, THEY KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS, AND YOU
NEVER KNOW WHICH WAY THEY'RE COMIN' FROM, BECAUSE THEY'RE SO
QUIET.
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
THEY ARE SILENT BUT DEADLY.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
BACK IN JANUARY, THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES DISCOVERED THAT WHEN HE
LEFT D.C. FOR MAR-A-LAGO, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TOOK 15 BOXES
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE THAT CONTAINED GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS,
MEMENTOS, GIFTS, AND LETTERS.
LETTERS LIKE CORRESPONDENCE WITH NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG-UN.
AND MEMENTOS LIKE TED CRUZ'S BALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST...
LITTLE... LITTLE... JUST...
HE CARRIES THEM IN AN OLD CROWN ROYAL BAG.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL THIS IS PERFECTLY INNOCENT ACCORDING TO FORMER SECOND FIRST
SON, ERIC, SEEN HERE SAYING, "WHO'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND THINKS
THIS IS ONE OF THEM?"
>> LAST NIGHT HE SAID THIS ON THE FOX NEWS:
>> THEY WILL PROBABLY FIND A NOTE FROM ME TELLING HIM HOW
PROUD I AM OF HIM AND WHAT A GREAT JOB HE WAS DOING AS
PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS ERIC )
"HEY, F.B.I., DID YOU FIND MY NOTE TELLING MY DAD HOW PROUD I
AM OF HIM?
DID YOU FIND A NOTE OF HIM SAYING HOW PROUD HE IS OF ME
( LAUGHTER ) KEEP LOOKING!
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!
AND IN HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS ONE INCONSISTENCY TO
ERIC'S STORY ABOUT HOW THE FORMER--
( APPLAUSE ) REALLY?
WOW.
IT'S BEEN A LONG-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE WAS ONE INCONSISTENCY TO ERIC'S STORY ABOUT HOW THE
FORMER PRESIDENT LEARNED ABOUT THE RAID YESTERDAY MORNING.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
>> YOU WERE WITH YOUR DAD AS THIS WAS UNFOLDING?
>> I WAS.
IN FACT, I WAS THE GUY THAT GOT THE CALL THIS MORNING,
AND I CALLED MY FATHER AND LET HIM KNOW THAT IT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: SO YOU WERE WITH YOUR DAD YESTERDAY MORNING AS IT
WAS UNFOLDING, AND YOU GOT THE CALL THAT IT WAS HAPPENING, SO
YOU CALLED HIM TO TELL HIM IT WAS HAPPENING?
FROM THE SAME ROOM?
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS ERIC )
"HOLD ON, IT WENT TO VOICEMAIL.
HE'S NOT PICKING UP.
DAD.
DAD, IT'S ME.
DAD, IT'S ME OVER HERE.
DAD, IT'S ME, YOUR SON, BUT NOT THE ONE YOU LIKE.
THE OTHER ONE.
I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS.
I'M IN THE ROOM WITH YOU."
NOW, WE LEARNED THE NEWS OF THE F.B.I. RAID STRAIGHT FROM THE
HORSE'S ASS, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT POSTED THE NEWS ON
SOCIAL MEDIA: "THESE ARE DARK TIMES FOR OUR
NATION, AS MY BEAUTIFUL HOME, MAR-A-LAGO, IN PALM BEACH,
FLORIDA, IS CURRENTLY UNDER SIEGE, RAIDED AND OCCUPIED BY A
LARGE GROUP OF F.B.I. AGENTS.
NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO A PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES BEFORE."
WELL, OF COURSE IT HASN'T!
NO PRESIDENT HAS EVER BEEN AS CRIMINAL AS YOU ARE.
AND I'M INCLUDING PRESIDENT EUSTACE T. STABBER.
( LAUGHTER ) SO MULTIPLE...
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
TIPAKANOO, AND STAB YOU, TOO!
SO, MULTIPLE F.B.I. AGENTS SEARCHED THE ENTIRE PROPERTY,
EVEN GOT INTO HIS PERSONAL SAFE, WHICH PROMPTED THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TO WRITE: "WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THIS AND WATERGATE, WHERE OPERATIVES BROKE INTO THE
DEMOCRAT NATIONAL COMMITTEE?" WELL, FIRST, WATERGATE WAS DICK
NIXON BREAKING THE LAW.
THIS WAS THE LAW BREAKING IN ON A DICK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SECOND-- SECOND, WATERGATE WAS AN ILLEGAL
BURGLARY BY POLITICAL MERCENARIES CALLED "THE
PLUMBERS."
THIS WAS THE F.B.I. WITH A LEGAL WARRANT, SIGNED BY A JUDGE,
BECAUSE OF EVIDENCE OF PROBABLE CAUSE.
YOU MAY NOT LIKE IT, BUT IT'S HOW THE GOVERNMENT WORKS.
THE SAME REASON YOU DON'T HEAR 911 CALLS THAT GO:
"HELP!
I'VE BEEN ROBBED!
THE I.R.S. HAS BEEN STEALING SMALL AMOUNTS REGULARLY FROM ALL
OF MY PAYCHECKS!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) COME QUICKLY!
WHILE THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- WHILE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS
UNDER FIRE, OUR CURRENT ONE IS ON A HOT STREAK.
BIDEN'S CLIMATE AND HEALTHCARE BILL JUST PASSED THE SENATE, GAS
PRICES-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GAS PRICES ARE DROPPING EVERY DAY, AND HE DONE BLOWED UP ONE
OF THE WORLD'S TOP TERRORISTS, AND THIS MORNING, HE SIGNED
LEGISLATION THAT BOOSTS DOMESTIC SEMICONDUCTOR MANUFACTURING,
CALLED THE CHIPS BILL.
WELL, THE INTERNET HAS TAKEN NOTICE, AND NOW THERE'S A NEW
MEME OUT THERE KNOWN AS "DARK BRANDON," WHICH SHOWS
A BAD-ASS BIDEN WITH SUPER-VILLAIN LASERBEAM
EYEBALLS.
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S FUN, IT'S SPOOKY, AND IT'S
A COOL ADDITION TO HIS OTHER SUPERPOWER: THE ABILITY TO SLOW
TIME WHILE TELLING A STORY ABOUT THE FIRE AT THE OL' SCRANTON
TAFFY FACTORY.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, I LEARNED ABOUT THE
DARK BRANDON MEME FROM THE YOUTH: CONNECTICUT SENATOR
CHRIS MURPHY.
AFTER THE PASSAGE OF THE BILL, YOU TWEETED THIS IMAGE OF
PRESIDENT BIDEN.
( LAUGHING ) >> I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO
EXPLAIN THAT MEME.
>> Stephen: AND YOU DON'T NEED TO, BECAUSE I GET IT.
YOU PASS A BIG BILL, YOU POST A DANK MEME.
REMEMBER, WHEN OBAMACARE PASSED, THE SENATE PARLIAMENTARIAN
TWEETED: "EHRMARGERHD AFFERHDERBLE
HEARTHCUR!" OF COURSE--
( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, THE "BRANDON" PART OF
"DARK BRANDON" IS CO-OPTED FROM THE RIGHT-WING MEME "LET'S GO
BRANDON," A PHRASE THAT (BLEEP) JOE BIDEN."
BUT AFTER ALL THAT HE'S ACCOMPLISHED LATELY, IT'S MORE
LIKE: JOE BIDEN (BEEPS).
( APPLAUSE ) SO IT'S A TOTAL TURNAROUND FOR
JOE: HE'S MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER, FULL OF MYSTERIOUS DARK
ENERGY, AND NOTHING CAN STOP HIM.
EXCEPT MAYBE HIS JACKET, BECAUSE HERE HE IS YESTERDAY IN
KENTUCKY, STRUGGLING WITH THE WIND TO FIND THE OL' MR. ARM
HOLE.
IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU, JOE.
C'MON JOE, 110% YOU GOT IT.
PUT IT ALL ON THE FIELD.
YOU CAN DO IT, BUDDY.
NO, HE CAN'T.
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
THERE IT IS.
THAT'S THE POCKET.
WHERE IS IT?
COME ON.
YOU CAN DO IT!
THERE'S MR. ARM HOLE.
JACKET BACK BETTER!
COME ON, BABY, BOOM!
( APPLAUSE ) HEART RACING.
THANKFULLY, THAT WAS THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S ACCESSORY
TROUBLES, UNTIL TWO SECONDS LATER, WHEN THIS HAPPENED:
HE'S WALKIN', EVERYTHING'S COOL, WE RECOVERED FROM THE JACKET
OH!
AND THERE GO THE GLASSES!
"WHO HIT ME?
C'MON, SHOW YOUR FACE, JACK!
NO FAIR PLAYING TRICKS ON OL' PAPPY JOE. JILL?
JILL!
COME ON, BABY.
LET'S DO IT.
ALL RIGHT, THIS WAY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BEN STILLER AND D'ARCY CARDEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS!
COME ON!
COME ON, BUDDY!
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND AND MR. JOE WALSH!
MY GOODNESS!
( APPLAUSE ) LOUIS, WE HAVE A COUPLE OF
AMAZING PEOPLE OUT HERE TONIGHT.
WE HAVE THE ONE, THE ONLY, MR. BEN STIRL IS GOING TO BE OUT
HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ACTOR, WRITER, DIRECTOR, COMEDIAN DIRECTOR OF
THE NEW SERIES "SEVERANCE," NOMINATED FOR 14 EMMYS, COMING
OUT HERE.
AND WONDERFUL COMEDIAN D'ARCY CARDEN WILL BE OUT HERE A LITTLE
BIT LATER.
>> Louis: YEAH!
>> Stephen: BUT OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OUR FIRST GUEST THIS
EVENING ALL WEEK IS MR. JOE WALSH RIGHT OVER THERE.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE BLOWING-- YOU'RE BLOWING
A LITTLE ENERGY.
YOU'RE BRINGING SOME OXYGEN INTO THE ROOM SIR.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
AND AND I HAVE 'OMETHING IN COMMON, FRIENDO, AND THAT IS--
CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS PHOTO?
WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT THERE?
WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE?
>> WELL, I RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.
>> Stephen: I RAN FOR FROM THE 2007.
HOW DID YOURS GO?
>> UH, WELL, THERE WAS ABOUT 20 CONFIRMED VOTES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: 20 CONFIRMED-- 20
CONFIRMED VOTES.
DID YOU CONTEST-- DID YOU CONTEST THE ELECTION.
>> I WANTED A RECALL, BUT THEY DIDN'T DO THAT BACK THEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR PLATFORM, JOE?
>> FREE GAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOU GET ELECTED, BABY.
YOU GET ELECTED NOW.
>> VOTE FOR ME!
FILL HER UP!
WHAT WAS YOUR PLATFORM?
>> Stephen: I GOTTA ASK, HOW OLD ARE YOU HERE?
BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO BE 35 YEARS OLD TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
>> OH, I WAS 35.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU SAY-- WOULD YOU SAY THAT UNDER OATH,
JOE?
>> SURE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE!
>> Stephen: GOOD ENOUGH.
NOW, FOLKS, I LOVE SPACE.
I WISH MY CLOSET HAD MORE OF IT.
SO, TONIGHT, I'M BRINGING YOU THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF...
"SPACE NEWS!" FIRST UP ON "SPACE NEWS":
( APPLAUSE ) SLIGHT DELAY ON THE BUTTON
TONIGHT!
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE THOSE WIRES CHECKED, MY
FRIEND.
IT'S ALWAYS CONSPONTANEOUS.
ALL THIS CLAPPING IS ALWAYS SPONTANEOUS.
FIRST UP: MOON CITY NEWS!
( APPLAUSE ) >> WHY DOES IT KEEP HAPPENING?"
>> Stephen: A TEAM AT KYOTO
UNIVERSITY IN JAPAN DROPPED A NEW CONCEPT FOR A CITY ON THE
MOON THAT IS A SUSTAINABLE AND COMPLETELY HABITABLE ENVIRONMENT
FOR HUMANS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CITY.
WOW, IT'S GOT TREES, IT'S GOT WATER, IT'S GOT GRASS.
THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS, IT COMES PRE-POPULATED BY THE
GHOSTS OF THE PEOPLE WHO DIED BUILDING IT.
ANOTHER PART OF THE PROPOSAL TEASES A HEXAGON SPACE TRACK
THAT COULD SERVE AS A BULLET-TRAIN-STYLE TRAVEL LINK
BETWEEN THE EARTH, THE MOON, AND MARS.
GREAT, SO MARS IS GOING TO GET HIGH-SPEED RAIL BEFORE AMERICA.
I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO BE PISSED IF I FIND OUT JUPITER HAS
UNIVERSAL PRE-P NEXT UP, CURED SPACE MEAT!
>> ( PIG SQUEALING )
LAST WEEK, ETIENNE KLEIN, A FRENCH PHYSICIST, HAD A LITTLE
FUN ON TWITTER, POSTING THIS PHOTO, WHICH HE LABELED "PROXIMA
CENTAURI, THE NEAREST STAR TO THE SUN, TAKEN BY THE JAMES WEBB
TELESCOPE," WHICH HE LATER REVEALED WAS ACTUALLY JUST A
SLICE OF CHORIZO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IN HIS DEFENSE, HE WAS JUST POINTING OUT WHEN THE MOON HITS
YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THAT'S A-STRONOMY.
AND IT'S FITTING.
THE ONLY THING MORE MYSTERIOUS THAN THE ORIGIN OF THE UNIVERSE
IS WHAT'S IN CHORIZO.
I'M GUESSING, CRUSHED RED PEPPER AND EAR LOBE?
I DON'T CARE, IT'S DELICIOUS.
BUT HE FELT BAD BECAUSE HE USUALLY RESERVES HIS TWITTER
FEED FOR HARD SCIENCE, SAYING, "I FEEL COMPELLED TO CLARIFY
THAT THIS TWEET SHOWING AN ALLEGED SNAPSHOT OF PROXIMA
CENTAURI WAS A FORM OF AMUSEMENT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE MADE A JOKE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
FIRST TIME.
GOT TO SAY, THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD FIRST JOKE.
AND I HOPE HE EXPLAINS WHAT NUMBER JOKE HE'S TELLING EACH
TIME HE TELLS ONE.
"ZEES EES THE SECOND TIME I HAVE MADE A JOKE.
NOW, PLEASE PREPARE FOR MY THIRD JOKE.
BUT I MUST WARN YOU, MONSIEURS ET MADAMES, IT REGARDS THE
MYSTERY OF WHY A CHICKEN WOULD HAVE SUCH A CAVALIER ATTITUDE
TOWARD TRAFFIC SAFETY."
( LAUGHTER ) AND, FINALLY, ENGLAND IN SPACE!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> WE DRIVE ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE GALAXY.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST ROCKET TO LAUNCH FROM U.K. SOIL WILL BLAST
OFF LATER THIS SUMMER.
AND IF THE QUEEN HAS ANY SAY IN THE MATTER, PRINCE ANDREW
WILL BE ON IT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LOCAL COMMUNITY HAS HIGH
HOPES THAT THE SPACEPORT WILL BE A SIGNIFICANT BOOST TO THE
ECONOMY OF CORNWALL.
AND I HAVE HIGH HOPES THAT THIS WILL LEAD TO CHARMING ENGLISH
SPACE NAMES LIKE: COMETSBOTTOM.
SHROPSFORD UPON NEPTUNE.
AND, THE BENEDICT CUMBERBELT.
FOLKS, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BEN STILLER.
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE
LATE SHOW"" ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR AND DIRECTOR YOU KNOW FROM
"ZOOLANDER," "TROPIC THUNDER," AND "ESCAPE AT DANNEMORA."
HE NOW DIRECTS AND PRODUCES "SEVERANCE," WHICH IS NOMINATED
FOR 14 EMMY AWARDS.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," BEN STILLER.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
♪ THE THRILL HAS GONE THE THRILL HAS GONE AWAY
♪ OH, THE THRILL HAS GONE ♪ >> JOE WALSH!
>> Stephen: JOE WALSH, ISN'T THAT EXTRAORDINARY.
>> HI, GUY S.
>> Stephen: IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> YOU, TOO!
>> Stephen: COVID SEEMS TO HAVE TREATED YOU WELL.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> THANKS.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: SO, LIKE, HOW HAS YOUR SUMMER BEEN?
>> IT'S BEEN GOOD.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITH THE FAMILY AND
HAVING-- I WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK ON SOMETHING THIS SUMMER THAT
DIDN'T HAPPEN SO I HAD A LOT OF GREAT FAMILY TIME.
IT'S AMAZING.
>> HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?
>> I HAVE TWO KIDS.
MY DAUGHTER IS 20 AND MY SON IS 17.
YEAH, THIS SUMMER MY DAUGHTER GOT HER DRIVER'S LICENSE, AND
THAT WAS A BIG DEAL BECAUSE I HELPED HER LEARN TO DRIVE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE.
-- I-- TAUGHT THE KIDS TO DRIVE IN OUR FAMILY IT'S SO
NERVE-RACKING.
>> IT IS NERVE-RACKING.
BUT IT'S A NICE FAMILIA THING TO DO.
MY DAD TAUGHT ME TO DRIVE.
IT COULD GO BAD AT ANY TIME.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU GOOD ABOUT IT?
I WAS TERRIBLE ABOUT IT?
>> I TRY TO BE CALM.
THE THING IS WE WERE IN NEW YORK AND SHE WANTED TO GET A LOT OF
HOURS IN, SHE WAS SORT OF CRAM AGO.
>> Stephen: IN NEW YORK?
YOU TAUGHT HER TO DRIVE IN NEW YORK?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TEACH HER TO DRIVE IN ROME?
>> IT'S NOT THAT FAR OFF.
WEST SIDE HIGHWAY IS LITERALLY LIKE "MAD MAX FURY ROAD."
TO TEACH A PERSON TO DRIVE -- >> Stephen: WITNESS ME!
>> NO, IT'S CRAZY, AND THERE ARE CABS JUMP OVER YOU TO GET TO THE
125th STREET EXIT.
AND SHE'S IN THAT AND SHE WAS DOING REALLY WELL WITH IT.
WHAT REALLY HELPED IS WE PLAYED HER FAVORITE ARTIST ON THE
IPHONE, AND WE JUST PLAYED TAYLOR SWIFT.
WE WOULD DRIVE AND PLAY TAYLOR SWIFT.
I WAS A FAN, BUT NOW I THINK I'M A TOTAL SWIFTIE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU GET DEEP INTO IT.
WE GOT INTO THE LATER STUFF, FOLKLORE, ABOUT CARDIGAN BETTY
AND AUGUST ALL BEING ABOUT THE SAME LOVE TRIANGLE BUT FROM
DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY.
>> AND THE CHARACTERS ARE NAMED AFTER RYAN REYNOLD'S AND BLAKE
>> Stephen: I DROVE WITH MY DAUGHTER AND MY SOWN FROM NEW
YORK TO CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA, WHERE I'M FROM FOR
CHRISTMASTIME AND WE L . TO "EVER MORE" THE ENTIRE 14-HOUR
OBVIOUSLY, MUTTERING THOSE LYRICS ON MY DEATH BED.
IT'S NICE YOU WERE GOOD ABOUT IT.
YOU DIDN'T FREAK OUT.
>> NO, IT WOULD CALM HER AND IT WOULD CALM ME.
AND SHE PASSED HER TEST.
IT'S HARD, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO DO PARALLEL PARKING.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE HAS TO DO PARALLEL PARKING.
>> BUT NOW-- BUT NOW YOU HAVE HELP BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE
MONITOR IN THE CAR, MOST CARS.
>> Stephen: OH, SO IT'S EASY.
>> YEAH, BUT BACK IN THE OLD DAYS --
>> Stephen: WE HAD TO DO IT BLINDFOLDED.
IT WAS LIKE SPARTACUS-- THERE WERE SPINNING BLADES IN THE CAR.
>> IT'S AN INTENSE THING.
SO I WAS REALLY HAPPY THAT SHE PASS.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE DONE SOME TRAVELING RECENTLY.
YOU WERE IN UKRAINE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THIS PAST SPRING?
>> YES, MAYBE SIX WEEKS AGO.
>> Stephen: SO IT WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO.
AND YOU GOT A CHANCE TO MEET THIS FELLOW.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE OVER THERE.
( APPLAUSE ) HOW LONG DID YOU GET TO SPEND
WITH HIM?
>> WE SPENT ABOUT 45 MINUTES TOGETHER.
I WAS THERE WITH U.N. REFUGEE AGENCY, BECAUSE I'M A GOOD WILL
AMBASSADOR AND I GO AND VISIT PLACES WHERE PEOPLE ARE
DISPLACED BY WAR.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT JUST KNOCKING ON DOORS, "I'M BEN
TIRL."
>> AND I WASN'T OFFERING ADVICE.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR IMPRESSION OF THE GENTLEMAN?
>> I WAS IMPRESSED.
HE HAS AN INTERESTING STORY, AND HE WAS IN A SHOW WHERE HE PLAYED
THE PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY, AND THEN HAS RISEN TO THIS
OCCASION.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S A VERY, OBVIOUSLY, SERIOUS SITUATION,
AND TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THE REFUGEE ISSUES THAT THEY HAVE IN
THE COUNTRY THERE.
BECAUSE THERE ARE-- YOU KNOW, IT'S PROBABLY THE BIGGEST
DISPLACEMENT OF PEOPLE SINCE WORLD WAR II.
I THINK MAYBE ABOUT 12 MILLION PEOPLE IN THAT COUNTRY HAVE BEEN
DISPLACED.
SO IT'S A LOT THAT THEY'RE DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: MUCH HAS BEEN MADE, AS YOU WERE MENTIONING
BEFORE, THAT HE STARTED OFF AS A COMEDIC ACTOR.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DOES POLITICS INTEREST YOU AT ALL?
WOULD YOU BE AT ALL INTERESTED?
BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE A PERFECTLY INTELLIGENT, LIKABLE--
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> Stephen: ...PERSON.
HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD DO IN THE SAME SITUATION?
>> JOE WALSH IS POINTING AT ME.
>> Stephen: JOE WALSH IS ALL FOR YOU.
>> NO, MAN.
>> Stephen: VICE PRESIDENT?
STILLER-WALSH.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> I'M ALL IN!
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT THE EXPERIENCE YOU'VE GOT DRIVE THE.
I WISH SOMEONE LIKE JON STEWART WOULD RUN.
( APPLAUSE ) I THINK WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING
RECENTLY HAS BEEN -- >> Stephen: YEAH, HE'S DOING
AN AMAZING JOB.
I WOULDN'T WANT IT FOR MY FRIEND BECAUSE AS PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES YOU HAVE TO MAKE DECISION LIKE, "GO DRONE THOSE
PEOPLE."
THAT'S A DIFFICULT THING.
I DON'T THINK I WOULD WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE THAT DECISION OR
WANT MY FRIEND TO MAKE THAT DECISION.
>> IT'S A WHOLE OTHER WORLD, AND FEELING LIKE-- IN TALKING WITH
ZELENSKYY, YOU NEAL THAT WEIGHT.
AND IT'S NOTHING REALLY FUNNY ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: NOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) > SO, NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO
INTO POLITICS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN I COME BACK, I WILL ASK BEN STILLER
ABOUT FINDING NEW GEARS AS AN ARTIST.
>> Stephen: JUST LET IT GO.
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH MR. BEN STILLER.
LET'S DIVE INTO "SEVERANCE."
IT'S ON APPLE TV+.
14 EMMY NOMINATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: INCLUDING, INCLUDING BEST DIRECTOR FOR YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANKS.
>> Stephen: IF THIS INTERVIEW GOES WELL, THERE MIGHT BE SOME
WAFFLES IN IT FOR YOU.
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
EVERYBODY I KNOW IS LIKE, "HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHOW."
I'M A BUSY GUY.
IT HAS TO BE THE NEXT THING.
MY DAUGHTER, THE ONE I TAUGHT TO DRIVE, "DAD, IT'S GREATEST
TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME."
I'M SO GLAD I FINALLY WATCHED IT.
I'M ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY BY THE SHOW.
ABOUT THE STRANGENESS OF IT, THE TENDERNESS OF IT.
IT'S SO FUNNY AT THE SAME TIME.
IT'S GOT THIS GREAT SOCIAL COMMENTARY ABOUT WHAT OUR
WORK-LIFE BALANCE SHOULD BE AND THIS SORT OF FALSE FAMILY
DYNAMICS OF CORPORATIONS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW DID IT COME TO YOU?
WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU FIRST HEARD THIS IDEA?
>> I GOT A SCRIPT ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO THAT WAS A WRITING
SAMPLE BY DAN ERICSON, WHO IS A WRITER, WHO WAS TRYING TO BREAK
IN AND GET A JOB IN SHOW BUSINESS.
AND I READ IT, AND IT WAS JUST-- TO ME IT JUST JUMPED OFF THE
PAGE.
IT'S KIND OF ROOTED IN THE WORKPLACE COMEDIES LIKE "THE
OFFICE," OR "OFFICE SPACE," THIS COMEDY GENRE THAT HAS DEVELOPED
THE PAST 20 YEARS AGO, WHATEVER, THAT WE'VE HAD, "PARKS AND REC"
THAT KIND OF VIBE.
IT'S HAPPENING IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE GO TO WORK, THEY HAVE A
CHIP IMPLANTED IN HIR HEAD, THEY DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE OUTSIDE,
AND WHEN THEY LEAVE WORK, THEY DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AT
WORK.
THEY'RE TALKING AND HAVING THIS WORKPLACE INTERACTION BUT THEY
DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING, WHY THEY'RE THERE OR WHO THEY
ARE.
AND THAT WAS INTERESTING TO ME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I THOUGHT, THAT'S SORT OF
LIKE A WEIRD METAPHOR FOR LIFE.
>> Stephen: DID THAT RESONATE IN YOUR WORK ALL?
CERTAINLY, WORKING IN PRODUCTION CAN BE COMPLETELY OBSESSIVE.
>> I THINK I'M LUCKY IN THAT I LOVE DOING WHAT I DO.
AND I LOVE TO GO TO WORK.
AND I ENJOY IT.
IT CAN BE HARD SOMETIMES.
I THINK IT'S, YOU KNOW, THAT THING OF GOING TO A JOB WHERE
YOU JUST DON'T CONNECT WITH IT AT ALL AND YOU'RE HAVING TO
SPEND HOURS AND HOURS OF YOUR LIFE IN THIS, YOU KNOW, IN THIS
REALITY.
THAT I THINK IS REALLY WHAT DAN WAS TAPPING INTO.
DAN WORKED AT A DOOR FACTORY FOR YEARS, AND HE HAD THIS IDEA WHEN
HE WAS WORKING AT A DOOR FACTORY.
AND HE WAS THINKING, "I HATE WORKING AT A DOOR FACTORY."
SO...
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I CAN IMAGINE AFTER A WHILE YOU WOULD HATE
DOORS.
>> YEAH.
EVERY TIME YOU HAVE TO TOUCH A KNOB.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, ANYWAY, HE CAME UP WITH THIS
IDEA.
AND IT JUST JUMPED OFF THE PAGE, AND IT TOOK A NUMBER OF YEARS TO
GET IT ON THE AIR.
I ALWAYS FELT IT HAD A UNIQUE TONE TO IT AND THOUGHT OF ADAM,
SCOTT, RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THAT THEY WOULD BE AMAZING AS MARK.
>> Stephen: AND YOU WERE RIGHT.
>> HE'S JUST INCREDIBLE.
HE'S SO FUNNY, AND HE HAS THIS OTHER SIDE TO HIM.
HE GETS TO PLAY TWO SIDES OF THE CHARACTER IT'S GUY ON THE INSIDE
AND THE GUY ON THE OUTSIDE AND THEY'RE BOTH IN DANCH PLACES IN
THEIR LIFE.
>> Stephen: I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING THAT I HOPE IS IN ANY
WAY MEANINGFUL TO YOU, I REMEMBER WATCHING "SECRET LIFE
OF WALTER MITTY," YOUR FILM FROM 2014.
IT WAS A HAVE INTERESTING FILM.
YOU HAD ALREADY HAD A TREMENDOUS CAREER, JUST ABSOLUTELY
BRILLIANT WORK, WHICH YOU KNOW I'M A FAN OF.
WHEN I SAW THAT, I THOUGHT THIS IS REALLY-- I COULD BE TOTALLY
WRONG-- THIS IS ABOUT BEN.
THIS IS ABOUT BEN WANTING THAT BEAUTIFUL THING OR THAT PERFECT
MOMENT OR THAT-- SORT OF THAT EXPANSION OF THEIR WORLD.
AND WITH "ESCAPE AT DANNEMORA" AND THIS MOVIE, YOU HAVE HAVE
DONE THIS EXTRAORDINARY THING AT THIS STAGE OF YOUR CAREER TO,
LIKE, GROW THE PAL AT OF YOUR WORK, IN SUCH AN EXTRAORDINARY
WAY.
I WATCHED "SEVERANCE," AND I TURNED TO EV, AND I SAID, "I'M
SO HAPPY FOR HIM."
THE GUY IN "THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY" GOT THAT MOMENT.
YOU HAVE GROWN SO ENORMOUSLY, EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE SO
ACCOMPLISH THEY HAD CAN'T HELP BUT BY HAPPY FOR AN ARTIST TO
FIND THIS NEW SET OF GEARS.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> WOW, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: IS THAT MEANING-- IS THAT MEANINGFUL?
DO YOU FEEL THAT AT ALL?
>> NO, I DON'T CONNECT WITH THAT AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) NO!
>> Stephen: WHO AM I TO SAY THAT TO BEN STILLER.
BUT, REALLY, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
>> YOU KNOW, LOOK, THE CREATIVE PROCESS, I THINK WE'RE ALWAYS
TRYING TO GET CLOSER TO EXPRESSING OURSELVES AND TRYING
TO FIND, YOU KNOW, WHO YOU ARE IN THE WORK THAT YOU DO.
SO, WEIRDLY NOT-- BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ACTING FOR A WHILE.
SOMEHOW BY CONNECTING WITH THESE DIFFERENT PROJECTS THAT THE
STORIES IN THEM I THINK FOR ME ARE SOMEHOW MORE CONNECTED TO MY
LIFE EXPERIENCE OR MY, YOU KNOW, HOW I FEEL AS A PERSON.
AND, ALSO, JUST THINGS I WANT TO WATCH, TOO, AS AN AUDIENCE.
BUT, THANK YOU, MAN.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR-- ( APPLAUSE )
BEING ABLE TO SEE ALL THESE THINGS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: "SEVERANCE" IS ON APPLE TV+.
BEN STILLER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF THE UPCOMING SERIES, "A LEAGUE
OF THEIR OWN," D'ARCY CARDEN.
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTRESS AND COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM "BARRY,"
"BROAD CITY," AND "THE GOOD PLACE."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," D'ARCY CARDEN!
♪ CISCO KID WAS A FRIEND OF MINE CISCO KID WAS A FRIEND OF MINE ♪
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.
YOU STAR IN A NEW TV ADAPTATION OF PENNY MARSHALL'S CLASSIC 1992
MOVIE "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN."
>> YOU GOT EVERYTHING RIGHT.
>> Stephen: JUST TO GET STRAIGHT FOR A SECOND.
WHEN IS THE FIRST TIME-- YOU'RE MUCH YOUNGER THAN I AM-- NO.
WHEN IS THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW THAT MOVIE?
>> I SAW IT IN THE MOVIE THEATER.
SO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN 1992.
AND I WAS, LIKE, A REAL SPORTY LITTLE KID.
I WAS PLAYING SOFTBALL AT THE TIME.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND BASKETBALL.
THAT WAS A REALLY ABOUT BIG MOVIE FOR ME.
I REMEMBER-- I REMEMBER IT ALL.
I REMEMBER IT, LIKE, IT KIND OF WAS THE COMBINATION OF
EVERYTHING I LOVED IN ONE THING, AND I HAD NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE IT, AND IT HAD MADONNA AND ROSIE AND GEENA DAVIS WHO THE
PRETTIEST PERSON WHO HAS EVER LIVED?
MAYBE?
YEAH?
>> Stephen: AMAZING.
I HAD A REAL PROBLEM.
SHE HAD CHEEK BONES YOU COULD LAND A CHOPPER ON.
>> THE CHEEK BONES!
>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.
QUICK QUESTION, YOU WOULD KNOW NOW THAT YOU'RE IN THE SERIES:
IS THERE CRYING IN BASEBALL?
>> THERE IS.
>> Stephen: IS THAT THE TAG LINE,s, THERE IS CRYING IN
BASEBALL."
>> IN "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN," THERE IS.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF GEENA DAVIS, YOU GOT TO SPEND A LITTLE
TIME WITH HER RECENTLY RIGHT THERE.
>> YES, I DID.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BRING HER OUT HERE.
COME OUT HERE, GINA!
>> GINA!
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOU.
>> THE CHOKE BONES.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, ALSO, WITH ABBI JAKEON SON AND
WE WERE ALL STAR STRUCK, REALLY MEGASTAR TRUCK.
WE'RE RARE IN THAT YOU'RE A COMEDIAN WHO IS GOOD AT SPORTS.
>> WELL, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW ALL RIGHT.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU'RE GREAT AT SPORTS.
TO WHAT DO YOU OWE THIS.
YOU ALREADY PLAYED BALL?
>> YEAH.
THAT IS ONE OF THE REASONS THE MOVIE WAS SO IMPORTANT TO ME,
WAS SEEING ALL THESE GIRLS PLAYING SPORTS AND WANTED TO BE
AN ACTOR BUT LOVING SPORTS.
I REMEMBER REALLY, TRULY, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID LIKE I WANT TO
BE A PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER AND AN ACTOR AND MAYBE A
ROCK STAR.
( LAUGHTER ) MR. WALSH.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE ON AN IMPROV TEAM.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I WASN'T HUGE INTO THE SPORT, MOSTLY HACKY SACK.
>> DON'T COUNT YOURSELF OUT.
>> Stephen: I WAS ON IMPROV TEAMS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND I'M JUST CURIOUS, WHAT IS MORE
CHALLENGING, BEING ON A BASEBALL TEAM OR BEING ON AN IMPROV TEAM?
>> THEY BOTH HAVE THEIR PROS AND CON S.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> THE FUNNY THING IS I WOULD SAY I GOT MORE INJURIES PLAYING
SPORTS.
BUT I FEEL LIKE I PROBABLY GOT EQUAL AMOUNT DOING IMPROV ON
STAGE.
ALL OF MY-- ANY-- I HAVE, LIKE, A POPPING JAW, A WRIST PROBLEM.
ANY LONGTIME INJURY I HAVE IS ABSOLUTELY FROM ON STAGE.
>> Stephen: AND YOU PROBABLY HAD NO HEALTH INSURANCE.
>> NO!
>> Stephen: YOU WERE AN IMPROVISOR.
I HAVE THE SAME THING.
I HAVE A ROTATOR CUFF PROBLEM.
IT'S FROM AN IMPROV SCENE DOING FRONT FLIPS.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT IT CALLED FOR.
>> DID IT GET THE LAUGH?
>> Stephen: NO.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THE AUDIENCE HEARD ME GET HURT.
>> OH, NO!
>> Stephen: AND THEY DID THAT.
THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY BE HURT.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S STILL A PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: STILL WAKES ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
>> YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY.
>> Stephen: PROBABLY HAVE THE WHOLE THING LOBBED OFF.
BASEBALL YOU CAN PLAY-- >> ME OR YOU?
>> Stephen: LET'S FIND OUT.
EVERYBODY HAS A BASEBALL TEAM.
YOU CAN'T-- THE SPORT YOU GREW UP WITH, I JUST FOUND OUT, IS A
LITTLE MORE RAREFIED.
TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT I USED TO DO.
>> I GREW UP IN CALIFORNIA.
I PLAYED BASKETBALL AND SOFTBALL, AND THE MAIN SPORT I
PLAYED WAS WATER POLO.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HERE YOU GO.
THE ANCHOR, THE ANCHOR, MIDDLE-BOTTOM RIGHT THERE.
THERE YOU ARE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> THE FUNNY THING ABOUT WATER
POLO IN THIS PICTURE IS, LIKE, NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT
WATER POLO, SO I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE IS
LIKE, "IS THAT HOW YOU PLAY IT?" >> Stephen: THAT'S HOW YOU
ENTER THE POOL, ACTUALLY.
IS IT TRUE WATER POLO IS LOTS OF, LIKE, TOSSING AND BLOCK
ABOVE THE WATER BUT BELOW THE WATER IT'S JUST BRUTAL.
>> IT REALLY IS.
IT REALLY IS.
WE'RE ALL SORT OF ANGELS ABOVE THE WATER, AND UNDERNEATH THE
WATER SYSTEM, LIKE-- WE WOULD HAVE TO WEAR TWO BATHE SUITS
BECAUSE ONE WOULD GET RIPPED.
THE THING YOU WOULD DO IS, LIKE, WRAP YOUR HAND AROUND SOMEBODY'S
BATHE SUIT AND JUST PULL TO KEEP THEM DOWN.
IT'S REALLY DARK AND VIOLENT.
>> Stephen: WOW.
AND THE POOL IS DEEP ALL OVER, RIGHT?
>> YES, DEEP ALL OVER.
YOU'RE TREADING WATER ALL THE TIME.
I WAS SO STRONG.
OH, MY GOD.
BUT I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD TELL YOU THIS.
>> Stephen: TELL IT.
>> Audience: COME ON!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TELL IT.
YOU CAN'T TELL IT?
>> I WILL.
THE THING ABOUT IT IS I SORT OF PRIDE MYSELF IN-- I WOULD RATHER
LOSE THAN CHEAT.
I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN CHEAT.
I HATE A CHEATER, I REALLY DO.
BUT, BUT, BUT, THERE WAS ONE THING-- IN WATER POLO YOU
WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE LONG NAILS.
IT WAS ONE OF THE WAYS THEY TRIED TO KEEP --
>> Stephen: REIGN IT IN.
>> YEAH, I WAS THE CAPTAIN MY SENIOR YEAR.
OKAY.
SORRY.
AND ONE THING WE WOULD HAVE TO DO BEFORE EVERY GAME IS YOU
WOULD GO TO THE EDGE OF POOL-- IF YOU CAN IMAGINE.
I GO TO THE EDGE OF THE POOL, EVERYBODY PUTS THEIR LITTLE
HANDS UP AND THE REF COMES DOWN AND CHECKS EVERYBODY'S NAILS.
I WOULD GO TO THE END OF THE LINE.
BUT AS CAPTAIN I KNEW DURING THE LINE THEY WERE GOING TO SAY,
"CAPTAINS TO THE MIDDLE" TO SHAKE HANDS WITH THE OTHER
CAPTAINS.
I WOULD GO TO THE END OF THE LINE AND THEN I WOULD GO TO THE
MIDDLE OF THE POOL, SHAKE HANDS WITH THE OTHER CAPTAINS AND GO
FRONT OF THE LINE AND SKIP THE NAIL CHECK, SO I HAD TALONS.
>> Stephen: WOW.
AND YOU JUST GO FOR THEIR EYES.
>> NOT EYES.
I WOULD GET THEIR-- SORRY, SORRY.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T-- WE DON'T HAVE A "LATE SHOW" WATER
POLO TEAM, UNFORTUNATELY.
>> YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: BUT WE DO HAVE A BASEBALL TEAM.
>> GO ON.
>> Stephen: I WANTED TO GRANT YOU AS AN HONORARY MEMBER OF THE
"LATE SHOW"."
WE ARE THE SEA CAPTAINS.
>> AM I A SEA CAPTAIN NOW?
>> Stephen: YES, YOU ARE A SEA CAPTAIN.
THERE YOU GO.
NO, FOR SURE?
FOR REAL.
>> AM I A SEA CAPTAIN?
ARE YOU SAYING YOU COULD, LIKE --
>> Stephen: YOU CAN JUST SHOW UP NOW AND PLAY.
>> I'M GOING TO.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A RINGER >> SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO DO
IT.
I'M JUST GOING TO-- YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.
IT WILL BE BASEBALL.
>> Stephen: PLEASE, HIT US.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> I'M A SEA CAPTAIN!
>> Stephen: DISPERSE, SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN" PREMIERES FRIDAY ON
PRIME VIDEO.
D'ARCY CARDEN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen:THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE "SUCCESSION'S" KIERAN
CULKIN.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.