>> A NEW YORK CITY RESTAURATEUR IS SPEAKING OUT AFTER A COUPLE
WAS CAUGHT FORNICATING IN HER DINING SHED.
ACCORDING TO THE OWNER, HER "OUTSIDE DINING SHED IS BEING
USED AS A SEX DEN," AND SHE WANTS THE CITY TO PUT A STOP.
TO IT. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: KIERAN CULKIN
AND MUSICAL GUEST, RUN THE JEWELS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN, WITH SPECIAL GUEST JOE WALSH.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOOD TO SEE YOU. WELCOME!
>> Audience: STEPHEN! STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: PLEASE, HAVE A
SEAT, EVERYBODY. WELCOME, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL
AROUND THE WORLD. OBVIOUSLY, EVERYONE IN CANADA.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I AM
STILL-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABOUT THE F.B.I. RAID AT MAR-A-LAGO.
TURNS OUT, MY KINK IS CONSEQUENCES.
WE'RE LEARNING MORE JUICY DEETS ABOUT THE RAID.
IT'S BECOMING INCREASINGLY CLEAR THAT THE SEARCH WAS TIED TO AN
ONGOING INVESTIGATION INTO WHETHER THE FORMER PRESIDENT
TOOK CLASSIFIED RECORDS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE TO HIS FLORIDA
RESIDENCE. SPOILER: HE DID.
( LAUGHTER ) NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, IT'S
ALWAYS WHAT YOU THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED.
( LAUGHTER ) HE EXTORTED UKRAINE.
HE PUT THE BOP IN THE BOP SHOE BOP SHOE BOP.
HE PUT THE RAM IN THE RAMALAMA DING DONG!
THEN, MADE THE RAMALAMA DING DONG SIGN AN N.D.A.
HE'S ALREADY ADMITTED HE DID IT. ABOUT SEVEN MONTHS AGO, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT REVEALED THAT HE HAD UNLAWFUL POSSESSION
OF CLASSIFIED MATERIAL WHEN HE TURNED OVER 15 BOXES OF ITEMS TO
THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES. SO, I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING,
"HEY, STEVE, IF HE TURNED IT OVER, WHY DID THE F.B.I. GO
BACK?" TURNS OUT, AS THE INVESTIGATORS
SIFTED THROUGH THE INITIAL 15 BOXES, THEY GREW CONCERNED THAT
THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD NOT, IN FACT, RETURNED ALL THE
GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. ONE HINT WAS THAT THE MAR-A-LAGO
BUFFET WAS SERVING UNLIMITED SHRIMP OUT OF ABE LINCOLN'S HAT.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY SEARCHED THE JOINT, AND THE
AGENTS TOOK ABOUT 12 MORE BOXES. "ABOUT" TWELVE MORE.
KEEP IN MIND, THESE 12 BOXES WERE KEPT IN THE BASEMENT
STORAGE AREA. THAT'S WHERE HE KEPT CLASSIFIED
GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS, IN A BASEMENT IN FLORIDA?
WAS THERE NO ROOM IN THE KIDDIE POOL FULL OF PYTHONS AND MILDEW?
AND IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE ONLY AFTER THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
LAWYER RECEIVED INSTRUCTIONS TO SECURE THE ROOM THIS PAST
SPRING, DID THEY ADD A PADLOCK. SO, BEFORE, IT WAS JUST OPEN?
IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT ACTION MOVIE:
"NATIONAL TREASURE 3: FOUND IT!
BEHIND THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS!" ( LAUGHTER )
THE F.B.I.'S-- ( APPLAUSE )
EVENT WAS INDICTMENT CASUAL. A HANDFUL OF AGENTS WERE IN
SUITS, BUT MOST WORE T-SHIRTS AND CARGO PANTS.
YEAH, SO GOOD LUCK GETTING YOUR DAD TO CHANGE HIS OUTFIT NOW:
"NO WAY, KIDDO. OLD DAD'S IN HIS TACTICAL
SORTS, LIKE THE G-MEN! I NEED THE EXTRA POCKETS FOR MY
NIGHT-VISION GOGGLES AND MY THREE DIFFERENT iPHONE CHARGERS.
YOU SHOULD PLUG IN. YOU'RE AT 70%."
RIGHT-WING MEDIA HAS TAKEN THE F.B.I.'S SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO
RECOVER STOLEN CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS PRETTY HARD.
THEY'RE CALLING AMERICA A BANANA REPUBLIC, AND EVERYWHERE YOU
LOOK, THERE ARE CONSERVATIVE CALLS FOR A CIVIL WAR IN
THE U.S. THAT IS SCARY.
OKAY, IF WE DON'T LEAVE THE EX-PRESIDENT ALONE AND GIVE HIM
WHATEVER WHAT HE WANTS, IT IS NEOCONFEDERATES COULD VIOLENTLY
ATTACK THE UNITED STATES... A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.
IN FACT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL.
IN FACT, RIGHT AFTER THE F.B.I. RAID, THE TERM "CIVIL WAR"
STARTED TRENDING ON TWITTER. WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING:
THE CIVIL WAR IS DATING PETE DAVIDSON!
( LAUGHTER ) FOR THEM.
ONE PERSON WHO'S ESPECIALLY ENRAGED IS FOX NEWS HOST AND THE
NUMBER-ONE REALTOR IN UNCANNY VALLEY, JEANINE PIRRO.
JUDGE JEANINE HAD SOME ADVICE FOR THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT:
>> YOU DO NOT BREAK INTO A HOUSE OF A GUY THAT YOU'VE BEEN
WORKING WITH FOR NINE MONTHS, THAT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT HAS BEEN
COOPERATING WITH YOU, FOR PRESIDENTIAL RECORDS?!
NO!" >> Stephen: IT WASN'T A
BREAK-IN, JEANINE. THEY HAD A WARRANT, AND HE
DIDN'T CO-OPERATE! COOPERATING WOULD HAVE BEEN
HANDING OVER ALL 27 BOXES. HE KEPT 12.
THAT'S LIKE A SMUGGLER SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, I TURNED OVER HALF
OF MY HEROIN. WHAT DO YOU WANT, ALL OF MY
HEROIN? WHAT NEXT, THE COCAINE?
OKAY, YOU WANT THE COCAINE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( APPLAUSE ) THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER
FLOATED THIS CONSPIRACY THEORY: >> QUITE HONESTLY, I'M CONCERNED
THAT THEY MAY HAVE PLANTED SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: GOOD POINT. WHAT IF THEY PLANTED THOSE 12
BOXES OF EVIDENCE? ( GASPS )
THAT'S WHY THEY WERE WEARING CARGO PANTS!
THIS IS A BANANA REPUBLIC! AND THEY'RE 30% OFF.
OF COURSE-- ( APPLAUSE )
A TYPE OF PANTS. OF COURSE, NO CLOWN CAR WOULD BE
COMPLETE WITHOUT PRESIDENTIAL SON AND PHANTOM OF THE
CONFERENCE ROOM, ERIC. ERIC JUMPED ON THE RAGE WAGON TO
EXPLAIN HOW HE KNEW THIS WAS A POLITICAL HIT JOB ON HIS DAD.
>> MAKE NO MISTAKE, JESSIE. I KNOW THE WHITE HOUSE AS WELL
AS ANYONE. I SPENT A LOT OF TIME THERE, I
KNOW THE SYSTEM. THIS IS DID NOT HAPPEN WITHOUT
JOE BRYDEN'S EXPLICIT APPROVAL. THE WHITE HOUSE APPROVED OF THIS
>> Stephen: "IF THERE'S ONE THING I LEARNED FROM MY DAD'S
TIME IN OFFICE, IT'S THAT THE PRESIDENT DEFINITELY INTERFERES
WITH THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT! NO, I AM SERIOUS.
I AM SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK. HEART ATTACK.
NOTHING HAPPENS WITHOUT HIS APPROVAL, EXCEPT ME."
( APPLAUSE ) SAYING, "I'VE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING WRONG. NOBODY CAN PROVE THAT I EVER DID
ANYTHING WRONG. IT'S PRETTY TOUGH WHEN A CITIZEN
WITH AN UNBLEMISHED RECORD MUST BE HOUNDED FROM HIS HOME.
I AM FEELING VERY BAD, VERY BAD. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THE
POLICE, PAID TO PROTECT YOU, ACTED TOWARDS YOU LIKE THEY
ACTED TOWARD ME?" I'M SORRY, I'M ACTUALLY BEING
TOLD THAT'S NOT A QUOTE FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
THAT'S A QUOTE FROM AL CAPONE. ( LAUGHTER )
OBVIOUSLY, I'M JOKING. THEY'RE NOTHING ALIKE.
AL CAPONE'S CRIME WAS ORGANIZED. SO WHY--
( APPLAUSE ) AL CAPONE FANS.
WAR. SO IS RUDY GIULIANI.
THIS ONE-- THIS ONE COMES FROM THE INVESTIGATION INTO THE
EX-PRESIDENT'S INTERFERENCE IN GEORGIA, WHERE HE DEMANDS THAT
THE GEORGIA SECRETARY OF STATE SOMEHOW FIND HIM 11,780 VOTES--
WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS THE SAME NUMBER OF INVESTIGATIONS
HE'S NOW UNDER. RUDY WAS ONE OF THE KEY PLAYERS
BEHIND THIS PLOT, AND HAS BEEN ORDERED TO TESTIFY BEFORE A
GRAND JURY IN FULTON COUNTY NEXT WEEK.
OH, YOU GOTTA FEEL BAD FOR GEORGIA.
FIRST, THE DEVIL WENT DOWN THERE, AND NOW THEY HAVE TO GET
A VISIT FROM RUDY? ( LAUGHTER )
AT LEAST THEY'RE BOTH GREAT AT FIDDLIN'.
>> Audience: OOOO"H." >> Stephen: REALLY, REALLY?
NO? NO?
FAIR ENOUGH. TECHNICALLY HE WAS PLAYING THE
ORGAN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME. BUT GIULIANI'S ATTORNEY TRIED TO
FIGHT THE SUMMONS, CLAIMING RUDY COULDN'T FLY TO ATLANTA BECAUSE
OF A RECENT HEART STENT OPERATION.
APPARENTLY, DOCTORS HAD TO REMOVE A BLOCKAGE OBSTRUCTING
THE FLOW OF LIFE-GIVING BEAUJOLAIS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS CASE, AND THE JUDGE ORDERED
RUDY TO GET TO GEORGIA THIS MONTH BY A TRAIN, A BUS, OR
UBER." BASICALLY, WHATEVER VEHICLE HE
WAKES UP IN. THERE'S NOT JUST BAD NEWS FOR
OUR EX-PRESIDENT. THERE'S ALSO GOOD NEWS FOR OUR
CURRENT PRESIDENT, BECAUSE TODAY THE LABOR DEPARTMENT REPORTED
THAT INFLATION DROPPED TO ZERO! IT IS FLAT.
( APPLAUSE ) FLAT FROM JUNE TO JULY.
AND NOT A MINUTE TOO SOON, BECAUSE AMERICAN FAMILIES HAVE
BEEN HIT HARD BY HIGH PRICES.
EVEN WEALTHIER ONES. CASE IN POINT:
RICHER PEOPLE ARE EATING MORE AT APPLEBEE'S AND IHOP.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY ARE. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DEEP-FRIED
MOZZARELLA STICK? I'M HAPPILY MARRIED, BUT THAT'S
MY HALL PASS. ( LAUGHTER )
NOTHING TO DO WITH INFLATION. APPLEBEE'S AND IHOP ARE WHERE
YOU CAN TASTE ALL THE TASTY TASTES!
THE SALTS ARE SALTY, THE FATS ARE FATTY, AND THE "FOUR CHEESE
MAC 'N CHEESE WITH HONEY PEPPER CHICKEN TENDERS" IS ALL OF THOSE
THINGS. AND WHEN I USED TO BE ON THE
ROAD, I ATE THERE ALL THE TIME, AND I NEVER REGRETTED EATING AT
AN APPLEBEE'S WHILE I WAS EATING IT.
AND IHOP IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE BEST PLACE TO GO IN THE MORNING TO
RECOVER FROM EATING AT APPLEBEE'S THE NIGHT BEFORE.
ON AN EARNINGS CALL, A COMPANY SPOKESMAN SAID "FOLKS THAT OFTEN
DINE AT MORE EXPENSIVE RESTAURANTS ARE NOW FINDING
APPLEBEE'S AND IHOP BECAUSE OF THEIR WELL-KNOWN VALUE."
YEAH, EVERYONE LOVES A DEAL, INCLUDING THE WEALTHY:
"AMANDA, GET YOUR PASSPORT, WE'RE GOING TO THE HOUSE OF
PANCAKES INTERNATIONAL. GARCON, JE VOUDRAIS LE ROOTY
TOOTY FRESH AND FRUITY, SIL VOUS PLAIT!"
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE--
( APPLAUSE ) I SPEAK SEVERAL LANGUAGES.
( CHEERING ) A TONIER CLIENTELE NOW, THEY'VE
ACTUALLY RAISED THEIR PRICES BUT THROWN IN BONUSES, LIKE ADDING A
DOZEN SHRIMP FOR A DOLLAR WHEN YOU ORDER A STEAK.
THAT'S WHERE I GET A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) COST A DOLLAR.
IF YOU'RE PAYING 8 CENTS A POP, THOSE AREN'T SHRIMP.
THOSE ARE SEA MONKEYS ON STEROIDS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS "SUCCESSION'S" KIERAN CULKIN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US, WON'T YOU? #.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY! WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND RIGHT OVER THERE!
LOUIS CATO. AND COMPANY.
OH, MY GOODNESS. OH, MY GOODNESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAGNIFICENT.
THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS A GOOD SEAT.
COMING UP, Y'ALL... ( APPLAUSE )
SHOW TONIGHT. QUITE A SHOW TONIGHT.
COMING UP IN JUST A MOMENT, EMMY NOMINATED WONDERFUL ACTOR FROM
HBO'S "SUCCESSION," KIERAN CULKIN IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE
IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. >> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S
RIGHT. >> Stephen: AND, I MEAN, I
HOPE WE CAN ALL HAVE AS MUCH FUN OVER HERE AS IT LOOKS Y'ALL ARE
HAVING OVER THERE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE FRONT-ROW
SEATS TO MR. JOE WALSH, RIGHT OVER THERE.
SAY HELLO. ( APPLAUSE )
HITS THIS WEEK, YOU KNOW, SOME MASTERERFUL GUITAR WORK.
IMMORTAL. IS THERE ANY CHANCE WE WILL HEAR
"LIFE NEWSCAST LANE THIS WEEK." >> THAT WILL COST YOU EXTRA.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LIKE GUAC? IT'S A LITTLE EXTRA FOR THAT HOW
ABOUT JUST THE RIFF? COULD WE HEAR EVEN JUST THE RIFF
AT ANY POINT. ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AFFORD.
THANK YOU. STOP RIGHT THERE.
>> Louis: COME ON! COME ON!
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL WE CAN AFFORD.
THANK YOU, JOE. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE, ADORNING THE STAGE WITH THE DAY'S BIGGEST
NEWS, INVITING THE FINEST, MOST-TOPICAL STORIES, BOOKING
JUGGLERS AND LUTE PLAYERS AND LAYING OUT A SPLENDID CORNUCOPIA
OF MEATS, FRUIT, AND WINE TO PUT ON FOR YOU THE LAVISH LOUIS
VERSAILLES GALA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I SNAP AWAKE IN THE WOODS BY THE AIRPORT,
THROW A TARP OVER A DIRTY BABY POOL AND TRAP A RAGTAG
COLLECTION OF FOREST CREATURES USING CHEESE LACED WITH COUGH
SYRUP, AND THEN MAKE THEM WATCH ME HONK THROUGH A BROKEN
HARMONICA IN THE DERANGED METH-HEAD'S PARTY HUT OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE STARS.
IT'S A LADDER TO ETERNITY "MEANWHILE," EVERYBODY.
MEANWHILE, ZOMBIE FANS, REJOICE! WE'VE JUST LEARNED THAT "THE
WALKING DEAD'S" DARYL SPIN-OFF TAKES PLACE IN FRANCE.
SO DARYL IS GONNA BE FINE. FRENCH ZOMBIES ARE NOTORIOUS
SNOBS. ( WITH FRENCH ACCENT )
EVEN COME WITH A BEARNAISE OR A NICE SAUVIGNON?
GO AWAY. I WAIT FOR A PROPER FRENCH
CEREBELLUM." PLUS, THEY'RE EASY TO GET AWAY
FROM, 'CUZ YOU CAN JUST TRAP THEM IN AN INVISIBLE BOX.
( LAUGHTER ) DEPARTMENT OF LUXURY SNOOZIN',
CASPER IS HIRING PROFESSIONAL NAPPERS WITH EXCEPTIONAL
SLEEPING ABILITY. I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT JOB
INTERVIEW: "WELL, I GUESS MY BIGGEST
WEAKNESS IS... MEANWHILE, DOMINO'S PIZZA IS
SHUTTING DOWN IN ITALY. OH, NO!
NOW WHEN ITALIANS WANT PIZZA, THEY'LL HAVE TO GO TO PAPA
JOHN'S. ( LAUGHTER )
THE LAST OF DOMINO'S 29 BRANCHES HAVE CLOSED.
YES, ONE BY ONE, THESE DOMINO'S FELL LIKE...
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, OREO IS BRINGING BACK
THEIR PUMPKIN SPICE SANDWICH COOKIE FOR A LIMITED TIME.
WHICH MEANS YOU'LL ONLY HAVE A FEW WEEKS NOT TO BUY IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, THEY HAVE AN "UNFORGETTABLE TWIST OF
PUMPKIN SPICE FLAVOR." I DON'T KNOW IF "UNFORGETTABLE"
IS AS POSITIVE A WORD AS THE OREO FOLKS THINK IT IS:
"OH, YOU'LL TRY TO FORGET. SPEND YEARS IN THERAPY.
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.3 THEN, JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE
FREE, YOU'LL CLOSE YOUR EYES AT NIGHT, AND THEY'LL BE THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) TIME.
BUT THE TRAUMA? FOREVER."
( LAUGHTER ) GUESTS GOT STUCK ON THE "IT'S A
SMALL WORLD" RIDE FOR OVER AN HOUR, AND DESCRIBED IT AS
"TORTURE." WELL, YEAH.
"IT'S A SMALL WORLD" IS DESIGNED TO BE TORTURE.
IT'S A BOAT RIDE THROUGH A HUMID DIORAMA WHERE THE MOST FAMOUSLY
ANNOYING SONG IN HUMAN HISTORY PLAYS ENDLESSLY.
IT'S WHERE THEY TAKE GITMO PRISONERS WHO WON'T TALK:
"YES, I'M A TERRORIST! NOW, PLEASE, JUST TAKE AWAY THE
TINY HARMONIZING BELGIANS!" EVIDENTLY--
( APPLAUSE ) REALLY?
EVIDENTLY, A LINE OF BOATS GOT STUCK WHEN ONE APPEARED TO BE
SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE WATER. ( LAUGHTER )
THE HARROWING EXPERIENCE. THEY'RE NOT MOVING.
AAAAND THEY'RE STILL NOT MOVING. OKAY, JUST WALK OUT!
IT'S NOT A REAL RIVER! THERE'S NO CROCODILES!
IT'S TWO FEET DEEP! "WELL, KIDS, I GUESS THIS IS IT.
WE COULD WALK TO SHORE, 18 INCHES FROM HERE.
BUT THE HEM OF MY SHORTS MIGHT GET DAMP.
WHO'RE WHO DO WE EAT FIRST? BILLY EATS CHOREOS.
MAYBE HE TASTES LIKE CINNAMON. MEANWHILE, AMERICAN FOOTBALL
DOOFUS AARON RODGERS SAID THAT TAKING THE PSYCHEDELIC DRUG
AYAHUASCA LED TO "THE BEST SEASON OF MY CAREER."
SHOCKINGLY, THERE WILL BE NO REPERCUSSIONS FOR THE DRUG USE,
BECAUSE PSYCHEDELICS AREN'T A BANNED SUBSTANCE SO "HIS USE OF
AYAHUASCA WON'T GET HIM IN TROUBLE WITH THE N.F.L.," THE
LEAGUE SAYS. IN FACT, THE N.F.L. IS SO ON
BOARD, THEY RELEASED A BRAND-NEW SLATE OF PROMOS.
SEE IF YOU CAN TELL. >> MONDAY NIGHT, THE RAIDERS
TAKE ON THE CHARGERS BUT, IN FACT, THEY ARE ALL ONE PEOPLE,
CONNECTED BY THE WORLD-SPIRIT, IN AN INFINITELY EXPANDING PLANE
OF HUMAN COMPASSION. SEE THE BIG HITS, FEEL A
HUNDRED DIFFERENT HANDS ON YOUR BODY, IMPARTING A BLESSING
OF FORGIVENESS AND GRATITUDE. BROUGHT TO
YOU BY QUETZALCOATL, THE OFFICIAL FEATHERED SERPENT GOD
OF THE N.F.L. >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH KIERAN CULKIN. ♪ ♪ ♪
HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM "IGBY GOES DOWN," "SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD,"
AND "SUCCESSION." >> JUST EXPLAIN IT OUT OF
RESPECT AND YOU CAN TAKE THE MESSAGE.
>> I GOT IT. >> THIS GUY, TONY, ARE YOU
KIDDING? ARE YOU SURE.
>> DON'T SWEAR AT HIM. >> IT'S NOT COOL TO TELL THE
PRESIDENT TO BLOW ME. >> HEY, MR. PRESIDENT, SORRY.
YEAH, NO-- WHOOPS. CROSSTALK, YOU GO.
YEAH, NO, THIS IS ACTUALLY-- I'M HIS SON, ROMAN.
YUP. THAT ONE.
LOOK, HE CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, BUT HOW ARE YOU DOING?
YEAH, I WILL CERTAINLY LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU ARE UPSET.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," KIERAN CULKIN!
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING
HERE. >> THANKS.
>> Stephen: I HAD A GOOD TIME WITH YOU WHEN YOU WERE HERE LAST
SEPTEMBER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: YOU AND PRETTY
MUCH THE WHOLE CAST CAME HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE SHOW.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHICH I AND SO
MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE HAVE... >> HAVE SEEN.
>> Stephen: MORE THAN SEEN. KIND OF OBSESSED WITH.
>> OH, WOW. >> Stephen: AND THE SHOW THIS
YEAR GOT 25 EMMY NOMINATIONS. >> I HEARD.
>> Stephen: AND A RECORD-BREAKING-- YOU HEARD?
>> I HEARD. >> Stephen: SOMEBODY CALLED
YOU? >> I GOT AN EMAIL.
>> Stephen: A RECORD 14 ACTING NOMINATIONS, ONE OF WHICH IS
YOU. CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE )
>> YOUR PRODUCER BACKSTAGE TOLD ME THAT WAS A RECORD.
>> Stephen: IT IS A RECORD. >> I JUST FOUND OUT.
>> Stephen: IS THIS YOUR FIRST NOMINATION?
>> NO, SECOND. LOOK IT UP, MAN, LIKE, DO-- DO
YOUR RESEARCH. ( LAUGHTER ).
>> SHOULD I LEAVE NOW? >> Stephen: WHY NOT.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN
TOGETHER SINCE THE NOMINATIONS CAME OUT TO CELEBRATE?
>> NO, WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I THINK THAT HAPPENED, AND THEN WE JUST STARTED GOING TO WORK.
AND WE DON'T ALL WORK THE SAME DAYS --
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SHOOTING RIGHT NOW?
>> YEAH, I JUST CAME FROM SET. I'M ACTUALLY WEARING COSTUME.
I'M DEAD SERIOUS. THE GUY WHO MIC'd ME SAID,s,
WHERE DO I DO THE WIRES? AND I SAID, "THERE ARE HOLES IN
THE POCKET TO PULL THE WIRES BECAUSE THIS IS COSTUME."
IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME LAST NIGHT THAT I HAD TO WEAR CLOTHES TO
THE SHOW. I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.
I HAVE TWO YOUNG KIDS SO ALL MY KIDS ARE OVER-SIZED THINGS AND
OFFCADO SMEARED ON IT. I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR, AND I
RAN TO THE WARDROBE TRUCK,s, JUSTIN, I'M ON TV."
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE ROMAN LOOK?
>> IT'S ROMAN, YEAH. > Stephen: IS THERE ANY
DANGER OF SLIPPING INTO ROMAN WHILE YOU'RE IN THE ROMAN
COSTUME? >> Stephen: THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S HIM. >> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HIM TRYING TO EXPRESS LOVE.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE ARE PARTICULARLY THRILLED, PEOPLE
REALLY LIKE THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ROME AND GARY.
>> WHO THREW A DRINK IN MY FACE. >> Stephen: HERE ARE THE TWO
OF YOU. THERE'S AN ON AGAIN/OFF AGAIN--
( APPLAUSE ) THINK GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO
OF YOU. AND SHE TWEETED THIS, "I THREW A
DRINK IN KIERAN'S FACE TONIGHT. >> GREAT, GREAT, THANKS.
SHE POSTED IT, LOSER. >> Stephen: HERE'S THE PROOF.
THERE'S YOU POST-DRINK. WHY-- WHY DID SHE THROW A DRINK
IN YOUR FACE? >> WE JUST FINISHED DOING A
TABLE READ FOR, LIKE, THE FOURTH EPISODE, AND SHE WAS A LITTLE
UPSET. SHE GOES, "YOU HAVE A JOKE ABOUT
MY OLD AGE, AND THERE ARE ALWAYS SO MANY JOKES ABOUT HOW OLD I
AM." WHICH THE SHOW IS PRETTY BRUTAL
MAKING FUN OF EVERYBODY. IN THE SHOW, DAD HAS MADE
COMMENTS ABOUT ME BEING A BENDY ( BLEEP ).
LAUGHING LIE A HYENA. SOMEBODY SAID, "MY BROTHER
CONNOR." AND HE GOES, "IS HE THE ONE WITH
THE FACE?" I DON'T KNOW HOW ALAN IS
SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT ONE. >> Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY
ROUGH. NO ONE IS PARTICULARLY NICE TO
EACH OTHER. >> NO.
AND THE WRITERS ARE UNLOADING ON US.
"NO, WE DIDN'T SAY THAT, THE CHARACTER SAID IT.
WE JUST WROTE IT FOR THEM TO SAY."
THAT'S JUST WHAT WE THINK ABOUT YOU.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU SAY BACK?
>> LATER ON WE'RE HAVING DINNER AND SARAH SNOOK IS SAYING MEN'S
EARS AND NOSES NEVER STOP GROWING, SO AS THEY GET OLDER
THEY HAVE LONG EARS. I SAID, "ARE YOU SURE THAT'S
JUST MEN?" AND SHE GOES, "WHY ARE YOU
POINTING AT ME? WHY?"
I SAID, "NO, NO, YOU HAVE LONG EARS.
WER THEY ALWAYS THAT WAY?" ( LAUGHTER )
IN MY FACE. THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S EARLY ON THE
IN DINNER. LATER ON, THE RESTAURANT'S
GETTING MORE AND MORE FULL, SO IT GETS HARDER FOR HER TO HEAR.
SHE KEEPS HAVING TO ASK, "WHAT'S FUNNY.
WHAT DID HE SAY?" I SAID, YOU HAVE ALL THAT EAR,
AND YOU CAN'T HEAR?" STILL, NO DRINK IN MY FACE.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> STILL NO DRINK IN MY FACE.
AND WE GET THE CHECK EXPRV IS GETTING READY TO GO.
AND SHE GOES, "WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT ARE WE DOING?"
AND I TAKE HER HAND AND GO ( SHOUTING )
WE'RE GOING NOW! WE'RE ALL GOING HOME!
IT'S 8:00. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STAYING UP
SO LATE! WE FRESHT!"
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE LUCKY IT
WAS A DRINK. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOT A STEAK KNIFE. >> YEAH.
I THINK THAT'S ROUND ONE. >> Stephen: THIS RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN ROMAN AND JERRY, CAN WE EXPECT MORE OF IT?
IS THERE GOING TO BE MORE OF IT THIS SEASON?
>> I DON'T KNOW, WE'RE BOTH STILL ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: WE WANT TO SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
>> WHEN PEOPLE SAY I DON'T WANT SPOILERS.
I DON'T KNOW UP UNTIL WE GET THE NEXT SCRIPT.
WE GOT AN EARLY DRAFT OF EPISODE FOUR.
SO WE DON'T KNOW BEYOND THAT. >> Stephen: YOU'VE SHOT ONE,
TWO, THREE. >> I HAVE NOT SHOT ANY OF ONE.
WE HAD TO JUMP AHEAD TO TWO AND THREE.
I'VE DONE SOME WORK WITH JAY, YEAH.
OOOOH! >> Stephen: PEOPLE WANT
ANYTHING. >> "THEY'VE DONE SCENE WORK.
HMMM..." >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE KIERAN CULKIN, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH KIERAN CULKIN, FROM HBO'S
"SUCCESSION." ALEXSANDER SKARZGUARD IS HE
BACK? >> I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SAY.
WILL THEY GET MAD AT ME IF I SAY THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. IN SCRIPT SO FAR.
I HAVE NOT SEEN HIM. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
MAYBE I HAVE. >> Stephen: SO HE'S DEFINITELY
BACK. >> HE'S MAYBE BACK.
HE'S ALSO MAYBE NOT BACK. >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN TO
LIKE CROATIA. >> CROATIA WAS BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU TELL ME ANY PLACE THAT YOU'RE GOING
SPECIAL THIS YEAR? >> I EBL SPECIFICALLY CANNOT.
>> Stephen: YOU SPECIFICALLY CANNOT.
>> I ASKED TODAY, "ARE WE SHOOTING THERE?"
THEY SAID, "DON'T SAY ANYTHING." WHO CARES, IT'S THE LOCATION.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU CAN'T GIVE AWAY THE LOCATION.
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WHERE IT IS. I KNOW AND YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU
TOLD MY PRODUCER BEFORE YOU ASKED WHETHER YOU COULD TELL
ANYBODY. >> THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: SO I COULD SAY IT RIGHT NOW!
I COULD OPEN MY MOUTH AND SAY IT RIGHT NOW.
>> TOTALLY. >> Stephen: AND THERE'S
NOTHING YOU COULD DO ABOUT IT. >> THEY WERE SO HAPPY TO ME
TODAY WHEN I ASKED PERMISSION. THEY WERE LIKE, "THANK YOU, SO
MUCH FOR ASKING. NO, DON'T TELL HIM.
WE LOVE YOU FOR ASKING, THANK YOU."
AND YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN IT. >> Stephen: NO, I'M GOING TO
FEEL SPECIAL. I'M NOT GOING TO DO NOTHING.
I'M JUST GOING TO SAY TO EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD,
"WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?" UH-HUH.
DO YOU GUYS-- ARE YOU GUYS HAVING ANY KIND OF EMMYS PARTY
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT OUT THERE? >> NO.
>> Stephen: IF THERE IS, INVITE ME, OR I TELL EVERYBODY
WHERE YOU'RE SHOOTING. ( APPLAUSE )
DEAL? ALL RIGHT.
THAT GOES FOR ME AND MY WHOLE SHOW.
WHEN WE WERE HERE LAST FALL, OTHER PEOPLE IN THE CAST SAID
YOU'RE THE BIGGEST CURSER. YOU'RE THE BEST, BIGGER, CURSER,
CUSSER, BOMB-DROPPER ON THE SET. NOT IN CHARACTER, YOU.
>> YEAH, GLIINGS IS THAT HARD TO TURN OFF, OR ARE YOU NOT TURNING
ANYTHING ON OR OFF. BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?
>> I HAVE KIDS. AND MY DAUGHTER IS JUST AT AN
AGE NOW WHERE SHE JUST REPEATS EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS HE-- >> I DON'T KNOW HOW.
I NEVER H HAD A FILTER. I HAD A TUTOR, AND SHE SAID
DON'T. FROM THE AGE OF NINE, I FEEL
LIKE I HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED TO... I JUST LET LOOSE, AND I MY
DAUGHTER WILL REPEAT THINGS SOMETIMES.
THE OTHER DAY-- ACTUALLY, MY WIFE DOESN'T KNOW THIS YET SO
THIS IS KIND OF A FUN WAY FOR HER TO FIND THIS OUT.
SHE HAD A BAD NIGHT'S SLEEP. I SAID, "YOU SLEEP IN, I'LL TAKE
THE KIDS, AND GIVE THEM BREAKFAST.
I HAVE MY BOY IN THE HIGHCHAIR. AND AS I'M MAKING IT I THINK OF
SOMETHING I DID AT WORK THEY COULD HAVE DONE BETTER AND I
WENT ( BLEEP ). AND MY DAUGHTER GOES, "DADDY,
WHAT IS ( BLEEP )?" AND I KEEP MAKING-- MAKING-- "D,
DADDY?" >> YEAH, I CAN HEAR YOU.
>> WHAT IS ( BLEEP ). DO YOU WANT A PEACH?
I FELT LIKE MY OPTIONS WERE-- I HAD TWO OR THREE OPTIONS, DO
WHAT I JUST DIGNORE IT, AND GIVE HER A ( BLEEP ) PEACH.
WHICH IS WHAT I DID. AND THERE WAS MY INSTINCT, WHICH
WAS TO LAUGH MY ASS OFF, BUT THAT ENCOURAGED IT.
AND THERE WAS THE GOOD PARENTING THING WHICH IS TO TAKE A KNEE
AND EXPLAIN TO HER THAT THAT IS A BAD WORD DADDY SAID AND YOU
SHOULDN'T DO IT. I KNOW MY DAUGHTER, IF I DID
THAT, SHE WOULD HAVE ONE IN THE CHAMBER AT ALL TIMES GOING, "I
CAN DROP A ( BLEEP ) AT ANY POINT AND RUIN YOUR DAY."
>> Stephen: SO WHEN SHE'S OLDER, SHE'S GOING TO ASSOCIATE
THAT WORD WITH GETTING A TREAT. >> YES.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
YEAH. >> Stephen: FATHER OF THE
YEAR. WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF
A BREAK HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL
ASK KIERAN ABOUT A PARTICULAR ACTING SKILL HE HAS THAT PISSES
OFF BRIAN COX. STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK HERE WITH KIERAN
CULKIN. THERE YOU GO.
OKEY-DOKEY. SO, YOU'VE BEEN ACTING SINCE YOU
WERE SIX. AS YOU WERE SAYING.
YOU HAD A PRETTY GOOD EXPERIENCE AS A CHILD ACTOR.
>> I DID. I JUST REALIZED MY FIRST ACTING
EXPERIENCE WAS A COMMERCIAL I DID-- I WAS SIX SO I DON'T
REALLY KNOW WHAT IT WAS-- IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT LEARNING
DISABILITIES AND THE IDEA WAS STAYING IN FRONT OF A CHALK
BOARD AND KIDS WERE YELLING AT ME CALLING ME AN IDIOT OR STUPID
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THAT'S HOW I STARTED ACTING
DOING THAT, AND DIRECTOR WAS YELLING THINGS LIKE, IDIOT,
STUPID, MORON," TO GET ME INTO IT I GUESS OR SOMETHING.
IT EXPLAINS ME A BIT, I THINK. >> Stephen: ARE THERE ANY SORT
OF TRICKS YOU PICKED UP AS A YOUNG ACTOR THAT STILL ARE
USEFUL NOW? >> I'M REALLY GLAD I DID IT AS A
KID KID. WHEN IT COMES TO THE ACTING PART
OF IT, THERE'S ALMOST NOTHING I'VE KANE FROM CHILDHOOD INTO
WHAT I DO NOW. I LEARN LIEBZ INCREDIBLY FAST
NOW BECAUSE I'VE JUST BEEN DOING IT SINCE I WAS SIX.
SO THAT'S-- IT'S ALMOST LIKE A FUN PARTY TRICK.
IT PISSED OFF BRIAN COX ONE DAY. >> Stephen: WHO PLAYS LOGAN
ROY. >> WHO PLAYS LOGAN ROY.
HE HAS BEEN ACTING FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND HE HAS A PROCESS
AND IT TAKES HIM A LONG TIME TO LEARN LINES.
AND I SHOWED UP AND SAID, "WE'RE DOING THIS SCENE?
I DON'T KNOW IT." I DID A QUICK REHEARSAL, AND I
HAD TO GO GET DRESSED, GET READY.
AND BRIAN WANTED TO RUN THE LINES AND I SAID ( BLEEP ) I
STILL HAVEN'T LOOKED ON IT. WE GOT HALFWAY THROUGH AND
CALLED TO SET AND I DROPPED IT AND HE SAID, "DO YOU KNOW IT?"
AND I SAID, "WE'LL SEE." AND IT JUST CAME OUT.
I DID IT. HE SAID, "WHEN DID YOU LEARN
THAT, JUST NOW?" AND I SAID, "YES, JUST NO."
AND HE SAID, "DAMN IT!" HE WAS SO MAD.
"I WAS UP ALL NIGHT LEARNING IT!"
( APPLAUSE ). EMMYS.
>> OH, YEAH, THANKS. >> Stephen: I'LL SEE YOU AT
THE PARTY. "SUCCESSION" IS AVAILABLE ON HBO
MAX. KIERAN CULKIN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY RUN THE JEWELS.
STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: PERFORMING "A FEW WORDS FOR THE FIRING SQUAD" FROM
THEIR ALBUM, "RTJ4," RUN THE JEWELS!
♪ I WOKE UP EARLY ONCE AGAIN THAT'S FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT
♪ I DIDN'T WAKE YOU, BABY I JUST WATCHED YOU LAY
IN THE RADIATION OF THE CITY SUN ♪ I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU
IT IS MY ONLY GRACE ♪ YOU KNOW HOW EVERYTHING CAN
SEEM A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE? ♪ ALL OF MY LIFE, THAT SEEMED TO
BE THE ONLY NORMAL STATE ♪ SO FEELIN' NORMAL NEVER REALLY
MEANT ME FEELIN' SANE ♪ AND BEIN' CLEAR ABOUT THE
TRUTH AND BEIN' SANE HAVE NEVER REALLY BEEN THE SAME
♪ I USED TO WANNA GET THE CHANCE TO SHOW THE WORLD I'M SMART, HA
ISN'T THAT DUMB? ♪ I SHOULD'VE FOCUSED MOSTLY ON
THE HEART ♪ 'CAUSE I SEEN SMARTER PEOPLE
TRAMPLE LIFE LIKE IT'S AN ART ♪ SO BEIN' SMART AIN'T WHAT IT
USED TO BE THAT'S REALLY DARK
♪ YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THE WORST OF US HAVE ALL THE CHIPS?
♪ WE CAN KINDA TAKES THE SHEEN OFF PEOPLE GETTIN' RICH
♪ LIKE MAYBE RICH IS NOT THE HOLY EVER-LOVIN'
KING OF NOTHIN' (BLEEP) ♪ KNOW WE KNOW YOU'RE BLUFFIN'
YOU ARE DEALING WITH THE (BLEEP) MONEY-MONEY RUNNERS
MY PARTNER IN RHYME AND CRIME ARE YOU THE JEWEL.
♪ IT'D BE A LIE IF I TOLD YOU THAT I EVER DISDAINED THE
FORTUNE AND FAME ♪ BUT THE PRESENCE OF THE
PLEASURE DOESN'T ABSTAIN ME FROM ANY OF THE PAIN
♪ WHEN MY MOTHER TRANSITIONED TO ANOTHER PLANE
♪ I WAS SITTING ON A PLANE TELLIN' HER TO HOLD ON
♪ AND SHE TRIED HARD BUT SHE JUST COULDN'T HANG
♪ BEEN TWO YEARS TRUTH IS, I'LL PROBABLY
NEVER BE THE SAME ♪ DEAD SERIOUS, IT'S A CHORE
NOT TO LET MYSELF GO INSANE ♪ IT'S CRIPPLING
MAKE YOU WANNA LEAN ON A CUP OF PROMETHAZINE
♪ BUT MY QUEEN SAY SHE NEED A KING
NOT ANOTHER JUNKIE, FLUNKY ♪ RAPPER FIEND
FRIENDS TELL HER ♪ "HE COULD BE ANOTHER MALCOLM
HE COULD BE ANOTHER MARTIN" ♪ SHE TOLD HER PARTNER
"I NEED A HUSBAND MORE THAN THE WORLD NEED ANOTHER MARTYR"
♪ RAISED IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA WHERE I USE TO RIDE THE MARTA
♪ WITH A EMPTY .22 IN THE FRONT POCKET OF MY BRAVES STARTER
♪ TRYIN' TO MAKE IT OUT THE MUD AS A BABY FATHER IS MUCH HARDER
♪ THE SAME CHILDREN THAT YOU LOVE AND ADORE
THE COURT'LL USE TO BREAK AND ROB YA
♪ CIRCUMSTANCE WOULDA BROKE A WEAKER MAN
♪ BUT I PUT IT ON MY MAMA I'M A MAN OF HONOR
AND THE HARDSHIP MADE ME A BETTER MONEY RUNNER
♪ THIS IS FOR THE NEVER-HEARD NEVER EVEN GOT AN ITTY-BITTY
WORD. ♪ THIS IS FOR MY SISTER, SARAH
HONEY, I'M SO SORRY YOU WERE HURT, AYY
THIS IS FOR THE DAWN MAMA TOOK A KNOCK
HAD TO CHANGE THE LOCKS ♪ DUSTED UP AND BRUSHED OFF
AND I WATCHED TALK ABOUT A BOSS
FOR THE HOLDERS OF A SHRED OF HEART
EVEN WHEN YOU WANNA FALL APART WHEN YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY
♪ THE FOG, TREADIN' WATER IN THE ICE-COLD DARK
♪ WHEN THEY GOT YOU FEELIN' LIKE A FOX, RUNNIN' FROM
ANOTHER PACK OF DOGS ♪ PUT THE PISTOL AND
THE FIST UP IN THE AIR ♪ WE ARE THERE
SWEAR TO GOD ♪ BLACK CHILD IN AMERICA
THE FACT THAT I MADE IT'S MAGIC ♪ BLACK AND BEAUTIFUL
THE WORLD BROKE MY MAMA HEART AND SHE DIED AN ADDICT
♪ GOD BLESSED ME TO REDEEM HER IN MY THOUGHTS, WORDS
AND MY ACTIONS ♪ SATISFACTION FOR THE DEVIL
♪ HE'LL NEVER, EVER HAVE IT THIS IS FOR THE DO-GOODERS
♪ THAT THE NO-GOODERS USED AND THEN ABUSED
♪ FOR THE TRUTH-TELLERS TIED TO THE WHIPPIN' POST
LEFT BEATEN, BATTERED, BRUISED FOR THE ONES WHOSE BODY HUNG
FROM A TREE LIKE A PIECE OF STRANGE FRUIT
GO HARD LAST WORDS TO THE FIRING SQUAD
WAS "(BLEEP) YOU TOO" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR THE "LATE SHOW"."
SECRETARY KARINE JEAN-PIERRE AND TATIANA MASLANY.
GOOD NIGHT. ♪ ♪