1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:06,940 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" 2 00:00:07,006 --> 00:00:09,909 TONIGHT: A TRIP DOWN FELONY LANE! 3 00:00:09,976 --> 00:00:14,948 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: ROBERT DE NIRO 4 00:00:15,014 --> 00:00:20,954 ETHAN HAWKE GUEST ST. VINCENT. 5 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:25,959 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 6 00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:30,263 AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 7 00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:36,202 CITY IS STEPHEN COLBERT! 8 00:00:36,269 --> 00:00:46,079 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). 9 00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:50,150 >> Stephen: LOVELY. 10 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,353 Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 11 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:56,956 HILO THOMAS, HELLO MARCUS, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, THANK YOU SO 12 00:00:57,023 --> 00:00:57,991 MUCH. 13 00:00:58,057 --> 00:00:59,359 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 14 00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:03,830 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 15 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,666 (APPLAUSE) VERY NICE, VERY NICE. 16 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:09,436 NOW SHARP-EYED VIEWERS WILL NOTICE 17 00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:11,371 I'M SITTING FOR TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE. 18 00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:16,776 THAT'S BECAUSE WE TAPED THIS EARLIER. 19 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:17,877 YEAH, EARLIER. 20 00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:20,680 RIGHT NOW, I'M ACTUALLY ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE EMMYS. 21 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:26,186 I'M EITHER VERY PROUD OF MY STAFF-- 22 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:35,028 OR I'M VERY PROUD OF MY STAFF AND WE WON AN EMMY. 23 00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:38,131 TONIGHTS-- TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A TON OF 24 00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:44,304 GREAT, NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN STUFF FOR YOU FEATURING THE SEXIEST 25 00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:47,841 CELEBRITIES PLUS THE GUESTS I'M INTERVIEWING. 26 00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:49,442 BUT FIRST FOR YOU TONIGHT, WE PUT TOGETHER A SPECIAL 27 00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:52,312 LOOK BACK AT FORMER PRESIDENT ONE TRICK PHONY. 28 00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:53,379 THE MAN JUST WON'T GO AWAY. 29 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:57,383 EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER STORY ABOUT HIM. 30 00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:03,323 HIM UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR THIS OR THAT OR THE OTHER NUCLEAR 31 00:02:03,389 --> 00:02:03,990 SECRET. 32 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,158 SO BUT THE BIGGEST STORY WILL 33 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:06,392 ALWAYS BE JANUARY 6th-- THE DAY HE ATTEMPTED TO THROW OUR 34 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:10,997 ELECTION OUT THE WINDOW, THEN HIS CHICKEN NUGGETS AT THE WALL. 35 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:14,934 THIS MONTH, THE SELECT COMMITTEE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE 36 00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,637 REVELATIONS THAT WILL SHOCK ANYONE... 37 00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:19,839 WHO HASN'T BEEN WATCHING MY SHOW. 38 00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:21,941 BECAUSE WE LOOKED BACK, AND, TURNS OUT? 39 00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:24,143 WE PREDICTED EVERY INSANE, CRIMINAL STEP HE TOOK DOWN 40 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,946 NUTBALL TREASON HIGHWAY. 41 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:31,951 AND OUR JOB HERE AT THE SHOW IS TO TALK ABOUT ALL THAT 42 00:02:32,018 --> 00:02:33,820 STUFF THAT WE ALL HEAR AND NEWS EVERY DAY, AND TALK ABOUT IT 43 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:38,291 WITH YOU, WE TALK ABOUT IT TOGETHER SO YOU DON'T FEEL 44 00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:38,758 ALONE. 45 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:39,993 WHICH WE ALL WERE. 46 00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:44,531 BECAUSE THIS WAS DURING COVID, WHEN I WAS DOING MY SHOW FROM A 47 00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:48,535 SUPPLY CLOSET ON THE 8th FLOOR WITH THE HAIRDO OF 48 00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:49,636 OF A LASCIVIOUS ENGLISH PROFESSOR. 49 00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:51,738 "MY OFFICE HOURS ARE 4:00 P.M. 50 00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:52,872 TO BREAKFAST." 51 00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:56,543 SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK BACK AT THE LEAD-UP TO JANUARY 6th, 52 00:02:56,609 --> 00:03:00,547 AND HUMBLY REMIND OURSELVES WHAT WE WERE TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT 53 00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:02,482 ALL ALONG. 54 00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:04,551 WE JUST FOUND OUT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS ACTIVELY DISCUSSING 55 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:09,956 RADICAL MEASURES TO BYPASS THE ELECTION RESULTS. 56 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:13,927 BUT ACCORDING TO A TRUMP CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISOR, IF TRUMP 57 00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:20,600 LOSES THE ELECTION, HIS CAMPAIGN CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISOR, IF TRUMP 58 00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:21,801 LOSES THE ELECTION, HIS CAMPAIGN IS CONSIDERING ASKING 59 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,036 "LEGISLATORS IN BATTLEGROUND STATES, WHERE REPUBLICANS HAVE A 60 00:03:23,102 --> 00:03:26,940 LEGISLATIVE MAJORITY, TO BYPASS THE STATE'S POPULAR VOTE," AND 61 00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:29,842 TO CHOOSE ELECTORS LOYAL TO THE G.O.P. AND THE SITTING 62 00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:31,010 PRESIDENT. 63 00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:35,582 WELL, LIKE LINCOLN SAID AT GETTYSBURG, "A GOVERNMENT OF THE 64 00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:38,251 PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM 65 00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:39,352 THIS EARTH. 66 00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:39,986 UNLESS I LOSE. 67 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,622 IN WHICH CASE, I'M KING NOW. 68 00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:47,360 BOW BEFORE LINCOLN!" WE ARE LIVE, RIGHT THERE, AFTER 69 00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:48,595 THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE! 70 00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:51,331 TONIGHT WAS THE OPENING ROUND OF DONALD TRUMP VERSUS JOE BIDEN: 71 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:54,601 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOMERS! 72 00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:57,170 THE SHOW-MAN VERSUS THE JOE-MAN! 73 00:03:57,236 --> 00:04:03,242 GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY TO CRUUUUUUMBLE! 74 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,144 >> I AM URGING MY SUPPORTERS TO GO INTO THE POLLS AND WATCH VERY 75 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:06,746 CAREFULLY. 76 00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:10,717 >> Stephen: "MAYBE GO HANG OUT THERE, WEARING YOUR FAVORITE 77 00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:15,355 BROWN SHIRT, AND JUST, YOU KNOW, S.S. THE SITUATION." 78 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,858 BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS, OR REALLY ANY DEBATE, 79 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,260 WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN 80 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,862 WHITE SUPREMACY. 81 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:23,529 >> YOU WANT TO CALL THEM? 82 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:24,163 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM? 83 00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:24,597 GIVE ME A NAME. 84 00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:30,470 GIVE ME A NAME. 85 00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:31,638 >> WHITE SUPREMICISTS, PROUD BOYS, AND RIGHT-WING MILITIA. 86 00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:32,505 >> PROUD BOYS. 87 00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:33,773 >> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY. 88 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,341 >> Stephen: THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR. 89 00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:38,511 BECAUSE, WITHIN MINUTES, "GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S 90 00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:42,749 COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS." 91 00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:43,516 NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR. 92 00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:45,385 THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT. 93 00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:46,419 THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B. 94 00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:51,024 OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF NATURAL LUBRICATION. 95 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:52,725 NOW, HAVING SEEN TONIGHT'S DEBATE, THERE'S TWO THINGS- 96 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:53,326 >> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH. 97 00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:53,693 >> Stephen: NO! 98 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:54,127 NO! 99 00:04:54,193 --> 00:04:54,494 GET OUT OF HERE! 100 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:54,861 BACK! 101 00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:58,731 BACK, BACK! 102 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:03,336 IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP HIM OFF THE FURNITURE. 103 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,805 BUT IF TRUMP DOES END UP LOSING... 104 00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,340 (MOUTHS "PLEASE") I'M SURE HE WILL BE GRACIOUS 105 00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:08,975 WHEN HE PRETENDS THAT HE WON. 106 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,344 BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO "AXIOS," TRUMP PLANS TO DECLARE 107 00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:12,612 PREMATURE VICTORY. 108 00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:13,579 PREMATURE IS NO SURPRISE. 109 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,049 LIKE HE ALWAYS SAYS TO HIS LADIES: 110 00:05:16,115 --> 00:05:16,983 "I WAS FIRST. 111 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:23,356 I WIN SEX!" THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO PRECEDENT 112 00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:27,994 FOR A PRESIDENT TO ACTUALLY-- >> I WIN, I WIN, I WIN-- 113 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:28,561 >> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE! 114 00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:28,928 I CAST YOU OUT! 115 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:29,862 GO! 116 00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:30,997 GET! 117 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:35,301 I'LL TELL YOU, I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE ON SHOWTIME, BECAUSE 118 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:39,072 HOLY (BLEEP), THIS IS A WEIRD (BLEEP) ELECTION. 119 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:42,608 WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT DELAWARE HAS BEEN WON BY 120 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:43,342 JOE BIDEN. 121 00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:46,913 WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO! 122 00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:47,947 IT'S HIS HOME STATE. 123 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:48,681 THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP LOSING NEW YORK-- 124 00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:54,620 HE WHAT?! 125 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,690 AND, 24 HOURS LATER, WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE WINNER OF THE 126 00:05:57,757 --> 00:05:58,157 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. 127 00:05:58,224 --> 00:05:58,591 >> I WIN! 128 00:05:58,658 --> 00:05:59,125 I WIN! 129 00:05:59,192 --> 00:05:59,759 I WIN! 130 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:00,293 >> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE! 131 00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:00,626 GET! 132 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:01,427 GO! 133 00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,362 SCAT! 134 00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:07,033 >> (HISS) >> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, AT 12:45 135 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:11,337 A.M., WITH MILLIONS OF BALLOTS STILL UNCOUNTED, AND BIDEN AHEAD 136 00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:14,574 IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND THE POPULAR VOTE TRUMP TWEETED, 137 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,477 "WE ARE WINNING BIG, BUT THEY ARE TRYING TO STEAL 138 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:18,578 THE ELECTION. 139 00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:23,349 WE WILL NEVER LET THEM DO IT. 140 00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:26,552 VOTES CANNOT BE CAST AFTER THE 'POLES' ARE CLOSED!" 141 00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:30,623 FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE LITERALLY NOT WINNING. 142 00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:35,228 SECOND, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU MEANT THAT SPELLING OF "POLLS." 143 00:06:35,294 --> 00:06:36,395 "I HATE IT WHEN THE POLES CLOSE. 144 00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,798 ALL THE DANCERS LEAVE THE STAGE, AND YOU'RE LEFT ALL ALONE, 145 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:42,602 TOTALLY BROKE, COVERED IN GLITTER AND SPITTLE." 146 00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:45,138 BUT, YOU KNOW, TWEET SCHMEET. 147 00:06:45,204 --> 00:06:47,340 IT'S NOT LIKE, RIGHT AFTER MIDNIGHT, HE MARCHED INTO THE 148 00:06:47,406 --> 00:06:50,843 EAST ROOM AND DECLARED VICTORY AND SAID "STOP COUNTING." 149 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,980 HE WAITED UNTIL 2:00 A.M. FOR THAT. 150 00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:56,849 >> WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN THIS ELECTION. 151 00:06:56,916 --> 00:07:02,188 FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS ELECTION. 152 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,389 >> Stephen: THERE IT IS. 153 00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:06,626 A POWER GRAB BY A TERRIFIED STRONGMAN IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. 154 00:07:06,692 --> 00:07:07,894 CLASSIC. 155 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,963 IF THERE'S ANYTHING 2:00 A.M. IS KNOWN FOR, IT'S DESPERATE MOVES 156 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:15,334 BY SAD LITTLE MEN WHO ARE AFRAID TO GO HOME FEELING LIKE A LOSER. 157 00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:18,604 JOE BIDEN DID IT! 158 00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:23,342 ("CELEBRATE") HE'S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT! 159 00:07:23,409 --> 00:07:26,312 IT FEELS LIKE AMERICA IS... 160 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:26,679 WHAT'S THE WORD? 161 00:07:26,746 --> 00:07:30,082 GREAT AGAIN. 162 00:07:30,149 --> 00:07:34,520 IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE THE ELECTION WAS CALLED FOR BIDEN, 163 00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:42,562 AND AS OF THIS TAPING, DONALD TRUMP HAS REFUSED TO CONCEDE. 164 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,197 THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN HOLED UP IN THE WHITE HOUSE TANTRUM 165 00:07:44,263 --> 00:07:46,666 PANTRY, WHERE THINGS ARE SO STRESSFUL, THE "DAILY MAIL" 166 00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:48,034 REPORTS HIS STAFF IS LIGHTING ROSE-SCENTED CANDLES IN AN 167 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,468 ATTEMPT TO SOFTEN THE ENVIRONMENT. 168 00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:50,536 AND TO COMBAT THE SMELL OF FAST FOOD DELIVERED TO THE 169 00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:51,537 PRESIDENT. 170 00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:54,373 JUST A PREVIEW OF THE INTENSE DE-STANKIFICATION 171 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,442 THE BIDEN-HARRIS TEAM WILL HAVE TO DO. 172 00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:59,345 MIGHT BE BEST TO JUST REPLACE THE RESOLUTE DESK WITH A GIANT 173 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:02,648 GLADE PLUG-IN. 174 00:08:02,715 --> 00:08:05,785 OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER PRESIDENT, CITING BASELESS CHARGES OF 175 00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:09,288 NON-EXISTENT FRAUD, INSTRUCTED GOVERNMENT LEADERS TO BLOCK 176 00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:13,693 COOPERATION WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN'S TRANSITION TEAM. 177 00:08:13,759 --> 00:08:15,561 HERE'S THE THING-- PEACEFUL TRANSITIONS ARE IMPORTANT. 178 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,898 YOU DON'T SEE ME STARTING THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT GETTING IN A 179 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:20,900 KNIFE FIGHT WITH DAVE LETTERMAN. 180 00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:21,868 I WOULDN'T DARE! 181 00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,336 THE GUY'S GOT THE REACH! 182 00:08:23,402 --> 00:08:26,739 THOSE HOOSIERS ARE SCRAPPY! 183 00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:30,610 IT HAS BEEN FIVE DAYS SINCE IT BECAME CLEAR THAT JOE BIDEN WON 184 00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:34,180 THE ELECTION, AT WHICH POINT, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT REFUSED TO 185 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,616 CONCEDE, DUCT-TAPED HIMSELF TO THE RESOLUTE DESK, AND SLAPPED A 186 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:42,121 SIGN ON THE OVAL OFFICE DOOR THAT SAYS "NO DEMS ALOUD." 187 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,256 WELL, BUCKLE UP, BUDDY BOYS, BECAUSE GETTING THIS GUY OUT 188 00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:46,792 OF OFFICE IS GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE. 189 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,829 YESTERDAY, THE ADMINISTRATION REMOVED SENIOR DEFENSE OFFICIALS 190 00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:51,364 AND INSTALLED LOYALISTS, TRIGGERING ALARM AT THE 191 00:08:51,430 --> 00:08:54,533 PENTAGON. 192 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,535 PRESIDENTS DON'T USUALLY SACK TOP DEFENSE OFFICIALS WHEN 193 00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,537 THEY'RE PLANNING TO LEAVE OFFICE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS. 194 00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:03,342 ONE DEFENSE OFFICIAL PUT IT THIS WAY: 195 00:09:03,409 --> 00:09:04,944 THESE ARE DICTATOR MOVES." 196 00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:09,749 YES, BUT THEY'VE INSPIRED AN EXCITING NEW MAROON 5 REMIX. 197 00:09:09,815 --> 00:09:12,218 GOT THE MOVES LIKE STALIN I'VE GOT THE MOVES LIKE STALIN 198 00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:21,260 I'VE GOT THE MOOOOO-VES LIKE STALIN 199 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:22,662 TODAY, AT AROUND 4:00 EASTERN CRAZY TIME, THE PRESIDENT POSTED 200 00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:24,597 A CONSPIRACY-THEORY-FILLED RANT ON FACEBOOK. 201 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:30,569 >> WE'RE LEADING BY A LOT. 202 00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:35,341 AND THEN, AT 3:42 IN THE MORNING, THERE WAS THIS. 203 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:39,312 IT WAS A MASSIVE DUMP OF VOTES. 204 00:09:39,378 --> 00:09:41,213 >> Stephen: AGAIN WITH THE MASSIVE DUMPS? 205 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,349 BUT, GIVEN HIS CHEESEBURGER AT BEDTIME, 3:42 IN THE MORNING 206 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:46,485 SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT FOR HIM. 207 00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:48,587 SHOWING A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF SELF-AWARENESS, THE PRESIDENT 208 00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:53,659 EVEN KNEW HOW POORLY HIS STUPIDITY WOULD BE RECEIVED. 209 00:09:53,726 --> 00:09:55,227 >> EVEN WHAT I'M SAYING NOW WILL BE DEMEANED AND DISPARAGED. 210 00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,530 BUT, THAT'S OKAY. 211 00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,632 >> Stephen: WELL, AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY... 212 00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:02,868 YOU'RE A PETTY, ANGRY MAN, DESPERATE FOR VALIDATION THAT 213 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,871 YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE, AND HAVE NEVER DESERVED. 214 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,340 AND IN 50 DAYS, YOU'LL BE OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, WITHOUT THE 215 00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:11,310 PROTECTIONS OF EXECUTIVE POWER, AND NO COURT IS GOING TO UPHOLD 216 00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:12,411 YOU PARDONING YOURSELF. 217 00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:15,348 PLUS, YOU'RE UGLY, AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY. 218 00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,784 WE GOT A HOT NEW RECORDING OF A JAW-DROPPING PHONE CALL BETWEEN 219 00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:22,922 THE PRESIDENT AND GEORGIA SECRETARY OF STATE, AND MAN 220 00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:27,393 TAPING A HOSTAGE VIDEO FROM A LAQUINTA INN... 221 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,527 BRAD RAFFENSPERGER. 222 00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:30,596 >> IF WE COULD JUST GO OVER SOME OF THE NUMBERS, I THINK 223 00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:34,633 IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT WE WON. 224 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:38,771 WE WON VERY SUBSTANTIALLY DOWN IN GEORGIA. 225 00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:40,740 YOU EVEN SEE IT BY RALLY SIZE, FRANKLY. 226 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:44,276 WE'D BE GETTING 25,000 TO 30,000 PEOPLE A RALLY. 227 00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:45,544 >> Stephen: OKAY, 25,000, 30,000 PEOPLE. 228 00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:46,078 THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE. 229 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,346 CAN'T DENY THAT. 230 00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:48,581 ONE PROBLEM? 231 00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:51,350 RALLY SIZE DOES NOT DECIDE WHO WINS AN ELECTION. 232 00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:58,391 THAT'S WHY, ON THE 20th OF JANUARY, WE WON'T BE SWEARING IN 233 00:10:58,457 --> 00:10:59,425 PRESIDENT B.T.S. 234 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:06,599 "MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS... 235 00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:18,611 (HEART FINGERS)." 236 00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:20,413 BUT THE MAIN THING ON HIS MIND WAS TOMORROW'S CONGRESSIONAL 237 00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:22,348 CERTIFICATION OF JOE BIDEN'S WIN. 238 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,716 THE PRESIDENT STILL THINKS HE HAS A CHANCE TO SOMEHOW OVERTURN 239 00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:25,684 THAT, PARTLY BECAUSE THE GUY OVERSEEING THE CERTIFICATION 240 00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,286 CEREMONY IS VICE PRESIDENT, AND FEDERALLY PROTECTED 241 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:27,653 FLY-HABITAT... 242 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,021 MIKE PENCE. 243 00:11:29,088 --> 00:11:30,222 AND HE REALLY EXPECTS PENCE TO HAVE HIS BACK ON THIS: 244 00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:31,957 >> I HOPE MIKE PENCE COMES THROUGH FOR US. 245 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,059 I HAVE TO TELL YOU. 246 00:11:33,125 --> 00:11:36,295 (APPLAUSE) I HOPE THAT OUR GREAT VICE 247 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,798 PRESIDENT-- OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT-- 248 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:39,265 COMES THROUGH FOR US. 249 00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:42,301 HE'S A GREAT GUY. 250 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,403 OF COURSE, IF HE DOESN'T COME THROUGH, I WON'T LIKE HIM 251 00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:46,405 QUITE AS MUCH. 252 00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,274 >> Stephen: IF THIS WERE AN AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL, THIS 253 00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:51,043 IS THE PART WHERE WE WOULD TELL MIKE PENCE THAT IF THE 254 00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:53,179 PRESIDENT SAYS HE WON'T LIKE YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE HIM WHAT HE 255 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:55,414 WANTS, THEN HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU! 256 00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:59,752 HE SHOULD LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. 257 00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:00,953 ALTHOUGH, WE UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULDN'T, BECAUSE WHO YOU ARE 258 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,055 IS MIKE PENCE. 259 00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:07,860 THOUSANDS OF MAGA PROTESTERS STORMED THE CAPITOL BUILDING. 260 00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:11,063 IT'S A HORRIFYING DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN U.S. HISTORY... 261 00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:19,038 HOWEVER MUCH LONGER THAT IS. 262 00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,539 NOW, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT KIND OF AMERICANS WOULD TRY 263 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:21,807 TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT, YOU GUESSED IT: 264 00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:23,008 IT'S THIS KIND. 265 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,310 IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES THAT THING ALWAYS SEEM TO SHOW UP AT 266 00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:28,047 ONLY THE WORST EVENTS? 267 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,316 YOU NEVER READ, "THE CONFEDERATE FLAG WAS SEEN TODAY WAVING OVER 268 00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:33,953 FREE YOGA IN THE PARK." 269 00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:36,322 TODAY, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IMPEACHED THE 270 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:37,456 PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. 271 00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:39,058 I FEEL LIKE I JUST TOOK DOWN MY DECORATIONS FROM THE LAST 272 00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:42,294 IMPEACHMENT! 273 00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:44,930 TODAY'S VOTE IS HISTORIC, BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME, 274 00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:48,300 A PRESIDENT HAS BEEN IMPEACHED TWICE. 275 00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:49,101 MAKES SENSE. 276 00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:51,036 THIS PRESIDENT LOVES HAVING SECONDS. 277 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:54,974 (RIM SHOT) ALSO, HE'S A TRAITOR. 278 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,108 IN THE END, THE TAKEAWAY FROM THIS PRESIDENCY IS, 279 00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:59,778 TAKE HIM AWAY. 280 00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:04,016 WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS 281 00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:06,318 DAY FOR FOUR LONG YEARS. 282 00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:07,419 LITERALLY COUNTING. 283 00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:10,756 YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT WHEN WE WERE IN THE THEATER, 284 00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:12,024 THERE WAS A NUMBER IN THE BACK OF THE DOME. 285 00:13:12,091 --> 00:13:13,292 AND THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS TILL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S 286 00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,861 TERM. 287 00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:19,265 AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY NIGHT, FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL 288 00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:23,202 YEARS. 289 00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:32,211 AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE. 290 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:37,950 ("HIT THE ROAD JACK" PLAYING) >> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW 291 00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:40,019 COMING UP, IN NEVER-SEEN-BEFORE FOOTAGE, I GIVE THE "COLBERT 292 00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:42,955 QUESTIONERT" TO ETHAN HAWKE AND ROBERT DE NIRO. 293 00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:45,024 STICK AROUND. 294 00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:27,066 >> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THAT BANGED RIGHT THERE LADIES 295 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:34,106 AND GENTLEMEN, RIGHT THERE, CHECK THEM OUT. 296 00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:38,010 BOOM. 297 00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:39,712 LOUIS, GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS. 298 00:14:39,778 --> 00:14:40,246 >> GOOD TO SIGH, MAN. 299 00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,247 >> I GOT TO TELL YOU. 300 00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,281 >> YEAH. 301 00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:46,118 >> I THINK THIS SHOW IS GOING PRETTY WELL TONIGHT. 302 00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:47,319 I WISH WE WERE HERE. 303 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:50,789 NOAKS FOLKS, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT DOING THIS SHOARKS 304 00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:54,326 YOU GET TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING PEOPLE BUT IT'S HARD 305 00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:58,130 TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE IN JUST TEN TO 12 MINUTES ON NATIONAL TV 306 00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:02,101 WHICH IS WHY WE AT THE LATE SHOW HAVE CREATED SOMETHING CALLED 307 00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:06,505 THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE. 308 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,740 IT IS COMPRISED OF 15 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN AERONAUTICALLY 309 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:09,108 ENGINEERED TO DIVE DEEP INTO A CELEBRITY'S TRUE INNER SELF-- 310 00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:10,843 OR AT THE VERY LEAST, TRICK THEM INTO DIVULGING THEIR PASSWORD 311 00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:14,847 SECURITY QUESTIONS. 312 00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:17,883 AND TONIGHT, WE HAVE TWO VERY SPECIAL "QUESTIONERTS." 313 00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:22,054 LATER ON, WE'LL UNRAVEL THE TRUE IDENTITY OF ETHAN HAWKE-- 314 00:15:22,121 --> 00:15:25,357 IS HE MAN OR IS HE HAWK? 315 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,726 ONLY TIME WILL TELL. 316 00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:31,230 BUT FIRST A VERY SPECIAL "QUESTIONERT" WITH ROBERT DE 317 00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:32,364 NIRO. 318 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,099 DE NIRO TOOK THE "QUESTIONERT" SO SERIOUSLY, HE EVEN CAME 319 00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:38,837 PREPARED WITH NOTES-- WHICH IS TYPICALLY FORBIDDEN, BUT HE'S 320 00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:42,675 ROBERT DE NIRO. 321 00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:50,582 SO, HERE IT IS: MR. BOBBY D., TAKING THE 322 00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:58,791 COLBERT Q. I'M HERE WITH MR. ROBERT DE NIRO. 323 00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:01,293 BOB, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TALKING TO YOU ON THE SHOW SINCE THE 324 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,428 VERY BEGINNING. 325 00:16:02,494 --> 00:16:04,763 ARE YOU ONE OF MY FAVORITE GUESTS, I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING 326 00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:08,100 TO YOU ON THE SHOW, WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO SPEND A COUPLE OF 327 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,669 MINUTES OFF THE SHOW, I HAVE SEEN YOU OUT SOCIALLIED. 328 00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:14,640 AND HERE IS THE THING, EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW EACH OTHER A 329 00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:18,177 LITTLE BIT, THE THING SU DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER IN THESE 330 00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:22,848 SHORT LITTLE BITES AND I REALLY LIKE TO PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF SOUL 331 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:26,752 OF MY GUESTS SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE AT THE LATE SHOW LAB IS THE 332 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:30,622 SCIENTISTS UNTHERE WITH AEROSPACE PRECISION HAVE COME UP 333 00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:33,792 WITH 15 QUESTIONS THAT WHEN ANSWERED REVEAL THE TRUE NATURE 334 00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:34,793 OF A GUEST. 335 00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:37,529 ARE YOU PREPARED, DO YOU HAVE THE COURAGE? 336 00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:40,199 ARE YOU WILLING TO STEP UP AND TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF 337 00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:46,105 TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT? 338 00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:47,639 >> YES I AM. 339 00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:50,609 THANK YOU SIR, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 340 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:56,682 ROBERT DE NIRO WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH. 341 00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:59,585 >> WHATEVER SANDWICH I'M EATING AT THE TIME. 342 00:16:59,651 --> 00:17:02,788 >> Stephen: LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WELL. 343 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:03,589 >> YES. 344 00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:04,723 >> Stephen: LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH. 345 00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:08,260 WHICH, WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD 346 00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:09,762 REALLY THROW OUT. 347 00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:18,137 >> MY COLLECTION OF O.J. SIMPSON MEMORABILIA. 348 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:26,845 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? 349 00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:30,849 >> REPUBLICANS. 350 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:31,517 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). 351 00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:33,619 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? 352 00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:37,990 >> WELL, I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO COMPARE APPLES TO ORANGES. 353 00:17:38,056 --> 00:17:41,827 SO I WILL SAY GRAPES. 354 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,897 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 355 00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:50,836 >> WELL, ONE THING IS IT IS HARDER TO GET A JOB. 356 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:56,408 AND AT LEAST THAT WAS MY EXPERIENCE AFTER I RELEASED THE 357 00:17:56,475 --> 00:18:02,714 ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE. 358 00:18:02,781 --> 00:18:06,852 >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE? 359 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,488 >> 40 SHADES OF GRAY. 360 00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:13,425 >> Stephen: 40 SHAISD OF GRAY. 361 00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:17,796 >> OR BAM BEE. 362 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:21,200 OR SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS. 363 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:28,507 I KNOW THEY'RE NOT WHAT YOU EXPECT BUT I LIKE THEM. 364 00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:31,844 >> Stephen: MAY SCI WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST TEN SHADES 365 00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:34,112 OF GRAY? 366 00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,547 >> I DON'T KNOW, CUZ I DIDN'T SEE THE MOVIE. 367 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,915 >> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T SEE THE MOVIE. 368 00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:40,118 YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE? 369 00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,921 YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE? 370 00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:43,489 >> NO. 371 00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:44,122 >> Stephen: GREAT MOVIE. 372 00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:44,890 >> IS IT, REALLY. 373 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,125 >> Jon: GREAT MOVE-- . 374 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:50,295 >> Stephen: GREAT MOVIE, CARDS ON THE TABLE, HAVE I NEVER SEEN 375 00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:50,829 HEAT. 376 00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:51,563 >> OKAY, THAT'S OKAY. 377 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,065 >> Stephen: IS THAT REALLY OKAY? 378 00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:53,599 >> YEAH. 379 00:18:53,665 --> 00:18:56,201 >> Stephen: I MEAN TO. 380 00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:58,804 I HAVE NEVER SEEN, THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN SHAWSHANK. 381 00:18:58,871 --> 00:18:59,938 >> OKAY. 382 00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:02,608 >> Stephen: WHAT IF I-- WOULD YOU WATCH IT WITH ME IF I 383 00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:03,075 WATCHED IT? 384 00:19:03,141 --> 00:19:06,278 >> DON'T MAKE ME. 385 00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:09,848 >> Stephen: CUZ YOU DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOURSELF ON CAMERA OR YOU 386 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:14,620 DON'T LIKE THE MOVIE, OR YOU DON'T LIKE PA CHINA. 387 00:19:14,686 --> 00:19:18,857 >> NO, I LOVE PACINO IT IS JUST THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE SEEING 388 00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:22,828 THE MOVIE AND THEN YOU ASK ME TO WATCH IT AND IT WILL BE LIKE I 389 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:25,531 GOT TO SIT HERE AND THIS AND THAT. 390 00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:28,100 >> Stephen: YOU COULD LIKE GET UP AND MAKE A SANDWICH OR 391 00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:33,639 SOMETHING AND CHECK IN AND GO HOW DO YOU LIKE IT SO FAR. 392 00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:34,172 >> YES. 393 00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,708 >> Stephen: YEP, OKAY. 394 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:37,876 WINDOW OR AISLE. 395 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:42,814 >> I ACTUALLY PREFER CENTER SEAT BETWEEN TWO BIG GUYS WITH 396 00:19:42,881 --> 00:19:43,782 SCREAMING KIDS. 397 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,984 >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL. 398 00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:46,718 >> GARLIC. 399 00:19:46,785 --> 00:19:48,587 >> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. 400 00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:51,623 >> MY BREATHE AFTER I'VE HAD A LOT OF GARLIC. 401 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:54,660 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU DISCOVERED A LOT ABOUT THAT WITH 402 00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:56,795 A MASK ON. 403 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:57,796 >> OH YEAH. 404 00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:00,032 >> Stephen: YOU WOULD BE HUFFING YOUR OWN GARLIC. 405 00:20:00,098 --> 00:20:02,834 MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. 406 00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:05,304 >>THE TRIBECA FESTIVAL MOBILE APP. 407 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,440 >> Stephen: THERE IS A MOBILE APP FOR THE FESTIVAL. 408 00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:11,009 >> AND IT SHOULD BE THE MOST APP USED ON YOUR PHONE TOO. 409 00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:14,479 >> Stephen: IT UNDOUBTEDLY IS FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD. 410 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:15,881 CATS OR DOGS. 411 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,850 >> I LIKE KALTS AND DOGS. 412 00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:21,286 I'VE HAD THEM BOTH. 413 00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:23,822 THEY'RE ALL GREAT. 414 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:28,093 >> Stephen: ROBERT DE NIRO DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE 415 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:34,099 IN FIVE WORDS. 416 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:42,641 >> I'M COUNTING THE WORDS. 417 00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:49,781 >> Stephen: WELL, WHAT THE [BLEEP] HAPPENED? 418 00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:53,385 >> Stephen: ROBERT DE NIRO, YOU ARE KNOWN, CONGRATULATIONS. 419 00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:55,988 ROBERT DE NIRO, EVERYBODY. 420 00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:58,056 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 421 00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:19,811 RADIO OVER THERE IS ETHAN HAWKE, I ALWAYS LIKE WHEN YOU DOM ON 422 00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:26,952 THE SHOW, ARE YOU BOTH AN ACTOR AND A MOVIE STAR WHO SHARES OF 423 00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:30,389 HIMSELF IN INTIMATE WAYS THAT NOT EVERYBODY IS WILLING TO DO 424 00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,057 WHEN THEY'RE ON PANEL. 425 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:38,196 ARE YOU COMFORTABLE SHARING YOURSELF WITH THE PUBLIC? 426 00:21:38,263 --> 00:21:42,734 >> IT IS EASIER SSES JUST TO BE HONEST? 427 00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:46,705 >> JUST TO TELL THE TRUTH AND LET'S JUST GO WITH IT. 428 00:21:46,772 --> 00:21:50,208 >> Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS I SUSPECT-- RESPECT ABOUT YOU. 429 00:21:50,275 --> 00:21:53,011 FOR AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE DONE THAT, FOR AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE 430 00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:56,615 DONE, THAT WE NEVER TALKED FOR MORE THAN SAY 12 TO 15 MINUTES 431 00:21:56,682 --> 00:22:00,252 AT A POP AND ST HARD FOR ME TO TROWLY PLOM THE DEPTHS OF 432 00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:02,954 ANYONE, EVEN SOMEONE AS GOOD AS MI. 433 00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:04,456 >> ARE YOU SMARTS. 434 00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:09,728 >> Stephen: PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF COMEDY AT ANY LEVEL, PUT MY 435 00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:14,366 DIP STICK IN AND SEE HOW MUCH OIL. 436 00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:16,501 >> I'M GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE. 437 00:22:16,568 --> 00:22:19,504 >> Stephen: THAT IS WHAT I MEAN, SHARING OF YOURSELF, THAT 438 00:22:19,571 --> 00:22:20,672 IS UNCOMFORTABLE. 439 00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:24,176 HERE IS THE THING, YOU CAN SAY NO IF YOU WANT TO WE HERE AT 440 00:22:24,242 --> 00:22:26,945 LATE SHOW LABS HAVE COME UP WITH SOMETHING CALLED THE COLBERT 441 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,046 QUESTIONERT. 442 00:22:28,113 --> 00:22:30,082 ST A SERIES OF QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN CALIBRATED TO 443 00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:35,554 AEROSPACE TOLERANCES TO PENETRATE THE ARMOR AND THE 444 00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:38,090 PROTECTIVE PSYCHIC SHELL THAT PEOPLE KEEP AROUND THEMSELVES SO 445 00:22:38,156 --> 00:22:39,357 THEY WILL NOT BE KNOWN. 446 00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:44,529 IT IS A TRUTH-SEEKING MISSILE THAT FINDS OUT THE TRUE HEART OF 447 00:22:44,596 --> 00:22:45,630 SOMEONE. 448 00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:46,965 ARE YOU WILLING RIGHT NOW IN FRONT OF AMERICA, GOD AND 449 00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:49,401 EVERYTHING TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT? 450 00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:51,136 >> YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK MY MASK. 451 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,305 >> Stephen: LET'S SEE. 452 00:22:53,371 --> 00:22:54,072 >> I'M READY, WILLING AND ABLE. 453 00:22:54,139 --> 00:23:01,379 >> Stephen: BRAVE MAN, BRAVE MAN. 454 00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:04,483 ETHAN HAWKE, THIS IS THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT, HERE WE GO, FIRST 455 00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:05,417 QUESTION. 456 00:23:05,484 --> 00:23:13,358 WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 457 00:23:13,425 --> 00:23:21,066 >> THE BEST-- GRANDMA BETTY MADE A MEAN PB & J. 458 00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:24,736 >> Stephen: KEEP IT SIMPLE. 459 00:23:24,803 --> 00:23:26,905 NOW OKAY. 460 00:23:26,972 --> 00:23:30,108 SO ARE WE TALKING SMOOTHER CRUNCHY. 461 00:23:30,175 --> 00:23:32,744 >> I WANT SMOOTH BUT I USE GOT CRUNCHY. 462 00:23:32,811 --> 00:23:37,382 >> Stephen: GRAD MA WAS RADICAL, WHAT KIND OF JELLY, 463 00:23:37,449 --> 00:23:38,150 GRAPES STRAWBERRY. 464 00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:39,251 >> STRAWBERRY. 465 00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:41,853 MY MOM GAVE ME THE HEALTHY PEANUT BUTTER, THE KIND YOU 466 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:42,888 STIR. 467 00:23:42,954 --> 00:23:46,191 BUT GRAND MA WOULD GET THE GOOD STUFF. 468 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:49,327 >> Stephen: WHAT IS ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY 469 00:23:49,394 --> 00:23:50,562 THROW OUT? 470 00:23:50,629 --> 00:24:01,373 >> ONE THING I OWN THAT I-- 97% OF THE CLOTHES THAT I OWN, 97% 471 00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:03,809 OF THE CLOTHES I OWN I BOUGHT IN 1-9D 92. 472 00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:06,611 LIKE THIS SUIT IS NOT MINE, OKAY. 473 00:24:06,678 --> 00:24:09,114 I LIKE IT AND I WISH IT WERE MINE BUT I JUST KEEP WEARING 474 00:24:09,181 --> 00:24:14,686 CLOTHES FROM THE 90 ITSEE LIKE I'M STUCK IN FOR MALD HIDE,. 475 00:24:14,753 --> 00:24:20,525 >> Stephen: HEUER WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? 476 00:24:20,592 --> 00:24:21,793 >> DO INSIGNATURES COUNT. 477 00:24:21,860 --> 00:24:22,360 >> Stephen: YES. 478 00:24:22,427 --> 00:24:26,898 >> A TICK, I HATE TICKS. 479 00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:33,471 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE FOUND A TICK ON YOURSELF LATELY? 480 00:24:33,538 --> 00:24:35,707 >> I FEEL LIKE THAT WILL MAKE ME UNRAVE IF I ANSWER AND PEOPLE 481 00:24:35,774 --> 00:24:37,242 WON'T LIKE ME. 482 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:38,076 YES. 483 00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:39,778 >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE. 484 00:24:39,845 --> 00:24:43,515 >> YES, I HAVE, I FOUND ONE ON MY STOMACH AND ON MY UNDERARM. 485 00:24:43,582 --> 00:24:47,619 >> Stephen: YES CONDITIONS IT FREAKS ME OUT, I DON'T LIKE 486 00:24:47,686 --> 00:24:48,220 TICKS. 487 00:24:48,286 --> 00:24:48,920 >> Stephen: NO, WHO DOES. 488 00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:49,454 >> BUT I'M OKAY. 489 00:24:49,521 --> 00:24:52,157 I'M GOING TO BE OKAY. 490 00:24:52,224 --> 00:24:54,125 >> Stephen: OKAY. 491 00:24:54,192 --> 00:24:55,427 YOU GOT TO FES. 492 00:24:55,493 --> 00:25:01,132 >> I PUT THE SUCKER IN TAPE, YOU PUT IT ON TAPE SO IF IT STARTS 493 00:25:01,199 --> 00:25:04,436 TO RING UP OR GET WEIRD YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE DOCTOR AND THEY 494 00:25:04,502 --> 00:25:08,807 CAN TELL YOU HOW POISON US OR RANCID IT IS, I HATE TICKS. 495 00:25:08,874 --> 00:25:12,410 >> Stephen: GLAD TO KNOW, THIS IS INFORMATIVE. 496 00:25:12,477 --> 00:25:13,078 >> SEE. 497 00:25:13,144 --> 00:25:15,046 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? 498 00:25:15,113 --> 00:25:16,448 >> APPLES OR ORANGES. 499 00:25:16,514 --> 00:25:19,217 I LIKE APPLE PIE SO GOT TO GO WITH APPLES. 500 00:25:19,284 --> 00:25:20,952 >> Stephen: WELL DONE. 501 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:25,357 HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTO GRAPH. 502 00:25:25,423 --> 00:25:25,790 >> YEAH. 503 00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:30,061 >> Stephen: WHO? 504 00:25:30,128 --> 00:25:32,664 >> I ASKED KRIS KRISTOFFERSON. 505 00:25:32,731 --> 00:25:34,099 >> Stephen: WOW. 506 00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:35,734 AND DID YOU GET IT? 507 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,069 >> I GOT IT. 508 00:25:38,136 --> 00:25:47,112 I HAD, AN OLD LP OF SILVER TONGUE DEVIL AND HE WROTE TO 509 00:25:47,178 --> 00:25:49,381 ETHAN, RESPECT, KRIS. 510 00:25:49,447 --> 00:25:51,683 AND I GOT IT FRAMED ON MY WALL. 511 00:25:51,750 --> 00:25:55,053 >> Stephen: WOW. 512 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:56,221 RHODES SCHOLAR. 513 00:25:56,288 --> 00:25:57,355 >> RHODES SCHOLAR. 514 00:25:57,422 --> 00:26:05,096 >> Stephen: ETHAN HAWKE WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE 515 00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:06,097 DIE? 516 00:26:06,164 --> 00:26:08,733 >> YOU READY? 517 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,002 I DON'T THINK WE DIE. 518 00:26:11,069 --> 00:26:18,343 I DON'T THINK THAT WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING OF THE DIVINE 519 00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:20,278 CONCEPT OF TIME. 520 00:26:20,345 --> 00:26:24,883 I DON'T STHI WE'RE ANY MORE CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING A CLOCK 521 00:26:24,950 --> 00:26:26,017 THAN A DOG. 522 00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:30,088 AND I THINK SOMETHING MUCH BIGGER IS GOING ON THAN WE ARE 523 00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:34,693 AWARE OF IN OUR DAY TO DAY ROUTINE. 524 00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:36,928 I DON'T THINK HAVE I THE INTELLIGENCE OR THE DNA MAKEUP 525 00:26:36,995 --> 00:26:47,305 TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. 526 00:26:47,372 --> 00:26:50,108 >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 527 00:26:50,175 --> 00:26:50,608 >> DIEHARD. 528 00:26:50,675 --> 00:26:53,845 >> Stephen: DIEHARD. 529 00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:57,582 >> Stephen: WHILE I GOT YOU, WHILE I GOT YOU ON THE DIEHARD, 530 00:26:57,649 --> 00:26:59,150 IS DIEHARD A CHRISTMAS MOVIE? 531 00:26:59,217 --> 00:27:01,553 >> YES, SURE, YES, YES, BEST ONE. 532 00:27:01,619 --> 00:27:05,423 >> Stephen: LEGALLY HAVE I TO FOLLOW UP WITH THAT ONE. 533 00:27:05,490 --> 00:27:10,095 >> I MEAN DIEHARD, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SO PERFECT IT IS JUST 534 00:27:10,161 --> 00:27:11,563 A GREAT FILM. 535 00:27:11,629 --> 00:27:13,365 >> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE. 536 00:27:13,431 --> 00:27:17,002 >> I'M A NAPPER SO I NEED TO BE BY THE WINDOW. 537 00:27:17,068 --> 00:27:18,169 >> Stephen: OKAY. 538 00:27:18,236 --> 00:27:21,272 DOES THIS OR YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO GET UP TO GO TO THE 539 00:27:21,339 --> 00:27:22,507 BATHROOM. 540 00:27:22,574 --> 00:27:26,111 >> NO, THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME, LITERALLY SINCE I WAS A KID, ME 541 00:27:26,177 --> 00:27:32,817 PUT ME IN A CAR, I FALL ASLEEP, PUT ME IN THE PLANE, I FALL 542 00:27:32,884 --> 00:27:34,052 ASLEEP. 543 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:38,089 AND IF I AM IN THE AISLE, THEY MY HEAD, THEY KICK MY LEG, SIR, 544 00:27:38,156 --> 00:27:41,459 PUT YOUR LEG BACK N I'M SLEEPING AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND DID I 545 00:27:41,526 --> 00:27:42,093 JUST REVEAL TOO MUCH. 546 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,797 >> Stephen: NO, JUST ENOUGH. 547 00:27:45,864 --> 00:27:49,367 FAVORITE SMELL. 548 00:27:49,434 --> 00:27:51,302 >> MY WIFE. 549 00:27:51,369 --> 00:27:55,373 THAT MAKES IT SOUND CORNY BUT YOU KNOW THAT IS MY FAVORITE 550 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:56,107 SMELL. 551 00:27:56,174 --> 00:28:01,379 >> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. 552 00:28:01,446 --> 00:28:02,580 >> MYSELF. 553 00:28:02,647 --> 00:28:05,083 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT 554 00:28:05,150 --> 00:28:07,652 BACK WITH MORE MR. ETHAN HAWKE, EVERYBODY. 555 00:28:07,719 --> 00:28:08,720 STICK AROUND. 556 00:28:19,964 --> 00:28:21,900 WELCOME BACK. 557 00:28:21,966 --> 00:28:25,170 I'M SITTERRING HERE WITH THE DIRECTOR OF THE LAST MOVIE STARS 558 00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:29,908 MR. ETHAN HAWKE, MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. 559 00:28:29,974 --> 00:28:33,144 >> YOU KNOW, THAT IS A VERY, I UNDERSTAND WHAT ARE YOU GETTING, 560 00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:34,546 GOING FOR HERE. 561 00:28:34,612 --> 00:28:37,916 AND-- . 562 00:28:37,982 --> 00:28:40,685 >> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE IF I UNDERSTAND IT. 563 00:28:40,752 --> 00:28:44,656 >> BECAUSE THE PHONE IS LIKE THIS WEIRD SECRET CLOSET WE GO 564 00:28:44,722 --> 00:28:45,623 TO. 565 00:28:45,690 --> 00:28:47,926 YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN LIKE THAT KIND OF THING. 566 00:28:47,992 --> 00:28:52,797 I MEAN LIKE IT'S THIS, LIKE I'M EMBARRASSED HOW MUCH I TOUCH MY 567 00:28:52,864 --> 00:28:53,965 PHONE. 568 00:28:54,032 --> 00:28:55,233 >> Stephen: HOW MUCH DO YOU TOUCH-- DO YOU GET THAT THING 569 00:28:55,300 --> 00:28:58,303 THAT GIVES YOU REPORT ON SUNDAYS ABOUT HOW MANY HOURS YOU LOOKED 570 00:28:58,369 --> 00:28:59,404 AT YOUR PHONE. 571 00:28:59,471 --> 00:29:00,138 >> DO I. 572 00:29:00,205 --> 00:29:01,406 >> Stephen: GIVE ME AN AVERAGE. 573 00:29:01,473 --> 00:29:04,075 >> I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT I DON'T KNOW LIKE WHY IS IT DOING THIS. 574 00:29:04,142 --> 00:29:06,077 AND WHAT COUNTS. 575 00:29:06,144 --> 00:29:07,212 BECAUSE-- . 576 00:29:07,278 --> 00:29:08,580 >> Stephen: YOU CAN TURN THAT OFF SO YOU DON'T GET TOLD. 577 00:29:08,646 --> 00:29:11,649 >> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT I NEED MY CHILDREN TO HELP ME DO 578 00:29:11,716 --> 00:29:12,784 THAT. 579 00:29:12,851 --> 00:29:14,652 THAT IS HOW YOU KNOW ARE YOU OLD, I SOUNDED SO OLD WHEN I 580 00:29:14,719 --> 00:29:15,487 SAID THAT BUT IT'S TRUE. 581 00:29:15,553 --> 00:29:18,623 AND MY PROBLEM IS WHAT IS IT COUNTING. 582 00:29:18,690 --> 00:29:22,260 BECAUSE THE THING I DO THE MOST OF ON MY PHONE IS I WRITE EMAILS 583 00:29:22,327 --> 00:29:23,094 ON MY PHONE. 584 00:29:23,161 --> 00:29:24,629 THAT IS THE THING I DO. 585 00:29:24,696 --> 00:29:26,097 DOES THAT COUNT AS SCREEN TIME. 586 00:29:26,164 --> 00:29:28,533 >> Stephen: I GUESS SO ARE YOU DOING TIME ON A SCREEN. 587 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:32,971 >> BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T-- MOST USED APP. 588 00:29:33,037 --> 00:29:36,074 >> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY HOURS A DAY YOU LOOK AT 589 00:29:36,141 --> 00:29:38,009 YOUR PHONE. 590 00:29:38,076 --> 00:29:42,280 >> I FEEL LIKE IT SAID I LOOK AT IT 29 HOURS A DAY. 591 00:29:42,347 --> 00:29:43,515 AND-- . 592 00:29:43,581 --> 00:29:46,284 >> Stephen: I ONLY ASK BECAUSE THIS PAST WEEKEND IT SAID THAT I 593 00:29:46,351 --> 00:29:49,654 HAD LOOKED AT MY PHONE ON AVERAGE 9 HOURS AND 13 MINUTES A 594 00:29:49,721 --> 00:29:50,054 DAY. 595 00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:51,189 >> YES. 596 00:29:51,256 --> 00:29:57,729 >> Stephen: AND THAT I WAS 10% DOWN FROM THE WEEK BEFORE. 597 00:29:57,795 --> 00:29:58,997 THAT UPSET ME A LOT. 598 00:29:59,063 --> 00:30:04,302 THAT UPSET ME A LOT IT'S KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW, THEY ASK YOU HOW 599 00:30:04,369 --> 00:30:07,972 MUCH YOU DRINK AND YOU SAY OH, YOU KNOW, TWO DRINKS A DAY, THEY 600 00:30:08,039 --> 00:30:09,107 KNOW YOU HAVE SIX, RIGHT. 601 00:30:09,174 --> 00:30:13,044 LIKE WE LIE TO OURSELVES ABOUT HOW MUCH WE USE OUR PHONE. 602 00:30:13,111 --> 00:30:14,546 WE DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. 603 00:30:14,612 --> 00:30:17,949 I REALLY, I HATE MY PHONE AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A FAVORITE 604 00:30:18,016 --> 00:30:19,717 APP BUT I LOOK AT IT CONSTANTLY. 605 00:30:19,784 --> 00:30:20,618 HAVE I MANY. 606 00:30:20,685 --> 00:30:22,287 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE APP? 607 00:30:22,353 --> 00:30:25,023 >> YOU HAVE TO, THE RULES OF THE. 608 00:30:25,089 --> 00:30:27,759 >> THE GAME, INSTAGRAM, I'M NOT EMBARRASSED. 609 00:30:27,825 --> 00:30:29,027 >> Stephen: YOU LIKE T I DON'T DO INSTAGRAM. 610 00:30:29,093 --> 00:30:30,628 >> YOU DON'T DO IT. 611 00:30:30,695 --> 00:30:33,031 >> Stephen: I MEAN PROFESSIONALLY I DO BUT I. 612 00:30:33,097 --> 00:30:37,468 >> IT IS LIKE BEING PUT IN A COMMA, YOU KNOW, YOU EVER-- . 613 00:30:37,535 --> 00:30:39,370 >> Stephen: THAT'S KIND OF PLEASANT ON A CERTAIN LEVEL. 614 00:30:39,437 --> 00:30:41,039 >> IT IS. 615 00:30:41,105 --> 00:30:49,080 BECAUSE I WILL REALIZE WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING THE LAST 55 616 00:30:49,147 --> 00:30:50,248 MINUTES. 617 00:30:50,315 --> 00:30:55,687 I WAS TALKING-- MY WIFE WAS WE GOT TO PICK THE KIDS UP FROM 618 00:30:55,753 --> 00:30:58,256 CAMP AND TALKING TO ME AND OKAY. 619 00:30:58,323 --> 00:30:59,224 YOU KNOW. 620 00:30:59,290 --> 00:31:04,195 AND I'M ALL OF A SUDDEN I GO GOD, I LOVE BEARS. 621 00:31:04,262 --> 00:31:07,465 SHE'S LIKE, ARE YOU LOOKING AT INSTAGRAM. 622 00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,033 WE'RE TALKING. 623 00:31:09,100 --> 00:31:10,301 SORRY, SORRY. 624 00:31:10,368 --> 00:31:11,569 >> Stephen: CHILDREN. 625 00:31:11,636 --> 00:31:12,270 >> RIGHT. 626 00:31:12,337 --> 00:31:13,705 THIS IS WAY TOO REVEALING, SEE. 627 00:31:13,771 --> 00:31:16,641 I'M LIKING MYSELF LESS AND LESS AS THIS GOES ON. 628 00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:19,077 >> Stephen: IT'S SCIENCE. 629 00:31:19,143 --> 00:31:21,012 CATS OR DOGS. 630 00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:28,486 >> CATS OR DOGS DO YOU KNOW MY NAME. 631 00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:31,923 >> Stephen: ETHAN HAWKE. 632 00:31:31,990 --> 00:31:37,028 >> I'M THE STAR OF-- YOU WOULD IS ME THAT QUESTION, WOULD YOU 633 00:31:37,095 --> 00:31:38,162 HAVE THE AUDACITY. 634 00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:41,132 >> Stephen: BUT MAYBE YOU DON'T LIKE DOGS AND ARE JUST A 635 00:31:41,199 --> 00:31:41,966 REALLY GOOD ACTOR. 636 00:31:42,033 --> 00:31:43,268 >> I LOVE DOGS. 637 00:31:43,334 --> 00:31:45,703 SRS IT'S MY DOG'S BIRTHDAY. 638 00:31:45,770 --> 00:31:46,938 >> REALLY. 639 00:31:47,005 --> 00:31:51,976 >> Stephen: YEAH, YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN FOR THE REST 640 00:31:52,043 --> 00:31:54,612 OF YOUR LIFE WHAT IS IT? 641 00:31:54,679 --> 00:31:56,681 I THINK THIS IS THE HARDEST QUESTION. 642 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,350 >> IT DEFINITELY IS CUZ YOU GO YOU DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR 643 00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:05,189 FAVORITE SONG BY OVERPLAYING IT. 644 00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:06,424 BUT. 645 00:32:06,491 --> 00:32:09,294 >> Stephen: REST OF YOUR LIFE, NOT ALL ETERN TIT, REST OF YOUR 646 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:10,561 LIFE. 647 00:32:10,628 --> 00:32:13,131 >> I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THE SONG I HAVE LISTENED TO PROBABLY MOST 648 00:32:13,197 --> 00:32:16,701 IN MY LIFE WOULD BE THE ONE I WOULD WANT TO CONTINUE TO LISTEN 649 00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:23,141 TO, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I HAVE LISTENED TO WILLIE NELSON'S 650 00:32:23,207 --> 00:32:27,945 BLUE EYES CRYING IN THE RAIN SO OFTEN IN MY LIFE. 651 00:32:28,012 --> 00:32:33,551 AND IF IT HAD TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, I WOULD DIE. 652 00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,688 >> Stephen: ♪ IN THE TWILIGHT I SEE HER. 653 00:32:36,754 --> 00:32:39,957 ♪. 654 00:32:40,024 --> 00:32:44,696 >> HE DOES IT A LITTLE BETTER. 655 00:32:44,762 --> 00:32:48,099 (APPLAUSE). 656 00:32:48,166 --> 00:32:50,835 >> Stephen: I AM AWARE. 657 00:32:50,902 --> 00:32:51,936 >> YEAH. 658 00:32:52,003 --> 00:32:53,538 >> Stephen: I WAS INVITING YOU TO JOIN ME, THAT'S ALL. 659 00:32:53,604 --> 00:32:57,108 >> I KNOW, BUT I WAS DISTRACTED BY YOUR PERFORMANCE, AND-- WHEN 660 00:32:57,175 --> 00:33:01,045 HE DOES IT, AND ALSO THE WAY HE PLAYS THE GUITAR IS VERY 661 00:33:01,112 --> 00:33:02,246 BEAUTIFUL. 662 00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:05,083 AND WHEN HE DOES T IT HAS THIS MYSTICAL QUALITY AND WHEN YOU 663 00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:09,554 DID IT IT KIND OF HURT A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW. 664 00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,923 AND SO I GOT THRONE. 665 00:33:11,989 --> 00:33:13,958 AM I BEING UNFAIR? 666 00:33:14,025 --> 00:33:14,459 >> Stephen: NO. 667 00:33:14,525 --> 00:33:15,626 >> OKAY. 668 00:33:15,693 --> 00:33:18,029 >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT BEING UNFAIR, I'M JUST LEARNING MORE 669 00:33:18,096 --> 00:33:20,698 THAN I WANTED TO. 670 00:33:20,765 --> 00:33:21,566 >> OKAY. 671 00:33:21,632 --> 00:33:24,335 >> Stephen: I LOVE WILLIE, I LOVE WILLIE. 672 00:33:24,402 --> 00:33:25,703 YOU HAVE BEEN ON THE BUS. 673 00:33:25,770 --> 00:33:27,138 >> I HAVE BEEN. 674 00:33:27,205 --> 00:33:33,945 >> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU STAY ON THE BUS? 675 00:33:34,011 --> 00:33:37,348 >> WHAT TIME, BABY. 676 00:33:37,415 --> 00:33:38,516 YOU. 677 00:33:38,583 --> 00:33:41,786 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LIGHT UP JUST SIT ON THE 678 00:33:41,853 --> 00:33:42,920 BUS. 679 00:33:42,987 --> 00:33:44,222 THE THING ABOUT HIM PLAYING GUITAR WHICH I LOVE IS THAT 680 00:33:44,288 --> 00:33:48,726 OFTEN WHEN YOU HEAR WILLIE PLAY THE GUITAR I FEEL LIKE OH, HE 681 00:33:48,793 --> 00:33:49,394 MISSED THE BEATS BUT I DIDN'T. 682 00:33:49,460 --> 00:33:51,796 HE PLAYS IN HIS OWN PHRASING. 683 00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:55,600 HE'S LIKE NOBODY ELSE. 684 00:33:55,666 --> 00:33:57,802 AND THEN HE GETS IT ALL IN IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WAY. 685 00:33:57,869 --> 00:34:02,640 >> I MEAN LIKE DJANGO REINHART, BACK ME UP ON. 686 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:06,277 THIS YOU RECOGNIZE, WHEN YOU HEAR HIS GUITAR, HIS PLAYING, IT 687 00:34:06,344 --> 00:34:08,379 DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE IS PLAYING. 688 00:34:08,446 --> 00:34:12,517 I HAD THE LUXURY ONCE OF WATCHING REHEARSAL OF WILLIE'S 689 00:34:12,583 --> 00:34:15,520 70th BIRTHDAY AND THEY WERE DOING A TRIBUTE CONCERT AND I 690 00:34:15,586 --> 00:34:20,091 GOT TO WATCH PAUL SIMON AND WILLIE NELSON REHEARSE. 691 00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:23,227 PAUL SIMON IS SO FUNNY. 692 00:34:23,294 --> 00:34:27,965 HE'S LIKE YOU'RE LATE, YOU'RE LATE, WILLIE. 693 00:34:28,032 --> 00:34:36,507 YOU'RE LATE-- AND PAUL, I'VE BEEN LATE MY WHOLE LIFE, IT'S 694 00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:42,814 GOING TO FINE. 695 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,617 >> Stephen: MAYBE SOME DAY. 696 00:34:46,684 --> 00:34:53,891 WHAT NUMBER, WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF? 697 00:34:53,958 --> 00:34:54,725 >> I KNOW YOU. 698 00:34:54,792 --> 00:34:55,860 I KNOW WHAT NUMBER ARE YOU THINKING OF. 699 00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:57,962 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT NUMBER. 700 00:34:58,029 --> 00:34:59,363 >> YOU ALREADY CONFESSED WHAT NUMBER ARE YOU THINKING OF. 701 00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:00,665 >> Stephen: REALLY? 702 00:35:00,731 --> 00:35:01,065 >> YES. 703 00:35:01,132 --> 00:35:03,367 >> Stephen: I. 704 00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:04,702 >> I SAID WERE YOU RAISED A CATHOLIC, YOU SAID IT STUCK. 705 00:35:04,769 --> 00:35:08,206 YOU ARE THINKING OF THE HOLY TRINITY, NUMBER THREE. 706 00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:19,083 >> Stephen: THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. 707 00:35:19,150 --> 00:35:22,386 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORD. 708 00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:32,697 >> THE REST OF MY LIFE IN FIVE WORDS? OKAY. 709 00:35:32,763 --> 00:35:39,203 Z BETTER THAN THE FIRST HALF. 710 00:35:39,270 --> 00:35:41,472 >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS. 711 00:35:41,539 --> 00:35:43,808 ARE YOU KNOWN. 712 00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:45,209 ETHAN HAWKE, EVERYBODY. 713 00:35:45,276 --> 00:35:47,278 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 714 00:36:04,962 --> 00:36:06,931 HERE PERFORMING "DOWN" FROM HER GRAMMY-WINNING ALBUM, "DADDY'S 715 00:36:06,998 --> 00:36:11,002 HOME," WITH LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, ST. VINCENT! 716 00:36:25,983 --> 00:36:27,919 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Q1♪ YOU'VE HIT ME ONE TIME 717 00:36:27,985 --> 00:36:31,956 IMAGINE MY SURPRISE ♪ WHEN YOU HIT ME TWO TIMES 718 00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:39,931 YOU GOT YOURSELF A FIGHT ♪ I WAS A PATSY 719 00:36:39,997 --> 00:36:43,935 YOU WERE A CREEP ♪ FROM THE CHEAP SEATS 720 00:36:44,001 --> 00:36:47,204 THINKING THAT MY LITTLE SCRATCH ♪ WAS LIKE YOUR BIG VICTORY 721 00:36:47,271 --> 00:36:50,074 SEE? 722 00:36:50,141 --> 00:37:03,888 ♪ BUT I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN UH-HUH 723 00:37:03,955 --> 00:37:07,892 ♪ TELL ME WHO HURT YOU NO, WAIT, I DON'T CARE TO 724 00:37:07,959 --> 00:37:14,098 ♪ HEAR AN EXCUSE WHY YOU THINK YOU CAN BE CRUEL 725 00:37:14,165 --> 00:37:17,201 CRUEL, CRUEL, CRUEL ♪ MAMA ALWAYS TOLD ME 726 00:37:17,268 --> 00:37:19,904 ♪ "YOU GOT TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK" 727 00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:27,378 BUT EVEN SHE WOULD AGREE ♪ YOU'RE AN EXCEPTION TO THAT 728 00:37:27,445 --> 00:37:31,916 ♪ BECAUSE I'LL TAKE YOU I'LL TAKE YOU 729 00:37:31,983 --> 00:37:33,918 ♪ YEAH, I'LL TAKE YOU GO ON, I'LL TAKE YOU 730 00:37:33,985 --> 00:37:36,621 ♪ DOWN I'LL TAKE YOU 731 00:37:36,687 --> 00:37:43,894 ♪ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN I'LL TAKE YOU 732 00:37:43,961 --> 00:37:55,906 ♪ DOWN I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN 733 00:37:55,973 --> 00:38:00,611 I'LL TAKE YOU ♪ DOWN, DOWN 734 00:38:00,678 --> 00:38:02,680 DOWN, DOWN ♪ ♪ ♪ 735 00:38:13,958 --> 00:38:15,426 ♪ GO GET YOUR OWN [NO AUDIO] GET OFF OF MY [NO AUDIO] 736 00:38:15,493 --> 00:38:20,898 ♪ GO FACE YOUR DEMONS CHECK INTO TREATMENT 737 00:38:20,965 --> 00:38:22,867 ♪ GO FLEE THE COUNTRY GO BLAME YOUR DADDY 738 00:38:22,933 --> 00:38:28,673 ♪ JUST GET FAR AWAY FROM ME 739 00:38:28,739 --> 00:38:43,387 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BECAUSE I'LL TAKE YOU 740 00:38:43,454 --> 00:38:45,923 DOWN ♪ I'LL TAKE YOU 741 00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:50,594 DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪ BECAUSE I'LL TAKE YOU 742 00:38:50,661 --> 00:38:57,935 DOWN ♪ I'LL TAKE YOU 743 00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:00,004 DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪ ♪ ♪ 744 00:39:09,980 --> 00:39:19,223 ♪ GOING TO GO TELL YOUR FRIENDS GO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE DOWN 745 00:39:19,290 --> 00:39:21,926 ♪ RUN TO YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU GOT ANY LEFT, YOU'RE DOWN 746 00:39:21,992 --> 00:39:25,930 ♪ RUN TO YOUR FRIENDS GO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE DOWN 747 00:39:25,996 --> 00:39:29,200 ♪ OH-OH RUN TO YOUR FRIENDS 748 00:39:29,266 --> 00:39:33,971 ♪ IF YOU GOT ANY LEFT YOU'RE DOWN ♪ 749 00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:37,908 ♪ RUN TO YOUR FRIENDS GO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE DOWN 750 00:39:37,975 --> 00:39:41,212 ♪ OH-OH RUN TO YOUR FRIENDS 751 00:39:41,278 --> 00:39:45,916 ♪ IF YOU GOT ANY LEFT YOU'RE DOWN ♪ 752 00:39:45,983 --> 00:39:49,920 ♪ RUN TO YOUR FRIENDS GO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE DOWN 753 00:39:49,987 --> 00:39:53,190 ♪ OH-OH RUN TO YOUR FRIENDS 754 00:39:53,257 --> 00:39:55,259 ♪ IF YOU GOT ANY LEFT YOU'RE DOWN ♪ 755 00:40:16,013 --> 00:40:17,014 >> Stephen: HEY, THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 756 00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:18,349 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE STEVE CARELL. 757 00:40:18,415 --> 00:40:21,952 STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN. 758 00:40:22,019 --> 00:40:23,020 GOOD NIGHT.