1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,938 >> A SENIOR U.S. DEFENSE OFFICIAL TELLS NBC NEWS, MOSCOW 2 00:00:05,004 --> 00:00:08,675 IS ALSO IN THE PROCESS OF BUYING MILLIONS OF ROCKETS AND 3 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:11,911 ARTILLERY SHELLS FROM NORTH KOREA, A MOVE THE WHITE HOUSE 4 00:00:11,978 --> 00:00:13,480 SAYS SHOWS DESPERATION AS RUSSIA'S WEAPONS SUPPLY SHORTAGE 5 00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:15,548 INTENSIFIES. 6 00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:18,017 >> BUYING WEAPONS FROM NORTH KOREA, OF ALL PLACES, IS NOT 7 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:20,954 ACTUALLY THE MOST MODERN WEAPONRY THERE, I DON'T THINK. 8 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ ♪ ♪ 9 00:00:57,223 --> 00:01:03,997 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 10 00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:06,132 TONIGHT: 11 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:12,338 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: STEVE CARELL 12 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:13,006 AND MUSICAL GUEST PHOENIX 13 00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:20,113 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 14 00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:24,984 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 15 00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:28,421 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 16 00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:32,959 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 17 00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:55,048 >> Audience: STEPHEN! 18 00:01:55,114 --> 00:01:55,548 STEPHEN! 19 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:55,849 STEPHEN! 20 00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:56,483 STEPHEN. 21 00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:58,585 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 22 00:01:58,651 --> 00:02:00,820 THERE YOU GO. 23 00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:01,488 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 24 00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:03,556 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 25 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:07,060 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 26 00:02:07,126 --> 00:02:08,962 NO, NO, PLEASE. 27 00:02:09,028 --> 00:02:10,230 HAVE A SEAT. 28 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:12,966 THANK YOU VERY MUCH WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 29 00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:14,133 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 30 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,970 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME 31 00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:22,208 TONIGHT. 32 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,843 LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE URGENT BREAKING NEWS EVERYONE'S TALKING 33 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,012 ABOUT TODAY: QUEEN ELIZABETH DIED SIX DAYS AGO. 34 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,447 SHE MEANT A LOT TO A LOT OF PEOPLE, AND MUCH OF THE WORLD IS 35 00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,015 STILL GRIEVING. 36 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:31,651 TODAY, THE QUEEN'S CASKET ARRIVED AT WESTMINSTER WHERE SHE 37 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,586 WILL LIE IN STATE UNTIL NEXT MONDAY, AND PEOPLE ARE ALREADY 38 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:38,925 LINING UP FOR KILOMETERS TO GIVE THEIR RESPECTS. 39 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,960 THAT'S WHY IT'S ALWAYS WORTH IT TO SPRING FOR THE "FAST PASS." 40 00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:42,729 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 41 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:47,567 TRUST ME-- YOU CAN HIT UP SPACE MOUNTAIN-- YOU HIT UP SPACE 42 00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:52,405 MOUNTAIN WHILE YOU WAIT TO PAY YOUR TRIBUTE. 43 00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:55,341 ELIZABETH II WAS THE LONGEST REIGNING MONARCH IN BRITISH 44 00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,010 HISTORY, PROVIDING COMFORT TO BRITONS FOR OVER 70 YEARS. 45 00:02:57,076 --> 00:03:00,980 SHE HELPED THE COUNTRY WEATHER SEVERAL FINANCIAL CRISES, 46 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:03,550 JOINING AND LEAVING THE EUROPEAN UNION, AND OF COURSE, 47 00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:06,486 ED SHEERAN'S REIGN OF TERROR. 48 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:12,625 HAUGH( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 49 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:15,194 HIS FOLKSY REIGN OF TERROR. 50 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:16,262 MUCH OF THE U.K. IS IN MOURNING. 51 00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:19,399 AND STATESIDE, WE'RE HANDLING THINGS IN OUR OWN WAY: 52 00:03:19,465 --> 00:03:24,904 >> WE WILL HAVE COMPLETE COVERAGE ALL MORNING LONG ON THE 53 00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:26,606 "TODAY SHOW," AND WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU THEN. 54 00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:27,807 BUT, MARIA, TONIGHT IT'S ALL ABOUT THE N.F.L. KICKOFF ON OUR 55 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:28,241 PLAZA. 56 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:32,745 CHECK THIS OUT! 57 00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:35,315 >> Stephen: VROOM! 58 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:36,983 >> Louis: RIGHT, RIGHT? 59 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:44,757 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MIGHT SEEM LIKE A 60 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:46,526 JARRING TRANSITION, BUT THE N.F.L. IS A LOT LIKE THE 61 00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:48,995 MONARCHY: THEY BOTH TAKE FOREVER, THEY BOTH HAVE A LOT OF 62 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,531 WEIRD RULES, AND THERE'S A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF TACKY 63 00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:52,198 JEWELRY. 64 00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:53,900 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 65 00:03:53,967 --> 00:04:00,773 NOW-- WHEN-- WHEN A MONARCH DIES, THERE'S A 66 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,008 TON OF OFFICIAL PROTOCOL. 67 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:08,548 SOME OF IT'S PRETTY WEIRD, LIKE HOW THE ROYAL BEEKEEPER HAD TO 68 00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:12,952 INFORM THE QUEEN'S BEES THAT THE QUEEN HAD DIED. 69 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:15,755 ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, IS BRITAIN REAL? 70 00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:19,092 ( LAUGHTER ) OR IS IT JUST LIKE A WET NARNIA 71 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:20,660 WITH KNIFE CRIME? 72 00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:23,596 ( AS ENGLISH ) "THE BEEKEEPER MUST INFORM THE 73 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:27,533 BEES, LORD WIGGIBOTTOM SHALL SEND A RAVEN TO THE LOCH NESS 74 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,904 MONSTER, AND I SHALL EMAIL DUMBLEDORE!" 75 00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:35,775 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 76 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:39,545 SLIP INTO VOLDEMORT'S DMs. 77 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:44,951 PLUS, NOW THAT BRITAIN IS RULED BY KING CHARLES III, THEY'LL 78 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:48,821 HAVE TO REPLACE HER FACE ON THEIR STAMPS AND ON THEIR CASH. 79 00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:51,557 SO, FOR OUR U.K. VIEWERS, SORRY TO SAY, ALL OF YOUR MONEY WITH 80 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:54,761 QUEEN ELIZABETH'S FACE ON IT IS NOW WORTHLESS. 81 00:04:54,827 --> 00:04:56,629 OKAY, IT'S GONE. 82 00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:57,864 BUT I GOT YOUR BACK. 83 00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:00,133 JUST SEND ME TWO OF YOUR OLD, WORTHLESS LIZZIE BILLS, AND I'LL 84 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:02,769 SEND YOU BACK A SHINY CHUCK BUCK. 85 00:05:02,835 --> 00:05:04,971 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 86 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:08,975 THERE YOU GO. 87 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,176 NEW. 88 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:14,781 NOTHING LIKE A NEW BILL. 89 00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:16,549 CONSUMER BRANDS WILL ALSO HAVE TO UPDATE THEIR LABELS. 90 00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:20,953 DURING HER REIGN, QUEEN ELIZABETH GAVE MANY PRODUCTS A 91 00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:23,723 "WARRANT" TO DISPLAY THE ROYAL COAT OF ARMS, AS AN ENDORSEMENT 92 00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:24,691 OF QUALITY. 93 00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:27,126 FOR INSTANCE, HEINZ KETCHUP AND GORDON'S GIN. 94 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:32,932 BUT NOW, AFTER HER PASSING, THEY MAY HAVE TO REAPPLY. 95 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:36,903 SAME THING HAPPENS HERE IN AMERICA. 96 00:05:36,969 --> 00:05:38,738 THAT'S WHY EVERY FOUR TO EIGHT YEARS, WE GET ALL NEW PRODUCTS 97 00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:39,605 FROM "PRESIDENT'S CHOICE." 98 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,641 THE NEW KING AND QUEEN AR ( APPLAUSE ) 99 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,343 PRESIDENT'S CHOICE. 100 00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:46,446 OFF-BRAND SELTZER. 101 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:49,015 OFF-BRAND SELTZER. 102 00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:51,384 THE NEW KING AND QUEEN ARE ALREADY HARD AT WORK, SITTING ON 103 00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:53,753 WHAT I BELIEVE ARE THE OFFICIAL THRONES OF GREAT BRITAIN. 104 00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,289 EITHER THAT, OR THEY'RE THE NEW JUDGES ON "THE VOICE." 105 00:05:56,355 --> 00:06:00,960 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 106 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,563 JACKSON! 107 00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:06,199 "JACKSON, I THOUGHT YOU DID A WONDERFUL JOB SINGING NIKI 108 00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:08,968 MINAJ'S 'SUPER FREAKY GIRL.' WE ARE AMUSED. 109 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,771 HE'S MINE, BLAKE SHELTON! 110 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:12,271 YOU CAN SUCK IT! 111 00:06:12,338 --> 00:06:12,972 FOOTMEN? 112 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:17,376 SWIVEL ME!" ( LAUGHTER ) 113 00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:20,980 ( APPLAUSE ) "TOO FAR! 114 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:26,619 TOO FAR!" ( APPLAUSE ) 115 00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,821 OF COURSE, CHUCKIE DON'T KING FOR FREE. 116 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:32,024 HE'S IMMEDIATELY TAKING OVER HIS LATE MOTHER'S FINANCIAL 117 00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:34,894 PORTFOLIO, WHICH IS WORTH BILLIONS. 118 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:36,963 AND WHILE BRITISH CITIZENS NORMALLY PAY AROUND 40% 119 00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:42,902 INHERITANCE TAX, KING CHARLES GETS HIS INHERITANCE TAX FREE. 120 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,172 HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ( BOOING ) 121 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:46,839 EXACTLY! 122 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,975 IMAGINE HOW THE ENGLISH FEEL! 123 00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:51,544 HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE PUBLIC SERVANT, AND HE DOESN'T 124 00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:54,313 PAY TAXES? 125 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,616 THAT IS GONNA COST HIM SOME VOTES. 126 00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:57,049 WHAT? 127 00:06:57,116 --> 00:06:58,718 YOU'RE KIDDING. 128 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:00,953 THAT'S INSANE! 129 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,556 ( APPLAUSE ) CHARLES IS STILL LEARNING THE 130 00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:04,957 ROYAL ROPES. 131 00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:08,861 YESTERDAY, HE WENT VIRAL WHEN HE HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE SIGNING A 132 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,329 GUEST BOOK AT A CEREMONY IN NORTHERN IRELAND. 133 00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:16,569 >> I JUST HAVE TO PUT-- IS IT SEPTEMBER THE 12th? 134 00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:17,436 >> 13th, SIR. 135 00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:19,505 >> OH, GOD, I'VE PUT THE WRONG DATE DOWN. 136 00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:20,039 13th? 137 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:20,840 OH, GOD, I HATE THIS. 138 00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:24,977 >> OH, LOOK, IT'S GOING EVERYWHERE. 139 00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,513 HANG ON. 140 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:32,952 >> I CAN'T BEAR THIS BLOODY THING, WHAT THEY DO EVERY 141 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,054 STINKING TIME. 142 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,591 >> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK IT MIGHT BE TIME TO-- 143 00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:40,493 ( APPLAUSE ) MIGHT BE TIME TO UPDATE THE OLD 144 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,463 BRITISH SAYING: "KEEP CALM AND OH, GOD, I CAN'T 145 00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:52,972 BEAR THIS BLOODY THING!" ( APPLAUSE ) 146 00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:59,045 ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK TO THE NEW KING. 147 00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:03,216 THERE'S GOOD NEWS FROM UKRAINE, IT'S STILL UKRAINE. 148 00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:08,955 BECAUSE OVER THE LAST WEEK, THEIR ARMED FORCES RECLAIMED 149 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:12,825 CRUCIAL AREAS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 150 00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:15,561 THEIR ARMED FORCES RECLAIMED CRUCIAL AREAS IN A FIERCE 151 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:20,833 COUNTERATTACK THAT COULD SIGNAL A TURNING POINT IN THE WAR. 152 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,068 IT IS SUCH A DISASTER FOR THE RUSSIANS, PUTIN HAS LOWERED HIS 153 00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:28,975 NIPPLES TO HALF-MAST. 154 00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:33,546 ( APPLAUSE ) ACCORDING TO PRESIDENT 155 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:37,316 ZELENSKYY, UKRAINE HAS RETAKEN AROUND 2,400 SQUARE MILES OF 156 00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:44,223 TERRITORY THIS MONTH, ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF DELAWARE. 157 00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:45,558 AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A POINTLESS WAR WHEN WHAT YOU'RE 158 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:48,694 FIGHTING OVER CAN BE COMPARED TO DELAWARE. 159 00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:49,629 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 160 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,797 ONE REASON-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 161 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:56,269 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 162 00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:58,671 ONE REASON UKRAINE GOT BACK SO MUCH TERRITORY IS THAT RUSSIAN 163 00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:01,774 TROOPS "FLED LIKE OLYMPIC SPRINTERS." 164 00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:03,542 AND SINCE THEY'RE RUSSIAN, YOU KNOW THEY WERE JACKED ON 165 00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:04,977 STEROIDS. 166 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,846 PEW! 167 00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:12,885 PEW! 168 00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:13,886 ( APPLAUSE ) AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS RUSSIAN 169 00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,855 TANK FLEEING FROM BATTLE. 170 00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:16,756 HERE'S THE TANK RUNNING AWAY. 171 00:09:16,822 --> 00:09:23,996 THERE'S SOME RUSSIAN SOLDIERS JUMPING OFF. 172 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:24,830 AND FINALLY WHAMO! 173 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,066 RIGHT INTO THE TREE. 174 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:33,806 THAT TANK IS GONNA NEED A TOW. 175 00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:39,345 I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL TRIPLE AAAHHHHHHHHHH! 176 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,280 I'M SURE EVERYBODY'S FINE. 177 00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:43,716 IN FACT, LAST WEEK, ZELENSKYY'S FORCES LAUNCHED A 178 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,785 COUNTEROFFENSIVE SO SUCCESSFUL THAT SOME ARE SAYING IT 179 00:09:45,851 --> 00:09:48,454 SHATTERS RUSSIA'S REPUTATION AS A MILITARY SUPERPOWER. 180 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:52,291 BUT DON'T YOU WORRY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 181 00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:52,525 WOW. 182 00:09:52,591 --> 00:09:57,096 WOW. 183 00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,097 BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, RUSSIA. 184 00:09:58,164 --> 00:09:59,131 YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR REPUTATION AS AN ENDLESS 185 00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:01,801 WASTELAND LITTERED WITH CLINICALLY-DEPRESSED ROOT 186 00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:04,437 VEGETABLES. 187 00:10:04,503 --> 00:10:07,907 MILITARY EXPERTS SAY RUSSIAN TROOPS SUFFER FROM LOW MORALE-- 188 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:13,813 OR, AS THE KREMLIN CALLS IT, "SPECIAL MILITARY SADNESS." 189 00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:16,415 THERE ARE ALSO SOME SETBACKS FOR PUTIN'S ALLIES, INCLUDING FORMER 190 00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:17,383 U.S. PRESIDENT CHUNK NORRIS. 191 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:21,754 THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT'S INVESTIGATION INTO THE 192 00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:25,624 EX-PRESIDENT'S PLOT TO USE FAKE ELECTORS HAS KICKED UP A NOTCH. 193 00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:31,630 LAST WEEK, OVER 30 ASSOCIATES OF THE EX-PRESIDENT WERE SUBPOENAED 194 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,799 BY A GRAND JURY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 195 00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:43,509 INCLUDE-- ( BOOING ) 196 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:48,180 INCLUDING FORMER SENIOR ADVISER AND GROGGY, EARLY-MORNING PENIS, 197 00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:51,350 STEPHEN MILLER. 198 00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:56,255 MILLER, AMONG OTHERS, WAS ORDERED TO PROVIDE 199 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:57,790 ANY COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THEMSELVES AND RUDY GIULIANI. 200 00:10:57,857 --> 00:10:59,892 THEY EVEN SUBPOENAED RUDY'S OUTGOING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE. 201 00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:01,093 >> YOU'VE REACHED RUDY GIULIANI. 202 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,796 I CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I AM PASSED OUT 203 00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,064 UNDER A PILE OF COATS. 204 00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:08,801 IF YOU'RE RETURNING A BUTT DIAL, PLEASE MY CALL MY ASS DIRECTLY. 205 00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:09,802 BEEP! 206 00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:14,974 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I LIKE THAT HE 207 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:21,947 SAYS HIS OWN BEEP "BEEP!" PERHAPS THE JUICIEST SUBPOENA IS 208 00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:23,749 THE ONE DELIVERED TO "MYPILLOW" C.E.O. AND MENTALIST 209 00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:29,955 TRYING TO READ HIS OWN MIND, MIKE LINDELL. 210 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:34,326 YESTERDAY, LINDELL SAID THIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA: 211 00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:36,195 >> TODAY THE F.B.I.-- YOU'RE GONNA HEAR THIS, YOU'RE PROBABLY 212 00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:39,932 ALREADY HEARING IT IN THE NEWS-- THE F.B.I. CAME AFTER ME AND 213 00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:43,936 TOOK MY PHONE. 214 00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:45,237 THEY SURROUNDED ME AT A HARDEES. 215 00:11:45,304 --> 00:11:45,938 >> Stephen: YES. 216 00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:47,940 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 217 00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:51,477 THEY SURROUNDED HIM AT A HARDIES. 218 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:56,015 IN FACT-- THIS IS TRUE-- HE WAS IN THE DRIVE-THROUGH. 219 00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:59,452 ( AS EMPLOYEE OVER SPEAKER ) "CHHHHHZT. 220 00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:00,252 WELCOME TO HARDEE'S. 221 00:12:00,319 --> 00:12:01,454 YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. 222 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,655 ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT 223 00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:03,823 OF LAW. 224 00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:04,890 BUT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY, AND YOU CAN PICK HIM 225 00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:06,659 UP AT THE WINDOW. 226 00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:07,927 PLEASE PULL AROUND." 227 00:12:07,993 --> 00:12:15,935 ( APPLAUSE ) LATER ON, LINDELL SOMEHOW GOT 228 00:12:16,001 --> 00:12:19,939 BOOKED ON LINDELL TV TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ONE F.B.I. AGENT IN 229 00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:21,140 PARTICULAR. 230 00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:22,942 >> THEN HE GOES, "WELL, I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS." 231 00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:25,878 AND I GO, "OKAY, HERE IT COMES, RIGHT?" 232 00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,379 HE GOES, "WE'RE TAKING YOUR CELL PHONE. 233 00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:31,917 WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR CELL PHONE." 234 00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:36,689 I GO, "NO." 235 00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:37,923 I SAID "MY WHOLE COMPANY, I RUN FIVE COMPANIES 236 00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:38,924 OFF THAT." 237 00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:39,925 >> Stephen: HE RUNS EVERYTHING OFF HIS CELLPHONE? 238 00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:44,163 IS HE SELLING PILLOWS OR METH ( LAUGHTER ) 239 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:49,468 LISTENING TO HIM TALK, IT'S HARD TO TELL. 240 00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:50,636 IN EVERY APPEARANCE, LINDELL EMPHASIZED THAT HE REALLY EEDS 241 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:54,540 HIS PHONE: >> IT'S DISGUSTING. 242 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:55,641 I DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER. 243 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:59,845 EVERYTHING I DO OFF THAT PHONE EVERYTHING WAS ON THERE. 244 00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:03,749 >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A GREAT DEFENSE, MIKE. 245 00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:04,717 "OFFICER, YOU CAN'T TAKE MY CAR! 246 00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:07,920 HOW WILL I GET ALL THESE BODIES TO THE RIVER?" 247 00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:11,090 THERE'S ALSO A CHANCE THAT THEY-- 248 00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:13,526 ( APPLAUSE ) "BODIES TO THE RIVER." 249 00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:15,995 A LITTLE UPSETTING. 250 00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:19,098 THERE'S ALSO A CHANCE THE FASCIST-CURIOUS FOLKS IN 251 00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:22,902 CONGRESS COULD BE SWEPT INTO THIS, BECAUSE THE D.O.J. IS ALSO 252 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,671 SEEKING INFORMATION ABOUT ANY MEMBERS OF THE LEGISLATIVE 253 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,773 BRANCH WHO MAY HAVE TRIED TO "OBSTRUCT, INFLUENCE, IMPEDE OR 254 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:31,710 DELAY" THE CERTIFICATION OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. 255 00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:33,846 IS THIS TRUE? 256 00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:35,114 I'M TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF JOSH HAWLEY'S REACTION WHEN HE HEARD 257 00:13:35,181 --> 00:13:42,388 THE NEWS: RUN, JOSH, RUN! 258 00:13:42,454 --> 00:13:43,722 >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, 259 00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:47,092 MY GUEST IS STEVE CARELL. 260 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:49,728 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I STAR IN A BRAND-NEW DRAMATIC PLAY WITH A 261 00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:50,829 SPECIAL GUEST. 262 00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:51,897 STICK AROUND. 263 00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:39,245 >> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY. 264 00:14:39,311 --> 00:14:44,750 LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, RIGHT THERE. 265 00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:49,288 ( APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT, LOUIS, TONIGHT, THIS IS 266 00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:50,456 ALWAYS FUN. 267 00:14:50,522 --> 00:14:53,058 I'M GRATEFUL TO ALL THE GUESTS WHO COME ON, AND OFTENTIMES 268 00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:54,193 THEY'RE FRIENDS. 269 00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,363 A FEW PEOPLE ARE AS GOOD OR AS OLD A FRIEND ADD TONIGHT'S 270 00:14:57,429 --> 00:14:59,898 GUEST, STEVE CARELL IS HERE THIS EVENING. 271 00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:04,370 ( APPLAUSE ) #-R AMAZINGLY TALENTED. 272 00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:05,571 AMAZINGLY TALENTED. 273 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:08,741 YOU KNOW, THIS IS A CRIME THAT NEATS TO BE ADDRESSED AT SOME 274 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,109 POINT IN AMERICAN HISTORY. 275 00:15:10,175 --> 00:15:13,579 STEVE CARELL, FOR HIS WORK IN "THE OFFICE," NEVER RECEIVED AN 276 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:14,179 EMMY AWARD. 277 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:15,981 >> Louis: OH, WOW, REALLY? 278 00:15:16,048 --> 00:15:17,082 THE WHOLE RUN. 279 00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:21,987 >> Stephen: MAKES IT SEEM LIKE EMMY AWARDS AREN'T THAT 280 00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:23,489 IMPORTANT, DOESN'T IT? 281 00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:25,724 >> Louis: NOT SAYING, JUST SAYING. 282 00:15:25,791 --> 00:15:28,260 >> Stephen: WIN OR LOSE IT'S A REALLY GREAT JOB. 283 00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:31,363 AND ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT THIS JOB IS THAT I GET TO MEET 284 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,867 SO MANY TALENTED AND ACCOMPLISHED ACTORS, LEGENDS OF 285 00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:36,068 STAGE AND SCREEN. 286 00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:38,904 AND AS EXCITING AS IT IS TO INTERVIEW THEM RIGHT OVER HERE, 287 00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:44,910 I ALWAYS WISH I COULD ACT WITH THEM. 288 00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:47,146 OF COURSE, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME IN THIS SHOW TO STAGE AN 289 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:48,380 ENTIRE DRAMATIC PRODUCTION. 290 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:49,982 BUT IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT THERE IS ENOUGH TIME TO PERFORM ONE 291 00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:52,451 SCENE FROM A BRAND-NEW, THEATRICAL DRAMA IF WE AWKWARDLY 292 00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:56,655 CRAM ALL OF THE BACK-STORY INTO THE DIALOGUE. 293 00:15:56,722 --> 00:15:57,623 SO WE'RE GONNA DO JUST THAT. 294 00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,759 RIGHT NOW. 295 00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:05,998 THIS IS "THE LATE SHOW'S TOO MUCH EXPOSITION THEATRE." 296 00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:14,006 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 297 00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:16,909 ( CHEERING ) 298 00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:19,111 >> Stephen: REGARD ME! 299 00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:21,113 ANGELO BE MY NAME, AND YET TODAY, I AM THE VERY PICTURE 300 00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,916 OF WOE. 301 00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:25,918 FOR MY LOVE, THE LADY ISABELLA HATH CEASED HER LIFE-BREATHINGS 302 00:16:25,984 --> 00:16:30,022 BY SUPPING UPON A FEAST OF POSION. 303 00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:31,924 SHE, MISTAKENLY THINKING I WAS DEAD, CHOSE TO MAKE HERSELF 304 00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,460 ACTUALLY DEAD. 305 00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:39,231 AND I, WISHING TO JOIN HER IN SAID DEATH, ALSO DRANK OF 306 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,767 THE POISON, ONLY TO FIND IT WAS INSTEAD A VERY RARE AND 307 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:42,735 DELICIOUS BOTTLE OF CHIANTI. 308 00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:45,237 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW I HAVE NOT ONLY LOST MY LOVE 309 00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:51,910 BUT GAINED A TASTE FOR EXPENSIVE WINE. 310 00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:55,981 WHY, WHY DOES GOD CURSE ME SO! 311 00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:59,318 HARK... SOMEONE KNOCKING AT THE DOOR OF MY ESTATE HERE IN 312 00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:00,586 VENICE, ITALY, WHERE I RESIDE WITH MY MAN-SERVANT RODRIGO WHO 313 00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:05,791 IS AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND! 314 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:06,291 SO I MUST RESPOND TO THE KNOCKING. 315 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:07,960 WHO THUMPS MY DOOR? 316 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:23,976 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> 'TIS I, BENVOLION. 317 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,581 HE WHO HAS SWORN HATRED FOR THEE SINCE THE VERY CRADLE DUE TO OUR 318 00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:34,920 FATHERS BEING RIVAL VENETIAN GONDOLIERS WHO CONTINUED TO 319 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:39,925 ONE-UP EACH OTHER BY BUILDING LONGER AND LONGER OARS UNTIL THE 320 00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,727 ABSURD LENGTHS DROVE THEM BOTH MAD. 321 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:44,363 >> Stephen: BENVOLION! 322 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:47,900 >> THE VERY SAME! 323 00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:50,135 HE WHO HAS SWORN HATRED FOR THE SINCE THE VERY CRADLE DUE 324 00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:53,439 TO OUR FATHERS BEING RIVAL-- >> Stephen: YOU JUST SAID THAT. 325 00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:56,375 YOU SAID THAT WHOLE PART BEFORE. 326 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,776 YES, YES! 327 00:17:57,843 --> 00:18:00,913 BUT HERE ARE SOME WORDS NOT YET SPOKEN! 328 00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:05,717 IT WAS I WHO TOLD THE LADY ISABELLA THAT YOU WERE IN 329 00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:08,387 DEATH'S COLD EMBRACE. 330 00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:12,124 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BUT WHY THIS DECEIT? 331 00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:14,393 >> FOR THOU ALWAYS STOOD BETWIXT US. 332 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:17,729 >> Stephen: BETWIXT WHOM? 333 00:18:17,796 --> 00:18:21,733 CLARIFY YOURSELF! 334 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,870 ( LAUGHTER ) >> BETWIXT ME AND THE LADY 335 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:25,737 ISABELLA! 336 00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:26,371 BETWIXT MEANS BETWEEN! 337 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:30,175 >> Stephen: I KNOW THAT! 338 00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:33,879 >> FOR, YOU SEE, I LOVED HER, TOO! 339 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:37,983 >> Stephen: SO YOU WHISPERED IN HER EAR THAT I HAD ENTERED 340 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:40,752 DEATH'S HOUSE SO THAT SHE WOULD ALSO RENT A ROOM THERE? 341 00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:43,388 >> YES! 342 00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,724 BUT ONLY AFTER MY FIRST PLAN FAILED. 343 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,059 >> Stephen: WHAT? 344 00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:50,362 SHED LIGHT ON YOUR MOUTH SOUNDS BY MAKING FURTHER WORDS TO BE 345 00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:56,368 RECEIVED IN THE PORCHES OF MY EARS! 346 00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:57,769 COME, LET MY LOBES FEAST. 347 00:18:57,836 --> 00:19:06,879 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 348 00:19:06,945 --> 00:19:10,649 >> TWO SUMMERS IN THE PAST, AS WE NOW SPEAK, I SOUGHT TO 349 00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:12,885 UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD CHARM A LADY SUCH AS ISABELLA. 350 00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:17,756 ONLY BY WITNESSING YOUR COURTSHIP FIRSTHAND AND FROM HER 351 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:23,228 PERSPECTIVE COULD I LEARN THE SORCERY OF YOUR SEDUCTION. 352 00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,563 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 353 00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:28,567 I ARRANGED FOR THE LADY ISABELLA TO BE SHIPPED AWAY TO SARDINIA, 354 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:32,571 BUT NOT BEFORE I STUDIED HER MANNERISMS AND GAINED ACCESS TO 355 00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:37,109 HER WARDROBE SO THAT I COULD BECOME HER AND SEE YOU THROUGH 356 00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:40,312 HER EYES. 357 00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:44,550 I SPENT AN ENTIRE SUMMER IN YOUR EMBRACE AND NO IDEA HAD YOU. 358 00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:49,121 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TWO-- DID YOU SAY 359 00:19:49,187 --> 00:19:51,623 TWO SUMMERS PAST? 360 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:54,293 TWAS THE SUMMER I VOWED TO UNCOVER THY FAMILY'S SECRETS BY 361 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,628 GOING IN DISGUISE AS A CHAMBERMAID AND PLACING MYSELF 362 00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:00,566 IN THE SERVICE OF YOUR UNCLE SO THAT I COULD TRANSCRIBE THE 363 00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:04,570 WORDS HE SPOKE IN HIS SLEEP! 364 00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:16,548 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 365 00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:24,189 ( CHEERING ) >> BUT IF YOU WERE A 366 00:20:24,256 --> 00:20:25,324 CHAMBERMAID, THEN WHO WAS YOU? 367 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:28,560 >> Stephen: I DRESSED A DONKEY IN MY IMAGE AND SENT IT TO 368 00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:32,564 COURT IN MY STEAD. 369 00:20:32,631 --> 00:20:39,938 >> THEN YOU HAVE MADE AN ASS OF ME BY MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF. 370 00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:44,576 >> Stephen: BUT YOU SHALL NOT BE ASS'ED LONG, FOR I SHALL SEND 371 00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:48,547 YOUR ASS ACROSS THE RIVER STYX, WHERE YOU'LL BE GREETED BY DEATH 372 00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:58,991 HIMSELF, AND HE'LL RECOGNIZE YOU BECAUSE YOU'LL BE THE DEAD GUY! 373 00:20:59,057 --> 00:21:11,937 >> NNNNNN-NNNNNAY! 374 00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:17,542 IT IS DEATH WHO SHALL BE YOUR BRIDE AT THE CHAPEL OF DEATH 375 00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:21,613 WITH DEATH AS THE ONLY WITNESS. 376 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:22,981 DEATH. 377 00:21:23,048 --> 00:21:25,617 DEATH. 378 00:21:25,684 --> 00:21:31,056 AHHH! 379 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:32,290 AHHH! 380 00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:33,592 UNH! 381 00:21:33,659 --> 00:21:37,629 AHHH! 382 00:21:37,696 --> 00:21:41,600 OOOH! 383 00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:45,637 ( GROANING ) I AM FEAST FOR WORMS! 384 00:21:45,704 --> 00:21:49,775 >> Stephen: TI'S TRUE, BUT IT WAS YOU OR ME, SINCE SURELY YOU 385 00:21:49,841 --> 00:21:56,281 CAME HERE TO TAKE MY LIFE AND TRANSFORM IT BUT TO A DEATH. 386 00:21:56,348 --> 00:21:59,384 >> WHAT? 387 00:21:59,451 --> 00:22:08,293 OH, NO ACTUALLY, I JUST WANTED TO COME BY AND RETURN THIS ROLL 388 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,628 OF SCOTTISH TAPE. 389 00:22:09,695 --> 00:22:13,632 >> Stephen: THE SCOTTISH TAPE? 390 00:22:13,699 --> 00:22:19,104 >> THE SCOTT ITCH TAPE THAT I BORROWED FROM YOU LAST YEAR. 391 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,907 >> OH, NO! 392 00:22:21,973 --> 00:22:22,941 OH, GOSH. 393 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,677 >> Stephen: I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT. 394 00:22:25,744 --> 00:22:29,715 SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE STABY THING. 395 00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:30,749 >> IT'S ALL GOOD. 396 00:22:30,816 --> 00:22:32,017 BUT WITH MY FINAL BREATH, I HAVE ONE LAST REQUEST. 397 00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:35,287 >> Stephen: WHAT? 398 00:22:35,353 --> 00:22:37,255 ANYTHING. 399 00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:39,791 >> PLEASE PROMOTE MY HULU SERIES! 400 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,893 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE MY SACRED VOW. 401 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,496 CHECK OUT STEVE CARELL IN "THE PATIENT" ON HULU. 402 00:22:44,563 --> 00:22:47,699 WE SHALL RETURN WITH STEVE CARELL! 403 00:22:47,766 --> 00:22:49,768 >> I'M ALIVE! 404 00:23:10,989 --> 00:23:18,930 FOLKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR YOU 405 00:23:18,997 --> 00:23:20,031 KNOW FROM "THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN," "THE MORNING SHOW," 406 00:23:20,098 --> 00:23:20,699 AND "THE OFFICE." 407 00:23:20,766 --> 00:23:24,936 HE NOW STARS IN "THE PATIENT." 408 00:23:25,003 --> 00:23:26,571 >> ARE YOU STILL OUT THERE? 409 00:23:26,638 --> 00:23:28,306 >> I'M HERE. 410 00:23:28,373 --> 00:23:31,176 >> WHO WAS THAT? 411 00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:35,380 WAS THAT HIS MOTHER WHO-- DO YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE? 412 00:23:35,447 --> 00:23:37,516 >> I'M HIS THERAPIST. 413 00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,985 THE GUY WHO HAS US DOWN HERE. 414 00:23:40,051 --> 00:23:43,321 THAT WAS HIS MOTHER, YES. 415 00:23:43,388 --> 00:23:45,624 >> WHO IS THIS GUY? 416 00:23:45,690 --> 00:23:49,194 >> I THINK I MAY BE ABLE TO STOP HIM FROM KILLING US. 417 00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:50,729 I'M WORKING ON IT. 418 00:23:50,796 --> 00:23:53,632 IT'S NOT EASY. 419 00:23:53,698 --> 00:23:55,467 >> I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 420 00:23:55,534 --> 00:23:58,336 HE'S NOT GOING TO KILL YOU, RIGHT? 421 00:23:58,403 --> 00:24:00,505 IF-- IF YOU'RE HIS THERAPIST? 422 00:24:00,572 --> 00:24:02,574 >> WELL, HE DOESN'T SEEM TO FULLY RESPECT THE PATIENT-DOCTOR 423 00:24:05,977 --> 00:24:14,085 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MY OLD 424 00:24:14,152 --> 00:24:15,887 FRIEND AND YOURS, STEVE CARELL! 425 00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:24,930 ♪ BABY DON'T YOU WANT TO GO ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 426 00:24:35,507 --> 00:24:37,809 >> Stephen: LOOK WHAT WE'VE GOT. 427 00:24:37,876 --> 00:24:38,743 WE'VE GOT STEVE CARELL. 428 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,178 >> HELLO! 429 00:24:40,245 --> 00:24:41,947 >> Stephen: HI, STEVE, HOW ARE YOU? 430 00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:42,747 >> I'M WELL, HOW ARE YOU. 431 00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:45,550 >> Stephen: I'M VERY WELL, ACTUALLY. 432 00:24:45,617 --> 00:24:46,117 NICE TO SEE YOU. 433 00:24:46,184 --> 00:24:47,452 >> GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO. 434 00:24:47,519 --> 00:24:49,654 >> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS STRANGE TO SEE YOU HERE AT THE 435 00:24:49,721 --> 00:24:50,222 DESK. 436 00:24:50,288 --> 00:24:51,823 >> HOW SO. 437 00:24:51,890 --> 00:24:55,894 >> Stephen: BECAUSE, TO THESE PEOPLE YOU'RE STEVE CARELL. 438 00:24:55,961 --> 00:24:56,928 YOU'RE JUST STEVE. 439 00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:59,631 YOU'RE ONE OF THE-- AND ALSO, ALSO, YOU'RE SUCH AN 440 00:24:59,698 --> 00:25:00,165 ACCOMPLISHED ACTOR. 441 00:25:00,232 --> 00:25:02,100 >> NO, THAT'S NOT IT. 442 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,236 THAT'S NOT -- >> Stephen: NO, NO, THE 443 00:25:04,302 --> 00:25:06,104 ACCOMPLISHED ACTOR-- ( APPLAUSE ) 444 00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,975 WHAT'S WEIRD IS-- WHAT'S WEIRD IS I KNOW YOU TO BE JUST ONE OF 445 00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:11,376 THE SILLIEST PEOPLE I KNOW. 446 00:25:11,443 --> 00:25:12,577 >> WELL, YOU,s TOO. 447 00:25:12,644 --> 00:25:14,746 >> Stephen: WELL, SURE, SURE. 448 00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:17,949 THAT'S WHY I ENJOYED THAT SO MUCH BECAUSE ALL WE DID-- I 449 00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:22,821 DON'T KNOW, HOW LONG DID WE KNOW EACH OTHER COMEDICALLY, A 450 00:25:22,888 --> 00:25:23,855 DECADE. 451 00:25:23,922 --> 00:25:25,924 ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS THE DUMBEST THING WEEKEND. 452 00:25:25,991 --> 00:25:28,894 >> WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER COMEDICALLY LONGER THAN I'VE 453 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:29,327 BEEN MARRY. 454 00:25:29,394 --> 00:25:29,861 >> Stephen: WOW. 455 00:25:29,928 --> 00:25:30,662 >> IT'S OVER 30 YEARS. 456 00:25:30,729 --> 00:25:32,197 >> Stephen: SURE, RIGHT. 457 00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:33,398 I'M ONLY MARRIED 29 YEARS. 458 00:25:33,465 --> 00:25:34,099 SAME THING. 459 00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:35,233 WOW. 460 00:25:35,300 --> 00:25:35,600 ( APPLAUSE ). 461 00:25:35,667 --> 00:25:36,034 >> YEAH. 462 00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:37,068 >> Stephen: WOW. 463 00:25:37,135 --> 00:25:40,438 THIS IS QUITE A LOVE AFFAIR WE'VE GOT GOING HERE. 464 00:25:40,505 --> 00:25:42,807 HEY, SPEAKING OF THE MARCH OF TIME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 465 00:25:42,874 --> 00:25:43,742 >> THANKS! 466 00:25:43,808 --> 00:25:46,077 >> Stephen: I JUST-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 467 00:25:46,144 --> 00:25:49,514 >> THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP! 468 00:25:49,581 --> 00:25:50,115 FANTASTIC! 469 00:25:50,181 --> 00:25:51,216 >> Stephen: I'M HAPPY TO. 470 00:25:51,283 --> 00:25:54,052 I BRING IT UP JUST BECAUSE I THINK IT WAS LIKE-- WE'RE 471 00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:54,753 BASICALLY THE SAME AGE, RIGHT? 472 00:25:54,819 --> 00:25:56,955 >> WE'RE BASICALLY THE SAME AGE. 473 00:25:57,022 --> 00:25:58,890 .>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE 60 NOW. 474 00:25:58,957 --> 00:25:59,658 >> I AM. 475 00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:01,126 >> Stephen: YOU'RE 60! 476 00:26:01,192 --> 00:26:02,160 >> I AM IF. 477 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:06,731 >> Stephen: AND I DON'T WANT TO BRAG, BUT I'M IN MY 478 00:26:06,798 --> 00:26:07,065 MID-50s. 479 00:26:07,132 --> 00:26:07,499 >> REALLY. 480 00:26:07,565 --> 00:26:08,199 >> Stephen: 58. 481 00:26:08,266 --> 00:26:09,167 THAT'S SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE. 482 00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:10,936 >> THAT'S LATE-MID. 483 00:26:11,002 --> 00:26:12,837 >> Stephen: THAT'S LATE-MID, EXACTLY. 484 00:26:12,904 --> 00:26:14,806 DID YOU NEED SUPPLEMENTAL OXYGEN TO COME OUT HERE? 485 00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:15,807 >> A LITTLE BIT. 486 00:26:15,874 --> 00:26:16,374 >> Stephen: REALLY? 487 00:26:16,441 --> 00:26:17,342 >> NO. 488 00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:18,043 I'M DOING FINE. 489 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:18,677 >> Stephen: I'M SURE. 490 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:20,545 >> I DO HAVE A HIP, THOUGH. 491 00:26:20,612 --> 00:26:21,379 YOU KNOW THAT. 492 00:26:21,446 --> 00:26:22,614 >> Stephen: DID YOU REPLACE YOUR HIP? 493 00:26:22,681 --> 00:26:23,315 >> YEARS AGO. 494 00:26:23,381 --> 00:26:24,115 >> Stephen: NO. 495 00:26:24,182 --> 00:26:25,317 >> IT IS FANTASTIC. 496 00:26:25,383 --> 00:26:26,318 >> Stephen: BECAUSE OF THE HOCKEY? 497 00:26:26,384 --> 00:26:27,619 >> YEAH. 498 00:26:27,686 --> 00:26:31,923 THE DOCTOR CAME IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I WAS GOING UNDER 499 00:26:31,990 --> 00:26:35,727 AND SAID, "WHAT SORT OF MATERIAL DO YOU WANT YOUR HIP TO BE?" 500 00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:40,699 AND I WAS LIKE, "SHOULDN'T WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE?" 501 00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:41,433 ( LAUGHTER ). 502 00:26:41,499 --> 00:26:42,334 >> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS? 503 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,071 >> OH, WELL, PORCELAIN-- NO. 504 00:26:46,137 --> 00:26:48,239 >> Stephen: MAYBE. 505 00:26:48,306 --> 00:26:48,773 CERAMIC. 506 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:49,341 >> THAT'S WHAT I GOT. 507 00:26:49,407 --> 00:26:51,509 I GOT CERAMIC. 508 00:26:51,576 --> 00:26:54,846 BECAUSE HE SAID, UP UNTIL THAT POINT, MOST DURABLE. 509 00:26:54,913 --> 00:26:57,415 BUT HE SAID ALSO HAS A TENDENCY TO SQUEAK. 510 00:26:57,482 --> 00:27:02,754 SO IT WAS LIKE, DO YOU WANT DURABILITY-- DO YOU WANT 511 00:27:02,821 --> 00:27:04,689 DURABILITY -- >> Stephen: CAN YOU NOT BE A 512 00:27:04,756 --> 00:27:10,161 SPY NOW BECAUSE ( SQUEAKING NOISES ) 513 00:27:10,228 --> 00:27:11,262 ( APPLAUSE ). 514 00:27:11,329 --> 00:27:12,864 >> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK 515 00:27:12,931 --> 00:27:14,599 RIGHT HERE, PAY SOME BILLS. 516 00:27:14,666 --> 00:27:17,035 MR. STEVE CARELL WILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK. 517 00:27:17,102 --> 00:27:18,103 DON'T GO AWAY. 518 00:27:18,169 --> 00:27:18,670 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 519 00:27:29,781 --> 00:27:30,715 LOOK AT THAT! 520 00:27:30,782 --> 00:27:34,953 THERE HE IS, IN THE FLESH, MAESTRO. 521 00:27:35,020 --> 00:27:37,055 OKAY, EVERYBODY'S EXCITED THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE GETTING 522 00:27:37,122 --> 00:27:42,394 TOGETHER WITH YOUR FRIEND JOHN KRASINSKI FOR YOUR NEW MOVIE 523 00:27:42,460 --> 00:27:45,163 "IMAGINARY FRIENDS" THAT JOHN HAS WRITTEN AND IS DIRECTING. 524 00:27:45,230 --> 00:27:46,398 HAVE YOU STARTED YET? 525 00:27:46,464 --> 00:27:47,265 >> YES. 526 00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:48,199 >> Stephen: YOU'VE STARTED. 527 00:27:48,266 --> 00:27:49,534 >> I HAVE STARTED. 528 00:27:49,601 --> 00:27:51,936 >> Stephen: HOW LONG SINCE YOU GUYS HAVE WORKED TOGETHER? 529 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,672 >> I MEAN, SINCE THE END OF "THE OFFICE." 530 00:27:54,739 --> 00:27:57,175 >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM, HE DIDN'T HAVE A BEARD 531 00:27:57,242 --> 00:27:59,044 AND WASN'T JACKED THE WAY HE IS NOW. 532 00:27:59,110 --> 00:27:59,878 >> NO, NO. 533 00:27:59,944 --> 00:28:01,046 >> Stephen: IS HE DIFFERENT. 534 00:28:01,112 --> 00:28:02,647 >> HE'S THE SAME GUY. 535 00:28:02,714 --> 00:28:04,115 HE'S EXACTLY THE SAME GUY. 536 00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:04,883 >> Stephen: SURE. 537 00:28:04,949 --> 00:28:07,318 >> AND HE'S SUCH A GREAT DIRECTOR. 538 00:28:07,385 --> 00:28:08,553 >> Stephen: HE IS. 539 00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:10,388 HE DIRECTED YOU IN "THE OFFICE." 540 00:28:10,455 --> 00:28:11,856 AND YOU DIRECTED THE "THE OFFICE." 541 00:28:11,923 --> 00:28:13,191 >> A FEW OF THEM, YEAH. 542 00:28:13,258 --> 00:28:15,393 >> Stephen: TWO OR THREE TIMES. 543 00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:19,030 "A," WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE DIRECTED BY ANOTHER ENSEMBLE 544 00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:19,998 MEMBER? 545 00:28:20,065 --> 00:28:20,732 AND WHAT'S IT LIKE TO PUT THAT HAT ON YOURSELF? 546 00:28:20,799 --> 00:28:23,034 >> I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF CONTEXT. 547 00:28:23,101 --> 00:28:25,770 IN "THE OFFICE" IT WAS EASY BECAUSE WE WERE ALL SUPER GOOD 548 00:28:25,837 --> 00:28:28,807 FRIENDS AND WE SUPPORTED EACH OTHER AND WANTED EACH OTHER TO 549 00:28:28,873 --> 00:28:30,008 SUCCEED. 550 00:28:30,075 --> 00:28:31,776 THAT PART OF IT-- WHEN ONE OF THE CAST OR ONE OF THE WRITERS 551 00:28:31,843 --> 00:28:33,878 BECAME A DIRECTOR, EVERYONE WAS TOTALLY BEHIND THEM. 552 00:28:33,945 --> 00:28:36,414 AND SO, IT WAS KIND OF EASY. 553 00:28:36,481 --> 00:28:38,650 AND EVERYBODY KNEW THEIR CHARACTER SO WELL, AND YOU COULD 554 00:28:38,716 --> 00:28:40,652 ONLY SHOOT IN THAT SMALL SPACE. 555 00:28:40,718 --> 00:28:43,855 SO THERE WEREN'T A LOT OF OPTIONS IN TERMS OF SETTING UP A 556 00:28:43,922 --> 00:28:44,456 SHOT. 557 00:28:44,522 --> 00:28:45,557 SO IT WAS KIND OF SIMPLE. 558 00:28:45,623 --> 00:28:50,528 >> Stephen: NOT A LOT OF FLYING JIBS OR ANYTHING LIKE 559 00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:50,795 THAT? 560 00:28:50,862 --> 00:28:51,930 >> NO. 561 00:28:51,996 --> 00:28:54,232 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE YET ANOTHER PROJECT THAT WE JUST SAW 562 00:28:54,299 --> 00:29:00,805 A CLIP FROM THERE, KIND OF FUNNY, KIND OF SPOOKY, CALLED 563 00:29:00,872 --> 00:29:01,372 "THE PATIENT." 564 00:29:01,439 --> 00:29:02,507 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 565 00:29:02,574 --> 00:29:09,280 >> WH BRANDON GLEESON IS YOUR PATIENT WOULD IT BE GIVING 566 00:29:09,347 --> 00:29:10,682 ANYTHING WAY TO SAY HE'S THE KILLER? 567 00:29:10,748 --> 00:29:11,583 >> YOU BLEW IT. 568 00:29:11,649 --> 00:29:14,152 YOU DON'T FIND THAT OUT UNTIL EPISODE 10. 569 00:29:14,219 --> 00:29:14,819 NO, YES. 570 00:29:14,886 --> 00:29:17,088 HE IS A SERIAL KILLER. 571 00:29:17,155 --> 00:29:22,193 HE ABDUCTS HIS THERAPIST, ME, AND CHAINS HIM UP IN HIS 572 00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:25,597 BASEMENT, HIS LITTLE REC ROOM DOWN THERE BECAUSE HE WANTS TO 573 00:29:25,663 --> 00:29:27,432 GET INTENSIVE THERAPY GOING. 574 00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:27,899 >> Stephen: SURE. 575 00:29:27,966 --> 00:29:28,900 >> AS YOU DO. 576 00:29:28,967 --> 00:29:31,870 >> Stephen: ALSO A VERY LIMITED STOAT SHOOT ON. 577 00:29:31,936 --> 00:29:34,272 >> OH, YEAH, YEAH. 578 00:29:34,339 --> 00:29:36,407 WELL, I WAS CHAINED-- DOES THAT APPEAL TO YOU THAT YOU DON'T 579 00:29:36,474 --> 00:29:38,176 HAVE TO GO ON A LOT OF LOCATIONS? 580 00:29:38,243 --> 00:29:39,377 >> WELL, YES, YES. 581 00:29:39,444 --> 00:29:41,079 I THOUGHT, THAT WILL BE EASY. 582 00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:45,884 BUT I DIDN'T THINK THE PART THROUGH THAT THEY'RE REALLY-- 583 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:48,052 THEY'RE CHAINING ME UP TO THE FLOOR. 584 00:29:48,119 --> 00:29:49,454 >> Stephen: CAN'T THEY JUST DO A FAKE CHAIN? 585 00:29:49,521 --> 00:29:53,491 >> I WANTED A REAL CHAIN BECAUSE IT'S GOT A DIFFERENT HEFT TO IT 586 00:29:53,558 --> 00:29:56,561 AND IT'S GOT-- YOU KNOW, IT MAKES YOU FEEL A CERTAIN WAY 587 00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,530 WHEN YOU HAVE A REAL CHAIN AND A REAL LOCK. 588 00:29:58,596 --> 00:29:59,597 >> Stephen: I WOULDN'T KNOW. 589 00:29:59,664 --> 00:30:01,933 ( LAUGHTER ) I'M FLATTERED, BUT I WOULDN'T 590 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:02,500 KNOW. 591 00:30:02,567 --> 00:30:04,235 >> YUP, NO, YOU'RE GOOD. 592 00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:05,470 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 593 00:30:05,537 --> 00:30:08,206 >> NO, THERE WAS-- THERE WAS AN ACTUAL-- THERE WAS A VISCERAL 594 00:30:08,273 --> 00:30:09,407 FEELING TO IT. 595 00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:12,243 >> Stephen: BUT ARE ACTUALLY LOCKED IN? 596 00:30:12,310 --> 00:30:13,978 >> THE FIRST DAY THEY HAD ONE KEY. 597 00:30:14,045 --> 00:30:18,049 AND I THOUGHT YOU BETTER MAKE SOME DUPLICATES FOR THIS THING. 598 00:30:18,116 --> 00:30:19,384 BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: WHAT IF THERE'S A 599 00:30:19,450 --> 00:30:20,652 FIRE. 600 00:30:20,718 --> 00:30:21,886 >> BECAUSE THERE'S A FIRE OR AN EARTHQUAKE OR SOMETHING, THEY'RE 601 00:30:21,953 --> 00:30:27,058 OUT OF THERE, AND I'M SAYING, "HELP ME!" 602 00:30:27,125 --> 00:30:29,527 >> Stephen: OR LYING-- >> ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. 603 00:30:29,594 --> 00:30:31,462 >> Stephen: IT'S A BACK LOT. 604 00:30:31,529 --> 00:30:33,731 THE LINE COMES OVER FROM M.G.M. 605 00:30:33,798 --> 00:30:36,267 >> ONE OF THE FIRST DAYS EVERYBODY WENT TO LUNCH. 606 00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:37,735 AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY." 607 00:30:37,802 --> 00:30:40,605 AND I WAS LAST TO THE CATERING TABLE. 608 00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,707 >> Stephen: THEY DIDN'T-- THEY DIDN'T UNLOCK YOU. 609 00:30:42,774 --> 00:30:44,275 >> WELL, THEY FORGOT. 610 00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:46,844 >> Stephen: THEY FORGOT STEVE CARELL WAS CHAINED TO THE BED? 611 00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:49,747 >> WELL, THEY WERE HUNGRY. 612 00:30:49,814 --> 00:30:50,515 SO... 613 00:30:50,582 --> 00:30:53,585 ( APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, IT'S OKAY. 614 00:30:53,651 --> 00:30:56,054 >> Stephen: YOU'RE VERY FORGIVING. 615 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:56,454 VERY FORGIVING. 616 00:30:56,521 --> 00:30:58,089 >> I'M OVER. 617 00:30:58,156 --> 00:31:00,124 >> Stephen: YOU'RE OVER IT. 618 00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:02,227 >> I'M OVERSTATING IT. 619 00:31:02,293 --> 00:31:03,394 NO, I'M NOT OVER ANYTHING. 620 00:31:03,461 --> 00:31:04,429 I'M 60. 621 00:31:04,495 --> 00:31:06,197 I'M READY FOR ANYTHING, STEPHEN. 622 00:31:06,264 --> 00:31:08,433 >> Stephen: AND IT'S IMORTANT. 623 00:31:08,499 --> 00:31:13,938 ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S VERY IMPORTANT IN HOLLYWOOD 624 00:31:14,005 --> 00:31:15,707 TO NEVER LET A GRUDGE GO. 625 00:31:15,773 --> 00:31:17,242 THATS WHAT I KNOW. 626 00:31:17,308 --> 00:31:18,910 NEVER FORGIVE ANYONE FOR ANYTHING. 627 00:31:18,977 --> 00:31:19,811 >> THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. 628 00:31:19,877 --> 00:31:21,179 >> Stephen: YEAH, AND SHOUT. 629 00:31:21,246 --> 00:31:24,582 >> IT'S EASY TO HOLD-- I'M A GREAT GRUDGE HOLDER. 630 00:31:24,649 --> 00:31:25,216 I'M REALLY GOOD. 631 00:31:25,283 --> 00:31:26,084 >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU ARE. 632 00:31:26,150 --> 00:31:27,218 >> MAKE A LITTLE LIST. 633 00:31:27,285 --> 00:31:28,953 >> Stephen: SURE. 634 00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:29,854 >> OOH! 635 00:31:29,921 --> 00:31:31,356 >> Stephen: THE THINGS YOU'VE KNOT ON ME. 636 00:31:31,422 --> 00:31:32,624 >> OH, YEAH. 637 00:31:32,690 --> 00:31:34,225 I'M WRITING A BOOK ACTUALLY. 638 00:31:34,292 --> 00:31:34,926 >> Stephen: WHAT? 639 00:31:34,993 --> 00:31:36,694 >> I'M WRITING A BOOK ABOUT YOU. 640 00:31:36,761 --> 00:31:38,730 >> Stephen: OH, REALLY. 641 00:31:38,796 --> 00:31:40,965 DO YOU NEED A BLURB OR ANYTHING? 642 00:31:41,032 --> 00:31:44,369 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT STICK AROUND. 643 00:31:44,435 --> 00:31:45,436 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE STEVE CARELL, EVERYBODY. 644 00:31:55,713 --> 00:31:56,748 >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK HERE WITH OUR FRIEND, AMERICA'S 645 00:31:56,814 --> 00:31:58,483 SWEETHEART STEVE CARELL. 646 00:31:58,549 --> 00:32:00,952 YOU'VE GOT A VERY CALM DEMEANOR. 647 00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:04,922 YOU CAN-- YOU CAN PLAY, YOU KNOW, BIG AS A PERFORMER, BUT 648 00:32:04,989 --> 00:32:07,558 YOU YOURSELF ARE VERY LEVEL HEADED AND STEADY. 649 00:32:07,625 --> 00:32:10,695 DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE A GOOD THERAPIST? 650 00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:14,065 >> WELL, I PLAY ONE ON TELEVISION SO, YEAH, DEFINITELY. 651 00:32:14,132 --> 00:32:15,500 >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO. 652 00:32:15,566 --> 00:32:16,968 >> I DON'T KNOW. 653 00:32:17,035 --> 00:32:19,537 I THINK PEOPLE-- ANYONE WHO CAN LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE 654 00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:21,839 IMMEDIATELY THINK THEY COULD BE A GOOD THERAPIST, BUT I DON'T 655 00:32:21,906 --> 00:32:23,875 KNOW IF THAT'S ACTUALLY THE CASE. 656 00:32:23,941 --> 00:32:26,611 BECAUSE YOU DO NEED TRAINING AND TO GO TO SCHOOL AND ALL OF THAT. 657 00:32:26,678 --> 00:32:27,178 >> Stephen: SURE. 658 00:32:27,245 --> 00:32:29,414 >> BUT IT'S FASCINATING. 659 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:32,383 I THINK IT'S A FASCINATING PROFESSION. 660 00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:37,388 >> Stephen: I-- I I THINK MY FEAR WOULD BE IF I WERE A 661 00:32:37,455 --> 00:32:39,457 THERAPIST I WOULD GO-- I WILL TELL THE STORY BETTER. 662 00:32:39,524 --> 00:32:41,793 YOU'RE LEADING WITH THE WRONG INFORMATION. 663 00:32:41,859 --> 00:32:43,861 IT'S NOT NEARLY AS ENTERTAINING AS THIS STORY. 664 00:32:43,928 --> 00:32:48,333 >> BUT WHAT YOU KIND OF DO-- I MEAN WHAT YOU DO HERE IS, I 665 00:32:48,399 --> 00:32:51,135 THINK, A-- I THINK YOU'D ACTUALLY BE A GOOD THERAPIST. 666 00:32:51,202 --> 00:32:51,703 ( APPLAUSE ). 667 00:32:51,769 --> 00:32:52,670 >> Stephen: I WOULD BE? 668 00:32:52,737 --> 00:32:55,506 >> I THINK YOU WOULD GLI DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD. 669 00:32:55,573 --> 00:32:57,108 >> THINK ABOUT IT. 670 00:32:57,175 --> 00:32:58,876 YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE LISTENING TO PEOPLE. 671 00:32:58,943 --> 00:32:59,844 YOU'RE A SOUNDING BOARD. 672 00:32:59,911 --> 00:33:01,846 YOU'RE MAKING THEM FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES. 673 00:33:01,913 --> 00:33:02,413 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 674 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:03,781 >> EVEN WHEN THEY STINK. 675 00:33:03,848 --> 00:33:05,049 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 676 00:33:05,116 --> 00:33:07,885 AND I'M A VERY GOOD LISTENER, IF THE PERSON IS TALKING ABOUT ME, 677 00:33:07,952 --> 00:33:09,354 LIKE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. 678 00:33:09,420 --> 00:33:12,423 THEN I'M LIKE, "THIS IS A FASCINATING PERSON. 679 00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:14,158 THIS IS A FASCINATING PERSON." 680 00:33:14,225 --> 00:33:18,196 YOU ALSO HAVE TO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE, AND, OBVIOUSLY, I'M DEAD 681 00:33:18,262 --> 00:33:19,263 INSIDE. 682 00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:21,799 AFTER YEARS, I'M JUST FAKING MY MUHASN'T OVER HERE. 683 00:33:21,866 --> 00:33:25,336 >> YOU'RE A LITTLE SOCIOPATHIC, I GET IT. 684 00:33:25,403 --> 00:33:26,938 >> Stephen: MY HEART DOESN'T GO ABOVE 85 BEATS PER EMPTY PUP 685 00:33:27,004 --> 00:33:29,240 PLAYED A GREAT SOCIOPATH AT SECOND CITY. 686 00:33:29,307 --> 00:33:32,677 YOU REMEMBER, YOU AND AMY HAD THAT SCENE IN THE LAUNDROMAT, 687 00:33:32,744 --> 00:33:35,646 WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO STRANGLE SOMEONE. 688 00:33:35,713 --> 00:33:40,318 AND EVERYONE GOES, "I CAN'T BELIEVE STEVE CARELL WAS SO 689 00:33:40,385 --> 00:33:45,523 GREAT IN "FOX CATCHER" WHERE YOU PLAYED THE CRAZY DuPONT. 690 00:33:45,590 --> 00:33:47,325 >> YEAH. 691 00:33:47,392 --> 00:33:52,830 >> Stephen: I REMEMBER THERE WAS AN EVENT HONORING "FOX 692 00:33:52,897 --> 00:33:57,068 CATCHER" AND I SAID I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE IS SURPRISED. 693 00:33:57,135 --> 00:33:59,871 HE'S BEEN PSYCHOTIC FOR YEARS. 694 00:33:59,937 --> 00:34:02,073 >> THERE'S A DEPTH TO OUR RELATIONSHIP. 695 00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:05,009 >> Stephen: THAT WE BOTH PROMISED NOT TO TELL ANYONE 696 00:34:05,076 --> 00:34:05,343 ABOUT. 697 00:34:05,410 --> 00:34:06,344 >> THAT'S. 698 00:34:06,411 --> 00:34:07,678 >> Stephen: THIS IS NOT A SPOILER-- OH, MY GOD. 699 00:34:07,745 --> 00:34:10,047 I WAS ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION AGAIN. 700 00:34:10,114 --> 00:34:11,649 >> OH, REALLY? 701 00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:12,617 >> Stephen: YES. 702 00:34:12,683 --> 00:34:13,785 BECAUSE I JUMPED. 703 00:34:13,851 --> 00:34:16,220 I ASKED YOU A QUESTION ABOUT BEING CHAIND TO THE BED, AND I 704 00:34:16,287 --> 00:34:18,589 WAS ABOUT TO GO BACK AND ASK YOU THAT QUESTION AGAIN. 705 00:34:18,656 --> 00:34:20,725 >> I'M ANSWER IT DIFFERENTLY. 706 00:34:20,792 --> 00:34:22,727 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 707 00:34:22,794 --> 00:34:25,863 YOU WANT TO DO IT? 708 00:34:25,930 --> 00:34:28,866 >> Stephen: AT THE END HERE, I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY GETAWAY 709 00:34:28,933 --> 00:34:30,701 QUESTION, BUT IN FACT I ASKED YOU THAT QUESTION EARLIER. 710 00:34:30,768 --> 00:34:33,738 >> SO YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS THING. 711 00:34:33,805 --> 00:34:36,841 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU NEED, LIKE, A GOOD CUT 712 00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:37,708 POINT. 713 00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:38,709 >> Stephen: THEY'RE TELLING ME TO WRAP-- 714 00:34:38,776 --> 00:34:39,677 >> THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 715 00:34:39,744 --> 00:34:42,580 >> Stephen: WAIT, IT SAYS "WRAP," OVER THERE. 716 00:34:42,647 --> 00:34:44,449 SOF WE'VE DONE ALL THE TIME WE WANT. 717 00:34:44,515 --> 00:34:45,583 >> OKAY. 718 00:34:45,650 --> 00:34:47,718 >> Stephen:UTBUT I THOUGHT I WANT TO GET HIM A CHANCE TO 719 00:34:47,785 --> 00:34:48,786 SCORE BEFORE HE GOES. 720 00:34:48,853 --> 00:34:51,088 I LOOKED DOWN AND THOUGHT, NOT A SPOILER. 721 00:34:51,155 --> 00:34:51,789 NO, NO, NO. 722 00:34:51,856 --> 00:34:54,091 >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME SCORING. 723 00:34:54,158 --> 00:34:59,263 I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING FUNNY FOR THE NEXT 20, 30 724 00:34:59,330 --> 00:35:00,231 SECONDS. 725 00:35:00,298 --> 00:35:02,733 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 726 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:04,802 ( CHEERING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 727 00:35:25,122 --> 00:35:26,557 >> Stephen: NEW EPISODES OF "THE PATIENT" ARE AVAILABLE ON HULU 728 00:35:26,624 --> 00:35:27,725 ON TUESDAYS. 729 00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,093 STEVE CARELL, EVERYBODY! 730 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:31,162 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY PHOENIX. 731 00:35:56,020 --> 00:35:57,188 >> Stephen: PERFORMING "TONIGHT" FEATURING EZRA KOENIG OF VAMPIRE 732 00:35:57,255 --> 00:36:00,992 WEEKEND, FROM THEIR FORTHCOMING ALBUM, "ALPHA ZULU," PHOENIX! 733 00:36:02,460 --> 00:36:08,966 ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 734 00:36:09,033 --> 00:36:21,679 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 735 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:27,652 ♪ COULD YOU, COULD YOU COME TONIGHT? 736 00:36:27,718 --> 00:36:29,287 ♪ INSTEAD OF GOING UNDER COULD YOU, COULD YOU COME 737 00:36:29,353 --> 00:36:31,989 TONIGHT? 738 00:36:32,056 --> 00:36:36,961 ♪ WOULD YOU THINK IT'D BE HER LAST DECEMBER? 739 00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:39,630 ♪ COULD IT BE THE WAY SHE COMBS HER HAIR? 740 00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:43,634 ♪ IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE DAY YOU LOST TO CARE 741 00:36:43,701 --> 00:36:45,636 ♪ WHAT IF I WAS THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYER? 742 00:36:45,703 --> 00:36:51,642 ♪ YEAH, YOU NEED A LITTLE CANDOR, NEED A LITTLE CANDOR 743 00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:54,779 ♪ WHAT IF WE LAST 'TIL IT'S DAWN LIKE YOU PROMISED ME? 744 00:36:54,845 --> 00:36:57,648 ♪ WHO LET THE BOYS SPILL THEIR ENTREE? 745 00:36:57,715 --> 00:37:00,251 ♪ DINNER IS SERVED, CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE NOT OPPOSITES? 746 00:37:00,318 --> 00:37:03,654 ♪ ARE YOU STILL UP THINKING OF ME? 747 00:37:03,721 --> 00:37:12,964 ♪ I TAKE ALL THE BLAME IS IT HARD TO UNDERSTAND? 748 00:37:13,030 --> 00:37:19,737 ♪ WHEN IT'S ALL THE SAME I'VE PLAYED ALL THE GAMES 749 00:37:19,804 --> 00:37:24,976 AND LOST ALMOST EVERYTHING ♪ NOW I TALK TO MYSELF 750 00:37:25,042 --> 00:37:33,651 AND IT'S QUITE SURPRISING ♪ ROLL WITH ME 751 00:37:33,718 --> 00:37:36,954 LET'S ROLL ♪ COULD YOU, COULD YOU COME 752 00:37:37,021 --> 00:37:41,025 TONIGHT? 753 00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:44,962 ♪ I'M COUNTING FROM THE THUNDER COULD YOU, COULD YOU COME 754 00:37:45,029 --> 00:37:46,697 TONIGHT? 755 00:37:46,764 --> 00:37:49,900 ♪ I GOT A FEELING THAT YOU KNOW THE NUMBER 756 00:37:49,967 --> 00:37:56,340 ♪ COULD I BE THE BEST TO JUMP AHEAD? 757 00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:57,642 ♪ YOUR FEET ARE HURTING LESS WITH MOCCASINS 758 00:37:57,708 --> 00:38:00,945 ♪ I NEVER HEARD ANOTHER COMMENT SINCE 759 00:38:01,012 --> 00:38:04,949 ♪ YOU NEED A LITTLE SPLENDOR, NEED A LITTLE SPLENDOR 760 00:38:05,016 --> 00:38:08,586 ♪ WHAT IF WE LAST 'TIL THE DAWN LIKE YOU PROMISED ME? 761 00:38:08,653 --> 00:38:11,455 ♪ WHO LET THE BOYS SPILL THEIR ENTREE? 762 00:38:11,522 --> 00:38:12,957 ♪ DINNER IS SERVED CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE NOT 763 00:38:13,024 --> 00:38:14,492 OPPOSITES? 764 00:38:14,558 --> 00:38:20,965 ♪ ARE YOU STILL UP THINKING OF ME? 765 00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:27,638 ♪ I TAKE ALL THE BLAME IS IT HARD TO UNDERSTAND? 766 00:38:27,705 --> 00:38:32,943 ♪ WHEN IT'S ALL THE SAME I'VE PLAYED ALL THE GAMES 767 00:38:33,010 --> 00:38:36,914 AND LOST ALMOST EVERYTHING ♪ NOW I TALK TO MYSELF 768 00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:51,662 AND IT'S QUITE SURPRISING ♪ ROLL WITH ME 769 00:38:51,729 --> 00:38:56,534 LET'S ROLL WITH ME ♪ TALK TO MYSELF AND IT'S QUITE 770 00:38:56,600 --> 00:39:00,304 SURPRISING ♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT 771 00:39:00,371 --> 00:39:02,673 NIGHT, NIGHT, NIGHT. 772 00:39:02,740 --> 00:39:03,974 ROLL ♪ NOW I TALK TO MYSELF 773 00:39:04,041 --> 00:39:09,513 AND IT'S QUITE SURPRISING ♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT 774 00:39:09,580 --> 00:39:12,950 NIGHT, NIGHT, NIGHT. 775 00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:15,653 ROLL ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE THE SIGN UP ON 776 00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:18,823 THE WALL? 777 00:39:18,889 --> 00:39:21,659 ♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT NIGHT, NIGHT, NIGHT 778 00:39:21,726 --> 00:39:24,962 ROLL ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE THE SIGN UP ON 779 00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:27,631 THE WALL? 780 00:39:27,698 --> 00:39:31,035 ♪ IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT 781 00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:36,974 I TALK TO MYSELF AND IT'S QUITE SURPRISING 782 00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:41,011 ♪ ROLL WITH ME 783 00:39:41,078 --> 00:39:48,953 LET'S ROLL WITH ME 784 00:39:49,019 --> 00:39:52,957 ♪ OH, HOW I WISH I COULD BE SOMEONE LIKE YOU 785 00:39:53,023 --> 00:39:57,628 BE SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE LIKE YOU. 786 00:39:57,695 --> 00:40:03,634 ♪ WISH I COULD BE SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE LIKE YOU 787 00:40:03,701 --> 00:40:08,105 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 788 00:40:08,172 --> 00:40:11,509 THANK YOU. 789 00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:12,009 THANKS. 790 00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:12,943 PHOENIX, EVERYBODY! 791 00:40:13,010 --> 00:40:15,613 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 792 00:40:15,679 --> 00:40:17,314 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE QUEEN LATIFAH AND NINA 793 00:40:17,381 --> 00:40:19,683 TOTENBERG. 794 00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:21,752 GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!