1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,136 >> CALLING ALL CONSERVATIVES. 2 00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:04,904 A NEW DATING APP CALLED "THE RIGHT STUFF" JUST MIGHT GIVE YOU 3 00:00:04,971 --> 00:00:08,375 A CHANCE TO MEET YOUR TRUE MATCH. 4 00:00:08,441 --> 00:00:11,945 THE APP IS CREATED BY OUR VERY OWN KAYLEIGH MCENANY'S SISTER, 5 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:13,179 HOW COOL IS THAT? 6 00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:16,950 AND IT JUST MIGHT FILL A NEED FOR CONSERVATIVES WHO ARE SINGLE 7 00:00:17,016 --> 00:00:18,151 AND READY TO MINGLE. 8 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:21,054 >> THE DATING APP IS REPORTEDLY STRUGGLING TO DRAW IN YOUNG 9 00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:22,122 CONSERVATIVE WOMEN. 10 00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:30,063 >> HEY, GUYS, I'M RYAN. 11 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:33,633 I'VE GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING I'M SO EXCITED TO 12 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,869 ANNOUNCE: A DATING APP FOR ALL OF US CONSERVATIVES. 13 00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,772 IT'S CALLED "THE RIGHT STUFF." 14 00:00:38,838 --> 00:00:40,373 "THE RIGHT STUFF" IS ALL ABOUT GETTING INTO THE RIGHT DATING 15 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,877 POOL WITH PEOPLE WHO SHARE THE SAME VALUES AND BELIEFS AS YOU. 16 00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:45,345 IT'S EASY. 17 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:48,982 JUST SCROLL THROUGH ALL THE ELIGIBLE CONSERVATIVES. 18 00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:51,885 LIKE RUDY. 19 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:53,653 HE BELIEVES IN FAMILY VALUES, AND HE PROVED IT BY MARRYING HIS 20 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,990 COUSIN. 21 00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:59,659 TED-- YOU WON'T NEED BIRTH CONTROL BECAUSE THE EX-PRESIDENT 22 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:00,994 TOOK HIS BALLS. 23 00:01:01,060 --> 00:01:04,397 DON JR.-- HE LOVES FRESH POWDER. 24 00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:04,998 AND HE SKIS. 25 00:01:05,064 --> 00:01:08,301 ERIC-- UHM... 26 00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:09,102 MATT. 27 00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,638 OOPS, ACTUALLY, HE'S NOT ON THIS APP. 28 00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:14,507 HE DATES ON VENMO. 29 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:17,010 SO IF YOU'RE A YOUNG CONSERVATIVE LOOKING TO AMP YOUR 30 00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:19,245 DATING LIFE, DOWNLOAD "THE RIGHT STUFF" TODAY AND HAVE YOUR HEART 31 00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,314 STOLEN, JUST LIKE WE PRETEND THE ELECTION WAS. 32 00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:28,955 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 33 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:33,960 TONIGHT: LIAR, LIAR. 34 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,328 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: NEIL DeGRASSE TYSON 35 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:39,332 AND PHIL ROSENTHAL 36 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:43,436 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 37 00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:51,311 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 38 00:01:51,377 --> 00:01:54,914 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 39 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:57,951 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 40 00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:00,553 >> Stephen: RIGHT THERE, ALL RIGHT? 41 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:05,358 TAKE YOU RIGHT OVER THERE. 42 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:06,025 COME ON! 43 00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:11,297 COME ON! 44 00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:16,035 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ WHAT KIND OF FOOL AM I ♪ 45 00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:17,237 GOOD TO SEE YOU. 46 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,473 >> Louis: I HEAR YOU, I HEAR YOU. 47 00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:21,941 >> Stephen: HAVE A GOOD SHOW. 48 00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:23,243 PLEASE, SIT DOWN! 49 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:24,310 THANKS, EVERYBODY. 50 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:25,278 YOU'RE VERY KIND. 51 00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:27,347 YOU'RE TOO KIND. 52 00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:29,949 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 53 00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:33,286 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 54 00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:38,992 YOU KNOW, OVER THE LAST SIX YEARS, WE'VE ALL HAD A LOT OF 55 00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:41,094 FUN WITH THE IDEA THAT NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING, THERE ARE NO 56 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,195 CONSEQUENCES, TEAR UP YOUR HISTORY BOOKS, AND LIVE IN A 57 00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:45,298 CAVE. 58 00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:52,739 BUT, OCCASIONALLY, EVERY SO OFTEN, AND THIS IS ONE OF THOSE 59 00:02:52,805 --> 00:02:56,242 SO OFTENS, SOMETHING MEANS ANYTHING. 60 00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:57,510 AND MEANING OF ANY KIND IS ALWAYS BAD FOR FORMER PRESIDENT, 61 00:02:57,577 --> 00:02:58,945 THE COUNT OF MOSTLY CRISCO. 62 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:05,285 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 63 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:09,088 ( LAUGHTER ) LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF AMERICA 64 00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:11,891 WILL RECALL THAT LAST MONTH, THE F.B.I. WENT INTO MAR-A-LAGO AND 65 00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:17,297 FOUND A BUNCH OF DOCUMENTS THAT ARE SUPER TOP SECRET, WHICH IS 66 00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:18,498 SUPER TOP ILLEGAL. 67 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,967 AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS DESPERATELY BEEN TRYING TO STALL 68 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,970 THE INVESTIGATION BECAUSE HE IS SUPER TOP GUILTY. 69 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,306 ALLEGEDLY. 70 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,407 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE GOOD? 71 00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:29,375 LAWYERS GOOD? 72 00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:30,643 OKAY. 73 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:45,592 AND RIGHT AWAY, HE GOT SOME HELP FROM CONSERVATIVE JUDGE AND GIRL 74 00:03:45,658 --> 00:03:46,859 AND RIGHT AWAY, HE GOT SOME HELP FROM CONSERVATIVE JUDGE AND GIRL 75 00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:47,961 FROM CONSERVATIVE JUDGE AND GIRL FROM THE RING WHO WENT TO LAW 76 00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:49,195 SCHOOL, AILEEN CANNON. 77 00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:51,164 JUDGE CANNON APPALLED THE LEGAL COMMUNITY WHEN SHE RULED THAT 78 00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:53,299 THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT COULD NOT USE THE OVER 100 ILLEGALLY 79 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:57,303 POSSESSED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS FOUND AT MAR-A-LAGO IN THEIR 80 00:03:57,370 --> 00:04:01,307 CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION OF THE OVER 100 DOCUMENTS FOUND AT 81 00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:02,775 MAR-A-LAGO. 82 00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:04,744 SHE SAID THEY HAD TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THEY HAD BEEN REVIEWED BY 83 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:07,347 A SPECIAL MASTER, WHICH SHE SAID WOULD TAKE UNTIL NOVEMBER 30th. 84 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,115 NOVEMBER 30th. 85 00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:11,951 THAT WOULD GIVE THE PRESIDENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO HIDE ANY 86 00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:15,054 REMAINING EVIDENCE. 87 00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:19,192 I CAN IMAGINE HOW HE WOULD STUFF HIS THANKSGIVING TURKEY. 88 00:04:19,258 --> 00:04:21,294 AND... 89 00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:29,168 ( APPLAUSE ) THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WARNED 90 00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:31,704 CANNON THAT THEY WOULD APPEAL HER RIDICULOUS RULING UNLESS SHE 91 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:35,274 MODIFIED IT IN SOME WAY. 92 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,176 SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T, SO THEY APPEALED IT. 93 00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:38,478 AND LAST NIGHT, THE 11th CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS RULED THAT THE 94 00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:40,780 JUSTICE DEPARTMENT CAN USE THE MAR-A-LAGO DOCUMENTS IN ITS 95 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:41,547 CRIMINAL PROBE. 96 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:47,954 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, BOOM! 97 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:56,095 BOOM! 98 00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:56,696 AWWW, SHUCKY DUCKY! 99 00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:59,399 SOMETHING MEANS SOMETHING. 100 00:04:59,465 --> 00:04:59,999 IT'S HAPPENING! 101 00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:03,603 ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES. 102 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:04,771 I'M SO EXCITED... 103 00:05:04,837 --> 00:05:05,471 TO FIND OUT THE UNIMAGINABLE PERMANENT DAMAGE HE'S DONE TO 104 00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:05,938 OUR NATIONAL SECURITY. 105 00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:08,307 U.S.A.! 106 00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:11,944 THE APPEALS COURT OBLITERATED THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MOST- 107 00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:15,248 FREQUENT DEFENSE, WRITING, "THE PLAINTIFF SUGGESTS THAT HE 108 00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:17,216 MAY HAVE DECLASSIFIED THESE DOCUMENTS WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT. 109 00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:20,319 BUT THE RECORD CONTAINS NO EVIDENCE THAT ANY OF THESE 110 00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,287 RECORDS WERE DECLASSIFIED." 111 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,956 YES, THANK YOU. 112 00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:29,328 YOU CAN'T SAY THERE'S AN ALIBI AND THEN PRODUCE NO EVIDENCE OF 113 00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:30,229 YOUR ALIBI. 114 00:05:30,296 --> 00:05:31,731 "OFFICER, I COULDN'T HAVE ROBBED THAT BANK. 115 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:32,999 I WAS AT DINNER WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. 116 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,334 WHAT'S HER NAME AND WHERE DID WE HAVE DINNER'? 117 00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:38,404 THAT IS ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT 118 00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:43,176 I MADE THAT ( BLEEP ) UP. 119 00:05:43,242 --> 00:05:44,110 IMPORTANTLY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 120 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,144 SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE. 121 00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:46,512 SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE. 122 00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:50,950 FAMILY SHOW. 123 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,085 NOW, IMPORTANTLY, THE APPEALS COURT ALSO NOTED THAT 124 00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:55,722 "DECLASSIFYING AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT WOULD NOT CHANGE ITS 125 00:05:55,788 --> 00:06:00,893 CONTENT OR RENDER IT PERSONAL" AND, THEREFORE, 126 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,895 "THE DECLASSIFICATION ARGUMENT IS A RED HERRING." 127 00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,630 RED HERRING-- ALSO WHAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CALLS A 128 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,867 FILET-O'-FISH SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP. 129 00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:10,436 TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, TWO OF THE THREE JUDGES ON THE PANEL 130 00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:12,605 WERE APPOINTED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT. 131 00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:18,377 ( APPLAUSE ) OHHH, THAT'S GOTTA STING. 132 00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:20,213 IT'S LIKE GETTING A FATHER'S DAY MUG THAT SAYS "DAD OF THE 133 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:20,847 YEAR... 134 00:06:20,913 --> 00:06:21,614 IS NOW MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND. 135 00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:23,950 WE LOVE YOU, RICK!" ( LAUGHTER ) 136 00:06:24,016 --> 00:06:27,720 ( APPLAUSE ) RICK'S A GOOD GUY. 137 00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:29,689 RICK'S A REALLY SOLID GUY. 138 00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:33,292 YOU'D LIKE THIM OF HIM. 139 00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:35,828 LAST NIGHT, TO DEFEND HIMSELF, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAT DOWN 140 00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:44,937 WITH FOX NEWS HOST AND STEPDAD WHO RAN OVER THE HAMSTER, 141 00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:46,939 SEAN HANNITY. 142 00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:50,843 FIRST UP, THE FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMED THAT, DESPITE THERE 143 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:55,348 BEING ABSOLUTELY ZERO EVIDENCE, ALL THE DOCUMENTS FOUND AT 144 00:06:55,414 --> 00:06:57,116 MAR-A-LAGO HAD BEEN DECLASSIFIED THANKS TO A SPECIAL POWER: 145 00:06:57,183 --> 00:07:00,586 >> IF YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, YOU CAN 146 00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:02,822 DECLASSIFY JUST BY SAYING IT'S DECLASSIFIED, EVEN BY THINKING 147 00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:04,590 ABOUT IT. 148 00:07:04,657 --> 00:07:05,258 >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. 149 00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:06,192 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 150 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,494 OH, NO, THAT'S RIGHT! 151 00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:09,796 OH, NO, THAT'S TRUE. 152 00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:10,930 NO, NO, THAT'S TRUE. 153 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:15,468 THAT'S TRUE. 154 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,336 HE DECLASSIFIED THEM WITH HIS MIND. 155 00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:18,771 PICK A DOCUMENT. 156 00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:20,139 PECK A DOCUMENT. 157 00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:22,909 HAVE THE DOCUMENT? 158 00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:23,910 HOLD IT IN YOUR MIND, DON'T TELL ME WHAT IT IS... 159 00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:25,011 ARE THESE YOUR LAUNCH CODES?! 160 00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:31,918 ONE ITSY-BITSY PROBLEM: THE CLAIM THAT A PRESIDENT CAN 161 00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:34,554 DECLASSIFY DOCUMENTS JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT IS NOT 162 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:37,023 SUPPORTED BY PRIOR PRACTICE OR LEGAL PRECEDENT. 163 00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:41,027 OH, REALLY? 164 00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:41,694 HOW ABOUT... 165 00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:44,730 NOW!? 166 00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:45,031 STILL NO? 167 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,700 OKAY. 168 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:49,035 ALL RIGHT. 169 00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:54,607 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 170 00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:57,944 WHAT IS THAT? 171 00:07:58,010 --> 00:08:02,014 THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN USED 172 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:06,886 HIS MIND TO MAKE MORE DUMB WORDS COME OUT OF HIS STUPID MOUTH. 173 00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:09,622 >> THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A PROCESS. 174 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,557 THERE CAN BE A PROCESS, BUT THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE. 175 00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:12,892 YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT. 176 00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:14,227 YOU MAKE THAT DECISION. 177 00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:18,231 SO WHEN YOU SEND IT, IT'S DECLASSIFIED. 178 00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:22,235 WE-- I DECLASSIFIED EVERYTHING. 179 00:08:22,301 --> 00:08:26,239 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "EVERYTHING. 180 00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:28,908 THE. 181 00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:30,309 OKAY, I'LL HOP ON THAT CRAZY TRAIN. 182 00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:34,747 LET'S SAY HE TELEPATHICALLY DECLASSIFIED EVERYTHING LIKE HE 183 00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:38,217 WAS WEARING A TREASON CEREBRO. 184 00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:41,787 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT MEANS-- THAT MEANS HE 185 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:48,895 THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA SOMEHOW FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW 186 00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:51,931 FOREIGN NUCLEAR SECRETS AND THE SOMEHOW GETTING THE NAMES OF ALL 187 00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:54,901 OF AMERICA'S UNDERCOVER SPIES OUT THERE. 188 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,403 HOW IS THAT BETTER? 189 00:08:57,470 --> 00:09:02,675 ISN'T GETTING THE NAMES OF UNDERCOVER SPIES WHAT TOM CRUISE 190 00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:10,216 IS TRYING TO STEAL IN THE FIRST "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"? 191 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,052 AND I SOMEHOW CAN'T PICTURE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN THAT OUTFIT! 192 00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:13,619 JIMMIE, PUT THAT BACK UP. 193 00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:17,323 CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN? 194 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:17,957 OH, DAMN! 195 00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,158 OH, DAMN! 196 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:28,301 THE PRESIDENT-- TO QUOTE-- TO QUOTE FROM MY YOUTH, "BABY GOT 197 00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:28,801 BACK." 198 00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:29,468 YES? 199 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:31,237 I BELIEVE THE TERM IS "CAKE." 200 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,406 >> Louis: OH, HEY! 201 00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:36,876 >> Stephen: I THINK WE JUST BROKE THE INTERNET, YOU GUYS. 202 00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:40,046 THEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMED THAT HE DIDN'T PACK THE 203 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:42,615 BOXES, SO HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE BOXES. 204 00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:48,888 THEN HE SAID EXACTLY WHAT WAS IN THE BOXES. 205 00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,222 >> BOXES AND BOXES OF PICTURES, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES, TREMEN-- 206 00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:54,126 EVEN KITCHEN THINGS. 207 00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:57,029 YOU HAVE TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF DIFFERENT ITEMS. 208 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,464 MUCH CLOTHING. 209 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:06,238 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES, YES, OH, YES! 210 00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:06,906 MUCH CLOTHING. MANY SHIRT. 211 00:10:06,973 --> 00:10:10,076 VERY PANT. 212 00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:12,144 SUCH SOCK! 213 00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:19,485 THEN THE STABLE GENIUS COMPLAINED ABOUT WHAT THE F.B.I. 214 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,954 TOOK FROM THE BOXES. 215 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:22,989 I THINK THEY TOOK MY WILL. 216 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:24,090 I FOUND OUT YESTERDAY. 217 00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:26,592 I SAID, "WHERE IS IT?" >> Stephen: YOU KNOW THINGS ARE 218 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:28,961 GOING WELL WHEN A GUY SAYS, "I WAS LOOKING FOR MY WILL 219 00:10:29,028 --> 00:10:29,395 YESTERDAY. 220 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:29,862 WHY? 221 00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:33,799 NO REASON. 222 00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:37,670 NOW WHERE ARE MY THREE PASSPORTS AND MY BAG OF MUSTACHES?!" 223 00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:40,740 ( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THAT, THE FORMER-- 224 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:42,041 ( APPLAUSE ) SURE, WHY NOT? 225 00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:46,479 >> Louis: QUALITY JOKE. 226 00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:51,751 >> Stephen: YOU WILL ENJOY THESE JOKES. 227 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:55,888 AFTER THAT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S EXCUSES GOT WEIRDER: 228 00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,057 >> THERE'S ALSO A LOT OF SPECULATION BECAUSE OF WHAT 229 00:10:58,124 --> 00:11:00,493 THEY DID, THE SEVERITY OF THE F.B.I. COMING AND RAIDING 230 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:01,794 MAR-A-LAGO. 231 00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:04,563 WERE THEY LOOKING FOR THE HILLARY CLINTON EMAILS THAT WERE 232 00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:06,499 DELETED, BUT THEY ARE AROUND SOMEPLACE? 233 00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:08,034 WERE THEY LOOKING FOR THE SPYING? 234 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:08,934 >> WAIT, WAIT. 235 00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:09,902 YOU'RE NOT SAYING YOU HAD IT, DID YOU? 236 00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:12,038 >> NO, NO. 237 00:11:12,104 --> 00:11:13,205 THEY MAY BE SAYING-- THEY MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT IT WAS IN 238 00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:16,108 THERE. 239 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,810 >> Stephen: I'M SORRY. 240 00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:26,852 WHAT? 241 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,454 THAT'S SO CRAZY, HE CONFUSED SEAN HANNITY. 242 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,855 AND SEAN COMES PRE-CONFUSED. 243 00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:31,957 AT THIS POINT, HE'S JUST THROWING OUT MAGNETIC CONSPIRACY 244 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:35,428 THEORIES AT THE REFRIGERATOR TO SEE WHAT THEY SPELL OUT. 245 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:38,631 "MAYBE THEY WERE LOOKING IN MY BASEMENT FOR THE SASQUATCH WHO 246 00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,434 SHOT J.F.K. WITH HUNTER BIDEN'S LAPTOP WITH HIS PARTNER 247 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,737 THE CHUPACABRA WHO HUNG JEFFREY EPSTEIN WITH BARACK OBAMA'S LONG 248 00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:47,440 FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE. 249 00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:50,910 CHEMTRAILS." 250 00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:59,418 THEN, THEN-- ( APPLAUSE ) 251 00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:00,753 THE MAR-A-LAGO INVESTIGATION ISN'T THE ONLY LEGAL TROUBLE FOR 252 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,556 THE EX-PRESIDENT. 253 00:12:03,622 --> 00:12:05,424 YESTERDAY, THE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL, LETITIA JAMES, HELD A 254 00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:12,731 PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE A MASSIVE LAWSUIT AGAINST THE 255 00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:16,735 EX-PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS ( APPLAUSE ) 256 00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:19,472 FOR REPEATEDLY LYING ABOUT THE VALUE OF HIS ASSETS IN ORDER TO 257 00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:20,973 DEFRAUD THE BANKS WHO WERE GIVING HIM LOANS. 258 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:28,781 BUT ON HANNITY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TROTTED OUT A 259 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:32,718 WATER-TIGHT DEFENSE: "THE BANKS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I'M A LIAR." 260 00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:34,553 >> WE HAVE A DISCLAIMER RIGHT ON THE FRONT, AND IT BASICALLY 261 00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:35,421 SAYS, YOU KNOW, GET YOUR OWN PEOPLE. 262 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:40,726 YOU'RE AT YOUR OWN RISK. 263 00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:44,730 THIS WAS DONE BY MANAGEMENT. 264 00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:45,531 IT WASN'T DONE BY-- IT WAS DONE BY MANAGEMENT, SO DON'T RELY 265 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,000 ON THE STATEMENT THAT YOU'RE GETTING. 266 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:51,070 >> Stephen: THEN WHY HAVE A STATEMENT? 267 00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:54,773 WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT? 268 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,978 "WE PUT ON THE STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I AM LYING." 269 00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:00,312 I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HIM CLOSE A BUSINESS DEAL. 270 00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:02,948 "SHALL WE SHAKE ON IT? 271 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:04,850 PSYCH!" NOW, WHAT'S THIS? 272 00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:06,685 WHAT'S-- IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? 273 00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:10,389 IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. 274 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:14,627 I AM BEING TOLD THERE'S BREAKING SQUIRREL NEWS. 275 00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:16,195 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FOOTAGE THAT WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK OF A 276 00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,964 PENNSYLVANIA MAN AT HOME, TRYING TO CONDUCT A WORK ZOOM 277 00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:24,103 CALL. 278 00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:29,208 >> LET'S JUST GET IN TO... 279 00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:30,042 UHM. 280 00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:36,849 LET'S-- LET'S-- LET'S JUST GET INTO... 281 00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:38,951 >> OH, MY GO--AHHHH! 282 00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:39,618 IT'S IN HERE! 283 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:39,919 GO! 284 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:40,786 GO AWAY! 285 00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:41,654 IT'S IN HERE! 286 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:42,955 GO AWAY! 287 00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:47,760 GO AWAY! 288 00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:50,963 GO! 289 00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:54,967 GO! 290 00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:59,038 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: "UM, CHUCK, CAN YOU 291 00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:09,682 MUTE?" NOW, THAT MAY SEEM LIKE AN 292 00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:14,820 EXTREME REACTION TO A SQUIRREL GETTING LOOSE IN YOUR HOUSE BUT, 293 00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:16,689 APPARENTLY, IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME. 294 00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:18,390 AS HE EXPLAINED TO THE INTERNET: "OVER THE YEARS, I'VE BEEN 295 00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:21,660 TERRORIZED BY SQUIRRELS," ADDING: "WAAUUGH!! 296 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,796 AAUGGH!!! 297 00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:25,564 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 298 00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:29,935 I'LL BE TALKING TO THE STAR OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL," PHIL 299 00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:30,869 ROSENTHAL. 300 00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,771 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, NEIL DeEGRASSE TYSON. 301 00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:11,910 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, 302 00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:15,881 EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, LOUIS. 303 00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,050 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS A RENOWNED 304 00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:19,585 ASTROPHYSICIST WHO HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW BOOK, "STARRY 305 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:22,888 MESSENGER: COSMIC PERSPECTIVES ON CIVILIZATION." 306 00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:26,859 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," NEIL DeGRASSE TYSON! 307 00:15:26,925 --> 00:15:41,807 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 308 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:49,581 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 309 00:15:49,648 --> 00:15:55,587 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE IT IS. 310 00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:56,789 COME ON. 311 00:15:56,855 --> 00:16:01,193 COME ON. 312 00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:02,661 NEIL, MY FRIEND,s IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 313 00:16:02,728 --> 00:16:06,899 >> THERE WAS ONE SECTION WHO DIDN'T GIVE ME A STANDING 314 00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:10,069 OVATION. 315 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,303 WE'LL DEAL WITH THAT LATER. 316 00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:14,873 >> Stephen: THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT, MY 317 00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:15,574 FRIEND. 318 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,009 YOU WERE LAST HERE IN APRIL. 319 00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:18,877 >> OKAY, YEAH, YEAH. 320 00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:21,613 >> Stephen: CHECK YOUR CALENDAR. 321 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:22,848 IN APRIL. 322 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:26,285 SINCE THEN WE TALKED ABOUT THE WEBB TELESCOPE GOING OUT THERE. 323 00:16:26,352 --> 00:16:31,590 THE THE WEBB TELESCOPE IS OUT THERE, GIVING US NEW GLIMPSES TO 324 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:32,691 OF THE UNIVERSE. 325 00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:35,594 THIS IS A SUCCESSOR TO THE HUBBELL TELESCOPE, WHICH WAS 326 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,562 IMPRESSIVE AND IMPORTANT. 327 00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:38,630 WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NEW TELESCOPE SO FAR? 328 00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:41,934 >> IT'S ALL THAT. 329 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,736 >> Stephen: AND A BAG OF CHIPS. 330 00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:47,406 >> BY THE WAY, YOU KACIALGLY SAID IT UNFOLDED. 331 00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:56,281 MANY PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE THIS TELESCOPE IS WAY BIGGER THAN THE 332 00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:57,516 FERRING THAT LAUNCHED IT. 333 00:16:57,583 --> 00:17:01,487 THE ENGINEERS SAID LET'S FIGURE OUT HOW TO HOLD THE TELESCOPE, 334 00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:06,859 STICK IT IN THE FERRING AND UNFOLD IT A MILLION MILES OUT 335 00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:07,893 FROM WHERE IT'S PARKED. 336 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,497 >> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE A FLOWER. 337 00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:14,666 IT LOOKS LIKE A STAMEN. 338 00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:19,271 >> WE WERE SHOCKED FOR IT HAVING MET THE SPECS. 339 00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:22,808 BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY WAYS THAT COULD HAVE FAILED THAT WHEN 340 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:27,012 IT MET WHAT IT WAS DESIGNED TO DO, WE WERE ALL-- WE WERE 341 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:27,980 SHOCKED. 342 00:17:28,046 --> 00:17:29,848 >> Stephen: THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF SINGLE-POINT 343 00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:30,849 FAILURES. 344 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:32,584 IF THIS THING GOES WRONG, THE WHOLE THING FAILS. 345 00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:33,952 >> YEAH, YEAH. 346 00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:35,187 SO WE WERE DELIGHTED. 347 00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,656 AND IT DID EXACTLY WHAT WE EXPECTED IT TO DO. 348 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,560 IT LOOKED AT THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, FINDING GALAXIES BEING 349 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:42,761 BORN. 350 00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:46,932 AND YOU COULD-- BECAUSE IT'S INFRARED IT PEERS THROUGH NEARBY 351 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,434 GAS CLOUDS. 352 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,568 STARS ARE MADE OF GAS. 353 00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,303 THEY'RE MADE FROM GAS CLOUDS. 354 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:57,309 SO WHEN YOU PEER IN, YOU SEE THE STELLAR NURSERY THAT LURKS 355 00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:59,111 WITHIN. 356 00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:00,245 AND. 357 00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:02,614 >> Stephen: YOU SOUND-- YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE DOING THE 358 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:07,653 VOICEOVER FOR, LIKE, A TRAILER FOR A MOVIE. 359 00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:10,088 "THE STELLAR NURSERY THAT LURKS WITHIN." 360 00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:11,890 IS THAT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT HERE? 361 00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:14,560 >> YES, YES, I WANT TO LOOK AT IT. 362 00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:15,561 SORRY. 363 00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:16,462 >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. 364 00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:16,962 THEY DON'T DESERVE IT. 365 00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,197 >> IT'S TV. 366 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,231 IT'S TV. 367 00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:20,265 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 368 00:18:20,332 --> 00:18:21,967 YOU CAN LOOK AT IT UP THERE. 369 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:26,405 >> THIS IS A GAS CLOUD, DEEP WITHIN, IS FORMING BRAND NEW 370 00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:26,972 STARS. 371 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,407 IT'S A STELLAR NURSERY. 372 00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:35,881 IT'S FORMING NOT ONLY STARS, BUT PLANETS THAT ORBIT AROUND THAT, 373 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,082 EXOPLANETS. 374 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:42,521 WE NOW HAVE MORE THAN 5,000 EXOPLANETS IN THE CATALOG, WHICH 375 00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:45,190 IS TELESCOPE WILL BE, AMONG ITS MANY ABILITIES, IT WILL BE ABLE 376 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:49,962 TO MEASURE THE CHEMISTRY OF THE ATMOSPHERE OF EXOPLANETS THAT 377 00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:51,530 PASS IN FRONT OF ITS HOST STAR. 378 00:18:51,597 --> 00:18:55,901 >> Stephen: HOW WILL THIS IMPROVE OR IN ANY WAY CHANGE OUR 379 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,970 MODEL OF EXOPLANETS? 380 00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:59,471 >> HERE'S THE WAY TO THINK ABOUT IT. 381 00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:03,342 IF YOU CAME UP TO A HOUSE AND IT HAD A LAWN, YOUR VISION WAS NOT 382 00:19:03,408 --> 00:19:07,279 ALL THAT GOOD, YOU WOULD SAY, "THERE'S A GREEN KEARPT," 383 00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:07,746 SURROUNDING IT. 384 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:08,981 THAT'S ACCURATE. 385 00:19:09,047 --> 00:19:11,750 BUT IF YOU HAD BETTER VISION, MORE RESOLUTION, YOU SAY, "WAIT 386 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,052 A MINUTE, THERE ARE BLADES OF GRASS THERE." 387 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:17,589 SO THIS IS AN EXTRA DETAIL, DEEPER THAN WHAT YOU HAD FIRST 388 00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:18,223 THOUGHT. 389 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:18,857 IT DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR VIEW. 390 00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:20,959 IT ADDS TO IT. 391 00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:25,264 NOT EVERY SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY CHANGES WHAT WE THOUGHT BEFORE. 392 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:29,067 IT'S ACCRETIVE SO THE GROWTH OF OUR KNOWLEDGE-- HERE'S THE 393 00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:33,238 PROBLEM-- AS THE AREA OF OUR KNOWLEDGE GROWS, SO, TOO, DOES 394 00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:39,211 THE PERIMETER OF OUR IGNORANCE. 395 00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:44,283 ( APPLAUSE ) THE SAME. 396 00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:49,621 >> Stephen: DO YOU STAY UP-- DO YOU STAY UP LATE AT NIGHT 397 00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:52,891 "PERIMETER OF OUR IGNORANCE," AND WRITE IT DOWN. 398 00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,027 "I'M USING THAT SOME DAY SOON." 399 00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:57,296 >> I'M FEELING IT. 400 00:19:57,362 --> 00:20:00,165 WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IT -- >> Stephen: THE WORDS ARE 401 00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:01,099 FLOWING. 402 00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:02,434 YOU'RE SPITTING SCIENCE, IS WHAT WE'RE DOING. 403 00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:06,939 I WANT TO ASK YOU, TALKING ABOUT WORDSMITH, J.F.K. SAID A LITTLE 404 00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:08,941 OVER 60 YEARS AGO, WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON AND DO OTHER THINGS 405 00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:11,643 NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE EASY BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE HARD. 406 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:17,849 IN '72 WE WENT WE'RE DONE GOING THERE WITH APOLLO 17. 407 00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,184 WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN BACK? 408 00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:27,392 >> YOU DIDN'T QUOTE THE PART OF THE OF SPEECH IN MAY 1962, THE 409 00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:31,330 RUSSIANS JUST CAME OUT OF ORBIT, AND WE DIDN'T HAVE A SPACESHIP 410 00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:35,534 THAT WOULDN'T BLOW UP ON THE LAUNCH PAD THAT COULD CARRY 411 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:36,768 PEOPLE. 412 00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:38,670 THEY CALLED A JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS, AND HE ADDRESSED THEM. 413 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:42,608 THERE'S A WHOLE PARAGRAPH, THE EVENTS OF RECENT WEEKS-- HE 414 00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:47,245 COULDN'T UTTER THE MAN'S NAME-- "IF THE EVENTS OF RECENT WEEKS 415 00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:51,016 ARE ANY INDICATION OF THE IMPACT OF ADVENTURE ON THE MINDS OF MEN 416 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,419 EVERYWHERE WE NEED TO SHOW THE WORLD THE PATH OF FREEDOM OVER 417 00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,988 THE PATH OF TYRANNY." 418 00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:58,156 TEN HE SAID, "LET'S GO TO THE MOON." 419 00:20:58,223 --> 00:21:00,759 >> Stephen: IT WAS SPECIFICALLY A POLITICAL 420 00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:01,827 RESPONSE. 421 00:21:01,893 --> 00:21:03,528 >> HE GUARANTEED THEY WERE GOING TO WRITE THE CHECKS. 422 00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:06,064 WE DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THAT PART. 423 00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:08,400 >> Stephen: DO WE NEED TO BE IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEBODY? 424 00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:12,104 >> I DON'T WANT TO SAY THAT WOULD HELP, BUT THAT WOULD HELP. 425 00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:13,138 YES. 426 00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:16,074 >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT THE "ARTEMIS" MISSION. 427 00:21:16,141 --> 00:21:17,809 "ARTEMIS" IS SUPPOSED TO BE UP THERE. 428 00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:20,412 THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SEND A FEMALE CREW IN 2024. 429 00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:22,781 >> "ARTEMIS" IS THE TWIN SISTER OF APOLLO, BY THE WAY. 430 00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:25,317 >> Stephen: I DIG IT, DADDY-O. 431 00:21:25,384 --> 00:21:26,485 >> YOU'RE ALL IN. 432 00:21:26,551 --> 00:21:29,388 >> Stephen: THEY'VE TRIED TO LAUNCH TWICE AND HAD A LITTLE 433 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:30,288 BIT OF TROUBLE WITH THE MISSION. 434 00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:32,290 >> WE HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN 50 YEARS. 435 00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:34,960 GIVE THEM A BREAK. 436 00:21:35,027 --> 00:21:38,130 LET THEM HAVE A COUPLE OF DELAYED LAUNCHES. 437 00:21:38,196 --> 00:21:40,332 >> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS WITH THE DELAY? 438 00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:43,969 >> YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE-- YES, I READ IT. 439 00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:46,338 >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS. 440 00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:47,606 BECAUSE YOU'RE MAD AT ME. 441 00:21:47,673 --> 00:21:51,309 >> WE'RE RETURNING TO THE MOON, AND I'D LIKE TO SEE US CONTINUE 442 00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:52,110 ON TO MARS. 443 00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:53,779 BUT THE MOTIVATION HAS TO BE THERE. 444 00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:56,048 OTHERWISE, WE'RE JUST NOT GOING TO DO IT. 445 00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:57,249 WHAT'S THE MOTIVATION? 446 00:21:57,315 --> 00:22:00,686 EITHER YOU CAN MAKE A BUCK OR THERE'S A GEOPOLITICAL PURPOSE 447 00:22:00,752 --> 00:22:01,787 FOR DOING IT. 448 00:22:01,853 --> 00:22:03,355 WHAT MIGHT THAT BE? 449 00:22:03,422 --> 00:22:06,591 CHINA SAID THEY MIGHT PUT ASTRONAUTS ON THE MOON. 450 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:07,893 OH, MY GOSH. 451 00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:10,896 ALL OF A SUDDEN WE SAY THAT'S THE NEXT THING WE MUST DO. 452 00:22:10,962 --> 00:22:12,497 HERE'S WHAT I WANT CHINA TO DO -- 453 00:22:12,564 --> 00:22:15,333 >> Stephen: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE 454 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,168 ROCKET. 455 00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:17,502 I DIDN'T MEAN TO STRIKE A NERVE HERE. 456 00:22:17,569 --> 00:22:18,737 I'M SORRY, MAN. 457 00:22:18,804 --> 00:22:21,406 >> I WANT THE CHINESE TO LEAK A MEMO-- IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO 458 00:22:21,473 --> 00:22:25,677 BE TRUE-- LEAK A MEMO THAT SAYS THEY WANT TO PUT MILITARY BASES 459 00:22:25,744 --> 00:22:26,344 ON MARS. 460 00:22:26,411 --> 00:22:28,113 WE'LL BE IN MARS IN 10 MONTHS. 461 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:33,552 ONE MONTH TO DESIGN, FUND, AND BUILD THE SPACESHIP AND NINE 462 00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:35,320 MONTHS TO GET THERE. 463 00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:39,558 OR MAYBE ELON HAS ONE IN HIS GARAGE. 464 00:22:39,624 --> 00:22:41,426 THAT WOULD BE AN EASY SELL IN CHINA. 465 00:22:41,493 --> 00:22:42,227 JUST THINK ABOUT THAT. 466 00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:44,029 TO MARKET THAT. 467 00:22:44,096 --> 00:22:46,331 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'M ON BOARD. 468 00:22:46,398 --> 00:22:49,134 >> SO, ANYHOW -- >> Stephen: WAS THERE A 469 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:49,801 HYDROGEN LEAK? 470 00:22:49,868 --> 00:22:51,436 WHY DIDN'T THE ROCKET GO OFF? 471 00:22:51,503 --> 00:22:53,371 THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO KNOW. 472 00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:54,339 WHAT WAS WRONG. 473 00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:55,507 >> SOMETHING WITH THE FUEL. 474 00:22:55,574 --> 00:22:57,542 >> Stephen: SOMETHING WITH THE FUEL. 475 00:22:57,609 --> 00:22:58,443 SURE, YOU DON'T KNOW. 476 00:22:58,510 --> 00:23:01,513 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 477 00:23:01,580 --> 00:23:04,249 YOU STAY THERE, AND YOU STAY THERE, WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE 478 00:23:04,316 --> 00:23:06,051 NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY. 479 00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:06,618 STICK AROUND. 480 00:23:14,993 --> 00:23:16,628 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WORE BACK HERE WITH NEIL 481 00:23:16,695 --> 00:23:17,562 deGRASSE TYSON. 482 00:23:17,629 --> 00:23:20,699 I HEARD ABOUT THIS BOOK FROM YOU FOR A WHILE. 483 00:23:20,766 --> 00:23:21,600 >> THANK YOU. 484 00:23:21,666 --> 00:23:23,401 >> Stephen: I KNOW IT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU. 485 00:23:23,468 --> 00:23:25,403 IT'S CALLED "STARRY MESSENGER: COSMIC PERSPECTIVES ON 486 00:23:25,470 --> 00:23:26,638 CIVILIZATION." 487 00:23:26,705 --> 00:23:30,876 WHAT IS A COSMIC PERSPECTIVE, NEIL deGRASSE TYSON? 488 00:23:30,942 --> 00:23:32,144 >> OH, IT CHANGES YOU. 489 00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:35,013 IT'S WHAT THE WORLD AND ALL YOUR PROBLEMS AND ALL YOUR ISSUES AND 490 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,016 WHAT EVERYBODY IS ARGUING ABOUT, IT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE WHEN 491 00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:41,620 YOU ASCEND AND LOOK BACK ON EARTH,. 492 00:23:41,686 --> 00:23:42,888 AND THINK ABOUT IT. 493 00:23:42,954 --> 00:23:46,825 WHEN WE WENT TO THE MOON-- FORGET THE GEOPOLITICS OF IT. 494 00:23:46,892 --> 00:23:50,796 YES, WE WENT TO THE MOON TO EXPLORE THE MOON AND LOOKED BACK 495 00:23:50,862 --> 00:23:54,332 OVER OUR SHOULDERS AND DISCOVERED EARTH FOR THE FIRST 496 00:23:54,399 --> 00:23:55,167 TIME. 497 00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:58,103 AND THERE WAS EARTH IN ALL ITS MAJESTY. 498 00:23:58,170 --> 00:23:59,337 WITHOUT THE COLOR-CODED COUNTRIES THAT WE WERE TRAINED 499 00:23:59,404 --> 00:24:02,741 ON IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, SO THAT YOU KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE 500 00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:05,377 AND WHO YOUR ENEMIES ARE. 501 00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:09,881 THINK ABOUT HOW INCULCATING THAT IS IN AN EDUCATIONAL TRAJECTORY. 502 00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:15,020 HERE YOU ARE, THERE'S EARTH, AS ONLY NATURE INTENDED YOU TO SEE 503 00:24:15,086 --> 00:24:16,521 IT WITH OCEANS AND LAND AND CLOUDS. 504 00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:18,123 THAT CHANGES YOU. 505 00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:21,359 AND, IN FACT-- BY THE WAY, WE WENT THERE IN 1969. 506 00:24:21,426 --> 00:24:22,761 STOPPED GOING IN '72. 507 00:24:22,828 --> 00:24:25,397 YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED OVER THOSE THREE YEARS? 508 00:24:25,463 --> 00:24:32,671 WE CREATED THE ENVIRONMENTAL ENL PROTECTION AGENCY, THE NATIONAL 509 00:24:32,737 --> 00:24:34,940 OCEANINNIC AND ATMOSPHERIC ADMINISTRATION, NOAA, THE FIRST 510 00:24:35,006 --> 00:24:37,809 ALL OF THAT HAPPENED IN THE FOUR-YEAR PERIOD. 511 00:24:37,876 --> 00:24:40,745 THERE WAS A FIRMWARE UPGRADE. 512 00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,480 >> Stephen: IN OUR PERCEPTION. 513 00:24:42,547 --> 00:24:49,754 >> THERE WAS A FIRMWARE UPGRADE IN OUR PERCEPTION OF EARTH AS A 514 00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:52,424 HOLISTIC ENTITY THAT WE HAVE TO PROTECT. 515 00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:55,360 >> Stephen: WE IS HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 516 00:24:55,427 --> 00:24:57,429 I'LL ASK NEIL HOW ONE MIGHT ACQUIRE A COSMIC PERSPECTIVE. 517 00:25:11,409 --> 00:25:12,844 THEY'RE WATCHING THE SAME THING, RIGHT? 518 00:25:12,911 --> 00:25:14,646 >> SAME THING, BUT IT'S BETTER WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE. 519 00:25:14,713 --> 00:25:18,450 >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "STARRY 520 00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:19,985 MESSENGER: COSMIC PERSPECTIVES ON CIVILIZATION." 521 00:25:20,051 --> 00:25:20,719 NEIL deGRASSE TYSON. 522 00:25:20,785 --> 00:25:23,922 I WANT THE COSMIC PERSPECTIVE. 523 00:25:23,989 --> 00:25:25,557 NOT ALL OF US CAN GO TO SPACE. 524 00:25:25,624 --> 00:25:27,726 CAN I GET IT JUST SITTING IN TRAFFIC? 525 00:25:27,792 --> 00:25:28,960 >> NO, NO. 526 00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:37,802 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU GIT IT, NEIL, OTHER THAN BUYING "STARRY 527 00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:39,938 MESSENGER, THE COSMIC PERSPECTIVE." 528 00:25:40,005 --> 00:25:41,606 >> I'LL PUT YOU AT THE TOP OF THE LIST. 529 00:25:41,673 --> 00:25:43,775 I'LL PUT ALL THE WARRING LEADERS OF THE WORLD. 530 00:25:43,842 --> 00:25:47,545 GET ELON TO BUILD A SPACE BUS-- IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT THERE'S 531 00:25:47,612 --> 00:25:49,981 ALREADY, LIKE, AN AIR BUS COMPANY. 532 00:25:50,048 --> 00:25:52,951 IT'S NOT A ROMANTIC TERM, BUT LET'S KEEP GOING. 533 00:25:53,018 --> 00:25:53,818 SPACE BUS. 534 00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:55,553 ELON, BUILD US A SPACE BUS. 535 00:25:55,620 --> 00:26:00,292 FLY ALL THE WARRING FACTIONING OF THE U.N. INTO SPACE SP HAVE 536 00:26:00,358 --> 00:26:05,797 THEM LOOK DOWN ON EARTH AND ALL THE NATIONAL BORDERS DISSOLVE. 537 00:26:05,864 --> 00:26:08,266 ( APPLAUSE ) THEY'LL REALIZE HOW SMALL AND 538 00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:12,037 FRAGILE WE ARE HERE ON EARTH AND WHAT WE HAVE TO PROTECT. 539 00:26:12,103 --> 00:26:16,608 BY THE WAY, ALL OF OUR ARGUMENTS, THINGS THAT YOU WERE 540 00:26:16,675 --> 00:26:19,678 DEEPLY DUG INTO AND YOU THINK YOU'VE THOUGHT THEM THROUGH, 541 00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:25,483 THEY WILL OFTEN CRUMBLE UNDER. 542 00:26:25,550 --> 00:26:27,485 RATIONAL ANALYSIS FLAVORED BY A COSMIC PERSPECTIVE. 543 00:26:27,552 --> 00:26:28,086 A QUICK EXAMPLE. 544 00:26:28,153 --> 00:26:28,720 I'LL BE QUICK. 545 00:26:28,787 --> 00:26:29,788 >> Stephen: I HOPE YOU WILL. 546 00:26:29,854 --> 00:26:30,689 >> OKAY, OKAY. 547 00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:31,723 >> Stephen: AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE QUICK. 548 00:26:31,790 --> 00:26:34,359 THE MORE YOU TALK, THE LESS I WORK. 549 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:35,460 >> OKAY. 550 00:26:35,527 --> 00:26:36,394 NO, THERE ARE THOUGHTS WE HAVE. 551 00:26:36,461 --> 00:26:38,930 FOR EXAMPLE, LET'S SAY YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN. 552 00:26:38,997 --> 00:26:43,335 THERE'S A CHAPTER CALLED "MEAT EATERS AND VEGETARIANS." 553 00:26:43,401 --> 00:26:44,235 YEAH, I WENT THERE. 554 00:26:44,302 --> 00:26:47,872 PEOPLE SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO KILL ANIMALS." 555 00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:49,975 I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT. 556 00:26:50,041 --> 00:26:52,510 THEY PROBABLY HAVE A HUMANE MOUSE TRAP IN THEIR BASEMENT. 557 00:26:52,577 --> 00:26:54,846 THEY DON'T WANT TO SNAP THE NECK OF THE MOUSE. 558 00:26:54,913 --> 00:26:58,750 SO THEY CAPTURE THE MOUSE-- YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK ON IT EVERY 559 00:26:58,817 --> 00:27:00,585 COUPLE OF DAYS BECAUSE THEY DRY OUT REAL QUICK. 560 00:27:00,652 --> 00:27:03,321 THIS IT IS, AND THEY SET IT LOOSE INTO THE WILD, WHERE THEY 561 00:27:03,388 --> 00:27:12,964 HAVE GUARANTEED IT WILL BE SWALLOW OLD WHOLE BY, AND PICKED 562 00:27:13,031 --> 00:27:15,500 APART BY WOODLAND PREDATORS. 563 00:27:15,567 --> 00:27:19,204 THE AVERAGE LIFE OF A MOUSE IN THE WILD IS NINE TO 18 MONTHS. 564 00:27:19,270 --> 00:27:22,907 BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR A MOUSE IS LEAVE IT IN YOUR 565 00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:23,675 BASEMENT. 566 00:27:23,742 --> 00:27:25,377 IT WILL LIVE UP TO SIX YEARS THERE. 567 00:27:25,443 --> 00:27:26,578 THAT'S HOW YOU PROTECT THE LIFE. 568 00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:28,446 BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY'RE DOING. 569 00:27:28,513 --> 00:27:31,950 MEANWHILE, THE HOUSE IS MADE OF WOOD FROM 50 TREES WITH FLOOR 570 00:27:32,017 --> 00:27:35,286 BOARDS AND 2 BY 4s AND STRUCTURAL MEMBERS. 571 00:27:35,353 --> 00:27:36,488 AND TREES? 572 00:27:36,554 --> 00:27:41,826 EACH TREE, EVERY DAY, PRODUCES 15 TIMES THE MASS OF THE MOUSE 573 00:27:41,893 --> 00:27:42,961 IN OXYGEN. 574 00:27:43,028 --> 00:27:47,932 AND THE TREE IS HOME TO BIRDS AND INSECTS AND FUNGUS AND 575 00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:48,833 SQUIRRELS. 576 00:27:48,900 --> 00:27:50,969 WHO DO YOU THINK NATURE CARES MORE ABOUT? 577 00:27:51,036 --> 00:27:52,437 YOUR MOUSE OR THE TREE? 578 00:27:52,504 --> 00:27:56,074 AND YOU'LL SAY, "WELL, THE MOUSE HAS A BEATING HEART. 579 00:27:56,141 --> 00:27:57,008 TREE DOESN'T." 580 00:27:57,075 --> 00:27:59,210 MAYBE THE TREE DOESN'T NEED A BEATING HEART. 581 00:27:59,277 --> 00:28:01,546 THAT'S YOUR CRITERION FOR WHAT'S IMPORTANT? 582 00:28:01,613 --> 00:28:04,315 IF YOU CUT A TREE, DOES IT NOT BLEED? 583 00:28:04,382 --> 00:28:07,452 IF YOU CLOAK A TREE, DOES IT NOT SUFFOCATE? 584 00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:13,825 IF YOU CUT OFF ITS NUTRIENTS, DOES IT NOT WHITHER AND DIE? 585 00:28:13,892 --> 00:28:15,894 AND SOME OF TREES LIVE 1,000 YEARS. 586 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,896 THE GIANT SEQUOIA IN THE GIANT NORTHWEST. 587 00:28:17,962 --> 00:28:19,898 YOU'RING ABOUT TO CUT THEM DOWN, BUILD YOUR HOUSE, AND SAVE A 588 00:28:19,964 --> 00:28:20,598 CHUBBY MOUSE. 589 00:28:20,665 --> 00:28:22,901 >> Stephen: WOW ( APPLAUSE ). 590 00:28:22,967 --> 00:28:25,503 >> I'VE GOT ONE MORE-- SORRY -- >> Stephen: WHAT I'M HEARING-- 591 00:28:25,570 --> 00:28:29,240 I WANT TO HEAR ONE MORE, BUT WHAT I'M HEARING IS EITHER SAVE 592 00:28:29,307 --> 00:28:30,775 ALL OF THEM OR SAVE NOTHING. 593 00:28:30,842 --> 00:28:32,010 I CAN'T TELL. 594 00:28:32,077 --> 00:28:35,914 >> I'M NOT HERE TO GIVE YOU YOUR OPINION, I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE 595 00:28:35,980 --> 00:28:39,751 WHATEVER OPINION YOU DO HAVE IS MORE FULLY INFORMED THAN IT WAS 596 00:28:39,818 --> 00:28:40,585 TO BEGIN WITH. 597 00:28:40,652 --> 00:28:42,854 >> Stephen: YOUR OTHER EXAMPLE, PLEASE. 598 00:28:42,921 --> 00:28:43,922 >> ANOTHER QUICK EXAMPLE. 599 00:28:43,988 --> 00:28:47,459 >> Stephen: AGAIN, THIS ALL CAN BE FOUND IN "STARRY 600 00:28:47,525 --> 00:28:48,660 MESSENGER," NEIL deGRASSE TYSON. 601 00:28:48,726 --> 00:28:51,896 >> NEXT BEST THING TO GOING INTO SPACE IF YOU READ THIS BOOK. 602 00:28:51,963 --> 00:28:56,367 SO I OFTEN INTRODUCE ALIENS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY 603 00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:59,537 PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS OF WHO OR WHAT WE ARE AND WE GET A SENSE 604 00:28:59,604 --> 00:29:01,206 OF WHAT-THEY MIGHT SAY. 605 00:29:01,272 --> 00:29:07,545 >> Stephen: THEORETICAL ALIEN >> YES, THEORETICAL ALIENS. 606 00:29:07,612 --> 00:29:13,651 I CAN'T DISCLOSE... IMAGINE PHOTO SYNTHESIZING CENTIEN 607 00:29:13,718 --> 00:29:14,853 ALIENS. 608 00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:17,655 THEY'RE IN A SPACESHIP AND SAW EARTH, HAS A GOOD BIODIVERSITY 609 00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:21,092 OF PLANTS AND IT'S ON THEIR TOUR BOOK, THEY HAVE RAINFORESTS AND 610 00:29:21,159 --> 00:29:21,593 THINGS. 611 00:29:21,659 --> 00:29:23,261 THEY COME TO VISIT. 612 00:29:23,328 --> 00:29:27,332 THEN THEY MEET VEGETARIANS WHO EXPRESSLY EAT PLANTS. 613 00:29:27,398 --> 00:29:28,299 AND THEY'LL FREAK OUT. 614 00:29:28,366 --> 00:29:29,734 AND IT'S NOT JUST PLANTS. 615 00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:33,671 THEY NOTICE THAT VEGETARIANS TARGET THE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS 616 00:29:33,738 --> 00:29:38,076 OF PLANT IT'S FLOWERS, THE BERRIES, THE NUTS, ALL OF THE 617 00:29:38,143 --> 00:29:41,012 THINGS-- THE PLANT'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE ANOTHER VERSION OF 618 00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:41,546 ITSELF. 619 00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:42,680 NOPE, LET'S EAT IT! 620 00:29:42,747 --> 00:29:50,488 IN FACT, LAST NIGHT I HAD ZUCCHINI BLOSSOMS FOR DINNER, 621 00:29:50,555 --> 00:29:51,489 OKAY. 622 00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:53,825 DOES THE ZUCCHINI TRY TO MAKE ANOTHER ZUCCHINI? 623 00:29:53,892 --> 00:29:56,361 BUT NO, I ATE IT. 624 00:29:56,427 --> 00:29:59,898 BUT IMAGINE-- WAIT-- IMAGINE THE ALIENS, THEY GO CHECK IN ON 625 00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:02,901 WHOLE FOODS AND THEY SEE PEOPLE SHOPPING IN THE PRODUCE AISLE. 626 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:07,639 AND THEY NOTICE THESE SAME VEGETARIANS THEY'RE INTO 627 00:30:07,705 --> 00:30:17,949 INFANTICIDE BECAUSE THEY'RE SELECTING BABY CARDS ROTS, BABY 628 00:30:18,016 --> 00:30:22,820 SPINAC, BAB ARTICHOKES, BABY ARUGULA. 629 00:30:22,887 --> 00:30:24,022 BABY EVERYTHING. 630 00:30:24,088 --> 00:30:27,559 AND THESE ALIENS THEY SAY, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE ON 631 00:30:27,625 --> 00:30:28,159 EARTH? 632 00:30:28,226 --> 00:30:29,327 WHAT?" AND THEY RUN BACK. 633 00:30:29,394 --> 00:30:31,396 >> Stephen: AND THEY ATTACK US? 634 00:30:31,462 --> 00:30:35,366 >> AND THEY ATTACK GLUS IS THAT WHERE THIS MOVIE IS GOING, THEY 635 00:30:35,433 --> 00:30:36,134 EVENTUALLY ATTACK US? 636 00:30:36,201 --> 00:30:39,804 >> IT OFFERS COSMIC PERSPECTIVES. 637 00:30:39,871 --> 00:30:41,139 IT'S ANOTHER WAY TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO. 638 00:30:41,206 --> 00:30:44,209 YOU MIGHT FEEL MORE STRONGLY ABOUT WHAT YOU DO OR LESS. 639 00:30:44,275 --> 00:30:46,844 BUT IT'S ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT HOW YOU HAVE FORMULATED WHAT IT 640 00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:50,415 IS YOU THINK AND DO AND WHO YOU'RE GOING TO ARGUE WITH, 641 00:30:50,481 --> 00:30:51,583 ESPECIALLY AT THANKSGIVING. 642 00:30:51,649 --> 00:30:54,519 >> Stephen: TO COME UP-- TO COME UP WITH THE IDEA OF THE 643 00:30:54,586 --> 00:31:01,960 SENTIENT PLANTS, DID YOU SMOKE ANY BABY PLANTS? 644 00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:09,934 ( APPLAUSE ) >> BY THE WAY, DID YOU KNOW E.T. 645 00:31:10,001 --> 00:31:12,136 WAS A SENTIENT PLANT NORTH AN ANIMAL. 646 00:31:12,203 --> 00:31:15,673 >> Stephen: E.T. IS A PLANT ♪ TURN ON YOUR HEART LIGHT ♪ 647 00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:16,674 HE HAD A HEART. 648 00:31:16,741 --> 00:31:19,110 >> THEY GAVE A HEART SO YOU COULD RELATE TO IT. 649 00:31:19,177 --> 00:31:20,011 BUT IT WAS A PLANT. 650 00:31:20,078 --> 00:31:21,246 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS A PLANT. 651 00:31:21,312 --> 00:31:25,683 >> DO YOU REMEMBER E.T. WOULD TOUCH THE PLANTS AND IT WOULD GO 652 00:31:25,750 --> 00:31:26,251 BACK? 653 00:31:26,317 --> 00:31:27,452 THAT'S NOT AN ACCIDENT. 654 00:31:27,518 --> 00:31:29,687 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? 655 00:31:29,754 --> 00:31:32,023 >> STEPHEN SPIELBERG TOLD ME THIS IN MY OFFICE. 656 00:31:32,090 --> 00:31:32,457 >> Stephen: REALLY? 657 00:31:32,523 --> 00:31:33,925 IS THAT TRUE? 658 00:31:33,992 --> 00:31:35,994 IS THAT TRUE? 659 00:31:44,035 --> 00:31:46,037 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "STARRY MESSENGER: 660 00:31:48,039 --> 00:31:49,474 NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY. 661 00:31:49,540 --> 00:31:51,542 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE STAR OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL," 662 00:32:03,988 --> 00:32:12,597 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW! 663 00:32:12,664 --> 00:32:16,301 FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS THE CREATOR OF "EVERYBODY LOVES 664 00:32:16,367 --> 00:32:20,605 RAYMOND" AND THE HOST OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL," WHICH 665 00:32:20,672 --> 00:32:22,373 RETURNS TO NETFLIX NEXT MONTH FOR ITS SIXTH SEASON. 666 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:28,613 PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," PHIL ROSENTHAL! 667 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:36,921 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 668 00:32:36,988 --> 00:32:37,755 >> Stephen: VERY NICE. 669 00:32:37,822 --> 00:32:39,891 >> NICE PEOPLE! 670 00:32:39,957 --> 00:32:40,591 HI! 671 00:32:40,658 --> 00:32:41,092 HI! 672 00:32:41,159 --> 00:32:41,959 HI! 673 00:32:42,026 --> 00:32:43,061 >> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW. 674 00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:44,595 NOT THE FIRST TIME WE MET. 675 00:32:44,662 --> 00:32:47,865 WE MET BACKSTAGE AT THE OLD SHOW, AT ONE POINT. 676 00:32:47,932 --> 00:32:52,837 >> I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I LOVED THAT SHOW SO MUCH. 677 00:32:52,904 --> 00:32:53,571 YOU'RE MY SALUTE FAVORITE. 678 00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:55,239 I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH. 679 00:32:55,306 --> 00:32:57,975 >> Stephen: THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU TO SAY. 680 00:32:58,042 --> 00:33:01,012 YOU'RE MY FAVORITE GUEST AT THIS POINT. 681 00:33:01,079 --> 00:33:04,615 >> THIS IS A BIG NIGHT FOR ME BECAUSE I-- YOU HAVE NEIL 682 00:33:04,682 --> 00:33:05,583 deGRASSE TYSON. 683 00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:09,754 I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT WHEN I WAS LITTLE. 684 00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:11,656 AND -- >> Stephen: WHO DIDN'T? 685 00:33:11,723 --> 00:33:15,360 >> ASTRONOMY BOOKS-- CHILDREN OF THE 60, RIGHT. 686 00:33:15,426 --> 00:33:16,661 >> Stephen: APOLLO, OF COURSE? 687 00:33:16,728 --> 00:33:19,297 >> I PORED OVER THOSE BOOKS. 688 00:33:19,364 --> 00:33:21,799 TO GO TO THE MOON, IT WAS JUST UNBELIEVABLE. 689 00:33:21,866 --> 00:33:24,702 AND THEN I THOUGHT THE COOLEST THING ABOUT BEING AN ASTRONAUT 690 00:33:24,769 --> 00:33:28,606 WAS THAT THEY GOT TO BE ON THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW. 691 00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:29,841 >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE. 692 00:33:29,907 --> 00:33:30,842 THEY WOULD COME BY HERE. 693 00:33:30,908 --> 00:33:32,176 THIS IS ONE OF THE STOPS. 694 00:33:32,243 --> 00:33:34,479 >> SO THIS IS FULL CIRCLE FOR ME. 695 00:33:34,545 --> 00:33:38,182 >> Stephen: NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE ONE OF THE 696 00:33:38,249 --> 00:33:39,016 CREATORS OF "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND." 697 00:33:39,083 --> 00:33:40,685 YOU'RE A COMEDY WRITER. 698 00:33:40,752 --> 00:33:41,619 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 699 00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:46,724 DID YOU-- YOU KNOW, YOU WERE A COMEDY WRITER. 700 00:33:46,791 --> 00:33:49,794 DID YOU WANT TO WORK ON A LATE-NIGHT SHOW WHEN YOU WERE 701 00:33:49,861 --> 00:33:50,528 YOUNGER? 702 00:33:50,595 --> 00:33:51,429 DID YOU WATCH-- >> JONNY CARSON. 703 00:33:51,496 --> 00:33:52,263 >> Stephen: OF COURSE. 704 00:33:52,330 --> 00:33:53,898 >> JONNY CARSON. 705 00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:56,601 DID YOU EVER GET TO MEET JONNY? 706 00:33:56,667 --> 00:33:58,169 >> Stephen: NO, I REALLY WISH I HAD. 707 00:33:58,236 --> 00:33:59,971 I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO. 708 00:34:00,037 --> 00:34:02,073 BUT JONNY, OF COURSE, WAS GOD. 709 00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:02,607 AND. 710 00:34:02,673 --> 00:34:03,908 >> I GOT TO MEET HIM. 711 00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:05,209 >> Stephen: I'M SO JEALOUS. 712 00:34:05,276 --> 00:34:06,844 WHEN DID YOU MEET JONNY? 713 00:34:06,911 --> 00:34:11,315 >> I WROTE JOKES FOR PRESIDENT CLINTON, AND THERE'S, LIKE, A 714 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:15,386 HRM SEASON IN WASHINGTON, NOT YEAR-ROUND LIKE NOW. 715 00:34:15,453 --> 00:34:17,288 >> Stephen: THE AL SMITH DINNER. 716 00:34:17,355 --> 00:34:18,423 THE GRIDIRON, STUFF LIKE THAT. 717 00:34:18,489 --> 00:34:22,493 >> AND THE BIG ONE, WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER. 718 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:28,599 AND THOSE WERE WHEN THEY NEEDED MOST JOKES, MY FRIEND, MARK 719 00:34:28,666 --> 00:34:32,703 KATZ, WAS THEIR COMEDY PERSON, AND THEY WOULD BRING HIM IN, AND 720 00:34:32,770 --> 00:34:35,039 THEY BROUGHT ME IN, BECAUSE I WAS FROM "EVERYBODY LOVES 721 00:34:35,106 --> 00:34:36,674 RAYMOND," AND I GUESS THEY LIKED THAT. 722 00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:37,975 I WOULD WRITE JOKES. 723 00:34:38,042 --> 00:34:40,611 AND I WANTED TO DO A VIDEO, BUT AT THE TIME, THE PRESIDENT 724 00:34:40,678 --> 00:34:43,648 DIDN'T DO VIDEOS, AND THEY THOUGHT I WAS NUTS. 725 00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:46,951 AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE, OBAMA WAS SO GREAT AT IT. 726 00:34:47,018 --> 00:34:47,585 BETWEEN TWO FERNS. 727 00:34:47,652 --> 00:34:48,920 HE WAS LIKE A MASTER AT IT. 728 00:34:48,986 --> 00:34:54,025 BUT THE LAST YEAR, HIS LAST CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER, I GOT TO 729 00:34:54,091 --> 00:34:56,260 DIRECT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN THIS COMEDY 730 00:34:56,327 --> 00:34:56,861 VIDEO. 731 00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:58,763 YOU CAN SEE IT ON YOUTUBE. 732 00:34:58,830 --> 00:35:00,064 IT'S CALLED "THE FINAL DAYS." 733 00:35:00,131 --> 00:35:02,934 AND I DID IT WITH MY BROTHER. 734 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:05,336 AND MARK KATZ, AND THE PEOPLE AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 735 00:35:05,403 --> 00:35:08,606 AND THIS THING HIT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER, 736 00:35:08,673 --> 00:35:10,475 AND MY LIFE CHANGED. 737 00:35:10,541 --> 00:35:12,610 AND THE NEXT DAY MY FRIEND TONY CALLED ME. 738 00:35:12,677 --> 00:35:15,947 HE SAID, "I SHOWED IT TO A FRIEND OF MINE, HE WANTS TO HAVE 739 00:35:16,013 --> 00:35:17,048 LURCH WITH YOU." 740 00:35:17,114 --> 00:35:22,186 I SAID, "WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?" HE SAID, "JONNY CARSON." 741 00:35:22,253 --> 00:35:24,589 >> Stephen: WOW, WOW, YOU WERE OUT IN L.A.? 742 00:35:24,655 --> 00:35:25,823 >> YES. 743 00:35:25,890 --> 00:35:30,828 >> WHEN I GOT BACK TO L.A., I HAD I GUESS SOME CHUTZPAH TO ASK 744 00:35:30,895 --> 00:35:32,163 COULD I BRING A FRIEND? 745 00:35:32,230 --> 00:35:33,998 BECAUSE I KNEW -- >> Stephen: YOU NEED A 746 00:35:34,065 --> 00:35:35,199 WITNESS. 747 00:35:35,266 --> 00:35:36,601 >> WELL, THIS FELLOW THAT I WAS WORKING WITH, LIKE YOU JUST 748 00:35:36,667 --> 00:35:42,373 SAID, TO ME IT'S JOHNNY CARSON, BUT TO YOU, JUST SAID IT, IT'S 749 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:43,207 GOD. 750 00:35:43,274 --> 00:35:47,311 I BROUGHT MY FRIEND RAY ROMANO WITH ME. 751 00:35:47,378 --> 00:35:48,446 AND WE HAD LUNCH. 752 00:35:48,513 --> 00:35:49,514 WE WENT TO HIS OFFICE. 753 00:35:49,580 --> 00:35:51,415 IT WAS IN SANTA MONICA. 754 00:35:51,482 --> 00:35:55,686 HE COMES OUT-- I WILL NEVER FORGET THE WAS WEARING A YELLOW 755 00:35:55,753 --> 00:35:56,687 SWEATER, WHITE PANTS. 756 00:35:56,754 --> 00:35:59,123 HE LOOKED LIKE HE HAD JUST BEEN PLAYING TENNIS. 757 00:35:59,190 --> 00:35:59,891 HE LOOKED FANTASTIC. 758 00:35:59,957 --> 00:36:00,958 >> Stephen: PROBABLY HAD BEEN. 759 00:36:01,025 --> 00:36:03,628 >> WE WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND WE HAD LUNCH FOR TWO HOURS. 760 00:36:03,694 --> 00:36:06,364 >> Stephen: WOW, DID YOU ASK HIM-- LIKE, WHAT DID YOU SAY? 761 00:36:06,430 --> 00:36:08,599 WHAT DO YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT FOR TWO HOURS? 762 00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:11,836 >> YOU BECOME THE JOHN CANDY CHARACTER. 763 00:36:11,903 --> 00:36:13,304 "REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS? 764 00:36:13,371 --> 00:36:14,438 THAT WAS GREAT." 765 00:36:14,505 --> 00:36:17,008 SO WE'RE DOING THESE BITS THAT WE REMEMBER FROM THE SHOW. 766 00:36:17,074 --> 00:36:20,611 AND HE STARTS DOING HIS PART. 767 00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:23,147 HE STARTS -- >> Stephen: LIKE ART FERN BACK 768 00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:23,681 TO YOU. 769 00:36:23,748 --> 00:36:24,615 >> ANYTHING HE WANTED. 770 00:36:24,682 --> 00:36:25,783 >> Stephen: KARNAC. 771 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:29,287 >> I FEEL LIKE IT'S HOW YOU WOULD BE-- SO NICE, SO SWEET. 772 00:36:29,353 --> 00:36:31,289 HE WAS SO WARM AND GRACIOUS. 773 00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:33,791 >> Stephen: WHY DIDN'T YOU QUIT SHOW BUSINESS AT THAT 774 00:36:33,858 --> 00:36:34,458 MOMENT? 775 00:36:34,525 --> 00:36:35,026 BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PEAKING. 776 00:36:35,092 --> 00:36:40,598 >> I HAD TO GET TO YOU. 777 00:36:40,665 --> 00:36:45,202 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL 778 00:36:45,269 --> 00:36:45,670 CANDLE. 779 00:36:45,736 --> 00:36:46,170 I REALLY LOVED IT. 780 00:36:46,237 --> 00:36:47,171 >> IT'S TRUE. 781 00:36:47,238 --> 00:36:49,240 >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR NETFLIX SERIES. 782 00:36:49,307 --> 00:36:51,609 AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SIXTH SEASON. 783 00:36:51,676 --> 00:36:52,610 >> SIX! 784 00:36:52,677 --> 00:36:54,412 >> Stephen: "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL." 785 00:36:54,478 --> 00:36:58,716 YOU GO ALL AROUND THE WORLD AND EAT ALL KINDS OF FOOD, AND YET 786 00:36:58,783 --> 00:36:59,216 YOU'RE THIN. 787 00:36:59,283 --> 00:37:00,217 >> SOMEBODY HAS TO. 788 00:37:00,284 --> 00:37:01,719 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE SOME STUFF BACK HERE. 789 00:37:01,786 --> 00:37:03,054 >> I DO. 790 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,790 YOU NEED TON, WHEN I HEARD YOU LIKE FOOD AS WELL -- 791 00:37:05,856 --> 00:37:06,891 >> Stephen: I LOVE FOOD. 792 00:37:06,958 --> 00:37:09,427 IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO PUT IN MY MOUTH. 793 00:37:09,493 --> 00:37:10,194 >> YES! 794 00:37:10,261 --> 00:37:11,529 YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS PLACE. 795 00:37:11,596 --> 00:37:13,331 YOU'VE BEEN TO FLORENCE, ITALY. 796 00:37:13,397 --> 00:37:14,565 >> Stephen: I HAVE, YES. 797 00:37:14,632 --> 00:37:20,605 >> THE MOST FAMOUS SANDWICH SHOP IN FLORENCE IS CALLED ANTIE KO 798 00:37:20,671 --> 00:37:22,106 VA NIO. 799 00:37:22,173 --> 00:37:25,910 THEY OPENED AT NINTH AND 46th. 800 00:37:25,977 --> 00:37:28,879 >> A SANDWICH SHOP FROM LAWRENCE OPENED HERE? 801 00:37:28,946 --> 00:37:29,580 >> YES. 802 00:37:29,647 --> 00:37:32,116 I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. 803 00:37:32,183 --> 00:37:32,917 I'M NOT ADVERTISING. 804 00:37:32,984 --> 00:37:34,885 >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE-- 805 00:37:34,952 --> 00:37:35,786 >> OKAY. 806 00:37:35,853 --> 00:37:36,787 HOW FUN IS THIS EVERYBODY? 807 00:37:36,854 --> 00:37:42,994 DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME RIGHT NOW? 808 00:37:43,060 --> 00:37:46,364 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M THE LUCKIEST-- YOU WILL NOT 809 00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:47,832 -- >> Stephen: YOU SEEM HAPPY TO 810 00:37:47,898 --> 00:37:48,199 MEET EVERYBODY. 811 00:37:48,265 --> 00:37:48,666 >> I AM. 812 00:37:48,733 --> 00:37:49,567 >> Stephen: YES? 813 00:37:49,634 --> 00:37:50,735 >> I AM. 814 00:37:50,801 --> 00:37:55,172 >> Stephen: THERE'S NO ONE YOU'RE NOT HAPPY-- YOU'VE NEVER 815 00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:56,173 BEEN NOT HAPPY TO MEET SOMEBODY? 816 00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:57,708 >> THE DENNIST. 817 00:37:57,775 --> 00:37:58,809 LET'S EAT A SANDWICH. 818 00:37:58,876 --> 00:38:00,211 I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT. 819 00:38:00,277 --> 00:38:01,879 >> Stephen: WHAT AM I EATING HERE? 820 00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:03,714 >> I THINK LET'S OPEN IT. 821 00:38:03,781 --> 00:38:05,816 THEY DIDN'T BASEBALL IT, DID THEY. 822 00:38:05,883 --> 00:38:08,252 >> Stephen: YOU'RE HAVING THE CHEF'S SPECIAL. 823 00:38:08,319 --> 00:38:19,263 AND I'M HAVING THE DOLCE DEL CHARDONO. 824 00:38:19,330 --> 00:38:22,867 THE LARDO IT'S LIKE FAT BALONEY. 825 00:38:22,933 --> 00:38:26,070 >> YOU HAVE TO HAVE HALF AND HALF SO YOU TRY BOTH, RIGHT? 826 00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:29,907 >> Stephen: OKAY. 827 00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,710 >> WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SHARE. 828 00:38:32,777 --> 00:38:37,014 >> Stephen: WAIT, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING. 829 00:38:37,081 --> 00:38:49,427 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 830 00:38:49,493 --> 00:38:51,729 >> LIFE IS GOOD! 831 00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:55,900 THERE IS BEAUTY ALL AROUND US. 832 00:38:55,966 --> 00:38:58,202 LOOK, NINTH AND 46th. 833 00:38:58,269 --> 00:39:04,108 THEY MAKE THE TO CARBIO IN THE STORE. 834 00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:07,211 I THINK THERE'S TRUFFLE CREAM ON YOURS. 835 00:39:07,278 --> 00:39:10,848 I WISH I HAD FOR EVERYBODY. 836 00:39:10,915 --> 00:39:14,218 >> Stephen: THIS SEEMS LIKE AN EASY JOB. 837 00:39:14,285 --> 00:39:15,586 ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THE AHEAD OFFER THING 838 00:39:15,653 --> 00:39:17,221 ABOUT GOING PLACES? 839 00:39:17,288 --> 00:39:22,293 BECAUSE, LIKE, YOUR SHOW, STANLEY TUCCI'S, YOU KNOW, 840 00:39:22,359 --> 00:39:23,027 LOOKING FOR ITALY. 841 00:39:23,094 --> 00:39:24,528 >> DID HE FIND IT? 842 00:39:24,595 --> 00:39:26,097 >> Stephen: NOT YET. 843 00:39:26,163 --> 00:39:27,998 YOU GO AND YOU SCPET YOU MAKE FRIENDS? 844 00:39:28,065 --> 00:39:31,936 >> IT'S REALLY-- I'M ON A MISSION-- I'M JUST USING FOOD 845 00:39:32,002 --> 00:39:35,005 AND MY STUPID SENSE OF HUMOR TO GET YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE BEAUT 846 00:39:35,072 --> 00:39:36,407 OF TRAVEL. 847 00:39:36,474 --> 00:39:38,909 THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER IF WE ALL COULD EXPERIENCE JUST A 848 00:39:38,976 --> 00:39:41,545 LITTLE BIT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPERIENCES. 849 00:39:41,612 --> 00:39:47,818 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 850 00:39:47,885 --> 00:39:52,923 >> Stephen: SEASON SIX OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL" PREMIERES 851 00:39:52,990 --> 00:39:56,927 ON NETFLIX ON OCTOBER 18th, AND YOU CAN BUY THE BOOK OF THE SAME 852 00:39:56,994 --> 00:39:57,928 NAME. 853 00:39:57,995 --> 00:39:59,130 PHIL ROSENTHAL. 854 00:39:59,196 --> 00:40:00,197 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 855 00:40:18,015 --> 00:40:18,616 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 856 00:40:18,682 --> 00:40:20,684 STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN.