>> CALLING ALL CONSERVATIVES.
A NEW DATING APP CALLED "THE RIGHT STUFF" JUST MIGHT GIVE YOU
A CHANCE TO MEET YOUR TRUE MATCH.
THE APP IS CREATED BY OUR VERY OWN KAYLEIGH MCENANY'S SISTER,
HOW COOL IS THAT?
AND IT JUST MIGHT FILL A NEED FOR CONSERVATIVES WHO ARE SINGLE
AND READY TO MINGLE.
>> THE DATING APP IS REPORTEDLY STRUGGLING TO DRAW IN YOUNG
CONSERVATIVE WOMEN.
>> HEY, GUYS, I'M RYAN.
I'VE GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING I'M SO EXCITED TO
ANNOUNCE: A DATING APP FOR ALL OF US CONSERVATIVES.
IT'S CALLED "THE RIGHT STUFF."
"THE RIGHT STUFF" IS ALL ABOUT GETTING INTO THE RIGHT DATING
POOL WITH PEOPLE WHO SHARE THE SAME VALUES AND BELIEFS AS YOU.
IT'S EASY.
JUST SCROLL THROUGH ALL THE ELIGIBLE CONSERVATIVES.
LIKE RUDY.
HE BELIEVES IN FAMILY VALUES, AND HE PROVED IT BY MARRYING HIS
COUSIN.
TED-- YOU WON'T NEED BIRTH CONTROL BECAUSE THE EX-PRESIDENT
TOOK HIS BALLS.
DON JR.-- HE LOVES FRESH POWDER.
AND HE SKIS.
ERIC-- UHM...
MATT.
OOPS, ACTUALLY, HE'S NOT ON THIS APP.
HE DATES ON VENMO.
SO IF YOU'RE A YOUNG CONSERVATIVE LOOKING TO AMP YOUR
DATING LIFE, DOWNLOAD "THE RIGHT STUFF" TODAY AND HAVE YOUR HEART
STOLEN, JUST LIKE WE PRETEND THE ELECTION WAS.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: LIAR, LIAR.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: NEIL DeGRASSE TYSON
AND PHIL ROSENTHAL
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: RIGHT THERE, ALL RIGHT?
TAKE YOU RIGHT OVER THERE.
COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ WHAT KIND OF FOOL AM I ♪
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Louis: I HEAR YOU, I HEAR YOU.
>> Stephen: HAVE A GOOD SHOW.
PLEASE, SIT DOWN!
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, OVER THE LAST SIX YEARS, WE'VE ALL HAD A LOT OF
FUN WITH THE IDEA THAT NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING, THERE ARE NO
CONSEQUENCES, TEAR UP YOUR HISTORY BOOKS, AND LIVE IN A
CAVE.
BUT, OCCASIONALLY, EVERY SO OFTEN, AND THIS IS ONE OF THOSE
SO OFTENS, SOMETHING MEANS ANYTHING.
AND MEANING OF ANY KIND IS ALWAYS BAD FOR FORMER PRESIDENT,
THE COUNT OF MOSTLY CRISCO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF AMERICA
WILL RECALL THAT LAST MONTH, THE F.B.I. WENT INTO MAR-A-LAGO AND
FOUND A BUNCH OF DOCUMENTS THAT ARE SUPER TOP SECRET, WHICH IS
SUPER TOP ILLEGAL.
AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS DESPERATELY BEEN TRYING TO STALL
THE INVESTIGATION BECAUSE HE IS SUPER TOP GUILTY.
ALLEGEDLY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE GOOD?
LAWYERS GOOD?
OKAY.
AND RIGHT AWAY, HE GOT SOME HELP FROM CONSERVATIVE JUDGE AND GIRL
FROM THE RING WHO WENT TO LAW
SCHOOL, AILEEN CANNON.
JUDGE CANNON APPALLED THE LEGAL COMMUNITY WHEN SHE RULED THAT
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT COULD NOT USE THE OVER 100 ILLEGALLY
POSSESSED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS FOUND AT MAR-A-LAGO IN THEIR
CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION OF THE OVER 100 DOCUMENTS FOUND AT
MAR-A-LAGO.
SHE SAID THEY HAD TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THEY HAD BEEN REVIEWED BY
A SPECIAL MASTER, WHICH SHE SAID WOULD TAKE UNTIL NOVEMBER 30th.
NOVEMBER 30th.
THAT WOULD GIVE THE PRESIDENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO HIDE ANY
REMAINING EVIDENCE.
I CAN IMAGINE HOW HE WOULD STUFF HIS THANKSGIVING TURKEY.
AND...
( APPLAUSE ) THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WARNED
CANNON THAT THEY WOULD APPEAL HER RIDICULOUS RULING UNLESS SHE
MODIFIED IT IN SOME WAY.
SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T, SO THEY APPEALED IT.
AND LAST NIGHT, THE 11th CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS RULED THAT THE
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT CAN USE THE MAR-A-LAGO DOCUMENTS IN ITS
CRIMINAL PROBE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, BOOM!
BOOM!
AWWW, SHUCKY DUCKY!
SOMETHING MEANS SOMETHING.
IT'S HAPPENING!
ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.
I'M SO EXCITED...
TO FIND OUT THE UNIMAGINABLE PERMANENT DAMAGE HE'S DONE TO
OUR NATIONAL SECURITY.
U.S.A.!
THE APPEALS COURT OBLITERATED THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MOST-
FREQUENT DEFENSE, WRITING, "THE PLAINTIFF SUGGESTS THAT HE
MAY HAVE DECLASSIFIED THESE DOCUMENTS WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT.
BUT THE RECORD CONTAINS NO EVIDENCE THAT ANY OF THESE
RECORDS WERE DECLASSIFIED."
YES, THANK YOU.
YOU CAN'T SAY THERE'S AN ALIBI AND THEN PRODUCE NO EVIDENCE OF
YOUR ALIBI.
"OFFICER, I COULDN'T HAVE ROBBED THAT BANK.
I WAS AT DINNER WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT'S HER NAME AND WHERE DID WE HAVE DINNER'?
THAT IS ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT
I MADE THAT ( BLEEP ) UP.
IMPORTANTLY-- ( APPLAUSE )
SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE.
FAMILY SHOW.
NOW, IMPORTANTLY, THE APPEALS COURT ALSO NOTED THAT
"DECLASSIFYING AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT WOULD NOT CHANGE ITS
CONTENT OR RENDER IT PERSONAL" AND, THEREFORE,
"THE DECLASSIFICATION ARGUMENT IS A RED HERRING."
RED HERRING-- ALSO WHAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CALLS A
FILET-O'-FISH SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP.
TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, TWO OF THE THREE JUDGES ON THE PANEL
WERE APPOINTED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
( APPLAUSE ) OHHH, THAT'S GOTTA STING.
IT'S LIKE GETTING A FATHER'S DAY MUG THAT SAYS "DAD OF THE
YEAR...
IS NOW MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND.
WE LOVE YOU, RICK!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) RICK'S A GOOD GUY.
RICK'S A REALLY SOLID GUY.
YOU'D LIKE THIM OF HIM.
LAST NIGHT, TO DEFEND HIMSELF, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAT DOWN
WITH FOX NEWS HOST AND STEPDAD WHO RAN OVER THE HAMSTER,
SEAN HANNITY.
FIRST UP, THE FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMED THAT, DESPITE THERE
BEING ABSOLUTELY ZERO EVIDENCE, ALL THE DOCUMENTS FOUND AT
MAR-A-LAGO HAD BEEN DECLASSIFIED THANKS TO A SPECIAL POWER:
>> IF YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, YOU CAN
DECLASSIFY JUST BY SAYING IT'S DECLASSIFIED, EVEN BY THINKING
ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, NO, THAT'S RIGHT!
OH, NO, THAT'S TRUE.
NO, NO, THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S TRUE.
HE DECLASSIFIED THEM WITH HIS MIND.
PICK A DOCUMENT.
PECK A DOCUMENT.
HAVE THE DOCUMENT?
HOLD IT IN YOUR MIND, DON'T TELL ME WHAT IT IS...
ARE THESE YOUR LAUNCH CODES?!
ONE ITSY-BITSY PROBLEM: THE CLAIM THAT A PRESIDENT CAN
DECLASSIFY DOCUMENTS JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT IS NOT
SUPPORTED BY PRIOR PRACTICE OR LEGAL PRECEDENT.
OH, REALLY?
HOW ABOUT...
NOW!?
STILL NO?
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WHAT IS THAT?
THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN USED
HIS MIND TO MAKE MORE DUMB WORDS COME OUT OF HIS STUPID MOUTH.
>> THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A PROCESS.
THERE CAN BE A PROCESS, BUT THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.
YOU MAKE THAT DECISION.
SO WHEN YOU SEND IT, IT'S DECLASSIFIED.
WE-- I DECLASSIFIED EVERYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "EVERYTHING.
THE.
OKAY, I'LL HOP ON THAT CRAZY TRAIN.
LET'S SAY HE TELEPATHICALLY DECLASSIFIED EVERYTHING LIKE HE
WAS WEARING A TREASON CEREBRO.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT MEANS-- THAT MEANS HE
THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA SOMEHOW FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW
FOREIGN NUCLEAR SECRETS AND THE SOMEHOW GETTING THE NAMES OF ALL
OF AMERICA'S UNDERCOVER SPIES OUT THERE.
HOW IS THAT BETTER?
ISN'T GETTING THE NAMES OF UNDERCOVER SPIES WHAT TOM CRUISE
IS TRYING TO STEAL IN THE FIRST "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"?
AND I SOMEHOW CAN'T PICTURE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN THAT OUTFIT!
JIMMIE, PUT THAT BACK UP.
CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN?
OH, DAMN!
THE PRESIDENT-- TO QUOTE-- TO QUOTE FROM MY YOUTH, "BABY GOT
BACK."
YES?
I BELIEVE THE TERM IS "CAKE."
>> Louis: OH, HEY!
>> Stephen: I THINK WE JUST BROKE THE INTERNET, YOU GUYS.
THEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMED THAT HE DIDN'T PACK THE
BOXES, SO HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE BOXES.
THEN HE SAID EXACTLY WHAT WAS IN THE BOXES.
>> BOXES AND BOXES OF PICTURES, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES, TREMEN--
EVEN KITCHEN THINGS.
YOU HAVE TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF DIFFERENT ITEMS.
MUCH CLOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES, YES, OH, YES!
MUCH CLOTHING. MANY SHIRT.
VERY PANT.
SUCH SOCK!
THEN THE STABLE GENIUS COMPLAINED ABOUT WHAT THE F.B.I.
TOOK FROM THE BOXES.
I THINK THEY TOOK MY WILL.
I FOUND OUT YESTERDAY.
I SAID, "WHERE IS IT?" >> Stephen: YOU KNOW THINGS ARE
GOING WELL WHEN A GUY SAYS, "I WAS LOOKING FOR MY WILL
YESTERDAY.
WHY?
NO REASON.
NOW WHERE ARE MY THREE PASSPORTS AND MY BAG OF MUSTACHES?!"
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THAT, THE FORMER--
( APPLAUSE ) SURE, WHY NOT?
>> Louis: QUALITY JOKE.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL ENJOY THESE JOKES.
AFTER THAT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S EXCUSES GOT WEIRDER:
>> THERE'S ALSO A LOT OF SPECULATION BECAUSE OF WHAT
THEY DID, THE SEVERITY OF THE F.B.I. COMING AND RAIDING
MAR-A-LAGO.
WERE THEY LOOKING FOR THE HILLARY CLINTON EMAILS THAT WERE
DELETED, BUT THEY ARE AROUND SOMEPLACE?
WERE THEY LOOKING FOR THE SPYING?
>> WAIT, WAIT.
YOU'RE NOT SAYING YOU HAD IT, DID YOU?
>> NO, NO.
THEY MAY BE SAYING-- THEY MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT IT WAS IN
THERE.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
WHAT?
THAT'S SO CRAZY, HE CONFUSED SEAN HANNITY.
AND SEAN COMES PRE-CONFUSED.
AT THIS POINT, HE'S JUST THROWING OUT MAGNETIC CONSPIRACY
THEORIES AT THE REFRIGERATOR TO SEE WHAT THEY SPELL OUT.
"MAYBE THEY WERE LOOKING IN MY BASEMENT FOR THE SASQUATCH WHO
SHOT J.F.K. WITH HUNTER BIDEN'S LAPTOP WITH HIS PARTNER
THE CHUPACABRA WHO HUNG JEFFREY EPSTEIN WITH BARACK OBAMA'S LONG
FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
CHEMTRAILS."
THEN, THEN-- ( APPLAUSE )
THE MAR-A-LAGO INVESTIGATION ISN'T THE ONLY LEGAL TROUBLE FOR
THE EX-PRESIDENT.
YESTERDAY, THE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL, LETITIA JAMES, HELD A
PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE A MASSIVE LAWSUIT AGAINST THE
EX-PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS ( APPLAUSE )
FOR REPEATEDLY LYING ABOUT THE VALUE OF HIS ASSETS IN ORDER TO
DEFRAUD THE BANKS WHO WERE GIVING HIM LOANS.
BUT ON HANNITY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TROTTED OUT A
WATER-TIGHT DEFENSE: "THE BANKS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I'M A LIAR."
>> WE HAVE A DISCLAIMER RIGHT ON THE FRONT, AND IT BASICALLY
SAYS, YOU KNOW, GET YOUR OWN PEOPLE.
YOU'RE AT YOUR OWN RISK.
THIS WAS DONE BY MANAGEMENT.
IT WASN'T DONE BY-- IT WAS DONE BY MANAGEMENT, SO DON'T RELY
ON THE STATEMENT THAT YOU'RE GETTING.
>> Stephen: THEN WHY HAVE A STATEMENT?
WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT?
"WE PUT ON THE STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I AM LYING."
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HIM CLOSE A BUSINESS DEAL.
"SHALL WE SHAKE ON IT?
PSYCH!" NOW, WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT'S-- IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
I AM BEING TOLD THERE'S BREAKING SQUIRREL NEWS.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FOOTAGE THAT WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK OF A
PENNSYLVANIA MAN AT HOME, TRYING TO CONDUCT A WORK ZOOM
CALL.
>> LET'S JUST GET IN TO...
UHM.
LET'S-- LET'S-- LET'S JUST GET INTO...
>> OH, MY GO--AHHHH!
IT'S IN HERE!
GO!
GO AWAY!
IT'S IN HERE!
GO AWAY!
GO!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: "UM, CHUCK, CAN YOU
MUTE?" NOW, THAT MAY SEEM LIKE AN
EXTREME REACTION TO A SQUIRREL GETTING LOOSE IN YOUR HOUSE BUT,
APPARENTLY, IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME.
AS HE EXPLAINED TO THE INTERNET: "OVER THE YEARS, I'VE BEEN
TERRORIZED BY SQUIRRELS," ADDING: "WAAUUGH!!
AAUGGH!!!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO THE STAR OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL," PHIL
ROSENTHAL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, NEIL DeEGRASSE TYSON.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, LOUIS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS A RENOWNED
ASTROPHYSICIST WHO HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW BOOK, "STARRY
MESSENGER: COSMIC PERSPECTIVES ON CIVILIZATION."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," NEIL DeGRASSE TYSON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE IT IS.
COME ON.
NEIL, MY FRIEND,s IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> THERE WAS ONE SECTION WHO DIDN'T GIVE ME A STANDING
OVATION.
WE'LL DEAL WITH THAT LATER.
>> Stephen: THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT, MY
FRIEND.
YOU WERE LAST HERE IN APRIL.
>> OKAY, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: CHECK YOUR CALENDAR.
IN APRIL.
SINCE THEN WE TALKED ABOUT THE WEBB TELESCOPE GOING OUT THERE.
THE THE WEBB TELESCOPE IS OUT THERE, GIVING US NEW GLIMPSES TO
OF THE UNIVERSE.
THIS IS A SUCCESSOR TO THE HUBBELL TELESCOPE, WHICH WAS
IMPRESSIVE AND IMPORTANT.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NEW TELESCOPE SO FAR?
>> IT'S ALL THAT.
>> Stephen: AND A BAG OF CHIPS.
>> BY THE WAY, YOU KACIALGLY SAID IT UNFOLDED.
MANY PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE THIS TELESCOPE IS WAY BIGGER THAN THE
FERRING THAT LAUNCHED IT.
THE ENGINEERS SAID LET'S FIGURE OUT HOW TO HOLD THE TELESCOPE,
STICK IT IN THE FERRING AND UNFOLD IT A MILLION MILES OUT
FROM WHERE IT'S PARKED.
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE A FLOWER.
IT LOOKS LIKE A STAMEN.
>> WE WERE SHOCKED FOR IT HAVING MET THE SPECS.
BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY WAYS THAT COULD HAVE FAILED THAT WHEN
IT MET WHAT IT WAS DESIGNED TO DO, WE WERE ALL-- WE WERE
SHOCKED.
>> Stephen: THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF SINGLE-POINT
FAILURES.
IF THIS THING GOES WRONG, THE WHOLE THING FAILS.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
SO WE WERE DELIGHTED.
AND IT DID EXACTLY WHAT WE EXPECTED IT TO DO.
IT LOOKED AT THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, FINDING GALAXIES BEING
BORN.
AND YOU COULD-- BECAUSE IT'S INFRARED IT PEERS THROUGH NEARBY
GAS CLOUDS.
STARS ARE MADE OF GAS.
THEY'RE MADE FROM GAS CLOUDS.
SO WHEN YOU PEER IN, YOU SEE THE STELLAR NURSERY THAT LURKS
WITHIN.
AND.
>> Stephen: YOU SOUND-- YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE DOING THE
VOICEOVER FOR, LIKE, A TRAILER FOR A MOVIE.
"THE STELLAR NURSERY THAT LURKS WITHIN."
IS THAT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT HERE?
>> YES, YES, I WANT TO LOOK AT IT.
SORRY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THEY DON'T DESERVE IT.
>> IT'S TV.
IT'S TV.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
YOU CAN LOOK AT IT UP THERE.
>> THIS IS A GAS CLOUD, DEEP WITHIN, IS FORMING BRAND NEW
STARS.
IT'S A STELLAR NURSERY.
IT'S FORMING NOT ONLY STARS, BUT PLANETS THAT ORBIT AROUND THAT,
EXOPLANETS.
WE NOW HAVE MORE THAN 5,000 EXOPLANETS IN THE CATALOG, WHICH
IS TELESCOPE WILL BE, AMONG ITS MANY ABILITIES, IT WILL BE ABLE
TO MEASURE THE CHEMISTRY OF THE ATMOSPHERE OF EXOPLANETS THAT
PASS IN FRONT OF ITS HOST STAR.
>> Stephen: HOW WILL THIS IMPROVE OR IN ANY WAY CHANGE OUR
MODEL OF EXOPLANETS?
>> HERE'S THE WAY TO THINK ABOUT IT.
IF YOU CAME UP TO A HOUSE AND IT HAD A LAWN, YOUR VISION WAS NOT
ALL THAT GOOD, YOU WOULD SAY, "THERE'S A GREEN KEARPT,"
SURROUNDING IT.
THAT'S ACCURATE.
BUT IF YOU HAD BETTER VISION, MORE RESOLUTION, YOU SAY, "WAIT
A MINUTE, THERE ARE BLADES OF GRASS THERE."
SO THIS IS AN EXTRA DETAIL, DEEPER THAN WHAT YOU HAD FIRST
THOUGHT.
IT DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR VIEW.
IT ADDS TO IT.
NOT EVERY SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY CHANGES WHAT WE THOUGHT BEFORE.
IT'S ACCRETIVE SO THE GROWTH OF OUR KNOWLEDGE-- HERE'S THE
PROBLEM-- AS THE AREA OF OUR KNOWLEDGE GROWS, SO, TOO, DOES
THE PERIMETER OF OUR IGNORANCE.
( APPLAUSE ) THE SAME.
>> Stephen: DO YOU STAY UP-- DO YOU STAY UP LATE AT NIGHT
"PERIMETER OF OUR IGNORANCE," AND WRITE IT DOWN.
"I'M USING THAT SOME DAY SOON."
>> I'M FEELING IT.
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IT -- >> Stephen: THE WORDS ARE
FLOWING.
YOU'RE SPITTING SCIENCE, IS WHAT WE'RE DOING.
I WANT TO ASK YOU, TALKING ABOUT WORDSMITH, J.F.K. SAID A LITTLE
OVER 60 YEARS AGO, WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON AND DO OTHER THINGS
NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE EASY BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE HARD.
IN '72 WE WENT WE'RE DONE GOING THERE WITH APOLLO 17.
WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN BACK?
>> YOU DIDN'T QUOTE THE PART OF THE OF SPEECH IN MAY 1962, THE
RUSSIANS JUST CAME OUT OF ORBIT, AND WE DIDN'T HAVE A SPACESHIP
THAT WOULDN'T BLOW UP ON THE LAUNCH PAD THAT COULD CARRY
PEOPLE.
THEY CALLED A JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS, AND HE ADDRESSED THEM.
THERE'S A WHOLE PARAGRAPH, THE EVENTS OF RECENT WEEKS-- HE
COULDN'T UTTER THE MAN'S NAME-- "IF THE EVENTS OF RECENT WEEKS
ARE ANY INDICATION OF THE IMPACT OF ADVENTURE ON THE MINDS OF MEN
EVERYWHERE WE NEED TO SHOW THE WORLD THE PATH OF FREEDOM OVER
THE PATH OF TYRANNY."
TEN HE SAID, "LET'S GO TO THE MOON."
>> Stephen: IT WAS SPECIFICALLY A POLITICAL
RESPONSE.
>> HE GUARANTEED THEY WERE GOING TO WRITE THE CHECKS.
WE DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THAT PART.
>> Stephen: DO WE NEED TO BE IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEBODY?
>> I DON'T WANT TO SAY THAT WOULD HELP, BUT THAT WOULD HELP.
YES.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT THE "ARTEMIS" MISSION.
"ARTEMIS" IS SUPPOSED TO BE UP THERE.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SEND A FEMALE CREW IN 2024.
>> "ARTEMIS" IS THE TWIN SISTER OF APOLLO, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: I DIG IT, DADDY-O.
>> YOU'RE ALL IN.
>> Stephen: THEY'VE TRIED TO LAUNCH TWICE AND HAD A LITTLE
BIT OF TROUBLE WITH THE MISSION.
>> WE HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN 50 YEARS.
GIVE THEM A BREAK.
LET THEM HAVE A COUPLE OF DELAYED LAUNCHES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS WITH THE DELAY?
>> YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE-- YES, I READ IT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
BECAUSE YOU'RE MAD AT ME.
>> WE'RE RETURNING TO THE MOON, AND I'D LIKE TO SEE US CONTINUE
ON TO MARS.
BUT THE MOTIVATION HAS TO BE THERE.
OTHERWISE, WE'RE JUST NOT GOING TO DO IT.
WHAT'S THE MOTIVATION?
EITHER YOU CAN MAKE A BUCK OR THERE'S A GEOPOLITICAL PURPOSE
FOR DOING IT.
WHAT MIGHT THAT BE?
CHINA SAID THEY MIGHT PUT ASTRONAUTS ON THE MOON.
OH, MY GOSH.
ALL OF A SUDDEN WE SAY THAT'S THE NEXT THING WE MUST DO.
HERE'S WHAT I WANT CHINA TO DO --
>> Stephen: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE
ROCKET.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO STRIKE A NERVE HERE.
I'M SORRY, MAN.
>> I WANT THE CHINESE TO LEAK A MEMO-- IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO
BE TRUE-- LEAK A MEMO THAT SAYS THEY WANT TO PUT MILITARY BASES
ON MARS.
WE'LL BE IN MARS IN 10 MONTHS.
ONE MONTH TO DESIGN, FUND, AND BUILD THE SPACESHIP AND NINE
MONTHS TO GET THERE.
OR MAYBE ELON HAS ONE IN HIS GARAGE.
THAT WOULD BE AN EASY SELL IN CHINA.
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.
TO MARKET THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'M ON BOARD.
>> SO, ANYHOW -- >> Stephen: WAS THERE A
HYDROGEN LEAK?
WHY DIDN'T THE ROCKET GO OFF?
THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO KNOW.
WHAT WAS WRONG.
>> SOMETHING WITH THE FUEL.
>> Stephen: SOMETHING WITH THE FUEL.
SURE, YOU DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
YOU STAY THERE, AND YOU STAY THERE, WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WORE BACK HERE WITH NEIL
deGRASSE TYSON.
I HEARD ABOUT THIS BOOK FROM YOU FOR A WHILE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I KNOW IT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU.
IT'S CALLED "STARRY MESSENGER: COSMIC PERSPECTIVES ON
CIVILIZATION."
WHAT IS A COSMIC PERSPECTIVE, NEIL deGRASSE TYSON?
>> OH, IT CHANGES YOU.
IT'S WHAT THE WORLD AND ALL YOUR PROBLEMS AND ALL YOUR ISSUES AND
WHAT EVERYBODY IS ARGUING ABOUT, IT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE WHEN
YOU ASCEND AND LOOK BACK ON EARTH,.
AND THINK ABOUT IT.
WHEN WE WENT TO THE MOON-- FORGET THE GEOPOLITICS OF IT.
YES, WE WENT TO THE MOON TO EXPLORE THE MOON AND LOOKED BACK
OVER OUR SHOULDERS AND DISCOVERED EARTH FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
AND THERE WAS EARTH IN ALL ITS MAJESTY.
WITHOUT THE COLOR-CODED COUNTRIES THAT WE WERE TRAINED
ON IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, SO THAT YOU KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE
AND WHO YOUR ENEMIES ARE.
THINK ABOUT HOW INCULCATING THAT IS IN AN EDUCATIONAL TRAJECTORY.
HERE YOU ARE, THERE'S EARTH, AS ONLY NATURE INTENDED YOU TO SEE
IT WITH OCEANS AND LAND AND CLOUDS.
THAT CHANGES YOU.
AND, IN FACT-- BY THE WAY, WE WENT THERE IN 1969.
STOPPED GOING IN '72.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED OVER THOSE THREE YEARS?
WE CREATED THE ENVIRONMENTAL ENL PROTECTION AGENCY, THE NATIONAL
OCEANINNIC AND ATMOSPHERIC ADMINISTRATION, NOAA, THE FIRST
ALL OF THAT HAPPENED IN THE FOUR-YEAR PERIOD.
THERE WAS A FIRMWARE UPGRADE.
>> Stephen: IN OUR PERCEPTION.
>> THERE WAS A FIRMWARE UPGRADE IN OUR PERCEPTION OF EARTH AS A
HOLISTIC ENTITY THAT WE HAVE TO PROTECT.
>> Stephen: WE IS HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
I'LL ASK NEIL HOW ONE MIGHT ACQUIRE A COSMIC PERSPECTIVE.
THEY'RE WATCHING THE SAME THING, RIGHT?
>> SAME THING, BUT IT'S BETTER WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "STARRY
MESSENGER: COSMIC PERSPECTIVES ON CIVILIZATION."
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
I WANT THE COSMIC PERSPECTIVE.
NOT ALL OF US CAN GO TO SPACE.
CAN I GET IT JUST SITTING IN TRAFFIC?
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU GIT IT, NEIL, OTHER THAN BUYING "STARRY
MESSENGER, THE COSMIC PERSPECTIVE."
>> I'LL PUT YOU AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.
I'LL PUT ALL THE WARRING LEADERS OF THE WORLD.
GET ELON TO BUILD A SPACE BUS-- IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT THERE'S
ALREADY, LIKE, AN AIR BUS COMPANY.
IT'S NOT A ROMANTIC TERM, BUT LET'S KEEP GOING.
SPACE BUS.
ELON, BUILD US A SPACE BUS.
FLY ALL THE WARRING FACTIONING OF THE U.N. INTO SPACE SP HAVE
THEM LOOK DOWN ON EARTH AND ALL THE NATIONAL BORDERS DISSOLVE.
( APPLAUSE ) THEY'LL REALIZE HOW SMALL AND
FRAGILE WE ARE HERE ON EARTH AND WHAT WE HAVE TO PROTECT.
BY THE WAY, ALL OF OUR ARGUMENTS, THINGS THAT YOU WERE
DEEPLY DUG INTO AND YOU THINK YOU'VE THOUGHT THEM THROUGH,
THEY WILL OFTEN CRUMBLE UNDER.
RATIONAL ANALYSIS FLAVORED BY A COSMIC PERSPECTIVE.
A QUICK EXAMPLE.
I'LL BE QUICK.
>> Stephen: I HOPE YOU WILL.
>> OKAY, OKAY.
>> Stephen: AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE QUICK.
THE MORE YOU TALK, THE LESS I WORK.
>> OKAY.
NO, THERE ARE THOUGHTS WE HAVE.
FOR EXAMPLE, LET'S SAY YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN.
THERE'S A CHAPTER CALLED "MEAT EATERS AND VEGETARIANS."
YEAH, I WENT THERE.
PEOPLE SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO KILL ANIMALS."
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.
THEY PROBABLY HAVE A HUMANE MOUSE TRAP IN THEIR BASEMENT.
THEY DON'T WANT TO SNAP THE NECK OF THE MOUSE.
SO THEY CAPTURE THE MOUSE-- YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK ON IT EVERY
COUPLE OF DAYS BECAUSE THEY DRY OUT REAL QUICK.
THIS IT IS, AND THEY SET IT LOOSE INTO THE WILD, WHERE THEY
HAVE GUARANTEED IT WILL BE SWALLOW OLD WHOLE BY, AND PICKED
APART BY WOODLAND PREDATORS.
THE AVERAGE LIFE OF A MOUSE IN THE WILD IS NINE TO 18 MONTHS.
BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR A MOUSE IS LEAVE IT IN YOUR
BASEMENT.
IT WILL LIVE UP TO SIX YEARS THERE.
THAT'S HOW YOU PROTECT THE LIFE.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
MEANWHILE, THE HOUSE IS MADE OF WOOD FROM 50 TREES WITH FLOOR
BOARDS AND 2 BY 4s AND STRUCTURAL MEMBERS.
AND TREES?
EACH TREE, EVERY DAY, PRODUCES 15 TIMES THE MASS OF THE MOUSE
IN OXYGEN.
AND THE TREE IS HOME TO BIRDS AND INSECTS AND FUNGUS AND
SQUIRRELS.
WHO DO YOU THINK NATURE CARES MORE ABOUT?
YOUR MOUSE OR THE TREE?
AND YOU'LL SAY, "WELL, THE MOUSE HAS A BEATING HEART.
TREE DOESN'T."
MAYBE THE TREE DOESN'T NEED A BEATING HEART.
THAT'S YOUR CRITERION FOR WHAT'S IMPORTANT?
IF YOU CUT A TREE, DOES IT NOT BLEED?
IF YOU CLOAK A TREE, DOES IT NOT SUFFOCATE?
IF YOU CUT OFF ITS NUTRIENTS, DOES IT NOT WHITHER AND DIE?
AND SOME OF TREES LIVE 1,000 YEARS.
THE GIANT SEQUOIA IN THE GIANT NORTHWEST.
YOU'RING ABOUT TO CUT THEM DOWN, BUILD YOUR HOUSE, AND SAVE A
CHUBBY MOUSE.
>> Stephen: WOW ( APPLAUSE ).
>> I'VE GOT ONE MORE-- SORRY -- >> Stephen: WHAT I'M HEARING--
I WANT TO HEAR ONE MORE, BUT WHAT I'M HEARING IS EITHER SAVE
ALL OF THEM OR SAVE NOTHING.
I CAN'T TELL.
>> I'M NOT HERE TO GIVE YOU YOUR OPINION, I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE
WHATEVER OPINION YOU DO HAVE IS MORE FULLY INFORMED THAN IT WAS
TO BEGIN WITH.
>> Stephen: YOUR OTHER EXAMPLE, PLEASE.
>> ANOTHER QUICK EXAMPLE.
>> Stephen: AGAIN, THIS ALL CAN BE FOUND IN "STARRY
MESSENGER," NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
>> NEXT BEST THING TO GOING INTO SPACE IF YOU READ THIS BOOK.
SO I OFTEN INTRODUCE ALIENS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY
PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS OF WHO OR WHAT WE ARE AND WE GET A SENSE
OF WHAT-THEY MIGHT SAY.
>> Stephen: THEORETICAL ALIEN >> YES, THEORETICAL ALIENS.
I CAN'T DISCLOSE... IMAGINE PHOTO SYNTHESIZING CENTIEN
ALIENS.
THEY'RE IN A SPACESHIP AND SAW EARTH, HAS A GOOD BIODIVERSITY
OF PLANTS AND IT'S ON THEIR TOUR BOOK, THEY HAVE RAINFORESTS AND
THINGS.
THEY COME TO VISIT.
THEN THEY MEET VEGETARIANS WHO EXPRESSLY EAT PLANTS.
AND THEY'LL FREAK OUT.
AND IT'S NOT JUST PLANTS.
THEY NOTICE THAT VEGETARIANS TARGET THE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS
OF PLANT IT'S FLOWERS, THE BERRIES, THE NUTS, ALL OF THE
THINGS-- THE PLANT'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE ANOTHER VERSION OF
ITSELF.
NOPE, LET'S EAT IT!
IN FACT, LAST NIGHT I HAD ZUCCHINI BLOSSOMS FOR DINNER,
OKAY.
DOES THE ZUCCHINI TRY TO MAKE ANOTHER ZUCCHINI?
BUT NO, I ATE IT.
BUT IMAGINE-- WAIT-- IMAGINE THE ALIENS, THEY GO CHECK IN ON
WHOLE FOODS AND THEY SEE PEOPLE SHOPPING IN THE PRODUCE AISLE.
AND THEY NOTICE THESE SAME VEGETARIANS THEY'RE INTO
INFANTICIDE BECAUSE THEY'RE SELECTING BABY CARDS ROTS, BABY
SPINAC, BAB ARTICHOKES, BABY ARUGULA.
BABY EVERYTHING.
AND THESE ALIENS THEY SAY, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE ON
EARTH?
WHAT?" AND THEY RUN BACK.
>> Stephen: AND THEY ATTACK US?
>> AND THEY ATTACK GLUS IS THAT WHERE THIS MOVIE IS GOING, THEY
EVENTUALLY ATTACK US?
>> IT OFFERS COSMIC PERSPECTIVES.
IT'S ANOTHER WAY TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO.
YOU MIGHT FEEL MORE STRONGLY ABOUT WHAT YOU DO OR LESS.
BUT IT'S ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT HOW YOU HAVE FORMULATED WHAT IT
IS YOU THINK AND DO AND WHO YOU'RE GOING TO ARGUE WITH,
ESPECIALLY AT THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: TO COME UP-- TO COME UP WITH THE IDEA OF THE
SENTIENT PLANTS, DID YOU SMOKE ANY BABY PLANTS?
( APPLAUSE ) >> BY THE WAY, DID YOU KNOW E.T.
WAS A SENTIENT PLANT NORTH AN ANIMAL.
>> Stephen: E.T. IS A PLANT ♪ TURN ON YOUR HEART LIGHT ♪
HE HAD A HEART.
>> THEY GAVE A HEART SO YOU COULD RELATE TO IT.
BUT IT WAS A PLANT.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS A PLANT.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER E.T. WOULD TOUCH THE PLANTS AND IT WOULD GO
BACK?
THAT'S NOT AN ACCIDENT.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?
>> STEPHEN SPIELBERG TOLD ME THIS IN MY OFFICE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
IS THAT TRUE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "STARRY MESSENGER:
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE STAR OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL,"
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS THE CREATOR OF "EVERYBODY LOVES
RAYMOND" AND THE HOST OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL," WHICH
RETURNS TO NETFLIX NEXT MONTH FOR ITS SIXTH SEASON.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," PHIL ROSENTHAL!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: VERY NICE.
>> NICE PEOPLE!
HI!
>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
NOT THE FIRST TIME WE MET.
WE MET BACKSTAGE AT THE OLD SHOW, AT ONE POINT.
>> I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I LOVED THAT SHOW SO MUCH.
YOU'RE MY SALUTE FAVORITE.
I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU TO SAY.
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE GUEST AT THIS POINT.
>> THIS IS A BIG NIGHT FOR ME BECAUSE I-- YOU HAVE NEIL
deGRASSE TYSON.
I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
AND -- >> Stephen: WHO DIDN'T?
>> ASTRONOMY BOOKS-- CHILDREN OF THE 60, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: APOLLO, OF COURSE?
>> I PORED OVER THOSE BOOKS.
TO GO TO THE MOON, IT WAS JUST UNBELIEVABLE.
AND THEN I THOUGHT THE COOLEST THING ABOUT BEING AN ASTRONAUT
WAS THAT THEY GOT TO BE ON THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
THEY WOULD COME BY HERE.
THIS IS ONE OF THE STOPS.
>> SO THIS IS FULL CIRCLE FOR ME.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE ONE OF THE
CREATORS OF "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND."
YOU'RE A COMEDY WRITER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
DID YOU-- YOU KNOW, YOU WERE A COMEDY WRITER.
DID YOU WANT TO WORK ON A LATE-NIGHT SHOW WHEN YOU WERE
YOUNGER?
DID YOU WATCH-- >> JONNY CARSON.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
>> JONNY CARSON.
DID YOU EVER GET TO MEET JONNY?
>> Stephen: NO, I REALLY WISH I HAD.
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO.
BUT JONNY, OF COURSE, WAS GOD.
AND.
>> I GOT TO MEET HIM.
>> Stephen: I'M SO JEALOUS.
WHEN DID YOU MEET JONNY?
>> I WROTE JOKES FOR PRESIDENT CLINTON, AND THERE'S, LIKE, A
HRM SEASON IN WASHINGTON, NOT YEAR-ROUND LIKE NOW.
>> Stephen: THE AL SMITH DINNER.
THE GRIDIRON, STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> AND THE BIG ONE, WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER.
AND THOSE WERE WHEN THEY NEEDED MOST JOKES, MY FRIEND, MARK
KATZ, WAS THEIR COMEDY PERSON, AND THEY WOULD BRING HIM IN, AND
THEY BROUGHT ME IN, BECAUSE I WAS FROM "EVERYBODY LOVES
RAYMOND," AND I GUESS THEY LIKED THAT.
I WOULD WRITE JOKES.
AND I WANTED TO DO A VIDEO, BUT AT THE TIME, THE PRESIDENT
DIDN'T DO VIDEOS, AND THEY THOUGHT I WAS NUTS.
AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE, OBAMA WAS SO GREAT AT IT.
BETWEEN TWO FERNS.
HE WAS LIKE A MASTER AT IT.
BUT THE LAST YEAR, HIS LAST CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER, I GOT TO
DIRECT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN THIS COMEDY
VIDEO.
YOU CAN SEE IT ON YOUTUBE.
IT'S CALLED "THE FINAL DAYS."
AND I DID IT WITH MY BROTHER.
AND MARK KATZ, AND THE PEOPLE AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
AND THIS THING HIT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER,
AND MY LIFE CHANGED.
AND THE NEXT DAY MY FRIEND TONY CALLED ME.
HE SAID, "I SHOWED IT TO A FRIEND OF MINE, HE WANTS TO HAVE
LURCH WITH YOU."
I SAID, "WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?" HE SAID, "JONNY CARSON."
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW, YOU WERE OUT IN L.A.?
>> YES.
>> WHEN I GOT BACK TO L.A., I HAD I GUESS SOME CHUTZPAH TO ASK
COULD I BRING A FRIEND?
BECAUSE I KNEW -- >> Stephen: YOU NEED A
WITNESS.
>> WELL, THIS FELLOW THAT I WAS WORKING WITH, LIKE YOU JUST
SAID, TO ME IT'S JOHNNY CARSON, BUT TO YOU, JUST SAID IT, IT'S
GOD.
I BROUGHT MY FRIEND RAY ROMANO WITH ME.
AND WE HAD LUNCH.
WE WENT TO HIS OFFICE.
IT WAS IN SANTA MONICA.
HE COMES OUT-- I WILL NEVER FORGET THE WAS WEARING A YELLOW
SWEATER, WHITE PANTS.
HE LOOKED LIKE HE HAD JUST BEEN PLAYING TENNIS.
HE LOOKED FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: PROBABLY HAD BEEN.
>> WE WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND WE HAD LUNCH FOR TWO HOURS.
>> Stephen: WOW, DID YOU ASK HIM-- LIKE, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WHAT DO YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT FOR TWO HOURS?
>> YOU BECOME THE JOHN CANDY CHARACTER.
"REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS?
THAT WAS GREAT."
SO WE'RE DOING THESE BITS THAT WE REMEMBER FROM THE SHOW.
AND HE STARTS DOING HIS PART.
HE STARTS -- >> Stephen: LIKE ART FERN BACK
TO YOU.
>> ANYTHING HE WANTED.
>> Stephen: KARNAC.
>> I FEEL LIKE IT'S HOW YOU WOULD BE-- SO NICE, SO SWEET.
HE WAS SO WARM AND GRACIOUS.
>> Stephen: WHY DIDN'T YOU QUIT SHOW BUSINESS AT THAT
MOMENT?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PEAKING.
>> I HAD TO GET TO YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL
CANDLE.
I REALLY LOVED IT.
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR NETFLIX SERIES.
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SIXTH SEASON.
>> SIX!
>> Stephen: "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL."
YOU GO ALL AROUND THE WORLD AND EAT ALL KINDS OF FOOD, AND YET
YOU'RE THIN.
>> SOMEBODY HAS TO.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE SOME STUFF BACK HERE.
>> I DO.
YOU NEED TON, WHEN I HEARD YOU LIKE FOOD AS WELL --
>> Stephen: I LOVE FOOD.
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO PUT IN MY MOUTH.
>> YES!
YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS PLACE.
YOU'VE BEEN TO FLORENCE, ITALY.
>> Stephen: I HAVE, YES.
>> THE MOST FAMOUS SANDWICH SHOP IN FLORENCE IS CALLED ANTIE KO
VA NIO.
THEY OPENED AT NINTH AND 46th.
>> A SANDWICH SHOP FROM LAWRENCE OPENED HERE?
>> YES.
I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
I'M NOT ADVERTISING.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE--
>> OKAY.
HOW FUN IS THIS EVERYBODY?
DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE ME RIGHT NOW?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M THE LUCKIEST-- YOU WILL NOT
-- >> Stephen: YOU SEEM HAPPY TO
MEET EVERYBODY.
>> I AM.
>> Stephen: YES?
>> I AM.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO ONE YOU'RE NOT HAPPY-- YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN NOT HAPPY TO MEET SOMEBODY?
>> THE DENNIST.
LET'S EAT A SANDWICH.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I EATING HERE?
>> I THINK LET'S OPEN IT.
THEY DIDN'T BASEBALL IT, DID THEY.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE HAVING THE CHEF'S SPECIAL.
AND I'M HAVING THE DOLCE DEL CHARDONO.
THE LARDO IT'S LIKE FAT BALONEY.
>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE HALF AND HALF SO YOU TRY BOTH, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SHARE.
>> Stephen: WAIT, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> LIFE IS GOOD!
THERE IS BEAUTY ALL AROUND US.
LOOK, NINTH AND 46th.
THEY MAKE THE TO CARBIO IN THE STORE.
I THINK THERE'S TRUFFLE CREAM ON YOURS.
I WISH I HAD FOR EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: THIS SEEMS LIKE AN EASY JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THE AHEAD OFFER THING
ABOUT GOING PLACES?
BECAUSE, LIKE, YOUR SHOW, STANLEY TUCCI'S, YOU KNOW,
LOOKING FOR ITALY.
>> DID HE FIND IT?
>> Stephen: NOT YET.
YOU GO AND YOU SCPET YOU MAKE FRIENDS?
>> IT'S REALLY-- I'M ON A MISSION-- I'M JUST USING FOOD
AND MY STUPID SENSE OF HUMOR TO GET YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE BEAUT
OF TRAVEL.
THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER IF WE ALL COULD EXPERIENCE JUST A
LITTLE BIT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPERIENCES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: SEASON SIX OF "SOMEBODY FEED PHIL" PREMIERES
ON NETFLIX ON OCTOBER 18th, AND YOU CAN BUY THE BOOK OF THE SAME
NAME.
PHIL ROSENTHAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN.