>> IN A RECENT INTERVIEW,
PENNSYLVANIA SENATE CANDIDATE DR. OZ SEEMED TO SUGGEST THAT
PENNSYLVANIA IS ON THE ATLANTIC COAST, WHICH IT IS NOT.
PENNSYLVANIA IS A LAND-LOCKED STATE.
> PENNSYLVANIA IS TOO IMPORTANT AND, LISTEN, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
WE DO NOT HAVE A REPUBLICAN SENATOR NORTH OF NORTH CAROLINA
ON THE ATLANTIC COAST UNTIL YOU GET TO MAINE, IF I DON'T HOLD
THIS SEAT.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"
TONIGHT: AGAINST ALL OZ! AND JAMES TAYLOR TAKES THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONERT." PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
MATTHEW PERRY FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND! AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ [APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: HELLO.
HELLO. I'M FEELING IT.
NICE AND EASY, EVERYBODY. STEADY AS SHE GOES.
>> Stephen: HELLO, MY FRIENDS.
HELLO! THANK YOU, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE
SHIPS AT SEA TO THE LATE SHOW, WELCOME.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YEAH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS.
EVERYBODY HERE, THANK YOU. MY FRIENDS OUT THERE, I NEED
YOUR STRENGTH BECAUSE I COME TO YOU DEFIANT, UNBROKEN, UNBOWED
EVEN THOUGH LAST NIGHT THEY HELD THE DRAWING FOR THE
BILLION-DOLLAR POWERBALL JACKPOT, AND THERE WERE NO
pWINNERS. NO -- NO WINNER!
OH REALLY? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
CONSIDERING LAST NIGHT, ON THIS SHOW, I ANNOUNCED THAT THESE
WERE THE WINNING NUMBERS! THESE RIGHT HERE WERE THE
WINNING NUMBERS, BECAUSE MAY I REMIND YOU THEY'RE ON MY TICKET,
OK? [APPLAUSE]
I EVEN PROMISED TO SHARE THE PROCEEDS WITH THE AUDIENCE HERE!
ALL RIGHT? FOLKS, WE WERE GETTING READY TO
WIN THIS POWERBALL. FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS
POWERBALL. [APPLAUSE]
BUT THEN -- NO! NO WAIT!
LISTEN, BUT THEN AT 11:00 P.M., THERE WAS A MASSIVE BALL DUMP,
OK? THE DOMINION POWERBALL MACHINE
FLIPPED ALL THE NUMBERS. HOW WERE THOSE BALLS FLOATING
AROUND IN THERE LIKE THAT? COULD IT BE...
HUGO CHAVEZ'S GHOST ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT?
OH! THEY STOLE THIS POWERBALL FROM
ALL OF US, AUDIENCE. WHICH IS WHY I AM HOLDING A
"STOP THE BALL" RALLY AT THE BODEGA WHERE I BOUGHT THE
TICKET. [APPLAUSE]
BE THERE. WILL BE WILD.
I'LL TELL YOU, I CALLED THE LOTTO OFFICIALS LAST NIGHT, AND
I SAID, "FELLAS, I MISSED THE WINNING NUMBER BY
ONLY... ALL THE NUMBERS. I JUST NEED YOU TO FIND ME SIX
WINNING NUMBERS. GIVE ME A BREAK.
AND A BILLION DOLLARS." IF MY THEORY SOUNDS CRAZY, LET
ME POINT OUT... I HAVE A PILLOW.
[LAUGHTER] OK?
IT CAN BE YOURS FOR A BILLION DOLLARS.
[LAUGHTER] YESTERDAY WAS ALSO HALLOWEEN.
THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY HAD AN EVENTFUL EVENING,
GREETING TRICK-OR-TREATERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE FIRST
TIME. JILL DRESSED AS A BUTTERFLY,
AND JOE DRESSED AS "GRANDPA WHO THINKS A HAT COUNTS AS A
COSTUME." [LAUGHTER]
VERY SWEET. THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS GOOD, BUDDY. I'M ALL SET.
THEY HAD A GREAT TIME GIVING OUT CANDY TO ALL THE
TRICK-OR-TREATERS. KNOWING BIDEN, I'M GUESSING
THE KIDS GOT LICORICE AND AMTRAK SCHEDULES.
[LAUGHTER] OK?
UH-HUH. DON'T TAKE THE LOCAL.
THAT'SER HOURS. YOU WANT TO TAKE THE ACCELA.
THE COSTUMES WERE SO CUTE. CHECK OUT THIS LIL' PUMPKIN,
SEEN HERE 12 MINUTES INTO A STORY ABOUT SCRANTON'S MINOR
LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM. ACCORDING TO REPORTERS ON THE
SCENE, THE PRESIDENT WAS PARTICULARLY PLEASED WITH A BABY
DRESSED UP AS A POTATO-CHIP BAG. [LAUGHTER]
"HELL OF A COSTUME THERE, BABY JACK.
MY GRANDPA USED TO WORK DOWN AT THE RUFFLES FACTORY.
HE ADDED THE RIDGES WITH A BANDSAW.
[LAUGHTER] HE'D COME HOME, HANDS ALL SALTY,
ENDED UP WITH SOUR CREAM-AND-ONION LUNG.
[LAUGHTER] BUT IT WAS HONEST WORK.
ONE TIME, HE TOOK US TO MEET MR. PRINGLE.
LIVED IN A BIG, FANCY TUBE UP ON THE HILL.
[LAUGHTER] NO WINDOWS, BUT THE BASEMENT WAS
FULL OF CRUMBS. WE'D RUN DOWN THERE, SPOIL OUR
SUPPERS. NOW, CHESTER CHEETAH NEXT DOOR,
HE WAS AN ODD FELLA. [LAUGHTER]
DIDN'T TALK MUCH, LEFT A BIG ORANGE STREAK WHEREVER HE WENT.
SAD STORY. [LAUGHTER]
NOT EASY BEING CHEESY, MONTEREY JACK."
[LAUGHTER] SPEAKING OF SPOOKY, PENNSYLVANI
[APPLAUSE] REALLY?
WOW!
SPEAKING OF SPOOKY, PENNSYLVANI SENATE CANDIDATE AND CORN
MIME... MEHMET OZ.
[LAUGHTER] YESTERDAY, ON THE FOX NEWS,
OZ MADE HIS CASE TO REPRESENT PENNSYLVANIA, WHILE ALSO
DEMONSTRATING HE DOES NOT KNOW WHERE PENNSYLVANIA IS.
>> LISTEN, THIS IS IMPORTANT. WE DO NOT HAVE A REPUBLICAN
SENATOR NORTH OF NORTH CAROLINA ON THE ATLANTIC COAST UNTIL YOU
GET TO MAINE, IF I DON'T HOLD THIS SEAT.
>> Stephen: YES, THE ATLANTIC COASTLINE OF PENNSYLVANIA.
FROM THE SUNNY BEACHES OF SCRANTON TO THE WHITE SANDS OF
ALLENTOWN. [LAUGHTER]
OF COURSE, PENNSYLVANIA HAS A LONG ASSOCIATION WITH THE OCEAN.
OTHERWISE, HOW COULD I OWN THIS VERY REAL CD, "NOW THAT'S WHAT I
CALL SONGS ABOUT THE BEACHES OF PENNSYLVANIA?"
[LAUGHTER] pIT'S GOT TIMELESS CLASSICS, LIE
"SITTING ON THE DOCK OF THE WAWA," "WASTING AWAY IN
YEUNGLING-VILLE," "WISH THEY ALL COULD BE KING OF PRUSSIA GIRLS,"
AND, OF COURSE, "ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENY PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH
BIKINI." [LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MOVING ON TO SOMEONE WHO REALLY
IS FROM PENNSYLVANIA, MY DEAR, DEAR FRIEND...
MUSICAL ICON TAYLOR SWIFT... [CHEERING]
SEEN HERE LEARNING ABOUT KANYE GETTING KICKED OUT OF SKECHERS.
[LAUGHTER] 12 DAYS AGO, LOR-LOR, AS I CALL
HER, RELEASED HER NEW ALBUM, "MIDNIGHTS."
IT'S AN ABSOLUTE BOP THAT SLAPS. OR A SLAP THAT BOPS?
NOT SURE. AND NOW, TAYLOR SWIFT HAS BECOME
THE FIRST ARTIST EVER TO CLAIM EVERY SINGLE TOP-TEN SPOT ON
BILLBOARD'S HOT 100 CHART AT ONCE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALL AT ONCE, BABY!
THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE! IS THAT REALLY TRUE?
LET'S FACT-CHECK THAT. WHO'S GOT EVERY SINGLE ON THE
TOP TEN? ♪ IT'S ME ♪
[LAUGHTER] OK.
CHECKS OUT. THERE'S AN UPDATE FROM NEW
TWITTER OWNER AN PROOF THAT NO ONE'S RICH ENOUGH TO PULL OFF
A BUSINESS CASUAL BANDANA... ELON MUSK.
[LAUGHTER] MUSK HAS BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT WAYS TO MONETIZE TWITTER, WHICH IS WHY, ACCORDING TO A
LEAKED BUSINESS PLAN, TWITTER WOULD START CHARGING $20 PER
MONTH FOR VERIFICATION. AND USERS WHO ARE ALREADY
VERIFIED WILL HAVE 90 DAYS TO SUBSCRIBE OR LOSE THEIR BLUE
CHECKMARK. THAT WILL BE CHAOS!
I RELY ON THAT BLUE CHECKMARK TO KNOW WHICH OF MY BUTTER'S I
CAN'T NOT BELIEVE! [LAUGHTER]
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT PARAGONS OF AUTHENTICITY LIKE
PAPA JOHN'S, AND PAPA JOHN'S U.K., RISK FALLING TO THE SAME
LEVEL AS UN-VERIFIED FRAUDS LIKE PAPA JOHN'S HOUSTON?
[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN PAPA
JOHN'S SAYS, "WE CANNOT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE VERIFY THAT THAT
IS PIZZA." [LAUGHTER]
TWITTER'S BIG USERS ARE ALSO -- SURE.
WHY NOT? [APPLAUSE]
MAYBE NOT PIZZA! MAYBE NOT PIZZA!
TWITTER'S BIG USERS ARE ALSO UPSET.
LIKE HORROR AUTHOR STEPHEN KING, WHO TWEETED, "$20 A MONTH TO
KEEP MY BLUE CHECK? [BLEEP] THAT.
THEY SHOULD PAY ME." [APPLAUSE]
TO WHICH MUSK DIRECTLY RESPONDED, "WE NEED TO PAY THE
BILLS SOMEHOW! TWITTER CANNOT RELY ENTIRELY ON
ADVERTISERS. HOW ABOUT $8?"
OKAY, HOW 'BOUT $8? THAT WAS A QUICK FOLD.
THAT WAS A QUICK FOLD FROM THE BUSINESSMAN.
OK? HOW ABOUT $8?
WE DID THE MATH -- AND THIS IS TRUE -- AT $8 A MONTH TIMES THE
400,000 VERIFIED USERS PRESENTLY ON 50ER EQUALS $38.4 MILLION PER
YEAR! DIVIDE THE 44 BILLION PAID BY
MUSK BY THE 38.4 MILLION OF INCOME, HE CAN PAY OFF HIS
PURCHASE IN 1,145 YEARS! BY WHICH TIME THIS HAIRCUT MIGHT
BE IN STYLE! MOVING ON TO SOMETHING THAT
WILL EXPLODE BEFORE ELON TURNS A PROFIT ON TWITTER:
THE SUN. OVER THE WEEKEND, NASA RELEASED
THIS ULTRAVIOLET IMAGE. AWWW, LOOK AT THAT SUN!
WHO'S THE CUTEST LITTLE GUY WITH THE POWER OF A TRILLION
NUCLEAR BOMBS? YOU ARE!
THIS IS A MAJOR ASTRONOMICAL DISCOVERY--
AND IT PROVES THE PICTURE I DREW IN SECOND GRADE IS
SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE, MRS. WILLIAMS.
[APPLAUSE] TURNS OUT, THE DARK PATCHES
ARE REGIONS WHERE SOLAR WIND ESCAPES MORE QUICKLY AND
READILY INTO SPACE, MAKING THESE REGIONS COOLER.
COOLER? I THINK WE ALL KNOW THERE'S ONLY
ONE WAY TO MAKE THAT SUN COOLER. DEAL WITH IT.
NOW, THAT SMILE LOOKS CUTE, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A LITTLE CREEPY,
SPEAKING OF THE END OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD DEAR...
THE SUPREME COURT. THEY SPENT THE SUMMER STOMPING
ON SETTLED PRECEDENTS LIKE ROE V. WADE AND MIRANDA RIGHTS.
AND NOW, THEY MAY DO IT AGAIN, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO LEGAL
EXPERTS, SCOTUS IS LIKELY TO BAN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IN
COLLEGE ADMISSIONS. HARVARD'S LAWYER TRIED TO
EXPLAIN THAT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IS APPLIED ON A CASE-BY-CASE
BASIS, BUT CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS REFUSED TO GET IT.
>> RACE IN SOME-- FOR SOME HIGHLY-QUALIFIED APPLICANTS CAN
BE THE DETERMINATIVE FACTOR, JUST AS BEING THE-- YOU KNOW,
AN OBOE PLAYER, IN A YEAR IN WHICH THE HARVARD-RADCLIFFE
ORCHESTRA NEEDS AN OBOE PLAYER, WOULD BE THE TIP.
>> WE DID NOT FIGHT A CIVIL WAR ABOUT OBOE PLAYERS.
WE DID FIGHT A CIVIL WAR TO ELIMINATE RACIAL DISCRIMINATION,
AND THAT'S WHY IT'S A MATTER OF CONSIDERABLE CONCERN.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON! DOES CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS
REALLY THINK THE CIVIL WAR ELIMINATED RACIAL
DISCRIMINATION? I THINK I KNOW WHO IS NOT ON
pTWITTER! [LAUGHTER]
ALSO, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, WE DID FIGHT A CIVIL WAR
ABOUT OBOE PLAYERS. IT'S ALL IN THAT KEN BURN'S
DOCUMENTARY. >> MY DEAREST SARAH, ON THE EVE
OF BATTLE, I HAVE JUST THOUGHT OF A KILLER OBOE SOLO.
IT GOES LIKE THIS: ♪ DO-DO-DO-DO SQUEEE-DA
DIDDLY-DOO-DA DUH-DOO DOO-DEE-DAH.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MY GUEST IS MATTHEW PERRY.
AND I'LL BE GIVING THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO JAMES TAYLOR.
YEAH, THAT ONE WHEN WE COME BA BACK.
MEANWHILE, JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
RIGHT THERE! SORRY, I GOT SWEPT UP.
I FORGOT TO TOSS TO YOU. I GOT TOO SWEPT UP IN IT.
THAT SOUNDED FANTASTIC. I'M VERY EXCITED TO HAVE SWEET
BABY JAMES ON THE SHOW TONIGHT ALONG WITH MR. MATTHEW PERRY
WHO'S GOT A NEW BOOK FASCINATING ABOUT HIS LIFE RIGHT HERE.
I'LL TELL YOU A QUICK STORY ABOUT BOTH TAYLOR SWIFT AND
JAMES TAYLOR IS THAT -- I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO INTERVIEW AND
TALK TO BOTH OF THEM HERE BUT MY LOVELY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS IN
COLLEGE HAD A COLLEGE RADIO SHOW ONCE A WEEK, TUESDAYS AROUND
6:00 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. USED TO TRY TO TUNE INTO IT OR
7:00, IT WAS AFTER THE SHOW. I LOVED TO LISTEN TO IT ON THE
WAY HOME ON THE INTERNET AND SHE AND HER FRIEND WHO WAS DOING THE
SHOW TOGETHER WANTED TO DO A RADIO SHOW THAT WAS DEDICATED TO
SONGS THEY LIKE AND SONGS THEIR DADS LIKED AND THE NAME OF THE
SHOW WAS JAMES TAYLOR SWIFT. [LAUGHTER]
ISN'T THAT NICE? >> ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE A
STEPHEN JOKE. IT DOES, YEAH.
THAT'S GOOD! [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER
THERE PULLING TOGETHER THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES ASSEMBLING THEM
INTO A SLEEK HULL, ADDING A SYMMETRY
FLIGHT DECK, TWO ROLLS ROYCE BR-725 ENGINES, PANORAMIC OVAL
WINDOWS, AND TRUE CIRCADIAN LIGHTING, TO PRESENT TO YOU THE
MAGNIFICENT GULFSTREAM G-700 JET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, FOLKS, JUST SOMETIMES, I
WASH ASHORE IN A TAILING POND, SHAKE OFF THE SULFIDE HEADACHE,
STEAL A TENT FROM SOME TEENAGERS AND WRAP IT AROUND SOME OLD
BIKE FRAMES AND BOLT ON THE SEAT I RIPPED OUT OF A DISCARDED
GO-KART, THEN CLIMB AN ELECTRICAL TOWER AND LAUNCH
MYSELF IN THE HOBO HANG-GLIDER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
♪ ♪ ♪ "MEANWHILE!"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LET'S DO IT.
LIKE THAT ONE. I LIKE THIS ONE, TOO.
AH... MEANWHILE...
ACCORDING TO THE LATEST RESEARCH, "U.S. WORKERS HAVE
GOTTEN WAY LESS PRODUCTIVE, AND NO ONE IS SURE WHY."
THE RESEARCHERS ADDED, "I'M SURE WE COULD FIGURE IT OUT, BUT...
MEH." [LAUGHTER]
MEANWHILE, THERE'S BEEN A SEXY SCIENTIFIC SEX BREAKTHROUGH,
BECAUSE "SCIENTISTS FINALLY LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE
CLITORIS." WHICH, THEY SAY, HAS "MANY MORE
NERVE ENDINGS THAN WE THOUGHT." TO WHICH COLLEGE-AGED MEN
EVERYWHERE RESPONDED, "OF COURSE-- AND I DEFINITELY KNOW
WHERE THOSE NERVE ENDINGS CAN BE FOUND.
IT'S IN THE BATHING SUIT AREA." MEANWHILE, CHAMPAGNE HOUSE G.H.
MOOM HAS INVENTED A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE THAT CAN DISPENSE BUBBLY
IN SPACE. FANTASTIC.
WHO DOESN'T WANT DRUNK ASTRONAUTS?
[LAUGHTER] "HOUSTON, I HAVE A PROBLEM:
I LOVE YOU! [LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, HOUSTON! LET'S DO KAROKE!
♪ YOU WERE MY VOICE WHEN I COULDN'T"-- ♪
[SNORES] MEANWHILE, IN FAULTY ART NEWS
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, IN DOG FOOD NEWS,
"SAN FRANCISCO'S LATEST TRENDY RESTAURANT CATERS TO CANINES."
MEALS COST $75 AND INCLUDE "FILET MIGNON STEAK TARTARE WITH
QUAIL EGG." PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY WITH DRINKING
DIRECTLY FROM THE TOILET. [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] THERE IS A REVOLUTION COMING.
MEANWHILE, A HOSPITAL IN ITALY RELEASED PHOTOS OF "A RECENT,
DELICATE BRAIN SURGERY DURING WHICH THE PATIENT REMAINED AWAKE
AND PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE." THE REASON HE WAS PLAYING THE
SAX WAS BECAUSE THE SURGEON WAS ALREADY ON THE UPRIGHT BASS.
[LAUGHTER] THERE YOU GO.
HIT IT, BABY. HIT IT.
MEANWHILE, MARIAH CAREY WENT VIRAL FOR RELEASING THIS VIDEO
TODAY TITLED, OMINOUSLY, "IT'S TIME!"
JIM? [CREEPY LAUGHTER]
♪ IT'S TIME ♪ >> Stephen: NO!
[LAUGHTER] IT IS NOT TIME!
IT IS NOT TIME. [APPLAUSE]
NO! HALLOWEEN WAS JUST YESTERDAY,
MARIAH! YOU CANNOT "ALL I WANT FOR
CHRISTMAS" WHILE I STILL HAVE MINI-SNICKERS IN MY LOWER
INTESTINE! [LAUGHTER]
AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS PACKED WITH PEANUTS.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, WE JUST LEARNED THAT
"GERMANY IS GOING TO LEGALIZE CANNABIS USE FOR RECREATIONAL
PURPOSES." [CHEERING]
OH, AND JUST 108 YEARS TOO LATE TO PREVENT A COUPLE WORLD WARS.
[LAUGHTER] "THEY'VE ASSASSINATED ARCHDUKE
FERDINAND!" "DAS IST EINE BUMMER.
[LAUGHTER] NOW LET'S CHILLAX AND WATCH THE
CUCKOO CLOCK!" [LAUGHTER]
THE DECISION IS A LONG TIME COMING.
SO MANY U.S. PRESIDENTS HAVE PUSHED FOR IT OVER THE YEARS,
INCLUDING REAGAN'S FAMOUS SPEECH AT THE BERLIN WALL.
>> MR. GORBACHEV, RIP ON THIS BONG!
[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH MATTHEW PERRY. ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY
FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR AND A WRITER YOU KNOW FROM "THE
WHOLE NINE YARDS" AND OF COURSE, "FRIENDS."
NOW, HE'S WRITTEN A MEMOIR CALLED "FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND THE
BIG TERRIBLE THING." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," MATTHEW PERRY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> I MISSED YOU GUYS. I MISSED ALL OF YOU.
IT'S VERY NICE. >> Stephen: IT'S VERY PLEA
PLEASANT. >> BETTER THAN BOOING.
>> Stephen: LET'S SEE. THE INTERVIEW IS YOUNG.
THE BOOK IS "FRIENDS, LOVERS AND THE BIG TERRIBLE THING," OF
COURSE THE BIG TERRIBLE THING BEING YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH
ADDICTION. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE'LL GET INTO THAT MORE IN JUST A MOMENT BUT
THE FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION IS HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M DOING VERY WELL. THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: VERY GOOD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> THANK YOU. I WOULDN'T SAY THAT I'M A
NARCISSIST, BUT I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT MYSELF ALL DAY AND
I'VE NO VOICE LEFT. >> Stephen: THAT'S PERFECTLY
FINE. THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE.
>> OK. >> Stephen: YOU CAN JUST
WHISPER IN MY EAR AND I'LL TELL EVERYBODY WHAT YOU SAID.
>> OK, THAT SOUNDS GREAT. >> Stephen: YOU SPENT HALF OF
YOUR LIFE IN TREATMENT CENTERS OR SOBER LIVING FACILITIES.
YOU DROPPED $9 MILLION IN AN ATTEMPT TO REMAIN SOBER.
WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO SHARE YOUR STORY IN WAYS YOU NEVER HAVE
BEFORE? NOTHING CLOSE TO THIS!
>> MUCH LIKE MARIAH CAREY, IT IS TIME.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO, BUT LET'S HOPE -- BUT LET'S HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO IT EVERY YEAR LIKE SHE DOES. >> THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S TRUE, AND I DON'T WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT.
>> Stephen: YEAH. >> THE REASON I DID IT, I NEEDED
TO MAKE SURE MY SOBRIETY WAS STRONG AND SAFE AND, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS A -- MY LIFE HAS BEEN -- HAS HAD SO MANY HIGHS AND SO
MANY LOWS THAT I FELT IT WAS TIME AND I FELT THAT IT REALLY
WAS TIME TO HELP PEOPLE. AND MY LIFE HAD GONE TO SUCH LOW
DEGREES WITH ADDICTION THAT THE LOWER THE SCALE I GO, THE MORE
HELPFUL I CAN BE TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAVE GONE SO LOW.
AND I THOUGHT I HAD THAT STORY TO TELL.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE FEELING OF THAT TENSION BETWEEN
THOSE TWO RENTS? -- REALITIES.YOU HAVE YOUR PRIVE
FACT YOU'RE BEING ABUSIVE TO YOURSELF, USING PRIVATE
SUBSTANCES AND PUBLICLY WE KNOW YOU'RE THE FRIENDS, YOU'RE THE
FRIENDLY FRIENDS LIVING THIS WONDERFUL LIFE BUT ESSENTIALLY
YOU LIVE IN AN UNREALISTICALLY LARGE APARTMENT IN NEW YORK CITY
AND DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE. >> REMEMBER, THERE'S NO FOURTH
WALL. >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHY THE RENT IS SO LOW. >> THAT'S WHY THE RENT IS
CHEAPER. >> Stephen: SO TELL ME ABOUT
THE TENSION BETWEEN THOSE TWO THINGS?
DID THAT TENSION TODAY SORT OF YOUR DESIRE TO USE?
>> IT WAS OFTEN -- I DIDN'T HAVE TO ADD TO ANYTHING TO THE DESIRE
TO USE. I JUST WANTED TO AND NEEDED TO
AND IT WAS A SECRET FOR SO LONG, AND ACTUALLY COMING ON TALK
SHOWS IS ONE OF THE WORST PARTS OF IT BECAUSE I REALLY HAD TO
HIDE THIS PROBLEM TO THE NATION, YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: RIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE YOURSELF AND NOT HIDING
BEHIND A CHARACTER. >> I USED TO THINK IT WAS
ESSENTIAL TO BE FUNNY ALL THE TIME, UM, AND HONESTLY I GAVE
THAT UP SORT OF IN MY MID-30'S. I DON'T HAVE TO BE FUNNY.
I THINK I'M ACTUALLY ANNOYING PEOPLE.
JUST BE YOURSELF. IT'S OK.
>> Stephen: DID YOU -- DID YOU -- IN YOUR WORK, BECAUSE
RECOVERY INVOLVES A LOT OF SELF-REFLECTION --
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER COME
TO THE REALIZATION OF WHY YOU WANT THIS SORT OF INTERNAL
ADJUSTMENT OF YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART AND YOUR SPIRIT THROUGH
THE USE OF, YOU KNOW, FOREIGN SUBSTANCES?
>> YOU KNOW, I -- I THOUGHT THE REALITY WAS AN ACQUIRED TASTE,
YOU KNOW? I JUST HAD ACQUIRED --
>> Stephen: NOT FOR EVERYBODY. >> I ACQUIRED VERY LITTLE OF IT.
SOME PEOPLE THEY HAVE A DRINK AND THEY FEEL A LITTLE WACKY AND
THEN THAT'S THE NIGHT FOR THEM. IF I HAVE A DRINK, ALL OF A
SUDDEN REALITY JUST MOVES TO WHERE IT SHOULD BE AND SO I WANT
TO DRINK ALL THE TIME, BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY TIME I FEEL GOOD
AND NORMAL. BUT THEN IT TURNS ON YOU.
THE DRINK TURNS ON YOU AND SAYS, "WELL, NOW I'M GOING TO KILL
YOU." AND THEN YOU SAY, "WELL, HOLD ON
A MINUTE! UM, I DON'T WANT TO DIE, SO
LET'S GO -- LET'S GO TRY TO NOT DO THAT."
BUT I NEEDED TO BE LOCKED UP TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A FRIEND IN COMMON, CHRIS FARLEY, THAT
DID NOT MAKE THE DECISION YOU DID IN TIME.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: AND WE LOST HIM IN
1998? CHRISTMAS OF '97?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: A LONG, LONG TIME AGO.
WERE YOU ALREADY BATTLING WITH YOUR OWN ADDICTION AND USE AT
THE TIME? >> I WAS.
I WAS. >> Stephen: WHEN CHRIS PASSED,
IT WAS SO SHOCKING TO PEOPLE WHO KNEW NOTHING ABOUT CHRIS' LIFE
AND WHAT HE HAD STRUGGLED WITH. DID THAT SCARE YOU INTO -- INTO
TAKING ACTION AT THE TIME? >> THE FIRST THING I DID WAS
PUNCH A WALL THROUGH JENNIFER ANISTON'S DRESSING ROOM WHEN I
FOUND OUT. I JUST PUT A HOLE IN HER
DRESSING ROOM. UM, AND IT -- YES, OF COURSE IT
SCARED ME. BUT BEING SCARED OF IT DOESN'T
-- ISN'T ENOUGH, YOU KNOW? YOU CAN BE SCARED OF IT BUT, UM,
IT DOESN'T DO ENOUGH, YOU KNOW, FOR YOU.
SO, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU GET SCARED ENOUGH -- AND I'M ONE OF
THESE GUYS THAT YOU GO, WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS ALL WENT TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
I NEED HELP AND THAT ULTIMATELY SAVES MY LIFE, BECAUSE I GET
SCARED. >> Stephen: HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU RAISED YOUR HAND AND SAID "I NEED HELP" AT THIS POINT
IN YOUR JOURNEY? >> 14, 15 TIMES.
>> Stephen: IS THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS TIME FOR
YOU? >> WELL, I'VE MANAGED TO BUILD
UP SOME TIME AND REALITY HAS BECOME AN ACQUIRED TASTE.
I'M HAPPY. I'M LIVING THE KIND OF LIFE I
WANT TO LIVE. >> Stephen: IS THIS THE FIRST
BOOK YOU'VE WRITTEN? >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT? HUMAN BEINGS OF ALL STRIPES
RECAST THEMSELVES ALL THE TIME. THEY RECAST THEMSELVES AS THE
HERO OF THEIR OWN STORY TO SAY, OH, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO DID
THAT. I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT BAD
THING. HOW RELIABLE OF A NARRATOR ARE
YOU OF YOUR OWN LIFE DO YOU IMAGINE?
>> I THINK I'M QUITE RELIABLE AFTER ALL OF THIS TIME.
I BLAME MYSELF. I DON'T GO AFTER ANYBODY IN THIS
BOOK. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT AND
I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY RIGHT. YOU KNOW?
I THINK -- I THINK -- I HAD PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT WERE
TELLING ME TO STOP. I HAD PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT, YOU
KNOW, SAY YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF IF YOU KEEP GOING LIKE
THIS, AND I JUST DIDN'T KNOW -- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.
LIKE, IF THE POLICE HAD COME TO MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU'RE GOING
TO -- WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU TO JAIL IF YOU DRINK TONIGHT," I
WOULD HAVE HAD TO PACK FOR JAIL BECAUSE I WAS GOING.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT STICK AROUND
BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF MR. MATTHEW PERRY,
EVERYBODY! [APPLAUSE]
♪ >> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND THE BIG
TERRIBLE THING," MATTHEW PERRY. IN 2019, YOU HAD A HARROWING
HEALTH SCARE. IT WAS A MOMENT OF A CAREER
HIGH. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PLAY
OPPOSITE OF MERYL STREEP IN ADAM MCKAY'S "DON'T LOOK UP."
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED INSTEAD?
>> I GOT CPR AND THE GUY WHO SAVED MY LIFE BROKE EIGHT RIBS
IN THE PROCESS. >> Stephen: MAY I ASK WHY YOU
WERE GETTING CPR? >> THEY WERE DOING A PROCEDURE
BECAUSE I HAD PAIN IN MY STOMACH.
THEY WERE DOING A PROCEDURE AND THEY GAVE ME PROPOTHOL AND MY
HEART STOPPED FOR FIVE MINUTES. >> Stephen: SO YOU WERE
LEGALLY DEAD FOR FIVE MINUTES? >> WELL, NO, I DIDN'T FLAT LINE
BUT MY HEART DID STOP FOR FIVE MINUTES.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT AND FLAT
LINE? >> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: THEY DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE THERE'S NO
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE TWO. DID YOU HAVE AN EXPERIENCE OR
ANYTHING LIKE THAT OR JUST GONE? >> NO, I WOKE UP IN A DIFFERENT
HOSPITAL 10 HOURS LATER AND -- >> Stephen: AND MERYL STREEP
WASN'T THERE. >> MERYL STREEP WASN'T THERE.
I HAD TO GIVE UP THE BIGGEST MOVIE I'D EVER GOTTEN.
I HAD FOUR SCENES WITH MERYL STREEP.
APPARENTLY ON THE SET SHE WAS LIKE "MATTHEW?
MATTHEW, WHERE ARE YOU?" IT'S A COMPLETELY MADE-UP STORY.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WORK WITH MERYL.
>> MERYL IS MERYL. SHE'S OK.
>> Stephen: ONE HIGHLIGHT OF THE 2020 COVID CRISIS WE'RE ALL
AT HOME IS THE "FRIENDS" REUNION.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT
EXPERIENCE LIKE FOR YOU? >> I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT
BECAUSE I HAD HAD TWO DAYS PRIOR A DENTAL EMERGENCY WHERE I HAD
THREE BONE SPURS IN MY MOUTH AND THEY HAD TO BE REMOVED RIGHT
AWAY, AND IN THIS ONE CASE, I THANK THE PAPARAZZI BECAUSE THEY
WERE -- THEY CAUGHT PICTURES OF ME GOING INTO THE DENTIST TWO
DAYS BEFORE THE REUNION. AND I KNEW THAT THERE WAS
SOMETHING OFF WITH ME BECAUSE MY MOUTH WAS ON FIRE, BUT I ALSO
KNEW I HAD TO SHOW UP AT THIS REUNION.
SO MANY PEOPLE WERE INVOLVED. I COULDN'T MOVE IT OR CHANGE IT.
I BASICALLY WENT AND DID THE BEST THAT I COULD BUT I WAS ON
SIX CYLINDER, NOT EIGHT, YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: YOU GREW UP IN CANADA IN OTTAWA, WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH A YOUNG MAN NAMED JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
>> YES. >> Stephen: NOW WHO GETS
RECOGNIZED MORE IN CANADA? [LAUGHTER]
YOU OR TRUDEAU? >> I WOULD SAY TRUDEAU BUT THERE
WAS A BIG RUMOR ABOUT US. >> Stephen: WHAT?
>> I BEAT HIM UP IN GRADE SCH SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: DID YOU? >> I DON'T THINK SO, NO.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE?
>> MY FRIENDS BRYAN MURRAY AND CHRIS MURRAY WHO WERE THE GUYS
-- AND MYSELF -- WHO INVENTED THAT WEIRD WAY OF TALKING, COULD
IT BE OLDER IN HERE? COULD IT BE COLDER IN HERE BY
THE WAY? IT'S REALLY COLD.
>> Stephen: NO, IT COULD NOT. >> OK.
THEY TOLD ME WE BEAT UP JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
I BELIEVED THEM. SOMEHOW HE GOT THE STORY.
HE TWEETED ME. AND HE WANTED TO HAVE A FIGHT.
[LAUGHTER] AND I SAID -- I SAID, "YOU HAVE
YOUR OWN ARMY. NO THANKS!"
AND TE IT ENDED THERE, THANK GOODNESS.
>> Stephen: HOW COULD YOUR WIFE GET WEIRDER?
>> HE SAID WE ALL WANTED TO PUNCH CHANDLER AT ONE TIME OR
ANOTHER. >> Stephen: IT'S ALL IN THE
BOOK. THE BOOK IS
"FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND THE BIG TERRIBLE THING" IS AVAILABLE
NOW. MATTHEW PERRY, EVERYBODY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO JAMES
TAYLOR. ♪
THANK YOU, MATTHEW!
>> Stephen: I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU.
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE HERE WITH MR. JAMES TAYLOR.
YOU KNOW JAMES. JAMES, YOU AND I --
>> I LIVE IN HERE. >> Stephen: WHAT?
>> I LIVE IN HERE. >> Stephen: RIGHT.
THIS IS THE VESSEL THAT CARRIES YOU.
THIS BODY OFFERS TO CARRY YOU FOR NOTHING, BUDDY.
IT'S A HELL OF A BICYCLE. NOW, JAMES, YOU AND I HAVE --
I'VE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO INTERVIEW YOU MANY TIMES.
WE'VE SUNG TOGETHER. UM, WE'VE DONE STUFF TOGETHER.
WE'VE HAD DINNER TOGETHER AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
IT'S -- IT'S REALLY BEEN SUCH A PLEASURE TO GET TO KNOW YOU EVEN
IN THE SMALL WAY I HAVE OVER THE YEARS BUT THE PROBLEM WITH, YOU
KNOW, GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE IS IT'S HARD TO DO IT IN THESE SORT
OF 12-MINUTE TO 15-MINUTE CHUNKS YOU DO ON THE LATE NIGHT SHOW.
WHAT WE'VE DONE HERE ON THE LATE SHOW LAB IS COME UP WITH 15
SCIENTIFICALLY CALIBRATED QUESTIONS CALLED "THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT" THAT PENETRATES TO THE SOUL OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING
AND REVEALS THEM BEFORE THE EYES OF THE WORLD FOR WHO THEY TRULY
ARE. ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO TAKE THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT, JAMES TAYLOR?
>> NO? [LAUGHTER]
YES! YES!
>> Stephen: GOOD MAN! ♪
JAMES TAYLOR, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> CUBAN SANDWICH, MIDNIGHT SANDWICH IT'S CALLED.
>> Stephen: MIDNIGHT SANDWICH? >> IT'S CALLED MEDIA NOCHE,
YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT'S ONE THING
YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> HM, I SHOULD THROW OUT, UM, MY CAR.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S NOT
GOOD OR YOU DON'T LIKE IT? >> IT'S HAD IT.
IT'S HAD IT. >> Stephen: WE'RE NOT
ENDORSING BUT WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING?
>> I DRIVE A FIAT 500 AND A HONDA ELEMENT FROM 2003, BUT THE
CAR I SHOULD THROW OUT IS A MORRIS MINOR.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S A MORRIS MINOR?
>> THE VOLKSWAGEN AND THE FIAT 500 AND THE DECHEVOEAUX FROM
FRANCE WERE THE PEOPLE'S CAR MADE TO PUT THE POPULATION ON
WHEELS. IN THIS COUNTRY THE NASH RAMBLER
I THINK -- >> Stephen: SURE!
WITH THE JUMP SEAT IN THE BACK. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT THE MORRIS MINOR WAS THE BRITISH EQUIVALENT OF THE
VOLKSWAGEN. IT WAS JUST -- THEY MADE IT FROM
SOMETIME IN THE -- IT MAY HAVE ACTUALLY PRECEDED THE WAR BUT IT
CERTAINLY WAS MADE FROM AFTER WORLD WAR II UNTIL ABOUT 1968,
MAYBE LATER. >> Stephen: WHY DO YOU HAVE
ONE? >> I -- I -- THAT'S THE --
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD QUESTION AND I --
[LAUGHTER] -- AND THAT'S WHY -- THAT'S -- I
KEEP ASKING MYSELF THAT AND I SHOULD SELL IT.
>> Stephen: OK. >> SO JUST CALL THE NUMBER ON
YOUR SCREEN AND -- [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: DOES IT RUN?
IT RUNS? >> WELL, IT DID THE LAST TIME I
DROVE IT DOWNHILL. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> UM, UM, -- BUBONIC PLAGUE.
>> Stephen: I GUESS THAT'S A LIVING THING, YEAH.
FOR SURE. >> IT'S A GERM BUT.
>> Stephen: IT'S A TINY ANIMAL.
>> IT'S A TINY ANIMAL. >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES.
>> APPLES, HONEY CRISP. [APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW THAT? DO YOU KNOW THAT ONE?
>> Stephen: I KNOW THE HONEY CRISP.
I'M A FUGI MAN BUT -- YOU KNOW. -- FUJI MAN BUT -- YOU.
>> THE HONEY CRISP IS RELATED TO THE FUJI.
HONEY CRISP HAS FUJI IN IT'S RNA OR WHATEVER IT HAS.
WHEN THEY MAKE A NEW APPLE -- WHENEVER YOU PUT --
>> Stephen: WHEN ONE APPLE LOVES ANOTHER APPLE VERY MUCH --
>> VERY MUCH. >> Stephen: THEY SHARE A VERY
SPECIAL BEE. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, YOU NEVER KNOW -- IF YOU PLANT AN APPLE FROM SEED, IF YOU
LET AN APPLE GO TO SEED, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO
GET, BUT WHEN YOU GET ONE THAT'S REALLY MAKING A GOOD APPLE, THEN
YOU -- THEN YOU BASICALLY MAKE CUTTINGS OFF OF THAT ONE AND
GRAFT AWAY. >> Stephen: GRAFT AWAY.
DO YOU HAVE AN ORCHARD OR ANYTHING?
YOU SOUND LIKE A GUY THAT'S GOT AN ORCHARD.
>> I HAVE A COUPLE OF APPLE TREES.
>> Stephen: ARE THEY HONEY CRISPS?
>> THEY ARE. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> YEAH. YEAH I HAVE.
I ASKED, UM, PETER YARROW FROM PETER, PAUL AND MARY FOR HIS
AUTOGRAPH ONCE. >> Stephen: WOW!
HOW -- LIKE WHEN? >> LIKE I MIGHT HAVE BEEN 14.
>> >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S
AWESOME. DID YOU GET IT?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WOW.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, JAMES?
>> I THINK WE SHOULD ROT. >> Stephen: NO EMBALMING OR
CASKET? PLANT AN APPLE TREE OVER US?
>> THAT'S WHAT I THINK. >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO HOLD
YOU TO THAT. I'M SORRY, DID YOU WANT TO SAY
SOMETHING MORE ABOUT DEATH? >> NO.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
IT'S A COMEDY SHOW IF YOU WANTED TO GO ON.
>> IT'S A BIG TOPIC. >> Stephen: IT'S THE BIGGIE,
YEAH. YEAH.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE?
>> THE BOURNE MOVIES. THE MATTHEW DAMON.
>> Stephen: THE CLOSE KNIFE FIGHTING.
ROLLED UP NEWSPAPERS AND EVERYTHING.
IT'S FANTASTIC. >> HE PUTS THE MAGAZINE IN THE
TOASTER. >> Stephen: AND LET'S THE GAS
GO! >> IT'S SO GREAT!
>> >> Stephen: I'LL WATCH THAT
MOVIE JUST TO GET TO THAT SCENE BEFORE I GO TO BED AND TURN OFF
TBS. >> THAT MATT DAMON.
>> Stephen: THAT MATT DAMON. TOUGH GUY.
SEXY GUY, HAH? THAT MATT DAMON.
WINDOW OR AISLE? >> AISLE.
AISLE. >> Stephen: WHY?
BECAUSE I HAVE MY REASON. I'M JUST CURIOUS.
>> I DON'T HAVE TO CLIMB OVER SOMEBODY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
I DON'T MIND GOING UP AND LETTING SOMEONE GO BY.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE THE HERO.
>> YEAH. RIGHT.
I WOULD RATHER BE SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENCED THAN FEEL AS
THOUGH I WAS INCONVENIENCING SOMEONE ELSE.
[APPLAUSE] IT'S NOT NICE.
>> Stephen: I GOTTA SAY THAT'S A REALLY LOW BAR FOR A WWW!
HE DIDN'T SAVE A PUPPY. >> AND -- AND THERE'S NOTHING
THAT ANYONE EVER DOES THAT'S NOT SELFISH.
>> Stephen: A WWW W! HA-HA HA-HA.
CATS OR DOGS? >> WELL, I -- I'M SORT OF SPLIT
CATS AND DOGS BUT RIGHT NOW I HAVE PUPPIES, TWO NEW PUGS, AND
SO RIGHT NOW DOGS. BUT I --
>> Stephen: BUT DOGS SMALL ENOUGH A CAT COULD TAKE 'EM IN A
FIGHT? >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: GOT TO KEEP IT EVEN.
YOU HAVE CATS AS WELL? >> I'M BETWEEN CATS RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: IS IT SOMETHING YOU SAID?
IS IT? >> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE. WHAT IS IT?
>> I MEAN, IS IT MANDATORY I LISTEN TO IT?
CAN I NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING? CAN I TURN IT WAY DOWN?
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THIS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- IT'S NOT
LIKE IT'S PLAYING IN A VISION OF HELL WHERE IT NEVER TURNS OFF.
IT'S JUT THAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG
TO GO TO AND, OH, I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO SOMETHING AND THIS IS
THE SONG THAT COMES ON. MUSICIANS REALLY DON'T LIKE THIS
QUESTION. >> YEAH.
LET'S SEE, I GUESS I'D SAY, UM PROBABLY ANTONIO CARLOS UVENE
WITH THE STAN GETZ VERSION OF IT.
>> Stephen: IS THAT THE -- IS THAT --
>> SAME RECORD, TOO. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF? >> FIVE.
FIVE. >> Stephen: NO.
[LAUGHTER] BUT SPEAKING OF WHICH, DESCRIBE
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> PLAY THE HAND I'M DEALT. [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, JAMES.
YOU'RE KNOWN! AMERICAN STANDARD IS AVAILABLE
NOW. JAMES TAYLOR, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SENATOR ELIZABETH
WARREN, AND WE'LL TALK NUCLEAR WEAPONS WITH FORMER SECRETARY OF
ENERGY, ERNEST MONICE. STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN.
GOOD NIGHT.