1 00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:02,836 >> IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, 2 00:00:02,902 --> 00:00:05,705 PENNSYLVANIA SENATE CANDIDATE DR. OZ SEEMED TO SUGGEST THAT 3 00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:09,442 PENNSYLVANIA IS ON THE ATLANTIC COAST, WHICH IT IS NOT. 4 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,778 PENNSYLVANIA IS A LAND-LOCKED STATE. 5 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,747 > PENNSYLVANIA IS TOO IMPORTANT AND, LISTEN, THIS IS IMPORTANT. 6 00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:17,317 WE DO NOT HAVE A REPUBLICAN SENATOR NORTH OF NORTH CAROLINA 7 00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:20,053 ON THE ATLANTIC COAST UNTIL YOU GET TO MAINE, IF I DON'T HOLD 8 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,821 THIS SEAT. 9 00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:29,662 ♪ ♪ ♪ 10 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:47,313 ♪ ♪ ♪ 11 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:53,553 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" 12 00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:59,325 TONIGHT: AGAINST ALL OZ! AND JAMES TAYLOR TAKES THE 13 00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:04,431 "COLBERT QUESTIONERT." PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 14 00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:11,137 MATTHEW PERRY FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE 15 00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:16,709 LATE SHOW BAND! AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 16 00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:25,952 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 17 00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:29,956 ♪ ♪ ♪ [APPLAUSE] 18 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:42,435 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: HELLO. 19 00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:43,770 HELLO. I'M FEELING IT. 20 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,906 NICE AND EASY, EVERYBODY. STEADY AS SHE GOES. 21 00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:53,012 STEADY AS SHE GOES. >> Stephen: HELLO, MY FRIENDS. 22 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,815 HELLO! THANK YOU, EVERYBODY! 23 00:01:55,882 --> 00:02:05,792 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE 24 00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,560 SHIPS AT SEA TO THE LATE SHOW, WELCOME. 25 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:12,465 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YEAH, THANK YOU. 26 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:14,901 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS. 27 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:19,205 EVERYBODY HERE, THANK YOU. MY FRIENDS OUT THERE, I NEED 28 00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:24,310 YOUR STRENGTH BECAUSE I COME TO YOU DEFIANT, UNBROKEN, UNBOWED 29 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,480 EVEN THOUGH LAST NIGHT THEY HELD THE DRAWING FOR THE 30 00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:28,548 BILLION-DOLLAR POWERBALL JACKPOT, AND THERE WERE NO 31 00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:33,586 pWINNERS. NO -- NO WINNER! 32 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,989 OH REALLY? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? 33 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:38,091 CONSIDERING LAST NIGHT, ON THIS SHOW, I ANNOUNCED THAT THESE 34 00:02:38,157 --> 00:02:41,861 WERE THE WINNING NUMBERS! THESE RIGHT HERE WERE THE 35 00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:45,765 WINNING NUMBERS, BECAUSE MAY I REMIND YOU THEY'RE ON MY TICKET, 36 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:49,035 OK? [APPLAUSE] 37 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:51,337 I EVEN PROMISED TO SHARE THE PROCEEDS WITH THE AUDIENCE HERE! 38 00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:58,444 ALL RIGHT? FOLKS, WE WERE GETTING READY TO 39 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:02,715 WIN THIS POWERBALL. FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS 40 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:05,685 POWERBALL. [APPLAUSE] 41 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:09,222 BUT THEN -- NO! NO WAIT! 42 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:12,025 LISTEN, BUT THEN AT 11:00 P.M., THERE WAS A MASSIVE BALL DUMP, 43 00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:14,627 OK? THE DOMINION POWERBALL MACHINE 44 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:18,798 FLIPPED ALL THE NUMBERS. HOW WERE THOSE BALLS FLOATING 45 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:23,102 AROUND IN THERE LIKE THAT? COULD IT BE... 46 00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:28,675 HUGO CHAVEZ'S GHOST ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT? 47 00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:31,778 OH! THEY STOLE THIS POWERBALL FROM 48 00:03:31,844 --> 00:03:35,048 ALL OF US, AUDIENCE. WHICH IS WHY I AM HOLDING A 49 00:03:35,114 --> 00:03:36,316 "STOP THE BALL" RALLY AT THE BODEGA WHERE I BOUGHT THE 50 00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:39,552 TICKET. [APPLAUSE] 51 00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:42,789 BE THERE. WILL BE WILD. 52 00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:44,624 I'LL TELL YOU, I CALLED THE LOTTO OFFICIALS LAST NIGHT, AND 53 00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,426 I SAID, "FELLAS, I MISSED THE WINNING NUMBER BY 54 00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:50,530 ONLY... ALL THE NUMBERS. I JUST NEED YOU TO FIND ME SIX 55 00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:51,664 WINNING NUMBERS. GIVE ME A BREAK. 56 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,400 AND A BILLION DOLLARS." IF MY THEORY SOUNDS CRAZY, LET 57 00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:58,171 ME POINT OUT... I HAVE A PILLOW. 58 00:03:58,237 --> 00:04:02,709 [LAUGHTER] OK? 59 00:04:02,775 --> 00:04:10,883 IT CAN BE YOURS FOR A BILLION DOLLARS. 60 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:14,554 [LAUGHTER] YESTERDAY WAS ALSO HALLOWEEN. 61 00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:16,856 THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY HAD AN EVENTFUL EVENING, 62 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,458 GREETING TRICK-OR-TREATERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE FIRST 63 00:04:18,524 --> 00:04:22,695 TIME. JILL DRESSED AS A BUTTERFLY, 64 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,632 AND JOE DRESSED AS "GRANDPA WHO THINKS A HAT COUNTS AS A 65 00:04:25,698 --> 00:04:28,067 COSTUME." [LAUGHTER] 66 00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:30,036 VERY SWEET. THIS IS GOOD. 67 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,271 THIS IS GOOD, BUDDY. I'M ALL SET. 68 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:33,339 THEY HAD A GREAT TIME GIVING OUT CANDY TO ALL THE 69 00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,274 TRICK-OR-TREATERS. KNOWING BIDEN, I'M GUESSING 70 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,710 THE KIDS GOT LICORICE AND AMTRAK SCHEDULES. 71 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:42,448 [LAUGHTER] OK? 72 00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:44,851 UH-HUH. DON'T TAKE THE LOCAL. 73 00:04:44,917 --> 00:04:50,590 THAT'SER HOURS. YOU WANT TO TAKE THE ACCELA. 74 00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:53,292 THE COSTUMES WERE SO CUTE. CHECK OUT THIS LIL' PUMPKIN, 75 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,528 SEEN HERE 12 MINUTES INTO A STORY ABOUT SCRANTON'S MINOR 76 00:04:55,595 --> 00:05:02,101 LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM. ACCORDING TO REPORTERS ON THE 77 00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:03,302 SCENE, THE PRESIDENT WAS PARTICULARLY PLEASED WITH A BABY 78 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:08,307 DRESSED UP AS A POTATO-CHIP BAG. [LAUGHTER] 79 00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,710 "HELL OF A COSTUME THERE, BABY JACK. 80 00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:12,245 MY GRANDPA USED TO WORK DOWN AT THE RUFFLES FACTORY. 81 00:05:12,311 --> 00:05:14,681 HE ADDED THE RIDGES WITH A BANDSAW. 82 00:05:14,747 --> 00:05:16,282 [LAUGHTER] HE'D COME HOME, HANDS ALL SALTY, 83 00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:18,384 ENDED UP WITH SOUR CREAM-AND-ONION LUNG. 84 00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,553 [LAUGHTER] BUT IT WAS HONEST WORK. 85 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,956 ONE TIME, HE TOOK US TO MEET MR. PRINGLE. 86 00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:26,859 LIVED IN A BIG, FANCY TUBE UP ON THE HILL. 87 00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,261 [LAUGHTER] NO WINDOWS, BUT THE BASEMENT WAS 88 00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,295 FULL OF CRUMBS. WE'D RUN DOWN THERE, SPOIL OUR 89 00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:32,865 SUPPERS. NOW, CHESTER CHEETAH NEXT DOOR, 90 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:35,735 HE WAS AN ODD FELLA. [LAUGHTER] 91 00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:37,270 DIDN'T TALK MUCH, LEFT A BIG ORANGE STREAK WHEREVER HE WENT. 92 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:40,406 SAD STORY. [LAUGHTER] 93 00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:42,408 NOT EASY BEING CHEESY, MONTEREY JACK." 94 00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:46,479 [LAUGHTER] SPEAKING OF SPOOKY, PENNSYLVANI 95 00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:48,981 [APPLAUSE] REALLY? 96 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:57,924 REALLY? WOW! 97 00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,759 SPEAKING OF SPOOKY, PENNSYLVANI SENATE CANDIDATE AND CORN 98 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:02,829 MIME... MEHMET OZ. 99 00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,497 [LAUGHTER] YESTERDAY, ON THE FOX NEWS, 100 00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:06,432 OZ MADE HIS CASE TO REPRESENT PENNSYLVANIA, WHILE ALSO 101 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:11,604 DEMONSTRATING HE DOES NOT KNOW WHERE PENNSYLVANIA IS. 102 00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,172 >> LISTEN, THIS IS IMPORTANT. WE DO NOT HAVE A REPUBLICAN 103 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:16,309 SENATOR NORTH OF NORTH CAROLINA ON THE ATLANTIC COAST UNTIL YOU 104 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,578 GET TO MAINE, IF I DON'T HOLD THIS SEAT. 105 00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:22,915 >> Stephen: YES, THE ATLANTIC COASTLINE OF PENNSYLVANIA. 106 00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:24,350 FROM THE SUNNY BEACHES OF SCRANTON TO THE WHITE SANDS OF 107 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:27,820 ALLENTOWN. [LAUGHTER] 108 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,156 OF COURSE, PENNSYLVANIA HAS A LONG ASSOCIATION WITH THE OCEAN. 109 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:35,061 OTHERWISE, HOW COULD I OWN THIS VERY REAL CD, "NOW THAT'S WHAT I 110 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:38,598 CALL SONGS ABOUT THE BEACHES OF PENNSYLVANIA?" 111 00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:41,267 [LAUGHTER] pIT'S GOT TIMELESS CLASSICS, LIE 112 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,570 "SITTING ON THE DOCK OF THE WAWA," "WASTING AWAY IN 113 00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:47,106 YEUNGLING-VILLE," "WISH THEY ALL COULD BE KING OF PRUSSIA GIRLS," 114 00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:49,809 AND, OF COURSE, "ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENY PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH 115 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:55,148 BIKINI." [LAUGHTER] 116 00:06:55,214 --> 00:07:01,554 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MOVING ON TO SOMEONE WHO REALLY 117 00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:03,456 IS FROM PENNSYLVANIA, MY DEAR, DEAR FRIEND... 118 00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,258 MUSICAL ICON TAYLOR SWIFT... [CHEERING] 119 00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:11,430 SEEN HERE LEARNING ABOUT KANYE GETTING KICKED OUT OF SKECHERS. 120 00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:15,134 [LAUGHTER] 12 DAYS AGO, LOR-LOR, AS I CALL 121 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:17,804 HER, RELEASED HER NEW ALBUM, "MIDNIGHTS." 122 00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:26,712 IT'S AN ABSOLUTE BOP THAT SLAPS. OR A SLAP THAT BOPS? 123 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,080 NOT SURE. AND NOW, TAYLOR SWIFT HAS BECOME 124 00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:29,215 THE FIRST ARTIST EVER TO CLAIM EVERY SINGLE TOP-TEN SPOT ON 125 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,151 BILLBOARD'S HOT 100 CHART AT ONCE. 126 00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:38,558 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALL AT ONCE, BABY! 127 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:41,727 THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE! IS THAT REALLY TRUE? 128 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:42,795 LET'S FACT-CHECK THAT. WHO'S GOT EVERY SINGLE ON THE 129 00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:47,834 TOP TEN? ♪ IT'S ME ♪ 130 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:48,701 [LAUGHTER] OK. 131 00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:51,237 CHECKS OUT. THERE'S AN UPDATE FROM NEW 132 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,139 TWITTER OWNER AN PROOF THAT NO ONE'S RICH ENOUGH TO PULL OFF 133 00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:55,708 A BUSINESS CASUAL BANDANA... ELON MUSK. 134 00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,077 [LAUGHTER] MUSK HAS BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE 135 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:01,547 OUT WAYS TO MONETIZE TWITTER, WHICH IS WHY, ACCORDING TO A 136 00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:03,816 LEAKED BUSINESS PLAN, TWITTER WOULD START CHARGING $20 PER 137 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:08,321 MONTH FOR VERIFICATION. AND USERS WHO ARE ALREADY 138 00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,656 VERIFIED WILL HAVE 90 DAYS TO SUBSCRIBE OR LOSE THEIR BLUE 139 00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:14,694 CHECKMARK. THAT WILL BE CHAOS! 140 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,096 I RELY ON THAT BLUE CHECKMARK TO KNOW WHICH OF MY BUTTER'S I 141 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:20,333 CAN'T NOT BELIEVE! [LAUGHTER] 142 00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:26,272 YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT PARAGONS OF AUTHENTICITY LIKE 143 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:29,508 PAPA JOHN'S, AND PAPA JOHN'S U.K., RISK FALLING TO THE SAME 144 00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:33,846 LEVEL AS UN-VERIFIED FRAUDS LIKE PAPA JOHN'S HOUSTON? 145 00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:37,884 [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN PAPA 146 00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,652 JOHN'S SAYS, "WE CANNOT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE VERIFY THAT THAT 147 00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:42,822 IS PIZZA." [LAUGHTER] 148 00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:48,060 TWITTER'S BIG USERS ARE ALSO -- SURE. 149 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,362 WHY NOT? [APPLAUSE] 150 00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:53,232 MAYBE NOT PIZZA! MAYBE NOT PIZZA! 151 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:54,467 TWITTER'S BIG USERS ARE ALSO UPSET. 152 00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,002 LIKE HORROR AUTHOR STEPHEN KING, WHO TWEETED, "$20 A MONTH TO 153 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:59,505 KEEP MY BLUE CHECK? [BLEEP] THAT. 154 00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:04,377 THEY SHOULD PAY ME." [APPLAUSE] 155 00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:10,549 TO WHICH MUSK DIRECTLY RESPONDED, "WE NEED TO PAY THE 156 00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:12,652 BILLS SOMEHOW! TWITTER CANNOT RELY ENTIRELY ON 157 00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:15,054 ADVERTISERS. HOW ABOUT $8?" 158 00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:20,893 OKAY, HOW 'BOUT $8? THAT WAS A QUICK FOLD. 159 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,830 THAT WAS A QUICK FOLD FROM THE BUSINESSMAN. 160 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:26,065 OK? HOW ABOUT $8? 161 00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:31,837 WE DID THE MATH -- AND THIS IS TRUE -- AT $8 A MONTH TIMES THE 162 00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:35,274 400,000 VERIFIED USERS PRESENTLY ON 50ER EQUALS $38.4 MILLION PER 163 00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:40,546 YEAR! DIVIDE THE 44 BILLION PAID BY 164 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,648 MUSK BY THE 38.4 MILLION OF INCOME, HE CAN PAY OFF HIS 165 00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:50,189 PURCHASE IN 1,145 YEARS! BY WHICH TIME THIS HAIRCUT MIGHT 166 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:54,593 BE IN STYLE! MOVING ON TO SOMETHING THAT 167 00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,662 WILL EXPLODE BEFORE ELON TURNS A PROFIT ON TWITTER: 168 00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:59,932 THE SUN. OVER THE WEEKEND, NASA RELEASED 169 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:05,771 THIS ULTRAVIOLET IMAGE. AWWW, LOOK AT THAT SUN! 170 00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:07,139 WHO'S THE CUTEST LITTLE GUY WITH THE POWER OF A TRILLION 171 00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:10,042 NUCLEAR BOMBS? YOU ARE! 172 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:16,816 THIS IS A MAJOR ASTRONOMICAL DISCOVERY-- 173 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:18,317 AND IT PROVES THE PICTURE I DREW IN SECOND GRADE IS 174 00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:22,021 SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE, MRS. WILLIAMS. 175 00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:27,426 [APPLAUSE] TURNS OUT, THE DARK PATCHES 176 00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:31,897 ARE REGIONS WHERE SOLAR WIND ESCAPES MORE QUICKLY AND 177 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,834 READILY INTO SPACE, MAKING THESE REGIONS COOLER. 178 00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:37,703 COOLER? I THINK WE ALL KNOW THERE'S ONLY 179 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:42,808 ONE WAY TO MAKE THAT SUN COOLER. DEAL WITH IT. 180 00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:44,877 NOW, THAT SMILE LOOKS CUTE, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A LITTLE CREEPY, 181 00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:47,513 SPEAKING OF THE END OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD DEAR... 182 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,282 THE SUPREME COURT. THEY SPENT THE SUMMER STOMPING 183 00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:53,252 ON SETTLED PRECEDENTS LIKE ROE V. WADE AND MIRANDA RIGHTS. 184 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,488 AND NOW, THEY MAY DO IT AGAIN, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO LEGAL 185 00:10:55,554 --> 00:10:58,824 EXPERTS, SCOTUS IS LIKELY TO BAN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IN 186 00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:01,327 COLLEGE ADMISSIONS. HARVARD'S LAWYER TRIED TO 187 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:04,897 EXPLAIN THAT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IS APPLIED ON A CASE-BY-CASE 188 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:09,068 BASIS, BUT CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS REFUSED TO GET IT. 189 00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:13,739 >> RACE IN SOME-- FOR SOME HIGHLY-QUALIFIED APPLICANTS CAN 190 00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:21,080 BE THE DETERMINATIVE FACTOR, JUST AS BEING THE-- YOU KNOW, 191 00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:22,848 AN OBOE PLAYER, IN A YEAR IN WHICH THE HARVARD-RADCLIFFE 192 00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:25,384 ORCHESTRA NEEDS AN OBOE PLAYER, WOULD BE THE TIP. 193 00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:28,888 >> WE DID NOT FIGHT A CIVIL WAR ABOUT OBOE PLAYERS. 194 00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:32,091 WE DID FIGHT A CIVIL WAR TO ELIMINATE RACIAL DISCRIMINATION, 195 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:37,329 AND THAT'S WHY IT'S A MATTER OF CONSIDERABLE CONCERN. 196 00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:41,867 >> Stephen: HOLD ON! DOES CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS 197 00:11:41,934 --> 00:11:45,371 REALLY THINK THE CIVIL WAR ELIMINATED RACIAL 198 00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:46,605 DISCRIMINATION? I THINK I KNOW WHO IS NOT ON 199 00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:50,576 pTWITTER! [LAUGHTER] 200 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:51,944 ALSO, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, WE DID FIGHT A CIVIL WAR 201 00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:53,813 ABOUT OBOE PLAYERS. IT'S ALL IN THAT KEN BURN'S 202 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,983 DOCUMENTARY. >> MY DEAREST SARAH, ON THE EVE 203 00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:02,922 OF BATTLE, I HAVE JUST THOUGHT OF A KILLER OBOE SOLO. 204 00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:05,825 IT GOES LIKE THIS: ♪ DO-DO-DO-DO SQUEEE-DA 205 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:10,896 DIDDLY-DOO-DA DUH-DOO DOO-DEE-DAH. 206 00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:13,399 >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 207 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:14,667 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MY GUEST IS MATTHEW PERRY. 208 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:17,937 AND I'LL BE GIVING THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO JAMES TAYLOR. 209 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:21,707 YEAH, THAT ONE WHEN WE COME BA BACK. 210 00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,943 MEANWHILE, JOIN US, WON'T YOU? 211 00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:07,186 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED. 212 00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:08,654 GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY! 213 00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:13,692 RIGHT THERE! SORRY, I GOT SWEPT UP. 214 00:13:13,759 --> 00:13:17,463 I FORGOT TO TOSS TO YOU. I GOT TOO SWEPT UP IN IT. 215 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,966 THAT SOUNDED FANTASTIC. I'M VERY EXCITED TO HAVE SWEET 216 00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:23,936 BABY JAMES ON THE SHOW TONIGHT ALONG WITH MR. MATTHEW PERRY 217 00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:27,406 WHO'S GOT A NEW BOOK FASCINATING ABOUT HIS LIFE RIGHT HERE. 218 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,809 I'LL TELL YOU A QUICK STORY ABOUT BOTH TAYLOR SWIFT AND 219 00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:34,113 JAMES TAYLOR IS THAT -- I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO INTERVIEW AND 220 00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:38,484 TALK TO BOTH OF THEM HERE BUT MY LOVELY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS IN 221 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:42,621 COLLEGE HAD A COLLEGE RADIO SHOW ONCE A WEEK, TUESDAYS AROUND 222 00:13:42,688 --> 00:13:45,925 6:00 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. USED TO TRY TO TUNE INTO IT OR 223 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:48,761 7:00, IT WAS AFTER THE SHOW. I LOVED TO LISTEN TO IT ON THE 224 00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:51,931 WAY HOME ON THE INTERNET AND SHE AND HER FRIEND WHO WAS DOING THE 225 00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:57,136 SHOW TOGETHER WANTED TO DO A RADIO SHOW THAT WAS DEDICATED TO 226 00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:59,371 SONGS THEY LIKE AND SONGS THEIR DADS LIKED AND THE NAME OF THE 227 00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:03,442 SHOW WAS JAMES TAYLOR SWIFT. [LAUGHTER] 228 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:06,612 ISN'T THAT NICE? >> ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE A 229 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,613 STEPHEN JOKE. IT DOES, YEAH. 230 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,350 THAT'S GOOD! [APPLAUSE] 231 00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:15,554 >> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER 232 00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:19,758 THERE PULLING TOGETHER THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES ASSEMBLING THEM 233 00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:21,293 INTO A SLEEK HULL, ADDING A SYMMETRY 234 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:26,498 FLIGHT DECK, TWO ROLLS ROYCE BR-725 ENGINES, PANORAMIC OVAL 235 00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,568 WINDOWS, AND TRUE CIRCADIAN LIGHTING, TO PRESENT TO YOU THE 236 00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:34,039 MAGNIFICENT GULFSTREAM G-700 JET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 237 00:14:34,106 --> 00:14:39,245 BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, FOLKS, JUST SOMETIMES, I 238 00:14:39,311 --> 00:14:42,414 WASH ASHORE IN A TAILING POND, SHAKE OFF THE SULFIDE HEADACHE, 239 00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:45,417 STEAL A TENT FROM SOME TEENAGERS AND WRAP IT AROUND SOME OLD 240 00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:48,754 BIKE FRAMES AND BOLT ON THE SEAT I RIPPED OUT OF A DISCARDED 241 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,756 GO-KART, THEN CLIMB AN ELECTRICAL TOWER AND LAUNCH 242 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:54,360 MYSELF IN THE HOBO HANG-GLIDER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 243 00:14:54,426 --> 00:15:00,432 ♪ ♪ ♪ "MEANWHILE!" 244 00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:04,570 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LET'S DO IT. 245 00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:08,941 LIKE THAT ONE. I LIKE THIS ONE, TOO. 246 00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:15,514 AH... MEANWHILE... 247 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,283 ACCORDING TO THE LATEST RESEARCH, "U.S. WORKERS HAVE 248 00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:18,984 GOTTEN WAY LESS PRODUCTIVE, AND NO ONE IS SURE WHY." 249 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:21,120 THE RESEARCHERS ADDED, "I'M SURE WE COULD FIGURE IT OUT, BUT... 250 00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:27,459 MEH." [LAUGHTER] 251 00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:31,964 MEANWHILE, THERE'S BEEN A SEXY SCIENTIFIC SEX BREAKTHROUGH, 252 00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,932 BECAUSE "SCIENTISTS FINALLY LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE 253 00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:38,771 CLITORIS." WHICH, THEY SAY, HAS "MANY MORE 254 00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:42,675 NERVE ENDINGS THAN WE THOUGHT." TO WHICH COLLEGE-AGED MEN 255 00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:44,343 EVERYWHERE RESPONDED, "OF COURSE-- AND I DEFINITELY KNOW 256 00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:49,081 WHERE THOSE NERVE ENDINGS CAN BE FOUND. 257 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:59,792 IT'S IN THE BATHING SUIT AREA." MEANWHILE, CHAMPAGNE HOUSE G.H. 258 00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:02,094 MOOM HAS INVENTED A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE THAT CAN DISPENSE BUBBLY 259 00:16:02,161 --> 00:16:04,930 IN SPACE. FANTASTIC. 260 00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:09,501 WHO DOESN'T WANT DRUNK ASTRONAUTS? 261 00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:13,639 [LAUGHTER] "HOUSTON, I HAVE A PROBLEM: 262 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:17,309 I LOVE YOU! [LAUGHTER] 263 00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:22,681 YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, HOUSTON! LET'S DO KAROKE! 264 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:28,120 ♪ YOU WERE MY VOICE WHEN I COULDN'T"-- ♪ 265 00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:38,063 [SNORES] MEANWHILE, IN FAULTY ART NEWS 266 00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:43,769 [LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, IN DOG FOOD NEWS, 267 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,170 "SAN FRANCISCO'S LATEST TRENDY RESTAURANT CATERS TO CANINES." 268 00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:46,939 MEALS COST $75 AND INCLUDE "FILET MIGNON STEAK TARTARE WITH 269 00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:49,375 QUAIL EGG." PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY WITH DRINKING 270 00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:54,880 DIRECTLY FROM THE TOILET. [LAUGHTER] 271 00:16:54,947 --> 00:17:04,289 [APPLAUSE] THERE IS A REVOLUTION COMING. 272 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,493 MEANWHILE, A HOSPITAL IN ITALY RELEASED PHOTOS OF "A RECENT, 273 00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:09,228 DELICATE BRAIN SURGERY DURING WHICH THE PATIENT REMAINED AWAKE 274 00:17:09,294 --> 00:17:11,663 AND PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE." THE REASON HE WAS PLAYING THE 275 00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:16,034 SAX WAS BECAUSE THE SURGEON WAS ALREADY ON THE UPRIGHT BASS. 276 00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:22,875 [LAUGHTER] THERE YOU GO. 277 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:24,777 HIT IT, BABY. HIT IT. 278 00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:26,111 MEANWHILE, MARIAH CAREY WENT VIRAL FOR RELEASING THIS VIDEO 279 00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:28,147 TODAY TITLED, OMINOUSLY, "IT'S TIME!" 280 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:38,824 JIM? [CREEPY LAUGHTER] 281 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:45,264 ♪ IT'S TIME ♪ >> Stephen: NO! 282 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,300 [LAUGHTER] IT IS NOT TIME! 283 00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:52,971 IT IS NOT TIME. [APPLAUSE] 284 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:54,673 NO! HALLOWEEN WAS JUST YESTERDAY, 285 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,009 MARIAH! YOU CANNOT "ALL I WANT FOR 286 00:17:57,075 --> 00:17:58,143 CHRISTMAS" WHILE I STILL HAVE MINI-SNICKERS IN MY LOWER 287 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:02,681 INTESTINE! [LAUGHTER] 288 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,150 AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS PACKED WITH PEANUTS. 289 00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:09,254 [LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, WE JUST LEARNED THAT 290 00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:10,722 "GERMANY IS GOING TO LEGALIZE CANNABIS USE FOR RECREATIONAL 291 00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:16,962 PURPOSES." [CHEERING] 292 00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:20,966 OH, AND JUST 108 YEARS TOO LATE TO PREVENT A COUPLE WORLD WARS. 293 00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:22,801 [LAUGHTER] "THEY'VE ASSASSINATED ARCHDUKE 294 00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:33,612 FERDINAND!" "DAS IST EINE BUMMER. 295 00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:37,149 [LAUGHTER] NOW LET'S CHILLAX AND WATCH THE 296 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:40,285 CUCKOO CLOCK!" [LAUGHTER] 297 00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:42,054 THE DECISION IS A LONG TIME COMING. 298 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,957 SO MANY U.S. PRESIDENTS HAVE PUSHED FOR IT OVER THE YEARS, 299 00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:49,428 INCLUDING REAGAN'S FAMOUS SPEECH AT THE BERLIN WALL. 300 00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:54,399 >> MR. GORBACHEV, RIP ON THIS BONG! 301 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,067 [APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT 302 00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:56,835 BACK WITH MATTHEW PERRY. ♪ 303 00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:16,021 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. 304 00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:20,125 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY 305 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:24,530 FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR AND A WRITER YOU KNOW FROM "THE 306 00:19:24,596 --> 00:19:27,099 WHOLE NINE YARDS" AND OF COURSE, "FRIENDS." 307 00:19:27,165 --> 00:19:29,768 NOW, HE'S WRITTEN A MEMOIR CALLED "FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND THE 308 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,204 BIG TERRIBLE THING." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 309 00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:33,906 SHOW," MATTHEW PERRY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 310 00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:48,854 ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 311 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:57,029 ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 312 00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:58,297 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 313 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:07,773 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 314 00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:11,610 >> I MISSED YOU GUYS. I MISSED ALL OF YOU. 315 00:20:11,677 --> 00:20:13,579 IT'S VERY NICE. >> Stephen: IT'S VERY PLEA 316 00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:17,082 PLEASANT. >> BETTER THAN BOOING. 317 00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:20,118 >> Stephen: LET'S SEE. THE INTERVIEW IS YOUNG. 318 00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:22,955 THE BOOK IS "FRIENDS, LOVERS AND THE BIG TERRIBLE THING," OF 319 00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:26,191 COURSE THE BIG TERRIBLE THING BEING YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH 320 00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:27,359 ADDICTION. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 321 00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:31,129 >> Stephen: WE'LL GET INTO THAT MORE IN JUST A MOMENT BUT 322 00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:33,498 THE FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION IS HOW ARE YOU? 323 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:36,335 >> I'M DOING VERY WELL. THANK YOU. 324 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:39,438 >> Stephen: VERY GOOD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 325 00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:43,875 >> THANK YOU. I WOULDN'T SAY THAT I'M A 326 00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:46,845 NARCISSIST, BUT I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT MYSELF ALL DAY AND 327 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:50,048 I'VE NO VOICE LEFT. >> Stephen: THAT'S PERFECTLY 328 00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:51,717 FINE. THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE. 329 00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:52,918 >> OK. >> Stephen: YOU CAN JUST 330 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,153 WHISPER IN MY EAR AND I'LL TELL EVERYBODY WHAT YOU SAID. 331 00:20:55,220 --> 00:21:00,258 >> OK, THAT SOUNDS GREAT. >> Stephen: YOU SPENT HALF OF 332 00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:03,295 YOUR LIFE IN TREATMENT CENTERS OR SOBER LIVING FACILITIES. 333 00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:06,665 YOU DROPPED $9 MILLION IN AN ATTEMPT TO REMAIN SOBER. 334 00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:10,969 WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO SHARE YOUR STORY IN WAYS YOU NEVER HAVE 335 00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:12,537 BEFORE? NOTHING CLOSE TO THIS! 336 00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:15,874 >> MUCH LIKE MARIAH CAREY, IT IS TIME. 337 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:20,278 [LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 338 00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:23,749 THERE YOU GO, BUT LET'S HOPE -- BUT LET'S HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE TO 339 00:21:23,815 --> 00:21:26,084 DO IT EVERY YEAR LIKE SHE DOES. >> THAT'S TRUE. 340 00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:28,620 THAT'S TRUE, AND I DON'T WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT. 341 00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:30,956 >> Stephen: YEAH. >> THE REASON I DID IT, I NEEDED 342 00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:34,192 TO MAKE SURE MY SOBRIETY WAS STRONG AND SAFE AND, YOU KNOW, 343 00:21:34,259 --> 00:21:40,232 IT WAS A -- MY LIFE HAS BEEN -- HAS HAD SO MANY HIGHS AND SO 344 00:21:40,298 --> 00:21:43,535 MANY LOWS THAT I FELT IT WAS TIME AND I FELT THAT IT REALLY 345 00:21:43,602 --> 00:21:49,141 WAS TIME TO HELP PEOPLE. AND MY LIFE HAD GONE TO SUCH LOW 346 00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:52,678 DEGREES WITH ADDICTION THAT THE LOWER THE SCALE I GO, THE MORE 347 00:21:52,744 --> 00:21:56,314 HELPFUL I CAN BE TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAVE GONE SO LOW. 348 00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:59,785 AND I THOUGHT I HAD THAT STORY TO TELL. 349 00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:03,755 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE FEELING OF THAT TENSION BETWEEN 350 00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:09,461 THOSE TWO RENTS? -- REALITIES.YOU HAVE YOUR PRIVE 351 00:22:09,528 --> 00:22:12,931 FACT YOU'RE BEING ABUSIVE TO YOURSELF, USING PRIVATE 352 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:15,834 SUBSTANCES AND PUBLICLY WE KNOW YOU'RE THE FRIENDS, YOU'RE THE 353 00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:19,938 FRIENDLY FRIENDS LIVING THIS WONDERFUL LIFE BUT ESSENTIALLY 354 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:24,876 YOU LIVE IN AN UNREALISTICALLY LARGE APARTMENT IN NEW YORK CITY 355 00:22:24,943 --> 00:22:26,912 AND DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE. >> REMEMBER, THERE'S NO FOURTH 356 00:22:26,978 --> 00:22:28,080 WALL. >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE. 357 00:22:28,146 --> 00:22:30,716 THAT'S WHY THE RENT IS SO LOW. >> THAT'S WHY THE RENT IS 358 00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:34,820 CHEAPER. >> Stephen: SO TELL ME ABOUT 359 00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:36,988 THE TENSION BETWEEN THOSE TWO THINGS? 360 00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:38,423 DID THAT TENSION TODAY SORT OF YOUR DESIRE TO USE? 361 00:22:38,490 --> 00:22:41,193 >> IT WAS OFTEN -- I DIDN'T HAVE TO ADD TO ANYTHING TO THE DESIRE 362 00:22:41,259 --> 00:22:43,528 TO USE. I JUST WANTED TO AND NEEDED TO 363 00:22:43,595 --> 00:22:46,865 AND IT WAS A SECRET FOR SO LONG, AND ACTUALLY COMING ON TALK 364 00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:49,434 SHOWS IS ONE OF THE WORST PARTS OF IT BECAUSE I REALLY HAD TO 365 00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:55,140 HIDE THIS PROBLEM TO THE NATION, YOU KNOW? 366 00:22:55,207 --> 00:23:00,045 >> Stephen: RIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE YOURSELF AND NOT HIDING 367 00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:02,047 BEHIND A CHARACTER. >> I USED TO THINK IT WAS 368 00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:04,950 ESSENTIAL TO BE FUNNY ALL THE TIME, UM, AND HONESTLY I GAVE 369 00:23:05,016 --> 00:23:08,954 THAT UP SORT OF IN MY MID-30'S. I DON'T HAVE TO BE FUNNY. 370 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:11,456 I THINK I'M ACTUALLY ANNOYING PEOPLE. 371 00:23:11,523 --> 00:23:13,925 JUST BE YOURSELF. IT'S OK. 372 00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:17,229 >> Stephen: DID YOU -- DID YOU -- IN YOUR WORK, BECAUSE 373 00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:20,198 RECOVERY INVOLVES A LOT OF SELF-REFLECTION -- 374 00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:21,366 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER COME 375 00:23:21,433 --> 00:23:25,637 TO THE REALIZATION OF WHY YOU WANT THIS SORT OF INTERNAL 376 00:23:25,704 --> 00:23:28,440 ADJUSTMENT OF YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART AND YOUR SPIRIT THROUGH 377 00:23:28,507 --> 00:23:31,143 THE USE OF, YOU KNOW, FOREIGN SUBSTANCES? 378 00:23:31,209 --> 00:23:34,846 >> YOU KNOW, I -- I THOUGHT THE REALITY WAS AN ACQUIRED TASTE, 379 00:23:34,913 --> 00:23:36,548 YOU KNOW? I JUST HAD ACQUIRED -- 380 00:23:36,615 --> 00:23:40,519 >> Stephen: NOT FOR EVERYBODY. >> I ACQUIRED VERY LITTLE OF IT. 381 00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:43,655 SOME PEOPLE THEY HAVE A DRINK AND THEY FEEL A LITTLE WACKY AND 382 00:23:43,722 --> 00:23:47,259 THEN THAT'S THE NIGHT FOR THEM. IF I HAVE A DRINK, ALL OF A 383 00:23:47,325 --> 00:23:51,797 SUDDEN REALITY JUST MOVES TO WHERE IT SHOULD BE AND SO I WANT 384 00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:56,334 TO DRINK ALL THE TIME, BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY TIME I FEEL GOOD 385 00:23:56,401 --> 00:24:01,940 AND NORMAL. BUT THEN IT TURNS ON YOU. 386 00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:03,909 THE DRINK TURNS ON YOU AND SAYS, "WELL, NOW I'M GOING TO KILL 387 00:24:03,975 --> 00:24:06,645 YOU." AND THEN YOU SAY, "WELL, HOLD ON 388 00:24:06,711 --> 00:24:09,414 A MINUTE! UM, I DON'T WANT TO DIE, SO 389 00:24:09,481 --> 00:24:12,951 LET'S GO -- LET'S GO TRY TO NOT DO THAT." 390 00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:14,686 BUT I NEEDED TO BE LOCKED UP TO DO THAT. 391 00:24:14,753 --> 00:24:17,823 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A FRIEND IN COMMON, CHRIS FARLEY, THAT 392 00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:19,624 DID NOT MAKE THE DECISION YOU DID IN TIME. 393 00:24:19,691 --> 00:24:24,329 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: AND WE LOST HIM IN 394 00:24:24,396 --> 00:24:26,464 1998? CHRISTMAS OF '97? 395 00:24:26,531 --> 00:24:27,866 SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 396 00:24:27,933 --> 00:24:30,135 >> Stephen: A LONG, LONG TIME AGO. 397 00:24:30,202 --> 00:24:34,739 WERE YOU ALREADY BATTLING WITH YOUR OWN ADDICTION AND USE AT 398 00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:35,607 THE TIME? >> I WAS. 399 00:24:35,674 --> 00:24:37,375 I WAS. >> Stephen: WHEN CHRIS PASSED, 400 00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:41,980 IT WAS SO SHOCKING TO PEOPLE WHO KNEW NOTHING ABOUT CHRIS' LIFE 401 00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:45,116 AND WHAT HE HAD STRUGGLED WITH. DID THAT SCARE YOU INTO -- INTO 402 00:24:45,183 --> 00:24:48,587 TAKING ACTION AT THE TIME? >> THE FIRST THING I DID WAS 403 00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:51,890 PUNCH A WALL THROUGH JENNIFER ANISTON'S DRESSING ROOM WHEN I 404 00:24:51,957 --> 00:24:54,025 FOUND OUT. I JUST PUT A HOLE IN HER 405 00:24:54,092 --> 00:24:58,463 DRESSING ROOM. UM, AND IT -- YES, OF COURSE IT 406 00:24:58,530 --> 00:25:02,300 SCARED ME. BUT BEING SCARED OF IT DOESN'T 407 00:25:02,367 --> 00:25:05,770 -- ISN'T ENOUGH, YOU KNOW? YOU CAN BE SCARED OF IT BUT, UM, 408 00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:08,807 IT DOESN'T DO ENOUGH, YOU KNOW, FOR YOU. 409 00:25:08,874 --> 00:25:12,510 SO, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU GET SCARED ENOUGH -- AND I'M ONE OF 410 00:25:12,577 --> 00:25:15,547 THESE GUYS THAT YOU GO, WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! 411 00:25:15,614 --> 00:25:16,781 THIS ALL WENT TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. 412 00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:20,819 I NEED HELP AND THAT ULTIMATELY SAVES MY LIFE, BECAUSE I GET 413 00:25:20,886 --> 00:25:22,520 SCARED. >> Stephen: HOW MANY TIMES 414 00:25:22,587 --> 00:25:26,558 HAVE YOU RAISED YOUR HAND AND SAID "I NEED HELP" AT THIS POINT 415 00:25:26,625 --> 00:25:29,361 IN YOUR JOURNEY? >> 14, 15 TIMES. 416 00:25:29,427 --> 00:25:31,596 >> Stephen: IS THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS TIME FOR 417 00:25:31,663 --> 00:25:33,765 YOU? >> WELL, I'VE MANAGED TO BUILD 418 00:25:33,832 --> 00:25:37,736 UP SOME TIME AND REALITY HAS BECOME AN ACQUIRED TASTE. 419 00:25:37,802 --> 00:25:40,138 I'M HAPPY. I'M LIVING THE KIND OF LIFE I 420 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:40,839 WANT TO LIVE. >> Stephen: IS THIS THE FIRST 421 00:25:40,906 --> 00:25:41,973 BOOK YOU'VE WRITTEN? >> YEAH. 422 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,143 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT? HUMAN BEINGS OF ALL STRIPES 423 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:51,883 RECAST THEMSELVES ALL THE TIME. THEY RECAST THEMSELVES AS THE 424 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:54,686 HERO OF THEIR OWN STORY TO SAY, OH, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO DID 425 00:25:54,753 --> 00:25:56,421 THAT. I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT BAD 426 00:25:56,488 --> 00:25:58,957 THING. HOW RELIABLE OF A NARRATOR ARE 427 00:25:59,024 --> 00:26:01,293 YOU OF YOUR OWN LIFE DO YOU IMAGINE? 428 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:06,197 >> I THINK I'M QUITE RELIABLE AFTER ALL OF THIS TIME. 429 00:26:06,264 --> 00:26:09,000 I BLAME MYSELF. I DON'T GO AFTER ANYBODY IN THIS 430 00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:11,369 BOOK. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT AND 431 00:26:11,436 --> 00:26:13,571 I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY RIGHT. YOU KNOW? 432 00:26:13,638 --> 00:26:17,709 I THINK -- I THINK -- I HAD PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT WERE 433 00:26:17,776 --> 00:26:20,278 TELLING ME TO STOP. I HAD PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT, YOU 434 00:26:20,345 --> 00:26:22,447 KNOW, SAY YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF IF YOU KEEP GOING LIKE 435 00:26:22,514 --> 00:26:26,251 THIS, AND I JUST DIDN'T KNOW -- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW. 436 00:26:26,318 --> 00:26:29,955 LIKE, IF THE POLICE HAD COME TO MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU'RE GOING 437 00:26:30,021 --> 00:26:33,591 TO -- WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU TO JAIL IF YOU DRINK TONIGHT," I 438 00:26:33,658 --> 00:26:37,262 WOULD HAVE HAD TO PACK FOR JAIL BECAUSE I WAS GOING. 439 00:26:37,329 --> 00:26:39,631 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT STICK AROUND 440 00:26:39,698 --> 00:26:42,400 BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF MR. MATTHEW PERRY, 441 00:26:42,467 --> 00:26:43,001 EVERYBODY! [APPLAUSE] 442 00:26:51,409 --> 00:26:52,644 ♪ >> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY. 443 00:26:52,711 --> 00:26:55,146 WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND THE BIG 444 00:26:55,213 --> 00:27:04,956 TERRIBLE THING," MATTHEW PERRY. IN 2019, YOU HAD A HARROWING 445 00:27:05,023 --> 00:27:06,992 HEALTH SCARE. IT WAS A MOMENT OF A CAREER 446 00:27:07,058 --> 00:27:09,694 HIGH. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PLAY 447 00:27:09,761 --> 00:27:12,397 OPPOSITE OF MERYL STREEP IN ADAM MCKAY'S "DON'T LOOK UP." 448 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:14,032 THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED INSTEAD? 449 00:27:14,099 --> 00:27:18,603 >> I GOT CPR AND THE GUY WHO SAVED MY LIFE BROKE EIGHT RIBS 450 00:27:18,670 --> 00:27:21,973 IN THE PROCESS. >> Stephen: MAY I ASK WHY YOU 451 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:26,578 WERE GETTING CPR? >> THEY WERE DOING A PROCEDURE 452 00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:27,846 BECAUSE I HAD PAIN IN MY STOMACH. 453 00:27:27,912 --> 00:27:34,352 THEY WERE DOING A PROCEDURE AND THEY GAVE ME PROPOTHOL AND MY 454 00:27:34,419 --> 00:27:39,124 HEART STOPPED FOR FIVE MINUTES. >> Stephen: SO YOU WERE 455 00:27:39,190 --> 00:27:43,094 LEGALLY DEAD FOR FIVE MINUTES? >> WELL, NO, I DIDN'T FLAT LINE 456 00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:44,929 BUT MY HEART DID STOP FOR FIVE MINUTES. 457 00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:48,967 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT AND FLAT 458 00:27:49,034 --> 00:27:50,168 LINE? >> I DON'T KNOW. 459 00:27:50,235 --> 00:27:52,537 >> Stephen: THEY DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE THERE'S NO 460 00:27:52,604 --> 00:27:54,606 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE TWO. DID YOU HAVE AN EXPERIENCE OR 461 00:27:54,672 --> 00:27:56,775 ANYTHING LIKE THAT OR JUST GONE? >> NO, I WOKE UP IN A DIFFERENT 462 00:27:56,841 --> 00:28:02,647 HOSPITAL 10 HOURS LATER AND -- >> Stephen: AND MERYL STREEP 463 00:28:02,714 --> 00:28:04,315 WASN'T THERE. >> MERYL STREEP WASN'T THERE. 464 00:28:04,382 --> 00:28:08,987 I HAD TO GIVE UP THE BIGGEST MOVIE I'D EVER GOTTEN. 465 00:28:09,054 --> 00:28:13,992 I HAD FOUR SCENES WITH MERYL STREEP. 466 00:28:14,059 --> 00:28:18,596 APPARENTLY ON THE SET SHE WAS LIKE "MATTHEW? 467 00:28:18,663 --> 00:28:21,800 MATTHEW, WHERE ARE YOU?" IT'S A COMPLETELY MADE-UP STORY. 468 00:28:21,866 --> 00:28:28,006 >> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WORK WITH MERYL. 469 00:28:28,073 --> 00:28:30,108 >> MERYL IS MERYL. SHE'S OK. 470 00:28:30,175 --> 00:28:34,012 >> Stephen: ONE HIGHLIGHT OF THE 2020 COVID CRISIS WE'RE ALL 471 00:28:34,079 --> 00:28:37,982 AT HOME IS THE "FRIENDS" REUNION. 472 00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:40,718 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT 473 00:28:40,785 --> 00:28:43,455 EXPERIENCE LIKE FOR YOU? >> I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT 474 00:28:43,521 --> 00:28:50,795 BECAUSE I HAD HAD TWO DAYS PRIOR A DENTAL EMERGENCY WHERE I HAD 475 00:28:50,862 --> 00:28:54,732 THREE BONE SPURS IN MY MOUTH AND THEY HAD TO BE REMOVED RIGHT 476 00:28:54,799 --> 00:28:59,370 AWAY, AND IN THIS ONE CASE, I THANK THE PAPARAZZI BECAUSE THEY 477 00:28:59,437 --> 00:29:02,674 WERE -- THEY CAUGHT PICTURES OF ME GOING INTO THE DENTIST TWO 478 00:29:02,740 --> 00:29:06,845 DAYS BEFORE THE REUNION. AND I KNEW THAT THERE WAS 479 00:29:06,911 --> 00:29:11,349 SOMETHING OFF WITH ME BECAUSE MY MOUTH WAS ON FIRE, BUT I ALSO 480 00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:14,486 KNEW I HAD TO SHOW UP AT THIS REUNION. 481 00:29:14,552 --> 00:29:17,789 SO MANY PEOPLE WERE INVOLVED. I COULDN'T MOVE IT OR CHANGE IT. 482 00:29:17,856 --> 00:29:21,559 I BASICALLY WENT AND DID THE BEST THAT I COULD BUT I WAS ON 483 00:29:21,626 --> 00:29:24,262 SIX CYLINDER, NOT EIGHT, YOU KNOW? 484 00:29:24,329 --> 00:29:27,265 >> Stephen: YOU GREW UP IN CANADA IN OTTAWA, WENT TO SCHOOL 485 00:29:27,332 --> 00:29:31,836 WITH A YOUNG MAN NAMED JUSTIN TRUDEAU. 486 00:29:31,903 --> 00:29:33,805 >> YES. >> Stephen: NOW WHO GETS 487 00:29:33,872 --> 00:29:37,909 RECOGNIZED MORE IN CANADA? [LAUGHTER] 488 00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:40,345 YOU OR TRUDEAU? >> I WOULD SAY TRUDEAU BUT THERE 489 00:29:40,411 --> 00:29:42,413 WAS A BIG RUMOR ABOUT US. >> Stephen: WHAT? 490 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,084 >> I BEAT HIM UP IN GRADE SCH SCHOOL. 491 00:29:46,151 --> 00:29:48,753 >> Stephen: DID YOU? >> I DON'T THINK SO, NO. 492 00:29:48,820 --> 00:29:51,789 >> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE? 493 00:29:51,856 --> 00:29:54,926 >> MY FRIENDS BRYAN MURRAY AND CHRIS MURRAY WHO WERE THE GUYS 494 00:29:54,993 --> 00:29:58,930 -- AND MYSELF -- WHO INVENTED THAT WEIRD WAY OF TALKING, COULD 495 00:29:58,997 --> 00:30:01,466 IT BE OLDER IN HERE? COULD IT BE COLDER IN HERE BY 496 00:30:01,533 --> 00:30:03,268 THE WAY? IT'S REALLY COLD. 497 00:30:03,334 --> 00:30:07,505 >> Stephen: NO, IT COULD NOT. >> OK. 498 00:30:07,572 --> 00:30:12,043 THEY TOLD ME WE BEAT UP JUSTIN TRUDEAU. 499 00:30:12,110 --> 00:30:13,411 I BELIEVED THEM. SOMEHOW HE GOT THE STORY. 500 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:15,914 HE TWEETED ME. AND HE WANTED TO HAVE A FIGHT. 501 00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:19,450 [LAUGHTER] AND I SAID -- I SAID, "YOU HAVE 502 00:30:19,517 --> 00:30:24,422 YOUR OWN ARMY. NO THANKS!" 503 00:30:24,489 --> 00:30:29,427 AND TE IT ENDED THERE, THANK GOODNESS. 504 00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:32,964 >> Stephen: HOW COULD YOUR WIFE GET WEIRDER? 505 00:30:33,031 --> 00:30:38,336 >> HE SAID WE ALL WANTED TO PUNCH CHANDLER AT ONE TIME OR 506 00:30:38,403 --> 00:30:39,470 ANOTHER. >> Stephen: IT'S ALL IN THE 507 00:30:39,537 --> 00:30:40,872 BOOK. THE BOOK IS 508 00:30:40,939 --> 00:30:42,073 "FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND THE BIG TERRIBLE THING" IS AVAILABLE 509 00:30:42,140 --> 00:30:44,375 NOW. MATTHEW PERRY, EVERYBODY. 510 00:30:44,442 --> 00:30:49,113 WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO JAMES 511 00:30:49,180 --> 00:30:50,148 TAYLOR. ♪ 512 00:30:50,215 --> 00:30:50,715 THANK YOU, MATTHEW! 513 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,462 >> Stephen: I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU. 514 00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:06,864 HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE HERE WITH MR. JAMES TAYLOR. 515 00:31:06,931 --> 00:31:09,067 YOU KNOW JAMES. JAMES, YOU AND I -- 516 00:31:09,133 --> 00:31:11,736 >> I LIVE IN HERE. >> Stephen: WHAT? 517 00:31:11,803 --> 00:31:13,538 >> I LIVE IN HERE. >> Stephen: RIGHT. 518 00:31:13,605 --> 00:31:15,573 THIS IS THE VESSEL THAT CARRIES YOU. 519 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:21,012 THIS BODY OFFERS TO CARRY YOU FOR NOTHING, BUDDY. 520 00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:24,616 IT'S A HELL OF A BICYCLE. NOW, JAMES, YOU AND I HAVE -- 521 00:31:24,682 --> 00:31:27,685 I'VE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO INTERVIEW YOU MANY TIMES. 522 00:31:27,752 --> 00:31:30,555 WE'VE SUNG TOGETHER. UM, WE'VE DONE STUFF TOGETHER. 523 00:31:30,622 --> 00:31:32,590 WE'VE HAD DINNER TOGETHER AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 524 00:31:32,657 --> 00:31:35,827 IT'S -- IT'S REALLY BEEN SUCH A PLEASURE TO GET TO KNOW YOU EVEN 525 00:31:35,893 --> 00:31:38,830 IN THE SMALL WAY I HAVE OVER THE YEARS BUT THE PROBLEM WITH, YOU 526 00:31:38,896 --> 00:31:42,767 KNOW, GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE IS IT'S HARD TO DO IT IN THESE SORT 527 00:31:42,834 --> 00:31:46,571 OF 12-MINUTE TO 15-MINUTE CHUNKS YOU DO ON THE LATE NIGHT SHOW. 528 00:31:46,638 --> 00:31:52,844 WHAT WE'VE DONE HERE ON THE LATE SHOW LAB IS COME UP WITH 15 529 00:31:52,910 --> 00:31:57,215 SCIENTIFICALLY CALIBRATED QUESTIONS CALLED "THE COLBERT 530 00:31:57,282 --> 00:31:59,784 QUESTIONERT" THAT PENETRATES TO THE SOUL OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING 531 00:31:59,851 --> 00:32:05,223 AND REVEALS THEM BEFORE THE EYES OF THE WORLD FOR WHO THEY TRULY 532 00:32:05,290 --> 00:32:10,161 ARE. ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO TAKE THE 533 00:32:10,228 --> 00:32:11,663 COLBERT QUESTIONERT, JAMES TAYLOR? 534 00:32:11,729 --> 00:32:12,563 >> NO? [LAUGHTER] 535 00:32:12,630 --> 00:32:14,932 YES! YES! 536 00:32:14,999 --> 00:32:19,637 >> Stephen: GOOD MAN! ♪ 537 00:32:19,704 --> 00:32:25,643 JAMES TAYLOR, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 538 00:32:25,710 --> 00:32:29,113 >> CUBAN SANDWICH, MIDNIGHT SANDWICH IT'S CALLED. 539 00:32:29,180 --> 00:32:36,454 >> Stephen: MIDNIGHT SANDWICH? >> IT'S CALLED MEDIA NOCHE, 540 00:32:36,521 --> 00:32:37,522 YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT'S ONE THING 541 00:32:37,588 --> 00:32:39,757 YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT? 542 00:32:39,824 --> 00:32:44,095 >> HM, I SHOULD THROW OUT, UM, MY CAR. 543 00:32:44,162 --> 00:32:45,930 [LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S NOT 544 00:32:45,997 --> 00:32:51,069 GOOD OR YOU DON'T LIKE IT? >> IT'S HAD IT. 545 00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:54,339 IT'S HAD IT. >> Stephen: WE'RE NOT 546 00:32:54,405 --> 00:32:55,573 ENDORSING BUT WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING? 547 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,743 >> I DRIVE A FIAT 500 AND A HONDA ELEMENT FROM 2003, BUT THE 548 00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:03,247 CAR I SHOULD THROW OUT IS A MORRIS MINOR. 549 00:33:03,314 --> 00:33:04,749 >> Stephen: WHAT'S A MORRIS MINOR? 550 00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:18,996 >> THE VOLKSWAGEN AND THE FIAT 500 AND THE DECHEVOEAUX FROM 551 00:33:19,063 --> 00:33:22,033 FRANCE WERE THE PEOPLE'S CAR MADE TO PUT THE POPULATION ON 552 00:33:22,100 --> 00:33:24,502 WHEELS. IN THIS COUNTRY THE NASH RAMBLER 553 00:33:24,569 --> 00:33:26,170 I THINK -- >> Stephen: SURE! 554 00:33:26,237 --> 00:33:29,140 WITH THE JUMP SEAT IN THE BACK. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 555 00:33:29,207 --> 00:33:31,542 BUT THE MORRIS MINOR WAS THE BRITISH EQUIVALENT OF THE 556 00:33:31,609 --> 00:33:38,416 VOLKSWAGEN. IT WAS JUST -- THEY MADE IT FROM 557 00:33:38,483 --> 00:33:43,388 SOMETIME IN THE -- IT MAY HAVE ACTUALLY PRECEDED THE WAR BUT IT 558 00:33:43,454 --> 00:33:47,024 CERTAINLY WAS MADE FROM AFTER WORLD WAR II UNTIL ABOUT 1968, 559 00:33:47,091 --> 00:33:48,793 MAYBE LATER. >> Stephen: WHY DO YOU HAVE 560 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,661 ONE? >> I -- I -- THAT'S THE -- 561 00:33:50,728 --> 00:33:52,397 THAT'S SUCH A GOOD QUESTION AND I -- 562 00:33:52,463 --> 00:33:54,766 [LAUGHTER] -- AND THAT'S WHY -- THAT'S -- I 563 00:33:54,832 --> 00:33:57,435 KEEP ASKING MYSELF THAT AND I SHOULD SELL IT. 564 00:33:57,502 --> 00:33:59,937 >> Stephen: OK. >> SO JUST CALL THE NUMBER ON 565 00:34:00,004 --> 00:34:01,506 YOUR SCREEN AND -- [LAUGHTER] 566 00:34:01,572 --> 00:34:04,308 [APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: DOES IT RUN? 567 00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:06,711 IT RUNS? >> WELL, IT DID THE LAST TIME I 568 00:34:06,778 --> 00:34:09,514 DROVE IT DOWNHILL. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE 569 00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:15,186 SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> UM, UM, -- BUBONIC PLAGUE. 570 00:34:15,253 --> 00:34:17,221 >> Stephen: I GUESS THAT'S A LIVING THING, YEAH. 571 00:34:17,288 --> 00:34:19,690 FOR SURE. >> IT'S A GERM BUT. 572 00:34:19,757 --> 00:34:20,892 >> Stephen: IT'S A TINY ANIMAL. 573 00:34:20,958 --> 00:34:26,330 >> IT'S A TINY ANIMAL. >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES. 574 00:34:26,397 --> 00:34:29,233 >> APPLES, HONEY CRISP. [APPLAUSE] 575 00:34:29,300 --> 00:34:31,235 YOU KNOW THAT? DO YOU KNOW THAT ONE? 576 00:34:31,302 --> 00:34:32,770 >> Stephen: I KNOW THE HONEY CRISP. 577 00:34:32,837 --> 00:34:40,178 I'M A FUGI MAN BUT -- YOU KNOW. -- FUJI MAN BUT -- YOU. 578 00:34:40,244 --> 00:34:45,450 >> THE HONEY CRISP IS RELATED TO THE FUJI. 579 00:34:45,516 --> 00:34:52,056 HONEY CRISP HAS FUJI IN IT'S RNA OR WHATEVER IT HAS. 580 00:34:52,123 --> 00:34:55,593 WHEN THEY MAKE A NEW APPLE -- WHENEVER YOU PUT -- 581 00:34:55,660 --> 00:34:59,831 >> Stephen: WHEN ONE APPLE LOVES ANOTHER APPLE VERY MUCH -- 582 00:34:59,897 --> 00:35:03,534 >> VERY MUCH. >> Stephen: THEY SHARE A VERY 583 00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:04,769 SPECIAL BEE. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 584 00:35:04,836 --> 00:35:07,038 NO, YOU NEVER KNOW -- IF YOU PLANT AN APPLE FROM SEED, IF YOU 585 00:35:07,104 --> 00:35:09,740 LET AN APPLE GO TO SEED, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO 586 00:35:09,807 --> 00:35:13,644 GET, BUT WHEN YOU GET ONE THAT'S REALLY MAKING A GOOD APPLE, THEN 587 00:35:13,711 --> 00:35:20,318 YOU -- THEN YOU BASICALLY MAKE CUTTINGS OFF OF THAT ONE AND 588 00:35:20,384 --> 00:35:21,519 GRAFT AWAY. >> Stephen: GRAFT AWAY. 589 00:35:21,586 --> 00:35:23,688 DO YOU HAVE AN ORCHARD OR ANYTHING? 590 00:35:23,754 --> 00:35:27,992 YOU SOUND LIKE A GUY THAT'S GOT AN ORCHARD. 591 00:35:28,059 --> 00:35:29,460 >> I HAVE A COUPLE OF APPLE TREES. 592 00:35:29,527 --> 00:35:32,563 >> Stephen: ARE THEY HONEY CRISPS? 593 00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:33,397 >> THEY ARE. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER 594 00:35:33,464 --> 00:35:36,601 ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH? 595 00:35:36,667 --> 00:35:38,302 >> YEAH. YEAH I HAVE. 596 00:35:38,369 --> 00:35:44,509 I ASKED, UM, PETER YARROW FROM PETER, PAUL AND MARY FOR HIS 597 00:35:44,575 --> 00:35:46,010 AUTOGRAPH ONCE. >> Stephen: WOW! 598 00:35:46,077 --> 00:35:48,880 HOW -- LIKE WHEN? >> LIKE I MIGHT HAVE BEEN 14. 599 00:35:48,946 --> 00:35:50,715 >> >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S 600 00:35:50,781 --> 00:35:51,716 AWESOME. DID YOU GET IT? 601 00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:54,018 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: WOW. 602 00:35:54,085 --> 00:35:59,290 WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, JAMES? 603 00:35:59,357 --> 00:36:07,298 >> I THINK WE SHOULD ROT. >> Stephen: NO EMBALMING OR 604 00:36:07,365 --> 00:36:08,633 CASKET? PLANT AN APPLE TREE OVER US? 605 00:36:08,699 --> 00:36:10,701 >> THAT'S WHAT I THINK. >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO HOLD 606 00:36:10,768 --> 00:36:13,638 YOU TO THAT. I'M SORRY, DID YOU WANT TO SAY 607 00:36:13,704 --> 00:36:15,172 SOMETHING MORE ABOUT DEATH? >> NO. 608 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:16,941 >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. 609 00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:20,878 IT'S A COMEDY SHOW IF YOU WANTED TO GO ON. 610 00:36:20,945 --> 00:36:24,282 >> IT'S A BIG TOPIC. >> Stephen: IT'S THE BIGGIE, 611 00:36:24,348 --> 00:36:25,149 YEAH. YEAH. 612 00:36:25,216 --> 00:36:27,451 YEAH. FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE? 613 00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:33,791 >> THE BOURNE MOVIES. THE MATTHEW DAMON. 614 00:36:33,858 --> 00:36:36,661 >> Stephen: THE CLOSE KNIFE FIGHTING. 615 00:36:36,727 --> 00:36:37,662 ROLLED UP NEWSPAPERS AND EVERYTHING. 616 00:36:37,728 --> 00:36:40,097 IT'S FANTASTIC. >> HE PUTS THE MAGAZINE IN THE 617 00:36:40,164 --> 00:36:42,667 TOASTER. >> Stephen: AND LET'S THE GAS 618 00:36:42,733 --> 00:36:46,404 GO! >> IT'S SO GREAT! 619 00:36:46,470 --> 00:36:48,406 >> >> Stephen: I'LL WATCH THAT 620 00:36:48,472 --> 00:36:50,641 MOVIE JUST TO GET TO THAT SCENE BEFORE I GO TO BED AND TURN OFF 621 00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:52,143 TBS. >> THAT MATT DAMON. 622 00:36:52,209 --> 00:36:55,379 >> Stephen: THAT MATT DAMON. TOUGH GUY. 623 00:36:55,446 --> 00:36:59,350 SEXY GUY, HAH? THAT MATT DAMON. 624 00:36:59,417 --> 00:37:03,120 WINDOW OR AISLE? >> AISLE. 625 00:37:03,187 --> 00:37:05,456 AISLE. >> Stephen: WHY? 626 00:37:05,523 --> 00:37:06,958 BECAUSE I HAVE MY REASON. I'M JUST CURIOUS. 627 00:37:07,024 --> 00:37:09,760 >> I DON'T HAVE TO CLIMB OVER SOMEBODY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 628 00:37:09,827 --> 00:37:14,599 I DON'T MIND GOING UP AND LETTING SOMEONE GO BY. 629 00:37:14,665 --> 00:37:16,367 >> Stephen: BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE THE HERO. 630 00:37:16,434 --> 00:37:18,669 >> YEAH. RIGHT. 631 00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:23,040 I WOULD RATHER BE SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENCED THAN FEEL AS 632 00:37:23,107 --> 00:37:24,709 THOUGH I WAS INCONVENIENCING SOMEONE ELSE. 633 00:37:24,775 --> 00:37:28,379 [APPLAUSE] IT'S NOT NICE. 634 00:37:28,446 --> 00:37:32,383 >> Stephen: I GOTTA SAY THAT'S A REALLY LOW BAR FOR A WWW! 635 00:37:32,450 --> 00:37:36,420 HE DIDN'T SAVE A PUPPY. >> AND -- AND THERE'S NOTHING 636 00:37:36,487 --> 00:37:41,325 THAT ANYONE EVER DOES THAT'S NOT SELFISH. 637 00:37:41,392 --> 00:37:50,635 >> Stephen: A WWW W! HA-HA HA-HA. 638 00:37:50,701 --> 00:37:55,740 CATS OR DOGS? >> WELL, I -- I'M SORT OF SPLIT 639 00:37:55,806 --> 00:38:03,581 CATS AND DOGS BUT RIGHT NOW I HAVE PUPPIES, TWO NEW PUGS, AND 640 00:38:03,648 --> 00:38:07,718 SO RIGHT NOW DOGS. BUT I -- 641 00:38:07,785 --> 00:38:10,821 >> Stephen: BUT DOGS SMALL ENOUGH A CAT COULD TAKE 'EM IN A 642 00:38:10,888 --> 00:38:12,423 FIGHT? >> YEAH. 643 00:38:12,490 --> 00:38:14,725 >> Stephen: GOT TO KEEP IT EVEN. 644 00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:19,930 YOU HAVE CATS AS WELL? >> I'M BETWEEN CATS RIGHT NOW. 645 00:38:19,997 --> 00:38:22,533 >> Stephen: IS IT SOMETHING YOU SAID? 646 00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,068 IS IT? >> NO. 647 00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:26,604 >> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST 648 00:38:26,671 --> 00:38:35,112 OF YOUR LIFE. WHAT IS IT? 649 00:38:35,179 --> 00:38:37,715 >> I MEAN, IS IT MANDATORY I LISTEN TO IT? 650 00:38:37,782 --> 00:38:41,185 CAN I NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING? CAN I TURN IT WAY DOWN? 651 00:38:41,252 --> 00:38:44,822 >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THIS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- IT'S NOT 652 00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:47,658 LIKE IT'S PLAYING IN A VISION OF HELL WHERE IT NEVER TURNS OFF. 653 00:38:47,725 --> 00:38:50,795 IT'S JUT THAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG 654 00:38:50,861 --> 00:38:54,098 TO GO TO AND, OH, I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO SOMETHING AND THIS IS 655 00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:56,534 THE SONG THAT COMES ON. MUSICIANS REALLY DON'T LIKE THIS 656 00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:59,437 QUESTION. >> YEAH. 657 00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:14,385 LET'S SEE, I GUESS I'D SAY, UM PROBABLY ANTONIO CARLOS UVENE 658 00:39:14,452 --> 00:39:18,289 WITH THE STAN GETZ VERSION OF IT. 659 00:39:18,355 --> 00:39:27,131 >> Stephen: IS THAT THE -- IS THAT -- 660 00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:29,934 >> SAME RECORD, TOO. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I 661 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:31,469 THINKING OF? >> FIVE. 662 00:39:31,535 --> 00:39:33,771 FIVE. >> Stephen: NO. 663 00:39:33,838 --> 00:39:35,306 [LAUGHTER] BUT SPEAKING OF WHICH, DESCRIBE 664 00:39:35,372 --> 00:39:40,811 THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 665 00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:46,751 >> PLAY THE HAND I'M DEALT. [APPLAUSE] 666 00:39:46,817 --> 00:39:48,753 >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, JAMES. 667 00:39:48,819 --> 00:39:54,492 YOU'RE KNOWN! AMERICAN STANDARD IS AVAILABLE 668 00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:55,392 NOW. JAMES TAYLOR, EVERYBODY. 669 00:39:55,459 --> 00:39:56,260 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 670 00:40:15,846 --> 00:40:16,981 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 671 00:40:17,047 --> 00:40:20,484 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SENATOR ELIZABETH 672 00:40:20,551 --> 00:40:23,687 WARREN, AND WE'LL TALK NUCLEAR WEAPONS WITH FORMER SECRETARY OF 673 00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:27,992 ENERGY, ERNEST MONICE. STICK AROUND FOR JAMES CORDEN. 674 00:40:28,058 --> 00:40:29,126 GOOD NIGHT.