>> NEW FALLOUT FROM THE PAUL PELOSI ATTACK.
>> REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR ARIZONA GOVERNOR, KARI LAKE,
MAKING LIGHT OF THE INCIDENT.
>> NANCY PELOSI, WELL, SHE'S GOT PROTECTION WHEN SHE'S IN D.C.--
APPARENTLY, HER HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF PROTECTION.
>> NOW KARI LAKE IS SAYING THAT WHAT YOU JUST HEARD WAS THE
RESULT OF WHAT SHE JUST CALLED "CREATIVE EDITING."
>> GO BACK AND LOOK AT THE VIDEO.
A LOT OF CREATIVE EDITING WAS DONE.
>> I'M FRAUGHT WITH PROBLEMS.
I'M INCOMPETENT.
JOE BIDEN IS SO ATTRACTIVE.
I'M SO GUILTY OF CRIMES.
I'M GOING TO BE THE WORST NIGHTMARE FOR THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE.
WHOA!
THEY KNOW, BECAUSE THEY'VE HEARD ME, THAT I WANT TO KILL EVERY
MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN THIS COUNTRY.
HOW DO YOU DEFEND THAT?
I'M ALL FOR THE MOST RACIST THINGS THAT ARE OFFENSIVE.
AND I HOPE THAT THE CARTELS ARREST YOUR BABY.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: BONO
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
OH, I LIKE THE LITTLE-- I LIKE THE LITTLE PIPING.
HELLO.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY THURSDAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS ARE ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY.
THAT MEANS THERE'S ONLY FOUR DAYS LEFT TO EARLY VOTE, ONE DAY
LEFT TO REGULAR VOTE, AND THEN TWO WHOLE YEARS TO JUST KICK
BACK AND FREAK OUT ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT BIDEN
ADDRESSED AMERICANS, NOT FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, BUT SOMEPLACE
EVEN MORE SACRED TO HIM: A TRAIN STATION.
AT WASHINGTON A UNION STATION HE LAID OUT THE STAKES OF THIS
ELECTION: >> MAKE NO MISTAKE, DEMOCRACY IS
ON THE BALLOT FOR ALL OF US.
IN OUR BONES, WE KNOW DEMOCRACY AT RISK-- IS AT RISK.
>> Stephen: BIDEN'S CLEARLY AT THE AGE WHERE HE RECEIVES
ALL HIS INFORMATION VIA BONES.
( LAUGHTER ) "THERE GOES THE ELBOW.
THERE GOES THE ELBOW-- IT'S GOING TO RAIN.
KNEE'S ACTING UP AGAIN.
LOW VOTER TURN OUT IN BROWARD COUNTY."
( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN--
BIDEN DID BRIEFLY MAKE ONE MISTAKE ABOUT NEXT TUESDAY,
NOVEMBER 8'S ELECTION.
>> MILLIONS MORE WILL CAST THEIR BALLOTS IN THE FINAL DAYS
LEADING UP TO NOVEMBER THE 9TH, 8TH, EXCUSE ME.
>> Stephen: "YEAH, MAKE SURE YA VOTE ON NOVEMBER 9TH, I MEAN
8TH.
HEAD ON DOWN TO YOUR LOCAL PETTING ZOO.
I MEAN POLLING PLACE.
YOU'LL GET A FREE STALKER.
I MEAN STICKER!
ANYWAY, HAPPY EASTER!
I MEAN TOYOTATHON!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BIDEN ALSO-- REALLY?
TOYOTATHON?
CAN'T BE THE IMPRESSION.
IT CAN'T BE THE IMPRESSION.
BIDEN ALSO HAD STRONG WORDS FOR THE CROP OF ELECTION DENIERS
RUNNING FOR OFFICE: >> AS I STAND HERE TODAY, THERE
ARE CANDIDATES RUNNING FOR EVERY LEVEL OF OFFICE IN AMERICA.
FOR GOVERNOR, CONGRESS, ATTORNEY GENERAL, SECRETARY OF STATE, WHO
WON'T COMMIT, WHO WILL NOT COMMIT TO ACCEPTING THE RESULTS
OF THE ELECTION THEY ARE RUNNING IN.
THIS IS THE PATH TO CHAOS IN AMERICA.
>> Stephen: "PATH TO CHAOS" IS LIKE A SLIGHTLY LESS URGENT
VERSION OF "HIGHWAY TO HELL."
IT GOES HIGHWAY TO HELL, PATH TO CHAOS, TRAIL TO CONFUSION, DIRT
ROAD TO GARBAGE FIRE, AND CUL DE SAC TO WHAT THE (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BIDEN-- IT'S SHORT.
IT'S A CUL-DE-SAC.
IT'S SHORT.
YOU GO RIGHT IN AND YOU GO...
BIDEN IS ALSO FIGHTING FOR OUR DEMOCRACY CLOSER TO HOME.
YESTERDAY, HE POSTED THIS VIDEO OF TAKING HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER, NATALIE, TO GO VOTE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND THEN
GET A CELEBRATORY TREAT.
>> HEY, I'M NATALIE BIDEN, AND I JUST TURNED 18, AND I'M GOING TO
VOTE FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH MY POP.
>> AND I'M SO EXCITED FOR HER.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME, THE FIRST VOTE.
>> AND WE GOT OUR TRIPLE THICK BLACK AND WHITE MILKSHAKES TO
CELEBRATE.
>> CHEERS TO VOTING!
>> CHEERS, POP.
>> Stephen: CLASSIC BIDEN.
EVERY MOMENT ENDS WITH ICE CREAM.
ANYTHING GOOD, GO TO THE ICE CREAM.
GRANDDAUGHTER VOTES, MILK SHAKE.
PASSED THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL?
KLONDIKE BAR.
UNIFYING NATO IN OPPOSITION TO PUTIN'S INVASION OF UKRAINE TO
CUT RUSSIA OFF FROM THE INTERNATIONAL BANKING SYSTEM?
PEANUT BUSTER PARFAIT.
THERE'S A FLOE CHART.
THERE'S A FLOWCHART.
AND WHEN I SAW PRESIDENT POP REACHING OUT TO THE YOUNGLING
VOTE WITH HIS GRANDDAUGHTER AND THEN A MILK SHAKE, I VOWED THAT
I WILL NOT BE OUT DEMOCRACY'D BY SOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES, IF THAT IS HIS REAL NAME.
SO TONIGHT, I HAVE AN OFFER OF MY OWN TO MAKE THE YOUTHS: GO
VOTE, THEN POST A TIKTOK OF YOURSELF WITH YOUR "I VOTED"
STICKER AND A COOL TASTY TREAT, I RECOMMEND STEPHEN COLBERT'S
AMERICONE DREAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL MY PROCEEDS GO TO CHARITY.
OKAY.
THEN TAG US AT
@COLBERT-LATE-SHOW, AND I WILL FOLLOW YOU, ASSUMING I LEARN HOW
TO DO THAT.
SEE YOU ON THE TOKS!
BIDEN'S NOT WRONG ABOUT DEMOCRACY BEING UNDER THREAT.
FOR INSTANCE, IN AT LEAST 19 STATES, CANVASSERS SUPPORTING
THE DEFEATED FORMER PRESIDENT ARE GOING DOOR TO DOOR TO
INTIMIDATE VOTERS WHILE HUNTING FOR FRAUD.
THAT IS WRONG.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND INTIMIDATE ME, AT
LEAST LET ME BUY A FEW BOXES OF THIN MINTS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN ONE COUNTY IN CALIFORNIA,
CANVASSERS WORE REFLECTIVE ORANGE VESTS AND
OFFICIAL-LOOKING BADGES THAT READ "VOTER TASK FORCE."
FIRST HERSCHEL WALKER, NOW THIS.
THE G.O.P. REALLY HAS CORNERED THE FAKE BADGE MARKET.
AND I SHOULD KNOW, BECAUSE, AND I HAVE NEVER REVEALED THIS
BEFORE, I, STEPHEN COLBERT, AM OFFICIALLY PART OF THE FAKE
BADGE SPOTTER TASK FORCE.
SEE THAT?
THAT RIGHT THERE, THAT RIGHT THERE--
( APPLAUSE ) THAT IS A REAL FAKE BADGE.
SO WHAT ARE THESE COSPLAY CROSSING GUARDS UP TO?
AT ONE HOUSE, THEY LISTED NAMES OF REGISTERED VOTERS AND
DEMANDED TO KNOW IF THEY STILL LIVED AT THE ADDRESS, AND AT
ANOTHER, THEY INTERROGATED A COUPLE ABOUT THE WHEREABOUTS OF
THEIR ADULT DAUGHTER.
HOT TIP: THE GOOD GUYS USUALLY AREN'T THE ONES BANGING ON YOUR
DOOR SCREAMING "BRING OUT YOUR DAUGHTER!"
( LAUGHTER ) THEY ALSO GRILLED RESIDENTS ON
THEIR VOTING HISTORY.
NOT ONLY IS THIS AWFUL, IT'S ALSO DEFINITELY GONNA BITE THEM
IN THE BUTT.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHO ANSWERS THE DOOR FOR CANVASSERS?
PEOPLE WHO HUNGER FOR HUMAN CONTACT.
( AS OLD LADY ) "MY VOTING HISTORY?
WELL, LAST YEAR, I DIDN'T VOTE, WHAT WITH ALL THE DENTAL
SURGERY AND, OF COURSE, JACK MOVING IN. T
HAT'S MY SON JACK.
HE DID AN UNDERGRAD IN BOTANY.
I SAID HE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO ACCOUNTING.
BUT HE JUST DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME.
OH, HIS GIRLFRIEND VISITS SOME TIMES.
A NICE GIRL, SHE'S A SPANIARD I THINK.
HOLD ON.
HONEY, IS JACK'S GIRLFRIEND FROM SPAIN?
KOREA.
SHE'S KOREAN."
SINGS LIKE BIRD.
THERE'S AN UPDATE FROM GEORGIA G.O.P. SENATE CANDIDATE HERSCHEL
WALKER, SEEN HERE COUNTING TO ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
STAY LOOSE, BABY.
STAY LOOSE.
EVERYBODY KEEP BREATHING.
OVER THE WEEKEND, WALKER WAS CRITICIZED BY PRESIDENT OBAMA,
WHO SAID THAT BEING A GOOD FOOTBALL PLAYER DIDN'T MEAN
WALKER WOULD NATURALLY BE A GOOD SENATOR.
THIS DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH WALKER, WHO SAID THIS:
>> I'VE CREATED BUSINESSES.
I SIT ON A PUBLIC-TRADED BOARDS.
SO THOSE ARE THINGS I HAVE DONE OUTSIDE OF FOOTBALL.
>> Stephen: YES, HE'S A JOB CREATOR, IN THAT HE'S VERY
CREATIVE WHEN HE'S MAKING UP HIS JOBS.
( LAUGHTER ) "I'M A HOSPITAL COP-F.B.I. PARTY
CLOWN WITH A DOCTORATE IN KARATE LAW FROM ASTRONAUT UNIVERSITY."
WALKER WENT ON TO CHALLENGE OBAMA:
>> PUT MY RESUME AGAINST HIS RESUME.
I PUT IT UP ANYTIME OF THE DAY, AND I THINK I HAVE DONE WELL.
>> Stephen: BOLD!
OKAY, LET'S PUT YOUR RESUME UP AGAINST HIS:
BARACK OBAMA WAS THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE "HARVARD LAW
REVIEW," A U.S. SENATOR, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, HAS AN EMMY, TWO GRAMMYS, THREE
NUMBER-ONE BEST-SELLING BOOKS, WAS VOTED "TIME'S" "PERSON OF
THE YEAR TWICE," HAS A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR NETFLIX
DEAL, AND KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW THAT-- THAT'S NOT TOO
SHABBY.
MEANWHILE HERSCHEL WALKER'S RESUME SAYS, GOOD AT FOOTBALL,
HOLDS GEORGIA'S SINGLE-SEASON PREGNANCY RECORD, AND BRAIN
BROKE.
NOT EVERYTHING-- HARD TO TELL THEM APART.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS
MIDTERM ELECTION IS THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD.
THERE ARE SOME VERY NORMAL ADS OUT THERE, LIKE THIS ONE, FROM
DEMOCRAT SUSANA MENDOZA, WHO'S RUNNING FOR ILLINOIS
COMPTROLLER.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK: >> I'M SUSANA MENDOZA.
I'VE WORKED HARD TO HELP THAT AND FIX OUR STATE'S FINANCES AND
GET FREARD ITS GROWTH SPURT.
>> THIS TINY LADY GOT RID OF ILLINOIS' HUGE BACKLOG OF UNPAID
BILLS.
>> SHE DELIVERS BIG.
>> SHE'S A FIRECRACKER.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SHE'S A FIRECRACKER.
THAT FARMER'S NOT AFRAID TO GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT AND HARD,
BECAUSE, IF YOU'LL NOTICE, HIS ACTUAL NAME IS DICK BIGGER, JR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S A "JUNIOR."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT MEANS WHEN HE WAS BORN,
DICK BIGGER SR. HELD THAT BABY IN HIS ARMS AND HE SAID, "I'D
LIKE HIM TO HAVE THIS LIFE, TOO."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT, THE
OFFICIAL NAME OF THE AD STARRING DICK BIGGER JR., IS "GROWTH
SPURT."
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL LIKE SUSANA MENDOZA IS
TRYING TO BAIT ME INTO TALKING ABOUT HER AD.
AND LET ME JUST SAY, MS. MENDOZA, IF THE BAIT IS
DICK BIGGER, I WILL BITE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE-- ( CHEERING )
PEABODY, PLEASE.
SO SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
AFTER THAT AD AIRED AND GOT SOME ATTENTION, MENDOZA'S CAMPAIGN
GAVE US WHAT WE ALL CRAVE: MORE DICK BIGGER.
HERE'S HIS OUTTAKES: >> THIS TINY LADY (BLEEP).
THIS TINY LADY GOT RID (BLEEP).
THIS TINY LADY GOT RID OF ILLINOIS' BIG, HUGE--
>> Stephen: IT'S THE DICK BIGGER EXTENDED CUT!
OR UNCUT.
WE JUST DON'T KNOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS BONO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I SAY I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO STICK AROUND.
WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOUIS.
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
VERY KIND.
LOUIS.
>> Stephen: STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I AM REMISS, AND I HOPE YOU'LL FORGIVE ME, IS WE'VE
HAD A WONDERFUL KEYBOARDIST SITTING IN ALL WEEK.
I HAVE NOT ASKED YOU ABOUT THIS YOUNG LADY.
PLEASE TELL US WHO WE ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE US JOINING US.
>> WE HAVE THE INCREDIBLE DENAY GREENFIELD.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
LOUIS, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS JOINING US TONIGHT.
ANOTHER MUSICIAN.
BONO.
>> Louis: HE'S PRETTY GOOD, THAT GUY.
>> Stephen: HE HAS A NEW BOOK CALLED "SURRENDER."
IT'S HIS MEMOIR.
BUT BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER TONIGHT, I HAVE A MASSIVE
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I WANT TO MAKE ON MONDAY.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN, AS IS TRADITIONAL EVERY YEAR, "THE
LATE SHOW" WILL BE ANNOUNCING "PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" FOR
2022!
YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT LAST YEAR, WE REVEALED THAT "PEOPLE'S
"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" WAS PAUL RUDD.
BUT THIS YEAR, IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.
APPARENTLY, MR. RUDD IS EITHER NO LONGER ALIVE OR, EVEN WORSE,
NO LONGER SEXY.
SO EVERYBODY WATCH BEING RIGHT NOW, SET YOUR ALARMS
PROGRAM YOUR ROOSTERS, AND MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN THIS MONDAY
NIGHT ON "THE LATE SHOW," WHERE WE WILL BE THE FIRST ONES TO
BREAK THIS EXCLUSIVE SEXY NEWS.
IT'S SO SECRETIVE THAT EVEN I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS.
BUT I'M BETTING ON A CERTAIN TALL, MUSCULAR, BALD SUPERSTAR
WHO'S A HOUSEHOLD NAME...
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. CLEAN.
( LAUGHTER ) UH-HUH.
THERE YOU GO.
HE'S STILL GOT IT.
( APPLAUSE ) IS THAT A GIANT SHINY HEAD OR
ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
IN OTHER NEWS, I HAVE HAD A BIT OF A WEIRD DAY.
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING, AND I WAS TRENDING ON TWITTER.
THAT'S RARELY GOOD NEWS.
SO I CLICKED ON MY OWN NAME, AND THERE WAS A WHOLE BUNCH
DIFFERENT POSTS, AS USUAL.
THERE WERE SOME THINGS ELIZABETH WARREN SAID ON THE SHOW LAST
NIGHT, SOME WERE THINGS I'VE SAID ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT IT IS
TO VOTE.
ONE PERSON WANTED TO SEE MY FEET.
BUT SOME PEOPLE ONLINE HAD A BONE TO PICK WITH ME.
AND HERE'S THE THING: I DON'T MAKE MANY MISTAKES THAT I'M
WILLING TO ADMIT, BUT WHEN I DO, I'M BIG ENOUGH TO ADMIT
THEM.
YOU SEE, LAST WEDNESDAY, I WAS TALKING ABOUT MICHIGAN G.O.P.
NOMINEE FOR GOVERNOR AND STAR OF THE MOVIE "SMILE," TUDOR DIXON.
AS ONE OF THE CENTERPIECES OF HER CAMPAIGN, DIXON HAS CALLED
FOR BANNING BOOKS FROM SCHOOL LIBRARIES, ESPECIALLY L.G.B.T.Q.
BOOKS.
AND DURING A DEBATE, SHE TOLD A STORY THAT FRANKLY, I DOUBTED.
DIXON'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WORRIED ABOUT THIS ISSUE.
SO'S THIS GUY SHE TOTALLY MADE UP.
>> I HAD A GENTLEMAN COME UP TO ME JUST A FEW NIGHTS AGO, AND HE
SAID, "I FOUND CONTENT IN MY SCHOOL LIBRARY DESCRIBING HOW TO
HAVE SEX TO MY SON.
I WENT TO THE DEMOCRATS, AND I SAID, 'I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS
IN THERE.'" >> Stephen: OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) FINE.
THAT HAPPENED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT EVEN IF IT DID, IF SOMEONE
FOUND A BOOK THEY DIDN'T LIKE AT A SCHOOL LIBRARY, WHY WOULD THEY
GO TO THE DEMOCRATS?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "EXCUSE ME, IS THIS CHUCK SCHUMER'S OFFICE?
I DIDN'T LIKE THE FINALE OF 'HOUSE OF THE DRAGON.'
ALSO: THIS NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER IS WAY TOO OILY WHEN IT'S IN
THE CUPBOARD, BUT IT GETS TOO HARD WHEN IT'S IN THE FRIDGE.
I'M VOTING REPUBLICAN!
GOOD DAY, SIR.
I SAID, GOOD DAY!" WELL, IT TURNS OUT, THE "DETROIT
FREE PRESS" TALKED TO THIS GUY, AND HE'S REAL.
SO I'D LIKE TO ISSUE A RARE CORRECTION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS-- ( APPLAUSE )
THIS VERY REAL PERSON DESERVES AN APOLOGY, BECAUSE, HE SAYS,
"TO CLAIM THAT I'M NOT HERE, I DON'T EXIST, I'M NOT HUMAN,
THAT'S ABSOLUTE IGNORANCE."
SO, I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.
IT IS A TERRIBLE THING FOR SOMEONE TO DENY YOUR VERY
EXISTENCE.
JUST ASK TRANS PEOPLE.
SO I, STEPHEN COLBERT-- ( APPLAUSE )
THERE, I, STEPHEN COLBERT, ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU EXIST AND
ASK THAT YOU FORGIVE ME.
HE GOES ON TO SAY, "IF THIS PERSON"-- AND HE MEANS ME-- "DID
HIS DUE DILIGENCE AND STARTED RESEARCHING OR HAD HIS TEAM DO A
LITTLE BIT OF RESEARCH OF WHO'S THIS PERSON WHO ATTENDED DIXON'S
RALLY, THEY WILL BE ABLE TO FIND MY NAME RIGHT AWAY EASY ON
SOCIAL MEDIA.
JUST GOOGLE IT."
OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT I WILL POINT OUT THAT DIXON NEVER SAID YOUR NAME.
SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SEARCH FOR?
ALL SHE SAID WAS, "I HAD A GENTLEMAN COME UP TO ME AND HE
SAID, 'I FOUND CONTENT IN MY SCHOOL LIBRARY DESCRIBING HOW TO
HAVE SEX TO MY SON.'" ( LAUGHTER )
HE SAYS THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
SO LET'S GOOGLE SOME KEY WORDS FROM THAT SENTENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "GENTLEMAN,"
"SEX," "COME."
OH, MY.
YOU DO EXIST.
AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU!
DELETE SEARCH HISTORY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, NONE--
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S-- HERE'S ANOTHER THING.
NONE OF THE ARTICLES ARE REALLY CLEAR ABOUT WHAT BOOKS HE WAS
UPSET ABOUT, BUT AT A LOCAL SCHOOL BOARD MEETING, THERE WERE
SEVERAL BOOKS OBJECTED TO, INCLUDING "THE LOVELY BONES" BY
ALICE SEBOLD, "PUSH" BY SAPPHIRE, AND "ALL BOYS AREN'T
BLUE" BY GEORGE M. JOHNSON, WHICH ARE PRETTY MAINSTREAM
BOOKS.
IN FACT, THEY WERE ALL TURNED INTO MOVIES: "THE LOVELY BONES"
WAS CALLED "THE LOVELY BONES," PUSH WAS CALLED "PRECIOUS," AND
I'M PRETTY SURE "ALL BOYS AREN'T BLUE" WAS CALLED "THE SMURFS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REGARDLESS, REGARDLESS, MY FRIENDS, REGARDLESS, IT COULD
HAVE BEEN SOME OTHER BOOK.
AND I'M A PARENT, AND I BELIEVE EVERY PARENT HAS A RIGHT TO BE
AWARE OF WHAT THEIR KIDS SEE AND READ, JUST LIKE EVERYONE
LEARNING ABOUT THIS STORY HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW THAT AS
RECENTLY AS OCTOBER, LAST MONTH, THIS GUY CLAIMED TO BE A
DEMOCRATIC POLITICIAN BUT SWITCHED AFTER HE LOST HIS
PRIMARY AND PACKED OFF HIS TOYS AND WENT OFF IN A HUFF TO
SUPPORT AN ELECTION-DENYING, TRANSPHOBIC COVID-19 CONSPIRACY
THEORIST.
WHAT A WONDERFUL EXAMPLE FOR ALL OF OUR CHILDREN.
( APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY--
BY THE WAY, FELLA, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT TUDOR DIXON
BEFORE YOU SUPPORTED HER, YOU SHOULD GOOGLE IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BONO.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE ROOM.
YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE ROOM ALREADY BECAUSE, FOLKS, MY GUEST
TONIGHT IS-- WELL, HE'S A ROCK STAR WHO HAS GIVEN HIS VOICE TO
U2 AND THE FIGHT FOR EQUALITY AROUND THE WORLD.
HE HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW MEMOIR, "SURRENDER: 40 SONGS,
ONE STORY."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," BONO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: GUESTS FIRST.
>> WHAT IF I SAID NO?
>> Stephen: WE'LL DO IT THIS WAY, THEN.
>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE A STAND-UP INTERVIEW.
>> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY DONE A STAND-UP
INTERVIEW.
>> LET'S.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO DO THE INTERVIEW STANDING UP.
>> BECAUSE I'M IRISH AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
IT'S REALLY LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
I HAVE NEVER HAD YOU ON THE SHOW BEFORE.
>> IT'S ALSO SUCH A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, SIR.
>> Stephen: THE THING IS, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME WE'VE BEEN
IN A ROOM TOGETHER-- AND I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
ROSEMONT, 1987, "JOSHUA TREE" TOUR I WAS IN THE 24th ROW
OF THE ORCHESTRA RIGHT BEFORE "SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY."
THAT WAS ME.
>> I KNEW I'D MEET YOU ONE DAY.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
>> YOU CAN SIT DOWN NOW.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> YOU WERE IN THE 25th ROW.
>> Stephen: 25th ROW OF THE ORCHESTRA HAS BEEN OF BABY.
I HAD A LIGHTER.
PRETTY FUN NIGHT, I GOTTA SAY.
>> GOES VERY WELL WITH ROCK 'N' ROLL.
YOU SET YOURSELF ON FIRE THAT NIGHT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
NOW, I DO DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEREO BEGIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START WITH BONO.
IT'S TOO RICH OF A FEAST FOR ME.
>> DROPPED ON MY HEAD WHEN I WAS A BABY.
>> Stephen: SURE, GET IN LINE.
ALL RIGHT, SO HERE IS THE NEW BOOK "SURRENDER: 40 SONGS, ONE
STORY."
AS EVERYONE KNOWS, YOU ARE THE LEAD SINGER OF U2.
THERE YOU ARE WITH THE LADS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
LARRY MULLEN JR. ON DRUMS, ADAM CLAYTON BASS, BONO ON VOCALS,
AND THE EDGE.
BUT WHAT I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, AND YOU GET INTO IT IN
THE BOOK, TAKE ME BACK TO DUBLIN IN THE 70s.
TALK TO ME ABOUT THESE GUYS.
TALK TO ME ABOUT THESE FELLAS RIGHT HERE.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE MEETING THESE FELLAS FOR THE FIRST TIME?
>> CLEARLY SOME APPOINTAMENT.
THE EDGE BOUGHT A GUITAR SAME SHAPE AS HIS HEAD.
LARRY MULLEN, PROPER ROCK STAR FROM DAY ONE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "PROPER ROCK STAR?"
>> HE ACTUALLY-- HE GOT A DRUM KIT FROM HIS DAD, LARRY MULLEN
SR., BY PRETENDING HE WAS INTERESTED IN JAZZ.
AND-- BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE DAD WAS GOING TO KNOW--
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND IF YOU NOTICE LARRY MULLEN JR. IS NOT EXACTLY A PUNK
ROCK NAME.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> MUCH MORE JAZZ.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> SO BUT HE FORMED THE BAND.
AND -- >> Stephen: HE FORMED THE
BAND?
>> HE WAS 14 YEARS OLD.
PUT UP THE NOTICE IN MOUNT TEMPLE COMPREHENSIVE, ROCK,
ROCK, ROCK 'N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL.
I MET ALL FOUR MEMBERS OF U2, AND MY PRESENT AND ONLY WOMAN OF
MY LIFE, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, MY WIFE, THE SAME WEEK.
WE WENT OUT THE SAME WEEK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A BIG WEEK.
>> YEAH, IT WAS A BIG WEEK.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BUT STICK AROUND, WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE BONO,
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE AUTHOR
OF THE NEW MEMOIR "SURRENDER," HIS FIRST BOOK, IN FACT, BONO.
DID YOU SEE THE PETER JACKSON "GET BACK" DOCUMENTARY.
>> YTHE BOATLES.
>> Stephen: THE REASON I ASK IS NOT JUST THE BEATLES, BECAUSE
OF COURSE THE BEATLES.
I LOVE HEARING ABOUT HOW ARTIST THE PROCESS OF GOING THROUGH
THERE'S NOTHING AND SUDDENLY THERE'S SOMETHING, LIKE A MAGIC
WAND THAT MOVES PEOPLE AND GETS IN THEIR HEART FROM A DISTANCE.
I'M CURIOUS WHEN YOU LOOK AT THAT-- WHAT IS YOUR PROCESS
LIKE, I GUESS, IS WHAT I'M THAT PROCESS WAS SO FASCINATING
TO ME, AND DID YOU RECOGNIZE ANYTHING IN THEIR PROCESS IN THE
WAY AND YOU YOUR FRIENDS HERE IN THE BAND CREATE SONGS?
>> I WAS RIVETTED.
FIRST OF ALL, WHO KNEW THAT THE BEATLES HAD CREATED REALITY TV.
THAT WAS LIKE, WOW.
I ALSO FELT SO PRIVILEGED BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE BEING THERE
WHEN JESUS WROTE, YOU KNOW, THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT.
AND, YOU KNOW, IF JESUS HAD A RHODY, HE WOULD BE LIKE,
"BLESSED ARE THEE, BLESSED ARE THE GEEK-- NO, MEEK, MEEK!"
YEAR HEARING THEM WRITE THESE SONGS.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> THEY'RE LIKE, WHAT IS THIS?
HEY GEORGE, NO JUDE.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE YELLING, TUCSON, ARIZONA.
>> IMPROSWRIZATION IS AT THE HEART OF WHAT U2 DOES, EVEN
THOUGH THERE'S A FORMAL SONGWRITING WE DO, EDGE AND
MYSELF DO THAT.
FOR LARRY AND ADAM, THEIR CONTRIBUTION IN THE SONGWRITING
IS OFTEN THROUGH OF IMPROVISATION.
AND IMPROVISATION STARTED EARLY FOR ME AND I REMEMBER AS A CHILD
COULDN'T PLAY.
I REMEMBER MY HAND ON THE PIANO KEYS.
I COULDN'T SEE.
I REMEMBER PUTTING MY FOOT TO THE REVERB PEDDLE, FINDING A
NOTE AND FINDING ANOTHER ONE THAT WOULD SOUND GOOD WITH THAT
NOTE.
AND THAT'S IMPROVISATION.
IT'S FAITH, ACTUALLY.
YOU'RE JUMPING FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET THERE.
AND IN MUSIC, THAT'S HOW-- THAT'S HOW WE LIVE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE FINDING THOSE NOTES.
I'VE NEVER SUNG, YOU KNOW, THESE SONGS THE WAY I'M SINGING THEM
NOW.
I NEVER SUNG THEM BEFORE.
EVERY NIGHT IS DIFFERENT FOR ME.
BUT THERE'S ALSO IMPROVISATION IN JUST THE WAY YOU DEAL WITH
YOUR SITUATION.
I WAS WRITING ABOUT BEING-- I WAS WRITING IN MY BOOK ABOUT...
( APPLAUSE ) AND WE WERE MERE KIDS LOOKING
VERY MUCH LIKE A PHOTOGRAPH.
WE HAD A BIG TV PRODUCER, BIG CHEESE, COMING TO OUR HIGH
SCHOOL BECAUSE HE'D HEARD WE WROTE OUR OWN SONGS.
AND IT WAS A BIG BREAK.
WE WERE GOING TO GET A BREAK AND GET ON THE NATIONAL TELLY.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE WERE ARGUING ABOUT HOW THE SONG WAS GOING.
IT WAS REALLY NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
NONE OF THE SONGS.
WE COULDN'T AGREE ON ANYTHING.
THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR, LIKE THAT.
AND WE'RE LIKE ( BLEEP ) WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
WHAT WILL WE SAY?
WHAT DO WE DO?
AND HE WALKS IN.
"SO YOU WRITE YOUR OWN SONGS, HOW OLD ARE YOU, 15, 16?"
"YEAH, WE WRITE OUR OWN SONGS."
COULD YOU PLAY ME ONE?
IMPROVISATION LED EDGE TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, AND I LOOKED AT
HIM LIKE THAT, ADAM AND LARRY AND WE PLAYED THE RAMON'S "PLAN
TO SEE YOU GO" AND SAID IT WAS OURS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IMPROVISATION, TOO.
GENIUSES STEAL.
EVERYONE BORROWS, GENIUSES STEAL.
>> WE CHANGED IT AROUND WHEN WE GOT ON-- WE ACTUALLY DID THE
APPEARANCE ON TV AND WE CHANGED IT TO ONE OF OUR SONGS, JUST SO
YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK HERE, BUT WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK WITH MORE BONO, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF
"SURRENDER," BONO.
MIDTERMS ARE NEXT WEEK IN THE STATES HERE.
AND OUR COUNTRY'S CASTING A VOTE ABOUT ITS FURKT A VERY KIND OF
INTERESTING ONE NOW, BECAUSE OF WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR
APPROACH, OUR VIEW OF DEMOCRACY AND THE VALIDITY OF THE
ELECTIONS.
YOU'RE A LONGTIME LOVER OF THE U.S., AND YOU SAY IN THE BOOK,
YOU CALL AMERICA PERHAPS THE GREATEST SONG THE WORLD HAS NOT
YET HEARD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
AND WHAT'S THAT SONG SOUND LIKE TO YOU?
>> WELL, WHAT I MEAN IS-- AND I THINK I'M REALLY ENCOURAGED BY
THIS IDEA, THAT AMERICA DOESN'T YET EXIST.
IT'S THE GREATEST IDEA THE WORLD HAS EVER HAD, BUT I DON'T THINK
IT'S HERE YET.
AND THAT'S AN AMAZING FEELING, THAT IT'S JUST BEING WRITTEN,
AND FAR FROM RECORDED.
AND, YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE IN THIS, YOU KNOW, THIS GENERATION,
PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM CAN WRITE WHAT AMERICA IS.
AND, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE LOOK BACK AND THINK THAT AMERICA HAS
HAD ITS HEYDAY.
NO, IT'S ALL COMING FOR YOU.
YOU'RE JUST-- YOU'RE JUST BEING CREATIVE.
THINK ABOUT IT.
IF YOU'RE NOT A NATIVE AMERICAN, THERE'S NO D.N.A. TEST THAT CAN
TELL YOU YOU'RE AN AMERICAN.
I MEAN, IF YOU DO A D.N.A. TEST MERE, ANYONE HERE IT WOULD BE
ONE PART POLISH, ONE PART, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER, ONE PART CZECH,
ONE PART EGYPTIAN.
BUT THERE'S NO D.N.A. TEST THAT WILL TELL YOU YOU'RE AMERICAN
UNLESS YOU'RE A NATIVE.
AD THAT'S KIND OF-- THAT'S WHO YOU ARE.
YOU'RE NOT-- ( APPLAUSE )
THE AMERICAN-- THE AMERICAN IS JUST BEING CREATED.
AND I'M EXCITED BY THAT.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING THAT "YOU'LL BE GOOD WHEN YOU'RE
FINISHED."
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO AMERICA?
>> YES.
( APPLAUSE ) AND THERE IS-- WHAT I DO WANT TO
SAY IS I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE IN THIS COUNTRY, EVEN MY
IMAGINATION.
I'VE BEEN TO BOISE, IDAHO.
I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, BUT THE BAND HAS BROUGHT ME EVERYWHERE.
AND THERE IS NOWHERE IN THIS COUNTRY THEY WOULD WANT TO FLY
OVER.
I'M INTERESTED IN ALL THE AMERICANS THAT I'VE MET.
I'VE MET A LOT.
AND I'M FRIENDS AND IN COMMUNITY WITH CONSERVATIVES AND AS A SORT
OF, YOU KNOW, BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL THAT I AM, I ENJOY THOSE
CONVERSATIONS.
I ENJOY THOSE ARGUMENTS.
IT'S JUST ESSENTIAL THAT THEY STAY AS ARGUMENTS AND NOT THE
KIND OF BRUTALITY THAT WE'VE WITNESSED IN THE LAST WEEK WITH
PAUL PELOSI.
( APPLAUSE ) AND NANCY PELOSI, BECAUSE-- AND
IT WAS EVEN THE HAMMER.
IT JUST ( BLEEP ) WAS A HAMMER.
YOU KNOW, THIS BLUNT INSTRUMENT.
IT'S AN IMAGE I CAN'T GET OUT MIGHT HAVE HEAD.
AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST FEEL THAT ALL OF US ARE BETTER THAN ANY OF
THIS.
AND, YOU KNOW, THE ONE CAMPAIGN WE WORKED WITH, OUR IDEA IS THAT
YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH SOMEBODY ON EVERYTHING.
IT'S THE ONE THING YOU CARE ABOUT IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH.
AND SO, I JUST THINK WE NEED TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER MORE AND
I'M A BIG TALKER.
THAT DOESN'T COME EASY FOR ME, LISTENING.
I THINK WE NEED TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER MORE AND TRY TO
UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON.
BUT, YEAH, AMERICA'S ON ITS WAY.
AND I'M-- I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO SEE HOW-- YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU
TAKE IT.
AND THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES BUT, YOU KNOW, IN THESE TRYING
TIMES, THESE ANXIOUS TIMES, YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS CHOOSE-- YOU
ALWAYS FIND LEADERSHIP TO MATCH THE MOMENT.
IF YOU GO BACK TO THE WAR AND TRUMAN, OR BEFORE THE SECOND
WORLD WAR, YOU THINK OF F.D.R., OR YOU THINK OF-- YOU THINK OF
LINCOLN, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, AND I JUST THINK-- I JUST THINK
AMERICA WILL FIND THAT LEADERSHIP.
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE CAPITOL, YOU
KNOW, LOCAL COMMUNITIES, YOU'LL FIND LEADERS WILL ARRIVE IN
LOCAL COMMUNITIES.
I WOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE, YOU KNOW, SMALL-TOWN AMERICA.
AND YEAH, THIS IDEA OF FLYOVER COUNTRY MAKES ME-- MAKES ME
WRETCH.
I LOVE-- I LOVE ACTUAL AMERICA.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I AGREE.
>> AND ACTUAL AMERICANS.
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL.
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: THE BOOK IS "SURRENDER."
THE MAN IS BONO.
STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING A SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT OF U2'S,
"WITH OR WITHOUT YOU," BONO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> ALL RIGHT, THIS IS NOT EXACTLY ROCK 'N' ROLL, BUT THIS
IS MY NEW BOOK, AND IF YOU LET ME JUST TELL YOU A STORY AS HOW
WE GOT TO THE SONG.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
ARE YOU UP FOR THAT?
( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS THE FIRST HOUSE, MYSELF
AND ALI, THE MISSES, MOVED INTO.
IT WAS A ROUND TOWER.
I'M ABOUT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT.
HERE I GOES.
THE WALLS OF THE MARTELLO TOWER WERE MADE OF GRANITE AND SEVEN
FEET THICK.
IT WAS A FORT CONTAINING THREE CIRCULAR ROOMS, TWO BATHROOMS,
AND A KITCHEN BUILT INTO THE WALLS.
THE LIVING ROOM WAS LIKE A GRANITE IGLOO WITH AN OPENING
ONTO A SOLID-STONE, WINDING STAIRCASE LEADING TO THE LOOKOUT
THAT WE SLEPT IN, WHERE WE BUILT A GLASS ROOM FROM WHICH WE COULD
LOOK OVER THE PROMENADE OF THE SEASIDE TOWN OF BRAY.
IX I COULD SAY WE LIVED IN THE LIGHT HOUSE.
ALI WILL LET HER SOUL BE SEARCHED... BUT ONLY IF YOU
ARRIVE AT HER FORT DEFENSELESS.
HAVE YOU HALF A CHANCE AT CHALLENGING HER OWN ALMOST
UNBROACHABLE BATTLEMENTS.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY OVER THAT DRAWBRIDGE.
IT WASN'T TWO YEARS INTO OUR MARRIAGE, AND I COULD SEE ALI IN
PROLONGED MOMENTS RETURNING TO THE VAST SILENCE SHE HOLDS
INSIDE HERSELF.
SHE WAS SUGGESTING THAT EVEN WHEN I WAS HOME, I WASN'T HOME.
OUR WEEKLY WALKS ALONG THE PROMENADE COULD BE TINGED WITH
MELANCHOLY.
THERE IS, ANYWAY, A KIND OF OFF-COLOR ROMANCE TO A DESERTED
SEASIDE TOWN IN THE WINTER, YOUR HEART'S OPERA SCORED BY THE
SOUND OF THE TIDE CRASHING OVER A STONY BEACH, SHUSHING
EVERYTHING AS THE WAVES TRY TO MAKE UP THEIR MIND WHETHER
THEY'RE LEAVING OR STAYING.
LEAVING OR STAYING.
WHITE WAVES KISSING BLACK STONES, SHUSHING ALL AROUND
THEM.
SHHH...
SHHH.
♪ SEE THE STONE SET IN YOUR EYES AM I SUCH A THORN IN YOUR SIDE?
SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?
SLEIGHT OF HAND AND ♪ TWIST OF FATE
ON A BED OF NAILS, YOU MAKE ME WAIT
WITHOUT YOU ♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU
WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪ THROUGH THE STORM, WE REACH
THE SHORE ♪ YOU GIVE IT ALL BUT I WANT
MORE ♪ AND I'M GRIEVING FOR YOU
WITH OR WITHOUT YOU ♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU,
I CAN'T LIVE ♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU
AND YOU GIVE YOURSELF AWAY ♪ AND YOU GIVE YOURSELF AWAY
YOU GIVE ♪ YOU GIVE
YOU GIVE YOURSELF AWAY ♪ MY HANDS ARE TIED
MY BODY BRUISED, SHE GOT ME ♪ WITH NOTHING TO WIN AND
NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE WITH OR WITHOUT YOU
♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU I CAN'T LIVE
♪ WITH OR WITHOUT YOU OH, OH
♪ OH, OH ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HIS BOOK, "SURRENDER," IS OUT NOW.
BONO, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
GOOD NIGHT.