>> VOTER ENTHUSIASM ON THE RISE
AS WE ENTER THE FINAL 24 HOURS BEFORE TOMORROW'S MID TERMS.
>> THE MID TERMS ARE TOMORROW. >> THIS IS IT, THE LAST DAY
BEFORE THE MID TERMS AND BOTH PARTIES ARE ON A SPRINT TO THE
FINISH WITH CONTROL OF CONGRESS ON THE LINE.
>> IT'S ELECTION SEASON,, THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
AND ON THIS ELECTION EVE, YOU CAN ENJOY ALL YOUR FAVORITE MID
TERM ELECTION MUSIC WITH "A VERY MERRY MID TERMS."
YOU'LL HEAR ALL THE CLASSICS LIKE:
>> ♪ HAVE YOURSELF A GERRYMANDERED DISTRICT.♪
>> ♪ I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE TURNOUT.♪
>> ♪ I SAW MOMMY KISSING HERSCHEL WALKER, THEN HE GAVE
HER 700 BUCKS.♪ >> ♪ IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A
LOT LIKE FASCISTS.♪ >> AND SO MANY MORE.
>> ♪ OH Q'ANON, OH Q'ANON, JOE BIDEN IS A LIZARD.♪
>> ♪ HERE COMES DR. OZ, HERE COMES DR. OZ TALKING ABOUT
CRUDITE ♪ >> ORDER TODAY AND GET A FREE
COPY OF, HAD "HOW THE GRINCH STOLE DEMOCRACY."
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"
TONIGHT: POLAR COASTER.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: JOHN OLIVER
PEOPLE MAGAZINE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
AND A PERFORMANCE FROM "THE LION KING"
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND!
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! >> Stephen: HELLO, MY FRIENDS.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. HAPPY MONDAY.
HAPPY MONDAY, HAPPY MONDAY HAPPY MONDAY.
THANK EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL... TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LISTEN TO THAT LAMPLELEY.
THERE IS ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT, IT'S MID
TERMS EVE. BE SURE TO LEAVE OUT A PLATE OF
COOKIES, AND A COLD GLASS OF XANAX.
BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ANXIOUS.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY THE WAY THE PRESS WANTS YOU.
REMEMBER, I WARNED YOU A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO THAT THE MEDIA WAS
GOING TO SPEND EVERY MINUTE LEADING UP TO THE MID TERMS,
YANKING OUR CHAINS LIKE THEY WERE TRYING TO START A FLOODED
LAWNMOWER? ONE DAY, THE TV NEWS FELLA IS
SAYING, "DEMOCRATS ARE UP IN THE POLLS-- IT'S SHATTERING
HISTORICAL PRECEDENT!" THEN, IT'S "REPUBLICANS WILL
SWEEP THE SENATE, RULE THE NIGHT, AND FEAST ON HUMAN
FLESH." (LAUGHTER)
THEN THE NEXT DAY, THEY'RE LIKE, "OR NOT."
TAKE THIS FINAL NATIONAL NBC NEWS POLL, WHICH DECLARES THAT
48% OF VOTERS SAY THEY PREFER A DEMOCRATIC-CONTROLLED CONGRESS,
WHILE 47% PREFER REPUBLICAN, WHICH IS A REVERSAL FROM
YOU YOU OCTOBER, WHEN 48% PREFERRED THE
YOU G.O.P. AND 47% WANTED DEMOCRATS.
WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN... THE DEMOCRATS FLIPPED LINDA!
(APPLAUSE) FLIPPING LINDA, I SAW THAT
MOVIE! AND TODAY, THE LAST DAY
BEFORE THE ELECTION, WE SPOTTED THIS ACTUAL HEADLINE IN THE
"DAILY BEAST:" "POLLSTERS HAVE 'NO (BLEEP) IDEA
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN' THIS ELECTION."
REALLY! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T REALIZE. THEY CAN DO THAT?
THAT'S LIKE A WEATHERMAN SAYING, "LOOKING TO THE WEEKEND, BE SURE
TO BRING YOUR UMBRELLA, AND YOUR SUNSCREEN, AND DON'T FORGET
THOSE ICE SKATES, FOLKS, BECAUSE IT'S A HOT MESS OUT THERE--
UNLESS IT'S A COLD MESS. THAT'S THE FORECAST, WITH A
MARGIN OF ERROR OF ONE TO FOUR TORNADOES.
NOW, OVER TO PHIL WITH SPORTS, AND/OR LOCAL MURDERS.
REGARDLESS. SKIP TO THE LOO.
REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS-- AND ALL SIGNS POINT TO SOMETHING
HAPPENING-- "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE TOMORROW!
RIGHT HERE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
LIVE MY FRIENDS, YOU KNOW THAT FEELING.
IT IS EVERY COMEDIAN'S DREAM. SAY THOSE ICONIC WORDS:
"LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S TUESDAY NIGHT!"
NICE SNAP DANTE THANK YOU. WITH THE RACES COMING DOWN TO
THE WIRE, THE CANDIDATES WERE OUT SAYING STUFF THIS WEEKEND.
WE HEARD FROM GEORGIA SENATE CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER, SEEN
HERE TRYING TO PLAY TENNIS. AT A RALLY, WALKER EXPRESSED HOW
MAD HE IS THAT DEMOCRATS HAVE FOCUSED SO MUCH ON HIS PERSONAL
LIFE. >> WHY ARE THEY NOT TALKING
ABOUT THINGS THAT REALLY MATTER? BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A
SOLUTION FOR THOSE THINGS. AND I SAID I DO HAVE A SOLUTION,
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TELL THEM, BECAUSE, YOU TELL THEM, THEY'LL
THINK THEY CAME UP WITH IT. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,
HERSCHEL. DON'T REVEAL ANY OF YOUR GREAT
SOLUTIONS. AND, JUST TO MAKE SURE THEY
STAY SAFE, PUT THEM WHEREVER YOU HIDE YOUR SECRET CHILDREN.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: WE ALSO HEARD FROM PENNSYLVANIA
SENATE CANDIDATE AND GRANDMA'S NEW BOYFRIEND WHO JUST GOT ADDED
TO HER WILL... DR. MEHMET OZ.
AT A CAMPAIGN EVENT WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, OZ ASKED A
FAVOR OF HIS SUPPORTERS: >> TOMORROW MORNING, WHEN YOU
AWAKEN, I WANT YOU TO CONTACT TEN PEOPLE.
DO IT AT CHURCH. DO IT BEFORE THE STEELERS GAME.
>> Stephen: ONE PROBLEM. THE STEELERS DIDN'T PLAY ON
SUNDAY. KIND OF IMPORTANT IN
PENNSYLVANIA. THAT'S A BIG MISTAKE.
BUT MAYBE HE WAS JUST CONFUSING THE STEELERS WITH HIS HOME TEAM:
THE NEWARK... AIRPORTS?
THE JERSEY TURN PIKES? OZ'S TROUBLES DON'T STOP THERE,
BECAUSE ON THURSDAY, WE GOT A SURPRISE STATEMENT FROM THE
WOMAN WHO LAUNCHED DR. OZ'S CAREER, OPRAH.
>> IF I LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA I WOULD HAVE ALREADY CAST MY
VOTE FOR JOHN FETTERMAN FOR MANY REASONS.
>> Stephen: YES, FOR MANY REASONS!
YES! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: ONE OF THOSE REASONS IS THAT DR. OZ ALSO STARTS
SENTENCES WITH "IF I LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA."
JOE BIDEN HELD A RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA, AND HE HAD SOME
CHOICE WORDS ABOUT DR. OZ. >> AND OZ?
IN PENNSYLVANIA? (CROWD BOOS)
LOOK, I LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA LONGER THAN OZ HAS LIVED IN
PENNSYLVANIA, AND I MOVED AWAY WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!
>> Stephen: "BACK THEN, THEY CALLED IT OLD QUAKER TOWN.
PHILADELPHIA HAD A BIG BEAUTIFUL BELL, NOT A CRACK IN SIGHT.
MY DAD USED TO SAY TO ME, HE'D SAY, 'JOEY, I DON'T WANT YOU
SPENDIN' TIME WITH THAT BENJI FRANKLIN KID, ALWAYS FLYIN'
KITES AND CHASIN' PETTICOATS. WON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS.
AND BY THE WAY, GET OFF THAT HILL OF BEANS, THAT'S DINNER.
COME ON, JOE JACK! RED COATS ARE COMING'!"
(CHEERING AND APLAUSE) >> Stephen: NO I'M SERIOUS
FOLKS! COME ON ON.
THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT HAD HIS OWN RALLY, AND HE WAS
LASER-FOCUSED ON THE BIGGEST ISSUE OF 2022: 2024.
SPECIFICALLY, WHO HE'S THEORETICALLY LEADING IN THE
POLLS. AND HE'S ALREADY TESTING OUT NEW
NICKNAMES. >> LET'S SEE, THERE IT IS.
TRUMP AT 71%. RON DESANCTIMONIOUS AT 10%.
>> Stephen: "DESANCTIMONIOUS?" REALLY, DID HE SANCTIMONIOUS?
THERE'S NOTHING VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN INSULTS FROM A
WORD-OF-THE-DAY CALENDAR. "LET'S GET BELLICOSE!
DESANTIS IS A PUSILLANIMOUS SYCOPHANT!
INCARCERATE HIM ALOFT! INCARCERATE HIM ALOFT!"
BUT BEFORE DESANTIS CAN FACE OFF AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HE
HAS TO GET RE-ELECTED AS GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA.
HIS CAMPAIGN JUST RELEASED AN AD THAT IMPLIES THAT DESANTIS WAS
CHOSEN BY GOD. IT'S SUBTLE.
SEE IF YOU CAN CATCH IT. >> AND ON THE EIGHTH DAY, GOD
LOOKED DOWN ON HIS PLANNED PARADISE AND SAID, "I NEED A
PROTECTOR." SO GOD MADE A FIGHTER.
>> Stephen: YES, GOD MADE A FIGHTER.
HE MADE EVE FROM ADAM'S RIB, AND RON DESANTIS FROM ADAM'S TAINT.
BUT NOT FAIR! THAT'S NOT NICE, THAT'S NOT
NICE. WHY DID I SAY THAT?
BUT, HEAR ME, OH, AUDIENCE: IT GETS WORSE.
>> GOD SAID, "I NEED SOMEBODY WILLING TO GET UP BEFORE DAWN,
KISS HIS FAMILY GOODBYE TRAVEL THOUSANDS OF MILES, FOR
NO OTHER REASON THAN TO SERVE THE PEOPLE."
>> Stephen: OH MY LORD. RON DESANTIS?
MORE LIKE RON DESANCTIMONIUS. DAMN!
IT IS A GOOD NICKNAME! (APPLAUSE)
THERE CONTINUES TO BE NEWS ABOUT TESLA C.E.O. AND YOUR SISTER'S
BOYFRIEND RUNNING INTO YOU AS HE'S LEAVING A STRIP CLUB...
ELON MUSK. OVER THE WEEKEND, MUSK FIRED
HALF OF TWITTER'S STAFF, AROUND 3,700 PEOPLE.
IT MAY SOUND DRASTIC, BUT THE GUY CLEARLY KNOWS WHAT HE'S
DOING. SOMEONE HAD TO MAKE THE
DECISION. AND TWITTER IS NOW ASKING SOME
FIRED WORKERS TO PLEASE COME BACK.
BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, SOME PEOPLE WERE LAID OFF BY MISTAKE, WHILE
OTHERS WERE FIRED BEFORE MANAGEMENT REALIZED THEIR
EXPERIENCE WAS NECESSARY TO BUILD THE NEW FEATURES MUSK
WANTS FOR THE PLATFORM. THAT'S SOME A-PLUS MANAGEMENT.
"THAT'S IT, JIMMY, PACK YOUR DESK, YOU'RE FIRED.
NOW I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO TYPE UP YOUR PINK SLIP.
YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK A COMPUTER? AMAZING!
YOU'RE HIRED! YOUR FIRST JOB?
FIRE YOURSELF! I COULDN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU,
BUDDY. NOW GET (BLEEP) OUT!
(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: POTTY-MOUTH.
SINCE MUSK TOOK OVER, ADVERTISERS HAVE FLED THE
PLATFORM, BUT HE HAS A PLAN TO REPLACE ALL THAT LOST REVENUE:
START CHARGING USERS $8 A MONTH FOR A BLUE CHECKMARK.
THAT SEEMS PRETTY STEEP FOR SOMETHING THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN
FREE. BUT IT'S A VALUE, BECAUSE NOT
ONLY DO YOU GET A BLUE CHECK MARK, IT WOULD VERIFY THAT
YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO GIVE $8 TO THE
RICHEST MAN WHO'S EVER LIVED. HAVING A BLUE CHECK USED TO
MEAN YOU ACTUALLY WERE WHO YOU SAID YOU WERE.
BUT NOW, ANYONE WHO PAYS CAN GET THE BLUE CHECK.
MUSK DEFENDED THE CHANGE, TWEETING, "WIDESPREAD
VERIFICATION WILL DEMOCRATIZE JOURNALISM."
YES. SOON YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET YOUR
NEWS FROM A WIDE VARIETY OF RESOURCES-- EVERYONE FROM THE
"NEW YORK TIMES" TO THE EQUALLY-QUALIFIED,
@PatriotFootLover420. SINCE MUSK TOOK OVER, MANY
VERIFIED USERS HAVE STARTED TWEETING SARCASTIC AND IRONIC
COMMENTS WITH "ELON MUSK" AS THEIR SCREEN NAMES, USING HIS
PICTURE. IN RESPONSE, MUSK TWEETED,
"GOING FORWARD, ANY TWITTER HANDLES ENGAGING IN
IMPERSONATION WITHOUT CLEARLY SPECIFYING 'PARODY' WILL BE
PERMANENTLY SUSPENDED." AW, DID SOMEONE HURT MR. FREE
SPEECH'S FEE-FEES? YOU
BUT AS A COMEDIAN, I CAN CONFIDENTLY SAY, NOTHING
IMPROVES A JOKE QUITE LIKE ANNOUNCING THAT IT'S A JOKE.
"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
KEEP IN MIND, I'M JUST KIDDING. DON'T WORRY, THE CHICKEN IS
FINE. SO'S THE ROAD.
NOW, BRACE YOURSELF, THE PUNCHLINE IS COMING-- AND AGAIN,
NONE OF THIS IS REAL. IT'S MERELY MADE-UP FICTIONAL
SCENARIO FOR YOUR OWN AMUSEMENT. ...TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE.
THAT'LL BE $8." THAT THE WAY IT WORKS?
DID I DO IT RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE KNOW WHAT ACTUAL PEOPLE ACTUALLY
BELIEVE AND SAY, WHICH IS WHY "THE LATE SHOW" HAS CREATED A
WEBSITE WITH PURE, 100% ELON MUSK-VERIFIED FACTUAL
INFORMATION, CALLED ThisIsTheRealNotParodyElonMusk
.org. I PROMISE YOU THAT I HAVE PUT AS
MUCH THOUGHT INTO MAKING THIS WEBSITE AS ELON MUSK PUT INTO
BUYING TWITTER. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUEST IS JOHN OLIVER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M GOING TO ANNOUNCE THE SEXIEST MAN
ALIVE. THAT'S NEWS!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR "THE LATE SHOW" BAND!
WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. FOLKS RIGHT OVER THERE, THAT
BAND TONIGHT, TONIGHT YOU MAY, KEY EYED VIEWERS THAT LOUIS CATO
THE LEADER ISN'T OVER THERE, BUT OUR WONDERFUL J SAYLOR IS OVER
THERE LEADING THE BAND HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> DOING WELL. >> Stephen: FOLKS AS YOU
KNOW, WE ARE ON THE BRINK OF A DECISION THAT
WILL SET OUR COUNTRY, OUR WORLD, ON A NEW PATH.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT WHO WILL BE "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2022. I'VE LONG BELIEVED THE SEXIEST
MAN ALIVE IS ONE OF THE CORNERSTONES OF THIS GREAT
NATION, AND IT IS WITH HUMILITY AND GRATITUDE THAT I AM THRILLED
TO ANNOUNCE THAT "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE HAS DECIDED TO AWARD ME
THE INCREDIBLE HONOR... OF ANNOUNCING THE SEXIEST MAN
ALIVE FOR A SECOND YEAR IN A ROW!
BECAUSE LONG TIME FANS OF MALE SEXINESS MAY RECALL THAT LAST
YEAR, THE PERSONS AT "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE ENTRUSTED "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" SEXINESS RESEARCH INSTITUTE TO
SELECT A WORTHY CANDIDATE. AND I TOOK THE RESPONSIBILITY
VERY SERIOUSLY. I AND MY TEAM OF SCIENTIFIC
SEXPERTS VETTED-- AND I MEAN THOROUGHLY VETTED-- HUNKY MEN.
AND ULTIMATELY BESTOWED THE TITLE ON PAUL RUDD.
BUT, IT IS TIME FOR A NEW SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, BECAUSE THAT
IS PAUL RUDD LAST YEAR, BUT HERE HE IS NOW.
(DRY HEAVES) TAKE IMDOWN, JIMMY!
NOW, WE HERE AT THE SEXINESS RESEARCH INSTITUTE HAVE BEEN
HARD AT WORK TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE QUALIFIED TO FOLLOW IN
THE SEXY FOOTSTEPS OF MEN LIKE DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON,
MICHAEL "B." JORDAN, AND CHANNING "BE ROCKING THAT TANK
TOP" TATUM. WE SIFTED THROUGH COUNTLESS
CANDIDATES. NUMBERS WERE CRUNCHED.
ABS WERE CRUNCHED. AND I AM HAPPY TO SAY THAT WE
HAVE NARROWED IT DOWN TO JUST TWO SEXY CONTENDERS.
SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO THE FINALISTS FOR "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ARE...
JOE, PLEASE? (DRUM ROLL)
THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," JOHN OLIVER...
CHE(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OR HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR AND
INCANDESCENT SUPERNOVA OF HOTNESS, CHRIS EVANS!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AND THE WINNER OF THIS YEAR'S
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE IS: (DRUM ROLL)
CHRIS EVANS! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> HE'S NOT EVEN HERE? THIS IS BULL (BLEEP) STOP THE
STEAL. HE'S NOT EVEN HERE!
>> Stephen: BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR, JOHN.
UNFORTUNATELY, CHRIS EVANS' SEXINESS COULDN'T BE HERE
TONIGHT, BUT WE DID RECEIVE A VERY SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM THE
SET OF HIS UPCOMING FILM. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> HEY AMERICA, IT'S DUANE JOHNSON, ALSO KNOWN AS THE ROCK,
ALSO KNOWN AS MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
NOW I JUST HEARD THE AMAZING NEWS, THE FANTASTI NEWS THAT MY
GOOD FRIEND, I GOT OKEEP THIS QUIET, CHRIS EVANS WAS JUST
NAMED SEXIEST MAN ALIVE FROM PEOPLE MAGAZINE 2022.
LET'S GO CONGRATULATE HIM COME ON.
THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, LOOK AS YOU MAN, YOU LOOK GOOD.
>> MEANS A LOT, COMING FROM A FORMER SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> I JUST MEAN, YOU KNOW, THANKS
FOR SUPPORT. >> OF COURSE YES.
>> AS A FORMER SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, IT JUST MEANS A LOT.
>> I NEVER GIVE THE TITLE UP! >> WEREN'T YOU SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
IN 2016? >> I'M SEXIEST MAN IN
PERPETUITY, WHICH MEANS FOR LIFE.
>> I THOUGHT I WAS JUST NAMED -- >> ASK YOU A QUESTION BROTHER,
AM I ALIVE, AM I STILL SEXY? YOU BET YOUR SEXY MOUTH I AM.
>> WE'LL SHARE IT. >> LAST THING, SAY SOMETHING
SEXY. >> GO VOTE TOMORROW!
>> THAT IS SEXY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HERE HE IS, OH, THE SASH BELT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GET
THIS PEND UP, COME ON THIS IS A BIG MOMENT.
HERE WE GOOD. YOU READY?
>> I'M ALL TUCKED. I'M ALL TUCKED.
WE GOT IT. >> FIVE MINUTES LATER.
>> ALL RIGHT WHAT I SAID WAS, GO VOTE TOMORROW.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!
AND CHRIS EVANS. >> Stephen: THANK YOU TO DWAYNE
"THE ROCK" JOHNSON AND CONGRATS TO CHRIS "THE SEXY" EVANS ON
OFFICIALLY BEING NAMED "PEOPLE'S" SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
2022! HERE IS THE FIRST LOOK AT HIS
COVER! THERE YOU GO!
FOR MORE SEXY INFORMATION, GO TO People.com.
AND, YOU CAN PICK UP THIS WEEK'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ISSUE THIS
FRIDAY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SEXY
RUNNER-UP, JOHN OLIVER! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM "THE LOVE GURU."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN OLIVER.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> THANK YOU, GOOD TO SEE YOU
TOO. LOVELY TO BE HERE TOO.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T WIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT? >> WHAT?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SEXY TO ME.
>> I'M GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT 11 AND A HALF MONTHS GETTING SO
HOT! >> Stephen: YOU'RE SILVER FOX
MAN. >> CLEARLY, AMERICA DOESN'T WANT
A SILVER FOX. I'M DYEING MY HAIR, I'M EATING
CREATINE FOR A YEAR AND IF IT DOESN'T IT WILL MAKE ME (BLEEP)
ABSOLUTELY HOT. UNBELIEVABLE BUSTING OUT OF MY
SUITS, CALM ME JOHNNY LUNCHABLES, I'M GOING TO BE A
SNACK. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED, CHRIS EVANS WAS ANNOUNCED SEXIEST MAN ALIVE AND,
THE AUDIENCE BOOED? >> I CAN RUIN ANY OCCASION I'M A
PART OF. HOW'S THAT NOT HOT?
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOU JOHN OLIVER
YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS WITH YOUR TIME.
NOT ONLY ARE YOU HERE TONIGHT BUT LAST WEEK YOU WERE ON
BECAUSE YOU PARTICIPATED IN OUR KIDS PITCH MOVIE, WHERE KIDS
PITCH A MOVIE TO US WHERE IT WAS THE SCARIEST MOVIE ALIVE AND YOU
PLAYED A DAYMONDAY IN IT. >> WHATEVER THOSE KIDS SAY I'LL
BE HERE. >> Stephen: HALLOWEEN PITCH.
I ASK YOU DO YOU ENJOY HALLOWEEN WITH THE KIDS?
>> I DO. WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN ENGLAND
IT WAS NOT THAT BIG A DEAL. I SAW IT ONETT ON ET AND BONFIRT
IS MORE ABOUT WELL IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF BRITISH, COMMEMORATING
WHEN GUY FOLKS ALMOST BURNED UP PARLIAMENT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE PRETENDING TO BURN CATHOLICS.
>> IN A REDEDUCTIVE SENSE YES, IT'S BURNING CATHOLICS, USING
CATHOLICS AS FUEL. SURE, THERE'S A MUCH LONGER
CONVERSATION THAT MAKES IT SOUND BETTER BUT YES, IF YOU WANT TO
GO DOWN TO THE NUB. WE BURN CATHOLICS ONCE A YEAR.
WITH FIREWORKS. >> Stephen: YEAH?
>> THE NIGHT BEFORE IS SCALLY NIGHTLY.
PETTY VANDALISM. TRICK OR TREATING, IF YOU REMOVE
THE TREATS PART. YOU REDUCE COMMERCIALISM BY
INTRODUCING CANDY AND PROPERTY DAMAGE.
>> Stephen: YOU REDUCE THE TRICKS, AND THAT'S CAPITALISM.
DID YOU EVER DRESS UP AS A KID? >> AS A KID I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GO AS AN ADULT, VAMPIRE OR SOMETHING?
THAT IS THE SEXIEST THING YOU COULD BE, WEREWOLF IF YOU GOT TO
BE CONFIDENT. >> OTHERWISE YOU JUST LOOK DAMP.
MUSK, LIKE YOU'VE BEEN IN THE FOREST WAY TOO LONG.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK LIKE A SAILOR ON SHORE LEAVE.
>> THE LAST TIME I DRESSED UP I WAS DUKE KABOOM.
FROM TOY STORY IV. >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE
KIDS? >> MY LITTLEST HE WANTED TO BE A
PUMPKIN AND THEN HE WANTED BE TO BE IRON PLAN INSTEAD.
PUMPKIN ALL THE TIME, IRON MAN AT THE LAST MINUTE.
CAN YOU TURN A PUMPKIN INTO A SERVICEABLE IRON MAN?
THE ANSWER IS NO. IT'S CHANGED, I LOVE THE FACT
THEY HAVE -- THEY LOVE THE FACT THEY HAVE MUSCLES.
THEY WERE LIKE COUNTING THEIR ABS ON THE COSTUMES.
>> Stephen: MY YOUNGEST IS NOW 21 BUT IN HIS ERA, WHEN HE
WAS A LITTLE KID HE WOULD HAVE A FAN ON THE BACK AND ININFLATE,
PUSH ON -- INFLATE, PUSH ON THEM AND --
>> HE WAS LIKE, LOOK DAD, I GOT HILLS.
HE SAID, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY HILLS!
ARE (BLEEP) BECAUSE I'M TIRED, ALL RIGHT?
BECAUSE I'M TIRED ALL THE TIME. HOW ISN'T THAT SEXY?
>> Stephen: MY YOUNGEST THE SAME WUNG THAT WAS THE THING, I
WOULD WRINKLE WHEN I GET NEAR THE WINDOW, ALL THE CROW'S FEET
HERE AND WHEN I SMILE THEY REALLY COME ALONG.
HE WAS A LITTLE KID, HE GOES DADDY YOU HAVE GILLS!
>> GILLS! >> Stephen: YEAH, GILLS BABY.
>> THEY ARE LIKE HIGH FUNKING DON RIC -- FUNCTIONING DON RICK.
>> Stephen: STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: LOOK WHO THAT IS,
CHECK OUT THAT SLICE OF SEXY RIGHT THERE.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," JOHN
OLIVER. NOT TO BRING UP I, YOU KNOW, AN
UGLY SUBJECT BUT THE MID TERMS ARE TOMORROW.
AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON.
HISTORICALLY WE KNOW WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN, THE POLLS ARE ALL OVER
THE PLACE BUT THE THING THAT I'M INTERESTED IN IS, THIS IS YOUR
FIRST MID TERMS AS A UNITED STATES CITIZEN.
>> MY FIRST MID TERM VOTE! (APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: ARE YOU MID-CITED FOR IT?
>> HERE IS THE THING. AS AN INDIVIDUAL WHO'S RECENTLY
BECOME A U.S. CITIZEN, THE ACT OF VOTING IS VERY EXCITING TO
ME. I DIDN'T WANT TO GO VOTE EARLY,
I WANT TO VOTE WHEN THERE'S A QUEUE.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T SAY QUEUE HERE.
WE SAY LINE. >> GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF HERE.
I LOVE THE LINE! >> Stephen: I'M NOT ASKING
FOR THE ADDRESS BUT WHAT KIND OF PLACE DO YOU GO TO?
>> IT'S A SCHOOL. >> Stephen: IT'S A MIDDLE
SCHOOL FOR ME. I LOVE THE FACT THAT THE KIDS
THROW A BAKE SALE. >> BEING IN THAT LINE THAT'S
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO. ONE OF THE MOMENTS YOU FEEL
VALIDATED. >> Stephen: OLD WOMAN WITH
THE GLASSES, WHO SAYS NAME PLEASE.
DO YOU GO WITH THE BIRDEX OR DO YOU FAKED AMERICAN ACCENTS?
>> I'VE FAKED AMERICAN ACCENTS SO MANY TIMES IN THE PAST.
EVEN WITH AUTOMATED TELEPHONE LINES.
NUMBER 4 PLEASE MA'AM. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE A MARSHALL. >> I'LL BE A SEE DATED JOHN --
SEDATED JOHN WAYNE. I'LL TAKE NUMBER 4.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU STILL A CITIZEN OF THE U.K?
>> BOTH. IN THE DAYS OF THE EMPIRE IT WAS
A LOT MORE THAN TWO. SO --
>> Stephen: YOU CAN VOTE OVER THERE TOO?
>> YES I CAN. >> Stephen: OVER THERE
THEY'VE GONE THROUGH THREE OR FOUR PRIME MINISTERS, AND LIKE
THIS ONE. WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT RISHI
SUNAK? >> HE IS WEALTHY BEYOND ANY
EXPECTATION. HE IS HEIR TO THE INFOSYS
SYSTEM. >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE THE
HARRIS TO -- DOING ANYTHING OTHER THAN HE'S RICHIE RICH?
>> HE'S RICHIE RICH, RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING US OUT OF THE MESS
THAT HE WAS VERY MUCH CULPABLE GETTING US IN.
HE WORKED WITH BORIS JOHNSON. THEY'RE GOING TO TRY HIM AND IF
THIS DOESN'T WORK OUT, THEY'LL WORK THEIR WAY THROUGH THE
ALPHABET. AARON ANDERSON.
IF THEY WORK IT DOWN TO O I'LL GET A TRY.
>> Stephen: HER COURTESY KILLED THE QUEEN!
>> IT DID. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY (BLEEP)
FROM THE CBS LAWYERS HERE. LIST TRUSS -- THE QUEEN SAID, I
DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, AND DIED.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A FACT, A BLUE CHECK ON THAT FACT RIGHT
THERE! >> I'M GO $8 OFTEN ME RIGHT
THERE. YOU CAN BLUE CHECK THAT FACT.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE KNOWS HOW TO COURTESY, RIGHT?
>> I'M A PEASANT, NO. RICHIE SUNAK WENT TO WESTMINSTER
SCHOOL, THERE WAS EVERY CHANCE WAS TAUGHT TO COURTESY.
I JUST BOW, WHATEVER, WHATEVER. >> THANK YOU, GET ME THE BIGGEST
TURKEY YOU CAN. I WILL!
(LAUGHTER) >> I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO
EXPECTATIONS OF RICHIE SUNAK OF BEING ANYTHING OTHER THAN A
DISASTER BUT WE'LL SEE. >> Stephen: YOU STAY THERE
I'M DO A COMMERCIAL AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER
EVERYBODY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT" JOHN OLIVER. DO THEY GET WHERE THEY ARE
WITHOUT PAYING THEIR DUES, I DON'T LIKE THEM.
YOU DID NOT COME OUT OF THE GATE AS A SUCCESSFUL PERFORMER.
>> NO. >> Stephen: WHAT WERE THOSE
FIRST YEARS LIKE? WHAT DID YOU DO?
PAY THE BILLS I MEAN? >> OTHER THAN DISAPPOINT AND
INFURIATE THE AUDIENCES? >> Stephen: SURE.
>> I TOOK ANY KIND OF TEMP JOB I COULD.
ANYWHERE. ONCE I WAS CENTS TO CO COVER THE
MATERNITY LEAVE OF THE WOMAN WHO WAS COVERING THE PHONES FOR THE
GUY, AN OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPE OF A LONDON GANGSTER.
PEOPLE WOULD CALL UP, "IS JIM THERE, IS HE THERE?" AND WOE
GO, "I AIN'T HERE JOHN, I'M NOT HERE."
"TELL JIM I KNOW HE'S HERE, I'M (BLEEP)ING KILL HIM."
HE SENT ME ACROSS LONDON WITH $15,000 POUNDS IN CASH AND A
KNIFE. >> Stephen: HONEST TO GOD?
>> IT'S TRUE. I ASKED WHAT THE KNIFE WAS FOR,
IF ANYONE TRIES TO KILL YOU, THAT'S TO PROTECT YOU.
I SAID JIM, I'M COVERING MATERNITY LEAVE, I'M NOT BUILT
FOR THIS LIFE, JIM. >> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW IT
WAS STOLEN EQUIPMENT? >> YES, ONE GUY CALLED UP AND
SAID DID YOU HAVE THIS CERTAIN KIND OF COOKER THERE?
I SAID I THINK I'VE SEEN IT, HE SAYS DOES IT HAVE CONCRETE OFF
THE BACK OF THE PIPES? I SAID YES.
HE SAID HE (BLEEP) TOOK IT FROM ME LAST NIGHTLY.
I'M NOT PULLING BACK MY OWN STUFF.
HE SAYS OFFER HIM 200 POUNDS. >> Stephen: YOUR WONDERFUL
WIFE, YOU MATTER ALMOST A DECADE?
>> YES, ALMOST A DECADE. >> Stephen: IF IT HADN'T BEEN
A DECADE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CLAPPED.
>> THE RULE HAS THERE NOW ON GOT TO BE, LESS THAN TEN YEARS,
SILENCE. DOUBLE FIGURES IS THE LEAST YOU
CAN DO. >> Stephen: YOU AND I BOTH
COMPLICATED YOUR EARLIER RELATIONSHIP WITH KATE.
CAN YOU TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I WAS DOING AN INTERVIEW WITH TERRY GROSS ON FRESH AIR, VERY
EXCITING. SHE SAID ON THIS INTERVIEW, I
GATHER YOU'VE JUST GOT ENGAGED. AND I HAD NOT JUST GOT ENGAGED.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT. >> YOU DEFINITELY CAN'T SAY NO,
HEY, NO, THIS FISH GOT TO SWIM TTERRY, THIS BIRD GOT TO FLY.
I PROBABLY FROZE AND THEN OBFUSCATED SOMEHOW.
BUT I DO REMEMBER MY WIFE'S FAMILY WERE LISTENING TO IT AND
THEN CALLING HER UP SAYING, "I HEAR YOU GOUT ENGAGED, TERRY
GROSS SAID YOU GOT ENGAGED." SHE SAID, "NOT YET I DIDN'T."
>> Stephen: I WAS ABOUT TO HOLD UP A BOOK ASSOCIATED --
>> I GOT A BOOK COMING OUT. >> Stephen: I'LL DO THIS, IS
THIS DUKE NEWCOMBE? JOHN OLIVER.
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT" AIRS SUND SUNDAYS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE FROM "THE LION
KING."
>> Stephen: CELEBRATING THEIR 25th ANNIVERSARY ON BROADWAY,
AND HERE TO PERFORM "THE CIRCLE OF LIFE" FOR THE FIRST TIME ON
LATE NIGHT TELEVISION, CEE-DEE MANYE AND THE BROADWAY CAST OF
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SHOW IN HISTORY, "THE LION KING!"
CHEAPER ♪ NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA
SITHI UHM INGONYAMA ♪ 'NGONYAMA 'NGENGW'EBO!
MAI BA BO, HA, INGONYAMA BABA! ♪ NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA
SITHI UHM INGONYAMA ♪ 'NGONYAMA 'NGENGW'EBO!
OH, KHUSANI BO! ♪ PEGI AKALELA, ESHE!
NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA ♪ SITHI UHM INGONYAMA
INGONYAMA ♪ INGONYAMA
INGONYAMA NENGW' ENAMABALA ♪ INGONYAMA NENGW' ENAMABALA
INGONYAMA NENGW' ENAMABALA ♪ TA-NA-NA-NA-NA
TA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA! ♪ TA-NA-NA-NA-NA
TA-NA-NA-NA-NA! TA-NA-NA-NA-NA
♪ FROM THE DAY WE ARRIVE ON THE PLANET
♪ AND BLINKING STEP INTO THE SUN
♪ THERE'S MORE TO SEE THAN CAN EVER BE SEEN
♪ MORE TO DO THAN CAN EVER BE DONE
♪ THERE IS FAR TOO MUCH TO TAKE IN HERE
♪ MORE TO FIND THAN CAN EVER BE FOUND
♪ BUT THE SUN ROLLING HIGH THROUGH THE SAPPHIRE SKY
♪ KEEPS GREAT AND SMALL ON THE ENDLESS ROUND
♪ IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE AND IT MOVES US ALL
♪ THROUGH DESPAIR AND HOPE THROUGH FAITH AND LOVE
♪ 'TIL WE FIND OUR PLACE ON THE PATH UNWINDING
♪ IN THE CIRCLE THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
♪ IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE INGONYAMA NENGW' ENAMABALA
♪ AND IT MOVES US ALL THROUGH DESPAIR AND HOPE
♪ THROUGH FAITH AND LOVE 'TIL WE FIND OUR PLACE
♪ ON THE PATH UNWINDING IN THE CIRCLE
♪ THE CIRCLE OF LIFE (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: THE BROADWAY CAST OF "THE LION KING," EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN WE WILL BE
LIVE FOLLOWING THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS.
GOOD NIGHT!