>> IT IS ELECTION DAY WITH CONTROL OF BOTH HOUSES OF
CONGRESS UP FOR GRABS IN ONE OF THE MOST CONSEQUENTIAL MIDTERMS
IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
>> IT COULD BE DAYS, PERHAPS EVEN LONGER, BEFORE WE KNOW THE
FINAL MIDTERM RESULTS.
>> BE PATIENT ON ELECTION NIGHT.
YOU MAY NOT KNOW FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
GRAHAM DIED ALONE.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW LIVE WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: LIGHTS, CAMERA, ELECTION.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES LIVE: JOHN DICKERSON
AND MIKE BIRBIGLIA FEATURING LIVE LOUIS CATO AND
THE LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WE GOT TO DO A
LITTLE BIT OF THAT RIGHT THERE.
HAVE A GOOD SHOW.
HAPPY TUESDAY.
HAPPY LIVE, EVERYBODY.
HELLO!
HELLO FRIENDS.
BEAUTIFUL.
UP THERE, DOWN HERE.
♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU.
YOU TOUCHED ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS, EVERYBODY!
HERE WE GO.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
PLEASE.
WELCOME, WELCOMES TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE HERE JOIN YOU FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH ALL THESE
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WE ARE LIVE.
LOOK AT THAT.
WE ARE LIVE RIGHT THERE.
IT'S OUR LIVE ELECTION SHOW.
AND BECAUSE THESE DAYS IT OFTEN FEELS LIKE OUR POLITICS ARE IN
THE UPSIDE DOWN, WE'RE CALLING TONIGHT "STRANGER MIDTERMS:
2022."
♪ ♪ ♪
THOUGH-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'RE RUNNING UP THAT HILL.
>> Louis: OH, YEAH!
>> Stephen: WE'RE RUNNING UP THAT HILL TONIGHT.
THOUGH THE G.O.P. IS PICKING UP SEATS IN THE HOUSE, SO FAR IT
DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A RED WAVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
PERHAPS-- PERHAPS-- TOO EARLY TO TELL.
PERHAPS A PINK TRICKLE.
THEY SHOULD REALLY HAVE THAT CHECKED OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE ALL GOING TO WANT TO STAY
WITH US FOR THE NEXT HOUR, BECAUSE WE WILL HAVE
UP-TO-THE-MINUTE ELECTION RESULTS, AND UP-TO-THE-MINUTE
ELECTION DENIALS.
IN FACT, WE HAVE PREPARED THREE RESULTS GRAPHICS TONIGHT--
WINNER, LOSER, AND LOSER YELLING THAT THEY WON, JUST ASK THEIR
FRIEND HOLDING A PILLOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BECAUSE THE THING IS-- REPUBLICAN ELECTION DENIERS OUT
THERE ARE ON BALLOTS IN 48 OF THE 50 STATES TONIGHT, MAKING UP
A MAJORITY OF THIS YEAR'S G.O.P.
NOMINEES.
AND IF ANY OF THEM ARE ELECTED TO CONGRESS, THAT'S GOING TO
MAKE THE NEXT INSURRECTION REAL AWKWARD.
( LAUGHTER ) HANG MYSELF!
NOW ALL NIGHT, ALL NIGHT LONG, THESE ELECTION NUMBERS ARE GOING
TO BE POURING IN, AND I KNOW YOU EXPECT UP-TO-THE-MINUTE ANALYSIS
FROM COMEDY SHOWS.
BUT, IF HALF THE COUNTRY DENIES THE EXISTENCE OF MATH, IT
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHERE WE GET THE NUMBERS FROM.
SO, PLEASE WELCOME "THE LATE SHOW"'S" SENIOR ELECTION ANALYST
LIVE FROM THE CBS MIDTERMS PROJECTION COUP COOP.
STEVE CLUCKNACKI.
STEVE.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US IN THE COOP.
STEVE, YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING A SHARP EYE AND AN EVEN SHARPER
BEAK ON TONIGHT'S RESULTS.
WHAT FRIENDS OF TRENDS ARE YOU SEEING OUT THERE?
OKAY, HE'S WANDERING AROUND GEORGIA, COULD MEAN A HIGH RURAL
TURNOUT.
COULD MEAN HE SAW A DELICIOUS GRUB OVER THERE.
THANK YOU, STEVE.
WE'LL BE CHECKING IN ALL NIGHT ON YOUR IM-PECK-ABLE AND
EGG-CELLENT ANALYSIS.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, NO.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY, STEVE.
THAT WAS INSENSITIVE.
THOSE ARE YOUR CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ONE OF THE BIGGEST RACES
THAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WATCHING IS IN GEORGIA BETWEEN ELIZABETH
RAPHAELWARNOCK AND HERSCHEL WAL.
AND RIGHT NOW THEY ARE NECK AND ALMOST ENTIRELY NECK.
IT IS SO TIGHT, IT'S STILL TIGHT?
IS IT STILL A TIGHT RACE?
IT IS SO TIGHT THIS RACE COULD BE DECIDED BY A MARGIN OF ERROR
PLUS OR MINUS HERSCHEL WALKER'S SECRET CHILDREN.
AND-- THIS IS TRUE?
I'M TOLD WE DO HAVE SOME RESULTS.
HERE IN NEW YORK, IN A SHOCKER, THE SENATE RACE HAS BEEN CALLED
FOR MAJORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER.
( APPLAUSE ) AND OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIS
OPPONENT'S POLITICAL DEMISE, SCHUMER WILL BE WEARING HIS
GLASSES AT HALF-MAST.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S A GENTLEMAN.
IN THE FLORIDA GOVERNOR'S RACE, DEMOCRAT CHARLIE CRIST HAS BEEN
DEFEATED BY MAGA WANNA-BE AND 2024 HOPEFUL RON DeSANTIS
( BOOING ) AND NOW IN ACCORDANCE WITH
FLORIDA LAW, CHARLIE CRIST WILL BE FLOWN TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
STAYING IN FLORIDA?
STAYING IN FLORIDA IN THE SENATE RACE, IT LOOKS LIKE REPUBLICAN
MARCO RUBIO HAS DEFEATED DEMOCRATIC RISING STAR VAL
DEMINGS.
DEMINGS WAS ON THE SHORT LIST TO BE BIDEN'S RUNNING MATE WHILE
RUBIO IS ON THE SHORT LIST FOR BEING SHORT.
UP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR CHRIS SUNUNU HAS BEEN
ELECTED GOVERNOR.
IN THE OTHER ONE OF-- WHICHEVER THOSE STATES
IT IS, VERMONT, THE SENATE RACE HAS WRAPPED UP, AND DEMOCRAT
PETER WELCH IS THE WINNER.
( APPLAUSE ) AT 75, AT 75 YEARS OLD, WELCH IS
THE OLDEST PERSON EVER ELECTED TO A FIRST TERM AS U.S. SENATOR.
HOWEVER, AT 75, HE WILL ALSO BE ONE OF THE YOUNGEST MEMBERS OF
THE SENATE.
OVER IN INDIANA, INCUMBENT G.O.P. SENATOR TODD YOUNG HAS
WON REELECTION WITHOUT THE 45th PRESIDENT ENDORSEMENT
MAKING HIM ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL REPUBLICANS TO HAVE
ZERO SUPPORT FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL?
ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE THING.
IN MIDTERMS, THE PRESIDENCY IS NOT ON THE BALLOT TONIGHT, SO
WE'RE PRIMARILY FOCUSED ON CONTROL OF THE HOUSE AND THE
SENATE.
THE REPUBLICANS ONLY NEED A NET GAIN OF ONE SEAT IN THE SENATE
AND FIVE SEATS IN THE HOUSE.
DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, BUT HERE'S WHAT WE DO
KNOW: THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE OUTCOMES TONIGHT.
EITHER THE DEMOCRATS WILL GET MORE VOTES AND KEEP THE
CONGRESS, OR THE DEMOCRATS WILL GET MORE VOTES, LOSE THE
CONGRESS.
THAT'S THE WAY OUR GOVERNMENT WORKS?
( LAUGHTER ) CHANCES LOOK ESPECIALLY GOOD FOR
REPUBLICANS IN THE HOUSE AS 538 GIVES THEM AN 84% CHANCE OF
TAKING CONTROL.
NOW, TO ARRIVE AT THAT REPUBLICAN ADVENTURE, POLLSTERS
ASKED A LOT OF QUESTIONS, BUT THE ONE I LIKED ANSWERED IS,
"HAS ANYONE HEARD OF JANUARY 6?
REMEMBER WHEN THE FOLKS WHO GOT ELECTED TODAY SUPPORTED A
VIOLENT ATTACK ON OUR GOVERNMENT?
DID PEOPLE FORGET THE ZIP TIES, THE SHAMAN WITH THE HORNS, THE
BEATINGUCH OF THE COPS, THE CALLS TO HANG THE VICE
PRESIDENT.
DID I MISS ANYTHING?
>> POO-POO.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, MADAM SPEAKER.
IF THE DEMOCRATS LOSE THE HOUSE NANCY PELOSI WILL BE REPLACE
BIDE KEVIN McCARTHY, A GUY WHO IS ON TAPE AFTER JANUARY 6,
ASKING FOR THE EX-PRESIDENT TO BE REMOVED FROM OFFICE, BUT
INSTEAD, THREE WEEKS LATER, HE REMOVED HIS OWN BALLS AND HAND
DELIVERED THEM TO MAR-A-LAGO.
IF McCARTHY IS ELECTED SPEAKER, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS
ON HIS PARTY'S AGENDA IS REVENGE ON THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE.
THEY PLAN TO SUBPOENA MEMBERS OF THE SELECT COMMITTEE,
PARTICULARLY LIZ CHENEY.
HEY, G.O.P., I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING CONFIDENT, BUT ARE YOU
SURE YOU WANT TO MESS WITH THE CHENEYS?
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU MESS WITH THE LIZ, YOU
MAY AWAKEN THE DICK.
( LAUGHTER ) REMEMBER THE SHOTGUN TO THE
FACE?
THAT'S HOW HE TREATS HIS FRIENDS.
LONG HAS HE SLUMBERED, AND OH, HOW HE HUNGERS.
YOU WON'T HEAR HIM COMING BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A
HEARTBEAT.
( LAUGHTER ) G.O.P. ALSO PLANS TO MOVE--
( APPLAUSE ) ALSO PLANS TO MOVE THIS COUNTRY
FORWARD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BY INVESTIGATING THE FOREIGN BUSINESS DEALS OF HUNTER BIDEN.
I KNEW WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE ELECTED PRESIDENT HUNTER BIDEN
( CLUCKING ) THAT SOUND MEANS WE HAVE AN
UPDATE FROM THE CBS MIDTERMS PROJECTION COOP.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
THERE'S STEVE CLUCKNACKI.
JOINED BY HIS COLLEAGUE, JOHN CHICKEN A LA KING.
WHAT ARE YOU SEEING FELLAS?
OH, NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE MY COLLEAGUES HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT
OFF THE COAST OF OREGON.
A BIT OF A VOTE DUMP, SHALL WE SAY?
JIM, CAN WE GET OUR HEAD STATISTICIAN, ROBIN FEARBURG TO
GO IN THERE AND CLEAN UP THE MAP?
YOU'RE DOING IMPORTANT WORK, ROBERT.
ARE YOU-- ARE YOU ENJOYING WIPING UP CHICKEN POOP WHILE YOU
WAIT FOR THE RESULTS TO COME IN?
>> I USED TO WORK AT CNN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stepen: ONE RACE THAT MIGHT TEST OUR PATIENCE TONIGHT
IS THE PENNSYLVANIA SENATE RACE, WHICH PITS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR
JOHN FETTERMAN, SEEN HERE ABOUT TO SWAT A SATELLITE OUT OF LOWGH
ORBIT AGAINST G.O.P. CANDIDATE AND REALTOR WHO NEVER SAID THERE
WASN'T A MURDER IN THIS HOUSE, DR. MEMET OZ.
NOW, HERE'S THE THING, IN PENNSYLVANIA, THEY'RE NOT
ALLOWED TO PROCESS MAIL-IN BALLOTS BEFORE ELECTION DAY.
SO IT COULD BE SEVERAL DAYS BEFORE WE HAVE RESULTS.
IF NO WINNER HAS BEEN DECLARED BY THE TIME THE NEW SENATE IS
SWORN IN, THE VACANT SEATING THEN BE OCCUPIED BY SENATOR
GRITTY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD-- IS THIS
TRUE-- WE HAVE MORE RESULTS OUT OF THE STATE OF GEORGIA.
JIM, CAN WE GET THE GEORGIA GRAPHIC UP THERE?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT APPEARS TO BE A BUNCH OF
GRUBS AND A WARM NEST OF HAY.
THAT'S NOT THE GRAPHIC I WAS COUNTING ON.
JIM, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE CONTROL ROOM?
JIM ( CLUCKING )
JIM, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OKAY, IT APPEARS THE CHICKENS HAVE SEIZED POWER.
JIM, DON'T PANIC.
I WILL SEND IN AN EXTRACTION TEAM WITH A FRY DADDY AND SOME
BUFFALO SAUCE.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE CBS NEWS ANCHOR JOHN DICKERSON.
AND COMEDIAN MIKE BIRBIGLIA.
WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE ELECTION RESULTS.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
REAL ONES.
ANYTHING ELSE COMING IN?
HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
JOE TAYLOR AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
JOE, I LIKE YOU.
I LIKE YOU OUT FRONT THERE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
>> REALLY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I LIKE THE DRUMS DOWN FRONT LIKE THAT.
THAT'S REALLY NICE.
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING YOUR LIGHT UNDER A BUSHEL.
WE HAVE GREAT GUESTS COMING UP HERE TONIGHT.
DEAR FRIEND, AMAZING POLITICAL ANALYST AND CBS ANCHOR JOHN
DICKERSON WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT'S HAPPENING TONIGHT.
FANTASTIC ANALYSIS.
AND THE FANTASTIC COMEDIAN MIKE BIRBIGLIA IS GOING TO BE OUT
AFTER THAT TONIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M WAITING FOR HIS ANALYSIS.
AND I'M BEING TOLD-- IS THIS TRUE-- WE'VE GOT SOME NEW-- WE
HAVE NEW RESULTS.
THESE JUST CAME IN.
THESE ARE ACTUAL THINGS ON CARDS, SO YOU KNOW THEY'RE REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS-- DO WE GO WITH NEW YORK
FIRST?
DO WE HAVE THE GRAPHICS FOR THAT.
NEW YORK, WE'RE JUST GETTING WORD DEMOCRATIC INCUMBENT CATHY
HOCHUL HAS DEFEATED MAGA CANDIDATE LEE ZELDIN TO REMAIN
GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.
THIS MARKS THE HISTORIC FIRST TIME NEW YORK HAS EVER HAD A
FEMALE GOVERNOR ON PURPOSE.
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT, PENNSYLVANIA.
THIS IS A BIG ONE?
PENNSYLVANIA WE SAW A HEATED MATCH BETWEEN DEMOCRAT JOSH
SHAPIRO AND FAR-RIGHT NUT JOB CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST OMAR DG
MASTRIANO.
TONIGHT, HE'S ONCE AGAIN HONORING CONFEDERATE HISTORY BY
LOSING IN PENNSYLVANIA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
REMEMBER GETTYSBURG!
AND THEN DOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA, THIS WAS EXPECTED, IN NORTH
CAROLINA SENATE RACE WE GOT WORD REPUBLICAN TED BUDD HAS BEATEN
CHERI BEASLEY WHICH IS TOO BAD FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.
ONE WAS I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE HEADLINE, "CHERI
BEASLEY SMOKES BUDD."
THERE'S ALSO EXCITING NEWS-- IS THIS NEW?
WE HAVE THE RESULTS ON THIS?
EXCITING NEWS OUT OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE SENATE RACE, DEMOCRAT
MAGGIE HASAN HAS DEFEATED UL ULTRAMAGA DON BOLDUC.
BOLDUC WAS AN ELECTION DENIER, AND FITTINGLY HIS BIT BID FOR
THE SENATE HAS BEEN DENIED.
WE'RE GETTING RESULTS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA RACE, HENRY McMASTER
DEFEATED CHALLENGER JOE CUNNINGHAM.
CUNNINGHAM BEGAN TO SUSPECT HE MIGHT LOSE WHEN HE FOUND OUT HE
WAS A DEMOCRAT RUNNING IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
WE ALSO HAVE RESULTS FROM THE ARKNSAS GOVERNOR'S RACE, WHICH
HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY SARAH
HUCKABEE SANDERS ( BOO )
BY THAT SOUND I'M GUESSING THAT YOU MIGHT REMEMBER HER FROM HER
HIT COLLECTION, "PODIUM LIES, MORE PODIUM LIES, AND NOW THAT'S
WHAT I CALL PODIUM LIES."
THE COLORADO GOVERNOR'S RACE GOES TO INCUMBENT JARED POLIS,
WHO EARLIER THIS YEAR, EARLIER THIS YEAR, SIGNED AN EXCLUSIVE
ORDER PROTECTING MARIJUANA USERS' RIGHTS.
SO HIS VICTORY WAS SECURED DUE TO HIGH VOTER TURNOUT
( RIM SHOT ) THANK YOU, JOE.
IT HITS HARDER THE CLOSER YOU GET.
STAYING IN COLORADO, I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT DEMOCRAT MICHAEL
BENNET HAS SECURED AN EASY VICTORY.
THIS IS SEEN AS AN EARLY BELLWETHER FOR DEMOCRATS.
AND I'M HAPPY FOR MICHAEL BENNET.
MY ONLY REGRET IS HE IS NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH TO WRITE A
JOKE ABOUT.
AND WE'VE HAD HIM ON THIS SHOW.
AND I REMEMBER NOTHING.
AND I JUST SHOWED HIS PHOTO, AND I'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN HIS FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) CONGRATULATIONS.
WE HAVE-- WE HAVE SOME RESULTS-- IS THIS MARYLAND?
WE HAVE RESULTS FROM THE MARYLAND GOVERNOR'S RACE WHERE
DEMOCRAT WES MOORE HAS DEFEATED DAN COX, MAKING MOORE THE FIRST
BLACK GOVERNOR OF MARYLAND.
( APPLAUSE ) WES MOORE, PREVIOUSLY BEST KNOWN
AS THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK "THE OTHER WES MOORE," HE NOW MOVES
TO THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION.
CONGRATULATIONS TO WES MOORE.
OR THE OTHER WES MOORE.
IT'S TOO EARLY TO TELL.
APPARENTLY, VOTERS DID NOT RESPOND TO HIS OPPONENT DAN
COX'S CHESAPEAKE BAY SEAFOOD CAMPAIGN EVENT-- "COX HAS
CRABS."
OUT-- OUT IN SOUTH DAKOTA, GOVERNORS RACE HAS BEEN CALLED
FOR REPUBLICAN INCUMBENT KRISTI NOME.
THE RESULT IS NO SURPRISE, THEY'RE KNOWN FOR THREE THINGS,
BEING A RED STATE, MOUNT RUSHMORE AND ONLY BEING FAMOUS
FOR THOSE FIRST TWO THINGS.
OUT IN ILLINOIS, WE'RE GETTING NEWS THAT THERE WILL BE A SECOND
TERM FOR DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR J.B. PRITZKER.
( APPLAUSE ) PRITZ KERR ALSO CONTINUES TO BE
THE POLITICIAN WHOSE NAME MOST SOUNDS LIKE A WINE COOLER.
BARTENDER I'LL TAKE A J.B.
PRITZKER WITH JUST A LITTLE EXTRA PRITZ.
ON THE WEST COAST THE POLLS HAVE BARELY CLOSED AND GAVIN NEWSOME
HAS WON REELECTION.
( APPLAUSE ).
NEWSOME'S ULTIMATE VICTORY IS LIKELY TO BE A LANDSLIDE, WHICH
SINCE THIS IS CALIFORNIA WILL BE FOLLOWED BY AN EARTHQUAKE AND
WILDFIRE.
ALASKA HASN'T EVEN CLOSED YET, BUT BECAUSE I LIKE THIS JOKE,
I'M GOING TO SAY LISA MURKOWSKI HAS BEAT SHELLEY CHIBAKA.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE HER CONCESSION SPEECH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CBS NEWS ANCHOR, JOHN DICKERSON.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
I HAVE ONE MORE RESULT HERE.
THIS IS CONNECTICUT.
IN THE RACE FOR CONNECTICUT GOVERNOR INCUMBENT DEMOCRAT NED
LAMONT HAS DEFEATED REPUBLICAN ROBERT STEFANOWSKI.
ALTHOUGH THE RACE IS STILL A COMPLETE TOSS-UP WHEN IT COMES
TO GUESSING WHICH ONE IS WHICH.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, A MAN WHO WILL KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT,
MY FIRST GUEST IS CBS NEWS' CHIEF POLITICAL ANALYST, AND
ANCHOR OF "CBS NEWS PRIME TIME WITH JOHN DICKERSON."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN DICKERSON.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) HELLO, JOHN!
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU'VE SEEN ALL THE BREAKING-- BREAKING
RACES WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.
IS THERE SOMETHING-- BEFORE WE START, IS THERE SOMETHING YOU
CAN BREAK RIGHT NOW.
>> OUR PRODUCER SENT ME ARIZONA CBS IDENTIFIES ARIZONA GOVERNOR
AND SENATE, BOTH AS LEAN DEMOCRAT AT THIS MOMENT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OKAY.
>> SO THAT'S BEFORE-- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUST A
PROGNOSTICATION, BUT, OF COURSING, THOSE, YOU KNOW, THE
ARIZONA SENATE RACE IS ONE DEMOCRATS CENTER TO HOLD IF THEY
WANT TO STAY IN THE CONTROL OF THE SENATE.
AND OBVIOUSLY IN IN ARIZONA, YOU HAVE KARI LAKE ON THE REPUBLICAN
SIDE WHO IS A THOROUGH ELECTION DENIER.
>> Stephen: AND HAS SAID SHE WILL ACCEPT THE RESULTS IF SHE
WINS.
>> RIGHT.
AND YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTION TENIER, FINCHAM, RUNNING FOR
STOS, WHO SAID A VERSION OF THE SAME THING.
AND BLAKE MASTERS HAS DENIED AND TRIED TO MODERATE, AS HE HAS ON
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT POSITIONS.
THAT'S WHERE THAT'S GOING AND IT'S BEEN KIND OF IN KEEPING
WITH THE NIGHT WHICH IS IT'S NOT THE OVERWHELM AGO IF SOMETHING'S
LEADING DEM, THAT MEANS IT'S GOING IN THE DEMOCRATIC
DIRECTION, AND THAT'S KIND OF WHERE THE NIGHT HAS BEEN GOING,
RELATIVE TO PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR COMING OVER.
I KNOW THAT WE BORROWED YOU FROM CBS NEWS MIDTERM COVERAGE, AND I
DON'T WANT TO BE LATE HERE.
I'M GOING TO STUFF YOU BACK IN THE PNEUMATIC TUBE AND SEND YOU
BACK BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD THE LATE FEES.
WE MAY NOT KNOW-- WE HAVE SCLODDINGER'S ELECTION HERE SO
FAR.
WE DON'T KNOW ALL THE RESULTS.
WHAT IS VALUABLE FOR US TO KNOW SO FAR?
AND HOW IS TONIGHT COMPARING TO THE EXPECTATIONS THAT WERE BEING
BUILT IN POLLING AND REPORTING AND LET'S SAY ON 538 THAT PEOPLE
REFRESH ON A MINUTE-BY-MINUTE BASIS LEADING UP TO ELECTIONS
LIKE THIS?
IS IT OVERTURNING THESE EXPECTATIONS?
>> YES, BUT A LOT OF THINGS-- LIKE 538 AND A LOT OF POLLING
WOULD HAVE SAID HERE'S WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN, BUT IT'S WITHIN A
RANGE.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> AND WE'LL KNOW BY THE END OF THE NIGHT WHETHER WE'RE EVEN
WITHIN THE RANGE.
I THINK AT THE MOMENT, WE'RE STILL-- AT THE MOMENT THINGS ARE
NOT TURNING OUT THE WAY REPUBLICANS THOUGHT.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE RACES THEY HAD HOPED-- THEY HAD SORT OF
THREE SCENARIOS AND THEY'RE REFLECTED IN THREE RACES IN
VIRGINIA.
THEY'RE BASICALLY-- KEVIN McCARTHY WAS IN THE TENTH
DISTRICT YESTERDAY.
IN OTHER WORDS, THAT'S A DEEP BLUE AREA.
JOE BIDEN WON THAT WITH 58% OF THE VOTE.
TERRY McAULIFFE WON IT WITH 5% OF THE VOTE.
IF YOU SPEND TIME THERE, YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO WIN IN
DEEP BLUE TERRITORIES.
THEY DIDN'T WIN IN THE TENTH OR FIFTH. WITH
THE REPUBLICANS PICKED UP ONE SEAT OF THE THREE THEY THOUGHT
THEY WERE GOING TO GET.
EXPECTATIONS, THEY'RE UNDERPERFORMING RELATIVE TO
THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY WON'T STILL TAKE CONTROL OF THE HOUSE.
AT THE MOMENT THEY HAVE ENOUGH SEATS THEY WON THAT THEY FLIPPED
THEY WILL TAKE CONTROL OF THE HOUSE.
AND THE KEY QUESTION IS WHAT KIND OF HOUSE ARE YOU IN CONTROL
OF?
IS THERE THEY ONLY HAVE TO PICK UP FIVE TO BECOME THE NEXT
SPEAKER.
IT'S A FAIT ACCOMPLI HE WILL BE THE SPEAKER?
>> IF YOU ONLY PICK UP SIX, EVERY MAN OR WOMAN IS A KING
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUCH SMALL MARGINS, EVERYBODY CAN SAY, WELL
YOU CAN'T REALLY AFFORD LOSE MY VOTE.
WHEN YOU WIN A SPEAKERSHIP YOU WANT TO HAVE A BIG MARGIN SO YOU
CAN ALLOW PEOPLE TO BE KIND OF CRAZY AND OVER THERE.
THINK ABOUT WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE TO BE A REPUBLICAN SPEAKER.
NEWT GINGRICH BECAME SPEAKER AND WAS ULTIMATELY PUSHED OUT AND HE
SAID THE ULTRACONSERVATIVE MEMBERS WERE CANNIBALS.
AND JOHN BOEHNER CALLED THEM POLITICAL TERRORISTS.
SO McCARTHY MAY VERY WELL BE SPEAKER, BUT HE MAY HAVE A VERY
RESTIVE CAUCUS THAT MAKES HIS LIFE VERY DIFFICULT AND WITH A
SMALL MARGIN, THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE DIFFICULT.
>> Stephen: ONE THING I HAVE HEARD YOU TALK ABOUT IS THERE'S
VERY LITTLE SPLIT-TICKET VOTING ANYMORE.
BUT YOU'RE SEEING SOME OF IT THIS TIME AROUND.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHERE ARE WE SEEING SOME EVIDENCE OF THAT.
>> IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.
GOVERNOR SUNUNU, THE REPUBLICAN, WAS REELECTED BY A WIDE MARGIN.
BUT BOLDUC, THE REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATE, WAS BEATEN
RATHER HANDILY, BY MAGGIE HASSAN, THE DEMOCRAT.
THERE YOU HAD VOTERS WHO WERE VOTING FOR THE DEMOCRAT FOR
SENATE, BUT VOTING FOR THE REPUBLICAN FOR GOVERNOR.
OR THEY WERE VOTING FOR THE REPUBLICAN FOR GOVERNOR AND THEN
JUST LEAVING THE VOTING BOOTH.
IN GEORGIA, THOUGH IT HASN'T BEEN CALLED YET, BRIAN KEMP WON
HANDILY, BY I THINK TWO MILLION VOTES.
HERSCHEL WALKER IS AT ABOUT 179.
WHICH MEANS 200,000 VOTERS IN GEORGIA, REPUBLICANS, EITHER
VOTE FORWARD KEMP-WARNOCK, REPUBLICAN-DEMOCRAT, OR JUST
KEMP AND LEFT TOWN, OR LEFT THE VOTING BOOTH.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU CAME OUT HERE, WHERE DID THAT RACE STAND?
WHEN I CAME OUT HERE TO START THE SHOW, IT WAS FOUR-TENSION OF
1% WITH NEITHER CANDIDATE HAVING 50%.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
NEITHER HAS 50%.
AND THEY MAY NOT.
CHASE OLIVER, THE THIRD PERSON RUNNING, WHO HAS 2% OF THE VOTE,
MAY MAKE THIS A RUNOFF.
IF IT'S A RUNOFF, DECEMBER 6 WILL BE ANOTHER ELECTION.
>> Stephen: JUST LIKE LAST TIME.
YES.
WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF WE GET TO BASICALLY THE REPUBLICANS AND
DEMOCRATS GET WHAT THEY NEED, BASICALLY ENTIRE CONTROL OF THE
SENATE COULD COME DOWN TO GEORGIA, THE ENTIRE POLITICAL
WORLD BETWEEN NOW AND DECEMBER 6 COULD MOVE TO GEORGIA AND THAT
RACE BETWEEN JUST WARNOCK AND WALKER COULD BE WHAT IT ALL
COMES DOWN TO FOR CONTROL OF THE SENATE.
AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL GO BONJERS.
>> Stephen: WELL, ON THAT BONKERS NOTE, WE'RE GOING TO
TAKE A PAUSE HERE, TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK, AND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JOHN DICKERSON, EVERYBODY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CBS NEWS' OWN, JOHN DICKERSON.
ALL RIGHT, JOHN, BEFORE WE LEFT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE
BALANCE OF THE SENATE, AMONG OTHER THINGS.
AND BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE, IT WAS STILL UNKNOWN WHAT'S GOING
ON IN PENNSYLVANIA AND GEORGIA AND NEVADA, WHICH WERE THE THREE
STATES LEFT LIKELY TO FLIP IN EITHER DIRECTION.
WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT GEORGIA YET, THOUGH IT'S VERY TIGHT.
WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ON NEVADA.
I UNDERSTAND THERE'S A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION ON
PENNSYLVANIA.
>> YES, BO ERICSON SAYS CBS SAYS PENNSYLVANIA SENATE IS NOW LEAN
DEM.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO WHY CAN THEY--
WHY CAN THEY MAKE THAT SUGGESTION, SHALL WE SAY?
>> BECAUSE OUR ELECTIONING DIRECTOR, ANTHONY SAL VATO, SAID
FETTERMAN IS LOOKING GOOD BECAUSE THE OUTSTANDING VOTE IS
BASICALLY IN PHILLY AND PITTSBURGH.
IF YOU THINK OF PENNSYLVANIA -- >> Stephen: AND PITTSBURGH
IS-- >> DEMOCRATIC VOTES ARE ON THE
PHILLY AND PITTSBURGH, DEPENDING WHERE YOU'RE SITTING AND THE
MIDDLE IS WHERE THE REPUBLICANS GET THEIR VOTE.
THE OUTSTANDING VOTE IS FETTERMAN'S, AND BASICALLY OZ
WOULD HAVE TO WIN 52% OF WHAT'S LEFT.
GIVEN THE WAY THIS RACE IS, THAT'S A HARDER HILL FOR HIM TO
CLIMB.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SAYING LEANING DEM, NOT TOTALLY THERE,
BUT.
>> Stephen: I GOT TWO QUESTIONS THAT ARE SORT OF
RELATED TO EACH OTHER, AND IT HAS TO DO WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF
REPUBLICANS MOSTLY, 65% OF REPUBLICANS BELIEVE THAT THERE
WAS SHENANIGANS IN THE LAST ELECTION.
AND THAT WAS ALL, OF COURSING, LED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT
GOING OUT THERE AND SAYING THIS WAS ALL ROBBED.
WE WERE WINNING.
WE DID WIN.
AT THE TIME, BACK IN 2020, YOU PUT IT VERY WELL.
YOU SAID, "BY DOING THIS AND BY REPUBLICANS NOT STANDING UP TO
THAT ACCUSATION, THAT THEY ARE BURNING THE DEMOCRATIC FURNITURE
AND THAT THERE WILL BE A PRICE TO PAY.
ARE WE SEEING ANY OF THAT PRICE REFLECTED IN THIS YEAR'S
CAMPAIGN AND IN ANY OF THESE RESULTS SO FAR?
>> WELL, CONGRESSWOMAN IN THE SECOND DISTRICT OF VIRGINIA
LOST.
SHE'S ON THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE.
AND YOU HAVE OF COURSE, CHENEY AND KINZINGER WHO WERE BASICALLY
PUSHED OUT OF POLITICS.
I THINK OF THE TRUMP 10, EIGHT OF THEM ARE NO LONGER RETURNS--
10 VOTE ARE FOR TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT, EIGHT ARE NOT
COMING BACK.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IN TERMS OF MOATOVATION AND TURNOUT, THAT
MAY BE ONE OF THE THINGS WE FIND.
OUR EXIT POLLING, INFLATION AND ABORTION ARE TOP OF MIND.
THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT DEMOCRACY, THOUGH, IT'S INTERESTING, HALF
OF THEM ARE DEMOCRATS SAYING WE'RE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT
REPUBLICAN ELECTION DENIERS.
THE OTHER HALF ARE REPUBLICAN ELECTION DENIERS SAYING VOTER
FRAUD AND A VARIETY OF OTHER THINGS.
WHEN YOU HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "DEMOCRACY IS ON THE BALLOT,"
FOR A LOT OF REPUBLICAN VOTERS THAT MEANS SOMETHING VERY
DIFFERENT.
IT'S NOT JUST A MESSAGE TO DEMOCRATS AND THAT'S SOMETHING
THAT'S BEEN INTERESTING IN THIS ELECTION.
>> Stephen: THE TOP, SO FAR--UBI LAST TIME IN 2020 WAS CHRIS
KREBS, HORATIO TO THE BRIDGE SAYING TO THE ADMINISTRATION,
NO, THERE WASN'T OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE WITH THIS ELECTION.
YOU REALLY DID LOSE.
IT WAS A VERY SECURE ELECTION.
THIS TIME AROUND YOU HAVE OTHER TOP ELECTION SECURITY EXPERTS
SAYING WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN ANY EITHER FOREIGN OR DOMESTIC
SHENANIGANS WITH OUR ELECTIONS.
YET, 65% OF REPUBLICANS, AS I SAID, BELIEVE THAT THERE WERE
SOME-- DIDN'T BELIEVE IN THE RESULTS.
HOW DO YOU, AS YOU REPORT THIS, THESE RESULTS, "A," DO YOU KEEP
THAT STAT IN MIND AS YOU TALK ABOUT IT?
AND WHAT DO YOU DO TO TRY TO-- I DON'T KNOW-- ELIST SOME TRUST IN
THE INFORMATION YOU'RE GETTING AND TRANSMITTING?
>> BEFORE I GET TO THAT, I DO WANT TO STEP BACK FOR A SECOND.
THAT'S THE EXTRAORDINARY THING ABOUT THIS ELECTION.
SO FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS, WHENEVER A PRESIDENT'S PARTY HAS
CONTROLLED BOTH THE HOUSE AND THE SENATE AND THEY'VE GONE INTO
THE MIDTERMS, THEY'VE LOST ONE OF THOSE TWO.
THE SENATE FLIPPED CONTROL SEVEN TIMES, THE HOUSE FOUR TIMES.
THAT'S OKAY.
GOOD PARTISANSHIP MAY BRING OUT THE BEST IDEAS BUT WE DON'T HAVE
GOOD PARTISANSHIP.
WE HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO WIN TONIGHT, 150 HAVE ALREADY
WON WHO ARE LYING ABOUT THE LAST ELECTION.
AND THAT IS POISON THAT YOU'RE POURING INTO AN-- INTO THE
AMERICAN SYSTEM.
BECAUSE WE GIVE PEOPLE POWER BECAUSE WE HAVE FAITH IN THE
ELECTIONS.
SO ELECTIONS CAN REFRESH DEMOCRACY.
BUT YOU CAN'T REFRESH DEMOCRACY IF YOU'VE BEEN POURING POISON
INTO IT.
AND THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS ELECTION, REGARDLESS OF WHO
TAKES CONTROL.
HOW DO WE DEAL WITH THIS?
WELL, WE TRY TO BE SUPER TRANSPARENT ABOUT, AND WE ALSO
HAVE SOMETHING CALLED "THE DEMOCRACY DESK."
DAVID BECKER, WHO IS AN ELECTION LAW EXPERT, IS THERE AND CAN
SAY, "HERE'S THE LAW IN PENNSYLVANIA.
HERE'S WHAT CURING A BALLOT MEANS WHEN YOU HEAR THIS WORD.
HERE'S THE TERMINOLOGY.
DON'T BE CONFUSED BY IT.
THERE'S A LONG TRADITION OF ELECTION LAW AND PROCEDURE."
WHICH ACTUALLY WORKED QUITE WELL IN 2021, REGARDLESS OF WHAT
THOSE WHO ARE LYING ABOUT IT SAY T, WHOD REALLY WELL, AND IT
APPEARS SO FAR TONIGHT IT'S WORKING WELL.
WE HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE EXPLAINING PATIENTLY HOW THE
PROCESS WORKS SO THAT PEOPLE WON'T THING THERE'S ANY
SHENANIGANS BECAUSE WHEN THERE ISN'T INFORMATION, THOSE WHO
HAVE ILL INTENT RUSH IN AND OFFER, YOU KNOW, SOME CRAZY
THEORY.
AND ONCE THE, YOU KNOW, A LIE GETS-- A LIE CAN GET HALFWAY
AROUND THE WORLD BEFORE THE TRUTH CAN GET ITS BOOTS ON.
>> Stephen: JOHN, THANK YOU FOR COMING OVER HERE AND GIVING
US YOUR INFORMATION.
GOOD LUCK GETTING BACK THERE.
DON'T GET NORAH MAD AT ME.
"CBS NEWS PRIME TIME WITH JOHN DICKERSON" STREAMS MONDAY
THROUGH THURSDAY, AND YOU CAN FIND MORE OF JOHN'S REPORTING
TONIGHT AFTER OUR SHOW ON CBS' LIVE MIDTERM COVERAGE.
JOHN DICKERSON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
DO WE HAVE ANYTHING?
NO NEW RESULTS?
OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHOSE NEW ONE-MAN SHOW, "THE OLD
MAN & THE POOL," OPENS THIS SUNDAY ON BROADWAY.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK "TO THE LATE SHOW," MIKE BIRBIGLIA!
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> HEY!
HEY!
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HERE FOR A LIVE SHOW?
>> NO!
THIS IS SO COOL.
>> Stephen: A LIVE AUDIENCE IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
>> THIS IS SUPER COOL.
>> Stephen: NOW, OBVIOUSLY, MIDTERMS ARE TODAY, SO I NEED TO
ASK YOU THE BIG QUESTION ON ALL THE VOTERS' MINDS: HOW DID YOU
END UP IN A TAYLOR SWIFT VIDEO?
YOU'RE IN TAYLOR SWIFT'S MUSIC VIDEO-- IT'S THE ONE QUESTION I
HAVEN'T HEARD ANSWERED TONIGHT.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN A TAYLOR-- I DON'T ASSOCIATE YOU WITH
TAY-TAY.
>> IT'S, YOU KNOW, I'M IN THE ANTIHERO VIDEO, WHICH IS-- IT
WAS A FLUKY THING.
IT WAS A FRIEND OF OURS, MUTUAL FRIEND OF ME AND TAYLOR, IS JACK
ANTONOFF.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW JACK?
>> I HAVE KNOWN HIM FOR MANY YEARS.
WE MET AT A MUSIC FESTIVAL ABOUT 15 YEARS AGO.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU.
THERE YOU ARE.
>> IT JUST SO HAPPENED SHE WAS WRITING --
>> Stephen: THERE YOU ARE.
>> SHE WAS WRITING THE MUSIC VIDEO THE DAY THAT WE HAPPENED
TO MEET,s AND WE WERE HAVING PIZZA WITH JACK, AND A BUNCH OF
FOLKS.E.
>> AND THEN SHE THOUGHT OH, YOU--
APPARENTLY, IN HER MIND, SHE THOUGHT THIS IS THE DISTONIC
VERSION, THE MIERM VERSION OF WHAT MY SON WOULD BE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S MY DREAM COME TRUE.
THAT ENDED UP BEING MY DREAM COME TRUE.
I GOT A TEXT FROM HER-- I DON'T KNOW, A AMONG OR TWO LATER.
>> Stephen: YOU GOT A TEXT FROM HER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO YOU HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER.
>> SURE.
OR A BURNER.
OR A BURNER OF SOME KIND.
I DON'T HAVE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU COULD TEXT HER.
>> I THOUGHT MAYBE I WAS JUST BEING CATFISHED.
IT'S JUST A NUMBER.
>> Stephen: DID SHE SAY, "HEY, THIS IS TAYLOR SWIFT?"
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I WOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT, EITHER.
>> I THOUGHT IT IS TAYLOR SWIFT OR SOMEONE CATFISHING ME WHO IS
AN EXCELLENT WRITER.
SHE SENT THE SCRIPT TO THE VIDEO THAT'S WONDERFUL AND VERY FUNNY.
AND I THOUGHT THIS IS FANTASTIC.
EITHER WAY, IT'S SORT OF A WIN-WIN.
I GO, COUNT ME IN, EITHER TAYLOR SWIFT OR CATFISH PERSON.
AND WE SHOT THE VIDEO, AND I THINK IT'S A RIOT, AND IT'S
SUPER COOL, JUST A LITTLE-- TO BE A LITTLE PARENT OF A BIG
SUPER THING.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU'VE GOT A NEW SHOW HERE.
IT'S A NEW ONE-MAN SHOW CALLED "THE OLD MAN & THE POOL."
IT OPENS THIS SUNDAY.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> THANK YOU!
OH, MY GOD!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: AT THE VIVIAN BEAUMONT THEATER UP HERE IN
LINCOLN CENTER.
OBVIOUSLY, ONE MORE SHOT OF THIS, JIM, RIGHT HERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S-- YOU KNOW,.
>> MY WIFE TOOK THAT PHOTO MY WIFE, JENNY, TOOK THAT PHOTO.
YEAH, FOR REAL.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SELLING IT WITH SEX.
SO WHAT'S THE SHOW ABOUT?
>> WELL, YEAH, I'M NEITHER THE OLD MAN NEAR THE POOL.
I'M-- IT'S ABOUT MORTALITY.
IT'S ABOUT DEATH AND THINKING ABOUT MY OWN DEATH, AND
BASICALLY, IT'S 80 MINUTES OF JOKES AND LAUGHTER AND STORIES
ABOUT STRUGGLES WITH MY OWN HEALTH THAT ULTIMATELY TRIES TO
MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AS HARD AS THEY CAN.
AND I'VE HEAD REALLY COOL PERFORMING EXPERIENCE WITH
TBECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE MESSAGED ME ON INSTAGRAM AND
SAID, "I CALLED MY PARENTS AFTER I LEFT.
I TOLD THEM I LOVED THEM."
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
>> IT'S AMAZING.
AND IT'S BEEN-- I WAS DOING IT IN LOS ANGELES, AND A WOMAN
AFTER THE SHOW SAID, "I FELT LIKE-- A FEW YEARS AGO I LOST A
BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY, AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY DAD, AND
TONIGHT I FELT LIKE I WAS LAUGHING WITH MY DAD."
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
>> EVERY NIGHT WHEN I DO THE SHOW VIVIAN BEAUMONT, I THINK OF
THAT PERSON IN LOS ANGELES.
THAT'S WHO IT'S FOR.
>> Stephen: THINKING ABOUT YOUR MORTALITY, AND WHEN YOU
THINK ABOUT YOUR MORTALITY, I SUPPOSE YOU THINK ABOUT
EVERYBODY'S MORTALITY.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: FOR ME THE WAY THE WHOLE THING IS SET UP, LIFE, THE
WAY LIFE IS SET UP.
DOES IT EVER SEEM LIKE A STUPID WAY TO SET THINGS UP FOR YOU
DEATH SEEMS LIKE A STUPID WAY TO END LIFE.
>> I THINK ABOUT THAT ALL THE TIME.
IT'S ALL ABSURD AND THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL WITH IT IS WITH JOKES IN
A CERTAIN SENSE.
THAT'S PART OF THE REASON I WROTE THE SHOW.
AND I FEEL LIKE-- I FEEL LIKE-- ONE OF YOUR EXCUSERS WAS SAYING
THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE THIS SHOW SOMETIMES IS THAT YOU'RE NOT
PUTTING THE SHOW ON FOR THESE PEOPLE.
YOU'RE PUTTING ITING ON WITH THEM.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> AND THAT'S WHAT MY SHOW IS LIKE IN A WAY.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE IS SOME AUDIENCE
INTERACTION, AND THE GOAL IS THAT EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE, OKAY,
WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER, AND WE'RE ALL GOING
THROUGH THIS VERY ABSURD THING AT THE SAME TIME.
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE PEOPLE AT YOUR SHOW RECENTLY WAS TOM
HANKS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND, YOU KNOW, HE'S TOM HANKS.
>> I KNOW!
ROYALTY.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW HE WAS THERE WHEN YOU WERE
PERFORMING?
>> I DID.
HE AND I WERE IN THIS MOVIE CALLED "THE MAN NAMED OTTO" THAT
COMES OUT IN CHRISTMAS THAT IS SO GOOD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
WHAT'S THAT LIKE TO PERFORM WITH HIM?
>> MAN, IT WAS COOL, BUT ALSO SCARY.
YOU KNOW THE PHRASE, "AN ACTOR'S NIGHTMARE."
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR LINES, YOU'RE LATE,
YOU MISS YOUR CUE.
>> I HAD THAT, BUT IT WAS-- IT WAS WITH TOM HANKS.
LIKE, I WAS ON THE SET OF THIS MOVIE, AND IT WAS LIKE THIS
FIRST SHOT OF ME IN THE MOVIE, AND THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU NEED TO
DRIVE THE CAR AROUND THIS CORNER AND COME UP AND THE CRANE WILL
COME IN HERE AND THEN TOM HANKS IS GOING TO COME TO YOUR WINDOW
AND HE'S GOING TO SAY BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, AND YOU'RE GOING TO
SAY BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."
I DID IT AND I DROVE AROUND THE CORNER AND OPENED THE WINDOW AND
THERE IS TOM HANKS AND I BLANKED SKY HIGH, NOTHING, LITERALLY
NOTHING!
IT WAS SO FUNNY BECAUSE OF COURSE HERE'S THIS GUY, WHO I
IDOLIZED.
I GREW UP WITH AN "APOLLO 13" POST OR MY WALL.
I'M LIKE THIS IS THE NIGHTMARE, THE ACTUAL NIGHTMARE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID TO ME?
HE DID THE THING THAT SOMETIMES ACTORS DO TO BE GENEROUS.
HE GOES LIKE-- HE TRIED TO FEED ME MY LINES.
HE GOES, LIKE, "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?"
"DO YOU THINK I SHOULD MOVE FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD?"
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, NO.
OH, NO!
HE TREATED YOU LIKE A SLOW CHILD.
>> YES.
AND THEN, AND THEN, THEN HE-- BUT IT WAS A WONDERFUL
EXPERIENCE.
LIKE, THE MOVIE IS AMAZING.
AND HE CAME TO THE SHOW THE OTHER NIGHT.
AND I HAD THIS IDEA FOR A TIKTOK BECAUSE EVERY DAY I WOULD SHOW
UP TO THE SET, AND HE WOULD DO JOKES FROM MY SPECIALS TO ME.
LIKE, I HAVE A BIT ABOUT SOMEONE THINKING THAT I'M SOMEONE'S
BROTHER, AND SO HE WOULD GO, "YOU'RE JOEY BAG OF DONUTS'
BROTHER."
AND HE WOULD DO THE BIT FOR ME.
AND I WAS LIKE, "MY LIFE IS SO SURREAL, TOM HANKS IS DOING MY
BIT FOR ME."
I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A FUNNY TIKTOK.
I CAN'T SAY THAT TO THIS OSCAR, AWARD WINNING-- I CAN'T DO IT ON
THE SET OF HIS MOVIE.
BUT I CAN DO IT BACKSTAGE AT MY SHOW.
SO I DID IT.
I ASKED HIM THE OTHER NIGHT.
AND THEN WE DID IT.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO RUN HERE BECAUSE IT'S A LIVE SHOW.
IT WAS WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU, MIKE BIRBIGLIA.
"THE OLD MAN & THE POOL" IS AT THE VIVIAN BEAUMONT THEATER
THROUGH JANUARY 15.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
FOR SOME OF YOU, CBS NEWS CONTINUING COVERAGE OF THE
MIDTERMS IS UP NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT!