1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,437 >> FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP AT 10 AND 9 P.M. EASTERN TUESDAY NIGHT 2 00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:08,241 FROM MAR-A-LAGO TO ANNOUNCE HE'S RUNNING FOR A THIRD TERM FOR THE 3 00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:09,976 PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES. 4 00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:13,213 >> IT COMES DESPITE MANY REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS URGING 5 00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:14,848 TRUMP TO HOLD OFF. 6 00:00:14,914 --> 00:00:17,917 >> HE'S AN AGING PICTURE WHO KEEPS MOVING GAMES. 7 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,919 IT WOULD BE A BAD MISTAKE. 8 00:00:19,986 --> 00:00:22,956 DESANTIS IS THE LEADER OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. 9 00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:26,726 2020 DIDN'T WORK OUT, WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD. 10 00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:29,129 >> AND NOW THE ANNOUNCEMENT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD HAVE MADE 11 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:32,031 IF HE COULD TAKE A DAMN HINT. 12 00:00:32,098 --> 00:00:37,604 >> WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE TONIGHT. 13 00:00:37,670 --> 00:00:38,838 >> I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT. 14 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:43,443 >> I'M RUNNING AWAY FOR EVER AND I'M NEVER GOING TO COME BACK. 15 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,078 >> IS IT HARD TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY. 16 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,880 >> I WILL BE IMMEDIATELY BE FORGOTTEN. 17 00:00:46,946 --> 00:00:48,948 NOBODY WILL COME TO MY FUNERAL. 18 00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:53,486 >> I THINK I WILL TELL MY SON ERIC THAT I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED. 19 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:54,888 BY SPACE BORINGS. 20 00:00:54,954 --> 00:00:59,993 >> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A NO GOOD, ROTTEN, DISGUSTING EMBARRASSMENT 21 00:01:00,059 --> 00:01:01,261 TO OUR GREAT COUNTRY. 22 00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:04,330 >> SO IN CONCLUSION BYE BYE. 23 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:10,437 BINGE BONG AND GOD BLESS UNITED-- . 24 00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:17,243 >> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 25 00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:22,782 TONIGHT, LATE NEWS PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES JON STEWART! 26 00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:28,321 AND MUSICAL GUESTS LCD SOUNDSYSTEM. 27 00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:31,791 FEATURING LEWIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW-- LOUIS CATO AND THE 28 00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:32,992 LATE SHOW BAND. 29 00:01:33,059 --> 00:01:37,030 AND NOW LIVE LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW 30 00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:42,669 YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT. 31 00:01:42,735 --> 00:01:43,336 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). 32 00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:45,405 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 33 00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:00,019 THANK YOU. 34 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:06,759 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 35 00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:12,332 THANK YOU, FOLKS, PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. 36 00:02:12,398 --> 00:02:13,933 SIT DOWN, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. 37 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,034 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 38 00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:17,537 DOWN HERE, UP THERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD. 39 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:18,571 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 40 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:22,942 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 41 00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:25,712 FIRST OFF, FIRST OFFER, CONGRATULATIONS, EVERYBODY! 42 00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:26,646 YOU DID IT! 43 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:36,122 YOU MADE HISTORY JUST BY BEING ALIVE! 44 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:41,394 TORCHTS THE WORLD'S POPULATION HIT $8 BILLION PEOPLE AND YES, 45 00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:43,963 YES, AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WILL BE AT YOUR AIRPORT 46 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:52,939 GATE THE DAY BEFORE THANKS GIVING. 47 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:58,077 NOT EVERYONE IN ZONE ONE. 48 00:02:58,144 --> 00:03:00,113 THIS IS ALL THANKS TO HUMANITY SPENDING THE PAST DECADE 49 00:03:00,179 --> 00:03:01,614 BUCKLING DOWN, UNBUCKLING THEIR BELTS, AND MAKING BABIES, 50 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,551 BECAUSE A BILLION PEOPLE WERE ADDED TO THE WORLD POPULATION IN 51 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:05,785 JUST THE LAST 12 YEARS. 52 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,487 TO WHICH YOUR PARENTS SAID, "AND SOMEHOW, NOT ONE OF THEM IS MY 53 00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:14,460 GRANDCHILD. 54 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:24,003 IT MUST B SO NICE FOR THOSE THAT IS OKAY, I UNDERSTAND, I'M 55 00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:29,542 SURE A PCD IS VERY NICE. 56 00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:32,111 SPEAKING OF NUMBERS, ELECTION RESULTS ARE STILL COMING IN, AND 57 00:03:32,178 --> 00:03:42,255 LAST NIGHT, WE GOT A HUGE ONE IN THE ARIZONA GOVERNOR'S RACE 58 00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:44,557 BETWEEN DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE AND PROFESSOR GENTLY LETTING YOU 59 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:46,192 KNOW YOU'RE WASTING HER OFFICE HOURS, KATIE HOBBS... 60 00:03:46,259 --> 00:03:54,167 AND MAGA CANDIDATE, ELECTION DENIER, AND UNHOLY OFFSPRING OF 61 00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:55,735 HUMAN AND INSTAGRAM FILTER... 62 00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:58,004 KARI LAKE. 63 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:01,107 AFTER ALMOST A WEEK OF COUNTING VOTES, WE FINALLY GOT WORD THAT 64 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:07,513 HOBBS HAS DEFEATED LAKE! 65 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:11,517 THERE YOU GO, VERY NICE, NICE WAY TO START THE DAY. 66 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,086 AND THIS SITUATION IS WIN-WIN. 67 00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:17,023 BECAUSE HOBBS WON, AND KARI LAKE IS GOING TO CLAIM SHE DID. 68 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:20,460 HERE'S LAKE JUST BEFORE THE RACE IN QUESTION WAS CALLED, CALLING 69 00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:21,661 THE RACE INTO QUESTION. 70 00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:25,932 >> I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA WOULD VOTE FOR 71 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,133 HER, AND THAT SHE WOULD WIN. 72 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,535 BUT, IF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE DAY, HOW DO YOU 73 00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:31,904 CERTIFY AN ELECTION THAT'S THIS BOTCHED? 74 00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:34,741 >> Stephen: I'D LIKE TO RESPOND TO KARI LAKE IN THE GAUZY STYLE 75 00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:44,717 SHE'S ACCUSTOMED TO: THEY DID VOTE FOR HER, AND SHE 76 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:57,964 DID WIN, YA FASCIST HOLOGRAM! 77 00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:00,667 LAKE'S DEFEAT IS ESPECIALLY GOOD BECAUSE SHE MODELED HERSELF 78 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:04,904 AFTER THE FORMER PRESIDENT, EVEN GOING SO FAR AS TO DISPARAGE THE 79 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:10,710 LATE ARIZONA SENATOR JOHN McCAIN, CALLING HIM A "LOSER." 80 00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:14,480 YOU CAN'T INSULT A BELOVED ARIZONA ICON LIKE THAT! 81 00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:18,484 MIGHT AS WELL RUN ON THE SLOGANS, "I'VE SEEN GRANDER 82 00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:27,093 CANYONS," AND "I PREFER HEAT THAT IS WET." 83 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:31,764 THE DRY HEAT, A DRY HEAT, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU GO HOME AND 84 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:35,301 WILL GO OKAY, THAT WAS FUNNY. 85 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:36,703 DELAYED REACTION. 86 00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:39,105 ONE ELECTION WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS OF IS IN GEORGIA, 87 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,040 WHERE THERE'S A SENATE RUNOFF BETWEEN RAPHAEL WARNOCK AND 88 00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:42,241 HERSCHEL WALKER. 89 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:46,079 YESTERDAY AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY, WALKER TOOK A SWING AT WHAT, 90 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:49,682 TO HIS UNDERSTANDING, IS THE GREEN NEW DEAL. 91 00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:52,051 >> IF WE WERE READY FOR THE GREEN AGENDA, I'D RAISE MY HAND 92 00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:52,885 RIGHT NOW. 93 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:54,520 BUT WE'RE NOT READY RIGHT NOW. 94 00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:57,023 SO, DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU LIKE THIS IS A NEW AGENDA. 95 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,458 THIS IS NOT A NEW AGENDA. 96 00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,126 WE'RE NOT PREPARED. 97 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,394 WE'RE NOT READY RIGHT NOW. 98 00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:04,597 WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS KEEP HAVING THOSE GAS-GUZZLING CARS, 99 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:07,667 BECAUSE WE GOT THE GOOD EMISSIONS UNDER THOSE CARS. 100 00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:12,305 >> Stephen: YES, GOOD EMISSIONS. 101 00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:16,109 OUT OF THOSE CARS AND HE OUGHT TO KNOW, BECAUSE IT 102 00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:17,877 REALLY SOUNDS LIKE HE'S BEEN HUFFING THEM. 103 00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:23,249 NOW, IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING -- BASED ON A TRUE STORY. 104 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:26,419 THAT HERSCHEL'S STATEMENT, WHATEVER THAT WAS, CONTRADICTS 105 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,988 THE SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS ON GREENHOUSE GASES. 106 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:32,024 IF WE DON'T CUT BACK ON OUR EMISSIONS, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE 107 00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,392 ABLE TO LOOK OUR CHILDREN IN THE EYE. 108 00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:37,230 AND IF YOU'RE HERSCHEL WALKER, THAT DOESN'T LEAVE YOU WITH MANY 109 00:06:37,296 --> 00:06:38,898 PLACES TO LOOK. 110 00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:42,769 HE'S THE REASON WE HIT EIGHT BILLION SO FAST. 111 00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:46,739 SO, WE'RE ALMOST FINISHED WITH THE 2022 ELECTION. 112 00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:50,076 AND IT'S A GOOD THING, BECAUSE WE'VE ALREADY STARTED THE 2024 113 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:53,379 ELECTION, THANKS TO AN ANNOUNCEMENT TONIGHT BY FORMER 114 00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:57,617 PRESIDENT CALIGU-DUH. 115 00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:03,623 NOW, WE TAPED THIS EARLIER, SO I CAN'T CONFIRM THIS ACTUALLY 116 00:07:03,689 --> 00:07:05,591 HAPPENED. 117 00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:08,661 THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS SET TO BE AT MAR-A-LAGO, SO THE F.B.I. 118 00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:12,698 COULD HAVE BURST IN AND SEIZED HIS TELEPROMPTER. 119 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,034 BUT, EVERYONE IS EXPECTING HIM TO ANNOUNCE HIS THIRD 120 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:19,739 PRESIDENTIAL BID. 121 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,575 YES, IT'S HIS THIRD TIME. 122 00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:30,583 OR, AS IT'S KNOWN AT HIS HOUSE, "THE MELANIA." 123 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,486 NOW WHAT I WANT EVERYBODY TO DO, IS THIS EARLIER? 124 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:34,921 IT IS EARLIER T IS EARLIER RIGHT NOW. 125 00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:37,089 I WANT EVERYONE TO BREATHE. 126 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:37,890 HE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE G.O.P. 127 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:38,524 NOMINEE. 128 00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:40,927 IT COULD BE RON DeSANTIS. 129 00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:42,795 (AUDIENCE BOOS) SOME DAY, THOSE ARE GOING TO BE 130 00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:45,464 BOOS OF RELIEF. 131 00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:49,535 PRIOR TO HIS ANNOUNCEMENT, THE EX-PRESIDENT PUT OUT A TEASER, 132 00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:52,238 TRUTHING: "HOPEFULLY TODAY WILL TURN OUT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST 133 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,941 IMPORTANT DAYS IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY!" 134 00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:57,543 AND IT IS. 135 00:07:57,610 --> 00:08:04,884 BECAUSE TODAY, NOVEMBER 15, IS NATIONAL RECYCLING DAY. 136 00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:11,157 YEAH, GIVE IT UP, DO THE RIGHT THING. 137 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,391 WHICH IS WHY WE'RE RECYCLING A PIECE OF TRASH WE THREW OUT 138 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:14,160 TWO YEARS AGO. 139 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:22,235 THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO -- CHEESIER PLAWS. 140 00:08:22,301 --> 00:08:27,473 -- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 141 00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:30,643 -- CHICKENS, I WILL EXPLAIN IT LATER. 142 00:08:30,710 --> 00:08:32,178 RE-POSTED THIS QUERY FROM A FAN: "WHY WOULD A BILLIONAIRE WHO HAS 143 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:35,481 IT ALL-- FAME, FORTUNE, A WARM AND LOVING FAMILY, FRIENDS, 144 00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:38,117 ETC.-- WANT TO ENDANGER HIMSELF BY BECOMING POTUS?" 145 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:44,891 BECAUSE HE'S ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW? 146 00:08:44,957 --> 00:08:45,625 NO? 147 00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:46,859 WE DON'T KNOW. 148 00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,061 OF COURSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS STILL DIG HIS WAY OUT OF ALL 149 00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:59,272 THE LAWSUIT FRTION HIS FIRST TERM. 150 00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:00,806 FOR INSTANCE, HE'S SUING TO BE REINSTATED ON TWITTER. 151 00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:02,208 AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO HIS LAWYERS ARE COMPARING HIM TO. 152 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,210 (QUEEN'S "BOHEMIAN RAPSODY") GALILEO, GALILEO 153 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:08,114 GALILEO, GALILEO THEY'RE COMPARING HIM TO THE 154 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:08,881 ASTRONOMER GALILEO. 155 00:09:08,948 --> 00:09:09,815 I GET THE RESEMBLANCE. 156 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:12,385 THEY BOTH LIKE TO STARE AT THE SUN. 157 00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:16,088 IN A FILING, THE LAWYERS ARGUED, "CRACKPOT IDEAS SOMETIMES TURN 158 00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:18,691 OUT TO BE TRUE-- THE EARTH DOES REVOLVE AROUND THE SUN, AND IT 159 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:22,495 WAS HUNTER BIDEN, NOT RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION AGENTS, WHO 160 00:09:22,561 --> 00:09:25,698 DROPPED OFF A LAPTOP FULL OF INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE AT A 161 00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:26,232 REPAIR SHOP IN DELAWARE." 162 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,968 WELL SAID. 163 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:30,836 ALL GREAT DISCOVERIES START AS CONSPIRACY THEORIES. 164 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:34,006 THOMAS EDISON ONLY INVENTED THE LIGHT BULB SO HE COULD FINALLY 165 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,475 SEE THAT SASQUATCH SNEAKING UP ON HIM. 166 00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:39,745 BUT THIS ISN'T EVEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S WEIRDEST CLAIM OF 167 00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:42,315 THE WEEK, BECAUSE IN THE LAWSUIT ABOUT ALL THOSE CLASSIFIED 168 00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:46,218 DOCUMENTS HE'S GOT AT MAR-A-LAGO, HE TAKES THIS BOLD 169 00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:49,956 STAND: "A PRESIDENT GETS TO DECIDE WHETHER RECORDS FROM HIS 170 00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,792 WHITE HOUSE ARE PERSONAL DOCUMENTS," AND THAT HE HAD 171 00:09:52,858 --> 00:09:55,561 DECIDED THAT ALL THE RECORDS HE TOOK TO 172 00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:58,698 MAR-A-LAGO WERE IN FACT HIS PERSONAL PROPERTY. 173 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:04,503 THAT IS THE LEGAL ARGUMENT OF A TODDLER. 174 00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,439 "MY CLIENT PLEADS, 'MINE, MINE, MINE, THEY'RE MINE-- I WANT A 175 00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:13,012 BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON-- MINE.' 176 00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:16,983 I WANT A BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON, I 177 00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:17,783 WANT A BALLOON. 178 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:19,185 I WANT A BALLOON. 179 00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:21,687 I WANT A BALLOON. 180 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:25,758 THE DEFENSE RESTS BECAUSE HE HAS A BOOM-BOOM IN HIS PANTS." 181 00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:28,127 2024 WON'T JUST BE THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. 182 00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,729 IT'LL ALSO BE THE SUMMER OLYMPICS IN PARIS. 183 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:34,200 AND YESTERDAY, THE FRENCH UNVEILED THE MASCOT. 184 00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:37,403 NORMALLY, THESE THINGS ARE PRETTY SILLY-LOOKING, BUT FRANCE 185 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,037 IS THE HOME OF ART AND FASHION. 186 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,305 MATISSE, CHANEL, DIJON. 187 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:43,509 SO, BEHOLD! 188 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:51,350 LES MASCOTS DELLA DE FRANCE WILL BE... I WANT TO SAY... 189 00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:53,219 DANCING BLOOD DROPS? 190 00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:56,722 "PLUSHY, THE UTERUS." 191 00:10:56,789 --> 00:11:02,395 IN REALITY, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A PHRYGIAN CAP, WHICH WAS A 192 00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:05,931 SYMBOL OF THE PURSUIT OF LIBERTY IN THE FRENCH REVOLUTION. 193 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:11,137 THE TWO HAVE A COMBINED NAME: LES PHRYGES. 194 00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:13,973 AND DON'T WORRY IF YOU DON'T SPRECHEN SIE FRENCH, BECAUSE AS 195 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,208 ONE FAN OF THE HATS POINTED OUT, IT WILL BE SEXY TO HAVE PEOPLE 196 00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:18,144 FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TRY TO PRONOUNCE THE NAME IN THEIR OWN 197 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:18,711 WAY. 198 00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:22,014 SURE. 199 00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:25,317 BECAUSE NOTHING IS SEXIER THAN AN AMERICAN MISPRONOUNCING 200 00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:26,085 FRENCH. 201 00:11:26,152 --> 00:11:27,486 (MISPRONOUNCING) "MY FAVORITE MEAL? 202 00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,288 POMMEZ FRITZ. 203 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:32,425 MY FAVORITE MUSEUM? 204 00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:33,459 LA LOUVEREY. 205 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,628 MY FAVORITE ACTOR? 206 00:11:35,694 --> 00:11:37,963 TIMOTAY CHAMBURGLER." 207 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,467 THE SAD THING IS THAT IT'S FRANCE. 208 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,004 THEY HAD SO MANY GREAT MASCOT OPTIONS TO CHOOSE FROM. 209 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,306 I WOULD HAVE GONE WITH BAGUETTEY AND CIGARETTEY. 210 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,209 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 211 00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:52,945 MY GUEST IS JON STEWART. 212 00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:54,013 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 213 00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,382 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, GIVE DID UP FOR THE LATE SHOW 214 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:37,356 BAND, RIGHT THERE. 215 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:41,961 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLK, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU 216 00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:45,898 KNOW I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HACKING 217 00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:47,566 THROUGH THE NEWS JUNGLE, FELLING THE DAY'S FINEST STORY VINES, 218 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,802 STRIPPING AND SUBMERGING THEM IN A POND OF THE MOST TOPICAL MUD 219 00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:52,238 AND LEAVES, THEN FORMING A KUBU RATTAN HERRINGBONE WEAVE OVER A 220 00:12:52,304 --> 00:12:55,241 HARDWOOD CORNER-BLOCKED FRAME TO CREATE THE BEAUTIFUL AND 221 00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:58,110 TIMELESS BALINESE WING CHAIR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 222 00:12:58,177 --> 00:13:00,646 BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, JUST SOMETIMES, I'M PECKED AWAKE 223 00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:04,183 BY A BOX TURTLE IN HER HABITAT AT A COMMUNITY ZOO, STEAL HER 224 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:08,120 SUNNING ROCK, AND COVER IT WITH HAY STOLEN FROM THE GORILLA PEN, 225 00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:12,091 THROW OPEN ALL THE ENCLOSURES, THEN SHOTGUN SOME ROBITUSSIN AND 226 00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:15,294 WHITE CLAW AND HOLD COURT BEFORE A GANG OF ESCAPED ANIMALS ON THE 227 00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:19,331 DRIFTER'S-THRONE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 228 00:13:19,398 --> 00:13:28,007 "MEANWHILE!" WE'RE BACK, BABY! 229 00:13:28,073 --> 00:13:29,308 WE'RE BACK. 230 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,610 YOU CAN'T KEEP "MEANWHILE" DOWN. 231 00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:37,716 YOU CAN'T STOP IT! 232 00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:41,020 MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT RATS HAVE RHYTHM LIKE 233 00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:44,123 HUMANS, AND EVEN PREFER CERTAIN SONGS, INCLUDING QUEEN'S 234 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:47,493 "ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST," "BEAT IT" BY MICHAEL JACKSON, 235 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,094 AND LADY GAGA'S "BORN THIS WAY." 236 00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:50,296 IT'S OFFICIAL. 237 00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,932 NEW YORKERS' WORST NIGHTMARES HAVE BEEN REALIZED-- THE RATS 238 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:59,738 CAN NOW BE SUBWAY DANCERS. 239 00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:00,573 SHOW TIME! 240 00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,975 HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S SHE TIME! 241 00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,777 MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, DEVICE ADDICTION ISN'T 242 00:14:04,843 --> 00:14:05,911 JUST FOR THE YOUNG. 243 00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:07,713 "BABY BOOMERS CAN'T STOP STARING AT THEIR PHONES," MAINLY 244 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,349 "PLAYING 'WORDS WITH FRIENDS,' 'CANDY CRUSH,' AND CARD GAMES." 245 00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:17,923 BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY'RE ONLY DOING IT AT THE LOUDEST VOLUME 246 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,992 KNOWN TO HUMANKIND. 247 00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:23,529 THAT'S NOT JUST A JOKE. 248 00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:25,564 IT'S SCIENCE. 249 00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:28,000 THE RESEARCH FOUND BOOMERS LIKE TO PLAY "CARD GAMES, OFTEN WITH 250 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:31,503 THE VOLUME TURNED UP." 251 00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:34,740 CARD GAMES ARE AN ENTIRELY VISUAL MEDIUM! 252 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,609 THAT'S LIKE SAYING "MY FAVORITE PART OF CHESS? 253 00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:42,014 THE FRAGRANCE." 254 00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:47,253 MEANWHILE, IN SOUTH AFRICA, A WOMAN'S PARTY WAS RUINED WHEN 255 00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:52,758 "HARD-PARTYING BABOONS CRASHED HER BIRTHDAY." 256 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,026 >> AYE! 257 00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:55,928 AYE! 258 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,062 AYE! 259 00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,098 >> Stephen: I HATE IT WHEN SOMEBODY OPENS THE CHIPS FROM 260 00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:01,166 THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG! 261 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:06,839 NOW THE LOGO'S UPSIDE DOWN! 262 00:15:06,905 --> 00:15:12,911 I DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT. 263 00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:13,912 MEANWHILE, APPLE IS REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING CHANGING THE "HEY 264 00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:15,214 SIRI" WAKE WORD ON YOUR iPHONE TO JUST "SIRI." 265 00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:16,382 NO! 266 00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:17,483 OUR GRANDPARENTS ARE JUST ON THE VERGE OF FIGURING OUT "HEY 267 00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:21,420 SIRI." 268 00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:28,727 "HELLO, SUSAN, WHAT'S THE WEATHER? 269 00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:36,702 I DON'T THINK SHE'S WELL. 270 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,404 MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME 271 00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:41,106 IS WORSE FOR YOUR BODY THAN STANDARD TIME, BECAUSE "LIGHT 272 00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:42,908 FROM ANY SOURCE TOO LATE INTO THE EVENING CAN INTERFERE WITH 273 00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:43,909 OUR ABILITY TO SLEEP." 274 00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:47,379 YES, LIGHT FROM ANY SOURCE: PHONE, iPAD, LAMPS-- 275 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:48,113 BUT NOT YOUR TV. 276 00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,649 THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! 277 00:15:50,716 --> 00:16:00,793 LATE NIGHT TV IS GOOD FOR YOU. 278 00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:02,027 OKAY? 279 00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:04,463 IT REDUCES WRINKLES, IMPROVES MOOD, AND IS PROVEN TO BOOST THE 280 00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:08,167 QUALITY OF MY BOAT. 281 00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:10,936 APPARENTLY, SHIFTING DAYLIGHT LATER INTO THE DAY "PUTS US AT 282 00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:15,607 AN INCREASED RISK FOR SLEEP LOSS, OBESITY, DIABETES, HEART 283 00:16:15,674 --> 00:16:16,975 DISEASE, AND MOOD DISORDERS." 284 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:20,245 ALTHOUGH MOST OF THOSE MOOD DISORDERS ARE JUST RAGE AT 285 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,681 TRYING TO CHANGE THE CLOCK ON THE MICROWAVE. 286 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,650 "WHAT DO I PRESS AGAIN? 287 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,352 SETTINGS? 288 00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:28,687 BAKED POTATO? 289 00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,789 SCREW IT! 290 00:16:30,856 --> 00:16:34,560 NOBODY LOOK AT THE MICROWAVE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS." 291 00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:39,898 MEANWHILE, IN ATTACHING-YOUR-BEARD-TO-OTHER-ME 292 00:16:39,965 --> 00:16:44,069 N'S-BEARDS NEWS, A GROUP IN WYOMING IS CLAIMING A NEW WORLD 293 00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:48,540 RECORD FOR THE LONGEST BEARD CHAIN. 294 00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:51,243 SEEMS USELESS, UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT LATER THAT NIGHT, THE BEARD 295 00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:54,346 CHAIN WAS LOWERED TO RESCUE A CHILD TRAPPED IN A WELL. 296 00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:55,414 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JON STEWART. 297 00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:13,265 >> Stephen: HEY. 298 00:17:13,332 --> 00:17:14,466 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 299 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:28,080 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST IS AN TV SHOW HOST AN ASPIRING 300 00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:30,149 DESCRUMMER, PLEASE WELCOME JON STEWART 301 00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:56,175 >> THANK YOU. 302 00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:07,886 INSYNC, LIKE THE OLD DAYS, IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL TO SEE YOU. 303 00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,989 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN HERE IN A MINUTE. 304 00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:15,894 >> LAST TIME I WAS HERE IT WENT GREAT. 305 00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:17,029 >> Stephen: I THINK IT DID, IS THE THING. 306 00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:18,297 WE HAD A. 307 00:18:18,363 --> 00:18:19,932 >> IT WENT GREAT. 308 00:18:19,998 --> 00:18:23,368 >> Stephen: WE HAD AN ENERGETIC DISAGREEMENT. 309 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,971 >> SPIRITED SRS SPIRITED DISAGREEMENT OVER HOW CERTAIN 310 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:30,509 YOU COULD BE ABOUT THE ORIGIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS. 311 00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:38,350 >> AND LET ME JUST SAY THIS, APOLOGY ACCEPTED. 312 00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:39,485 (APPLAUSE). 313 00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:42,087 >> Stephen: PEOPLE HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I WERE 314 00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:42,654 FIGHTING. 315 00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:43,622 AND I WANT TO POINT OUT. 316 00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:47,526 >> I DON'T KNOW THAT WE HAVE EVER HAD A FIGHT. 317 00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:49,695 I HAVE KNOWN YOU HOW LONG, 25. 318 00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:51,964 >> Stephen: 1999, SO 23 YEARS. 319 00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:55,868 I DON'T THINK WE EVER ACTUALLY HAD A DONEE BROOK. 320 00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:57,035 >> NO, NONE OF THAT. 321 00:18:57,102 --> 00:19:00,305 >> Stephen: I HAVE SAID THINGS LIKE, YOU CAN'T WEAR A TIE? 322 00:19:00,372 --> 00:19:02,741 BUT THAT'S NOT AN ARGUMENT. 323 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,476 THAT IS JUST DISAPPOINTMENT. 324 00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:05,410 >> YEAH, YEAH. 325 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:10,115 >> Stephen: YOU WORE A TIE LAST TIME. 326 00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:10,949 >> I DID WEAR A TIME LAST TIME. 327 00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:11,917 >> Stephen: LET ME POINT SOMETHING OUT. 328 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,253 SO THERE IS YOU TALKING ABOUT THE ORIGIN. 329 00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:17,956 AND LOOK WHO IS HAVING THE BEST TIME OF HIS LIFE. 330 00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:20,559 LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM. 331 00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:22,728 LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? 332 00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:25,330 THAT IS JOY, THAT IS TRUE LOVE RIGHT THERE. 333 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:28,667 LOOK AT MY LITTLE BOY ON TV IS ALL I'M THINKING. 334 00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:35,974 >> THE MOST RESPONSE I GOT OTHER THAN YOU RACIST CONSPIRACY PIECE 335 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:39,778 [BLEEP] WAS HOW OLD, PEOPLE THOUGHT I LOOKED VERY OLD. 336 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:44,950 SO I GOT A OH LOOK, IT'S JON BON JOVI'S DAD. 337 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,919 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT 338 00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:47,486 BACK WITH MORE JON STEWART, STICK AROUND. 339 00:19:56,995 --> 00:20:02,834 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF "THE 340 00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,403 WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF "THE PROBLEM WITH JON STEWART," JON 341 00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:09,441 STEWART. 342 00:20:09,508 --> 00:20:10,075 WE HAD A FASCINATING KRVETION LAST WEEK, THE DAY AFTER THE 343 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:11,276 ELECTION, I THINK WEDNESDAY. 344 00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:14,513 I CALLED YOU UP, HOW ABOUT LAST NIGHT, NOT WHAT WE THOUGHT, 345 00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:19,318 WASN'T A RISING TIDE OF FASHISM, TIDE WASN'T RISING AS FAST AS WE 346 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:22,888 THOUGHT, KIND OF GREAT BUT NOT GREAT TO SEE A LOT OF SORT OF 347 00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:28,393 UPDRAFTING OF SOME CASUAL ANTISEMITISM OR SOME SORT OF OLD 348 00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:33,765 KINDER OF CAB ULISTIC CONSPIRACY THEORIES OUT THERE. 349 00:20:33,832 --> 00:20:36,735 >> SO LAST WEEK, WE GOT THROUGH THE KAYNE SITUATION AND THE KIE 350 00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:40,839 REE SITUATION AND AFTER THE KYRIE IRVING SITUATION, ON 351 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,575 TWITTER WAS TRENDING THE JEWS. 352 00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:48,080 IT WAS JUST, THE WORD THE JEWS TRENDING ON TWITTER. 353 00:20:48,146 --> 00:20:52,985 AND SO IT WAS BITTERSWEET. 354 00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:55,954 BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS NICE TO TREND ON TWITTER. 355 00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:57,255 >> Stephen: IT IS NEVER BAD. 356 00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,525 >> IT IS NEVER BAD BUT I KNEW IF I CHECKED IT IT WASN'T GOING TO 357 00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:03,528 BE LIKE THE JEWS BOUGHT EVERYONE ICE CREAM. 358 00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,163 I KNEW IT WASN'T GOING TO BE-- . 359 00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:08,900 >> Stephen: THE JEWS, ABC'S NEW HIT SITCOM. 360 00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:10,035 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 361 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:14,773 BUT BECAUSE IT WAS KYRIE AND ABOUT THE NETS, THE JEWS WAS 362 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,375 TRENDING UNDER SPORTS. 363 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:21,046 WHICH FOR US, NICE. 364 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,147 >> Stephen: THAT'S A WIN. 365 00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:24,850 >> NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. 366 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:27,853 >> Stephen: SANDY KOVAXS. 367 00:21:27,919 --> 00:21:29,388 >> AND THEN THIS TRENDED. 368 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:36,528 LOOK, I'M, YOU KNOW, AS OUR SPOKESJEW AND WE HEAR YOU. 369 00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:40,832 THE PEOPLE OUT THERE, WE KNOW, YOU KNOW, THE POWER AND CONTROL 370 00:21:40,899 --> 00:21:45,170 THAT THE JEWS HAVE T COLLECTIVELY. 371 00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:48,106 BECAUSE WE, THAT'S HOW WE WIELD IT. 372 00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:50,509 >> Stephen: SURE STRKS ALL UNANIMOUS DECISIONS. 373 00:21:50,575 --> 00:21:51,176 >> CORRECT. 374 00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:54,079 I'M NOT ON ALL THE COMMITTEES. 375 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:58,050 BUT AND I DON'T KNOW WHO ENDED KAYNE'S ADIDAS DEAL, THAT WASN'T 376 00:21:58,116 --> 00:22:00,085 MY COMMITTEE. 377 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,922 I'M ON OIL PRICES AND BAGEL FLAVORS. 378 00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:05,490 I DO BAGEL FLAVORS. 379 00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:09,327 BY THE WAY, AND I SAY THIS TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WHO ENJOY 380 00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:12,464 BAG ELS, BLUEBERRY WAS A ROAG COMMITTEE. 381 00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:13,298 THAT WAS NOT US. 382 00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:15,434 I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. 383 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:29,281 BUT IN TERMS OF CONTROLLING OBVIOUSLY THE WORLD, SORRY. 384 00:22:29,347 --> 00:22:30,916 IT'S MY HOPE IN MY LIFETIME. 385 00:22:30,982 --> 00:22:32,150 AND WE HEAR THIS. 386 00:22:32,217 --> 00:22:37,789 BUT IT IS MY SINCERE HOPE THAT IN MY LIFETIME I DO GET TO SEE A 387 00:22:37,856 --> 00:22:39,191 CHRISTIAN PRESIDENT. 388 00:22:39,257 --> 00:22:47,766 I HOPE THAT-- I HOPE THAT JUST-- I THINK AMERICA IS READY 389 00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:49,367 FOR IT. 390 00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:55,440 TO SEE A PRESIDENT STAND UP AND SWEAR IN, MAYBE ON, AND I SAY 391 00:22:55,507 --> 00:23:01,613 THIS WITH NO REGRET, ON A BIBLE. 392 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:05,817 JEWS HAVE CONTROLLED IT FOR TOO LONG. 393 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:15,861 AND SO IT WOULD BE OUR HONOR TO ALLOW YOU ONE FOUR YEAR TERM. 394 00:23:15,927 --> 00:23:22,934 JUST-- IT'S REALLY FASCINATING, THE, YOU KNOW, FIRST OF ALL, THE 395 00:23:23,001 --> 00:23:29,174 KAYNE THING I THINK EVERYBODY, HE CAN BE A RAG AND THAT DIDN'T 396 00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:30,442 SURPRISE ME. 397 00:23:30,509 --> 00:23:33,478 THE KYRIE THING SURPRISED ME A BIT. 398 00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:40,418 YOU DON'T EXPECT TO GET IT FROM SOMEONE NAMED IRVING. 399 00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:49,060 (LAUGHTER) REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS ONE OF 400 00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:51,196 OURS. 401 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:52,831 (LAUGHTER). 402 00:23:52,898 --> 00:23:55,867 >> Stephen: VERY AGAIN YOWS-- GENEROUS. 403 00:23:55,934 --> 00:23:58,136 ARE YOU VERY GENEROUS, I HAVE TO SAY. 404 00:23:58,203 --> 00:23:59,304 >> THANK YOU. 405 00:23:59,371 --> 00:24:02,174 NOW EVERYBODY OBVIOUSLY CALLS AND DID YOU SEE DAVE ON SNL. 406 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,209 YEAH, IT WAS VERY GOOD FRIENDS. 407 00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,611 I ALWAYS WATCH. 408 00:24:06,678 --> 00:24:09,714 SHE NORMALIZED ANTI-SEMITISM WITH THE MONOLOGUE. 409 00:24:09,781 --> 00:24:13,618 I DON'T KNOW IF SHE HAS BEEN ON COMMENT SECTION, ON THOSE NEWS 410 00:24:13,685 --> 00:24:16,521 ARTICLES BUT ST PRETTY [BLEEP] NORMAL. 411 00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:21,159 LIKE ANTI-SEMITISM, AS YOU KNOW, IT IS INCREDIBLY NORMAL BUT THE 412 00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:27,866 ONE THING I WILL SAY IS I DON'T BELIEVE THAT CENSORSHIP AND 413 00:24:27,933 --> 00:24:33,572 PENALTY ARE THE WAY TO END ANTI-SEMITISM OR TO NOT GAIN 414 00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:34,272 UNDERSTANDING. 415 00:24:34,339 --> 00:24:35,540 I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT. 416 00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:38,844 pAND I THINK IT'S THE WRONG WAY FOR US TO APPROACH IT KYRIE 417 00:24:38,910 --> 00:24:42,314 IRVING, THEY SUSPENDED HIM FROM PLAYING BASKETBALL. 418 00:24:42,380 --> 00:24:46,384 IF YOU WANT TO PUNISH THIS MAN, SEND HIM TO THE KNICKS. 419 00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:55,527 I THINK THAT WOULD BE-- (LAUGHTER) 420 00:24:55,594 --> 00:24:58,830 BECAUSE I LOOK AT IT LIKE, THIS ANTI-SIMENTIC, PERHAPS. 421 00:24:58,897 --> 00:25:01,900 BUT HE CAN CREATE HIS OWN SHOT. 422 00:25:01,967 --> 00:25:03,568 AND THAT IS WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR. 423 00:25:03,635 --> 00:25:10,342 NO, BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, YOU KNOW, PENALIZING SOMEBODY FOR 424 00:25:10,408 --> 00:25:14,012 HAVING A THOUGHT, I DON'T THINK IS THE WAY TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS 425 00:25:14,079 --> 00:25:15,213 OR GAIN UNDERSTANDING. 426 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,550 THIS SAY GROWN ASS MAN AND THE IDEA THAT YOU WOULD SAY TO HIM 427 00:25:18,617 --> 00:25:20,652 WE'RE GOING TO PUT YOU IN A TIME OUT. 428 00:25:20,719 --> 00:25:24,723 YOU HAVE TO SIT IN THE CORNER AND STARE AT THE WALL UNTIL YOU 429 00:25:24,789 --> 00:25:28,593 NO LONGER BELIEVE THAT THE JEWS CONTROL THE INTERNATIONAL 430 00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:29,861 BANKING SYSTEM. 431 00:25:29,928 --> 00:25:36,101 LIKE WE HAVE TO GET PASSED THIS IN THE COUNTRY, THE ABILITY TO, 432 00:25:36,167 --> 00:25:37,736 LOOK, PEOPLE THINK THIS. 433 00:25:37,802 --> 00:25:42,440 PEOPLE THINK JEWS CONTROL HOLLYWOOD. 434 00:25:42,507 --> 00:25:44,843 PEOPLE THINK JEWS CONTROL THE BANKS. 435 00:25:44,910 --> 00:25:48,813 AND TO PRETEND THAT THEY DON'T, AND TO NOT DEAL WITH IT IN A 436 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:53,285 STRAIGHT FORWARD MANNER, WE WILL NEVER GAIN ANY KIND OF 437 00:25:53,351 --> 00:25:55,587 UNDERSTANDING WITH EACH OTHER. 438 00:25:55,654 --> 00:25:57,722 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE A MORE STRAIGHT FORWARD 439 00:25:57,789 --> 00:25:58,857 MANNER WOULD BE. 440 00:25:58,924 --> 00:26:00,225 BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT. 441 00:26:00,292 --> 00:26:03,828 I HAVE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW, ALSO ANY COMIC HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY 442 00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:04,963 WHAT THEY WANT. 443 00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:06,264 >> Stephen: AND THEY WILL PROBABLY FIND AN AUDIENCE FOR 444 00:26:06,331 --> 00:26:09,701 THAT, THAT HAS BEEN BORNE OUT THE LAST FEW YEARS, SO WHAT IS 445 00:26:09,768 --> 00:26:10,936 THE RESPONSE. 446 00:26:11,002 --> 00:26:13,571 PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE A NEGATIVE REACTION TO WHAT PEOPLE 447 00:26:13,638 --> 00:26:14,372 SAY ON STAGE. 448 00:26:14,439 --> 00:26:17,275 HAVE I GOTTEN IT A MILLION TIEMTION. 449 00:26:17,342 --> 00:26:18,543 YOU YOU HAVE GOTTEN IT A MILLION TIMES. 450 00:26:18,610 --> 00:26:22,614 SO WHAT WOULD YOU IMAGINE A RESPONSE IS, IF PEOPLE PERCEIVE 451 00:26:22,681 --> 00:26:26,017 ANTI-SEMITISM IN WHAT KYRI IRVING POST ON WHAT CAN SAI SAID 452 00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:28,954 OR DAVE SAID ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHAT DO YOU THINK A GOOD 453 00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:30,088 RESPONSE WOULD BE. 454 00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:33,525 >> I THINK REFLECTIVELY NAMING THINGS ANTI-SEMITISM IS AS 455 00:26:33,591 --> 00:26:35,794 REDUCTIVE AS SOME OF THE THINGS THEY MIGHT BE SAYING. 456 00:26:35,860 --> 00:26:39,831 IT IMMEDIATELY SHUTS DOWN A CONVERSATION. 457 00:26:39,898 --> 00:26:45,170 >> Stephen: I WOULD SAY THE PEOPLE SAID THEY PERCEIVE A 458 00:26:45,236 --> 00:26:50,809 PROMUL GAITION WAY COME ED IKSZ INTENTION OF 459 00:26:50,875 --> 00:26:53,378 ANTI-SET-- ANTI-SEMMITY IMTROPE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE PERSON IS 460 00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:54,279 ANTI-SEMITE. 461 00:26:54,346 --> 00:26:55,480 >> COMEDY IS REDOCTIVE. 462 00:26:55,547 --> 00:26:58,817 WE PLAY WITH TROPES BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS PREJUDICES IN THEIR 463 00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:01,186 LIVES AND THE WAY THEY VIEW THINGS. 464 00:27:01,252 --> 00:27:04,856 AND COMICS RELY ON THOSE PREJUDICES AS A SHORT HAND FOR 465 00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:06,591 OUR MATERIAL. 466 00:27:06,658 --> 00:27:11,096 EVEN THE LOCUST OF COMICS PLAY WITH TROPES TO A CERTAIN EXTENT 467 00:27:11,162 --> 00:27:13,264 BUT MY POINT IS THE MOST INTERESTING THING TO COME OUT OF 468 00:27:13,331 --> 00:27:17,002 THIS IN MY MIND IS SOMETHING KAYNE SAID. 469 00:27:17,068 --> 00:27:22,440 ON HIS TOUR THAT HE WAS DOING AFTER HE SAID THAT, AND THEN HE 470 00:27:22,507 --> 00:27:25,710 GOT INTERVIEWED BY FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. 471 00:27:25,777 --> 00:27:31,916 BECAUSE THE MEDIA MODEL, HIS-- HE SAID SOMETHING 472 00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:32,851 FASCINATING IN MY MIND. 473 00:27:32,917 --> 00:27:37,355 HE SAID HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. 474 00:27:37,422 --> 00:27:42,193 AND IF THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS IS THEN TO HEAL PEOPLE, THE ONLY 475 00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:47,265 WAY TO HEAL A WOUND IS TO OPEN IT UP AND CLEANSE IT. 476 00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:48,166 AND THAT STINGS. 477 00:27:48,233 --> 00:27:49,034 THAT HURTS. 478 00:27:49,100 --> 00:27:51,736 BUT YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE IT TO AIR. 479 00:27:51,803 --> 00:27:56,474 AND I'M AFRAID THAT THE GENERAL TENOR OF CONVERSATION IN THIS 480 00:27:56,541 --> 00:28:01,146 COUNTRY IS COVER IT UP, BURY IT, PUT IT TO THE OUTSKIRTS AND 481 00:28:01,212 --> 00:28:06,317 DON'T DEAL WITH IT AND WHAT I WOULD SAY IS LOOK AT IT FROM A 482 00:28:06,384 --> 00:28:08,019 BLACK PERSPECTIVE. 483 00:28:08,086 --> 00:28:13,425 IF A CULTURE THAT FEELS THAT ITS WEALTH HAS BEEN EXTRACTED BY 484 00:28:13,491 --> 00:28:18,563 DIFFERENT GROUPS, WHITES, JEWS, WHETHER IT IS TRUE OR NOT, ISN'T 485 00:28:18,630 --> 00:28:19,597 THE ISSUE. 486 00:28:19,664 --> 00:28:24,135 THAT IS THE FEELING IN THAT COMMUNITY. 487 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:26,504 AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THAT IS WHERE IT IS KOSMK 488 00:28:26,571 --> 00:28:28,773 FROM-- COMING FROM, THEN YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH IT AND YOU CAN'T 489 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:36,548 SIT DOWN AND EXPLAIN THAT BEING IN AN INDUSTRY ISN'T THE SAME AS 490 00:28:36,614 --> 00:28:40,151 HAVING A NEFARIOUS AND CONTROLLING INTEREST IN THAT 491 00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:43,388 INDUSTRY AND INTENTION, RIGHT, AND THAT HAS BEEN THE 492 00:28:43,455 --> 00:28:44,923 ANTI-SEMITIC TROPE. 493 00:28:44,989 --> 00:28:47,926 BUT YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO MEET PEOPLE FROM WHAT THEIR COMMUNITY 494 00:28:47,992 --> 00:28:49,427 IS FEELING AS WELL. 495 00:28:49,494 --> 00:28:53,231 >> Stephen: SO IN TERMS OF DEALING WITH IT, YOU THE WAY YOU 496 00:28:53,298 --> 00:28:55,667 MIGHT BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT IS TO SAY LET ME FIND OUT WHY YOU 497 00:28:55,733 --> 00:28:57,669 MIGHT FEEL THAT WAY. 498 00:28:57,735 --> 00:28:58,903 LET ME DECONSTRUCT. 499 00:28:58,970 --> 00:29:00,338 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 500 00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:02,640 >> Stephen: WITH FACTS WHY THAT IS NOT THE CASE. 501 00:29:02,707 --> 00:29:03,441 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 502 00:29:03,508 --> 00:29:04,776 BUT IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT. 503 00:29:04,843 --> 00:29:07,779 IF YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY IT, YOU KNOW, DAVE SAID 504 00:29:07,846 --> 00:29:11,082 SOMETHING IN THE SNL MONOLOGUE THAT I THOUGHT WAS CONSTRUCTIVE 505 00:29:11,149 --> 00:29:12,150 AS WELL. 506 00:29:12,217 --> 00:29:13,952 HE SAID IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD TO TALK ABOUT THAT. 507 00:29:14,018 --> 00:29:16,121 THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. 508 00:29:16,187 --> 00:29:20,191 LOOK, I CAN'T PRETEND THAT THERE AREN'T A [BLEEP] TON OF PEOPLE 509 00:29:20,258 --> 00:29:25,997 IN THIS COUNTRY AND THIS WORLD WHO BELIEVE THAT THE JEWS HAVE 510 00:29:26,064 --> 00:29:30,101 AN UNREASONABLE AMOUNT OF CONTROL OVER THE SYSTEMS. 511 00:29:30,168 --> 00:29:34,772 AND THEY WIELD IT AS PUPPET MASTERS. 512 00:29:34,839 --> 00:29:37,876 I'M CALLED ANTI-SEMITIC BECAUSE I'M AGAINST ISRAEL'S TREATMENT 513 00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:39,244 OF PALESTINIAN. 514 00:29:39,310 --> 00:29:43,314 I AM CALLED OTHER THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE BASED ON OTHER 515 00:29:43,381 --> 00:29:45,416 OPINIONS THAT I HAVE. 516 00:29:45,483 --> 00:29:48,686 BUT THOSE SHUT DOWN DEBATES. 517 00:29:48,753 --> 00:29:54,726 THEY'RE USED AS A CUDGEL AND WHETHER IT BE COMEDY OR 518 00:29:54,792 --> 00:29:58,263 DISCUSSION OR ANYTHING ELSE, IF WE DON'T HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO 519 00:29:58,329 --> 00:30:02,467 MEET EACH OTHER WITH WHAT IS REALITY, THEN HOW DO WE MOVE 520 00:30:02,534 --> 00:30:05,336 FORWARD IS MY QUESTION. 521 00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:07,472 I DON'T ENJOY IT. 522 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:08,740 DON'T GET ME WRONG. 523 00:30:08,806 --> 00:30:13,878 YOU KNOW, WHEN PEOPLE I ADMIRE, WITH MUSIC I LIKE, COME OUT AND 524 00:30:13,945 --> 00:30:18,416 SAY HOW MANY OF YOU ARE IN SHOW BUSINESS, YOU KNOW, HERE IS THE 525 00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:19,551 DEAL. 526 00:30:19,617 --> 00:30:25,023 WE HAVE OUR OWN TROPES LIKE A WHITE PERSON'S SUCCESS IS 527 00:30:25,089 --> 00:30:26,591 BECAUSE OF PRIVILEGE. 528 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:29,093 A MINORITY'S SUCCESS IS EMPOWERMENT. 529 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:33,865 A JEW'S SUCCESS, THAT'S A CONSPIRACY. 530 00:30:33,932 --> 00:30:34,465 YOU FEEL THAT. 531 00:30:34,532 --> 00:30:36,701 I FEEL THAT. 532 00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:38,603 BUT I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS THAT TO PEOPLE. 533 00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:44,342 IF I CAN'T SAY THAT IS BULL [BLEEP] AND EXPLAIN WHY, THAN 534 00:30:44,409 --> 00:30:47,645 WHERE DO WE GO AND IF WE ALL JUST SHUT IT DOWN THAN WE 535 00:30:47,712 --> 00:30:52,717 RETREAT TO OUR LITTLE CORNERS OF MISINFORMATION AND IT 536 00:30:52,784 --> 00:30:53,785 METASTASIZES. 537 00:30:53,851 --> 00:30:58,356 AND THE WHOLE POINT OF ALL OF THIS IS TO NOT LET IT 538 00:30:58,423 --> 00:30:59,324 METASTASIZE. 539 00:30:59,390 --> 00:31:01,159 AND TO GET IT OUT IN THE AIR AND TALK ABOUT IT. 540 00:31:01,226 --> 00:31:04,395 LIKE I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE JEWS. 541 00:31:04,462 --> 00:31:07,832 I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES. 542 00:31:07,899 --> 00:31:17,909 (LAUGHTER). 543 00:31:17,976 --> 00:31:24,949 >> Stephen: REALLY JUST ONE OF YOU. 544 00:31:25,016 --> 00:31:26,184 >> BETTE MIDLER? 545 00:31:26,251 --> 00:31:28,987 NO, I MEAN THE OTHER SIDE OF IT IS LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANT US 546 00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:32,890 AROUND, WRITE YOUR OWN [BLEEP] BROADWAY SHOWS. 547 00:31:32,957 --> 00:31:36,394 >> Stephen: WELL JON. 548 00:31:36,461 --> 00:31:39,230 >> DOES THAT MAKE SENSE, I KNOW YOU DISAGREE WITH THIS. 549 00:31:39,297 --> 00:31:43,768 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, JON, I DON'T DISAGREE WITH YOU. 550 00:31:43,835 --> 00:31:44,335 >> REALLY? 551 00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:45,036 ARE YOU STEPHEN COLBERT. 552 00:31:45,103 --> 00:31:47,071 >> Stephen: YES. 553 00:31:47,138 --> 00:31:51,709 >> WITH THE BLUE CHECK SYSTEM >> WITH HAT ELON MUSK HAS I DONW 554 00:31:51,776 --> 00:31:52,877 WHAT IS TRUE ANY MORE. 555 00:31:52,944 --> 00:31:56,614 >> Stephen: I DON'T AGREE WITH YOU BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY I 556 00:31:56,681 --> 00:31:58,750 CONDEMN ANTI-SEMITISM AND I STAND WITH ALL OF MY FRIENDS IN 557 00:31:58,816 --> 00:32:01,653 A JEWISH EXPHEUMENT, A COUNTERPOINT. 558 00:32:01,719 --> 00:32:04,689 WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 559 00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:05,757 MORE MR. JON STEWART. 560 00:32:10,995 --> 00:32:12,597 >> Stephen: HEY, LOOK AT THAT. 561 00:32:12,664 --> 00:32:13,798 LOOK AT THAT. 562 00:32:13,865 --> 00:32:16,834 IF ARE YOU WONDERING WHY I LOOK SO HAPPY ST BECAUSE THE MAN 563 00:32:16,901 --> 00:32:21,372 SITTING RIGHT THERE, MR. JON STEWART, HOST OF ITS PROBLEM 564 00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:25,543 WITH JON STEWART. 565 00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:30,848 >> CONGRESS PASSED THE-- YOU ATTENDED THE WHITE HOUSE BILL 566 00:32:30,915 --> 00:32:33,117 SIGNING, THERE IS THE PRESIDENT, THERE YOU RIGHT THERE. 567 00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:33,918 >> LOOK AT ME. 568 00:32:33,985 --> 00:32:35,053 >> Stephen: THERE IS YOU RIGHT THERE. 569 00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:36,220 >> A WONDERFUL MOMENT. 570 00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:39,090 >> Stephen: YOU ATTENDED AT WHITE HOUSE, I I KNOW YOU LOVE 571 00:32:39,157 --> 00:32:39,657 ATTENTION. 572 00:32:39,724 --> 00:32:40,825 >> LOVE T BABY. 573 00:32:40,892 --> 00:32:42,994 >> Stephen: SO DOING THAT, BEING INVOLVED IN THAT, WHAT DID 574 00:32:43,061 --> 00:32:45,330 YOU LEARN ABOUT THE SAUSAGE BEING MADE, NOT YOUR FIRST RODEO 575 00:32:45,396 --> 00:32:46,497 DOWN THERE. 576 00:32:46,564 --> 00:32:49,167 >> NOT MY FIRST RODEO DOWN IN WASHINGTON. 577 00:32:49,233 --> 00:32:52,203 HIGH HERE IS WHAT I TELL THE PEOPLE, I KNOW YOU ARE CONCERNED 578 00:32:52,270 --> 00:32:55,840 ABOUT OUR DEMOCRACY AND GOVERNMENT, I WILL TELL YOU 579 00:32:55,907 --> 00:32:58,476 THIS, SO YOU CAN SLEEP WELL, THERE COUNTRY IS HELD TOGETHER 580 00:32:58,543 --> 00:33:02,146 BY HUNDREDS OF UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED AND HARDWORKING 581 00:33:02,213 --> 00:33:04,682 LEGISLATIVE AIDES WHO ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE IN AND THE LAST 582 00:33:04,749 --> 00:33:06,784 PEOPLE OUT AT NIGHT. 583 00:33:06,851 --> 00:33:07,452 AND THEY. 584 00:33:07,518 --> 00:33:08,720 >> Stephen: THEY'RE DOING IT. 585 00:33:08,786 --> 00:33:11,522 >> I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, THEIR BOSSES, SENATORS AND 586 00:33:11,589 --> 00:33:16,928 CONGRESS PEOPLE OFTEN TIMES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE READING OR 587 00:33:16,994 --> 00:33:18,029 WHAT THEY ARE VOTING ON. 588 00:33:18,096 --> 00:33:22,400 WHEN ARE YOU IN THE SENATE CHAMBER YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR 589 00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:23,101 PHONE. 590 00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:24,302 AND YOU CAN'T REALLY MAKE NOISE. 591 00:33:24,369 --> 00:33:26,437 SO THE ONLY THING QUU DO WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE YOU HAVE BEEN 592 00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:32,377 WORKING WITH IS IMITATE EACH SENATOR AS THEY WALK IN. 593 00:33:32,443 --> 00:33:37,048 AND THERE IS NO ONE BETTER THAN BERNIE SANDERS. 594 00:33:37,115 --> 00:33:41,452 BERNIE SANDERS CAME IN AND HE JUST STARTS WANDERING. 595 00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:45,089 NO ONE ELSE WAS IN THE CHAMBER AND IS HE JUST LIFTING UP DESKS. 596 00:33:45,156 --> 00:33:48,459 AND SO THE WHOLE TIME I'M UP THERE OH THERE HAS TO BE 597 00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:56,701 SOMETHING IT HERE, OH, MY DAUGHTER, CAN I GET A-- LOOK OH, 598 00:33:56,768 --> 00:34:01,372 SENATOR SCHUMER HAS THREE YALMKES, WHAT? 599 00:34:01,439 --> 00:34:07,545 >> Stephen: HE OPENED IT UP AND IT WAS FULL OF SOUP. 600 00:34:07,612 --> 00:34:10,748 >> HE COMES AROUND AND SO EVERYBODY IS, WE'RE ALL 601 00:34:10,815 --> 00:34:11,582 LAUGHING. 602 00:34:11,649 --> 00:34:13,751 HE COMES AROUND TO THE FINAL DESESSING. 603 00:34:13,818 --> 00:34:19,424 HE OPENS IT UP, AND I SWEAR TO YOU, HE REACHES IN AND HE PULLED 604 00:34:19,490 --> 00:34:21,959 OUT A HARD CANDY. 605 00:34:22,026 --> 00:34:31,102 AND IN THAT MOMENT I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, GOD BLESS AMERICA. 606 00:34:31,169 --> 00:34:35,273 >> Stephen: I'M WONDERING, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND PLAYING US OUT 607 00:34:35,339 --> 00:34:36,741 TONIGHT. 608 00:34:36,808 --> 00:34:39,444 >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE. 609 00:34:39,510 --> 00:34:42,346 >> Jon: NEW EPISODES OF THE PROBLEM WITH JON STEWART ARE 610 00:34:42,413 --> 00:34:46,617 AVAILABLE ON APPLE TV PLUS, JON STEWART, EVERYBODY. 611 00:34:46,684 --> 00:34:47,685 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCEBY LCD SOUNDSYSTEM. 612 00:35:10,975 --> 00:35:12,910 PERFORMING "NEW BODY RHUMBA" PERFORMING, 613 00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:14,278 FROM THE FORTHCOMING NOAH BAUMBACH FILM, "WHITE NOISE," 614 00:35:14,345 --> 00:35:22,920 LCD SOUNDSYSTEM. 615 00:35:22,987 --> 00:35:26,624 S UP, UP, UP, UP, UP, UP RISE 616 00:35:26,691 --> 00:35:28,960 S UP, UP, UP, UP, UP, UP KIDNAP YOURSELF 617 00:35:29,026 --> 00:35:29,827 S UP! 618 00:35:29,894 --> 00:35:33,331 DON'T CALL THE FUZZ DON'T CALL THE FUZZ 619 00:35:33,397 --> 00:35:35,233 ♪ JUST COUNTING THE BILLS YOU'VE GOT 620 00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:40,938 ♪ $5s, $10s, $20s, $50s $100s, $100s, $100s, $100s 621 00:35:41,005 --> 00:35:46,677 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 622 00:35:47,144 --> 00:35:50,481 ♪ YEAH, I NEED A NEW BODY I NEED A NEW BODY 623 00:35:50,548 --> 00:35:58,689 ♪ I NEED A BIT OF SHAPE AND A TONE 624 00:35:58,756 --> 00:35:59,857 ♪ OOH, OOH YEAH, I NEED A NEW BODY 625 00:35:59,924 --> 00:36:11,102 ♪ I NEED A NEW BODY I CAN'T SHAKE SLEEPING ALONE 626 00:36:11,168 --> 00:36:26,050 ♪ YOU SEE, I HAVE BEEN MISPLACED I HAVE BEEN MISLAID 627 00:36:26,117 --> 00:36:27,919 ♪ YOU SEE, I HAVE BEEN MISPLACED I HAVE BEEN MISLAID 628 00:36:27,985 --> 00:36:34,392 ♪ LIKE A COVETOUS DOG THAT YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE IN YOUR HOME 629 00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:40,765 ♪ YEAH, I NEED A NEW LOVER I NEED A NEW BODY 630 00:36:40,831 --> 00:36:49,840 ♪ I CAN'T STAY OUT TOO LONG LIKE MY HANDS HAVE GONE NUMB 631 00:36:49,907 --> 00:36:53,044 ♪ PANA, SONIC, PANA, SONIC PANA, SONIC, PANA, SONIC 632 00:36:53,110 --> 00:36:58,115 ♪ JUST GIVE US WHAT WE WANT PANA, SONIC, PANA, SONIC 633 00:36:58,182 --> 00:37:04,989 PANA, SONIC, PANA, SONIC ♪ I NEVER DENY IT 634 00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:16,467 NO POINT IN DENYING ♪ THE RANSOM AND THE DEFENSE 635 00:37:16,534 --> 00:37:18,436 HAS DRAINED US WITH THEIR ♪ EXPENSE 636 00:37:18,502 --> 00:37:19,904 IT'S ENDLESS ♪ YEAH, I TRY NOT TO HIDE IT 637 00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:29,914 SIT ON THE FENCE IT'S TRUE 638 00:37:29,981 --> 00:37:31,882 ♪ LET'S SAY GOODBYE TO A BEAUTIFUL FRIEND 639 00:37:31,949 --> 00:37:34,518 ♪ STAGGERED AND BLIND ON THE RACK, ON THE MEND 640 00:37:34,585 --> 00:37:38,255 ♪ LET'S CLOSE THE EYES OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIEND 641 00:37:38,322 --> 00:37:45,930 ♪ SO, I NEED A NEW LOVE AND I NEED A NEW BODY 642 00:37:45,997 --> 00:37:47,999 ♪ TO PUSH AWAY THE END TO THE WATER WE SEND YOU 643 00:38:22,366 --> 00:38:27,405 ♪ DIM THAT LIGHT IN YOUR EYES COMING OUT OF YOUR EYES 644 00:38:27,471 --> 00:38:34,345 ♪ PEOPLE CAN SEE IT AS IT PIERCES THE VEIL 645 00:38:34,412 --> 00:38:40,451 ♪ THE PINK ONES AT NIGHT WHEN IT GETS TOO MUCH 646 00:38:40,518 --> 00:38:49,460 ♪ OTHERWISE, TOO MUCH NOISE IF YOU LOOK UP 647 00:38:49,527 --> 00:38:56,434 ♪ BLOCK OUT THE PERIPHERY THE EARTH AND TREES SURROUND YOU 648 00:38:56,500 --> 00:39:02,139 ♪ FRAMING YOUR ESCAPE INTO THE SKY 649 00:39:02,206 --> 00:39:09,814 ♪ INTO THE STARS LEAVING THE GROUND 650 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:16,554 ♪ YOU FEEL YOUR FEET LET GO THE AIR A BIT COOLER NOW 651 00:39:16,620 --> 00:39:22,727 ♪ THINNER IN THE LUNGS CLEANER IN THE MOUTH 652 00:39:22,793 --> 00:39:28,699 ♪ AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "DON'T LOOK DOWN" 653 00:39:28,766 --> 00:39:36,006 ♪ "DON'T LOOK DOWN" BUT THEY ALSO ALWAYS SAY, 654 00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:41,879 ♪ SELFISH, BY THE BED: "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT" 655 00:39:41,946 --> 00:39:48,753 ♪ "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT" "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT" 656 00:39:48,819 --> 00:39:55,292 ♪ "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT" WELL, GO INTO THE LIGHT 657 00:39:55,359 --> 00:40:01,999 ♪ GO INTO THE LIGHT GO INTO THE LIGHT 658 00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,068 ♪ GO INTO THE LIGHT ♪ 659 00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:20,951 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU! 660 00:40:21,018 --> 00:40:24,054 YOU CAN CATCH THEM AT THEIR 20-NIGHT BROOKLYN RESIDENCY 661 00:40:24,121 --> 00:40:24,688 WHICH KICKS OFF FRIDAY! 662 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:25,356 LCD SOUNDSYSTEM, EVERYBODY. 663 00:40:25,422 --> 00:40:27,191 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."