>> FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP AT 10 AND 9 P.M. EASTERN TUESDAY NIGHT
FROM MAR-A-LAGO TO ANNOUNCE HE'S RUNNING FOR A THIRD TERM FOR THE
PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> IT COMES DESPITE MANY REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS URGING
TRUMP TO HOLD OFF.
>> HE'S AN AGING PICTURE WHO KEEPS MOVING GAMES.
IT WOULD BE A BAD MISTAKE.
DESANTIS IS THE LEADER OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
2020 DIDN'T WORK OUT, WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD.
>> AND NOW THE ANNOUNCEMENT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD HAVE MADE
IF HE COULD TAKE A DAMN HINT.
>> WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE TONIGHT.
>> I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.
>> I'M RUNNING AWAY FOR EVER AND I'M NEVER GOING TO COME BACK.
>> IS IT HARD TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY.
>> I WILL BE IMMEDIATELY BE FORGOTTEN.
NOBODY WILL COME TO MY FUNERAL.
>> I THINK I WILL TELL MY SON ERIC THAT I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED.
BY SPACE BORINGS.
>> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A NO GOOD, ROTTEN, DISGUSTING EMBARRASSMENT
TO OUR GREAT COUNTRY.
>> SO IN CONCLUSION BYE BYE.
BINGE BONG AND GOD BLESS UNITED-- .
>> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, LATE NEWS PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES JON STEWART!
AND MUSICAL GUESTS LCD SOUNDSYSTEM.
FEATURING LEWIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW-- LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW LIVE LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW
YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, FOLKS, PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
SIT DOWN, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
DOWN HERE, UP THERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OFF, FIRST OFFER, CONGRATULATIONS, EVERYBODY!
YOU DID IT!
YOU MADE HISTORY JUST BY BEING ALIVE!
TORCHTS THE WORLD'S POPULATION HIT $8 BILLION PEOPLE AND YES,
YES, AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WILL BE AT YOUR AIRPORT
GATE THE DAY BEFORE THANKS GIVING.
NOT EVERYONE IN ZONE ONE.
THIS IS ALL THANKS TO HUMANITY SPENDING THE PAST DECADE
BUCKLING DOWN, UNBUCKLING THEIR BELTS, AND MAKING BABIES,
BECAUSE A BILLION PEOPLE WERE ADDED TO THE WORLD POPULATION IN
JUST THE LAST 12 YEARS.
TO WHICH YOUR PARENTS SAID, "AND SOMEHOW, NOT ONE OF THEM IS MY
GRANDCHILD.
IT MUST B SO NICE FOR THOSE THAT IS OKAY, I UNDERSTAND, I'M
SURE A PCD IS VERY NICE.
SPEAKING OF NUMBERS, ELECTION RESULTS ARE STILL COMING IN, AND
LAST NIGHT, WE GOT A HUGE ONE IN THE ARIZONA GOVERNOR'S RACE
BETWEEN DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE AND PROFESSOR GENTLY LETTING YOU
KNOW YOU'RE WASTING HER OFFICE HOURS, KATIE HOBBS...
AND MAGA CANDIDATE, ELECTION DENIER, AND UNHOLY OFFSPRING OF
HUMAN AND INSTAGRAM FILTER...
KARI LAKE.
AFTER ALMOST A WEEK OF COUNTING VOTES, WE FINALLY GOT WORD THAT
HOBBS HAS DEFEATED LAKE!
THERE YOU GO, VERY NICE, NICE WAY TO START THE DAY.
AND THIS SITUATION IS WIN-WIN.
BECAUSE HOBBS WON, AND KARI LAKE IS GOING TO CLAIM SHE DID.
HERE'S LAKE JUST BEFORE THE RACE IN QUESTION WAS CALLED, CALLING
THE RACE INTO QUESTION.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA WOULD VOTE FOR
HER, AND THAT SHE WOULD WIN.
BUT, IF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE DAY, HOW DO YOU
CERTIFY AN ELECTION THAT'S THIS BOTCHED?
>> Stephen: I'D LIKE TO RESPOND TO KARI LAKE IN THE GAUZY STYLE
SHE'S ACCUSTOMED TO: THEY DID VOTE FOR HER, AND SHE
DID WIN, YA FASCIST HOLOGRAM!
LAKE'S DEFEAT IS ESPECIALLY GOOD BECAUSE SHE MODELED HERSELF
AFTER THE FORMER PRESIDENT, EVEN GOING SO FAR AS TO DISPARAGE THE
LATE ARIZONA SENATOR JOHN McCAIN, CALLING HIM A "LOSER."
YOU CAN'T INSULT A BELOVED ARIZONA ICON LIKE THAT!
MIGHT AS WELL RUN ON THE SLOGANS, "I'VE SEEN GRANDER
CANYONS," AND "I PREFER HEAT THAT IS WET."
THE DRY HEAT, A DRY HEAT, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU GO HOME AND
WILL GO OKAY, THAT WAS FUNNY.
DELAYED REACTION.
ONE ELECTION WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS OF IS IN GEORGIA,
WHERE THERE'S A SENATE RUNOFF BETWEEN RAPHAEL WARNOCK AND
HERSCHEL WALKER.
YESTERDAY AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY, WALKER TOOK A SWING AT WHAT,
TO HIS UNDERSTANDING, IS THE GREEN NEW DEAL.
>> IF WE WERE READY FOR THE GREEN AGENDA, I'D RAISE MY HAND
RIGHT NOW.
BUT WE'RE NOT READY RIGHT NOW.
SO, DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU LIKE THIS IS A NEW AGENDA.
THIS IS NOT A NEW AGENDA.
WE'RE NOT PREPARED.
WE'RE NOT READY RIGHT NOW.
WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS KEEP HAVING THOSE GAS-GUZZLING CARS,
BECAUSE WE GOT THE GOOD EMISSIONS UNDER THOSE CARS.
>> Stephen: YES, GOOD EMISSIONS.
OUT OF THOSE CARS AND HE OUGHT TO KNOW, BECAUSE IT
REALLY SOUNDS LIKE HE'S BEEN HUFFING THEM.
NOW, IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING -- BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
THAT HERSCHEL'S STATEMENT, WHATEVER THAT WAS, CONTRADICTS
THE SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS ON GREENHOUSE GASES.
IF WE DON'T CUT BACK ON OUR EMISSIONS, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE
ABLE TO LOOK OUR CHILDREN IN THE EYE.
AND IF YOU'RE HERSCHEL WALKER, THAT DOESN'T LEAVE YOU WITH MANY
PLACES TO LOOK.
HE'S THE REASON WE HIT EIGHT BILLION SO FAST.
SO, WE'RE ALMOST FINISHED WITH THE 2022 ELECTION.
AND IT'S A GOOD THING, BECAUSE WE'VE ALREADY STARTED THE 2024
ELECTION, THANKS TO AN ANNOUNCEMENT TONIGHT BY FORMER
PRESIDENT CALIGU-DUH.
NOW, WE TAPED THIS EARLIER, SO I CAN'T CONFIRM THIS ACTUALLY
HAPPENED.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS SET TO BE AT MAR-A-LAGO, SO THE F.B.I.
COULD HAVE BURST IN AND SEIZED HIS TELEPROMPTER.
BUT, EVERYONE IS EXPECTING HIM TO ANNOUNCE HIS THIRD
PRESIDENTIAL BID.
YES, IT'S HIS THIRD TIME.
OR, AS IT'S KNOWN AT HIS HOUSE, "THE MELANIA."
NOW WHAT I WANT EVERYBODY TO DO, IS THIS EARLIER?
IT IS EARLIER T IS EARLIER RIGHT NOW.
I WANT EVERYONE TO BREATHE.
HE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE G.O.P.
NOMINEE.
IT COULD BE RON DeSANTIS.
(AUDIENCE BOOS) SOME DAY, THOSE ARE GOING TO BE
BOOS OF RELIEF.
PRIOR TO HIS ANNOUNCEMENT, THE EX-PRESIDENT PUT OUT A TEASER,
TRUTHING: "HOPEFULLY TODAY WILL TURN OUT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT DAYS IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY!"
AND IT IS.
BECAUSE TODAY, NOVEMBER 15, IS NATIONAL RECYCLING DAY.
YEAH, GIVE IT UP, DO THE RIGHT THING.
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE RECYCLING A PIECE OF TRASH WE THREW OUT
TWO YEARS AGO.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO -- CHEESIER PLAWS.
-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
-- CHICKENS, I WILL EXPLAIN IT LATER.
RE-POSTED THIS QUERY FROM A FAN: "WHY WOULD A BILLIONAIRE WHO HAS
IT ALL-- FAME, FORTUNE, A WARM AND LOVING FAMILY, FRIENDS,
ETC.-- WANT TO ENDANGER HIMSELF BY BECOMING POTUS?"
BECAUSE HE'S ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW?
NO?
WE DON'T KNOW.
OF COURSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS STILL DIG HIS WAY OUT OF ALL
THE LAWSUIT FRTION HIS FIRST TERM.
FOR INSTANCE, HE'S SUING TO BE REINSTATED ON TWITTER.
AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO HIS LAWYERS ARE COMPARING HIM TO.
(QUEEN'S "BOHEMIAN RAPSODY") GALILEO, GALILEO
THEY'RE COMPARING HIM TO THE
ASTRONOMER GALILEO.
I GET THE RESEMBLANCE.
THEY BOTH LIKE TO STARE AT THE SUN.
IN A FILING, THE LAWYERS ARGUED, "CRACKPOT IDEAS SOMETIMES TURN
OUT TO BE TRUE-- THE EARTH DOES REVOLVE AROUND THE SUN, AND IT
WAS HUNTER BIDEN, NOT RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION AGENTS, WHO
DROPPED OFF A LAPTOP FULL OF INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE AT A
REPAIR SHOP IN DELAWARE."
WELL SAID.
ALL GREAT DISCOVERIES START AS CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
THOMAS EDISON ONLY INVENTED THE LIGHT BULB SO HE COULD FINALLY
SEE THAT SASQUATCH SNEAKING UP ON HIM.
BUT THIS ISN'T EVEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S WEIRDEST CLAIM OF
THE WEEK, BECAUSE IN THE LAWSUIT ABOUT ALL THOSE CLASSIFIED
DOCUMENTS HE'S GOT AT MAR-A-LAGO, HE TAKES THIS BOLD
STAND: "A PRESIDENT GETS TO DECIDE WHETHER RECORDS FROM HIS
WHITE HOUSE ARE PERSONAL DOCUMENTS," AND THAT HE HAD
DECIDED THAT ALL THE RECORDS HE TOOK TO
MAR-A-LAGO WERE IN FACT HIS PERSONAL PROPERTY.
THAT IS THE LEGAL ARGUMENT OF A TODDLER.
"MY CLIENT PLEADS, 'MINE, MINE, MINE, THEY'RE MINE-- I WANT A
BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON-- MINE.'
I WANT A BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON, I WANT A BALLOON, I
WANT A BALLOON.
I WANT A BALLOON.
THE DEFENSE RESTS BECAUSE HE HAS A BOOM-BOOM IN HIS PANTS."
2024 WON'T JUST BE THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
IT'LL ALSO BE THE SUMMER OLYMPICS IN PARIS.
AND YESTERDAY, THE FRENCH UNVEILED THE MASCOT.
NORMALLY, THESE THINGS ARE PRETTY SILLY-LOOKING, BUT FRANCE
IS THE HOME OF ART AND FASHION.
MATISSE, CHANEL, DIJON.
SO, BEHOLD!
LES MASCOTS DELLA DE FRANCE WILL BE... I WANT TO SAY...
DANCING BLOOD DROPS?
"PLUSHY, THE UTERUS."
IN REALITY, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A PHRYGIAN CAP, WHICH WAS A
SYMBOL OF THE PURSUIT OF LIBERTY IN THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.
THE TWO HAVE A COMBINED NAME: LES PHRYGES.
AND DON'T WORRY IF YOU DON'T SPRECHEN SIE FRENCH, BECAUSE AS
ONE FAN OF THE HATS POINTED OUT, IT WILL BE SEXY TO HAVE PEOPLE
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TRY TO PRONOUNCE THE NAME IN THEIR OWN
WAY.
SURE.
BECAUSE NOTHING IS SEXIER THAN AN AMERICAN MISPRONOUNCING
FRENCH.
(MISPRONOUNCING) "MY FAVORITE MEAL?
POMMEZ FRITZ.
MY FAVORITE MUSEUM?
LA LOUVEREY.
MY FAVORITE ACTOR?
TIMOTAY CHAMBURGLER."
THE SAD THING IS THAT IT'S FRANCE.
THEY HAD SO MANY GREAT MASCOT OPTIONS TO CHOOSE FROM.
I WOULD HAVE GONE WITH BAGUETTEY AND CIGARETTEY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS JON STEWART.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, GIVE DID UP FOR THE LATE SHOW
BAND, RIGHT THERE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLK, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU
KNOW I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HACKING
THROUGH THE NEWS JUNGLE, FELLING THE DAY'S FINEST STORY VINES,
STRIPPING AND SUBMERGING THEM IN A POND OF THE MOST TOPICAL MUD
AND LEAVES, THEN FORMING A KUBU RATTAN HERRINGBONE WEAVE OVER A
HARDWOOD CORNER-BLOCKED FRAME TO CREATE THE BEAUTIFUL AND
TIMELESS BALINESE WING CHAIR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, JUST SOMETIMES, I'M PECKED AWAKE
BY A BOX TURTLE IN HER HABITAT AT A COMMUNITY ZOO, STEAL HER
SUNNING ROCK, AND COVER IT WITH HAY STOLEN FROM THE GORILLA PEN,
THROW OPEN ALL THE ENCLOSURES, THEN SHOTGUN SOME ROBITUSSIN AND
WHITE CLAW AND HOLD COURT BEFORE A GANG OF ESCAPED ANIMALS ON THE
DRIFTER'S-THRONE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" WE'RE BACK, BABY!
WE'RE BACK.
YOU CAN'T KEEP "MEANWHILE" DOWN.
YOU CAN'T STOP IT!
MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT RATS HAVE RHYTHM LIKE
HUMANS, AND EVEN PREFER CERTAIN SONGS, INCLUDING QUEEN'S
"ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST," "BEAT IT" BY MICHAEL JACKSON,
AND LADY GAGA'S "BORN THIS WAY."
IT'S OFFICIAL.
NEW YORKERS' WORST NIGHTMARES HAVE BEEN REALIZED-- THE RATS
CAN NOW BE SUBWAY DANCERS.
SHOW TIME!
HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S SHE TIME!
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, DEVICE ADDICTION ISN'T
JUST FOR THE YOUNG.
"BABY BOOMERS CAN'T STOP STARING AT THEIR PHONES," MAINLY
"PLAYING 'WORDS WITH FRIENDS,' 'CANDY CRUSH,' AND CARD GAMES."
BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY'RE ONLY DOING IT AT THE LOUDEST VOLUME
KNOWN TO HUMANKIND.
THAT'S NOT JUST A JOKE.
IT'S SCIENCE.
THE RESEARCH FOUND BOOMERS LIKE TO PLAY "CARD GAMES, OFTEN WITH
THE VOLUME TURNED UP."
CARD GAMES ARE AN ENTIRELY VISUAL MEDIUM!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING "MY FAVORITE PART OF CHESS?
THE FRAGRANCE."
MEANWHILE, IN SOUTH AFRICA, A WOMAN'S PARTY WAS RUINED WHEN
"HARD-PARTYING BABOONS CRASHED HER BIRTHDAY."
>> AYE!
AYE!
>> Stephen: I HATE IT WHEN SOMEBODY OPENS THE CHIPS FROM
THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG!
NOW THE LOGO'S UPSIDE DOWN!
I DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT.
MEANWHILE, APPLE IS REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING CHANGING THE "HEY
SIRI" WAKE WORD ON YOUR iPHONE TO JUST "SIRI."
NO!
OUR GRANDPARENTS ARE JUST ON THE VERGE OF FIGURING OUT "HEY
SIRI."
"HELLO, SUSAN, WHAT'S THE WEATHER?
I DON'T THINK SHE'S WELL.
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME
IS WORSE FOR YOUR BODY THAN STANDARD TIME, BECAUSE "LIGHT
FROM ANY SOURCE TOO LATE INTO THE EVENING CAN INTERFERE WITH
OUR ABILITY TO SLEEP."
YES, LIGHT FROM ANY SOURCE: PHONE, iPAD, LAMPS--
BUT NOT YOUR TV.
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!
LATE NIGHT TV IS GOOD FOR YOU.
OKAY?
IT REDUCES WRINKLES, IMPROVES MOOD, AND IS PROVEN TO BOOST THE
QUALITY OF MY BOAT.
APPARENTLY, SHIFTING DAYLIGHT LATER INTO THE DAY "PUTS US AT
AN INCREASED RISK FOR SLEEP LOSS, OBESITY, DIABETES, HEART
DISEASE, AND MOOD DISORDERS."
ALTHOUGH MOST OF THOSE MOOD DISORDERS ARE JUST RAGE AT
TRYING TO CHANGE THE CLOCK ON THE MICROWAVE.
"WHAT DO I PRESS AGAIN?
SETTINGS?
BAKED POTATO?
SCREW IT!
NOBODY LOOK AT THE MICROWAVE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS."
MEANWHILE, IN ATTACHING-YOUR-BEARD-TO-OTHER-ME
N'S-BEARDS NEWS, A GROUP IN WYOMING IS CLAIMING A NEW WORLD
RECORD FOR THE LONGEST BEARD CHAIN.
SEEMS USELESS, UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT LATER THAT NIGHT, THE BEARD
CHAIN WAS LOWERED TO RESCUE A CHILD TRAPPED IN A WELL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JON STEWART.
>> Stephen: HEY.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST IS AN TV SHOW HOST AN ASPIRING
DESCRUMMER, PLEASE WELCOME JON STEWART
>> THANK YOU.
INSYNC, LIKE THE OLD DAYS, IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN HERE IN A MINUTE.
>> LAST TIME I WAS HERE IT WENT GREAT.
>> Stephen: I THINK IT DID, IS THE THING.
WE HAD A.
>> IT WENT GREAT.
>> Stephen: WE HAD AN ENERGETIC DISAGREEMENT.
>> SPIRITED SRS SPIRITED DISAGREEMENT OVER HOW CERTAIN
YOU COULD BE ABOUT THE ORIGIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
>> AND LET ME JUST SAY THIS, APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: PEOPLE HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I WERE
FIGHTING.
AND I WANT TO POINT OUT.
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT WE HAVE EVER HAD A FIGHT.
I HAVE KNOWN YOU HOW LONG, 25.
>> Stephen: 1999, SO 23 YEARS.
I DON'T THINK WE EVER ACTUALLY HAD A DONEE BROOK.
>> NO, NONE OF THAT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE SAID THINGS LIKE, YOU CAN'T WEAR A TIE?
BUT THAT'S NOT AN ARGUMENT.
THAT IS JUST DISAPPOINTMENT.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU WORE A TIE LAST TIME.
>> I DID WEAR A TIME LAST TIME.
>> Stephen: LET ME POINT SOMETHING OUT.
SO THERE IS YOU TALKING ABOUT THE ORIGIN.
AND LOOK WHO IS HAVING THE BEST TIME OF HIS LIFE.
LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM.
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT IS JOY, THAT IS TRUE LOVE RIGHT THERE.
LOOK AT MY LITTLE BOY ON TV IS ALL I'M THINKING.
>> THE MOST RESPONSE I GOT OTHER THAN YOU RACIST CONSPIRACY PIECE
[BLEEP] WAS HOW OLD, PEOPLE THOUGHT I LOOKED VERY OLD.
SO I GOT A OH LOOK, IT'S JON BON JOVI'S DAD.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH MORE JON STEWART, STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF "THE
PROBLEM WITH JON STEWART," JON
STEWART.
WE HAD A FASCINATING KRVETION LAST WEEK, THE DAY AFTER THE
ELECTION, I THINK WEDNESDAY.
I CALLED YOU UP, HOW ABOUT LAST NIGHT, NOT WHAT WE THOUGHT,
WASN'T A RISING TIDE OF FASHISM, TIDE WASN'T RISING AS FAST AS WE
THOUGHT, KIND OF GREAT BUT NOT GREAT TO SEE A LOT OF SORT OF
UPDRAFTING OF SOME CASUAL ANTISEMITISM OR SOME SORT OF OLD
KINDER OF CAB ULISTIC CONSPIRACY THEORIES OUT THERE.
>> SO LAST WEEK, WE GOT THROUGH THE KAYNE SITUATION AND THE KIE
REE SITUATION AND AFTER THE KYRIE IRVING SITUATION, ON
TWITTER WAS TRENDING THE JEWS.
IT WAS JUST, THE WORD THE JEWS TRENDING ON TWITTER.
AND SO IT WAS BITTERSWEET.
BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS NICE TO TREND ON TWITTER.
>> Stephen: IT IS NEVER BAD.
>> IT IS NEVER BAD BUT I KNEW IF I CHECKED IT IT WASN'T GOING TO
BE LIKE THE JEWS BOUGHT EVERYONE ICE CREAM.
I KNEW IT WASN'T GOING TO BE-- .
>> Stephen: THE JEWS, ABC'S NEW HIT SITCOM.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT BECAUSE IT WAS KYRIE AND ABOUT THE NETS, THE JEWS WAS
TRENDING UNDER SPORTS.
WHICH FOR US, NICE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A WIN.
>> NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
>> Stephen: SANDY KOVAXS.
>> AND THEN THIS TRENDED.
LOOK, I'M, YOU KNOW, AS OUR SPOKESJEW AND WE HEAR YOU.
THE PEOPLE OUT THERE, WE KNOW, YOU KNOW, THE POWER AND CONTROL
THAT THE JEWS HAVE T COLLECTIVELY.
BECAUSE WE, THAT'S HOW WE WIELD IT.
>> Stephen: SURE STRKS ALL UNANIMOUS DECISIONS.
>> CORRECT.
I'M NOT ON ALL THE COMMITTEES.
BUT AND I DON'T KNOW WHO ENDED KAYNE'S ADIDAS DEAL, THAT WASN'T
MY COMMITTEE.
I'M ON OIL PRICES AND BAGEL FLAVORS.
I DO BAGEL FLAVORS.
BY THE WAY, AND I SAY THIS TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WHO ENJOY
BAG ELS, BLUEBERRY WAS A ROAG COMMITTEE.
THAT WAS NOT US.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
BUT IN TERMS OF CONTROLLING OBVIOUSLY THE WORLD, SORRY.
IT'S MY HOPE IN MY LIFETIME.
AND WE HEAR THIS.
BUT IT IS MY SINCERE HOPE THAT IN MY LIFETIME I DO GET TO SEE A
CHRISTIAN PRESIDENT.
I HOPE THAT-- I HOPE THAT JUST-- I THINK AMERICA IS READY
FOR IT.
TO SEE A PRESIDENT STAND UP AND SWEAR IN, MAYBE ON, AND I SAY
THIS WITH NO REGRET, ON A BIBLE.
JEWS HAVE CONTROLLED IT FOR TOO LONG.
AND SO IT WOULD BE OUR HONOR TO ALLOW YOU ONE FOUR YEAR TERM.
JUST-- IT'S REALLY FASCINATING, THE, YOU KNOW, FIRST OF ALL, THE
KAYNE THING I THINK EVERYBODY, HE CAN BE A RAG AND THAT DIDN'T
SURPRISE ME.
THE KYRIE THING SURPRISED ME A BIT.
YOU DON'T EXPECT TO GET IT FROM SOMEONE NAMED IRVING.
(LAUGHTER) REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS ONE OF
OURS.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: VERY AGAIN YOWS-- GENEROUS.
ARE YOU VERY GENEROUS, I HAVE TO SAY.
>> THANK YOU.
NOW EVERYBODY OBVIOUSLY CALLS AND DID YOU SEE DAVE ON SNL.
YEAH, IT WAS VERY GOOD FRIENDS.
I ALWAYS WATCH.
SHE NORMALIZED ANTI-SEMITISM WITH THE MONOLOGUE.
I DON'T KNOW IF SHE HAS BEEN ON COMMENT SECTION, ON THOSE NEWS
ARTICLES BUT ST PRETTY [BLEEP] NORMAL.
LIKE ANTI-SEMITISM, AS YOU KNOW, IT IS INCREDIBLY NORMAL BUT THE
ONE THING I WILL SAY IS I DON'T BELIEVE THAT CENSORSHIP AND
PENALTY ARE THE WAY TO END ANTI-SEMITISM OR TO NOT GAIN
UNDERSTANDING.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT.
pAND I THINK IT'S THE WRONG WAY FOR US TO APPROACH IT KYRIE
IRVING, THEY SUSPENDED HIM FROM PLAYING BASKETBALL.
IF YOU WANT TO PUNISH THIS MAN, SEND HIM TO THE KNICKS.
I THINK THAT WOULD BE-- (LAUGHTER)
BECAUSE I LOOK AT IT LIKE, THIS ANTI-SIMENTIC, PERHAPS.
BUT HE CAN CREATE HIS OWN SHOT.
AND THAT IS WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR.
NO, BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, YOU KNOW, PENALIZING SOMEBODY FOR
HAVING A THOUGHT, I DON'T THINK IS THE WAY TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS
OR GAIN UNDERSTANDING.
THIS SAY GROWN ASS MAN AND THE IDEA THAT YOU WOULD SAY TO HIM
WE'RE GOING TO PUT YOU IN A TIME OUT.
YOU HAVE TO SIT IN THE CORNER AND STARE AT THE WALL UNTIL YOU
NO LONGER BELIEVE THAT THE JEWS CONTROL THE INTERNATIONAL
BANKING SYSTEM.
LIKE WE HAVE TO GET PASSED THIS IN THE COUNTRY, THE ABILITY TO,
LOOK, PEOPLE THINK THIS.
PEOPLE THINK JEWS CONTROL HOLLYWOOD.
PEOPLE THINK JEWS CONTROL THE BANKS.
AND TO PRETEND THAT THEY DON'T, AND TO NOT DEAL WITH IT IN A
STRAIGHT FORWARD MANNER, WE WILL NEVER GAIN ANY KIND OF
UNDERSTANDING WITH EACH OTHER.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE A MORE STRAIGHT FORWARD
MANNER WOULD BE.
BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT.
I HAVE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW, ALSO ANY COMIC HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY
WHAT THEY WANT.
>> Stephen: AND THEY WILL PROBABLY FIND AN AUDIENCE FOR
THAT, THAT HAS BEEN BORNE OUT THE LAST FEW YEARS, SO WHAT IS
THE RESPONSE.
PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE A NEGATIVE REACTION TO WHAT PEOPLE
SAY ON STAGE.
HAVE I GOTTEN IT A MILLION TIEMTION.
YOU YOU HAVE GOTTEN IT A MILLION TIMES.
SO WHAT WOULD YOU IMAGINE A RESPONSE IS, IF PEOPLE PERCEIVE
ANTI-SEMITISM IN WHAT KYRI IRVING POST ON WHAT CAN SAI SAID
OR DAVE SAID ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHAT DO YOU THINK A GOOD
RESPONSE WOULD BE.
>> I THINK REFLECTIVELY NAMING THINGS ANTI-SEMITISM IS AS
REDUCTIVE AS SOME OF THE THINGS THEY MIGHT BE SAYING.
IT IMMEDIATELY SHUTS DOWN A CONVERSATION.
>> Stephen: I WOULD SAY THE PEOPLE SAID THEY PERCEIVE A
PROMUL GAITION WAY COME ED IKSZ INTENTION OF
ANTI-SET-- ANTI-SEMMITY IMTROPE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE PERSON IS
ANTI-SEMITE.
>> COMEDY IS REDOCTIVE.
WE PLAY WITH TROPES BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS PREJUDICES IN THEIR
LIVES AND THE WAY THEY VIEW THINGS.
AND COMICS RELY ON THOSE PREJUDICES AS A SHORT HAND FOR
OUR MATERIAL.
EVEN THE LOCUST OF COMICS PLAY WITH TROPES TO A CERTAIN EXTENT
BUT MY POINT IS THE MOST INTERESTING THING TO COME OUT OF
THIS IN MY MIND IS SOMETHING KAYNE SAID.
ON HIS TOUR THAT HE WAS DOING AFTER HE SAID THAT, AND THEN HE
GOT INTERVIEWED BY FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
BECAUSE THE MEDIA MODEL, HIS-- HE SAID SOMETHING
FASCINATING IN MY MIND.
HE SAID HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.
AND IF THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS IS THEN TO HEAL PEOPLE, THE ONLY
WAY TO HEAL A WOUND IS TO OPEN IT UP AND CLEANSE IT.
AND THAT STINGS.
THAT HURTS.
BUT YOU HAVE TO EXPOSE IT TO AIR.
AND I'M AFRAID THAT THE GENERAL TENOR OF CONVERSATION IN THIS
COUNTRY IS COVER IT UP, BURY IT, PUT IT TO THE OUTSKIRTS AND
DON'T DEAL WITH IT AND WHAT I WOULD SAY IS LOOK AT IT FROM A
BLACK PERSPECTIVE.
IF A CULTURE THAT FEELS THAT ITS WEALTH HAS BEEN EXTRACTED BY
DIFFERENT GROUPS, WHITES, JEWS, WHETHER IT IS TRUE OR NOT, ISN'T
THE ISSUE.
THAT IS THE FEELING IN THAT COMMUNITY.
AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THAT IS WHERE IT IS KOSMK
FROM-- COMING FROM, THEN YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH IT AND YOU CAN'T
SIT DOWN AND EXPLAIN THAT BEING IN AN INDUSTRY ISN'T THE SAME AS
HAVING A NEFARIOUS AND CONTROLLING INTEREST IN THAT
INDUSTRY AND INTENTION, RIGHT, AND THAT HAS BEEN THE
ANTI-SEMITIC TROPE.
BUT YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO MEET PEOPLE FROM WHAT THEIR COMMUNITY
IS FEELING AS WELL.
>> Stephen: SO IN TERMS OF DEALING WITH IT, YOU THE WAY YOU
MIGHT BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT IS TO SAY LET ME FIND OUT WHY YOU
MIGHT FEEL THAT WAY.
LET ME DECONSTRUCT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WITH FACTS WHY THAT IS NOT THE CASE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
IF YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY IT, YOU KNOW, DAVE SAID
SOMETHING IN THE SNL MONOLOGUE THAT I THOUGHT WAS CONSTRUCTIVE
AS WELL.
HE SAID IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT.
LOOK, I CAN'T PRETEND THAT THERE AREN'T A [BLEEP] TON OF PEOPLE
IN THIS COUNTRY AND THIS WORLD WHO BELIEVE THAT THE JEWS HAVE
AN UNREASONABLE AMOUNT OF CONTROL OVER THE SYSTEMS.
AND THEY WIELD IT AS PUPPET MASTERS.
I'M CALLED ANTI-SEMITIC BECAUSE I'M AGAINST ISRAEL'S TREATMENT
OF PALESTINIAN.
I AM CALLED OTHER THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE BASED ON OTHER
OPINIONS THAT I HAVE.
BUT THOSE SHUT DOWN DEBATES.
THEY'RE USED AS A CUDGEL AND WHETHER IT BE COMEDY OR
DISCUSSION OR ANYTHING ELSE, IF WE DON'T HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO
MEET EACH OTHER WITH WHAT IS REALITY, THEN HOW DO WE MOVE
FORWARD IS MY QUESTION.
I DON'T ENJOY IT.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
YOU KNOW, WHEN PEOPLE I ADMIRE, WITH MUSIC I LIKE, COME OUT AND
SAY HOW MANY OF YOU ARE IN SHOW BUSINESS, YOU KNOW, HERE IS THE
DEAL.
WE HAVE OUR OWN TROPES LIKE A WHITE PERSON'S SUCCESS IS
BECAUSE OF PRIVILEGE.
A MINORITY'S SUCCESS IS EMPOWERMENT.
A JEW'S SUCCESS, THAT'S A CONSPIRACY.
YOU FEEL THAT.
I FEEL THAT.
BUT I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS THAT TO PEOPLE.
IF I CAN'T SAY THAT IS BULL [BLEEP] AND EXPLAIN WHY, THAN
WHERE DO WE GO AND IF WE ALL JUST SHUT IT DOWN THAN WE
RETREAT TO OUR LITTLE CORNERS OF MISINFORMATION AND IT
METASTASIZES.
AND THE WHOLE POINT OF ALL OF THIS IS TO NOT LET IT
METASTASIZE.
AND TO GET IT OUT IN THE AIR AND TALK ABOUT IT.
LIKE I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE JEWS.
I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: REALLY JUST ONE OF YOU.
>> BETTE MIDLER?
NO, I MEAN THE OTHER SIDE OF IT IS LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANT US
AROUND, WRITE YOUR OWN [BLEEP] BROADWAY SHOWS.
>> Stephen: WELL JON.
>> DOES THAT MAKE SENSE, I KNOW YOU DISAGREE WITH THIS.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, JON, I DON'T DISAGREE WITH YOU.
>> REALLY?
ARE YOU STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> WITH THE BLUE CHECK SYSTEM >> WITH HAT ELON MUSK HAS I DONW
WHAT IS TRUE ANY MORE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T AGREE WITH YOU BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY I
CONDEMN ANTI-SEMITISM AND I STAND WITH ALL OF MY FRIENDS IN
A JEWISH EXPHEUMENT, A COUNTERPOINT.
WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MORE MR. JON STEWART.
>> Stephen: HEY, LOOK AT THAT.
LOOK AT THAT.
IF ARE YOU WONDERING WHY I LOOK SO HAPPY ST BECAUSE THE MAN
SITTING RIGHT THERE, MR. JON STEWART, HOST OF ITS PROBLEM
WITH JON STEWART.
>> CONGRESS PASSED THE-- YOU ATTENDED THE WHITE HOUSE BILL
SIGNING, THERE IS THE PRESIDENT, THERE YOU RIGHT THERE.
>> LOOK AT ME.
>> Stephen: THERE IS YOU RIGHT THERE.
>> A WONDERFUL MOMENT.
>> Stephen: YOU ATTENDED AT WHITE HOUSE, I I KNOW YOU LOVE
ATTENTION.
>> LOVE T BABY.
>> Stephen: SO DOING THAT, BEING INVOLVED IN THAT, WHAT DID
YOU LEARN ABOUT THE SAUSAGE BEING MADE, NOT YOUR FIRST RODEO
DOWN THERE.
>> NOT MY FIRST RODEO DOWN IN WASHINGTON.
HIGH HERE IS WHAT I TELL THE PEOPLE, I KNOW YOU ARE CONCERNED
ABOUT OUR DEMOCRACY AND GOVERNMENT, I WILL TELL YOU
THIS, SO YOU CAN SLEEP WELL, THERE COUNTRY IS HELD TOGETHER
BY HUNDREDS OF UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED AND HARDWORKING
LEGISLATIVE AIDES WHO ARE THE FIRST PEOPLE IN AND THE LAST
PEOPLE OUT AT NIGHT.
AND THEY.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE DOING IT.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, THEIR BOSSES, SENATORS AND
CONGRESS PEOPLE OFTEN TIMES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE READING OR
WHAT THEY ARE VOTING ON.
WHEN ARE YOU IN THE SENATE CHAMBER YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR
PHONE.
AND YOU CAN'T REALLY MAKE NOISE.
SO THE ONLY THING QUU DO WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE YOU HAVE BEEN
WORKING WITH IS IMITATE EACH SENATOR AS THEY WALK IN.
AND THERE IS NO ONE BETTER THAN BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE SANDERS CAME IN AND HE JUST STARTS WANDERING.
NO ONE ELSE WAS IN THE CHAMBER AND IS HE JUST LIFTING UP DESKS.
AND SO THE WHOLE TIME I'M UP THERE OH THERE HAS TO BE
SOMETHING IT HERE, OH, MY DAUGHTER, CAN I GET A-- LOOK OH,
SENATOR SCHUMER HAS THREE YALMKES, WHAT?
>> Stephen: HE OPENED IT UP AND IT WAS FULL OF SOUP.
>> HE COMES AROUND AND SO EVERYBODY IS, WE'RE ALL
LAUGHING.
HE COMES AROUND TO THE FINAL DESESSING.
HE OPENS IT UP, AND I SWEAR TO YOU, HE REACHES IN AND HE PULLED
OUT A HARD CANDY.
AND IN THAT MOMENT I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, GOD BLESS AMERICA.
>> Stephen: I'M WONDERING, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND PLAYING US OUT
TONIGHT.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE.
>> Jon: NEW EPISODES OF THE PROBLEM WITH JON STEWART ARE
AVAILABLE ON APPLE TV PLUS, JON STEWART, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCEBY LCD SOUNDSYSTEM.
PERFORMING "NEW BODY RHUMBA" PERFORMING,
FROM THE FORTHCOMING NOAH BAUMBACH FILM, "WHITE NOISE,"
LCD SOUNDSYSTEM.
S UP, UP, UP, UP, UP, UP RISE
S UP, UP, UP, UP, UP, UP KIDNAP YOURSELF
S UP!
DON'T CALL THE FUZZ DON'T CALL THE FUZZ
♪ JUST COUNTING THE BILLS YOU'VE GOT
♪ $5s, $10s, $20s, $50s $100s, $100s, $100s, $100s
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, I NEED A NEW BODY I NEED A NEW BODY
♪ I NEED A BIT OF SHAPE AND A TONE
♪ OOH, OOH YEAH, I NEED A NEW BODY
♪ I NEED A NEW BODY I CAN'T SHAKE SLEEPING ALONE
♪ YOU SEE, I HAVE BEEN MISPLACED I HAVE BEEN MISLAID
♪ LIKE A COVETOUS DOG THAT YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE IN YOUR HOME
♪ YEAH, I NEED A NEW LOVER I NEED A NEW BODY
♪ I CAN'T STAY OUT TOO LONG LIKE MY HANDS HAVE GONE NUMB
♪ PANA, SONIC, PANA, SONIC PANA, SONIC, PANA, SONIC
♪ JUST GIVE US WHAT WE WANT PANA, SONIC, PANA, SONIC
♪ I NEVER DENY IT
NO POINT IN DENYING ♪ THE RANSOM AND THE DEFENSE
HAS DRAINED US WITH THEIR ♪ EXPENSE
IT'S ENDLESS ♪ YEAH, I TRY NOT TO HIDE IT
SIT ON THE FENCE IT'S TRUE
♪ LET'S SAY GOODBYE TO A BEAUTIFUL FRIEND
♪ STAGGERED AND BLIND ON THE RACK, ON THE MEND
♪ LET'S CLOSE THE EYES OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIEND
♪ SO, I NEED A NEW LOVE AND I NEED A NEW BODY
♪ TO PUSH AWAY THE END TO THE WATER WE SEND YOU
♪ DIM THAT LIGHT IN YOUR EYES COMING OUT OF YOUR EYES
♪ PEOPLE CAN SEE IT AS IT PIERCES THE VEIL
♪ THE PINK ONES AT NIGHT WHEN IT GETS TOO MUCH
♪ OTHERWISE, TOO MUCH NOISE IF YOU LOOK UP
♪ BLOCK OUT THE PERIPHERY THE EARTH AND TREES SURROUND YOU
♪ FRAMING YOUR ESCAPE INTO THE SKY
♪ INTO THE STARS LEAVING THE GROUND
♪ YOU FEEL YOUR FEET LET GO THE AIR A BIT COOLER NOW
♪ THINNER IN THE LUNGS CLEANER IN THE MOUTH
♪ AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "DON'T LOOK DOWN"
♪ "DON'T LOOK DOWN" BUT THEY ALSO ALWAYS SAY,
♪ SELFISH, BY THE BED: "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT"
♪ "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT" "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT"
♪ "DON'T GO TO THE LIGHT" WELL, GO INTO THE LIGHT
♪ GO INTO THE LIGHT GO INTO THE LIGHT
♪ GO INTO THE LIGHT ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU!
YOU CAN CATCH THEM AT THEIR 20-NIGHT BROOKLYN RESIDENCY
WHICH KICKS OFF FRIDAY!
LCD SOUNDSYSTEM, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."