1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,236 >> THE CRYPTO WORLD IS CURRENTLY IN FINANCIAL TURMOIL WITH THE 2 00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:07,874 STUNNING COLLAPSE OF F.T.X., A CRYPTO-EXCHANGE ONCE VALUED NEAR 3 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:13,947 $32 BILLION, AND THE PLUMMETING PRICE OF BITCOIN, DOWN 65% THIS 4 00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:15,215 YEAR. 5 00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:22,956 BUT THE CANARY IN THE COAL MINE WAS THE COLLAPSE OF CRYPTO-ART, 6 00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:24,324 ALSO CALLED N.F.T.s. 7 00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:25,558 IN FACT, A BORED APE N.F.T. 8 00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:29,062 PURCHASED BY JUSTIN BIEBER IN JANUARY FOR $1.3 MILLION IS NOW 9 00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:31,131 WORTH ONLY $69,000. 10 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:13,039 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 11 00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:13,873 TONIGHT: 12 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:25,051 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: MICHELLE WILLIAMS 13 00:01:25,118 --> 00:01:30,089 THE WINNERS OF "PICKLED" DIERKS BENTLEY PHIL KEOGHAN. 14 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:35,962 AND MUSICAL GUEST DIERKS BENTLEY. 15 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,465 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 16 00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:40,834 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 17 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:45,872 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 18 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,875 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 19 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,944 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY! 20 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:03,189 HAVE A LOVELY, HAVE A LOVELY, HAVE A LOVELY, HAVE A LOVELY. 21 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,226 THERE IT IS. 22 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:06,759 THERE IT IS. 23 00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:08,361 >> Audience: STEPHEN! 24 00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:12,932 STEPHEN! 25 00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:17,704 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, MARK! 26 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:18,071 WOOO! 27 00:02:18,137 --> 00:02:20,173 WOOO! 28 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,075 ♪ ♪ ♪ GET SOME! 29 00:02:22,141 --> 00:02:23,076 YOU WANT SOME? 30 00:02:23,142 --> 00:02:25,512 COME GET SOME! 31 00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:30,283 BANG, BOOM! 32 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,252 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S UP? 33 00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:34,754 WHAT'S UP? 34 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,856 YOU GOT A PROBLEM? 35 00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:39,192 WHAT'S UP, BRO? 36 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:40,927 THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 37 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,829 THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 38 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:46,332 WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 39 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:50,169 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 40 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:54,474 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, FOLKS, THE SUSPENSE HAS 41 00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,708 FINALLY BROKEN. 42 00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:58,077 WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR NINE DAYS TO LEARN WHO WOULD CONTROL THE 43 00:02:58,144 --> 00:03:00,046 HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. 44 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,081 WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE 45 00:03:02,148 --> 00:03:05,285 WHO WAIT. 46 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:07,854 NOT THIS TIME, BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS HAVE WON CONTROL OF 47 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,055 THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. 48 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:15,995 ( AUDIENCE BOOS ) I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S 49 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:17,430 DISAPPOINTING. 50 00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:18,498 THOUGH, IT IS NICE TO SEE REPUBLICANS TAKE THE HOUSE 51 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:21,067 WITHOUT ANY ZIP TIES. 52 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:22,969 VOTES ARE STILL-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 53 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,039 IT'S REFRESHING, IS WHAT IT IS. 54 00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,640 VOTES ARE STILL BEING COUNTED IN SOME SWING DISTRICTS, SO WE 55 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:28,942 DON'T HAVE THE FINAL TALLY. 56 00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:33,179 BUT REPUBLICANS ARE LIKELY TO CONTROL A SLIMMER MAJORITY THAN 57 00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:37,784 MANY EXPECTED. 58 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:39,552 SO IT'S BAD, BUT NOT AS BAD AS YOU FEARED. 59 00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:42,088 IT'S THE POLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF PAPA JOHN'S. 60 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:45,124 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS MEANS THE NEW SPEAKER OF 61 00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:49,095 THE HOUSE WILL LIKELY BE CALIFORNIA CONGRESSMAN KEVIN 62 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:54,100 McCARTHY-- ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) 63 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,369 SEEN HERE REALIZING THAT WASN'T A RAISIN HE JUST ATE. 64 00:03:56,436 --> 00:04:01,207 WITH AN INCREDIBLY THIN MAJORITY, MANY ARE PREDICTING A 65 00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:02,942 CHAOTIC TERM FOR A WEAK SPEAKER, BUT KEVIN THINKS ANY MAJORITY 66 00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:07,146 GIVES YOU THE SAME AMOUNT OF POWER, AS HE EXPLAINED: 67 00:04:07,213 --> 00:04:10,083 >> THE ONE THING I KNOW IN WASHINGTON, THEY DON'T HAND THE 68 00:04:10,149 --> 00:04:13,720 GAVELS OUT IN SMALL, MEDIUM, AND LARGE SIZE. 69 00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:18,091 >> Stephen: HERE WITH A REBUTTAL, FORMER SPEAKER JOHN 70 00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:26,232 BOEHNER, HOLDING HIS ACTUAL GALV, WHICH WAS SO LARGE, 71 00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:27,233 HE COULD SUMMON LIKE MJOLNIR. 72 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,836 ( THUNDER ) LOT OF FOLKS THINK McCARTHY IS 73 00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:31,904 IN FOR A ROUGH RIDE, WITH ONE REPUBLICAN NOTING, "IT'S LIKE 74 00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:36,943 HERDING CATS TRYING TO GET EVERYBODY TOGETHER," AND ANOTHER 75 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,178 POINTED OUT, "YOU CAN'T LOSE ANYBODY. 76 00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:41,114 ANY ONE PERSON BECOMES KIND OF AN ISLAND TO THEMSELVES." 77 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:44,050 THAT ISLAND? 78 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:44,717 TURDS AND CUCKOOS. 79 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:45,118 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 80 00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:46,219 THANK YOU. 81 00:04:46,285 --> 00:04:50,089 THANK YOU, JOSEPH. 82 00:04:50,156 --> 00:04:51,924 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 83 00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,493 WHAT AN HONOR. 84 00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:57,130 POINT IS, McCARTHY HAS A HORRIBLE JOB WHERE HORRIBLE 85 00:04:57,196 --> 00:05:01,601 PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE HIM DO HORRIBLE THINGS. 86 00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:07,974 ONE PERSON WHO COMES PRE-HORRIBLED IS GEORGIA 87 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,008 CONGRESSWOMAN... 88 00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:15,381 ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) AND TOP DUMB, MARJORIE TAYLOR 89 00:05:15,448 --> 00:05:16,582 GREENE. 90 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,317 GREENE THREW HER SUPPORT BEHIND KEVIN McCARTHY FOR SPEAKER. 91 00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,086 IN EXCHANGE, SHE SAYS, "HE'S GOING TO GIVE ME A LOT OF POWER 92 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:24,023 AND A LOT OF LEEWAY," AND PREDICTS SHE'LL BE ON COMMITTEES 93 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:25,958 INVESTIGATING "TRAITORS AND CRIMINALS." 94 00:05:26,025 --> 00:05:28,561 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE INVESTIGATIONS SHE LAUNCHES: 95 00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:30,530 "WHAT'S HUNTER BIDEN'S WIFI PASSWORD? 96 00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:34,033 WHO DISTRIBUTED SPOONS TO THE GAZPACHO POLICE? 97 00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:40,106 WHERE DOES THE WATER IN MY SPONGE GO AT NIGHT? 98 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,741 IS IT SIPHONED OFF TO A SECRET JEWISH SPACE LOOFA?" 99 00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:43,876 THIS WAS ALSO-- ( APPLAUSE ) 100 00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:48,648 3 "I DEMAND ANSWERS!" I CAN'T-- I DENT AN IMPRESSION. 101 00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:50,083 THERE IS NO WAY. 102 00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:53,419 THIS WAS ALSO A BIG DAY FOR OUTGOING HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY 103 00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:55,321 PELOSI, SEEN HERE WAITING FOR TONY STARK TO LAND SO SHE CAN 104 00:05:55,388 --> 00:05:59,225 TELL HIM ABOUT THE AVENGERS INITIATIVE. 105 00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:01,127 ( LAUGHTER ) WITH REPUBLICANS WINNING THE 106 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,361 HOUSE, PELOSI TOOK TO THE FLOOR TO ANNOUNCE HER PLANS FOR THE 107 00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:08,067 FUTURE: >> MY COLLEAGUES, I STAND BEFORE 108 00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,536 YOU AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, AS A WIFE, A MOTHER, A GRANDMOTHER, 109 00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:13,673 A DEVOUT CATHOLIC, A PROUD DEMOCRAT, AND A PATRIOTIC 110 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,508 AMERICAN. 111 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:17,110 >> Stephen: (AS PELOSI) "I'M ALSO PROFICIENT WITH WORD, 112 00:06:17,176 --> 00:06:18,711 EXCEL, AND OUTLOOK. 113 00:06:18,778 --> 00:06:21,380 PLUS, I CAN DRIVE STICK AND SPEAK CONVERSATIONAL SPANISH. 114 00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:24,283 HOLA." 115 00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:26,552 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 116 00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:30,690 "I BELIEVE I WILL BE A PERFECT MEMBER OF YOUR TEAM." 117 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:32,592 THEN SHE GOT A SUBTLE DIG IN AT A POLITICAL OPPONENT. 118 00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:37,630 SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT: >> I HAVE ENJOYED WORKING WITH 119 00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:41,334 THREE PRESIDENTS: ACHIEVING HISTORIC INVESTMENTS IN CLEAN 120 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,970 ENERGY WITH PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH. 121 00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:49,242 ( APPLAUSE ) TRANSFORMING HEALTHCARE REFORM 122 00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:53,079 WITH PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. 123 00:06:53,146 --> 00:07:00,720 ( APPLAUSE ) AND FORGING THE FUTURE 124 00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:01,921 FROM INFRASTRUCTURE TO HEALTH CARE TO CLIMATE ACTION WITH 125 00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:05,124 PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN. 126 00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:12,799 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OOH, SHE LEFT OUT A 127 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:13,499 PRESIDENT. 128 00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:16,402 WHAT WAS HIS NAME AGAIN, NANCY? 129 00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:16,936 >> THE POO POO. 130 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,738 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 131 00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:19,438 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 132 00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:20,940 THANK YOU. 133 00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:25,111 I DON'T LIKE SAYING HIS NAME, BUT SHE IS FINE. 134 00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:27,647 THEN, AFTER TWO DECADES IN LEADERSHIP, THE FIRST FEMALE 135 00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:30,883 SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE MADE HER BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. 136 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:36,255 >> WITH GREAT CONFIDENCE IN OUR CAUCUS, I WILL NOT SEEK 137 00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:37,423 REELECTION TO DEMOCRATIC LEADERSHIP IN THE NEXT CONGRESS. 138 00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:41,027 >> Stephen: THERE IT IS. 139 00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:43,729 NANCY PELOSI, AFTER YEARS OF SERVICE, IS LEAVING THE 140 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:46,399 DEMOCRATIC LEADERSHIP. 141 00:07:46,465 --> 00:07:49,202 I ASSUME TO BE THE NEXT HOST OF "THE DAILY SHOW." 142 00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:51,871 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT TURNS OUT, THIS DOESN'T 143 00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:53,406 MEAN PELOSI'S RESIGNING FROM CONGRESS. 144 00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:57,109 SHE PLANS TO TAKE AN EMERITUS ROLE THAT WOULD ALLOW HER TO 145 00:07:57,176 --> 00:08:01,080 OFFER COUNSEL TO HER COLLEAGUES. 146 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,048 YES, SHE'LL REMAIN A MENTOR TO THE YOUNGLINGS. 147 00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,884 SHE'S OBI WAN PELOSI. 148 00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:07,386 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 149 00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:08,120 BUT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 150 00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:11,691 SURE. 151 00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:12,758 SURE. 152 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:16,329 BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON SHE DECIDED TO REMAIN. 153 00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:19,532 REPORTEDLY, PRESIDENT BIDEN PERSONALLY ASKED HER TO STAY, 154 00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:20,499 TELLING HER, "I HOPE YOU STICK." 155 00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:25,538 ( AS BIDEN ) "C'MON NANCE, WHY WOULDJA LEAVE? 156 00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:26,205 YOU'RE IN THE PRIME OF YOUR 80s! 157 00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:28,708 I CALL THAT PEE-POP PUBERTY! 158 00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:29,909 I STARTED GETTING HAIR IN ALL NEW PLACES: EARLOBE, KNUCKLE, 159 00:08:29,976 --> 00:08:32,011 TIP OF MY NOSE. 160 00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,312 C'MON, IT'S SENIOR SKIP DAY-- GET IN THE CORVETTE. 161 00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:37,116 WE'RE HEADED TO THE WOODS TO SMOKE BONIVA! 162 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,050 COME ON! 163 00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:44,423 DON'T FEAR THE REEFER, JACK." 164 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,092 ♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU. 165 00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:48,160 THANK YOU. 166 00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:51,430 I JUST WANTED TO HEAR THAT SONG. 167 00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:53,332 IS THIS HAPPENING? 168 00:08:53,399 --> 00:09:01,073 I'M BEING TOLD IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S "NO CONTEXT HERSCHEL 169 00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,709 WALKER. 170 00:09:03,776 --> 00:09:05,678 WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SHOW YOU IS A CLIP FROM A SPEECH HERSCHEL 171 00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:11,384 WALKER GAVE YESTERDAY ABOUT-- WELL, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER 172 00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:12,585 WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. 173 00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:17,123 JUST PLEASE ENJOY THIS CLIP, WHICH ONCE AGAIN I ASSURE YOU IS 174 00:09:17,189 --> 00:09:20,159 100% REAL AND UNALTERED IN ANY WAY. 175 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,394 JIM? 176 00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:22,361 >> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW, BUT VAMPIRES ARE COOL PEOPLE, ARE 177 00:09:22,428 --> 00:09:23,396 THEY NOT? 178 00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:24,397 BUT I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT I FOUND OUT. 179 00:09:24,463 --> 00:09:25,598 A WEREWOLF CAN KILL A VAMPIRE DID YOU KNOW THAT? 180 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:29,101 I NEVER KNEW THAT, SO I DON'T WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE ANYMORE. 181 00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:32,171 I WANT TO BE A WEREWOLF. 182 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:39,812 >> Stephen: A CLARION CALL THAT IS SURE TO GALVANIZE THE 183 00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:41,113 ELECTORATE: VOTE WALKER, FOR WEREWOLF! 184 00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:45,117 AND THIS HAS BEEN TONIGHT'S "NO CONTEXT HERSCHEL WALKER." 185 00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:49,188 UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE STILL HEARING FROM PRIVATE CITIZEN 186 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:53,125 KARI LAKE, SEEN HERE LEFT HANGIN' BY THE VOTERS OF 187 00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:59,298 ARIZONA. 188 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:00,533 EVEN THOUGH-- EVEN THOUGH HER RACE WAS CALLED ON MONDAY, LAKE 189 00:10:00,599 --> 00:10:02,101 HAS DUG IN ON CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD. 190 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,070 AND LAST NIGHT, TO MAKE THE POINT THAT SHE WAS NEVER GOING 191 00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:08,107 TO CONCEDE, LAKE DROPPED THIS NEW AD: 192 00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:13,145 ( "I WON'T BACK DOWN" PLAYING ) 193 00:10:13,746 --> 00:10:23,522 ♪ WELL I WON'T BACK DOWN NO, I WON'T BACK DOWN. 194 00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:29,128 >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NOT GOOD. 195 00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:32,098 BUT YOU CAN'T BLAME HER iPHONE FOR PUTTING TOGETHER A MEMORY 196 00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:33,232 CALLED, "AT THE FASCIST RALLY." 197 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:37,136 HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE THING-- THANK YOU, FASCIST. 198 00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,504 NOW, IF YOU'RE A TOM PETTY FAN, YOU'LL RECOGNIZE HIS SONG, 199 00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:41,107 "I WON'T BACK DOWN." 200 00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:44,076 ALSO, YOU CAN CONTINUE TO BE A TOM PETTY FAN, BECAUSE A 201 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,812 SPOKESPERSON FOR TOM PETTY'S ESTATE CONFIRMED THAT LAKE'S USE 202 00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:50,082 OF THE SONG WAS "NOT APPROVED OR ENDORSED." 203 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:53,419 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EXACTLY. 204 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,088 COME ON! 205 00:10:56,155 --> 00:11:00,559 YOU KNOW YOU'VE CROSSED A LINE WHEN TOM PETTY'S REPRESENTATIVES 206 00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:01,660 TELL YOU TO PLEASE BACK DOWN. 207 00:11:01,727 --> 00:11:03,662 THAT'S LIKE LAWYERS FOR GUNS N' ROSES TELLING YOU YOU 208 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:08,100 ARE NO LONGER WELCOME IN THE JUNGLE. 209 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,168 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 210 00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:15,041 SO-- APPLAUSE ) 211 00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:17,243 SO THEY DIDN'T APPROVE THAT SONG, BUT MAYBE THEY WOULD 212 00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:18,644 APPROVE A DIFFERENT TOM PETTY SONG. 213 00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:23,616 WE AT THE LATE SHOW HAVE A SUGGESTION. 214 00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:27,753 >> ♪ DON'T COME AROUND HERE NO MORE 215 00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:32,391 ♪ I'VE GIVEN UP STOP! ♪ 216 00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:35,394 >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 217 00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,129 MY GUESTS ARE MICHELLE WILLIAMS AND THE WINNERS OF THE WORLD'S 218 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:40,433 FIRST CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT, "PICKLED." 219 00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:42,501 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 220 00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:21,941 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE 221 00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:24,810 BAND, EVERYBODY, RIGHT THERE! 222 00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,913 JOE SAYLOR AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 223 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:30,950 ( APPLAUSE ) JOE. 224 00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,886 YOU KNOW, JOE-- PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 225 00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:35,054 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 226 00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:37,123 JOE, YOU KNOW, I'M LOSING MY VOICE A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE YOU 227 00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,925 KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING ALL NIGHT? 228 00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:44,964 I'VE BEEN SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT ABOUT ALL THE ACTION 229 00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:47,166 ON CBS FROM 9:00 TO 11:00. 230 00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:48,167 OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE ON AFTER THAT. 231 00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:49,768 THIS IS AN 11:30 SHOW. 232 00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:52,771 EVERYBODY KNOWS HERE. 233 00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:55,908 IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT RIGHT NOW FOR ALL OF US RIGHT NOW. 234 00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,309 AND WE'RE FOLLOWING "PICKLED." 235 00:12:57,376 --> 00:13:00,846 WHICH WAS THE CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT THEY 236 00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:01,947 HOSTED TONIGHT. 237 00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,950 AND TONIGHT, WE HAVE THE WINNERS, NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE-- 238 00:13:05,017 --> 00:13:06,886 WE HAVE THE WINNERS OF THAT. 239 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:10,823 WE HAVE DIERKS BENTLEY, COUNTRY SUPERSTAR, AND PHIL KEOGHAN, 240 00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,392 HOCHT OF THE "THE AMAZING RACE," WHO WON "PICKLED." 241 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:16,562 THEY WON THE CELEBRITY TOURNAMENT TONIGHT. 242 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,229 CONGRATULATIONS TO THEM. 243 00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,865 REAL FEATHER IN THEIR CAP. 244 00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:22,268 REAL FEATHER IN THEIR CAP. 245 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,869 >> Joe: SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. 246 00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:27,006 >> Stephen: YOU DO A LOT IN YOUR CAREER AND YOU WIN A 247 00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:29,141 PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT AND THE REST SEEMS KIND OF SMALL. 248 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:33,445 AND ALSO WE HAVE THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED, THE EXTRAORDINARILY 249 00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:36,682 GIFT, EMMY WINNER MICHELLE WILLIAMS WILL BE HERE TONIGHT. 250 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:43,455 SHE'S IN THE NEW-- SHE'S IN THAT NEW SPIELBERG MOVIE "THE 251 00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:44,957 FABELMANS," ABOUT HIS LIFE. 252 00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,059 IT'S ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD. 253 00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:49,662 IT'S NOT CALLED "THE SPIELBERGS." 254 00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:52,298 IT'S CALLED "THE FABELMANS." 255 00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:53,732 >> Joe: YEAH, THAT IS WEIRD. 256 00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:55,568 HE COULDN'T GET THE RIGHTS TO HIS OWN NAME. 257 00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:58,637 >> Stephen: HE DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO HIS OWN NAME. 258 00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:08,314 SOMEBODY ELSE GOT THE BLUE CHECK ON TWITTER. 259 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:10,249 FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, 260 00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:12,351 WANDERING THE NEWS TANNERY, HAND SELECTING THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL 261 00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:16,222 CALF LEATHER, SHAPING IT TO A BESPOKE LAST, THEN ADDING A 262 00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:17,990 BARK-TANNED SOLE WITH WELTED DOUBLE STITCHING TO CREATE THE 263 00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:21,493 FLAWLESS CROCKETT & JONES CAP TOE OXFORDS THAT ARE MY 264 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:22,628 MONOLOGUE. 265 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,830 BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP NAKED IN 266 00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:29,134 SOMEONE'S YARD IN THE COCKPIT OF A CESSNA 150 THAT I ASSUME I'VE 267 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,339 STOLEN, TEAR STRIPS FROM A TIRE SWING, THEN CUT THE ROPE 268 00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:36,075 OFF A TETHERBALL TO LASH THEM TO MY FEET, AND AS THE COPS CLOSE 269 00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:39,645 IN, I DART FROM UNDER AN OVERTURNED BABY POOL IN THE 270 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,447 FUGITIVE PLANE-JACKER'S FLIP- FLOPS OF NEWS THAT ARE MY 271 00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:48,320 SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE! 272 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:53,325 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THIS IS LIKE 273 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:54,093 PENICILLIN. 274 00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:57,730 THIS IS TETRACYCLINE FOR THE SOUL. 275 00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,766 MEANWHILE, "A TATTOO-REMOVAL STUDIO HAS OFFERED TO REMOVE 276 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:04,570 KANYE WEST TATTOOS FOR FREE ( APPLAUSE ) 277 00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,839 "USING THE SLOGAN "YEEZY COME, YEEZY GO." 278 00:15:06,905 --> 00:15:12,278 ( LAUGHTER ) AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD INSULT TO 279 00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:15,447 INJURY, THEY'LL REPLACE YOUR YE TATTOO WITH PETE DAVIDSON. 280 00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:21,687 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THE SOUTH AMERICAN 281 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:29,361 SHAMANISTIC PSYCHEDELIC BREW KNOWN AS AYAHUASCA CAUSES MENTAL 282 00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,863 HEALTH PROBLEMS THAT LAST MONTHS, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND. 283 00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:32,731 NOT TO MENTION HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR YOUR SISTER'S NEW BOYFRIEND 284 00:15:32,798 --> 00:15:33,299 TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT. 285 00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:33,832 "WE HEARD YOU, RYAN. 286 00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,534 IT WAS TRANSFORMATIVE. 287 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:41,340 YOU'RE NOW THE CAPTAIN OF A SPIRITUAL SPACESHIP WHOSE FUEL 288 00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:42,207 IS PRIMARY COLORS. 289 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:45,344 AND, NO, I WILL NOT CALL YOU 'EVEREST.'" 290 00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:58,490 ( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, IN ORDER TO UNDERCUT 291 00:15:58,557 --> 00:16:00,559 COSTCO'S PRICE OF $1.50, SAM'S CLUB IS CUTTING THE PRICE OF ITS 292 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:05,364 HOT DOG AND SODA FROM $1.50 TO $1.38. 293 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:09,101 THOUGH, I WILL REMIND YOU, THERE IS STILL MORE NUTRITIONAL VALUE 294 00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:09,768 IN JUST LICKING 138 PENNIES. 295 00:16:09,835 --> 00:16:18,310 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 296 00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:24,316 MEANWHILE, SCRABBLE: THE THINKING MAN'S BANANAGRAMS. 297 00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:28,220 THIS WEEK, "THE CREATORS OF THE GAME ADDED 500 NEW WORDS TO THE 298 00:16:28,287 --> 00:16:30,723 OFFICIAL SCRABBLE DICTIONARY," LIKE ZOODLE AND GUAC. 299 00:16:30,789 --> 00:16:32,658 UP 'TIL NOW, IF YOU WANTED TO ADD GUAC TO THE BOARD, YOU HAD 300 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:35,527 TO PAY TWO BUCKS EXTRA. 301 00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:37,563 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 302 00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:37,996 THANK YOU. 303 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:38,831 THANK YOU. 304 00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:39,898 YOU WERE RIGHT. 305 00:16:39,965 --> 00:16:45,137 YOU WERE RIGHT. 306 00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:48,340 MEANWHILE, "A MAN GOT A JUMPROPE STUCK IN HIS BLADDER AFTER 307 00:16:48,407 --> 00:16:52,911 SHOVING IT INTO HIS PENIS." 308 00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:57,216 LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU, KIDS. 309 00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:58,384 I KNOW IT SOUNDS FUN, BUT THERE'S A DOWNSIDE TO SHOVING A 310 00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:00,319 JUMPROPE INTO YOUR PENIS. 311 00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:04,923 THE MAN WAS APPARENTLY EXPERIENCING SOME DISCOMFORT, 312 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:08,894 AND WAS "FORCED TO SEEK MEDICAL HELP, COMPLAINING THAT HE WAS 313 00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:10,863 SUFFERING FROM A CONDITION CALLED "DYSURIA." 314 00:17:10,929 --> 00:17:13,899 OR AS IT'S MORE COMMONLY KNOWN: "DOUBLE DUTCH DONG." 315 00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:22,908 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 316 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:27,546 MEANWHILE, "STONED COWS FED WITH HEMP ARE MAKING T.H.C.-LACED 317 00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,314 MILK." 318 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,883 EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED THE SLOGAN FROM "GOT MILK?" TO 319 00:17:30,949 --> 00:17:35,354 "DO YOU EVER WONDER IF MILK GETS YOU?" 320 00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,423 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHELLE WILLIAMS. 321 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:02,214 ♪ HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE 322 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:05,484 NO MORE, NO MORE ♪ HIT THE ROAD JACK, AND DON'T 323 00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:11,890 YOU COME BACK NO MORE ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 324 00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:13,091 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY 325 00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,092 AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN," "MY 326 00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:17,896 WEEK WITH MARILYN," AND "FOSSE/VERDON." 327 00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:20,165 SHE NOW STARS IN THE NEW STEVEN SPIELBERG MOVIE "THE 328 00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:21,333 FABELMANS." 329 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:22,835 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MICHELLE WILLIAMS. 330 00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:28,006 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 331 00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:46,425 >> Stephen: GOOD TO SOO YOU. 332 00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:48,060 >> WHAT NICE FRIEND YOU HAVE. 333 00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:49,294 >> Stephen: I DO. 334 00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:52,865 I HAVE SOME LOVELY FRIENDS I'VE INVITED IN JUST FOR THIS 335 00:18:52,931 --> 00:18:54,099 EVENING. 336 00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:58,504 I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE BEFORE THE PANDEMIC, APRIL, 2019, FOR 337 00:18:58,570 --> 00:18:59,104 "FOSSE/VERDON." 338 00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:02,541 WICH YOU WON THE EMMY FOR. 339 00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:03,375 CONGRATULATIONS FOR THAT. 340 00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:05,410 ( APPLAUSE ) IT WAS SUCH A BRILLIANT 341 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:05,811 PERFORMANCE. 342 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:06,578 >> THANK YOU. 343 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,348 >> Stephen: SUCH A WONDERFUL SHOW. 344 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:10,048 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT. 345 00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,049 >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 346 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:12,384 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE ANOTHER PROJECT. 347 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,621 YOU'VE HAD TWO CHILDREN, BOTH DURING THE PANDEMIC. 348 00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:17,256 >> TWO KIDS IN ONE PANDEMIC. 349 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,023 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 350 00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:19,358 THAT IS EFFICIENT. 351 00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:19,858 GOOD FOR YOU. 352 00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:20,893 GOOD FOR YOU. 353 00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:23,762 IS IT-- HOW-- HOW ARE THEY DOING? 354 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:24,696 EVERYBODY IS GOOD? 355 00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:26,698 >> YEAH, EVERYBODY IS GOOD, HAPPY, HEALTHY. 356 00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:30,936 I HAVE A TWO-YEAR-OLD, MY 17, MY TWO, AND MY SIX WEEK. 357 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,138 >> Stephen: SIX-WEEK-OLD. 358 00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:34,273 THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY. 359 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,808 ( APPLAUSE ) SO YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING. 360 00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:38,443 SO YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING AT ALL RIGHT NOW. 361 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,279 >> NO, WE'RE NOT SLEEPING. 362 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:44,249 THE TEEN KEEPS US UP LATE AND THE BABIES GET US UP EARLY. 363 00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:48,987 SO, WE'RE NOT SLEEPING BUT -- >> Stephen: ANYTHING NEW ABOUT 364 00:19:49,054 --> 00:19:50,155 NUMBER THREE FOR YOU? 365 00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:53,692 >> THAT THERE ARE NO PICTURES OF THE BABY. 366 00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:57,663 YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR THIRD BABY SO YOU'RE NOT REALLY PUTTING ON 367 00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:02,200 THE CUTE CLOTHES AND DRESSING UP AND HAVING A PHOTO SHOOT. 368 00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:02,935 YOU'RE JUST... 369 00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:03,569 YOU KNOW. 370 00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:04,069 >> Stephen: GETTING IT DONE. 371 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,304 >> GETTING IT DONE. 372 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,140 >> Stephen: OUR THIRD, A BOY, OUR THIRD, WHEN HE WAS, I DON'T 373 00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:12,110 KNOW, SIX OR SEVEN YEARS OLD, HE GOES, "I'D LIKE TO GO TO A ZOO 374 00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:13,011 SOME DAY." 375 00:20:13,078 --> 00:20:15,914 AND WE SAID, "OH, YOU'VE BEEN TO THE ZOO." 376 00:20:15,981 --> 00:20:18,951 AND HE SAID, "I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO THE ZOO." 377 00:20:19,017 --> 00:20:22,588 AND WE SAID, "OH, DAMN, THESE THE THIRD ONE." 378 00:20:22,654 --> 00:20:25,424 WE SAID, WE DID THAT WITH THE FIRST ONES. 379 00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:26,425 YOU'LL BE FINE. 380 00:20:26,491 --> 00:20:30,529 IT'S ANIMALS, IT SMELLS BAD, IT'S KIND OF SAD." 381 00:20:30,596 --> 00:20:32,230 WHAT ABOUT BABIES DURING COVID? 382 00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:35,667 DID THAT HELP-- THERE'S A NESTING INSTINCT ANYWAY. 383 00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:38,003 DID IT HELP TO SORT OF HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM OTHER PEOPLE? 384 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,673 >> YEAH, IT'S A GREAT TIME TO HAVE A BABY. 385 00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,810 I MEAN, ONE THAT REALLY LIVENS UP A QUARANTINE. 386 00:20:44,876 --> 00:20:47,879 YOU DROP A BABY IN, AND NOBODY WANTS TO COME OVER. 387 00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:49,081 NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE BABY. 388 00:20:49,147 --> 00:20:50,349 YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEED PEOPLE. 389 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:53,151 YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE ABLE TO CARRY ON A CONVERSATION. 390 00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:58,790 YOU CAN JUST, LIKE, STARE AT YOUR BABY. 391 00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:02,394 >> Stephen: AM I MAYBE, TOTALLY, OVER HARD TO TELL, NO 392 00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:06,231 ONE IS TALKING TO US ABOUT IT ANY MORE, THE THIRD BABY-- IS 393 00:21:06,298 --> 00:21:07,099 THE BABY IN QUARANTINE? 394 00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:10,435 >> THE BABY IS BASICALLY IN QUARANTINE. 395 00:21:10,502 --> 00:21:11,536 WE STILL WEAR MASKS. 396 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:15,741 I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY ELSE-- WELL, YOU'RE ALL MASKED. 397 00:21:15,807 --> 00:21:16,508 ( APPLAUSE ). 398 00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:17,876 >> Stephen: YES, IT'S COMPLICATED. 399 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,445 >> I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THE BABY! 400 00:21:20,512 --> 00:21:24,182 >> Stephen: NO, IF YOU NEED A LITTLE OUTFIT, WE'VE GOT YOU A 401 00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:27,052 LITTLE-- A LITTLE "LATE SHOW" ONESY RIGHT HERE. 402 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,954 >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 403 00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:30,489 >> Stephen: I HOPE IT'S THE RIGHT SIZE. 404 00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:31,556 >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 405 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:34,926 >> Stephen: YOU'VE ALSO GOT A NEW MOVIE CALLED "THE 406 00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:36,895 FABELMANS," DIRECTED BY STEVEN SPIELBERG. 407 00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:40,632 THAT'S ONE OF THE FEW GREAT PLEASURES IN LIFE THAT YOU CAN'T 408 00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:43,568 BUY-- GETTING A CALL FROM STEVEN SPIELBERG SAYING, "DO YOU WANT 409 00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:48,640 TO BE IN MY MOVIE?" >> I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M HAVING 410 00:21:48,707 --> 00:21:49,541 AN OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE. 411 00:21:49,608 --> 00:21:53,345 LIKE, I'M IN A MOVIE WITH STEVEN SPIELBERG? 412 00:21:53,412 --> 00:21:53,812 NO. 413 00:21:53,879 --> 00:21:55,247 BUT IT'S TRUE. 414 00:21:55,313 --> 00:21:56,214 YEAH. 415 00:21:56,281 --> 00:21:57,349 I GUESS I MADE A MOVIE WITH STEVEN SPIELBERG. 416 00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:59,651 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE CARD RIGHT HERE. 417 00:21:59,718 --> 00:22:04,122 ( LAUGHTER ) FOR THOSE WHO WEREN'T FAMILIAR, 418 00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:05,490 WHAT IS "THE FABELMANS" ABOUT? 419 00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:07,092 >> IT'S ABOUT HIS FAMILY. 420 00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:08,326 IT'S ABOUT HIS LIFE. 421 00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:11,463 BOOTS HIS CHILDHOOD, AND I'M HIS MOMMA. 422 00:22:11,530 --> 00:22:12,831 >> Stephen: YOU'RE MITZI. 423 00:22:12,898 --> 00:22:17,536 >> Stephen: YOU'RE MITZI. 424 00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:18,737 TWO-PARTER-- WHAT'S SHE LIKE? 425 00:22:18,804 --> 00:22:21,773 AND, I MEAN, I SUPPOSE THIS IS BASED-- I DON'T KNOW HOW CLOSE 426 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,944 IT IS BASED ON HIS MOTHER, BUT TO YOU, WHAT IS SHE LIKE? 427 00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,846 AND HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR THAT ROLE? 428 00:22:27,913 --> 00:22:30,449 >> WELL, THERE'S SO MUCH-- I MEAN, HE'S BEEN SHOOTING FOOTAGE 429 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:34,820 OF HIS FAMILY SINCE HE WAS A KID, SO THERE'S SO MUCH 430 00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:37,389 BEAUTIFUL DOCUMENTATION OF HIS CHILDHOOD. 431 00:22:37,456 --> 00:22:39,424 >> Stephen: FAMOUSLY, HAS SO MANY SUPER 8 MOVIES. 432 00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:43,862 >> SO MANY SUPER 8 MOVIES, SO MANY BEAUTIFUL PHOTOS. 433 00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:45,831 AND HE HAD AN EXTRAORDINARY CHILDHOOD. 434 00:22:45,897 --> 00:22:50,268 WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE PHOTOS, THEY'RE SO EVOCATIVE AND SHE WAS 435 00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:52,437 A LARGER-THAN-LIFE PERSON AND SHE COMES THROUGH IN EVERYTHING 436 00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:55,741 YOU SEE, EVERYTHING YOU LISTEN TO, SHE HAD THIS INCREDIBLE 437 00:22:55,807 --> 00:22:59,444 LAUGH THAT WAS SORT OF LIKE A-- KIND OF LIKE MY TOUCHSTONE FOR 438 00:22:59,511 --> 00:23:00,645 THE PART. 439 00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:04,049 THE THING I WOULD LISTEN TO BEFORE EVERY TAKE, WAS JUST THIS 440 00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:06,651 GUIDE TRACK OF HER LAUGHING OVER THE YEARS. 441 00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:07,686 YEAH. 442 00:23:07,753 --> 00:23:10,922 >> Stephen: AND SHE WAS AN ARTIST IN HER OWN RIGHT. 443 00:23:10,989 --> 00:23:13,291 SHE WAS AN ASPIRING ARTIST. 444 00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:18,730 >> SHE WAS A REALLY ACCOMPLISHED PIANIST, AND PUT THAT DOWN TO 445 00:23:18,797 --> 00:23:20,932 RAISE FOUR CHILDREN BUT HER ENTIRE LIFE WAS KIND OF A WORK 446 00:23:20,999 --> 00:23:23,401 OF ART AND SHE PASSED IT ON TO HER KIDS. 447 00:23:23,468 --> 00:23:27,572 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE WHERE MITZI IS PRESENTING 448 00:23:27,639 --> 00:23:32,844 TO HER SON, SAMMIE, IN THIS CASE, A MOVIE CAMERA, AND IN 449 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:37,649 SOME WAYS, IT FEELS LIKE PASSING ON, LIKE, A BENEDICTION, TO GO, 450 00:23:37,716 --> 00:23:39,151 YOU KNOW, MAKE SOME ART. 451 00:23:39,217 --> 00:23:42,020 >> SHE SAW IT IN HIM. 452 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,090 SHE SAW-- SHE SAW IT BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE DID. 453 00:23:45,157 --> 00:23:48,794 AND SHE-- IT'S A TRUE STORY, SHE GAVE HIM HIS FIRST CAMERA. 454 00:23:48,860 --> 00:23:51,129 >> Stephen: JIM. 455 00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:53,999 >> SAMMY. 456 00:23:54,065 --> 00:23:58,203 WE'RE GOING TO USE DADDY'S CAMERA TO FILM IT. 457 00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:01,907 ONLY CRASH THE TERRAIN ONCE, OKAY? 458 00:24:01,973 --> 00:24:05,076 THEN AFTER WE GET THE FILM DEVELOPED, YOU CAN WATCH IT 459 00:24:05,143 --> 00:24:07,913 CRASH OVER AND OVER TILL IT'S NOT SO SCARY ANYMORE. 460 00:24:07,979 --> 00:24:12,384 AND YOUR REAL TRAIN WILL NEVER GET BROKEN. 461 00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,886 ONE MORE THING, DARLING. 462 00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:18,490 LET'S NOT TELL YOUR FATHER. 463 00:24:18,557 --> 00:24:23,228 IT WILL BE OUR SECRET MOVIE, JUST YOURS AND MINE. 464 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:23,528 OKAY? 465 00:24:23,595 --> 00:24:28,133 >> OKAY. 466 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:32,070 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DID YOU-- IF YOU 467 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:36,341 DON'T MIND ME ASKING, WHO WAS THAT PERSON FOR YOU IN YOUR LIFE 468 00:24:36,408 --> 00:24:41,146 WHO SAW THE TALENT IN YOU AND CULTIVATED THAT AND ENDORSED 469 00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:43,481 THAT FOR YOU? 470 00:24:43,548 --> 00:24:45,584 >> GOSH, I THINK ABOUT THIS PERSON A LOT, ACTUALLY. 471 00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:54,659 IT WAS MARYBETH PEELE, WHO PLAYED GRAMS ON "DAWSON'S 472 00:24:54,726 --> 00:24:55,694 CREEK." 473 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:59,631 SHE WAS, LIKE, MY ONSCREEN GRANDMA, BUT SHE WAS MY 474 00:24:59,698 --> 00:25:00,398 REAL-LIFE MAMA. 475 00:25:00,465 --> 00:25:02,067 I'M HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT. 476 00:25:02,133 --> 00:25:05,036 I THINK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME, AND EVERY CHANCE I GET IT'S JUST 477 00:25:05,103 --> 00:25:08,006 SO NICE TO REMEMBER HER AND TO TALK ABOUT HER. 478 00:25:08,073 --> 00:25:11,076 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK. 479 00:25:11,142 --> 00:25:13,144 BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MICHELLE WILLIAMS, 480 00:25:29,995 --> 00:25:31,930 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE STAR OF "THE 481 00:25:31,997 --> 00:25:33,932 FABELMANS," MICHELLE WILLIAMS. 482 00:25:33,999 --> 00:25:38,937 MICHELLE, I'M WONDERING WHAT DO YOU SEE IN STEVEN SPIELBERG THAT 483 00:25:39,004 --> 00:25:41,039 IS GREAT IN HIS DIRECTING? 484 00:25:41,106 --> 00:25:45,010 LIKE, WHAT MAKES, I SUPPOSE, AFTER WORKING WITH HIM NOW, WHAT 485 00:25:45,076 --> 00:25:47,245 MAKES STEVEN SPIELBERG STEVEN SPIELBERG? 486 00:25:47,312 --> 00:25:51,383 >> I THINK-- I MEAN, ONE ANSWER COULD BE HIS CHILDHOOD. 487 00:25:51,449 --> 00:25:55,987 IT WAS JUST-- IT CONTINUES TO BE A PLACE HE'S REALLY ATTACHED TO. 488 00:25:56,054 --> 00:26:01,293 IT WAS-- BECAUSE OF HOW HE WAS RAISED-- BOTH OF HIS PARENTS, 489 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:05,096 HIS MOTHER AND HIS FATHER AND HIS SORT-- AND HIS CREATIVE 490 00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:09,768 PLAYMATES, HIS SISTERS, HIS CHILDHOOD CONTINUES TO BE THIS 491 00:26:09,834 --> 00:26:12,971 WELL, THIS LIKE REALLY GENERATIVE PLACE THAT HE'S STILL 492 00:26:13,038 --> 00:26:14,172 SO TAPPED INTO. 493 00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:17,008 AND ALSO BRINGS THAT ENTHUSIASM, THAT SAME SORT OF CHILD-LIKE 494 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:19,477 WONDER TO SET EVERY SINGLE DAY. 495 00:26:19,544 --> 00:26:20,879 HE IS JUST... 496 00:26:20,946 --> 00:26:23,548 HE FEELS LIKE A KID AT PLAY. 497 00:26:23,615 --> 00:26:26,985 >> Stephen: HOW ENGAGED IS HE AS A DIRECTOR? 498 00:26:27,052 --> 00:26:31,456 SOME ACTORS WANT A DIRECTOR WHO IS MORE ENGAGED AND SOME LIKE 499 00:26:31,523 --> 00:26:32,724 HIM, "I'M A PROFESSIONAL. 500 00:26:32,791 --> 00:26:34,326 LET ME DO MY THING." 501 00:26:34,392 --> 00:26:39,597 WHAT'S HE LIKE-- I HEARD SOMEBODY DESCRIBE SCORSESES 502 00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:42,667 DIRECT AS HE'S A PROBLEM SOLVER. 503 00:26:42,734 --> 00:26:44,336 WHAT IS SPIELBERG'S PROBLEM SOLVING ON SET? 504 00:26:44,402 --> 00:26:45,270 IS IT DISCOVERY? 505 00:26:45,337 --> 00:26:46,671 IS IT INVENTION? 506 00:26:46,738 --> 00:26:48,907 HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE WAY HE WORKS WITH AN ACTOR. 507 00:26:48,974 --> 00:26:52,010 >> THE FAVORITE THING YOU WOULD HEAR BEHIND THE MONITOR IS, "I 508 00:26:52,077 --> 00:26:53,211 HAVE AN IDEA! 509 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:56,715 "SO YOU KNOW HE'S SEEN SOMETHING THAT SPARKED SOMETHING NEW, 510 00:26:56,781 --> 00:27:00,986 SOMETHING THAT HE HADN'T COME-- HE HADN'T SORT OF PREORDAINED 511 00:27:01,052 --> 00:27:02,187 ABOUT THE MOMENT. 512 00:27:02,253 --> 00:27:06,458 AND SO IT'S REALLY EXCITING AS AN ACTOR TO THINK WHAT CAN I 513 00:27:06,524 --> 00:27:08,660 BRING THAT MIGHT SPARK SOMETHING IN HIM? 514 00:27:08,727 --> 00:27:12,030 AND I GET TO HEAR THAT EXCITED VOICE BEHIND THE MONITOR. 515 00:27:12,097 --> 00:27:15,166 >> Stephen: YOU SAID WHEN YOU'RE PERFORMING-- I HOPE I'M 516 00:27:15,233 --> 00:27:18,737 GETTING THIS CORRECTLY-- WHEN YOU'RE PERFORMING, EVERYTHING 517 00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:19,204 OPENS UP. 518 00:27:19,270 --> 00:27:20,972 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 519 00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:21,806 LIKE YOUR PORES. 520 00:27:21,873 --> 00:27:23,008 >> DID I SAY THAT. 521 00:27:23,074 --> 00:27:26,911 >> Stephen: IT SAYS HERE, YOU SAID THAT WHEN YOU'RE ACTING, 522 00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:28,880 "EVERYTHING OPENS UP." 523 00:27:28,947 --> 00:27:31,416 WHAT'S IT LIKE IN THE MOMENT OF PERFORMANCE FOR YOU? 524 00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:34,619 OR DO YOU HAVE ANY AWARENESS OF THE MOMENT OF PERFORMANCE? 525 00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:42,027 >> THE THING THEY ALWAYS THINK ABOUT, ABOUT JOBS AND MY JOB IS 526 00:27:42,093 --> 00:27:44,729 THAT IT'S A COMPLETELY SAFE SPACE. 527 00:27:44,796 --> 00:27:46,064 THERE'S NO LIFE OR DEATH. 528 00:27:46,131 --> 00:27:52,404 YOU'RE TOTALLY PROTECTED BETWEEN "ACTION" AND "CUT." 529 00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:54,372 NOTHING BAD CAN EVER HAPPEN. 530 00:27:54,439 --> 00:27:57,008 YOU CAN HAVE EXPERIENCES, BUT THEY AREN'T REALLY YOURS. 531 00:27:57,075 --> 00:27:59,411 THEY BELONG TO SOMEBODY ELSE, AND THEY'RE BEING TRANSMITTED 532 00:27:59,477 --> 00:28:00,478 OUT FOR OTHER PEOPLE. 533 00:28:00,545 --> 00:28:04,215 SO I THINK OF IT IS JUST THIS INCREDIBLY SAFE SPACE. 534 00:28:04,282 --> 00:28:07,385 >> Stephen: WELL, IF YOU HADN'T BEEN AN ACTOR-- I MEAN, 535 00:28:07,452 --> 00:28:10,255 THERE ARE OTHER PATHS FOR YOU. 536 00:28:10,321 --> 00:28:12,223 WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE BEEN IF YOU HADN'T BEEN AFTER ACTOR? 537 00:28:12,290 --> 00:28:16,161 >> I CAN'T-- I DON'T-- I'VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE I WAS 12. 538 00:28:16,227 --> 00:28:17,295 THERE'S NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO. 539 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:19,397 >> Stephen: YOU HAD NO OTHER JOB? 540 00:28:19,464 --> 00:28:21,566 YOU HAD NO OTHER JOB? 541 00:28:21,633 --> 00:28:22,700 YOU'VE NEVER DONE ANOTHER JOB? 542 00:28:22,767 --> 00:28:27,072 >> THE LAST JOB I HAD WAS SERVING SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM. 543 00:28:27,138 --> 00:28:30,141 BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN... 544 00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:31,109 CARRY THAT INTO THE FUTURE. 545 00:28:31,176 --> 00:28:33,311 LIKE, I DON'T THINK I CAN GO BACK TO THAT. 546 00:28:33,378 --> 00:28:35,013 >> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE WE TALKING HERE? 547 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:35,747 >> LIKE, 12. 548 00:28:35,814 --> 00:28:37,949 >> Stephen: WERE YOU GOOD AT IT? 549 00:28:38,016 --> 00:28:39,184 WERE YOU TALENTED? 550 00:28:39,250 --> 00:28:41,019 >> I LIKED TO OVERSERVE. 551 00:28:41,086 --> 00:28:45,023 ( LAUGHTER ) I LIKED TO MAKE A BIG CONE. 552 00:28:45,090 --> 00:28:46,191 >> Stephen: YEAH. 553 00:28:46,257 --> 00:28:49,894 >> BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT A 12-YEAR-OLD AT A 554 00:28:49,961 --> 00:28:50,361 MACHINE, YOU KNOW. 555 00:28:50,428 --> 00:28:51,096 >> Stephen: YEAH. 556 00:28:51,162 --> 00:28:51,963 SHE MAKES THE DREAM CONE. 557 00:28:52,030 --> 00:28:53,631 >> I MADE THE DREAM CONE. 558 00:28:53,698 --> 00:28:56,868 >> Stephen: DID THAT UPSET YOUR BOSS THAT YOU WERE 559 00:28:56,935 --> 00:28:58,069 OVERSERVING? 560 00:28:58,136 --> 00:29:01,272 >> NO IT UPSET THESE WOMEN I HANDED THEM TO, THESE TOPPLING, 561 00:29:01,339 --> 00:29:02,807 AWKWARD THINGS THAT WERE ABOUT TO FALL OFF. 562 00:29:02,874 --> 00:29:05,009 BUT I WOULD HAVE WANTED ONE. 563 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:06,811 >> Stephen: SURE. 564 00:29:06,878 --> 00:29:08,813 WELL, I'M GLAD YOU BECAME AN ACTRESS. 565 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:09,614 >> THANK YOU SO MUCH. 566 00:29:09,681 --> 00:29:11,149 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 567 00:29:11,216 --> 00:29:12,283 >> THANK YOU, VERY NICE TO SEE YOU. 568 00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:14,018 >> Stephen: "THE FABELMANS" IS IN SELECT THEATERS NOW AND 569 00:29:14,085 --> 00:29:14,686 OPENS NATIONWIDE ON WEDNESDAY. 570 00:29:14,752 --> 00:29:17,088 MICHELLE WILLIAMS, EVERYBODY. 571 00:29:17,155 --> 00:29:18,156 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WINNERS OF TONIGHT'S "PICKLED." 572 00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:42,714 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JOSEPH. 573 00:29:42,780 --> 00:29:48,953 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 574 00:29:49,020 --> 00:29:51,856 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PREPARE YOURSELVES. 575 00:29:51,923 --> 00:29:54,792 MY NEXT GUESTS ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD'S FIRST TELEVISED 576 00:29:54,859 --> 00:29:57,795 CELEBRITY CHARITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT, "PICKLED," WHICH 577 00:29:57,862 --> 00:30:00,965 PREMIERED TONIGHT ON CBS. 578 00:30:01,032 --> 00:30:06,771 PLEASE BECOME YOUR CHAMPIONS TO "THE LATE SHOW." 579 00:30:06,838 --> 00:30:08,573 THE EMMY-AWARD WINNING HOST OF "THE AMAZING RACE," 580 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:09,807 PHIL KEOGHAN AND MULTI-PLATINUM COUNTRY MUSIC STAR, DIERKS 581 00:30:09,874 --> 00:30:14,779 BENTLEY. 582 00:30:14,846 --> 00:30:20,985 ♪ ♪ ♪ 583 00:30:26,624 --> 00:30:27,192 THE CHAMPIONS. 584 00:30:27,258 --> 00:30:30,795 GENTLEMEN. 585 00:30:30,862 --> 00:30:32,096 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU. 586 00:30:32,163 --> 00:30:32,931 >> THE COUCH. 587 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:34,766 THIS IS NICE. 588 00:30:34,832 --> 00:30:37,669 >> Stephen: GENTLEMEN, WHAT AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU BOTH HERE AS 589 00:30:37,735 --> 00:30:44,542 THE WORLD ALL NOW KNOW, YOU ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THIS YEAR'S 590 00:30:44,609 --> 00:30:45,176 INAUGURAL EPISODE OF "PICKLED." 591 00:30:45,243 --> 00:30:45,643 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 592 00:30:45,710 --> 00:30:46,911 >> IT FEELS GOOD. 593 00:30:46,978 --> 00:30:48,513 IT FEELS REAL GOOD. 594 00:30:48,580 --> 00:30:52,717 >> Stephen: WOULD YOU CARE TO CELEBRATE YOUR WIN WITH THE 595 00:30:52,784 --> 00:30:53,651 PICKLE-BACK SHOT RIGHT HERE? 596 00:30:53,718 --> 00:30:56,120 WE'VE GOT WHISKEY AND PICKLES. 597 00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:56,688 >> ANOTHER FIRST. 598 00:30:56,754 --> 00:30:57,822 >> Stephen: HERE YOU GO. 599 00:30:57,889 --> 00:31:01,626 AND HERE IS TO YOU, GENTLEMEN, VOLUNTEERING TO BE IN THIS 600 00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:04,996 CELEBRITY PICKLEBALL TOURNAMENT WHERE WE RAISED MONEY FOR COMIC 601 00:31:05,063 --> 00:31:06,798 RELIEF TO HELP CHILDREN AND FAMILIES IN CRISIS. 602 00:31:06,864 --> 00:31:08,866 >> WELL DONE, STEPHEN. 603 00:31:08,933 --> 00:31:09,701 WELL DONE. 604 00:31:09,767 --> 00:31:11,869 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HERE WE GO. 605 00:31:11,936 --> 00:31:15,707 HERE WE GO. 606 00:31:15,773 --> 00:31:16,074 MMM. 607 00:31:16,140 --> 00:31:18,042 NICELY DONE. 608 00:31:18,109 --> 00:31:18,710 MMM. 609 00:31:18,776 --> 00:31:20,111 >> CAN I HAVE ANOTHER PICKLE? 610 00:31:20,178 --> 00:31:23,348 >> Stephen: SURE, NOTHING LIKE BACKING UP YOUR VODKA WITH A 611 00:31:23,414 --> 00:31:24,349 GHERKIN. 612 00:31:24,415 --> 00:31:27,051 >> I NEVER LOVED PICKLES BEFORE I PLAYED PICKLE. 613 00:31:27,118 --> 00:31:28,253 I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. 614 00:31:28,319 --> 00:31:29,454 THESE ARE REALLY GOOD. 615 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,757 >> Stephen: SEE HOW WE'RE HELPING PEOPLE? 616 00:31:32,824 --> 00:31:35,793 YOU ARE NOW THE PROUD OWNERS OF THE COLBERT CUP. 617 00:31:35,860 --> 00:31:36,461 THERE YOU GO. 618 00:31:36,527 --> 00:31:38,830 ( APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO. 619 00:31:38,896 --> 00:31:45,803 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 620 00:31:45,870 --> 00:31:49,974 >> STEPHEN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW, BUT I LET DIERKS TAKE THE 621 00:31:50,041 --> 00:31:50,475 TROPHY. 622 00:31:50,541 --> 00:31:50,808 >> Stephen: YOU DID. 623 00:31:50,875 --> 00:31:51,809 >> I DID. 624 00:31:51,876 --> 00:31:53,177 >> Stephen: IT'S FOR A SURE. 625 00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:56,714 >> I ONLY GET IT FOR A YEAR. 626 00:31:56,781 --> 00:32:01,419 >> Stephen: YOUR TEAM, WHEN HARRY MET RALLY, DIERKS, LET ME 627 00:32:01,486 --> 00:32:04,255 ASK YOU THIS, WHAT WAS YOUR STRATEGY GOING IN? 628 00:32:04,322 --> 00:32:05,223 YOU GUYS DOMINATED. 629 00:32:05,290 --> 00:32:06,457 WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN? 630 00:32:06,524 --> 00:32:07,692 >> OUR PLAN WAS TO WIN. 631 00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:12,730 THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS, BUT IT'S NOT CALLED "SHOW FRIENDS" IT'S 632 00:32:12,797 --> 00:32:13,598 SHOW BUSINESS. 633 00:32:13,665 --> 00:32:14,799 WE WERE THERE TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS. 634 00:32:14,866 --> 00:32:15,667 AND WE DID. 635 00:32:15,733 --> 00:32:18,036 >> Stephen: YOU DID NOT MISS MANY THINGS. 636 00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:19,270 I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT. 637 00:32:19,337 --> 00:32:22,740 >> I'M GOING TO SAY EMMA, WHO WAS DIFFICULTY MOST COMPETITIVE 638 00:32:22,807 --> 00:32:25,977 OUT OF EVERYBODY -- >> Stephen: EMMA WATSON, HE IS 639 00:32:26,044 --> 00:32:28,446 TALKING ABOUT, WHO PARTNERED WITH SUGAR RAY LEONARD. 640 00:32:28,513 --> 00:32:30,214 >> I MET HER IN THE MAKEUP ROOM. 641 00:32:30,281 --> 00:32:33,484 SHE WAS GETTING HER GAME FACE ON. 642 00:32:33,551 --> 00:32:36,587 THEN-- THERE,s SHE WAS TRYING TO INTIMIDATE ALL OF US. 643 00:32:36,654 --> 00:32:39,324 SHE TOLD US SHE HAD A COACH FOR THE LAST MONTH. 644 00:32:39,390 --> 00:32:41,993 AND THEN WHEN SHE CAME OUT, THAT EVIL EYE. 645 00:32:42,060 --> 00:32:43,361 >> Stephen: I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT IT. 646 00:32:43,428 --> 00:32:45,797 >> IT GOT TO US. 647 00:32:45,863 --> 00:32:46,998 IT GOT TO US. 648 00:32:47,065 --> 00:32:50,234 OF ALL OF THINGS WE'VE DONE WE LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND WENT, 649 00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:52,870 "WE'RE NERVOUS, RIGHT?" NORMALLY, YOU CAN PREPARE 650 00:32:52,937 --> 00:32:53,504 STEPHEN. 651 00:32:53,571 --> 00:32:54,305 YOU CAN PREPARE FOR THINGS. 652 00:32:54,372 --> 00:32:56,374 I'M GOING TO SAY WE WERE UNPREPARED. 653 00:32:56,441 --> 00:32:58,009 AND WE WERE CERTAINLY UPPREPARED FOR HER. 654 00:32:58,076 --> 00:33:02,046 >> Stephen: I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THIS. 655 00:33:02,113 --> 00:33:06,217 JIMMIE ALLEN OUTED YOU, DIERKS, BECAUSE HE SAID YOU PLAY 656 00:33:06,284 --> 00:33:07,552 PICKLEBALL ON THE ROAD EVERY TIME. 657 00:33:07,618 --> 00:33:08,286 >> A COUPLE OF TIMES. 658 00:33:08,353 --> 00:33:09,787 >> Stephen: YOU SET UP A COURT-- 659 00:33:09,854 --> 00:33:12,657 >> WE SET UP COURTS IN ALL SORTS OF WEIRD PLACES. 660 00:33:12,724 --> 00:33:18,763 I DID PLAY A TOURNAMENT IN LONDON, ONTARIO, AND OUR GUITAR 661 00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:22,800 PLAYER ARE THE REIGNING CHAMPIONS OF THE 75 AND OLDER 662 00:33:22,867 --> 00:33:25,603 GROUP-- WE KIND OF LIE ABOUT OUR AGE. 663 00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:26,604 IT'S ALL ABOUT WINNING. 664 00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:30,808 WHATEVER IT TAKES, IF YOU HAVE TO FAKE YOUR AGE. 665 00:33:30,875 --> 00:33:35,012 WE'RE THE CHAMPIONS OF LONDON, ONTARIO. 666 00:33:35,079 --> 00:33:37,915 >> Stephen: PHIL, YOU HOST "THE AMAZING RACE,"s AND THOSE 667 00:33:37,982 --> 00:33:39,050 ARE TOUGH COMPETITION SHOWS. 668 00:33:39,117 --> 00:33:42,186 WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LENS AND 669 00:33:42,253 --> 00:33:45,556 ACTUALLY BEING THE PERSON HAVING TO PUT IT OUT ALL ON THE LINE 670 00:33:45,623 --> 00:33:46,758 THERE? 671 00:33:46,824 --> 00:33:48,726 >> YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU HOST A SHOW WHERE YOU'RE A MUSICIAN, OR 672 00:33:48,793 --> 00:33:51,796 YOU HOST YOUR SHOW, YOU DO THE PREPARATION, AND ALL THE NERVES 673 00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:53,064 GO AND YOU DO YOUR THING. 674 00:33:53,131 --> 00:33:54,465 I WAS SO NERVOUS. 675 00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:57,268 AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO BE, BUT YOU 676 00:33:57,335 --> 00:33:57,935 WERE. 677 00:33:58,002 --> 00:33:58,970 >> I WAS REALLY NERVOUS. 678 00:33:59,036 --> 00:34:01,205 >> I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT STAYING OUT OF THE KITCHEN. 679 00:34:01,272 --> 00:34:03,775 I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THE RULES OF PICKLE. 680 00:34:03,841 --> 00:34:05,309 I PLAYED TENNIS WHEN I WAS A KID. 681 00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:06,811 BUT THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH IT. 682 00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:09,480 AND WE WERE REALLY-- WE WERE A NERVOUS WRECK GOING INTO IT. 683 00:34:09,547 --> 00:34:12,316 >> Stephen: THE SECRET TO PICKLEBALL, IN MY OPINION, IS 684 00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:15,787 THE BEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD IS ABOUT TWICE AS GOOD AS THE WORST 685 00:34:15,853 --> 00:34:16,554 PLAYER IN THE WORLD. 686 00:34:16,621 --> 00:34:18,890 YOU CAN GRADE PICKLEBALL PLAYERS-- 687 00:34:18,956 --> 00:34:20,057 >> YOU'RE ALREADY AT 90%. 688 00:34:20,124 --> 00:34:24,061 >> Stephen: ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TWO, THAT'S HOW YOU RATE 689 00:34:24,128 --> 00:34:25,029 PICKLEBALL PLAYERS. 690 00:34:25,096 --> 00:34:28,433 YOU CAME IN AS A SOLID ONE AND ENDED AS A TWO. 691 00:34:28,499 --> 00:34:29,567 >> THAT'S ALL IT TOOK. 692 00:34:29,634 --> 00:34:32,970 >> I FELT LIKE AN IMPOSTOR, TRUTH BE TOLD, I WAS KIND OF 693 00:34:33,037 --> 00:34:36,974 CALLED IN AT THE LAST MINUTE -- >> Stephen: WE HAD ANOTHER 694 00:34:37,041 --> 00:34:38,876 PLAYER TESTED POSITIVE AT THE LAST MOMENT. 695 00:34:38,943 --> 00:34:41,546 >> MORE FAMOUS THAN ME. 696 00:34:41,612 --> 00:34:44,615 >> I WAS 26 HOURS' WARNING I THINK IT WAS. 697 00:34:44,682 --> 00:34:47,785 AND THE EXECUTIVE AT CBS AND CALLED ME AND SAID, "I JUST 698 00:34:47,852 --> 00:34:50,788 NOTICED, PHIL, THAT YOUR NAME IS NOT ONs LIST." 699 00:34:50,855 --> 00:34:54,158 I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?" AND THEY WERE LIKE, "WHEN I 700 00:34:54,225 --> 00:34:56,694 FOUND OUT, I HAD TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." 701 00:34:56,761 --> 00:35:00,198 AND I SAD, ALL RIGHT, WHO GOT SICK?" 702 00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:03,568 AND THERE WAS SILENCE AND, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON FRIDAY?" 703 00:35:03,634 --> 00:35:06,137 >> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE THE CHAMPION AFTER NOT TRAINING AT 704 00:35:06,204 --> 00:35:09,774 ALL, AND EMMA WATSON IS OVER THERE, M.V.P. 705 00:35:09,841 --> 00:35:13,744 >> EMMA WATSON LIKE METHOD ACTED HER WAY THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. 706 00:35:13,811 --> 00:35:18,683 I DON'T THINK SHE PLAYED PICKLEBALL AT ALL, SHE HIRED 707 00:35:18,749 --> 00:35:19,517 SOMEBODY. 708 00:35:19,584 --> 00:35:21,953 >> SHE PUT MEs IN, LIKE, LITTLE BLOOD. 709 00:35:22,019 --> 00:35:24,088 >> Stephen: YOU SAID EMMA WATSON DREW BLOOD ON YOU? 710 00:35:24,155 --> 00:35:26,891 >> WHEN I WENT INTO THE BACK RAWL-- 711 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:30,828 >> HE GOT HURT, AND SHE SMILED AND KIND OF LAUGHED ABOUT IT. 712 00:35:30,895 --> 00:35:45,776 SHE THAT? 713 00:35:45,843 --> 00:35:47,144 SHE THAT? 714 00:35:47,211 --> 00:35:53,985 >> HE PLAYS TRAVEL HOCKEY, I'M A TRAVEL HOCKEY DAD, AND MY WIFE 715 00:35:54,051 --> 00:35:56,120 TRAVELS,s TOO SPEAKING ABOUT MOTIVATION. 716 00:35:56,187 --> 00:36:00,124 I'M ALL ABOUT FINDING WAYS TO MOTIVATE MYSELF, AND MOTIVATE MY 717 00:36:00,191 --> 00:36:04,562 FAMILY, AND KNOX'S TEAM WAS OFF TO A SLOW START AND WE AND THE 718 00:36:04,629 --> 00:36:07,698 DADS HAD AN IDEA, TELL THEM IF THEY WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP WE'D 719 00:36:07,765 --> 00:36:08,799 TAKE THEM TO HOOTERS. 720 00:36:08,866 --> 00:36:10,601 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT. 721 00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:11,736 THEY WON. 722 00:36:11,802 --> 00:36:15,773 THEY DIDN'T LET A GOAL GO IN FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES. 723 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:17,542 >> Stephen: HOW OLD IS HE? 724 00:36:17,608 --> 00:36:18,175 >> NINE. 725 00:36:18,242 --> 00:36:19,443 >> Stephen: DAD OF THE YEAR. 726 00:36:19,510 --> 00:36:22,880 THAT'S ABOUT AS OLD AS A PERSON SHOULD BE AND STILL ENJOY GOING 727 00:36:22,947 --> 00:36:24,115 TO HOOTERS. 728 00:36:24,181 --> 00:36:24,749 ( LAUGHTER ). 729 00:36:24,815 --> 00:36:26,884 >> IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WINGS. 730 00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:29,887 >> Stephen: LISTEN, PEOPLE KNOW YOU AS A WORLD-CLASS 731 00:36:29,954 --> 00:36:32,189 PICKLEBALL PLAYER MOSTLY AT THIS POINT. 732 00:36:32,256 --> 00:36:35,126 BUT YOU DO STILL PLAY COUNTRY MUSIC. 733 00:36:35,192 --> 00:36:36,360 >> JUST FOR YOU. 734 00:36:36,427 --> 00:36:37,762 >> Stephen: YOU CAN SHARE WITH THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO 735 00:36:37,828 --> 00:36:38,896 BE DOING? 736 00:36:38,963 --> 00:36:42,767 >> I HAVE A BRAND NEW SONG, CALLED "GOLD" COMING OUT IN 737 00:36:42,833 --> 00:36:46,737 FEBRUARY, I GUESS, AND IT'S ALL ABOUT PICKLEBALL, FOLK S. 738 00:36:46,804 --> 00:36:48,506 >> Stephen: DIERKS, CONGRATULATIONS. 739 00:36:48,573 --> 00:36:50,007 PHIL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, MAN. 740 00:36:50,074 --> 00:36:50,908 THERE YOU GO. 741 00:36:50,975 --> 00:36:56,180 THE WINNERS OF THE COLBERT CUP. 742 00:36:56,247 --> 00:36:57,882 YOU CAN STREAM "PICKLED" ON PARAMOUNT+ AND CATCH PHIL ON 743 00:36:57,949 --> 00:37:00,084 "THE AMAZING RACE" AND "TOUGH AS NAILS" WHICH PREMIERES JANUARY 744 00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:00,985 4th. 745 00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:03,888 DIERKS BENTLEY AND PHIL KEOGHAN, EVERYBODY. 746 00:37:03,955 --> 00:37:05,957 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY DIERKS. 747 00:37:24,475 --> 00:37:25,109 >> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING HIS LATEST SINGLE, "GOLD," 748 00:37:25,176 --> 00:37:31,749 DIERKS BENTLEY. 749 00:37:31,816 --> 00:37:36,787 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 750 00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:41,058 >> ♪ IT AIN'T EASY NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE 751 00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:43,194 ♪ YOU FINALLY FIND THAT GREENER GRASS 752 00:37:43,260 --> 00:37:48,733 ♪ BUT YOU'RE STILL IN THE WEEDS AIN'T IT CRAZY 753 00:37:48,799 --> 00:37:51,335 ♪ ALL THE TIME THAT YOU SPEND DRIVIN' THROUGH THE RAINBOW FOR 754 00:37:51,402 --> 00:37:55,840 ♪ THE POT AT THE END I GOT SOME RUST ON MY CHEVY BUT 755 00:37:55,906 --> 00:38:00,778 ♪ IT'S READY TO ROLL I GOT A RHINESTONE SKY AND A 756 00:38:00,845 --> 00:38:04,749 ♪ SONG IN MY SOUL IT AIN'T A SMOOTH RIDE, LIFE, 757 00:38:04,815 --> 00:38:19,697 ♪ IT'S A WINDING ROAD YEAH, IT MIGHT BE GRAVEL, 758 00:38:19,764 --> 00:38:20,665 ♪ IT'S A WINDING ROAD YEAH, IT MIGHT BE GRAVEL, 759 00:38:20,731 --> 00:38:28,706 ♪ I'VE BEEN CLIMBING TRYNA GET TO THE VIEW 760 00:38:28,773 --> 00:38:35,513 ♪ I'M AT THE BOTTOM BUT THE SKY'S STILL PRETTY DAMN BLUE 761 00:38:35,579 --> 00:38:37,715 THEY SAY HEAVEN ♪ IS SOMEWHERE ON THE OTHER SIDE 762 00:38:37,782 --> 00:38:40,718 BUT I AIN'T WAITIN' ♪ HELL, I'M THINKIN', IT'S A 763 00:38:40,785 --> 00:38:43,621 STATE OF MIND ♪ I GOT SOME RUST ON MY CHEVY 764 00:38:43,688 --> 00:38:46,991 BUT IT'S READY TO ROLL ♪ I GOT A RHINESTONE SKY AND A 765 00:38:47,058 --> 00:38:48,726 SONG IN MY SOUL ♪ IT AIN'T A SMOOTH RIDE, LIFE, 766 00:38:48,793 --> 00:38:52,763 IT'S A WINDING ROAD ♪ YEAH, IT MIGHT BE GRAVEL, BUT 767 00:38:52,830 --> 00:39:00,805 IT FEELS LIKE GOLD ♪ YEAH, IT FEELS LIKE GOLD 768 00:39:00,871 --> 00:39:08,012 YEAH, IT FEELS LIKE GOLD ♪ ♪ ♪ 769 00:39:08,079 --> 00:39:10,514 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ GOT MY BABY SITTIN' BY ME 770 00:39:10,581 --> 00:39:16,887 SHININ' LIKE A DIAMOND ♪ ONLY SILVER LININGS IN THE 771 00:39:16,954 --> 00:39:22,727 CLOUDS ♪ YEAH, AND IF IT STARTS TO RAIN 772 00:39:22,793 --> 00:39:27,865 I DON'T WORRY 'BOUT A THING ♪ I PULL MY ROSE-COLORED 773 00:39:27,932 --> 00:39:30,201 RAY-BANS OUT ♪ I GOT SOME RUST ON MY CHEVY 774 00:39:30,267 --> 00:39:34,305 BUT IT'S READY TO ROLL ♪ I GOT A RHINESTONE SKY AND A 775 00:39:34,371 --> 00:39:39,310 SONG IN MY SOUL ♪ IT AIN'T A SMOOTH RIDE, LIFE, 776 00:39:39,376 --> 00:39:42,747 IT'S A WINDING ROAD ♪ YEAH, IT MIGHT BE GRAVEL, BUT 777 00:39:42,813 --> 00:39:51,355 IT FEELS LIKE GOLD ♪ YEAH, IT FEELS LIKE GOLD 778 00:39:51,422 --> 00:39:54,225 YEAH, IT DOES ♪ YEAH, IT FEELS LIKE GOLD 779 00:39:54,291 --> 00:39:57,294 IT AIN'T A SMOOTH RIDE, LIFE, ♪ IT'S A WINDING ROAD 780 00:39:57,361 --> 00:40:03,367 YEAH, IT MIGHT BE GRAVEL, ♪ BUT IT FEELS LIKE GOLD 781 00:40:03,434 --> 00:40:05,436 ONE, TWO, THREE ♪ ♪ 782 00:40:12,977 --> 00:40:15,346 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 783 00:40:15,412 --> 00:40:19,950 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, DIERKS. 784 00:40:20,017 --> 00:40:20,684 DIERKS BENTLEY, EVERYBODY! 785 00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:21,385 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 786 00:40:21,452 --> 00:40:23,454 GOOD NIGHT.