>> THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED FIFA
WORLD CUP KICKED OFF THIS WEEKEND IN QATAR.
QATAR SPENT BILLIONS ON INFRASTRUCTURE AHEAD OF THE
TOURNAMENT, BUT HUMAN RIGHTS GROUPS SAY THOUSANDS OF WORKERS
DIED IN THE PROCESS, AND BEING OPENLY GAY IN QATAR IS ILLEGAL.
>> THE ITALIAN SWISS FIFA PRESIDENT, GIANNI INFANTINO,
LASHED OUT IN A LENGTHY DEFENSE ON THE EVE OF THE TOURNAMENT.
>> IT WAS, I'VE GOT TO SAY, A PRETTY STRANGE PRESS CONFERENCE.
( SUNG TO "I FEEL PRETTY" )
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: DANIEL CRAIG
AND COMEDIAN JOSH JOHNSON
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HAVE A SEAT,
EVERYBODY. WHAT'S UP.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S REALLY BEGINNING TO
LOOK LIKE THERE MAY POSSIBLY BE A SMALL CHANCE OF, SOME TIME IN
THE FUTURE, CONSEQUENCES FOR FORMER PRESIDENT, PEPTO ABYSMAL,
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, ATTORNEY
GENERAL MERRICK GARLAND NAMED A SPECIAL COUNSEL TO PROBE THE
FORMER PRESIDENT. IT'S FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR
AND GENERAL ZOD'S COUSIN, JACK SMITH.
KNEEL BEFORE SMITH. JACK SMITH-- IF THAT IS HIS REAL
NAME-- HAS A HELL OF A RESUME. TO TAKE THIS ASSIGNMENT, HE HAD
TO LEAVE HIS CURRENT JOB AT THE HAGUE, WERE HE INVESTIGATED WAR
CRIMES IN KOSOVO. SO HE'S PERFECT TO GO AFTER THE
EX-PRESIDENT. HE ALREADY HAS EXPERIENCE
DEALING WITH DISASTERS THAT PEAKED IN THE 90s.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SMITH IS GOING TO TAKE OVER BOTH THE JANUARY 6 AND THE MAR-A-LAGO
DOCUMENTS CASES, AND A LOT OF LEGAL EXPERTS BELIEVE THIS MEANS
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULD BE HEADED FOR TROUBLE.
THEY'RE NOT ALONE. EVEN BEFORE SMITH WAS TAPPED,
FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR SAID THIS:
>> I PERSONALLY THINK THAT THEY PROBABLY HAVE THE BASIS FOR
LEGITIMATELY INDICTING THE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: WELL, I PERSONALLY THINK I CAN'T PERSONALLY GO
THROUGH THIS AGAIN, BILL BARR ( LAUGHTER )
YOU, BILL BARR, AFTER YOU REDACTED THE MUELLER REPORT.
WELL, YOU CAN'T REDACT MY FEELINGS!
IT'S ALWAYS MUELLER TIME IN HERE.
NOW THAT SAID-- ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S MUELLER TIME, MUELLER TIME. THIS NEWS DOES MAKE IT SEEM LIKE
THERE'S AN INDICTMENT AROUND THE CORNER.
AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD A WEIRD REACTION, SAYING, "I AM
NOT GOING TO PARTAKE IN IT. I'M NOT GOING TO PARTAKE IN
THIS." OH, HE DOESN'T WANT TO PARTAKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NO LAWYER, BUT I DIDN'T
REALIZE THAT WAS ONE OF THE OPTIONS: THE SUSPECT DOES NOT
WANT TO PARTAKE IN THE INVESTIGATION.
"YOUR HONOR, WHILE, ADMITTEDLY, THE PROSECUTION DOES HAVE
OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE OF HIS GUILT, MY CLIENT PLEADS 'NOT
FEELIN' IT.'" ( LAUGHTER )
GET SOME GOOD NEWS THIS WEEKEND, BECAUSE ON SATURDAY, ELON MUSK
REINSTATED HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT. ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
NO, NO, ELON, I WON'T GO BACK. THE RACISM, THE MISSPELLING, THE
CALLS TO VIOLENCE, THE "DOT, DOT, DOTS."
REMEMBER? REMEMBER THE DOT, DOT, DOTS?
REMEMBER THE (BLEEP) COVFEFE? I AM NOT, I AM NOT--
( APPLAUSE ) I AM NOT GOING TO PARTAKE
IN IT. OF COURSE, MUSK, EVER THE
GENIUS, APPROACHED THE DECISION SCIENTIFICALLY, WITH A TWITTER
POLL. THE FORMER PRESIDENT WON WITH AN
OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF 51.8%.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR MUSK, WHO ANNOUNCED THE REINSTATEMENT WITH
THE LATIN PHRASE, "VOX POPULI, VOX DEI," WHICH
MEANS "THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE IS THE VOICE OF GOD."
WELL, I TOOK A LITTLE PIG LATIN IN COLLEGE, SO LET ME RESPOND BY
SAYING: "UCK-SAY AN AG-BAY OF ICKS-DAY."
SOY-- ( APPLAUSE )
SO MUSK GOES, "BASED ON A 1.8% MAJORITY IN A COMPLETELY MADE-UP
POLL RIDDLED WITH BOTS, I'M SUPER COOL WITH REINSTATING A
MANIAC WHOSE LAST TWEETS CELEBRATED A VIOLENT COUP
ATTEMPT ON CAPITOL HILL. AND IN RETURN FOR THAT COMPLETE
MORAL DEBASEMENT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAID: "NO, THANKS."
LOOK WHAT HE SAID, ELON. >> HE DID PUT UP A POLL, AND I
HEAR IT'S VERY OVERWHELMING, VERY STRONG.
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED TRUMP-- IF YOU LOOK, IT'S TRUMP
OWNED, BUT IT'S-- IT'S REALLY FANTASTIC, TRUTH SOCIAL.
>> Stephen: HE COULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE NAME OF HIS OWN
FAILED ONLINE HATE BUCKET! HE'S GOT TO BE THE WORST
HUCKSTER OF ALL TIME. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEP
RIGHT UP AND SAMPLE "DOCTOR... WHAT'S MY NAME?
EH, DR. DOCTORSON'S MAGIC ELIXIR, GUARANTEED TO CURE OR
GIVE YOU STUFF, AND THINGS. WAIT, COME BACK!
DID I MENTION IT HAS MERCURY?!"
NOW, TURNING TO OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT, TODAY WAS THE ANNUAL
TURKEY PARDON, A DAY WHEN THIS COUNTRY'S MOST NOTORIOUS TURKEY
CRIMINALS WALK FREE. AND THEN AROUND IN CIRCLES.
AND THEN BONK INTO A TREE. THEN, IF IT RAINS, THEY LOOK UP
AND THEY DROWN. THEY'RE VERY DUMB.
THIS YEAR'S-- YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T LEAVE TURKEYS OUTSIDE BECAUSE IF IT RAINS, THEY LOOK
UP AND THEY DROWN. ( LAUGHTER )
NO LETTERS, PLEASE. "DEAR CBS, AS A MEMBER OF THE
TURKEY COMMUNITY..." THIS YEAR'S--
( APPLAUSE ) ( GOBBLING )
THIS YEAR'S LUCKY TURKEYS ARE CHOCOLATE AND CHIP.
AND THE PRESIDENT KICKED IT OFF BY WELCOMING THE FOLKS WHO CAME
TO LOOK AT THE CONFUSED BIRDS. >> IT IS A WONDERFUL
THANKSGIVING TRADITION AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
THERE IS A LOT TO SAY ABOUT IT, BUT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDE, SO I
I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS SHORT. NOBODY LIKES IT WHEN THEIR
TURKEY GETS COLD. >> Stephen: YEAH.
NOBODY LIKES TURKEY WHEN IT'S COLD.
WHO EVER HEARD OF A TURKEY SANDWICH!
UGH. ESPECIALLY WITH A LITTLE
CRANBERRY SAUCE, STUFFIN' ON THERE, EATING IT 1:00 A.M. WHILE
WATCHING "FORGED IN FIRE" WITH THE DOG.
TO HIS CREDIT, THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T HOG THE MIC.
>> ANYWAY, YOU WANT TO TALK?
YEAH. >> Stephen: HE'S DOING TURKEY
CROWD WORK! "ALL RIGHT, WHO HERE'S FROM A
FACTORY FARM, RAISE YOUR WING. DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THEY
DON'T WARM UP THE BASTER? ANYWAY, GOBBLE GOBBLE,
THAT'S MY SET. TIP YOUR HANDLER!"
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S ALWAYS IN THERE.
THIS WEEKEND, THERE WERE SOME OTHER BIG EVENTS AT THE WHITE
HOUSE. OH, ON SUNDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN
CELEBRATED HIS 80th BIRTHDAY. ( APPLAUSE ).
GIVE IT UP! 80!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR! REMEMBER, YOU'RE ONLY AS OLD AS
THE NUMBER OF YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE, WHICH IS AN
UNPRECEDENTED NUMBER FOR THE JOB THAT YOU HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK HIS AGE IS ACTUALLY A
STRENGTH AT THIS POINT. THE WORLD'S SO CRAZY, I LOVE
HAVING THE STABILITY AND WISDOM OF THOSE CROWNED WITH MANY
WINTERS, A MAN WHO HAS FIRSTHAND MEMORIES OF BIPARTISANSHIP, OF A
SHARED VISION OF AMERICA, OF A TIME WHEN ICE CAME IN WAGONS.
THIS BIRTHDAY MAKES BIDEN THE OLDEST PRESIDENT IN U.S.
HISTORY. THE YOUNGEST, OF COURSE, WAS
PRESIDENT BABY TAFT. WHO COULD FORGET HIS CAMPAIGN
SLOGAN: "MORE!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND-- IS THIS TRUE? IT'S TIME FOR SPORT.
YESTERDAY WAS THE KICKOFF OF THE WORLD CUP.
A GLOBAL PHENOMENON, IT'S BEEN CALLED THE SUPER BOWL OF
FOOTBALL. TODAY, OUR BOYS ON THE U.S.
MEN'S NATIONAL TEAM TOOK ON WALES, AND THE WINNER WAS
NO ONE! THEY TIED, 1-1.
WHICH MAY SOUND BORING, BUT IT'S FUN IN METRIC.
THIS YEAR, THE TOURNAMENT'S BEING HELD IN QATAR, A CHOICE
MADE BY FIFA WHICH IS-- AND I DON'T WANT TO OVERSTATE THIS--
THE MOST CORRUPT ORGANIZAION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
SO MUCH SO-- ( APPLAUSE )
I GOT SOMETHING. I LOT A LITTLE SOMETHING.
SO MUCH SO THAT THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE SAYS FIFA
OFFICIALS GAVE QATAR THE HOSTING RIGHTS BECAUSE THEY WERE BRIBED.
AND I'M SORRY, I DON'T CARE WHO HEARS ME, I'M GOING TO STAY UP
HERE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND. SAY THAT ABOUT FIFA EVERY NIGHT,
UNLESS IT TURNS OUT FIFA IS A SPONSOR.
( LAUGHTER ) NO.
( APPLAUSE ) OF REASONS.
ONE, THEIR AVERAGE NIGHT-TIME TEMPERATURE IS WHAT
METEOROLOGISTS CALL, "THE DEVIL'S GRUNDLE."
PLUS, THEY HAVE AN ATROCIOUS HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD, AND THEIR
LAWS MAKE HOMOSEXUALITY ILLEGAL AND PUNISHABLE BY UP TO THREE
YEARS IN PRISON, AND SEVERELY CURTAIL WOMEN'S RIGHTS TO MARRY,
STUDY, WORK, AND TRAVEL. BUT THAT'S ALL THINGS, EXPLAINS
THEIR TRAVEL CAMPAIGN FOR WOMEN: "SIT QUIETLY!
VISIT QATAR!" ( LAUGHTER )
BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT, FIFA INSISTED THAT THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANY DISCRIMINATION, SAYING "EVERYONE WILL BE WELCOME" AT
THE WORLD CUP. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, QATARI
OFFICIALS WARNED L.G.B.T.Q. SOCCER FANS AGAINST "PUBLIC
DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION," AND SAID PEOPLE WILL NOT BE PERMITTED TO
GO SHIRTLESS DURING MATCHES OR IN PUBLIC SETTINGS.
NO PROBLEM. I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE AT A
SOCCER GAME WOULD EVER GO SHIRTLESS.
THEY'RE JUST NOT-- ( APPLAUSE )
THAT MESSY? THAT WAS MESSY?
THEY'RE NOT JUST ANTI-GAY. THEY'RE ANTI-FUN.
BECAUSE AFTER SAYING IT WOULD BE FINE TO SELL ALCOHOL AT THE
GAMES, QATAR BANNED BEER SALES, LEAVING TOURNAMENT SPONSOR
BUDWEISER STUCK WITH A MASSIVE WAREHOUSE FULL OF BEER, WHICH IT
SAYS WILL GO TO THE WINNING COUNTRY.
( LAUGHTER ) CELEBRATION LIKE THAT?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS DANIEL CRAIG.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ARE YOU GETTING SCAMMED ON YOUR
DATING APP? ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, EVERYBODY!
BAN, IT IS NICE. I GOTTA TELL YOU, IT'S A REALLY
SPECIAL IGHT FOR ME WITH THE BAND BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HAD THE
FULL BAND BACK TOGETHER IN TWO WEEKS.
>> Louis: TWO WEEKEND. >> Stephen: WE HAD SOME PEOPLE
UP THERE WITH THE COVID TAKING IT EASY.
EVERYBODY FEEL OKAY? >> Louis: YES.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN BIDSY AT THE SAME TIME.
NEGA SANTOS, YOUR ALBUM WAS RELEASED.
>> IT'S A TRIBUTE TO MY FAMILY, MY FAMILY A HOME TOWN, MY
HEROES. KATO IS THE PRODUCER OF THE
ALBUM. >> Stephen: AND BOUCHER, YOU
HAVE A RESIDENCY AT THE BLUE NOTE OVER THANKSGIVING WEEK.
CHECK IT OUT IF YOU'RE IN NEW YORK CITY.
>> YES. >> Stephen: AND IS THIS TRUE,
LOUIS CATO, LOUIS BOUCHER, AND JOHN LAMPELY JOIN DAVE MATTHEWS
AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON FRIDAY.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE. >> Louis: THAT IS TRUE, VERY
TRUE. IT WAS VERY SPECIAL.
IT WAS INCREDIBLE. >> Stephen: WOW.
WELL I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU GUYS BACK.
>> Louis: GOOD TO BE BACK, SO GLAD TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: I'M ALSO GLAD THAT OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS A LITTLE
GUY NAMED DANIEL CRAIG. YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF HIM.
>> Louis: SOME GUY, SOME GUY. >> Stephen: A BUDDY OF MINE.
SO I LOOKED FORWARD TO THAT. FOLKS, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,
ALL OF US HERE WANTED TO SEND OUR LOVE TO THE PEOPLE OF
COLORADO SPRINGS, ESPECIALLY THE L.G.B.T.Q.I.+
COMMUNITY THERE, AFTER YET ANOTHER DERANGED GUNMAN, WITH A
CRIMINAL AND UNSTABLE HISTORY, ARMED WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE,
KILLED FIVE PEOPLE AND WOUNDED 25 OTHERS SATURDAY NIGHT AT
CLUB Q. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN
FEAR BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE OR WHO YOU LOVE OR WHO YOU ARE OR
WHO YOU JUST WANNA DANCE WITH. AUTHORITIES SAY IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN EVEN WORSE, BUT THE GUNMAN WAS SUBDUED BY WHAT IS BEING
DESCRIBED AS "HEROIC PATRONS." I, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, SALUTE
THE COURAGE OF THESE HEROIC PATRONS.
BUT JUST HEARING THAT TERM MAKES ME MAD.
WHY DO WE CONSTANTLY HAVE TO HAVE "HEROIC PATRONS," OR
"HEROIC TEACHERS," OR "HEROIC BYSTANDERS"?
HOW ABOUT SOME HEROIC POLITICIANS WHO WILL DO ANYTHIN
( APPLAUSE ) VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY?
OR A HEROIC JUSTICE SYSTEM THAT STOPS A DANGEROUS PERSON LIKE
THIS WITH A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE FROM GETTING ACCESS TO THESE
WEAPONS OF WAR? ( APPLAUSE )
COURT THAT RECOGNIZES THAT, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO INTERPRET
IT, THE SECOND AMENDMENT, AS IT IS CURRENTLY APPLIED, IS A
COMPLETE FAILURE? ( APPLAUSE )
GOING TO TAKE HEROIC VOTERS, WHO WILL TOSS OUT THE PEOPLE WHO
CYNICALLY TARGET MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES FOR THEIR OWN
POLITICAL GAIN AND THEN TAKE MONEY FROM THESE GHOULISH
WEAPONS MANUFACTURERS WHO PROFIT OFF OF FEAR SO THAT THE REST OF
US, EVERY WEEK, NEED TO HONOR A NEW GROUP OF HEROIC PATRONS.
( APPLAUSE ) WATCHES THE SHOW-- AND I HOPE
YOU DO-- KNOWS THAT I LOVE, LOVE.
I LOVE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.
AND THEY ALSO KNOW IN THE WORLD OF LOVING, ONLINE DATING IS THE
HOT NEW TREND FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) CHANGE, BECAUSE DATING APPS ARE
NOW CRAWLING WITH SCAMMERS WHO "STRIKE UP A RELATIONSHIP AND
ASK FOR MONEY," OR "BOTS WHICH INFECT YOUR DEVICE WITH
MALWARE." AND IF YOUR DEVICE IS INFECTED
WITH MALWARE, YOU SHOULD REALLY DISCLOSE THAT TO ANY BLUETOOTH
YOU'RE ABOUT TO PAIR WITH. BUT ONE COMPANY HAS EVEN TRIED
TO STOP ALL THIS FRAUD BY MAKING A NEW DATING APP WHICH HOOKS UP
SCAMMERS ONLY WITH BOTS. ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NICE. IT'S A NICE IDEA, BUT I THINK
THE BOT'S COVER IS GONNA GET BLOWN PRETTY QUICK.
( IN ROBOT VOICE ) SELECTING ALL THE SQUARES
CONTAINING BICYCLES." ( LAUGHTER )
OTHER SCAMMERS, SO THEY END UP TRYING TO SCAM EACH OTHER.
AS ONE COMPANY EXEC PUT IT: "THEY ARE LIKE, 'I WANT $40 FOR
A GOOGLE PLAY GIFT CARD,' AND THE OTHER SCAMMER REPLIES, 'NO,
NO, YOU GIVE A GIFT CARD TO ME.' AND THEY JUST KEEP ARGUING."
WOW, THAT IS SAD... WHO USES GOOGLE PLAY?
THAT IS A LOW-RENT GRIFT. "FELLAS, I'VE BEEN STRINGING
THIS GIRL ALONG FOR TWO WEEKS, AND TONIGHT, I'VE ROPED HER INTO
MEETING ME IN A DENNY'S PARKING LOT, AND SHE'S GONNA HAND OVER A
HALF-COMPLETED SUBWAY REWARDS CARD.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, I'M GONE!"
SO IT'S A SHAME TO HEAR THAT SINGLES ARE GETTING BURNED OUT
ON DATING APPS. "80% OF 18- TO 54-YEAR-OLD USERS
REPORTED EMOTIONAL FATIGUE FROM ONLINE DATING."
NO, NO, 18-YEAR-OLDS, YOU DO NOT GET TO FEEL EMOTIONAL FATIGUE!
OR ANY KIND OF FATIGUE. YOU'RE STILL FULL OF COLLAGEN--
OH, YOUR KNEES DON'T SOUND LIKE COKE CANS FULL OF BABY TEETH?
NO FATIGUE FOR YOU! ONE USER WAS SICK OF THE FACT
THAT DATING APPS "HAD TAKEN HER TIME, MONEY, AND ENERGY, WHILE
GIVING HER NOTHING IN RETURN." BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT
SHOULD TAKE YOUR TIME, MONEY, AND ENERGY FOR NOTHING IN RETURN
IS THE GYM. I DID A CRUNCH LAST WEEK.
WHERE ARE MY ABS? ANOTHER USER WAS TIRED OF THE
DISAPPOINTMENT, SAYING, "IMAGINE ANTICIPATING RECEIVING SOMETHING
GOOD FOR YEARS, EXISTING IN THAT STATE OF 'ANY DAY NOW' FOR AN
EXTREMELY EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME."
OH, I CAN IMAGINE IT. IT'S CALLED WAITING FOR
"THE WINDS OF WINTER." ( LAUGHTER )
STOP WASTING TIME SHOPPING ON hats-'n-suspenders.com.
SO NOW PEOPLE ARE ABANDONING DATING APPS ALTOGETHER.
THE NEW THING IS CREATING "DATE ME DOCS," IN WHICH "USERS
LAY DOWN THEIR REAL IDEAS ABOUT LOVE AND THE TYPE OF PARTNERS
THEY WANT ON DROPBOX PAPER, GOOGLE DOCS, OR ON PERSONAL
WEBSITES." ONE USER'S DOC HAD FOUR
CHAPTERS AND 15 SUBCATEGORIES. PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT,
"I LOVE THE ARDUOUS, HEARTBREAKING SEARCH FOR A LIFE
PARTNER, BUT I JUST WISH THERE WAS HOMEWORK."
ANOTHER USER SHARED A LINK TO A PAGE WITH TESTIMONIALS FROM PAST
PARTNERS. THAT'S JUST YELP FOR HUMAN
BEINGS: "JOHN IS HEALTHY AND LOCATED IN
A GREAT PART OF TOWN. FOUR STARS.
WOULD DATE AGAIN. P.S.: DINNER'S ON HIM WITH PROMO
CODE DATEJOHN." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANIEL
CRAIG. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM
THE JAMES BOND FILMS, "LOGAN LUCKY," AND "KNIVES OUT."
HE'S BACK AS DETECTIVE BENOIT BLANC IN "GLASS ONION: A KNIVES
OUT MYSTERY." >> THIS IS JUST LIKE THE OTHER
ONES, BUT I DIDN'T SEND IT TO YOU.
>> HOW MANY OF THESE BOXES DID YOU CREATE?
>> FIVE, ONE FOR EACH OF MY FRIENDS.
>> THERE ARE NO PROTOTYPES. >> MY PUZZLE GUY BARELY GOT THE
FIVE DONE IN TIME. >> ONCE THE BOXES ARE OPENED AND
THE PUZZLE IS COMPLETED, IS THERE ANY WAY TO CLOSE THEM
AGAIN, TO RESET THEM? >> HANG ON.
HANG ON. SOMEONE RESET THE BOX!
THEY SENT IT TO YOU AS A GAG.
MILES IS DOING A MURDER MYSTERY. LET'S INNOVATE BENOITPERSPECTIVE
FREAKING BLANC. >> I AM MORTIFIED.
>> WHY? I HAVE THE PREEMINENT DETECTIVE
IN THE WORLD AT MY MURDER MYSTERY PARTY.
THAT IS SO LEGIT. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK
TO "THE LATE SHOW," DANIEL CRAIG.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE
( APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: NICE TU YOU CAUGHT ME BACK HERE.
I HAD A SURPRISE FOR YOU. WOULD YOU CARE FOR A COCKTAIL?
>> SURE. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO. I HAD AN OPPORTUNITYITY TO
INTERVIEW FOR THE FILM FESTIVAL. BELVEDERE VOTEICA.
THIS IS JUST A COINCIDENCE IT'S HERE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DANCE FOR YOUR COCKTAIL AROUND HERE.
>> ARE YOU SURE. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU TAKE
IT? >> DO YOU HAVE ANY SODA.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE SODA WATER HERE.
>> A LITTLE LIME. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU CALL
THAT DRINK AGAIN? >> YOU CALL IT...
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, A WHAT? WHAT, DANIEL CRAIG, WHAT DO YOU
CALL THE DRINK? >> I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE
SPACE. >> Stephen: IT IS.
>> WE CALL IT A SKINNY BITCH. >> Stephen: EXACTLY WHAT YOU
ARE, YOU SKINNY BITCH, HERE'S YOUR DRINK RIGHT NOW.
I'LL HIT YOU WITH A LITTLE BIT OF THAT.
>> THANK YOU. DO YOU HAVE ANY ICE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE ICE. DON'T WORRY, THIS IS A
FULL-SERVICE BAR. NOW, WHEN I WAS ON CABLE, I
DIDN'T HAVE ICE. BUT I'M ON NETWORK NOW, WE CAN
AFFORD ICE. "DAILY SHOW"" DOESN'T HAVE ICE.
WE HAVE ICE HERE. HERE'S THE THING, I WILL LET YOU
IN ON A TRADE SECRET-- I DON'T A A CHANCE TO WATCH ALL THE MOVIES
OF THE PEOPLE WHO COME ON THE SHOW.
I KNOW THAT IS SHOCKING TO HEAR-- CHEERS.
NOT ONLY HAVE I SEEN "GLASS ONION" BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
IT AGAIN. IT'S AN INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING,
TERKY FUNNY MUST HAVE. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: HERE'S TO IT. >> HERE'S TO YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) WAS-- WAS IT AS FUN TO MAKE AS
IT LOOKS? BECAUSE IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE A
GROUP OF FRIENDS-- >> IS SOMEONE TALKING?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A LIGHT WEIGHT, THERE YOU GO.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE REALLY HAVING A TON OF FUN DOING A
REALLY GOOD MOVIE WITH A BUNCH OF REALLY GREAT PEOPLE.
>> WHEN YOU STICK THOSE PEOPLE IN A ROOM TOGETHER, SOMETHNG IS
GOING TO HAPPEN. >> Stephen: THIS CAST, ED
NORTON, JANELLE MONAE, CATE HUDSON, LESLIE ODOM JR., AND
JUST AN EXTRAORDINARY NUMBER OF CAMEOS.
>> UNBELIEVABLE. AND WE-- FIRST OFF, RYANRIAN WRA
VERY, VERY FUNNY SCRIPT. WHICH IS A VERY GOOD PLACE TO
START. AND YOU THROW THE TALENT IN THE
ROOM, SOMETHING MAGIC HAPPENS. WE GIGGLED A LOT.
YES, WE DID. >> Stephen: WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
THE SCRIPT-- IT'S FUNNY, THE FIRST ONE, IT'S EVEN SILLIER,
THIS ONE. WHAT I LOVE ABOUT A REALLY GOOD
MYSTERY LIKE THIS, IS THAT EVERYTHING-- IT ASKS YOU-- IF
YOU PAY ATTENTION, EVERYTHING YOU PAID ATTENTION TO WILL PAY
OFF EVENTUALLY IN THE MOVIE. >> IT IS.
>> Stephen: NOTHING IS WASTING.
>> THAT'S RIAN. THAT'S HIS CHARACTER.
IT BEARS WATCHING AGAIN. I KNOW EVERYONE COMES ON THE
SHOW AND SYS, "WATCH IT TWICE." IT REALLY DOES.
IF YOU WATCH IT AGAIN, HE LAYS ALL THE GROUNDWORK, HE PUTS IN
ALL OF THESE EASTER EGGS, ALL OF THESE THINGS, AND EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF THEM PAYS OFF. IT'S WORTH A SECOND LOOK.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE THIRD "KNIVES OUT" FILM.
>> GET THIS ONE OUT FIRST. CHEERS.
>> Stephen: BEFORE THE SECOND ONE HAS GONE OUT, AND I JUST
WANT TO POINT OUT WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY ACHIEVEMENT THAT
IS. YOU WERE BOND, THE MOST
SUCCESSFUL FILM FRANCHISE OF ALL TIME, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY
AFTERWARDS, HAVE STARTED ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL FILM FRANCHISE.
I THINK IT'S YOU AND HARRISON FORD BETWEEN "STAR WARAND
"INDIANA JONES." I CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY ELSE
WHO ANCHORED TWO FRANCHISE LIKE THAT.
>> THAT'S INCREDIBLE COMPANY TO BE IN.
I COUNT MYSELF INCREDIBLY LUCKY. I HAD NEARLY 20 YEARS OF JUST
THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCES ON BOND WITH THE
MOST-- THE PEST BEAM IN THE BUSINESS.
AND JUST, YOU KNOW, WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL THINGS I WILL REMEMBER
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. AND I TURN AROUND AND RON
JOHNSON OFFERS ME "KNIVES OUT." HOW LUCKY AM I.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET SO BLOWN UP IN THESE MOVIES.
>> THERE IS LESS BLOWING UP. >> Stephen: IS IT MORE FUN TO
DO ONE OF THESE FILMS OR A BOND FILM.
>> THEY'RE BOTH FUN. >> Stephen: IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE STILL UNDER CONTRACT WITH THE BOND PEOPLE.
"THEY'RE BOTH WONDERFUL, AND BELVEDERE VODKA IS DELICIOUS!"
>> IT'S A LIVING, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: COMPARE DOING
THESE TWO MOVIES. TRY THAT.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: COMPARE THESE TWO
MOVIES. ( LAUGHTER )
( CLEARS THROAT ) EXCUSE ME.
I DON'T GET HURT AS MUCH. WHAT CAN I SAY?
IT'S LESS BRUISING TO DO "KNIVES OUT."
>> Stephen: I'M JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO FINISH THE QUESTION.
THE "GLASS ONION" THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THE MOVIE, A "KNIVES
OUT" FILM. "GLASS ONION" IS THE THIRD SONG
ON THE WHITE ALBUM. YOU'RE FROM LIVERPOOL.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: HOW IMPORTANT WERE&
THE BEATLES TO YOU GROWING UP, HE SAID, KNOWING THE ANSWER?
>> I MEAN, IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO ESCAPE THE BEATLES IF YOU
GROW UP IN AND AROUND LIVERPOOL AS I DID.
SO THAT PART OF YOUR D.N.A. I MEAN, THEY'RE KIND OF THE
FIRST MUSIC YOU REALLY LISTEN TO.
>> Stephen: YOU GREW UP WITH PEOPLE WHO KNEW THEM?
>> MY DAD WAS AT THE SAME SCHOOL AS JOHN LENNON, BUT THEN
EVERYBODY'S DAD SAID THAT? ( LAUGHTER ).
QUICK BREAK. WILE BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
DANIEL CRAIG, EVERYBODY. STICK AROUND.
( APPLAUSE ). LOOK AT WHO YOU GOT RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S DANIEL CRAIG, THE STAR OF "GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT
MYSTERY." THE, YOU KNOW, THANKSGIVING WEEK
HERE. >> YUP.
>> Stephen: YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE, BOTH AMERICAN
CITIZENS NOW. >> WE ARE.
>> Stephen: AND GOOD LUCK FOR US, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE
THANKSGIVING? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THANKSGIVING?
BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT KID THAT ARE OLD ENOUGH NOW TO START HEARING
THE PILGRIM STORIES AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> I DO UNDERSTAND THANKSGIVING. IT'S ABOUT GIVING THANKS, AS FAR
AS I UNDERSTAND. ( APPLAUSE )
QUESTIONS. >> Stephen: EXACTLY.
HAVE YOU CELEBRATED-- YOU'VE BEEN IN THE STATE FOR A LONG
TIME. >> I HAVE, AND WE DO CELEBRATE
IT. IN FACT, I HAVE AMERICAN FRIENDS
AS WELL SO I CELEBRATE -- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE AMERICAN
FRIENDS! >> I'VE CELEBRATED FOR QUITE A
LONG TIME. I DO, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY MY
FAVORITE HOLIDAY. ( APPLAUSE ).
SOMETHING ABOUT-- IT IS A GOOD ONE.
IT IS A GOOD ONE. IT IS NONDENOMINATIONAL.
IT'S GOING OUT AND GIVING THANKS.
>> IT FEELS THAT WAY. >> Stephen: AND YOU GET A
CHANCE TO SAY THAT TO EVERYBODY AT THE TABLE.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING DISHES BEFORE THE SHOW WITH SOME
OF THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS. COULDO YOU HAVE A GO-TO, OR BRIG
SOMETHING FROM THE OLD COUNTRY, OR IS IT SORT OF AMERICAN
PUMPKIN EVERY COURSE? >> NOT SO GOOD WITH THE FIXINGS
AND THINGS. >> Stephen: REALLY, YOU DON'T
LIKE THE CRANBERRY SAUCE. >> OH, CRANBERRY SAUCE, YES.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT STUFFING?
>> I THINK IT'S AN ABOMINATION. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU SEEN ENGLISH FOOD?
( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE
SAVORY PUDDINGS. >> WE DO HAVE SAVORY PUDDINGS
GLI WILL NOT TAKE CULINARY CRITIQUE FROM A COUNTRY THAT HAS
A KIDNEY PIE. >> STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE.
>> Stephen: STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE, OKAY, TRY TO DISGUISE THE
ORGAN MEATS IN THERE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST
STUFFING? IT'S WET BREAD THAT YOU MIX WITH
HERBS-- >> AND STUFF UP THE ASS OF A
CHICKEN-- OR TURKEY. >> Stephen: EITHER ONE.
>> I THINK IT SHOULD BE COOKED SEPARATELY, BUT YOU DON'T BRING
IT ANYMORE NEAR THE BIRD. >> Stephen: BUT IF YOU DON'T
PUT IT IN THE BIRD, YOU DON'T GET THE TRICKLE OF SALMONELLA.
>> THAT'S WHAT THE GRIEVE IS FOR.
I DON'T THINK YOU NEED IT. IT'S TOO COMPLICATED.
>> Stephen: IT'S TOO COMPLICATED TO PUT WET BREAD
INSIDE A BIRD? >> IT IS FOR ME.
>> Stephen: OH... ( APPLAUSE )
DISTURBING WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT. IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.
>> IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE-- THIS IS WRONG.
THIS IS... THIS IS WRONG.
I CAN'T LET YOU GO-- I CAN'T--
>> DON'T. >> Stephen: I CAN'T LET YOU GO
WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT THE THING THAT PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT
RIGHT NOW, AND, YOU KNOW, NOT A SPONSOR OF MY SHOW, BUT THE GOOD
PEOPLE AT BELVEDERE VODKA HIRED YOU JUST TO FOLLOW YOU IN YOUR
NATURAL HABITAT. >> YES.
>> Stephen: JUST DOING WHAT YOU NATURALLY DO.
ENJOYING SOME VODKA. >> IT'S HOW I CHECK INTO A
HOTEL. >> Stephen: AND HERE IT IS,
JIM. ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ AH, AH AH, AH.
♪ EVERYBODY SAY HUH. ♪ ♪ ♪
YEAH 3 BRING IT OVER HERE KEEP IT GOING.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST ENDLESS
SHE CAME TO MY HOUSE IN SUSPENDERS ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LIKE YOU'RE HAVING MORE FUN THAN
EVERYBODY ELSE? >> WELL, YOU KNOW.
ROOTS... >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR DANCE
BACKGROUND. >> NIL, NONE.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GET THE HOT MEFS?
>> TAIKA SAID CAN YOU DANCE? I SAID NOT REALLY.
WE GOT ONE OF THE BEST CHOREOGRAPHERS AROUND WHO JUST
BASICALLY LOOSENED ME UP. BECAUSE I CAN'T COUNT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T COUNT.
>> IT'S QUITE IMPORTANT IN DANCING SOMETIMES TO BE ABLE TO
COUNT, WHEN TO COME IN. SO HE JUST SHOUTEDDA THE ME,
"GO!" AND I GOT-- "LOOSEN UP!
LET ME SEE THOSE HIMSELF." >> Stephen: NOTHING MAKES YOU
LOOSEN UP MORE THAN SOMEONE SHOUTING, "LOOSEN UP!
LET ME SEE THOSE HIPS!" YOU HAVE A FALLBACK POSITION
NOW. >> MY GOODNESS.
IT'S TAKEN ME LONG ENOUGH TO FIND ONE.
>> Stephen: DANIEL, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: CHEERS.
THERE YOU GO. MY BEST TO YOUR WIFE.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: "GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT MYSTERY" WILL BE IN
THEATERS FOR ONE WEEK ONLY STARTING THIS WEDNESDAY AND
PREMIERES ON NETFLIX DECEMBER 23.
WATCH IT! DANIEL CRAIG, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN JOSH JOHNSON.
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK!
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND
HOST OF THE PODCAST "THE JOSH JOHNSON SHOW."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOSH JOHNSON.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY GOOD? I LIVED IN NEW YORK FOR SIX
YEARS NOW. I FEEL LIKE I'M FINALLY STARTING
TO NOTICE THINGS I DIDN'T NOTICE INITIALLY I MOVED HERE.
I WAS TOO OVERWHELMED BEING IN A NEW PLACE.
THERE'S A SEWING AN, IT'S ON THE TRAIN-- IT'S ON EVERY TRAIN, AT
EVERY STOP: "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING."
SO YOU HAVE SEEN IT, ALL RIGHT. "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY
SOMETHING." MY QUESTION IS, TO WHO?
LIKE WHO, EXACTLY, AM I SUPPOSED-- DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I'M A SNITCH, ALL RIGHT. I HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING ON
ANYBODY. I HAVE BEEN A BITCH FOR A LONG
TIME. I'M GOOD AT IT.
I SAY, "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!"
BUT LET'S SAY IT'S HAPPENING, WE'RE IN THE SITUATION RIGHT
NOW, CRAZY DUDE ON THE TRAIN, BITING ANOTHER DUDE'S ANKLE,
OKAY, AND BITING HIM GOOD, LIKE GETTING MEAT OFF THE BONE, ALL
RIGHT. I SEE THAT, WHO DO I SAY
SOMETHING TO? DO I SAY SOMETHING WANT TO GUY
BITING, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU GET STABBED.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL WALK UP AND SAY, "CAN YOU STAB ME WHEN
YOU'RE DONE BITING HIM BECAUSE I FEEL LEFT OR HONESTLY."
DO I SAY SOMETHING TO THE GUY BEING BIT BECAUSE HE KNOWS.
HE DOESN'T NEED MY HELP. I DO SAY SOMETHING TO A COP?
YOU WON'T SEE SOMEONE FOR ANOTHER 60 STOPS.
OR DO I SAY SOMETHING TO THE PERSON AT THE BOOTH.
YOU KNOW THE AT EVERY STATION AT THE LITTLE BOOTH THAT DOESN'T
CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM? THEY'VE SEEN TOO MUCH.3
AND TATHEIR INTERCOM IS ALWAYS BROKEN.
I FEEL LIKE THE INTERCOM IS BROKEN BECAUSE ON THEIR FIRST
DAY OF WORKING THE TRAIN THEY GOT A TOUR OF THE TRAIN AND THEY
SAW WHAT IT WAS LINING. THEY SOUGHT SITUATIONS YOU CAN
GET IN. SO THEY CALMLY WALKED BACK TO
THE LITTLE BOOTH, THEY WALKED UP TO THEIR INTERCOM, AND THEY WERE
LIKE, NOPE. AND YOU'RE SAYING, "THE GUY IS
GETTING OFF-- "AND HE'S THIS LIKE WHICH BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T
UNDERSTAND THEM. ALL THEY'RE SAYING IS, "I'M NOT
GETTING FROM BEHIND THE GLASS." THEY'RE JUST LIKE, WHY WOULD I
DO THAT? I'M SAFE RIGHT NOW?
YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN AN UBER. THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM."
( APPLAUSE ) ABLE TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD
DOING COMEDY EVERYTHING AND. AND I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S AN
AMERICAN THING. BUT FOR EVERY COUNTRY THEY GO
TO, ALL I CAN DO IN MY HEAD WHILE I'M THERE IS COMPARE.
WHAT DO THEY DO? WHAT DO WE DO?
WHO DOES IT BETTER? AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY IN ALL
THE COUNTRIES I HAVE BEEN TO, I FOUND TWO THINGS THEY GENUINELY
BELIEVE WE DO BETTER IN THE U.S. THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY I'VE BEEN
TO. ONE IS MILITARY.
OOF! WHO'S TOUCHING US?
BE HONEST, THINK ABOUT IT. WHO DO YOU GO TO BED IN FEAR OF?
WE FORGET WHAT A PRIVILEGE THAT IS, THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE
IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD THAT IF TO BED IN GENUINE FEAR OF
THEIR NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH, SOUTH, EAST WEST.
WE DON'T HAVE THAT AT ALL. WE'RE NOT SCARED OF OUR
NEIGHBORS TO NORTH AND SOUTH. I WISH CANADA WOULD!
I WISH CANADA WOULD CATCH A TONE.
DO YOU SNND WE WOULD SLAP THE MAPLE OUT OF CANADA, ALL RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE OTHER ONE THAT I TRULY
BELIEVE WE DO BETTER THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY I'VE BEEN TO IS
FLAVORS. WE HAVE THE BEST FLAVORS HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) RULES.
YOU KNOW? OTHER COUNTRIES, YOU ASK THEM,
THEIR FAVORITE FLAVORS ARE SWEET, SOUR, BITTER.
IN AMERICA, YOU ASK SOMEONE THEIR FAVORITE FLAVOR AND
THEY'RE LIKE, "MY FAVORITE FLAVOR, BLUE."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU EVER HAD THAT GOOD BLUE,
LIKE THE BLUE-BLUE, MAKE YOUR TONGUE BLUE?
SHOW PEOPLE. AAHs H.
THAT'S THE BEST BLUE." THERE ARE COUNTRIES WHOSE
PALLETS HAVE BEEN DESIGNED AROUND THE FRUITS AND NUTS.
THEY LOVE PASSION FRUIT, PAPAYA, PECANS.
IN AMERICA WE'RE LIKE,s, WHAT DID THAT PURPLE DO?
THIS PURPLE REAL GOOD. LET ME SEE WHAT THAT PURPLE
ABOUT?" DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
OTHER COUNTRIES ARE FULL OF REASONABLE PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT, REASONABLE PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE, "HERE'S WHAT WE'RE
GOING TO PULL FROM THE EARTH TO SPICE OUR DISHES TO MAKE THEM
DELICIOUS, RIGHT." WE ALL WENT TO INDIA TONIGHT AND
GOT TRADITIONAL INDIAN FOOD, IT WOULD BE AMAZING.
YOU WOULD TAKE THE T TUMOR RIC, THE CUMIN.
MEANWHILE, IN AMERICA, WE'RE LIKE...
I WANT TO PASTE BIRTHDAY. ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS PITCHED, SOMEBODY WAS LIKE, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"
AND THEY WERE LIKE YOU HEARD ME, I WANT MY BIRTHDAY IN MY MOUTH
WHENEVER I WANT. AND THEY'RE LIKE, YOU KNOW YOUR
BIRTHDAY IS A DAY, A TIME." "WHY ARE YOU BEING A HATER?"
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE. I DON'T JUDGE ANYONE BUT I AM
GENUINELY BLOWN AWAY AT THE LEVEL OF VACCINE HESITANCY IN
THIS COUNTRY AND PEOPLE WITH A BIRTHDAY ON THE FIRST DAY.
PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THE BACKSEAT, BIRTHDAY
HAS BEEN ON THE BACK SEAT THREE HOURS.
IT TASTES LIKE PURPLE. Y'ALL, THANK YOU.
I'M JOSH JOHNSON >> Stephen: YOU CAN CATCH "THE
JOSH JOHNSON SHOW" EVERY THURSDAY WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR
PODCASTS. JOSH JOHNSON, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE CATE BLANCHETT AND PAUL
DANO. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.