1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:02,869 >> THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED FIFA 2 00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,138 WORLD CUP KICKED OFF THIS WEEKEND IN QATAR. 3 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:07,707 QATAR SPENT BILLIONS ON INFRASTRUCTURE AHEAD OF THE 4 00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,343 TOURNAMENT, BUT HUMAN RIGHTS GROUPS SAY THOUSANDS OF WORKERS 5 00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:12,312 DIED IN THE PROCESS, AND BEING OPENLY GAY IN QATAR IS ILLEGAL. 6 00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:18,418 >> THE ITALIAN SWISS FIFA PRESIDENT, GIANNI INFANTINO, 7 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:20,687 LASHED OUT IN A LENGTHY DEFENSE ON THE EVE OF THE TOURNAMENT. 8 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,323 >> IT WAS, I'VE GOT TO SAY, A PRETTY STRANGE PRESS CONFERENCE. 9 00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:58,024 ( SUNG TO "I FEEL PRETTY" ) 10 00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:46,940 ( SUNG TO "I FEEL PRETTY" ) 11 00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:51,644 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT: 12 00:01:56,182 --> 00:02:00,954 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: DANIEL CRAIG 13 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:04,624 AND COMEDIAN JOSH JOHNSON 14 00:02:06,025 --> 00:02:10,296 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 15 00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:15,101 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 16 00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:21,908 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 17 00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:23,910 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 18 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:38,858 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HAVE A SEAT, 19 00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:46,366 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HAVE A SEAT, 20 00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:52,572 EVERYBODY. WHAT'S UP. 21 00:02:52,639 --> 00:03:00,246 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 22 00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,515 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S REALLY BEGINNING TO 23 00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:05,118 LOOK LIKE THERE MAY POSSIBLY BE A SMALL CHANCE OF, SOME TIME IN 24 00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:09,088 THE FUTURE, CONSEQUENCES FOR FORMER PRESIDENT, PEPTO ABYSMAL, 25 00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:14,727 ( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, ATTORNEY 26 00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:18,298 GENERAL MERRICK GARLAND NAMED A SPECIAL COUNSEL TO PROBE THE 27 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:22,502 FORMER PRESIDENT. IT'S FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR 28 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,270 AND GENERAL ZOD'S COUSIN, JACK SMITH. 29 00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:29,442 KNEEL BEFORE SMITH. JACK SMITH-- IF THAT IS HIS REAL 30 00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:36,983 NAME-- HAS A HELL OF A RESUME. TO TAKE THIS ASSIGNMENT, HE HAD 31 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,952 TO LEAVE HIS CURRENT JOB AT THE HAGUE, WERE HE INVESTIGATED WAR 32 00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:41,054 CRIMES IN KOSOVO. SO HE'S PERFECT TO GO AFTER THE 33 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,455 EX-PRESIDENT. HE ALREADY HAS EXPERIENCE 34 00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:46,092 DEALING WITH DISASTERS THAT PEAKED IN THE 90s. 35 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:50,163 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 36 00:03:50,229 --> 00:03:58,571 SMITH IS GOING TO TAKE OVER BOTH THE JANUARY 6 AND THE MAR-A-LAGO 37 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:00,873 DOCUMENTS CASES, AND A LOT OF LEGAL EXPERTS BELIEVE THIS MEANS 38 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:02,275 THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULD BE HEADED FOR TROUBLE. 39 00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:05,378 THEY'RE NOT ALONE. EVEN BEFORE SMITH WAS TAPPED, 40 00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:09,248 FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR SAID THIS: 41 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,351 >> I PERSONALLY THINK THAT THEY PROBABLY HAVE THE BASIS FOR 42 00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:14,220 LEGITIMATELY INDICTING THE PRESIDENT. 43 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:16,255 >> Stephen: WELL, I PERSONALLY THINK I CAN'T PERSONALLY GO 44 00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:22,262 THROUGH THIS AGAIN, BILL BARR ( LAUGHTER ) 45 00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:26,332 YOU, BILL BARR, AFTER YOU REDACTED THE MUELLER REPORT. 46 00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,469 WELL, YOU CAN'T REDACT MY FEELINGS! 47 00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:34,040 IT'S ALWAYS MUELLER TIME IN HERE. 48 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,675 NOW THAT SAID-- ( APPLAUSE ) 49 00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:44,584 IT'S MUELLER TIME, MUELLER TIME. THIS NEWS DOES MAKE IT SEEM LIKE 50 00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:45,785 THERE'S AN INDICTMENT AROUND THE CORNER. 51 00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:49,188 AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD A WEIRD REACTION, SAYING, "I AM 52 00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:51,324 NOT GOING TO PARTAKE IN IT. I'M NOT GOING TO PARTAKE IN 53 00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:55,094 THIS." OH, HE DOESN'T WANT TO PARTAKE. 54 00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:57,830 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NO LAWYER, BUT I DIDN'T 55 00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:04,637 REALIZE THAT WAS ONE OF THE OPTIONS: THE SUSPECT DOES NOT 56 00:05:04,704 --> 00:05:07,707 WANT TO PARTAKE IN THE INVESTIGATION. 57 00:05:07,774 --> 00:05:09,308 "YOUR HONOR, WHILE, ADMITTEDLY, THE PROSECUTION DOES HAVE 58 00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:11,344 OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE OF HIS GUILT, MY CLIENT PLEADS 'NOT 59 00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:15,014 FEELIN' IT.'" ( LAUGHTER ) 60 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:18,685 GET SOME GOOD NEWS THIS WEEKEND, BECAUSE ON SATURDAY, ELON MUSK 61 00:05:18,751 --> 00:05:25,058 REINSTATED HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT. ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) 62 00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:29,462 NO, NO, ELON, I WON'T GO BACK. THE RACISM, THE MISSPELLING, THE 63 00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:33,700 CALLS TO VIOLENCE, THE "DOT, DOT, DOTS." 64 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:38,638 REMEMBER? REMEMBER THE DOT, DOT, DOTS? 65 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:42,108 REMEMBER THE (BLEEP) COVFEFE? I AM NOT, I AM NOT-- 66 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:47,380 ( APPLAUSE ) I AM NOT GOING TO PARTAKE 67 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:50,450 IN IT. OF COURSE, MUSK, EVER THE 68 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:54,053 GENIUS, APPROACHED THE DECISION SCIENTIFICALLY, WITH A TWITTER 69 00:05:54,120 --> 00:06:03,429 POLL. THE FORMER PRESIDENT WON WITH AN 70 00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:04,630 OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF 51.8%. 71 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,632 GOOD ENOUGH FOR MUSK, WHO ANNOUNCED THE REINSTATEMENT WITH 72 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:10,470 THE LATIN PHRASE, "VOX POPULI, VOX DEI," WHICH 73 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,573 MEANS "THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE IS THE VOICE OF GOD." 74 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:15,341 WELL, I TOOK A LITTLE PIG LATIN IN COLLEGE, SO LET ME RESPOND BY 75 00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:22,582 SAYING: "UCK-SAY AN AG-BAY OF ICKS-DAY." 76 00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:27,453 SOY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 77 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:38,564 SO MUSK GOES, "BASED ON A 1.8% MAJORITY IN A COMPLETELY MADE-UP 78 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:41,300 POLL RIDDLED WITH BOTS, I'M SUPER COOL WITH REINSTATING A 79 00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,736 MANIAC WHOSE LAST TWEETS CELEBRATED A VIOLENT COUP 80 00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:47,840 ATTEMPT ON CAPITOL HILL. AND IN RETURN FOR THAT COMPLETE 81 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:52,345 MORAL DEBASEMENT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAID: "NO, THANKS." 82 00:06:52,411 --> 00:06:56,382 LOOK WHAT HE SAID, ELON. >> HE DID PUT UP A POLL, AND I 83 00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:57,717 HEAR IT'S VERY OVERWHELMING, VERY STRONG. 84 00:06:57,784 --> 00:06:59,519 BUT I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED TRUMP-- IF YOU LOOK, IT'S TRUMP 85 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:06,459 OWNED, BUT IT'S-- IT'S REALLY FANTASTIC, TRUTH SOCIAL. 86 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:10,630 >> Stephen: HE COULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE NAME OF HIS OWN 87 00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:16,302 FAILED ONLINE HATE BUCKET! HE'S GOT TO BE THE WORST 88 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,738 HUCKSTER OF ALL TIME. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEP 89 00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:22,241 RIGHT UP AND SAMPLE "DOCTOR... WHAT'S MY NAME? 90 00:07:22,308 --> 00:07:26,979 EH, DR. DOCTORSON'S MAGIC ELIXIR, GUARANTEED TO CURE OR 91 00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:27,947 GIVE YOU STUFF, AND THINGS. WAIT, COME BACK! 92 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:34,020 DID I MENTION IT HAS MERCURY?!" 93 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,155 NOW, TURNING TO OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT, TODAY WAS THE ANNUAL 94 00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:37,456 TURKEY PARDON, A DAY WHEN THIS COUNTRY'S MOST NOTORIOUS TURKEY 95 00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:40,426 CRIMINALS WALK FREE. AND THEN AROUND IN CIRCLES. 96 00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:44,330 AND THEN BONK INTO A TREE. THEN, IF IT RAINS, THEY LOOK UP 97 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:46,999 AND THEY DROWN. THEY'RE VERY DUMB. 98 00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:48,701 THIS YEAR'S-- YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT? 99 00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:52,205 YOU CAN'T LEAVE TURKEYS OUTSIDE BECAUSE IF IT RAINS, THEY LOOK 100 00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:56,776 UP AND THEY DROWN. ( LAUGHTER ) 101 00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:04,450 NO LETTERS, PLEASE. "DEAR CBS, AS A MEMBER OF THE 102 00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:09,755 TURKEY COMMUNITY..." THIS YEAR'S-- 103 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:15,428 ( APPLAUSE ) ( GOBBLING ) 104 00:08:15,494 --> 00:08:18,664 THIS YEAR'S LUCKY TURKEYS ARE CHOCOLATE AND CHIP. 105 00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:21,701 AND THE PRESIDENT KICKED IT OFF BY WELCOMING THE FOLKS WHO CAME 106 00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,737 TO LOOK AT THE CONFUSED BIRDS. >> IT IS A WONDERFUL 107 00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:27,740 THANKSGIVING TRADITION AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 108 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:31,944 THERE IS A LOT TO SAY ABOUT IT, BUT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDE, SO I 109 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,847 I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS SHORT. NOBODY LIKES IT WHEN THEIR 110 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:41,087 TURKEY GETS COLD. >> Stephen: YEAH. 111 00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:42,221 NOBODY LIKES TURKEY WHEN IT'S COLD. 112 00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:43,890 WHO EVER HEARD OF A TURKEY SANDWICH! 113 00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:53,032 UGH. ESPECIALLY WITH A LITTLE 114 00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:54,901 CRANBERRY SAUCE, STUFFIN' ON THERE, EATING IT 1:00 A.M. WHILE 115 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:55,935 WATCHING "FORGED IN FIRE" WITH THE DOG. 116 00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:57,703 TO HIS CREDIT, THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T HOG THE MIC. 117 00:08:57,770 --> 00:09:01,207 >> ANYWAY, YOU WANT TO TALK? 118 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,010 YEAH. >> Stephen: HE'S DOING TURKEY 119 00:09:04,076 --> 00:09:09,148 CROWD WORK! "ALL RIGHT, WHO HERE'S FROM A 120 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,449 FACTORY FARM, RAISE YOUR WING. DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THEY 121 00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:11,484 DON'T WARM UP THE BASTER? ANYWAY, GOBBLE GOBBLE, 122 00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:15,388 THAT'S MY SET. TIP YOUR HANDLER!" 123 00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:22,628 ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S ALWAYS IN THERE. 124 00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,463 THIS WEEKEND, THERE WERE SOME OTHER BIG EVENTS AT THE WHITE 125 00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:28,167 HOUSE. OH, ON SUNDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN 126 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,870 CELEBRATED HIS 80th BIRTHDAY. ( APPLAUSE ). 127 00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:35,474 GIVE IT UP! 80! 128 00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:37,476 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR! REMEMBER, YOU'RE ONLY AS OLD AS 129 00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:41,347 THE NUMBER OF YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE, WHICH IS AN 130 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,950 UNPRECEDENTED NUMBER FOR THE JOB THAT YOU HAVE. 131 00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:46,719 ( LAUGHTER ) I THINK HIS AGE IS ACTUALLY A 132 00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:53,092 STRENGTH AT THIS POINT. THE WORLD'S SO CRAZY, I LOVE 133 00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:58,965 HAVING THE STABILITY AND WISDOM OF THOSE CROWNED WITH MANY 134 00:09:59,031 --> 00:10:02,101 WINTERS, A MAN WHO HAS FIRSTHAND MEMORIES OF BIPARTISANSHIP, OF A 135 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,370 SHARED VISION OF AMERICA, OF A TIME WHEN ICE CAME IN WAGONS. 136 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,705 THIS BIRTHDAY MAKES BIDEN THE OLDEST PRESIDENT IN U.S. 137 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:09,208 HISTORY. THE YOUNGEST, OF COURSE, WAS 138 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,911 PRESIDENT BABY TAFT. WHO COULD FORGET HIS CAMPAIGN 139 00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:16,916 SLOGAN: "MORE!" ( LAUGHTER ) 140 00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:24,924 AND-- IS THIS TRUE? IT'S TIME FOR SPORT. 141 00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,693 YESTERDAY WAS THE KICKOFF OF THE WORLD CUP. 142 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:31,364 A GLOBAL PHENOMENON, IT'S BEEN CALLED THE SUPER BOWL OF 143 00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,165 FOOTBALL. TODAY, OUR BOYS ON THE U.S. 144 00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:34,734 MEN'S NATIONAL TEAM TOOK ON WALES, AND THE WINNER WAS 145 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:40,539 NO ONE! THEY TIED, 1-1. 146 00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:46,812 WHICH MAY SOUND BORING, BUT IT'S FUN IN METRIC. 147 00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:52,518 THIS YEAR, THE TOURNAMENT'S BEING HELD IN QATAR, A CHOICE 148 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:55,221 MADE BY FIFA WHICH IS-- AND I DON'T WANT TO OVERSTATE THIS-- 149 00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:56,822 THE MOST CORRUPT ORGANIZAION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. 150 00:10:56,889 --> 00:11:00,292 SO MUCH SO-- ( APPLAUSE ) 151 00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:03,963 I GOT SOMETHING. I LOT A LITTLE SOMETHING. 152 00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:07,099 SO MUCH SO THAT THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE SAYS FIFA 153 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:13,272 OFFICIALS GAVE QATAR THE HOSTING RIGHTS BECAUSE THEY WERE BRIBED. 154 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:17,176 AND I'M SORRY, I DON'T CARE WHO HEARS ME, I'M GOING TO STAY UP 155 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:20,513 HERE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND. SAY THAT ABOUT FIFA EVERY NIGHT, 156 00:11:20,579 --> 00:11:23,649 UNLESS IT TURNS OUT FIFA IS A SPONSOR. 157 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:25,484 ( LAUGHTER ) NO. 158 00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:31,290 ( APPLAUSE ) OF REASONS. 159 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,625 ONE, THEIR AVERAGE NIGHT-TIME TEMPERATURE IS WHAT 160 00:11:32,691 --> 00:11:35,261 METEOROLOGISTS CALL, "THE DEVIL'S GRUNDLE." 161 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:38,164 PLUS, THEY HAVE AN ATROCIOUS HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD, AND THEIR 162 00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:42,001 LAWS MAKE HOMOSEXUALITY ILLEGAL AND PUNISHABLE BY UP TO THREE 163 00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:47,273 YEARS IN PRISON, AND SEVERELY CURTAIL WOMEN'S RIGHTS TO MARRY, 164 00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:52,611 STUDY, WORK, AND TRAVEL. BUT THAT'S ALL THINGS, EXPLAINS 165 00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:55,081 THEIR TRAVEL CAMPAIGN FOR WOMEN: "SIT QUIETLY! 166 00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:58,717 VISIT QATAR!" ( LAUGHTER ) 167 00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:02,555 BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT, FIFA INSISTED THAT THERE WOULDN'T BE 168 00:12:02,621 --> 00:12:05,257 ANY DISCRIMINATION, SAYING "EVERYONE WILL BE WELCOME" AT 169 00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:07,193 THE WORLD CUP. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, QATARI 170 00:12:07,259 --> 00:12:09,795 OFFICIALS WARNED L.G.B.T.Q. SOCCER FANS AGAINST "PUBLIC 171 00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:13,599 DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION," AND SAID PEOPLE WILL NOT BE PERMITTED TO 172 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,367 GO SHIRTLESS DURING MATCHES OR IN PUBLIC SETTINGS. 173 00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:21,273 NO PROBLEM. I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE AT A 174 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:25,344 SOCCER GAME WOULD EVER GO SHIRTLESS. 175 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,012 THEY'RE JUST NOT-- ( APPLAUSE ) 176 00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:33,152 THAT MESSY? THAT WAS MESSY? 177 00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:35,888 THEY'RE NOT JUST ANTI-GAY. THEY'RE ANTI-FUN. 178 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,624 BECAUSE AFTER SAYING IT WOULD BE FINE TO SELL ALCOHOL AT THE 179 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:42,828 GAMES, QATAR BANNED BEER SALES, LEAVING TOURNAMENT SPONSOR 180 00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:45,664 BUDWEISER STUCK WITH A MASSIVE WAREHOUSE FULL OF BEER, WHICH IT 181 00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:49,235 SAYS WILL GO TO THE WINNING COUNTRY. 182 00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:53,572 ( LAUGHTER ) CELEBRATION LIKE THAT? 183 00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:56,375 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 184 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,778 TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS DANIEL CRAIG. 185 00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:02,214 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ARE YOU GETTING SCAMMED ON YOUR 186 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:02,982 DATING APP? ♪ ♪ ♪ 187 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:50,462 >> Stephen: LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, EVERYBODY! 188 00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:58,237 BAN, IT IS NICE. I GOTTA TELL YOU, IT'S A REALLY 189 00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:01,073 SPECIAL IGHT FOR ME WITH THE BAND BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HAD THE 190 00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,642 FULL BAND BACK TOGETHER IN TWO WEEKS. 191 00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:05,511 >> Louis: TWO WEEKEND. >> Stephen: WE HAD SOME PEOPLE 192 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:09,548 UP THERE WITH THE COVID TAKING IT EASY. 193 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:10,683 EVERYBODY FEEL OKAY? >> Louis: YES. 194 00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:14,787 >> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN BIDSY AT THE SAME TIME. 195 00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:19,892 NEGA SANTOS, YOUR ALBUM WAS RELEASED. 196 00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:24,630 >> IT'S A TRIBUTE TO MY FAMILY, MY FAMILY A HOME TOWN, MY 197 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,066 HEROES. KATO IS THE PRODUCER OF THE 198 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,034 ALBUM. >> Stephen: AND BOUCHER, YOU 199 00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:32,037 HAVE A RESIDENCY AT THE BLUE NOTE OVER THANKSGIVING WEEK. 200 00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:34,540 CHECK IT OUT IF YOU'RE IN NEW YORK CITY. 201 00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:40,145 >> YES. >> Stephen: AND IS THIS TRUE, 202 00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:45,551 LOUIS CATO, LOUIS BOUCHER, AND JOHN LAMPELY JOIN DAVE MATTHEWS 203 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,019 AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON FRIDAY. 204 00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:50,089 WHAT WAS THAT LIKE. >> Louis: THAT IS TRUE, VERY 205 00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:51,023 TRUE. IT WAS VERY SPECIAL. 206 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:53,459 IT WAS INCREDIBLE. >> Stephen: WOW. 207 00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:55,761 WELL I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU GUYS BACK. 208 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,563 >> Louis: GOOD TO BE BACK, SO GLAD TO BE BACK. 209 00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:01,934 >> Stephen: I'M ALSO GLAD THAT OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS A LITTLE 210 00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:05,104 GUY NAMED DANIEL CRAIG. YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF HIM. 211 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:09,441 >> Louis: SOME GUY, SOME GUY. >> Stephen: A BUDDY OF MINE. 212 00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:16,081 SO I LOOKED FORWARD TO THAT. FOLKS, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, 213 00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:22,288 ALL OF US HERE WANTED TO SEND OUR LOVE TO THE PEOPLE OF 214 00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:24,990 COLORADO SPRINGS, ESPECIALLY THE L.G.B.T.Q.I.+ 215 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:26,625 COMMUNITY THERE, AFTER YET ANOTHER DERANGED GUNMAN, WITH A 216 00:15:26,692 --> 00:15:29,728 CRIMINAL AND UNSTABLE HISTORY, ARMED WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE, 217 00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:31,497 KILLED FIVE PEOPLE AND WOUNDED 25 OTHERS SATURDAY NIGHT AT 218 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:43,709 CLUB Q. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN 219 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,744 FEAR BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE OR WHO YOU LOVE OR WHO YOU ARE OR 220 00:15:45,811 --> 00:15:47,246 WHO YOU JUST WANNA DANCE WITH. AUTHORITIES SAY IT WOULD HAVE 221 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:49,415 BEEN EVEN WORSE, BUT THE GUNMAN WAS SUBDUED BY WHAT IS BEING 222 00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:52,284 DESCRIBED AS "HEROIC PATRONS." I, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, SALUTE 223 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:57,022 THE COURAGE OF THESE HEROIC PATRONS. 224 00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:58,157 BUT JUST HEARING THAT TERM MAKES ME MAD. 225 00:15:58,223 --> 00:16:00,259 WHY DO WE CONSTANTLY HAVE TO HAVE "HEROIC PATRONS," OR 226 00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,460 "HEROIC TEACHERS," OR "HEROIC BYSTANDERS"? 227 00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,729 HOW ABOUT SOME HEROIC POLITICIANS WHO WILL DO ANYTHIN 228 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:09,601 ( APPLAUSE ) VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY? 229 00:16:09,668 --> 00:16:13,472 OR A HEROIC JUSTICE SYSTEM THAT STOPS A DANGEROUS PERSON LIKE 230 00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,374 THIS WITH A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE FROM GETTING ACCESS TO THESE 231 00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:19,278 WEAPONS OF WAR? ( APPLAUSE ) 232 00:16:19,345 --> 00:16:24,283 COURT THAT RECOGNIZES THAT, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO INTERPRET 233 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,552 IT, THE SECOND AMENDMENT, AS IT IS CURRENTLY APPLIED, IS A 234 00:16:26,618 --> 00:16:31,490 COMPLETE FAILURE? ( APPLAUSE ) 235 00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:39,164 GOING TO TAKE HEROIC VOTERS, WHO WILL TOSS OUT THE PEOPLE WHO 236 00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:41,567 CYNICALLY TARGET MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES FOR THEIR OWN 237 00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:44,002 POLITICAL GAIN AND THEN TAKE MONEY FROM THESE GHOULISH 238 00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:47,172 WEAPONS MANUFACTURERS WHO PROFIT OFF OF FEAR SO THAT THE REST OF 239 00:16:47,239 --> 00:16:51,110 US, EVERY WEEK, NEED TO HONOR A NEW GROUP OF HEROIC PATRONS. 240 00:16:51,176 --> 00:17:06,058 ( APPLAUSE ) WATCHES THE SHOW-- AND I HOPE 241 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:09,395 ( APPLAUSE ) WATCHES THE SHOW-- AND I HOPE 242 00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,864 YOU DO-- KNOWS THAT I LOVE, LOVE. 243 00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,133 I LOVE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER. 244 00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:18,570 AND THEY ALSO KNOW IN THE WORLD OF LOVING, ONLINE DATING IS THE 245 00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:20,773 HOT NEW TREND FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS. 246 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:25,511 ( LAUGHTER ) CHANGE, BECAUSE DATING APPS ARE 247 00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:27,913 NOW CRAWLING WITH SCAMMERS WHO "STRIKE UP A RELATIONSHIP AND 248 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,982 ASK FOR MONEY," OR "BOTS WHICH INFECT YOUR DEVICE WITH 249 00:17:30,048 --> 00:17:32,251 MALWARE." AND IF YOUR DEVICE IS INFECTED 250 00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:34,787 WITH MALWARE, YOU SHOULD REALLY DISCLOSE THAT TO ANY BLUETOOTH 251 00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:41,460 YOU'RE ABOUT TO PAIR WITH. BUT ONE COMPANY HAS EVEN TRIED 252 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,997 TO STOP ALL THIS FRAUD BY MAKING A NEW DATING APP WHICH HOOKS UP 253 00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:49,001 SCAMMERS ONLY WITH BOTS. ( APPLAUSE ) 254 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:55,541 THAT'S NICE. IT'S A NICE IDEA, BUT I THINK 255 00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,543 THE BOT'S COVER IS GONNA GET BLOWN PRETTY QUICK. 256 00:17:57,609 --> 00:18:00,412 ( IN ROBOT VOICE ) SELECTING ALL THE SQUARES 257 00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:04,850 CONTAINING BICYCLES." ( LAUGHTER ) 258 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:13,392 OTHER SCAMMERS, SO THEY END UP TRYING TO SCAM EACH OTHER. 259 00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,828 AS ONE COMPANY EXEC PUT IT: "THEY ARE LIKE, 'I WANT $40 FOR 260 00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:18,597 A GOOGLE PLAY GIFT CARD,' AND THE OTHER SCAMMER REPLIES, 'NO, 261 00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:27,306 NO, YOU GIVE A GIFT CARD TO ME.' AND THEY JUST KEEP ARGUING." 262 00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:29,408 WOW, THAT IS SAD... WHO USES GOOGLE PLAY? 263 00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:30,676 THAT IS A LOW-RENT GRIFT. "FELLAS, I'VE BEEN STRINGING 264 00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:33,445 THIS GIRL ALONG FOR TWO WEEKS, AND TONIGHT, I'VE ROPED HER INTO 265 00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:36,081 MEETING ME IN A DENNY'S PARKING LOT, AND SHE'S GONNA HAND OVER A 266 00:18:36,148 --> 00:18:37,649 HALF-COMPLETED SUBWAY REWARDS CARD. 267 00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:41,987 AND JUST LIKE THAT, I'M GONE!" 268 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:44,957 SO IT'S A SHAME TO HEAR THAT SINGLES ARE GETTING BURNED OUT 269 00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:49,528 ON DATING APPS. "80% OF 18- TO 54-YEAR-OLD USERS 270 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:54,967 REPORTED EMOTIONAL FATIGUE FROM ONLINE DATING." 271 00:18:55,033 --> 00:19:00,038 NO, NO, 18-YEAR-OLDS, YOU DO NOT GET TO FEEL EMOTIONAL FATIGUE! 272 00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:03,809 OR ANY KIND OF FATIGUE. YOU'RE STILL FULL OF COLLAGEN-- 273 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,111 OH, YOUR KNEES DON'T SOUND LIKE COKE CANS FULL OF BABY TEETH? 274 00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:11,183 NO FATIGUE FOR YOU! ONE USER WAS SICK OF THE FACT 275 00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:13,752 THAT DATING APPS "HAD TAKEN HER TIME, MONEY, AND ENERGY, WHILE 276 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:18,590 GIVING HER NOTHING IN RETURN." BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT 277 00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:21,026 SHOULD TAKE YOUR TIME, MONEY, AND ENERGY FOR NOTHING IN RETURN 278 00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,561 IS THE GYM. I DID A CRUNCH LAST WEEK. 279 00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:27,432 WHERE ARE MY ABS? ANOTHER USER WAS TIRED OF THE 280 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:31,203 DISAPPOINTMENT, SAYING, "IMAGINE ANTICIPATING RECEIVING SOMETHING 281 00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:34,172 GOOD FOR YEARS, EXISTING IN THAT STATE OF 'ANY DAY NOW' FOR AN 282 00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:35,607 EXTREMELY EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME." 283 00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,677 OH, I CAN IMAGINE IT. IT'S CALLED WAITING FOR 284 00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:42,881 "THE WINDS OF WINTER." ( LAUGHTER ) 285 00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:50,222 STOP WASTING TIME SHOPPING ON hats-'n-suspenders.com. 286 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:53,392 SO NOW PEOPLE ARE ABANDONING DATING APPS ALTOGETHER. 287 00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:56,728 THE NEW THING IS CREATING "DATE ME DOCS," IN WHICH "USERS 288 00:19:56,795 --> 00:19:59,798 LAY DOWN THEIR REAL IDEAS ABOUT LOVE AND THE TYPE OF PARTNERS 289 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,034 THEY WANT ON DROPBOX PAPER, GOOGLE DOCS, OR ON PERSONAL 290 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:12,344 WEBSITES." ONE USER'S DOC HAD FOUR 291 00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:14,613 CHAPTERS AND 15 SUBCATEGORIES. PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT, 292 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,416 "I LOVE THE ARDUOUS, HEARTBREAKING SEARCH FOR A LIFE 293 00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:19,051 PARTNER, BUT I JUST WISH THERE WAS HOMEWORK." 294 00:20:19,117 --> 00:20:21,520 ANOTHER USER SHARED A LINK TO A PAGE WITH TESTIMONIALS FROM PAST 295 00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:22,854 PARTNERS. THAT'S JUST YELP FOR HUMAN 296 00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:25,490 BEINGS: "JOHN IS HEALTHY AND LOCATED IN 297 00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,926 A GREAT PART OF TOWN. FOUR STARS. 298 00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:30,629 WOULD DATE AGAIN. P.S.: DINNER'S ON HIM WITH PROMO 299 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:33,966 CODE DATEJOHN." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANIEL 300 00:20:34,032 --> 00:20:34,600 CRAIG. ♪ ♪ ♪ 301 00:20:51,049 --> 00:20:52,918 ( APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY! 302 00:20:52,985 --> 00:21:00,392 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM 303 00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:04,096 THE JAMES BOND FILMS, "LOGAN LUCKY," AND "KNIVES OUT." 304 00:21:04,162 --> 00:21:05,330 HE'S BACK AS DETECTIVE BENOIT BLANC IN "GLASS ONION: A KNIVES 305 00:21:05,397 --> 00:21:09,167 OUT MYSTERY." >> THIS IS JUST LIKE THE OTHER 306 00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:15,007 ONES, BUT I DIDN'T SEND IT TO YOU. 307 00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:17,943 >> HOW MANY OF THESE BOXES DID YOU CREATE? 308 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:20,846 >> FIVE, ONE FOR EACH OF MY FRIENDS. 309 00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:27,152 >> THERE ARE NO PROTOTYPES. >> MY PUZZLE GUY BARELY GOT THE 310 00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:30,188 FIVE DONE IN TIME. >> ONCE THE BOXES ARE OPENED AND 311 00:21:30,255 --> 00:21:33,258 THE PUZZLE IS COMPLETED, IS THERE ANY WAY TO CLOSE THEM 312 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:37,963 AGAIN, TO RESET THEM? >> HANG ON. 313 00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:41,800 HANG ON. SOMEONE RESET THE BOX! 314 00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:46,238 SOMEONE RESET THE BOX! THEY SENT IT TO YOU AS A GAG. 315 00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:56,081 MILES IS DOING A MURDER MYSTERY. LET'S INNOVATE BENOITPERSPECTIVE 316 00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,016 FREAKING BLANC. >> I AM MORTIFIED. 317 00:21:58,083 --> 00:22:01,119 >> WHY? I HAVE THE PREEMINENT DETECTIVE 318 00:22:01,186 --> 00:22:02,921 IN THE WORLD AT MY MURDER MYSTERY PARTY. 319 00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:06,725 THAT IS SO LEGIT. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK 320 00:22:06,792 --> 00:22:11,463 TO "THE LATE SHOW," DANIEL CRAIG. 321 00:22:11,530 --> 00:22:26,411 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE 322 00:22:26,478 --> 00:22:30,148 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE 323 00:22:31,717 --> 00:22:36,254 ( APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: NICE TU YOU CAUGHT ME BACK HERE. 324 00:22:36,321 --> 00:22:39,624 I HAD A SURPRISE FOR YOU. WOULD YOU CARE FOR A COCKTAIL? 325 00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:41,226 >> SURE. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 326 00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:43,862 THERE YOU GO. I HAD AN OPPORTUNITYITY TO 327 00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:50,135 INTERVIEW FOR THE FILM FESTIVAL. BELVEDERE VOTEICA. 328 00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,237 THIS IS JUST A COINCIDENCE IT'S HERE. 329 00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:56,007 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DANCE FOR YOUR COCKTAIL AROUND HERE. 330 00:22:56,074 --> 00:22:58,443 >> ARE YOU SURE. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU TAKE 331 00:22:58,510 --> 00:22:59,644 IT? >> DO YOU HAVE ANY SODA. 332 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,313 >> Stephen: WE HAVE SODA WATER HERE. 333 00:23:01,379 --> 00:23:03,348 >> A LITTLE LIME. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU CALL 334 00:23:03,415 --> 00:23:07,352 THAT DRINK AGAIN? >> YOU CALL IT... 335 00:23:07,419 --> 00:23:11,189 >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, A WHAT? WHAT, DANIEL CRAIG, WHAT DO YOU 336 00:23:11,256 --> 00:23:13,992 CALL THE DRINK? >> I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE 337 00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:15,160 SPACE. >> Stephen: IT IS. 338 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:18,663 >> WE CALL IT A SKINNY BITCH. >> Stephen: EXACTLY WHAT YOU 339 00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:21,633 ARE, YOU SKINNY BITCH, HERE'S YOUR DRINK RIGHT NOW. 340 00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:23,235 I'LL HIT YOU WITH A LITTLE BIT OF THAT. 341 00:23:23,301 --> 00:23:24,836 >> THANK YOU. DO YOU HAVE ANY ICE. 342 00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:27,606 >> Stephen: WE HAVE ICE. DON'T WORRY, THIS IS A 343 00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:29,708 FULL-SERVICE BAR. NOW, WHEN I WAS ON CABLE, I 344 00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:34,379 DIDN'T HAVE ICE. BUT I'M ON NETWORK NOW, WE CAN 345 00:23:34,446 --> 00:23:38,016 AFFORD ICE. "DAILY SHOW"" DOESN'T HAVE ICE. 346 00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:40,619 WE HAVE ICE HERE. HERE'S THE THING, I WILL LET YOU 347 00:23:40,685 --> 00:23:44,723 IN ON A TRADE SECRET-- I DON'T A A CHANCE TO WATCH ALL THE MOVIES 348 00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:46,057 OF THE PEOPLE WHO COME ON THE SHOW. 349 00:23:46,124 --> 00:23:49,561 I KNOW THAT IS SHOCKING TO HEAR-- CHEERS. 350 00:23:49,628 --> 00:23:54,032 NOT ONLY HAVE I SEEN "GLASS ONION" BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE 351 00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:57,302 IT AGAIN. IT'S AN INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING, 352 00:23:57,369 --> 00:23:59,738 TERKY FUNNY MUST HAVE. >> THANK YOU. 353 00:23:59,805 --> 00:24:02,741 >> Stephen: HERE'S TO IT. >> HERE'S TO YOU. 354 00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:08,713 ( APPLAUSE ) WAS-- WAS IT AS FUN TO MAKE AS 355 00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:10,882 IT LOOKS? BECAUSE IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE A 356 00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:14,786 GROUP OF FRIENDS-- >> IS SOMEONE TALKING? 357 00:24:14,853 --> 00:24:16,988 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A LIGHT WEIGHT, THERE YOU GO. 358 00:24:17,055 --> 00:24:20,158 IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE REALLY HAVING A TON OF FUN DOING A 359 00:24:20,225 --> 00:24:21,993 REALLY GOOD MOVIE WITH A BUNCH OF REALLY GREAT PEOPLE. 360 00:24:22,060 --> 00:24:24,629 >> WHEN YOU STICK THOSE PEOPLE IN A ROOM TOGETHER, SOMETHNG IS 361 00:24:24,696 --> 00:24:28,900 GOING TO HAPPEN. >> Stephen: THIS CAST, ED 362 00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:32,337 NORTON, JANELLE MONAE, CATE HUDSON, LESLIE ODOM JR., AND 363 00:24:32,404 --> 00:24:34,940 JUST AN EXTRAORDINARY NUMBER OF CAMEOS. 364 00:24:35,006 --> 00:24:41,947 >> UNBELIEVABLE. AND WE-- FIRST OFF, RYANRIAN WRA 365 00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:44,616 VERY, VERY FUNNY SCRIPT. WHICH IS A VERY GOOD PLACE TO 366 00:24:44,683 --> 00:24:47,018 START. AND YOU THROW THE TALENT IN THE 367 00:24:47,085 --> 00:24:49,588 ROOM, SOMETHING MAGIC HAPPENS. WE GIGGLED A LOT. 368 00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:51,256 YES, WE DID. >> Stephen: WHAT I LIKE ABOUT 369 00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:54,659 THE SCRIPT-- IT'S FUNNY, THE FIRST ONE, IT'S EVEN SILLIER, 370 00:24:54,726 --> 00:24:56,628 THIS ONE. WHAT I LOVE ABOUT A REALLY GOOD 371 00:24:56,695 --> 00:24:59,431 MYSTERY LIKE THIS, IS THAT EVERYTHING-- IT ASKS YOU-- IF 372 00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:02,534 YOU PAY ATTENTION, EVERYTHING YOU PAID ATTENTION TO WILL PAY 373 00:25:02,601 --> 00:25:04,769 OFF EVENTUALLY IN THE MOVIE. >> IT IS. 374 00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:06,972 >> Stephen: NOTHING IS WASTING. 375 00:25:07,038 --> 00:25:10,542 >> THAT'S RIAN. THAT'S HIS CHARACTER. 376 00:25:10,609 --> 00:25:13,011 IT BEARS WATCHING AGAIN. I KNOW EVERYONE COMES ON THE 377 00:25:13,078 --> 00:25:15,513 SHOW AND SYS, "WATCH IT TWICE." IT REALLY DOES. 378 00:25:15,580 --> 00:25:19,017 IF YOU WATCH IT AGAIN, HE LAYS ALL THE GROUNDWORK, HE PUTS IN 379 00:25:19,084 --> 00:25:22,087 ALL OF THESE EASTER EGGS, ALL OF THESE THINGS, AND EVERY SINGLE 380 00:25:22,153 --> 00:25:25,123 ONE OF THEM PAYS OFF. IT'S WORTH A SECOND LOOK. 381 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:30,528 >> Stephen: IT'S THE THIRD "KNIVES OUT" FILM. 382 00:25:30,595 --> 00:25:33,598 >> GET THIS ONE OUT FIRST. CHEERS. 383 00:25:33,665 --> 00:25:35,967 >> Stephen: BEFORE THE SECOND ONE HAS GONE OUT, AND I JUST 384 00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:38,637 WANT TO POINT OUT WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY ACHIEVEMENT THAT 385 00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:40,472 IS. YOU WERE BOND, THE MOST 386 00:25:40,538 --> 00:25:44,109 SUCCESSFUL FILM FRANCHISE OF ALL TIME, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY 387 00:25:44,175 --> 00:25:46,711 AFTERWARDS, HAVE STARTED ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL FILM FRANCHISE. 388 00:25:46,778 --> 00:25:53,485 I THINK IT'S YOU AND HARRISON FORD BETWEEN "STAR WARAND 389 00:25:53,551 --> 00:25:56,187 "INDIANA JONES." I CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY ELSE 390 00:25:56,254 --> 00:25:58,857 WHO ANCHORED TWO FRANCHISE LIKE THAT. 391 00:25:58,924 --> 00:26:00,792 >> THAT'S INCREDIBLE COMPANY TO BE IN. 392 00:26:00,859 --> 00:26:05,830 I COUNT MYSELF INCREDIBLY LUCKY. I HAD NEARLY 20 YEARS OF JUST 393 00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:08,733 THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCES ON BOND WITH THE 394 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,902 MOST-- THE PEST BEAM IN THE BUSINESS. 395 00:26:10,969 --> 00:26:15,407 AND JUST, YOU KNOW, WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL THINGS I WILL REMEMBER 396 00:26:15,473 --> 00:26:19,577 FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. AND I TURN AROUND AND RON 397 00:26:19,644 --> 00:26:22,714 JOHNSON OFFERS ME "KNIVES OUT." HOW LUCKY AM I. 398 00:26:22,781 --> 00:26:26,851 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET SO BLOWN UP IN THESE MOVIES. 399 00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:30,488 >> THERE IS LESS BLOWING UP. >> Stephen: IS IT MORE FUN TO 400 00:26:30,555 --> 00:26:33,224 DO ONE OF THESE FILMS OR A BOND FILM. 401 00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:35,760 >> THEY'RE BOTH FUN. >> Stephen: IT SOUNDS LIKE 402 00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:39,097 YOU'RE STILL UNDER CONTRACT WITH THE BOND PEOPLE. 403 00:26:39,164 --> 00:26:42,600 "THEY'RE BOTH WONDERFUL, AND BELVEDERE VODKA IS DELICIOUS!" 404 00:26:42,667 --> 00:26:48,039 >> IT'S A LIVING, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: COMPARE DOING 405 00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:49,507 THESE TWO MOVIES. TRY THAT. 406 00:26:49,574 --> 00:26:52,744 >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: COMPARE THESE TWO 407 00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:57,749 MOVIES. ( LAUGHTER ) 408 00:26:57,816 --> 00:27:00,285 ( CLEARS THROAT ) EXCUSE ME. 409 00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:03,088 I DON'T GET HURT AS MUCH. WHAT CAN I SAY? 410 00:27:03,154 --> 00:27:07,058 IT'S LESS BRUISING TO DO "KNIVES OUT." 411 00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:11,796 >> Stephen: I'M JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO FINISH THE QUESTION. 412 00:27:11,863 --> 00:27:18,803 THE "GLASS ONION" THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THE MOVIE, A "KNIVES 413 00:27:18,870 --> 00:27:24,542 OUT" FILM. "GLASS ONION" IS THE THIRD SONG 414 00:27:24,609 --> 00:27:26,945 ON THE WHITE ALBUM. YOU'RE FROM LIVERPOOL. 415 00:27:27,012 --> 00:27:28,847 >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: HOW IMPORTANT WERE& 416 00:27:28,913 --> 00:27:31,583 THE BEATLES TO YOU GROWING UP, HE SAID, KNOWING THE ANSWER? 417 00:27:31,649 --> 00:27:34,953 >> I MEAN, IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO ESCAPE THE BEATLES IF YOU 418 00:27:35,020 --> 00:27:37,355 GROW UP IN AND AROUND LIVERPOOL AS I DID. 419 00:27:37,422 --> 00:27:41,326 SO THAT PART OF YOUR D.N.A. I MEAN, THEY'RE KIND OF THE 420 00:27:41,393 --> 00:27:42,861 FIRST MUSIC YOU REALLY LISTEN TO. 421 00:27:42,927 --> 00:27:45,530 >> Stephen: YOU GREW UP WITH PEOPLE WHO KNEW THEM? 422 00:27:45,597 --> 00:27:50,935 >> MY DAD WAS AT THE SAME SCHOOL AS JOHN LENNON, BUT THEN 423 00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:53,872 EVERYBODY'S DAD SAID THAT? ( LAUGHTER ). 424 00:27:53,938 --> 00:27:54,973 QUICK BREAK. WILE BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 425 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,408 DANIEL CRAIG, EVERYBODY. STICK AROUND. 426 00:28:05,083 --> 00:28:08,620 ( APPLAUSE ). LOOK AT WHO YOU GOT RIGHT HERE. 427 00:28:08,686 --> 00:28:14,025 THAT'S DANIEL CRAIG, THE STAR OF "GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT 428 00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:14,959 MYSTERY." THE, YOU KNOW, THANKSGIVING WEEK 429 00:28:15,026 --> 00:28:16,027 HERE. >> YUP. 430 00:28:16,094 --> 00:28:19,464 >> Stephen: YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE, BOTH AMERICAN 431 00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:20,732 CITIZENS NOW. >> WE ARE. 432 00:28:20,799 --> 00:28:23,868 >> Stephen: AND GOOD LUCK FOR US, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU. 433 00:28:23,935 --> 00:28:25,703 >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE 434 00:28:25,770 --> 00:28:28,039 THANKSGIVING? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THANKSGIVING? 435 00:28:28,106 --> 00:28:31,643 BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT KID THAT ARE OLD ENOUGH NOW TO START HEARING 436 00:28:31,709 --> 00:28:33,044 THE PILGRIM STORIES AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 437 00:28:33,111 --> 00:28:36,081 >> I DO UNDERSTAND THANKSGIVING. IT'S ABOUT GIVING THANKS, AS FAR 438 00:28:36,147 --> 00:28:44,355 AS I UNDERSTAND. ( APPLAUSE ) 439 00:28:44,422 --> 00:28:46,925 QUESTIONS. >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 440 00:28:46,991 --> 00:28:49,260 HAVE YOU CELEBRATED-- YOU'VE BEEN IN THE STATE FOR A LONG 441 00:28:49,327 --> 00:28:52,263 TIME. >> I HAVE, AND WE DO CELEBRATE 442 00:28:52,330 --> 00:28:53,498 IT. IN FACT, I HAVE AMERICAN FRIENDS 443 00:28:53,565 --> 00:28:57,368 AS WELL SO I CELEBRATE -- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE AMERICAN 444 00:28:57,435 --> 00:28:59,070 FRIENDS! >> I'VE CELEBRATED FOR QUITE A 445 00:28:59,137 --> 00:29:01,940 LONG TIME. I DO, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY MY 446 00:29:02,006 --> 00:29:03,174 FAVORITE HOLIDAY. ( APPLAUSE ). 447 00:29:03,241 --> 00:29:06,377 SOMETHING ABOUT-- IT IS A GOOD ONE. 448 00:29:06,444 --> 00:29:10,081 IT IS A GOOD ONE. IT IS NONDENOMINATIONAL. 449 00:29:10,148 --> 00:29:11,616 IT'S GOING OUT AND GIVING THANKS. 450 00:29:11,683 --> 00:29:13,518 >> IT FEELS THAT WAY. >> Stephen: AND YOU GET A 451 00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:15,453 CHANCE TO SAY THAT TO EVERYBODY AT THE TABLE. 452 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:20,058 WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING DISHES BEFORE THE SHOW WITH SOME 453 00:29:20,125 --> 00:29:24,696 OF THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS. COULDO YOU HAVE A GO-TO, OR BRIG 454 00:29:24,762 --> 00:29:27,966 SOMETHING FROM THE OLD COUNTRY, OR IS IT SORT OF AMERICAN 455 00:29:28,032 --> 00:29:30,802 PUMPKIN EVERY COURSE? >> NOT SO GOOD WITH THE FIXINGS 456 00:29:30,869 --> 00:29:32,270 AND THINGS. >> Stephen: REALLY, YOU DON'T 457 00:29:32,337 --> 00:29:36,741 LIKE THE CRANBERRY SAUCE. >> OH, CRANBERRY SAUCE, YES. 458 00:29:36,808 --> 00:29:38,810 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT STUFFING? 459 00:29:38,877 --> 00:29:44,749 >> I THINK IT'S AN ABOMINATION. ( LAUGHTER ) 460 00:29:44,816 --> 00:29:49,454 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU SEEN ENGLISH FOOD? 461 00:29:49,521 --> 00:29:52,457 ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE 462 00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:55,894 SAVORY PUDDINGS. >> WE DO HAVE SAVORY PUDDINGS 463 00:29:55,960 --> 00:30:00,732 GLI WILL NOT TAKE CULINARY CRITIQUE FROM A COUNTRY THAT HAS 464 00:30:00,798 --> 00:30:03,067 A KIDNEY PIE. >> STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE. 465 00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:07,138 >> Stephen: STEAK AND KIDNEY PIE, OKAY, TRY TO DISGUISE THE 466 00:30:07,205 --> 00:30:10,575 ORGAN MEATS IN THERE. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST 467 00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,711 STUFFING? IT'S WET BREAD THAT YOU MIX WITH 468 00:30:13,778 --> 00:30:17,549 HERBS-- >> AND STUFF UP THE ASS OF A 469 00:30:17,615 --> 00:30:19,317 CHICKEN-- OR TURKEY. >> Stephen: EITHER ONE. 470 00:30:19,384 --> 00:30:23,621 >> I THINK IT SHOULD BE COOKED SEPARATELY, BUT YOU DON'T BRING 471 00:30:23,688 --> 00:30:26,724 IT ANYMORE NEAR THE BIRD. >> Stephen: BUT IF YOU DON'T 472 00:30:26,791 --> 00:30:31,229 PUT IT IN THE BIRD, YOU DON'T GET THE TRICKLE OF SALMONELLA. 473 00:30:31,296 --> 00:30:33,565 >> THAT'S WHAT THE GRIEVE IS FOR. 474 00:30:33,631 --> 00:30:36,534 I DON'T THINK YOU NEED IT. IT'S TOO COMPLICATED. 475 00:30:36,601 --> 00:30:39,737 >> Stephen: IT'S TOO COMPLICATED TO PUT WET BREAD 476 00:30:39,804 --> 00:30:42,006 INSIDE A BIRD? >> IT IS FOR ME. 477 00:30:42,073 --> 00:30:45,076 >> Stephen: OH... ( APPLAUSE ) 478 00:30:45,143 --> 00:30:50,582 DISTURBING WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT. IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT. 479 00:30:50,648 --> 00:30:57,655 >> IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER ) 480 00:30:57,722 --> 00:31:01,459 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE-- THIS IS WRONG. 481 00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:03,161 THIS IS... THIS IS WRONG. 482 00:31:03,228 --> 00:31:08,366 THIS IS WRONG. I CAN'T LET YOU GO-- I CAN'T-- 483 00:31:08,433 --> 00:31:09,934 >> DON'T. >> Stephen: I CAN'T LET YOU GO 484 00:31:10,001 --> 00:31:12,303 WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT THE THING THAT PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT 485 00:31:12,370 --> 00:31:17,008 RIGHT NOW, AND, YOU KNOW, NOT A SPONSOR OF MY SHOW, BUT THE GOOD 486 00:31:17,075 --> 00:31:21,980 PEOPLE AT BELVEDERE VODKA HIRED YOU JUST TO FOLLOW YOU IN YOUR 487 00:31:22,046 --> 00:31:23,181 NATURAL HABITAT. >> YES. 488 00:31:23,248 --> 00:31:25,750 >> Stephen: JUST DOING WHAT YOU NATURALLY DO. 489 00:31:25,817 --> 00:31:28,987 ENJOYING SOME VODKA. >> IT'S HOW I CHECK INTO A 490 00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:30,955 HOTEL. >> Stephen: AND HERE IT IS, 491 00:31:31,022 --> 00:31:33,625 JIM. ♪ ♪ ♪ 492 00:31:33,691 --> 00:31:40,565 ♪ AH, AH AH, AH. 493 00:31:40,632 --> 00:31:48,039 ♪ EVERYBODY SAY HUH. ♪ ♪ ♪ 494 00:31:48,106 --> 00:31:51,309 YEAH 3 BRING IT OVER HERE KEEP IT GOING. 495 00:31:51,376 --> 00:31:55,913 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST ENDLESS 496 00:31:55,980 --> 00:32:00,318 SHE CAME TO MY HOUSE IN SUSPENDERS ♪ 497 00:32:00,385 --> 00:32:09,827 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LIKE YOU'RE HAVING MORE FUN THAN 498 00:32:09,894 --> 00:32:15,633 EVERYBODY ELSE? >> WELL, YOU KNOW. 499 00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:19,604 ROOTS... >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR DANCE 500 00:32:19,671 --> 00:32:20,705 BACKGROUND. >> NIL, NONE. 501 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:22,473 >> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GET THE HOT MEFS? 502 00:32:22,540 --> 00:32:26,844 >> TAIKA SAID CAN YOU DANCE? I SAID NOT REALLY. 503 00:32:26,911 --> 00:32:31,449 WE GOT ONE OF THE BEST CHOREOGRAPHERS AROUND WHO JUST 504 00:32:31,516 --> 00:32:33,551 BASICALLY LOOSENED ME UP. BECAUSE I CAN'T COUNT. 505 00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:35,253 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T COUNT. 506 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,122 >> IT'S QUITE IMPORTANT IN DANCING SOMETIMES TO BE ABLE TO 507 00:32:38,189 --> 00:32:42,293 COUNT, WHEN TO COME IN. SO HE JUST SHOUTEDDA THE ME, 508 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:45,697 "GO!" AND I GOT-- "LOOSEN UP! 509 00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:48,900 LET ME SEE THOSE HIMSELF." >> Stephen: NOTHING MAKES YOU 510 00:32:48,966 --> 00:32:53,438 LOOSEN UP MORE THAN SOMEONE SHOUTING, "LOOSEN UP! 511 00:32:53,504 --> 00:32:57,608 LET ME SEE THOSE HIPS!" YOU HAVE A FALLBACK POSITION 512 00:32:57,675 --> 00:32:58,776 NOW. >> MY GOODNESS. 513 00:32:58,843 --> 00:33:00,945 IT'S TAKEN ME LONG ENOUGH TO FIND ONE. 514 00:33:01,012 --> 00:33:02,513 >> Stephen: DANIEL, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 515 00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:04,716 >> IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: CHEERS. 516 00:33:04,782 --> 00:33:06,984 THERE YOU GO. MY BEST TO YOUR WIFE. 517 00:33:07,051 --> 00:33:10,421 HAPPY THANKSGIVING. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 518 00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:11,956 >> Stephen: "GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT MYSTERY" WILL BE IN 519 00:33:12,023 --> 00:33:13,825 THEATERS FOR ONE WEEK ONLY STARTING THIS WEDNESDAY AND 520 00:33:13,891 --> 00:33:17,595 PREMIERES ON NETFLIX DECEMBER 23. 521 00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:20,031 WATCH IT! DANIEL CRAIG, EVERYBODY. 522 00:33:20,098 --> 00:33:21,799 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN JOSH JOHNSON. 523 00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,745 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK! 524 00:33:33,811 --> 00:33:38,816 >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND 525 00:33:38,883 --> 00:33:42,286 HOST OF THE PODCAST "THE JOSH JOHNSON SHOW." 526 00:33:42,353 --> 00:33:44,956 PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOSH JOHNSON. 527 00:33:45,022 --> 00:33:54,165 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 528 00:33:54,232 --> 00:34:03,708 EVERYBODY GOOD? I LIVED IN NEW YORK FOR SIX 529 00:34:03,775 --> 00:34:06,344 YEARS NOW. I FEEL LIKE I'M FINALLY STARTING 530 00:34:06,411 --> 00:34:11,115 TO NOTICE THINGS I DIDN'T NOTICE INITIALLY I MOVED HERE. 531 00:34:11,182 --> 00:34:14,852 I WAS TOO OVERWHELMED BEING IN A NEW PLACE. 532 00:34:14,919 --> 00:34:18,990 THERE'S A SEWING AN, IT'S ON THE TRAIN-- IT'S ON EVERY TRAIN, AT 533 00:34:19,056 --> 00:34:22,693 EVERY STOP: "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING." 534 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,264 SO YOU HAVE SEEN IT, ALL RIGHT. "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY 535 00:34:26,330 --> 00:34:29,067 SOMETHING." MY QUESTION IS, TO WHO? 536 00:34:29,133 --> 00:34:32,770 LIKE WHO, EXACTLY, AM I SUPPOSED-- DON'T GET ME WRONG. 537 00:34:32,837 --> 00:34:36,040 I'M A SNITCH, ALL RIGHT. I HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING ON 538 00:34:36,107 --> 00:34:38,776 ANYBODY. I HAVE BEEN A BITCH FOR A LONG 539 00:34:38,843 --> 00:34:39,944 TIME. I'M GOOD AT IT. 540 00:34:40,011 --> 00:34:42,747 I SAY, "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!" 541 00:34:42,814 --> 00:34:45,116 BUT LET'S SAY IT'S HAPPENING, WE'RE IN THE SITUATION RIGHT 542 00:34:45,183 --> 00:34:49,420 NOW, CRAZY DUDE ON THE TRAIN, BITING ANOTHER DUDE'S ANKLE, 543 00:34:49,487 --> 00:34:52,590 OKAY, AND BITING HIM GOOD, LIKE GETTING MEAT OFF THE BONE, ALL 544 00:34:52,657 --> 00:34:54,926 RIGHT. I SEE THAT, WHO DO I SAY 545 00:34:54,992 --> 00:34:57,829 SOMETHING TO? DO I SAY SOMETHING WANT TO GUY 546 00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:59,363 BITING, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU GET STABBED. 547 00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:03,100 YOU MIGHT AS WELL WALK UP AND SAY, "CAN YOU STAB ME WHEN 548 00:35:03,167 --> 00:35:06,471 YOU'RE DONE BITING HIM BECAUSE I FEEL LEFT OR HONESTLY." 549 00:35:06,537 --> 00:35:09,607 DO I SAY SOMETHING TO THE GUY BEING BIT BECAUSE HE KNOWS. 550 00:35:09,674 --> 00:35:13,911 HE DOESN'T NEED MY HELP. I DO SAY SOMETHING TO A COP? 551 00:35:13,978 --> 00:35:17,315 YOU WON'T SEE SOMEONE FOR ANOTHER 60 STOPS. 552 00:35:17,381 --> 00:35:19,350 OR DO I SAY SOMETHING TO THE PERSON AT THE BOOTH. 553 00:35:19,417 --> 00:35:23,221 YOU KNOW THE AT EVERY STATION AT THE LITTLE BOOTH THAT DOESN'T 554 00:35:23,287 --> 00:35:28,526 CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM? THEY'VE SEEN TOO MUCH.3 555 00:35:28,593 --> 00:35:30,695 AND TATHEIR INTERCOM IS ALWAYS BROKEN. 556 00:35:30,761 --> 00:35:33,898 I FEEL LIKE THE INTERCOM IS BROKEN BECAUSE ON THEIR FIRST 557 00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:37,935 DAY OF WORKING THE TRAIN THEY GOT A TOUR OF THE TRAIN AND THEY 558 00:35:38,002 --> 00:35:41,105 SAW WHAT IT WAS LINING. THEY SOUGHT SITUATIONS YOU CAN 559 00:35:41,172 --> 00:35:44,675 GET IN. SO THEY CALMLY WALKED BACK TO 560 00:35:44,742 --> 00:35:48,012 THE LITTLE BOOTH, THEY WALKED UP TO THEIR INTERCOM, AND THEY WERE 561 00:35:48,079 --> 00:35:52,850 LIKE, NOPE. AND YOU'RE SAYING, "THE GUY IS 562 00:35:52,917 --> 00:36:05,496 GETTING OFF-- "AND HE'S THIS LIKE WHICH BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T 563 00:36:05,563 --> 00:36:08,232 UNDERSTAND THEM. ALL THEY'RE SAYING IS, "I'M NOT 564 00:36:08,299 --> 00:36:16,140 GETTING FROM BEHIND THE GLASS." THEY'RE JUST LIKE, WHY WOULD I 565 00:36:16,207 --> 00:36:18,743 DO THAT? I'M SAFE RIGHT NOW? 566 00:36:18,809 --> 00:36:23,047 YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN AN UBER. THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM." 567 00:36:23,114 --> 00:36:30,755 ( APPLAUSE ) ABLE TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD 568 00:36:30,821 --> 00:36:33,324 DOING COMEDY EVERYTHING AND. AND I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S AN 569 00:36:33,391 --> 00:36:36,561 AMERICAN THING. BUT FOR EVERY COUNTRY THEY GO 570 00:36:36,627 --> 00:36:40,398 TO, ALL I CAN DO IN MY HEAD WHILE I'M THERE IS COMPARE. 571 00:36:40,464 --> 00:36:42,700 WHAT DO THEY DO? WHAT DO WE DO? 572 00:36:42,767 --> 00:36:45,836 WHO DOES IT BETTER? AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY IN ALL 573 00:36:45,903 --> 00:36:49,807 THE COUNTRIES I HAVE BEEN TO, I FOUND TWO THINGS THEY GENUINELY 574 00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:53,511 BELIEVE WE DO BETTER IN THE U.S. THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY I'VE BEEN 575 00:36:53,578 --> 00:37:00,952 TO. ONE IS MILITARY. 576 00:37:01,018 --> 00:37:02,153 OOF! WHO'S TOUCHING US? 577 00:37:02,219 --> 00:37:06,023 BE HONEST, THINK ABOUT IT. WHO DO YOU GO TO BED IN FEAR OF? 578 00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:08,726 WE FORGET WHAT A PRIVILEGE THAT IS, THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE 579 00:37:08,793 --> 00:37:12,396 IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD THAT IF TO BED IN GENUINE FEAR OF 580 00:37:12,463 --> 00:37:14,865 THEIR NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH, SOUTH, EAST WEST. 581 00:37:14,932 --> 00:37:18,102 WE DON'T HAVE THAT AT ALL. WE'RE NOT SCARED OF OUR 582 00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:22,473 NEIGHBORS TO NORTH AND SOUTH. I WISH CANADA WOULD! 583 00:37:22,540 --> 00:37:25,509 I WISH CANADA WOULD CATCH A TONE. 584 00:37:25,576 --> 00:37:28,713 DO YOU SNND WE WOULD SLAP THE MAPLE OUT OF CANADA, ALL RIGHT? 585 00:37:28,779 --> 00:37:35,620 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THE OTHER ONE THAT I TRULY 586 00:37:35,686 --> 00:37:41,325 BELIEVE WE DO BETTER THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY I'VE BEEN TO IS 587 00:37:41,392 --> 00:37:43,461 FLAVORS. WE HAVE THE BEST FLAVORS HERE. 588 00:37:43,527 --> 00:37:46,931 ( LAUGHTER ) RULES. 589 00:37:46,998 --> 00:37:50,001 YOU KNOW? OTHER COUNTRIES, YOU ASK THEM, 590 00:37:50,067 --> 00:37:52,303 THEIR FAVORITE FLAVORS ARE SWEET, SOUR, BITTER. 591 00:37:52,370 --> 00:37:55,906 IN AMERICA, YOU ASK SOMEONE THEIR FAVORITE FLAVOR AND 592 00:37:55,973 --> 00:38:00,778 THEY'RE LIKE, "MY FAVORITE FLAVOR, BLUE." 593 00:38:00,845 --> 00:38:07,585 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU EVER HAD THAT GOOD BLUE, 594 00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:11,455 LIKE THE BLUE-BLUE, MAKE YOUR TONGUE BLUE? 595 00:38:11,522 --> 00:38:13,224 SHOW PEOPLE. AAHs H. 596 00:38:13,290 --> 00:38:16,394 THAT'S THE BEST BLUE." THERE ARE COUNTRIES WHOSE 597 00:38:16,460 --> 00:38:18,796 PALLETS HAVE BEEN DESIGNED AROUND THE FRUITS AND NUTS. 598 00:38:18,863 --> 00:38:21,866 THEY LOVE PASSION FRUIT, PAPAYA, PECANS. 599 00:38:21,932 --> 00:38:24,802 IN AMERICA WE'RE LIKE,s, WHAT DID THAT PURPLE DO? 600 00:38:24,869 --> 00:38:28,606 THIS PURPLE REAL GOOD. LET ME SEE WHAT THAT PURPLE 601 00:38:28,673 --> 00:38:31,108 ABOUT?" DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? 602 00:38:31,175 --> 00:38:32,710 OTHER COUNTRIES ARE FULL OF REASONABLE PEOPLE. 603 00:38:32,777 --> 00:38:36,847 ALL RIGHT, REASONABLE PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE, "HERE'S WHAT WE'RE 604 00:38:36,914 --> 00:38:39,917 GOING TO PULL FROM THE EARTH TO SPICE OUR DISHES TO MAKE THEM 605 00:38:39,984 --> 00:38:43,621 DELICIOUS, RIGHT." WE ALL WENT TO INDIA TONIGHT AND 606 00:38:43,688 --> 00:38:46,323 GOT TRADITIONAL INDIAN FOOD, IT WOULD BE AMAZING. 607 00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:55,332 YOU WOULD TAKE THE T TUMOR RIC, THE CUMIN. 608 00:38:55,399 --> 00:38:59,203 MEANWHILE, IN AMERICA, WE'RE LIKE... 609 00:38:59,270 --> 00:39:14,151 I WANT TO PASTE BIRTHDAY. ( APPLAUSE ) 610 00:39:14,218 --> 00:39:15,386 I WANT TO PASTE BIRTHDAY. ( APPLAUSE ) 611 00:39:15,453 --> 00:39:20,891 THAT WAS PITCHED, SOMEBODY WAS LIKE, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" 612 00:39:20,958 --> 00:39:25,096 AND THEY WERE LIKE YOU HEARD ME, I WANT MY BIRTHDAY IN MY MOUTH 613 00:39:25,162 --> 00:39:27,498 WHENEVER I WANT. AND THEY'RE LIKE, YOU KNOW YOUR 614 00:39:27,565 --> 00:39:31,969 BIRTHDAY IS A DAY, A TIME." "WHY ARE YOU BEING A HATER?" 615 00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:36,240 I'M NOT GOING TO LIE. I DON'T JUDGE ANYONE BUT I AM 616 00:39:36,307 --> 00:39:40,344 GENUINELY BLOWN AWAY AT THE LEVEL OF VACCINE HESITANCY IN 617 00:39:40,411 --> 00:39:44,248 THIS COUNTRY AND PEOPLE WITH A BIRTHDAY ON THE FIRST DAY. 618 00:39:44,315 --> 00:39:48,919 PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THE BACKSEAT, BIRTHDAY 619 00:39:48,986 --> 00:39:52,790 HAS BEEN ON THE BACK SEAT THREE HOURS. 620 00:39:52,857 --> 00:39:57,394 IT TASTES LIKE PURPLE. Y'ALL, THANK YOU. 621 00:39:57,461 --> 00:40:02,032 I'M JOSH JOHNSON >> Stephen: YOU CAN CATCH "THE 622 00:40:02,099 --> 00:40:03,567 JOSH JOHNSON SHOW" EVERY THURSDAY WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR 623 00:40:03,634 --> 00:40:07,338 PODCASTS. JOSH JOHNSON, EVERYBODY. 624 00:40:07,404 --> 00:40:07,972 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 625 00:40:17,148 --> 00:40:18,415 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 626 00:40:18,482 --> 00:40:22,186 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE CATE BLANCHETT AND PAUL 627 00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,688 DANO. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 628 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:25,189 GOOD NIGHT.