1 00:00:01,868 --> 00:00:03,670 >> PRESIDENT BIDEN PARDONED THIS 2 00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:06,773 YEAR'S TIR TURKEY CHOCOLATE AND CHIP RINGING IN THE 75th 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,076 ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATIONAL TRADITION AND KICKING OFF THIS 4 00:00:10,143 --> 00:00:12,379 WEEK'S THANKSGIVING CELEBRATIONS. 5 00:00:12,445 --> 00:00:14,614 >> CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS' TOP PRIORITY IS TO GO AFTER 6 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:18,585 PRESIDENT BIDEN WITH POLITICALLY MOTIVATED ATTACKS. 7 00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:23,957 >> THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT FROM THE GOP. 8 00:00:24,023 --> 00:00:28,061 >> TURKEYS, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. MENACING OUR STREETS, ATTACKING 9 00:00:28,128 --> 00:00:32,065 OUR CITIZENS. BUT INSTEAD OF CRACKING DOWN ON 10 00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:36,236 THIS FOUL FOWL JOE BIDEN WANTS TO PARDON THEM. 11 00:00:36,302 --> 00:00:39,105 >> I HEARBY PARDON CHOCOLATE AND CHIP. 12 00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:42,142 >> AND IF YOU DON'T THINK JOE'S HANDS ARE DIRTY, THEN WHY DOES 13 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:46,212 HIS HAND LOOK LIKE THIS? (LAUGHTER) 14 00:00:46,279 --> 00:00:51,551 SORRY, JOE, YOU CAN'T KRANBURY THE TRUTH. 15 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,787 BIG TURKEY HAS GOT YOU BY THE GIBLETS. 16 00:00:53,853 --> 00:01:00,460 JOE BIDEN, SOFT ON POULTRY, SOFT ON CRIME. 17 00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:04,497 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" 18 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:11,438 TONIGHT: CATE BLANCHETT TAKES THE 19 00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:14,974 "COLBERT QUESTIONERT!" PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 20 00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:20,113 PAUL DANO AND MUSICAL GUEST, 21 00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:24,751 HOLLY HUMBERSTONE FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE 22 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:30,924 LATE SHOW BAND! AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 23 00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:41,034 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 24 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:49,442 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY. 25 00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:58,651 GOOD TO SEE YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 26 00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:02,555 HAPPY TUESDAY! HELLO! 27 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,290 THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, HAVE A 28 00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:06,526 SEAT, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 29 00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:12,732 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS-- DO YOU FEEL THAT. 30 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:18,638 WITH AN AUDIENCE THIS HOT, I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE GYM. 31 00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:21,741 (LAUGHTER) YOU GUYS GIVE ME STRENGTH, I BET 32 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:33,987 I COULD BENCH 240. BOOM! 33 00:02:34,053 --> 00:02:35,421 (LAUGHTER) FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO SAY, I TRIED 34 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:38,324 TO PREPARE. I GOT MY FLU SHOT. 35 00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:40,793 I GOT MY BIVALENT COVID BOOSTER. BUT, THE ONE THING I DID NOT 36 00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:52,605 PREPARE FOR WAS WORLD CUP FEVER. SYMPTOMS INCLUDE GETTING A 37 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:57,810 LITTLE ACHY AND GETTING EXCITED ABOUT SCORELESS TIES. 38 00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,879 IT'S BY FAR THE BIGGEST SPORTING EVENT IN THE WORLD, BUT THIS 39 00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:01,848 YEAR, THERE'S BEEN A CLOUD OVER THE WORLD CUP, BECAUSE IT'S 40 00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:04,050 BEING PLAYED IN QATAR, A DESERT COUNTRY WITH A REPRESSIVE REGIME 41 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,219 AND A TERRIBLE HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD, WHERE THEIR LEADERS 42 00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:10,056 HAVE MADE HOMOSEXUALITY ILLEGAL. IT'S LIKE IF RON DeSANTIS HAD 43 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:16,496 OIL. SO, AFTER QATAR WAS ANNOUNCED AS 44 00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:20,633 HOST, SEVEN EUROPEAN COUNTRIES WANTED TO SUPPORT THE 45 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:24,604 L.G.B.T.Q.+ COMMUNITY BY HAVING THEIR CAPTAINS WEAR AN ARMBAND 46 00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:30,343 THAT SAYS "ONE LOVE." ITS HE VERY NICE, IT ALSO 47 00:03:30,410 --> 00:03:32,412 WHICH MAKES SENSE. SOCCER PLAYERS DON'T CARE WHAT 48 00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:37,984 YOU DO IN THE BEDROOM, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T USE YOUR HANDS. 49 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:43,957 OKAY? FEET, HEAD. 50 00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:47,994 (APPLAUSE) NOW 51 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,129 THEY PLANNED THESE ARMBANDS FOR MONTHS. 52 00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:53,032 BUT THEN, JUST TWO DAYS AGO, FIFA THREATENED THAT ANY CAPTAIN 53 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:57,770 WITH THE ARMBAND WOULD BE GIVEN A YELLOW CARD. 54 00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:00,340 OKAY, A YELLOW CARD, WHICH IS... 55 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:06,112 BAD? IS IT GLOOD? 56 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:09,515 BANANA COUPON? I DON'T FOLLOW THE GAME. 57 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,584 PEOPLE WERE OUTRAGED BY THIS. SO, IN RESPONSE, FIFA SAID 58 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:15,955 THEY'D ISSUE THEIR OWN ARMBANDS THAT SUPPORT VARIED CAUSES, LIKE 59 00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:17,857 "HASHTAG FOOTBALL UNITES THE WORLD," "HASHTAG "BE ACTIVE," 60 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:21,928 AND "HASHTAG BRING THE MOVES." YES, THE POWERFUL SOCIAL JUSTICE 61 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:25,465 MESSAGE OF "BRING THE MOVES." REMINDS ME OF THE STIRRING 62 00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:31,437 WORDS OF M.L.K.: "I HAVE A DREAM, THAT ONE DAY WE 63 00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:37,410 WILL ALL SHAKE OUR GROOVE THANG. TAKE ME TO FUNKYTOWN!" 64 00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:41,748 THEN YESTERDAY, FIFA ORDERED BELGIUM TO REMOVE THE WORD 65 00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:47,353 "LOVE" FROM THEIR SHIRTS. YES, THE WORD "LOVE" IS AN 66 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,989 INAPPROPRIATE MESSAGE ON A SOCCER JERSEY. 67 00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:53,960 THAT SACRED SPACE IS RESERVED FOR CELEBRATING IMPORTANT IDEAS, 68 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,296 LIKE MEDICAL FLIM-FLAM HUCKSTERS, RUSSIAN STATE OIL 69 00:04:57,363 --> 00:05:06,039 CONGLOMERATES, AND DONG. THAT'S A POWERFUL MESSAGE. 70 00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:13,212 HASHTAG DONG. THE HOMOPHOBIA THERE IS SO 71 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,549 EXTREME, WE'VE HEARD REPORTS THAT RAINBOW-WEARING FANS HAVE 72 00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:18,818 BEEN REFUSED ENTRY TO THE GAMES. THEY'RE BANNING LOVE AND 73 00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:21,888 RAINBOWS. BASICALLY, FIFA IS THE BAD GUY 74 00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:25,925 IN A "CARE BEARS" MOVIE. "HUGS AND FRIENDSHIP WILL BE 75 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:31,197 DESTROYED, ONCE I UNLEASH THE POWER OF MY DIS-LOVINATOR 76 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:34,267 MACHINE! ALSO, NO BEER! 77 00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:42,709 MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" THERE IS ONE TEAM NOT AFRAID TO 78 00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:45,044 PROTEST, BECAUSE YESTERDAY BEFORE THEIR MATCH AGAINST 79 00:05:45,111 --> 00:05:48,347 ENGLAND, IRAN'S PLAYERS REMAINED SILENT DURING THEIR NATIONAL 80 00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:50,983 ANTHEM IN AN APPARENT PROTEST OF THE IRANIAN REGIME. 81 00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:53,486 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEAH, COME ON. 82 00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:58,591 THAT HAS CONSEQUENCES. I MEAN THAT'S A RISK. 83 00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:01,394 THAT-- WHAT'S THE WORD, THAT'S INCREDIBLY BRAVE. 84 00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:04,263 OR, THEY FORGOT THE WORDS. IT HAPPENS. 85 00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:09,235 (SINGING) "OH, SAY CAN THOSE STRIPES... 86 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:16,843 WITH THE FLAG THAT'S GOT THE STRIPEY. 87 00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:19,912 OH, CAAANADA PLAY BALL. 88 00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:21,981 WORD IS, THE PLAYERS WERE EXPRESSING SOLIDARITY WITH 89 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:28,321 IRANIAN WOMEN, WHO HAVE TAKEN TO THE STREETS IN THE LAST TWO 90 00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:29,856 MONTHS, AFTER A 22-YEAR-OLD NAMED MAHSA AMINI DIED IN 91 00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:31,958 POLICE CUSTODY. THE TEAM WASN'T ALONE. 92 00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:33,960 IRANIAN FANS MADE THEIR DISPLEASURE KNOWN OUTSIDE 93 00:06:34,026 --> 00:06:37,296 STADIUMS, AND DISPLAYED THE SLOGAN OF THE MOVEMENT: 94 00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:42,401 "WOMEN, LIFE, FREEDOM." "WHAT ARE... THREE THINGS THAT 95 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:45,071 ARE ILLEGAL IN QATAR?" (/ BELL RINGS/ ) 96 00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:53,446 >> A FREE TRIP TO NOT GO TO THE WORLD CUP, AND HAVING AS MUCH 97 00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:55,481 BEER AS YOU CAN DRINK ON YOUR NEW DINING ROOM SET FROM 98 00:06:55,548 --> 00:07:02,789 BROYHILL. BACK TO YOU, STEVE! 99 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:05,525 >> Stephen: WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON, THIS JUST IN, WE JUST FOUND 100 00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:07,026 THIS OUT. >> Stephen: HEY, REMEMBER HOW 101 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,394 THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS THE ONLY ONE IN MODERN HISTORY TO 102 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:15,301 NEVER RELEASE HIS TAXES? AND THAT THE HOUSE WAYS AND 103 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,702 MEANS COMMITTEE HAS BEEN FIGHTING TO SEE THOSE TAXES 104 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:20,072 SINCE 2019? UGH, 2019. 105 00:07:20,139 --> 00:07:26,112 WE WERE SO INNOCENT. "N-95" WAS JUST A BINGO NUMBER, 106 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:29,916 PETE DAVIDSON WAS DATING KATE BECKINSALE, AND JANUARY 6th WAS 107 00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:34,587 JUST NATIONAL BEAN DAY. OF COURSE, EVERY STEP OF THE 108 00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:39,058 WAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO 109 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,594 OBSTRUCT AND DELAY THE RELEASE OF HIS TAXES, GOING ALL THE WAY 110 00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:43,663 TO THE SUPREME COURT. BUT, I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE, BY 111 00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:46,032 THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK, THAT 112 00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:48,835 JUST A FEW HOURS AGO, THE SUPREME COURT REJECTED THE 113 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:52,572 FORMER PRESIDENT, CLEARING THE WAY FOR THE HOUSE WAYS AND MEANS 114 00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:58,578 COMMITTEE TO GET SIX YEARS OF HIS TAX RETURNS. 115 00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:06,085 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S A LONG TIME COMING. 116 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:11,624 THAT'S A LONG TIME. NOW WE CAN FINALLY FIND OUT IF 117 00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:21,000 HE WROTE OFF ERIC AS A LOSS. (LAUGHTER) 118 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,835 KEEP IN MIND, THIS SUPREME COURT IS COMPOSED OF THREE OF HIS 119 00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:26,772 NOMINEES. AND THEY STILL REJECTED HIM! 120 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:31,410 NORMALLY, TO GET THREE PEOPLE TO REJECT HIS REQUEST, HE HAS TO 121 00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:38,251 MARRY THEM. REALLY, AK, REALLY, YOU KNOW 122 00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:39,886 WHAT IS HE LIKE. THAT'S NOT THE ONLY BAD NEWS FOR 123 00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:44,023 THE FORMER PRESIDENT. YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THAT 124 00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:45,658 THE MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE HAS 125 00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:48,327 JUMP-STARTED ITS CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION INTO HIS HUSH 126 00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:54,200 MONEY PAYMENTS TO PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS. 127 00:08:54,267 --> 00:09:00,740 THAT'S RIGHT, STORMY DANIELS IS BACK, BABY! 128 00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:04,310 YEAH, FORGET 2019, IT'S 2018 ALL OVER AGAIN! 129 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,612 SO, BREAK OUT THE TIDE PODS, ARGUE OVER WHETHER WE HEARD 130 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,148 "LAUREL" OR "YANNY," AND SOMEBODY STUFF THAT THAI SOCCER 131 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:19,191 TEAM BACK IN THAT CAVE! THEY'RE FINE, THEY'RE ALL FINE. 132 00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:31,971 RON HOWARD MADE A MOVIE ABOUT IT, THEY'RE FINE. 133 00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:34,473 TO LIFE. IN FACT, THE PUSH FOR 134 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:40,913 PROSECUTION IS BEING CALLED THE "ZOMBIE THEORY." 135 00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:43,582 I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO ASSOCIATE THE FORMER PRESIDENT 136 00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:46,152 WITH ZOMBIES. I MEAN, HE ONLY GETS HIS HAIR 137 00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:51,390 FROM A CORPSE. (LAUGHTER) 138 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:58,030 HOW SOON WE FORGET. OH. 139 00:09:58,097 --> 00:09:59,899 OH. IT'S ONLY TWO MORE DAYS TO 140 00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:03,536 THANKSGIVING, WHICH MEANS YOU SHOULD'VE STARTED DRINKING THREE 141 00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:06,672 DAYS AGO. PRESIDENT BIDEN KICKED OFF THE 142 00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:10,142 HOLIDAY EARLY AT A MILITARY BASE IN NORTH CAROLINA, WHERE HE HAD 143 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,445 A MEAL WITH MARINES AND THEIR FAMILIES, AND HE GAVE A SPEECH 144 00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:15,815 WHERE HE SHOUTED OUT THE YOUNGSTERS: 145 00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:18,718 >> NOW, IMAGINE. THIS HAS TO BE BORING, BORING, 146 00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:21,420 BORING, BORING, FOR THESE KIDS TO BE STANDING UP HERE. 147 00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:23,422 YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. 148 00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:28,194 INCLUDING, GO STEAL A PUMPKIN, IF YOU WANT. 149 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:30,930 >> Stephen: YES, THE PRESIDENT TOLD THEM TO STEAL A PUMPKIN. 150 00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:33,833 BUT THAT IS A WELCOME CHANGE FROM A FEW YEARS AGO, WHEN A 151 00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:38,304 PUMPKIN TRIED TO STEAL THE PRESIDENCY. 152 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,105 (APPLAUSE) THERE YOU GO. 153 00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:43,342 THERE YOU GO! FOUND THAT SWEET SPOT. 154 00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:46,145 >> THE DELIVERY. >> Stephen: DON'T MAKE FUN OF 155 00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:51,984 HIS WIFE OR HIS HAIR. BIDEN THANKED THE TROOPS FOR 156 00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:55,855 THEIR SERVICE, AND THEN TRIED AND SO DO WE AND HE TRIED 157 00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:57,156 HIS HAND AT A LITTLE COMEDY. >> SO ANYWAY, THANK YOU. 158 00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:58,758 THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE. 159 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:03,796 BY THE WAY, I'M SERVING MASHED POTATOES, SO COME TO MY PLACE. 160 00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:06,665 ALL KIDDING ASIDE, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. 161 00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:10,936 >> Stephen: THAT IS SO SWEET. IT'S A CLASSIC JOKE. 162 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:16,042 THAT IS REALLY LOVELY, BUT HE IS SERVING MASHED POTATOESES. 163 00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:17,576 IT'S CLASSIC JOKE. "KNOCK KNOCK!" 164 00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:20,913 "WHO'S THERE?" "I'M SERVING MASHED POTATOES." 165 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,114 "I'M SERVING MASHED POTATOES WHO?" 166 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:29,255 "ALL KIDDING ASIDE, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE." 167 00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:34,093 TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE. (APPLAUSE) 168 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,462 TURKEY'S NOT THE ONLY THING ON THE MENU GETTING YOU SLEEPY THIS 169 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:39,031 YEAR, BECAUSE WITH SO MANY STATES LEGALIZING RECREATIONAL 170 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:43,235 MARIJUANA, FOLKS HAVE BEGUN CELEBRATING "DANKSGIVING." 171 00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:47,073 BUT, YOUNGSTERS BE WARNED: DANKSGIVING CAN BE A GATEWAY 172 00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:57,883 TO HARDER HOLIDAYS, LIKE CRACKMAS, ROSH HASH-ANAH, AND 173 00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:06,725 ST. PATRICK'S DAY. THIS IS A BIG YEAR FOR 174 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:11,330 NEW YORKERS WHO ENJOY SATAN'S SPINACH, BECAUSE THE STATE HAS 175 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,666 JUST ISSUED ITS FIRST 36 DISPENSARY LICENSES FOR 176 00:12:13,732 --> 00:12:20,973 RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA. WOW. 177 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,243 NEW YORKERS ARE GOING TO BE SO EXCITED TO FINALLY TRY 178 00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:27,847 MARIJUANA! THESE DISPENSARIES CAN'T OPEN 179 00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:31,617 SOON ENOUGH, BECAUSE, DUE TO A SURPLUS SUPPLY AND NO WAY TO 180 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:34,386 SELL IT, THERE IS TOO MUCH WEED STOCKPILED IN NEW YORK RIGHT 181 00:12:34,453 --> 00:12:36,188 NOW. EXPERTS COULD TELL NEW YORK HAD 182 00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:39,258 TOO MUCH WEED WHEN IT LEFT THE PARTY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, 183 00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:41,393 SAT ON ITS BED IN THE DARK, AND GOOGLED "CAN YOU BE HIGH 184 00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:44,063 FOREVER?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 185 00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:49,034 TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE CATE BLANCHETT AND 186 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,871 PAUL DANO. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HELP 187 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:57,109 YOU PREPARE YOUR TURKEY. TAKER SOME NOTES. 188 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:39,218 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, GIVE IT UP FOR THE 189 00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:43,422 BAND, LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, BRING IT IN HOT. 190 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:49,762 (APPLAUSE) >> COME ON. 191 00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,730 >> Stephen: LOUIS, DO YOU HEAR THESE PEOPLE. 192 00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:54,300 >> I DO, ITS ENERGY. >> Stephen: I CERTAINLY HOPE 193 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,068 TOMORROW'S AUDIENCE IS AS GOOD AS THIS ONE. 194 00:13:56,135 --> 00:14:05,644 I JUST-- BUT THE ODDS WE WILL GET TWO IN A ROW THIS GOOD, 195 00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:07,646 IN-- INFINITESIMAL, VERY EXCITING N A LITTLE WHILE COMING 196 00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:13,018 OVER HERE, OR ANYWHERE SHE WANTSK ACTUALLY, THE GREAT CATE 197 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:17,022 BLANCHETT WILL TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT AND SHE CAN SIT 198 00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:20,092 ANYWHERE, SHE CAN LAY DOWN ON THE DESK IF SHE WANTS. 199 00:14:20,159 --> 00:14:26,232 AND THE INCREDIBLE PAUL DANO WHO PLAYS IN THE FABELMAN, THE NEW 200 00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:30,869 SPIELBERG MOVIE WILL BE OUT HERE IN ONE MOMENT. 201 00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:37,977 YOU KNOW FOLKS, THANKSGIVING IS A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY 202 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,478 HOLIDAY, BUT IT'S ALSO FILLED WITH ALL SORTS OF STRESSFUL 203 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,447 QUESTIONS: HOW TO DEAL WITH TRAFFIC? 204 00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:42,781 DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY DIETARY RESTRICTIONS? 205 00:14:42,848 --> 00:14:44,116 HOW TO MESS UP A STORE-BOUGHT PIE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT'S 206 00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:45,851 HOMEMADE? THANKFULLY, THERE IS A PLACE 207 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:48,187 DEDICATED TO ANSWERING YOUR THANKSGIVING QUESTIONS: 208 00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:51,957 THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE. IT'S A TOLL-FREE NUMBER TO GET 209 00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:54,727 HELP WITH TURKEY PREP FROM A TEAM OF EXPERTS. 210 00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:59,431 OR, OCCASIONALLY, FROM ME. BECAUSE, A FEW YEARS BACK, I 211 00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:01,133 WENT TO THEIR HEADQUARTERS IN ILLINOIS TO GIVE PEOPLE MY 212 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,703 ADVICE. LET'S TAKE A FOND LOOK BACK AT 213 00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:11,477 WHAT TV HISTORIANS CALL A "COLBERT CLASSIC." 214 00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:14,246 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: THE "LATE SHOW" 215 00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:15,881 PRESENTS: "STEPHEN COLBERT'S THANKSGIVING TURKEY TIPS." 216 00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:17,950 >> Stephen: I HEADED TO THE BUTTERBALL CALL CENTER IN 217 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,386 NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS, WHERE I MET CAROL MILLER, A 33-YEAR- 218 00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:24,556 BUTTERBALL VETERAN. >> WELCOME! 219 00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:26,125 >> Stephen: HAPPY THANKSGIVING! >> YOU TOO, YOU TOO. 220 00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:27,826 >> Stephen: SO... CAROL? >> THAT'S CORRECT. 221 00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:29,528 >> Stephen: WHAT MAKES A GOOD BUTTERBALL HOTLINER? 222 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:33,432 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? >> SOMEONE THAT HAS SOME FOODpB. 223 00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:36,268 >> Stephen: I'VE EATEN A LOT. I'VE EATEN A LOT. 224 00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:39,972 >> YEAH, YEAH, OKAY. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST 225 00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:41,073 QUESTION YOU'VE EVER GOT? >> SOMETIMES THEY CALL AND 226 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,910 WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY CAN RENT A TURKEY SUIT. 227 00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:45,844 >> Stephen: WHY DO THEY NEED A TURKEY SUIT? 228 00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,012 >> I DON'T ASK. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T ASK. 229 00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:48,180 >> I DON'T ASK. >> Stephen: ROLE PLAYING, MAYBE? 230 00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:49,315 >> I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: "YOU BE THE PILGRIM, 231 00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:54,320 I'LL BE THE TURKEY"? >> I'M NOT SURE. 232 00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:55,988 >> Stephen: "GO GET THE BASTER?" DO YOU HAVE A SECRET HANDSHAKE? 233 00:15:56,055 --> 00:15:56,789 >> I DON'T. I SHOULD. 234 00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:58,057 >> Stephen: LIKE THIS. >> LIKE THIS. 235 00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,658 >> Stephen: COME AT ME LIKE THIS AND THEN OUR THUMBS HOOK FROM 236 00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:00,459 BEHIND. >> ALL RIGHT. 237 00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,428 >> Stephen: AND YOU GO-- (GOBBLING) 238 00:16:02,494 --> 00:16:07,499 >> GOT IT. >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF VOICE 239 00:16:07,566 --> 00:16:11,236 SHOULD I BE USING? WHAT'S THE PHONE MANNER LIKE? 240 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,304 IS IT LIKE, "HI, THIS IS STEVE. CAN I TAKE"-- 241 00:16:12,371 --> 00:16:13,872 >> YES, YES! >> Stephen: REALLY? 242 00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:15,641 >> YES. >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT, LIKE, 243 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,076 (DEEP VOICE) "WELCOME TO THE BUTTERBALL 244 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:17,876 HOTLINE." >> NO. 245 00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:19,678 FIRST ONE. >> Stephen: NO, OKAY. 246 00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:22,548 >> THANK YOU. OKAY, WHEN YOU'RE DONE TALKING 247 00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:25,818 AND YOU'VE MADE THEM HAPPY, AND YOU SAY GOODBYE, YOU MAY WANT TO 248 00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:27,786 SAY "HAPPY THANKSGIVING." >> Stephen: IS IT MORE IMPORTANT 249 00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:30,589 TO HAVE A HAPPY BEGINNING OF THE PHONE CALL, OR SHOULD I GIVE 250 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,458 THEM A HAPPY ENDING? >> ALL THE WAY THROUGH. 251 00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:33,992 >> Stephen: ALL THE WAY. GOT IT. 252 00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:37,363 >> KEEP IT HAPPY. >> Stephen: ALL THE WAY THROUGH. 253 00:16:37,429 --> 00:16:39,498 >> INFORMATIVE. WHEN YOU'RE DONE, SEE THE BLACK 254 00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:42,534 BUTTON HERE? THAT'S GOING TO GET RELEASED, 255 00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:43,869 AND THEN YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CALL. 256 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,537 >> Stephen: THAT'S-- THE RELEASE IS RIGHT THERE? 257 00:16:45,604 --> 00:16:49,108 >> RIGHT. >> Stephen: SO, AFTER THE 258 00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,710 HAPPY ENDING, I HIT THE BLACK BUTTON FOR THE PHONE RELEASE. 259 00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:55,080 >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 260 00:16:55,147 --> 00:17:00,219 (LAUGHTER) THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 261 00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:01,353 >> ALL RIGHT, THANKS. GOOD LUCK. 262 00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:02,488 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. BUTTERBALL HOTLINE, LET'S BUTTER 263 00:17:02,554 --> 00:17:03,622 YOUR BALLS. >> I LIKE IT WELL DONE. 264 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,457 HOW WOULD YOU SUGGEST I COOK IT? >> Stephen: A LONG TIME. 265 00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:09,895 COOK IT A LONG TIME. HI, THIS IS CAROL. 266 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:12,865 WELCOME TO THE TURKEY TALK LINE. >> HI. 267 00:17:12,931 --> 00:17:19,571 CAROL, COOKING MY BUTTERBALL TURKEY BREAST WITH WINGS. 268 00:17:19,638 --> 00:17:25,411 AND, I PUT IT IN AT 325... >> Stephen: OH, BOY-- 269 00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:28,514 (LAUGHTER) ALUMINUM FOIL ON IT? 270 00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:32,184 >> Stephen: MM-HMM. >> AND THE MEAT THERMOMETER IS 271 00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:34,753 SAYING IT'S AT 188. >> Stephen: 188? 272 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:35,821 >> YES. >> Stephen: GET OUT OF THERE, 273 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:36,822 IT'S GOING TO BLOW! 188, THERE'S NO WAY YOU WANT A 274 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,824 TURKEY THAT HOT. >> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! 275 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:44,630 BECAUSE I FOLLOWED THE TIME ON THE INSTRUCTIONS. 276 00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:48,434 >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR NAME? >> SO-- WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME MY 277 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:49,368 NAME? >> Stephen: I'M TRYING TO CALM 278 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:52,004 YOU DOWN. YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE IN A PANIC. 279 00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:54,506 >> BECAUSE YOU'RE A TURKEY EXPERT. 280 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,809 WHEN I ANSWERED THE PHONE, YOU'RE DESCRIBED AS THE TURKEY 281 00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,076 EXPERT. >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S MOSTLY 282 00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:01,380 MARKETING. ( LAUGHTER ) 283 00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:03,916 >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE. 284 00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:06,118 BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE, THIS IS STEVE, HOW CAN I HELP 285 00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:08,720 YOU? >> OH, I HOPE YOU CAN. 286 00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:11,924 THIS IS REALLY A QUESTION ABOUT STUFFING. 287 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,992 >> Stephen: OKAY. DO YOU CALL IT STUFFING OR 288 00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:15,427 DRESSING? >> I CALL IT STUFFING. 289 00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:16,628 >> Stephen: OKAY. WRONG ANSWER. 290 00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:21,467 BYE-BYE. ( LAUGHTER ) 291 00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:24,269 NINER, THIS IS CHICAGO O'HARE TOWER. 292 00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:27,372 I NEED YOU TO GO TO 2,700 FEET, AND LEVEL OFF ON APPROACH. 293 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:28,607 PLEASE STAY IN A HOLDING PATTERN. 294 00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,944 WE WILL ADVICE. >> HELLO? 295 00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:35,147 >> Stephen: HELLO. IS THIS DELTA THREE-FIVE-NINER? 296 00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:38,617 >> NO, I'M CALLING THE BUTTERBALL... 297 00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:41,019 TURKEY... HOT LINE. 298 00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:43,822 >> Stephen: WELL, YOU'VE REACHED O'HARE TOWER. 299 00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:47,759 CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON? >> WHAT? 300 00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,828 >> Stephen: CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON THE PLANE ON? 301 00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:54,199 I NEED TO TALK TO THE PILOT OF THE PLANE. 302 00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:55,701 YOU'RE O APPROACH-- YOU'RE ON FINAL APPROACH TO RUNWAY... 303 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:56,835 >> NO! I'M NOT A-- NO! 304 00:18:56,902 --> 00:19:00,606 >> Stephen: MA'AM, IT IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE TO INTERRUPT 305 00:19:00,672 --> 00:19:04,443 WITH AVIONICS OR AVIATION. PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON RIGHT 306 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,612 NOW. YOU ARE DELTA THREE-FIVE-NINER 307 00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:13,285 ON APPROACH TO O'HARE. I'VE GOT PLANES STACKED UP ON 308 00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:14,753 O'HARE LIKE CORDWOOD RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT? 309 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,022 >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 310 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,257 >> Stephen: CAN I HAVE YOUR NAME, PLEASE? 311 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,224 >> NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. 312 00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:20,726 >> Stephen: I CAN'T HAVE YOUR NAME. 313 00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:22,194 ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAND THIS 314 00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:23,495 OVER TO HOMELAND SECURITY, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME YOUR NAME. 315 00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:25,163 >> WELL, YOU CAN DO THAT. >> Stephen: DELTA THREE-FIVE- 316 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:29,902 NINER, YOU ARE CLEARED TO LAND. >> I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE. 317 00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,404 ALL RIGHT? >> Stephen: WELL, I'M GOING TO 318 00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:36,842 CALL THE ARMY. ( LAUGHTER ) 319 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,777 GOOD PEOPLE AT THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE. 320 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:43,482 AND, TO EVERYONE I TALKED TO, MY I'M SO SORRY. 321 00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,150 WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO CATE 322 00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:46,652 BLANCHETT. 323 00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:10,576 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, I'M HERE WITH THE LOVELY AND 324 00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:14,212 TALENTED KAITD BLANCHETT. CATE, YOU KNOW I REALLY ENJOY 325 00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:17,983 HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL GUEST, ALWAYS ENJOY 326 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,353 TALKING TO YOU, EVEN THE NUMBER OF TIMES I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO 327 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:24,923 TALK WITH YOU OVER ZOOM, IT IS REALLY HARD TO GET TO KNOW 328 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:28,727 SOMEONE IN THE CONFINES OF ONE OF THESE INTERVIEWS WHERE WE ARE 329 00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:33,398 TALKING ABOUT THE MOVIE WE'VE GOT COMING OUT, TAR OR THE 330 00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:37,336 THINGS I HAVE SEEN YOU IN BEFORE. 331 00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:41,707 WE HAVEN'T. >> THERE IS NO THERE, THERE. 332 00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:42,941 >> ST HARD TO SAY. SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE AT THE LATE 333 00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:47,079 SHOW IS COME UP WITH SOMETHING CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT, 334 00:20:47,145 --> 00:20:52,651 A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN ERGONOMICALLY DESIGNED 335 00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:57,456 TO BE A MISSILE TO FIND OUT WHO THE TRUE CATE BLANCHETT IS, DO 336 00:20:57,522 --> 00:21:00,258 YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO FACE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 337 00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:05,263 >> CAN I LIE DOWN? >> Stephen: YOU CAN DO 338 00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:17,075 ANYTHING-- . HERE WE GO. 339 00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:20,479 BRAVE WOMAN. QUESTION NUMBER ONE, CATE 340 00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:23,181 BLANCHETT WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH. 341 00:21:23,248 --> 00:21:29,988 >> PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY. >> Stephen: KEPT IT SIMPLE, I 342 00:21:30,055 --> 00:21:33,025 ADMIRE THAT CATE BLANCHETT WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT 343 00:21:33,091 --> 00:21:37,129 YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT? >> UNDERPANTS THAT MY MOTHER 344 00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:43,769 MADE ME WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. 345 00:21:43,835 --> 00:21:49,441 >> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO SEE WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS ABOUT YOUR 346 00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:53,779 CHILDHOOD. FRAULINE. 347 00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:56,314 >> I'M NOT WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT WEARING THEM RIGHT 348 00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:57,749 NOW. >> Stephen: THAT'S FINE, NO, 349 00:21:57,816 --> 00:21:59,017 NO, NO. OKAY. 350 00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:01,620 KAILT BLANCHETT WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? 351 00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:04,956 >> A OPOSSUM. >> Stephen: NO, WAIT A SECOND. 352 00:22:05,023 --> 00:22:07,993 >> I HAD ONE ON THE END OF MY BED. 353 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:12,264 >> Stephen: AN AMERICAN OPOSSUM THAT LOOKS LIKE A RAT OR 354 00:22:12,330 --> 00:22:15,300 THE AUSTRALIAN OPOSSUM. >> THE AUSTRALIAN OPOSSUM THAT 355 00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:19,337 CAN KILL CATS. >> Stephen: SO ARE YOU NOT A 356 00:22:19,404 --> 00:22:20,605 CAT. >> OKAY,WHAT IS A SCARY ANIMAL. 357 00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:24,576 >> Stephen: YOU CAN STAY WITH THE POS OPOSSUM, YOU DON'T HAVE 358 00:22:24,643 --> 00:22:26,845 TO CHANGE IT. BUT THEY ARE KIND OF FURRY, AND 359 00:22:26,912 --> 00:22:29,147 CUTE. >> POSESSUMS KILL CATS. 360 00:22:29,214 --> 00:22:33,652 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES. >> HANG ON, DOES A THERAPIST 361 00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:37,589 LOOK AT THE ANSWERS THAT A PERSON GIVES, HAVE I SNEFER BEEN 362 00:22:37,656 --> 00:22:39,324 IN LONG TERM THERAPY, CAN I CHOOSE YOUR ANIMAL BUT THEN I 363 00:22:39,391 --> 00:22:41,727 WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND. >> Stephen: I DIDN'T CHANGE 364 00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:43,995 YOUR MIND, I SAID YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ANIMAL. 365 00:22:44,062 --> 00:22:45,864 >> YOU JUST DIDN'T AGREE WITH IT. 366 00:22:45,931 --> 00:22:47,632 >> Stephen: OF COURSE I DIDN'T AGREE WITH IT. 367 00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:50,168 >> WHAT IS THE SCARIEST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 368 00:22:50,235 --> 00:22:52,838 >> Stephen: I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS FRAULINE. 369 00:22:52,904 --> 00:22:55,974 AND I'M NOT A THERAPIST ANYWAY, ALL OF THIS WILL BE IN MY BOOK. 370 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:59,544 APPLES OR ORANGES. >> APPLES. 371 00:22:59,611 --> 00:23:01,980 >> Stephen: YES, YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON ORANGE. 372 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:08,620 YOU HAVE EVER ASKED SOMEBODY FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH. 373 00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:11,656 >> NO. >> Stephen: CATE BLANCHETT 374 00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,126 WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 375 00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:18,764 >> YOU TURN INTO A SOUP, A HUMAN SOUP. 376 00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:23,769 IT'S DCH-- IT'S IN THE MORTGAGE WEAR INDUSTRY THAT IS WHAT IS 377 00:23:23,835 --> 00:23:26,505 REFERRED TO, YOU BECOME A SOUP. >> Stephen: AND HOW DO YOU 378 00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,841 KNOW THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY IN THE MORTGAGE WEAR INDUSTRY, IF CAN I 379 00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:36,047 ASK A BRIEF FOLLOW-- MORE TUARY. >> BECAUSE I SAW A DOCUMENTARY. 380 00:23:36,114 --> 00:23:39,484 >> Stephen: KEEP IT LIGHT, CATE. 381 00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:41,353 >> YOU ASKED THE QUESTION. >> Stephen: I DID ASK THE 382 00:23:41,419 --> 00:23:42,420 QUESTION. >> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE. 383 00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:44,990 >> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE HAVE VERY HOPEFUL ANSWERS. 384 00:23:45,056 --> 00:23:47,893 >> LIKE WHAT? >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, 385 00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:49,528 THAT. >> LITTLE ANGELS COME DOWN AND 386 00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:58,236 YOU LOOSE BLADDER CONTROL. I MEAN-- YEAH. 387 00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:01,673 >> Stephen: STRUCK A NERVE. OKAY. 388 00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:12,517 FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. >> OOOH, UM, YOU KNOW, WHAT WAS 389 00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:16,121 THE ONE WITH MEL GIBSON AND THE MULLET. 390 00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:19,324 >> Stephen: THE PATRIOT OR-- . >> NO. 391 00:24:19,391 --> 00:24:23,261 >> Stephen: OR FREEDOM. >> THAT WHERE WHERE HE PLAYS 392 00:24:23,328 --> 00:24:26,464 WILLIAM WALLACE. >> WHAT YOU MA 393 00:24:26,531 --> 00:24:29,501 CALL-- BRAVEHEART. >> WOULD YOU YOU CALL DIRTY 394 00:24:29,568 --> 00:24:33,905 HARRY AN ACTION MOVIE. BAM BEE. 395 00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:36,842 LET'S GO WITH BAM BEE. >> Stephen: BAMBOO, OKAY, THAT 396 00:24:36,908 --> 00:24:39,744 FIRE SCENE IS VERY. >> IT'S REALLY-- . 397 00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:43,315 >> Stephen: VERY SCARY. FAVORITE SMELL. 398 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:45,717 >> OH, GARLIC. >> Stephen: GARLIC, OKAY. 399 00:24:45,784 --> 00:24:49,387 >> COOKING GARLIC, NOT GARLIC ON OTHER PEOPLE,. 400 00:24:49,454 --> 00:24:52,557 >> Stephen: LIKE RAW GARLIC, ROASTED. 401 00:24:52,624 --> 00:24:54,426 >> LIKE WHEN YOU ARE COOKING ASUGO OR SOMETHING. 402 00:24:54,492 --> 00:24:57,696 >> Stephen: A WHAT? >> OR THE SMELL OF YOUR BABY'S 403 00:24:57,762 --> 00:25:01,700 BUTT BEFORE THEY POOP, YOU KNOW, LIKE BABY, BABY SMELL. 404 00:25:01,766 --> 00:25:04,569 >> Stephen: YEAH. AND WHAT WERE YOU COOKING WITH 405 00:25:04,636 --> 00:25:06,504 THE GARLIC. SUGGESTO. 406 00:25:06,571 --> 00:25:08,740 >> SUGGESTO. >> Stephen: WHAT IS SUGO. 407 00:25:08,807 --> 00:25:14,746 >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT SUGO IS. >> LIKES A TOMATO BASE USED IN 408 00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:19,117 ITALIAN COOKING, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY. 409 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,720 >> YOUR CEILING IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, BY THE WAY. 410 00:25:21,786 --> 00:25:25,724 >> Stephen: ISN'T T IT VL GOR GUTION, THIS IS ALL DIGITAL 411 00:25:25,790 --> 00:25:27,325 PROJECTION. >> IT LOOKS LIKE A KIND OF 412 00:25:27,392 --> 00:25:30,695 BUTTERFLY. >> Stephen: KIND OF. WE DO 413 00:25:30,762 --> 00:25:33,331 LASER LIGHT SHOWS AND PLAY ZEPPELIN. 414 00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:36,234 >> YEAH, NICE, WHEN NO ONE IS HERE. 415 00:25:36,301 --> 00:25:39,170 YEAH. >> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE 416 00:25:39,237 --> 00:25:43,775 SMELL. >> BO. 417 00:25:43,842 --> 00:25:47,679 OR, NO I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY, YEAH, AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO 418 00:25:47,746 --> 00:25:52,751 TELL PEOPLE AND IT'S THE WORST WHEN IT IS YOUR OWN BO, THAT VL 419 00:25:52,817 --> 00:25:55,954 BAD BECAUSE YOU SUDDENLY-- . >> Stephen: HAS THAT SURPRISED 420 00:25:56,021 --> 00:25:57,889 YOU. >> YEAH T HAS SURPRISED HE ME, 421 00:25:57,956 --> 00:25:58,523 YEAH. >> Stephen: ARE YOU 422 00:25:58,590 --> 00:26:01,493 COMFORTABLE? >> VERY. 423 00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:05,864 >> Stephen: OKAY. MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. 424 00:26:05,931 --> 00:26:10,602 >> I DON'T LIKE APPS. >> Stephen: THAT WAINTD THE 425 00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:12,737 QUESTION. DO YOU HAVE A PHONE, DOES IT 426 00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:15,140 HAVE APPS. >> YEAH, I HAVE A PHONE, MOST 427 00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:19,477 USED APP ON MY PHONE, THERE SAN APP WHERE YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR 428 00:26:19,544 --> 00:26:21,479 PARKING WHEN YOU CATCH THE TRAIN CALLED WINGO. 429 00:26:21,546 --> 00:26:24,950 I USE THAT QUITE A LOT. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. 430 00:26:25,016 --> 00:26:28,453 CATS OR DOGS? >> DOGS, DEFINITELY, ALTHOUGH 431 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:33,491 HAVE I A CAT CALLED WARRICK WHO IS LIKE A DOG. 432 00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:35,327 >> Stephen: WHAT WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF. 433 00:26:35,393 --> 00:26:38,430 >> SEVEN. >> Stephen: NO. 434 00:26:38,496 --> 00:26:46,438 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 435 00:26:46,504 --> 00:26:50,575 >> OH [BLEEP] >> Stephen: THAT'S TWO. 436 00:26:50,642 --> 00:26:58,984 THREE TO GO. >> [BLEEP] [BLEEP] MAMA HELP ME. 437 00:26:59,050 --> 00:27:03,555 >> Stephen: CATE BLANCHE ELEVATOR, CONGRATULATIONS, 438 00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:05,991 MADAME, ARE YOU KNOWN. CATE BLANCHETT, EVERYBODY. 439 00:27:06,057 --> 00:27:12,030 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 440 00:27:23,942 --> 00:27:30,348 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW. 441 00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:33,518 (APPLAUSE) FOLKS 442 00:27:33,585 --> 00:27:35,720 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A TALENTED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM FILMS 443 00:27:35,787 --> 00:27:40,392 INCLUDING "LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE," "LOVE & MERCY," AND 444 00:27:40,458 --> 00:27:43,628 "THE BATMAN." HE NOW STARS IN STEVEN 445 00:27:43,695 --> 00:27:46,264 SPIELBERG'S "THE FABELMANS." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE 446 00:27:46,331 --> 00:28:01,212 SHOW," PAUL DANO. (APPLAUSE) 447 00:28:01,279 --> 00:28:07,986 SHOW," PAUL DANO. (APPLAUSE) 448 00:28:08,053 --> 00:28:11,689 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THANK YOU, NICE TO 449 00:28:11,756 --> 00:28:13,658 SEE YOU AGAIN. >> NICE TO SEE YOU. 450 00:28:13,725 --> 00:28:17,929 >> Stephen: WE JUST A COUPLE FEW DAYS AGO WE HAD YOUR 451 00:28:17,996 --> 00:28:20,632 FABELMAN'S COSTAR, MICHELLE WILLIAMS ON HERE WHO PLAYS YOUR 452 00:28:20,698 --> 00:28:23,668 WIFE IN THIS ONE. WE CONGRAT LATED HER ON HER NEW 453 00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:25,370 BABY. BUT I JUST FOWRCHED OUT THAT YOU 454 00:28:25,437 --> 00:28:27,539 GOT A NEW BABY TOO. BUSTING OUT ALL OVER. 455 00:28:27,605 --> 00:28:30,008 HOW OLD IS YOUR BABY. >> WE'RE TRAVELING WITH THE 456 00:28:30,075 --> 00:28:32,310 BABIES ON PRESS TOUR. IT IS VERY SWEET. 457 00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:34,512 I HAVE A ONE MONTHS OLD. >> Stephen: ONE MONTH? 458 00:28:34,579 --> 00:28:38,149 ONE MONTH? >> YEAH, YEAH. 459 00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:40,485 >> Stephen: AND HOW ARE YOU EVEN AWAKE? 460 00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:45,223 DOES SPIELBERG NOT GIVE PATERNITY LEAVE, I DON'T 461 00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:46,357 UNDERSTAND. >> YOU MIGHT GET SOMETHING OUT 462 00:28:46,424 --> 00:28:49,761 OF ME TONIGHT, YOU KNOW, I FEEL VULNERABLE, YEAH, YEAH. 463 00:28:49,828 --> 00:28:52,163 >> Stephen: I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A YOUNG DAD WITH THE YOUNG 464 00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:55,967 BABY, YOU HAVE A CHEMO PSYCHOSIS BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER SLEEPING. 465 00:28:56,034 --> 00:29:00,405 >> YEAH, WE'RE NOT SLEEPING. HE IS ALSO A GASES-- GASSY 466 00:29:00,472 --> 00:29:04,943 LITTLE GUY AND MY MOTHER CALLED ME POOH BEAR WHEN I WAS LITTLE 467 00:29:05,009 --> 00:29:11,182 AND I THINK I NOW KNOW WHY. BESIDES THE FACT THAT MY VOICE 468 00:29:11,249 --> 00:29:12,951 IS LIKE AN OCTAVE LOWER FROM EXHAUSTION, WE'RE GREAT. 469 00:29:13,017 --> 00:29:15,220 >> Stephen: WE GAVE MICHELLE ONE OF THESE AND I WOULD LIKE TO 470 00:29:15,286 --> 00:29:19,657 GIVE YOU ONE TOO. IT IS A LITTLE LATE SHOW ONESIE, 471 00:29:19,724 --> 00:29:21,993 THERE YOU GO. THAT IS FOR YOU. 472 00:29:22,060 --> 00:29:24,963 >> THAT'S SWEET, THANK YOU. >> Stephen: YOU'RE PLAYING A 473 00:29:25,029 --> 00:29:29,534 DAD ON SCREEN IN THE FABELMAN'S. YOU'RE PLAYING SOMEONE WHO IS 474 00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:33,138 BASED ON SPIELBERG'S DAD. >> YEAH. 475 00:29:33,204 --> 00:29:37,842 >> Stephen: AND SAMMY IS THE MAIN CHARACTER AND YOU'RE 476 00:29:37,909 --> 00:29:40,378 SAMMY'S DAD. HAD YOU EVER WORKED WITH 477 00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:43,982 SPIELBERG BEFORE? >> I HAD NOT WORKED WITH HIM, I 478 00:29:44,048 --> 00:29:47,819 MET HIM ONCE, I GOT A TEXT, STEVEN SPIELBERG WANTS TO MEET 479 00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:51,956 WITH YOU, GREAT, WHEN AND WHERE. AND WE ZOOMED A FEW TIMES AND 480 00:29:52,023 --> 00:29:53,958 ULTIMATELY HE ASK IMMEDIATE TO PLAY HIS FATHER. 481 00:29:54,025 --> 00:29:57,095 AND I'M LIKE THIS GUY NAMED PAUL. 482 00:29:57,162 --> 00:30:02,500 AND STEPHEN-- STEVEN SPEEGBERG WANTS ME TO PLAY HIS FATHER AND 483 00:30:02,567 --> 00:30:07,005 I DON'T MEAN THAT-- I MEAN IT LIKE I THINK IF I FULLY LET IT 484 00:30:07,071 --> 00:30:11,009 IN, MY HEART MIGHT EXPLODE BECAUSE IT IS QUITE SOMETHING. 485 00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:17,482 AND THIS WAS NOT LIKE ANY FILM THAT I HAVE MADE BEFORE TO HAVE 486 00:30:17,549 --> 00:30:26,391 A MASTER LIKE STEVEN SO OPEN AND VULNERABLE AND RAW IN 487 00:30:26,457 --> 00:30:30,195 EXPERIENCING MEMORY AND TELLING HIS STORY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS AS 488 00:30:30,261 --> 00:30:34,599 CLOSE TO A MEMOIR AS HE IS GOING TO GET, RIGHT, HE IS WRITING 489 00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,969 WITH THE PEN WHICH HE KNOWS BEST, HE IS WRITING WITH THE 490 00:30:38,036 --> 00:30:39,337 CAMERA. AND AS HE SHOULD. 491 00:30:39,404 --> 00:30:43,841 AND SO TO HAVE THIS SORT OF CRAZY INTIMATE EXPERIENCE WITH 492 00:30:43,908 --> 00:30:47,612 STEVEN, WITH HIS SISTERS, WITH HIS FAMILY, WITH THE ARCHIVES, 493 00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:51,382 AND HIS CREW HAS BEEN WORKING WITH HIM FOR 20, 30 YEARS. 494 00:30:51,449 --> 00:30:53,818 HE SAID THIS IS NOT LIKE ANY OF THE OTHERS. 495 00:30:53,885 --> 00:30:55,954 IT WAS REALLY, REALLY QUITE SOMETHING. 496 00:30:56,020 --> 00:31:00,024 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF YOU PLAYING THE DAD WITH 497 00:31:00,091 --> 00:31:03,194 SAM HERE, ARE YOU IN A CAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE. 498 00:31:03,261 --> 00:31:06,631 >> YEAH, WE'RE IN A CAR. >> Stephen: LET'S NOT GIVE IT 499 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:10,101 ALL AWAY. >> Stephen: I THINK ONE OF THE 500 00:31:10,168 --> 00:31:12,170 TENSIONS AS A PARENT WHICH MAYBE YOU KNOW SU WANT THE BEST FOR 501 00:31:12,237 --> 00:31:14,973 YOUR KID BUT YOU WANT TO GUIDE THEM. 502 00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:17,575 AND AT THIS POINT IN THE FILM I BELIEVE THAT SAMMY IS SPENDING 503 00:31:17,642 --> 00:31:22,113 MAYBE A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME WITH HIS HOBIES. 504 00:31:22,180 --> 00:31:26,084 AND-- HOBBIES AND HE NEEDS TO BE PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER 505 00:31:26,150 --> 00:31:28,920 THINGS. >> A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A 506 00:31:28,987 --> 00:31:30,688 HOBBY. >> IT'S NOT A HOBBY, DAD. 507 00:31:30,755 --> 00:31:34,225 >> IF YOU SPENT HALF THE TIME ON ALGEBRA AS YOU DID ON THESE 508 00:31:34,292 --> 00:31:38,263 MOVIES. >> I HATE ALGEBRA, ST COMPLETELY 509 00:31:38,329 --> 00:31:39,897 POINTLESS. >> NOT IF YOU WANT TO MAKE 510 00:31:39,964 --> 00:31:43,601 SOMETHING T IS NOT POINTLESS. SAMMY, WHEN I WAS A BOY, I 511 00:31:43,668 --> 00:31:45,236 ALWAYS FIGURED OUT SOMEBODY FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS. 512 00:31:45,303 --> 00:31:49,374 THIS CAR, THAT REARVIEW MIRROR, THAT DIRECTIONAL SIGNAL. 513 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:54,245 >> I WANT TO MAKE MOVIES THOUGH. (APPLAUSE). 514 00:31:54,312 --> 00:31:57,448 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, WE WILL BE RIGHT 515 00:31:57,515 --> 00:31:58,349 MORE WITH MR. PAUL DANO, EVERYBODY. 516 00:31:58,416 --> 00:31:59,550 STICK AROUND. 517 00:32:08,393 --> 00:32:10,828 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A TURKEY, HARD TO GET THEM THIS 518 00:32:10,895 --> 00:32:11,963 YEAR. >> IS IT REALLY. 519 00:32:12,030 --> 00:32:13,464 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'S BACK HERE WITH ONE THE 520 00:32:13,531 --> 00:32:17,201 STARS OF THE FABELMANS, PAUL DANO. 521 00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:19,871 HOW DID PAUL DANO GET INTO CHARACTER, WHAT DO YOU DO? 522 00:32:19,937 --> 00:32:24,175 I'M JUST CURIOUS, YOU LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT SAY SPIELBERG'S 523 00:32:24,242 --> 00:32:27,378 DAD, LIKE HOW DO YOU THEN INCORPORATE, THAT HOW DO YOU GET 524 00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:29,981 PAIRED WITH THAT CHARACTER TO GO ON STAGE? 525 00:32:30,048 --> 00:32:34,485 >> RIGHT, SO THERE IS A LOT OF PARTS, I MEAN, I DO A LOT OF 526 00:32:34,552 --> 00:32:36,487 RESEARCH. I REALLY LIKE, I'M A DORKY 527 00:32:36,554 --> 00:32:41,893 GIERKS I REALLY LIKE TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME SORT OF LEARNING MY 528 00:32:41,959 --> 00:32:43,094 STUFF. AND THERE IS NOAR COMPONENT OF 529 00:32:43,161 --> 00:32:47,065 IT, THERE SAY MENTAL, SPIRITUAL, EMOTIONAL COMPONENT BUT A 530 00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:49,734 PHYSICAL COMPONENT AS WELL, WHERE ARE YOU PLACING YOUR 531 00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:52,804 ENERGY IN YOUR BODY. I REALLY LOOK UP TO ATHLETES, 532 00:32:52,870 --> 00:32:55,707 LIKE HOW DO YOU GET TO THAT ZONE WHERE YOU WANT YOUR TEMPERATURE 533 00:32:55,773 --> 00:32:59,610 TO BE UP, RIGHT, BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO LIKE BE RELAXED SO 534 00:32:59,677 --> 00:33:01,079 EVERYTHING IS FLOWING THROUGH YOU. 535 00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:04,982 SO HOW DO YOU GET TO THAT PEAK, HOW DO YOU GET IT UP, SO TO 536 00:33:05,049 --> 00:33:11,289 SPEAK BUT ALSO BE RELAXED. SO-- . 537 00:33:11,356 --> 00:33:14,659 >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF MOVIES ARE WE MAKING HERE, PAUL. 538 00:33:14,726 --> 00:33:19,764 SO I USUALLY CULTIVATE LIKE A WARMUP FOR EACH CHARACTER, 539 00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:22,700 DEPENDING ON THE CHARACTER TO LEAD ME INTO MY DAY. 540 00:33:22,767 --> 00:33:28,840 AND THAT, YOU KNOW, HAS SOMETHING, ATHLETES FOR EXAMPLE 541 00:33:28,906 --> 00:33:32,610 THERE IS THIS RUNNING COACH TALKS ABOUT YOU WANT TO MAKE 542 00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:36,247 YOUR YOUR HANDS ARE RELAXED BECAUSE THAT WILL SIGNAL TO YOUR 543 00:33:36,314 --> 00:33:41,786 BODY, MY ACTING TEACHER SAYS YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR TONGUE 544 00:33:41,853 --> 00:33:45,857 AND SPHINCTER ARE RELAXED BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE YOU CARRY 545 00:33:45,923 --> 00:33:48,626 A LOT OF TENSION. YOU WORK WITH POLITICS ALL DAY 546 00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:55,032 LONG. I FIGURE YOU ARE PRETTY PUCKERED 547 00:33:55,099 --> 00:34:02,373 UP. BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR 548 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,009 SPHINCTER AND I THOUGHT BUT HIRE ARE YOU ALSO A COMEDIAN AND I 549 00:34:05,076 --> 00:34:07,378 THINK THAT REQUIRES YOU TO BE RELAXED. 550 00:34:07,445 --> 00:34:10,415 SO MAYBE THAT BALANCES OUT YOUR BODY FROM YOUR POLITICAL LIFE TO 551 00:34:10,481 --> 00:34:12,183 YOUR-- . >> Stephen: ANY ADVICE ON HOW 552 00:34:12,250 --> 00:34:19,924 TO LOOSEN UP THE OLD. >> YEAH, A GLOVE, A LAT EXGLOVE. 553 00:34:19,991 --> 00:34:21,125 NO. NO. 554 00:34:21,192 --> 00:34:22,693 >> Stephen: I THINK WE DO, ACTUALLY. 555 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,664 I THINK WE DO. >> YEAH, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO 556 00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:27,665 KNOW? >> Stephen: I REALLY DO WANT 557 00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:30,501 TO KNOW. IS THIS A REAL THING, DO YOU 558 00:34:30,568 --> 00:34:34,472 ACTUALLY RELAX YOUR SPHINCTER. >> ABSOLUTELY, I'M REALLY NOT 559 00:34:34,539 --> 00:34:35,973 KIDDING. >> Stephen: YOU ARE THE ONLY 560 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,709 ONE LAUGHING. >> SO YOU KNOW, YOU WANT YOUR 561 00:34:38,776 --> 00:34:43,414 UNCONSCIOUS TO BE OPERATING AT IT'S FULLEST STRENGTH WHEN ARE 562 00:34:43,481 --> 00:34:46,384 YOU ACTING. SO YOU KNOW, WHERE WE HOLD 563 00:34:46,451 --> 00:34:49,720 TENSION SO YEAH, ALL DO YOU IS, WE CAN DO THIS, I CAN TALK YOU 564 00:34:49,787 --> 00:34:56,527 THROUGH IT I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR MIND INTO YOUR BOTTOM. 565 00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,496 AND YOU CAN TALK TO IT IF YOU WANT. 566 00:34:58,563 --> 00:35:05,770 I MEAN IN YOUR HEAD, EVEN. YOU CAN JUST SAY, YOU CAN SAY 567 00:35:05,837 --> 00:35:11,142 STEPHEN'S BOTTOM, STEPHEN SPHINCTER, I WANT TO YOU LET GO 568 00:35:11,209 --> 00:35:17,181 OF ANY TENSION YOU ARE CARRYING. AND YOU JUST PUT YOUR MIND INTO 569 00:35:17,248 --> 00:35:19,650 THE PLACE, INTO THE PART OF YOUR BODY YOU WANT TO RELAX. 570 00:35:19,717 --> 00:35:22,386 YOU HAVE DONE THAT, A BODY SCAN MEDITATING. 571 00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:28,726 >> Stephen: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR MIND INTO YOUR SPHINCTER. 572 00:35:28,793 --> 00:35:30,428 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: METAPHORICALLY 573 00:35:30,495 --> 00:35:33,931 STICK YOUR HEAD UP YOUR OWN ASS. >> EXACTLY RIGHT. 574 00:35:33,998 --> 00:35:37,935 I FEEL GOOD, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE READY TO GO NOW, DO YOU? 575 00:35:38,002 --> 00:35:45,443 >> Stephen: GO ACT? (LAUGHTER) 576 00:35:45,510 --> 00:35:47,778 YES. >> YEAH, YEAH. 577 00:35:47,845 --> 00:35:53,851 >> Stephen: PAUL. "THE FABELMANS" IS IN THEATERS 578 00:35:53,918 --> 00:35:55,686 NOW. PAUL DANO, EVERYBODY. 579 00:35:55,753 --> 00:35:56,988 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY HOLLY 580 00:35:57,054 --> 00:35:59,056 HUMBERSTONE. 581 00:36:04,061 --> 00:36:05,863 >> Stephen: HERE PERFORMING HER NEW SINGLE, "CAN YOU AFFORD 582 00:36:05,930 --> 00:36:12,603 TO LOSE ME?," HOLLY HUMBERSTONE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 583 00:36:12,670 --> 00:36:20,811 ♪ YOU WERE MY HOME PLANET 584 00:36:20,878 --> 00:36:34,058 YOU WERE MY STARS, MY HOLY PLACE ♪ BUT YOU TOOK ME FOR GRANTED 585 00:36:34,125 --> 00:36:40,464 RIGHT FROM THE START NOW DIDN'T YOU, BABE? 586 00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:47,238 ♪ AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK 587 00:36:47,305 --> 00:36:52,743 ♪ IN FINDING SOMEONE ELSE WHO'S STRONG ENOUGH 588 00:36:52,810 --> 00:36:59,717 ♪ AND I THIS IS THE ONLY TIME 589 00:36:59,784 --> 00:37:07,325 ♪ I CAN'T BE KEEPING YOU FROM MESSING UP 590 00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:11,462 ♪ SO, GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR WORST BUT DON'T YOU GO AND 591 00:37:11,529 --> 00:37:19,370 ♪ CRY WHEN IT HURTS CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? 592 00:37:19,437 --> 00:37:23,975 ♪ GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR BAGS BUT ONCE YOU'RE GONE 593 00:37:24,041 --> 00:37:31,482 ♪ YOU CAN'T COME BACK CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? 594 00:37:31,549 --> 00:37:42,360 ♪ AND IF YOU'VE STILL GOT THAT FIRE, THEN PROVE IT TO ME 595 00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:48,599 MMM ♪ I WAS YOUR LIFE-SUPPORT 596 00:37:48,666 --> 00:37:51,502 MACHINE ♪ DIDN'T YOU REALIZE IT WAS 597 00:37:51,569 --> 00:37:59,910 ALWAYS ME? ♪ I WAS ALWAYS THERE TO PICK UP 598 00:37:59,977 --> 00:38:05,549 THE PIECES ♪ WHEN YOU WERE A FULL-BLOWN 599 00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:16,427 CATASTROPHE, YEAH ♪ AND I 600 00:38:16,494 --> 00:38:18,996 GAVE YOU THE CLOSEST THING ♪ YOU EVER HAD TO LOVE 601 00:38:19,063 --> 00:38:28,539 SO SOBER UP ♪ AND THIS TIME 602 00:38:28,606 --> 00:38:31,108 THIS IS THE FINAL TIME ♪ I'LL DRAW THE LINE 603 00:38:31,175 --> 00:38:40,451 I'VE SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH ♪ SO, GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR WORST 604 00:38:40,518 --> 00:38:43,788 BUT DON'T YOU GO AND ♪ CRY WHEN IT HURTS 605 00:38:43,854 --> 00:38:53,164 CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? ♪ GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR BAGS 606 00:38:53,230 --> 00:38:56,067 BECAUSE ONCE YOU'RE GONE ♪ YOU CAN'T COME BACK 607 00:38:56,133 --> 00:39:04,842 CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? ♪ AND IF YOU'VE STILL GOT THAT 608 00:39:04,909 --> 00:39:11,382 FIRE, THEN PROVE IT TO ME, HMM ♪ CAN YOU SLEEP 609 00:39:11,449 --> 00:39:14,985 WITHOUT ME? ♪ CAN YOU BREATHE 610 00:39:15,052 --> 00:39:17,788 WITHOUT ME? ♪ DON'T YOU 611 00:39:17,855 --> 00:39:32,737 NEED SOMEBODY? SOMEBODY? 612 00:39:32,803 --> 00:39:37,441 NEED SOMEBODY? SOMEBODY? 613 00:39:37,508 --> 00:39:42,113 HI HI 614 00:39:42,179 --> 00:39:49,487 ♪ CAN YOU AFFORD TO? ♪ SO, GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR WORST 615 00:39:49,553 --> 00:39:50,988 BUT DON'T YOU GO AND ♪ CRY WHEN IT HURTS 616 00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:56,961 CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? ♪ CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? 617 00:39:57,027 --> 00:40:02,933 ♪ GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR BAGS BUT ONCE YOU'RE GONE. 618 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:14,111 ♪ YOU CAN'T COME BACK CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? 619 00:40:14,178 --> 00:40:19,550 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: TO SO BEAUTIFUL. 620 00:40:19,617 --> 00:40:20,551 >> Stephen: HOLLY HUMBERSTONE, EVERYBODY. 621 00:40:20,618 --> 00:40:25,589 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOOD NIGHT.