>> PRESIDENT BIDEN PARDONED THIS
YEAR'S TIR TURKEY CHOCOLATE AND CHIP RINGING IN THE 75th
ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATIONAL TRADITION AND KICKING OFF THIS
WEEK'S THANKSGIVING CELEBRATIONS.
>> CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS' TOP PRIORITY IS TO GO AFTER
PRESIDENT BIDEN WITH POLITICALLY MOTIVATED ATTACKS.
>> THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT FROM THE GOP.
>> TURKEYS, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. MENACING OUR STREETS, ATTACKING
OUR CITIZENS. BUT INSTEAD OF CRACKING DOWN ON
THIS FOUL FOWL JOE BIDEN WANTS TO PARDON THEM.
>> I HEARBY PARDON CHOCOLATE AND CHIP.
>> AND IF YOU DON'T THINK JOE'S HANDS ARE DIRTY, THEN WHY DOES
HIS HAND LOOK LIKE THIS? (LAUGHTER)
SORRY, JOE, YOU CAN'T KRANBURY THE TRUTH.
BIG TURKEY HAS GOT YOU BY THE GIBLETS.
JOE BIDEN, SOFT ON POULTRY, SOFT ON CRIME.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"
TONIGHT: CATE BLANCHETT TAKES THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONERT!" PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
PAUL DANO AND MUSICAL GUEST,
HOLLY HUMBERSTONE FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND! AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
HAPPY TUESDAY! HELLO!
THANK YOU. WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, HAVE A
SEAT, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS-- DO YOU FEEL THAT.
WITH AN AUDIENCE THIS HOT, I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE GYM.
(LAUGHTER) YOU GUYS GIVE ME STRENGTH, I BET
I COULD BENCH 240. BOOM!
(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO SAY, I TRIED
TO PREPARE. I GOT MY FLU SHOT.
I GOT MY BIVALENT COVID BOOSTER. BUT, THE ONE THING I DID NOT
PREPARE FOR WAS WORLD CUP FEVER. SYMPTOMS INCLUDE GETTING A
LITTLE ACHY AND GETTING EXCITED ABOUT SCORELESS TIES.
IT'S BY FAR THE BIGGEST SPORTING EVENT IN THE WORLD, BUT THIS
YEAR, THERE'S BEEN A CLOUD OVER THE WORLD CUP, BECAUSE IT'S
BEING PLAYED IN QATAR, A DESERT COUNTRY WITH A REPRESSIVE REGIME
AND A TERRIBLE HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD, WHERE THEIR LEADERS
HAVE MADE HOMOSEXUALITY ILLEGAL. IT'S LIKE IF RON DeSANTIS HAD
OIL. SO, AFTER QATAR WAS ANNOUNCED AS
HOST, SEVEN EUROPEAN COUNTRIES WANTED TO SUPPORT THE
L.G.B.T.Q.+ COMMUNITY BY HAVING THEIR CAPTAINS WEAR AN ARMBAND
THAT SAYS "ONE LOVE." ITS HE VERY NICE, IT ALSO
WHICH MAKES SENSE. SOCCER PLAYERS DON'T CARE WHAT
YOU DO IN THE BEDROOM, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T USE YOUR HANDS.
OKAY? FEET, HEAD.
(APPLAUSE) NOW
THEY PLANNED THESE ARMBANDS FOR MONTHS.
BUT THEN, JUST TWO DAYS AGO, FIFA THREATENED THAT ANY CAPTAIN
WITH THE ARMBAND WOULD BE GIVEN A YELLOW CARD.
OKAY, A YELLOW CARD, WHICH IS...
BAD? IS IT GLOOD?
BANANA COUPON? I DON'T FOLLOW THE GAME.
PEOPLE WERE OUTRAGED BY THIS. SO, IN RESPONSE, FIFA SAID
THEY'D ISSUE THEIR OWN ARMBANDS THAT SUPPORT VARIED CAUSES, LIKE
"HASHTAG FOOTBALL UNITES THE WORLD," "HASHTAG "BE ACTIVE,"
AND "HASHTAG BRING THE MOVES." YES, THE POWERFUL SOCIAL JUSTICE
MESSAGE OF "BRING THE MOVES." REMINDS ME OF THE STIRRING
WORDS OF M.L.K.: "I HAVE A DREAM, THAT ONE DAY WE
WILL ALL SHAKE OUR GROOVE THANG. TAKE ME TO FUNKYTOWN!"
THEN YESTERDAY, FIFA ORDERED BELGIUM TO REMOVE THE WORD
"LOVE" FROM THEIR SHIRTS. YES, THE WORD "LOVE" IS AN
INAPPROPRIATE MESSAGE ON A SOCCER JERSEY.
THAT SACRED SPACE IS RESERVED FOR CELEBRATING IMPORTANT IDEAS,
LIKE MEDICAL FLIM-FLAM HUCKSTERS, RUSSIAN STATE OIL
CONGLOMERATES, AND DONG. THAT'S A POWERFUL MESSAGE.
HASHTAG DONG. THE HOMOPHOBIA THERE IS SO
EXTREME, WE'VE HEARD REPORTS THAT RAINBOW-WEARING FANS HAVE
BEEN REFUSED ENTRY TO THE GAMES. THEY'RE BANNING LOVE AND
RAINBOWS. BASICALLY, FIFA IS THE BAD GUY
IN A "CARE BEARS" MOVIE. "HUGS AND FRIENDSHIP WILL BE
DESTROYED, ONCE I UNLEASH THE POWER OF MY DIS-LOVINATOR
MACHINE! ALSO, NO BEER!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" THERE IS ONE TEAM NOT AFRAID TO
PROTEST, BECAUSE YESTERDAY BEFORE THEIR MATCH AGAINST
ENGLAND, IRAN'S PLAYERS REMAINED SILENT DURING THEIR NATIONAL
ANTHEM IN AN APPARENT PROTEST OF THE IRANIAN REGIME.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEAH, COME ON.
THAT HAS CONSEQUENCES. I MEAN THAT'S A RISK.
THAT-- WHAT'S THE WORD, THAT'S INCREDIBLY BRAVE.
OR, THEY FORGOT THE WORDS. IT HAPPENS.
(SINGING) "OH, SAY CAN THOSE STRIPES...
WITH THE FLAG THAT'S GOT THE STRIPEY.
OH, CAAANADA PLAY BALL.
WORD IS, THE PLAYERS WERE EXPRESSING SOLIDARITY WITH
IRANIAN WOMEN, WHO HAVE TAKEN TO THE STREETS IN THE LAST TWO
MONTHS, AFTER A 22-YEAR-OLD NAMED MAHSA AMINI DIED IN
POLICE CUSTODY. THE TEAM WASN'T ALONE.
IRANIAN FANS MADE THEIR DISPLEASURE KNOWN OUTSIDE
STADIUMS, AND DISPLAYED THE SLOGAN OF THE MOVEMENT:
"WOMEN, LIFE, FREEDOM." "WHAT ARE... THREE THINGS THAT
ARE ILLEGAL IN QATAR?" (/ BELL RINGS/ )
>> A FREE TRIP TO NOT GO TO THE WORLD CUP, AND HAVING AS MUCH
BEER AS YOU CAN DRINK ON YOUR NEW DINING ROOM SET FROM
BROYHILL. BACK TO YOU, STEVE!
>> Stephen: WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON, THIS JUST IN, WE JUST FOUND
THIS OUT. >> Stephen: HEY, REMEMBER HOW
THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS THE ONLY ONE IN MODERN HISTORY TO
NEVER RELEASE HIS TAXES? AND THAT THE HOUSE WAYS AND
MEANS COMMITTEE HAS BEEN FIGHTING TO SEE THOSE TAXES
SINCE 2019? UGH, 2019.
WE WERE SO INNOCENT. "N-95" WAS JUST A BINGO NUMBER,
PETE DAVIDSON WAS DATING KATE BECKINSALE, AND JANUARY 6th WAS
JUST NATIONAL BEAN DAY. OF COURSE, EVERY STEP OF THE
WAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO
OBSTRUCT AND DELAY THE RELEASE OF HIS TAXES, GOING ALL THE WAY
TO THE SUPREME COURT. BUT, I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE, BY
THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK, THAT
JUST A FEW HOURS AGO, THE SUPREME COURT REJECTED THE
FORMER PRESIDENT, CLEARING THE WAY FOR THE HOUSE WAYS AND MEANS
COMMITTEE TO GET SIX YEARS OF HIS TAX RETURNS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S A LONG TIME COMING.
THAT'S A LONG TIME. NOW WE CAN FINALLY FIND OUT IF
HE WROTE OFF ERIC AS A LOSS. (LAUGHTER)
KEEP IN MIND, THIS SUPREME COURT IS COMPOSED OF THREE OF HIS
NOMINEES. AND THEY STILL REJECTED HIM!
NORMALLY, TO GET THREE PEOPLE TO REJECT HIS REQUEST, HE HAS TO
MARRY THEM. REALLY, AK, REALLY, YOU KNOW
WHAT IS HE LIKE. THAT'S NOT THE ONLY BAD NEWS FOR
THE FORMER PRESIDENT. YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THAT
THE MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE HAS
JUMP-STARTED ITS CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION INTO HIS HUSH
MONEY PAYMENTS TO PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS.
THAT'S RIGHT, STORMY DANIELS IS BACK, BABY!
YEAH, FORGET 2019, IT'S 2018 ALL OVER AGAIN!
SO, BREAK OUT THE TIDE PODS, ARGUE OVER WHETHER WE HEARD
"LAUREL" OR "YANNY," AND SOMEBODY STUFF THAT THAI SOCCER
TEAM BACK IN THAT CAVE! THEY'RE FINE, THEY'RE ALL FINE.
RON HOWARD MADE A MOVIE ABOUT IT, THEY'RE FINE.
TO LIFE. IN FACT, THE PUSH FOR
PROSECUTION IS BEING CALLED THE "ZOMBIE THEORY."
I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO ASSOCIATE THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WITH ZOMBIES. I MEAN, HE ONLY GETS HIS HAIR
FROM A CORPSE. (LAUGHTER)
HOW SOON WE FORGET. OH.
IT'S ONLY TWO MORE DAYS TO
THANKSGIVING, WHICH MEANS YOU SHOULD'VE STARTED DRINKING THREE
DAYS AGO. PRESIDENT BIDEN KICKED OFF THE
HOLIDAY EARLY AT A MILITARY BASE IN NORTH CAROLINA, WHERE HE HAD
A MEAL WITH MARINES AND THEIR FAMILIES, AND HE GAVE A SPEECH
WHERE HE SHOUTED OUT THE YOUNGSTERS:
>> NOW, IMAGINE. THIS HAS TO BE BORING, BORING,
BORING, BORING, FOR THESE KIDS TO BE STANDING UP HERE.
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.
INCLUDING, GO STEAL A PUMPKIN, IF YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: YES, THE PRESIDENT TOLD THEM TO STEAL A PUMPKIN.
BUT THAT IS A WELCOME CHANGE FROM A FEW YEARS AGO, WHEN A
PUMPKIN TRIED TO STEAL THE PRESIDENCY.
(APPLAUSE) THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO! FOUND THAT SWEET SPOT.
>> THE DELIVERY. >> Stephen: DON'T MAKE FUN OF
HIS WIFE OR HIS HAIR. BIDEN THANKED THE TROOPS FOR
THEIR SERVICE, AND THEN TRIED AND SO DO WE AND HE TRIED
HIS HAND AT A LITTLE COMEDY. >> SO ANYWAY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE.
BY THE WAY, I'M SERVING MASHED POTATOES, SO COME TO MY PLACE.
ALL KIDDING ASIDE, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SO SWEET. IT'S A CLASSIC JOKE.
THAT IS REALLY LOVELY, BUT HE IS SERVING MASHED POTATOESES.
IT'S CLASSIC JOKE. "KNOCK KNOCK!"
"WHO'S THERE?" "I'M SERVING MASHED POTATOES."
"I'M SERVING MASHED POTATOES WHO?"
"ALL KIDDING ASIDE, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE."
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE. (APPLAUSE)
TURKEY'S NOT THE ONLY THING ON THE MENU GETTING YOU SLEEPY THIS
YEAR, BECAUSE WITH SO MANY STATES LEGALIZING RECREATIONAL
MARIJUANA, FOLKS HAVE BEGUN CELEBRATING "DANKSGIVING."
BUT, YOUNGSTERS BE WARNED: DANKSGIVING CAN BE A GATEWAY
TO HARDER HOLIDAYS, LIKE CRACKMAS, ROSH HASH-ANAH, AND
ST. PATRICK'S DAY. THIS IS A BIG YEAR FOR
NEW YORKERS WHO ENJOY SATAN'S SPINACH, BECAUSE THE STATE HAS
JUST ISSUED ITS FIRST 36 DISPENSARY LICENSES FOR
RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA. WOW.
NEW YORKERS ARE GOING TO BE SO EXCITED TO FINALLY TRY
MARIJUANA! THESE DISPENSARIES CAN'T OPEN
SOON ENOUGH, BECAUSE, DUE TO A SURPLUS SUPPLY AND NO WAY TO
SELL IT, THERE IS TOO MUCH WEED STOCKPILED IN NEW YORK RIGHT
NOW. EXPERTS COULD TELL NEW YORK HAD
TOO MUCH WEED WHEN IT LEFT THE PARTY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,
SAT ON ITS BED IN THE DARK, AND GOOGLED "CAN YOU BE HIGH
FOREVER?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE CATE BLANCHETT AND
PAUL DANO. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HELP
YOU PREPARE YOUR TURKEY. TAKER SOME NOTES.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, GIVE IT UP FOR THE
BAND, LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, BRING IT IN HOT.
(APPLAUSE) >> COME ON.
>> Stephen: LOUIS, DO YOU HEAR THESE PEOPLE.
>> I DO, ITS ENERGY. >> Stephen: I CERTAINLY HOPE
TOMORROW'S AUDIENCE IS AS GOOD AS THIS ONE.
I JUST-- BUT THE ODDS WE WILL GET TWO IN A ROW THIS GOOD,
IN-- INFINITESIMAL, VERY EXCITING N A LITTLE WHILE COMING
OVER HERE, OR ANYWHERE SHE WANTSK ACTUALLY, THE GREAT CATE
BLANCHETT WILL TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT AND SHE CAN SIT
ANYWHERE, SHE CAN LAY DOWN ON THE DESK IF SHE WANTS.
AND THE INCREDIBLE PAUL DANO WHO PLAYS IN THE FABELMAN, THE NEW
SPIELBERG MOVIE WILL BE OUT HERE IN ONE MOMENT.
YOU KNOW FOLKS, THANKSGIVING IS A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY
HOLIDAY, BUT IT'S ALSO FILLED WITH ALL SORTS OF STRESSFUL
QUESTIONS: HOW TO DEAL WITH TRAFFIC?
DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY DIETARY RESTRICTIONS?
HOW TO MESS UP A STORE-BOUGHT PIE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT'S
HOMEMADE? THANKFULLY, THERE IS A PLACE
DEDICATED TO ANSWERING YOUR THANKSGIVING QUESTIONS:
THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE. IT'S A TOLL-FREE NUMBER TO GET
HELP WITH TURKEY PREP FROM A TEAM OF EXPERTS.
OR, OCCASIONALLY, FROM ME. BECAUSE, A FEW YEARS BACK, I
WENT TO THEIR HEADQUARTERS IN ILLINOIS TO GIVE PEOPLE MY
ADVICE. LET'S TAKE A FOND LOOK BACK AT
WHAT TV HISTORIANS CALL A "COLBERT CLASSIC."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: THE "LATE SHOW"
PRESENTS: "STEPHEN COLBERT'S THANKSGIVING TURKEY TIPS."
>> Stephen: I HEADED TO THE BUTTERBALL CALL CENTER IN
NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS, WHERE I MET CAROL MILLER, A 33-YEAR-
BUTTERBALL VETERAN. >> WELCOME!
>> Stephen: HAPPY THANKSGIVING! >> YOU TOO, YOU TOO.
>> Stephen: SO... CAROL? >> THAT'S CORRECT.
>> Stephen: WHAT MAKES A GOOD BUTTERBALL HOTLINER?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? >> SOMEONE THAT HAS SOME FOODpB.
>> Stephen: I'VE EATEN A LOT. I'VE EATEN A LOT.
>> YEAH, YEAH, OKAY. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST
QUESTION YOU'VE EVER GOT? >> SOMETIMES THEY CALL AND
WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY CAN RENT A TURKEY SUIT.
>> Stephen: WHY DO THEY NEED A TURKEY SUIT?
>> I DON'T ASK. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T ASK.
>> I DON'T ASK. >> Stephen: ROLE PLAYING, MAYBE?
>> I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: "YOU BE THE PILGRIM,
I'LL BE THE TURKEY"? >> I'M NOT SURE.
>> Stephen: "GO GET THE BASTER?" DO YOU HAVE A SECRET HANDSHAKE?
>> I DON'T. I SHOULD.
>> Stephen: LIKE THIS. >> LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: COME AT ME LIKE THIS AND THEN OUR THUMBS HOOK FROM
BEHIND. >> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND YOU GO-- (GOBBLING)
>> GOT IT. >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF VOICE
SHOULD I BE USING? WHAT'S THE PHONE MANNER LIKE?
IS IT LIKE, "HI, THIS IS STEVE. CAN I TAKE"--
>> YES, YES! >> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YES. >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT, LIKE,
(DEEP VOICE) "WELCOME TO THE BUTTERBALL
HOTLINE." >> NO.
FIRST ONE. >> Stephen: NO, OKAY.
>> THANK YOU. OKAY, WHEN YOU'RE DONE TALKING
AND YOU'VE MADE THEM HAPPY, AND YOU SAY GOODBYE, YOU MAY WANT TO
SAY "HAPPY THANKSGIVING." >> Stephen: IS IT MORE IMPORTANT
TO HAVE A HAPPY BEGINNING OF THE PHONE CALL, OR SHOULD I GIVE
THEM A HAPPY ENDING? >> ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
>> Stephen: ALL THE WAY. GOT IT.
>> KEEP IT HAPPY. >> Stephen: ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
>> INFORMATIVE. WHEN YOU'RE DONE, SEE THE BLACK
BUTTON HERE? THAT'S GOING TO GET RELEASED,
AND THEN YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CALL.
>> Stephen: THAT'S-- THE RELEASE IS RIGHT THERE?
>> RIGHT. >> Stephen: SO, AFTER THE
HAPPY ENDING, I HIT THE BLACK BUTTON FOR THE PHONE RELEASE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
(LAUGHTER) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> ALL RIGHT, THANKS. GOOD LUCK.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. BUTTERBALL HOTLINE, LET'S BUTTER
YOUR BALLS. >> I LIKE IT WELL DONE.
HOW WOULD YOU SUGGEST I COOK IT? >> Stephen: A LONG TIME.
COOK IT A LONG TIME. HI, THIS IS CAROL.
WELCOME TO THE TURKEY TALK LINE. >> HI.
CAROL, COOKING MY BUTTERBALL TURKEY BREAST WITH WINGS.
AND, I PUT IT IN AT 325... >> Stephen: OH, BOY--
(LAUGHTER) ALUMINUM FOIL ON IT?
>> Stephen: MM-HMM. >> AND THE MEAT THERMOMETER IS
SAYING IT'S AT 188. >> Stephen: 188?
>> YES. >> Stephen: GET OUT OF THERE,
IT'S GOING TO BLOW! 188, THERE'S NO WAY YOU WANT A
TURKEY THAT HOT. >> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BECAUSE I FOLLOWED THE TIME ON THE INSTRUCTIONS.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR NAME? >> SO-- WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME MY
NAME? >> Stephen: I'M TRYING TO CALM
YOU DOWN. YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE IN A PANIC.
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE A TURKEY EXPERT.
WHEN I ANSWERED THE PHONE, YOU'RE DESCRIBED AS THE TURKEY
EXPERT. >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S MOSTLY
MARKETING. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE.
BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE, THIS IS STEVE, HOW CAN I HELP
YOU? >> OH, I HOPE YOU CAN.
THIS IS REALLY A QUESTION ABOUT STUFFING.
>> Stephen: OKAY. DO YOU CALL IT STUFFING OR
DRESSING? >> I CALL IT STUFFING.
>> Stephen: OKAY. WRONG ANSWER.
BYE-BYE. ( LAUGHTER )
NINER, THIS IS CHICAGO O'HARE TOWER.
I NEED YOU TO GO TO 2,700 FEET, AND LEVEL OFF ON APPROACH.
PLEASE STAY IN A HOLDING PATTERN.
WE WILL ADVICE. >> HELLO?
>> Stephen: HELLO. IS THIS DELTA THREE-FIVE-NINER?
>> NO, I'M CALLING THE BUTTERBALL...
TURKEY... HOT LINE.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'VE REACHED O'HARE TOWER.
CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON? >> WHAT?
>> Stephen: CAN YOU PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON THE PLANE ON?
I NEED TO TALK TO THE PILOT OF THE PLANE.
YOU'RE O APPROACH-- YOU'RE ON FINAL APPROACH TO RUNWAY...
>> NO! I'M NOT A-- NO!
>> Stephen: MA'AM, IT IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE TO INTERRUPT
WITH AVIONICS OR AVIATION. PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON RIGHT
NOW. YOU ARE DELTA THREE-FIVE-NINER
ON APPROACH TO O'HARE. I'VE GOT PLANES STACKED UP ON
O'HARE LIKE CORDWOOD RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: CAN I HAVE YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
>> NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T HAVE YOUR NAME.
ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAND THIS
OVER TO HOMELAND SECURITY, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME YOUR NAME.
>> WELL, YOU CAN DO THAT. >> Stephen: DELTA THREE-FIVE-
NINER, YOU ARE CLEARED TO LAND. >> I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE.
ALL RIGHT? >> Stephen: WELL, I'M GOING TO
CALL THE ARMY. ( LAUGHTER )
GOOD PEOPLE AT THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE.
AND, TO EVERYONE I TALKED TO, MY I'M SO SORRY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO CATE
BLANCHETT.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, I'M HERE WITH THE LOVELY AND
TALENTED KAITD BLANCHETT. CATE, YOU KNOW I REALLY ENJOY
HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL GUEST, ALWAYS ENJOY
TALKING TO YOU, EVEN THE NUMBER OF TIMES I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO
TALK WITH YOU OVER ZOOM, IT IS REALLY HARD TO GET TO KNOW
SOMEONE IN THE CONFINES OF ONE OF THESE INTERVIEWS WHERE WE ARE
TALKING ABOUT THE MOVIE WE'VE GOT COMING OUT, TAR OR THE
THINGS I HAVE SEEN YOU IN BEFORE.
WE HAVEN'T. >> THERE IS NO THERE, THERE.
>> ST HARD TO SAY. SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE AT THE LATE
SHOW IS COME UP WITH SOMETHING CALLED THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT,
A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN ERGONOMICALLY DESIGNED
TO BE A MISSILE TO FIND OUT WHO THE TRUE CATE BLANCHETT IS, DO
YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO FACE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
>> CAN I LIE DOWN? >> Stephen: YOU CAN DO
ANYTHING-- . HERE WE GO.
BRAVE WOMAN. QUESTION NUMBER ONE, CATE
BLANCHETT WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH.
>> PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY. >> Stephen: KEPT IT SIMPLE, I
ADMIRE THAT CATE BLANCHETT WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT
YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT? >> UNDERPANTS THAT MY MOTHER
MADE ME WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO SEE WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS ABOUT YOUR
CHILDHOOD. FRAULINE.
>> I'M NOT WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT WEARING THEM RIGHT
NOW. >> Stephen: THAT'S FINE, NO,
NO, NO. OKAY.
KAILT BLANCHETT WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> A OPOSSUM. >> Stephen: NO, WAIT A SECOND.
>> I HAD ONE ON THE END OF MY BED.
>> Stephen: AN AMERICAN OPOSSUM THAT LOOKS LIKE A RAT OR
THE AUSTRALIAN OPOSSUM. >> THE AUSTRALIAN OPOSSUM THAT
CAN KILL CATS. >> Stephen: SO ARE YOU NOT A
CAT. >> OKAY,WHAT IS A SCARY ANIMAL.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN STAY WITH THE POS OPOSSUM, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CHANGE IT. BUT THEY ARE KIND OF FURRY, AND
CUTE. >> POSESSUMS KILL CATS.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES. >> HANG ON, DOES A THERAPIST
LOOK AT THE ANSWERS THAT A PERSON GIVES, HAVE I SNEFER BEEN
IN LONG TERM THERAPY, CAN I CHOOSE YOUR ANIMAL BUT THEN I
WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND. >> Stephen: I DIDN'T CHANGE
YOUR MIND, I SAID YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ANIMAL.
>> YOU JUST DIDN'T AGREE WITH IT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE I DIDN'T AGREE WITH IT.
>> WHAT IS THE SCARIEST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS FRAULINE.
AND I'M NOT A THERAPIST ANYWAY, ALL OF THIS WILL BE IN MY BOOK.
APPLES OR ORANGES. >> APPLES.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON ORANGE.
YOU HAVE EVER ASKED SOMEBODY FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH.
>> NO. >> Stephen: CATE BLANCHETT
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> YOU TURN INTO A SOUP, A HUMAN SOUP.
IT'S DCH-- IT'S IN THE MORTGAGE WEAR INDUSTRY THAT IS WHAT IS
REFERRED TO, YOU BECOME A SOUP. >> Stephen: AND HOW DO YOU
KNOW THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY IN THE MORTGAGE WEAR INDUSTRY, IF CAN I
ASK A BRIEF FOLLOW-- MORE TUARY. >> BECAUSE I SAW A DOCUMENTARY.
>> Stephen: KEEP IT LIGHT, CATE.
>> YOU ASKED THE QUESTION. >> Stephen: I DID ASK THE
QUESTION. >> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE.
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE HAVE VERY HOPEFUL ANSWERS.
>> LIKE WHAT? >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW,
THAT. >> LITTLE ANGELS COME DOWN AND
YOU LOOSE BLADDER CONTROL. I MEAN-- YEAH.
>> Stephen: STRUCK A NERVE. OKAY.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. >> OOOH, UM, YOU KNOW, WHAT WAS
THE ONE WITH MEL GIBSON AND THE MULLET.
>> Stephen: THE PATRIOT OR-- . >> NO.
>> Stephen: OR FREEDOM. >> THAT WHERE WHERE HE PLAYS
WILLIAM WALLACE. >> WHAT YOU MA
CALL-- BRAVEHEART. >> WOULD YOU YOU CALL DIRTY
HARRY AN ACTION MOVIE. BAM BEE.
LET'S GO WITH BAM BEE. >> Stephen: BAMBOO, OKAY, THAT
FIRE SCENE IS VERY. >> IT'S REALLY-- .
>> Stephen: VERY SCARY. FAVORITE SMELL.
>> OH, GARLIC. >> Stephen: GARLIC, OKAY.
>> COOKING GARLIC, NOT GARLIC ON OTHER PEOPLE,.
>> Stephen: LIKE RAW GARLIC, ROASTED.
>> LIKE WHEN YOU ARE COOKING ASUGO OR SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: A WHAT? >> OR THE SMELL OF YOUR BABY'S
BUTT BEFORE THEY POOP, YOU KNOW, LIKE BABY, BABY SMELL.
>> Stephen: YEAH. AND WHAT WERE YOU COOKING WITH
THE GARLIC. SUGGESTO.
>> SUGGESTO. >> Stephen: WHAT IS SUGO.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT SUGO IS. >> LIKES A TOMATO BASE USED IN
ITALIAN COOKING, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
>> YOUR CEILING IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: ISN'T T IT VL GOR GUTION, THIS IS ALL DIGITAL
PROJECTION. >> IT LOOKS LIKE A KIND OF
BUTTERFLY. >> Stephen: KIND OF. WE DO
LASER LIGHT SHOWS AND PLAY ZEPPELIN.
>> YEAH, NICE, WHEN NO ONE IS HERE.
YEAH. >> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE
SMELL. >> BO.
OR, NO I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY, YEAH, AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO
TELL PEOPLE AND IT'S THE WORST WHEN IT IS YOUR OWN BO, THAT VL
BAD BECAUSE YOU SUDDENLY-- . >> Stephen: HAS THAT SURPRISED
YOU. >> YEAH T HAS SURPRISED HE ME,
YEAH. >> Stephen: ARE YOU
COMFORTABLE? >> VERY.
>> Stephen: OKAY. MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> I DON'T LIKE APPS. >> Stephen: THAT WAINTD THE
QUESTION. DO YOU HAVE A PHONE, DOES IT
HAVE APPS. >> YEAH, I HAVE A PHONE, MOST
USED APP ON MY PHONE, THERE SAN APP WHERE YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR
PARKING WHEN YOU CATCH THE TRAIN CALLED WINGO.
I USE THAT QUITE A LOT. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
CATS OR DOGS? >> DOGS, DEFINITELY, ALTHOUGH
HAVE I A CAT CALLED WARRICK WHO IS LIKE A DOG.
>> Stephen: WHAT WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF.
>> SEVEN. >> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> OH [BLEEP] >> Stephen: THAT'S TWO.
THREE TO GO. >> [BLEEP] [BLEEP] MAMA HELP ME.
>> Stephen: CATE BLANCHE ELEVATOR, CONGRATULATIONS,
MADAME, ARE YOU KNOWN. CATE BLANCHETT, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW.
(APPLAUSE) FOLKS
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A TALENTED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM FILMS
INCLUDING "LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE," "LOVE & MERCY," AND
"THE BATMAN." HE NOW STARS IN STEVEN
SPIELBERG'S "THE FABELMANS." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," PAUL DANO. (APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THANK YOU, NICE TO
SEE YOU AGAIN. >> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: WE JUST A COUPLE FEW DAYS AGO WE HAD YOUR
FABELMAN'S COSTAR, MICHELLE WILLIAMS ON HERE WHO PLAYS YOUR
WIFE IN THIS ONE. WE CONGRAT LATED HER ON HER NEW
BABY. BUT I JUST FOWRCHED OUT THAT YOU
GOT A NEW BABY TOO. BUSTING OUT ALL OVER.
HOW OLD IS YOUR BABY. >> WE'RE TRAVELING WITH THE
BABIES ON PRESS TOUR. IT IS VERY SWEET.
I HAVE A ONE MONTHS OLD. >> Stephen: ONE MONTH?
ONE MONTH? >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND HOW ARE YOU EVEN AWAKE?
DOES SPIELBERG NOT GIVE PATERNITY LEAVE, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND. >> YOU MIGHT GET SOMETHING OUT
OF ME TONIGHT, YOU KNOW, I FEEL VULNERABLE, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A YOUNG DAD WITH THE YOUNG
BABY, YOU HAVE A CHEMO PSYCHOSIS BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER SLEEPING.
>> YEAH, WE'RE NOT SLEEPING. HE IS ALSO A GASES-- GASSY
LITTLE GUY AND MY MOTHER CALLED ME POOH BEAR WHEN I WAS LITTLE
AND I THINK I NOW KNOW WHY. BESIDES THE FACT THAT MY VOICE
IS LIKE AN OCTAVE LOWER FROM EXHAUSTION, WE'RE GREAT.
>> Stephen: WE GAVE MICHELLE ONE OF THESE AND I WOULD LIKE TO
GIVE YOU ONE TOO. IT IS A LITTLE LATE SHOW ONESIE,
THERE YOU GO. THAT IS FOR YOU.
>> THAT'S SWEET, THANK YOU. >> Stephen: YOU'RE PLAYING A
DAD ON SCREEN IN THE FABELMAN'S. YOU'RE PLAYING SOMEONE WHO IS
BASED ON SPIELBERG'S DAD. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND SAMMY IS THE MAIN CHARACTER AND YOU'RE
SAMMY'S DAD. HAD YOU EVER WORKED WITH
SPIELBERG BEFORE? >> I HAD NOT WORKED WITH HIM, I
MET HIM ONCE, I GOT A TEXT, STEVEN SPIELBERG WANTS TO MEET
WITH YOU, GREAT, WHEN AND WHERE. AND WE ZOOMED A FEW TIMES AND
ULTIMATELY HE ASK IMMEDIATE TO PLAY HIS FATHER.
AND I'M LIKE THIS GUY NAMED PAUL.
AND STEPHEN-- STEVEN SPEEGBERG WANTS ME TO PLAY HIS FATHER AND
I DON'T MEAN THAT-- I MEAN IT LIKE I THINK IF I FULLY LET IT
IN, MY HEART MIGHT EXPLODE BECAUSE IT IS QUITE SOMETHING.
AND THIS WAS NOT LIKE ANY FILM THAT I HAVE MADE BEFORE TO HAVE
A MASTER LIKE STEVEN SO OPEN AND VULNERABLE AND RAW IN
EXPERIENCING MEMORY AND TELLING HIS STORY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS AS
CLOSE TO A MEMOIR AS HE IS GOING TO GET, RIGHT, HE IS WRITING
WITH THE PEN WHICH HE KNOWS BEST, HE IS WRITING WITH THE
CAMERA. AND AS HE SHOULD.
AND SO TO HAVE THIS SORT OF CRAZY INTIMATE EXPERIENCE WITH
STEVEN, WITH HIS SISTERS, WITH HIS FAMILY, WITH THE ARCHIVES,
AND HIS CREW HAS BEEN WORKING WITH HIM FOR 20, 30 YEARS.
HE SAID THIS IS NOT LIKE ANY OF THE OTHERS.
IT WAS REALLY, REALLY QUITE SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF YOU PLAYING THE DAD WITH
SAM HERE, ARE YOU IN A CAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE.
>> YEAH, WE'RE IN A CAR. >> Stephen: LET'S NOT GIVE IT
ALL AWAY. >> Stephen: I THINK ONE OF THE
TENSIONS AS A PARENT WHICH MAYBE YOU KNOW SU WANT THE BEST FOR
YOUR KID BUT YOU WANT TO GUIDE THEM.
AND AT THIS POINT IN THE FILM I BELIEVE THAT SAMMY IS SPENDING
MAYBE A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME WITH HIS HOBIES.
AND-- HOBBIES AND HE NEEDS TO BE PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER
THINGS. >> A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A
HOBBY. >> IT'S NOT A HOBBY, DAD.
>> IF YOU SPENT HALF THE TIME ON ALGEBRA AS YOU DID ON THESE
MOVIES. >> I HATE ALGEBRA, ST COMPLETELY
POINTLESS. >> NOT IF YOU WANT TO MAKE
SOMETHING T IS NOT POINTLESS. SAMMY, WHEN I WAS A BOY, I
ALWAYS FIGURED OUT SOMEBODY FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS.
THIS CAR, THAT REARVIEW MIRROR, THAT DIRECTIONAL SIGNAL.
>> I WANT TO MAKE MOVIES THOUGH. (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, WE WILL BE RIGHT
MORE WITH MR. PAUL DANO, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A TURKEY, HARD TO GET THEM THIS
YEAR. >> IS IT REALLY.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'S BACK HERE WITH ONE THE
STARS OF THE FABELMANS, PAUL DANO.
HOW DID PAUL DANO GET INTO CHARACTER, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'M JUST CURIOUS, YOU LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT SAY SPIELBERG'S
DAD, LIKE HOW DO YOU THEN INCORPORATE, THAT HOW DO YOU GET
PAIRED WITH THAT CHARACTER TO GO ON STAGE?
>> RIGHT, SO THERE IS A LOT OF PARTS, I MEAN, I DO A LOT OF
RESEARCH. I REALLY LIKE, I'M A DORKY
GIERKS I REALLY LIKE TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME SORT OF LEARNING MY
STUFF. AND THERE IS NOAR COMPONENT OF
IT, THERE SAY MENTAL, SPIRITUAL, EMOTIONAL COMPONENT BUT A
PHYSICAL COMPONENT AS WELL, WHERE ARE YOU PLACING YOUR
ENERGY IN YOUR BODY. I REALLY LOOK UP TO ATHLETES,
LIKE HOW DO YOU GET TO THAT ZONE WHERE YOU WANT YOUR TEMPERATURE
TO BE UP, RIGHT, BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO LIKE BE RELAXED SO
EVERYTHING IS FLOWING THROUGH YOU.
SO HOW DO YOU GET TO THAT PEAK, HOW DO YOU GET IT UP, SO TO
SPEAK BUT ALSO BE RELAXED. SO-- .
>> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF MOVIES ARE WE MAKING HERE, PAUL.
SO I USUALLY CULTIVATE LIKE A WARMUP FOR EACH CHARACTER,
DEPENDING ON THE CHARACTER TO LEAD ME INTO MY DAY.
AND THAT, YOU KNOW, HAS SOMETHING, ATHLETES FOR EXAMPLE
THERE IS THIS RUNNING COACH TALKS ABOUT YOU WANT TO MAKE
YOUR YOUR HANDS ARE RELAXED BECAUSE THAT WILL SIGNAL TO YOUR
BODY, MY ACTING TEACHER SAYS YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR TONGUE
AND SPHINCTER ARE RELAXED BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE YOU CARRY
A LOT OF TENSION. YOU WORK WITH POLITICS ALL DAY
LONG. I FIGURE YOU ARE PRETTY PUCKERED
UP. BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR
SPHINCTER AND I THOUGHT BUT HIRE ARE YOU ALSO A COMEDIAN AND I
THINK THAT REQUIRES YOU TO BE RELAXED.
SO MAYBE THAT BALANCES OUT YOUR BODY FROM YOUR POLITICAL LIFE TO
YOUR-- . >> Stephen: ANY ADVICE ON HOW
TO LOOSEN UP THE OLD. >> YEAH, A GLOVE, A LAT EXGLOVE.
NO. NO.
>> Stephen: I THINK WE DO, ACTUALLY.
I THINK WE DO. >> YEAH, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO
KNOW? >> Stephen: I REALLY DO WANT
TO KNOW. IS THIS A REAL THING, DO YOU
ACTUALLY RELAX YOUR SPHINCTER. >> ABSOLUTELY, I'M REALLY NOT
KIDDING. >> Stephen: YOU ARE THE ONLY
ONE LAUGHING. >> SO YOU KNOW, YOU WANT YOUR
UNCONSCIOUS TO BE OPERATING AT IT'S FULLEST STRENGTH WHEN ARE
YOU ACTING. SO YOU KNOW, WHERE WE HOLD
TENSION SO YEAH, ALL DO YOU IS, WE CAN DO THIS, I CAN TALK YOU
THROUGH IT I WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR MIND INTO YOUR BOTTOM.
AND YOU CAN TALK TO IT IF YOU WANT.
I MEAN IN YOUR HEAD, EVEN. YOU CAN JUST SAY, YOU CAN SAY
STEPHEN'S BOTTOM, STEPHEN SPHINCTER, I WANT TO YOU LET GO
OF ANY TENSION YOU ARE CARRYING. AND YOU JUST PUT YOUR MIND INTO
THE PLACE, INTO THE PART OF YOUR BODY YOU WANT TO RELAX.
YOU HAVE DONE THAT, A BODY SCAN MEDITATING.
>> Stephen: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR MIND INTO YOUR SPHINCTER.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: METAPHORICALLY
STICK YOUR HEAD UP YOUR OWN ASS. >> EXACTLY RIGHT.
I FEEL GOOD, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE READY TO GO NOW, DO YOU?
>> Stephen: GO ACT? (LAUGHTER)
YES. >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: PAUL. "THE FABELMANS" IS IN THEATERS
NOW. PAUL DANO, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY HOLLY
HUMBERSTONE.
>> Stephen: HERE PERFORMING HER NEW SINGLE, "CAN YOU AFFORD
TO LOSE ME?," HOLLY HUMBERSTONE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ YOU WERE MY HOME PLANET
YOU WERE MY STARS, MY HOLY PLACE ♪ BUT YOU TOOK ME FOR GRANTED
RIGHT FROM THE START NOW DIDN'T YOU, BABE?
♪ AND I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK
♪ IN FINDING SOMEONE ELSE WHO'S STRONG ENOUGH
♪ AND I THIS IS THE ONLY TIME
♪ I CAN'T BE KEEPING YOU FROM MESSING UP
♪ SO, GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR WORST BUT DON'T YOU GO AND
♪ CRY WHEN IT HURTS CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME?
♪ GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR BAGS BUT ONCE YOU'RE GONE
♪ YOU CAN'T COME BACK CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME?
♪ AND IF YOU'VE STILL GOT THAT FIRE, THEN PROVE IT TO ME
MMM ♪ I WAS YOUR LIFE-SUPPORT
MACHINE ♪ DIDN'T YOU REALIZE IT WAS
ALWAYS ME? ♪ I WAS ALWAYS THERE TO PICK UP
THE PIECES ♪ WHEN YOU WERE A FULL-BLOWN
CATASTROPHE, YEAH ♪ AND I
GAVE YOU THE CLOSEST THING ♪ YOU EVER HAD TO LOVE
SO SOBER UP ♪ AND THIS TIME
THIS IS THE FINAL TIME ♪ I'LL DRAW THE LINE
I'VE SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH ♪ SO, GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR WORST
BUT DON'T YOU GO AND ♪ CRY WHEN IT HURTS
CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? ♪ GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR BAGS
BECAUSE ONCE YOU'RE GONE ♪ YOU CAN'T COME BACK
CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? ♪ AND IF YOU'VE STILL GOT THAT
FIRE, THEN PROVE IT TO ME, HMM ♪ CAN YOU SLEEP
WITHOUT ME? ♪ CAN YOU BREATHE
WITHOUT ME? ♪ DON'T YOU
NEED SOMEBODY? SOMEBODY?
HI HI
♪ CAN YOU AFFORD TO? ♪ SO, GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR WORST
BUT DON'T YOU GO AND ♪ CRY WHEN IT HURTS
CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME? ♪ CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME?
♪ GO AHEAD AND PACK YOUR BAGS BUT ONCE YOU'RE GONE.
♪ YOU CAN'T COME BACK CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE ME?
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: TO SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: HOLLY HUMBERSTONE, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOOD NIGHT.