1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,069 >> NEW CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. 2 00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:05,138 LAWYERS FOR DONALD TRUMP SAY THY DISCOVERED MATERIAL WHILE 3 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:09,876 SEARCHING A STORAGE UNIT IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA. 4 00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:12,879 THE ITEMS WERE REPORTEDLY FOUND AMONG A MIX OF BOXES, GIFTS, 5 00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:15,415 SUITS, AND CLOTHES, INCLUDING SWORDS AND WRESTLING BELTS. 6 00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:21,121 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THIS SEASON ON "STORAGE 7 00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,889 WARS," A TREASURE SEEKER OPENS A UNIT IN WEST PALM BEACH AND GOES 8 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,125 ON THE HUNT. >> A WITCH HUNT. 9 00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,394 >> I PAID $1,100 FOR THIS UNIT. CAN'T WAIT TO GET IN THERE AND 10 00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:31,498 DIG AROUND. >> WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL FIND. 11 00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:34,634 >> THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. 12 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,635 THE BEAUTIFUL LETTER FROM KIM JONG-UN. 13 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:39,339 MY SON ERIC. >> DAD! 14 00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:41,508 DAD! IT'S DARK IN HERE! 15 00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:45,145 >> WILL HE DISCOVER TREASURE, OR WILL IT BE A BUST? 16 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:51,418 >> SO FAR, ALL I GOT IS THIS SWORD, THIS WRESTLING BELT, AND 17 00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:55,255 THESE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES. >> IT'S ALL HAPPENING ON THIS 18 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:59,526 SEASON OF "STORAGE WARS." >> DAD, I GOTTA GO PEE-PEE. 19 00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:00,360 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 20 00:01:00,427 --> 00:01:07,967 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT: 21 00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:11,538 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 22 00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:16,543 ALICIA KEYS AND EDDIE IZZARD 23 00:01:16,609 --> 00:01:19,446 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE 24 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,681 LATE SHOW BAND. ED 25 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,450 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 26 00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:30,423 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 27 00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:45,371 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 28 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:51,244 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 29 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:55,281 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Louis: GOOD TO SEE YOU, 30 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:56,816 MAN. >> Stephen: HELLO, HELLO. 31 00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,785 >> Audience: STEPHEN! STEPHEN. 32 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,754 >> Stephen: HAPPY THURSDAY! MY FRIENDS! 33 00:02:01,821 --> 00:02:08,328 OH, MY FRIENDS. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 34 00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:10,263 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DOWN THERE. 35 00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:16,469 ALL AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪ 36 00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:18,137 THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO 37 00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:20,473 "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 38 00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:21,608 AND HERE'S SOMETHING-- ( APPLAUSE ) 39 00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:29,382 THERE'S GOOD NEWS OUT OF RUSSIA, BECAUSE THIS MORNING, 40 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:30,683 WRONGFULLY-DETAINED W.N.B.A. STAR BRITTNEY GRINER WAS 41 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:42,462 RELEASED FROM RUSSIAN DETENTION! BOOM! 42 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,964 ( APPLAUSE ) THE RACK AND IS REJECTED! 43 00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:47,634 NOW BRITTNEY IS COMING HOME, BUT SHE HAS TO DRIBBLE THE ENTIRE 44 00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:53,306 TIME, OR IT IS TRAVELING. ( LAUGHTER ) 45 00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:54,607 FREEDOM. A BIG WIN FOR JOE BIDEN, WHOSE 46 00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,476 ADMINISTRATION BROKERED THE RELEASE. 47 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,011 THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THE NEWS WITH THIS TWEET: "MOMENTS AGO, I 48 00:02:58,077 --> 00:03:01,748 SPOKE TO BRITTNEY GRINER. SHE IS SAFE. 49 00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:03,783 SHE IS ON A PLANE. SHE IS ON HER WAY HOME." 50 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,753 ( APPLAUSE ) SIMPLY STATED. 51 00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:13,226 CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. THAT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL. 52 00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,727 I'M SURE SHE GOT ON THAT PLANE, AND THEY SAID, "BRITTNEY, YOU 53 00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:17,196 CAN FINALLY REST EASY, AFTER YOU TAKE THIS 20-MINUTE CALL 54 00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:21,267 ABOUT THE RISE AND FALL OF SCRANTON'S HISTORIC TAFFY 55 00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:25,972 FACTORY." ( LAUGHTER ) 56 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:29,309 WAS THIS? BACK IN FEBRUARY AND SENTENCED 57 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,779 TO NINE YEARS IN PRISON AFTER AIRPORT SECURITY FOUND VAPE 58 00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:34,681 CARTRIDGES WITH .7 GRAMS OF CANNABIS OIL IN HER LUGGAGE. 59 00:03:34,747 --> 00:03:40,053 THEY GAVE HER HARD TIME FOR SEVEN-TENTHS OF ONE GRAM. 60 00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,188 THAT'S THE AMOUNT OF WEED WILLIE NELSON SCRAPES OUT OF HIS BELLY 61 00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:43,489 BUTTON. ( LAUGHTER ) 62 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:47,894 HE JUST SECRETES IT. IT'S LIKE A TAP. 63 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:53,333 THERE YOU GO. HOLD STILL, WILLIE. 64 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:58,171 BUT NOW GRINER'S HEADING HOME AFTER THE WHITE HOUSE AGREED TO 65 00:03:58,237 --> 00:04:02,175 A ONE-FOR-ONE PRISONER SWAP FOR RUSSIAN ARMS DEALER VIKTOR BOUT, 66 00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:09,182 WHOSE NICKNAME IS THE "MERCHANT OF DEATH." 67 00:04:09,248 --> 00:04:13,386 SO TO GET A SPORTS STAR WHO HAD LESS THAN ONE GRAM OF WEED, WE 68 00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:15,221 HAND OVER "THE MERCHANT OF DEATH." 69 00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:16,990 THIS IS ALWAYS HOW IT GOES WITH RUSSIAN PRISONER SWAPS. 70 00:04:17,056 --> 00:04:19,559 ( RUSSIAN ACCENT ) WHO TOOK UNFLATTERING PHOTO OF 71 00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,194 RED SQUARE. YOU RELEASE GARGOG THE 72 00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:27,867 FLESH-MANGLER." ( LAUGHTER ) 73 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:33,940 DWOWER OF SOULS. THE PRISONER EXCHANGE WENT DOWN 74 00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:36,943 IN ABU DHABI, AND GRINER IS EXPECTED TO BE BACK ON U.S. SOIL 75 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:40,913 WITHIN 24 HOURS. WELCOME HOME, BRITNEY! 76 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:45,985 A LOT HAS CHANGED. DON'T GOOGLE "KANYE HITLER." 77 00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:47,520 JUST TRUST ME. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. 78 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:52,091 I'LL CALL YOU LATER. SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT HAS BEEN A 79 00:04:52,158 --> 00:04:53,960 ROUGH MONTH FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT, AND THINGS GOT WORSE 80 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,997 YESTERDAY WHEN WE LEARNED THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TEAM 81 00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,666 FOUND TWO MORE DOCUMENTS WITH CLASSIFIED MARKINGS. 82 00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:01,968 IS THERE ANY PLACE THIS GUY DOESN'T HAVE CLASSIFIED 83 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:05,838 DOCUMENTS? FOR HIM, IT'S LIKE GLITTER. 84 00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:07,607 THEY JUST GET EVERYWHERE. A MONTH LATER, YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY 85 00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:11,644 AM I STILL FINDING NUCLEAR SECRETS IN MY BUTT CRACK?" 86 00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:19,152 ( LAUGHTER ) NOT IN MAR-A-LAGO OR ANY OF HIS 87 00:05:19,218 --> 00:05:20,253 OTHER PROPERTIES. INSTEAD, THEY WERE FOUND IN A 88 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:23,489 FLORIDA STORAGE UNIT. HOW FITTING. 89 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:28,061 THE OTHER GUYS HAVE PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES. 90 00:05:28,127 --> 00:05:31,898 HE HAS A PRESIDENTIAL CUBESMART. ( LAUGHTER ) 91 00:05:31,964 --> 00:05:37,170 CUBESMART. THAT'S A FUNNY WORD. 92 00:05:37,236 --> 00:05:39,706 CUBE-- CUBESMART. BOUILLON CUBE. 93 00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:43,509 THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TEAM IS ALREADY MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. 94 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:45,878 ONE SOURCE SAYS, "HE HAS NEVER BEEN INSIDE THE STORAGE 95 00:05:45,945 --> 00:05:50,817 FACILITY." CLASSIC LEGAL ARGUMENT. 96 00:05:50,883 --> 00:05:52,485 SAME REASON YOU CAN'T CONVICT SOMEONE OF MAIL FRAUD UNLESS YOU 97 00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:56,489 CATCH THEM INSIDE A MAILBOX. ( LAUGHTER ) 98 00:05:56,556 --> 00:06:00,493 SERIES OF BAD HEADLINES, WHAT WITH HIM CALLING FOR THE 99 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,497 TERMINATION OF THE CONSTITUTION AND SHARING NACHOS WITH NAZIS. 100 00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:08,401 NOW, YOU'D THINK HE'D LEARN FROM THAT LAST ONE, BUT YOU'RE 101 00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:10,803 FORGETTING HE IS INCAPABLE OF LEARNING. 102 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,305 SO IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT ON TUESDAY, HE WAS PHOTOGRAPHED 103 00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:16,309 WITH A QANON PIZZAGATE CONSPIRACY THEORIST AT 104 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,244 MAR-A-LAGO. HE'LL HANG OUT WITH ANYBODY. 105 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:30,590 HI NEXT MAR-A-LAGO PHOTO-OP IS WITH THE MERCHANT OF DEATH. 106 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,391 ( LAUGHTER ) THE CONSPIRACY THEORIST WAS 107 00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:37,130 THERE TO PROMOTE A MOVIE FULL OF QANON LIES AND SHE BRAGS THAT 108 00:06:37,196 --> 00:06:39,398 THE MOVIE IS "BANNED BY YOUTUBE, FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, TWITTER, 109 00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:47,240 AND PAYPAL." FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN WATCH 110 00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:48,274 MOVIES ON PAYPAL? ( LAUGHTER ) 111 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:53,112 SECOND, IF YOU CAN'T WATCH ON PAYPAL, WHAT'S LEFT? 112 00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:56,883 DO I HAVE TO STREAM IT ON GRUBHUB? 113 00:06:56,949 --> 00:07:01,420 DOORDASH? THESE SCANDALS HAVE TAKEN A TOLL 114 00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,523 ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S POPULARITY. 115 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:07,193 AMONG HIS FELLOW REPUBLICANS IT'S GONE FROM "MAGA!" TO 116 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,395 "MAG-EHH." AND NOW SOME REPUBLICANS ARE 117 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:11,531 GEARING UP TO CHALLENGE HIM. FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER 118 00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:18,070 JOHN BOLTON SAYS THAT IF G.O.P. CANDIDATES WON'T DENOUNCE THE 119 00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:19,438 EX-PRESIDENT, "I'M GOING TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER GETTING IN." 120 00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:21,674 MAKES SENSE. BOLTON ALREADY LOOKS LIKE A 121 00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:24,510 PRESIDENT! FROM 1886. 122 00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:30,683 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT! 123 00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:34,687 THAT'S RIGHT! "IF ELECTED, ALL VOTERS WILL 124 00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:38,491 RECEIVE A BOLT OF CALICO, A LATE MODEL BUTTER-CHURN, AND A KICK 125 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:44,730 FROM A HANDSOME HORSE!" THERE'S A BIG STORY-- IN 126 00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,966 CHARACTER? NOT IN CHARACTER. 127 00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:50,303 VERY DEEP WORK. THERE'S A BIG STORY OUT OF PERU, 128 00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:52,071 BCAUSE YESTERDAY, PERU'S PRESIDENT WAS IMPEACHED AND 129 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:55,808 ARRESTED AFTER HE TRIED TO DISSOLVE CONGRESS. 130 00:07:55,875 --> 00:08:01,080 SO YOU CAN TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION AGAINST A PRESIDENT WHO ATTACKS 131 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,849 CONGRESS? I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO DITHER 132 00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:05,751 ABOUT IT FOR TWO YEARS UNTIL HE HAS DINNER WITH NAZIS AND THEN 133 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:08,221 STILL NOT DO ANYTHING! THE PRESIDENTIAL-- 134 00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:14,360 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOUILLON CUBE! 135 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:18,998 PRESIDENTIAL CORRUPTION HAS BEEN AN ONGOING PROBLEM DOWN IN PERU. 136 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:23,135 IN FACT, THEY'VE NOW HAD FIVE PRESIDENTS IN A LITTLE MORE THAN 137 00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:25,605 TWO YEARS. DTHEY'VE HAD MORE PRESIDENTS 138 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:29,408 THAN WE'VE HAD SPIDER-MEN! ( LAUGHTER ) 139 00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:33,779 CORRUPTION. THE PRESIDENT WHO GOT OUSTED 140 00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:38,351 THIS WEEK IS LEFTIST POLITICIAN, PEDRO CASTILLO, SEEN HERE 141 00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:42,255 DEMANDING TO KNOW WHO STOLE HIS GIANT NOTEPAD. 142 00:08:42,321 --> 00:08:45,524 ( LAUGHTER ) REPUTATION. 143 00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,326 SINCE TAKING OFFICE ABOUT A YEAR AGO, HE'S BEEN HOUNDED BY 144 00:08:47,393 --> 00:08:51,564 CORRUPTION CHARGES. AND YESTERDAY, TO STOP A PLANNED 145 00:08:51,631 --> 00:08:53,966 INVESTIGATION OF HIS ADMINISTRATION, HE ANNOUNCED THE 146 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,436 IMMEDIATE DISSOLUTION OF CONGRESS AND SAID HE WOULD RULE 147 00:08:57,503 --> 00:09:01,374 BY DECREE, BECAUSE CONGRESS WAS "OVERSTEPPING ITS POWER." 148 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,775 OF COURSE, BECAUSE IT WAS A PERUVIAN COUP, HE IMMEDIATELY 149 00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:05,177 GOT THE SUPPORT OF THE "MY ALPACA GUY." 150 00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:15,988 THAT WOULD BE COMFY. I WOULD SLEEP ON AN ALPACA. 151 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:19,725 AFTER BEING DETAINED, CASTILLO WAS PHOTOGRAPHED IN CUSTODY AT A 152 00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,928 POLICE STATION, OR PERHAPS THE WAITING ROOM OF A CHIROPRACTOR 153 00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:23,729 WHO BELIEVES IN THE POWER OF ANGELS. 154 00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:30,670 HERE'S A FUN FACT: AFTER PERU'S CONGRESS IMPEACHED HIM, CASTILLO 155 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:31,904 MADE A RUN FOR IT, BUT HE WAS CAUGHT BECAUSE BAD TRAFFIC 156 00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:37,576 APPEARED TO PREVENT HIM FROM ESCAPING. 157 00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:39,145 THERE'S A TRAFFIC REPORT I'D LOVE TO HEAR: 158 00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:41,814 ( AS TRAFFIC REPORTER ) BUMPER OUT THERE DUE TO A 159 00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:44,383 WANNABE DICTATOR JACKKNIFED ON THE EXPRESSWAY. 160 00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:48,120 SO IF YOU'RE HEADING TO MACHU PICCHU, YOU SHOULD HAVE 161 00:09:48,187 --> 00:09:50,389 LEFT IN THE YEAR 1450." ( LAUGHTER ) 162 00:09:50,456 --> 00:10:02,301 ( CHEERS ) IT'S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE 163 00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:05,071 NEWS. BECAUSE STARTING AT MIDNIGHT 164 00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:09,475 LAST NIGHT, "NEW YORK TIMES" JOURNALISTS AND OTHER STAFFERS 165 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:12,511 WENT ON STRIKE. WHICH EXPLAINS TODAY'S FRONT 166 00:10:12,578 --> 00:10:15,448 PAGE: "HOW DO YOU WORK PRINTER? JANET USUALLY DOES THIS! 167 00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:17,083 WHERE JANET?!" ( LAUGHTER ) 168 00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:20,353 JANET! DAMN IT! 169 00:10:20,419 --> 00:10:26,726 DAMN IT, JANET! "THE NEW YORK TIMES" UNION HAS 170 00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:28,561 BEEN NEGOTIATING FOR BETTER PAY AND BENEFITS SINCE LAST YEAR, 171 00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:32,331 BECAUSE STAFF COMPENSATION HASN'T KEPT UP WITH THE PAPER'S 172 00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:34,400 PROFITS. IN FACT, SOME STAFFERS HAD TO 173 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,634 TAKE SECOND JOBS TO MAKE ENDS MEET, WHICH IS WHY THE NEW TIMES 174 00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:38,971 SQUARE BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP MASCOT IS PAUL KRUGMAN. 175 00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:43,142 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SAD. 176 00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:47,213 THE UNION HAS ASKED READERS NOT TO CROSS THE DIGITAL PICKET LINE 177 00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:49,215 BY AVOIDING THE TIMES WEBSITE, NOT USING THEIR COOKING RECIPES, 178 00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:54,286 AND BREAKING THEIR WORDLE STREAK. 179 00:10:54,353 --> 00:11:00,993 NOOOO, WITH FOUR Os! THAT'S A TOUGH ONE TO GIVE UP. 180 00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:03,829 WITHOUT THE WORDLE, WHAT STUPID ACHIEVEMENT WILL WE LORD OVER 181 00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:07,400 OUR SPOUSES? ( LAUGHTER ) 182 00:11:07,466 --> 00:11:10,236 NEW YORK TIMES" UNION, WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" ARE HAPPY TO 183 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:12,505 FILL THE VOID FOR ALL YOU WORDLE NERDLES BY LAUNCHING THE 184 00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:18,411 ONE-TIME-ONLY COLBERTDLE. ( LAUGHTER ) 185 00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:23,015 THINKING OF A FIVE-LETTER WORD. YOU GUESS ONE GUESS. 186 00:11:23,082 --> 00:11:24,316 LET'S TRY A ROUND RIGHT NOW: EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE, SHOUT 187 00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:29,588 OUT A FIVE-LETTER WORD. ( AUDIENCE SHOUTS ) 188 00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:31,724 >> Stephen: ONE OF YOU WAS CORRECT. 189 00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:34,794 IF YOU'RE PLAYING AT HOME, TWEET YOUR GUESS WITH THE HASHTAG 190 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,862 #COLBERTDLE. TOMORROW, WE'LL POST THE ANSWER. 191 00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:38,297 "NEW YORK TIMES," ONCE YOU REACH AN AGREEMENT WITH YOUR UNION, I 192 00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:45,237 WILL SELL YOU COLBERTDLE FOR $1 BILLION. 193 00:11:45,304 --> 00:11:47,139 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 194 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:50,009 MY GUESTS ARE ALICIA KEYS AND EDDIE IZZARD. 195 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:52,812 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 196 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,347 JOIN US, WON'T YOU. OF 197 00:12:23,109 --> 00:12:37,823 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 198 00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,893 WELCOME BACK! GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND 199 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:51,103 THE LATE SHOW BAND RIGHT THERE! ( APPLAUSE ) 200 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:57,209 GOTTA SAY THAT YOU GUYS-- YOU ALWAYS LOOK FANTASTIC OVER IN 201 00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:00,079 THE BAND. BUT YOU ARE LOOKING A LITTLE BIT 202 00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:02,047 EXTRA SPIFFY TONIGHT. >> Louis: WHY, THANK YOU. 203 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:05,885 >> Stephen: IS THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE "THE LATE SHOW"" HOLIDAY 204 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,887 PARTY TONIGHT. IS THAT WHY YOU'RE LOOKING SO 205 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:10,556 NICE? I SEE A LOT OF PURPLES GOING ON. 206 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,191 VERY NICE. IT'S A HOLIDAY PARTY. 207 00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:15,928 YOU KNOW WHAT WE SAY AROUND HERE-- HAVE A GOOD TIME, NOT A 208 00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:17,463 GREAT TIME. >> Louis: BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO 209 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,132 COME BACK. >> Stephen: GREAT TIME USUALLY 210 00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:23,068 MEANS THERE'S SOME TROUBLE. "HOW WAS THE PARTY?" 211 00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:27,940 "IT WAS GOOD." TONIGHT, SPEAKING OF GOOD AND 212 00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:31,510 GREAT, WE HAVE TWO AMAZING PERFORMERS OUT HERE TONIGHT. 213 00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:35,681 EDDIE IZZARD, COMEDIAN, ACTOR, ACTIVIST, WRITER. 214 00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:39,018 ( APPLAUSE ) AND THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE GREAT 215 00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:41,720 NEW YORK SOUND, ALICIA KEYS WILL BE OUT HERE IN A LITTLE WHILE. 216 00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:43,656 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). ALSO PERFORMING. 217 00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:46,659 ALSO PERFORMING. GOT A NEW CHRISTMAS ALBUM. 218 00:13:46,725 --> 00:13:50,129 >> Louis: I HEARD. >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST 219 00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:51,897 OF MY TIME OVER IN THE NEWS KITCHEN, SWEATING THE DAY'S 220 00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:56,268 BIGGEST STORY SHALLOTS, ADDING A CHIFFONADE OF TARRAGON AND 221 00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:57,870 CHERVIL, CREATING A REDUCTION OF CHAMPAGNE VINEGAR AND LOUIS 222 00:13:57,937 --> 00:14:04,276 JADOT CHARDONNAY, WHISKING IN THE YOLKS OF ORPINGTON HEN EGGS, 223 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:07,279 THEN EMULSIFYING IT WITH CLARIFIED RODOLPHE LE MEUNIER 224 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:12,284 BUTTER TO BRING YOU THE MICHELIN STAR "SAUCE BEARNAISE" THAT IS 225 00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:13,919 MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, 226 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:17,790 FOLKS, I CRASH A STOLEN DUNE BUGGY INTO A COMPOST TANKER, 227 00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:21,060 SCRAPE TOGETHER SOME PUMPKIN HUSKS, GRASS CLIPPINGS, AND FISH 228 00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:23,996 HEADS, BOIL IT ALL IN A HUBCAP OVER AN OIL DRUM FIRE 229 00:14:24,063 --> 00:14:27,433 WITH SOME FIREBALL AND MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, THEN LET AMERICA 230 00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:31,670 KEG-STAND THE BOTULISM-LACED CHUM GRAVY OF NEWS THAT IS MY 231 00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:39,278 SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE! 232 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,780 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). CAN GET! 233 00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:48,053 ALWAYS, ALWAYS A JOY. MEANWHILE, UBER IS LAUNCHING 234 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,222 SELF-DRIVING CARS IN LAS VEGAS, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: 235 00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:54,660 "WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, WILL PROBABLY KILL SOME PEDESTRIANS." 236 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:59,865 ( LAUGHTER ) NEWS, ON TUESDAY, JOEY CHESTNUT 237 00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:03,502 DOMINATED THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS' PIEROGI-EATING 238 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:07,139 COMPETITION. OKAY, THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK 239 00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:08,907 HERE. JOEY CHESTNUT IS A COMPETITIVE 240 00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:13,078 EATER MOST FAMOUS FOR THE NATHAN'S HOT DOG CHAMPIONSHIP 241 00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:14,713 CONTEST, AND THE CAVALIERS ARE AN N.B.A. BASKETBALL TEAM, AND A 242 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:21,353 PIEROGI-EATING CONTEST IS A CRY FOR HELP. 243 00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:24,857 ALL IN, CHESTNUT POUNDED 47 PIEROGIES WHILE HIS THREE 244 00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:32,164 COMPETITORS ATE 33 PIEROGIES COMBINED! 245 00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:35,301 HE ATE MORE THAN ALL THREE OF THOSE ADULT MEN. 246 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:38,570 I'D SAY HE PUT THEM TO SHAME. BUT IF YOU'RE EATING DOUBLE- 247 00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:41,740 DIGIT PIEROGIES, SHAME IS WHERE YOU LIVE. 248 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:48,347 ( LAUGHTER ) HELLMANN'S WANTS YOU TO PUT MAYO 249 00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:51,950 IN YOUR EGGNOG THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. 250 00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:54,286 NO. ( LAUGHTER ) 251 00:15:54,353 --> 00:15:59,258 MEANWHILE, IN MUSEUM NEWS, THE "RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT" 252 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:02,294 MUSEUM IN ATLANTIC CITY IS ABOUT TO CLOSE. 253 00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:04,229 APPARENTLY, THE MUSEUM'S FOUNDERS FAILED TO ANTICIPATE 254 00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:07,933 HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD CHOOSE "OR NOT." 255 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:15,541 ( LAUGHTER ) JOURNAL "SCIENCE" FOUND THAT FOR 256 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:19,812 MOST HEALTHY ADULTS, DRINKING EIGHT CUPS OF WATER A DAY IS 257 00:16:19,878 --> 00:16:22,881 COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND IS MISGUIDED, IN PART BECAUSE IT 258 00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:28,354 DOESN'T TAKE INTO ACCOUNT ALL THE WATER THAT WE GET FROM OUR 259 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,456 FOOD. WHICH IS WHY I WILL ASK BEN & 260 00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:34,793 JERRY'S TO RE-RELEASE AMERICONE DREAM WITH THE NEW LABEL 261 00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,829 "TECHNICALLY, AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF WATER." 262 00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:51,777 MMM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 263 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:52,678 MMM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 264 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:55,447 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TIME TO HYDRATE. 265 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:59,118 ( LAUGHTER ) MMM. 266 00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:04,022 MMM. ( LAUGHTER ) 267 00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:08,694 SOME DAIRY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ALICIA 268 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:23,642 KEYS. ♪ ♪ ♪ 269 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,744 KEYS. ♪ ♪ ♪ 270 00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:34,853 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 271 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:39,758 WELCOME BACK! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST 272 00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:42,795 GUEST TONIGHT IS A 15-TIME GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING ARTIST WHO 273 00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:48,066 HAS SOLD OVER 65 MILLION RECORDS WORLDWIDE. 274 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:52,438 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," ALICIA KEYS. 275 00:17:52,504 --> 00:18:07,386 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 276 00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:20,999 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 277 00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:23,202 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS A GOOD, GOOD VIBE. 278 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,837 >> Stephen: IT IS A GOOD VIBE. I LIKE ALL THE SPARKLES. 279 00:18:24,903 --> 00:18:27,206 >> I BROUGHT SOME HOLIDAY CHEER FOR YOU. 280 00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:28,674 >> Stephen: YOU DID, EXACTLY. YOU'RE LIKE A LIT-UP CHRISTMAS 281 00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:29,641 TREE. >> I AM. 282 00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:33,212 >> Stephen: YOU ALWAYS BRING THE GOOD VIEBDZ. 283 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:36,949 UPPER, BACK IN 2020, YOU WERE ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE I 284 00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:39,685 INTERVIEWED OVER ZOOM IN THE BEGINNING OF COVID WHEN I WAS 285 00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:42,087 BACK AT HOME AND MY WIFE WAS MY CREW. 286 00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:43,655 BACK IN THE DAY. >> IT WAS CRAZY. 287 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:46,024 I REMEMBER IT WAS HARD FOR YOU TO DO IT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T 288 00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:47,593 FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THE STUFF. 289 00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:50,596 ( LAUGHTER ). COULDN'T HAVE ANYBODY-- 290 00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:53,198 >> IT WAS WEIRD. >> Stephen: I JUST TALK AT IT. 291 00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:55,968 I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS! YOU WERE VERY GOOD. 292 00:18:56,034 --> 00:19:01,540 YOU CALMED ME DOWN, ACTUALLY. YOU WERE MY SENSAI. 293 00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:06,612 >> I'M HERE FOR YOU. >> Stephen: YOU LED ME THROUGH 294 00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:07,880 SOME MEDITATIONS. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? 295 00:19:07,946 --> 00:19:09,515 >> I REMEMBER THIS. I WAS IN MY HOUSE, OBVIOUSLY. 296 00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:13,652 YOU WERE IN YOUR HOUSE. I THINK YOU GAVE EVERYBODY MY 297 00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:14,853 TELEPHONE NUMBER. YOU VIOLATED, MAN. 298 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:18,624 >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. YOU GOT ME TO BREATHE AND YOU 299 00:19:18,690 --> 00:19:22,027 WANTED ME TO MANIFEST AND EXPRESS TOO THE UNIVERSE WHAT I 300 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:26,532 WANTED TO BRING INTO MY LIFE. AND I SAID, "I WANT A LIVE 301 00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:29,635 STUDIO AUDIENCE." I THINK YOU MANIFESTED THESE 302 00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:32,938 PEOPLE FOR ME. >> WE MANIFESTED! 303 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:38,343 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK TOO,. 304 00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:41,413 WE'RE HAPPY TO BE BACK. WE'RE SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE BACK. 305 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,615 GLAD TO BE IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY. 306 00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:50,255 I'M BIG ON MANIFESTATION. I'M BIG ON ASPIRATIONS AND 307 00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:53,125 MANTRAS, LIKE I'M STRONG, CAPABLE, AND ABLE. 308 00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:56,595 LIKE, I'M COMPLEX, LAYERED AND DEFINED. 309 00:19:56,662 --> 00:19:58,730 >> Stephen: COMPLEX, LAYERED AND DEVINE. 310 00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:00,165 >> YES. >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A 311 00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:01,633 WONDERFUL CAKE. >> NO, THAT'S ME! 312 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,902 >> Stephen: OH, OKAY. >> AND YOU! 313 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:05,504 >> Stephen: YOUR FACIAL CAROLINE. 314 00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:08,574 CAN YOU DO ANYTHING FOR MY T-ZONE? 315 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,576 I GOT VARIABLE. I GOT SOME OILY, SOME DRY. 316 00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:14,880 >> I HAVE CLEANSER, RICH TRANSFORMATION SKIN CREAM FOR 317 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,715 YOU. >> Stephen: HOOK ME UP. 318 00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:18,517 LET'S MANIFEST. >> I GOT YOU, BABY! 319 00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:21,920 >> Stephen: SPEAKING IN FRONT OF AND MANIFESTING A LIVE 320 00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:25,190 AUDIENCE, YOUR WORLD TOUR, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2013. 321 00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:27,826 >> CAN ANYBODY-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TIME. 322 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:32,531 FIRST OF ALL, WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THREE YEARS, WE CAN LET IT 323 00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:34,499 GO. THREE YEARS OF ALL THE TIMES WE 324 00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:38,103 WERE JUST EXPERIENCING A WHOLE WORLD PANDEMIC IS NOT TO BE 325 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,972 COUNTED. BUT IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE 326 00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:42,274 I WAS ON TOUR. GOING ON TOUR THIS SUMMER, I WAS 327 00:20:42,341 --> 00:20:45,277 WITH MY FAMILY FOR THE FIRST TIME, ALL OF US TOGETHER ON 328 00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:47,579 TOUR. MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD LEARNED HOW TO 329 00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:51,383 RIDE A BIKE WITHOUT TRAINING WHEELS IN BORDEAUX, FRANCE. 330 00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:53,085 I WAS LIKE -- >> Stephen: SURE. 331 00:20:53,151 --> 00:20:56,755 ( APPLAUSE ) >> THAT'S NOT HOW I LEARNED HOW 332 00:20:56,822 --> 00:21:00,659 TO RIDE MY BIKE. >> Stephen: 12 YEARS AGO, YOUR 333 00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:02,761 12 YEARS THE LAST TIME YOU TOURED WAS THREE. 334 00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,030 THIS IS YOUR SON EGYPT. >> YES. 335 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:08,900 >> Stephen: HE PLAYS PIANO. HE WENT UP THERE AND PLAYED A 336 00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:11,403 SONG IN FRONT OF 17,000 PEOPLE. WHERE WAS THAT? 337 00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:15,807 >> THIS WAS IN MANHEIM, GERMANY. LET ME TELL YOU A QUICK STORY -- 338 00:21:15,874 --> 00:21:18,644 >> Stephen: I HAVE A PHOTO WHILE YOU'RE TELLING THE STORY. 339 00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:22,414 >> EVER SINCE EGYPT WAS A KID, HE'S ALWAYS BEEN WANTING TO 340 00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:23,715 PERFORM. HE WANTS TO GET ON THE STAGE AND 341 00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:27,386 DO THE DANCE. AND I'M LIKE, "EGYPT, YOU HAVE 342 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:29,354 TO PRACTICE. PRACTICE SOMETHING WE CAN TRY 343 00:21:29,421 --> 00:21:32,157 IT." THIS TIME HE WAS LIKE, "I WANT 344 00:21:32,224 --> 00:21:36,428 TO GET ON STAGE." I SAID PUT TOGETHER SOMETHING. 345 00:21:36,495 --> 00:21:42,000 HE PUTS TOGETHER THREE OR FOUR ANIME SONGS AND FINISHEDS WITH 346 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:43,602 "GAME OF THRONES." HE ORGANIZED IT HIMSELF. 347 00:21:43,669 --> 00:21:46,204 HE SAID I'M READY. I SAID COME TO SOUND CHECK. 348 00:21:46,271 --> 00:21:50,042 MAKE SURE YOU FEEL GOOD. WHEN YOU COME OUT YOU HAVE TO 349 00:21:50,108 --> 00:21:51,743 SAY, WHAT'S UP, MAN! HI!" 350 00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:56,181 YOU HAVE TO ENGAGE THE AUDIENCE. WE WORK ON IT AND HE DOES THE 351 00:21:56,248 --> 00:21:59,685 SOUND CHECK AND HE'S A TINY BIT RUSTY BUT HE SOUNDED GOOD. 352 00:21:59,751 --> 00:22:02,220 I SAD TO HIS DAD, LET'S HAVE HIM WAIT. 353 00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:04,089 AND HE WAS LIKE HE'S READY TONIGHT. 354 00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,591 AND I WAS LIKE ARE YOU SURE SNIFFS ALL MOM. 355 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,695 HE SAID HE'S READY. I ASKED EGYPT, DO YOU WANT TO DO 356 00:22:09,761 --> 00:22:11,063 IT? HE SAID I'M READY. 357 00:22:11,129 --> 00:22:14,032 I SAID ARE YOU SURE? YOU CAN WAIT. 358 00:22:14,099 --> 00:22:16,835 I WAS BEING ALL MOMMY HE SAID I CAN DO IT. 359 00:22:16,902 --> 00:22:20,572 I GET ON STAGE, AND I SAID, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GIVE IT UP 360 00:22:20,639 --> 00:22:25,043 FOR MY SON EGYPT. HE COMES OUT, WHAT'S UP, 361 00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:27,446 MANHEIM! HE GOES TO THE PIANO, AND HE'S 362 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:32,684 LIKE, "YOU GUYS READY FOR THIS? AND I WAS LIKE... 363 00:22:32,751 --> 00:22:33,819 >> Stephen: WERE YOU READY FOR THIS? 364 00:22:33,885 --> 00:22:36,354 >> I WAS NOT READY. I LEFT THE STAGE TO GET CHANGED, 365 00:22:36,421 --> 00:22:38,890 AND THE BOY KILLED IT. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. 366 00:22:38,957 --> 00:22:41,526 ( APPLAUSE ). THAT'S NICE. 367 00:22:41,593 --> 00:22:43,962 YOU COULD HEAR IT. YOU COULD HEAR IT. 368 00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:47,799 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT COME ON BACK, BECAUSE WE'LL 369 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:58,477 BE HERE WITH MORE ALICIA KEYS, EVERYBODY. 370 00:22:58,543 --> 00:22:59,745 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WORE BACK WITH ALICIA KEYS WITH 371 00:22:59,811 --> 00:23:03,849 A NEW CHRISTMAS ALBUM, "SANTA BABY." 372 00:23:03,915 --> 00:23:10,255 >> LOOK AT THAT! >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 373 00:23:10,322 --> 00:23:14,926 IT'S GOT "SANTA BABY" "CHRISTMASTIME IS HERE" "PLEASE 374 00:23:14,993 --> 00:23:18,797 COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS" SOME ORIGINAL SONGS. 375 00:23:18,864 --> 00:23:21,767 "AVE MARIA." WHY, WHY-- I WAS SAYING TO LOUIS 376 00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:26,571 THESE ARE GOING INTO ROTATION FOR ME THIS CHRISTMAS. 377 00:23:26,638 --> 00:23:29,107 >> ABSOLUTELY. >> Stephen: WHY DID YOU WANT 378 00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:31,710 TO DO A CHRISTMAS ALBUM? >> I ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT IT. 379 00:23:31,777 --> 00:23:33,712 HEME SAID ALICIA YOU NEED TO DO A CHRISTMAS ALBUM. 380 00:23:33,779 --> 00:23:35,714 IT WILL BE SO COOL. AND I SAID I'LL DO IT. 381 00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:38,650 I'LL GET TO IT. THIS YEAR FELT RIGHT. 382 00:23:38,717 --> 00:23:42,554 THIS TIME OF YEAR IS SO SPECIAL. ALL OF THE SONGS THAT CREATE OUR 383 00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:43,722 MEMORIES. I WANT TO BE A PARENT OF THAT. 384 00:23:43,789 --> 00:23:46,858 I WANT TO BE PART OF SOMETHING THAT CREATES MEMORIES FOR 385 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,460 PEOPLE. THIS ALBUM IS SO GOOD. 386 00:23:48,527 --> 00:23:51,797 YOU CAN PLAY IT WHILE MAKING DINNER, SITTING BY THE FIRE, 387 00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:53,398 WHILE YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR KIDS. 388 00:23:53,465 --> 00:23:57,435 YOU CAN PLAY IT AT ANY MOMENT. >> Stephen: I AM HAPPY TO HAVE 389 00:23:57,502 --> 00:24:00,772 IT, I AM HAVING TROUBLE GETTING INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT. 390 00:24:00,839 --> 00:24:02,841 >> WHY. >> Stephen: I'M TOO BUSY. 391 00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:05,877 TOO MANY THINGS GOING ON. I NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND 392 00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:08,413 APPRECIATE YOU ONLY GET SO MANY OF THESE IN YOUR LIFE. 393 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,382 >> I FEEL YOU. I THINK THAT'S THE MOST 394 00:24:10,448 --> 00:24:12,250 BEAUTIFUL PART. I THINK A LOT OF TIMES WE GET 395 00:24:12,317 --> 00:24:14,986 CAUGHT UP WITH WHAT CAN WE GET THE PERSON AND DO I HAVE ENOUGH 396 00:24:15,053 --> 00:24:18,356 MONEY TO BUY THE THING? AND IT RUINS KIND OF THE POINT 397 00:24:18,423 --> 00:24:22,594 OF IT ALL. >> Stephen: WHAT SHOULD I GET 398 00:24:22,661 --> 00:24:25,330 MY WIFE FOR CHRISTMAS? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA? 399 00:24:25,397 --> 00:24:28,967 HOLD ON ONE SECOND. EV, DON'T WATCH THIS PART. 400 00:24:29,034 --> 00:24:34,005 >> EV, I WAS ABOUT TO GO IN FOR YOU, SOME CARS, DIAMONDS! 401 00:24:34,072 --> 00:24:37,976 >> Stephen: THERE IT IS. A DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED CAR. 402 00:24:38,043 --> 00:24:40,745 THAT'S WHAT IT IS. IS THERE A SONG-- IS THERE 403 00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:41,947 ANYTHING-- THESE ARE GREAT SONGS. 404 00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:44,716 ARE THERE ANY BIG CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT 405 00:24:44,783 --> 00:24:47,152 THAT YOU WISH YOU HAD ANOTHER TRACK FOR? 406 00:24:47,219 --> 00:24:53,625 I HAVE A MOMENT WHERE I WAS GOING TO DO A MASH-UP WITH "AVE 407 00:24:53,692 --> 00:24:56,795 MARIA" AND "FALLEN," BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A BEAUTIFUL 408 00:24:56,862 --> 00:24:59,064 MOMENT. IT DIDN'T END UP WORKING OUT FOR 409 00:24:59,130 --> 00:25:01,800 THE ALBUM, BUT I HAVE DECIDED TO DO IT LIVE. 410 00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:04,903 I'M DOING A HOLIDAY MASQUERADE BALL ON SATURDAY. 411 00:25:04,970 --> 00:25:08,306 AND I'M GOING TO DO-- YOU HAVE TO GET DRESSED UP AND HAVE A 412 00:25:08,373 --> 00:25:10,709 MASK. IT'S GOING TO BE AMAZING. 413 00:25:10,775 --> 00:25:14,779 YOU SHOULD COME. >> Stephen: WHERE CAN WE COME? 414 00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:18,650 >> IT'S IN WASHINGTON HEIGHTS AT THE UNITED PALACE THEATER. 415 00:25:18,717 --> 00:25:21,853 I'M DOING A WHOLE CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK THEME. 416 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,755 VERY HARLEM, WASHINGTON HEIGHTS. IT'S SUPER GREAT. 417 00:25:23,822 --> 00:25:25,657 AND I'M GOING TO PERFORM THAT THERE. 418 00:25:25,724 --> 00:25:28,760 EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT ON THE ALBUM, YOU CAN POTENTIALLY HEAR 419 00:25:28,827 --> 00:25:31,029 A LIVE VERSION OF IT. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 420 00:25:31,096 --> 00:25:34,199 YOU'VE COLLABORATED WITH A LOT OF INCREDIBLE PEOPLE. 421 00:25:34,266 --> 00:25:37,736 ONE PERSON THAT YOU COLLABORATED WITH IS I'M AN ENORMOUS FAN OF, 422 00:25:37,802 --> 00:25:42,307 NOT ONLY HER MUSIC BUT HER AS A PERSON, YOU AND BRANDY CARLISLE. 423 00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:46,411 >> LOVE BRANDY CARLISLE! I LOVE HER! 424 00:25:46,478 --> 00:25:49,581 ( APPLAUSE ). WITH HER ON "A BEAUTIFUL NOISE" 425 00:25:49,648 --> 00:25:54,286 IN 2020. IS SHE-- DID YOU EVER HEAR HER 426 00:25:54,352 --> 00:25:57,756 OR SEE HER DO ANY OF JONI MITCHELL'S "BLUE?" 427 00:25:57,822 --> 00:26:00,625 >> I JUST REALIZED SHE DID THE ENTIRE ALBUM. 428 00:26:00,692 --> 00:26:05,430 I KNOW THAT SHE LOVES JONI. SHE TALKS ABOUT JONI SO MUCH. 429 00:26:05,497 --> 00:26:09,067 AND I KNOW SHE COVERED "BLUE." I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS THE 430 00:26:09,134 --> 00:26:10,635 ENTIRE EYE DIDN'T PUT THAT TOGETHER. 431 00:26:10,702 --> 00:26:12,971 >> Stephen: IS THERE SOME ARTIST OUT THERE THAT YOU LOVE 432 00:26:13,038 --> 00:26:16,775 SO MUCH YOU'RE LIKE I'D LIKE TO RECREATE THAT ENTIRE ALBUM AS AN 433 00:26:16,841 --> 00:26:21,012 HOMAGE TO THAT PERSON? >> I FEEL LIKE IF I WAS TO PICK 434 00:26:21,079 --> 00:26:29,321 ONE, IT WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TO BE, LIKE, SONGS IN THE KEY OF 435 00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:30,121 LIFE. >> Stephen: OOOOH. 436 00:26:30,188 --> 00:26:31,056 YEAH. >> WHAT DO YOU THINK? 437 00:26:31,122 --> 00:26:32,991 >> Stephen: YEAH. >> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IT 438 00:26:33,058 --> 00:26:35,493 WOULDN'T BE EASY THOUGH. IT WOULDN'T BE EASY. 439 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:40,231 THAT WOULD BE HARD. BECAUSE THERE IS NOBODY WHO CAN 440 00:26:40,298 --> 00:26:42,634 PLAY LIKE STEVIE WONDER, PERIOD, END OF STORY. 441 00:26:42,701 --> 00:26:46,071 YOU CAN TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET THAT 442 00:26:46,137 --> 00:26:47,806 CHORD EXACTLY RIGHT. THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. 443 00:26:47,872 --> 00:26:49,975 >> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE PERFORMING FOR US TONIGHT. 444 00:26:50,041 --> 00:26:53,511 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE DOING FOR THE PEOPLE OUT HERE AND THE 445 00:26:53,578 --> 00:26:54,879 PEOPLE ON THE TV? ( APPLAUSE ). 446 00:26:54,946 --> 00:27:00,352 I'M GOING TO DO "SANTA BABY." I'M DEFINITELY HONORING THE GOES 447 00:27:00,418 --> 00:27:02,654 OF GODDESS, EARTHA KITT, AND IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE. 448 00:27:02,721 --> 00:27:06,324 I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS. ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THIS? 449 00:27:06,391 --> 00:27:09,361 ( APPLAUSE ). STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE 450 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:12,964 OF "SANTA BABY," BY ALICIA KEYS. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EDDIE 451 00:27:13,031 --> 00:27:15,300 IZZARD. THANK YOU, ALICIA. 452 00:27:27,746 --> 00:27:30,815 ( APPLAUSE ). EVERYBODY! 453 00:27:30,882 --> 00:27:34,619 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY WINNER AND 454 00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:37,522 TONY NOMINEE WHO HAS PERFORMED IN FOUR DIFFERENT LANGUAGES IN 455 00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:39,958 OVER 45 COUNTRIES. SHE NOW STARS IN A SOLO STAGE 456 00:27:40,025 --> 00:27:42,127 PRODUCTION OF "GREAT EXPECTATIONS" HERE IN NEW YORK. 457 00:27:42,193 --> 00:27:45,897 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," EDDIE IZZARD. 458 00:27:45,964 --> 00:28:00,845 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 459 00:28:00,912 --> 00:28:02,013 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 460 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:06,484 >> VERY GOOD TO BE HERE. >> Stephen: NOW, THE LAST TIME 461 00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:07,786 WE WERE TOGETHER. 2017. 462 00:28:07,852 --> 00:28:09,954 AND AT THE TIME, IF YOU REMEMBER, YOU SAID, WITHIN FOUR 463 00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:12,957 TO FIVE YEARS-- AND IT HAS BEEN FIVE YEARS-- YOU WOULD BE 464 00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,292 RUNNING FOR PARLIAMENT. >> YEAH. 465 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:18,530 >> Ste.. >> Stephen: YOU ARE ONE OF 466 00:28:18,596 --> 00:28:20,865 YOUR WORD. ON SUNDAY YOU HAD YOUR PRIMARY 467 00:28:20,932 --> 00:28:22,200 ELECTION. HERE IS A PAMPHLET. 468 00:28:22,267 --> 00:28:24,702 THIS PROVES YOU WERE RUNNING FOR OFFICE. 469 00:28:24,769 --> 00:28:30,008 >> YES. BUT WE SHOULD ADD TO THIS -- 470 00:28:30,075 --> 00:28:31,409 >> Stephen: PRIMARY, PRIMARY WAS SUNDAY. 471 00:28:31,476 --> 00:28:32,877 HOW DID IT GO? >> I DIDN'T GET IT. 472 00:28:32,944 --> 00:28:35,480 I CAME SECOND. BUT IT'S THE GREAT PEOPLE IN THE 473 00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:40,318 CITY OF SHEFFIELD. AND PEOPLE-- YOU MAY NOT KNOW 474 00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:43,121 SHEFFIELD SO WELL. BUT IT'S A GREAT HEART, GREAT 475 00:28:43,188 --> 00:28:45,156 CHARACTER. IT WAS A STEEL CITY, AND THE 476 00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:48,159 STEEL INDUSTRY WENT AWAY FROM BRITAIN. 477 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:51,796 AND THEY REINVENTED THEMSELVES. TWO GREAT UNIVERSITIES, A LOT OF 478 00:28:51,863 --> 00:28:58,470 GREAT TALENT THERE. IT'S WHERE YOU WENT TO. 479 00:28:58,536 --> 00:29:02,774 WHERE I WENT TO FOR MY DEGREE WHEN I WAS DOING ACCOUNTING AND 480 00:29:02,841 --> 00:29:04,709 FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE AN 481 00:29:04,776 --> 00:29:06,111 ACCOUNTING DEGREE? SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON? 482 00:29:06,177 --> 00:29:10,281 >> I DROPPED OUT AFTER ONE YEAR, JUST LIKE STEVE JOBS AND BILL 483 00:29:10,348 --> 00:29:13,952 GATES DID. >> Stephen: VERY SIMILAR. 484 00:29:14,018 --> 00:29:15,320 VERY SIMILAR. >> I KNEW I WANTED TO PERFORM. 485 00:29:15,386 --> 00:29:18,022 WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WANTED TO PERFORM? 486 00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:21,259 >> Stephen: WHEN I ENDED UP BEING THE YOUNGEST OF 11 487 00:29:21,326 --> 00:29:22,360 CHILDREN. THERE WAS ALWAYS AN AUDIENCE 488 00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:24,963 THERE. >> SEVEN YEARS OLD, MOM DIED 489 00:29:25,029 --> 00:29:28,867 WHEN I WAS SIX, SEVEN YEARS OLD. I LOST THE LOVE AND AFFECTION OF 490 00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:30,101 MOM. AND THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE GIVING 491 00:29:30,168 --> 00:29:31,703 OUT LOVE AND AFFECTION AND I SAID I THINK I NEED THAT AND IT 492 00:29:31,769 --> 00:29:35,006 LOCKED ON IN. AND I HAD TO PRETEND, YES, I'LL 493 00:29:35,073 --> 00:29:37,408 GO TO UNIVERSITY. >> Stephen: DO YOU GET THAT, I 494 00:29:37,475 --> 00:29:40,678 LOST MY FATHER AND A COUPLE OF MY BROTHERS WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND 495 00:29:40,745 --> 00:29:42,747 THAT LED ME TO KEEP MY MOM HAPPY. 496 00:29:42,814 --> 00:29:44,916 THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY PERFORMING, I THINK, WHEN I WAS 497 00:29:44,983 --> 00:29:47,485 AROUND 10. DID YOU THEN-- DID THAT SUPPLANT 498 00:29:47,552 --> 00:29:51,289 THAT LOVE, DID THAT FEED THAT MISSING PIECE OF YOU SINCERELY, 499 00:29:51,356 --> 00:29:54,058 I MEAN? ER WAS IT LIKE A GHOST YOU WERE 500 00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:55,593 CHASING? >> I THINK IT WAS A GHOST I WAS 501 00:29:55,660 --> 00:29:57,662 CHASING. I HAVE TRIED TO DO AMAZING 502 00:29:57,729 --> 00:29:59,998 THINGS. I HAVE BEEN RUNNING MULTIPLE 503 00:30:00,064 --> 00:30:02,901 MARATHONS AND STUFF AND PERFORMING, AS YOU SAID, IN 504 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:05,670 MULTIPLE LANGUAGES. IN MY DOCUMENTARY THAT WAS DONE 505 00:30:05,737 --> 00:30:09,807 ON ME, IT WAS ABOUT TRYING TO DO ENOUGH SO THAT MAYBE MOM COULD 506 00:30:09,874 --> 00:30:12,677 SEE THAT STUFF WAS HAPPENING THAT WAS DIFFERENT, AND SHE 507 00:30:12,744 --> 00:30:14,579 COULD SEE FROM BEYOND, YOU KNOW, WHEREVER. 508 00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,515 BUT I, UNFORTUNATELY, DON'T THINK-- I THINK MOM'S GONE. 509 00:30:17,582 --> 00:30:23,221 BUT SHE'S IN HERE. AND I'M TRYING-- I'M JUST-- I 510 00:30:23,288 --> 00:30:26,891 KNEW WHEN I WAS FOUR OR FIVE. YEAH, BUT I TRIED TO LEAD A 511 00:30:26,958 --> 00:30:31,596 POSITIVE LIFE, BEING HONEST, BEING OUT FOR 37 YEARS, ACTING 512 00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:33,898 AND DOING STAND-UP COMEDY, WHICH ARE QUITE DIFFERENT THINGS. 513 00:30:33,965 --> 00:30:36,434 >> Stephen: VERY MUCH SO. I NEVER DID STAND-UP. 514 00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:38,269 I ADMIRE PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE IT. 515 00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:40,405 IT SEEMS A BIT OF A LONELY THING. 516 00:30:40,471 --> 00:30:43,408 >> IT CAN BE. I FEEL LIKE I'M WITH THE 517 00:30:43,474 --> 00:30:46,744 AUDIENCE. IN STY STAND-UP I'M TALKING 518 00:30:46,811 --> 00:30:49,414 COMPLETE NONSENSE WITH PIGS AND SPACE AND THE BAN JOE, AND THE 519 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,951 AUDIENCE IS THERE, AND IN DRAMA, IT'S A DIFFERENT THING. 520 00:30:53,017 --> 00:30:58,556 DICKENS IS A DRAMA. IT'S NOT A COMEDY. 521 00:30:58,623 --> 00:31:00,959 >> Stephen: LET'S GET TO THAT RIGHT HERE. 522 00:31:01,025 --> 00:31:05,363 YOU ARE ALSO, BESIDES RUNNING FOR OFFICE-- I DO WANT TO ASK 523 00:31:05,430 --> 00:31:07,298 YOU ABOUT THAT IN JUST A MOMENT, ABOUT THAT. 524 00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:09,968 BUT YOU ARE ALSO AT THE GREENWICH HOUSE THEATER HERE 525 00:31:10,034 --> 00:31:15,707 DOWNTOWN IN NEW YORK. YOU ARE DOING A ONE-PERSON 526 00:31:15,773 --> 00:31:17,442 ADAPTATION OF THE DICKENS CLASSIC "GREAT EXPECTATIONS." 527 00:31:17,508 --> 00:31:21,379 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: OKAY, SO I-- 528 00:31:21,446 --> 00:31:24,649 ( APPLAUSE ) A LOT OF DICKENS FANS HERE 529 00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:26,417 TONIGHT. >> WELL, PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY-- 530 00:31:26,484 --> 00:31:29,220 PATRICK STUART HAS BEEN DOING "CHRISTMAS CAROL." 531 00:31:29,287 --> 00:31:32,490 A NUMBER OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING "CHRISTMAS CAROL." 532 00:31:32,557 --> 00:31:35,593 SO THE IDEA OF DOING SOLO SHOWS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. 533 00:31:35,660 --> 00:31:41,199 IT'S JUST THE INTERESTING THING ON IS I'M USING RICHARD PRYOR'S 534 00:31:41,266 --> 00:31:43,234 STAND-UP TECHNIQUE WHICH INFUSED MY STAND-UP. 535 00:31:43,301 --> 00:31:46,604 RICHARD USED TO DO THIS THING-- IF YOU WATCH RICHARD PRYOR LIVE, 536 00:31:46,671 --> 00:31:51,309 I THINK IT'S STALKING ABOUT TWO AFRICAN AMERICAN GUYS HUNTING. 537 00:31:51,376 --> 00:31:54,045 AND ONE SAYS GIVE ME THE GUN. I HAVEN'T GOT THE GUN. 538 00:31:54,112 --> 00:31:57,081 YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE GUN? AND IT IS THE TALKING OF TWO 539 00:31:57,148 --> 00:32:00,618 CHARACTERS, SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT VOICES AND POSTURES TALKING TO 540 00:32:00,685 --> 00:32:03,588 EACH OTHER. AND I THOUGHT I LIKE THAT. 541 00:32:03,655 --> 00:32:07,425 I COME FROM SKETCH COMEDY AND I'LL DO IT IN MY STAND-UP. 542 00:32:07,492 --> 00:32:13,331 AND I REALIZED WITH THE DICKENS I COULD DO IT IN THE DICKENS 543 00:32:13,398 --> 00:32:14,732 DRAMATICALLY. AND THEY'RE TALKING TO EACH 544 00:32:14,799 --> 00:32:17,902 OTHER, CHANGE THE ATTITUDE, THE VOICE, AND I JUST GET ALL THE 545 00:32:17,969 --> 00:32:19,537 CHARACTERS TALKING TO EACH OTHER THAT WAY. 546 00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:21,406 SOMETIMES UP TO FIVE OR SIX CHARACTER S. 547 00:32:21,472 --> 00:32:22,640 >> Stephen: DO YOU EVER GET CONFUSED? 548 00:32:22,707 --> 00:32:24,075 >> YES, ALL THE TIME. ( LAUGHTER ). 549 00:32:24,142 --> 00:32:27,178 STAGE. >> YES, IN LIFE. 550 00:32:27,245 --> 00:32:30,948 >> Stephen: COME ON, LET'S SELL SOME TICKETS. 551 00:32:31,015 --> 00:32:32,250 LET'S BUILD EXPECTATIONS FOR THIS. 552 00:32:32,317 --> 00:32:34,018 >> BUILD GREAT EXPECTATIONS FOR THIS. 553 00:32:34,085 --> 00:32:35,320 >> Stephen: HOW GREAT ARE THESE EXPECTATIONS? 554 00:32:35,386 --> 00:32:38,256 >> YOU WANT ME TO TELL THE STORY? 555 00:32:38,323 --> 00:32:39,891 >> Stephen: YES. >> IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE STORY, 556 00:32:39,957 --> 00:32:45,063 IT'S KIND OF A IT'S A RAGS-TO OF-RICHES STORY, A KID GROWING 557 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:49,133 UP FROM AN APPRENTICE TO A BLACKSMITH. 558 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:52,470 HE GETS THE MOTHER AND THINKS IT'S FROM A CRANKY OLD LADY WHO 559 00:32:52,537 --> 00:32:54,305 LIVES IN THE HOUSE WITH A BEAUTIFUL ADOPTED DAUGHTER. 560 00:32:54,372 --> 00:32:57,108 BUT IT ISN'T. AND HE BECOMES A GUY THROWING 561 00:32:57,175 --> 00:33:00,345 MONEY LEFT, RIGHT, AND CENTER. HE THINKS MONEY WILL MAKE HIM 562 00:33:00,411 --> 00:33:01,612 HAPPY. IT DOESN'T IN THE END. 563 00:33:01,679 --> 00:33:04,182 AND HE LEARNS THE LESSONS AND HE TRIES TO BECOME A DECENT HUMAN 564 00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:07,819 BEING BY THE END OF THE STORY. IT'S ONE OF HIS MORE ADVANCED 565 00:33:07,885 --> 00:33:11,756 STORIES, HIS LATEST STORIES. AND IT'S A GREAT-- IT'S A GREAT 566 00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:12,924 EPIC. >> Stephen: I WANT TO ASK YOU 567 00:33:12,990 --> 00:33:15,059 ABOUT THE POLITICS FOR JUST ONE SECOND HERE. 568 00:33:15,126 --> 00:33:16,794 >> YOU HAVE POLITICS IN YOUR COUNTRY, TOO. 569 00:33:16,861 --> 00:33:19,230 >> Stephen: WE DO HAVE POLITICS HERE. 570 00:33:19,297 --> 00:33:21,933 I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT POLPOLITICS IN MY COUNTRY OTHER 571 00:33:21,999 --> 00:33:23,868 THAN THIS-- YOU HAVE A SUCCESSFUL CAREER. 572 00:33:23,935 --> 00:33:25,503 >> YES. >> YOU MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR 573 00:33:25,570 --> 00:33:28,272 PEOPLE BY DOING YOUR COMDIERKS AS YOU SAID. 574 00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:30,608 YOU'RE NOT ALONE, THEY'RE NOT ALONE, BECAUSE THEY'RE WITH YOU 575 00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,677 IN THE THEATER. WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO POLITICS? 576 00:33:32,744 --> 00:33:35,046 HAVE YOU SPENT TIME WITH THESE PEOPLE? 577 00:33:35,113 --> 00:33:37,448 I ADMIRE PEOPLE WHO TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. 578 00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:41,085 I JUST MEET SO FEW OF THEM. IS YOUR POLITICS DIFFERENT FROM 579 00:33:41,152 --> 00:33:43,054 OUR POLITICS? >> IT'S THE SAME THING. 580 00:33:43,121 --> 00:33:47,658 THERE ARE CERTAIN POLITICIANS WHO DECIDED THEY COULD DO LYING 581 00:33:47,725 --> 00:33:49,460 INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, TELLING THE TRUTH. 582 00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:51,129 AND YOU'VE GOT DONALD TRUMP ON YOUR SIDE. 583 00:33:51,195 --> 00:33:55,700 AND WE HAD BORIS JOHNSON ON OUR SIDE, THE TWEEDLE DUM AND 584 00:33:55,767 --> 00:33:59,971 TWEEDLE DEE OF "PANTS ON FIRE" POLITICS, YOU KNOW 585 00:34:00,037 --> 00:34:04,208 ( APPLAUSE ) WHO HAVE PERSONALITY, WHO HAVE 586 00:34:04,275 --> 00:34:07,378 EGO, BUT DECIDE I'M JUST GOING TO LIE MY WAY THROUGH THE WHOLE 587 00:34:07,445 --> 00:34:10,415 OF THIS, AND IT APPEALS TO CERTAIN PEOPLE BECAUSE IT 588 00:34:10,481 --> 00:34:15,987 APPEALS TO CERTAIN BASE. I'M A RADICAL BUT MODERATE I'M 589 00:34:16,053 --> 00:34:20,024 RUNNING 130 MARATHONS MAKING MONEY FOR CHARITIES AROUND THE 590 00:34:20,091 --> 00:34:24,028 WORLD. IT'S MODERATE IN INTENTION, BUT 591 00:34:24,095 --> 00:34:26,063 A RADICAL THING TO DO. IT'S OUT THERE. 592 00:34:26,130 --> 00:34:29,367 BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING AND SALUTES NELSON MANDELA. 593 00:34:29,434 --> 00:34:30,668 >> Stephen: HOW ARE YOUR KNEES? 594 00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:35,740 >> MY KNEES ARE FINE BIZARRELY. I DON'T KNOW WHY. 595 00:34:35,807 --> 00:34:37,308 MY KNEES KEEPING. >> Stephen: ARE YOU STILL 596 00:34:37,375 --> 00:34:39,577 RUNNING? >> I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING 597 00:34:39,644 --> 00:34:40,845 MARATHONS FOREVER. >> Stephen: NOT FOREVER. 598 00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:44,782 >> AFTER DEATH IT WILL BE HARDER BUT MAYBE SOMEONE CAN PUSH ME 599 00:34:44,849 --> 00:34:46,317 AROUND. >> Stephen: RUB THE ASHES ON 600 00:34:46,384 --> 00:34:49,086 THEM AND THEY RUN AROUND. >> I BELIEVE I HAVE ENERGY. 601 00:34:49,153 --> 00:34:53,791 I HAVE ANALYSIS. YOU KNOW, I CAME OUT AS TRANS 37 602 00:34:53,858 --> 00:34:56,427 YEARS AGO TRYING TO SHOW LEADERSHIP AND TRYING TO MAKE A 603 00:34:56,494 --> 00:34:59,664 SPACE FOR MYSELF. IF ANYONE ELSE IS THINKING I'M 604 00:34:59,730 --> 00:35:02,733 TRANS AND THEY WANT TO COME OUT, THEY CAN SAY I'M A BIT LIKE THAT 605 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:07,405 PERSON AND WE CAN MOVE FORWARD. NO ONE WAS DISCUSSING TRANS IN 606 00:35:07,472 --> 00:35:08,272 '85. >> Stephen: I LIKE TO THINK OF 607 00:35:08,339 --> 00:35:09,807 MYSELF AS A BIT LIKE EDDIE IZZARD. 608 00:35:09,874 --> 00:35:13,544 >> IN A POSITIVE WAY, TRYING THINGS DIFFERENT WAYS, PUSHING 609 00:35:13,611 --> 00:35:15,079 OUT. THERE ARE A NUMBER OF US OUT 610 00:35:15,146 --> 00:35:17,849 THERE, TRYING TO GET OURSELVES IN A GOOD PLACE, AND TRYING TO 611 00:35:17,915 --> 00:35:21,052 REACH OUT, CAN WE HELP ANYBODY ELSE, BRING PEOPLE UP, MAKE 612 00:35:21,118 --> 00:35:23,187 CONNECTION RATHER THAN BREAK FEM THEM? 613 00:35:23,254 --> 00:35:25,022 CAN WE LEARN FROM YOU? CAN YOU LEARN FROM US? 614 00:35:25,089 --> 00:35:28,226 THAT'S MY POLITICS. I'M GOING TO KEEP PUSHING UNTIL 615 00:35:28,292 --> 00:35:32,530 I GET INTO PARLIAMENT AND TRY TO KEEP MAKING THINGS BETTER FOR 616 00:35:32,597 --> 00:35:33,397 ME. >> Stephen: EDDIE, LOVELY TO 617 00:35:33,464 --> 00:35:38,536 SEE YOU. >> Stephen: "GREAT EXPECTATIONS" 618 00:35:38,603 --> 00:35:39,604 BEGINS TOMORROW AT THE GREENWICH HOUSE THEATER. 619 00:35:39,670 --> 00:35:41,772 EDDIE IZZARD, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 620 00:35:41,839 --> 00:35:45,243 PERFORMANCE BY ALICIA KEYS. ♪ ♪ ♪ 621 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:49,113 ( APPLAUSE ) 622 00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:10,701 A >> Stephen: AND NOW, PERFORMING 623 00:36:10,768 --> 00:36:12,803 THE TITLE TRACK FROM HER HOLIDAY ALBUM, "SANTA BABY," ALICIA 624 00:36:12,870 --> 00:36:20,778 KEYS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 625 00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:29,220 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HELLO, SANTA 626 00:36:29,287 --> 00:36:32,056 IS THIS REALLY YOU? UH, WELL I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT 627 00:36:32,123 --> 00:36:37,295 SUPPOSED TO DO THIS, BUT I DO HAVE A LITTLE LIST, AND I'VE 628 00:36:37,361 --> 00:36:41,265 BEEN SUCH A GOOD GIRL, AND I KNOW I DESERVE IT. 629 00:36:41,332 --> 00:36:45,269 DO YOU WANNA HEAR IT? 630 00:36:45,336 --> 00:36:53,811 ♪ SANTA BABY, JUST SLIP A SABLE UNDER THE TREE FOR ME 631 00:36:53,878 --> 00:37:04,689 ♪ BEEN AN AWFUL GOOD GIRL SANTA BABY, SO HURRY DOWN THE 632 00:37:04,755 --> 00:37:17,468 CHIMNEY TONIGHT ♪ SANTA BABY, JUST A SIMPLE 633 00:37:17,535 --> 00:37:26,310 PROJECT, ONE FOR FUN I'LL WAIT UP FOR YOU, DEAR 634 00:37:26,377 --> 00:37:37,421 ♪ SANTA BABY, SO HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT 635 00:37:37,488 --> 00:37:42,927 ♪ THINK OF ALL THE FUN I'VE MISSED 636 00:37:42,994 --> 00:37:48,933 ♪ THINK OF ALL THE FELLAS THAT I HAVEN'T KISSED 637 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:52,937 ♪ NEXT YEAR COULD BE JUST AS GOOD 638 00:37:53,004 --> 00:38:00,945 ♪ IF YOU CHECK OFF MY CHRISTMAS LIST 639 00:38:01,012 --> 00:38:10,421 ♪ SANTA BABY, I WANT A YACHT AND REALLY, THAT'S NOT A LOT 640 00:38:10,488 --> 00:38:18,796 ♪ BEEN AN ANGEL ALL YEAR SANTA BABY, AND HURRY DOWN 641 00:38:18,863 --> 00:38:24,969 THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT YEAH, YEAH 642 00:38:25,036 --> 00:38:30,408 ♪ SANTA CUTIE, AND FILL MY STOCKING WITH THE DUPLEX AND 643 00:38:30,474 --> 00:38:36,981 CHECKS ♪ SIGN YOUR "X" ON THE LINE 644 00:38:37,048 --> 00:38:45,723 SANTA CUTIE, AND HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT, YEAH 645 00:38:45,790 --> 00:38:48,959 ♪ WON'T YOU COME AND COME AND COME 646 00:38:49,026 --> 00:38:54,398 ♪ COME AND TRIM MY CHRISTMAS TREE 647 00:38:54,465 --> 00:39:00,304 ♪ WITH SOME DECORATIONS BOUGHT AT TIFFANYS 648 00:39:00,371 --> 00:39:12,950 ♪ I REALLY DO BELIEVE IN YOU LET'S SEE IF YOU BELIEVE IN ME 649 00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:18,422 ♪ SANTA BABY, FORGOT TO MENTION ONE LITTLE THING 650 00:39:18,489 --> 00:39:28,265 ♪ A RING I DON'T MEAN ON THE PHONE 651 00:39:28,332 --> 00:39:34,405 ♪ SANTA BABY, AND HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT 652 00:39:34,472 --> 00:39:42,413 HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT ♪ SANTA, BABY, WON'T YOU HURRY, 653 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:54,959 COME AND SEE ME ♪ HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT 654 00:39:55,025 --> 00:40:09,907 HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 655 00:40:09,974 --> 00:40:14,078 HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 656 00:40:14,145 --> 00:40:18,415 PERFORMANCE ON colbertlateshow.com. 657 00:40:18,482 --> 00:40:24,955 ALICIA KEYS, EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 658 00:40:25,022 --> 00:40:27,424 GOOD NIGHT! ( APPLAUSE )