>> SCIENTISTS AT A DEPARTMENT OF
ENERGY LAB IN CALIFORNIA HAVE FIGURED OUT HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY
PRODUCE A NUCLEAR FUSION REACTION WITH A NET ENERGY GAIN.
THAT MEANS THEY HAVE SUCCEEDED IN TAKING TWO HYDROGEN ATOMS AND
USING 192 POWERFUL LASERS TO FORCE THOSE ATOMS TO FUSE
TOGETHER. >> COMMENCING TEST 1149.
>> ACTIVATING LASER CONVERGEENCE.
>> FOCUS, FOCUS. DAMMIT, WHO LET THAT CAT IN
HERE? >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" TONIGHT:
KEEP CALM AND MARRY ON! AND, A "LATE SHOW" ANIMATED
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
RuPAUL AND MUSICAL GUEST, ED SHEERAN
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND!
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THEñ< ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! >> Stephen: YEAH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW.
GOOD SHOW. HAPPY TUESDAY.
WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW, EVERYBODY. WELCOME, ONE AND ALL...
THANK YOU. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR LOVE, AND FOR LOVING LOVE.
AND FOR THOSE WHO LOVE TO LOVE THOSE WHO LOVE LOVE.
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED THE
"RESPECT FOR MARRIAGE ACT," WHICH GUARANTEES LEGAL
RECOGNITION OF ALL MARRIAGES. THAT IS GREAT NEWS!
AND I HOPE YOU WERE LISTENING, ALAN AND BRAD.
NO MORE EXCUSES! GRANDMA'S NOT GOING TO LIVE
FOREVER. I BOOKED THE DOUBLETREE BY THE
LAKE FOR JUNE 9th. GET A LINEN SUIT.
THIS LAW IS THE CULMINATION OF A HUGE CHANGE IN AMERICAN SOCIETY.
SINCE 2004, SUPPORT FOR SAME-SEX MARRIAGE HAS GONE FROM 42% TO
68%. AND EVEN AMONG REPUBLICANS,
-- THAT NUMBER-- HAS GONE FROM % TO 43%.
SO, PROGRESS. BUT, STILL SLIGHTLY LESS THAN
THE NUMBER OF REPUBLICANS WHO BELIEVE J.F.K. JR. IS GOING TO
RISE FROM THE DEAD TO CREATE AN EVEN BETTER PILLOW.
(APPLAUSE) THE WHITE HOUSE MADE THE SIGNING
A BIG EVENT, WITH DRAG QUEENS IN ATTENDANCE ON THE SOUTH LAWN.
THAT'S HOW WE SHOULD CELEBRATE EVERY NEW PIECE OF LEGISLATION.
"HERE TO COMMEMORATE THE PASSAGE OF EFFICIENCY STANDARDS FOR
MANUFACTURED HOMES, PLEASE WELCOME TRIXIE MATTEL!"
"YOUR HVAC SYSTEM'S GOING TO WERK!"
HE INSULATED WERK, CHANGE THOSE FILTERS WERK, WERK!
WE'RE WE'RE LEARNING MORE INSIDE
DETAILS ABOUT WHAT WENT ON IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE JANUARY 6th
ATTACK, COURTESY OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
MARK MEADOWS, SEEN HERE SCARING THE GIRL FROM "THE RING" BACK
INTO THE TV. MEADOWS WAS FORCED TO HAND OVER
HIS JANUARY 6th TEXT MESSAGES TO THE HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE,
AND LAST NIGHT, THE WEBSITE TALKING POINTS MEMO ANNOUNCED
THAT IT HAD OBTAINED A BUNCH OF THEM, SHOWING THAT MEADOWS
EXCHANGED TEXTS WITH 34 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ABOUT PLANS TO
OVERTURN THE 2020 ELECTION. THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
34 PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO MARK MEADOWS?
THE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS THESE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, ALL
MEMBERS OF CONGRESS COMMUNICATING WITH MEADOWS
WERE-- AND IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO EDITORIALIZE--
STUPID, EVIL TRAITORS WHO WERE TRYING TO DO CRIMES AGAINST
DEMOCRACY, FOR WHICH THEY SHOULD BE PUNISHED WITH DECADES
OF JAIL TIME. IS
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ONE OF THE WORST OF THE BADS IS
SOUTH CAROLINA REPRESENTATIVE RALPH NORMAN--
BREAKER-BREAKER, 10-4 BACK DOOR, WHAT'S YOUR 10-20, CATCH YOU ON
THE FLIP. HE WROTE TO MEADOWS, "MARK,
WE ARE AT A POINT OF NO RETURN IN SAVING OUR REPUBLIC!
OUR LAST HOPE IS INVOKING MARSHALL LAW!"
OKAY, INVOKING MARTIAL LAW MEANS THIS CONGRESSMAN WAS CALLING FOR
MILITARY INVOLVEMENT IN A COUP. AGAIN, PUT HIM IN JAIL.
ALSO, PUT HIM THROUGH SPELL-CHECK, BECAUSE IT'S
"MARTIAL LAW," WITH A "T." "MARSHALL LAW" IS THE NEW CBS
LEGAL DRAMA STARRING EMINEM AS JUDGE MARSHALL.
MATHERS. WHICH REMINDS ME, WATCH
"MARSHALL LAW" ON CBS, SATURDAYS, AT 1:45.
RIGHT AFTER ALL-NEW EPISODES OF "THE ENFORCENATOR."
NORMAN ALSO CALLED OUT ANYONE UNWILLING TO OVERTURN THE
RESULTS, TEXTING, "JUST RESULTS, TEXTING, "JUST
BECAUSE THE BIASED MEDIA HAS CALL THE ELECTION?"
HE RIGHT. I CAN'T BELIEVE BIAS MEDIA
CALL THE ELECTION JUST BECAUSE VOTE WERE COUNT!
THEN THERE'S THIS HELPFUL TEXT FROM ARIZONA REPRESENTATIVE PAUL
GOSAR: "CALL ME, I HAVE SOME FIREWORKS COMING OUT OF ARIZONA
EARLY TOMORROW. CALL ME ANYTIME, I'M UP."
"I'M UP?" I KNOW ARIZONA IS A DESERT, BUT
THIS GUY IS THIRSTY. SPEAKING OF CRIMINALS, IT'S
BEEN A ROUGH FEW WEEKS FOR CRYPTO EXCHANGE FOUNDER AND
MAN WHO TOLD HIS BARBER, "GIVE ME THE SHOWER DRAIN"...
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED. BANKMAN-FRIED WAS THE C.E.O. OF
CRYPTO-EXCHANGE FTX, WHICH RECENTLY WENT BELLY-UP AND COST
INVESTORS $1.8 BILLION. WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO,
WHEN YOU CAN'T TRUST THE GUY SELLING IMAGINARY COMPUTER COINS
WHOSE NAME IS ALMOST EXACTLY "BANK MAN FRAUD"?
WHAT NEXT? WHAT IS NEXT.
TALK TO ME IT WHAT'S NEXT. DON'T GET YOUR ANNUAL CHECK-UP
FROM DR. GUY DETH-KAUSER? YESTERDAY, BANKMAN-FRIED WAS
ARRESTED IN THE BAHAMAS. TODAY, PROSECUTORS UNSEALED AN
EIGHT-CHARGE INDICTMENT, RANGING FROM WIRE FRAUD, TO MONEY
LAUNDERING, TO CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT FRAUD ON THE UNITED
STATES, WHICH MEANS HE COULD FACE UP TO 115 YEARS IN PRISON.
BECAUSE THIS ALLEGEDLY GUILTY GUY IS ALLEGEDLY VERY GUILTY.
ALLEGEDLY. HOW ALLEGEDLY?
GILLEE IS HE ALLEGEDLY? TURNS OUT, FTX'S INNER CIRCLE
HAD A SECRET CHAT GROUP CALLED "WIREFRAUD."
(LAUGHTER). >> Stephen: OKAY,
THAT'S A WEIRD CONFESSION. THAT'S LIKE GETTING A BUMPER
STICKER THAT SAYS, "PROUD PARENT OF AN HONOR STUDENT, AND I'M AN
ARSONIST." SPEAKING OF FRAUD, THERE'S A
NEW SCHEME FROM FORMER PRESIDENT THE WHITE SCROTUS.
REPORTEDLY, HE'S GOING TO RELEASE A "BOOK OF LETTERS" NEXT
YEAR. FIRST, OF COURSE, HE'LL HAVE TO
LEARN ALL 26. >> NICE, NICE.
(APPLAUSE) "'A' IS FOR AMERICA--
I MADE IT GREAT AGAIN. 'B IS FOR BOOBIES--
WHICH WERE ALWAYS PRETTY GREAT. 'C' IS FOR KING--
I LOVE HIS BURGERS." >> WOW, HOW THEY TASTE.
>> Stephen: HAVEN'T DOON THAT IN A PEW YEARS.
ACTUALLY, THE BOOK WILL CONTAIN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S PRIVATE
CORRESPONDENCE WITH PAST AND PRESENT CELEBRITIES AND
INTERNATIONAL ICONS. WOW.
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S MEMOIR WAS OVER 750 PAGES, SINGLE-SPACED,
AND THAT WAS PART ONE. THIS GUY'S PUBLISHING BIRTHDAY
CARDS FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE SIGNED BY THEIR INTERNS.
IT'S THE LAZIEST PRESIDENTIAL BOOK SINCE EISENHOWER'S
"ALL MY CVS RECEIPTS." ALLEGEDLY, THE BOOK WILL INCLUDE
CORRESPONDENCE WITH ELTON JOHN, PRINCESS DIANA, AND MICHAEL
JACKSON. IT'S GOING TO BE FASCINATING TO
SEE HOW THESE ICONS, EACH IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY, SAY,
"I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON 'CELEBRITY APPRENTICE'."
THERE'S ANOTHER SMALL STORY TODAY-- ALL OF OUR ENERGY
PROBLEMS MAY BE OVER. BECAUSE TODAY, THE U.S.
ANNOUNCED A MAJOR NUCLEAR FUSION BREAKTHROUGH THAT COULD HELP
HARNESS THE SUN'S POWER. HA-HA!
SCREW YOU, SUN! WE DON'T NEED YOU ANY MORE, OLD
MAN! PACK YOUR SUNGLASSES, AND QUIT
LURKING AROUND THE CORNER OF OUR KIDS' DRAWINGS!
IT'S CREEPY! HERE'S THE BREAKTHROUGH.
SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GENERATE POWER USING NUCLEAR
FUSION FOR ABOUT 70 YEARS. AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THEY HAVE CREATED A REACTOR THAT GENERATED MORE POWER THAN IT
CONSUMED. IT'S A HANUKKAH MIRACLE!
AND... I'M BEING TOLD IT'S ACTUALLY SCIENCE.
HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN. SCIENTISTS CREATED THIS FUSION
ENERGY BY SMASHING ATOMS TOGETHER AT INCREDIBLY
HIGH SPEEDS, USING 192 LASERS, AS NPR EXPLAINED.
>> THIS IS VERY EXCITING! HOW DID THEY DO THIS?
>> WITH LASERS. IT'S LIKE THE--
>> LASERS! >> CLASSIC SCIENCE.
PEW-PEW-PEW! >> Stephen: THAT CLEARS THAT UP.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS WORDS OF ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL.
>> MR. WATSON, COME HERE. IT'S LIKE
RING-A-DING-A-DING-DONG, HELLOOO?
THEY HAD THE FORE THOUGHT TO RECORD THAT, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A BIG DEAL. FUSION COULD BE AN INFINITE
SOURCE OF CLEAN ENERGY, THAT COULD HELP END DEPENDENCE ON
FOSSIL FUELS. HOT DOG, GLOBAL WARMING IS OVER!
GOOD NEWS, FLORIDA! YOU'RE SAVED.
BAD NEWS, AMERICA-- WE SAVED FLORIDA.
ONLY ONE SMALL PROBLEM... FUSION WILL NOT CONTRIBUTE
MEANINGFULY TO STOPPING CLIMATE CHANGE IN THE NEXT 20-30 YEARS.
HERE'S WHY. ACCORDING TO A EXPERT IN THE
U.K., THE CURRENT FUSION SETUP CAN ONLY PRODUCE ENOUGH ENERGY
TO BOIL ABOUT TEN KETTLES OF WATER.
THAT IS THE MOST BRITISH WAY TO MEASURE ANYTHING.
(/ BRITISH/ ) BOIL TEN KETTLES, COOK FIVE
SHEPARD'S PIES, OR ROAST ONE PADDINGON BEAR."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS RuPAUL. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE
DEBUT OF OUR ANNUAL "LATE SHOW" HOLIDAY CARTOON.
>> Stephen: >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS KALT CATO. WELCOME BACK.
WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RUPAUL WILL BE OUT TO
SPEND SOME HOLIDAY CHEER BUT UNTIL THEN IT'S THE HOLIDAYS
WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS:
"THE LATE SHOW" CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
EVERY YEAR, WE FOLLOW THE ADVENTURES OF SANTA AS HE TRIES
TO BRING PRESENTS TO ALL THE GOOD LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS, AND
FIGHTS THE ENEMIES OF JOY. THIS YEAR, SANTA BROUGHT US A
CHRISTMAS PRESENT EARLY: A CARTOON CALLED "A VERY COLD
WAR CHRISTMAS." ENJOY!
>> LOOK ALIVE, ELVES! T-MINUS TWO HOURS 'TIL TINSEL
TIME! DEPARTMENTS HEADS,
STATUS REPORT! MUFFIN, WHAT'S THE HOT PRESENT
THIS YEAR? >> THANKS TO THE SUPREME COURT,
IT'S TICKLE-ME I.U.D.s! >> LICK THIS, SAM ALITO!
>> GUMDROP, DID YOU GET ENOUGH GAS FOR THE SLEIGH?
>> SURE DID, SANTA! HAD TO SELL ALL MY CLOTHES, BUT
SHE'S READY TO GO! >> WOW, THIS ECONOMY'S ROUGH.
BUMBLE LOST EVERYTHING IN CRYPTO.
>> MATT DAMON LIE! FORTUNE NO FAVOR BUMBLE!
>> OH, WELL, LET'S LOAD UP THE SLEIGH!
JINGLE, ANY LAST-MINUTE LETTERS BEFORE WE TAKE OFF?
>> JUST A FEW! >> "DEAR SANTA, I FORGOT TO TELL
YOU THAT I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE THE ELVES AND REINDEER, TOO."
>> AWWW! >> AWWW!
>> THIS IS WHAT MAKES IT ALL
WORTHWHILE! IN THE END, TO LOVE AND BELIEVE
IS ALL WE NEED ON CHRISTMAS EVE. OOH, THAT'S GOOD!
PUT THAT ON A MUG, LENNY! >> RIGHT AWAY, SIR!
>> ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE, THEN WE FLY.
(PUTIN) >> "DEAR BIG FAT COCA-COLA
MAN"... >> WHA-- ?
(PUTIN) >> I WANT UKRAINE FOR CHRISTMAS.
THEY WILL NOT GIVE. YOU WILL GIVE.
>> WHAT? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
COOKIE, SEND THIS TO THE HOLLY JOLLY HAGUE.
WHAT A BORSCHT-HOLE. NXT LETTER!
(PUTIN) >> I HEARD THAT.
>> UH-OH. (PUTIN)
>> YOU DID NOT GIVE UKRAINE. NOW I ANNEX NORTH POLE.
>> SANTA, COME QUICK! WE'RE ALL OVER CNN!
>> BREAKING NEWS-- IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT
LIKE CRISIS. I'M HERE IN RED SQUARE, WHERE
VLADIMIR PUTIN IS CALLING FOR THE DE-NAUGHTY-FICATION OF THE
NORTH POLE. >> COMRADES, JUST LIKE UKRAINE,
NORTH POLE HAS ALWAYS BEEN PART OF RUSSIA.
TODAY, WE TAKE IT BACK! (SILENCE)
CHEER! >> YAY.
MOMENT, PLEASE WELCOME RUSSIA'S
HOTTEST BOY BAND: PILE OF TURNIPS.
(BOY BAND MUSIC) (LIGHT SHOW)
I LIKE THE CUTE ONE. AND NOW, THE MOMENT I'VE ALL
BEEN WAITING FOR: LAUNCH SPECIAL CHRIS-MILITARY
OPERATION! >> MORE NEWS BREAKING BY AN OPEN
FIRE-- RUSSIAN FORCES HAVE CROSSED THE DE-MISTLETOE ZONE.
SO FAR, SOVIET-ERA WEAPONS PROVING NO MATCH FOR SANTA'S
GINGERBREAD INFANTRY. >> AH!
THE COOKIES ARE TOO STRONG FOR RUSSIAN TANK!
>> BUT, WILL THEY BE ABLE TO HOLD OUT AGAINST PUTIN'S ARMY OF
MERCENARY SNOW BEASTS AND GUERRILLA GUE-RINCHES?
>> DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF CONGRESS... AND THE OTHER ONES.
>> SUCK MY CHESTNUTS, SANTA. >> CHRISTMAS IS A SEASON OF
GIVING. BUT THIS YEAR, ONE MAN IS
HELL-BENT ON TAKING. AND SO, SANTA MUST ASK YOU FOR A
GIFT THIS CHRISTMAS. THE PRESENT EVERY GOOD LITTLE
BOY AND GIRL DREAMS OF: $17.6 BILLION IN SECURITY
ASSISTANCE. >> THAT WAS SANTA'S PITIFUL
ADDRESS TO CONGRESS EARLIER TODAY.
NO SURPRISE, THE MAN WHO BUILT HIS REPUTATION BREAKING INTO OUR
HOMES, NOW ASKING TO BREAK INTO OUR POCKETBOOKS.
HERE TO AGREE WITH ME: MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
>> I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE, TUCKER!
IN FACT, I HEARD ON AN INTERNET POST THAT I WROTE THAT SANTA IS
A NAZI! >> A NAZI?
I'M HALF-JEWISH! WHY DO YOU THINK I WORK ON
CHRISTMAS? >> SANTA!
THEIR FORCES ARE MULTIPLYING! >> SANTA, ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO
SEND HELP? >> I'M AFRAID THAT MUCH LIKE
SAINT KEVIN McALLISTER, WE'RE HOME ALONE.
>> HEY, SANTA! (TRAIN WHISTLE)
CHOO-CHOO, MOTHER-(BLEEP)! >> HOLY MALARKEY, THE
PRESIDENT'S COME WITH AID! >> YOU BET YOUR GIFT WRAP, JACK,
THE CAVALRY'S HERE-- >> GASP!
>> I'M OKAY! I'M OKAY!
I HEARD SOMEONE HERE MADE A CHRISTMAS WISH FOR HELP FIGHTIN'
OFF THE SPARTANS. THE PRUSSIANS?
THE RUSSIANS! >> HOW OLD IS HE?
>> HE'S BEEN THIS WAY SINCE WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> TO THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS ROOM, LET'S GO!
YOU ADORABLE LITTLE CREATURES ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MOST
ELITE STEALTH FORCE ON EARTH. YOU CAN HIT EVERY HOUSE IN ONE
NIGHT, AND NEVER SHOW UP ON RADAR.
WELL, TODAY, WE'VE GOT A PAYLOAD TO DELIVER TO THE DEADLIEST
CHIMNEY OF ALL: >> PLUM PUDDING!
>> THE KREMLIN. >> THAT'S RIGHT, JACK FROST.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THIS FIGHT TO VLAD'S BACKYARD.
NOW, LET'S GO GET BIN LADEN! I MEAN, GILGAMESH!
I MEAN, PUTIN! >> ALL RIGHT, ELVES, LET'S FLY!
HIT IT, KENNY YULE LOGGINS! (SANTA CRACKS REINS)
(IGNITION SWITCH) ("HIGHWAY TO THE MANGER ZONE")
>> SLEIGH SQUADRON, CALL SIGNS! NICEMAN, STANDING BY.
>> RED NOSE, STANDING BY. >> CHRISTMAS GOOSE, STANDING BY.
>> NUTCRACKER, STANDING BY! >> COLD CRANBERRIES, STANDING
BY! >> LET'S GO DECK SOME SKULLS!
>> DANCE, MY TUCK-OOSHKA! DANCE, MY TUCK-OOSHKA!
>> THE LIBERAL MEDIA WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE I'M DANCING FOR
VLADIMIR PUTIN, BUT THERE'S NOTHING FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
>> NOW, FOR BIG FINALE: GLORIOUS VICTORY OVER SANTA WITH
NUCLEAR MISSILE-LIGHTING CEREMONY!
>> WE'VE GOT A CREATURE STIRRING!
TALK TO ME, RUDOLPH! >> "NOSE SO BRIGHT" ENGAGED.
NEED SOME COVER! >> LET'S BASTE THIS TURKEY!
>> GOT HIM! YOU WANT TO LAUGH AND CALL ME
NAMES NOW, ROOSKIE? EAT A BAG OF (BLEEP)!
TAKE IT EASY RED NOSE.
GET ME INTO POSITION. I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS
(BLEEP). SUCK IT, PUTIN!
>> NOW, GET READY TO POUT, GET READY TO CRY, GET READY TO
SHOUT, I'M TELLING YOU WHY: SANTA CLAUS IS GOING TO DIE.
>> NOOO! >> NOOO!
>> I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO
RESPOND TO YOUR LETTER, VLADIMIR.
IT'S A NO! NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE UKRAINE FOR
CHRISTMAS, AND NO, YOU WON'T BE TAKING THE NORTH POLE EITHER.
>> KRINGLE! LOOKS LIKE WE FINISH THIS
MONO-A-ELF-O. CHECK THESE OUT:
WOP-BOP-A-LOO-BOP, BA-LOP-BAM-BOO.
YOU LIKE THE BOO-BOOS? >> AHHH!
AHHHH! AHHH!
>> COME GET SOME FIGGY PUDDING. >> DRONE HIM!
(EXPLOSION) >> SANTA!
>> AND TO ALL OF YOU, FROM ALL OF ME...
A GOOD NIGHT! >> HO...
HO... HO!
>> NO... NO! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?
>> I'M MADE OF CHILDREN'S DREAMS, BE-YOTCH!
(CHEERS) AND WAY TOO MANY CHILDREN THIS
YEAR HAD ONLY ONE DREAM: TO SURVIVE YOUR SELFISH WAR.
>> WE LOVE YOU, SANTA! >> WE LOVE YOU, SANTA!
>> LOVE YOU, TOO, KIDS! WELL, VLAD, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
MAKE SOME DREAMS COME TRUE? YULE TEAM-- DROP THE PAYLOAD.
>> HA! YOUR LITTLE ELF WEAPONS WILL
NEVER DEFEAT ME! HA-HA-HA!
>> I DON'T NEED WEAPONS TO DEFEAT YOU.
>> READY STRIKE... >> LET'S GIVE IT TO 'EM!
MY FRIENDS, IN UKRAINE, HERE IN
RUSSIA AND ALL AND THE WORLD, SANTA CLAUS IS STILL
COMING TO TOWN! (CHEERS)
AND SO, LET US REMEMBER THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.
YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM JOLLY OLD ST. NICK:
BE KIND! GIVE!
JUST DON'T BE A (BLEEP). LENNY, PUT THAT ON A MUG AS
WELL. AND SPEAKING OF (BLEEP)--
VLADIMIR, I EVEN GOT A GIFT FOR EVERYONE TO SHARE WITH YOU.
IS POTATO. LET HIM HAVE IT!
>> NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR!
>> NOW, IT'S CHRISTMAS! LET'S GO DELIVER SOME MORE
PRESENTS! >> BUT, SANTA!
WE'LL NEVER MAKE ROUND THE WORLD IN TIME IN THE SLEIGH!
>> WHO NEEDS A SLEIGH? YEE-HAW!
OOPS! THINK I HIT ANOTHER SQUIRREL.
AH, WELL, LET'S GO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
GRAB YOUR SACK AND GET IN, JACK! >> IT'S KRIS.
MERRY CHRISTMASTO ALL, AND TO ALL, SLAVA UKRAINE!
>> AND SUCK IT, SATAN! I MEAN, SKELETOR.
I MEAN, PUTIN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU-- >> Stephen: IF YOU WANT TO HELP
FEED THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE, SCAN THE QR CODE, GO TO THE
WEBSITE, AND BUY YOUR OFFICIAL "LATE SHOW" "IS POTATO" T-SHIRT
AND MUG. ALL "LATE SHOW" PROCEEDS GO TO
WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN TO HELP FEED THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RuPAUL. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT SHOT, THAT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT WAS THAT, BACK THERE. >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK. MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, YOU LUCKY PEOPLE, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A 12-TIME
EMMY AWARD-WINNER, A POP CULTURE ICON, AND THE QUEEN OF DRAG.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," RuPAUL.
>> HELLO, HI.
>> THAT'S SO SWEET. THAT'S LOVELY.
HELLO. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
VERY SWEET, MERRY CHRISTMAS. >> Stephen:ER INY CHRISTMAS.
>> I LIKE TO SAYS CHRISSY KISS MASS, KISSY COUNTRIESMAS,
AMERICA. ISN'T IT FUN TO SAY PRICEY
KISSMASS. >> Stephen: I WILL TAKE YOUR
WORD FOR T I AM OBSESSED WITH PRICEY KISSMASS AND WHILE OU'RE
ASKING, I'M ALSO OBSESSED. >> Stephen: WHAT ELSE ARE YOU
OBSESSED WITH, RUPAUL. >> WITH THE WORD MEXICONTESMENT,
IT IS A WORD I READ ON SUNSET BLSTLED.
>> Stephen: A MEX CAN. >> HOW GENIUS IS THAT.
MEXICAN. >> Stephen: I LIKE THE MIXTURE
OF MISSISSIPPI AND MASSACHUSETTS.
>> IS MISSI SIPI CHUSSINESS I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
I COULD NEVER SAY MASSACHUSETTS I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SAY IT
>> YOU CANS YOU ARE DOING A CHEW SETS.
>> Jon: MASSACHUSETTS. >> MASSACHUSETTS, DID I DO IT?
YEAH, I'M NOT SURE THOUGH STILL. I'VE ALWAYS HAD PROBLEM WITH
THAT. >> Stephen: THERE ARE VERY FEW
REASONS TO SAY THAT STATE'S NAME UNLESS YOU ARE.
THERE UNLESS ARE YOU. THERE.
>> YES, UNLESS WE ARE. THERE WELL, LISTEN, I WILL TELL
YOU WHERE ARE YOU MY FRIEND. >> WHERE'S THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE COMING UP, SEASON 15.
>> SEASON 15 OF OUR SHOW, DRAG RACE.
>> Stephen: 2009-2022, SP YEARS, 15 SEASONS.
>> AMAZING. >> Stephen: CON-DRAGULA TIRKS
ONS THAT IS LOVELY. >> THAT IS SORT OF A
REINTERPOTATION. >> Jon: IT IS CONGRATULATIONS.
>> BUT WE SAY CON KZ DRAGULATIONS, STEFEN.
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY YOU ANNOUNCED A SPINOFF.
>> DID I? >> Stephen: YOU DID, IT SAYS
HERE DRAG RACE GLOBAL ALL-STARS. >> OH HONEY, YES, CHILD, WE ARE
TAKING OVER THE WORLD. >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO
SHOOT AROUND THE WORLD BECAUSE NOT EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD IS
AS WELCOMING TO DRAG SHOWS AS THE UNITED STATES IS.
>> THEY'RE NOT? >> Stephen: SOME AREN'T, I
HATE TO TELL YOU. >> WE, I DO DOWN UNDER AND DO I
THE U.K. AND I DO THE U.S. BUT THE OTHERS ARE, YOU KNOW, OTHER
PEOPLE DO-- . >> Stephen: HOUROUSES.
>> Stephen: OKAY. >> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT LIKE DOING THE SHOW DOWN UNDER.
>> IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE STUDIO IS SO SMALL T IS LIKE
SOMEONE'S GARAGE THAT WE DO IT IN.
MY DRESSING ROOM F THIS WERE THE STAGE, MY DRESSING ROOM WOULD BE
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL RIGHT THERE IT IS SO TINY BUT IT
IS SO FUN. BECAUSE PEOPLE IN THAT PART OF
THE WORLD, I'M MARRIED TO AN AUSTRALIAN.
AND THEY ARE SO FUNNY AND SO FUN.
SO I LOVE GOING DOWN THERE. WE ACTUALLY SHOOT IT IN NEW
ZEALAND. WE DON'T GO TO-- .
>> Stephen: SO IT IS OFFICIALLY, WAIT SO IT IS DOWN
UNDER, ARE THERE KI-W-I DRAG ARTIST THERE TOO.
>> YES. >> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW
WHETHER YOU WERE CHEATING AND GOING TO GIANT AUSTRALIA AS I
CALL NEW ZEALAND. >> ST STILL DOWN UNDER.
>> Stephen: AND A LITTLE OVER. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU WELLINGTON, AUCKLAND.
>> WE ARE IN AUCKLAND AND WHICH WILL BE BACK THERE NEXT YEAR FOR
THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME. I'VE LOST TRACK OF ALL TIME,
HONESTLY. I JUST HAVE NO IDEA.
>> Stephen: THEY ARE LOVELY PEOPLE.
>> HE HAD ARE SO MUCH FUN AND IT IS SO GORGEOUS DOWN THERE, SO
MUCH FUN DOWN THERE, ITS HE'S GREAT.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A TRADITION WHEN YOU ASK THE
FINALISTS ON DRAG RACE TO ADDRESS A YOUNGER PHOTO OF
YOURSELF. WE DID RESEARCH AND WE FOUND A
LOVELY PHOTO HERE OF A LITTLE RUPAUL ANDRE CHARLES.
>> YES. >> Stephen: AND SO WHAT WOULD
YOU WANT TO SAY TO THIS YOUNG GENTLEMEN RIGHT HERE, WHAT WOULD
YOU WANT HIM TO KNOW. >> OKAY.
LITTLE ARE YOU ARE YOU, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE
THAT YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW AND THAT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOUR
FUTURE. INVEST IN LASER SURGERY.
REMOVE ALL YOUR HAIR. IT WILL COME IN HANDY ONE DAY,
TRUST ME. >> Stephen: BECAUSE AT A
CERTAIN POINT IT IS TOO LATE OR JUST SAVING YEARS OF WAXING.
>> YEARS OF WAXING, I HAD ELECTROLYSIS ALL OF OVER MY FACE
BUT KEPT MY GOATEE. >> Stephen: WHY DID YOU KEEP
IT. >> BECAUSE I'M STILL A MAN, YOU
KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING, I'M STILL A DUDE, YOU KNOW, BUT I THOUGHT
I'M GOING TO NEED T NEVER NEEDED IT.
>> Stephen: IT IS TOO LATE, CAN'T YOU USE LASER NOW.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED I'M SO OLD THAT ALL OF THIS HAIR IS NOW
WHITE. AND YOU CAN'T LASER THE HAIR
THAT IS WHITE. DID YOU NO HE THAT.
>> Stephen: NO. >> IT HAS TO BE BLACK, THE HAIR
HAS TO BE BLACK. >> Stephen: IT REFLECTS OFF.
>> I DON'T KNOW-- WE'LL HAVE TO ASK NASA ABOUT THAT.
IT HAS TO BE BLACK HAIR FOR IT TO LASER.
SO LITTLE ARE YOU ARE YOU, GET THE HAIR LASERRED OFF YOUR FACE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THAT IS SOUND ADVICE.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
RUPAUL, EVERYBODY. STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: SHAY, CHECKING OUT THE WARDROBE OVER HERE.
WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF "RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE," RuPAUL.
NOW YOUR HOSTING DUTIES DON'T STOP THERE WITH THE RAG DRAG
RACE, WHAT IS THE U.K. VERSION CALLED.
>> IT IS CALLED THE U.K. VERSION.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, KEPT IT SIMPLE.
>> KEPT IT SIMPLE, YES. >> Stephen: AND ARE YOU
HOSTING A GAME SHOW, A NEW GAME SHOW CALLED LINGO, HERE ON CBS.
>> ON CBS. I'M FINALLY ON CBS.
>> Stephen: YOU WEREN'T ON CBS BEFORE.
>> LISTEN, I WAS ALWAYS A DISTANT COULD YOU SIFN THE CBS
FAMILY BECAUSE ST VIACOMCBS SO I AM A DISTANT SORT OF HALF COULD
YOUSIN. BUT NOW I'M A FIRST COUSIN.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE NETWORK.
SO WHAT IS LINGO. I LIKE GAME SHOWS.
>> IT IS FABULOUS. IT COMES OUT JANUARY 11th ON
CBS AT NIGHT TIME IT IS A PRIME TIME SHOW, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. >> AND IT IS A WORD GAME SHOW.
IT'S NOT UNLIKE THAT OTHER WORD GAME THAT IS IN THE PAPERS ALL
THE TIME THAT I PLAY EVERY DAY. >> Stephen: WORDLE.
>> O OH E YOU ARE GOING TO SEE IT.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE LAWYERS WAITING BACKSTAGE.
>> I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO CONFUSE, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE,
BECAUSE LINGO IS THE ORIGINAL WORD GAME.
AND. >> Stephen: IT EXISTED BEFORE.
>> YES, SIR. >> Stephen: WOW.
>> IT CERTAINLY DID. >> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE WE
NEED TO GET SOME LAWYERS. >> YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY, I DON'T
WANT PEOPLE TO GET CONFUSED. >> Stephen: IT THEY WON'T BE
CONFUSED BECAUSE WORD EARTH IS NOT HOSTED BY RUPAUL STRKS
HOSTED BY THE OLD GRAY LADY, NEW YORK THYME TIMES.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF GAME
SHOW HOST ARE YOU GOING TO BE, FUN, MEAN, TASK MASTER.
>> OH NO, NO, NO. THERE IS NO MEANNESS HERE.
WE ONLY-- YOU KNOW WHAT IS FUNNY, WELL, I WILL LET YOU BE
THE JUDGE OF THAT. I CAN'T TAKE MEANNESS ANY MORE.
AFTER THE PAST FIVE YEARS, IT'S LIKE THERE IS A MOVE
YEAROR-- MOVIE OR SOMETHING ON TRVETION WHERE THEY ARE STARTING
TO BE MEAN, HAVE I TO LOOK AWAY. I ONLY CAN DO LOVELY, KIND SWEET
THINGS IT. >> Stephen: I CAN DIG T I CAN
DIG IT. >> THAT IS HOW LITTLE ARE YOU
ARE YOU ROLLS. LITTLE RURU CAN'T TAKE NO MEAN
FOLKS SO ON LINGO, I'M LOVELY, I'M SWEET, I'M DIRECTING
AND IT IS A FABULOUS SHOW. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE
ANOTHER LITTLE BREAK HERE BUT PLEASE DO NOT GO AWAY, YOU
EITHER, PLEASE. WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE
RUPAUL,-- Y'ALL. STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WE'RE BACK HERE ABOUT THE HOST
OF RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE AND WHAT IS THE OTHER SHOW CALLED.
>> LINGO ON CBS. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
RUPAUL, I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT ANOTHER MILESTONE WE ARE COMING
UP, THIS IS THE 30th ANNIVERSARY THIS YEAR OF YOUR
BREAKOUT HIT SUPERMODEL, YOU BETTER WERK.
>> 30 YEARS. >> Stephen: 30 YEARS.
30 YEARS. FIRST OF ALL, WHAT WAS THAT
MOMENT LIKE 30 YEARS AGO. BECAUSE IT IS AN ICONIC, I MAID
A REFERENCE TO IT IN THE MONOLOGUE HAVING NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE FACT THAT YOU WERE HERE TONIGHT.
THOSE WERE JUST PARALLEL EVOLUTIONS.
WHAT IS IT LIKE WHEN YOU BREAK THROUGH LIKE THAT AND SUDDENLY
BECOME A TOUCHSTONE, A BUY WORD? >> LISTEN, ALL SERIOUSLY, IT IS
SO AMAZING. IN FACT, I WAS BACKSTAGE THINK
BEING THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, GROWING UP WATCHING THE
SUPREMES. IN THE VERY THEATER.
AND IT IS SO AMAZING TO HAVE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE LIKE THIS.
AND YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID, MY MOTHER-- SAID, SHE SAID YOU
KNOW, MY MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS PREG NAPT WITH ME, SHE WENT TO A
PSYCHIC WHO TOLD HER, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BOY AND HE'S
GOING TO BE FAMOUSMENT AND I HAD NO IDEA HOW I WAS GOING TO MAKE
THAT HAPPEN. I DIDN'T FLOW I WAS GOING TO BE
IN DRAG. I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THAT.
I JUST KNEW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
AND TO HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFETIME WITH SCO
WHERE SO MANY THINGS CAN GO WRONG, IT'S AMAZING.
AND THIS, THIS CAME OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY, NOVEMBER 17th,,
1992. AND IT WAS-- I COULDN'T HAVE
PLANNED IT ANY BETTER. >> Stephen: WOW.
I WANT TO POINT SOMETHING OUT. WHEN ARE YOU FULLY IN DRAG, YOU
YOU YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. YOU ARE LIKE, YOU GOT TO SEND ME
A CARD OF YOUR DOCTOR OR SOMETHING.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU LOOK EXACTLY JUST AS GLAMOROUS, DIVA
GLARNLINGS I REALIZE BUT HOW DO YOU STAY SO GLAMOROUS.
>> I DON'T KNOW T IS ALL A SYSTEM OF PULLEYS AND WEIGHTS
AND SMOKE AND MIRRORS. YOU KNOW, I HONESTLY.
>> Stephen: A LOT OF TAPE. >> LOTS OF TAPE.
HERE IS THE THING, WHEN I'M ALL DONE UP AND SEE MYSELF IN THE
MIRROR, I GO WOW, THAT IS ME? EVEN SEEING THAT PICTURE RIGHT
THERE, WOW, THAT'S AMAZING. YOU KNOW, IT IS NOT-- IT IS NOT
LOST ON ME. IT IS AMAZING TO ME TOO.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU THE FIRST DRAG PERFORMER WHO GOT A BIG
COSMETIC DEAL? BECAUSE YOU WERE THE FACE OF MAC
BACK IN THE '90S. >> I WAS THE FIRST MAN TO HAVE A
COSMETIC, YES, I AM A MAN. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A GOATEE.
>> I WAS THE FIRST MANS TO HAVE A COSMETIC CONTRACT AND THAT WAS
THE MAC CAMPAIGN BACK YEARS AGO. AND BUT YES, AND FIRST DRAG,
ABSOLUTELY. AMAZING.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATION ON SEASON A.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. >> THANK YOU, I LOVE ME SOME
STEPHEN COLBERT, HONEY. I LOVE ME SOME STEPHEN COLBERT.
SAICH THAT FOR THE PROMO. >> Stephen: THE 159 SEE SOFN
RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE PREMIERS JANUARY 6th ON M TV AND
LINGO PREMIERS JANUARY 119 ON THE TIFFANY NETWORK CBS.
RUPAUL, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY ED SHEERAN.
>> Stephen: PERFORMING BAD HABITS FROM HIS ALBUM EQUALS,
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, ED SHEERAN.
OOH-OOH OOH-OOH
EVERY TIME YOU COME AROUND YOU KNOW I CAN'T SAY NO
♪ EVERY TIME YOU COME AROUND YOU KNOW I CAN'T SAY NO
♪ EVERY TIME THE SUN GOES DOWN I LET YOU TAKE CONTROL
♪ I CAN FEEL THE PARADISE BEFORE MY WORLD IMPLODES
♪ AND TONIGHT HAD SOMETHING WONDERFUL
♪ MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO LATE NIGHTS ENDIN' ALONE
♪ CONVERSATIONS WITH A STRANGER I BARELY KNOW
♪ SWEARIN' THIS'LL BE THE LAST BUT IT PROBABLY WON'T
♪ I GOT NOTHIN' LEFT TO LOSE OR USE
♪ OR DO MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO
♪ WIDE EYES STARIN' AT SPACE AND I KNOW I LOSE CONTROL
♪ OF THE THINGS THAT I SAY YEAH, I WAS LOOKIN' FOR
♪ A WAY OUT NOW I CAN'T ESCAPE
♪ NOTHIN' HAPPENS AFTER TWO IT'S TRUE
♪ IT'S TRUE MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU
♪ OOH-OOH OOH-OOH
♪ MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU OOH-OOH
♪ OOH-OOH MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU
♪ EVERY PURE INTENTION ENDS WHEN THE GOOD TIMES START
♪ FALLIN' OVER EVERYTHING TO REACH THE FIRST TIME'S SPARK
♪ IT STARTED UNDER NEON LIGHTS AND THEN IT ALL GOT DARK
♪ I ONLY KNOW HOW TO GO TOO FAR
♪ MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO LATE NIGHTS ENDIN' ALONE
♪ CONVERSATIONS WITH A STRANGER I BARELY KNOW
♪ SWEARIN' THIS'LL BE THE LAST BUT IT PROBABLY WON'T
♪ I GOT NOTHIN' LEFT TO LOSE OR USE
♪ OR DO MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO
♪ WIDE EYES STARIN' AT SPACE AND I KNOW I LOSE CONTROL
♪ OF THE THINGS THAT I SAY I WAS LOOKIN' FOR
♪ A WAY OUT NOW I CAN'T ESCAPE
♪ NOTHIN' HAPPENS AFTER TWO IT'S TRUE
♪ IT'S TRUE MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU
♪ OOH-OOH OOH-OOH
♪ MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU OOH-OOH
♪ OOH-OOH WE
♪ TOOK THE LONG WAY 'ROUND AND BURNED
♪ 'TIL THE FUN RAN OUT NOW
♪ MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO LATE NIGHTS ENDIN' ALONE
♪ CONVERSATIONS WITH A STRANGER I BARELY KNOW
♪ SWEARIN' THIS'LL BE THE LAST BUT IT PROBABLY WON'T
♪ I GOT NOTHIN' LEFT TO LOSE OR USE
♪ OR DO MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO
♪ WIDE EYES STARIN' AT SPACE AND I KNOW I LOSE CONTROL
♪ OF THE THINGS THAT I SAY YEAH, I WAS LOOKIN' FOR
♪ A WAY OUT NOW I CAN'T ESCAPE
♪ NOTHIN' HAPPENS AFTER TWO IT'S TRUE
♪ IT'S TRUE MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU
♪ OOH-OOH OOH-OOH
♪ MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU OOH-OOH
♪ OOH-OOH MY BAD HABITS LEAD TO YOU ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: EDS SHEERAN, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOOD NIGHT.