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♪ ♪ ♪
>> KEVIN McCARTHY IS EXPECTED
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TO LOSE THIS FIRST ROUND OF
BALLOTS.
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>> BY RULE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO
GO IMMEDIATELY TO ANOTHER VOTE.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> A SECOND VOTE WAS REQUIRED.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> AND THE THIRD VOTE, HE LOSES
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ANOTHER ONE.
>> ANOTHER ONE.
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>> HOUSE MAKERS YESTERDAY TRIED
FOR A FOURTH.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> FIFTH.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> AND SIXTH TIME.
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>> I AIN'T NEVER GOING TO STOP.
>> SEVENTH.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> AN EIGHTH VOTE NOW UNDER WAY.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> THE NINTH VOTE.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> THE TENTH VOTE.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> THE 11TH TIME.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> 12TH ROUND.
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>> AND ANOTHER ONE.
>> 13.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> 14.
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> THEY'RE HEADED TO--
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>> ANOTHER ONE.
>> MCCARTHY FINALLY LOCKING UP
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THE HOUSE SPEAKERSHIP.
>> THE CONCESSIONS TO THE RIGHT
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THAT LED TO HIS VICTORY COULD
LEAVE HIM THE WEAKEST SPEAKER IN
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MODERN HISTORY.
>> CONGRATULATIONS, YOU PLAYED
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YOURSELF.
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>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
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TONIGHT:
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PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
TOM HANKS
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AND MUSICAL GUEST RACHAEL &
VILRAY
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FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND.
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AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
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CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE PLACE.
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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE PLACE.
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HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY MONDAY,
BABY.
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HAPPY MONDAY, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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YOU'RE VERY KIND.
WELCOME,s WELCOME, ONE AND
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ALL, DOWN HERE, UP THERE, OUT
THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
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WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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WE HAD A LITTLE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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WITH KEVIN McCARTHY BEING
DRAGGED BY A TEAM OF HORSES
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THROUGH A FIELD FILLED WITH
BROKEN GLASS, BUT ALL GOOD
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THINGS MUST COME TO AN END.
BECAUSE, ON THE 15th VOTE, KEVIN
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McCARTHY WAS FINALLY ELECTED
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE.
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THAT FINAL VOTE WAS NOT COMPLETE
UNTIL 12:29 A.M. ON SATURDAY
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MORNING.
A TIME FAMOUS FOR GOOD
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DECISIONS.
"WE JUST ELECTED A SPEAKER.
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I'M GONNA DRUNK DIAL MY EX AND
EAT THIS WEEK-OLD SUSHI."
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IT ALL CAME DOWN TO THE VOTE OF
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MIDDLE
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SCHOOLER GOING IN FOR HIS FIRST
KISS, MATT GAETZ.
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( LAUGHTER )
>> Louis: OH, GOD.
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>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT
TIMING.
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THAT WAS NICE.
McCARTHY THOUGHT HE HAD IT IN
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THE BAG, BUT IN ORDER TO WIN, HE
NEEDED GAETZ TO VOTE FOR HIM.
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INSTEAD, AT THE VERY END OF THE
14th BALLOT, GAETZ VOTED
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"PRESENT."
THAT MUST HAVE UPSET A LOT OF
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PEOPLE, BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING
WORSE THAN BEING REMINDED THAT
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MATT GAETZ IS IN THE ROOM.
( LAUGHTER )
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AFTER THAT, ALL PLUE PERFECT
HELL BROKE LOOSE.
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A FURIOUS McCARTHY GOT OUT OF
HIS SEAT, WALKED UP THE AISLE,
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AND GOT INTO A YELLING MATCH
WITH GAETZ.
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MEEOOWTCH!
GET A SAUCER OF MILK.
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YOU CAN CATCH ALL THE DRAMA ON
THE NEW BRAVO HIT: "THE REAL
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HOUSE GUYS OF D.C."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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NO!
"I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
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BECAUSE I'M KEVIN McCARTHY, AND
NO ONE WILL BE MY FRIEND."
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THEN, IT GOT EVEN DRAMATIC-ER,
WHEN McCARTHY ALLY MIKE ROGERS
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APPROACH THE SCRUM AND THEN--
WHERE IT IS, RIGHT HERE-- AND
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APPEARED TO
LUNGE AT MATT GAETZ, AND THEN
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WAS QUICKLY PULLED AWAY.
OH, MY GOD.
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I DON'T KNOW IF MEN SHOULD HOLD
POLITICAL OFFICE.
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THEY'RE JUST TOO EMOTIONAL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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THEY'RE JUST... HORMONES, I
GUESS.
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I JUST-- IT'S JUST-- IT'S THE
DAMN-- IT'S THEIR DAMN HORMONES.
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( LAUGHTER )
MOMENT FROM ANOTHER ANGLE?
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WOW.
I UNDERSTAND PULLING AWAY.
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BUT WHY IS HE COVERING HIS
MOUTH?
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WHAT WAS ROGERS ABOUT TO SAY
THAT THEY HAD TO STOP HIM?
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"LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE
ENDING OF SEASON TWO OF "WHITE
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LOTUS"!
( APPLAUSE )
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THAT TO McCARTHY WINNING IN JUST
A MATTER OF MINUTES?
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WELL, ONE PERSON WHO WOULD LIKE
CREDIT FOR IT IS FORMER
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PRESIDENT FORREST DUMP.
SORRY, TOM.
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SEE YOU LATER.
WITH THE HOUSE ON THE BRINK OF
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ADJOURNING YET AGAIN WITH NO
SPEAKER FOR THE WEEKEND, THE
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FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMS TO HAVE
TAKEN MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS
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AFTER THE 14th VOTE AND CALLED
THE McCARTHY HOLDOUTS, LEADING
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TO THIS PICTURE OF MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREENE PASSING HER PHONE
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AROUND SO PEOPLE COULD SPEAK TO
A CALLER IDENTIFIED AS "D.T."
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OF COURSE, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE HERE, SO
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THAT COULD EITHER STAND FOR HIS
INITIALS OR "DA TRESIDENT."
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( LAUGHTER )
DAAA, DAAA TRESIDENT.
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AFTER THE VOTE, McCARTHY WAS
BEAMING.
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HERE HE IS AFTER HIS VICTORY,
SHOWING HIS PARTY WHAT THEY GET
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TO SPEND THE NEXT TWO YEARS
REPEATEDLY BANGING ON HIS
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NUTSACK WITH.
( LAUGHTER )
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IT'S GOING TO BE ROUGH.
IT'S GOING TO BE A ROUGH RIDE.
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>> Louis: OH, GOD.
HERE WE GO.
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>> Stephen: HE BETTER WEAR A
CUP.
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IT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE ROUGH.
IN THE MIDST OF THE
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CLUSTERMUNCH, McCARTHY
EXPLAINED WHY THE EMBARRASSING
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SPECTACLE WE WERE ALL WITNESSING
WAS ACTUALLY NOT.
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>> SEE, THIS IS THE GREAT PART.
BECAUSE IT TOOK THIS LONG, NOW
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WE LEARNED HOW TO GOVERN.
( LAUGHTER )
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>> Stephen: REALLY?
JUST THIS LAST WEEK IS WHEN YOU
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LEARNED HOW TO GOVERN?
THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU
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SHOULDN'T LEARN THROUGH TRIAL
AND ERROR AT THE LAST MINUTE.
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IT'S LIKE A SURGEON SAYING,
"WHELP, IT TOOK ME 15 TRIES TO
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OPEN MY CAPRI SUN, BUT THIS
TRIPLE BYPASS SHOULD BE A SNAP!
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NOW, WHERE'S THE PIECE OF FOIL
ON YOUR CHEST WHERE I POKE THE
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STRAW?"
( LAUGHTER )
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THE.
JIM JORDAN ALSO HOPPED ON THE
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POSITIVITY TRAIN, EXPLAINING
THAT THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE
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SUPPOSED TO WORK.
>> SO SOMETIMES DEMOCRACY IS
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MESSY, BUT I WOULD ARGUE THAT'S
EXACTLY HOW THE FOUNDERS
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INTENDED IT.
>> Stephen: OH, EVERYONE KNOWS
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THE FOUNDERS LOVED CHAOS.
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE PREAMBL:
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"WE THE PEOPLE, IN ORDER TO FORM
A MORE BAM WHAP WHAP SCREW YOU
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MADISON, I'M WRITING THE
CONSTITUTION NOW!
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EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER THE NAME
CHARLES COTESWORTH
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PINCKNEY.
OW, MY EYE!"
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( LAUGHTER )
QUICK PROGRAMMING--
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( APPLAUSE )
QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: I HAVE A
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PROGRAM.
CHECK IT OUT.
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YOU MIGHT LIKE IT.
YOU MIGHT LIKE IT ESPECIALLY
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TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE
PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF
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SUSSEX.
PRINCE HARRY WILL BE HERE TO
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TALK ALL ABOUT HIS NEW MEMOIR,
"SPARE," ALSO AVAILABLE IN
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AUDIOBOOK AND COMMEMORATIVE
PLATE.
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( LAUGHTER )
I'VE READ THE BOOK.
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IT'S VERY ENJOYABLE.
QUITE EMOTIONAL.
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QUITE REVEALING.
I'M GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH TO
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TALK ABOUT WITH HIS HARRYNESS.
FOR INSTANCE, THE STUFF HE
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TALKED ABOUT WITH ANDERSON
COOPER, INCLUDING THIS HIGH
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SCHOOL MEMORY BETWEEN HIM AND
HIS BROTHER THAT'S STRAIGHT
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OUT OF THE OLDER SIBLING
PLAYBOOK.
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>> YOUR BROTHER TOLD YOU,
"PRETEND WE DON'T KNOW EACH
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OTHER."
>> YEAH, AND AT THE TIME IT
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HURT.
I COULDN'T MAKE SENSE OF IT.
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WE'RE NOW AT THE SAME SCHOOL.
"LIKE, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR
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00:08:18,931 --> 00:08:20,399
AGES.
NOW WE GET TO HANG OUT
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TOGETHER."
HE'S LIKE, "NO, NO.
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WHEN WE'RE AT SCHOOL, WE DON'T
KNOW EACH OTHER."
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AND I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S
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HEARTBREAKING.
TO BE REJECTED BY HIS OLDER
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BROTHER AT SCHOOL, EVEN THOUGH
THAT MAGIC HAT SORTED THEM INTO
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THE SAME HOUSE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK.
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THE BOOK ALSO CONTAINS A RATHER
CRISP DESCRIPTION OF HARRY'S
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OLDER BROTHER.
>> YOU WRITE ABOUT A CONTENTIOUS
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MEETING YOU HAD WITH HIM
IN 2021.
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YOU SAID, "I LOOKED AT WILLY,
REALLY LOOKED AT HIM MAYBE FOR
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THE FIRST TIME SINCE WE WERE
BOYS.
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I TOOK IT ALL IN-- HIS FAMILIAR
SCOWL, WHICH HAD ALWAYS BEEN HIS
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DEFAULT IN DEALINGS WITH ME; HIS
ALARMING BALDNESS, MORE ADVANCED
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THAN MY OWN; HIS FAMOUS
RESEMBLANCE TO MOMMY, WHICH WAS
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FADING WITH TIME, WITH AGE."
IT'S PRETTY CUTTING.
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>> I DON'T SEE IT AS CUTTING
AT ALL.
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( LAUGHTER )
WILLIAM'S SO BALD, HE DOESN'T
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00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:18,624
NEED ANY CUTTING!
AM I RIGHT?
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AM I RIGHT, HARRY?
COME ON, UP TOP, BABY!
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DON'T LEAVE ME IN THE TOWER OF
LONDON UP HERE!
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TUNE IN TOMORROW TO FIND OUT IF
HE LEAVES ME HANGIN'.
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( LAUGHTER )
AND CONFLICT THERE'S A HUGE
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STORY OUT OF BRAZIL, THE COUNTRY
WHOSE MOTTO IS:
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"PORTUGUESE.
WE SPEAK 'PORTUGUESE.'"
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THEY JUST HAD A PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION, AND THE LOSER WAS
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00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:47,820
FAR-RIGHT POLITICIAN AND TURTLE
WHO JUST SAW YOU DROP A BABY
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CARROT, JAIR BOLSONARO.
BOLSONARO CLAIMED HE LOST
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BECAUSE OF VOTER FRAUD.
NOW, IF THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR,
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THIS WILL, TOO.
YESTERDAY, BOLSONARO SUPPORTERS
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00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:58,764
RIOTED, STORMING BRAZIL'S
CONGRESS AND PRESIDENTIAL
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00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:02,635
OFFICE.
NO, NO, I CAN'T WATCH THIS MOVIE
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00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:05,571
AGAIN!
I KNOW HOW IT ENDS: WITH ALL OF
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00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:08,874
US SUDDENLY LIKING BRAZILIAN
LIZ CHENEY.
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00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:13,279
( LAUGHTER )
I CAN'T-- I CAN'T-- LIKE HER
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00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,081
AGAIN!
I CAN'T!
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THIS IS MY EMOTION!
SEE MY EMOTION?
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00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:22,788
THE RIOTERS WERE EVENTUALLY
CLEARED OUT, BUT IT WAS A DARK
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DAY FOR BRAZILIAN DEMOCRACY,
LEADING EXPERTS TO SAY,
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00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:29,595
"JANUARY 8 IS BRAZIL'S
JANUARY 6."
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JUST LIKE OUR JANUARY 6,
THE BRAZILIAN INSURRECTION HAD
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00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,171
RIOTERS STORMING THE HALLS,
ATTACKING COPS WITH FLAGPOLES,
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00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:45,177
AND SMASHING WINDOWS.
WAIT A SECOND, THEY'RE ALREADY
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INSIDE.
WHY ARE THEY GOING AFTER THE
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00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:48,547
WINDOWS?
THEY'RE GONNA GET CHARGED WITH
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"BREAKING AND EXITING!"
THE SIMILARITIES DON'T END
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THERE.
VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA APPEARED
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00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:53,686
TO SHOW A PROTESTER ABOUT TO
DEFECATE INSIDE A ROOM AT THE
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00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:55,321
SUPREME COURT.
OH, NO.
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00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,156
NOW THEY'LL HAVE TO CLEAN UP
THE-- MADAME PELOSI, CAN YOU
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HELP ME OUT?
>> THE POO POO
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00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:02,228
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SORRY.
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THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S BRAZIL. CAN YOU DO IT "AYM
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00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:12,571
PORTUGUES?"
>> "O COCO."
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>> Stephen: OBRIGADO.
ONE OF THE REASONS THIS FELT
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00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:21,113
LIKE A DEJA-COUP WAS BECAUSE
WHEN BOLSONARO WAS TRYING TO
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00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:24,450
FIND A WAY TO SPIN HIS ELECTION
LOSS, HIS ALLIES MET WITH SOME
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00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:25,551
OF OUR FORMER PRESIDENT'S
ADVISERS, INCLUDING STEVE
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00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:29,155
BANNON.
OH, NO!
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00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:32,792
STEVE BANNON'S GONE BRAZILIAN?
REGULAR STEVE BANNON WAS BAD
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00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,460
ENOUGH.
NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HIM IN A
200
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:39,465
THONG.
( LAUGHTER )
201
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:47,306
GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT CREATED AN
IMAGE OF STEVE BANNON IN A
202
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,109
THONG--
( APPLAUSE )
203
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:56,782
BROADCASTING IT WOULD VIOLATE
THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS.
204
00:11:56,849 --> 00:12:03,989
I'D BE HAULED BEFORE THE HAGUE.
IS HOW DID THE AMERICANS TEACH
205
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:11,864
THE CIVILIANS HOW TO INSERECT
JUST LIKE US.
206
00:12:11,931 --> 00:12:17,303
WERE YOU INSPIRED BY THE JANUARY
6 RIOTERS BUT WEREN'T SURE HOW
207
00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:21,373
TO IN A NONENGLISH SPEAKING
COUNTRY?
208
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:29,715
NOW YOU CAN WITH CUOLINGO.
WHETHER IT'S IN SPANISH...
209
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:38,124
GERMAN...
CHINESE... OR EVEN SWEDISH...
210
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:39,391
MIKE-A-PENCE, MURDER, MURDER,
MURDER.
211
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:44,029
>> WE HAVE HELPED THOUSANDS GO
FROM HUNTING SPEAKERS-- WHERE
212
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:48,968
ARE YOUINANCY?
>> TO LANGUAGE SPEAKERS.
213
00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:54,106
>> TRY CUOLINGO TODAY.
AVAILABLE IN MOST LANGUAGES,
214
00:12:54,173 --> 00:12:56,675
EXCEPT WHAT THIS IS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
215
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:59,778
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS A YOUNG MAN NAMED
216
00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:02,515
TOM HANKS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
217
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:05,017
"MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
218
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:46,258
( APPLAUSE )
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND,
219
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:48,761
EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW
220
00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:52,464
BAND.
( APPLAUSE )
221
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:55,701
>> Louis: STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: OH, LOUIS.
222
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,903
>> Louis: OH, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO
223
00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,506
ANYTHING-- DID YOU DO ANYTHING
FUN THIS WEEKEND?
224
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:03,275
ANYBODY DO ANYTHING FUN OVER
THERE?
225
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:04,243
YEAH?
ANYBODY?
226
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,111
>> Louis: I TOOK A NAP.
>> Stephen: OH!
227
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,180
>> Louis: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS
228
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:11,650
FANTASTIC.
I DID VERY LITTLE THIS WEEKEND
229
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,285
OTHER THAN READ PRINCE HARRY'S
BOOK.
230
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,554
>> Louis: YOU READ THE BOOK?
>> Stephen: YEAH, I REALLY
231
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:18,524
ENJOYED IT.
IT'S 400 PAGES BUT IT KIND OF
232
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:21,060
FLIES.
IT'S A REALLY EASY READ.
233
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:23,963
>> Louis: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
JUICY.
234
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:26,799
>> Stephen: IT'S JUICY, SAD AT
PARTS, FASCINATING AT PARTS.
235
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:30,903
I'M NOT A ROYAL WATCHER BUT IT'S
A FASCINATING FAMILY DYNAMIC.
236
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:34,406
TAKE AWAY FROM THE CROWNS AND
THE FOOTMEN AND THE CASTLES AND
237
00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:37,243
EVERYTHING, IT'S STILL A
FASCINATING STORY.
238
00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:42,648
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY
TONIGHT FOR TOM HANKS.
239
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:46,385
TOM HANKS IS COMING OUT TONIGHT.
>> Louis: OH, MY GOSH.
240
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:50,889
A SONG I DID NOT UPON BEFORE I
HEARD YOU HUMMING IT IN
241
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,458
REHEARSAL.
>> Stephen: WHAT.
242
00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:57,096
>> Louis: SHOULD I TELL YOU?
>> Stephen: I'LL FIND OUT WHEN
243
00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:59,765
HE COMES OUT.
AND THE GREAT MR. TOM HANKS WILL
244
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:03,669
BE HERE, AND TWO OF MY FAVORITE
ARTISTS, RACHAEL & VILRAY WILL
245
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,939
BE OUT HERE TONIGHT.
>> Louis: EXTRAORDINARY.
246
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:15,748
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME,
247
00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:18,350
RIGHT OVER THERE, PAINSTAKINGLY
MIXING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS
248
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,486
COLORS LIKE AZURITE, INDIGO, AND
LAPIS LAZULI IN CONTRASTING HUES
249
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:23,088
OF LIGHT AND DARK USING
CHIAROSCURO, PERFECTLY CAPTURING
250
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:25,724
THE LIGHT FALLOFF PROVIDED BY MY
CAMERA OBSCURA TO CREATE FOR YOU
251
00:15:25,791 --> 00:15:30,829
THE VERMEER MASTERPIECE THAT IS
MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
252
00:15:30,896 --> 00:15:32,998
BUT SOMETIMES, I HAND OVER A SET
OF FINGERPAINTS TO A ZOO GORILLA
253
00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:35,000
AND LET HIM SLAP UP THE FERAL
CINDERBLOCK MURAL OF NEWS THAT
254
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:41,807
IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
255
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:45,244
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
DRIVE THAT TRAIN.
256
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:52,551
MEANWHILE, IT DRIVES THE TRAIN.
( APPLAUSE )
257
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:56,855
REQUIRING GOVERNMENT I.D. TO
ACCESS ONLINE PORN
258
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:59,758
WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA BE A
PROBLEM.
259
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:07,800
ALL PORN USERS ARE 100% PROUD OF
THE PORN THEY CHOOSE TO WATCH:
260
00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:10,469
"MY NAME, GARY RODERICK
SANDERSON, AND I WANT TO LOOK AT
261
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:11,737
NUDE LIBRARIANS LIFTING HEAVY
THINGS.
262
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:16,008
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
551-23-69."
263
00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:20,813
( LAUGHTER )
SECURITY NUMBER.
264
00:16:20,879 --> 00:16:23,282
WHEN TRYING TO ACCESS THESE
SITES, USERS WILL FIRST BE
265
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:27,252
DIRECTED TO A THIRD-PARTY
IDENTITY VERIFICATION SITE,
266
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:30,089
WHICH THEN CONNECTS TO A DIGITAL
DRIVER'S LICENSE FOR
267
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:33,959
LOUISIANANS.
BECAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE
268
00:16:34,026 --> 00:16:35,828
MOOD FASTER THAN MULTI-FACTOR
AUTHENTICATION.
269
00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:44,169
( LAUGHTER )
MY I.D.s UP FRONT...
270
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:46,305
AND BACK.
NOW, TO FIND EVERY PICTURE OF A
271
00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:51,610
TRAFFIC LIGHT...
YOU LIKE HOW I CLICK THAT, BABY?
272
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:56,181
OH, I AM NOT A ROBOT."
THE NEW LAW WILL AFFECT "PORN
273
00:16:56,248 --> 00:17:00,185
PUBLISHERS," WHICH LOUISIANA
DEFINES AS ANY WEBSITE WITH
274
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:07,960
MORE THAN ONE-THIRD PORNOGRAPHIC
CONTENT.
275
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:11,764
SO YOU'RE STILL GOOD TO GO,
TRADITIONAL CAJUN SMUT SITE
276
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:15,467
TWO CRAWDADS AND A DILF.COM.
JACKED.
277
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,738
THAT GUY IS JACKED.
MEANWHILE--
278
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:29,848
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WALL STREET, WHERE GOLDMAN SACHS
279
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,417
BANKERS ARE REALLY BUMMED OVER
THE LOSS OF THEIR FREE COFFEE
280
00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:35,854
PERK.
WHAT, NO COFFEE?
281
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:37,523
NOW HOW ARE WALL STREET GUYS
SUPPOSED TO GET THEIR MORNING
282
00:17:37,589 --> 00:17:39,124
ENERGY?
COCAINE?
283
00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:43,629
AND I AM BEING TOLD, ABSOLUTELY
IT WILL BE COCAINE.
284
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:46,131
MEANWHILE, A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
WAS FOUND IN A FLORIDA RIVER
285
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:47,933
AFTER 39 YEARS, WITH A NOTE THAT
READ, "IF YOU ARE THE PERSON
286
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,602
THAT FOUND THIS BOTTLE, PLEASE
SEND A NOTE TO RON CLARK."
287
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:52,571
THEY DID SO, AND RON CLARK
RESPONDED, "NEW BOTTLE, WHO
288
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:56,575
DIS?"
( LAUGHTER )
289
00:17:56,642 --> 00:18:00,979
TOOK 39 YEARS FOR HIM TO
RESPOND, 39 YEARS MORE TO
290
00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:03,849
RESPOND.
MEANWHILE, IN CANADA,
291
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,584
A PIGEON WEARING CRYSTAL METH
LIKE A BACKPACK WAS CAUGHT
292
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:08,020
INSIDE A PRISON YARD.
YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT IT IN
293
00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:10,722
THE NEW HIT DRAMA, "BREAKING
BIRD."
294
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:14,960
( LAUGHTER )
>> Louis: REALLY.
295
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:18,997
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> Louis: SO GOOD.
296
00:18:19,064 --> 00:18:24,670
>> Stephen: I AM THE ONE WHO
SQUAWKS.
297
00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:29,942
MEANWHILE, IN YOUNG PEOPLE
TRENDS, GEN Z IS OBSESSED WITH
298
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:32,110
OLD-FASHIONED FLIP PHONES, WITH
SOME SAYING, "I THINK THAT ERA
299
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:35,347
WAS FUN."
OH, SURE, SOUNDS FUN, UNLESS YOU
300
00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:38,050
LIVED THROUGH THAT HELL!
BACK THEN, IT WAS ALL PALM
301
00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:42,254
PILOTS AND FLOPPY DISCS AND
WAITING FOR THE LITTLE YELLOW
302
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:50,329
A.O.L. MAN TO DIAL UP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
303
00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:56,502
ASK JEEVES.
( LAUGHTER )
304
00:18:56,568 --> 00:19:05,277
MEANWHILE, IN TRAVEL NEWS,
A BRITISH HOTEL CHAIN HAS
305
00:19:05,344 --> 00:19:08,413
REVEALED TS LIST OF
LOST-AND-FOUND ITEMS, WHICH
306
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,850
INCLUDE A SEAGULL, SEGWAY
SCOOTERS, A FOUR-FOOT-TALL
307
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:14,853
GINGERBREAD MAN, AND A PAIR OF
DONKEYS.
308
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,322
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S WHY, BEFORE I LEAVE THE
309
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:21,793
HOUSE, I ALWAYS CHECK TO MAKE
SURE I HAVE MY WALLET, MY PHONE,
310
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:24,496
AND MY 'KEYS, WHICH IS SHORT FOR
MY "DONKEYS."
311
00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:30,102
( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
TOM HANKS.
312
00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:47,853
♪ THE SYSCO KID WAS A FRIEND OF
MINE ♪
313
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,622
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
314
00:19:50,689 --> 00:20:01,166
THERE YOU GO.
FOLKS, YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE
315
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,835
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN OSCAR
WINNER WHO HAS BEEN STARRING IN
316
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:06,104
YOUR FAVORITE FILMS FOR OVER
THREE DECADES.
317
00:20:06,171 --> 00:20:11,877
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE
LATE SHOW," MR. TOM HANKS.
318
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:23,388
♪ I'M THE LINEMAN FOR THE COUNTY
>> CISCO KID!
319
00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:29,428
( APPLAUSE )
WOW!
320
00:20:29,494 --> 00:20:35,834
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
CAN I JUST-- YOU KNOW, THANK
321
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:41,506
YOU, THANK YOU.
TURN OFF THE SIGN.
322
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,208
TURN OFF THE SIGN.
YES, YES.
323
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:50,916
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
324
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:55,921
I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU-- YOU REMEMBER-- YOU
325
00:20:55,988 --> 00:21:01,593
REMEMBER ME FROM THE DAYS WHEN
WE ALL HAD VHS MACHINES.
326
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:04,596
I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
327
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:05,731
AGAIN.
HOW WAS THE HOLIDAYS?
328
00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:08,166
>> IT WAS ROCKIN', YOU KNOW.
WE RIPPED IT UP.
329
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:10,202
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY STAY
HEALTHY AND EVERYTHING LIKE
330
00:21:10,268 --> 00:21:12,471
THAT?
>> YEAH, WE TOOK TESTS EVERY
331
00:21:12,537 --> 00:21:15,607
SEVEN HOURS AND THEY CAME BACK
WITH ONLY ONE LINE ON THEM.
332
00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:18,010
ALL THE KIDS GOT TO STAY.
IT WAS KIND OF NICE.
333
00:21:18,076 --> 00:21:21,313
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU
STARTED A NEW-- A NEW HANKS
334
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:23,749
FAMILY TRADITION, AND I'D LIKE
TO GET AN INTRODUCTION TO IT.
335
00:21:23,815 --> 00:21:27,853
>> THE CHRISTMAS SEASON BEGAN
FOR US-- BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY SAW
336
00:21:27,919 --> 00:21:30,322
YOUR MUSICAL GUEST TONIGHT
RACHAEL & VILRAY.
337
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,224
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY.
>> THEY'RE FABULOUS.
338
00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:34,593
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
YOU'RE NICE TO HAVE HERE, BUT
339
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:37,195
THAT'S EXCITING.
>> BY THE WAY, I BOUGHT ALL
340
00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:42,467
THEIR RECORDS.
I WENT ON iTUNES
341
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:48,607
♪ YOU BETTER TREAT ME SPECIAL ♪
SO WE SAW THEM, AND WE WERE AT
342
00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:51,543
THE CAFE CARLISLE, WHICH IS A
GREAT PLACE TO GO.
343
00:21:51,610 --> 00:21:54,913
MY WIFE HAD PLAYED THERE, RITA
HAD PLAYED THERE WITH THE BAND
344
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:59,985
AND THEY WERE THE NEXT ACT.
WE HAD A CELEBRATORY BOTTLE OF
345
00:22:00,052 --> 00:22:02,220
CHAMPAGNE BROUGHT BY.
DESPITE A COUPLE OF EVENINGS
346
00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:03,321
I'VE HAD WITH YOU, WHICH ENDED
UP WITH FIST FIGHTS IN FRONT OF
347
00:22:03,388 --> 00:22:06,858
MICKEY MANTLE'S RESTAURANT.
"YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY?
348
00:22:06,925 --> 00:22:09,961
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT FUNNY IS,
STEPHEN COLBERT."
349
00:22:10,028 --> 00:22:15,600
I'M NOT A BIG DRINKER.
I USUALLY HAVE A DIET COKE,
350
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,438
BECAUSE IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A
LONG ENOUGH DISCO NAP, YOU'RE
351
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:22,507
GOING TO FALL ASLEEP AROUND
11:45.
352
00:22:22,574 --> 00:22:25,711
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE.
>> I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF
353
00:22:25,777 --> 00:22:29,781
CAFFEINE, DIET COKE IN A GLASS.
>> Stephen: RIGHT THERE AT THE
354
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:31,383
CARLISLE.
>> THEY BROUGHT THE CHAMPAGNE
355
00:22:31,450 --> 00:22:35,153
AROUND, LIKE THE LAST EPISODE OF
"THE BACHELOR."
356
00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:39,591
AND I JUST HAD THIS DIET COKE.
AND I SAID, "GIVE ME A SHOT OF
357
00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:41,893
CHAMPAGNE IN THERE."
>> Stephen: IN THE DIET COKE?
358
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,964
>> IN THE DIET COKE.
AND EVERYBODY SAID, "YOU ARE
359
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:47,632
INSANE."
I SAID I MAY BE INSANE BUT I
360
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:52,370
WANT TO CELL BRAPT THE SEASON.
I HAD A SIP OF THIS.
361
00:22:52,437 --> 00:22:54,606
STEPHEN, IT WAS DELICIOUS GLI
HEARD THIS STORY, SO I WANTED--
362
00:22:54,673 --> 00:22:59,611
I WANTED TO SEE-- DIET COKE
FIRST?
363
00:22:59,678 --> 00:23:02,414
>> JUST DIET COKE.
>> Stephen: DIET COKE FIRST?
364
00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:03,615
HOW MUCH?
HOW MUCH?
365
00:23:03,682 --> 00:23:08,720
>> I DRANK-- I HAD IT DOWN TO
ABOUT A THIRD OF MY DIET COKE.
366
00:23:08,787 --> 00:23:11,923
IF THAT MAKES SENSE.
>> IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
367
00:23:11,990 --> 00:23:13,458
COCA-COLA.
IT CAN BE ANY COLA PRODUCT.
368
00:23:13,525 --> 00:23:19,464
>> Stephen: BUT DIET.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE I'M TYPE TWO
369
00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:21,399
DIABETES.
WHAT'S BETTER THAN TYPE TWO
370
00:23:21,466 --> 00:23:24,503
DIABETES THAN A SHOT OF
CHAMPAGNE IN YOUR DIET COKE.
371
00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:29,875
>> Stephen: I TOP IT OFF HERE.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE FOLKS
372
00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:32,778
INTENDED.
THIS RECIPE CAN ALSO BE FOUND IN
373
00:23:32,844 --> 00:23:34,746
"THE BOOK OF THE REVELATION."
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
374
00:23:34,813 --> 00:23:37,015
FIRST OF ALL, LOOK AT THE COLOR.
>> Stephen: IT'S GORGEOUS.
375
00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:45,557
>> IS IT NOT KIND OF GORGEOUS.
I WANT TO SAY HAPPY 2023.
376
00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:50,195
>> Stephen: HAPPY 2023.
( APPLAUSE )
377
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:57,269
EVERYBODY AT THE TABLE TRIED IT.
THEY SAID "OH,, YOU KNOW, WHAT,
378
00:23:57,335 --> 00:23:58,503
DAD?
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."
379
00:23:58,570 --> 00:24:01,606
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A TOM
COLLINS.
380
00:24:01,673 --> 00:24:03,975
WE HAVE THE TOM HANKS.
>> GOOD, GOOD.
381
00:24:04,042 --> 00:24:06,178
>> Stephen: SORRY, I DIDN'T
MEAN TO--
382
00:24:06,244 --> 00:24:07,846
>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I DIDN'T KNOW.
383
00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:10,649
>> WE WERE DEBATING WHAT THE
NAME OF IT SHOULD BE, AND I CAME
384
00:24:10,715 --> 00:24:13,785
UP WITH I BECAUSE IT IS COKE
AND CHAMPAGNE.
385
00:24:13,852 --> 00:24:20,158
SO IT'S OBVIOUSLY DIET COCAINE.
COKAGNE.
386
00:24:20,225 --> 00:24:22,561
I DON'T MIND --
>> Stephen: THAT'S QUITE
387
00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:24,696
PLEASANT.
>> WHAT'S THE OTHER NAME YOU
388
00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:25,630
SAID?
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS.
389
00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:31,236
>> WELL, LET'S GO WITH THAT.
( APPLAUSE )
390
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:36,541
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
>> Stephen: IT'S REALLY, IT'S
391
00:24:36,608 --> 00:24:40,879
REALLY-- IT'S STRANGELY,
STRIKINGLY, SHAMEFULLY GOOD.
392
00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:43,815
IT'S SO REFRESHING.
YOU GET THAT LITTLE CAFFEINE,
393
00:24:43,882 --> 00:24:46,384
TOO, MAN.
KEEPS YOU GOING THROUGH THE
394
00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:48,787
CHAMPAGNE.
>> YOU'LL POLISH BOTH OF THEM
395
00:24:48,854 --> 00:24:50,722
OFF, THE SIX PACK AND THE
MAGNUM.
396
00:24:50,789 --> 00:24:52,924
>> Stephen: I CAN FINISH A
DIET COKE.
397
00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:56,328
I'M NO LIGHTWEIGHT.
I CAN FINISH A DIET COKE.
398
00:24:56,394 --> 00:24:57,229
>> A TWO-FISTS COKE DRINKER.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
399
00:24:57,295 --> 00:24:59,197
QUICK BREAK.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE TOM
400
00:24:59,264 --> 00:25:00,866
HANKS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE..
401
00:25:07,706 --> 00:25:10,375
>>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF
402
00:25:10,442 --> 00:25:15,046
THE NEW MOVIE "A MAN CALLED
OTTO."
403
00:25:15,113 --> 00:25:17,315
MR. TOM HANKS.
THE NEW FILM IS "A MAN CALLED
404
00:25:17,382 --> 00:25:19,951
OTTO."
YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE, RITA,
405
00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:25,257
PRODUCED THIS FILM, DEVELOPED IT
FROM A SWEDISH FILM "A MAN
406
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,425
CALLED OVE."
TELL THE GOOD PEOPLE WHAT IT'S
407
00:25:27,492 --> 00:25:29,261
ABOUT.
>> IT'S ABOUT THE CRANK IN THE
408
00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:30,228
NEIGHBORHOOD.
IT'S ABOUT THE GUY IN THE
409
00:25:30,295 --> 00:25:32,464
NEIGHBORHOOD WHO SAYS, "GET OFF
MY LAWN.
410
00:25:32,530 --> 00:25:34,666
KEEP THAT DOG AWAY FROM ME.
YOU CAN'T PARK THERE.
411
00:25:34,733 --> 00:25:38,203
DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW, FOR
CRYING OUT LOUD, THAT THE
412
00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:40,572
RECYCLABLES ARE CLEARLY
DELINEATED.
413
00:25:40,639 --> 00:25:42,607
THE PLASTIC GOES IN THE PLASTIC
BIN!
414
00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:46,645
THE CANS GO IN THE CAN, CAN!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
415
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:50,582
WHY CAN YOU NOT SEPARATE THESE
THINGS THE WAY THEY NEED TO BE
416
00:25:50,649 --> 00:25:52,584
SEPARATED?
THAT'S WHO THE MAN IS.
417
00:25:52,651 --> 00:25:53,818
PLEUZ.
>> Stephen: THAT'S INVESTMENT.
418
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:57,022
THAT'S EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT.
>> BY THE WAY, ARE YOU THE OTTO
419
00:25:57,088 --> 00:26:00,926
IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
THE STEPHEN COLBERT GUY.
420
00:26:00,992 --> 00:26:03,895
DOES EVIE COME OUT --
>> Stephen: SHE'S THE MUSCLE.
421
00:26:03,962 --> 00:26:06,898
>> "A WOMAN NAMED EVIE."
CAREFUL NOW.
422
00:26:06,965 --> 00:26:12,037
THERE'S A REASON HE IS THIS WAY.
AND WHAT HAPPENS IS A FABULOUS--
423
00:26:12,103 --> 00:26:17,142
THE ACTRESS MARIANA TREVINO, WHO
IS A HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, HUGE
424
00:26:17,208 --> 00:26:20,111
ACTRESS-- ACTOR IN MEXICO, IS IN
IT.
425
00:26:20,178 --> 00:26:23,181
SHE MOVES ACROSS THE STREET, AND
ALL HELL BUSTS LOOSE.
426
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:24,516
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A CLIP
HERE.
427
00:26:24,582 --> 00:26:27,152
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON
HERE?
428
00:26:27,218 --> 00:26:30,755
>> SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO
DRIVE A STICK SHIFT AUTOMOBILE.
429
00:26:30,822 --> 00:26:34,192
WHICH IS INSANITY TO A MAN
CALLED OTTO.
430
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:37,095
WHO CANNOT DRIVE-- FOR CRYING
OUT LOUD, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO
431
00:26:37,162 --> 00:26:39,164
DRIVE A CAR.
IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE A STICK, YOU
432
00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:42,567
ARE NOT ACTUALLY DRIVING A CAR.
SO HE SAYS, "I WILL TEACH YOU
433
00:26:42,634 --> 00:26:45,036
HOW TO DRIVE THIS CAR."
A STICK.
434
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:47,372
>> Stephen: JIM.
>> JUST WAIT FOR THE GREEN
435
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:48,840
LIGHT.
AND HERE WE GO.
436
00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:51,910
PRESS IN ON THE CLUTCH.
AND GIVE IT A LITTLE GAS.
437
00:26:51,977 --> 00:26:55,647
SLOWLY LET OUT-- YOU'RE NOT IN
GEAR
438
00:26:55,714 --> 00:26:58,984
( HORNS HONKING ) )
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN THE KEY.
439
00:26:59,050 --> 00:27:07,459
>> OH, MY GOSH.
>> SLOWLY LET OUT THE CLUTCH.
440
00:27:07,525 --> 00:27:09,761
LISTEN TO ME.
YOU HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO TO
441
00:27:09,828 --> 00:27:10,762
CHILDREN.
YOU LEARNED A NEW LANGUAGE.
442
00:27:10,829 --> 00:27:13,198
YOU WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM
LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE.
443
00:27:13,264 --> 00:27:16,301
PLY GOD, THE SWORLD FULL OF
COMPLETE IDIOTS WHO HAVE MANAGED
444
00:27:16,368 --> 00:27:19,270
TO FIGURE IT OUT, AND YOU ARE
NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT.
445
00:27:19,337 --> 00:27:28,013
SO CLUTCH, SHIFT,s GAS,s
DRIVE.
446
00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:29,781
AAAAH!
>> AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
447
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:31,850
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO.
>> Stephen: IT'S A MESSAGE OF
448
00:27:31,916 --> 00:27:35,420
HOPE IS WHAT IT IS.
>> AS I HAVE INSTRUCTED IT'S
449
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:38,123
ONLY THING-- WHO HERE CANNOT
DRIVE A STICK SHIFT?
450
00:27:38,189 --> 00:27:40,959
LET'S SEE THE HAND.
OH, YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS, FOR
451
00:27:41,026 --> 00:27:43,161
CRYING OUT LOUD.
WHAT COUNTRY DID YOU GROW UP IN?
452
00:27:43,228 --> 00:27:46,431
THE SECRET OF DRIVING IS DON'T
BE IN THIRD.
453
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,433
THAT'S ONLY THING-- YOU'RE IN
THIRD --
454
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:49,634
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO REASON
TO EVER BE IN THIRD?
455
00:27:49,701 --> 00:27:51,703
>> YOU'RE IN THIRD, YOU'RE IN
THIRD.
456
00:27:51,770 --> 00:27:54,639
ALL RIGHT, CLUTCH IN, THE BRAKE
AT THE SAME TIME, PUT IT IN
457
00:27:54,706 --> 00:27:56,975
GEAR, AND LET THE CLUTCH OUT
SLOWLY.
458
00:27:57,042 --> 00:27:58,443
YOU'RE IN THIRD.
YOU'RE IN THIRD GEAR.
459
00:27:58,510 --> 00:27:59,811
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER
LEARNING?
460
00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:03,481
LIKE THE CAR?
>> YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU, BACK
461
00:28:03,548 --> 00:28:07,552
WHEN-- A COUPLE OF YEARS AFTER
"BOSOM BUDDIES "AND I HAD MONEY
462
00:28:07,619 --> 00:28:11,856
IN THE BANK," WIWANT TO THE
CRACK STAFF BUSINESS MANAGER AND
463
00:28:11,923 --> 00:28:14,659
SAID, "CAN I BUY ANY CAR I WANT
NOW?"
464
00:28:14,726 --> 00:28:17,295
THEY HAD,s, ACTUALLY, YEAH,
YOU PRETTY MUCH CAN."
465
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:20,965
I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A
VOLKSWAGEN CAMPER THAT HAD A
466
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,069
STEERING WHEEL --
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU SAID
467
00:28:24,135 --> 00:28:28,940
YOU BOUGHT A LAMBORGHINI.
>> IT HAD A STEERING WHEEL TRULY
468
00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:31,576
THIS BIG, AND THE GEAR SHIFT
WHICH WAS A STICK WAS OVER HERE.
469
00:28:31,643 --> 00:28:33,378
>> Stephen: YOU HAD TO GET UP
AND WALK TO IT.
470
00:28:33,445 --> 00:28:36,448
>> ALMOST LIKE THAT.
AND YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED
471
00:28:36,514 --> 00:28:40,151
PANIC UNTIL A HILL IN SAN
FRANCISCO AND A STOP LIGHT, AND
472
00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:43,288
YOU HAVE TO NOT ONLY GET IT--
BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE HEEL AND
473
00:28:43,354 --> 00:28:48,159
THE TOE WITH THE BRAKE AND THE
ACCELERATOR AND SLOWLY LET OUT.
474
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:52,397
AND YOU HAVE TO BE IN FIRST GE
GEAR.
475
00:28:52,464 --> 00:28:54,599
>> Stephen: THE PROBLEM, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO BE IN FIRST GERK
476
00:28:54,666 --> 00:28:57,469
BECAUSE THE CAR I LEARNED TO
DRIVE STICK ON WAS WHEN I WAS
477
00:28:57,535 --> 00:28:59,871
DOING A CONSTRUCTION JOB ONE
SUMMER BETWEEN MY JUNIOR AND
478
00:28:59,938 --> 00:29:02,107
SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.
AND THE OWNER I HAD TO DRIVE
479
00:29:02,173 --> 00:29:06,711
HIS TRUCK TO GET SUPPLIES.
IT DIDN'T HAVE A FIRST GEAR.
480
00:29:06,778 --> 00:29:10,548
IT WAS COMPLETELY BURNED OUT.
>> OH, BURNED OUT GLI HAD TO
481
00:29:10,615 --> 00:29:15,286
START IN SECOND-- GEAR WHICH
MEANT YOU HAD TO GET THE R.P.s
482
00:29:15,353 --> 00:29:18,890
UP, LIKE THE BOMB WAS ABOUT TO
EXPLODE, AND YOU HAD TO TAKE
483
00:29:18,957 --> 00:29:21,993
YOUR FOOT OFF THE CLUTCH LIKE
YOU WERE DEFUSING A NUCLEAR
484
00:29:22,060 --> 00:29:23,328
WEAPON.
>> YOU HAD TO GET ROLLING A
485
00:29:23,394 --> 00:29:24,596
LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
486
00:29:24,662 --> 00:29:27,966
ALL I KNOW IS I COULD NOT TAKE
MY FOOT OFF THE CLUTCH SLOWLY
487
00:29:28,032 --> 00:29:30,768
ENOUGH TO MAKE IT WORK.
>> I BELIEVE THAT'S HOW JAMES
488
00:29:30,835 --> 00:29:32,704
BOND WAS ALMOST KILLED IN A
MOVIE.
489
00:29:32,770 --> 00:29:35,707
>> Stephen: YES.
THE SECRET SERVICE, EXACTLY.
490
00:29:35,773 --> 00:29:40,712
>> THIS ASTON MARTON HAS NOTICE
FIRST GEAR, MR. BOND.
491
00:29:40,778 --> 00:29:46,317
AND YOU WILL BE DRIVING DOWN THE
AUTOBAHN.
492
00:29:46,384 --> 00:29:49,454
YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK?
NO, MR. BOND, I EXPECT YOU TO
493
00:29:49,521 --> 00:29:50,388
DIE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU ENJOY,
494
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:53,358
PEOPLE--
>> HOLD ON ONE SECOND, WILL YOU?
495
00:29:53,424 --> 00:30:02,967
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S BEEN SUCH A DAY.
496
00:30:03,034 --> 00:30:07,038
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH.
PEOPLE ARE UNDER THE MISTAKEN
497
00:30:07,105 --> 00:30:08,339
IMPRESSION THAT YOU'RE A
PLEASANT PERSON.
498
00:30:08,406 --> 00:30:13,311
( LAUGHTER )
SATISFYING TO PLAY A GRUMPY
499
00:30:13,378 --> 00:30:16,281
PERSON, TO LET IT ALL OUT?
>> HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO SMASH
500
00:30:16,347 --> 00:30:20,552
THE TV REMOTE AGAINST THE WALL
AND STORM OUT OF THE ROOM?
501
00:30:20,618 --> 00:30:23,555
THIS WAS LIKE THAT FOR ME EVERY
DAY.
502
00:30:23,621 --> 00:30:26,291
IT WAS MAGNIFICENT, MAGNIFICENT,
SATISFYING MOMENT, JUST LET
503
00:30:26,357 --> 00:30:29,561
OUT-- LET OUT THE CRANK.
BECAUSE ALMOST-- WHEN I'M AROUND
504
00:30:29,627 --> 00:30:32,664
THE HOUSE, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
I'VE GONE OFF THE DEEP END WHEN
505
00:30:32,730 --> 00:30:36,401
I BEGIN A CONVERSATION WITH THIS
PHRASE, "LET ME GET THIS
506
00:30:36,467 --> 00:30:41,339
STRAIGHT."
"OH, HERE GOES DAD.
507
00:30:41,406 --> 00:30:45,243
WHAT DID WE DO, DAD?
DID WE LEAVE THE RICE POT IN THE
508
00:30:45,310 --> 00:30:48,980
SINK NOT SCRUBBED OUT?
DID WE-- ."
509
00:30:49,047 --> 00:30:50,949
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE LEVEL
OF CRISIS?
510
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:54,219
>> IT'S MASSIVE WITH ME.
"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT."
511
00:30:54,285 --> 00:30:56,421
NOTHING WORKS FOR ME-- THAT'S
THE OTHER.
512
00:30:56,487 --> 00:31:00,024
WHY WON'T IT WORK FOR ME!
DAD IS YELLING DOWN.
513
00:31:00,091 --> 00:31:02,260
WHY WON'T THE REMOTE WORK FOR
ME?
514
00:31:02,327 --> 00:31:06,030
I PRESS MENU, I PRESS POWER, I
PRESS INPUT.
515
00:31:06,097 --> 00:31:08,266
I PRESS MODE, I WENT ON THE APP
AND FOUND THE --
516
00:31:08,333 --> 00:31:13,504
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE MODE?
YOU HAVE MODE?
517
00:31:13,571 --> 00:31:19,310
YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE ON-OFF.
WHY CAN'T THAT BE THAT'S ALL IT
518
00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:21,279
TAKES.
AND IT NEVER WORKS-- I ONCE
519
00:31:21,346 --> 00:31:25,950
PUT-- I WAS ONCE TRYING TO GET A
DVD TO PLAY, AND I PRESSED SO
520
00:31:26,017 --> 00:31:31,990
MANY BUTTONS ON THE DVD PLAYER,
YOU KNOW WHERE IT SAYS "OPEN" OR
521
00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:33,024
"CLOSE" OR "READING."
I SWEAR TO GOD IT SAY
522
00:31:33,091 --> 00:31:36,027
"GOOD-BYE."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
523
00:31:36,094 --> 00:31:40,031
QUICK BREAK. WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH MORE TOM HANKS.
524
00:31:46,471 --> 00:31:54,045
THIS GUY THAT MAN RIGHT THERE,
WICHITA LINEMAN HIMSELF.
525
00:31:54,112 --> 00:31:58,182
WE'RE BACK HERE, STAR OF STAGE
AND SCREEN, STAR OF THE NEW
526
00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:00,685
MOVIE "A MAN CALLED OTTO," TOM
HANKS.
527
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:04,222
YOUR SON TRUMAN HANKS PLAYS YOU
IN THE FLASHBACKS.
528
00:32:04,289 --> 00:32:06,758
>> HE DOES, YES.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GIVE HIM
529
00:32:06,824 --> 00:32:08,760
ANY ACTING ADVICE?
>> TRY TO LOOK LIKE ME AS MUCH
530
00:32:08,826 --> 00:32:10,762
AS POSSIBLE.
WE ACTUALLY ARE KIND OF-- THAT'S
531
00:32:10,828 --> 00:32:14,499
WHY HE GOT THE GIG, BECAUSE HE A
DEAD RINGER FOR ME.
532
00:32:14,565 --> 00:32:17,902
MARK FORSTER, WHO IS OUR
DIRECTOR SAID, "IT'S ALWAYS SO
533
00:32:17,969 --> 00:32:22,607
FAKE WHEN YOU GET SOME OTHER
ACTOR TO PLAY YOU IN FLASHBACKS.
534
00:32:22,674 --> 00:32:26,311
WHY CAN'T I GET ONE OF YOUR KIDS
TO PLAY YOU?
535
00:32:26,377 --> 00:32:32,050
IS?
>> Stephen: DID ARNOLD
536
00:32:32,116 --> 00:32:34,919
SCHWARZENEGGER IN THIS MOVIE?
EVERYBODY GET DOWN.
537
00:32:34,986 --> 00:32:41,659
>> MARK IS FROM ZURICH, SO HE
SPEAKS-- SO THEY GOT TOGETHER.
538
00:32:41,726 --> 00:32:45,196
AND THEY-- MY SON ACTUALLY IS--
HE'S A CINEMATOGRAPHER.
539
00:32:45,263 --> 00:32:47,065
HE'S IN THE CAMERA UNION HERE IN
NEW YORK.
540
00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:50,468
HE WORKS ON CAMERA-- AND THAT'S
WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.
541
00:32:50,535 --> 00:32:53,171
I SAID ASK HIM.
IT WOULD BE A GREAT EXPERIENCE
542
00:32:53,237 --> 00:32:57,075
IF HE DOES A NUMBER OF THINGS.
IF HE LEARNS HIS LINES, KNOWS
543
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:59,911
THE TEXT, HAS AN IDEA, AND SHOWS
UP ON TIME.
544
00:32:59,977 --> 00:33:03,948
IF HE CAN DO THOSE FOUR THINGS,
THAT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF LIKE THE
545
00:33:04,015 --> 00:33:06,718
BASE LEVEL OF BEING AN ACTOR IN
A MOVIE.
546
00:33:06,784 --> 00:33:09,354
>> Stephen: THE ADVICE I HAVE
GIVEN MY KIDS IN GENERAL BEING
547
00:33:09,420 --> 00:33:12,223
IN BUSINESS, IS BE ENTHUSIASTIC
AND COMPETENT.
548
00:33:12,290 --> 00:33:15,326
AND THAT MEANS, BE HAPPY TO BE
THERE, AND NEVER BE LATE.
549
00:33:15,393 --> 00:33:17,061
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S IT.
550
00:33:17,128 --> 00:33:18,596
I SAID YOU'LL WORK FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE.
551
00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:20,431
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
QUALIFIED.
552
00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:24,402
YOU HAVE TO BE COLORFUL.
>> Stephen: I SAY WHEN YOU'RE
553
00:33:24,469 --> 00:33:27,338
REALLY YOUNG AND ON THE JOB,
DON'T BE IMPRESSIVE.
554
00:33:27,405 --> 00:33:29,440
YOU'LL JUST MAKE PEOPLE NERVOUS.
>> YEAH!
555
00:33:29,507 --> 00:33:32,977
>> Stephen: JUST SHOW UP.
>> BY THE WAY, HONESTLY, WHY
556
00:33:33,044 --> 00:33:35,380
PREPARE AT ALL?
IS IT JUST WING THE WHOLE THING.
557
00:33:35,446 --> 00:33:39,117
( LAUGHTER )
YOU,s.
558
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:40,518
>> Stephen: WORKED OUT PRETTY
WELL.
559
00:33:40,585 --> 00:33:51,629
( APPLAUSE )
>> BY THE WAY, CAN WE JUST SAY,
560
00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:56,734
WHO HAS MORE PRESSURE ON THEM?
LOOK HOW MUCH OF THIS HE'S
561
00:33:56,801 --> 00:34:01,038
DRUNK, AND HE'S RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: I'VE DONE A WHOLE
562
00:34:01,105 --> 00:34:04,642
MONOLOGUE.
YOU'RE BACK THERE EATING MY FREE
563
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:08,346
CHEESE.
>> IT'S 5:00 SOMEWHERE, SAYS
564
00:34:08,413 --> 00:34:10,047
STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: MIDNIGHT,
565
00:34:10,114 --> 00:34:11,749
ACTUALLY.
NOW, YOUR CHARACTER, OTTO, IN
566
00:34:11,816 --> 00:34:15,653
THE MOVIE, HAS A QUARTER HE
CARRIES FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL
567
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:16,854
REASONS.
>> FROM 1964.
568
00:34:16,921 --> 00:34:20,558
>> Stephen: I'M CURIOUS IS
THERE ANY TALISMAN OR THING YOU
569
00:34:20,625 --> 00:34:23,261
KEEP WITH YOURSELF?
>> I HAVE A TYPEWRITER FROM A
570
00:34:23,327 --> 00:34:28,466
GREAT MAN WHO I JUST LOST, MIKE
JOHN BEGAT.
571
00:34:28,533 --> 00:34:30,301
HE WAS THE REASON I FIRST MOVED
TO NEW YORK CITY.
572
00:34:30,368 --> 00:34:33,604
I HAD A UNION CARD IN MY POCKET
THAT SAID I WAS A PROFESSIONAL
573
00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:35,506
ACTOR.
HE SAID, "YOU NEED TO BE IN NEW
574
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:37,809
YORK."
SO HE BROUGHT-- WE CAME HERE
575
00:34:37,875 --> 00:34:40,678
TOGETHER.
HE SHEPARDED ME THROUGH-- WE
576
00:34:40,745 --> 00:34:43,948
SHARED AN APARTMENT ON UPPER
91st.
577
00:34:44,015 --> 00:34:46,317
I'M TALKING 1978 NOW.
THE FIRST NIGHT I WAS IN NEW
578
00:34:46,384 --> 00:34:51,022
YORK, WE WENT OUT TO-- WE WALKED
FROM HIS HOUSE ON UPPER
579
00:34:51,088 --> 00:34:55,893
BROADWAY, AND I ACTUALLY SAID TO
HIM, "WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?"
580
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,728
BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY
PEOPLE OUT ON THE STREET, YOU
581
00:34:57,795 --> 00:34:59,730
KNOW.
I THOUGHT IS THERE A HOCKEY GAME
582
00:34:59,797 --> 00:35:03,668
STARTING NEARBY?
IT WAS LIKE,s IS THE CIRCUS IN
583
00:35:03,734 --> 00:35:06,504
TOWN?
"WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?"
584
00:35:06,571 --> 00:35:18,282
OH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
585
00:35:18,349 --> 00:35:28,493
>> Stephen: TO QUOTE A GREAT
MAN, TOM HANKS IS NOT A BIG
586
00:35:28,559 --> 00:35:29,827
DRINKER.
( LAUGHTER ).
587
00:35:29,894 --> 00:35:35,433
>> BY THE WAY, I BELIEVE IN
CERTAIN CULTURES THAT IS GOOD
588
00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:37,468
LUCK.
SO...
589
00:35:37,535 --> 00:35:39,770
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: NO, NO WORRIES AT
590
00:35:39,837 --> 00:35:40,705
ALL.
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.
591
00:35:40,771 --> 00:35:43,741
>> Stephen: I CAN'T TOP THAT,
TOM.
592
00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:47,044
>> BUT WE CAN TOP IT OFF, CAN'T
WE, BIG BOY.
593
00:35:47,111 --> 00:35:52,917
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
594
00:35:52,984 --> 00:36:00,091
>> IS THERE ANYTHING SADDER THAN
A SPILLED DRINK, STEPHEN?"
595
00:36:00,157 --> 00:36:02,627
JUST ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS, THANK
596
00:36:02,693 --> 00:36:07,465
YOU FOR EDUCATING ME TO WHAT
WILL ULTIMATELY BE MY DOWNFALL.
597
00:36:07,532 --> 00:36:12,670
COCA-COLA AND CHAMPAGNE.
"A MAN CALLED OTTO" IS IN
598
00:36:12,737 --> 00:36:15,573
THEATERS NOW.
IT'S TOM HANKS, EVERYBODY.
599
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,174
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY
600
00:36:17,241 --> 00:36:19,410
RACHAEL & VILRAY.
601
00:36:26,551 --> 00:36:28,619
>> Stephen: PERFORMING, "IS A
GOOD MAN REAL?" FROM THEIR
602
00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:32,223
ALBUM, "I LOVE A LOVE SONG,"
BACKED BY THE HUNTERTONES AND
603
00:36:32,290 --> 00:36:36,661
THE LATE SHOW BAND, RACHAEL &
VILRAY.
604
00:36:36,727 --> 00:36:44,669
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ I'VE NEVER KNOWN ONE
605
00:36:44,735 --> 00:36:54,912
WHAT DO THEY DO?
♪ WE'VE ALL HEARD THE LEGENDS
606
00:36:54,979 --> 00:36:58,349
BUT CAN THEY BE TRUE?
♪ MY COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND'S
607
00:36:58,416 --> 00:37:06,557
BOYFRIEND
♪ ONCE NEARLY COOKED A MEAL
608
00:37:06,624 --> 00:37:17,034
SO IS A GOOD MAN REAL?
♪ DOES HE TRY TO REMEMBER
609
00:37:17,101 --> 00:37:24,609
WHAT HIS OLD LADY SAID?
♪ WHEN HE SLEEPS IN ON TUESDAYS
610
00:37:24,675 --> 00:37:32,950
DOES HE STRAIGHTEN THE BED?
♪ ONCE HE'S HAD THREE MARTINIS
611
00:37:33,017 --> 00:37:46,430
HE'LL LET YOU TAKE THE WHEEL
OH, IS A GOOD MAN REAL?
612
00:37:46,497 --> 00:37:51,235
♪ I'VE NEVER SEEN A NARWHAL
THE UNICORN OF THE SEA
613
00:37:51,302 --> 00:37:56,340
♪ BUT IF GOD MADE WHALES
AND PUT HORNS ON THE MALES
614
00:37:56,407 --> 00:38:01,045
♪ MAYBE HE'D PUT A HEART IN A
GUY FOR ME
615
00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:08,986
♪ HE DON'T NEED MONEY
I SAID GOOD NOT PERFECT
616
00:38:09,053 --> 00:38:17,728
♪ I'LL SETTLE FOR HONEY
AND A QUARTERLY DATE
617
00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:26,404
♪ SO IF YOU SEE THIS TREASURE
PLEASE LET HIM KNOW HOW I FEEL
618
00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:37,481
♪ I HOPE A GOOD MAN'S REAL
♪ ♪ ♪
619
00:38:37,548 --> 00:38:48,893
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
620
00:38:48,959 --> 00:38:56,967
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
621
00:38:57,034 --> 00:39:07,111
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I'VE NEVER SEEN A NARWHAL
622
00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:13,150
THE UNICORN OF THE SEA
♪ BUT IF GOD MADE WHALES
623
00:39:13,217 --> 00:39:17,354
AND PUT HORNS ON THE MALES
♪ MAYBE HE'D PUT A HEART IN A
624
00:39:17,421 --> 00:39:29,967
GUY FOR ME
♪ HE DON'T NEED MONEY
625
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:41,645
I'LL SETTLE FOR FUNNY
♪ SO IF YOU SEE THIS SUCKER
626
00:39:41,712 --> 00:39:56,293
PLEASE LET HIM KNOW HOW I FEEL
I HOPE A GOOD MAN'S REAL
627
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:59,430
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
628
00:39:59,497 --> 00:40:10,941
♪ I REALLY WONDER
IS A GOOD MAN REAL?
629
00:40:11,008 --> 00:40:19,617
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
630
00:40:19,683 --> 00:40:22,186
BEAUTIFUL AS ALWAYS.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
631
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,922
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
RACHAEL & VILRAY, EVERYBODY!
632
00:40:24,989 --> 00:40:27,024
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
GOOD NIGHT.