♪ ♪ ♪ >> KEVIN McCARTHY IS EXPECTED
TO LOSE THIS FIRST ROUND OF BALLOTS.
>> BY RULE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO GO IMMEDIATELY TO ANOTHER VOTE.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> A SECOND VOTE WAS REQUIRED.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> AND THE THIRD VOTE, HE LOSES
ANOTHER ONE. >> ANOTHER ONE.
>> HOUSE MAKERS YESTERDAY TRIED FOR A FOURTH.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> FIFTH.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> AND SIXTH TIME.
>> I AIN'T NEVER GOING TO STOP. >> SEVENTH.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> AN EIGHTH VOTE NOW UNDER WAY.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> THE NINTH VOTE.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> THE TENTH VOTE.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> THE 11TH TIME.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> 12TH ROUND.
>> AND ANOTHER ONE. >> 13.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> 14.
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> THEY'RE HEADED TO--
>> ANOTHER ONE. >> MCCARTHY FINALLY LOCKING UP
THE HOUSE SPEAKERSHIP. >> THE CONCESSIONS TO THE RIGHT
THAT LED TO HIS VICTORY COULD LEAVE HIM THE WEAKEST SPEAKER IN
MODERN HISTORY. >> CONGRATULATIONS, YOU PLAYED
YOURSELF.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: TOM HANKS
AND MUSICAL GUEST RACHAEL & VILRAY
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PLACE.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY MONDAY, BABY.
HAPPY MONDAY, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE VERY KIND. WELCOME,s WELCOME, ONE AND
ALL, DOWN HERE, UP THERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE HAD A LITTLE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WITH KEVIN McCARTHY BEING DRAGGED BY A TEAM OF HORSES
THROUGH A FIELD FILLED WITH BROKEN GLASS, BUT ALL GOOD
THINGS MUST COME TO AN END. BECAUSE, ON THE 15th VOTE, KEVIN
McCARTHY WAS FINALLY ELECTED SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE.
THAT FINAL VOTE WAS NOT COMPLETE UNTIL 12:29 A.M. ON SATURDAY
MORNING. A TIME FAMOUS FOR GOOD
DECISIONS. "WE JUST ELECTED A SPEAKER.
I'M GONNA DRUNK DIAL MY EX AND EAT THIS WEEK-OLD SUSHI."
IT ALL CAME DOWN TO THE VOTE OF FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MIDDLE
SCHOOLER GOING IN FOR HIS FIRST KISS, MATT GAETZ.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Louis: OH, GOD.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT TIMING.
THAT WAS NICE. McCARTHY THOUGHT HE HAD IT IN
THE BAG, BUT IN ORDER TO WIN, HE NEEDED GAETZ TO VOTE FOR HIM.
INSTEAD, AT THE VERY END OF THE 14th BALLOT, GAETZ VOTED
"PRESENT." THAT MUST HAVE UPSET A LOT OF
PEOPLE, BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN BEING REMINDED THAT
MATT GAETZ IS IN THE ROOM. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER THAT, ALL PLUE PERFECT HELL BROKE LOOSE.
A FURIOUS McCARTHY GOT OUT OF HIS SEAT, WALKED UP THE AISLE,
AND GOT INTO A YELLING MATCH WITH GAETZ.
MEEOOWTCH! GET A SAUCER OF MILK.
YOU CAN CATCH ALL THE DRAMA ON THE NEW BRAVO HIT: "THE REAL
HOUSE GUYS OF D.C." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO! "I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I'M KEVIN McCARTHY, AND NO ONE WILL BE MY FRIEND."
THEN, IT GOT EVEN DRAMATIC-ER, WHEN McCARTHY ALLY MIKE ROGERS
APPROACH THE SCRUM AND THEN-- WHERE IT IS, RIGHT HERE-- AND
APPEARED TO LUNGE AT MATT GAETZ, AND THEN
WAS QUICKLY PULLED AWAY. OH, MY GOD.
I DON'T KNOW IF MEN SHOULD HOLD POLITICAL OFFICE.
THEY'RE JUST TOO EMOTIONAL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE JUST... HORMONES, I GUESS.
I JUST-- IT'S JUST-- IT'S THE DAMN-- IT'S THEIR DAMN HORMONES.
( LAUGHTER ) MOMENT FROM ANOTHER ANGLE?
WOW. I UNDERSTAND PULLING AWAY.
BUT WHY IS HE COVERING HIS MOUTH?
WHAT WAS ROGERS ABOUT TO SAY THAT THEY HAD TO STOP HIM?
"LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE ENDING OF SEASON TWO OF "WHITE
LOTUS"! ( APPLAUSE )
THAT TO McCARTHY WINNING IN JUST A MATTER OF MINUTES?
WELL, ONE PERSON WHO WOULD LIKE CREDIT FOR IT IS FORMER
PRESIDENT FORREST DUMP. SORRY, TOM.
SEE YOU LATER. WITH THE HOUSE ON THE BRINK OF
ADJOURNING YET AGAIN WITH NO SPEAKER FOR THE WEEKEND, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT CLAIMS TO HAVE TAKEN MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS
AFTER THE 14th VOTE AND CALLED THE McCARTHY HOLDOUTS, LEADING
TO THIS PICTURE OF MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE PASSING HER PHONE
AROUND SO PEOPLE COULD SPEAK TO A CALLER IDENTIFIED AS "D.T."
OF COURSE, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE HERE, SO
THAT COULD EITHER STAND FOR HIS INITIALS OR "DA TRESIDENT."
( LAUGHTER ) DAAA, DAAA TRESIDENT.
AFTER THE VOTE, McCARTHY WAS BEAMING.
HERE HE IS AFTER HIS VICTORY, SHOWING HIS PARTY WHAT THEY GET
TO SPEND THE NEXT TWO YEARS REPEATEDLY BANGING ON HIS
NUTSACK WITH. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S GOING TO BE ROUGH. IT'S GOING TO BE A ROUGH RIDE.
>> Louis: OH, GOD. HERE WE GO.
>> Stephen: HE BETTER WEAR A CUP.
IT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE ROUGH. IN THE MIDST OF THE
CLUSTERMUNCH, McCARTHY EXPLAINED WHY THE EMBARRASSING
SPECTACLE WE WERE ALL WITNESSING WAS ACTUALLY NOT.
>> SEE, THIS IS THE GREAT PART. BECAUSE IT TOOK THIS LONG, NOW
WE LEARNED HOW TO GOVERN. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: REALLY? JUST THIS LAST WEEK IS WHEN YOU
LEARNED HOW TO GOVERN? THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T LEARN THROUGH TRIAL AND ERROR AT THE LAST MINUTE.
IT'S LIKE A SURGEON SAYING, "WHELP, IT TOOK ME 15 TRIES TO
OPEN MY CAPRI SUN, BUT THIS TRIPLE BYPASS SHOULD BE A SNAP!
NOW, WHERE'S THE PIECE OF FOIL ON YOUR CHEST WHERE I POKE THE
STRAW?" ( LAUGHTER )
THE. JIM JORDAN ALSO HOPPED ON THE
POSITIVITY TRAIN, EXPLAINING THAT THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE
SUPPOSED TO WORK. >> SO SOMETIMES DEMOCRACY IS
MESSY, BUT I WOULD ARGUE THAT'S EXACTLY HOW THE FOUNDERS
INTENDED IT. >> Stephen: OH, EVERYONE KNOWS
THE FOUNDERS LOVED CHAOS. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE PREAMBL:
"WE THE PEOPLE, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE BAM WHAP WHAP SCREW YOU
MADISON, I'M WRITING THE CONSTITUTION NOW!
EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER THE NAME CHARLES COTESWORTH
PINCKNEY. OW, MY EYE!"
( LAUGHTER ) QUICK PROGRAMMING--
( APPLAUSE ) QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: I HAVE A
PROGRAM. CHECK IT OUT.
YOU MIGHT LIKE IT. YOU MIGHT LIKE IT ESPECIALLY
TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF
SUSSEX. PRINCE HARRY WILL BE HERE TO
TALK ALL ABOUT HIS NEW MEMOIR, "SPARE," ALSO AVAILABLE IN
AUDIOBOOK AND COMMEMORATIVE PLATE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE READ THE BOOK.
IT'S VERY ENJOYABLE. QUITE EMOTIONAL.
QUITE REVEALING. I'M GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH TO
TALK ABOUT WITH HIS HARRYNESS. FOR INSTANCE, THE STUFF HE
TALKED ABOUT WITH ANDERSON COOPER, INCLUDING THIS HIGH
SCHOOL MEMORY BETWEEN HIM AND HIS BROTHER THAT'S STRAIGHT
OUT OF THE OLDER SIBLING PLAYBOOK.
>> YOUR BROTHER TOLD YOU, "PRETEND WE DON'T KNOW EACH
OTHER." >> YEAH, AND AT THE TIME IT
HURT. I COULDN'T MAKE SENSE OF IT.
WE'RE NOW AT THE SAME SCHOOL. "LIKE, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR
AGES. NOW WE GET TO HANG OUT
TOGETHER." HE'S LIKE, "NO, NO.
WHEN WE'RE AT SCHOOL, WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER."
AND I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY. >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S
HEARTBREAKING. TO BE REJECTED BY HIS OLDER
BROTHER AT SCHOOL, EVEN THOUGH THAT MAGIC HAT SORTED THEM INTO
THE SAME HOUSE. WHAT DO YOU THINK.
THE BOOK ALSO CONTAINS A RATHER CRISP DESCRIPTION OF HARRY'S
OLDER BROTHER. >> YOU WRITE ABOUT A CONTENTIOUS
MEETING YOU HAD WITH HIM IN 2021.
YOU SAID, "I LOOKED AT WILLY, REALLY LOOKED AT HIM MAYBE FOR
THE FIRST TIME SINCE WE WERE BOYS.
I TOOK IT ALL IN-- HIS FAMILIAR SCOWL, WHICH HAD ALWAYS BEEN HIS
DEFAULT IN DEALINGS WITH ME; HIS ALARMING BALDNESS, MORE ADVANCED
THAN MY OWN; HIS FAMOUS RESEMBLANCE TO MOMMY, WHICH WAS
FADING WITH TIME, WITH AGE." IT'S PRETTY CUTTING.
>> I DON'T SEE IT AS CUTTING AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) WILLIAM'S SO BALD, HE DOESN'T
NEED ANY CUTTING! AM I RIGHT?
AM I RIGHT, HARRY? COME ON, UP TOP, BABY!
DON'T LEAVE ME IN THE TOWER OF LONDON UP HERE!
TUNE IN TOMORROW TO FIND OUT IF HE LEAVES ME HANGIN'.
( LAUGHTER ) AND CONFLICT THERE'S A HUGE
STORY OUT OF BRAZIL, THE COUNTRY WHOSE MOTTO IS:
"PORTUGUESE. WE SPEAK 'PORTUGUESE.'"
THEY JUST HAD A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, AND THE LOSER WAS
FAR-RIGHT POLITICIAN AND TURTLE WHO JUST SAW YOU DROP A BABY
CARROT, JAIR BOLSONARO. BOLSONARO CLAIMED HE LOST
BECAUSE OF VOTER FRAUD. NOW, IF THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR,
THIS WILL, TOO. YESTERDAY, BOLSONARO SUPPORTERS
RIOTED, STORMING BRAZIL'S CONGRESS AND PRESIDENTIAL
OFFICE. NO, NO, I CAN'T WATCH THIS MOVIE
AGAIN! I KNOW HOW IT ENDS: WITH ALL OF
US SUDDENLY LIKING BRAZILIAN LIZ CHENEY.
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T-- I CAN'T-- LIKE HER
AGAIN! I CAN'T!
THIS IS MY EMOTION! SEE MY EMOTION?
THE RIOTERS WERE EVENTUALLY CLEARED OUT, BUT IT WAS A DARK
DAY FOR BRAZILIAN DEMOCRACY, LEADING EXPERTS TO SAY,
"JANUARY 8 IS BRAZIL'S JANUARY 6."
JUST LIKE OUR JANUARY 6, THE BRAZILIAN INSURRECTION HAD
RIOTERS STORMING THE HALLS, ATTACKING COPS WITH FLAGPOLES,
AND SMASHING WINDOWS. WAIT A SECOND, THEY'RE ALREADY
INSIDE. WHY ARE THEY GOING AFTER THE
WINDOWS? THEY'RE GONNA GET CHARGED WITH
"BREAKING AND EXITING!" THE SIMILARITIES DON'T END
THERE. VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA APPEARED
TO SHOW A PROTESTER ABOUT TO DEFECATE INSIDE A ROOM AT THE
SUPREME COURT. OH, NO.
NOW THEY'LL HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE-- MADAME PELOSI, CAN YOU
HELP ME OUT? >> THE POO POO
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SORRY.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S BRAZIL. CAN YOU DO IT "AYM
PORTUGUES?" >> "O COCO."
>> Stephen: OBRIGADO. ONE OF THE REASONS THIS FELT
LIKE A DEJA-COUP WAS BECAUSE WHEN BOLSONARO WAS TRYING TO
FIND A WAY TO SPIN HIS ELECTION LOSS, HIS ALLIES MET WITH SOME
OF OUR FORMER PRESIDENT'S ADVISERS, INCLUDING STEVE
BANNON. OH, NO!
STEVE BANNON'S GONE BRAZILIAN? REGULAR STEVE BANNON WAS BAD
ENOUGH. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HIM IN A
THONG. ( LAUGHTER )
GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT CREATED AN IMAGE OF STEVE BANNON IN A
THONG-- ( APPLAUSE )
BROADCASTING IT WOULD VIOLATE THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS.
I'D BE HAULED BEFORE THE HAGUE. IS HOW DID THE AMERICANS TEACH
THE CIVILIANS HOW TO INSERECT JUST LIKE US.
WERE YOU INSPIRED BY THE JANUARY 6 RIOTERS BUT WEREN'T SURE HOW
TO IN A NONENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRY?
NOW YOU CAN WITH CUOLINGO. WHETHER IT'S IN SPANISH...
GERMAN... CHINESE... OR EVEN SWEDISH...
MIKE-A-PENCE, MURDER, MURDER, MURDER.
>> WE HAVE HELPED THOUSANDS GO FROM HUNTING SPEAKERS-- WHERE
ARE YOUINANCY? >> TO LANGUAGE SPEAKERS.
>> TRY CUOLINGO TODAY. AVAILABLE IN MOST LANGUAGES,
EXCEPT WHAT THIS IS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS A YOUNG MAN NAMED
TOM HANKS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
( APPLAUSE ) GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND,
EVERYBODY. LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW
BAND. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Louis: STEPHEN. >> Stephen: OH, LOUIS.
>> Louis: OH, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: DID YOU DO
ANYTHING-- DID YOU DO ANYTHING FUN THIS WEEKEND?
ANYBODY DO ANYTHING FUN OVER THERE?
YEAH? ANYBODY?
>> Louis: I TOOK A NAP. >> Stephen: OH!
>> Louis: OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS
FANTASTIC. I DID VERY LITTLE THIS WEEKEND
OTHER THAN READ PRINCE HARRY'S BOOK.
>> Louis: YOU READ THE BOOK? >> Stephen: YEAH, I REALLY
ENJOYED IT. IT'S 400 PAGES BUT IT KIND OF
FLIES. IT'S A REALLY EASY READ.
>> Louis: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE JUICY.
>> Stephen: IT'S JUICY, SAD AT PARTS, FASCINATING AT PARTS.
I'M NOT A ROYAL WATCHER BUT IT'S A FASCINATING FAMILY DYNAMIC.
TAKE AWAY FROM THE CROWNS AND THE FOOTMEN AND THE CASTLES AND
EVERYTHING, IT'S STILL A FASCINATING STORY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY TONIGHT FOR TOM HANKS.
TOM HANKS IS COMING OUT TONIGHT. >> Louis: OH, MY GOSH.
A SONG I DID NOT UPON BEFORE I HEARD YOU HUMMING IT IN
REHEARSAL. >> Stephen: WHAT.
>> Louis: SHOULD I TELL YOU? >> Stephen: I'LL FIND OUT WHEN
HE COMES OUT. AND THE GREAT MR. TOM HANKS WILL
BE HERE, AND TWO OF MY FAVORITE ARTISTS, RACHAEL & VILRAY WILL
BE OUT HERE TONIGHT. >> Louis: EXTRAORDINARY.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME,
RIGHT OVER THERE, PAINSTAKINGLY MIXING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS
COLORS LIKE AZURITE, INDIGO, AND LAPIS LAZULI IN CONTRASTING HUES
OF LIGHT AND DARK USING CHIAROSCURO, PERFECTLY CAPTURING
THE LIGHT FALLOFF PROVIDED BY MY CAMERA OBSCURA TO CREATE FOR YOU
THE VERMEER MASTERPIECE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I HAND OVER A SET OF FINGERPAINTS TO A ZOO GORILLA
AND LET HIM SLAP UP THE FERAL CINDERBLOCK MURAL OF NEWS THAT
IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). DRIVE THAT TRAIN.
MEANWHILE, IT DRIVES THE TRAIN. ( APPLAUSE )
REQUIRING GOVERNMENT I.D. TO ACCESS ONLINE PORN
WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA BE A PROBLEM.
ALL PORN USERS ARE 100% PROUD OF THE PORN THEY CHOOSE TO WATCH:
"MY NAME, GARY RODERICK SANDERSON, AND I WANT TO LOOK AT
NUDE LIBRARIANS LIFTING HEAVY THINGS.
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER 551-23-69."
( LAUGHTER ) SECURITY NUMBER.
WHEN TRYING TO ACCESS THESE SITES, USERS WILL FIRST BE
DIRECTED TO A THIRD-PARTY IDENTITY VERIFICATION SITE,
WHICH THEN CONNECTS TO A DIGITAL DRIVER'S LICENSE FOR
LOUISIANANS. BECAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE
MOOD FASTER THAN MULTI-FACTOR AUTHENTICATION.
( LAUGHTER ) MY I.D.s UP FRONT...
AND BACK. NOW, TO FIND EVERY PICTURE OF A
TRAFFIC LIGHT... YOU LIKE HOW I CLICK THAT, BABY?
OH, I AM NOT A ROBOT." THE NEW LAW WILL AFFECT "PORN
PUBLISHERS," WHICH LOUISIANA DEFINES AS ANY WEBSITE WITH
MORE THAN ONE-THIRD PORNOGRAPHIC CONTENT.
SO YOU'RE STILL GOOD TO GO, TRADITIONAL CAJUN SMUT SITE
TWO CRAWDADS AND A DILF.COM. JACKED.
THAT GUY IS JACKED. MEANWHILE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WALL STREET, WHERE GOLDMAN SACHS
BANKERS ARE REALLY BUMMED OVER THE LOSS OF THEIR FREE COFFEE
PERK. WHAT, NO COFFEE?
NOW HOW ARE WALL STREET GUYS SUPPOSED TO GET THEIR MORNING
ENERGY? COCAINE?
AND I AM BEING TOLD, ABSOLUTELY IT WILL BE COCAINE.
MEANWHILE, A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE WAS FOUND IN A FLORIDA RIVER
AFTER 39 YEARS, WITH A NOTE THAT READ, "IF YOU ARE THE PERSON
THAT FOUND THIS BOTTLE, PLEASE SEND A NOTE TO RON CLARK."
THEY DID SO, AND RON CLARK RESPONDED, "NEW BOTTLE, WHO
DIS?" ( LAUGHTER )
TOOK 39 YEARS FOR HIM TO RESPOND, 39 YEARS MORE TO
RESPOND. MEANWHILE, IN CANADA,
A PIGEON WEARING CRYSTAL METH LIKE A BACKPACK WAS CAUGHT
INSIDE A PRISON YARD. YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT IT IN
THE NEW HIT DRAMA, "BREAKING BIRD."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Louis: REALLY.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. >> Louis: SO GOOD.
>> Stephen: I AM THE ONE WHO SQUAWKS.
MEANWHILE, IN YOUNG PEOPLE TRENDS, GEN Z IS OBSESSED WITH
OLD-FASHIONED FLIP PHONES, WITH SOME SAYING, "I THINK THAT ERA
WAS FUN." OH, SURE, SOUNDS FUN, UNLESS YOU
LIVED THROUGH THAT HELL! BACK THEN, IT WAS ALL PALM
PILOTS AND FLOPPY DISCS AND WAITING FOR THE LITTLE YELLOW
A.O.L. MAN TO DIAL UP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ASK JEEVES. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN TRAVEL NEWS, A BRITISH HOTEL CHAIN HAS
REVEALED TS LIST OF LOST-AND-FOUND ITEMS, WHICH
INCLUDE A SEAGULL, SEGWAY SCOOTERS, A FOUR-FOOT-TALL
GINGERBREAD MAN, AND A PAIR OF DONKEYS.
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. THAT'S WHY, BEFORE I LEAVE THE
HOUSE, I ALWAYS CHECK TO MAKE SURE I HAVE MY WALLET, MY PHONE,
AND MY 'KEYS, WHICH IS SHORT FOR MY "DONKEYS."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM HANKS.
♪ THE SYSCO KID WAS A FRIEND OF MINE ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
THERE YOU GO. FOLKS, YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN OSCAR WINNER WHO HAS BEEN STARRING IN
YOUR FAVORITE FILMS FOR OVER THREE DECADES.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MR. TOM HANKS.
♪ I'M THE LINEMAN FOR THE COUNTY >> CISCO KID!
( APPLAUSE ) WOW!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. CAN I JUST-- YOU KNOW, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU. TURN OFF THE SIGN.
YES, YES.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU-- YOU REMEMBER-- YOU
REMEMBER ME FROM THE DAYS WHEN WE ALL HAD VHS MACHINES.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. HOW WAS THE HOLIDAYS?
>> IT WAS ROCKIN', YOU KNOW. WE RIPPED IT UP.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY STAY HEALTHY AND EVERYTHING LIKE
THAT? >> YEAH, WE TOOK TESTS EVERY
SEVEN HOURS AND THEY CAME BACK WITH ONLY ONE LINE ON THEM.
ALL THE KIDS GOT TO STAY. IT WAS KIND OF NICE.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU STARTED A NEW-- A NEW HANKS
FAMILY TRADITION, AND I'D LIKE TO GET AN INTRODUCTION TO IT.
>> THE CHRISTMAS SEASON BEGAN FOR US-- BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY SAW
YOUR MUSICAL GUEST TONIGHT RACHAEL & VILRAY.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY. >> THEY'RE FABULOUS.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC. YOU'RE NICE TO HAVE HERE, BUT
THAT'S EXCITING. >> BY THE WAY, I BOUGHT ALL
THEIR RECORDS. I WENT ON iTUNES
♪ YOU BETTER TREAT ME SPECIAL ♪ SO WE SAW THEM, AND WE WERE AT
THE CAFE CARLISLE, WHICH IS A GREAT PLACE TO GO.
MY WIFE HAD PLAYED THERE, RITA HAD PLAYED THERE WITH THE BAND
AND THEY WERE THE NEXT ACT. WE HAD A CELEBRATORY BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE BROUGHT BY. DESPITE A COUPLE OF EVENINGS
I'VE HAD WITH YOU, WHICH ENDED UP WITH FIST FIGHTS IN FRONT OF
MICKEY MANTLE'S RESTAURANT. "YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT FUNNY IS, STEPHEN COLBERT."
I'M NOT A BIG DRINKER. I USUALLY HAVE A DIET COKE,
BECAUSE IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A LONG ENOUGH DISCO NAP, YOU'RE
GOING TO FALL ASLEEP AROUND 11:45.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE. >> I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF
CAFFEINE, DIET COKE IN A GLASS. >> Stephen: RIGHT THERE AT THE
CARLISLE. >> THEY BROUGHT THE CHAMPAGNE
AROUND, LIKE THE LAST EPISODE OF "THE BACHELOR."
AND I JUST HAD THIS DIET COKE. AND I SAID, "GIVE ME A SHOT OF
CHAMPAGNE IN THERE." >> Stephen: IN THE DIET COKE?
>> IN THE DIET COKE. AND EVERYBODY SAID, "YOU ARE
INSANE." I SAID I MAY BE INSANE BUT I
WANT TO CELL BRAPT THE SEASON. I HAD A SIP OF THIS.
STEPHEN, IT WAS DELICIOUS GLI HEARD THIS STORY, SO I WANTED--
I WANTED TO SEE-- DIET COKE FIRST?
>> JUST DIET COKE. >> Stephen: DIET COKE FIRST?
HOW MUCH? HOW MUCH?
>> I DRANK-- I HAD IT DOWN TO ABOUT A THIRD OF MY DIET COKE.
IF THAT MAKES SENSE. >> IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
COCA-COLA. IT CAN BE ANY COLA PRODUCT.
>> Stephen: BUT DIET. >> YEAH, BECAUSE I'M TYPE TWO
DIABETES. WHAT'S BETTER THAN TYPE TWO
DIABETES THAN A SHOT OF CHAMPAGNE IN YOUR DIET COKE.
>> Stephen: I TOP IT OFF HERE. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE FOLKS
INTENDED. THIS RECIPE CAN ALSO BE FOUND IN
"THE BOOK OF THE REVELATION." >> THAT'S RIGHT.
FIRST OF ALL, LOOK AT THE COLOR. >> Stephen: IT'S GORGEOUS.
>> IS IT NOT KIND OF GORGEOUS. I WANT TO SAY HAPPY 2023.
>> Stephen: HAPPY 2023. ( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY AT THE TABLE TRIED IT. THEY SAID "OH,, YOU KNOW, WHAT,
DAD? THAT'S PRETTY GOOD."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A TOM COLLINS.
WE HAVE THE TOM HANKS. >> GOOD, GOOD.
>> Stephen: SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I DIDN'T KNOW.
>> WE WERE DEBATING WHAT THE NAME OF IT SHOULD BE, AND I CAME
UP WITH I BECAUSE IT IS COKE AND CHAMPAGNE.
SO IT'S OBVIOUSLY DIET COCAINE. COKAGNE.
I DON'T MIND -- >> Stephen: THAT'S QUITE
PLEASANT. >> WHAT'S THE OTHER NAME YOU
SAID? >> Stephen: TOM HANKS.
>> WELL, LET'S GO WITH THAT. ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. >> Stephen: IT'S REALLY, IT'S
REALLY-- IT'S STRANGELY, STRIKINGLY, SHAMEFULLY GOOD.
IT'S SO REFRESHING. YOU GET THAT LITTLE CAFFEINE,
TOO, MAN. KEEPS YOU GOING THROUGH THE
CHAMPAGNE. >> YOU'LL POLISH BOTH OF THEM
OFF, THE SIX PACK AND THE MAGNUM.
>> Stephen: I CAN FINISH A DIET COKE.
I'M NO LIGHTWEIGHT. I CAN FINISH A DIET COKE.
>> A TWO-FISTS COKE DRINKER. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE TOM
HANKS. I CAN'T BELIEVE..
>>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF
THE NEW MOVIE "A MAN CALLED OTTO."
MR. TOM HANKS. THE NEW FILM IS "A MAN CALLED
OTTO." YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE, RITA,
PRODUCED THIS FILM, DEVELOPED IT FROM A SWEDISH FILM "A MAN
CALLED OVE." TELL THE GOOD PEOPLE WHAT IT'S
ABOUT. >> IT'S ABOUT THE CRANK IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD. IT'S ABOUT THE GUY IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD WHO SAYS, "GET OFF MY LAWN.
KEEP THAT DOG AWAY FROM ME. YOU CAN'T PARK THERE.
DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, THAT THE
RECYCLABLES ARE CLEARLY DELINEATED.
THE PLASTIC GOES IN THE PLASTIC BIN!
THE CANS GO IN THE CAN, CAN! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY CAN YOU NOT SEPARATE THESE THINGS THE WAY THEY NEED TO BE
SEPARATED? THAT'S WHO THE MAN IS.
PLEUZ. >> Stephen: THAT'S INVESTMENT.
THAT'S EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT. >> BY THE WAY, ARE YOU THE OTTO
IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD? THE STEPHEN COLBERT GUY.
DOES EVIE COME OUT -- >> Stephen: SHE'S THE MUSCLE.
>> "A WOMAN NAMED EVIE." CAREFUL NOW.
THERE'S A REASON HE IS THIS WAY. AND WHAT HAPPENS IS A FABULOUS--
THE ACTRESS MARIANA TREVINO, WHO IS A HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, HUGE
ACTRESS-- ACTOR IN MEXICO, IS IN IT.
SHE MOVES ACROSS THE STREET, AND ALL HELL BUSTS LOOSE.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A CLIP HERE.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A STICK SHIFT AUTOMOBILE.
WHICH IS INSANITY TO A MAN CALLED OTTO.
WHO CANNOT DRIVE-- FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO
DRIVE A CAR. IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE A STICK, YOU
ARE NOT ACTUALLY DRIVING A CAR. SO HE SAYS, "I WILL TEACH YOU
HOW TO DRIVE THIS CAR." A STICK.
>> Stephen: JIM. >> JUST WAIT FOR THE GREEN
LIGHT. AND HERE WE GO.
PRESS IN ON THE CLUTCH. AND GIVE IT A LITTLE GAS.
SLOWLY LET OUT-- YOU'RE NOT IN GEAR
( HORNS HONKING ) ) YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN THE KEY.
>> OH, MY GOSH. >> SLOWLY LET OUT THE CLUTCH.
LISTEN TO ME. YOU HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO TO
CHILDREN. YOU LEARNED A NEW LANGUAGE.
YOU WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE.
PLY GOD, THE SWORLD FULL OF COMPLETE IDIOTS WHO HAVE MANAGED
TO FIGURE IT OUT, AND YOU ARE NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT.
SO CLUTCH, SHIFT,s GAS,s DRIVE.
AAAAH! >> AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. >> Stephen: IT'S A MESSAGE OF
HOPE IS WHAT IT IS. >> AS I HAVE INSTRUCTED IT'S
ONLY THING-- WHO HERE CANNOT DRIVE A STICK SHIFT?
LET'S SEE THE HAND. OH, YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS, FOR
CRYING OUT LOUD. WHAT COUNTRY DID YOU GROW UP IN?
THE SECRET OF DRIVING IS DON'T BE IN THIRD.
THAT'S ONLY THING-- YOU'RE IN THIRD --
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO REASON TO EVER BE IN THIRD?
>> YOU'RE IN THIRD, YOU'RE IN THIRD.
ALL RIGHT, CLUTCH IN, THE BRAKE AT THE SAME TIME, PUT IT IN
GEAR, AND LET THE CLUTCH OUT SLOWLY.
YOU'RE IN THIRD. YOU'RE IN THIRD GEAR.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER LEARNING?
LIKE THE CAR? >> YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU, BACK
WHEN-- A COUPLE OF YEARS AFTER "BOSOM BUDDIES "AND I HAD MONEY
IN THE BANK," WIWANT TO THE CRACK STAFF BUSINESS MANAGER AND
SAID, "CAN I BUY ANY CAR I WANT NOW?"
THEY HAD,s, ACTUALLY, YEAH, YOU PRETTY MUCH CAN."
I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A VOLKSWAGEN CAMPER THAT HAD A
STEERING WHEEL -- >> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU BOUGHT A LAMBORGHINI. >> IT HAD A STEERING WHEEL TRULY
THIS BIG, AND THE GEAR SHIFT WHICH WAS A STICK WAS OVER HERE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAD TO GET UP AND WALK TO IT.
>> ALMOST LIKE THAT. AND YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED
PANIC UNTIL A HILL IN SAN FRANCISCO AND A STOP LIGHT, AND
YOU HAVE TO NOT ONLY GET IT-- BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE HEEL AND
THE TOE WITH THE BRAKE AND THE ACCELERATOR AND SLOWLY LET OUT.
AND YOU HAVE TO BE IN FIRST GE GEAR.
>> Stephen: THE PROBLEM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE IN FIRST GERK
BECAUSE THE CAR I LEARNED TO DRIVE STICK ON WAS WHEN I WAS
DOING A CONSTRUCTION JOB ONE SUMMER BETWEEN MY JUNIOR AND
SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. AND THE OWNER I HAD TO DRIVE
HIS TRUCK TO GET SUPPLIES. IT DIDN'T HAVE A FIRST GEAR.
IT WAS COMPLETELY BURNED OUT. >> OH, BURNED OUT GLI HAD TO
START IN SECOND-- GEAR WHICH MEANT YOU HAD TO GET THE R.P.s
UP, LIKE THE BOMB WAS ABOUT TO EXPLODE, AND YOU HAD TO TAKE
YOUR FOOT OFF THE CLUTCH LIKE YOU WERE DEFUSING A NUCLEAR
WEAPON. >> YOU HAD TO GET ROLLING A
LITTLE BIT. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
ALL I KNOW IS I COULD NOT TAKE MY FOOT OFF THE CLUTCH SLOWLY
ENOUGH TO MAKE IT WORK. >> I BELIEVE THAT'S HOW JAMES
BOND WAS ALMOST KILLED IN A MOVIE.
>> Stephen: YES. THE SECRET SERVICE, EXACTLY.
>> THIS ASTON MARTON HAS NOTICE FIRST GEAR, MR. BOND.
AND YOU WILL BE DRIVING DOWN THE AUTOBAHN.
YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK? NO, MR. BOND, I EXPECT YOU TO
DIE. >> Stephen: DID YOU ENJOY,
PEOPLE-- >> HOLD ON ONE SECOND, WILL YOU?
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S BEEN SUCH A DAY.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH. PEOPLE ARE UNDER THE MISTAKEN
IMPRESSION THAT YOU'RE A PLEASANT PERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) SATISFYING TO PLAY A GRUMPY
PERSON, TO LET IT ALL OUT? >> HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO SMASH
THE TV REMOTE AGAINST THE WALL AND STORM OUT OF THE ROOM?
THIS WAS LIKE THAT FOR ME EVERY DAY.
IT WAS MAGNIFICENT, MAGNIFICENT, SATISFYING MOMENT, JUST LET
OUT-- LET OUT THE CRANK. BECAUSE ALMOST-- WHEN I'M AROUND
THE HOUSE, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT I'VE GONE OFF THE DEEP END WHEN
I BEGIN A CONVERSATION WITH THIS PHRASE, "LET ME GET THIS
STRAIGHT." "OH, HERE GOES DAD.
WHAT DID WE DO, DAD? DID WE LEAVE THE RICE POT IN THE
SINK NOT SCRUBBED OUT? DID WE-- ."
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE LEVEL OF CRISIS?
>> IT'S MASSIVE WITH ME. "LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT."
NOTHING WORKS FOR ME-- THAT'S THE OTHER.
WHY WON'T IT WORK FOR ME! DAD IS YELLING DOWN.
WHY WON'T THE REMOTE WORK FOR ME?
I PRESS MENU, I PRESS POWER, I PRESS INPUT.
I PRESS MODE, I WENT ON THE APP AND FOUND THE --
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE MODE? YOU HAVE MODE?
YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE ON-OFF. WHY CAN'T THAT BE THAT'S ALL IT
TAKES. AND IT NEVER WORKS-- I ONCE
PUT-- I WAS ONCE TRYING TO GET A DVD TO PLAY, AND I PRESSED SO
MANY BUTTONS ON THE DVD PLAYER, YOU KNOW WHERE IT SAYS "OPEN" OR
"CLOSE" OR "READING." I SWEAR TO GOD IT SAY
"GOOD-BYE." >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TOM HANKS.
THIS GUY THAT MAN RIGHT THERE, WICHITA LINEMAN HIMSELF.
WE'RE BACK HERE, STAR OF STAGE AND SCREEN, STAR OF THE NEW
MOVIE "A MAN CALLED OTTO," TOM HANKS.
YOUR SON TRUMAN HANKS PLAYS YOU IN THE FLASHBACKS.
>> HE DOES, YES. >> Stephen: DID YOU GIVE HIM
ANY ACTING ADVICE? >> TRY TO LOOK LIKE ME AS MUCH
AS POSSIBLE. WE ACTUALLY ARE KIND OF-- THAT'S
WHY HE GOT THE GIG, BECAUSE HE A DEAD RINGER FOR ME.
MARK FORSTER, WHO IS OUR DIRECTOR SAID, "IT'S ALWAYS SO
FAKE WHEN YOU GET SOME OTHER ACTOR TO PLAY YOU IN FLASHBACKS.
WHY CAN'T I GET ONE OF YOUR KIDS TO PLAY YOU?
IS? >> Stephen: DID ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER IN THIS MOVIE? EVERYBODY GET DOWN.
>> MARK IS FROM ZURICH, SO HE SPEAKS-- SO THEY GOT TOGETHER.
AND THEY-- MY SON ACTUALLY IS-- HE'S A CINEMATOGRAPHER.
HE'S IN THE CAMERA UNION HERE IN NEW YORK.
HE WORKS ON CAMERA-- AND THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.
I SAID ASK HIM. IT WOULD BE A GREAT EXPERIENCE
IF HE DOES A NUMBER OF THINGS. IF HE LEARNS HIS LINES, KNOWS
THE TEXT, HAS AN IDEA, AND SHOWS UP ON TIME.
IF HE CAN DO THOSE FOUR THINGS, THAT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF LIKE THE
BASE LEVEL OF BEING AN ACTOR IN A MOVIE.
>> Stephen: THE ADVICE I HAVE GIVEN MY KIDS IN GENERAL BEING
IN BUSINESS, IS BE ENTHUSIASTIC AND COMPETENT.
AND THAT MEANS, BE HAPPY TO BE THERE, AND NEVER BE LATE.
>> THERE YOU GO. >> Stephen: AND THAT'S IT.
I SAID YOU'LL WORK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE QUALIFIED.
YOU HAVE TO BE COLORFUL. >> Stephen: I SAY WHEN YOU'RE
REALLY YOUNG AND ON THE JOB, DON'T BE IMPRESSIVE.
YOU'LL JUST MAKE PEOPLE NERVOUS. >> YEAH!
>> Stephen: JUST SHOW UP. >> BY THE WAY, HONESTLY, WHY
PREPARE AT ALL? IS IT JUST WING THE WHOLE THING.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU,s.
>> Stephen: WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL.
( APPLAUSE ) >> BY THE WAY, CAN WE JUST SAY,
WHO HAS MORE PRESSURE ON THEM? LOOK HOW MUCH OF THIS HE'S
DRUNK, AND HE'S RIGHT THERE. >> Stephen: I'VE DONE A WHOLE
MONOLOGUE. YOU'RE BACK THERE EATING MY FREE
CHEESE. >> IT'S 5:00 SOMEWHERE, SAYS
STEPHEN COLBERT. >> Stephen: MIDNIGHT,
ACTUALLY. NOW, YOUR CHARACTER, OTTO, IN
THE MOVIE, HAS A QUARTER HE CARRIES FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL
REASONS. >> FROM 1964.
>> Stephen: I'M CURIOUS IS THERE ANY TALISMAN OR THING YOU
KEEP WITH YOURSELF? >> I HAVE A TYPEWRITER FROM A
GREAT MAN WHO I JUST LOST, MIKE JOHN BEGAT.
HE WAS THE REASON I FIRST MOVED TO NEW YORK CITY.
I HAD A UNION CARD IN MY POCKET THAT SAID I WAS A PROFESSIONAL
ACTOR. HE SAID, "YOU NEED TO BE IN NEW
YORK." SO HE BROUGHT-- WE CAME HERE
TOGETHER. HE SHEPARDED ME THROUGH-- WE
SHARED AN APARTMENT ON UPPER 91st.
I'M TALKING 1978 NOW. THE FIRST NIGHT I WAS IN NEW
YORK, WE WENT OUT TO-- WE WALKED FROM HIS HOUSE ON UPPER
BROADWAY, AND I ACTUALLY SAID TO HIM, "WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?"
BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE OUT ON THE STREET, YOU
KNOW. I THOUGHT IS THERE A HOCKEY GAME
STARTING NEARBY? IT WAS LIKE,s IS THE CIRCUS IN
TOWN? "WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?"
OH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TO QUOTE A GREAT MAN, TOM HANKS IS NOT A BIG
DRINKER. ( LAUGHTER ).
>> BY THE WAY, I BELIEVE IN CERTAIN CULTURES THAT IS GOOD
LUCK. SO...
SORRY ABOUT THAT. >> Stephen: NO, NO WORRIES AT
ALL. >> SORRY ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T TOP THAT, TOM.
>> BUT WE CAN TOP IT OFF, CAN'T WE, BIG BOY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> IS THERE ANYTHING SADDER THAN A SPILLED DRINK, STEPHEN?"
JUST ENOUGH. >> Stephen: TOM HANKS, THANK
YOU FOR EDUCATING ME TO WHAT WILL ULTIMATELY BE MY DOWNFALL.
COCA-COLA AND CHAMPAGNE. "A MAN CALLED OTTO" IS IN
THEATERS NOW. IT'S TOM HANKS, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY
RACHAEL & VILRAY.
>> Stephen: PERFORMING, "IS A GOOD MAN REAL?" FROM THEIR
ALBUM, "I LOVE A LOVE SONG," BACKED BY THE HUNTERTONES AND
THE LATE SHOW BAND, RACHAEL & VILRAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ I'VE NEVER KNOWN ONE
WHAT DO THEY DO? ♪ WE'VE ALL HEARD THE LEGENDS
BUT CAN THEY BE TRUE? ♪ MY COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND'S
BOYFRIEND ♪ ONCE NEARLY COOKED A MEAL
SO IS A GOOD MAN REAL? ♪ DOES HE TRY TO REMEMBER
WHAT HIS OLD LADY SAID? ♪ WHEN HE SLEEPS IN ON TUESDAYS
DOES HE STRAIGHTEN THE BED? ♪ ONCE HE'S HAD THREE MARTINIS
HE'LL LET YOU TAKE THE WHEEL OH, IS A GOOD MAN REAL?
♪ I'VE NEVER SEEN A NARWHAL THE UNICORN OF THE SEA
♪ BUT IF GOD MADE WHALES AND PUT HORNS ON THE MALES
♪ MAYBE HE'D PUT A HEART IN A GUY FOR ME
♪ HE DON'T NEED MONEY I SAID GOOD NOT PERFECT
♪ I'LL SETTLE FOR HONEY AND A QUARTERLY DATE
♪ SO IF YOU SEE THIS TREASURE PLEASE LET HIM KNOW HOW I FEEL
♪ I HOPE A GOOD MAN'S REAL ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I'VE NEVER SEEN A NARWHAL
THE UNICORN OF THE SEA ♪ BUT IF GOD MADE WHALES
AND PUT HORNS ON THE MALES ♪ MAYBE HE'D PUT A HEART IN A
GUY FOR ME ♪ HE DON'T NEED MONEY
I'LL SETTLE FOR FUNNY ♪ SO IF YOU SEE THIS SUCKER
PLEASE LET HIM KNOW HOW I FEEL I HOPE A GOOD MAN'S REAL
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I REALLY WONDER IS A GOOD MAN REAL?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH.
BEAUTIFUL AS ALWAYS. >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH. RACHAEL & VILRAY, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." GOOD NIGHT.