Say farewell, babies.
Two con men walk into a bar,
I can't remember the punch line,
but this time it ain't no joke.
How could such a good plan get so screwed up?
I guess if greed and constantly being under the influence
are to blame then
I'm as guilty as a hooker on crack and Kitchity Katchity
is as guilty as a crack on a hooker.
This ain't no pleasant story,
but it sure is an unbelievable adventure
filled with busty women, fast cars,
a buttload of money
and a hell of a lot of broken promises
and crushed dreams.
I'm going to have to start at the end and work my way back.
That's what she said.
Two Vegas icons crumbled...
tonight at the Grand re-re-opening of the casino
just off the Vegas Strip.
Police believe the celebrity has-been duo of, uh,
Jackie Fontaine and Kitchity Katchity
staged a fake beauty pageant to benefit the OTB foundation.
The duo's shady dealings were exposed
during the night's events,
causing the two to flee the scene.
Their getaway car was found just
a few hours outside of Vegas.
Police believe there was a struggle inside the car,
causing it to flip off the side of the road.
Jackie Fontaine was found wandering the Mexican border,
while Kitchity Katchity...
still remains at large.
Oh, no, Becky, they're right here, right now.
It's something to do with, um,
with the OTB people, they're here right now.
A motion picture company is right in here, right now,
and they're taking my photograph right now as we speak.
That's why I can't talk too long, sweetheart.
No, it's something about...
all the girls that Jackie has assembled at one point,
you know, with the big tushies and everything, I don't know.
Some kind of scandal or something.
I know, I have to go.
This might help,
maybe they're going to get 'em off.
Oh, oh, you're so funny.
I don't think it's anything like that, though.
I know my dear boy.
Okay, goodbye.
Tell Ted I said hello.
Oh, you know, Becky, is just full of herself.
She's as excited as I am about everything.
She can talk up a storm, you know.
Anyways, get back to my sandwich, here.
Look at that, this beautiful sandwich that I made.
Jackie used to love when I made sandwiches like this.
You know, he used to have girls over all the time
in his bedroom and stuff,
and they would always be practicing.
I would hear them practicing all night.
You know, na-na, na-na, things like that.
And I'd go, Jackie, your father's going to kill you
if you mess up those sheets again!
And then I would realize his father's not coming home.
He went out for a pack of cigarettes,
and never came back.
Anyways, let me get myself a drink here.
Oh, yes.
Let's go watch Pat Sajak, shall we?
Jersey-born, I knew I was destined for fame
and fortune when at the age of seven,
I won a local talent contest.
I dropped the mic and started shouting "zing, pow wow!"
And a star was born, babies.
Ah, those friggin' birds.
Oh, right, we need the birds
or we're not a legit documentary.
Let me show you what he looked like when he was on that show.
Here he was, little Jackie. Oh.
He used to poop himself a lot, Jackie did.
I think it was God's way of saying,
you need to pay attention to your little son.
And I would rub his little tush.
Did you want any sandwich?
And then here's,
Jackie sent me this from Las Vegas.
He's a lovely boy, he always enjoyed...
sending me things from far away.
And then, I'm so proud of this,
he got me an award.
I don't know what it's for 'cause the plaque,
it came off of it but he said, 'ma,
he used to call me 'ma, you're a star in my book.
And I used to cry a lot about things like that.
This was the 70s, Jackie was hot.
Buster Guy was the hot show.
Jackie was doing live shows five nights a week.
I don't know where he found the energy, but boy,
he had it and there was this...
this other kid, this new kid who had his own act.
It was really taking off.
It was like this Yakov Smirnoff thing.
Like, he was talking about how his country was different
from our country.
Total rip off,
but it was the 80s, so nobody cared.
I brought the kid into the lights
and I was the only one who saw more than just
a little purple-coloured rat squeaky toy.
He met that Clackity-Cloackity, whatever his name was,
that little furry thing,
I don't, to this day, understand...
Now, here's a secret.
Kitchity Katchity ain't got no papers.
He got in the U.S. of A. by being a mule
for his cousin, Cudai.
Word is Kitchity owes Cudai a buttload of cash,
no pun intended.
You know, they met at my table.
When they first come here, they didn't know a soul.
Mostly, they'd just sit around
trying to cheat each other.
Hey, the gang's all here.
I don't believe it.
You two old cronies are still alive?
Oh my.
They just didn't get along all the time.
Liquor, drugs and booze and women...
Women!
Yeah, that's what was the problem.
The women, the booze, the drugs.
And then they'd fight over the women.
Yeah, right, but I think they loved each other.
Kitchity Katchity became the fan favorite breakout star
for the TV show Buster Guy.
After a pay dispute
at the end of the first year as a series regular,
he moved out to L.A. and we took him on.
He went commercial, man.
He really wanted your Uncle Tom on his back.
Uh, he... he left us.
We knew he didn't have the right temperament
for a kid show, but we had the opportunity
to replace Ranger Rob on his TV show,
and we jumped on it and he made it work.
The statistics don't lie.
Kids love purple.
He was miserable, artistically.
Spending money as fast as he was making it.
And word of the drinking
and the life he was living
was being put out for the public.
So... mid-season
we replaced him with the YouTuber Poopy.
He said he was never going to share the spotlight again.
♪ I got my sugar ♪
I should have seen it coming.
His drooling like Pavlov's dogs at any mention of a gig,
his outrageous temper tantrums when the Hennessy ran out.
Kitchity Katchity had an agenda
that put old Beelzebub himself to shame.
Yeah, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.
I had created a monster.
Aw, yes.
He was so done doing anything with kids.
He hated kids. They made him sick.
So he flew off to Vegas
and... went to find Jackie for help.
That's when he wrote...
Bible School Sluts from Outer Space.
He wanted to show off his acting chops.
He wanted to reinvent himself
and he needed to do something big, something...
like... like Ten Commandments big.
Oh? Heavenly star command?
Do you copy?
Oh, no. Kitchi-poo!
You there, girl. Get me off!
No one would touch him.
No one.
He was broke when that flopped.
He said he wanted to go to Vegas
and "relive the glory days"?
He said he had to go hook up with Jackie again.
Oh, he left me with nothing.
He left me with this.
"Dear sweetness,
as you well know, I've messed up.
Unfortunately, the only solution is to leave L.A. forever."
I'm behind six months on the utilities.
I owe the bank 50k and I also owe Rizzo a thousand,
and Kermit 500, I think.
As you well know,
I didn't spend it on other women,
but on the horse races.
Please, kiss the Corvette for me.
I'm behind on the car payments, too.
I also owe 800 to Elmo.
Careful, he's shady.
"Sincerely, your Kitchi-pie."
Hey, hey, hey, now.
You questioning the validity of OTB?
You haven't the audacity to make judgment
of the existence of the very affliction that has crippled
so many of my friends and colleagues?
Unbelievable.
You're just like all the other lame brains.
I bet you'd even go as far as to accuse me
and Kitchity Katchity of making this OTB horror up.
Well, I'll have you know that OTB is as real as it comes.
Because in broken knee caps, lost wages, divorce,
and even degenerative degenerate syndrome,
like that which has attacked my buddy Kitchity Katchity.
Yes, he, my friends,
is on the top of the spectrum of afflictional diseases.
Yeah, you go Google that.
Oh, yeah. That's nice.
Oh, hey, welcome
that the Up All Night Show with me,
your host with the most, Jackie Fontaine.
I put the zing, pow, wow
back in your dusty old box.
Oh, I love that so much entertainment is in our blood.
Yes, it is.
Oh. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah.
Come on out, baby.
Where's Kitchity Katchity at, yeah?
It's Kitchity Katchity time,.
You see, some time after I lost my show,
and started running out of money,
I wasn't feeling so well.
I went to my doctor
and that's when he said "unfortunately...
you've come down with...
OTB."
Oh, God, no.
Not the OTB.
I can't believe it.
Is there anything that Jackie can do for you, huh?
Yes, there is, Jackie.
You see, medical research has come a long way...
but they need funding.
So I thought to myself,
what can I do to bring awareness to OTB?
And I said to myself,
you do what you do best, old boy.
Exploiting hot young for personal gain.
A beauty pageant to bring awareness to OTBs!
That is a great
idea. Truly inspirational idea.
You got there with beauties like Baby,
- why they would just blow... - Yes.
...any ignorant minds.
- Oh, it's great. - Yes. Yes!
Yes, but I can't do this alone.
Jackie Fontaine,
I need your help to lead people to water
so that they may drink from the cup of knowledge.
Only you with your clear blue eyes
with a roguish snap,
providing us many years of quality entertainment,
as well as providing DNA for half the cast of
- the Jersey Shore. - Hey, hey, hey!
Will you help bring awareness to my cause?
Yes.
Help me bring awareness to OTBs.
Yes, I will.
Calls were made and ads placed
and favors were redeemed.
We reserved time on my super access cable television show,
which was full of hutzpah.
Oh, the magic was in motion, babies.
And then somehow all this beauty pageant,
and all in the name of the OTB.
Thank you for calling Jackie Fontaine's
Cavalcade of Celebrities and Super Spotlights Glued
to the Truth and for any short cases as Telethon.
I'm a mom.
I'm a nurse practitioner.
A professional poker player.
I'm a librarian.
President of my local bingo club.
- I'm someone's brother. - I'm a detective.
I'm a granddaughter.
And I'm also an American.
Proud American.
- I'm an American. - American.
- American.
...and I suffer from OTB.
I suffer from OTB.
- And I suffer from OTB. - It's really up.
Hold on, yes, grandpa.
Yes, yes, yes, I will tell them.
And I have bookies to pay.
Please stand, united.
Let's stand united.
So let's all stand together.
Let's all join together
and support the Miss OTB Pageant.
For his sake.
Hi, folks, Jackie Fontaine here.
And did you know that 60 percent of the 20 percent of the people
you just saw are dealing with the awful affliction
of OTB in their lives?
But did you also know that stars and celebrities
and rich people and more important people
are dealing with OTB, too.
like my good friend here, Kitchity Katchity.
Please, won't you see it
from the bottom of your heart to help support
the OTB Foundation?
You can come out and support
the Miss OTB beauty pageant with beautiful women.
So please, if you don't do it for yourself,
do it for America.
Do it for the man above, but please, do it.
So here's a heartfelt zing pow wow to you,
and thanks for your support.
Do we get your support, sweetheart?
Yeah, I am, baby.
See? Thanks, folks.
Right off the bat, the word on the street
is that the pageant was rigged.
Really, I can't say that I don't blame people
for saying that, after all,
it was being held for free
at our old stomping grounds at Casino.
Yes, we hosted the Miss OTB Pageant.
We couldn't be happier about it.
Jackie and Kitchity were like prodigal sons,
a family returned to home.
Of course, nothing is for free in this world.
Even if it is the casino stage,
a stage that we had to share the rental
of between the local junior high production of Our Town
and the Vegas Ladies Quilting Awards Banquet.
Also, it didn't hurt that
the casino was owned and built by an ex-smalltime bookie
from the rough side of the tracks of Milwaukee.
Butch, the bookie of ,
an old friend of ours who it was rumored
had passed away recently from OTB.
Now his son, Butch the bookie took over.
And of course, the bookie junior, Butch,
didn't seem to fall too far from the Kratch tree,
if you know what I mean.
I'm Butch Snyder, junior,
and I run this magical place,
the Casino in downtown Las Vegas.
You know, all casinos have lobbies,
but at the Casino, have we got a lobby!
You know, all casinos and all hotels have rooms,
but at the Casino, have we got rooms!
And, of course, all casinos have restaurants.
But at the Casino? Have we got a restaurants!
Yes, there's no casino in the world
like the Casino in downtown Las Vegas.
I was Jackie's personal assistant
for about 20 plus wonderful years.
He liked to praise the go-for women.
Go for this, go for that he would say.
Oh... it was just like one of those baby hairless monkeys
you want to roll around on the floor with.
Linoleum, I might add.
I used to clean his home and did his laundry,
hand-washed.
No, Jackie never paid me back.
He owed me money.
Hey, guys, thanks for coming down here and waiting for us.
Our little deer here, she's not much of a day person.
Sometimes I wake up and I don't know where I am.
You I had to be there.
Yeah, but this pageant, it's been really good for us.
Except for the fact that it's being hosted at the Casino.
But I mean, our girl here she's, you know,
she's got a schedule to keep now
and goals to strive and aim for.
And she's meeting a lot of new people.
So I think it's been really good for her.
Whoa.
Oh, oh.
I just love my life as a dancer.
I've met some really interesting people.
And I've learned a whole lot about myself.
Yep, I just love it when I learn important stuff,
all by accident.
I never thought I'd be in a pageant.
So I wanted, I thought it'd be a good idea to use it
as a platform to promote my charity idea I came up with.
We are a family with standards, you see.
And, um, as...
And as a, as a charity...
- Mom... - Give that to me.
Just going to show it.
As charity minded...
as charity minded people,
I just want to... I just want to help people
who are in difficult times.
So the... resource
that I came up with for my charity is...
Charity.
Our family has an obligation.
And if that involves a noble charity,
well then I say, so be it.
You know, I had actually never even heard
of this Jackie Fountain before or this itchy fellow.
His name is Kit Kat.
And, but I want to know because
I wasn't allowed to watch anything on TV where...
Again, we're a charity minded people.
And we are often blinded by good intentions.
Oh, bullshit.
Yeah, right.
Because you said colleges for fools
and IT schools are scams.
All the commercials late at night.
We'll have no talk of trade schools on film.
Young lady.
So tell everyone then.
Why is it such a crime to work with your hands?
Out of the mouths of babes.
I blame this on her father.
Ugh, that Castilian blood of yours
makes her say the darndest things.
You say the darnedest thing, do you.
Ew!
Don't make out with me on TV.
- Make out. - Stop it.
Oh, pretty.
So I know you didn't get to see it that well earlier,
but it says, ask me about OTB and it has the guys on here
and then, um, I research like, what areas of the world...
That is lovely, dear.
Like I said, charity minded.
Come this way.
These are my prized possessions.
Besides Britney, of course.
Are you alright, honey?
Here is my Lovely Eyes sash.
And here, I won for bowling night queen.
♪ Gonna score tonight! ♪
And over here is, we don't talk about that one.
And this is healthy living queen.
Still working on that.
And here is my piece de resistance.
Miss Nevada Supreème.
Nineteen-eighty...
Whoa, oh, look here!
Here I am on my wedding day.
As you may know, Mr. Tehran is no longer with us.
Oh look, we were so in love.
Our love was almost,
almost too much.
The highs were so high.
It was... intense.
It was almost abnormal.
Yes, it was, um... it was so intense that I...
I had him deported.
I can't say that it was easy being a single mother alone,
raising a young daughter, but rest assured friends...
my little girl will grow up to know...
the most important thing in this life...
is being a beautiful woman.
You all look so pretty, it's a little intimidating.
What are you, some kind of lesbian, bag lady?
Oh, oh, no. I mistaken for that a lot.
I... This is for charity.
Yeah. Charity's what got you the dog.
Oh, snap!
Shh!
Thank you all for coming and trying out
for the first ever pageant to benefit OTB.
I'm Toby and I'll be your coach for the run
of this magical experience
that will change your life forever.
Now...
please let me introduce you to our co-founder
and local Las Vegas icon,
Mr. Jackie Fountain.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, hello! Holy.
Yeah, I just flew in from Jersey.
My you-know- what's hurting.
Hey, welcome, ladies to the first annual
OTB Beauty Pageant Cavalcade of Celebrity
Super Spotlights Glued to the Truth.
And you're, you right now
are meeting the host with the most.
Or maybe you ladies
are going to be the most with the moist.
I kid, I kid. Yeah, you know.
But anyways, you're all going to make history tonight.
Maybe a hysterectomy.
See that joke, stick that right in there in-studio.
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Really?
And where do you think you're going?
This is Miss Kelly, personal trainer.
I see why you called me here.
We have a lot of work ahead of us.
What?
Mom, I don't have time. I'm going to work.
- I'm going... - There will be no work
in this house, young lady.
Come on, you...
And what... is this?
That's my ukulele.
I've been...
You thought you were going to play this
in the talent portion, didn't you?
- Well... - Didn't you?
- Yes? - Let me guess,
this is one of those it's so lame
that it's hip things, right?
Ugh, do you guys not get it, you don't get the irony that...
Typical hipsters, bacon diet with no definition.
- So sad. - What?
Oh my, please.
Mom, no. No!
Let's get one thing straight.
Miss Kelly has agreed to work with you on the side
and help mold you into image
of a perfect pageant goddess.
And there is no room for ironic hipster garbage!
Mom, what are we going to do about the talents?
What are we going to do now?
What all sexy and sophisticated young women do.
Modern dance.
Thank you, yeah.
Will you excuse me, just a minute please?
Thanks.
There is something really special
about that girl right there.
Watch and learn.
Oh.
Excuse me.
It's just a little something I carry with me when I cry.
So...
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're pushing the buttons there, Cece.
You are a big button pusher.
I don't know about big.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no. You're alright...
Yeah, I was seeing Kitchity on the side.
What of it?
And let me tell you, that little purple guy...
who knows how to please a woman.
That little purple fur,
he knows how to hit all the right spots.
That's something that Jackie, could never do.
Mm.
Ah, bugger.
How could I let my animal magnetism
take over like that?
How was I to know that my love making
would start the shit storm of the century?
Little did I know
that this was the start of my own undoing.
This was all that purple little swifter
needed in order to put his plan into action.
He knew I would have her plums up.
And he knew I would be too busy wheeling and dealing.
He knew my musk, Man Breeze, available at all drugstores
for 29.99, would fill the air
with animalistic urges and innuendos.
I had her sexy long legs with those black, new,
whoa, stilettos from Kmart shaking in the nether regions.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We all know that if you play where your shit,
you end up with a sandbox full of turds.
Oh baby.
So why didn't I exercise a little self-control?
Why couldn't I see that Cece, an amazing dreamboat of a woman,
was after more than just Jackie's manhood?
Psst! Camera boy, come here. Come in here.
Shh...
Call it a mother's intuition,
but there is something not quite right here,
and I am going to find out what it is.
Pipe down over there, we're having a meeting.
...cell phone backstage, blowing up my stage. Okay.
Britney!
Honey, you just look so fabulous.
Oh, I'm so nervous I think I'm going to throw up.
That just means you're ready for office.
But I tell you what, if you need to do that,
go find the trash can, okay sugar? Alright.
Okay, girls, it's about go to time.
Now, remember, this is for charity,
so suck 'em in and stick 'em out.
Where is that purple little rat? When I get my hands on him...
Who died and made you Grand Puba?
Oh, well, speaking of Puba How about this, queen?
I had to discover you and Kitchity
in the smut magazines, huh?
What a girl can't have a good time?
Oh, when I get my hands...
...on him.
Oh, I bet you're nesting in there.
You come out, right now.
Oh!
You've lost your mind.
Oh, I've lost my, oh there you are.
Look at that perfect little hideout right there, huh?
You come out right now and face me like...
Where are you? You're going to pay for this.
Jackie, you fuck...- giddy.
You are going to get up out of that chair like a man
and face me like a man,
you little purple rag-wearing,
gypsy cab driving, son of a...
Oh, yeah, you piece of coal, your white sheets are showing.
What are you doing with my Elaine, huh?
- Whoa, time out! - You stay out of this.
Hey, at least someone around here can still lay some pipe.
Who? Your little pecker?
You look like the grimace of scot creek.
You look like a hate crime.
You were nothing but backup talent.
No matter how much you paid that lady,
- that wig always looks fake. - Oh, really?
Well, I'll tell you, you're a tough guy, huh?
What do you think about this, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah, you like that? - Stop it, I'm...
I'm going to keep pushing it.
That's it, Jackie. You get out of here.
I swear if you screw up this gig for me tonight,
a wire brush your saggy old man balls
until you drop your Depends.
Do you get me, Fontaine?
Oh, you don't talk to me that way.
Next wife, or no one's wife.
You're a has-been, Fontaine. Now and forevermore.
I'm just getting started. You understand?
You little purple piece of crap, huh?
So I'm, I'm really nervous.
What about you?
I don't get nervous.
- I'm a dancer. - Really?
You don't get nervous?
Look, this is my me-time before the show.
If you're looking to make friends,
why don't you take your little lesbian dyke bag
and your hairy little legs and go down the street,
try the local dyke bar.
I'll even give you a topic, power tools.
No, I don't know what your problem is with me,
but I've been really nice to you and everyone here.
I mean, we're here for charity.
Reality check, honey. I don't do charity.
Butch, the bookie junior, owns the Casino,
and he made a deal with Jackie and K.K.
and all of Vegas for this pageant.
So, you see, I can't lose.
So you see, this pageant
isn't really about charity, losers.
It's about winners. And that would be me.
You think I can't do this?
Think again, because I can, and I'm going to show you.
I'll show all of you.
Then you may want to shave your upper lip, tuts.
Ha, ha-ha, ha, Ha-ha-ha...
You all think I can't do this?
Well I can.
I'm going to show you all.
Hey, what's wrong?
Look what they did to you.
This is it.
Oh. Hello, Jackie.
I was just looking for something.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
What'd you lose?
I was looking for a... condom.
Really?
I thought maybe we could... find a use for it.
Call me Mrs. Robinson.
♪ Oh, Mrs. Robinson ♪
Coo-coo-cachoo.
I'm what needs getting done.
I bet you do.
Let me tell you something, baby.
Oh.
You're going to take a Jackie ride.
Oh, there you go.
It's a neat ticket.
- Oh, all the way. - Oh. Alright, Jackie.
Alright, Jackie.
Oh, but first, but first...
Let me prepare the mood for you.
Okay, come on.
Yeah touch me. There you go.
- Oh dear. - Oh, okay.
Let me, let me prepare something, okay?
- Alright. - Yes, Jackie. Prepare.
Come with me.
I know you've been waiting for this.
You know you want it. Let's put some music on first.
Almost there, one second.
Oh, Jackie!
Oh, Cece, Sicily, Cece.
I love how that feels, Jackie.
What the?
Yeah, do it.
Jackie!
Jackie? Jackie?
Mom? Oh, my God!
What? What'd you say?
- "Oh, my God?" - That wasn't me.
- No? - No.
Britney... Britney this is not what it looks like.
No, not at all. I was not...
I was teaching that snatch a lesson.
- I was... - What?
- Shut up, you little man. - You don't have to...
I think I'm going to be sick.
No, not in here. This is brand new carpet I got.
No, no, no, no.
Now look, okay, that's it. No more dance moves.
Mom, you're sick in the head.
No, I did it all for you.
Mom, the 60s are over.
I did it all for you. Britney, all for you!
Britney, are you okay?
I've been better, though.
Huh?
That was sarcasm.
Oh.
Well, hey, ah, I got somebody here
that wants to talk to you.
Oh, I bet they do.
Oh?
That was, that was sarcasm.
Oh, right. I'm learning.
Okay, so someone wants to thank you
for all your hard work.
What? Who wants what?
Go on, Ruby. Tell her what you told me.
Well, the other day, I was over at Jackie's house
doing yard work, as he asked me to,
when I gota touch of the heat stroke and fell into the pool,
but luckily I had one of your bags,
which I used as a flotation device.
Oh, I screamed for hours and hours,
but no one could hear me.
I think Jackie had the television on too long.
If it wasn't for the ramen noodles
in the water purifier again, I would have surely drowned.
Oh, are you okay? Hope you're okay?
I think so.
After I got a bit of strength back,
I kicked my legs like one of the Rockets and made it out.
You saved my life. You and your wonderful bags.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Wow.
Well, I'll leave you two kids alone now.
Time for me to go take
a delicious bowel movement.
Good luck, Rube.
Oh my gosh.
Thanks for reminding me why, why I got into this pageant
in the first place.
Well, that's not all.
Thank you. Oh, I mean,
thanks for this and for, um, for bringing me home.
Well, I thought someone
might have forgotten about their most beautiful feature.
Uh, my God, their boobs?
No, their heart.
Oh.
You play?
Oh, yeah. I mean I played a little.
Mostly I play guitar.
But you work for that Kitchity OTB creep.
I don't... You don't look like L.A. trash.
What's your deal?
Well, first of all, thank you for the compliment.
And second... that's a good question.
I mean, I was an intern on his show,
when he had a show,
and you could say, I work for him,
but mostly I'm an actor.
That takes a lot of guts to move out to L.A. and...
There's nothing more gratifying
than filling the world's hearts with joy.
I know I'm not a big star or anything,
and I probably never will be one, but...
I got into this game to fill those hearts with joy,
and if I have to prop up a glutton and drunk to do it,
then so be it.
I mean... I'm sure
one day your dream will come true and,
and when it does,
people will fall in love with the real thing.
Oh.
Zing pow wow, baby. This was it.
The night we had worked our asses to the bone for.
The ladies were all puffed up like peacocks.
The celebrity judges were in place.
The lights ablaze and the money
was falling out of the sky into our laps.
Hello, I'm here with Butch Junior,
owner of this fine Nevada casino
nestled in the heart of the Las Vegas Strip.
Thanks for joining us tonight, Butch Jr.
Thank you so much. And you know what?
I'm really glad that you said that we are in the heart
of the Las Vegas Strip because we here at the Casino,
we're all about heart.
Some folks at home, they might think that
we in the casino business are responsible for OTB,
but I'm here to tell you and all of them
that is simply not true.
In fact, this evening, I am going to donate $50,000.
So not only good looking, but also a giver as well.
Well, we appreciate that.
Oh, thank you. You are too kind.
Hey! Zing pow wow!
I bet you have some papaerwork to do.
Hey, zing pow wow. How you doing?
Good Jackie, good to see you.
It's a man of the hour, Mr. Jackie Fontaine himself.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Yes, it is.
Nobody can fill up a casino like my buddy Butch, here.
- Well, we do aim to please. - Oh, yeah.
Hey, speaking of aiming, why don't you learn
how to aim a little better when you're in the men's room?
- I look at my shoes. - Oh.
- Made you look! - This guy...
You stepped right into that.
But seriously, folks, I kid. I kid all the time.
We're just trying to kind of clear up a few things.
I'm just trying to get an interview
- with Kitchity Katchity tonight. - Yes.
You know, we want to hear a little bit more
about his condition,
about the response from the community.
We also want to know where the proceeds are being,
where they're being utilized.
Oh, of course, yeah, everybody wants to know that.
And the community. We love the community.
Thank you, community. Yeah.
You know, I've been trying to get a hold of the OTB people
'cause we need to know how to put those things to use,
but they don't want to answer any of their phone
or anything they don't know.
It's like maybe they got like a disconnect or something,
like, We've been looking for you, Jackie.
Oh, sick.
We just wanted to thank you, you know,
for all the good work you're doing
- for the OTB community. - Oh, well.
Hey, thanks, guys. Yeah.
You know, I tell you, Rocco the Strangler,
I didn't know you were out of jail yet, huh?
You too. Hey, good to see you guys.
Hey, hey. The whole gang's here.
- Come on over. - When we heard
what you and Kitchity Katchity were doing and, you know,
you didn't contact us.
And now here you are using the name of your TV foundation.
Yeah, you can understand why we's a little upset with you.
Thanks to this good woman right here.
See, she contacted us on behalf of Jackie
and Kitchity Katchity and the OTB pageant.
She explained to us there may have been
a little miscommunication between the two parties.
Yes. I, Sissy Terrin,
Miss Nevada 19...
I took it upon myself to contact these
fine gentlemen and their little group.
As the moral authority of this state,
and with Jackie's blessing
and the blessing of Mr. Katch...
...uh, Purple Thing...
I offer a welcoming hand to this pageant,
which is based around such a wonderful charity.
As you may know,
I come from a charity-minded family.
It's the way I was raised
and the way I raised my daughter,
my beautiful little girl, contestant number 13.
Gorgeous kid at that.
Young lady's not so bad herself, a real class act.
Oh, stop it. You're too sweet.
And I would like to tell your viewers,
if anyone thinks that I am with Jackie
just to benefit my little girl,
well, that is simply a lie.
Our love is true.
As a matter of fact... we're engaged.
And your little TV audience is the first to know.
Ladies and gentlemen, hello.
My name is Butch Snyder Jr.,
and I would like to welcome you
to the first annual
Jackie Fontaine, Kitchity Katchity
Cavalcade of Beauty and Superspotlight of Talent
Celebrity Tribute to the Troops OTB
Beauty Pageant Supershow, benefiting, of course,
the Jackie Fontaine OTB Foundation.
And now, it is my privilege to introduce to you
this evening's host, the king of comedy,
the Man with the Golden Throat,
Mr. Jackie Fontaine. Here's Jackie!
♪ Here she is ♪
♪ who knows what we see? ♪
♪ Who knows if it's she? ♪
♪ We just know it might be Miss OTB ♪
♪ Miss OTB! ♪
Hey! Ladies and gentlemen,
zing pow wow, I'm Jackie Fontaine.
Thank you very much for being here at the first annual
Jackie Fontaine and Kitchity Katchity
beauty pageant to benefit the OTB Foundation.
But first, let's bring it down. Let's center ourselves.
Let's remember exactly why we're here.
Not for glitz, not for glamour, not for glitter.
We're here because of this horrible disease, OTB.
That's right, I got a phone call
from a very, very high profile celebrity,
a good friend of mine called me and said,
"Jackie, I got the OTB and before those damn vultures
in the media picked me apart
like, like a Costco rotisserie chicken.
I want to come out on my own on your program,
the Up All Night Show."
And he did, and that's where we decided
the whole world needs to know about him.
And ladies and gentlemen,
that celebrity is a good friend of mine.
Kitchity Katchity!
- Butch, Butch get over here. - I'm sorry, Jackie.
- No, no. No, Butch. - I promised I wouldn't cry.
You gotta suck it up, you got to suck it up,
just like your dad did, Butch Senior.
You run a goddamn casino
and we're going to beat OTB together.
Now you'll get over there, control yourself.
But first, ladies and gentlemen,
a lot of people don't know shit about OTB.
But you know what?
These ladies right here,
they know everything
there is to know about OTB.
And that's why they're giving up tonight.
They're giving up their bodies,
they're giving up their talent, they're giving up
who knows what else to fight OTB!
And that's exactly what they'll do
because one of these ladies is going to be crowned
Miss OTB and help us stomp out OTB!
My heart was beating.
My palms were sweating. I don't know.
Maybe it was the diet pills.
Or maybe it was just the fact
that I was back in the game, baby!
The game I loved, the game I ruled.
The game of entertainment and celebrityism.
A world filled with fast chase,
loose money and fun.
It was just a crown away.
I was tuned in into my machismo,
spilling pheromones out of my glands.
And my entertainment abilities
were all heightened to their peak.
I was ready for the comeback.
Yet, something, something somewhere
was pulling at my boxer shorts.
And it wasn't a groupie this time.
I couldn't put my finger on it,
but I did smell the slight aroma
of a purple, furry little rat.
But did I listened to my gut? No!
No, I was too caught up in the excitement.
♪ I want to tell you, that I, ♪
♪ I think you're looking just fine, ♪
♪ I want to tell you that I, I want you by my side, ♪
♪ The way you move your body, the way I feel inside ♪
♪ I want to take you for a ride ♪
♪ Wanna be with you ♪
♪ Do you want me too? ♪
♪ Wanna be with you ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, you're the one that I need ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, we can make it tonight ♪
♪ Stay here, it'd be more than okay ♪
♪ 'Cause there's nothing that can stand in our way ♪
♪ If you'd stay here, it'd be more than okay, ♪
♪ 'cause there's nothing that can stand in my way ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, you're the one that I need ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, we can make it tonight ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, you're the one that I need ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, we can make it tonight ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, you're the one that I need ♪
♪ You're the one that I want, we can make it tonight ♪
I'm going to do dance.
Modern dance, modern dance.
I'm going to dance to a song.
I, uh... I think you forgot something.
Forgive me for intruding on their
cute little sexually frustrated scene.
I guess I should always keep my thoughts to myself,
but you see, the truth is that
the brilliant producers of this film asked me to talk
over this cute little scene 'cause they never secured
the rights to the song these two youths are strumming.
It's a damn shame 'cause they're actually
pretty good kids.
If you like that touchy feely
kind of crap, you know.
In my day, we would just put
the sheet music upside down,
ad lib a few verses and zing pow wow, babies!
No lawyers, no subpoenas.
Hey, things can get lost in translation.
But hell, who's listening?
And the most of the dives I played were filled
with stern old bums and bimbos.
Hey, but I digress.
Oh well, looks like a little Beaver and Gaga duet
is almost done.
Hey, let's just keep this between us, huh?
Yes, yes! Oh, that's my little girl.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Britney.
Congratulations. Oh! Oh!
Yes, thank you, ladies.
Oh, aren't they all talented? Fantastic job.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, as in all beauty pageants,
that time has come in this evening
for us to have our very first elimination in this period.
Who will it be, huh?
Big drumroll,
ladies and gentlemen. Ah-ha.
Our first contestant to be eliminated tonight,
oh is number 13.
Britney! Thank you, Britney.
You can go ahead and go off right over there.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, you see how easy that was?
All you have to do is be one notch below, and you're out.
But that's not going to happen to you.
Now the next one is the hula hoop contest.
All the things I do for people, God damn it.
Fuck me. You know?
- You got their money? - Yes, Jackie.
Oh, good, good. Good. That's my girl.
You know, that son of a b......, that purple little rag.
I know he's up to something.
If I got the OTB people so far up my ass,
I can taste their cheap cologne.
But you know, it's okay. It's okay.
You know why, sweetheart?
Because we got the monies. Huh?
Yes, Jackie.
That's right, yeah.
I knew I could count on you, Ruby.
Fontaine! Are you insane?
Rocco the Strangler is out there.
If this blows up in our face, Jackie, you're on your own.
I have a respectable man in the community!
You're good. I know, okay?
I promise you, Butch, I'll take care of it, okay?
- Don't worry, don't worry. - Don't touch the suit!
You've got five minutes to get out there and fix this, Jackie.
I'll do it in two and a half minutes!
- Do it! - Okay! Jesus.
Alright, what the hell? I'll tell you what.
This is the kind of bullshit that's going to get us...
What's I tell you about this? Keep this full all the time.
- Yes, Jackie. - Shit!
Listen to them out there.
I love you, you sh... bag.
Hey, everybody. I'm Marshall.
This is a song I just wrote about someone I met.
♪ I know this girl ♪
♪ She's got that hourglass figure ♪
♪ Yeah, I know this girl ♪
♪ Walks like a... ♪
Britney, I want you to know that I am so proud of you.
You are the best thing that ever happened to me...
and it doesn't matter how pretty you are
or where you end up in life.
The woman you are inside is all that matters.
Oh, mom.
♪ She's my pride and my joy ♪
Joe, Joe. It's Marvin,
Marvin your cousin.
You know that new sound you was looking for?
We'll take a listen to this.
♪ She called out to me, yeah ♪
♪ She know I'd be running, well, I'm stumped then ♪
What is this? Movie of the week?
You little rat, can't you see we're having a moment?
Why did you get that bag? Give it to me!
I think you better do it.
Give me that. I'll save you, don't worry.
Oh, you fluffy purple little perpetrator,
I knew you were up to something.
You're never going to get this.
Hey, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
Morty, get him.
I think that purple thing is a homosexual.
- Morty! - Yeah?
where the hell is Nifty?
Oh, uh... Yeah, um...
The OTB got him.
What the? The OTB got another one.
- I know, boss. - Wait a minute.
What the hell is that in your pocket?
Oh, this?
Nothing, just the...
- Morty! - It's the OTB, boss.
It's got me. I'm sorry.
The OTB is back, baby!
No, Morty.
Please don't go. Damn you, Fontaine!
♪ I've seen things you'd never believe, ♪
Get out of the way...
Hey, guess what? It's that moment now.
That we're going to crown the the OTB...
Girls, contestants, come out here now.
It's the moment we've all been waiting for.
Gather round, gather round.
Gather 'round all the way, all the way.
Come closer, closer, closer, yes.
Now you hold this for me, okay?
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're going to now crown the Miss... the Miss um...
OTB, uh... is going to be, uh,
Sparkles!
Congratulations, everybody!
Way to go, baby.
Sparkles, yes.
Oh, no, I've got to save Jackie.
Stay back.
Don't want any excitement, or anybody to get hurt.
Somebody better give me that money.
Or I'm going to blow this b......'s brains out.
Oh, Jackie took the wrong bag.
Oh, Marshall!
Britney, sometimes a woman
has got to stand up for her man.
We need a weapon.
Britney! Britney!
You don't know what you're doing.
Let her go! It's going to be okay, honey.
Shut the fuck up, b......!
Listen, I know you.
I know this looks bad, but this isn't you.
This is the OTB talking, am I right?
Oh it... I was doing so good.
Great, and then...
you got into this casino with all the lights
and the sound, and it brought you back.
You just got a little lost.
All the lights, they said were so pretty.
You just got a little lost.
I don't, I don't...
Hey, who's dick do I have to suck to get my dick sucked?
Not now, lazy
Billy.
Hello, lover.
Believe it or not, I'm letting you go.
Even though I was the one who was talking to the OTB people...
and I was the one talking to the others...
pumping them... and pumping you
for answers to your true motives.
Still, I wouldn't want anyone locking you up in a cage.
Why would I do that? I can't have you.
We don't belong to each other,
people don't belong to other people.
A free spirit.
A wild thing.
A tough guy like you,
all you need are garbage cans and rats galore.
So scram, go.
Get out of here, go!
You're just chicken, that's all.
You got no guts.
You're afraid someone is going to lock you in that cage.
Well, baby,
you are already in that cage
and it's a cage you built yourself.
And your cage is in West Bank,
Tupelo, Texas or east of Somaliland.
It's wherever you go, because no matter where you go,
you always end up running right back into yourself.
Well, kids, here we are.
Like I said in the beginning, I worked my way backwards.
Well, now you know, as much as I do.
Our greed, narcissism, nepotism,
womanism took our little plan down to its knees.
Oh, Uncle Jackie,
you can blame himself for letting it blow up.
But the mastermind of deceit was that little purple coated,
pubic hair Kitcity Katchity.
You see, I thought it was free white, 21,
money in hand and my genitals still in working order.
But the fat lady ain't sung yet, you see,
I should have seen it coming.
That is what she said.
He did it again to me.
I messed myself good when that little sock puppet
ambushed me on the way to Mexico,
popping up in my back seat,
sticking his filthy gun in my good hair.
He was never, ever going to share any of anything with me.
Just like before, I should have known!
All right, you little fucking purple faggot,
zing pow wow this, motherfucker!
No, not you!
Zing pow, bébé.
There go the neighborhood.
You know, I'm his mother.
You know... me and Mr. K, didn't always see eye to eye.
But the morning that he died, I went out and got him
a racing ticket one last time.
And you know what?
It's a winner.
So, he went out a winner.
I just lose sleep at night thinking about my poor Jackie,
all alone in that prison cell.
No one to cuddle with, no one to kiss his head...
applies creams, he needs his creams.
Oh, Jackie you got to, you got to,
you need your creams, baby Jackie.
He needs his creams...
Well we're still trying to get over it.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
People and the media, of course,
have just tarnished our name.
We look so bad and we're just, we're really trying
to work through it and come out looking on,
better and on top.
I just can't believe that happened.
That's... that's so awful.
It's not who we are.
Like, we're way better than that.
- Exactly. - We're really nice people.
So nice. I don't understand.
I don't get it.
Sadly, Sparkles and I broke up the next week.
I really hope it works out for them.
May they burn in hell for what they did.
And so I wrote a book about it.
Revenge is sweet.
Yeah!
Christmas!
Jackie is like... chewing gum
on the bottom of your shoe.
You can never get rid of him.
The more you pull, the more he sticks to you.
Jackie'll always make a comeback and we'll be right there...
Yeah, we'll be there.
We'll be there as long as we can.
You know, there's an old saying, scared money never wins.
But I'd tell you, stupid money...
is an entirely different subject.
And these two wrote the book on stupid.
You know, Kitchity Katchity... Which camera are we on?
Fuck you, and fuck you, Jackie.
Fuck all of you.
Thank you. Good afternoon.
My name is Detective Johnson.
I'm from the crime scene unit.
This is where we found the vehicle,
a Lincoln Continental.
We believe there was a struggle inside the car...
that caused the car to go off the road and flip over.
Mr. Katchity was thrown from the vehicle.
Mr. Fontaine, found a trail of blood,
we believe crawled through
where the front window would have been.
This was not unusual.
What was unusual... was the impressions...
of a woman's high heel stiletto footprints
all over where the body would have been.
But when we found Mr. Fontaine,
we believe, from the state he was in...
and obviously, the brutality of this crime scene...
We believe Mr. Katchity, uh,
Mr. Fontaine killed... and ate Mr. Katchity.
Suck my dick, cocksucker!
You don't know what you're doing to me, huh?
Take this one, I'm taking this with me.
Son of b.......
Fuck you.
Monkey, if I have to show you that one more time...
Jackie, how do you come up with that stuff?
I've heard that a million times.
More times, matter of fact, 'member the time
I was talking about Betty and her gal?
You know, when Betty'd come over
and she'd pop something on her foot.
Murderer.
You killed Kitchity Katchity.
It's nobody. You got something to say?
You killed Kitchity Katchity
and left him in the desert to die.
Listen here, pal.
You better keep your mouth shut, you understand?
You left wing fudge-packing...
You son of a b.......
What's happened to me?
What have I become?
Oh, my God.
Sorry, guys.
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Zing pow wow. Jackie Fontaine here. Hey.
Welcome to my new, humble abode, okay?
We're downsizing, you know? That's the best way to go.
That's what we, the corporate people do it all the time.
I learned my lesson, okay?
We're downsizing and and outsourcing
and all that stuff.
Matter of fact, I got my very own
telemarketer man-boy right here.
Julio, you're say, hello, Julio?
- Hola. - Hola.
I don't know if he said,
blow me a hello or goodbye or whatever.
But you know, I'm learning.
He's teaching me, I'm teaching him, you know?
Hey, El Morocco.
Anyways, we're going to be back in Vegas.
We're going to be everywhere.
Hey, you need to get that out of there, okay?
Anyways, you know, um.
Would you put that paperweight away too, Jesus Christ.
Anyways, I tell you help nowadays.
You know, you can't buy help, you can't get help.
I'll tell you what, speaking of help...
Would you be quiet back there?
It's my moment.
I sure do miss my little pal, Kitchity Katchity.
I'll tell you what, that little guy,
he brought so much joy to my life.
God rest his soul.
But, you know, he'd want us to pick ourselves up
by our bootstraps and continue on,
and that's what we're going to do, okay?
All right. See you later.
Julio, let me show you how it's, work.
We've got to start putting this sh... back together, okay?
Okay, put the piñatas in the place.
Oh, hey.
Zing pow wow. Your old Uncle Jackie here.
You know, as long as I've been in show business,
well, a night like this is very difficult
because unfortunately,
this is Uncle Jackie's last and final show.
I know, I know, but don't worry.
Old Uncle Jackie'll get by somehow, you know?
I'm like one of them old dirty panties.
I mean pennies.
I'm going to show up somewhere.
You know it, but, you know,
before they pull the plug on your Uncle Jackie here,
I want to share something for you.
Okay? I got a letter from a fan
and this fan calls themselves my number one fan,
and I believe 'em.
I'd like to read this letter to you.
"Dear Jackie, I'm just a small town kid
from one of those crappy countries.
We don't get much like you big shots out here in America...
but the goulash ain't bad.
But when I watched you on TV,
doing one of your live from Las Vegas shows...
...it makes me feel like I could be someone.
You inspired me to dream.
And I know this is your very last show,
but could you sing the Buster Guy theme song
one last time?
Signed, best regards your biggest fan."
Why couldn't all of you out there
take a lesson from that true fan?
Well, I'll tell you what, number one fan.
It's been a while, I'm going to do my best.
Yeah, could you put the cue card up there?
Good. Okay, here we go.
♪ Who's that cat roughing up that chum? ♪
♪ Who's that dick beating down the pimp? ♪
♪ Who's the dude kicking' ass on the fly? ♪
♪ Watch out! ♪
♪ It's Buster Guy! ♪
♪ Buster Guy! ♪
♪ Private eye! ♪
♪ He's that cat in disguise, Buster Guy ♪
♪ Private eye! ♪
♪ Buster Guy, private eye ♪
♪ Mess them up then say bye-bye ♪
♪ Buster Guy, private eye ♪
♪ He's the cat and he'll kill ya high ♪
♪ Watch out! ♪
♪ Bang bang ♪
♪ It's Buster Guy! ♪
Ha! Oh, get over here.
- Yes. - Yes.
- You know, I was thinking. - Were you?
Well, yeah, I guess, I guess I was too.
The whole thing was just stupid.
Yeah, it was.
- Beneath us, really. - Yeah, it was.
We've had a lot of things beneath us, huh?
Just dumb.
Yeah, it was pretty, uh, pretty dumb.
- Stupid. - Yeah.