1
00:00:48,723 --> 00:00:50,393
Say farewell, babies.
2
00:00:50,525 --> 00:00:52,694
Two con men walk into a bar,
3
00:00:52,827 --> 00:00:54,196
I can't remember
the punch line,
4
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,432
but this time
it ain't no joke.
5
00:00:57,099 --> 00:01:00,236
How could such a good plan
get so screwed up?
6
00:01:00,369 --> 00:01:03,239
I guess if greed and constantly
being under the influence
7
00:01:03,372 --> 00:01:05,107
are to blame then
8
00:01:05,241 --> 00:01:08,177
I'm as guilty as a hooker
on crack and Kitchity Katchity
9
00:01:08,310 --> 00:01:11,047
is as guilty
as a crack on a hooker.
10
00:01:11,746 --> 00:01:13,382
This ain't no pleasant story,
11
00:01:13,516 --> 00:01:15,917
but it sure
is an unbelievable adventure
12
00:01:16,052 --> 00:01:18,354
filled with busty women,
fast cars,
13
00:01:18,487 --> 00:01:19,854
a buttload of money
14
00:01:19,989 --> 00:01:21,556
and a hell of a lot of
broken promises
15
00:01:21,689 --> 00:01:23,259
and crushed dreams.
16
00:01:23,825 --> 00:01:27,430
I'm going to have to start
at the end and work my way back.
17
00:01:28,064 --> 00:01:30,598
That's what she said.
18
00:01:39,741 --> 00:01:43,145
Two Vegas icons crumbled...
19
00:01:43,279 --> 00:01:46,681
tonight at the Grand
re-re-opening of the casino
20
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,451
just off the Vegas Strip.
21
00:01:48,583 --> 00:01:53,355
Police believe the celebrity
has-been duo of, uh,
22
00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:56,958
Jackie Fontaine
and Kitchity Katchity
23
00:01:57,093 --> 00:02:00,996
staged a fake beauty pageant
to benefit the OTB foundation.
24
00:02:01,963 --> 00:02:04,666
The duo's shady
dealings were exposed
25
00:02:04,799 --> 00:02:06,135
during the night's events,
26
00:02:06,268 --> 00:02:07,969
causing the two
to flee the scene.
27
00:02:08,770 --> 00:02:10,406
Their getaway car
was found just
28
00:02:10,539 --> 00:02:12,241
a few hours outside of Vegas.
29
00:02:12,374 --> 00:02:15,777
Police believe there was
a struggle inside the car,
30
00:02:15,910 --> 00:02:18,080
causing it to flip off
the side of the road.
31
00:02:18,646 --> 00:02:23,586
Jackie Fontaine was found
wandering the Mexican border,
32
00:02:23,718 --> 00:02:26,688
while Kitchity Katchity...
33
00:02:26,821 --> 00:02:29,724
still remains at large.
34
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:35,498
Oh, no, Becky,
they're right here, right now.
35
00:02:36,098 --> 00:02:37,866
It's something to do with, um,
36
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,835
with the OTB people,
they're here right now.
37
00:02:40,969 --> 00:02:43,805
A motion picture company
is right in here, right now,
38
00:02:43,938 --> 00:02:46,875
and they're taking my photograph
right now as we speak.
39
00:02:47,009 --> 00:02:49,445
That's why I can't talk
too long, sweetheart.
40
00:02:49,578 --> 00:02:51,480
No, it's something about...
41
00:02:51,614 --> 00:02:55,050
all the girls that Jackie
has assembled at one point,
42
00:02:55,184 --> 00:02:57,620
you know, with the big tushies
and everything, I don't know.
43
00:02:57,752 --> 00:02:59,488
Some kind of scandal
or something.
44
00:02:59,989 --> 00:03:01,290
I know, I have to go.
45
00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:02,690
This might help,
46
00:03:02,824 --> 00:03:04,226
maybe they're going
to get 'em off.
47
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:08,430
Oh, oh, you're so funny.
48
00:03:09,165 --> 00:03:11,467
I don't think
it's anything like that, though.
49
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,569
I know my dear boy.
50
00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:15,837
Okay, goodbye.
51
00:03:15,970 --> 00:03:17,606
Tell Ted I said hello.
52
00:03:18,507 --> 00:03:21,743
Oh, you know, Becky,
is just full of herself.
53
00:03:21,876 --> 00:03:24,413
She's as excited
as I am about everything.
54
00:03:25,147 --> 00:03:27,782
She can talk up a storm,
you know.
55
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:30,252
Anyways,
get back to my sandwich, here.
56
00:03:30,386 --> 00:03:32,988
Look at that, this beautiful
sandwich that I made.
57
00:03:33,122 --> 00:03:35,790
Jackie used to love when
I made sandwiches like this.
58
00:03:36,458 --> 00:03:39,328
You know, he used to have
girls over all the time
59
00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,330
in his bedroom and stuff,
60
00:03:41,463 --> 00:03:43,365
and they would always
be practicing.
61
00:03:46,168 --> 00:03:48,703
I would hear them
practicing all night.
62
00:03:48,836 --> 00:03:51,173
You know, na-na, na-na,
things like that.
63
00:03:51,706 --> 00:03:53,942
And I'd go, Jackie,
your father's going to kill you
64
00:03:54,076 --> 00:03:55,810
if you mess up
those sheets again!
65
00:03:56,579 --> 00:04:00,282
And then I would realize
his father's not coming home.
66
00:04:00,416 --> 00:04:02,518
He went out
for a pack of cigarettes,
67
00:04:02,651 --> 00:04:03,885
and never came back.
68
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,324
Anyways,
let me get myself a drink here.
69
00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:13,195
Oh, yes.
70
00:04:14,330 --> 00:04:17,499
Let's go watch Pat Sajak,
shall we?
71
00:04:22,338 --> 00:04:25,541
Jersey-born,
I knew I was destined for fame
72
00:04:25,674 --> 00:04:28,244
and fortune
when at the age of seven,
73
00:04:28,377 --> 00:04:30,246
I won a local talent contest.
74
00:04:30,778 --> 00:04:34,516
I dropped the mic and started
shouting "zing, pow wow!"
75
00:04:35,251 --> 00:04:37,720
And a star was born, babies.
76
00:04:37,852 --> 00:04:39,887
Ah, those friggin' birds.
77
00:04:40,022 --> 00:04:42,157
Oh, right, we need the birds
78
00:04:42,291 --> 00:04:44,493
or we're not
a legit documentary.
79
00:04:45,694 --> 00:04:49,598
Let me show you what he looked
like when he was on that show.
80
00:04:50,232 --> 00:04:54,069
Here he was, little Jackie. Oh.
81
00:04:54,203 --> 00:04:58,007
He used to poop himself a lot,
Jackie did.
82
00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:00,409
I think it was
God's way of saying,
83
00:05:00,542 --> 00:05:03,445
you need to pay attention
to your little son.
84
00:05:04,246 --> 00:05:06,248
And I would rub
his little tush.
85
00:05:10,753 --> 00:05:12,521
Did you want any sandwich?
86
00:05:12,655 --> 00:05:14,089
And then here's,
87
00:05:14,223 --> 00:05:16,292
Jackie sent me this
from Las Vegas.
88
00:05:16,425 --> 00:05:19,728
He's a lovely boy,
he always enjoyed...
89
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:22,131
sending me things
from far away.
90
00:05:22,264 --> 00:05:25,401
And then,
I'm so proud of this,
91
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,403
he got me an award.
92
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,438
I don't know what it's for
'cause the plaque,
93
00:05:29,571 --> 00:05:32,074
it came off of it
but he said, 'ma,
94
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,344
he used to call me 'ma,
you're a star in my book.
95
00:05:35,477 --> 00:05:38,414
And I used to cry a lot
about things like that.
96
00:05:39,481 --> 00:05:42,917
This was the 70s,
Jackie was hot.
97
00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:45,521
Buster Guy was the hot show.
98
00:05:45,654 --> 00:05:48,524
Jackie was doing live shows
five nights a week.
99
00:05:48,657 --> 00:05:52,494
I don't know where he found
the energy, but boy,
100
00:05:52,628 --> 00:05:55,464
he had it
and there was this...
101
00:05:56,432 --> 00:05:59,934
this other kid, this new kid
who had his own act.
102
00:06:01,036 --> 00:06:02,304
It was really taking off.
103
00:06:02,438 --> 00:06:04,373
It was like this
Yakov Smirnoff thing.
104
00:06:04,506 --> 00:06:06,542
Like, he was talking about
how his country was different
105
00:06:06,675 --> 00:06:07,810
from our country.
106
00:06:07,942 --> 00:06:09,311
Total rip off,
107
00:06:09,445 --> 00:06:12,548
but it was the 80s,
so nobody cared.
108
00:06:12,681 --> 00:06:14,916
I brought
the kid into the lights
109
00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:18,053
and I was the only one
who saw more than just
110
00:06:18,187 --> 00:06:21,123
a little purple-coloured
rat squeaky toy.
111
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:25,694
He met that Clackity-Cloackity,
whatever his name was,
112
00:06:25,828 --> 00:06:27,229
that little furry thing,
113
00:06:27,363 --> 00:06:29,231
I don't,
to this day, understand...
114
00:06:29,365 --> 00:06:30,999
Now, here's a secret.
115
00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:33,202
Kitchity Katchity
ain't got no papers.
116
00:06:33,335 --> 00:06:35,471
He got in the U.S. of A.
by being a mule
117
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,206
for his cousin, Cudai.
118
00:06:37,339 --> 00:06:40,942
Word is Kitchity owes Cudai
a buttload of cash,
119
00:06:41,076 --> 00:06:43,312
no pun intended.
120
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,614
You know,
they met at my table.
121
00:06:46,248 --> 00:06:48,250
When they first come here,
they didn't know a soul.
122
00:06:48,384 --> 00:06:49,917
Mostly,
they'd just sit around
123
00:06:50,052 --> 00:06:51,487
trying to cheat each other.
124
00:06:52,721 --> 00:06:54,189
Hey, the gang's all here.
125
00:06:54,323 --> 00:06:56,225
I don't believe it.
126
00:06:56,358 --> 00:06:58,160
You two old cronies
are still alive?
127
00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,828
Oh my.
128
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,929
They just didn't
get along all the time.
129
00:07:02,064 --> 00:07:03,298
Liquor, drugs
and booze and women...
130
00:07:03,432 --> 00:07:04,533
Women!
131
00:07:04,666 --> 00:07:06,135
Yeah, that's what was
the problem.
132
00:07:06,268 --> 00:07:07,569
The women,
the booze, the drugs.
133
00:07:07,703 --> 00:07:09,304
And then they'd fight over
the women.
134
00:07:09,438 --> 00:07:11,306
Yeah, right, but I think
they loved each other.
135
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:15,144
Kitchity Katchity became
the fan favorite breakout star
136
00:07:15,277 --> 00:07:17,045
for the TV show Buster Guy.
137
00:07:17,179 --> 00:07:18,647
After a pay dispute
138
00:07:18,781 --> 00:07:22,284
at the end of the first year
as a series regular,
139
00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:24,820
he moved out to L.A.
and we took him on.
140
00:07:24,952 --> 00:07:27,022
He went commercial, man.
141
00:07:27,156 --> 00:07:29,191
He really wanted
your Uncle Tom on his back.
142
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:33,128
Uh, he... he left us.
143
00:07:33,262 --> 00:07:36,365
We knew he didn't have
the right temperament
144
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:39,934
for a kid show,
but we had the opportunity
145
00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:43,372
to replace Ranger Rob
on his TV show,
146
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:48,010
and we jumped on it
and he made it work.
147
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:50,945
The statistics don't lie.
148
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,081
Kids love purple.
149
00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:55,950
He was miserable,
artistically.
150
00:07:56,618 --> 00:07:59,455
Spending money
as fast as he was making it.
151
00:08:00,122 --> 00:08:02,957
And word of the drinking
152
00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:05,127
and the life he was living
153
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:08,564
was being put out
for the public.
154
00:08:09,231 --> 00:08:11,467
So... mid-season
155
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,969
we replaced him
with the YouTuber Poopy.
156
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:19,475
He said he was never going
to share the spotlight again.
157
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,244
♪ I got my sugar ♪
158
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,646
I should have
seen it coming.
159
00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:29,351
His drooling like Pavlov's dogs
at any mention of a gig,
160
00:08:29,485 --> 00:08:33,522
his outrageous temper tantrums
when the Hennessy ran out.
161
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:35,824
Kitchity Katchity had an agenda
162
00:08:35,958 --> 00:08:38,193
that put old Beelzebub
himself to shame.
163
00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:40,429
Yeah, this hurts me
as much as it hurts you.
164
00:08:42,764 --> 00:08:45,200
I had created a monster.
165
00:08:47,102 --> 00:08:48,203
Aw, yes.
166
00:08:53,475 --> 00:08:56,378
He was so done
doing anything with kids.
167
00:08:56,512 --> 00:09:00,349
He hated kids.
They made him sick.
168
00:09:01,183 --> 00:09:03,886
So he flew off to Vegas
169
00:09:04,019 --> 00:09:07,489
and...
went to find Jackie for help.
170
00:09:08,891 --> 00:09:11,193
That's when he wrote...
171
00:09:11,326 --> 00:09:15,764
Bible School Sluts
from Outer Space.
172
00:09:16,832 --> 00:09:19,501
He wanted to show off
his acting chops.
173
00:09:19,635 --> 00:09:22,204
He wanted to reinvent himself
174
00:09:22,337 --> 00:09:25,307
and he needed to do
something big, something...
175
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,277
like... like
Ten Commandments big.
176
00:09:34,082 --> 00:09:35,551
Oh? Heavenly star command?
177
00:09:36,652 --> 00:09:38,053
Do you copy?
178
00:09:40,222 --> 00:09:43,358
Oh, no. Kitchi-poo!
179
00:09:46,528 --> 00:09:49,965
You there, girl.
Get me off!
180
00:09:50,098 --> 00:09:51,533
No one would touch him.
181
00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:53,635
No one.
182
00:09:55,170 --> 00:09:58,640
He was broke when that flopped.
183
00:09:59,274 --> 00:10:01,310
He said he wanted
to go to Vegas
184
00:10:01,443 --> 00:10:04,047
and "relive the glory days"?
185
00:10:05,014 --> 00:10:07,482
He said he had to go
hook up with Jackie again.
186
00:10:07,616 --> 00:10:12,321
Oh, he left me with nothing.
187
00:10:12,955 --> 00:10:15,223
He left me with this.
188
00:10:15,992 --> 00:10:17,259
"Dear sweetness,
189
00:10:17,392 --> 00:10:19,528
as you well know,
I've messed up.
190
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:23,365
Unfortunately, the only solution
is to leave L.A. forever."
191
00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:26,069
I'm behind
six months on the utilities.
192
00:10:26,201 --> 00:10:30,238
I owe the bank 50k and I also
owe Rizzo a thousand,
193
00:10:30,372 --> 00:10:33,042
and Kermit 500,
I think.
194
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:34,543
As you well know,
195
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,012
I didn't spend it
on other women,
196
00:10:36,144 --> 00:10:37,479
but on the horse races.
197
00:10:37,613 --> 00:10:39,748
Please,
kiss the Corvette for me.
198
00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:42,351
I'm behind
on the car payments, too.
199
00:10:42,484 --> 00:10:44,186
I also owe 800 to Elmo.
200
00:10:44,319 --> 00:10:46,089
Careful, he's shady.
201
00:10:46,221 --> 00:10:47,923
"Sincerely,
your Kitchi-pie."
202
00:10:50,093 --> 00:10:51,426
Hey, hey, hey, now.
203
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,528
You questioning
the validity of OTB?
204
00:10:53,662 --> 00:10:57,132
You haven't the audacity
to make judgment
205
00:10:57,265 --> 00:11:00,669
of the existence of the very
affliction that has crippled
206
00:11:00,802 --> 00:11:03,305
so many of my friends
and colleagues?
207
00:11:03,438 --> 00:11:05,041
Unbelievable.
208
00:11:05,173 --> 00:11:07,376
You're just like
all the other lame brains.
209
00:11:07,509 --> 00:11:10,846
I bet you'd even go
as far as to accuse me
210
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:15,183
and Kitchity Katchity
of making this OTB horror up.
211
00:11:15,917 --> 00:11:20,056
Well, I'll have you know that
OTB is as real as it comes.
212
00:11:20,188 --> 00:11:24,359
Because in broken knee caps,
lost wages, divorce,
213
00:11:24,493 --> 00:11:27,195
and even degenerative
degenerate syndrome,
214
00:11:27,329 --> 00:11:31,166
like that which has attacked
my buddy Kitchity Katchity.
215
00:11:32,267 --> 00:11:34,070
Yes, he, my friends,
216
00:11:34,202 --> 00:11:38,173
is on the top of the spectrum
of afflictional diseases.
217
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:40,709
Yeah, you go Google that.
218
00:11:44,513 --> 00:11:47,349
Oh, yeah. That's nice.
219
00:11:48,350 --> 00:11:49,885
Oh, hey, welcome
220
00:11:50,019 --> 00:11:52,354
that the Up All Night Show
with me,
221
00:11:52,487 --> 00:11:56,425
your host with the most,
Jackie Fontaine.
222
00:11:56,558 --> 00:11:59,394
I put the zing, pow, wow
223
00:11:59,528 --> 00:12:01,396
back in your dusty old box.
224
00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:04,900
Oh, I love that so much
entertainment is in our blood.
225
00:12:05,034 --> 00:12:06,768
Yes, it is.
226
00:12:09,971 --> 00:12:13,542
Oh. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah.
227
00:12:14,643 --> 00:12:16,645
Come on out, baby.
228
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,048
Where's Kitchity Katchity at,
yeah?
229
00:12:25,887 --> 00:12:29,357
It's Kitchity Katchity time,.
230
00:12:31,259 --> 00:12:33,929
You see, some time
after I lost my show,
231
00:12:34,063 --> 00:12:35,964
and started running
out of money,
232
00:12:36,099 --> 00:12:37,866
I wasn't feeling so well.
233
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,501
I went to my doctor
234
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:41,703
and that's when he said
"unfortunately...
235
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,540
you've come down with...
236
00:12:46,775 --> 00:12:48,610
OTB."
237
00:12:48,744 --> 00:12:51,813
Oh, God, no.
238
00:12:51,947 --> 00:12:54,883
Not the OTB.
239
00:12:55,017 --> 00:12:56,651
I can't believe it.
240
00:12:56,785 --> 00:12:58,854
Is there anything that Jackie
can do for you, huh?
241
00:12:58,988 --> 00:13:00,522
Yes, there is, Jackie.
242
00:13:01,157 --> 00:13:05,260
You see, medical research
has come a long way...
243
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:07,196
but they need funding.
244
00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:08,897
So I thought to myself,
245
00:13:09,031 --> 00:13:12,434
what can I do to bring
awareness to OTB?
246
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:14,036
And I said to myself,
247
00:13:14,170 --> 00:13:16,671
you do what you do best,
old boy.
248
00:13:16,805 --> 00:13:20,542
Exploiting hot young
for personal gain.
249
00:13:21,610 --> 00:13:25,380
A beauty pageant
to bring awareness to OTBs!
250
00:13:27,016 --> 00:13:28,583
That is a great
251
00:13:28,717 --> 00:13:31,053
idea. Truly inspirational idea.
252
00:13:31,187 --> 00:13:33,955
You got there
with beauties like Baby,
253
00:13:34,090 --> 00:13:36,192
- why they would just blow...
- Yes.
254
00:13:36,324 --> 00:13:37,926
...any ignorant minds.
255
00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:39,795
- Oh, it's great.
- Yes. Yes!
256
00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:42,864
Yes, but I can't
do this alone.
257
00:13:43,398 --> 00:13:45,001
Jackie Fontaine,
258
00:13:45,134 --> 00:13:48,503
I need your help
to lead people to water
259
00:13:48,637 --> 00:13:51,973
so that they may drink
from the cup of knowledge.
260
00:13:52,108 --> 00:13:55,443
Only you with your
clear blue eyes
261
00:13:55,577 --> 00:13:57,146
with a roguish snap,
262
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,948
providing us many years
of quality entertainment,
263
00:14:00,082 --> 00:14:02,484
as well as providing DNA
for half the cast of
264
00:14:02,617 --> 00:14:04,187
- the Jersey Shore.
- Hey, hey, hey!
265
00:14:04,319 --> 00:14:06,421
Will you help bring
awareness to my cause?
266
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:07,889
Yes.
267
00:14:08,024 --> 00:14:11,294
Help me bring
awareness to OTBs.
268
00:14:11,426 --> 00:14:13,328
Yes, I will.
269
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,198
Calls were made
and ads placed
270
00:14:15,330 --> 00:14:17,166
and favors were redeemed.
271
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:21,369
We reserved time on my super
access cable television show,
272
00:14:21,503 --> 00:14:23,538
which was full of hutzpah.
273
00:14:23,972 --> 00:14:27,342
Oh, the magic
was in motion, babies.
274
00:14:27,876 --> 00:14:30,812
And then somehow
all this beauty pageant,
275
00:14:30,946 --> 00:14:33,849
and all in the name
of the OTB.
276
00:14:37,786 --> 00:14:39,454
Thank you for calling
Jackie Fontaine's
277
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:42,058
Cavalcade of Celebrities
and Super Spotlights Glued
278
00:14:42,191 --> 00:14:46,062
to the Truth and
for any short cases as Telethon.
279
00:14:51,334 --> 00:14:52,701
I'm a mom.
280
00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:54,502
I'm a nurse practitioner.
281
00:14:54,636 --> 00:14:56,471
A professional poker player.
282
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,040
I'm a librarian.
283
00:14:58,406 --> 00:14:59,908
President
of my local bingo club.
284
00:15:00,042 --> 00:15:02,577
- I'm someone's brother.
- I'm a detective.
285
00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:04,313
I'm a granddaughter.
286
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,848
And I'm also an American.
287
00:15:06,983 --> 00:15:08,383
Proud American.
288
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,052
- I'm an American.
- American.
289
00:15:10,186 --> 00:15:11,220
- American.
- American.
290
00:15:11,354 --> 00:15:13,089
...and I suffer from OTB.
291
00:15:13,222 --> 00:15:14,923
I suffer from OTB.
292
00:15:15,057 --> 00:15:18,227
- And I suffer from OTB.
- It's really up.
293
00:15:18,361 --> 00:15:19,961
Hold on, yes, grandpa.
294
00:15:20,096 --> 00:15:22,098
Yes, yes, yes,
I will tell them.
295
00:15:22,231 --> 00:15:23,965
And I have bookies to pay.
296
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,102
Please stand, united.
297
00:15:26,235 --> 00:15:27,336
Let's stand united.
298
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:29,437
So let's all stand together.
299
00:15:29,571 --> 00:15:31,040
Let's all join together
300
00:15:31,173 --> 00:15:34,442
and support
the Miss OTB Pageant.
301
00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:36,312
For his sake.
302
00:15:36,444 --> 00:15:38,513
Hi, folks,
Jackie Fontaine here.
303
00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:42,118
And did you know that 60 percent
of the 20 percent of the people
304
00:15:42,251 --> 00:15:45,087
you just saw are dealing
with the awful affliction
305
00:15:45,221 --> 00:15:47,123
of OTB in their lives?
306
00:15:47,256 --> 00:15:50,825
But did you also know
that stars and celebrities
307
00:15:50,959 --> 00:15:53,762
and rich people
and more important people
308
00:15:53,895 --> 00:15:55,998
are dealing with OTB, too.
309
00:15:56,132 --> 00:15:59,068
like my good friend here,
Kitchity Katchity.
310
00:15:59,201 --> 00:16:01,103
Please,
won't you see it
311
00:16:01,237 --> 00:16:04,106
from the bottom of your heart
to help support
312
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:05,840
the OTB Foundation?
313
00:16:05,974 --> 00:16:07,709
You can come out and support
314
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:11,846
the Miss OTB beauty pageant
with beautiful women.
315
00:16:11,981 --> 00:16:14,683
So please,
if you don't do it for yourself,
316
00:16:14,816 --> 00:16:16,685
do it for America.
317
00:16:16,818 --> 00:16:20,655
Do it for the man above,
but please, do it.
318
00:16:20,789 --> 00:16:24,160
So here's a heartfelt
zing pow wow to you,
319
00:16:24,293 --> 00:16:26,028
and thanks for your support.
320
00:16:26,162 --> 00:16:28,331
Do we get your support,
sweetheart?
321
00:16:28,463 --> 00:16:30,066
Yeah, I am, baby.
322
00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:32,034
See? Thanks, folks.
323
00:16:33,568 --> 00:16:35,870
Right off the bat,
the word on the street
324
00:16:36,005 --> 00:16:37,939
is that the pageant was rigged.
325
00:16:38,074 --> 00:16:39,908
Really, I can't say that
I don't blame people
326
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,411
for saying that, after all,
327
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,646
it was being held for free
328
00:16:44,779 --> 00:16:47,083
at our old stomping grounds
at Casino.
329
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:50,086
Yes, we hosted
the Miss OTB Pageant.
330
00:16:50,219 --> 00:16:51,753
We couldn't be happier
about it.
331
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:55,757
Jackie and Kitchity
were like prodigal sons,
332
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:58,593
a family returned to home.
333
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,696
Of course, nothing
is for free in this world.
334
00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:04,100
Even if it is
the casino stage,
335
00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:06,501
a stage that we had
to share the rental
336
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:10,805
of between the local junior
high production of Our Town
337
00:17:10,939 --> 00:17:14,043
and the Vegas Ladies
Quilting Awards Banquet.
338
00:17:14,176 --> 00:17:17,046
Also,
it didn't hurt that
339
00:17:17,179 --> 00:17:21,083
the casino was owned and built
by an ex-smalltime bookie
340
00:17:21,217 --> 00:17:23,651
from the rough side
of the tracks of Milwaukee.
341
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:26,055
Butch,
the bookie of ,
342
00:17:26,188 --> 00:17:28,823
an old friend of ours
who it was rumored
343
00:17:28,957 --> 00:17:32,094
had passed away recently
from OTB.
344
00:17:32,794 --> 00:17:35,398
Now his son, Butch
the bookie took over.
345
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:38,467
And of course,
the bookie junior, Butch,
346
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,870
didn't seem to fall
too far from the Kratch tree,
347
00:17:42,004 --> 00:17:44,572
if you know what I mean.
348
00:17:45,573 --> 00:17:47,609
I'm Butch Snyder, junior,
349
00:17:47,742 --> 00:17:50,212
and I run this magical place,
350
00:17:50,346 --> 00:17:53,748
the Casino
in downtown Las Vegas.
351
00:17:53,882 --> 00:17:56,751
You know,
all casinos have lobbies,
352
00:17:56,885 --> 00:18:01,090
but at the Casino,
have we got a lobby!
353
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:07,929
You know, all casinos
and all hotels have rooms,
354
00:18:08,064 --> 00:18:12,700
but at the Casino,
have we got rooms!
355
00:18:14,537 --> 00:18:19,607
And, of course,
all casinos have restaurants.
356
00:18:21,576 --> 00:18:26,215
But at the Casino?
Have we got a restaurants!
357
00:18:27,782 --> 00:18:30,685
Yes, there's no casino
in the world
358
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:35,690
like the Casino
in downtown Las Vegas.
359
00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:37,493
I was Jackie's
personal assistant
360
00:18:37,625 --> 00:18:40,062
for about 20 plus
wonderful years.
361
00:18:40,196 --> 00:18:42,131
He liked to praise
the go-for women.
362
00:18:42,264 --> 00:18:44,533
Go for this,
go for that he would say.
363
00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:48,670
Oh... it was just like one of
those baby hairless monkeys
364
00:18:48,803 --> 00:18:50,939
you want to roll around
on the floor with.
365
00:18:51,639 --> 00:18:53,042
Linoleum, I might add.
366
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:55,777
I used to clean his home
and did his laundry,
367
00:18:55,910 --> 00:18:57,779
hand-washed.
368
00:18:57,912 --> 00:18:59,681
No, Jackie never paid me back.
369
00:18:59,814 --> 00:19:02,617
He owed me money.
370
00:19:05,521 --> 00:19:09,924
Hey, guys, thanks for coming
down here and waiting for us.
371
00:19:10,925 --> 00:19:13,728
Our little deer here,
she's not much of a day person.
372
00:19:14,563 --> 00:19:17,533
Sometimes I wake up
and I don't know where I am.
373
00:19:17,665 --> 00:19:18,833
You I had to be there.
374
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:25,474
Yeah, but this pageant,
it's been really good for us.
375
00:19:26,509 --> 00:19:29,078
Except for the fact that
it's being hosted at the Casino.
376
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:32,747
But I mean, our girl here
she's, you know,
377
00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:34,583
she's got a schedule
to keep now
378
00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,153
and goals to strive and aim for.
379
00:19:37,286 --> 00:19:39,221
And she's meeting
a lot of new people.
380
00:19:39,355 --> 00:19:41,457
So I think
it's been really good for her.
381
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,337
Whoa.
382
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,313
Oh, oh.
383
00:20:13,122 --> 00:20:15,291
I just love my life
as a dancer.
384
00:20:15,424 --> 00:20:18,160
I've met some really
interesting people.
385
00:20:18,294 --> 00:20:20,563
And I've learned
a whole lot about myself.
386
00:20:20,695 --> 00:20:23,865
Yep, I just love it
when I learn important stuff,
387
00:20:23,999 --> 00:20:26,768
all by accident.
388
00:20:27,403 --> 00:20:29,505
I never thought
I'd be in a pageant.
389
00:20:29,638 --> 00:20:32,675
So I wanted, I thought
it'd be a good idea to use it
390
00:20:32,807 --> 00:20:35,211
as a platform to promote
my charity idea I came up with.
391
00:20:35,344 --> 00:20:38,581
We are a family
with standards, you see.
392
00:20:38,713 --> 00:20:40,882
And, um, as...
393
00:20:41,016 --> 00:20:42,717
And as a, as a charity...
394
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,286
- Mom...
- Give that to me.
395
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:45,688
Just going to show it.
396
00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,489
As charity minded...
397
00:20:47,623 --> 00:20:49,857
as charity minded people,
398
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:53,962
I just want to...
I just want to help people
399
00:20:54,096 --> 00:20:55,497
who are in difficult times.
400
00:20:55,631 --> 00:20:57,066
So the... resource
401
00:20:57,199 --> 00:20:58,701
that I came up with
for my charity is...
402
00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,169
Charity.
403
00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:02,671
Our family
has an obligation.
404
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:05,708
And if that involves
a noble charity,
405
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,809
well then I say, so be it.
406
00:21:07,942 --> 00:21:10,346
You know, I had actually
never even heard
407
00:21:10,479 --> 00:21:15,251
of this Jackie Fountain before
or this itchy fellow.
408
00:21:16,485 --> 00:21:17,785
His name is Kit Kat.
409
00:21:17,919 --> 00:21:20,422
And, but I want to know because
410
00:21:20,556 --> 00:21:23,058
I wasn't allowed to watch
anything on TV where...
411
00:21:23,192 --> 00:21:26,195
Again,
we're a charity minded people.
412
00:21:26,328 --> 00:21:30,099
And we are often blinded
by good intentions.
413
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,102
Oh, bullshit.
414
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:35,638
Yeah, right.
415
00:21:35,770 --> 00:21:37,506
Because you said
colleges for fools
416
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,708
and IT schools are scams.
417
00:21:39,841 --> 00:21:41,176
All the commercials
late at night.
418
00:21:41,310 --> 00:21:46,348
We'll have no talk
of trade schools on film.
419
00:21:46,482 --> 00:21:47,782
Young lady.
420
00:21:49,084 --> 00:21:51,120
So tell everyone then.
421
00:21:51,953 --> 00:21:54,223
Why is it such a crime
to work with your hands?
422
00:21:56,659 --> 00:21:58,893
Out of the mouths of babes.
423
00:21:59,028 --> 00:22:00,996
I blame this on her father.
424
00:22:01,130 --> 00:22:03,465
Ugh, that Castilian
blood of yours
425
00:22:03,599 --> 00:22:05,434
makes her say
the darndest things.
426
00:22:05,567 --> 00:22:07,636
You say the darnedest thing,
do you.
427
00:22:07,770 --> 00:22:09,238
Ew!
428
00:22:09,371 --> 00:22:11,006
Don't make out with me on TV.
429
00:22:11,140 --> 00:22:12,907
- Make out.
- Stop it.
430
00:22:13,042 --> 00:22:16,478
Oh, pretty.
431
00:22:19,348 --> 00:22:21,517
So I know you didn't get
to see it that well earlier,
432
00:22:21,650 --> 00:22:26,488
but it says, ask me about OTB
and it has the guys on here
433
00:22:26,622 --> 00:22:29,591
and then, um, I research like,
what areas of the world...
434
00:22:29,725 --> 00:22:31,760
That is lovely, dear.
435
00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:34,862
Like I said,
charity minded.
436
00:22:38,233 --> 00:22:39,967
Come this way.
437
00:22:40,102 --> 00:22:43,706
These are my prized possessions.
438
00:22:43,838 --> 00:22:45,074
Besides Britney, of course.
439
00:22:45,207 --> 00:22:46,775
Are you alright, honey?
440
00:22:47,376 --> 00:22:50,579
Here is my Lovely Eyes sash.
441
00:22:52,081 --> 00:22:55,150
And here,
I won for bowling night queen.
442
00:22:55,284 --> 00:22:57,019
♪ Gonna score tonight! ♪
443
00:22:57,653 --> 00:23:00,456
And over here is,
we don't talk about that one.
444
00:23:00,589 --> 00:23:02,890
And this is
healthy living queen.
445
00:23:03,025 --> 00:23:05,027
Still working on that.
446
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:08,863
And here
is my piece de resistance.
447
00:23:10,132 --> 00:23:12,934
Miss Nevada Supreème.
448
00:23:13,669 --> 00:23:15,838
Nineteen-eighty...
449
00:23:15,970 --> 00:23:17,373
Whoa, oh, look here!
450
00:23:17,506 --> 00:23:20,609
Here I am on my wedding day.
451
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:26,415
As you may know,
Mr. Tehran is no longer with us.
452
00:23:27,850 --> 00:23:30,786
Oh look,
we were so in love.
453
00:23:30,918 --> 00:23:32,821
Our love was almost,
454
00:23:32,954 --> 00:23:34,889
almost too much.
455
00:23:35,023 --> 00:23:37,059
The highs were so high.
456
00:23:37,826 --> 00:23:40,162
It was... intense.
457
00:23:41,096 --> 00:23:42,831
It was almost abnormal.
458
00:23:43,432 --> 00:23:46,668
Yes, it was, um...
it was so intense that I...
459
00:23:49,204 --> 00:23:50,606
I had him deported.
460
00:23:52,508 --> 00:23:56,311
I can't say that it was easy
being a single mother alone,
461
00:23:56,445 --> 00:23:59,882
raising a young daughter,
but rest assured friends...
462
00:24:00,549 --> 00:24:02,651
my little girl
will grow up to know...
463
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:06,255
the most important thing
in this life...
464
00:24:06,388 --> 00:24:08,657
is being a beautiful woman.
465
00:24:11,527 --> 00:24:15,264
You all look so pretty,
it's a little intimidating.
466
00:24:16,498 --> 00:24:19,334
What are you,
some kind of lesbian, bag lady?
467
00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:25,407
Oh, oh, no.
I mistaken for that a lot.
468
00:24:26,775 --> 00:24:28,877
I... This is for charity.
469
00:24:29,011 --> 00:24:31,013
Yeah. Charity's
what got you the dog.
470
00:24:31,146 --> 00:24:33,015
Oh, snap!
471
00:24:38,687 --> 00:24:39,954
Shh!
472
00:24:42,391 --> 00:24:44,393
Thank you all for coming
and trying out
473
00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:47,496
for the first ever
pageant to benefit OTB.
474
00:24:48,263 --> 00:24:50,232
I'm Toby and I'll be
your coach for the run
475
00:24:50,365 --> 00:24:53,202
of this magical experience
476
00:24:53,335 --> 00:24:55,204
that will change
your life forever.
477
00:24:56,171 --> 00:24:57,773
Now...
478
00:24:57,906 --> 00:25:00,776
please let me introduce you
to our co-founder
479
00:25:00,909 --> 00:25:04,279
and local Las Vegas icon,
480
00:25:04,413 --> 00:25:06,081
Mr. Jackie Fountain.
481
00:25:06,582 --> 00:25:10,452
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, hello! Holy.
482
00:25:10,586 --> 00:25:12,020
Yeah, I just flew in
from Jersey.
483
00:25:12,154 --> 00:25:14,289
My you-know-
what's hurting.
484
00:25:14,423 --> 00:25:16,725
Hey, welcome, ladies
to the first annual
485
00:25:16,859 --> 00:25:19,161
OTB Beauty Pageant
Cavalcade of Celebrity
486
00:25:19,294 --> 00:25:20,829
Super Spotlights Glued
to the Truth.
487
00:25:20,963 --> 00:25:22,931
And you're,
you right now
488
00:25:23,065 --> 00:25:25,300
are meeting the host
with the most.
489
00:25:25,434 --> 00:25:27,035
Or maybe you ladies
490
00:25:27,169 --> 00:25:28,937
are going to be the most
with the moist.
491
00:25:30,472 --> 00:25:32,374
I kid, I kid. Yeah, you know.
492
00:25:32,508 --> 00:25:35,410
But anyways, you're all
going to make history tonight.
493
00:25:35,544 --> 00:25:38,313
Maybe a hysterectomy.
494
00:25:38,447 --> 00:25:41,617
See that joke, stick that
right in there in-studio.
495
00:25:44,786 --> 00:25:47,022
Oh, oh.
496
00:25:50,592 --> 00:25:51,660
Oh.
497
00:25:52,194 --> 00:25:54,229
Really?
498
00:26:02,471 --> 00:26:04,606
And where do you think
you're going?
499
00:26:05,307 --> 00:26:08,510
This is Miss Kelly,
personal trainer.
500
00:26:09,211 --> 00:26:11,213
I see why you called me here.
501
00:26:11,346 --> 00:26:14,349
We have a lot of work
ahead of us.
502
00:26:15,183 --> 00:26:16,552
What?
503
00:26:16,685 --> 00:26:18,220
Mom, I don't have time.
I'm going to work.
504
00:26:18,353 --> 00:26:20,355
- I'm going...
- There will be no work
505
00:26:20,489 --> 00:26:22,558
in this house, young lady.
506
00:26:23,725 --> 00:26:24,893
Come on, you...
507
00:26:25,028 --> 00:26:28,163
And what... is this?
508
00:26:28,297 --> 00:26:30,632
That's my ukulele.
509
00:26:30,766 --> 00:26:32,167
I've been...
510
00:26:32,301 --> 00:26:33,569
You thought
you were going to play this
511
00:26:33,702 --> 00:26:35,370
in the talent portion,
didn't you?
512
00:26:37,139 --> 00:26:38,840
- Well...
- Didn't you?
513
00:26:40,309 --> 00:26:42,110
- Yes?
- Let me guess,
514
00:26:42,244 --> 00:26:44,047
this is one of those
it's so lame
515
00:26:44,179 --> 00:26:46,081
that it's hip things, right?
516
00:26:48,216 --> 00:26:50,385
Ugh, do you guys not get it,
you don't get the irony that...
517
00:26:50,519 --> 00:26:53,855
Typical hipsters,
bacon diet with no definition.
518
00:26:53,990 --> 00:26:55,457
- So sad.
- What?
519
00:26:58,827 --> 00:27:00,063
Oh my, please.
520
00:27:00,195 --> 00:27:02,397
Mom, no. No!
521
00:27:02,531 --> 00:27:04,700
Let's get one thing straight.
522
00:27:04,833 --> 00:27:08,037
Miss Kelly has agreed
to work with you on the side
523
00:27:08,170 --> 00:27:10,073
and help mold you
into image
524
00:27:10,205 --> 00:27:12,240
of a perfect
pageant goddess.
525
00:27:12,374 --> 00:27:16,378
And there is no room
for ironic hipster garbage!
526
00:27:16,511 --> 00:27:18,413
Mom, what are we going to do
about the talents?
527
00:27:18,547 --> 00:27:20,248
What are we going to do now?
528
00:27:20,382 --> 00:27:23,585
What all sexy and sophisticated
young women do.
529
00:27:24,820 --> 00:27:26,788
Modern dance.
530
00:27:43,505 --> 00:27:45,874
Thank you, yeah.
531
00:28:06,762 --> 00:28:09,431
Will you excuse me,
just a minute please?
532
00:28:09,564 --> 00:28:10,766
Thanks.
533
00:28:16,471 --> 00:28:17,906
There is something
really special
534
00:28:18,041 --> 00:28:19,741
about that girl right there.
535
00:28:39,128 --> 00:28:40,862
Watch and learn.
536
00:28:56,211 --> 00:28:57,345
Oh.
537
00:28:57,479 --> 00:28:59,281
Excuse me.
538
00:29:08,390 --> 00:29:12,028
It's just a little something
I carry with me when I cry.
539
00:29:16,132 --> 00:29:17,499
So...
540
00:29:17,966 --> 00:29:19,367
Oh, yeah, yeah.
541
00:29:19,501 --> 00:29:21,070
You're pushing
the buttons there, Cece.
542
00:29:21,204 --> 00:29:23,371
You are a big button pusher.
543
00:29:23,505 --> 00:29:25,607
I don't know about big.
544
00:29:25,741 --> 00:29:28,243
Oh, yeah. No, no, no.
You're alright...
545
00:29:28,376 --> 00:29:31,813
Yeah, I was seeing
Kitchity on the side.
546
00:29:34,316 --> 00:29:35,751
What of it?
547
00:29:37,486 --> 00:29:39,788
And let me tell you,
that little purple guy...
548
00:29:40,922 --> 00:29:42,691
who knows
how to please a woman.
549
00:29:43,425 --> 00:29:44,860
That little purple fur,
550
00:29:44,994 --> 00:29:47,395
he knows how to hit
all the right spots.
551
00:29:47,529 --> 00:29:51,566
That's something that Jackie,
could never do.
552
00:29:51,700 --> 00:29:52,901
Mm.
553
00:29:53,035 --> 00:29:54,369
Ah, bugger.
554
00:29:54,503 --> 00:29:56,072
How could I let
my animal magnetism
555
00:29:56,205 --> 00:29:57,639
take over like that?
556
00:29:57,773 --> 00:29:59,808
How was I to know
that my love making
557
00:29:59,941 --> 00:30:03,278
would start the shit storm
of the century?
558
00:30:03,411 --> 00:30:04,913
Little did I know
559
00:30:05,047 --> 00:30:07,549
that this was the start
of my own undoing.
560
00:30:07,682 --> 00:30:10,019
This was all
that purple little swifter
561
00:30:10,153 --> 00:30:12,954
needed in order
to put his plan into action.
562
00:30:13,089 --> 00:30:16,192
He knew I would have
her plums up.
563
00:30:16,324 --> 00:30:19,961
And he knew I would be too busy
wheeling and dealing.
564
00:30:20,096 --> 00:30:23,465
He knew my musk, Man Breeze,
available at all drugstores
565
00:30:23,598 --> 00:30:26,601
for 29.99,
would fill the air
566
00:30:26,735 --> 00:30:29,805
with animalistic urges
and innuendos.
567
00:30:29,938 --> 00:30:33,375
I had her sexy long legs
with those black, new,
568
00:30:33,508 --> 00:30:37,612
whoa, stilettos from Kmart
shaking in the nether regions.
569
00:30:37,746 --> 00:30:39,282
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
570
00:30:39,414 --> 00:30:42,018
We all know that if you play
where your shit,
571
00:30:42,151 --> 00:30:44,853
you end up with a sandbox
full of turds.
572
00:30:44,987 --> 00:30:46,289
Oh baby.
573
00:30:47,123 --> 00:30:50,392
So why didn't I exercise
a little self-control?
574
00:30:51,127 --> 00:30:55,931
Why couldn't I see that Cece,
an amazing dreamboat of a woman,
575
00:30:56,065 --> 00:30:59,068
was after more
than just Jackie's manhood?
576
00:30:59,935 --> 00:31:02,838
Psst! Camera boy, come here.
Come in here.
577
00:31:04,372 --> 00:31:06,541
Shh...
578
00:31:08,543 --> 00:31:10,679
Call it a mother's intuition,
579
00:31:10,812 --> 00:31:13,515
but there is something
not quite right here,
580
00:31:13,648 --> 00:31:16,152
and I am going to find out
what it is.
581
00:31:17,086 --> 00:31:19,721
Pipe down over there,
we're having a meeting.
582
00:31:19,855 --> 00:31:23,425
...cell phone backstage,
blowing up my stage. Okay.
583
00:31:24,459 --> 00:31:25,760
Britney!
584
00:31:25,894 --> 00:31:27,863
Honey,
you just look so fabulous.
585
00:31:28,930 --> 00:31:31,366
Oh, I'm so nervous I think
I'm going to throw up.
586
00:31:31,499 --> 00:31:32,968
That just means
you're ready for office.
587
00:31:33,102 --> 00:31:34,836
But I tell you what,
if you need to do that,
588
00:31:34,970 --> 00:31:37,405
go find the trash can,
okay sugar? Alright.
589
00:31:39,741 --> 00:31:42,477
Okay, girls,
it's about go to time.
590
00:31:42,611 --> 00:31:44,379
Now, remember,
this is for charity,
591
00:31:44,512 --> 00:31:46,381
so suck 'em in
and stick 'em out.
592
00:31:47,149 --> 00:31:50,119
Where is that purple little rat?
When I get my hands on him...
593
00:31:50,253 --> 00:31:51,820
Who died
and made you Grand Puba?
594
00:31:51,953 --> 00:31:53,655
Oh, well, speaking of Puba
How about this, queen?
595
00:31:53,788 --> 00:31:55,358
I had to discover
you and Kitchity
596
00:31:55,490 --> 00:31:56,791
in the smut magazines, huh?
597
00:31:56,925 --> 00:31:58,493
What a girl
can't have a good time?
598
00:31:58,627 --> 00:32:00,428
Oh, when I get my hands...
599
00:32:00,562 --> 00:32:01,696
...on him.
600
00:32:01,830 --> 00:32:03,398
Oh, I bet
you're nesting in there.
601
00:32:03,531 --> 00:32:04,599
You come out, right now.
602
00:32:04,733 --> 00:32:06,401
Oh!
603
00:32:07,636 --> 00:32:08,837
You've lost your mind.
604
00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:10,605
Oh, I've lost my,
oh there you are.
605
00:32:11,340 --> 00:32:13,975
Look at that perfect little
hideout right there, huh?
606
00:32:14,110 --> 00:32:15,978
You come out right now
and face me like...
607
00:32:27,123 --> 00:32:29,858
Where are you?
You're going to pay for this.
608
00:32:30,558 --> 00:32:33,662
Jackie, you fuck...- giddy.
609
00:32:35,331 --> 00:32:38,466
You are going to get up
out of that chair like a man
610
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,202
and face me like a man,
611
00:32:40,336 --> 00:32:41,803
you little purple rag-wearing,
612
00:32:41,937 --> 00:32:44,006
gypsy cab driving,
son of a...
613
00:32:44,140 --> 00:32:46,841
Oh, yeah, you piece of coal,
your white sheets are showing.
614
00:32:46,975 --> 00:32:48,777
What are you doing
with my Elaine, huh?
615
00:32:48,910 --> 00:32:50,745
- Whoa, time out!
- You stay out of this.
616
00:32:50,879 --> 00:32:52,614
Hey, at least someone around
here can still lay some pipe.
617
00:32:52,747 --> 00:32:54,083
Who? Your little pecker?
618
00:32:54,216 --> 00:32:55,717
You look like
the grimace of scot creek.
619
00:32:55,850 --> 00:32:57,019
You look like a hate crime.
620
00:32:57,153 --> 00:32:58,620
You were nothing
but backup talent.
621
00:32:58,753 --> 00:33:00,755
No matter
how much you paid that lady,
622
00:33:00,889 --> 00:33:02,224
- that wig always looks fake.
- Oh, really?
623
00:33:02,358 --> 00:33:04,492
Well, I'll tell you,
you're a tough guy, huh?
624
00:33:04,626 --> 00:33:06,162
What do you think
about this, huh?
625
00:33:06,295 --> 00:33:08,297
- Yeah. Yeah, you like that?
- Stop it, I'm...
626
00:33:08,431 --> 00:33:10,166
I'm going to keep pushing it.
627
00:33:13,169 --> 00:33:16,005
That's it, Jackie.
You get out of here.
628
00:33:16,138 --> 00:33:18,441
I swear if you screw up
this gig for me tonight,
629
00:33:18,573 --> 00:33:21,143
a wire brush
your saggy old man balls
630
00:33:21,277 --> 00:33:23,145
until you drop your Depends.
631
00:33:23,279 --> 00:33:24,646
Do you get me, Fontaine?
632
00:33:24,779 --> 00:33:26,948
Oh, you don't
talk to me that way.
633
00:33:27,083 --> 00:33:28,750
Next wife,
or no one's wife.
634
00:33:28,883 --> 00:33:32,620
You're a has-been, Fontaine.
Now and forevermore.
635
00:33:32,754 --> 00:33:34,656
I'm just getting started.
You understand?
636
00:33:34,789 --> 00:33:37,892
You little purple
piece of crap, huh?
637
00:33:57,346 --> 00:33:59,982
So I'm, I'm really nervous.
638
00:34:00,116 --> 00:34:01,484
What about you?
639
00:34:01,616 --> 00:34:03,252
I don't get nervous.
640
00:34:03,386 --> 00:34:05,287
- I'm a dancer.
- Really?
641
00:34:05,421 --> 00:34:06,921
You don't get nervous?
642
00:34:07,555 --> 00:34:09,992
Look, this is my me-time
before the show.
643
00:34:10,126 --> 00:34:11,926
If you're looking
to make friends,
644
00:34:12,061 --> 00:34:14,963
why don't you take
your little lesbian dyke bag
645
00:34:15,097 --> 00:34:17,266
and your hairy little legs
and go down the street,
646
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:18,867
try the local dyke bar.
647
00:34:19,001 --> 00:34:22,904
I'll even give you a topic,
power tools.
648
00:34:24,407 --> 00:34:26,975
No, I don't know
what your problem is with me,
649
00:34:27,109 --> 00:34:29,744
but I've been really nice
to you and everyone here.
650
00:34:29,878 --> 00:34:32,781
I mean,
we're here for charity.
651
00:34:32,914 --> 00:34:35,950
Reality check, honey.
I don't do charity.
652
00:34:36,085 --> 00:34:39,088
Butch, the bookie junior,
owns the Casino,
653
00:34:39,221 --> 00:34:41,991
and he made a deal
with Jackie and K.K.
654
00:34:42,124 --> 00:34:44,193
and all of Vegas
for this pageant.
655
00:34:44,326 --> 00:34:46,462
So, you see, I can't lose.
656
00:34:46,594 --> 00:34:49,065
So you see, this pageant
657
00:34:49,198 --> 00:34:52,134
isn't really about
charity, losers.
658
00:34:52,268 --> 00:34:55,371
It's about winners.
And that would be me.
659
00:34:57,639 --> 00:34:59,241
You think I can't do this?
660
00:34:59,941 --> 00:35:03,112
Think again, because I can,
and I'm going to show you.
661
00:35:03,546 --> 00:35:05,147
I'll show all of you.
662
00:35:05,281 --> 00:35:08,184
Then you may want to shave
your upper lip, tuts.
663
00:35:11,686 --> 00:35:14,789
Ha, ha-ha, ha,
Ha-ha-ha...
664
00:35:15,257 --> 00:35:17,193
You all think
I can't do this?
665
00:35:17,326 --> 00:35:18,693
Well I can.
666
00:35:18,827 --> 00:35:20,795
I'm going to show you all.
667
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:27,902
Hey, what's wrong?
668
00:35:35,643 --> 00:35:38,080
Look what they did to you.
669
00:35:44,619 --> 00:35:46,288
This is it.
670
00:35:49,492 --> 00:35:51,793
Oh. Hello, Jackie.
671
00:35:53,095 --> 00:35:54,963
I was just looking for
something.
672
00:35:55,097 --> 00:35:56,965
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
673
00:35:57,765 --> 00:35:59,301
What'd you lose?
674
00:36:00,702 --> 00:36:04,106
I was looking for a... condom.
675
00:36:06,342 --> 00:36:07,543
Really?
676
00:36:08,210 --> 00:36:12,248
I thought maybe we could...
find a use for it.
677
00:36:13,815 --> 00:36:15,417
Call me Mrs. Robinson.
678
00:36:16,986 --> 00:36:20,755
♪ Oh, Mrs. Robinson ♪
679
00:36:20,889 --> 00:36:22,458
Coo-coo-cachoo.
680
00:36:22,591 --> 00:36:23,858
I'm what needs getting done.
681
00:36:23,993 --> 00:36:25,594
I bet you do.
682
00:36:25,727 --> 00:36:27,396
Let me tell you something, baby.
683
00:36:27,530 --> 00:36:28,830
Oh.
684
00:36:28,963 --> 00:36:30,798
You're going to take
a Jackie ride.
685
00:36:30,932 --> 00:36:32,268
Oh, there you go.
686
00:36:32,401 --> 00:36:33,701
It's a neat ticket.
687
00:36:33,835 --> 00:36:35,703
- Oh, all the way.
- Oh. Alright, Jackie.
688
00:36:35,837 --> 00:36:37,439
Alright, Jackie.
689
00:36:37,573 --> 00:36:39,074
Oh, but first, but first...
690
00:36:41,277 --> 00:36:43,479
Let me prepare
the mood for you.
691
00:36:43,612 --> 00:36:45,648
Okay, come on.
692
00:36:45,780 --> 00:36:49,318
Yeah touch me.
There you go.
693
00:36:49,451 --> 00:36:51,086
- Oh dear.
- Oh, okay.
694
00:36:51,220 --> 00:36:53,155
Let me, let me prepare
something, okay?
695
00:36:53,289 --> 00:36:54,889
- Alright.
- Yes, Jackie. Prepare.
696
00:36:55,024 --> 00:36:56,292
Come with me.
697
00:36:56,425 --> 00:36:58,227
I know you've been
waiting for this.
698
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:02,830
You know you want it.
Let's put some music on first.
699
00:37:08,003 --> 00:37:09,737
Almost there, one second.
700
00:37:10,439 --> 00:37:11,540
Oh, Jackie!
701
00:37:16,711 --> 00:37:18,447
Oh, Jackie!
702
00:37:18,581 --> 00:37:21,783
Oh, Cece, Sicily, Cece.
703
00:37:24,420 --> 00:37:26,522
I love how that feels, Jackie.
704
00:37:29,225 --> 00:37:30,426
What the?
705
00:37:32,661 --> 00:37:34,396
Yeah, do it.
706
00:37:34,530 --> 00:37:35,531
Jackie!
707
00:37:37,566 --> 00:37:39,401
Jackie? Jackie?
708
00:37:39,535 --> 00:37:42,538
Mom? Oh, my God!
709
00:37:43,172 --> 00:37:44,906
What? What'd you say?
710
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,874
- "Oh, my God?"
- That wasn't me.
711
00:37:47,009 --> 00:37:48,410
- No?
- No.
712
00:37:50,112 --> 00:37:51,879
Britney... Britney
this is not what it looks like.
713
00:37:52,014 --> 00:37:54,250
No, not at all.
I was not...
714
00:37:54,383 --> 00:37:57,419
I was teaching
that snatch a lesson.
715
00:37:57,553 --> 00:37:59,054
- I was...
- What?
716
00:37:59,188 --> 00:38:01,756
- Shut up, you little man.
- You don't have to...
717
00:38:01,889 --> 00:38:03,858
I think I'm going
to be sick.
718
00:38:03,993 --> 00:38:06,629
No, not in here.
This is brand new carpet I got.
719
00:38:06,761 --> 00:38:08,998
No, no, no, no.
720
00:38:10,633 --> 00:38:15,571
Now look, okay, that's it.
No more dance moves.
721
00:38:15,704 --> 00:38:17,139
Mom, you're sick in the head.
722
00:38:17,273 --> 00:38:18,674
No,
I did it all for you.
723
00:38:18,806 --> 00:38:20,609
Mom, the 60s are over.
724
00:38:20,743 --> 00:38:24,480
I did it all for you.
Britney, all for you!
725
00:38:32,187 --> 00:38:34,757
Britney, are you okay?
726
00:38:34,889 --> 00:38:37,026
I've been better, though.
727
00:38:37,726 --> 00:38:39,094
Huh?
728
00:38:39,794 --> 00:38:41,263
That was sarcasm.
729
00:38:41,397 --> 00:38:42,830
Oh.
730
00:38:42,964 --> 00:38:45,534
Well, hey, ah,
I got somebody here
731
00:38:45,668 --> 00:38:46,868
that wants to talk to you.
732
00:38:47,002 --> 00:38:48,836
Oh, I bet they do.
733
00:38:49,937 --> 00:38:51,073
Oh?
734
00:38:51,206 --> 00:38:52,708
That was, that was sarcasm.
735
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,377
Oh, right. I'm learning.
736
00:38:55,511 --> 00:38:58,514
Okay, so someone
wants to thank you
737
00:38:58,647 --> 00:39:00,416
for all your hard work.
738
00:39:01,183 --> 00:39:02,850
What? Who wants what?
739
00:39:03,419 --> 00:39:06,355
Go on, Ruby.
Tell her what you told me.
740
00:39:07,855 --> 00:39:09,857
Well, the other day,
I was over at Jackie's house
741
00:39:09,992 --> 00:39:11,859
doing yard work,
as he asked me to,
742
00:39:11,994 --> 00:39:14,829
when I gota touch of the heat
stroke and fell into the pool,
743
00:39:14,962 --> 00:39:17,232
but luckily
I had one of your bags,
744
00:39:17,366 --> 00:39:19,101
which I used
as a flotation device.
745
00:39:19,234 --> 00:39:21,869
Oh, I screamed
for hours and hours,
746
00:39:22,004 --> 00:39:23,439
but no one could hear me.
747
00:39:23,572 --> 00:39:25,674
I think Jackie
had the television on too long.
748
00:39:26,141 --> 00:39:27,743
If it wasn't
for the ramen noodles
749
00:39:27,875 --> 00:39:30,346
in the water purifier again,
I would have surely drowned.
750
00:39:30,479 --> 00:39:33,615
Oh, are you okay?
Hope you're okay?
751
00:39:33,749 --> 00:39:35,017
I think so.
752
00:39:35,150 --> 00:39:36,752
After I got
a bit of strength back,
753
00:39:36,884 --> 00:39:40,656
I kicked my legs like one
of the Rockets and made it out.
754
00:39:41,156 --> 00:39:44,693
You saved my life.
You and your wonderful bags.
755
00:39:44,827 --> 00:39:46,462
Oh, my gosh.
756
00:39:46,595 --> 00:39:49,365
Oh, my gosh. Wow.
757
00:39:49,498 --> 00:39:52,835
Well, I'll leave you
two kids alone now.
758
00:39:52,967 --> 00:39:54,136
Time for me to go take
759
00:39:54,269 --> 00:39:56,004
a delicious bowel movement.
760
00:39:56,638 --> 00:39:57,706
Good luck, Rube.
761
00:39:57,840 --> 00:39:59,308
Oh my gosh.
762
00:40:00,476 --> 00:40:03,045
Thanks for reminding me why,
why I got into this pageant
763
00:40:03,178 --> 00:40:04,646
in the first place.
764
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,015
Well, that's not all.
765
00:40:13,722 --> 00:40:16,658
Thank you. Oh, I mean,
766
00:40:16,792 --> 00:40:20,496
thanks for this and for, um,
for bringing me home.
767
00:40:20,629 --> 00:40:22,564
Well, I thought someone
768
00:40:22,698 --> 00:40:26,535
might have forgotten about
their most beautiful feature.
769
00:40:27,136 --> 00:40:29,037
Uh, my God, their boobs?
770
00:40:29,571 --> 00:40:31,573
No, their heart.
771
00:40:31,707 --> 00:40:33,975
Oh.
772
00:40:37,446 --> 00:40:38,447
You play?
773
00:40:38,580 --> 00:40:40,816
Oh, yeah.
I mean I played a little.
774
00:40:40,948 --> 00:40:42,618
Mostly I play guitar.
775
00:40:42,751 --> 00:40:45,087
But you work for that
Kitchity OTB creep.
776
00:40:45,220 --> 00:40:47,656
I don't... You don't
look like L.A. trash.
777
00:40:47,790 --> 00:40:49,324
What's your deal?
778
00:40:49,458 --> 00:40:52,594
Well, first of all,
thank you for the compliment.
779
00:40:53,495 --> 00:40:56,131
And second...
that's a good question.
780
00:40:56,265 --> 00:40:59,001
I mean,
I was an intern on his show,
781
00:40:59,134 --> 00:41:00,469
when he had a show,
782
00:41:00,602 --> 00:41:02,937
and you could say,
I work for him,
783
00:41:03,071 --> 00:41:04,706
but mostly I'm an actor.
784
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,776
That takes a lot of guts
to move out to L.A. and...
785
00:41:07,910 --> 00:41:09,344
There's nothing more gratifying
786
00:41:09,478 --> 00:41:11,246
than filling the world's
hearts with joy.
787
00:41:11,380 --> 00:41:13,515
I know I'm not
a big star or anything,
788
00:41:13,649 --> 00:41:15,751
and I probably never
will be one, but...
789
00:41:17,553 --> 00:41:19,721
I got into this game
to fill those hearts with joy,
790
00:41:19,855 --> 00:41:23,425
and if I have to prop up
a glutton and drunk to do it,
791
00:41:23,559 --> 00:41:24,893
then so be it.
792
00:41:25,027 --> 00:41:26,462
I mean... I'm sure
793
00:41:26,595 --> 00:41:28,464
one day your dream
will come true and,
794
00:41:28,597 --> 00:41:29,998
and when it does,
795
00:41:30,132 --> 00:41:31,934
people will fall in love
with the real thing.
796
00:41:32,067 --> 00:41:33,502
Oh.
797
00:43:06,895 --> 00:43:10,065
Zing pow wow, baby.
This was it.
798
00:43:10,198 --> 00:43:13,569
The night we had worked
our asses to the bone for.
799
00:43:14,102 --> 00:43:17,172
The ladies were all
puffed up like peacocks.
800
00:43:17,306 --> 00:43:19,341
The celebrity judges
were in place.
801
00:43:19,474 --> 00:43:21,743
The lights ablaze
and the money
802
00:43:21,877 --> 00:43:24,947
was falling out of the sky
into our laps.
803
00:43:26,682 --> 00:43:28,951
Hello, I'm here
with Butch Junior,
804
00:43:29,084 --> 00:43:30,652
owner of this fine
Nevada casino
805
00:43:30,786 --> 00:43:33,455
nestled in the heart
of the Las Vegas Strip.
806
00:43:33,589 --> 00:43:35,424
Thanks for joining us tonight,
Butch Jr.
807
00:43:35,557 --> 00:43:37,326
Thank you so much.
And you know what?
808
00:43:37,459 --> 00:43:39,461
I'm really glad that you said
that we are in the heart
809
00:43:39,595 --> 00:43:41,964
of the Las Vegas Strip
because we here at the Casino,
810
00:43:42,097 --> 00:43:43,532
we're all about heart.
811
00:43:43,665 --> 00:43:45,567
Some folks at home,
they might think that
812
00:43:45,701 --> 00:43:48,203
we in the casino business
are responsible for OTB,
813
00:43:48,337 --> 00:43:50,006
but I'm here to tell you and all
of them
814
00:43:50,138 --> 00:43:51,740
that is simply not true.
815
00:43:51,873 --> 00:43:55,811
In fact, this evening,
I am going to donate $50,000.
816
00:43:55,944 --> 00:43:59,015
So not only good looking,
but also a giver as well.
817
00:43:59,147 --> 00:44:00,315
Well, we appreciate that.
818
00:44:00,449 --> 00:44:02,718
Oh, thank you.
You are too kind.
819
00:44:04,786 --> 00:44:06,421
Hey! Zing pow wow!
820
00:44:06,555 --> 00:44:08,690
I bet you have some
papaerwork to do.
821
00:44:08,824 --> 00:44:10,559
Hey, zing pow wow.
How you doing?
822
00:44:10,692 --> 00:44:12,427
Good Jackie, good to see you.
823
00:44:12,561 --> 00:44:16,398
It's a man of the hour,
Mr. Jackie Fontaine himself.
824
00:44:16,531 --> 00:44:18,433
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Yes, it is.
825
00:44:18,567 --> 00:44:22,105
Nobody can fill up a casino
like my buddy Butch, here.
826
00:44:22,237 --> 00:44:24,172
- Well, we do aim to please.
- Oh, yeah.
827
00:44:24,306 --> 00:44:25,941
Hey, speaking of aiming,
why don't you learn
828
00:44:26,075 --> 00:44:28,111
how to aim a little better
when you're in the men's room?
829
00:44:28,243 --> 00:44:30,013
- I look at my shoes.
- Oh.
830
00:44:30,145 --> 00:44:31,580
- Made you look!
- This guy...
831
00:44:31,713 --> 00:44:33,382
You stepped right into that.
832
00:44:33,515 --> 00:44:35,851
But seriously, folks, I kid.
I kid all the time.
833
00:44:35,985 --> 00:44:38,121
We're just trying to kind of
clear up a few things.
834
00:44:38,253 --> 00:44:39,521
I'm just trying
to get an interview
835
00:44:39,655 --> 00:44:41,256
- with Kitchity Katchity tonight.
- Yes.
836
00:44:41,390 --> 00:44:43,026
You know, we want to hear
a little bit more
837
00:44:43,158 --> 00:44:44,493
about his condition,
838
00:44:44,626 --> 00:44:46,395
about the response
from the community.
839
00:44:46,528 --> 00:44:48,897
We also want to know
where the proceeds are being,
840
00:44:49,032 --> 00:44:50,565
where they're being utilized.
841
00:44:50,699 --> 00:44:52,234
Oh, of course, yeah,
everybody wants to know that.
842
00:44:52,367 --> 00:44:53,969
And the community.
We love the community.
843
00:44:54,103 --> 00:44:55,737
Thank you, community. Yeah.
844
00:44:55,871 --> 00:44:58,273
You know, I've been trying
to get a hold of the OTB people
845
00:44:58,407 --> 00:45:00,509
'cause we need to know
how to put those things to use,
846
00:45:00,642 --> 00:45:02,444
but they don't want to answer
any of their phone
847
00:45:02,577 --> 00:45:04,147
or anything they don't know.
848
00:45:04,279 --> 00:45:06,615
It's like maybe they got
like a disconnect or something,
849
00:45:06,748 --> 00:45:08,884
like, We've been
looking for you, Jackie.
850
00:45:09,018 --> 00:45:11,386
Oh, sick.
851
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:13,188
We just wanted to thank you,
you know,
852
00:45:13,321 --> 00:45:14,690
for all the good
work you're doing
853
00:45:14,823 --> 00:45:16,291
- for the OTB community.
- Oh, well.
854
00:45:16,425 --> 00:45:17,859
Hey, thanks, guys. Yeah.
855
00:45:17,994 --> 00:45:20,862
You know, I tell you,
Rocco the Strangler,
856
00:45:20,997 --> 00:45:23,331
I didn't know you were
out of jail yet, huh?
857
00:45:23,465 --> 00:45:25,168
You too.
Hey, good to see you guys.
858
00:45:25,300 --> 00:45:28,203
Hey, hey.
The whole gang's here.
859
00:45:28,336 --> 00:45:29,871
- Come on over.
- When we heard
860
00:45:30,006 --> 00:45:32,240
what you and Kitchity Katchity
were doing and, you know,
861
00:45:32,374 --> 00:45:34,443
you didn't contact us.
862
00:45:34,576 --> 00:45:36,678
And now here you are using
the name of your TV foundation.
863
00:45:36,812 --> 00:45:39,448
Yeah, you can understand why
we's a little upset with you.
864
00:45:39,581 --> 00:45:41,616
Thanks to this
good woman right here.
865
00:45:41,750 --> 00:45:44,252
See, she contacted us
on behalf of Jackie
866
00:45:44,386 --> 00:45:46,521
and Kitchity Katchity
and the OTB pageant.
867
00:45:46,655 --> 00:45:48,490
She explained to us
there may have been
868
00:45:48,623 --> 00:45:50,859
a little miscommunication
between the two parties.
869
00:45:51,493 --> 00:45:54,796
Yes. I, Sissy Terrin,
870
00:45:54,930 --> 00:45:56,865
Miss Nevada 19...
871
00:45:58,567 --> 00:46:01,137
I took it upon myself
to contact these
872
00:46:01,269 --> 00:46:05,407
fine gentlemen and their
little group.
873
00:46:07,809 --> 00:46:10,946
As the moral authority
of this state,
874
00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:13,248
and with Jackie's blessing
875
00:46:13,381 --> 00:46:15,751
and the blessing
of Mr. Katch...
876
00:46:18,620 --> 00:46:20,589
...uh, Purple Thing...
877
00:46:20,722 --> 00:46:23,558
I offer a welcoming hand
to this pageant,
878
00:46:23,692 --> 00:46:26,129
which is based around
such a wonderful charity.
879
00:46:26,261 --> 00:46:27,562
As you may know,
880
00:46:27,696 --> 00:46:29,999
I come from
a charity-minded family.
881
00:46:30,133 --> 00:46:31,399
It's the way I was raised
882
00:46:31,533 --> 00:46:33,769
and the way
I raised my daughter,
883
00:46:33,902 --> 00:46:37,173
my beautiful little girl,
contestant number 13.
884
00:46:37,305 --> 00:46:39,008
Gorgeous kid at that.
885
00:46:39,142 --> 00:46:42,444
Young lady's not so bad herself,
a real class act.
886
00:46:42,577 --> 00:46:45,214
Oh, stop it.
You're too sweet.
887
00:46:45,914 --> 00:46:48,450
And I would like
to tell your viewers,
888
00:46:48,583 --> 00:46:51,220
if anyone thinks
that I am with Jackie
889
00:46:51,353 --> 00:46:53,055
just to benefit my little girl,
890
00:46:53,189 --> 00:46:54,923
well, that is simply a lie.
891
00:46:55,057 --> 00:46:57,559
Our love is true.
892
00:46:58,627 --> 00:47:02,531
As a matter of fact...
we're engaged.
893
00:47:03,166 --> 00:47:06,068
And your little TV audience
is the first to know.
894
00:47:10,173 --> 00:47:12,374
Ladies and gentlemen, hello.
895
00:47:12,507 --> 00:47:14,476
My name is Butch Snyder Jr.,
896
00:47:14,609 --> 00:47:16,012
and I would like
to welcome you
897
00:47:16,145 --> 00:47:17,579
to the first annual
898
00:47:17,712 --> 00:47:20,116
Jackie Fontaine,
Kitchity Katchity
899
00:47:20,249 --> 00:47:24,619
Cavalcade of Beauty
and Superspotlight of Talent
900
00:47:24,753 --> 00:47:27,455
Celebrity Tribute
to the Troops OTB
901
00:47:27,589 --> 00:47:30,959
Beauty Pageant Supershow,
benefiting, of course,
902
00:47:31,093 --> 00:47:33,795
the Jackie Fontaine
OTB Foundation.
903
00:47:33,929 --> 00:47:36,398
And now, it is my privilege
to introduce to you
904
00:47:36,531 --> 00:47:39,534
this evening's host,
the king of comedy,
905
00:47:39,668 --> 00:47:41,970
the Man with the Golden Throat,
906
00:47:42,104 --> 00:47:45,907
Mr. Jackie Fontaine.
Here's Jackie!
907
00:47:48,343 --> 00:47:51,379
♪ Here she is ♪
908
00:47:51,513 --> 00:47:54,516
♪ who knows what we see? ♪
909
00:47:54,649 --> 00:47:58,553
♪ Who knows if it's she? ♪
910
00:47:58,687 --> 00:48:03,592
♪ We just know
it might be Miss OTB ♪
911
00:48:03,725 --> 00:48:07,529
♪ Miss OTB! ♪
912
00:48:07,662 --> 00:48:08,930
Hey! Ladies and gentlemen,
913
00:48:09,065 --> 00:48:10,866
zing pow wow,
I'm Jackie Fontaine.
914
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:13,869
Thank you very much for being
here at the first annual
915
00:48:14,003 --> 00:48:16,438
Jackie Fontaine
and Kitchity Katchity
916
00:48:16,571 --> 00:48:19,574
beauty pageant
to benefit the OTB Foundation.
917
00:48:19,708 --> 00:48:21,843
But first, let's bring it down.
Let's center ourselves.
918
00:48:21,977 --> 00:48:23,912
Let's remember
exactly why we're here.
919
00:48:24,046 --> 00:48:26,182
Not for glitz, not for glamour,
not for glitter.
920
00:48:26,315 --> 00:48:29,918
We're here because of this
horrible disease, OTB.
921
00:48:30,052 --> 00:48:31,887
That's right,
I got a phone call
922
00:48:32,021 --> 00:48:34,123
from a very, very
high profile celebrity,
923
00:48:34,257 --> 00:48:35,992
a good friend of mine
called me and said,
924
00:48:36,125 --> 00:48:40,695
"Jackie, I got the OTB
and before those damn vultures
925
00:48:40,829 --> 00:48:42,464
in the media picked me apart
926
00:48:42,597 --> 00:48:45,467
like, like a Costco
rotisserie chicken.
927
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:47,535
I want to come out
on my own on your program,
928
00:48:47,669 --> 00:48:49,105
the Up All Night Show."
929
00:48:49,238 --> 00:48:51,606
And he did,
and that's where we decided
930
00:48:51,740 --> 00:48:54,210
the whole world
needs to know about him.
931
00:48:54,343 --> 00:48:55,710
And ladies and gentlemen,
932
00:48:55,844 --> 00:48:58,513
that celebrity
is a good friend of mine.
933
00:48:58,647 --> 00:49:00,283
Kitchity Katchity!
934
00:49:02,018 --> 00:49:03,952
- Butch, Butch get over here.
- I'm sorry, Jackie.
935
00:49:04,086 --> 00:49:05,954
- No, no. No, Butch.
- I promised I wouldn't cry.
936
00:49:06,088 --> 00:49:07,956
You gotta suck it up,
you got to suck it up,
937
00:49:08,090 --> 00:49:09,958
just like your dad did,
Butch Senior.
938
00:49:10,092 --> 00:49:11,927
You run a goddamn casino
939
00:49:12,061 --> 00:49:13,695
and we're going to beat
OTB together.
940
00:49:13,828 --> 00:49:15,864
Now you'll get over there,
control yourself.
941
00:49:15,998 --> 00:49:17,565
But first,
ladies and gentlemen,
942
00:49:17,699 --> 00:49:20,336
a lot of people
don't know shit about OTB.
943
00:49:20,468 --> 00:49:21,569
But you know what?
944
00:49:21,703 --> 00:49:23,039
These ladies right here,
945
00:49:23,172 --> 00:49:24,307
they know everything
946
00:49:24,439 --> 00:49:26,175
there is to know about OTB.
947
00:49:26,309 --> 00:49:28,710
And that's why
they're giving up tonight.
948
00:49:28,843 --> 00:49:30,313
They're giving up their bodies,
949
00:49:30,445 --> 00:49:32,514
they're giving up their talent,
they're giving up
950
00:49:32,647 --> 00:49:35,483
who knows what else
to fight OTB!
951
00:49:35,617 --> 00:49:37,119
And that's exactly
what they'll do
952
00:49:37,253 --> 00:49:39,322
because one of these ladies
is going to be crowned
953
00:49:39,454 --> 00:49:43,792
Miss OTB
and help us stomp out OTB!
954
00:49:43,925 --> 00:49:45,560
My heart was beating.
955
00:49:45,694 --> 00:49:47,896
My palms were sweating.
I don't know.
956
00:49:48,030 --> 00:49:50,066
Maybe it was the diet pills.
957
00:49:50,199 --> 00:49:51,900
Or maybe
it was just the fact
958
00:49:52,034 --> 00:49:54,303
that I was back in the game,
baby!
959
00:49:54,437 --> 00:49:56,938
The game I loved,
the game I ruled.
960
00:49:57,073 --> 00:50:00,875
The game of entertainment
and celebrityism.
961
00:50:01,010 --> 00:50:03,545
A world filled
with fast chase,
962
00:50:03,678 --> 00:50:05,448
loose money and fun.
963
00:50:05,580 --> 00:50:07,916
It was just a crown away.
964
00:50:08,750 --> 00:50:10,919
I was tuned in
into my machismo,
965
00:50:11,053 --> 00:50:14,489
spilling pheromones
out of my glands.
966
00:50:14,622 --> 00:50:16,791
And my entertainment abilities
967
00:50:16,925 --> 00:50:18,560
were all heightened
to their peak.
968
00:50:18,693 --> 00:50:20,662
I was ready for the comeback.
969
00:50:21,397 --> 00:50:24,033
Yet, something,
something somewhere
970
00:50:24,166 --> 00:50:26,235
was pulling
at my boxer shorts.
971
00:50:26,369 --> 00:50:28,970
And it wasn't
a groupie this time.
972
00:50:29,105 --> 00:50:31,173
I couldn't put
my finger on it,
973
00:50:31,307 --> 00:50:33,942
but I did smell
the slight aroma
974
00:50:34,076 --> 00:50:36,811
of a purple,
furry little rat.
975
00:50:36,945 --> 00:50:39,781
But did I listened to my gut?
No!
976
00:50:39,914 --> 00:50:42,784
No, I was too caught up
in the excitement.
977
00:50:51,860 --> 00:50:54,163
♪ I want to tell you,
that I, ♪
978
00:50:54,296 --> 00:50:57,099
♪ I think you're
looking just fine, ♪
979
00:50:57,699 --> 00:51:02,371
♪ I want to tell you that I,
I want you by my side, ♪
980
00:51:02,505 --> 00:51:07,709
♪ The way you move your body,
the way I feel inside ♪
981
00:51:07,842 --> 00:51:11,213
♪ I want to take you
for a ride ♪
982
00:51:12,714 --> 00:51:15,284
♪ Wanna be with you ♪
983
00:51:15,418 --> 00:51:17,852
♪ Do you want me too? ♪
984
00:51:17,987 --> 00:51:21,323
♪ Wanna be with you ♪
985
00:51:21,457 --> 00:51:25,727
♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪
986
00:51:26,561 --> 00:51:32,034
♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪
987
00:51:32,168 --> 00:51:34,803
♪ Stay here,
it'd be more than okay ♪
988
00:51:35,703 --> 00:51:40,076
♪ 'Cause there's nothing
that can stand in our way ♪
989
00:51:40,742 --> 00:51:45,014
♪ If you'd stay here,
it'd be more than okay, ♪
990
00:51:46,148 --> 00:51:50,186
♪ 'cause there's nothing
that can stand in my way ♪
991
00:51:50,986 --> 00:51:55,391
♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪
992
00:51:56,325 --> 00:52:00,862
♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪
993
00:52:00,996 --> 00:52:05,568
♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪
994
00:52:06,569 --> 00:52:11,606
♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪
995
00:52:11,739 --> 00:52:15,743
♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪
996
00:52:16,644 --> 00:52:22,951
♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪
997
00:52:56,885 --> 00:53:00,389
I'm going to do dance.
998
00:53:00,523 --> 00:53:02,992
Modern dance, modern dance.
999
00:53:06,095 --> 00:53:09,165
I'm going to dance to a song.
1000
00:53:15,037 --> 00:53:18,706
I, uh...
I think you forgot something.
1001
00:53:24,313 --> 00:53:26,382
Forgive me
for intruding on their
1002
00:53:26,515 --> 00:53:28,617
cute little sexually
frustrated scene.
1003
00:53:28,750 --> 00:53:31,819
I guess I should always
keep my thoughts to myself,
1004
00:53:31,953 --> 00:53:33,755
but you see,
the truth is that
1005
00:53:33,888 --> 00:53:37,560
the brilliant producers
of this film asked me to talk
1006
00:53:37,692 --> 00:53:40,563
over this cute little scene
'cause they never secured
1007
00:53:40,695 --> 00:53:44,433
the rights to the song
these two youths are strumming.
1008
00:53:45,700 --> 00:53:47,603
It's a damn shame 'cause
they're actually
1009
00:53:47,735 --> 00:53:48,970
pretty good kids.
1010
00:53:49,104 --> 00:53:50,738
If you like that
touchy feely
1011
00:53:50,872 --> 00:53:52,208
kind of crap, you know.
1012
00:53:52,341 --> 00:53:54,510
In my day,
we would just put
1013
00:53:54,643 --> 00:53:56,412
the sheet music upside down,
1014
00:53:56,545 --> 00:54:00,449
ad lib a few verses
and zing pow wow, babies!
1015
00:54:00,583 --> 00:54:02,750
No lawyers, no subpoenas.
1016
00:54:03,485 --> 00:54:05,621
Hey, things can get lost
in translation.
1017
00:54:05,753 --> 00:54:07,356
But hell,
who's listening?
1018
00:54:07,489 --> 00:54:09,658
And the most of the dives
I played were filled
1019
00:54:09,791 --> 00:54:11,594
with stern old bums
and bimbos.
1020
00:54:11,726 --> 00:54:13,329
Hey, but I digress.
1021
00:54:13,462 --> 00:54:16,699
Oh well, looks like a little
Beaver and Gaga duet
1022
00:54:16,831 --> 00:54:18,334
is almost done.
1023
00:54:18,467 --> 00:54:21,637
Hey, let's just keep this
between us, huh?
1024
00:54:24,573 --> 00:54:27,209
Yes, yes!
Oh, that's my little girl.
1025
00:54:27,343 --> 00:54:30,512
Oh, I'm so proud of you,
Britney.
1026
00:54:31,746 --> 00:54:33,449
Congratulations. Oh! Oh!
1027
00:54:36,518 --> 00:54:38,053
Yes, thank you, ladies.
1028
00:54:38,187 --> 00:54:41,023
Oh, aren't they all talented?
Fantastic job.
1029
00:54:41,156 --> 00:54:44,093
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
as in all beauty pageants,
1030
00:54:44,226 --> 00:54:46,228
that time has come
in this evening
1031
00:54:46,362 --> 00:54:50,399
for us to have our very first
elimination in this period.
1032
00:54:50,532 --> 00:54:52,534
Who will it be, huh?
1033
00:54:52,668 --> 00:54:54,069
Big drumroll,
1034
00:54:54,203 --> 00:54:56,438
ladies and gentlemen.
Ah-ha.
1035
00:54:56,572 --> 00:55:00,576
Our first contestant
to be eliminated tonight,
1036
00:55:00,709 --> 00:55:03,746
oh is number 13.
1037
00:55:03,878 --> 00:55:07,082
Britney! Thank you, Britney.
1038
00:55:07,650 --> 00:55:10,519
You can go ahead
and go off right over there.
1039
00:55:10,653 --> 00:55:14,323
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
you see how easy that was?
1040
00:55:14,456 --> 00:55:19,128
All you have to do is be one
notch below, and you're out.
1041
00:55:19,261 --> 00:55:21,297
But that's not going
to happen to you.
1042
00:55:21,430 --> 00:55:26,268
Now the next one
is the hula hoop contest.
1043
00:55:33,342 --> 00:55:35,943
All the things I do for people,
God damn it.
1044
00:55:36,078 --> 00:55:37,346
Fuck me. You know?
1045
00:55:37,479 --> 00:55:39,315
- You got their money?
- Yes, Jackie.
1046
00:55:39,448 --> 00:55:42,418
Oh, good, good. Good.
That's my girl.
1047
00:55:42,551 --> 00:55:44,586
You know, that son of a b......,
that purple little rag.
1048
00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:46,055
I know he's up to something.
1049
00:55:46,188 --> 00:55:49,058
If I got the OTB people
so far up my ass,
1050
00:55:49,191 --> 00:55:51,293
I can taste
their cheap cologne.
1051
00:55:51,427 --> 00:55:52,927
But you know, it's okay.
It's okay.
1052
00:55:53,062 --> 00:55:54,563
You know why, sweetheart?
1053
00:55:55,863 --> 00:55:57,932
Because we got the monies. Huh?
1054
00:55:58,067 --> 00:55:59,568
Yes, Jackie.
1055
00:56:00,169 --> 00:56:01,437
That's right, yeah.
1056
00:56:01,570 --> 00:56:04,039
I knew I could
count on you, Ruby.
1057
00:56:04,173 --> 00:56:06,508
Fontaine!
Are you insane?
1058
00:56:06,642 --> 00:56:08,510
Rocco the Strangler
is out there.
1059
00:56:08,644 --> 00:56:11,013
If this blows up in our face,
Jackie, you're on your own.
1060
00:56:11,146 --> 00:56:12,681
I have a respectable man
in the community!
1061
00:56:12,815 --> 00:56:14,316
You're good. I know, okay?
1062
00:56:14,450 --> 00:56:16,318
I promise you, Butch,
I'll take care of it, okay?
1063
00:56:16,452 --> 00:56:18,387
- Don't worry, don't worry.
- Don't touch the suit!
1064
00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:20,489
You've got five minutes to get
out there and fix this, Jackie.
1065
00:56:20,622 --> 00:56:23,025
I'll do it in two
and a half minutes!
1066
00:56:23,158 --> 00:56:24,593
- Do it!
- Okay! Jesus.
1067
00:56:24,727 --> 00:56:26,595
Alright, what the hell?
I'll tell you what.
1068
00:56:26,729 --> 00:56:29,031
This is the kind of bullshit
that's going to get us...
1069
00:56:29,864 --> 00:56:32,101
What's I tell you about this?
Keep this full all the time.
1070
00:56:32,234 --> 00:56:34,236
- Yes, Jackie.
- Shit!
1071
00:56:34,370 --> 00:56:35,937
Listen to them out there.
1072
00:56:36,071 --> 00:56:38,140
I love you, you sh... bag.
1073
00:56:40,142 --> 00:56:42,411
Hey, everybody. I'm Marshall.
1074
00:56:42,544 --> 00:56:45,314
This is a song I just wrote
about someone I met.
1075
00:56:48,417 --> 00:56:50,986
♪ I know this girl ♪
1076
00:56:51,820 --> 00:56:54,956
♪ She's got that
hourglass figure ♪
1077
00:56:56,191 --> 00:56:58,660
♪ Yeah, I know this girl ♪
1078
00:57:03,832 --> 00:57:05,467
♪ Walks like a... ♪
1079
00:57:10,739 --> 00:57:15,544
Britney, I want you to know
that I am so proud of you.
1080
00:57:16,211 --> 00:57:18,514
You are the best thing
that ever happened to me...
1081
00:57:19,348 --> 00:57:21,650
and it doesn't matter
how pretty you are
1082
00:57:21,784 --> 00:57:23,951
or where you end up in life.
1083
00:57:24,653 --> 00:57:27,689
The woman you are inside
is all that matters.
1084
00:57:30,759 --> 00:57:32,428
Oh, mom.
1085
00:57:34,296 --> 00:57:37,132
♪ She's my pride and my joy ♪
1086
00:57:37,266 --> 00:57:39,601
Joe, Joe. It's Marvin,
1087
00:57:39,735 --> 00:57:41,503
Marvin your cousin.
1088
00:57:41,637 --> 00:57:44,606
You know that new sound
you was looking for?
1089
00:57:44,740 --> 00:57:46,475
We'll take a listen to this.
1090
00:57:46,608 --> 00:57:49,211
♪ She called out to me, yeah ♪
1091
00:57:50,012 --> 00:57:54,616
♪ She know I'd be running,
well, I'm stumped then ♪
1092
00:58:00,255 --> 00:58:02,791
What is this?
Movie of the week?
1093
00:58:02,925 --> 00:58:06,195
You little rat, can't you see
we're having a moment?
1094
00:58:06,328 --> 00:58:08,497
Why did you get that bag?
Give it to me!
1095
00:58:08,630 --> 00:58:10,132
Give it to me!
1096
00:58:11,867 --> 00:58:13,602
I think you better do it.
1097
00:58:14,703 --> 00:58:17,306
Give me that.
I'll save you, don't worry.
1098
00:58:17,439 --> 00:58:19,508
Oh, you fluffy purple
little perpetrator,
1099
00:58:19,641 --> 00:58:21,009
I knew you were up
to something.
1100
00:58:21,143 --> 00:58:22,778
You're never going
to get this.
1101
00:58:22,911 --> 00:58:25,414
Hey, what the fuck do you
think you're doing?
1102
00:58:31,854 --> 00:58:33,589
Morty, get him.
1103
00:58:33,722 --> 00:58:37,125
I think that purple
thing is a homosexual.
1104
00:58:40,729 --> 00:58:42,231
- Morty!
- Yeah?
1105
00:58:42,364 --> 00:58:43,699
where the hell is Nifty?
1106
00:58:43,832 --> 00:58:46,468
Oh, uh... Yeah, um...
1107
00:58:47,236 --> 00:58:48,470
The OTB got him.
1108
00:58:48,604 --> 00:58:51,273
What the?
The OTB got another one.
1109
00:58:51,406 --> 00:58:53,642
- I know, boss.
- Wait a minute.
1110
00:58:53,775 --> 00:58:55,511
What the hell is that
in your pocket?
1111
00:58:55,644 --> 00:58:57,179
Oh, this?
1112
00:58:57,312 --> 00:58:59,481
Nothing, just the...
1113
00:59:00,649 --> 00:59:02,918
- Morty!
- It's the OTB, boss.
1114
00:59:03,051 --> 00:59:04,686
It's got me. I'm sorry.
1115
00:59:04,820 --> 00:59:06,255
The OTB is back, baby!
1116
00:59:06,388 --> 00:59:07,689
No, Morty.
1117
00:59:07,823 --> 00:59:11,393
Please don't go.
Damn you, Fontaine!
1118
00:59:11,527 --> 00:59:15,030
♪ I've seen things
you'd never believe, ♪
1119
00:59:15,497 --> 00:59:17,199
Get out of the way...
1120
00:59:19,668 --> 00:59:21,703
Hey, guess what?
It's that moment now.
1121
00:59:21,837 --> 00:59:25,374
That we're going
to crown the the OTB...
1122
00:59:25,507 --> 00:59:27,476
Girls, contestants,
come out here now.
1123
00:59:27,609 --> 00:59:30,145
It's the moment
we've all been waiting for.
1124
00:59:31,680 --> 00:59:33,248
Gather round,
gather round.
1125
00:59:33,382 --> 00:59:35,117
Gather 'round all the way,
all the way.
1126
00:59:35,250 --> 00:59:37,219
Come closer,
closer, closer, yes.
1127
00:59:37,352 --> 00:59:39,221
Now you hold this
for me, okay?
1128
00:59:39,354 --> 00:59:40,789
Ladies and gentlemen,
1129
00:59:40,923 --> 00:59:44,426
we're going to now crown
the Miss... the Miss um...
1130
00:59:44,560 --> 00:59:48,664
OTB, uh...
is going to be, uh,
1131
00:59:48,797 --> 00:59:50,599
Sparkles!
1132
00:59:51,900 --> 00:59:53,602
Congratulations,
everybody!
1133
00:59:53,735 --> 00:59:54,870
Way to go, baby.
1134
00:59:55,004 --> 00:59:57,072
Sparkles, yes.
1135
00:59:57,205 --> 00:59:59,374
Oh, no,
I've got to save Jackie.
1136
01:00:03,245 --> 01:00:05,681
Stay back.
1137
01:00:07,616 --> 01:00:10,686
Don't want any excitement,
or anybody to get hurt.
1138
01:00:10,819 --> 01:00:12,387
Somebody better
give me that money.
1139
01:00:12,521 --> 01:00:14,256
Or I'm going to blow this
b......'s brains out.
1140
01:00:14,389 --> 01:00:17,125
Oh, Jackie took the wrong bag.
1141
01:00:18,827 --> 01:00:20,228
Oh, Marshall!
1142
01:00:20,729 --> 01:00:22,798
Britney,
sometimes a woman
1143
01:00:22,931 --> 01:00:24,333
has got to stand up for her man.
1144
01:00:24,466 --> 01:00:26,101
We need a weapon.
1145
01:00:30,272 --> 01:00:32,174
Britney! Britney!
1146
01:00:32,307 --> 01:00:34,242
You don't know
what you're doing.
1147
01:00:36,378 --> 01:00:39,181
Let her go!
It's going to be okay, honey.
1148
01:00:39,314 --> 01:00:41,216
Shut the fuck up, b......!
1149
01:00:42,317 --> 01:00:44,920
Listen, I know you.
1150
01:00:45,054 --> 01:00:47,756
I know this looks bad,
but this isn't you.
1151
01:00:48,357 --> 01:00:51,126
This is the OTB talking,
am I right?
1152
01:00:51,995 --> 01:00:54,830
Oh it...
I was doing so good.
1153
01:00:55,931 --> 01:00:57,265
Great, and then...
1154
01:00:57,399 --> 01:00:59,167
you got into this casino
with all the lights
1155
01:00:59,301 --> 01:01:01,136
and the sound,
and it brought you back.
1156
01:01:01,269 --> 01:01:02,904
You just got a little lost.
1157
01:01:03,672 --> 01:01:06,775
All the lights,
they said were so pretty.
1158
01:01:07,709 --> 01:01:09,911
You just got a little lost.
1159
01:01:10,046 --> 01:01:11,847
I don't, I don't...
1160
01:01:34,703 --> 01:01:37,673
Hey, who's dick do I have
to suck to get my dick sucked?
1161
01:01:37,806 --> 01:01:39,108
Not now, lazy
1162
01:01:39,241 --> 01:01:43,545
Billy.
1163
01:01:48,051 --> 01:01:49,418
Hello, lover.
1164
01:01:51,353 --> 01:01:54,790
Believe it or not,
I'm letting you go.
1165
01:01:56,092 --> 01:02:00,029
Even though I was the one who
was talking to the OTB people...
1166
01:02:01,064 --> 01:02:03,965
and I was the one
talking to the others...
1167
01:02:04,100 --> 01:02:07,202
pumping them...
and pumping you
1168
01:02:07,335 --> 01:02:10,238
for answers
to your true motives.
1169
01:02:11,040 --> 01:02:15,410
Still, I wouldn't want anyone
locking you up in a cage.
1170
01:02:16,311 --> 01:02:19,414
Why would I do that?
I can't have you.
1171
01:02:20,049 --> 01:02:21,583
We don't belong to each other,
1172
01:02:21,717 --> 01:02:23,819
people don't belong
to other people.
1173
01:02:25,154 --> 01:02:27,123
A free spirit.
1174
01:02:27,255 --> 01:02:28,924
A wild thing.
1175
01:02:29,058 --> 01:02:31,060
A tough guy like you,
1176
01:02:31,194 --> 01:02:36,231
all you need are garbage cans
and rats galore.
1177
01:02:36,965 --> 01:02:38,134
So scram, go.
1178
01:02:38,300 --> 01:02:41,303
Get out of here, go!
1179
01:02:43,305 --> 01:02:45,774
You're just chicken,
that's all.
1180
01:02:46,408 --> 01:02:48,577
You got no guts.
1181
01:02:48,710 --> 01:02:52,081
You're afraid someone is going
to lock you in that cage.
1182
01:02:52,215 --> 01:02:53,582
Well, baby,
1183
01:02:53,715 --> 01:02:55,650
you are already
in that cage
1184
01:02:55,784 --> 01:02:58,420
and it's a cage
you built yourself.
1185
01:02:58,553 --> 01:03:00,288
And your cage is in West Bank,
1186
01:03:00,422 --> 01:03:03,925
Tupelo, Texas
or east of Somaliland.
1187
01:03:05,660 --> 01:03:09,498
It's wherever you go,
because no matter where you go,
1188
01:03:09,631 --> 01:03:13,002
you always end up running
right back into yourself.
1189
01:03:38,127 --> 01:03:40,096
Well, kids, here we are.
1190
01:03:40,229 --> 01:03:43,465
Like I said in the beginning,
I worked my way backwards.
1191
01:03:43,598 --> 01:03:45,567
Well, now you know,
as much as I do.
1192
01:03:46,135 --> 01:03:48,770
Our greed,
narcissism, nepotism,
1193
01:03:48,904 --> 01:03:52,574
womanism took our little plan
down to its knees.
1194
01:03:52,707 --> 01:03:54,243
Oh, Uncle Jackie,
1195
01:03:54,376 --> 01:03:56,411
you can blame himself
for letting it blow up.
1196
01:03:56,545 --> 01:04:00,183
But the mastermind of deceit
was that little purple coated,
1197
01:04:00,315 --> 01:04:02,417
pubic hair Kitcity Katchity.
1198
01:04:02,551 --> 01:04:04,920
You see, I thought
it was free white, 21,
1199
01:04:05,054 --> 01:04:07,889
money in hand and my genitals
still in working order.
1200
01:04:08,024 --> 01:04:10,859
But the fat lady
ain't sung yet, you see,
1201
01:04:10,993 --> 01:04:13,495
I should have seen it coming.
1202
01:04:13,628 --> 01:04:15,664
That is what she said.
1203
01:04:15,797 --> 01:04:17,666
He did it again to me.
1204
01:04:17,799 --> 01:04:20,869
I messed myself good
when that little sock puppet
1205
01:04:21,003 --> 01:04:23,405
ambushed me
on the way to Mexico,
1206
01:04:23,538 --> 01:04:24,873
popping up in my back seat,
1207
01:04:25,007 --> 01:04:27,210
sticking his filthy gun
in my good hair.
1208
01:04:27,342 --> 01:04:31,047
He was never, ever going to
share any of anything with me.
1209
01:04:31,180 --> 01:04:33,481
Just like before,
I should have known!
1210
01:04:33,615 --> 01:04:36,451
All right, you little
fucking purple faggot,
1211
01:04:36,585 --> 01:04:38,988
zing pow wow this,
motherfucker!
1212
01:05:49,524 --> 01:05:51,860
No, not you!
1213
01:05:51,994 --> 01:05:54,063
Zing pow, bébé.
1214
01:06:13,481 --> 01:06:15,583
There go the neighborhood.
1215
01:06:33,935 --> 01:06:35,837
You know, I'm his mother.
1216
01:06:39,541 --> 01:06:44,046
You know... me and Mr. K,
didn't always see eye to eye.
1217
01:06:46,382 --> 01:06:49,651
But the morning that he died,
I went out and got him
1218
01:06:49,784 --> 01:06:51,886
a racing ticket one last time.
1219
01:06:53,521 --> 01:06:55,091
And you know what?
1220
01:06:56,325 --> 01:06:57,959
It's a winner.
1221
01:07:00,396 --> 01:07:02,931
So, he went out a winner.
1222
01:07:06,335 --> 01:07:09,537
I just lose sleep at night
thinking about my poor Jackie,
1223
01:07:09,671 --> 01:07:11,440
all alone in that prison cell.
1224
01:07:12,074 --> 01:07:15,144
No one to cuddle with,
no one to kiss his head...
1225
01:07:15,277 --> 01:07:17,380
applies creams,
he needs his creams.
1226
01:07:17,512 --> 01:07:18,981
Oh, Jackie
you got to, you got to,
1227
01:07:19,115 --> 01:07:21,417
you need your creams,
baby Jackie.
1228
01:07:23,918 --> 01:07:26,222
He needs his creams...
1229
01:07:30,592 --> 01:07:32,194
Well we're still trying
to get over it.
1230
01:07:32,328 --> 01:07:33,561
Oh yeah, absolutely.
1231
01:07:33,695 --> 01:07:35,964
People and the media,
of course,
1232
01:07:36,098 --> 01:07:37,832
have just tarnished our name.
1233
01:07:37,966 --> 01:07:40,702
We look so bad and we're just,
we're really trying
1234
01:07:40,835 --> 01:07:42,737
to work through it
and come out looking on,
1235
01:07:42,871 --> 01:07:44,507
better and on top.
1236
01:07:44,639 --> 01:07:45,874
I just can't believe
that happened.
1237
01:07:46,008 --> 01:07:47,842
That's... that's so awful.
1238
01:07:47,976 --> 01:07:49,512
It's not who we are.
1239
01:07:49,644 --> 01:07:51,113
Like, we're way
better than that.
1240
01:07:51,247 --> 01:07:53,748
- Exactly.
- We're really nice people.
1241
01:07:53,882 --> 01:07:55,617
So nice.
I don't understand.
1242
01:07:55,750 --> 01:07:57,219
I don't get it.
1243
01:07:57,353 --> 01:08:03,059
Sadly, Sparkles and I
broke up the next week.
1244
01:08:04,859 --> 01:08:06,728
I really hope it works
out for them.
1245
01:08:07,430 --> 01:08:10,765
May they burn in hell
for what they did.
1246
01:08:11,599 --> 01:08:13,835
And so I wrote
a book about it.
1247
01:08:14,936 --> 01:08:17,139
Revenge is sweet.
1248
01:08:21,277 --> 01:08:23,611
Yeah!
1249
01:08:23,745 --> 01:08:25,281
Christmas!
1250
01:08:28,817 --> 01:08:31,586
Jackie is like... chewing gum
1251
01:08:31,719 --> 01:08:33,122
on the bottom of your shoe.
1252
01:08:33,255 --> 01:08:35,291
You can never get rid of him.
1253
01:08:35,424 --> 01:08:38,060
The more you pull,
the more he sticks to you.
1254
01:08:38,194 --> 01:08:41,763
Jackie'll always make a comeback
and we'll be right there...
1255
01:08:41,896 --> 01:08:43,532
Yeah, we'll be there.
1256
01:08:43,665 --> 01:08:45,334
We'll be there
as long as we can.
1257
01:08:45,468 --> 01:08:49,338
You know, there's an old saying,
scared money never wins.
1258
01:08:51,940 --> 01:08:55,244
But I'd tell you,
stupid money...
1259
01:08:55,377 --> 01:08:57,012
is an entirely
different subject.
1260
01:08:57,146 --> 01:08:59,048
And these two wrote
the book on stupid.
1261
01:08:59,181 --> 01:09:01,517
You know, Kitchity Katchity...
Which camera are we on?
1262
01:09:01,649 --> 01:09:03,651
Fuck you,
and fuck you, Jackie.
1263
01:09:03,785 --> 01:09:05,387
Fuck all of you.
1264
01:09:07,156 --> 01:09:08,524
Thank you. Good afternoon.
1265
01:09:08,656 --> 01:09:10,092
My name is Detective Johnson.
1266
01:09:10,226 --> 01:09:12,261
I'm from the crime scene unit.
1267
01:09:13,162 --> 01:09:14,629
This is where we found
the vehicle,
1268
01:09:14,762 --> 01:09:16,332
a Lincoln Continental.
1269
01:09:16,465 --> 01:09:20,469
We believe there was a struggle
inside the car...
1270
01:09:20,603 --> 01:09:23,972
that caused the car to go
off the road and flip over.
1271
01:09:24,106 --> 01:09:27,775
Mr. Katchity
was thrown from the vehicle.
1272
01:09:27,909 --> 01:09:31,046
Mr. Fontaine,
found a trail of blood,
1273
01:09:31,180 --> 01:09:33,015
we believe crawled through
1274
01:09:33,149 --> 01:09:35,384
where the front window
would have been.
1275
01:09:35,518 --> 01:09:36,885
This was not unusual.
1276
01:09:37,019 --> 01:09:40,389
What was unusual...
was the impressions...
1277
01:09:40,523 --> 01:09:43,359
of a woman's high heel
stiletto footprints
1278
01:09:43,492 --> 01:09:46,028
all over where the body
would have been.
1279
01:09:46,562 --> 01:09:48,030
But when we found Mr. Fontaine,
1280
01:09:48,164 --> 01:09:50,366
we believe,
from the state he was in...
1281
01:09:51,467 --> 01:09:54,403
and obviously, the brutality
of this crime scene...
1282
01:09:55,870 --> 01:09:57,839
We believe Mr. Katchity, uh,
1283
01:09:57,972 --> 01:10:03,345
Mr. Fontaine killed...
and ate Mr. Katchity.
1284
01:10:20,362 --> 01:10:22,464
Suck my dick,
cocksucker!
1285
01:10:22,598 --> 01:10:24,899
You don't know
what you're doing to me, huh?
1286
01:10:27,735 --> 01:10:29,371
Take this one,
I'm taking this with me.
1287
01:10:29,505 --> 01:10:31,106
Son of b.......
1288
01:10:36,412 --> 01:10:37,912
Fuck you.
1289
01:10:58,434 --> 01:11:02,204
Monkey, if I have to show you
that one more time...
1290
01:11:03,239 --> 01:11:04,939
Jackie, how do you come up
with that stuff?
1291
01:11:05,074 --> 01:11:06,442
I've heard that
a million times.
1292
01:11:06,575 --> 01:11:08,277
More times, matter of fact,
'member the time
1293
01:11:08,410 --> 01:11:10,179
I was talking about
Betty and her gal?
1294
01:11:12,448 --> 01:11:15,217
You know,
when Betty'd come over
1295
01:11:15,351 --> 01:11:17,620
and she'd pop
something on her foot.
1296
01:11:17,752 --> 01:11:19,221
Murderer.
1297
01:11:19,355 --> 01:11:22,790
You killed Kitchity Katchity.
1298
01:11:23,825 --> 01:11:27,263
You killed Kitchity Katchity.
1299
01:11:28,230 --> 01:11:30,898
It's nobody.
You got something to say?
1300
01:11:31,033 --> 01:11:32,301
You killed Kitchity Katchity
1301
01:11:32,434 --> 01:11:34,103
and left him
in the desert to die.
1302
01:11:34,236 --> 01:11:35,837
Listen here, pal.
1303
01:11:35,970 --> 01:11:38,207
You better keep your mouth shut,
you understand?
1304
01:11:38,340 --> 01:11:41,909
You left wing fudge-packing...
1305
01:11:42,044 --> 01:11:43,646
You son of a b.......
1306
01:11:59,628 --> 01:12:01,263
What's happened to me?
1307
01:12:02,897 --> 01:12:04,400
What have I become?
1308
01:12:05,668 --> 01:12:06,934
Oh, my God.
1309
01:12:09,672 --> 01:12:11,973
Sorry, guys.
1310
01:12:17,980 --> 01:12:19,548
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
1311
01:12:19,682 --> 01:12:23,085
Zing pow wow.
Jackie Fontaine here. Hey.
1312
01:12:23,218 --> 01:12:26,322
Welcome to my new,
humble abode, okay?
1313
01:12:26,455 --> 01:12:29,191
We're downsizing, you know?
That's the best way to go.
1314
01:12:29,325 --> 01:12:31,694
That's what we, the corporate
people do it all the time.
1315
01:12:31,826 --> 01:12:33,162
I learned my lesson, okay?
1316
01:12:33,295 --> 01:12:36,098
We're downsizing
and and outsourcing
1317
01:12:36,231 --> 01:12:37,733
and all that stuff.
1318
01:12:37,865 --> 01:12:39,134
Matter of fact,
I got my very own
1319
01:12:39,268 --> 01:12:42,438
telemarketer man-boy
right here.
1320
01:12:42,571 --> 01:12:43,871
Julio, you're say,
hello, Julio?
1321
01:12:44,006 --> 01:12:44,972
- Hola.
- Hola.
1322
01:12:45,107 --> 01:12:46,475
I don't know if he said,
1323
01:12:46,608 --> 01:12:48,777
blow me a hello
or goodbye or whatever.
1324
01:12:48,910 --> 01:12:50,279
But you know,
I'm learning.
1325
01:12:50,412 --> 01:12:52,448
He's teaching me,
I'm teaching him, you know?
1326
01:12:52,581 --> 01:12:54,650
Hey, El Morocco.
1327
01:12:57,319 --> 01:12:59,621
Anyways, we're going
to be back in Vegas.
1328
01:12:59,755 --> 01:13:01,190
We're going to be everywhere.
1329
01:13:01,323 --> 01:13:03,592
Hey, you need to get that
out of there, okay?
1330
01:13:03,726 --> 01:13:05,694
Anyways, you know, um.
1331
01:13:05,828 --> 01:13:08,330
Would you put that paperweight
away too, Jesus Christ.
1332
01:13:08,464 --> 01:13:11,200
Anyways,
I tell you help nowadays.
1333
01:13:11,333 --> 01:13:14,703
You know, you can't buy help,
you can't get help.
1334
01:13:15,471 --> 01:13:17,072
I'll tell you what,
speaking of help...
1335
01:13:18,873 --> 01:13:20,376
Would you be quiet back there?
1336
01:13:20,509 --> 01:13:21,744
It's my moment.
1337
01:13:22,611 --> 01:13:26,615
I sure do miss my little pal,
Kitchity Katchity.
1338
01:13:28,016 --> 01:13:29,284
I'll tell you what,
that little guy,
1339
01:13:29,418 --> 01:13:31,787
he brought
so much joy to my life.
1340
01:13:31,919 --> 01:13:33,455
God rest his soul.
1341
01:13:34,189 --> 01:13:36,024
But, you know, he'd want us
to pick ourselves up
1342
01:13:36,158 --> 01:13:37,993
by our bootstraps
and continue on,
1343
01:13:38,127 --> 01:13:39,762
and that's what
we're going to do, okay?
1344
01:13:39,894 --> 01:13:41,830
All right. See you later.
1345
01:13:41,963 --> 01:13:43,632
Julio, let me show you
how it's, work.
1346
01:13:43,766 --> 01:13:45,467
We've got to start putting
this sh... back together, okay?
1347
01:13:45,601 --> 01:13:48,070
Okay, put the piñatas
in the place.
1348
01:14:05,053 --> 01:14:06,688
Oh, hey.
1349
01:14:08,323 --> 01:14:10,826
Zing pow wow.
Your old Uncle Jackie here.
1350
01:14:10,958 --> 01:14:13,529
You know, as long as I've been
in show business,
1351
01:14:13,662 --> 01:14:16,899
well, a night like this
is very difficult
1352
01:14:17,032 --> 01:14:18,400
because unfortunately,
1353
01:14:18,534 --> 01:14:21,837
this is Uncle Jackie's
last and final show.
1354
01:14:22,504 --> 01:14:25,140
I know, I know,
but don't worry.
1355
01:14:25,274 --> 01:14:28,010
Old Uncle Jackie'll
get by somehow, you know?
1356
01:14:28,143 --> 01:14:30,045
I'm like one of them
old dirty panties.
1357
01:14:30,179 --> 01:14:32,047
I mean pennies.
1358
01:14:32,181 --> 01:14:34,116
I'm going to show up somewhere.
1359
01:14:34,249 --> 01:14:35,851
You know it, but, you know,
1360
01:14:35,984 --> 01:14:39,421
before they pull the plug
on your Uncle Jackie here,
1361
01:14:39,555 --> 01:14:41,390
I want to share
something for you.
1362
01:14:41,523 --> 01:14:44,593
Okay? I got a letter from a fan
1363
01:14:44,726 --> 01:14:48,697
and this fan calls themselves
my number one fan,
1364
01:14:48,831 --> 01:14:50,599
and I believe 'em.
1365
01:14:50,732 --> 01:14:53,135
I'd like to read
this letter to you.
1366
01:14:54,336 --> 01:14:57,406
"Dear Jackie,
I'm just a small town kid
1367
01:14:57,539 --> 01:15:00,609
from one of those
crappy countries.
1368
01:15:00,742 --> 01:15:06,114
We don't get much like you
big shots out here in America...
1369
01:15:07,082 --> 01:15:09,117
but the goulash ain't bad.
1370
01:15:09,251 --> 01:15:11,286
But when I watched you on TV,
1371
01:15:11,420 --> 01:15:15,057
doing one of your live
from Las Vegas shows...
1372
01:15:16,825 --> 01:15:19,261
...it makes me feel
like I could be someone.
1373
01:15:21,330 --> 01:15:23,465
You inspired me to dream.
1374
01:15:25,234 --> 01:15:27,236
And I know this is your
very last show,
1375
01:15:27,369 --> 01:15:30,772
but could you sing
the Buster Guy theme song
1376
01:15:30,906 --> 01:15:32,541
one last time?
1377
01:15:33,175 --> 01:15:36,778
Signed, best regards
your biggest fan."
1378
01:15:37,479 --> 01:15:39,381
Why couldn't
all of you out there
1379
01:15:39,515 --> 01:15:41,917
take a lesson
from that true fan?
1380
01:15:42,684 --> 01:15:44,520
Well, I'll tell you what,
number one fan.
1381
01:15:44,653 --> 01:15:47,656
It's been a while,
I'm going to do my best.
1382
01:15:47,789 --> 01:15:49,625
Yeah, could you put
the cue card up there?
1383
01:15:49,758 --> 01:15:51,527
Good. Okay, here we go.
1384
01:15:52,494 --> 01:15:56,765
♪ Who's that cat
roughing up that chum? ♪
1385
01:15:56,899 --> 01:16:01,970
♪ Who's that dick
beating down the pimp? ♪
1386
01:16:02,738 --> 01:16:06,642
♪ Who's the dude
kicking' ass on the fly? ♪
1387
01:16:06,775 --> 01:16:08,744
♪ Watch out! ♪
1388
01:16:08,877 --> 01:16:10,512
♪ It's Buster Guy! ♪
1389
01:16:11,280 --> 01:16:12,848
♪ Buster Guy! ♪
1390
01:16:12,982 --> 01:16:14,850
♪ Private eye! ♪
1391
01:16:14,984 --> 01:16:19,288
♪ He's that cat in disguise,
Buster Guy ♪
1392
01:16:19,421 --> 01:16:21,223
♪ Private eye! ♪
1393
01:16:23,125 --> 01:16:26,895
♪ Buster Guy, private eye ♪
1394
01:16:27,030 --> 01:16:30,666
♪ Mess them up
then say bye-bye ♪
1395
01:16:31,733 --> 01:16:34,803
♪ Buster Guy, private eye ♪
1396
01:16:34,937 --> 01:16:37,205
♪ He's the cat
and he'll kill ya high ♪
1397
01:16:37,339 --> 01:16:38,440
♪ Watch out! ♪
1398
01:16:38,574 --> 01:16:39,808
♪ Bang bang ♪
1399
01:16:39,942 --> 01:16:45,280
♪ It's Buster Guy! ♪
1400
01:16:45,414 --> 01:16:47,583
Ha! Oh, get over here.
1401
01:16:49,418 --> 01:16:51,720
- Yes.
- Yes.
1402
01:16:53,388 --> 01:16:55,791
- You know, I was thinking.
- Were you?
1403
01:16:55,924 --> 01:16:58,594
Well, yeah, I guess,
I guess I was too.
1404
01:16:59,394 --> 01:17:02,731
The whole thing
was just stupid.
1405
01:17:03,732 --> 01:17:04,766
Yeah, it was.
1406
01:17:04,900 --> 01:17:06,535
- Beneath us, really.
- Yeah, it was.
1407
01:17:06,668 --> 01:17:08,870
We've had a lot of things
beneath us, huh?
1408
01:17:09,005 --> 01:17:10,238
Just dumb.
1409
01:17:10,806 --> 01:17:13,909
Yeah, it was pretty, uh,
pretty dumb.
1410
01:17:14,043 --> 01:17:16,745
- Stupid.
- Yeah.