1
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,892
[cheers and applause]

2
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,189
All right, thank you!

3
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,107
Thank you very much!

4
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,611
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
How are you?

5
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,947
What's going on?

6
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,365
Thank you.

7
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:35,118
It's a pleasure to be here

8
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:40,499
in the greater Atlanta, Georgia,
area, this oasis.

9
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:45,128
It's nice to be here. I don't know
why I came here in June.

10
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,590
It's nice to be here.
Wasn't thinking.

11
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:54,638
Fucking ridiculously hot out there.
Just miserable, horrible.

12
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:58,016
That kind of heat, you understand
the racism down here, ya know?

13
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,311
I get it. How would you
get along with anybody?

14
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:05,649
"Look at 'em just over there,
drinkin' a cold drink!

15
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,237
Lemonade was made
for the white man!"

16
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,741
So...

17
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:19,997
What the hell have I been doing
with my life? Trying to get in shape, man.

18
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,500
But I hate going to the gym, so I
decided I'd go veggie twice a week.

19
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,918
It's brutal.

20
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:28,171
I can only make it till about 5:00.

21
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:31,508
Five o'clock, that's what I realized
about myself, you know that?

22
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:37,389
Something has to die every day
in order for me to live.

23
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:41,310
Something's got to get
its beak chopped off,

24
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,186
its feathers yanked,

25
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:47,482
uppercut to its jaw,
just in order for me to survive.

26
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:51,278
I'm trying! Couscous and all that shit.

27
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,035
It's awful.

28
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:02,122
I saw this thing, though.
They said if everybody went vegan,

29
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:05,375
if everybody went vegan or vegetarian,
whatever the hell they said.

30
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,544
One of those "V" ones, right?

31
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,505
They said it'll be great
for the environment, you know.

32
00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:14,217
I guess there's all this cattle
standing around, and when they fart,

33
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,512
the gas goes up in the atmosphere
and causes something.

34
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,306
Right?

35
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,643
They're always doing that shit.

36
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:26,480
You know, "If everybody
went vegan, the air would be...

37
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,440
If everybody drove an electric car,

38
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:32,402
if everybody just had
some snowshoes on."

39
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,364
Right? They just won't
come out and say it.

40
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:40,827
Nobody has the balls to come out and just
say, "Look, 85% of you have to go."

41
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:46,291
- That's it! That is it.
- [cheering and applause]

42
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:49,544
I have been bitching
about the population problem

43
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,838
for three specials in a row.

44
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,425
Waiting...

45
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:59,429
for some politician to have
the balls to bring it up,

46
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,473
but they won't do it,
they won't do it.

47
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,267
We live in a democracy. Right?

48
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:08,271
Can't be honest in a democracy.
You need the votes.

49
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,650
You can't run
with that as your platform.

50
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,403
Coming out there:
"And if elected,

51
00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,488
I would implement a program

52
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:20,867
to immediately eliminate
at least 85% of you!

53
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:26,123
This planet cannot sustain
the sheer numbers...

54
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,582
Let me finish!

55
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,671
This will not be arbitrary.

56
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:36,633
Under your seats
is a multiple choice questionnaire!

57
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,345
If you did not bring a pencil,
you're already out!"

58
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,391
You can't do that.

59
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,309
You got to be nice.

60
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:49,396
You got to be fuckin' nice,
especially this day and age.

61
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:52,816
Everybody getting in trouble,
all these goddamn groups out there,

62
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,610
bitch, moaning and complaining
anytime anybody says anything.

63
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,904
"We're part of a group, eh."

64
00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,740
You gotta apologize.

65
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:03,577
"I'm sorry to people
who own Shar Peis.

66
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:08,540
I didn't mean to say
that it's an ugly-ass dog, nah."

67
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,292
Right?

68
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,836
Fuck you and your group.
What about that?

69
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,672
What do you got,
two million people in your group?

70
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:20,385
There's 400 million in this country.
Nobody gives a shit.

71
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,637
Right?

72
00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,598
Who the fuck joins a group?

73
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,685
"I'm gonna join a group,
that's what I'm gonna do today."

74
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:32,814
Go to meetings.
What kind of a fucking loser, right?

75
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:39,529
That's the same way I look at people
who got upset about,

76
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,407
you know, Michael Sam,
the gay football player

77
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,576
kissing his boyfriend
when he got drafted.

78
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,411
Everybody bitch,
moaning and complaining.

79
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:51,374
It's like, dude, that's what you
get for watching the draft, all right?

80
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:56,338
Now once again,
what kind of a fucking loser

81
00:04:56,421 --> 00:05:00,383
just sits there watching
round after round?

82
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,552
"The Jets are up next.

83
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,554
I think they need a quarterback.

84
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:08,934
They need to improve
their defensive line."

85
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:12,813
Dude, that's like going
to a graduation ceremony

86
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,357
where you don't know
anybody who's graduating.

87
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,275
You're just fucking sitting there.

88
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,903
They're gonna have
the whole list the next day.

89
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:23,406
They'll have everybody.
Who drafted who, when.

90
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,576
Fucking got to sit there
and watch that shit.

91
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,787
Those stupid interviews.

92
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:32,624
"Yeah, you're a member of
the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?"

93
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:37,337
"Well, you know, it's a blessing.
I want to thank God.

94
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:40,340
Gonna try to do my best,
it's a great organization,

95
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:43,635
and the same shit the last
80 guys said. So, yeah."

96
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,597
Yeah.

97
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,809
I'm glad he kissed him.
He should have fuckin' blown him.

98
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,018
Yeah!

99
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:56,481
With birthday cake in his mouth
and a Santa Claus hat on his head,

100
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,609
just to ruin the entire year.

101
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:03,655
Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day.
You'll keep thinking about it.

102
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,618
Yeah.

103
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,954
Fucking stupid-ass groups.

104
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,624
People apologizing to 'em
like they have some sort of power.

105
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,626
Look, if you're being a dick, apologize.

106
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,921
But other than that,
yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah.

107
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,465
[cheers and applause]

108
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:26,761
Everybody getting in trouble,
like a bunch of children.

109
00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:31,641
I was doing a gig in Dallas, and some
waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard.

110
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:36,313
She goes, "We like our beer the way
we like our violence, domestic."

111
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,814
Right?

112
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:42,402
Now I got to tell you something.
That's a great fucking joke!

113
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:46,489
There is zero fat on that.
You need every word of that joke.

114
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,867
You take one word out,
it doesn't work.

115
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:52,662
It's a perfect joke.
So whatever, nobody gives a shit.

116
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:56,416
One person comes in, they don't like it,
they ask the manager to take it down.

117
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:59,002
He's just like,
"That's our sense of humor here.

118
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:02,672
Have a beer, go fuck yourself.
That's what we're doing."

119
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,676
She takes a picture of it,
puts it on Facebook.

120
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:11,014
All of a sudden, people start complaining.
They fired the manager and the waitress.

121
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,891
Because of that. Yeah!

122
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:16,937
I don't understand, like,
what do they think is gonna happen

123
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,773
if somebody reads that joke?

124
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,943
Like, you're some guy who would
never hit a woman, ya know.

125
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,530
Would never hit a woman.
You can't hit women. You honestly cannot.

126
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:31,034
You ever see how they fall?
They fall like toddlers, you know?

127
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:34,913
It's like they never fell in their life.
They never put their hands out.

128
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:38,708
It's horrific to watch.
You can't hit them. Right?

129
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:44,005
So what are you telling me?
Somebody...

130
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:47,592
you're telling me someone
who never hit a woman

131
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:50,053
is gonna come walking in,
read that joke,

132
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,722
you know, just be, "Wait a minute!"

133
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,683
[shouts angrily]

134
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,608
That's the dumbest shit.

135
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:07,737
They have all kinds of signs out there
telling people not to hit women,

136
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,739
people still do it.

137
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,617
What do you think wife beaters
are doing when they drive home?

138
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,078
They're like so focused
on hitting their wife,

139
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,747
they got blinders on,
they're not reading anything?

140
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:23,586
They don't see the
"Don't Hit Your Wife" billboard?

141
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,171
They're still gonna do it.

142
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,675
Did that get too weird for you guys?

143
00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:37,767
Did the church organs make that
fucked up like I was up here?

144
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,937
"Make a pledge for Jesus
and hit your women."

145
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,861
Ever watch some of those
stupid religious shows?

146
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,655
That fucking Joel Osteen,
you ever see that guy?

147
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:54,659
That guy is so full of shit, he doesn't
even open his eyes when he's talking.

148
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:58,163
"Take a pledge for Jesus.
Are they still here?"

149
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,415
He doesn't even have
the nerve to open his eyes.

150
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,878
"You want some popsicles?
Jesus wants you to have some popsicles.

151
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,464
He wants you to have
those popsicles."

152
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,716
His fucking electric blue carpet.

153
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:16,056
Yeah, everybody's getting in trouble
'cause of these goddamn groups.

154
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:19,809
Look at the amount of old people
that got in trouble this year.

155
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,770
Old people get in trouble, right?

156
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:24,898
That older woman there
that makes the cookies

157
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:29,569
on the Food Network, right?

158
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,654
Yeah, Paula Deen.
She got in trouble,

159
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:35,992
'cause she had this slavery-themed
wedding or whatever the hell she did.

160
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,999
In defense of her, you know,
you want to have an original wedding.

161
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,543
There's not a lot
of themes left, you know?

162
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:49,130
You got to use the old imagination
if you're gonna

163
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:52,258
try to blow people away
with your creativity, right?

164
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:58,181
I'm actually gonna have a Holocaust-
themed pool party later on this summer.

165
00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,682
I am.

166
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,105
"Once everyone gets
in ze pool, ja."

167
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,738
"It was weird, it was like it was
offensive but like refreshing, you know?

168
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:17,909
I don't know, I don't know
how I feel about it."

169
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,957
Yeah, she got in trouble.

170
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:28,920
The old redneck on Duck Dynasty,
that dude got in trouble.

171
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,089
The owner of the Clippers
got in trouble.

172
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:34,050
And I'm not saying what these people
did wasn't offensive.

173
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,718
I'm not sayin' that shit.

174
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,239
What pissed me off was at no point
during all of these stories

175
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:41,224
did anybody
address their age, you know?

176
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:44,060
They're fucking old, you know?

177
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,312
What did you think they thought?

178
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:51,401
You never talked to a grandparent
and asked the wrong question

179
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,653
and all of a sudden,
it went down this crazy road?

180
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:57,991
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's get back
to the cookies, Grandma!

181
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:01,953
Let's leave that shit
over here, what the fuck?"

182
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:05,331
Yeah, they're old.

183
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,250
What did you think they thought?

184
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,170
I mean... I'm gonna be honest with you.

185
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:14,507
People were too hard on that
Clippers guy, man, I'm telling you.

186
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:20,013
For an 80-year-old white guy,
that wasn't that bad. All right?

187
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,974
Dude, he didn't drop
the "N" word once.

188
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,977
That's unbelievable
for an 80-year-old white guy.

189
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:30,064
The "N" word should have been
carpet-bombed through that whole tape.

190
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,941
He never said it once!

191
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,195
If you go back and listen to that tape...
Go back and listen to it.

192
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,240
Other than Instagram,
he's pretty fucking liberal.

193
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:44,370
He's like, "You can hang out with them,
you can have sex with them,

194
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:47,457
just don't promote it on Instagram."

195
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:53,421
Yeah, it was the weirdest,
most compartmentalized,

196
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:56,883
like, racism I ever heard in my life.

197
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,927
Something about Instagram,
I didn't get it.

198
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,846
Other than that,
he was wide open.

199
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:06,059
"You can make a snowman
with them, go to a water park,

200
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,895
rub your bellies together,

201
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,273
just don't promote it on Instagram."

202
00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:13,775
"Hey, what about Facebook?"

203
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:16,986
"I don't give a fuck about Facebook!

204
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,905
Keep it off of Instagram!"

205
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,243
Yeah.

206
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:28,039
Dude, you understand,
the guy is 80 years old.

207
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:31,960
Do the math.
This dude was born in 1934.

208
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:36,255
That's 13 years before Jackie Robinson
broke the color barrier.

209
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:40,385
First 12 and a half years of this guy's
life, he watched all-white baseball,

210
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:41,678
and it was fine!

211
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:47,934
First 12 and a half years.
"Up next, Whitey Willoughby!

212
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:52,397
There's a line shot out
to Peter Peckerwood, what a catch!

213
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,316
Unbelievable,
in to Chris Cracker!

214
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,070
What a great day.
What a great day for a ballgame.

215
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:01,656
White baseball, white players."

216
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:08,287
Dude, his parents were part of
the generation that finished off

217
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:12,041
the genocide of
the Native Americans, all right?

218
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,002
That's who taught him his ABCs.

219
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:18,923
You know?
"♪ A, B, C, D, E... ♪

220
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:22,218
Hey, get that savage off
my property!

221
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,303
Get out of here!

222
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,848
I thought we killed all you people!

223
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,143
Put a fence around them!

224
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,856
♪ H, I, J, K... ♪"

225
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,861
Yeah. What did you think
was gonna happen?

226
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:45,241
The owner of the Clippers,
you know what his big crime was?

227
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,285
He lived too long.

228
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:52,582
He did. If he'd died around 1969, 1970,
nobody would have noticed.

229
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:57,837
Dude, look at Walt Disney,
Walt Disney was a known anti-Semite.

230
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,965
But he died in the early '70s.
Nobody gives a shit.

231
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:04,927
Look at him, he's got a castle,
bunch of mice running around.

232
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:07,096
Nobody cares.

233
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,015
This guy kept living.

234
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,393
Telling you, you can live too long.

235
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,105
You can live too long,
I'm telling you.

236
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,940
You wear out your welcome.

237
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:23,654
I swear to God,
this fucking guy,

238
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:26,032
I bet in the 1940's,
he was considered a hippie.

239
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,325
You know?

240
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,161
Just walking around, "Hey,
you can hang out with 'em,

241
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:33,998
you can have sex
with 'em, man, you know?"

242
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,666
His dad's getting all pissed off:

243
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,853
"Let me tell you something, see?
You stay with your own!

244
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,003
You stay with your own."

245
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,258
That's true, though.

246
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:49,013
Life can pass you by. It happens.
You just keep living and living.

247
00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:52,016
Basically, I think you got,
like, 25, 30 years

248
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:56,312
to absorb as much as you can,
and then that's it, that's all you know.

249
00:14:56,396 --> 00:15:00,191
'Cause right around then,
you get married, and it's over, right?

250
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:03,236
You have a couple of kids,
you're sucked in the bubble.

251
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:06,906
You don't have time to pay attention
to what's going on out in the world.

252
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,468
You're stuck with these kids.
"It's shitting all over the place!

253
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,869
Don't be a serial killer!
Don't touch that!"

254
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,746
You're just stuck in that.

255
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:18,042
You have three, four kids,
that is a 25-year sentence,

256
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:20,044
trying to get them
all through college.

257
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:23,214
Society just keeps fucking going.

258
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:26,134
You get the last one through college,
step back out of the bubble...

259
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,448
You don't know what happened.
You're not even paying attention.

260
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,391
You go back to your
old record collection.

261
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:36,477
[scatting]

262
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:43,067
Someone sticks a mike in your face,
you're gonna get in trouble.

263
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:50,408
Yeah. It's one of the sad
things about life.

264
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,911
You get old and it passes you by.
I feel it passing me by.

265
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:57,915
I'm 46 years old. I don't even have kids,
but I can't keep up anymore.

266
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,250
I had a college gig coming up,

267
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,086
I was like, I gotta figure out
what these kids are into.

268
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:05,339
I was 24 when a senior was born.

269
00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,151
I got to figure out
what these dudes are into,

270
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:11,095
so I guess they're into like,
this like DJ music or some shit,

271
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:13,973
so I'm like, all right,
I'll watch some of this.

272
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,475
You know?

273
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:19,270
So I have like a reference or two.

274
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,354
I don't want to be that
old comic coming to the gig

275
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,250
being like, "What's up
with this Monica Lewinsky?

276
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:29,614
Is this crazy? I mean, this Y2K...
Is my stylus gonna work? I don't know."

277
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:36,120
So I put this shit on.
Dude, I lasted 90 seconds.

278
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:38,956
Ninety seconds. I was open-minded.
"All right, put it on!"

279
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,760
Ninety seconds later,
I'm like this old man.

280
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:45,379
"Ah, this isn't music!"
You know?

281
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,258
"When I was a kid, you dressed like
a woman and you sung about the devil.

282
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,178
Now, that was music!

283
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:58,267
And you had one ballad every album,
started off in black and white

284
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,187
and when the guitar solo came in,
it went to color.

285
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,813
Yeah, that was music."

286
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,151
Yeah.

287
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,237
All of this shit's passing me by.

288
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,407
I'll get in trouble later on in my life.
Transgender athletes?

289
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:16,077
I don't fucking understand
that, you know?

290
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:21,374
I understand, you want to switch around,
I don't give a shit, but I'm a sports fan.

291
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:25,503
That's a really new concept to me,
that you can be a dude, right?

292
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,380
Ranked 80th in the fucking world.

293
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:30,091
You have your dick cut off,
you put on a sports bra,

294
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,176
and now you're the #1
tennis player in the world,

295
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,554
just coming out there
with your man shoulders.

296
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:38,391
[grunting]

297
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,435
That doesn't seem fair.
I might be wrong.

298
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:44,272
I might just be an old guy,
I have no idea.

299
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:49,277
But I'm hearing rumors like some
of them are getting into that MMA.

300
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,529
You can't have that shit.

301
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,030
Am I nuts?

302
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:56,075
That is a dickless dude
beating the shit out of a woman.

303
00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:02,415
Jesus Christ! He might as well hit her
with his discarded dick like a flashlight.

304
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,544
"Hold still!"

305
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,462
"Her ground and pound is incredible."

306
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,633
Yeah.

307
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:15,529
I'm not saying these people are right,
and I'm not saying that I'm right.

308
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,930
I know I'm a fucking moron,
ya know.

309
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:23,477
But that Duck Dynasty guy...
I know what he said was wrong,

310
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:26,230
but I don't get the shock.

311
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:29,650
Said that homophobic stuff,
and people are like, "Can you believe?"

312
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,403
Yeah, I totally can believe it.

313
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:37,867
If I was in Vegas, I would have put 90%
of my shit on that he was gonna say it.

314
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,621
I'd give him a 10% benefit
of the doubt just in case.

315
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:47,251
Are you seriously shocked some
redneck with a beard down to his dick

316
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:52,173
sitting in a boat in the middle
of a swamp shooting varmints?

317
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,592
Like, what did you
think he thought?

318
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:59,764
Did you think he had some progressive
ideas on same-sex marriage?

319
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:02,224
[cheers and applause]

320
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,268
Yeah.

321
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,103
Didn't he think...

322
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:08,356
Didn't he think
exactly what you thought...

323
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,732
he thought, you know?

324
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,111
You know what kills me too?
That fuckin' kinda shit,

325
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,516
that homophobic stuff, that
all comes from the church, man.

326
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:17,990
Doesn't it come from that shit?

327
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:19,659
There's something in there.

328
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,786
I never read the Book, all right?

329
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,789
I tried to.
They need to fucking update it.

330
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:28,292
They update iTunes
every fuckin' six days.

331
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:31,295
Can we update the language
and make it a little more

332
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,298
user friendlieth...
for someone like me?

333
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,633
Right?

334
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:41,263
That's where he gets
all those fucking ideas.

335
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:44,725
That Duck Dynasty guy,
it's not his fault that he went to...

336
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:48,145
He went to Sunday School
in like 1949, you know?

337
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,583
I think all of that shit
comes from the church.

338
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:52,751
They just fuckin' brainwash you.

339
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:56,320
You know? Don't clap, don't clap,
I don't read, I don't read.

340
00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:57,571
Follow someone else.

341
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:03,327
I'm telling you,
they brainwash you.

342
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,831
Come into the church, your brain's all
empty, they fill it like a jelly donut.

343
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,208
[making squishing sounds]

344
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:14,839
Just brainwash you.
"♪ Say what we say when we say it ♪

345
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:18,801
♪ Say it again, then you can
go home to your toys ♪"

346
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,470
"♪ All right, I'll say it ♪

347
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,597
♪ I'll say it again ♪

348
00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,350
♪ Now can I go home to my toys? ♪"

349
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:30,855
Right? And you repeat
everything they say.

350
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:34,358
The good, the bad,
and the fucking horrific.

351
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,026
They stick a star
on your forehead.

352
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:37,361
"You're a big boy."

353
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,697
"Looks like people like me!"

354
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,532
You get on with your life.

355
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,368
You go to college, you get
a master's degree in English

356
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,455
like this redneck dude had,
he invents the new duck whistle

357
00:20:47,538 --> 00:20:49,457
or whatever the hell
you call it, right.

358
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:50,708
Yours goes, "Whack whack!"

359
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,877
Mine goes,
"Whack-a-fuckin'-whack!"

360
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:59,842
Dude makes a zillion bucks,
gets his own TV show, he's loving life.

361
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,970
And out of nowhere,
here comes that same question

362
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,681
sixty years later from Sunday School,

363
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:08,517
and he stands up like
the Manchurian Candidate.

364
00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:15,775
"Jesus liked hookers and lepers,
doesn't like the queers."

365
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:18,861
And everybody freaks
the fuck out, and he's like,

366
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,529
"That's what they said!"

367
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:24,492
And they're all dead.
"Oh, where'd everybody go?

368
00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:26,660
I thought I was a good boy!"

369
00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:31,499
He's just this scared old man
getting yelled at in a boat.

370
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,670
I don't understand.

371
00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:40,716
I don't understand
why a group like GLAAD, right?

372
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,760
I always forget,
it's Gay Lesbian A...

373
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:45,596
whatever the fuck
it stands for, all right?

374
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:48,557
Why do they go after
the old guy in the boat?

375
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:51,602
Why don't they go after the people
writing the Book? Right?

376
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:57,316
"Hey, could you please teareth outeth
those coupleth of pages?"

377
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,611
They're not gonna do that. That's
the Vatican. They're their own city.

378
00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:02,088
They got a wall around their own city.

379
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:05,032
They're brushing off cases
of pedophilia like it's nothing.

380
00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:07,743
They're not taking that call.

381
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,954
"Oh, what happened?
Really? Go fuck yourself."

382
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,414
Click. They don't care.

383
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:15,584
[applause]

384
00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:20,714
I learned a long time ago, I think
whatever you're into, you're into,

385
00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:23,300
but I'm not into that
religious stuff where...

386
00:22:23,384 --> 00:22:25,844
And this is why. I actually
walked away from my religion.

387
00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:29,557
I had to be honest with myself.
One, I didn't like to go...

388
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,476
I didn't like going to church
every week, you know?

389
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,812
I just didn't.
Part of it was I'm lazy.

390
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:36,814
I don't like getting up on Sundays,

391
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:40,484
and the other part was
I already heard all the stories, okay?

392
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:43,654
Heard them three, four times,
the Dude hasn't come back yet.

393
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:47,825
You know, we're just sort of mulching
over the same shit here, I got it.

394
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,910
- Right?
- [cheers and applause]

395
00:22:49,994 --> 00:22:52,663
And the other aspect was,
you know, I actually...

396
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:54,582
I had to be honest with myself.

397
00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:58,168
I felt my religion made sense
and everybody else's sounded stupid.

398
00:22:58,252 --> 00:22:59,712
[cackles]

399
00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:01,130
I did.

400
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:03,882
Look, I'm not talking
about the basis of every religion.

401
00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:07,511
Basis of every religion makes sense,
you know, the Ten Commandments.

402
00:23:07,595 --> 00:23:08,846
Don't kill anybody.

403
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:11,724
Don't touch my wife.
That's my bike. Right?

404
00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:15,352
That all makes sense.

405
00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:18,522
Of which, I've broken,
I think I've broken just about

406
00:23:18,606 --> 00:23:21,525
every commandment
except for the fifth one, that's it.

407
00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:24,069
I haven't killed
anybody yet, right?

408
00:23:24,153 --> 00:23:27,990
But the murderous thoughts that
I have sometimes, I think I could do it.

409
00:23:30,451 --> 00:23:33,537
Like when someone gets on a plane
and they kick off their loafers,

410
00:23:33,621 --> 00:23:36,457
and they're wearing those gold-toed,
like, dress socks,

411
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:38,500
and they cross their feet
at the ankles,

412
00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:40,878
and they just start
rubbing their feet together.

413
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:44,798
Like, I see the whole thing,
see the whole thing.

414
00:23:44,882 --> 00:23:46,717
Wrapping that sock.

415
00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:51,513
Shh... Shh... Shh...

416
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:54,892
Right?

417
00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:57,102
See the whole thing, so we'll see.

418
00:23:58,896 --> 00:24:01,023
Still early on, right?

419
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,567
But just the stories
of how we got here,

420
00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:06,403
and where we're going,
and what happens after we die,

421
00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:08,864
everybody else's religion
sounded stupid, you know?

422
00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:10,175
Like, I live out in Los Angeles,

423
00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:12,785
there's a bunch of
Scientologists out there,

424
00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:15,454
and the first time I heard
the story of Scientology,

425
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:20,959
I was like, "That is the dumbest shit
I have ever heard in my life."

426
00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:22,252
[man] Yeah!

427
00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:24,672
Like, your guy's name is Ron?

428
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,800
Ron!

429
00:24:27,883 --> 00:24:30,511
And he wasn't alive
thousands of years ago,

430
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:32,197
so you can hide
a lot of it in the mystery.

431
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:35,432
This guy was alive,
like, 45, 50 years ago.

432
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:39,812
He had a driver's license,
Social Security number.

433
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:43,357
There's like footage of him stubbing
his toe. "Motherfucker!" Right?

434
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:49,238
I know what happened. He was
working at Denny's, he got sick of it.

435
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:53,784
"I'll start a religion. Hey, everybody,
there's this spaceship coming back.

436
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:57,454
Everybody's getting sneakers.
This is Tom Cruise.

437
00:24:57,538 --> 00:25:00,791
We're gonna try
to make you clear, right?"

438
00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:04,795
Look, I'm paraphrasing,
I'm paraphrasing.

439
00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:07,464
To be fair to the Scientologists,
I am paraphrasing,

440
00:25:07,548 --> 00:25:11,176
but that's essentially
what they believe in.

441
00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:16,140
And I said that is the dumbest shit
I ever heard

442
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:18,142
while simultaneously
still kind of believing

443
00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:20,144
that a woman
who never got fucked

444
00:25:20,227 --> 00:25:24,565
had a baby that walked on water, died,
and came back three days later. So...

445
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:27,651
Yeah.

446
00:25:27,735 --> 00:25:30,821
That made total sense to me.

447
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:32,948
So it just hit me one day, I was like,

448
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:36,869
why does that make sense
and that shit doesn't, you know?

449
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:40,664
They got a spaceship
in theirs, you know? We... right?

450
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:43,292
We got the space shuttle,
you know? There's sneakers.

451
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:45,919
There's a lot of shit
I can relate to in this.

452
00:25:48,589 --> 00:25:50,758
Why does that sound
so dumb to me?

453
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:53,385
You know what it is?

454
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:55,829
I think it's 'cause I heard
their story when I was an adult.

455
00:25:57,014 --> 00:25:59,850
I heard my story when I was
four years old, right?

456
00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:02,269
When I heard my story,
there was still some fat fuck

457
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:05,022
coming down the chimney,
giving me Christmas toys.

458
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:09,026
If I lost a tooth, there was a fairy.
There was the Easter Bunny.

459
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:12,780
Why wouldn't there be some bearded baby
moonwalking across the lake?

460
00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:18,911
Throwing out bottomless buckets
of shrimp or whatever He did?

461
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,206
Of course that made sense.

462
00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:28,337
What happened was, as I got older,
all of that stuff started to fall, right?

463
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:32,549
"Ah, son, there is no fat fuck,
it's your mother and I.

464
00:26:32,633 --> 00:26:35,844
Your mom's the Tooth Fairy,
rabbits don't have eggs,

465
00:26:35,928 --> 00:26:40,098
her tits are fake, the NBA is fixed!
Bankers are cunts!

466
00:26:40,182 --> 00:26:42,643
Most of your dreams
won't come true!"

467
00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:44,061
Right?

468
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:49,525
And I was just like, "Wow,
this is how the world is."

469
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:51,944
And meanwhile
this shit was just floating,

470
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:55,739
this 800-pound gorilla
of this fucking story.

471
00:26:55,823 --> 00:26:58,784
I just had to make a decision,
what am I gonna do?

472
00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:02,287
What am I gonna do with this?
Am I gonna cling to it, be that person?

473
00:27:02,371 --> 00:27:06,583
"That's very offensive to me
and other Christians and..."

474
00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:09,711
Become that douche? All right?

475
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:14,091
And be like the casual Christian, right,
with, like, one foot on base,

476
00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:17,886
just, "Yeah, I kind of go,
a couple of times a year,

477
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:21,348
and, like, if my parents
come to town,

478
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,810
I act like I go all the time,
and I don't go anymore."

479
00:27:26,728 --> 00:27:29,606
Or my last option,
which was basically just,

480
00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:32,067
just let go of the shit, you know?

481
00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:33,694
Just let go.

482
00:27:33,777 --> 00:27:35,654
[cheers and applause]

483
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:39,658
Just let go of it like
that creepy moment in curling.

484
00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:41,201
You know.

485
00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:46,039
That moment where the shooter,
or whatever you call them,

486
00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:47,875
is just sliding with
that rock, right?

487
00:27:47,958 --> 00:27:50,836
Just let me do this right,
just sliding.

488
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,025
And you think he's along
for the ride, the two of them,

489
00:27:56,049 --> 00:27:59,344
they're a team, and all of a sudden
out of nowhere he just goes fucking...

490
00:28:03,891 --> 00:28:07,477
That rock just keeps going,
this dude just stops.

491
00:28:10,147 --> 00:28:13,400
That's what I did with my religion.
I just let go of it.

492
00:28:13,483 --> 00:28:17,863
I didn't read a riot act to anybody,
I just let go of it.

493
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:21,283
"And on the third day, He rose again
in fulfillment of the Scriptures..."

494
00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:27,164
I just floated away.

495
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:30,459
[cheers and applause]

496
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:33,462
So now it's like,
I'm in this weird place

497
00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:36,965
where I'm not
in any religion right now.

498
00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:39,384
Unrestricted free agent.

499
00:28:39,468 --> 00:28:40,969
You know?

500
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,930
[cackles]

501
00:28:43,013 --> 00:28:44,240
I'd like to believe in something,

502
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,975
so I've been going around
asking people what their shit is,

503
00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:49,228
and I haven't been
able to find anything.

504
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:52,856
Trying to be open-minded.
I was doing a gig in Helsinki,

505
00:28:52,940 --> 00:28:56,693
and over there, they're, like, Lutheran,
and what they believe,

506
00:28:56,777 --> 00:29:00,697
they believe when you die,
you're dead and that's it.

507
00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:04,868
Dead, like a pigeon,
just... just layin' there. Over.

508
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:09,289
Blew my mind, I'm like,
"Really? You're just dead?"

509
00:29:09,373 --> 00:29:13,710
Like my religion was you die, and then
you go up to get judged, right?

510
00:29:13,794 --> 00:29:16,046
God pops in the DVD of your life.

511
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:18,715
"Well, I don't know
about this right here.

512
00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,342
Mind explaining yourself?"

513
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:27,057
This might be the most
arrogant thing I say all night,

514
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:31,144
but I actually resent the fact
that I'm gonna get judged someday.

515
00:29:31,228 --> 00:29:34,147
Like, if that's true,
that somebody's gonna judge me,

516
00:29:34,231 --> 00:29:35,500
that doesn't even make any sense.

517
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:38,235
It's like, Dude, you made me,
so this is your fuck-up.

518
00:29:38,318 --> 00:29:44,449
All right? Let's not try to turn
this around on me. You know?

519
00:29:44,533 --> 00:29:47,244
Jesus Christ.

520
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:50,038
You give me freedom of choice,
you make whores,

521
00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:51,498
you have me suck at math,

522
00:29:51,581 --> 00:29:54,459
and you don't think this thing's
gonna go off the rails?

523
00:29:55,502 --> 00:30:00,924
Like, you set me up to fail,
and now you got the balls

524
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:05,053
to now question...
your own goddamn work.

525
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:08,765
Dude, if I made a car,
if I built a car and it didn't run,

526
00:30:08,849 --> 00:30:10,183
I wouldn't burn it forever.

527
00:30:10,267 --> 00:30:14,187
"You evil piece of shit!"
Just light it on fire.

528
00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:15,981
I wouldn't, I would troubleshoot.

529
00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:18,942
Is there gas in the engine?
Is the battery charged?

530
00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:23,780
"Anything beyond this, I got to get a real
man to look at it, but I believe in you.

531
00:30:23,864 --> 00:30:25,699
I'm gonna try and help you out."

532
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:31,955
Yes, my religion, it's nuts.
It's fucking nuts.

533
00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:36,209
Like, my religion, like, the way
I was brought up is like, you know,

534
00:30:36,293 --> 00:30:38,086
you can make it to heaven but, like,

535
00:30:38,170 --> 00:30:40,797
some of your family members
possibly couldn't,

536
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:42,799
or some of your friends.

537
00:30:42,883 --> 00:30:44,301
Doesn't even make sense.

538
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:48,972
Like how am I supposed to enjoy heaven
if that's the deal, right?

539
00:30:49,056 --> 00:30:51,308
Just sitting here, waiting
for my friends to show up,

540
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:55,145
"Jesus Christ, where the hell are they?
It's been, like, 150 years!

541
00:30:55,228 --> 00:30:57,981
They must have ate a lot of
Brussels sprouts or some shit!

542
00:30:58,065 --> 00:30:59,399
Doing some yoga, right?"

543
00:30:59,483 --> 00:31:03,862
And then one day, it just settles in
that they didn't make it.

544
00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:06,365
And then what, I'm still
gonna enjoy heaven, right?

545
00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:08,241
Jesus coming walking over:

546
00:31:08,325 --> 00:31:13,872
"Hey, how is it going, everybody?
Isn't this great? Isn't this great?"

547
00:31:13,955 --> 00:31:16,833
"Yeah, Dude, it'd be even better
if all my family members and friends

548
00:31:16,917 --> 00:31:19,336
weren't burning for fucking ever!

549
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:22,381
Kind of hard to enjoy heaven
when you just keep

550
00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:25,050
thinking of that there, J-star,
what do you think?

551
00:31:26,426 --> 00:31:28,261
Hey, Dude, I didn't
ask you to come over.

552
00:31:28,345 --> 00:31:30,347
You came walking over
with your big, dumb sandals.

553
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,183
'Hey, hey, how is it going over here?'

554
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:34,351
Why did you come over here?

555
00:31:34,434 --> 00:31:38,021
I don't give a damn.
Dude, tell your dad. I don't give a fuck!

556
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:41,274
I'm already in here,
I'm already in here.

557
00:31:41,358 --> 00:31:43,860
What, are you gonna
kick me out afterwards?

558
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:47,030
Go fuck yourself. I knew He was
gonna be like that, I knew it.

559
00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:49,658
The boss's son is the worst.

560
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:54,121
Fucking sense of entitlement."

561
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:58,291
So yeah, so they believe
when you die, you're dead.

562
00:31:58,375 --> 00:32:00,168
And I was like, so you're just dead.

563
00:32:00,252 --> 00:32:03,046
Like, how do you wrap
your head around not existing?

564
00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:04,440
I couldn't get my head around it.

565
00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:09,136
He goes, "Well, like before, when you
were born, do you remember that?"

566
00:32:09,219 --> 00:32:12,931
And I was like, "No," and the guy's like,
"Yeah, it's just like that."

567
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:20,981
I'm like, not only does that make sense,
that is absolutely terrifying.

568
00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:26,528
Dude, I got to be honest, I hate
how scared I'm getting as I get older.

569
00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:29,371
I'm developing all these new fears.
Like, I have a fear of flying now.

570
00:32:29,406 --> 00:32:33,076
I never had a fear of it. It's not
straight-across-the-board flying.

571
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,495
I don't like small planes
all of a sudden.

572
00:32:35,579 --> 00:32:38,099
I just don't like them, and it has
nothing to do with the plane.

573
00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:43,670
I believe in the planes, okay?
I just don't believe in the pilots.

574
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:47,048
'Cause you know what?
I don't think the airline does, either.

575
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:51,219
Which is why that dude is flying
that little plane.

576
00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:53,054
The airline was basically, like,

577
00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:58,101
"All right, we'll give you,
like, 28 people.

578
00:32:58,185 --> 00:33:00,228
See how you do, you know?

579
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:05,066
You fly them up, you land,
you bring another 28 back.

580
00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:06,335
We'll let you do this for a while.

581
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,738
You do this for a while,
we don't get any complaints,

582
00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:12,282
no up and down, up and down,

583
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:16,369
none of that shit,
we'll move you up to 35 people.

584
00:33:16,453 --> 00:33:18,288
And then one day,
you'll be in a jet..."

585
00:33:18,371 --> 00:33:20,749
Whoo! We're going
a little faster. Right?

586
00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:24,716
Big planes, you're getting the fuckin'
pilot that knows what he's doing.

587
00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:27,064
He's probably fought in a war.
He's used to getting shot at.

588
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:30,258
He can't bring this bus in?
It's a joke. Right?

589
00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:34,179
A bunch of people whining in the back,
"My headphones don't work!"

590
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:37,265
He doesn't give a fuck, right?
He's up there sleeping.

591
00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:39,976
He's trying to make something happen,
he's so goddamn bored.

592
00:33:40,060 --> 00:33:42,062
That's a stud up there, right?

593
00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:44,689
So one time I'm flying
into Albany, New York, okay,

594
00:33:44,773 --> 00:33:46,650
a city that nobody really goes to.

595
00:33:46,733 --> 00:33:49,277
So I'm on a smaller plane,
and everything is going great.

596
00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:51,863
All of a sudden, out of nowhere,
we hit this turbulence.

597
00:33:51,947 --> 00:33:54,866
[imitating sounds of turbulence]

598
00:33:54,950 --> 00:33:58,453
And it stops, and everybody
looks around laughing nervously, like...

599
00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:01,748
[nervous laughter]

600
00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:06,336
All of a sudden, it comes back
with a vengeance.

601
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:10,215
You can literally hear
the metal the plane's made of, like...

602
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:16,471
All of a sudden, this dude three rows back
starts making these bitchy noises.

603
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:20,934
"Whoa! Whaaa! Whoa!
Whaaaa! Whoa!"

604
00:34:22,269 --> 00:34:28,483
I'm not gonna lie, I have never been
so fucking scared in my entire life.

605
00:34:28,567 --> 00:34:33,530
Dude, that noise is acceptable
out of a female or a child.

606
00:34:34,948 --> 00:34:39,244
But turn around and see a 37-year-old
mustachioed male going...

607
00:34:39,327 --> 00:34:41,454
"Whoo! Whaaa! Whoa!"

608
00:34:41,538 --> 00:34:44,708
Dude, the hair was
standing up on my arms.

609
00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:49,254
I'm praying to a higher power,
I don't even believe in the shit!

610
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:51,274
I just wish I had the balls
to turn around and be like,

611
00:34:51,298 --> 00:34:53,550
"Dude, would you
shut the fuck up?

612
00:34:53,633 --> 00:34:56,344
Jesus Christ,
be a man, push it down.

613
00:34:56,428 --> 00:34:59,431
Push it down, deny your feelings,
act like you have answers.

614
00:34:59,514 --> 00:35:03,143
Do some man shit right now.
Do some man shit."

615
00:35:04,477 --> 00:35:08,064
Jesus Christ. You know?

616
00:35:08,148 --> 00:35:10,567
"You think I'm not up here thinking...
'Whaaa! Whoa!'

617
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,736
I am!

618
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:15,238
But how does that help us
for me to join you

619
00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:18,491
and turn this fuselage
into a haunted house?"

620
00:35:20,785 --> 00:35:22,638
You know what kills me,
what absolutely kills me,

621
00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:25,415
is some woman is gonna
fall in love with this guy,

622
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:28,251
marry him and make half...
whooo... whaaaa...

623
00:35:28,335 --> 00:35:30,295
fucking kids.

624
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:33,715
And you know what?
We become weaker as a species.

625
00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:36,426
We do.

626
00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:39,262
[cheers and applause]

627
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:41,890
Do you remember back in the day

628
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:44,184
when you watched
the Discovery Channel about animals?

629
00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:48,521
Now they build cars,
but it used to be about animals, right?

630
00:35:48,605 --> 00:35:50,690
Now it's all car stuff.

631
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:53,586
"Looking forward to getting
that carburetor today.

632
00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:55,111
The carburetor didn't fit."

633
00:35:55,195 --> 00:35:58,406
"What do you mean the carburetor
doesn't fit? Dad's gonna be mad."

634
00:35:58,490 --> 00:36:03,411
[yelling gibberish]

635
00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:07,374
There's never enough time to build
the car. It's so fucking stupid.

636
00:36:07,457 --> 00:36:10,710
"We got to have this bus
done by Thursday!"

637
00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:16,424
Or else what? The guy doesn't
want it anymore? All right.

638
00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:18,927
"You'll get the thing
when we finish it, okay?

639
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:22,347
This is a safety issue.
You want brakes on it?

640
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:24,724
Then go get yourself
some fucking lunch."

641
00:36:26,226 --> 00:36:29,229
So, before...

642
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,356
[laughter]

643
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:35,193
before there used
to just be animals,

644
00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:36,611
and this is what I noticed:

645
00:36:36,695 --> 00:36:39,823
Everything from a lion all the way
down to an insect, okay?

646
00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:43,159
If you had one drop of...
whoo... whaaa...

647
00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:45,954
bitchy blood in you, none of
the females would fuck you.

648
00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:49,833
That was it, your life was over.
Your life was over.

649
00:36:49,916 --> 00:36:55,338
No ant pussy for you your entire
miserable eight-day ant life,

650
00:36:55,422 --> 00:36:57,507
'cause all six of your legs shook
when the wind blew,

651
00:36:57,590 --> 00:36:59,175
and the female ant saw it.

652
00:36:59,259 --> 00:37:00,820
They're like, "All right,
stay away from that one.

653
00:37:00,844 --> 00:37:05,014
Stay away from that one.
He's gonna jeopardize the whole hill.

654
00:37:05,098 --> 00:37:06,766
And, Stacy, listen to me."

655
00:37:13,523 --> 00:37:17,068
Human beings have empathy.
Some woman will fall in love.

656
00:37:17,152 --> 00:37:18,695
"Well, he's nice.

657
00:37:18,778 --> 00:37:20,447
He wears a sweater.

658
00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:23,783
He likes to bake, you know?

659
00:37:24,868 --> 00:37:27,704
He lets me finish my stories."

660
00:37:28,955 --> 00:37:33,501
Which is all great qualities,
okay, but you got to know,

661
00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:37,547
when you shack up with a guy
like that, you're rolling the dice.

662
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:41,301
You're rolling the dice that
that fucking axe murderer

663
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:43,386
is gonna pick the next house over,

664
00:37:43,470 --> 00:37:46,556
'cause God forbid he picks
your goddamn house,

665
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:49,726
this is the dude who has your back,

666
00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:53,605
who's gonna be screaming louder
and higher than you

667
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,691
when this guy comes
through the fucking door.

668
00:37:56,775 --> 00:37:58,151
And you're gonna turn around.

669
00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:01,404
All you're gonna see is his cowardly feet
going out the kitchen window.

670
00:38:03,698 --> 00:38:05,742
I don't know, man, that's risky.

671
00:38:09,329 --> 00:38:12,332
You know, in reality, I'm being
too hard on that guy.

672
00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:16,586
Yeah, I am. I am, 'cause
I was just as scared as he was.

673
00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:21,508
Except I didn't scream out
like he did, and that's simple.

674
00:38:21,591 --> 00:38:25,845
The simple reason was this dude,
he was hugged too much as a child.

675
00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:28,049
Having people going,
"How was your day? What's wrong?"

676
00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:30,266
And all of that shit, you know?

677
00:38:30,350 --> 00:38:32,018
That's why I came down here.

678
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:36,439
I came out here to tell you guys,
you got to stop hugging your children.

679
00:38:36,523 --> 00:38:40,026
You are ruining this country.

680
00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:43,363
Now you can hug your daughters,
you got to do that, you got to do that.

681
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:46,366
Hug those hooker shoes
right out of them,

682
00:38:46,449 --> 00:38:50,286
let them know that you're a good man,
and to find another man like you.

683
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:51,579
You got to do that.

684
00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:54,624
But your son,
you can hug them a little bit,

685
00:38:54,707 --> 00:38:57,836
but every three, four, you got to
fucking knock 'em down, right?

686
00:38:57,919 --> 00:39:00,505
"Come on, it didn't hurt, get up!"

687
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:08,137
I didn't come from a family,
I don't know about you guys,

688
00:39:08,221 --> 00:39:10,515
I didn't come from a touchy-feely...

689
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:12,517
"Call me when you get there.
Mwah, mwah."

690
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:14,519
None of that shit.

691
00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:17,480
First time my mom hugged me,
I think, was like,

692
00:39:17,564 --> 00:39:21,317
once when I was little, and when
I moved out. That was it!

693
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:24,737
And we only hugged 'cause
we knew we were supposed to.

694
00:39:24,821 --> 00:39:27,657
So we just tried to, like,
it was like two parking meters

695
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:31,578
came to life, like,
we almost bumped heads.

696
00:39:31,661 --> 00:39:34,998
It was horrific.

697
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:36,332
Fucking horrific.

698
00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:39,669
To this day, sometimes I drive down
the street, and I think about that hug,

699
00:39:39,752 --> 00:39:44,340
and it's just so awful I have to like
shout the memory out of my head.

700
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:46,193
I'll just be driving
down the street, just be like...

701
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,886
Aaaaah!

702
00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:54,434
Anybody else like that?

703
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:57,103
You ever have to
shout stuff out of your head?

704
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:59,022
There's something about me, like,

705
00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:02,150
all my regret comes up
when I'm in the shower.

706
00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:03,651
I don't know what it is.

707
00:40:03,735 --> 00:40:06,696
I think 'cause I'm in the shower,
and I have time to think,

708
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:09,365
and I'll just think of shit
I did in third grade

709
00:40:09,449 --> 00:40:11,117
where I just made
an ass of myself,

710
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,636
and I'll just be
in the shower just being like...

711
00:40:12,660 --> 00:40:15,663
[screaming]

712
00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:19,792
And my wife's always just like,
"Is everything okay in there?"

713
00:40:19,876 --> 00:40:23,421
I'll just be like, "Yeah, yeah, just
accidentally turned on the hot water.

714
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:25,673
Turned it on too much."

715
00:40:25,757 --> 00:40:27,759
"Every day?"

716
00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,557
So...

717
00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:37,727
Yeah...

718
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:40,623
I actually asked my mother one time
when I finally got out in the world,

719
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:42,207
and I saw how
other families interacted,

720
00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:45,777
I finally asked her, "How come
we never did the hugging thing?

721
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,129
How come we didn't
do that stuff?"

722
00:40:47,153 --> 00:40:49,131
She was like, "I wanted to hug
you kids when you were little,

723
00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:51,532
but I was afraid
it was gonna make you gay."

724
00:40:55,495 --> 00:40:57,121
And I was like, "You were afraid?"

725
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,874
And she goes, "Well, it was your father.
That's what it was.

726
00:40:59,958 --> 00:41:02,502
Protecting him like I always do.
He was afraid.

727
00:41:02,585 --> 00:41:04,587
He said, you don't know
how to raise boys

728
00:41:04,671 --> 00:41:06,589
and if you hug them,
that's what's gonna happen.

729
00:41:06,673 --> 00:41:10,843
So in a marriage,
there's compromises."

730
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:14,722
Yeah, so she basically
never hugged us,

731
00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:18,226
'cause my dad said if she did,
it was gonna make us gay.

732
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:25,233
And I got to tell you, that was
a great thing that my dad did for me.

733
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:28,695
Let me finish before
you start blogging, okay?

734
00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:33,908
And I end up on a split screen
on Good Morning Atlanta.

735
00:41:33,992 --> 00:41:35,952
"Comedy, could it go too far?

736
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:38,830
Last night at the Tabernacle..."

737
00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:44,711
Sitting there next to some
fucking Cheeto-eating blogger.

738
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,258
So, yeah, this is the deal.

739
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,820
I'm gonna defend my dad here because
this is basically what happens

740
00:41:52,844 --> 00:41:53,928
when you have a kid.

741
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:55,722
As far as I know.
I don't have any kids.

742
00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:57,992
As far as I'd think, if you have
a kid, what do you want to do?

743
00:41:58,016 --> 00:42:00,018
You want to improve
on your childhood, okay?

744
00:42:00,101 --> 00:42:02,854
You want to keep the shit
that your parents did that worked,

745
00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:04,915
and then you want to get rid
of the stuff that didn't work.

746
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:07,734
So that was my dad, as fucked up
as that was, that was his improvement

747
00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:10,069
on his childhood
that he never talks about,

748
00:42:10,153 --> 00:42:13,031
the way a veteran
doesn't talk about going to war.

749
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:17,285
So I figure if that was his
improvement on his childhood,

750
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,289
his childhood just must
have been something like,

751
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:21,080
"Don't change his shitty diaper.

752
00:42:21,164 --> 00:42:22,832
Let him figure it out
for himself.

753
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:25,043
Get out in the rain,
you shitty baby!

754
00:42:25,126 --> 00:42:26,919
Hey, let me handle this, lady!

755
00:42:27,003 --> 00:42:31,049
Why are you still standing here,
you shit toddler?"

756
00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:34,969
So he took it from that...

757
00:42:36,596 --> 00:42:40,183
and knocked it down to, "Don't hug him,
it's gonna make him gay."

758
00:42:40,266 --> 00:42:41,851
Right?

759
00:42:42,852 --> 00:42:44,288
And then maybe someday
I ever have a kid,

760
00:42:44,312 --> 00:42:48,524
I'll whittle it down to like,
"He's not taking drama class, all right?

761
00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:51,861
He's not taking drama class
'cause I said so, lady!

762
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:53,279
Let me handle this!"

763
00:42:55,114 --> 00:42:56,908
I won't fix everything.

764
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:00,870
And that's not
a homophobic thing either,

765
00:43:00,953 --> 00:43:04,957
that I wouldn't send my hypothetical son
to drama class. Okay?

766
00:43:06,793 --> 00:43:08,795
It isn't.
I would send...

767
00:43:08,878 --> 00:43:13,424
I'd let my hypothetical daughter
take a drama class. Okay.

768
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:16,886
My son can't fucking do
any of that shit

769
00:43:16,969 --> 00:43:20,223
unless I'm sending him to one
of those Fame high schools

770
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:23,434
where everybody's doing it,
one of those creative schools.

771
00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:24,953
You go to the cafeteria,
everybody's like,

772
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:27,730
♪ Cottage cheese,
what is it made of? ♪

773
00:43:27,814 --> 00:43:30,274
Then he can do all he wants.

774
00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:33,236
Then he can do all the fuck he wants,
but there's no way

775
00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:37,824
I'm letting him do that at a public school
with those goddamn animals!

776
00:43:37,907 --> 00:43:39,951
He's gonna get
the shit kicked out of him!

777
00:43:40,034 --> 00:43:42,245
He's gonna come home
with his underwear up his ass,

778
00:43:42,328 --> 00:43:45,123
and then I have to be the adult
and go down to the principal

779
00:43:45,206 --> 00:43:47,887
and be like, "There's some sort of
tomfoolery going on around here!"

780
00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:49,127
I don't want to do that.

781
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:52,255
I want to find the fucking eight-year-old.
What is he, this tall?

782
00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:54,132
I want to find the kid
that did it to my kid,

783
00:43:54,215 --> 00:43:56,926
tip him upside down
into some sand or a puddle,

784
00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:59,428
anywhere where oxygen
is going to be an issue, right,

785
00:43:59,512 --> 00:44:01,764
and just leave him there.

786
00:44:01,848 --> 00:44:05,268
You wait for that one leg to start shaking
so you know he's down to his last breath,

787
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:08,312
and then you turn him upside-right,
and you grab him by his throat,

788
00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,939
you say something horrific.

789
00:44:10,022 --> 00:44:12,209
"You ever do that again, I'm gonna
beat your mother to death

790
00:44:12,233 --> 00:44:15,194
with the family dog." All right?

791
00:44:15,278 --> 00:44:17,780
[applause]

792
00:44:17,864 --> 00:44:19,073
Over.

793
00:44:23,202 --> 00:44:29,333
So yeah, a lot in my life has changed
since I last came through here to Atlanta.

794
00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,298
I got married.
That's the big thing.

795
00:44:35,381 --> 00:44:36,924
Yes, I did.

796
00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:39,969
Very happy about that.

797
00:44:40,052 --> 00:44:44,348
I'm very happy
because it was starting to get weird.

798
00:44:44,432 --> 00:44:46,058
It's like 45 years old.

799
00:44:46,142 --> 00:44:49,270
"My girlfriend, yeah, we're gonna
go out and get some pop."

800
00:44:51,272 --> 00:44:52,982
Going to parties, it was just weird.

801
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:55,067
'Cause I hang out with people my age,

802
00:44:55,151 --> 00:44:57,403
and they all got married,
they all had kids.

803
00:44:57,486 --> 00:45:00,323
I just couldn't contribute when people
were standing around

804
00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:03,868
talking about marriage...
marriages and kids.

805
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:05,846
I felt like a little kid,
just sitting there going like,

806
00:45:05,870 --> 00:45:07,830
"The superintendent
of the mayoral candidate

807
00:45:07,914 --> 00:45:10,249
will be bicoastal, bipartisan,

808
00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:12,543
with the Middle Eastern
crisis, it's just..."

809
00:45:12,627 --> 00:45:16,172
"It's an advanced learning program.
The deadline is May 11th.

810
00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:17,965
We have to stop the bullying..."

811
00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:20,968
"...with the superintendent
of the mayoral candidate."

812
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,847
When the conversation
would come around to me,

813
00:45:24,931 --> 00:45:26,432
I felt like I was eight years old.

814
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:31,854
I'd just be like,
"Did anybody see the YouTube video

815
00:45:31,938 --> 00:45:35,066
where the raccoon
stole the cat's food,

816
00:45:35,149 --> 00:45:38,235
and the cat was scratching him
and the raccoon didn't care?

817
00:45:38,319 --> 00:45:41,113
He just came in like this,
like George Foreman,

818
00:45:41,197 --> 00:45:43,032
and then he reached out,
he had hands.

819
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:45,385
All of a sudden, he had hands.
I didn't know they had hands.

820
00:45:45,409 --> 00:45:49,080
He scooped it up
and he ran away on paws.

821
00:45:50,331 --> 00:45:52,583
Did you guys know
they had hands?"

822
00:45:57,296 --> 00:46:00,424
So now I'm married, so the next move
is you're supposed to have a kid,

823
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:04,136
which I would love to do,
but I'm 46 years old.

824
00:46:04,220 --> 00:46:06,347
I'm just thinking
it's too fucking late, ya know.

825
00:46:07,807 --> 00:46:09,642
Come on, man,
I'm gonna have a kid,

826
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:13,354
I'm gonna die of natural
causes when the kid's in fifth grade.

827
00:46:13,437 --> 00:46:16,941
Throwing him a Frisbee.
"We used to use these on a Saturday."

828
00:46:17,024 --> 00:46:18,901
Do a face plant.

829
00:46:18,985 --> 00:46:22,363
My kid's standing there,
"Mom, Dad's sleeping again!"

830
00:46:25,157 --> 00:46:27,284
I feel hopelessly behind.

831
00:46:27,368 --> 00:46:28,786
All my friends have kids.

832
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,955
Most of my friends
who have kids are cool,

833
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:33,541
but I got a couple of those
who think now that they have a kid,

834
00:46:33,624 --> 00:46:35,793
that I don't understand
anything anymore.

835
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:38,462
You know those people?
The most basic shit.

836
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:39,898
"Hey, man, it's
kind of cold out today."

837
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,382
"Dude, you don't understand.

838
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,527
You don't understand cold
till you got a two-year-old

839
00:46:43,551 --> 00:46:45,472
with a mitten up his ass
and you're trying to get

840
00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:47,096
chocolate off
the other one's face."

841
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:49,616
"All right, all right, I get it,
you have a more complex life,

842
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:53,561
but I still understand
being cold, teeth chattering.

843
00:46:53,644 --> 00:46:55,521
Kind of lets me know. Right?"

844
00:46:57,565 --> 00:46:59,485
"Mine just turned six."
"Mine just turned seven."

845
00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:02,319
I just feel hopelessly behind.

846
00:47:02,403 --> 00:47:06,282
So what I'm actually thinking of doing,
I'm thinking about adopting.

847
00:47:06,365 --> 00:47:07,491
Yeah.

848
00:47:07,575 --> 00:47:10,244
Absolutely, recycle. You know?

849
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:14,165
Think globally, act locally.

850
00:47:14,248 --> 00:47:16,459
Everything doesn't
have to be brand-new.

851
00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:17,543
You know?

852
00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,129
It's like when you redo your kitchen.

853
00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:24,175
You got custom up top,
you got IKEA down the bottom, right?

854
00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:30,014
I'd love to adopt.
It's a great thing to do.

855
00:47:30,097 --> 00:47:32,850
But if I do it, I'm not telling
any of my friends.

856
00:47:32,933 --> 00:47:38,189
I'm just gonna show up with the kid
one day, just to piss 'em off.

857
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,125
"Mine just turned six."
"Mine just turned seven."

858
00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:42,943
I'd love to just show up
with an eight-year-old, like, "Dominoes!

859
00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:47,823
Yeah, now I get to tell you
what you don't understand.

860
00:47:47,907 --> 00:47:49,200
Seven-year-old?

861
00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:53,162
Wait till they turn eight,
eight is such a funny age.

862
00:47:53,245 --> 00:47:55,247
Terrible twos?
Try the instant eights!

863
00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:57,458
Bam! They're just there, like...!

864
00:47:57,541 --> 00:47:59,710
With all their issues...!"

865
00:48:01,504 --> 00:48:03,047
I should do it, though.
I should adopt.

866
00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:06,967
I think it's a great thing to do,
and I already know what I want to get.

867
00:48:08,636 --> 00:48:10,346
I do.

868
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:13,432
I want to get, like, an '07, '08...

869
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:19,188
always garaged, good dentition.

870
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,234
Do you know
what I would love to do?

871
00:48:23,317 --> 00:48:26,445
I'd love to rescue some kid
that works in a sweatshop.

872
00:48:26,529 --> 00:48:29,949
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Like, find the kid that made this shirt?

873
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:34,328
Just show up at the factory like, hey!

874
00:48:35,663 --> 00:48:38,415
"Come on, bring it in!
Bring it in, you little maniac!

875
00:48:38,499 --> 00:48:41,085
How you doing?
You're going back to the States.

876
00:48:41,168 --> 00:48:43,087
L-shaped couch, flat screen TV.

877
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:46,257
Get in the car, the rest
of you keep sewing, but you,

878
00:48:46,340 --> 00:48:48,342
you're coming home with me!"

879
00:48:50,261 --> 00:48:55,015
Yeah. Dude, how easy...
how easy would that kid be to raise?

880
00:48:56,433 --> 00:49:00,104
After the hell he's been through,
all I gotta do is let him sit down.

881
00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:04,900
I am immediately the greatest
human being this kid has ever met.

882
00:49:04,984 --> 00:49:06,443
Just bring him home. "Have a seat."

883
00:49:06,527 --> 00:49:08,529
He'll be like, "I get to sit down?"

884
00:49:08,612 --> 00:49:10,322
"Yeah, lay down on the couch."

885
00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:13,617
He'll be like, "It's like a cloud!
It's like a cloud!"

886
00:49:15,244 --> 00:49:18,998
I'll get him a bowl of Fritos,
put on cricket or soccer,

887
00:49:19,081 --> 00:49:20,499
one of those sweatshop sports.

888
00:49:20,583 --> 00:49:23,294
I don't know.
The kid would love me.

889
00:49:25,546 --> 00:49:28,549
So that's my first draft pick.
All right?

890
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:31,385
Coming out of the gate with that.

891
00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:38,100
In the second round, I'd probably
get like an '05 boy soldier, ya know.

892
00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:41,729
Yeah, shore up the offensive line.
You gotta protect the blindside.

893
00:49:44,231 --> 00:49:47,460
That's how fucked up the world is, there's
little boys out there fighting in wars.

894
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:50,321
So that's a twofer.
I can drag him out of that hell,

895
00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:52,573
give him something
of what's left of his childhood,

896
00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:57,494
and, God forbid,
if the dollar ever collapses, right?

897
00:49:57,578 --> 00:50:01,373
Shit goes south,
zombies take over, I got backup.

898
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:05,711
Everybody thinks
I'm gonna be the problem,

899
00:50:05,794 --> 00:50:09,465
meanwhile, I got this
sawed-off Chuck Norris...

900
00:50:10,591 --> 00:50:13,302
standing next to me, 170 kills,

901
00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:16,013
confirmed fucking kills.

902
00:50:16,096 --> 00:50:17,890
They're not stories!

903
00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:22,102
Can make a flamethrower out of
a vacuum cleaner and a toaster.

904
00:50:24,605 --> 00:50:26,565
You can't coach that, right?

905
00:50:28,651 --> 00:50:32,529
I got to be honest with you, I feel like
I'd have to go easier on the discipline

906
00:50:32,613 --> 00:50:34,448
with the boy solider.

907
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:38,535
I might be nuts, but I feel like
I could come down

908
00:50:38,619 --> 00:50:41,789
on the sweatshop kid, right?

909
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,163
"I said get in there
and clean up your goddamn room.

910
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,585
I'm getting sick of this shit!

911
00:50:46,669 --> 00:50:49,588
Goes for you too
if you want. But you!

912
00:50:49,672 --> 00:50:53,634
You've been out of line all day, mister!
Don't even start that shit!

913
00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:55,094
Don't even start that shit.

914
00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:57,471
You say that every time.
Yes, you do.

915
00:50:58,681 --> 00:51:01,684
Every fucking time you say that.
You know the answer.

916
00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:04,228
You want me to say it again?
I'll break it down to you.

917
00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:06,814
You know why it is?
You want to know why?

918
00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:11,735
'Cause you sew.
All right? Yeah. You sew.

919
00:51:11,819 --> 00:51:16,240
Dude, he's fucking killed people.
Do you understand that?

920
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:19,535
No, he doesn't, he doesn't have
to make his bed too. No, he doesn't.

921
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,287
Because he doesn't
sleep in the bed,

922
00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:23,455
he's out in the bushes all night,
talking to himself,

923
00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:26,208
freaking me
the fuck out, all right?

924
00:51:26,292 --> 00:51:29,086
Oh, fuck you, fuck you!
He scares me too, he scares me too.

925
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:30,462
Don't even start that shit.

926
00:51:30,546 --> 00:51:32,464
You wanted a big brother,
and I got you one.

927
00:51:32,548 --> 00:51:34,883
Don't even start that shit, all right?

928
00:51:37,386 --> 00:51:41,098
All right, you're right.
Stop crying, stop crying.

929
00:51:41,181 --> 00:51:43,475
Shouldn't have yelled at you.

930
00:51:43,559 --> 00:51:46,103
I just thought I could
fucking bring him in,

931
00:51:46,186 --> 00:51:49,815
give him a couple of Pop Tarts,
I figured he'd chill out.

932
00:51:49,898 --> 00:51:51,668
Fucking sitting there
looking through his eyebrows,

933
00:51:51,692 --> 00:51:53,736
doing that Full Metal Jacket shit.

934
00:51:55,362 --> 00:51:57,823
No, you can't give him back,
it doesn't work that way.

935
00:51:57,906 --> 00:52:00,576
There he is, there he is!
What's up, buddy?

936
00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:02,703
What's going on?

937
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:07,207
We were just talking about you,
just doing, like, a little surprise thing.

938
00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:08,852
You feeling all right?
You feeling all right?

939
00:52:08,876 --> 00:52:11,879
You're not looking through those
eyebrows, huh? Everything okay?"

940
00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:16,592
So I figure, uh...

941
00:52:17,843 --> 00:52:20,262
I don't know if I'll do it.
Maybe I'm too selfish.

942
00:52:21,764 --> 00:52:24,099
I have no idea. I'm all over
the fuckin' map.

943
00:52:24,183 --> 00:52:25,702
Do you know
what I want to do right now?

944
00:52:25,726 --> 00:52:27,847
I actually want to learn
how to fly a helicopter, man.

945
00:52:28,812 --> 00:52:31,690
I do, that's my latest thing.
You know why it is?

946
00:52:31,774 --> 00:52:34,443
It's 'cause I live in Los Angeles.

947
00:52:34,526 --> 00:52:36,487
Yeah, and it's
an absolute clusterfuck.

948
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:39,573
When you go into land in that city,
just look out the window,

949
00:52:39,656 --> 00:52:42,409
and just look at the complete
lack of planning.

950
00:52:42,493 --> 00:52:43,595
There's not even zoning laws.

951
00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:48,165
They'll build, like, a skyscraper
next to a house, next to a gun range,

952
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:50,501
and then there's, like,
a fucking daycare center.

953
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:51,794
Right?

954
00:52:54,505 --> 00:52:57,758
The city doesn't even work
even when everything else works,

955
00:52:57,841 --> 00:53:02,679
so God forbid, the dollar collapses
or some crazy shit happens,

956
00:53:02,763 --> 00:53:04,556
where you gonna go
in a city like that?

957
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:07,184
See, you guys are
all right out here in Atlanta.

958
00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:09,853
You're all right. I don't know,
maybe in Atlanta might be crazy.

959
00:53:09,937 --> 00:53:12,272
You're on the outskirts,
you're fine. You're fine.

960
00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:13,524
You don't live in a desert.

961
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:17,194
You slam your face
in a birdbath, you're cool.

962
00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:19,571
Drink that water
for a good 30 days.

963
00:53:20,781 --> 00:53:22,866
L.A., there's nowhere to go.

964
00:53:22,950 --> 00:53:24,993
That's why I love the helicopter.

965
00:53:25,077 --> 00:53:30,582
Dude, the helicopter is
the ultimate "fuck this, I'm out" vehicle.

966
00:53:30,666 --> 00:53:33,752
All you gotta do
is assess the situation.

967
00:53:33,836 --> 00:53:36,839
Zombie coming up the street?
"Fuck this!

968
00:53:38,966 --> 00:53:42,553
This looks safe."
You just land it.

969
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,638
You could sit there hovering.

970
00:53:44,721 --> 00:53:47,766
Just sit there in a hover
watching everybody getting killed,

971
00:53:47,850 --> 00:53:51,061
sitting up there eating cheese
and crackers with the red stick.

972
00:53:54,690 --> 00:53:56,817
Yeah, so I told my wife
I want to fly a helicopter.

973
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:58,694
She's just like, "Yeah, no."

974
00:54:01,530 --> 00:54:05,284
Which I know that came from a place
of love, but it still kind of annoyed me.

975
00:54:05,367 --> 00:54:08,412
Just that she said that shit,
then I was just gonna be like,

976
00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:12,583
"Oh, all right. Thought I was
gonna get to do that,

977
00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:17,629
but you said no, so...
there goes that.

978
00:54:18,630 --> 00:54:22,426
Hey, what other dreams
aren't I gonna get to achieve?

979
00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:25,471
Like, do you already know
or are you waiting for me to ask?"

980
00:54:28,015 --> 00:54:32,352
Yeah, I'm still gonna do it,
I'm just not gonna tell her.

981
00:54:32,436 --> 00:54:36,356
I'm just gonna go out and do it,
pass the goddamn class,

982
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,376
and when I get my license,
I'm not going to tell her.

983
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:41,320
I'm just gonna go out and buy
a white silk scarf,

984
00:54:41,403 --> 00:54:44,573
and hang it by a nail
in the living room.

985
00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:48,494
She's just gonna be like, "What is that?
What is that for? What does that mean?"

986
00:54:48,577 --> 00:54:51,330
"Yeah, someday you'll see,
someday you'll see.

987
00:54:51,413 --> 00:54:54,875
When the shit hits the fan,
and you're freaking the fuck out,

988
00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:58,754
and I'm taking branches off
some unforeseen helicopter."

989
00:54:58,837 --> 00:55:01,089
"What is that?"
"Shut the fuck up and get in!"

990
00:55:06,970 --> 00:55:09,890
Now you guys think
I'm bullshitting, I'm not.

991
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:12,684
I'm serious. I'm 100% in on this.

992
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:14,996
And ever since I got into it,
I'm seeing helicopters everywhere.

993
00:55:15,020 --> 00:55:16,789
I never realized how many
helicopters there were.

994
00:55:16,813 --> 00:55:19,608
Driving down the street like
Henry Hill looking up at them...

995
00:55:21,401 --> 00:55:22,736
doing key bumps and shit.

996
00:55:22,819 --> 00:55:24,905
"They're after me! Swear to God!"

997
00:55:25,906 --> 00:55:27,866
I'm seeing stories about them!

998
00:55:29,034 --> 00:55:32,496
It's just like that
old advertising anecdote.

999
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:34,706
"I never realized
how many mattress

1000
00:55:34,790 --> 00:55:37,459
commercials there were out there
until I needed a mattress,

1001
00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:38,978
and then all of a sudden,
they're all over the place.

1002
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:41,713
And then I bought a mattress
and then it all went away."

1003
00:55:41,797 --> 00:55:43,090
It's the same shit.

1004
00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:49,137
I saw this story
down in Orange County. Right?

1005
00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:50,681
Down in Orange County, California.

1006
00:55:50,764 --> 00:55:53,475
This guy gave
helicopter tours for 30 years...

1007
00:55:53,559 --> 00:55:55,519
30 years without incident.

1008
00:55:55,602 --> 00:55:58,605
Hands the business off to his son,
the American dream.

1009
00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:01,525
"I built it up for 30 years.
Here you go, son.

1010
00:56:01,608 --> 00:56:03,735
Make the family
and the family name proud."

1011
00:56:03,819 --> 00:56:06,363
"All right, Dad, I love you."
All right?

1012
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:08,657
This poor kid, five days in,

1013
00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:12,077
he's supposed to give a tour to a couple,
only the dude shows up.

1014
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:14,180
The kid thought it was weird,
but he's like, "I need the money.

1015
00:56:14,204 --> 00:56:16,582
I gotta give him a tour." Right?
So he takes this guy up.

1016
00:56:16,665 --> 00:56:20,711
Ten minutes into the tour,
the dude fucking jumped out.

1017
00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:23,964
Yeah, five days in.

1018
00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:27,718
Five days in from the balloons
and the cake.

1019
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:32,431
"We love you, son.
Keep the family tree going.

1020
00:56:32,514 --> 00:56:34,433
The traditional line."

1021
00:56:34,516 --> 00:56:37,853
Five fucking days later, this kid,
he probably barely had the speech down.

1022
00:56:37,936 --> 00:56:39,688
Just sitting there,
flying the helicopter.

1023
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:43,400
"All right, if you look out the left side
of the aircraft, that's Orange County.

1024
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:45,736
There's over
27 miles of beaches there.

1025
00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:48,989
Put your seatbelt back on,
27 miles of beaches.

1026
00:56:50,115 --> 00:56:52,409
Was established
as a county in 1903.

1027
00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:55,221
Sir, please don't open the door.
Sir, what are you doing? Sir, no, no.

1028
00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:59,583
Don't, don't, stop, no, no!

1029
00:56:59,666 --> 00:57:02,586
What the fuck?
What the fuck?

1030
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:06,089
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1031
00:57:06,173 --> 00:57:10,177
What the fuck, what the fuck?!

1032
00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:13,597
Fuck!"

1033
00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:16,868
Air traffic control: "I don't know who's
on this frequency, but you really need..."

1034
00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:19,102
"Somebody just jumped out
of the fucking helicopter!"

1035
00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:22,230
Five days in.

1036
00:57:23,231 --> 00:57:24,858
So I read further into the story.

1037
00:57:24,942 --> 00:57:28,070
Turns out the guy who jumped out,
he was 61 years old,

1038
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:31,448
terminally ill,
he was in pain every day.

1039
00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:33,968
They couldn't figure out what was
wrong with him, and he had had enough.

1040
00:57:33,992 --> 00:57:37,788
At that point, that guy immediately
became a hero in my world.

1041
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:40,624
Know what I love about him,
not only did he make the decision,

1042
00:57:40,707 --> 00:57:43,627
he didn't go out like
some pussy, right?

1043
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:47,881
Handful of pills,
watching a romantic comedy,

1044
00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:50,175
wrapped in an afghan
that Nana made.

1045
00:57:50,258 --> 00:57:53,011
Fuck that.
Guy went out like a man.

1046
00:57:53,095 --> 00:57:56,556
"Take me up in a chopper,
I'm looking at the land I love,

1047
00:57:56,640 --> 00:57:58,642
and then I'm jumping out
like a superhero."

1048
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:01,019
I loved it. Yeah.

1049
00:58:01,103 --> 00:58:04,022
[applause]

1050
00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:06,858
This guy should have been
wearing a fucking cape.

1051
00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:12,948
I can't imagine how elated he must
have been on that helicopter ride up

1052
00:58:13,031 --> 00:58:15,158
after finally just taking
back control of his life,

1053
00:58:15,242 --> 00:58:17,869
like, "Fuck you, disease. I decide."

1054
00:58:17,953 --> 00:58:21,206
Ripping tubes out,
gets a burger, shotguns a beer.

1055
00:58:21,289 --> 00:58:22,958
"Take me up in the chopper."

1056
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:26,003
He probably had his
fucking foot on the dashboard.

1057
00:58:26,086 --> 00:58:29,673
He's not even listening
to this guy giving the tour. Right?

1058
00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:33,677
"Over 27 miles of beaches,
put your seatbelt back on.

1059
00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:35,721
Established as a county in 1903.

1060
00:58:35,804 --> 00:58:41,601
Sir, please don't try to open the door.
No, no, don't, don't, don't!"

1061
00:58:41,685 --> 00:58:42,728
[screams]

1062
00:58:42,811 --> 00:58:44,479
[imitates wind whipping]

1063
00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:48,734
Incredible!

1064
00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:52,779
But here's the thing.

1065
00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:54,990
I left out one small thing.

1066
00:58:55,073 --> 00:58:56,533
There is one small thing.

1067
00:58:56,616 --> 00:58:58,118
The guy fucking lived.

1068
00:58:59,161 --> 00:59:00,787
Yeah.

1069
00:59:00,871 --> 00:59:04,041
Yeah, they were out
over the ocean, 500 feet up.

1070
00:59:04,124 --> 00:59:07,210
You'd think that would be enough so,
I'm thinking he must have gone in

1071
00:59:07,294 --> 00:59:10,672
like Greg Louganis,
like, no splash, just...

1072
00:59:11,965 --> 00:59:15,552
But witnesses said it looked like
a dummy was falling out of the air.

1073
00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:18,096
So that sounds
like a hell of an impact.

1074
00:59:18,180 --> 00:59:21,725
I think he accidentally did
the most epic 500-foot belly flop

1075
00:59:21,808 --> 00:59:24,895
in the history
of jumping out of a helicopter.

1076
00:59:24,978 --> 00:59:28,899
But that didn't change
what he was trying to do.

1077
00:59:28,982 --> 00:59:32,652
Where his heart was, I still
love this guy. I just feel bad for him.

1078
00:59:32,736 --> 00:59:35,906
On the way down, he's got to be thinking,
"Three more seconds of pain!

1079
00:59:35,989 --> 00:59:37,908
Two more seconds!"

1080
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:39,284
Wham!

1081
00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:42,788
[agonized scream]

1082
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:51,755
"Oh, my God, this is worse!

1083
00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:53,381
This is way worse!"

1084
00:59:56,551 --> 01:00:01,056
It has a happy ending, though.
He later died at the hospital.

1085
01:00:01,139 --> 01:00:02,599
That's right.

1086
01:00:02,682 --> 01:00:04,768
So here's to him. God bless him.

1087
01:00:04,851 --> 01:00:06,645
I hope I have the balls someday.

1088
01:00:14,861 --> 01:00:18,156
So where do you go from there?

1089
01:00:18,240 --> 01:00:22,119
Well, as I mentioned,
last time I came through town,

1090
01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,079
I wanted to get a gun.

1091
01:00:24,162 --> 01:00:28,041
You know? I do. Yeah.

1092
01:00:28,125 --> 01:00:30,353
But I've finally given up on that.
I gave up on that dream.

1093
01:00:30,377 --> 01:00:32,796
My wife doesn't
want me to get one, so.

1094
01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:35,799
Yeah, she didn't want... Dude,
you got to pick your fucking battles.

1095
01:00:35,882 --> 01:00:38,218
I'm gonna learn how to fly
a helicopter on the sly,

1096
01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:41,638
I can't fucking have some
.357 hanging around.

1097
01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:45,976
"I'll do whatever I want. All right?
What I say goes! Eat it!"

1098
01:00:46,059 --> 01:00:51,148
Can't be that person.
Now it fucking bums me out,

1099
01:00:51,231 --> 01:00:55,986
'cause all I wanted to do was
just get a .22, that's all I wanted.

1100
01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:59,156
Perfect gun for home protection,
.22 caliber.

1101
01:00:59,239 --> 01:01:01,741
You're laughing at that, sir?
That's not enough?

1102
01:01:01,825 --> 01:01:03,160
I don't know.

1103
01:01:03,243 --> 01:01:05,662
I'm down South.
What do you think?

1104
01:01:05,745 --> 01:01:07,330
That's not enough, right?

1105
01:01:07,414 --> 01:01:09,332
You want...

1106
01:01:09,416 --> 01:01:12,085
Shotgun, right? .44?

1107
01:01:13,086 --> 01:01:15,338
You guys are out of your minds.

1108
01:01:15,422 --> 01:01:17,257
You're out of your fucking minds.

1109
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:23,513
Let me ask all you gun guys,
who are gonna make fun if I had a .22.

1110
01:01:23,597 --> 01:01:25,849
"What's with your .22?
That little queer gun.

1111
01:01:25,932 --> 01:01:28,810
Do you keep it between your buttocks?
Is that the holster?

1112
01:01:28,894 --> 01:01:31,438
Is that what you do
with your gay little gun?

1113
01:01:33,023 --> 01:01:34,316
You need a big gun."

1114
01:01:36,109 --> 01:01:37,235
All you fucking guys.

1115
01:01:37,319 --> 01:01:40,238
Let me ask you this,
all you guys with your guns...

1116
01:01:40,322 --> 01:01:42,866
have you ever shot the fucking thing
without earplugs?

1117
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:44,034
Have you ever done that?

1118
01:01:44,117 --> 01:01:46,828
Or you're like most people,
you take it down to the gun range,

1119
01:01:46,912 --> 01:01:50,123
you put your earplugs in,
put your headset on,

1120
01:01:50,207 --> 01:01:52,209
take it out of the briefcase.

1121
01:01:55,128 --> 01:01:59,174
You got your little yellow
tinted fucking glasses, right?

1122
01:02:00,300 --> 01:02:04,221
You look at your spread or whatever,
and then you put it back in there, right?

1123
01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,225
You ever shot that thing
without fucking earplugs?

1124
01:02:08,308 --> 01:02:11,144
'Cause that's what's gonna happen
when that intruder comes in.

1125
01:02:11,228 --> 01:02:14,731
You're not gonna have time to be,
"Hang on a second, let me just..."

1126
01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:20,195
Yeah, you're not gonna have time.

1127
01:02:20,278 --> 01:02:24,908
Dude, I shot a five-shot .38
one time without earplugs.

1128
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:28,078
I was landscaping this guy's yard.
He comes out at the end of the job.

1129
01:02:28,161 --> 01:02:31,039
"Hey, I got this five-shot .38.
You want to go down the street?

1130
01:02:31,122 --> 01:02:34,751
There's a burned-out car.
We can take a couple of shots."

1131
01:02:34,834 --> 01:02:36,253
You know what's funny?

1132
01:02:36,336 --> 01:02:38,129
Every other state
is fuckin' dying laughing

1133
01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:42,300
at this point in the joke
because it's so goddamn ridiculous,

1134
01:02:42,384 --> 01:02:44,261
until I get down to the South.

1135
01:02:44,344 --> 01:02:48,765
And you guys just sit here
staring at me like,

1136
01:02:48,848 --> 01:02:50,934
"All right, so what happened?

1137
01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:56,982
Pretty standard, I thought this
was gonna be a comedy show.

1138
01:02:57,065 --> 01:03:00,360
You're reading from your journal?
I don't understand what the...

1139
01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:05,323
It's not a real compelling story."

1140
01:03:05,407 --> 01:03:09,160
I'm mowing a fucking lawn,
and a stranger comes out with a weapon

1141
01:03:09,244 --> 01:03:13,248
and says, "Let's shoot it
at a burned-out car!" Okay?

1142
01:03:14,291 --> 01:03:16,501
Jesus Christ, can we agree on that?

1143
01:03:17,961 --> 01:03:20,522
So I'm like, all right, let's do it,
fuck it. So I go down there.

1144
01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:23,300
Never shot a gun before.

1145
01:03:23,383 --> 01:03:26,803
I bring the gun up, point it at the car,
I pull the trigger.

1146
01:03:26,886 --> 01:03:31,141
I saw the muzzle flash, I felt a kick,
I never heard the gun.

1147
01:03:31,224 --> 01:03:32,535
I pulled the trigger,
all I just heard was...

1148
01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:35,937
[high-pitched tone]

1149
01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:42,402
I shot the gun four more times.
Never heard it.

1150
01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:46,031
Didn't get louder, didn't get quieter.
Just kept seeing flashes.

1151
01:03:46,114 --> 01:03:49,826
[high-pitched tone]

1152
01:03:52,912 --> 01:03:53,997
All right?

1153
01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:58,209
So let's take
one of your fucking guns.

1154
01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:03,006
Let's just say,
for the sake of argument.

1155
01:04:03,089 --> 01:04:07,844
All right, you got that thing sitting
on a nightstand, loaded. Right?

1156
01:04:07,927 --> 01:04:09,846
For God's sakes,
tell me you have it there.

1157
01:04:09,929 --> 01:04:12,408
Don't be one of these people that has
the gun here and the bullets there.

1158
01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:15,352
You got the thing fucking loaded,
ready to go.

1159
01:04:15,435 --> 01:04:17,354
3:00, 4:00 in the morning,

1160
01:04:17,437 --> 01:04:19,981
this is when the psycho's
coming in too, right?

1161
01:04:20,065 --> 01:04:23,443
That's when they come in,
3:00, 4:00 in the morning.

1162
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:27,197
They don't come by at 6:30 at night,
as you're cutting into a pork chop.

1163
01:04:29,074 --> 01:04:31,052
"I'm out of my mind,
I'm coming back in 20 minutes,

1164
01:04:31,076 --> 01:04:33,495
so stretch out your hammies
'cause it's gonna get crazy."

1165
01:04:34,621 --> 01:04:36,873
That's not how it works.

1166
01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:39,626
They wait till you're dead asleep,
3:00, 4:00 in the morning,

1167
01:04:39,709 --> 01:04:42,045
right before REM sleep is kicking in.

1168
01:04:44,047 --> 01:04:45,399
So let's just say
for the sake of argument,

1169
01:04:45,423 --> 01:04:47,318
all you gun guys,
you got your thing loaded, right?

1170
01:04:47,342 --> 01:04:50,220
Your piece, right?
Right there, loaded for bear.

1171
01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:53,431
You're lying there,
same scenario, right?

1172
01:04:53,515 --> 01:04:56,142
One leg under the covers,
one without. Shirt.

1173
01:04:57,352 --> 01:04:59,062
4:00 in the morning, you're just...

1174
01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:01,815
[snoring]

1175
01:05:11,491 --> 01:05:15,328
Meanwhile, some psycho, sneaking in
through the living room window, right?

1176
01:05:19,124 --> 01:05:20,625
He brings in a fucking sickle.

1177
01:05:26,297 --> 01:05:27,465
And he's just listening.

1178
01:05:30,343 --> 01:05:32,446
Listens all the way down
that hall and he just hears...

1179
01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:34,764
[snoring]

1180
01:05:40,603 --> 01:05:43,189
He's trying not to squeak
on the floorboards.

1181
01:05:45,525 --> 01:05:47,652
And you're just fucking lying there.

1182
01:05:50,363 --> 01:05:53,199
[snoring]

1183
01:05:57,704 --> 01:06:00,099
All of a sudden, that little dog
on the floor is just like...

1184
01:06:00,123 --> 01:06:03,042
[low growling]

1185
01:06:04,878 --> 01:06:08,339
[growling and snoring continue]

1186
01:06:10,008 --> 01:06:13,678
"What's the matter? What's the matter?
What's the matter?

1187
01:06:13,761 --> 01:06:15,138
What's the matter, boy?

1188
01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:19,434
You hear something?
What's the matter?

1189
01:06:21,561 --> 01:06:22,729
What are you barking for?

1190
01:06:24,731 --> 01:06:26,816
You're shaking.
What's the matter, huh?

1191
01:06:30,278 --> 01:06:31,946
You hear something? What's...?

1192
01:06:45,293 --> 01:06:48,129
Come on, man, quit fucking around.
I got to go to work tomorrow."

1193
01:06:48,213 --> 01:06:49,464
[snoring]

1194
01:06:49,547 --> 01:06:52,050
All of a sudden, boom!
That door flies open.

1195
01:06:52,133 --> 01:06:55,553
You just see this shadowy figure.
You pick up that gun. Blam!

1196
01:06:55,637 --> 01:06:56,971
[high-pitched tone]

1197
01:06:57,055 --> 01:06:59,015
And you fucking miss!

1198
01:06:59,098 --> 01:07:01,643
You miss! You can't see,
now you can't hear.

1199
01:07:01,726 --> 01:07:03,228
That's two out of five senses!

1200
01:07:03,311 --> 01:07:06,022
What, are you gonna taste him
as he comes around the bed?

1201
01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:08,566
You're still gonna be
shooting over here.

1202
01:07:08,650 --> 01:07:12,237
Meanwhile, you see this strobe light
psycho coming around the fucking bed.

1203
01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,198
Takes off your head.

1204
01:07:15,281 --> 01:07:18,535
If you had the .22,
you could still hear.

1205
01:07:18,618 --> 01:07:21,621
Your ears would be ringing, but you
could hear that fucker coming across,

1206
01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:25,750
and you could shoot at him,
and he would leave. He would leave.

1207
01:07:25,833 --> 01:07:28,711
You guys just won't
get off the fact that it's a fuckin' .22.

1208
01:07:28,795 --> 01:07:32,048
You're, like, psychotic with this shit.
All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1209
01:07:32,131 --> 01:07:35,677
Let me... I will extend an olive branch
to you people, okay?

1210
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:36,928
I get it.

1211
01:07:37,971 --> 01:07:42,141
I get it that a .22
is basically a 'roided-up BB gun.

1212
01:07:42,225 --> 01:07:44,143
I got it, okay?

1213
01:07:44,227 --> 01:07:47,355
I understand that if you actually
want to kill somebody,

1214
01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:50,066
you have to basically have
the gun up to somebody's head

1215
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:52,735
and be throwing a jab
as you pull the trigger.

1216
01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:56,447
I understand that. Okay?

1217
01:07:56,531 --> 01:08:02,370
But I maintain, I don't care who the fuck
the toughest person is in this house.

1218
01:08:02,453 --> 01:08:04,205
I could defend my house
with a BB gun.

1219
01:08:04,289 --> 01:08:05,599
I don't give a fuck
how tough you are.

1220
01:08:05,623 --> 01:08:06,874
I don't care.

1221
01:08:06,958 --> 01:08:08,769
If I started shooting at you
with a BB gun, at the very least,

1222
01:08:08,793 --> 01:08:12,213
you have to go back outside
and regroup. That's a fact.

1223
01:08:12,297 --> 01:08:13,673
That is a fact.

1224
01:08:13,756 --> 01:08:17,719
If I caught you in your elbow,
that might be the end of your night.

1225
01:08:21,723 --> 01:08:24,434
"Look, I'm coming back,
I'm coming back!"

1226
01:08:28,479 --> 01:08:30,565
I've been trying to get
along with my wife better.

1227
01:08:30,648 --> 01:08:35,278
I'm trying to dial down the douchebaggery
in my relationship.

1228
01:08:35,361 --> 01:08:38,448
I'm not turning out
the pilot light, though. All right?

1229
01:08:38,531 --> 01:08:40,199
I'm keeping some fight in me.

1230
01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:44,245
I'm not gonna be that henpecked guy
just standing there like,

1231
01:08:44,329 --> 01:08:46,497
"I guess we're making holiday cookies."

1232
01:08:50,293 --> 01:08:52,712
That dude
with the bowed shoulders.

1233
01:08:55,923 --> 01:08:59,594
"She makes them and then I'm supposed
to sprinkle the sugar on them.

1234
01:09:03,389 --> 01:09:06,267
I don't even think
they taste that good, but just..."

1235
01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:12,273
No, I stand my ground sometimes.
Sometimes I let it go.

1236
01:09:12,357 --> 01:09:14,233
You just got to figure it out.

1237
01:09:14,317 --> 01:09:16,837
We had a fight the other night,
she got so mad at me, she was like,

1238
01:09:16,861 --> 01:09:20,281
"You can just sleep downstairs.
You can just sleep downstairs."

1239
01:09:20,365 --> 01:09:21,824
I couldn't believe it.

1240
01:09:21,908 --> 01:09:24,535
It's one of the most arrogant things
I've ever heard in my life.

1241
01:09:24,619 --> 01:09:28,039
One adult telling another adult
where they can sleep.

1242
01:09:28,122 --> 01:09:29,391
"You can just sleep downstairs."

1243
01:09:29,415 --> 01:09:32,460
Like I was just gonna sit up in bed,
grab a blanket like Linus.

1244
01:09:32,543 --> 01:09:37,548
"All right. Hey,
where downstairs, by the way?

1245
01:09:37,632 --> 01:09:41,344
Like, over here downstairs,
or like more over here?

1246
01:09:41,427 --> 01:09:43,471
Where should I sleep?"

1247
01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:49,268
It's like, are you out of your mind?
I go, "I'm not sleeping downstairs."

1248
01:09:49,352 --> 01:09:50,621
She's like,
"Where you gonna sleep, then?"

1249
01:09:50,645 --> 01:09:52,522
I'm like, "Where I always sleep.

1250
01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:55,858
I will fucking sleep on your
side of the bed if I want to!

1251
01:09:55,942 --> 01:09:58,027
What are you gonna do?
I'm bigger than you.

1252
01:09:58,111 --> 01:10:00,571
I'll hang onto the covers,
try to get me out.

1253
01:10:00,655 --> 01:10:02,198
No tickling. Go ahead!"

1254
01:10:04,701 --> 01:10:05,868
Yeah, I was like,

1255
01:10:05,952 --> 01:10:08,955
"You don't tell me where to sleep.
I sleep where I want to sleep."

1256
01:10:09,038 --> 01:10:10,641
She's like, "Well, you don't
tell me where to sleep."

1257
01:10:10,665 --> 01:10:12,945
I'm like, "I'm not the one
telling people where to sleep!"

1258
01:10:14,544 --> 01:10:16,921
It was one of those
classic relationship fights.

1259
01:10:17,004 --> 01:10:19,632
It's like 2:00 in the morning,
you're both half naked.

1260
01:10:19,716 --> 01:10:22,301
She's not wearing a bra,
you got half a ball hanging out.

1261
01:10:22,385 --> 01:10:25,304
"And another thing!
No, no, I need to say this!

1262
01:10:25,388 --> 01:10:27,390
The other day, I felt slighted!"

1263
01:10:32,562 --> 01:10:36,315
It's fuckin' unreal, but what kills me
is that there's actually guys out there

1264
01:10:36,399 --> 01:10:38,401
that will actually listen to that shit.

1265
01:10:39,527 --> 01:10:41,755
Yeah, you talk to them, they'll be,
"Hey, how's it been going?"

1266
01:10:41,779 --> 01:10:45,283
"It's been rough last of couple nights
downstairs on the couch.

1267
01:10:45,366 --> 01:10:47,410
You know how that is, right?"

1268
01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:49,495
No, I don't.

1269
01:10:50,705 --> 01:10:52,373
I don't understand.

1270
01:10:54,250 --> 01:10:57,420
How did you get yourself
into that situation?

1271
01:10:59,589 --> 01:11:01,632
Like, what are you afraid of?

1272
01:11:01,716 --> 01:11:04,135
What is she gonna do if you say no?

1273
01:11:04,218 --> 01:11:07,180
What, is she gonna fucking chokeslam
you onto the kitchen table?

1274
01:11:09,557 --> 01:11:13,394
I understand if you're dating some woman
and she does that UFC MMA shit,

1275
01:11:13,478 --> 01:11:16,355
then you got to sleep where
she says to sleep, you got to.

1276
01:11:16,439 --> 01:11:18,709
She's gonna come at you.
"Well, let's get you in an arm bar."

1277
01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,735
"All right, all right, all right!"
Tapping out.

1278
01:11:20,818 --> 01:11:22,779
Or even worse,
she chokes you out.

1279
01:11:22,862 --> 01:11:25,490
You wake up on the couch,
like, 11 minutes later.

1280
01:11:28,493 --> 01:11:30,912
Just grab your jacket off
the back of the couch.

1281
01:11:30,995 --> 01:11:35,833
"I fucking hate when she does this.
It's like, it's not even fair.

1282
01:11:35,917 --> 01:11:38,377
Have a debate
like a normal person."

1283
01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:42,256
All right? I'm gonna talk somebody
down from a ledge here,

1284
01:11:42,340 --> 01:11:44,443
someone who's actually been
sleeping on the couch, okay?

1285
01:11:44,467 --> 01:11:46,636
So there's the first fear,
out the window.

1286
01:11:46,719 --> 01:11:49,388
Okay, she can't physically
dominate you, so that's gone.

1287
01:11:49,472 --> 01:11:52,517
What's the next fear?
She's gonna cut off the sex.

1288
01:11:52,600 --> 01:11:55,311
Yeah, rub one out.
Neutralized.

1289
01:11:56,771 --> 01:12:00,399
It's the most empty threat there is.
Do it right in front of her.

1290
01:12:00,483 --> 01:12:02,193
"Join me!"

1291
01:12:03,778 --> 01:12:05,655
Yeah.

1292
01:12:05,738 --> 01:12:07,949
I've never understood that threat.

1293
01:12:08,032 --> 01:12:10,827
That's like somebody putting
a chain around your refrigerator,

1294
01:12:10,910 --> 01:12:14,121
but you got a sandwich
in your pocket,

1295
01:12:14,205 --> 01:12:17,750
a never-ending sandwich,
like some biblical shit,

1296
01:12:17,834 --> 01:12:20,628
like Jesus with
the fucking bread or whatever.

1297
01:12:23,005 --> 01:12:25,633
So now what's the last thing
she can do?

1298
01:12:25,716 --> 01:12:29,387
What can she do now?
Be moody?

1299
01:12:29,470 --> 01:12:30,680
You can't handle that?

1300
01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:33,474
Walk by your TV
without looking at you.

1301
01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:37,562
Only make herself something
yummy out in the kitchen.

1302
01:12:37,645 --> 01:12:39,397
Who gives a fuck?

1303
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:42,358
My wife does that, I just sit there,
I just start commentating.

1304
01:12:42,441 --> 01:12:45,027
"Here she comes again,
walking by the TV.

1305
01:12:45,111 --> 01:12:47,446
She really must be mad."

1306
01:12:48,573 --> 01:12:52,326
She's never body-slammed
me once, ever.

1307
01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:58,040
I'm not saying
to be a dick. All right?

1308
01:12:59,584 --> 01:13:02,336
I'm just saying,
you got to keep them honest.

1309
01:13:02,420 --> 01:13:04,481
Every once in a while,
you got to have a little pushback.

1310
01:13:04,505 --> 01:13:06,757
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."

1311
01:13:06,841 --> 01:13:10,428
Rest of the shit...
I'm learning that about women.

1312
01:13:10,511 --> 01:13:12,597
You just want to keep them calm.

1313
01:13:12,680 --> 01:13:15,975
Just keep them calm,
like a rescue dog, right?

1314
01:13:16,058 --> 01:13:19,979
Just everything's cool,
everything's cool, just,

1315
01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:22,231
"Yeah, yeah, yeah,
this is great, this is great,

1316
01:13:22,315 --> 01:13:23,608
I'm having a great time.

1317
01:13:23,691 --> 01:13:24,942
No, your friends are awesome,

1318
01:13:25,026 --> 01:13:28,029
your friends are awesome,
very interesting party.

1319
01:13:28,112 --> 01:13:30,781
I am talking to people,
I'm talking to people,

1320
01:13:30,865 --> 01:13:33,701
I am having a good time here."

1321
01:13:34,785 --> 01:13:35,953
That's what you do.

1322
01:13:36,037 --> 01:13:40,499
You just do that enough, then when you
bark back, you got a little something.

1323
01:13:40,583 --> 01:13:43,127
Here's an olive branch
I've extended to her.

1324
01:13:43,210 --> 01:13:45,379
It's basically...

1325
01:13:45,463 --> 01:13:48,007
We fight a lot over television.

1326
01:13:48,090 --> 01:13:51,677
I've kind of come her way,
she's come my way.

1327
01:13:51,761 --> 01:13:53,679
She watches a little bit of sports,

1328
01:13:53,763 --> 01:13:56,182
I occasionally will watch
a romantic comedy.

1329
01:13:56,307 --> 01:13:58,684
Which, I don't care, the nerd's
gonna fuck the cheerleader.

1330
01:13:58,768 --> 01:14:00,394
I'll watch it, right?

1331
01:14:01,938 --> 01:14:03,981
I don't mind them,
it's an uplifting story.

1332
01:14:04,065 --> 01:14:07,902
I just don't like the love scenes
in romantic comedies.

1333
01:14:07,985 --> 01:14:09,487
They creep me out.

1334
01:14:09,570 --> 01:14:13,658
They're just so fucking nice.
It's, like, missionary-style.

1335
01:14:13,741 --> 01:14:17,078
There's candles.
That stupid saxophone music.

1336
01:14:17,161 --> 01:14:20,164
[imitates saxophone]

1337
01:14:20,247 --> 01:14:21,958
It always goes down.

1338
01:14:22,041 --> 01:14:25,461
Like the saxophone
implies the penetration, right?

1339
01:14:25,544 --> 01:14:27,129
'Cause they can't show it.

1340
01:14:27,213 --> 01:14:30,675
They got to make her this
one-dimensional, this little angel.

1341
01:14:30,758 --> 01:14:34,303
They ignore
the other 90% of her sexuality.

1342
01:14:34,387 --> 01:14:36,597
No hair-pulling, no ass-slapping,
none of that shit.

1343
01:14:36,681 --> 01:14:40,434
None of that taboo stuff
of a woman's sexuality.

1344
01:14:40,518 --> 01:14:41,644
That's never brought up.

1345
01:14:41,727 --> 01:14:44,772
That whole "Hold me down
but let me up, but hold me down.

1346
01:14:45,856 --> 01:14:49,735
Choke me, but let me breathe, but kind of
scare the shit out of me a little bit.

1347
01:14:49,819 --> 01:14:51,779
I want to feel your power
but I want to be safe,

1348
01:14:51,862 --> 01:14:54,448
but let me know
if you really wanted to."

1349
01:14:54,532 --> 01:14:57,034
That whole Fifty Shades of Rape,
whatever the hell that is.

1350
01:14:57,118 --> 01:14:58,995
Yeah.

1351
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:01,706
I don't even pretend
to understand it.

1352
01:15:01,789 --> 01:15:06,252
I remember the first time a woman wanted
to get me to choke her a little bit.

1353
01:15:06,335 --> 01:15:08,212
I didn't even know
what she was doing.

1354
01:15:08,295 --> 01:15:10,455
I was just so psyched
to be getting laid, I was like...

1355
01:15:12,383 --> 01:15:17,805
And she just kept taking my hand,
and she kept putting it right here.

1356
01:15:17,888 --> 01:15:19,209
I didn't know what she was doing.

1357
01:15:19,265 --> 01:15:21,892
I thought she was testing
my core strength or some shit.

1358
01:15:25,229 --> 01:15:27,040
And finally, I was just like,
"What are you doing?"

1359
01:15:27,064 --> 01:15:29,734
She says, like, "I don't know.
I just kinda like, ya know.

1360
01:15:29,817 --> 01:15:32,903
It's like squeeze a little bit
and kind of like squeeze it.

1361
01:15:32,987 --> 01:15:35,656
Why don't you want to do it?
It'll be fun."

1362
01:15:35,740 --> 01:15:37,074
Why don't I want to do it?

1363
01:15:37,158 --> 01:15:39,702
I don't think I want
a passed-out naked woman

1364
01:15:39,785 --> 01:15:41,746
with my fingerprints
all around her neck.

1365
01:15:41,829 --> 01:15:44,540
Having the cops show up.
"Yeah, she's in here, Officer.

1366
01:15:44,623 --> 01:15:48,502
Damndest thing, it was her idea.
I swear to God, it was her idea!"

1367
01:15:52,214 --> 01:15:54,425
Yeah, they always make it nice
in those movies.

1368
01:15:54,508 --> 01:15:56,761
The raciest thing they'll do is
every once in a while,

1369
01:15:56,844 --> 01:15:59,472
they'll kiss up against a wall.

1370
01:15:59,555 --> 01:16:02,516
I guess women like walls.
I didn't know that.

1371
01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:04,769
A lot of up-against-the-wall kissing.

1372
01:16:04,852 --> 01:16:07,104
"Oh, my God, it's the wall.
Oh, my God!

1373
01:16:07,188 --> 01:16:09,815
It's supporting me,
maybe he'll support me,

1374
01:16:09,899 --> 01:16:12,026
it's a metaphor, I love it."

1375
01:16:14,570 --> 01:16:16,906
Yeah, I saw one the other night,
they were doing that,

1376
01:16:16,989 --> 01:16:19,509
and then out of nowhere, they started
having sex up against the wall.

1377
01:16:19,533 --> 01:16:22,453
I'm like, finally, something
a little bit more interesting, right?

1378
01:16:22,536 --> 01:16:25,706
But they were doing it standing up
facing each other, missionary-style.

1379
01:16:25,790 --> 01:16:29,794
Arguably one of the most
difficult positions there is,

1380
01:16:29,877 --> 01:16:33,047
and they were doing it
with little to no difficulty.

1381
01:16:33,130 --> 01:16:35,883
All she did was lift her leg up
like that, and that was it.

1382
01:16:35,966 --> 01:16:38,344
He was off to the races.

1383
01:16:38,427 --> 01:16:40,471
I ruined the movie for my wife.

1384
01:16:40,554 --> 01:16:43,599
I'm like,
"That is fucking bullshit!

1385
01:16:43,682 --> 01:16:45,226
Bullshit."

1386
01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:47,853
What does the guy have,
like, a U-shaped dick?

1387
01:16:47,937 --> 01:16:49,230
How is he doing anything?

1388
01:16:49,313 --> 01:16:51,190
Is he sticking it in her navel?

1389
01:16:51,273 --> 01:16:54,193
Did he grease up her thighs,
to hell with her needs?

1390
01:16:54,276 --> 01:16:56,862
Like, if all she's gonna do is this,

1391
01:16:56,946 --> 01:17:00,866
she's got to bring it up like an offsides
call, if that's what she's doing.

1392
01:17:00,950 --> 01:17:05,746
All right? If not, you got
to make some adjustments.

1393
01:17:05,830 --> 01:17:10,042
You just got to grab the other leg,
you got to try to pick her up there,

1394
01:17:10,126 --> 01:17:11,627
use these muscles.

1395
01:17:11,710 --> 01:17:15,256
[screaming]

1396
01:17:15,339 --> 01:17:17,633
Maybe you could grab
a doorjamb, drop down,

1397
01:17:17,716 --> 01:17:20,928
try to come in, try to do that.

1398
01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:23,639
Dude, nobody can do that
other than a porn star

1399
01:17:23,722 --> 01:17:25,724
for longer than 18 seconds
before they're like,

1400
01:17:25,808 --> 01:17:28,060
"All right, this is ridiculous, okay?

1401
01:17:28,144 --> 01:17:29,937
My calves are burning,

1402
01:17:30,020 --> 01:17:33,858
I can't get nearly enough momentum
to do any sort of damage.

1403
01:17:33,941 --> 01:17:37,570
I can literally feel you
getting on with your day

1404
01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:41,866
with every pathetic attempt
to try and rock your world."

1405
01:17:41,949 --> 01:17:44,743
These guys in the movie,
they have no problem banging away,

1406
01:17:44,827 --> 01:17:47,121
then they pick them up
like they're not heavy.

1407
01:17:47,204 --> 01:17:52,501
They start walking down, they see the bed,
they just lay her down on the bed.

1408
01:17:52,585 --> 01:17:55,629
Dude, I'm not trying to be a dick,
but every woman in here is heavy.

1409
01:17:57,006 --> 01:18:01,552
Yeah, you're heavy.
You're an adult female!

1410
01:18:01,635 --> 01:18:03,446
Jesus Christ, when do you stop
picking up your kids?

1411
01:18:03,470 --> 01:18:05,222
When they're, like, five or six?

1412
01:18:05,306 --> 01:18:06,891
"Get off of me! Jesus Christ.

1413
01:18:06,974 --> 01:18:09,810
You're gonna throw out my back.
Go jump on your brother."

1414
01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:19,570
An adult woman weighs 115 pounds,
120, all the way up to God knows what.

1415
01:18:20,905 --> 01:18:22,698
And it's not balanced weight.

1416
01:18:22,781 --> 01:18:25,534
Most of it's in your thighs
and in your ass.

1417
01:18:25,618 --> 01:18:29,288
Your head's hanging off
trying to counterbalance.

1418
01:18:29,371 --> 01:18:31,040
Dude, when guys go to the gym,

1419
01:18:31,123 --> 01:18:33,792
we don't put 30 pounds on one side
and a buck-80 over here.

1420
01:18:33,876 --> 01:18:35,753
"Fuckin' yeah!"

1421
01:18:38,297 --> 01:18:39,840
Yeah, it's ridiculous.

1422
01:18:42,593 --> 01:18:44,887
Trying to carry a naked woman,

1423
01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:47,765
it's like trying to carry
a half-filled waterbed mattress.

1424
01:18:47,848 --> 01:18:50,184
You're, like, bumping into shit.

1425
01:18:50,267 --> 01:18:52,770
When you see the bed,
you don't walk to it,

1426
01:18:52,853 --> 01:18:54,980
you slowly start
picking up momentum.

1427
01:18:57,691 --> 01:19:01,612
Then she bounces off this mattress,
hits the wall, slides down,

1428
01:19:01,695 --> 01:19:03,239
the whole sex vibe's ruined,

1429
01:19:03,322 --> 01:19:06,700
and you're back to your
sandwich in your pocket.

1430
01:19:06,784 --> 01:19:09,119
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys were awesome.

1431
01:19:09,203 --> 01:19:11,288
Thank you so much.

1432
01:19:11,372 --> 01:19:14,959
Thank you, thank you.
I had a great time.

1433
01:19:17,670 --> 01:19:19,672
I'll see you next time.
Thank you.

1434
01:19:20,756 --> 01:19:22,758
[cheers and applause]