--staring at me, like totally creepo.
Oh, there was the cutest dalmatian puppy at the pet store
this weekend.
Oh, my god, she was so adorable.
You would have hated her, of course.
I was this close to buying--
Turn it down Lester.
We're trying to go to sleep.
Lester!
--this into account, fourth quarter projected earnings are
expected to exceed the established quota by 6.5%.
That makes the fifth consecutive quarter that we have seen
substantial gains over previous quarters,
bringing year-to-date net profit to 15--
Eventually, my husband found them.
There are only so many places you can hide a bottle.
Anyway, that's why I missed the last meeting.
I felt like a giant hand kept shoving me down anytime
I tried to stand.
And the shakes-- but I did it--
10 days sober.
Everyone hears a voice that's right in your head.
When you fall down, the voices laugh at you.
When you succeed, they tell you what a hero
you are, or more likely that you just got lucky this time.
Next time, well-- but always this running commentary, right?
And that's what's so great about drinking, so alluring.
I mean, it shuts up all the voices.
Sometimes you just want--
you just want them all to--
It's just not working out, Les.
And honestly, you've gotten kind of creepy
with all your video games and things.
Anyways, it wouldn't be right for me
to string you along acting like everything's OK when it's not.
Methadone
You don't like it?
It's called "Methadone."
It's still kind of rough around the edges.
Sounds good.
It's from a concept album I thought up
about a rock star who ODs and then travels through hell.
Nice.
He meets my ex-wife there.
Anyway, it's just something new I'm playing around with.
No.
Yeah, I like it.
I'm just really beat from work.
And there was this girl on the way home.
Crap.
I could never do a nine-to-fiver, dude.
No idea how you endure that shit.
A little girl.
She was standing on the sidewalk,
and then she's falling in front of my car.
Whoa, are you serious?
You didn't hit her, though?
No, almost.
God, I swear she was pushed, like the man behind her.
I'm sure you're just tripping.
Get you a beer?
No, no.
I'm really trying this time.
Doh!
My bad.
Never mind.
You don't care if I have one, right?
Not at all.
Go ahead.
So, you're on the wagon for good.
Well, two days good.
Important thing is she's OK, right?
The kid, I mean.
Hey, How's Allison, dude?
Shouldn't you be having babies and shit by now?
Crap.
Good boy, Chauncey.
Actually, Allison dumped me.
For reals?
When?
This afternoon.
Oh, that sucks.
Sorry, man.
Meh, she was getting weird.
Weird?
What kind of weird?
Like talking about other guys, not wanting to spend the night.
Damn, dude.
I mean, like, you live with your fam-fam.
Why would any girl want to spend the night there?
What was it, like, two years or--?
A year and a half, off and on--
mostly off.
Been rough for a while, I guess.
Then why would you put up with it?
Dude, it's not like there aren't any other women.
I know, I know.
I guess you get into a rhythm--
sort of a comfort zone, you know?
Well, snap out of it.
You know how it is.
No.
Uh, no, I don't know how it is.
I'm Dan Dan, the fucking man.
I had to put in a revolving door to handle all my bitches.
Pardon me.
Oh!
That smells, fucker.
I think I puked a little.
I don't remember eating sardines.
Hmm.
How long has it been going on?
Since Saturday, Friday?
I guess I've lost track of time.
Let me draw some labs.
I'll call you if I find anything.
Sound good?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks for seeing me last minute.
Oh, of course, of course.
And nice of you to work on a holiday.
I never have a day off, ever.
I'll call, OK?
The prince is home.
Are you sick?
I'm OK.
You don't look OK.
So when are you going to clean up your room, Lester?
I can't see the floor.
How can you live in that much clutter?
I had Julie over today, and I was so--
I'll clean it up this weekend.
You said that last weekend.
Oh, Barbara's daughter is home from DC
in a couple of weeks, Trish.
You two should go out.
What have you got to lose?
Have some coffee with the girl.
She looks like a ferret.
Oh, like that Allison is a beauty queen?
You can do better than her, Lester.
Your father and I are very disappointed.
She's dumb as a post.
She doesn't work.
We broke up.
Ha, best news I've heard all day, isn't it, Abe?
Wonderful.
Speak up!
Wonderful.
I always thought she was a gold digger, not
that you have any gold to dig.
At least Trish has a good job.
She teaches retarded children.
Mom!
And she's not strung out on silicon injections like Allison.
She lives 2,000 miles away.
People have made it work with worse.
Remember Bert Perry?
He married that girl he was seeing in Thailand.
She moved here.
Isn't that right, Abe?
Yep, Thailand.
Good for Bert Perry.
You're not getting any younger, Lester.
I have no clue how they got in, dude.
Chauncey would have barked.
I would have heard them.
How do you know it's a bomb?
Did someone contact you, or have you told anyone else?
They warned me not to.
They said if I did--
Who warned you?
--serve as a solemn reminder on this, the anniversary of--
They don't give you a choice, dude.
Danny!
I saw a van haul off a bunch of girls,
middle of the day, teenagers.
I saw-- I saw--
Maybe it's a hoax, or maybe--
Goddammit!
I can't fucking-- I can't do it!
I can't do it!
Danny.
Hey, Les.
Hey, Lloyd.
Team building games in 20, conference room
C. Don't be late this time.
Room C.
Oh, jeepers creepers!
Hey, Lloyd, toothpaste should get that out.
That's ink!
Right, ink.
You're right.
Criminy.
Ugh.
Five minutes later, another girl says to him,
$10 for a blowjob.
Little Billy can't understand why all these girls keep
coming up to him and saying, $10 for a blowjob,
$10 for a blowjob, you know?
So when he gets home, he asks his mom, hey, mommy,
what's a blowjob?
And his mom tells Billy, $10, just like in the city.
What kind of bone would a dog never eat?
A trombone.
Uh, a farmer is in bed with his wife-- with his wife, see.
And he, uh-- he rolls over and he squeezes her titty, you know?
Her titty, see?
And he says-- he says, if these could give milk,
we wouldn't need a cow.
Man.
What's the good word, friend?
Hey.
Mongrels don't appreciate dry humor.
Woohoo!
All right, yeah!
Woo!
I see they stuck you with the same bill I got.
Oh, wow.
Wowee.
Hiya, friend.
Name's Sal.
I guess we're not supposed to talk about any of this,
so I'll zip it.
Zip.
Hey, friend, wanna see a magic trick?
I learned that one in Panama from a shoe salesman
named Freid, Larry Freid.
Pretty crazy, huh?
Hey, our wedding was so beautiful,
even our cake was in tears.
See, tears, huh?
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff, see?
Because Cliff-- oh, when you have a bladder infection--
va, va, voom.
Thanks, honeypot.
Girls these days are genetically engineered for one thing--
All right?
Huh?
Rrah!
I know the feeling.
What step are you on?
Me, I'm on eight.
Or I guess that'd be seven now.
Make that six.
Wouldn't want all them potatoes to die for nothing, huh, friend?
Whoa!
It's funny how the girly parts that give us
the miracles of life are the same parts we men do such vile
things to, ironic even.
Hmm?
Just a little free philosophizing for you,
on the house.
My head is full of them, all sorts of crazy ideas.
Sometimes it's so rammed full, they're busting at the seams
to get out.
It's a wonder my fucking head doesn't explode.
Not much of a gabber, are you, friend?
Not been in a good mood lately.
You mean with all this racket?
Don't let that get you down.
Your problem is you see the world
through shit-colored glasses.
Is that so?
Sure it is.
You got to lighten up, friend.
Put a smile on your face.
Could be worse.
Heck, you could look like me.
Shame about the president, huh?
Do you-- have you got any idea who's doing this?
Does it matter?
If you were a smart kid, you'd keep your nose down
and do what they tell you.
Aha, just like they said.
This here's our job.
You got to pee first?
Let's skadoodle.
You're driving.
What's the good word, friend?
I love you, Mr. Lion.
You are my best friend
I want to be with you every day
Because you're my best friend in every way
Mr. Lion
I love you, Mr. Lion
I saw Becca at the dentist's office today.
Mm-hmm.
Her husband died--
57, heart attack.
Dropped dead just like that while he was
trying to unblock their toilet.
Mm-hmm.
And to think she just had all that lipo,
not that it helped much.
Janie, will you get that?
Janie, do as your father asks.
Hi there, little angel.
Is your mommy and daddy home?
Oh, don't be afraid.
I'm not going to kill you or nothing.
I just want to talk to your folks.
Janie, who's at the door?
Well, better get this show on the road or else you
and me are both kablooey.
Mommy, I'm scared.
It will be OK.
Daddy will think of something.
If you want money, I'll give you the combination to the safe.
There's $2,000 in there, and a gold watch.
Please don't kill us.
My-- my daughter has her whole life ahead of her.
Sorry, I--
Mommy.
She's just nine!
Do you have any nieces or nephews?
I love you, honey.
No!
Don't cry.
I can't.
No?
Then nice knowing you.
Can't you?
Me?
Hey, I'm not the one who got the text, am I?
It's your circus now, Jimmy Bailey.
Why would he--
I don't make the rules, friend.
Tick, tock.
Make them stop, James!
I'm begging you, please don't hurt my family.
I'm so sorry.
They don't give you a choice.
You don't have to do this.
Take the money and go.
We won't tell anyone.
Sunday is Janie's birthday.
Daddy!
Oh, wowee.
Janie.
Janie, I want you to close your eyes.
Is daddy OK?
Mom, is daddy OK?
Janie, close your eyes.
Please, do as I say!
Make them stop, Mommy!
Gee.
Them sure was some fireworks, huh, friend?
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Exactly where you left him.
What do you call a boomerang that don't work?
A stick.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pissing?
Because the P is silent.
A psychopath.
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Hey, mommy, what's a--
hey, mommy, what's a blow--
hey, mommy, what's a--
Les Hackel, will you come with me?
Sure, officer.
Have I done something?
Come with me.
Where are we going?
Bathroom's to the left if you need to freshen up.
Thanks, Dennis.
No problem, Chief.
Sit, Mr. Hackel.
Can I get you a water, tea?
Vodka, maybe?
I'm OK.
Of course, of course.
I couldn't resist.
Are you ready, then?
Ready?
Did they not explain the purpose of the proceedings?
Christ, I asked them to do one simple thing.
Dennis!
Yeah, Chief?
Didn't I tell you to explain the proceedings to Mr. Hackel?
I did, sir.
He didn't.
He's lying.
Why would I lie?
Never mind!
That's fine, Dennis.
Anyway, you're here to provide your confession.
Am I being charged with something?
No, that's the problem.
We need your confession in order to charge you.
Aren't I entitled to a lawyer?
Of course.
Do you-- do you have one?
No, I didn't know.
That's OK.
We can appoint one.
Would you like us to appoint one?
Sure, I guess.
It's free.
Dennis?
Yes, sir.
See if Mr. Dummkopf is available.
I don't understand.
What am I supposed to confess?
That's up to you, entirely up to you.
All we can do is encourage you.
Is this my client?
Yes, Mr. Dummkopf.
This is Les Hackel.
He's here for his confession.
Did you do it?
Do what?
You wouldn't be here if we knew that, would you?
This is ridiculous.
Am I under arrest?
Because if I'm not, I'm leaving.
You can leave, in a little while.
Oh!
First, we would appreciate your confession.
But I have nothing to confess.
Maybe he doesn't remember, Chief, hmm?
That's entirely possible.
Do you not remember?
I remember.
Fine, I remember I've got nothing to confess.
We're getting nowhere, Mr. Dummkopf.
Your client is not particularly helpful.
I'm afraid not.
My apologies.
What the hell kind of lawyer are you?
Can I get a real lawyer?
I am a real lawyer, you son of a bitch!
Now you're hurting his feelings, Mr. Hackel.
I don't give a fuck!
Release me, immediately!
Shit!
Could we perhaps speed this up?
I must pick my poodle up from daycare by 5:00.
Certainly, certainly.
Dennis!
Can you bring in the confessional?
Yes, Chief.
Thank you, Chief.
We would have gotten around to you sooner, Mr. Hackel,
but the Department has had his hands full recently,
as I'm sure you've noticed.
Seems like you've been getting on all right, nonetheless.
The confessional, the confessional!
What the hell is that?
Dennis?
This isn't legal!
Get the fuck off!
Last chance, Mr. Hackel.
I'm trying to be reasonable.
What do you want me to confess?
About the family?
We already know about the family.
No, not that.
What else?
Now, Chief?
I don't fucking know.
What else, the suitcase?
Not that either.
Keep thinking.
Here, maybe this'll jog your memory.
All right.
I-- I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
There's nothing to confess.
Again, again!
You heard him!
Again!
You certainly are a stubborn man, aren't you, Mr. Hackel?
Let's try this again.
Ah, you're here.
Les, yeah?
Clive.
Seriously, what are you, 16?
Does your mommy know you're here?
Well, just don't ask me to change your nappy.
Anyways, honey booboo, are you going to stand there like
a bitch, or are you going to give me a flippin' hand?
Get me the blowtorch, sweetheart.
There!
If you left your spine in the car, you'd better go get it.
You're going to need it in a minute.
I'm fine.
No, you're not fine!
They'll eat you for lunch.
You got to learn to stand up for yourself,
you know what I'm saying?
Spine!
Yeah, I had a rough couple of days.
Excuses, excuses.
You mama's boys are full of them, I tell ya.
I'm not a mama's boy.
Sure hell smells like one.
Smells like a dozen stinking yellow roses.
Cut the cord, pussy lips.
Use your teeth if you got 'em.
Ah, mama's boy.
It's like the gates of hell opened up out there, ain't it?
Ah, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
We'd all kill each other off.
Anyway, go fix your mascara.
It's time to roll.
Get the fuck out the way, you gits Christ,
was it a funeral Some of us
got goddamn places to be!
Jesus, I never seen so many imbeciles.
We're here, fruit cake.
Now, don't look so excited.
Reach for the sky!
I always wanted to say that.
You better not be getting pansy on me now, mariposa.
Why are you still here?
You want to get us killed?
I like my spine the way it is, arsewipe.
Go, the office!
Sorry, friend.
Just following orders.
Good, clean shot that was.
Are you awake, princess?
Managed to find a video recorder, got myself a souvenir.
Oh, don't bother, powderpuff.
You ain't going nowhere.
Me on the other end, well, I might tailing it out
of this shithole.
Powers that be say I done all right for nows.
Plans, they got.
Big, big, big plans.
I don't know why they care, but they tells me to leave you half.
Don't spend it all in one place, and blahby, blahby, blahby,
blah.
There's beer in the fridge if you get thirsty.
Sorry, all out of appletinis.
Later, sunshine.
Sorry.
Is this your place?
I-- I just needed to get away for a moment.
Can I stay here?
It's not my place.
I'm going home.
Let me come with you.
I'm sorry, I--
I don't--
I have nowhere to go.
Please take me with you.
I can't protect myself out there.
Everyone has lost their mind.
A group of men attacked me last night.
They-- they--
What's your name?
Chelsea.
Cough medicine?
Why would you give me cough medicine?
It's brandy, and top shelf brandy at that, apparently.
Helps settle the nerves--
that's what they say.
Hey, if you don't believe me, you can look it up.
I don't really drink much, or ever.
Good time to start, huh?
I'm all right, really.
So, which way to the bathroom?
Don't know.
Down the hall?
You don't know?
Just moved in, actually.
Well, nice pad.
Oh.
Smooth brandy.
My throat's still on fire.
Seriously, I need water.
Can I get you anything?
Did you do this?
Chelsea.
Of course you did this!
It's your house, isn't it?
Come back into the living room and I'll--
Just stay there!
Whatever you want--
Oh!
Chelsea, come on!
I'm not going to--
I'll do anything!
No.
Don't kill me!
Oh, god!
Listen--
Don't kill me!
Will you please listen?
I'm not going to kill you.
Stay back!
Look, I honestly don't care.
Stay, go back out there-- either way works for me.
But I need to put on something that isn't covered in skull.
I'm lucky to be alive.
It was five men.
All of them were twice my size.
They pulled me out of the car, threw me around like a rag doll.
Are you OK?
Did they--?
I can't remember.
I blacked out.
I-- I think so.
People, people are animals.
The worst thing is part of me feels like I deserved it.
That's ridiculous.
Why would you-- don't say that.
I guess I never had the greatest self-esteem.
You can blame my parents for that.
I hear you.
Are they all right, your parents?
I called the house, nobody answered.
You should go check on them.
I guess I should.
This has all happened so fast, you know?
I can't believe people can turn into monsters overnight.
I bet-- I bet some terrorist group is behind this.
I keep asking, nobody seems to know.
And the police haven't been much help.
I already had a run-in with the cops.
They wanted me to confess to something.
Well, did you?
Did I confess?
Did you do it?
Do what?
Whatever you're supposed to confess?
They seem to think so.
What is it?
My head feels so thick, all this--
I don't know, like I'm moving through glue.
You should bury them.
Those people in the kitchen, they deserve a burial.
Who are they?
No idea.
They made me do it.
Who did?
Oh, who is he?
Sal, a real cut-up.
Is that a barcode?
Looks like it.
There's an app that can read those.
We used it one quarter in economics.
It's all his stats.
You have one, too.
They've tagged us.
I had to do it.
I'm not a killer.
Is there a blessing we should say or something?
Do you think anyone's listening?
Mm-mm.
Shoes off.
What?
You're Letser Hackel?
Yeah?
Could you take your shoes off before you get in?
You might have stepped in shit.
I, uh-- I like fresh air.
They didn't tell me your name.
Call me Mr. Salk.
Oh, disgraceful.
Please, Mr. Hackel, do not touch.
Did they perchance tell you what we're doing this morning?
Nope, no idea.
I was hoping you'd know.
No, of course not.
This is not how one properly conducts business, is it?
In my line of work--
I'm a Certified Public Accountant-- everything
is carefully itemized, as it should be.
All this running around on secret missions,
it shows a blatant disregard for order.
Well, it's not sustainable, I can tell you that much.
Seems like nobody knows what the hell is going on.
I'm as much in the dark as you are, my friend.
What sorts of missions?
What missions have I been assigned?
I'd rather not talk about it.
I've done some terrible things,
things I didn't think I was capable of.
Well, one never knows how far one
is willing to go until there's a gun to one's head, does one?
The weird part is whoever or whatever
is behind this seems to be rewarding me.
A car, a house, a pile of cash--
everything I should have gone after before this nightmare
began.
Well, why haven't you?
Gone after it?
Fear, maybe.
Ambivalence, complacency.
It was a schoolhouse.
There must have been three dozen children inside.
Molotov cocktails.
Most of them perished with the fire.
The others ran.
They ran.
They ran, But they were still on fire.
That's how they died--
running and screaming and trying to put out the flames.
They kept burning even after they died.
Oh, god, the sound of crackling flesh.
The smell-- the smell was--
was-- some of those kids will survive, scarred for life.
That's no way to live.
Looks absolutely filthy.
Dear Lord, they said nothing about this.
I can't possibly--
Oh, dear.
Dear, dear me.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Allison?
Les, please get me out of here.
I'm so sorry we broke up.
It was a mistake.
You-- you said I was creepy.
No, I said your video games were creepy.
You're wonderful.
What happened to you?
It was horrible.
I love you, Les.
I love you so, so much.
Please, get me out of here.
Yeah, I'm over it.
Lester, don't you do it.
I fucking love you.
Don't you love me?
Goddammit, have you gone fucking crazy?
I fucking love you, you asshole.
Oh, god!
It's too much for me, Lester, all the blood, all the m--
mess!
Help me, Lester!
Oh, dear God!
I can't do it!
I can't!
How can they ask me to?
It's absolutely sadistic!
Lester!
Les, where have you been?
Was it a girl?
A girl?
I had to do one of their goddamn missions.
You're clothes.
Are you-- are you bleeding?
I just want to lay down.
Shower and lay down, OK?
I can make you something if you're hungry.
Soup-- we have soup.
Something like this.
It was on the barrels.
That's the knot of Hercules.
We studied it in art history last year.
And a name, Harrison.
What the hell does it mean?
Barrels of pureed humans, for fuck's sake.
That's awful.
The weird thing is the name seems familiar.
Well, relax, and maybe it'll come to you.
Try to clear your head.
Not that easy.
How are you?
I'll be OK.
That wasn't the question.
There aren't any words for it.
Devastated?
Oh, god.
What is this?
This-- this is trouble.
It's an army.
They're creating an army.
Or slaves.
Do you hear it?
The music?
Yeah.
I know this song.
Damn it.
Stop, Les, please.
I'm going to be--
I'm going to be sick.
Go inside.
What is it?
Is that Egyptian?
Binary?
I was going to say that.
What's it mean?
Stop it!
What's wrong with you?
I don't know.
I'm losing my mind.
Don't leave me, Les.
I couldn't make it.
I-- I think I need help.
Cough.
Sounds fine, Les.
Everything in the blood work looks OK.
Oh, that's reassuring.
So you've been hearing music?
Chelsea hears it, too.
Hmm.
It's the same tune every time.
It repeats over, and over, and over, and over.
It was playing at the mill and when I saw the alien.
Mm-hmm, alien.
I don't know-- alien, monster, boogeyman.
Uh, I wasn't there for that.
And these big yellow barrels full of people.
People?
Pureed people.
I suppose they're feeding this bogeyman with it.
Who's feeding the bogeyman, Les?
Well, that's just it--
I haven't figured out who, yet.
But it's starting to make sense.
See, we got this USB drive from Sal's stomach.
And when we opened it, there were
these-- these symbols, hieroglyphics or something, code
of some sort.
It's got to be a message.
I-- I-- I-- Just seems like--
It sounds like it maybe there's something else going on,
maybe something you want to confess?
What would-- what would I confess?
Come on, you've got to know what's
been happening in the world.
Les.
I mean, you've seen the news, right?
You've seen the--
Les, have you been drinking again?
You can tell me.
I haven't.
Doc, I quit, totally cold turkey.
It's been days.
I'm sure if you took an X-ray of my neck, you'd see--
See what exactly?
The bomb.
It must have been put there by the aliens
or whoever's behind all this.
Now, Les, do you realize how you sound?
I know exactly how I sound.
OK, then you would know that if I
deemed you a threat to yourself, I would be responsible.
Come on, Dr. Travers.
I would need to order an involuntary psychiatric hold.
Do you know what that is?
I'm not going to hurt myself.
Well, I'll be the judge.
Just an X-ray.
Do you see it?
You do, don't you?
Hello, Mr. Hackel, Victoria.
I'm supposed to give you something.
Anything else I can get you?
Anything at all?
I'm OK.
Or give you, hmm?
Anything.
Well, if you think of something, I'm right outside.
Give me a bang, hmm?
Looking for the exit?
You can't run out of the hospital in just your pajamas
and underwear, sweet pea.
Oh, you must have forgotten your underwear.
Ow.
Ooh.
It's still a little sore from the clamp.
Well, if you're going to dress like this,
you're kind of asking for it.
Yeah.
But if you don't mind, I'll be heading back to my room now.
Mr. Hackel, Lester, we're both too old
to be playing silly games, agreed?
Now, I'm just going to check your thermometer,
see if you have a fever.
Oh, yes.
Yes, yes.
This is not looking good, Mr. Hackel.
Very, very hot.
Perhaps I should send a sample off to the lab for testing, hmm?
Ow!
We have a biter.
I wouldn't go that way, Lester.
This is where they keep the colony.
I just left that wretched shithole,
and I am not going back.
Why?
What's the colony?
They did something to us--
injected us or used some sort of mind control.
It's like you have this hunger all the time.
Have you ever felt that, Lester, an emptiness
that you can't fill?
God, the birthing was horrible.
Birthing?
It doesn't take long at all after the impregnation, a day
or two.
And then we got right back in line to start over.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I guess they're creating a new race--
half human, half whatever the hell they are.
I've gotta-- to destroy them.
There are too many by now, thousands.
Let's just leave.
Please, Lester, I need you so much.
We can do it right here.
I can't just leave them there.
That thing in your neck will go off if you even try anything.
Come on, I'm dying here.
OK, I'll do whatever you want.
But first, I need you to destroy those things.
Me?
You need me--
I thought you were hungry?
Didn't you just say?
God, I am, Lester.
I-- I can't stand it.
But--
All those poor girls.
Lined up like Guinea pigs, all of them
mindlessly spitting out eggs.
What do you think they are?
I can't even imagine.
Whatever they are, they want to annihilate
the human race, take over the planet, that's for sure.
How can we stop them?
There must be some way to stop them?
Maybe we'll find answers there.
Maybe.
I used to go there when I was a kid before it shut down,
LaLa JoyLand.
My parents took me.
Fun times.
My long lost childhood.
Were you ever close?
With my parents?
Once.
What happened?
Crazy mommy, missing daddy.
It's a real syndrome.
Look it up.
No, seriously.
I am being serious.
Probably lots of guys suffer from it.
How was your mom crazy?
Too long a story.
And your dad left you?
No, but he was still missing.
You make it sound like you had a rough childhood.
It's all relative, though, isn't it?
Sure, if you say so.
Anyway, you should forgive them.
That's what I would do.
They used to have these people dressed up as cartoon
characters wandering the park--
a troll, a skunk, a wizard.
Always scared the crap out of me.
One was a big, fluffy white dog.
That thing terrified me the most.
His eyes were always looking off in different directions.
I was always scared of the Easter Bunny as a kid.
The Easter Bunny is frightening as hell, Chelsea.
Never trust the cute things.
A boy went missing here once in broad daylight.
They never found him.
Attendance dwindled off after that.
I guess that's when they decided to shut down.
Hmm?
Some kid threw up at the top of that thing--
missed me by an inch.
But he hit my friend Alex, who went on to vomit his own soda
and corn dog.
Next thing I know, half a dozen people were up chucking.
They call it puke rain.
It's a real thing.
Look it up, puke rain.
I came to this place every summer.
First kiss next to the bumper cars, Becky McGovern--
hated those braces.
Sounds like you had fun here.
Are you kidding?
Some of my best childhood memories are from this park.
Now look at it.
Hmm, looks to me like everyone has moved on.
Everyone except--
Hiya, peanut.
Miss me?
Les!
I didn't miss you.
Sees what I did there?
Sorry, sweet pea.
Orders is orders.
Fucking pig!
Yeah, that's what I likes to hear, spine.
Nothing personal, eh, treacle.
You understand.
Now, let's make this nice and quick.
I hope your girlfriend is OK.
Might have a cracking headache when
she wakes up, if she wakes up.
I might've taken out a few teeth, which may not
be such a bad thing after alls for you anyway, if you see
what I mean.
Talking about fellatio.
That's what I mean.
Anyways, be a dear and come out so I can scramble up your brains
and get home already.
Time is wasting.
Tick, tock!
Hey, how was that appletini, by the ways?
Oh, criminy!
Damn it!
I heard a good one the other day, pumpkin.
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing.
They were both stuck up bitches.
Stuck up bitches, huh?
Oh, come on.
You gotta admit, that's a riot.
Unless you're one of them's liberal feminist fannies.
Ah.
Likes I said, no hard feelings, friend.
You've just gotten a bit nosy, that's all.
This whole end of the world thing's
got everyone acting a bit doolally,
if you knows what I mean.
Yep, stuck up bitches.
I get it.
Chelsea?
They got to me last night, Les.
There's nothing I could do.
I'm sorry.
Back so soon?
How was your day?
Thanks for finally cleaning up your room.
It's nice to be able to walk around in there.
Sure.
What's the matter, Lester?
You look like crap.
I'm just really tired.
Was it work?
No, I--
I quit.
Well, you always hated that job, the way they treated you.
You're full of all sorts of good news this week.
Maybe you'll even find your own place, an apartment?
Wouldn't that be wonderful, Abe?
Sure would.
I actually found a place, a house.
Fantastic.
And how about that sweet little girl
you met, Chelsea, the school girl?
Are you still seeing her?
Did I tell you about her?
Wasn't that her name?
It is.
It was.
Chelsea--
But--
--that was it.
Oh, dad and I think she's adorable.
Abe?
Adorable.
It's nice to see you getting your life together, Lester.
How long did it take you?
35 years.
Dad and I thought you would never grow up.
I'd be in a nursing home, and you would still
be sitting in that room playing video games, watching--
Anyway, time to move on.
It'll start getting crowded around here soon with me
taking care of the brood.
Don't you think so, Abe?
Very--
Will you speak up?
Very crowded.
It's like living with a teenager.
Brood?
In the garage.
It's their dinner time if you want to feed them.
Lester, you woke them up.
Give me a hand with their supper.
Oh!
Lester!
You have to kill them, mom.
They'll take over the world.
Kill them?
They're harmless babies.
This is insane.
You're being hysterical.
They're hungry.
They need to be fed.
Look at them!
They're diseased!
They aren't diseased.
They're suffering!
Nonsense.
Are you going to help me feed them?
Lester, your bomb will go off!
I don't care anymore.
This has to stop!
See?
It didn't go off.
It will when they-- when they find out.
Lester!
Give that to me, Lester.
You can't!
Give me that--
Lester!
Dad!
Lester, give that to me and go to your room!
Dad!
What have you done?
Who's going to clean this up?
Dad?
Well, looks like Clive was right.
We were all itching to kill each other off, weren't we?
Seems like it didn't take much to get the ball rolling, huh?
Ah, humanity.
Sorry to hear about your girlfriend, Mr. Hackel.
We had a Scottie dog that died once,
the missus and I. Had its throat ripped out
by a pack of coyotes--
wandered right up our street in broad daylight.
They're not afraid of anything.
Anyway, horrible way to go.
Thanks.
She wasn't my girlfriend.
No, that she was not, that she was not.
So now you've had some time to think.
Are you about ready to confess?
Very well.
Any clearer?
There's nothing to confess.
I would really hate to be your scrotum right about now.
Again, Chief?
Think, Mr. Hackel, think.
It's buried in that head somewhere.
Now that you've cleared out all those voices,
killed them off one by one, it should be easy enough
to find if you look for it.
I haven't done anything!
Exactly, you haven't done anything.
Now we're getting somewhere.
You haven't done anything.
35 and living with mom.
A job you hate.
Never had a meaningful relationship with a woman,
or a human being for that matter.
You're being awfully hard on the guy, Chief.
I'm not arguing with you.
OK.
So maybe you don't care about yourself,
but think of the others.
What others?
Oh, you still don't get it.
All right, Mr. Hackel, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Think!
It's there, isn't it, Mr. Hackel?
Did you find it?
Think!
All right.
That'll do it, Lester.
Closing time.
Last one, last one.
Nope, sorry.
Come on.
Gotta cut you off.
Come on!
Can I call you a ride?
Eh, I'm right down the block.
Come on!
I'm sorry, I wish I could.
House rules.
OK, OK.
I got this.
Woohoo, woo!
Whoa!
Oop, whoa.
Whoa.
Woo!
Woohoo!
The fuck was that?
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Police are seeking
witnesses of a fatal hit-and-run accident.
29-year-old Roger Mill was cycling late last night.
You've gotten very creepy with all your video games
and things.
Anyways, it wouldn't be right for me to string you along.
Turn it down, Lester.
I'm sure you've heard of it, delirium tremens, DTs.
He seems to be at the tail end.
I'll start him on a sedative.
Keep him hydrated.
Rest him.
Impossible!
Lester never drinks.
Is that what you wanted to know?
If you ask me, the law is soft.
You might not even get a year in jail.
Did you know that?
Less than a year for vehicular manslaughter,
then out on probation.
Well, obviously you knew that.
It's pathetic.
Yeah, but that's beside the point.
Did you want to see her again?
Sorry, Chelsea.
I-- how are you?
Not bad, aside from one heck of a sore throat.
You look like a mess.
How do you feel?
Clearer, a lot clearer.
Does it make sense now without all those voices in your head?
They call it static in the attic.
It's a real thing.
Look it up.
Static.
Are you ready?
I think so.
Yeah, I am.
Think of the family you've destroyed.
They deserve to know--
his wife, his daughter.
I know, I know.
You're free to leave, Mr. Hackel.
Stay off the sauce.
Dennis, you can show Mr. Hackel the way out.
Sure, Chief.
That's OK.
I know the way.
Thank you for calling--
Hi, I--
I need to confess a crime.