1
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,182
You're wasting your time.

2
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:15,353
I've been trying to get that screen
unfrozen for a day.

3
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:17,932
-And if I can't, you certainly--
-And unfrozen.

4
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:21,862
How-- How did you do that?

5
00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:25,315
I just updated your operating system
and cleaned out your browser history.

6
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,110
By the way, shame on you.

7
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:31,359
Bachelor in Paradise?

8
00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:35,704
It's a guilty pleasure,
but I can quit at any time.

9
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:38,368
No, I can't.

10
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,667
-Good morning. Hi.
-Good morning.

11
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,499
-What's all this?
-Oh.

12
00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:47,837
Brochures from every highly selective
college in America,

13
00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:49,552
including all eight Ivies.

14
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:52,006
I got a flier
from the local blackjack academy.

15
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,602
It's addressed to "current resident."

16
00:00:58,767 --> 00:00:59,767
That's me.

17
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,230
I get a lot of mail.

18
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:04,691
I also go by "occupant."

19
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:07,984
Wait, Ramona,

20
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,279
all of these schools
are on the East Coast.

21
00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:13,411
I know, and they all have
outstanding programs in women's studies.

22
00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:15,988
But the East Coast is so far away.

23
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,496
And the Bay Area has plenty
of women to study.

24
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,410
There's two of them right here.

25
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:25,539
Mom, you have to trust that I'm looking
at schools that are right for me.

26
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:29,169
But I always imagined you'd go to college
somewhere closer to home.

27
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:31,875
Like right here at the kitchen island.

28
00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:35,892
Kimmy, our kids are growing up.

29
00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:40,019
It's important that we support them
and respect their life choices.

30
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,391
Well, I'm glad you feel that way

31
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,476
because... I'm not sure
I want to go to college.

32
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,358
Oh, you're going to college.

33
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:50,402
And that's my cue to go.

34
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,359
That's my cue to stay.

35
00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:57,414
Jackson.

36
00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:00,872
College is where you--
you figure out who you want to be.

37
00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:04,542
You know, I thought that I was
going to be an English teacher,

38
00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:07,384
until I realized I liked llamas
more than commas.

39
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:11,384
So I became a veterinarian.

40
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,683
Well, I already know what I want to do.

41
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,469
-You do? What?
-Not have this conversation.

42
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,219
Man.

43
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:23,310
I can't believe my child
might not go to college.

44
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:25,853
Even Stephanie took her tuition money

45
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,397
and drank her way through Portugal.

46
00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,324
Don't sweat it, Deej.

47
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,531
Hey, I didn't get into any
of my top college picks and look at me.

48
00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:35,702
I live in your attic.

49
00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,584
Oh, hey, these aren't all
from the East Coast.

50
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,450
This one's from California University,
my alma mater.

51
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:44,538
Aw.

52
00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,786
CU was my first rejection letter.

53
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,044
And I got that before I even applied.

54
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,717
Hey, wait a minute.

55
00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:56,548
Why don't we take Jackson and Ramona
on a campus tour?

56
00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:58,604
Give them a glimpse of real college life.

57
00:02:58,678 --> 00:02:59,888
That's a great idea.

58
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,271
And maybe that will encourage Ramona
to pick a school that's more...

59
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:04,809
kitchen island-adjacent.

60
00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:09,361
And encourage Jackson to go to college.

61
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,479
I'll go put on my cheerleading uniform.

62
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,824
Why do you have a cheerleading uniform?

63
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,653
You were never a cheerleader.

64
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:20,868
I was also never a Schuyler sister,
a giant sandwich, a rat king,

65
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:24,410
a Benihana chef or Mrs. Doubtfire.
You're pulling that thread now?

66
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,253
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la♪

67
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:36,297
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

68
00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:40,182
♪ The milkman, the paper boy
The evening TV♪

69
00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:46,305
♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go♪

70
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:49,732
♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold onto♪

71
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,653
♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go♪

72
00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:56,953
♪ There's a face, there's a face
Somebody who needs you♪

73
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,198
♪ There's a heart♪

74
00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:01,199
♪ Everywhere you look, yeah♪

75
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:05,162
♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone♪

76
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:10,325
♪ A light is waiting to carry you home♪

77
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:12,036
♪ Everywhere you look♪

78
00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:14,166
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la♪

79
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,512
So you're going with DJ
to her alma mater?

80
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:21,757
Good luck with that.

81
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:24,970
What do you mean?

82
00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,560
♪ Rub-a-dub-dub, who's a Cal U Cub?♪

83
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:29,603
Whoo!

84
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:34,232
That. I mean that.

85
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,744
What? I'm proud to be a California Cub.

86
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:42,663
And I can't wait to show Jackson
how exciting college is.

87
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,989
-Steph, why don't you come with us?
-Oh, absolutely not.

88
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,617
I didn't even go to college
when I pretended to go.

89
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,421
Ah, but I sure love Portuguese whiskey.

90
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,338
So what else are you doing today?

91
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:58,342
Nothing.

92
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,548
Dad has Danielle and Tommy,
so for the first time in months,

93
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:02,934
I'll have a moment alone.

94
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,966
No diaper changing,
no rehearsals with Lisa Loeb,

95
00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:07,215
no wedding planning,

96
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,727
no explaining to Jimmy where
the light goes in the refrigerator

97
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:10,849
when you close the door.

98
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:14,944
I always wonder that, too.

99
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,909
Not now, Gibbler.

100
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,869
I am using today
to get centered and focused.

101
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:28,620
I even downloaded
a meditation app for $1.99,

102
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,123
and it promised me three dollars
of relaxation.

103
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:36,290
Ah, my journey to inner peace begins now.

104
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:43,967
Oh!

105
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:47,137
And my journey to inner peace
ends now.

106
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:50,431
What-- what are you guys doing here?

107
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:51,726
I live here.

108
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:54,728
No, you don't.

109
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,268
Then why am I always here?

110
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,896
And binging Fast and the Furious
one through eight?

111
00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,324
No. No, no, no.

112
00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:05,655
You guys can't be here.

113
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,490
-No.
-Why not?

114
00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:09,486
Because...

115
00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:12,754
you guys have tuxedo fittings.

116
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,081
What?
But the wedding's not for six more weeks.

117
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,036
We have tons of time.

118
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:20,461
The appointments were set ages ago.
Didn't you see it on DJ's bridal calendar?

119
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,506
DJ's bridal calendar!

120
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:26,468
Okay, why are we standing here?
I'll drive.

121
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,430
I thought
I was the famous race car driver?

122
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,394
-But she's my fiancée.
-Good point, you drive.

123
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:34,444
Wait. Fast and the Furious howl on three,
one, two, three.

124
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,519
Family.

125
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:47,699
So, this concludes our tour
of California University.

126
00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:51,737
I hope you enjoyed seeing the quad,
the cafeteria and the science lab,

127
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,868
where for the very first time,
my tour was asked to leave.

128
00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:01,455
What? I can't help it if I knew all
the answers to the professor's questions.

129
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:05,006
Dean's list DJ back on campus, baby!

130
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,175
Look, Ramona, a squirrel.

131
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,940
You don't see rodents like that
back on the East Coast.

132
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,819
Yes, Mom.
New York is notoriously rodent-free.

133
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:25,614
Jackson.

134
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,412
-Anything spark your interest?
-Absolutely.

135
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:29,739
Really? What?

136
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,534
The meal plan that lets me
eat pizza all day.

137
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,286
Okay, well, you have to start somewhere.

138
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,001
There is more to college
than just the classes.

139
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:40,842
The social scene is lit.

140
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,379
Mom, you can't use that word.

141
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:46,842
Did I say it wrong?

142
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:49,264
Yes, you said it while being a mom.

143
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,603
Also, oh, Greek life is amazing.

144
00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:58,101
When I attended CU, I was the president
of my sorority, Delta Upsilon Delta.

145
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,861
You were a DUD? I'm a DUD!

146
00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,438
Go, DUDs!

147
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,821
Seriously, you call yourselves DUDs?

148
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,534
It was the best sorority at CU.

149
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:14,826
Every girl was practically
beating down our door to rush DUD.

150
00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,747
Well, things have kind of changed
since you graduated.

151
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:20,420
No one wants to join DUD anymore.
We only have four members.

152
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,587
Ouch! What happened?

153
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,048
Now, everyone wants to join
Zeta Beta Gamma,

154
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,668
or as they call it, Zeta Beta Glamma.

155
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,763
ZBG?

156
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,144
They were our fiercest rivals.

157
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:35,221
But ever since they stole the Bronze Cap--

158
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,886
They stole the Bronze Cap?

159
00:08:36,974 --> 00:08:38,064
What's the Bronze Cap?

160
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:43,979
The Bronze Cap is the mortar board
of CU's first female graduate.

161
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:47,572
We haven't had it in our possession
since your senior year, Mrs. Fuller.

162
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,742
Wow, that is a long time ago.

163
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,987
Like, a really, really long time ago.

164
00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:57,368
Well, this isn't right.

165
00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,793
We need to revive the DUD spirit.

166
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,578
We need to sneak into the Zeta house
and steal back the cap.

167
00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:09,343
An inspirational campus speech
leading to potential sorority high jinks?

168
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,717
You don't get that on the East Coast.

169
00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,311
I'm sorry, we met them on the bus.

170
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,436
Chop-chop, money is time!

171
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,608
Looks good!

172
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,695
Like James Bond.

173
00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,702
Looks also good.

174
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:37,286
Like guy who does James Bond taxes.

175
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:42,254
Looks not good.

176
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:46,087
Like James Bond grandmother's curtains.

177
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:53,509
Guys, for the wedding, I feel like
we should all have one cohesive look.

178
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,053
Then let's go with mine.

179
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:58,469
My tuxedo expresses class and elegance.

180
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:00,429
But mostly because I'm in it.

181
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:06,404
But mine expresses individuality.
and hides my problem areas.

182
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,988
Berta has opinion.

183
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,360
You're both wrong.

184
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,359
But I thought you liked mine?

185
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,987
Berta change mind.

186
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:17,783
Berta is hot mess.

187
00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:20,751
Now this...

188
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:23,535
this perfection.

189
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,003
Berta signature tuxedo.

190
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,130
I order one for each of you.

191
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,170
That's good for me.

192
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:33,513
No, I am getting married,
not hosting the 1964 Oscars.

193
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,513
Well, I don't want to look like
I'm parking cars at the Golden Nugget.

194
00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:45,348
Jimmy.

195
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,517
What do you think?

196
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:49,685
Oh, I'll tell you what I think.

197
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:53,444
I think I'm going to call Steph
and she'll tell me what I think.

198
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:57,817
Let's bring attention to our breath.

199
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,250
I don't want to go to school, Dad.
Gia's going to make me smoke.

200
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:14,878
Hello?

201
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:19,295
Hey, Steph, we really need your help
settling this argument about the tuxedos.

202
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:21,561
We've been over this.

203
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,429
You have no problem areas.

204
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:31,522
She didn't pick up.

205
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:37,860
Well, there's only one thing left to do.
We need to call somebody with style,

206
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:42,027
with panache and the brutal honesty
of The New York Times' theater critic.

207
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,367
You pulled me out of chess club for this?

208
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:06,269
Okay, sisters of Delta Upsilon Delta,

209
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,391
and occupants of the Fuller house...

210
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:14,315
today, we are here to rediscover
our inner DUD spirit.

211
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,610
Today, we reclaim the Bronze Cap.

212
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:18,900
Yes!

213
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:21,528
See, Jackson?

214
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:24,405
This is the perfect opportunity
for you to experience

215
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:27,123
the best of college tomfoolery
firsthand.

216
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,168
Tomfoolery?

217
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,962
I liked it better when you said "lit."

218
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,255
Excuse me. Hi.

219
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:42,506
Aren't you a little old
to be at a sorority party?

220
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,773
You think we're only a little old?

221
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,139
Kimmy, focus!

222
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:55,316
We are official representatives
from the national charter.

223
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,355
We're here on official business,
unofficially.

224
00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:01,359
Uh-oh.

225
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:04,782
I'm here to make sure you know
how to party like a rock star!

226
00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:08,199
Hey.

227
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,917
Who wants to limbo? Yeah?

228
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:16,168
How about you,
young lady who I've never met?

229
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:22,304
I guess I do!

230
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,430
There.

231
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:31,943
That's the Bronze Cap,

232
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,808
waiting for me to nab it.

233
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,398
Nab it?

234
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,701
Lit? Pick a generation!

235
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:49,746
I'd be angry at your snarkiness,
but you sound like a college student.

236
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,004
-Kimmy.
-Yeah.

237
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:58,134
I need help distracting everyone
so I can take back the cap.

238
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,423
Can you clear the room?

239
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,587
No problem.

240
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,045
Nobody knows how to clear a room
like a Gibbler.

241
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,180
Hey, what are you guys talking about?

242
00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:12,943
Oh, my god!
This is, like, the coolest party ever!

243
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:19,780
I'm glad you think so.

244
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:23,107
You know, I think you would be
an excellent candidate to join the Zetas.

245
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:25,568
What? Me?

246
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:28,533
A ZBG? OMG!

247
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,748
Attention, party people.

248
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:38,496
I have the most exciting,
unexpected announcement.

249
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,262
Guess who's playing
a free, impromptu concert

250
00:14:42,339 --> 00:14:43,919
right now at the student union?

251
00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:45,508
Boy George!

252
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:53,394
I want to get on board,
but who's Boy George?

253
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:57,398
Say it's Billie Eilish.

254
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:58,519
Oops.

255
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,191
I got it wrong. Silly me.

256
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:02,935
It's Billy Idol.

257
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,572
It's Billie Eilish, let's go!

258
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,788
What? Jackson.

259
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:17,829
I need your help standing guard
so I can get the cap.

260
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,537
And miss Billie Eilish?

261
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,670
There's no Billie Eilish.

262
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,507
You really should consider college.

263
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,394
This looks like Grandma's curtains.

264
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:33,933
That's what Berta say.

265
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,647
This color washes you out.

266
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,518
Little man is brilliant.

267
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:43,817
But this? This is the worst of all.

268
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:45,571
Little man know nothing!

269
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,072
This is Berta's signature tuxedo.

270
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:52,827
Well, your signature is illegible.

271
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,908
Whoa, slow down there, Max.

272
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:58,916
Yes, ease off the sass pedal.

273
00:16:01,001 --> 00:16:02,381
What's wrong with my suit?

274
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,341
You look like you're about
to perform magic

275
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,591
at the Howard Johnson's by the airport.

276
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:08,838
Is classic!

277
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,216
Is boring!

278
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,262
Berta's highly offended.

279
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:14,136
Berta phoning it in.

280
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,481
That's it!

281
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:18,348
No tuxedos for you.

282
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:20,515
Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Berta?

283
00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,899
When you say no tuxedos,
do you mean...

284
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:24,859
no tuxedos?

285
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,822
Does Berta stutter?

286
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,316
Not since speech therapy.

287
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:32,369
It's San Francisco, honey.

288
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,789
They can get a tuxedo at a 7-Eleven.

289
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:41,252
Berta also canceling
your brides' wedding dresses.

290
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,293
No!

291
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:45,836
You can't! The women took forever
picking them out, enduring your abuse--

292
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,131
I mean charm.

293
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,507
Canceled!

294
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:51,428
And I keep deposit.

295
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:56,681
I should text Steph.

296
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,731
Maybe. Perhaps not.

297
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,436
Perhaps it'd be better
if we just cancel the wedding,

298
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,612
and start new lives under assumed names.

299
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,646
I'll be... Fernando.

300
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:08,565
Good luck.

301
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,776
Being Fernando is not as easy as it looks.

302
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,791
By now, you should be at the peak

303
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,657
of your relaxation.

304
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:21,961
I am.

305
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:34,137
What?!

306
00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:40,352
This is it. I'm bringing home the cap.

307
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,444
Come to Mama.

308
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,780
Oh, my lasers!

309
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:51,649
This room is lit.

310
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,122
Mom, that's technically correct,
but don't move.

311
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,370
What's happening?

312
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,995
It's a highly sensitive security system.

313
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,369
If you move and trip any of the lasers,

314
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,420
you'll set off the alarm.

315
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:07,088
Well, how am I gonna get the cap
out of here?

316
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,303
And how do you know all that stuff?

317
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,125
I set up the same security system
in my room

318
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:15,547
to stop Max from organizing
my sock drawer.

319
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:19,393
I'm kidding, it's simple.

320
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,813
It has a similar operating system
to your basic cell phone.

321
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,887
It has an intuitive user interface.

322
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,483
I didn't understand a single word
you said,

323
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,863
which must mean you know
what you're talking about.

324
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:31,282
Just get me out of here.

325
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,400
Okay.

326
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:33,900
I'm in.

327
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:39,161
And yet you can't remember not to leave
dirty spoons in the sink.

328
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:42,660
I think I see a way out of this.

329
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,872
I'm gonna talk you
through the maze of lasers

330
00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:46,922
so you can get out of here safely.

331
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,254
Get down low.

332
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:52,088
Now get on your stomach.

333
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,683
Quarter-turn to your right.

334
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:02,393
Pyramid!

335
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:07,897
Get up slowly.

336
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:12,864
Watch your left.

337
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,358
Matrix!

338
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:19,619
Now kick.

339
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,504
And cartwheel.

340
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,249
Mom, you were amazing.

341
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,634
Me? What about you?

342
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,178
I was pretty good, wasn't I?

343
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,588
And despite the great risk
of near-certain blindness,

344
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:39,717
I really enjoyed it.

345
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,305
I know!

346
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,845
I know, so did I.
Wait, wait, what? Near-certain blindness?

347
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:52,234
The point is you got out
and you still have all six senses.

348
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,738
What do you mean our dresses are canceled?

349
00:20:01,825 --> 00:20:05,155
Tiny man insult Berta's signature tuxedo.

350
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,834
Nobody insult the Bertux.

351
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,924
Look, Berta, let me deal with tiny man.

352
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:17,762
Tiny man...

353
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,141
you have got to apologize to Berta.

354
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,471
Why would I apologize for being right?

355
00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:29,522
Okay, Max, I know you have
some very strong opinions,

356
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,273
some of which may even be right.

357
00:20:32,105 --> 00:20:35,565
But it's not okay to insult someone's
professional work in front of them.

358
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,525
But you always make fun
of Joey's woodchuck.

359
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,163
Yeah, behind his back.

360
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,660
And more importantly,
it doesn't hurt his feelings.

361
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:49,580
Now, go.

362
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:55,666
Berta.

363
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:57,591
Yeah?

364
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:01,637
I'm...

365
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:04,347
I'm sorry.

366
00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:08,226
Sorry because I can't apologize
for being right.

367
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,564
Tiny man remains unfixed.

368
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,355
No dresses for you.

369
00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:15,686
Berta, look...

370
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:20,782
I know that this is probably
just another tuxedo

371
00:21:20,862 --> 00:21:23,492
and just another dress
for just another wedding for you.

372
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:26,123
But this day...

373
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:29,623
this wedding, it's one
that I never thought would happen.

374
00:21:31,164 --> 00:21:34,134
And it's the day that I get to marry
the love of my life

375
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:36,799
alongside my sister and my best friend,

376
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:39,508
who gave me the baby
that I never thought I'd have.

377
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:43,386
That was the most beautiful speech
I've ever heard.

378
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,345
Yes, Steph,
that was a wonderful way to put it.

379
00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:50,348
I have never loved you more.

380
00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:56,324
Berta not impressed.

381
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:00,864
Like my homeland,

382
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:05,034
Berta's heart cold and dead
and filled with minerals.

383
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,083
Well, I tried.

384
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:14,422
Guess I'd better go break the news
to the ladies.

385
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:15,329
Wait.

386
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:21,802
Berta, I'm sorry.

387
00:22:22,841 --> 00:22:24,841
Your designs are perfect because...

388
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:28,007
they are a reflection
of your unique style,

389
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,097
and nothing would make us more honored

390
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:34,313
than to have you lend your talents
to our special day.

391
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:37,936
I'm sorry.

392
00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:40,937
Very well!

393
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,396
Thank you.

394
00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:46,070
Berta accept apology.

395
00:22:46,406 --> 00:22:49,156
Dresses and tuxedos for everybody!

396
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:50,374
Yes!

397
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:52,945
Apology enough.

398
00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:57,174
Berta hasn't hugged since the Berlin Wall.

399
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:04,548
Nice job, tiny man.

400
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,890
Yeah, you're not wearing that.

401
00:23:21,983 --> 00:23:23,783
Sweet cheese, that was amazing!

402
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:27,994
I'd say our first college party
was a success.

403
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:31,541
Even before you crowd surfed
across the student union.

404
00:23:33,161 --> 00:23:35,001
And everyone was having so much fun,

405
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,670
no one even noticed
that Billy Joel never showed up.

406
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:40,544
Mom, it's Billie...

407
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:42,343
You know what? You're right.

408
00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:44,842
I had a blast with you.

409
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:48,965
So...

410
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:52,846
does this mean that you changed your mind
about going to school on the East Coast?

411
00:23:57,811 --> 00:24:00,361
Mom, you always told me that life
was an adventure.

412
00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:04,145
And watching the way you live it
convinced me of that.

413
00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:08,525
Now it's time  for me to start
my own adventure.

414
00:24:09,906 --> 00:24:12,326
I need to spread my wings
and see the world a little bit.

415
00:24:14,786 --> 00:24:17,116
But the fact that I feel secure enough
to move away...

416
00:24:18,665 --> 00:24:20,875
means that you did a great job
as a parent.

417
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:24,840
Oh.

418
00:24:24,921 --> 00:24:27,341
Why do you have to be
so dang smart and brave?

419
00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:33,807
Honey, I am so proud of you,
no matter what you decide.

420
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:37,349
And if a school on the East Coast
is your top choice,

421
00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:39,061
then I support you.

422
00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:44,654
I just have to get used to the idea
that my little bird is leaving the nest.

423
00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:51,202
Mom, wherever I end up going to school,

424
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:53,451
you know the dorm is always open.

425
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:56,829
Thank you, honey.

426
00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:59,706
But don't leave it open, that's not safe.

427
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:12,046
So, what did you think about college?

428
00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:14,889
Pizza, lasers, hijinks?

429
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:18,932
Beth the tour guide just texted me

430
00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:21,517
and said the DUDs
doubled their pledge class.

431
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:26,481
Can you send her a text back for me
and use lots of cool emojis?

432
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:31,611
You know, I had the best time.

433
00:25:32,155 --> 00:25:34,065
It really helped me
figure some things out.

434
00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:35,738
I knew it would.

435
00:25:36,284 --> 00:25:37,624
I've made a decision.

436
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:40,075
I'm definitely not going to college.

437
00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:43,173
Oh, come on!

438
00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:45,748
I flipped over lasers to make it look fun.

439
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:50,467
Mom, hear me out. I have a plan.
I thought about what you said.

440
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:52,717
Computers are my passion.

441
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:54,718
Hacking into that security system

442
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:56,973
made me realize
that I'm really good at this.

443
00:25:58,223 --> 00:26:00,183
Yeah, you do seem like a natural.

444
00:26:00,725 --> 00:26:01,555
I did some research

445
00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:04,943
and I found a great computer coding school
right here in San Francisco.

446
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,690
It's not a four-year college,
but people from this program

447
00:26:08,775 --> 00:26:12,735
have gone on to work at Google,
the FBI and even Netflix.

448
00:26:13,905 --> 00:26:15,025
Wow.

449
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:17,620
Jackson, I'm impressed. I really am.

450
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:21,827
There's no question that you have
a real talent for computers,

451
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:24,463
but the most important part is

452
00:26:24,749 --> 00:26:27,209
I've never seen you so passionate
about something.

453
00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:30,341
I think this could be
a really smart choice.

454
00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:32,255
I'm excited for you.

455
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:34,220
Thanks, Mom.

456
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:36,513
Really, that means a lot to me.

457
00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:38,307
I'm proud of you.

458
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,350
-Oh, hey, guys.
-Hey.

459
00:26:43,977 --> 00:26:45,227
How was the college tour?

460
00:26:45,812 --> 00:26:47,062
Oh, fine.

461
00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:49,269
Nothing special to report.

462
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,949
Yeah, we crashed a party
and snuck under some lasers

463
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,619
to steal an important emblem
of the college history.

464
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:00,331
Sure you did.

465
00:27:00,535 --> 00:27:04,325
Yeah, and I sent the guys down to Berta's
and almost ruined the whole wedding.

466
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,207
-I don't want to know.
-Mm-mmm.

467
00:27:11,504 --> 00:27:13,384
♪ One, two, three, four♪

468
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:43,544
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la♪