What you got?
Bloody hell.
ANDY: Is that...? LANCE: Blimey, mate.
Let me see.
That is beautiful.
Is that what I think it is?
It's a ruddy spearhead, mate. Incredible condition.
- Medieval? - Well, earlier, I'd say.
I don't know. Could it be Roman?
Unbelievable. You got some water to clean it?
Er...
Well, there's a water tank over there.
(Sighs)
No, I knew there was something fishy going on.
You bloody liar. You nearly wet yourself.
You said it was in incredible condition.
Well, exactly.
It was the condition told me something was wrong.
There was no age to it.
I wish I hadn't seen the railings,
- I'd still have a spearhead. - Well...
Now you know how it feels
to have your treasure snatched away so cruelly
from right under your nose.
It feels like crap.
Wait a minute. It's the same, isn't it?
What's the same as what?
The same as me losing my gold coin.
Not even nearly the same.
That's a sign, a clue.
Are you building up to one of your bits of mystic wisdom?
There's something about... karma going on.
You're not gonna get in any book of quotations with that, mate.
(Sighs)
The thing is, we have to redress the balance,
get our own back on those idiots.
It's all a question of karma.
When I think about karma, I see it as a good thing.
Like, if you do something nice,
something nice will happen to you.
But you see it as a tool for revenge.
Well, what do you suggest?
Just let them on the land for God's sake.
Let everyone in. Get a band. Have a festival.
You lose the farm in a few days anyway, don't you?
But what if one of them finds my hoard?
Then at least it will have been found.
Anyway, I thought you said his detector was an antique?
It is. It's a twat's detector.
There you go again, being mean. Stop being a bully.
Just play nicely with the other detectorists
and then nice things will start to happen.
Whoo-hoo! My very own ship.
- It's a boat! - No. I've upgraded it.
Today it's a ship. Come on, Dad.
Here.
Yeah, I...
I don't know if I...
Oh, Dad, please just have a glass of wine.
Yeah. Water looks a bit choppy today.
It's like a mirror. What are you talking about?
It'll be fine.
Thank you.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
KATE: It's not so bad, is it?
No, not so bad.
BECKY: Look at these two, Mum.
Do you see what they're making?
VERONICA: A house.
It's the house we went to see.
He can't stop thinking about it.
- He needs a place of his own. - I know.
He's been making homes for hedgehogs
and putting up bat boxes.
Some sort of nesting instinct kicking in.
- When's the auction? - Sunday.
- You thinking of going along? - I don't know what else to do.
He's got it in his head we're gonna win it.
I'm worried when we don't, it's gonna hit him hard.
This is a big moment for me, because, as you all know,
I have been working on this for a long time.
And there were moments on the journey
when I was quite despairing of ever getting this far.
And there is only one person to thank
for getting me through those dark days,
and that is, of course, my own darling Sheila, without whom...
Come on, Terry, just show us, never mind the speeches.
We all know how great Sheila is.
Have you got it there? Let's have a look.
Let me just explain that this is only the proof copy.
The actual finished product will have a much better...
Just show us!
Terry Cloth! Terry Cloth! Terry Cloth! Terry Cloth...
Yeah, yeah. All right, all right, all right, all right.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
Common Buttons of North West Essex by Terence Seymour.
Hooray!
- (Both whistle) - Whoo!
Oh, I'm not expecting
to make the New York Times Best Seller list obviously.
It would be nice, but... well, the Co-op on Emsdale Road
say they're gonna stock a few copies.
So we'll take it from there, see how it goes.
What's the print run on this, Terry?
TERRY: Initial print run of 45. - Thousand?
No, 45.
So there'll be one for each of you
and a bunch left over for the general public.
- Will you sign mine? - Certainly will, young Hugh.
I'll probably sign all the first editions.
Could you leave mine blank, it'll be worth more.
He could be the next JK Rowling.
Well, I doubt it'll spawn a movie franchise
and a theme park, darling.
- Button World. I'd go. - Mm.
It does sound like a good day out, admittedly.
Speaking of a good day out,
Lance and I have got a proposition.
You know we're losing our permission on Monday.
Well, we've decided it's time to open it up.
Get everyone down there for the last day and blitz the place.
See what there is before it's covered over.
About bloody time. You think there's still more to find?
Who knows, Terry, but we could do with your help.
It's going to be a nice day on Sunday.
It is. Yeah.
And guess what I took delivery of this very morning.
What?
- Brand spanking new gazebo. - How big?
- Three metres by nine. - Phew!
Bring it along, Teryllium,
and we can stick the finds table underneath -
you could shift a few books.
Well, you heard the man. These boys need our help.
- Full turn out, no excuses. - There is just one thing.
We may not be the only ones there.
Bloody hell. This is grim.
Welly, welly, well, well, well.
Look who's come crawling back.
- I can't do this. - Mate!
Look who it is. It's the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.
(Chuckles)
- That is our name. - I know.
You were saying it
like you were making up some funny name for us.
Ooh, if I were to make up a funny name for you...
it'd be a hell of a lot funnier than that,
- believe you me. - Would it?
Oh, yes.
You said you could get a preservation order
- put on that tree. - That's the trick, isn't it?
Tree preservation orders don't just... materialise.
We have made quite clear our demands.
Nice to see you apply the same ethics to your bat conservation
as you do to your metal detecting.
You're not interested in bats.
Why do you want to save that tree?
And what have you found in that field
that you're guarding it so closely?
Well, if you help us, we'll tell you.
- We can detect on the field? ANDY: For one day.
The last day before we lose it.
The entire field, just the two of us, for the whole day?
Now that we cannot agree to.
This time we're gonna do it properly.
No more sneaking about.
We're gonna hold a rally with a £5 entrance fee,
and at the end of the day we'll donate that money
to your bat conservation charity.
If you can save that tree.
- A proper organised rally? - Yeah. That's the deal.
We'll get the County Finds Liaison Officer down
to record everything so it's above board.
Take it or leave it. That's our final offer.
Will there be a barbecue?
I heard sometimes they have a barbecue.
Uh...
Well, yeah, if the weather's nice.
- And will there be a... gazebo? - There will be a gazebo, yeah.
- Terry's got a new gazebo. - A new one?
Well, we can maybe come down early and help set that up.
- You could if you wanted. - The thing is, we're not...
- We haven't got... - What is it?
We're not currently members
of the National Council for Metal Detecting.
Oh... I see.
It's been tough the last few years with...
After the er... the troubles.
It's been difficult to get references.
Well, we could make you honorary DMDC members for the day.
Mm. Don't see why not.
(Exhales)
Well, that would be nice.
I mean, that sounds good. Paul, can you...
Oh, do you... Do you need a little tissue?
- Yes, please. - Help yourself.
Thanks.
And definitely no-one could touch it?
Not for six months.
By which time you'll have bats in your boxes.
You said there was gonna be a rally.
Is there still gonna be a rally?
Here they come.
I'll see you in a minute, darling.
I hear you're good with gazebos.
Well, it's been a while.
No matter. We can always use a hand.
Hurry up now, we've got a gazebo to erect,
and we don't have all day to do it.
(Indistinct chatter)
(Soundtrack over dialogue)
Steady!
(Soundtrack over dialogue)
Lance.
Oh! Thank you, Sheila.
(Phil splutters)
Glorious day to be here as we say farewell to a long-loved
and, I understand, recently productive permission.
Thank you to Lance and Andy for opening it up for us all.
And welcome to our new friends, Paul and Phil.
(Smattering of applause)
- Chaps, what can you tell us? - Thank you, Teralene.
Well, folks, we think we've got a Roman burial,
or the remains thereof.
We've found parts of a cremation urn,
parts of another pot and various contemporary artefacts,
including the infamous gold Septimius Severus,
which was found on this very spot.
Yeah, mainly concentrated in this area here, up this end,
but Roman coming up all over this field and beyond, so...
So, loads of land to choose from, ladies and gents.
Coils to the soil, have a great day's detecting.
(All cheer)
Guys? Guys, can we spread out a bit?
Guys?
(Shouts) Guys! Guys!
Look, can we all spread out a bit?
Look at yourselves! Come on!
Move out a bit. Come on. Shoo! Go on.
Yee-ha! Go on!
Yee-ha! Go on, get out.
Ah. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist.
I thought I'd better come and see what it's all about,
find out what I'm sharing you with.
Well, prepare to be transported
into a world of wonder and adventure.
Righto! Have you found anything?
Hey, Toni, how's it going?
Mate, I've left my stuff up by the tree,
I'll be back in an hour. Don't find anything.
- Where are you going? - Nipping off to buy a house.
You need anything?
Uh, no. OK. Cheers.
Oh!
Decide on your price and stick to it.
So with the money from your car, that's 15 grand we've got tops?
- Yeah. - All right.
We'll just see how it goes.
If we get it, we get it, if not...
Yeah.
- Let me do the bidding. - Really?
Yeah, I know how to do it.
You hold up the card to raise the bid £1,000,
and then you do that to raise it 500.
- You think you can handle it? - Don't mean to brag, darling,
but I've been watching these programmes for years
while you've been at work.
I think I know what I'm doing.
- Have you got the card? - What card?
The card with the number on that you wave to bid?
Where do we get the card?
- I don't think we need that. - Are you sure?
The ones on YouTube usually have a card.
They've all got cards, I knew it.
Excuse me, are we supposed to have a card
with a number on it...to wave?
AUCTIONEER: Lot 3 - property 65-65-66-3H,
1930s midi-terraced cottagette.
- What was that? - Ssh.
Ours is the one after this.
Just watch and see how they do it.
..excitement in the room, lot of excitement on the phones.
So, twin contracts of ownership, rental guidelines,
pertaining potential under clauses pending.
Agents charges come under Section 17, Part 3,
but merchants and contractors can waive severance in person
within 21 days. So, what have we got?
Start me over, if you like. There, now, there.
- What's he saying? - Get me going.
Where you gonna be? Am I gonna find you?
Going to feel my eye. Draw it to you.
Bring me an opener. Somebody?
45 I have, thank you, sir. Do I see 46? 46 I see.
Do I see 47? May I say 48?
48 for you now. Is it 49? 49, 49, 49, 49, 49.
No. Do I have 49? 49, I have. 50?
50 I'm bid. Fresh bid. Do I have 51? 51 I have.
52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57.
57, 57. I'm selling at £57,000.
One, twice, three times, sold. Thank you. Moving on.
What even was that? Jesus!
It's not like this on Property Lottery!
(Beeping)
Nice button.
Welsh Guards.
Second Infantry.
Next up, lot 44-12D, Tattersdown Cottage.
- This is it, this is us. - Is it?
I don't understand a word he's saying, I honestly don't.
Keep calm, concentrate.
Grab me in, somebody, across my starting block. Pitch it up.
We are tick, tick, ticking. Are you forward, are you aft?
Thank you. £15,000 I'm bid. Do I hear £16,000 anywhere?
No? No 16?
£15,000 then. Any more? No more bids at £15,000?
15,500. Fresh bid. Thank you very much.
Do I hear 16? 16 I have. Do I hear 17, sir?
16,500, sir? Very well.
I'm selling at £16,000 for the first, second and third time...
Fresh bid, £17,000 at the back of the room there.
Thank you very much, madam. 18, do I hear 18?
18, 19, 20, 21,
22, 23, 24.
Do I hear 25? 25?
No, the bid is £24,000 at the back of the room.
Any advance on £24,000? Selling once, twice...
£30,000, a fresh bid on the phone there.
Do I hear 35, madam? 35 I have. 40 on the phone.
45 I have. 50 on the phone.
Do I hear 55, madam? Thank you very much.
All out on the phone.
Any more bids in the room before I sell to this lady
at the back of the room for £55,000?
Selling, once, twice, three times and sold.
Thank you very much. Moving on.
- What have you done? - It's all right.
They'll send people round, they'll take us down.
- It's all right, Andy. - We'll go to prison.
- Andy. - You'll go to prison.
My mum's gonna lend us the money. I've got it here.
Why didn't you fucking tell me? I nearly passed out.
It's ours, Andy. We won it.
I can't feel my legs.
Come on then, I dare you. Let's swap for an hour.
(Chuckles) All right.
Now, you're gonna have to be careful,
cos this is gonna be like a Formula One racing car.
You're not gonna be used to the power.
Honestly, look at this ridiculous thing.
I mean, it does everything for you.
You don't feel like you have any control.
Hang on, hang on, hang on. Where do you shovel in the coal?
I'm assuming this is steam driven?
What's this? You got "spoons" mode.
It's a bit specific, isn't it?
Well, not if you're searching in an old cutlery dump, it isn't.
See the Arado, it's sleek, elegant and minimalist.
This is vulgar, like a monster truck.
- What year is this? - It's an original. 1978.
- Is it really? - Mm-hm.
Is it? Oh. Same as my Triumph. Yeah.
Ah! Ha-ha!
(Sniffs)
Mm! Yeah, there it is.
- 1978, well, I never. - Unmistakable. A good year?
- They'll be 40 soon. - The big 4-0.
Here, I might have to take
a little photograph of them together later.
I like the way your mind ticks.
(Both chuckle)
- How are your legs? - Yeah, still a bit trembly.
Ooh, there's Toni looking bored. You go and play.
- I love you. - I love you.
Hurry up and find some gold! We've never been skinter!
Hey, mate!
Mate, I'm a homeow...
What, mate? All I got was you're a homo.
- Homeowner. I'm a home owner. - No way, mate? You won it?
- Bloody won it. - Oh, congratulations.
With 12 grand?
- Well, no, we had to go over. - Oh.
- Who did the bidding, you? - Yeah, yeah, me, yeah.
- With the little card? - All of that, you know.
(Laughs) Well, nice one, mate. Congratulations.
Hang on a sec. What's going on? What's that?
Oh, yeah, I'm trying it out. My idea.
You know what, it's not half bad.
That's embarrassing.
Leave you alone for a couple of hours.
Simple, but effective.
TERRY: Well, a good day, all.
No gold, unfortunately, despite the earlier false alarm.
Sorry. Shouldn't have done that dance.
Oh, I am all for dancing, Paul,
as any of these people will tell you,
but in the field we only dance for gold.
I didn't expect everybody to run towards me like that.
(Chuckles) No, as I say, no gold,
and I feel we've found all there is to be found.
If there was a grave here, I think, unfortunately,
it has been lost to time and the plough.
And with that, I suggest we all retire to the Two Brewers,
where the first round is most definitely on me.
Come on, then. I'll race you.
- Are you coming? - Yeah. I was just gonna...
- Do you need a moment alone? - Do you mind?
Would you mind?
So that's it, then. Wasn't meant to be.
- Nope, not this time. - What do we do now?
Find a new permission. Carry on, mate.
Gotta keep searching.
I don't know why we do it.
- No? I do. - I thought you probably would.
- Time travel. - Go on.
Metal detecting is the closest you'll get to time travel.
See, archaeologists, they gather up the facts,
piece the jigsaw together.
Work out how we lived and find the buildings we lived in,
but what we do is... it's different.
We unearth the scattered memories,
mine for stories, fill in the personality.
Detectorists.
We're time travellers.
Yeah, all right, I'll give you that one.
- Pub? - Go on, then.
(Chirps)
* Will you search the lonely earth for me?
* Climb through the briar and bramble?
* I'll be your treasure
(Coins clink)
* I felt the touch of the kings and the breath of the wind
* I knew the call of all the song birds
* They sang all the wrong words
* I'm waiting for you
* Would you drift o'er the rolling fields for me?
* Hold me in the highest bough?
* I'll be your treasure
* But in history's rhyme there's a place and a time
* And a truth to the gold that the folds cannot hold
* I'm waiting for you