In tragic news tonight, the beloved Baltimore icon,
Blimpo the clown, and his well-known comedy troop,
have been declared dead in Romania.
what we know thus far is that the entire troop including Blimpo, himself,
fell violently ill while on tour in Romania.
The cause of death still unknown.
Romanian officials have yet to comment on the matter,
but have agreed to ship the bodies back to the U.S.
To undergo autopsies.
Are you looking at my resume?
Yeah, it's illuminating.
I didn't realize this was an interview.
This is just a technicality.
Well, they told me today was my first day at work.
Whoa, whoa! No need to start spinning your head all around
and spewing pea soup all over the place.
I'm curious though, what brings you to our plane of existence?
Play the fiddle, get your horns trimmed,
finally collect on Kirk Cameron's soul.
Oh, shit, my video.
Look, I'm not with the band anymore.
I had to pursue other opportunities.
Do you have any other skills?
Aside from the whole Satanic Phil Collins shtick?
- Well, I can microwave. - All right.
Hmm.
Works for me.
I don't know. He might be overqualified for this sizzler.
Sizzler? You mean shizzle, like Snoop said.
- That's what I said. Fo shizzle. - No, you didn't.
You're the worst black guy-- the worst black guy ever.
- Who's that? - That's Luca.
Trust me, you don't want any part of that.
Word is he's on witness protection.
The mob has a $500,000 bounty on his head in Italy.
Some say he killed three men with his bare hands over a poker game,
and then he escaped from prison.
But whatever you do, never, ever, stare him
directly in the eyes.
Never.
Eyes back over here, junior.
All right.
Get your uniform for you.
Ah-ah, it's mine.
I forgot there's a test.
A test?
Ooh, ooh. Remember what happened to the last guy.
What else can we do?
Human bowling.
- This doesn't seem entirely-- - and go!
Oh, my God!
Whoo-hoo!
- Ow! - Shit.
That's gonna leave a mark.
- I think he's breathing. - Did I pass?
Would you quit dicking around? We got work to do.
Who's Rajeeve?
Oh, Rajeeve's, nice guy.
Had some weird contagious flesh-eating disease.
He died.
Long agonizing death.
Huh. In that uniform.
Relax, yours is on order.
Come on.
So the job is pretty simple. Paper's printed weekly,
so it's usually pretty quiet around here.
We stare at these monitors. So, we nap, we play cards,
we suck each other's dicks on Tuesday.
Hey! Did you hear what I just said?
Yeah, yeah, we nap, we play cards,
and we suck each other's dicks on Tuesday.
Do you watch all the employees or just the babes?
It's for their own protection.
Uh, what do you mean?
What do you mean, what do I mean?
You see Karen there?
She's special. So get your mind out of the gutter.
Yeah, my man, Ken, here, he's been big Macking on her since she got here.
Still hasn't asked her out yet.
The employee handbook specifically states
on page 32, section 11, subsection b,
employees must maintain clear boundaries
between co-workers personal and business interactions,
and refrain from fraternizing in and out of the work place.
And it's just Macking. No bacon, no super size, no special sauce.
Got it.
We have four floors. One and two are the warehouse.
Three and four are the offices.
We have some renovations going on,
so we have to be careful there.
We have the exterior doors and windows,
that's our office, and that's the wh--
what the hell is that?
What is? Is that a--
oh, that's just wrong.
- Jiggetts. - You, young man, are on donuts,
and I like mine powdered.
Oh, okay, so just powdered or--?
Just get an assortment.
- Rick, Matt, what the fuck? - Yo, what's up, K-Hustle, what's up, J-Dog.
What in the hell are you two doing?
Yo, man it's a body, we dragged it in from the lot.
All right, some idiot parked in the bay.
- Randall. - He's got Willy polishing
that piece of shit again, too.
Yeah, well, someone needs to sign for this.
3100 Stoker Street.
You know we're 3010, all right?
3100's the medical lab down by the docks.
You gotta be kidding me. Man, you got the wrong address!
Hey, man, listen, uh, we gotta go by Hopkins,
and their bay closes in, like, a half an hour, so, like, uh,
you know, you'd be doing me, you know, you be doing me
a solid, man, if you kept this here till tomorrow?
Nope. Not signing it.
Come on, chief.
I know my man here enjoys a little medicinal
whacky tobacky from time to time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, put that shit away.
You help us out, I'll hook you up.
Not the whole fucking bag, man.
Well, let's not be too hasty here.
Yo, man, you'll have this outta here
by the crizack of dawn.
We won't be held responsible if anything happens to it.
well, it's a stiff, yo, man, what's the worst that could happen? You know?
- I smell snozzberry diesel. - I know that.
Are you serious? You're gonna get us canned.
You're filling out the paperwork on this.
Whatever.
Excuse me.
Shit bag.
Hey, teammates.
How are they hanging?
Hey, fellas, what's say we have a late night game of cards tonight?
Yeah, you know that's against company policy, Randall.
Oh, come on, we're pals. What's the matter with you?
Well, all right, this weekend then, my place.
You're a muscular guy, you like gladiator movies.
Uh, our guy, Rajeeve, here, he loves gladiator movies.
You must be Randall, the head cheese.
But I want you to think of me as one of the boys.
Hey, fellas, what about that coffin in the bay?
Messed up delivery. It'll be gone in the A.M.
--0h, 00h, 00h, 00h.
-- Hey, honey bunny, I was just about to call you.
Looks like we might have a Ben Hur hot tub night this weekend.
Hope you got your shots. Randall likes you.
And Randall is freak nasty craz-craz.
It's cray-cray.
Not in the hoody.
Check this out, Rajeeve.
Shit, Mr. Grifhardt.
Oh, this is the money shot.
Oh, baby, give that to daddy.
- Hi, guys. - Shit, it's Karen!
Ah, ha! Um--
ah, just-- it's security footage, it's confidential.
I bet.
Ah.
Um, I'm sorry to interrupt,
we just wanted to let you guys know
that we are finishing up next week's layout upstairs.
The entire department is up there on deadline.
we're gonna be working late, so no need to come in, tasers ablazin'.
Don't you worry, young ladies, I got your back doors.
Your backsides.
Your Booty?
We got your backs.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you for that.
Hi, I'm Karen. You must be the new guy.
Rajeeve? Is that Greek?
No, no, I'm--
Hi.
I'm Penny.
I've worked here for three years.
We carpool together.
Okay.
You know, on that note, we will see you guys later,
but welcome to the gazette, Rajeey.
Let's go. I'll get you a milkshake.
That's-- that's not my name.
Who is the homely looking chick? Does she work here?
No, Jesus, again--
he thinks I must be made of money.
I have to pay for everything.
He should try paying for some stuff once in a while.
Sometimes people get buried with their jewelry.
Crap.
Man.
What the?
Blimpo.
I know some fetish sites that'll paya lot of money
for a genuine piece of Blimpo.
That nose.
That nose will pay for some sweet anniversary bling.
Mm-
oh, come on!
Damn.
Groovy.
First, I gotta document the merchandise.
Cheese.
Cheap piece of crap.
Whoop!
- Sorry. - No, no, that was me.
I think I've been staring at clowns for too long.
Well, it could be worse. It could be mimes.
- Oh. - Put on your glasses.
Your contacts must be drying out.
- Okay. - I'm gonna go make some coffee,
- do you want some? - Please.
With, oh, some of that, um--
I know how you like it.
- Coffee, ladies? - None-- none for me, thanks.
Ooh, yeah, take mine dark and sweet, like I like my men,
right, Caleb?
Very sexy.
Come on.
Come on, pooky-pooky.
Daddy's gotta go pee pee.
I raise.
I'm out.
Yeah, me too.
Did he really kill three people over a game of poker?
I don't know. Could have been more.
Hey, retards, we're out of toilet paper on three again.
Do we look like janitorial material to you?
Shit, we don't get paid half as much as those mop jockeys.
We'll get right on it, Barney.
Dispatch, we have a code brown emergency on three.
- Anything else? - You know what, yes.
Someone's been stealing food off my desk.
- Any ideas? - I got nothing.
Who the hell are you?
Look, I got a pizza coming anytime now.
We'll let you know when it gets here, Barnay.
It's Barney! It's Barney.
Those dirty cops are walking around here
with his unwiped dirty asshole.
With dirty butt juices sloshing around.
- Want a donut? - No, I'm good.
- whoa, what's that? - 8 P.M., main lights are on a timer.
So what's your story? You got a girl?
When I dropped the band, I let her go with it.
What about you guys?
How long have you been stuck here?
Stuck?
Jiggetts, here, grew up wanting to be a night watchman.
Sleep all day, carry a flashlight at night.
The man is ambition challenged.
I work hard not to work hard.
Hey, my man, Ken, here, ex-marine pretty boy,
firing on some mercenaries who were harassing the locals,
figured he'd get a medal for that, but, no,
dishonorable discharge.
what about you? what brings you to this line of work?
Um, it was-- it was the only place that would hire me.
- Ouch. - Geez, why don't you just punch me
- in the dick next time? - Yeah.
Are you too good for this place, Rajeeve?
No, Luca, that's not what I meant.
You walk in here with your fancy hair.
No, that's not what I meant, man.
Hey, pipe down.
Move.
Fuck me. Gear up.
- You, too. - Yeah? Okay.
Your belt.
Your flashlight. Your radio.
Do you want me to hold your hand?
- No. - Then move!
Hey, Tim, do you have that expense report?
Okay. That's a no.
Carry on.
Hello?
Randall, is that you? It's not funny, dude.
I've got a pencil.
I'm not afraid to fuck you up with it.
This is not good.
Sometimes the dead are more trouble than the living.
I know what this is. This has Randall's sticky fingerprints all over it.
Do you think Randall would do something like this?
Remember that time we caught him on camera? Barney fell asleep at his desk,
and next thing you know he's rubbing his greasy junk up on his face.
Would have been a violation of section 7,
subsection f, if we could prove it wasn't an accident.
- An accident? - well, if he had his twig and berries out,
we could have nailed him, but it was strictly a bump and grind.
- What does that have-- - necrophilia.
- Necro, what? - Necrophilia.
When one makes passionate love to another,
only the other is dead.
- Doing the nasty with dead people. - And Randall fits the profile.
His car's still here.
You okay, chief?
Yup. It's just something sticky.
There's just a-- something stabbed me!
- Oh, my God! - What the hell?
Ow! It's on me!
It's on me!
- This can't be good. - Then fucking do something!
Hm.
Randall? Computer's broken again.
Did you see Karen?
Randall, I swear to God, if I turn around
and your pants are around your ankles again--
those Jack ass delivery boys really screwed us this time.
That's a whole lotta blood for a dead body.
And who would take a body?
Ken, what do we do?
We do our jobs. We figure it out.
There's no chapter in the book for this.
We have to go back down there.
Oh, no. Oh, hell, no.
I'm calling the real cops right now.
- No police. - Why?
Okay, maybe now, police.
-- The 911 operator will answer your call
in the order it was received.
Six hours.
It's a six hour wait time.
Fucking Baltimore.
Guys.
This is not good.
Oh, no!
- Move it, come on! - I'm coming, man.
Jiggetts, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
A cramp, a cramp.
- The fuck is Luca? - I think he took the elevator.
Wha-- what? There's an elevator?
Come on, two more flights. Let's go, let's go!
Move! Move!
Hello?
What the fuck are you doing?
Just move, fucking means go.
Go, just go. Go! God damn it.
Hello?
Karen?
Karen's friend?
Guys, guys.
Hey, guys! Guys!
Holy shit.
Oh, thank God.
It's not Karen.
Du-- dude, what the hell could have done this?
Hey, guys, why are there people eating people?
That's a violation of section--
that's definitely a fucking violation.
Shit.
What the hell?
Thank you, Luca.
- Thank you. - Oh, poor sweet, Penny Taylor.
Not so sweet anymore, eh?
A wound that clean, it would take about 1,000 pounds of pressure.
Maybe from, like, a bear.
I think we're--
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Jiggetts, run!
Jiggetts, lock the door.
Shit.
Put her down!
Fucking eyes out!
Get the fuck off of me! Get off of me.
- Calm down. - Oh, stop!
What the fuck did you guys do to Penny?
Oh, my God! She was my girlfriend, you assholes.
What?
What the fuck is happening? What is happening?
Oh, my God. Is Penny dead?
I wouldn't count on it.
What the hell is happening in here?
My co-workers, whatever's left of them--
guys-- this door's not gonna hold,
we gotta get the hell outta here.
I think we found our bears.
Hey, where's the kid?
Rajeeve?
That's not my name.
- Would you quit-- - no, no, no, no, okay.
Quit screwing around.
Okay.
Well, we gotta go.
Karen, let's go.
Move, move, let's go.
Quickest way out is the bay doors downstairs.
Oh! Matt.
- You don't look so good. - Shut the door.
Shut the door.
No, Jiggetts!
Checked all the exits upstairs.
These things are everywhere.
It's a problem.
Randall's perve mobile.
We get the car and we blast right through them.
Mr. Jiggetts is right.
We could probably hit six or seven bodies
before we get stopped.
Everybody buckle up!
What the hell?
Oh, my God. Oh. My God!
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Start the car! - There's no keys.
Okay, hotwire the car!
What did you think, because I'm black,
I know how to hotwire a car?
Yes!
Fucking white people, really.
I gotta-- I can't stay in here.
I can't stay in here, you guys, I'm sorry.
I'm getting the fuck outta this car!
- Karen, no! Karen! - Shit.
- Karen, wait! - Please, God, no, Ken!
- Fuck, wait! - How do I open this?
- Okay, now what? - We wait here for help.
No, I'm not waiting. I'm not waiting here with you guys,
you're gonna die.
I'm so sorry, but look at you.
What? Sure, Jiggetts is gonna die.
But we rescued you. A little appreciation would be nice.
Oh, you rescued me? How about you save
that little fantasy situation for your next 1-900 number call?
Whoa! You're not seriously thinking about going out there?
Yeah, I am, because I've run the Baltimore Marathon twice,
and I am not afraid of anything that's out there, okay?
I don't need your help. I'm gonna be just fine on my own,
if you don't mind.
Okay, but, you know, could you send us help? Please?
Could you just pop the bay door, you child?
Karen! Karen! Karen!
Karen!
You were checking out her ass, weren't you?
Of course not.
- Open the door! - She's coming back!
- She's coming back! She's coming back! - Open the door!
- whoa! - Oh, my God, I'm covered with blood!
Get my legs! Get my legs!
Pull me--
come on, now!
Get me up! Get me up! Get me up!
- Willy! - They've nearly surrounded the place.
Barricade the front doors.
We will secure these, and then we will work on the windows.
But what are these things?
- Vampires. - Vampires, my ass.
Vampires are sparkly and shiny and handsome as shit.
- Yeah. - Not these motherfuckers.
- Maybe they're zompires. - No, no zompires. That's stupid.
Listen to me, the new ones are young and dumb,
but the more they eat, the stronger they get.
- why here? - OH, they're not just here.
They're everywhere, as it was foretold.
They would flock in large numbers,
and feed upon the blood of the living.
Many shall die and join their numbers,
but not us!
Do you know why?
'Cause Willy knows their weakness.
I know the one thing that will destroy them.
They're all around us.
Quickly, listen to me, come closer.
The thing we have to do ls--
uh!
{Vampire roaring]
Oh, way to go!
Go! Go! Go!
Hang on!
{Vampire growling]
Thanks, jeeve.
You're a good man, just trying to earn my keep.
{Vampire growling]
What the hell?
This-- this job was supposed to be naps,
and-- and cards, and dick sucking.
Not freakin' freaks.
Okay, she's gone.
Jiggetts.
What-- you've had guns this whole time?
The handbook clearly states on page 14,
this handbook?
We're at war with the undead.
This handbook
isn't going to help us.
That was my sci-fi erotica novel,
that I have been writing for the last 20 years.
- The handbook is a pdf! - Oh, I am so sorry, Ken.
Uh, can I get my gun?
Thanks.
Jiggetts, is that necessary?
You have got to be out of your cracker barrel mind.
I've been doing everything I can,
to possibly not shit my pants,
so it's your choice, smoking one end, or,
the other end blows.
I knew I would go out like this.
Let me get this straight.
You knew that you would be eaten alive
in a warehouse full of the undead?
- Really? - It's very high up on my list, too.
The whole undead killing us thing.
--Calling National Guards!
Calling National Guards!
There's clowns attacking people!
People attacking people!
Calling National Guards, it's a fucking mess out here.
Help! Help! Help!
They're everywhere.
It's okay, we got weapons, the door's locked,
we'll just wait them out in here.
We're safe in here.
{Vampire grunting] - Oh!
Willy?
Oh, willy, stop being such a baby. You're already dead.
Mr. Jiggetts, twist, then pull.
Always work for me.
These damn things are in here tight.
- That's what she said. - No.
How do we stop him?
Holy water, garlic, uh-- sunlight, stake through the heart.
What about crosses?
Yeah, Jiggetts, you got bling. What about a cross?
What? I'm a black Jew.
Like Sammy Davis, Jr. Whoopi Goldberg.
- Moses Malone. - Moses Malone, I actually don't think is a jew.
What the fuck, dude, you gotta beef with my faith?
No, Jiggetts, no beef, man. Totally vegetarian on the matter.
I just like-- I was just curious.
- Curious about? - well, how people of your faith
protect themselves against vampires.
-- What, you got, like, a dradle that you--
well, let's see, I never gave it any thought.
Never thought the issue would come up.
-- Well, we've got one right here.
We've got no garlic, no sunlight, no holy water,
and some of them are too fast to stake, so let's see what works.
Hmm, let me.
Security. Let me.
How in the hell could you miss that?
It's a vision thing.
-- See? Now that's gangster, bitch.
No, no, no, no. No, shit!
- Fuck! - Fuck!
My thumb.
My thumb is stuck.
Help me, help me.
- Come on, sport. - Stop, you've got to stop.
Let a real man show you how it's done.
- What the? - Let me try.
-- You've been trying to kill him
with a plastic stake.
It's fucking funny? You think it's funny?
Jiggetts. Jiggetts!
- Hey, Jiggetts. - Who is laughing now?
Okay, I thought you were weird from the get go.
And I figure most white people are weird.
Weird fucks with sandals.
Camouflage on every damn thing.
Camping. Fucking camping.
We got running water now. What the fuck is up with that?
Jiggetts! Jiggetts, calm down.
Uh!
Oh, stop being overdramatic. Just die already.
Oh!
{Vampire farting] - Oh, man, that's awful.
- Wow. - Uh!
My-- my eyes are watering all over.
That did not happen on "True Blood,"
- I watched every season. - I'm tasting the fart in my mouth.
Okay, stakes kill them, so now what do we do?
We fight our way out.
Yes, it is better to live one day as a lion,
than a thousand years as a lamb.
We wouldn't last a second out there. It's like fangapalooza.
The car.
We find Randall, we get the keys,
and we drive outta here.
Yeah, but the third floor is crawling with vampires.
Then we got work to do.
Jiggetts, clear the table.
Couldn't you just move the stuff?
The table's clear.
Let's go kill some dead people.
Watch the corners.
All clear.
Huh?
--|-low no you feel-- oh, shit! Bad Penny. Bad Penny.
Plan B! Plan B!
- Plan B. - Plan B.
Plan B. What's Plan B?
Oh, there ls no Plan B.
She can't see without her glasses.
Come on! Go!
Come on, guys, come on, come on.
I'm sorry, Pen.
Come on, we gotta stick to the plan.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Craz craz's are loose. - So are the rest.
It's cray-cray.
And we need to find Randall.
It's cray-cray.
Hey, guys?
That's Blimpo.
I love Blimpo.
Well, he looked a whole lot funnier on TV, chief.
What the fuck is he doing?
Looks like Blimpo's calling in l-lls clowns,
and all their leftovers.
Clear!
Can I see your flashlight?
Thank you.
Oh, shit.
Blimpo died in Romania.
Romania's vampire country.
And he was with his entire troop that got shipped back.
Of course, that's it.
Yes, he was in Romania,
and that's why all the others are infected.
- And who knows how many. - Jackpot!
The dead are walking the earth.
We don't have time for snacks.
There's always time for Chef Coppola.
Hey, Copolla, that's my cousin, eh.
Very good sandwich.
What is wrong with you?
Meatball. Barney always gets the best shit.
- Help! Help! - That's Barney!
Help!
Okay, okay, here we go with the sign language again.
It's not sign language. Now go, go!
Help me! Hey, help me!
Help! God damn it!
Help me! Help me!
- Ken, you shot me! - Oh, I'm so-- my bad.
Get out!
Help me! Help me!
No, no, no! Don't help me! Don't help me!
Can't go out like that! God damn it.
Shit.
- Karen! - No! He's a minor.
Oh, God, no!
Rajeeve, come here.
Come on. Come on.
You're okay.
Oh, God! You all right, chief?
No, do you smell that? What the fuck?
What the fuck--
he's fine. He's fine.
- Prove it, monkey. - what do you want me to make him do?
- Dance? - Dance.
- Make him dance. - I was kidding.
I don't know what that's gonna prove anyway.
Make him fucking dance or I shoot.
Barney, could you do a dance for us?
- What? - Bust a move,
or Rajeeve is gonna bust a cap in that ass.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Uh-.
What the fuck?
- Oh! - Fucked up.
- No. No, no, no. - No!
- What is wrong with you? - It's a sexy dance.
- It's all I could think of. - Oh, no sexy dance.
Do, like, the javy or the electric slide.
Oh, all right.
Oh, no.
I have seen some horrible things today, my friends,
but this by far is the worst.
what the fuck is that? Some Irish folk dance, or something?
Oh, I fucking knew it!
Just give me some-- some music or something.
Okay, I got this, guys.
You can do this, Jiggetts.
Brrr brrr brrr brrr
- boop boop chh boo boop-- - are you fucking kidding me?
Dude, that's worse than what he's doing.
You are an embarrassment to all black people.
Keep an eye out for Randall, he's our ticket out of here.
- What? - Follow us.
You're gonna give him a stake?
- Ooh, Barney, move! - Get the fuck out, everybody.
Ken? Ken? Ken?
- The neck guard works. - Good.
Oh, oh!
Man, that's nasty.
So, that is a thing.
- You hear that? - Oh, hey, hey!
We gotta move.
Meatball... sub keeps comma back.
Hey, what did I tell you?
What did I say?
Sorry, Barney.
Watch the corner. Go!
Gentlemen, just a thought--
- what if this is a-- - trap.
Vampires around the clock.
Okay, any of you girl scouts got a plan?
All of you, 90 points.
I'm dropping my boy here to bust open
a can of that special forces whoop ass
uh, yeah, about that-- special forces,
that was kind of an exaggeration.
- You lied about being a soldier? - No, I was in the Marines.
Just not that long.
- Like, a year? - Like, six months.
- Uh, a few days. - But we're following you
- like you know what you're doing. - It's not my fault, all right?
I was cleaning my gun and i accidentally shot my bunk mate.
- It could happen. - That would happen.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
God gave us two testicles for a reason.
And that guy's got three kids now.
You know lying is not a good quality for leadership, okay?
Why do you do that? To get girls?
That's really, really--
hey, my-- my sandwich.
Every Chef Copolla's Sandwich has 33.6 grams
- of pure Italian garlic. - How do you know that?
- what do you mean how do I know that? - Randall! Randall!
Over here. Over here.
Don't mess up.
- So, so, so! - Yes, come on.
Ooh.
Let's leave!
So, so, so! I've got you covered.
Close the door! Close the door!
Shut the door! Shut the door!
No! You're supposed to let sleeping dogs lie.
- Right now, that is not a good idea. - we're gonna need these.
Vampires can use guns?
That is not fair!
- Ah, bitch! - Yeah!
Get the keys.
Wait a minute.
- Oh, oh, God! - What? What?
Oh, God, it touched vampire dick.
Oh, it feels like it's a tiny popsicle.
Why? Does he have a hole in his pocket?
Check the other pocket.
Get in there.
- Okay, I got them. - Let's go, let's go.
Go, get in the car! Don't start it till after the door opens
no more going back.
Hurry!
- So! So! So! So! - Okay.
Go! Go! Go!
Put it in!
Get in the car!
Go! Go! Go!
- Jiggetts! - What do we do? What do we do?
Jiggetts!
Sorry, Jiggetts.
No, Karen, don't!
Jiggetts!
No, Jiggetts, open the door!
Open the door!
Open the damn door! Jiggetts!
Karen, no! Karen!
No!
Karen!
You take the boy. I lead them off.
Come on! Come on!
I see you, Karen.
Come on! Come on!
No! Dude, you cannot go back out there.
We can't just leave them out there to die.
That cage isn't gonna hold.
Jiggetts is out there in that vampire horde
we just have to make it till sunrise.
Sunrise isn't for another 30 minutes.
We can hold out.
- She can hold out. - And if she can't, then what?
I don't fucking know.
I don't have anything, man.
I don't have a girl. I don't have a band.
I don't have family. You? You got something, right?
You got family. You got a fucking job.
You got a fucking house plant you go home to.
I only had Jiggetts.
He was it.
There's no shame in crying, man.
- I understand. - No, you idiot.
I think I broke my hand.
Jiggetts and I, we were more than just co-workers.
I know it's weird for you to understand,
- but we were-- - lovers.
I was gonna say brothers.
Brothers with benefits?
What? But-- but--
no, no benefits, just brothers.
Okay, dude, I'm not judging you.
- There's no judging. - Okay!
All right, well, you know, y'all throw off a vibe.
There's no vibe! There's no throwing!
Okay, man, whatever.
Don't ask, don't tell, I get it.
You didn't know him.
He was a great man.
Dude, Hebrew crusher.
Dude, this is dank.
Your bff's been stock-piling prime reefer here.
Would you just let the asshole rest in peace?
Let's go, chief.
Fuck.
What the fuck?
What are you doing?
I know we haven't known each other for long,
but I can tell you have balls.
Big, hairy, rhino balls.
The days of sex, drugs, and rock and roll,
they're behind you, okay?
But you are still a rock star.
Rock star.
It's just a different stage, that's all, okay?
There are a million fans out there,
and they are waving their lighters,
and they are calling you out for one last stand.
One last stand.
Yeah, I'm good.
What about my speech? One last stand.
You lost me at fucking rhino balls.
Come on.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Here we go.
Come on, Karen. You can help me.
Come on, come on. Come on! Come on!
Hey, dudes on the fence.
Move it out.
Guys! Help! Help!
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, God.
Come on, boss.
Come on.
Where the hell did you learn how to do that?
School of rock, baby.
School of rock.
Ah.
I am really starting to dislike clowns.
Oh, oh, move! Come on! Go! Go!
Whoa!
Circus, holy shit!
Willy was right, these ones are stronger, and they're smarter.
There must be a breach in the building somewhere,
and they're trying to find shelter before sun up.
Sun up, sun down, we are fucked either way.
Ow! Ah, shit.
That's it.
What the hell are you doing?
What are you doing?
We're gonna tame some bees.
How do you feel about a little bowling?
All right, let's do this. You ready, Ken?
- Ready. - Okay, you're ready.
I'm ready. I'm ready.
All right, on three.
One, two, three.
Chief, I thought we were supposed to go on three.
Okay, okay, on three.
- Okay, I'm ready. You ready? - Yes.
- You ready? - Yep.
Okay, on three. All right, ready?
- One, two... - Three.
Luca? Yeah, Luca!
Yeah, Luca!
Whoo!
Somebody help me.
Get the key.
To the right. Right.
- Karen. Karen! - Oh, Ken! Ken!
Mmm.
- Is that your-- - it's my flashlight.
Dude, act like you've done this before.
- Shut up, chief. - Sorry, I just, um, I got carried away
in the moment, and--
weed makes me super horny.
I'm good with that.
- Bogey 3:00. - I got it.
Penny!
Okay, I told you I do not do monog--
okay, I deserved that.
- Okay, get out. - Karen.
Oh, God, she's heavy.
- Come on! - Oh!
Let's go. Let's go.
I got him! Whoo! Come on, bitch!
Oh, shit!
I am thinking the clowns--
- need a clip? - Right on. That's one.
I hate fucking clowns.
Karen!
Shoot.
I can't.
No!
Please.
Thank you, soldier.
You're welcome.
I was only kidding about that.
Please, Blimpo, let me go!
What am I--
no, no, Blimpo!
Let go!
Oh, my God!
Don't, Blimpo! Blimpo, come on!
Mazel Tov, motherfucker.
Chief!
Guys.
Guys, where did he go?
Where the fuck he--
no, no, no, no! I'm good!
Guys, it's me.
Um.
Uh, uh.
That's the macarena. That's the macarena.
- It's me. - Jiggetts!
Oh, God, yes.
No benefits.
Nah, no.
How the fuck did you survive out there?
Chef Coppola's meatball sub kept coming back on me,
and every time I let one... go,
it gave me an opening.
Is that my Hebrew kush?
Really? The whole bag?
All of it?
Anyway-- there are hundreds of them coming this way.
It's fucking Blimpo, man.
He's, like, drawn in here.
King of the clowns. Like, even in death.
And an army of them can fit in this place.
Not on my watch.
How do we stop them?
Luca, you're an assassin, murderer, or a cannibal,
- what do we do? - Not so sure, Ken.
I was a Baker.
A big store moved in next to mine?
I closed down, I come here to work.
You trained me.
Really? A Baker?
A Baker. I make the freaking cannoli.
I could kill for a cannoli right now.
But, no, man, no, I saw you snap our boss's neck
with like one twitch.
- All right, focus, I got a plan. - Shit.
- We go into the warehouse. - We lock ourselves in the cage.
Whoa.
Oh, God, Ken!
Sunrise is in 17 minutes.
- That is not a good idea. - It's what must be done.
But Mr. Ken, you're bleeding all over the place.
There are no buts. Don't you see?
This is our job. This is who we are.
We're night watch.
- No! - Ken.
Was it a dream?
No, you dumb ass.
So much of your blood got in my eye.
Touched my eye ball.
Why are you smiling?
- Oh, shit. - All right, guys,
make sure you get it everywhere. Everywhere.
We cover ourselves in blood
and lure them into the sunlight.
Missed a spot.
- Thanks, man. - You're welcome.
Don't you wanna get his back?
What? I'm not judging. Not judging.
Look, guys, if this is gonna be my last few seconds on this earth,
I gotta come clean about something.
The whole hip-hop gangster thing,
well, that's-- that's not really me.
The fact is, I do like camping.
And camouflage, I put it on some things.
Not everything.
And Nascar. I fucking love Nascar.
I got season tickets,
and on occasion, I do wear socks with my sandals.
I grew up in a Jewish community in Connecticut,
so there you have it. Oy vey.
It's okay.
You be you.
Do the two of you need private time or can we go?
Go, go, go, get to the window.
- I'm starting to regret this plan. - Go, go, go, go.
You're not gonna stop in the cage.
The sun rises in seven minutes,
and then we have to pull the shutters, and get to the gate.
It's working. It's working, the blood is drawing them in.
Oh, my, God, what are we doing?
Oh damn lt, Ken. We're cut off.
This is not good.
Ken, what do we do? They're closing in.
- We bail. - It's okay, the sunlight will save us.
We're surrounded. Wait for it!
- Ken! - Now!
God damn it, your watch is fast.
No, no!
Ken?
Rajeeve has this giant cross on his back.
I've got you, yes.
When were you gonna tell us about that?
Tell us about what?
You could have fucking saved us ten times over.
Oh, well, you know what?
Jiggetts, I'm self-conscious.
Self-conscious? You have a man bun.
How can you be self-conscious?
Whoo!
You were right, this is much better than rock and roll.
Got that shit right, Rajeeve.
My name's not Rajeeve.
What the hell is your name?
Seriously?
My name is Justin.
Hmm. Justin. Nice family name.
- I like that. - Thanks, Luca.
Okay, then, Justin.
So, what do we do now?
We're night watch now.
We saved the world.
I think I'm gonna like this job.
Ends'
ends'