This is so sick!
- Knock-knock.
Whoa, amazing!
- It's a hovering surfboard-- all the fun of surfing
without any of the chafing from a sand-filled bathing suit.
- No, what's amazing is,
I finally got that poppy seed out of my teeth.
- Congrats, Dad.
If it's okay with you and the poppy seed,
I'm gonna go back to surfing.
- Is there room up on that thing for Sand Doggy?
I always wanted that to be my nickname
in case I got into surfing.
- Sorry, but this can't hold
both of us, Dad.
Sand Doggy.
- Live a little!
Here I come.
- I can't control this thing with both of us on here!
- [crash] - [grunts]
Oh, bummer.
- It's all right.
I can buy another one-of-a-kind
hovering surfboard.
My name is Richie Rich,
and I'm just a normal kid--
except that I have a trillion dollars.
You see, I used all the vegetables I never ate
to create a new energy source
and sold it for a lot of money.
Now I live in a huge mansion with my own amusement park,
race car, and personal robot maid.
And I have my family and the best friends in the world
to share my fortune with:
My dad, my jealous sister, Harper,
my money manager, Murray, and my money spender, Darcy.
I guess you could say, by not eating my vegetables,
I became the richest and luckiest kid in the world.
What are you doing?
- Redecorating...
my purse.
- Well, we have a problem.
Now that Richie 's a trillionaire,
he could be a target for criminals
after his money.
Other than you.
I think Richie needs a security team.
They're not going to be, like, checking people's bags
when they leave the house, are they?
Maybe Richie doesn't need a security team.
He's already throwing away a lot of money
at unnecessary hangers-on.
Other than you.
Is there a point to your babbling?
It occurs to me,
since you and I are always by his side,
we would make the perfect bodyguards.
Yes, criminals will surely run and hide
after laying eyes on your rippling rib bones.
- That is a medical condition.
- Called "scrawny."
- I'm aware we'll require some training,
but we can hire a tough military guy
to whip us into shape.
- Well, I'm in.
And I'm taking an advance
on my first paycheck.
- Hey, Harp.
Sand Doggy isn't in here,
is he?
- No. Now run along.
Trying to have some fun.
- You're studying.
- [laughs] This isn't homework.
I find grammatical errors in textbooks for kicks.
Like right here?
Boom! Dangling participle!
- What up, offspring?
I found this awesome online quiz
called "Which online quiz are you?"
I got "Which Hunger Games sequel are you?"
It nailed me.
I am so that quiz.
- I'm kind of busy, but Richie just mentioned
he had nothing to do, so...
- Not true, Harper.
I'm reading this textbook!
Boom! Dangling something or other!
- So you guys are doing homework, huh?
Boring!
[laughs]
- I am out of here.
The two of you have taken all the joy
out of proofreading this textbook.
- Come on, Harper.
Don't go.
So looks like it's just you and me.
Want to go see what your sister's doing?
- How 'bout we take that quiz?
- Yeah! Now you're talking.
All right. Okay.
Which planet best reflects your personality?
Mars, Jupiter,
or Venus?
- Dad!
Fine, Venus.
- Are we done? - Almost.
Only 49 more questions to go.
Now, what sound do you find most soothing?
- The sound of your footsteps leaving my room.
[remote beeps]
- What can I do for you, Master Richie?
- Tell my dad which sound you find most soothing.
[engine revving]
- I would have to say the grinding of steel machinery
forging lug nuts out of high-grade aluminum alloy.
- I don't see a box for that.
Do you have another...
[stammering]
Pretty.
- Do you have any more questions
for me, Mr. Rich?
- I, um... pretty!
- Oh.
Hey, Murray.
I was thinking more about that security thing,
and I think it's a good idea.
- Good, because I found a guy capable of transforming us
into top-notch bodyguards.
- A magician? - No.
His name is Reaper,
and he's a martial arts world champion,
decorated fighter pilot,
and hard-core Special Forces commando.
- There are a lot of stairs in this place.
I counted at least three on my way from the elevator.
- Who are you?
- Reaper.
I'm here to... [pants]
Train you.
- Sir, yes, sir!
- You're a martial arts expert fighter pilot commando?
I was picturing someone
whose shirt was covered in medals,
not cheese puff dust.
- I happen to hold the high score
in six fighting games,
three flight simulators,
and seven first-person shooters.
- Those are video games!
Murray, get rid of this kid.
- I'm not messing with him.
This guy's a monster.
- Then I'm out of here.
- Do you want me to tell Richie
about that duffel bag full of cash?
So what's our first exercise, sensei?
- [sighs deeply] Good.
- No Dad. - Get lost.
- [yelps]
- This hiding spot's taken.
- We can't keep living like this.
I love Dad, but I can't hang out with him 24 hours a day.
- I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth,
but I agree with you.
I mean, I've tried to get him interested in other things,
but nothing's worked.
- We need something to occupy his time.
[gasps] Like a job.
- Okay, let's be realistic.
How about a coloring book?
- What about a girlfriend?
Someone who could get him out of the house
but also make him happy.
- Okay, Dad will never agree to go on a date.
- We'll just trick him into it,
like how we get him to brush his teeth.
Okay, your plan works in theory.
But where would we ever find a woman desperate enough
to go out with him?
- The meeting place
of all things lonely and desperate:
The Internet.
- Okay, Harper, let's fill out Dad's dating profile.
I'll post Irona at the door
to keep an eye out for him.
- According to my sensors, he's currently in the pantry
banging on the door trying to get out.
- Perfect.
I've filled out most of the questions about Dad.
Now I just need to enter his profession.
None.
And his interests.
None.
[computer buzzes]
No matches found.
- The reason you didn't get any matches
is because you were too honest.
This is the Internet. Everything is fake.
According to my Wiki page, I'm 6'2", dating Peyton List.
- You haven't checked it recently, have you?
- Sand Doggy is moving.
He's in the elevator.
Okay, you have a second
because he just hit all of the buttons.
Harper? Richie?
[stammering]
Pretty.
- Okay, I'm gonna give Dad a new profile.
Profession: Bull rider/ astronaut / international spy.
- Richie, no one's ever going to believe any of that.
- [computer dinging] - Look!
Fake Dad got 79 matches.
- One problem.
These women are all beautiful,
and we both know that Dad can't speak
around beautiful women.
Or beautiful robots.
- Aw.
I would be blushing
if I had a cardiovascular system.
- Dad's a fun guy.
We'll find him an unattractive woman
who he can be comfortable around.
Too pretty. Too pretty.
Ooh, is that an unsightly mole on her forehead?
- That is just dust on the screen.
- Oh.
Then too pretty.
- What about this Aura woman?
She's hideous, and not only did she list purple
as an interest, but she misspelled it.
Perfect.
- There, I just set up a date for tomorrow night.
Now what are you doing?
- Correcting my Wiki page.
"Mistreats his help"?
Harper, why would you write that?
- Yes, Harper.
Why?
- Okay, you pigs.
It's fitness test time.
- This is humiliating.
I can't believe I'm wearing a poly-cotton blend.
- No more squealing, honey!
- Understood, sir!
- In order to train you, I need to know what I'm working with,
so do your best to dodge these birds.
- Oh, I get it now.
You have us dressed up in pig costumes because--
[grunts]
Man down.
- [laughs] A man.
- Look alive!
You guys make me sick.
[groans]
Seriously, my stomach's
really queasy.
- [grunts]
- How is this supposed to help us?
- Are you questioning my methods?
- I am questioning everything about you.
- All I ask of you is patience.
Well, that and the deposit for his pig suit.
I don't think I'm gonna be able to return that.
- [yelps]
- There you are, you sneaky little bugger.
- Actually, Dad, I came in here
because we need to talk.
I'm having problems at school.
- [laughs] Don't sweat it.
I never did great in school,
and look how I turned out.
Well, my teacher is sweating it,
so much so she's coming over here right now
to have an emergency parent-teacher conference.
- Right now?
But I had plans.
I was gonna play with you.
- I'm sorry, Dad.
School comes before play.
Now, I need you to impress her.
Go put on a suit and tie.
- I don't own a suit.
Unless you count my bear suit.
[doorbell dings]
- Oh, that must be her.
I need you to go put on a suit I got you.
It's in your closet next to your fireman costume.
- So far, so good.
Now, time to meet Dad's date.
Bring in the creature!
- Hi. I'm Aura.
You're not hideous at all!
- Uh... thank you?
- This is very disappointing.
You're the one person who's actually prettier
than your online picture.
- [laughing] Guilty!
I do that to weed out superficial men only into looks.
- [scoffs] Is there another kind?
- Excuse us. What'll we do?
She's gorgeous, and it's too late to bail on the plan.
- Is Cliff here,
or did he get called away on a last-minute spy mission?
- Spy mission?
Oh, right, because he's a spy.
Well, I'm afraid that's classified.
- Would you mind telling your dad I'm here?
- Dad?
Agent Cliff doesn't have any children.
He comes with no baggage of any kind.
- I'm not his son.
I'm his CIA handler.
I'm actually a bit of a prodigy.
[chuckles]
- That's right, and I am--
- The help.
- What? [chuckles]
I'm a little too qualified to--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're way too good
for the job you begged for.
Now run along and fetch Aura a beverage.
I will not.
- If you want Dad to like her,
get her a drink and spill it on her.
Make her ugly.
I'm a prodigy at handling spies,
but handling house hands, not my thing.
[chuckles]
Now, because you don't have secret clearance,
if you mention anything about spying,
Agent Cliff will act like he doesn't have a clue.
- Got it.
- Actually, no matter the subject,
there's a good chance he'll act like
he doesn't have a clue.
- Oh.
[gasps]
- Harper!
To your maid quarters
to think about what you've done.
I apologize for her.
There.
You look perfect.
- Hey, I'm Cliff.
I'd like to apologize for--
- Harper?
I know. I've already apologized.
- How about we go to the meal? - Meal?
I didn't know we were gonna eat.
It's been a while since I've done one of these.
- [chuckles]
Your dinner awaits.
Wow.
For someone so rusty,
you sure know what you're doing.
- Thanks. - [laughs]
- No one's ever said that to me before.
- Oh.
- I don't know about you two,
but I'm seeing fireworks...
right out there.
- I can't believe you did all that for me.
- [chuckles] Neither can I.
- Well, get out there, kids,
and enjoy your 12-course meal.
- I don't think Aura wants to spend
any more time than she has to.
- Oh, come on.
I've been looking forward to this.
- That can't be good.
- I'm in serious trouble.
That's why I bought this.
- Thanks.
But I don't look good in necklaces.
Ow!
- Well, in that case,
maybe you should give it to her.
Oh.
- Come on, you guys.
I need more height in those sit-ups.
Cheese.
Salsa.
Is that all you guys got?
- Unless you plan on licking the bowl,
which I imagine you are.
- Way to work those abs.
Okay, let's move on to some martial arts.
I'm gonna arm you with the most specialized moves
in existence.
- I have some karate experience.
I signed up when I heard about the free belts,
but I was done-zo when I found out
they weren't snakeskin.
- I may have to sit this out as I am currently dealing
with a serious medical condition.
- Called "scrawny."
- [sighs] Don't worry.
Neither of you will actually have to do anything.
- That I can handle.
- You're gonna learn these moves through muscle memory.
I will control your bodies with my controllers.
- How's that going to work?
- Electro-stimulus bodysuits.
They send the signals from my controllers
directly to your muscles, turning you into
real, live video game characters.
- Ooh, can I be the interest rate slasher?
That's this awesome character that pops up on my banking app.
- Listen, Reaper, there's no way these things actually work.
Whoa!
- Stop. Stop!
- Are you hurt?
- Worse. I'm sweating.
- Actually, so am I.
Pause.
- Whoa.
How'd he do that?
- Lose his breath tapping a controller?
I have no idea.
- Okay, stop. - We can't.
You're controlling us.
- No, I'm not.
- Then how are we doing things like this?
- Muscle memory.
I'm over here playing
Persian Empire Invasion,
and it's really got me craving falafel.
- So we can actually do
all the things our bodies just did?
- Yep. My work here is done.
Well, it will be once I get down those stairs.
[sighs deeply]
- Murray, I got to give you credit.
I doubted you, but this whole plan of yours
actually worked.
You're a smart guy.
- Nice try, but I'm obligated to tell Richie
about the duffel bag.
- I understand.
- Darcy!
- I can't believe Dad and Aura
are actually hitting it off.
- I believe it.
Did you see the size of that diamond
I gave him to give her?
[both laughing]
- You know, I didn't expect to have
this much fun with you tonight.
I just expected a typical guy
blabbing about his job.
[laughing]
- It'd be impossible for me to talk about my job.
Aura, you're amazing.
And I wanted to know
if you would like to go out with me tomorrow.
- I'd love to.
By the way, I never asked you:
What problems are you having with Richie in class?
- Richie?
[both] Uh-oh.
- Okay, Dad-- I mean, Cliff.
Tell Aura you'll see her tomorrow.
- Have fun on your date!
[quietly] Don't wear makeup.
- Hold on, you're not really
a CIA handling prodigy, are you?
- I'm not at liberty to confirm or deny that.
- Prodigy?
He's barely passing your class.
- What class?
- Okay, the truth is--
- Richie set you up on a date,
and I told him not to, but he totally did it.
- Someone tell me what's going on.
- Dad, Harper and I set you guys up on a date
because we needed some space.
- I mean, we love to spend time with you,
but we do need time to ourselves occasionally.
- You're an amazing dad,
and you deserve someone other than us in your life
who sees how much fun you are.
- That is one of the sweetest things I've ever heard.
Cliff, you must be a great man,
because you raised one great kid.
- Hello. [chuckles]
I'm great, too.
- Thanks, guys.
I guess I could give you a little more space.
Aura, still want to go out on that date?
- I'd love to. [laughs]
Richie, thanks for introducing me to your dad,
even if it was in an incredibly devious way.
[laughs]
Come here, you.
- Richie's under attack!
- Get her!
[both grunt]
[thudding]
- Okay, okay, okay.
Darcy, Murray, stop.
- [exhales]
Threat neutralized.
- She isn't a threat.
- Not anymore.
You owe me one...
thousand dollars.
I'll go help myself.
- Aura.
- Are you okay? - No.
You know, I could tell you were all crazy people
the second I walked in, but I figured
the chance of marrying into this much money
was worth a shot.
It's not.
Well, looks like it's just us three again.
Want to play?
How 'bout spies?
[as Sean Connery ] I think Agent Cliff
is a great spy name, huh?
- Good idea! Okay, Agent Cliff.
Orders from base.
Foreign agents are searching for you,
and you need to go into hiding.
- Got it.
They'll never find me.
Should we get him?
- Nah.