[intro music]
[woman] Everyone's heard of the city that never sleeps.
- [cars honking] - What about the mothers who never sleep
because their boys move to the city and never call?
This is a story about three such mothers and their three sons.
- Oh! Stop the cab! Stop the cab! - [girls scream]
- [all laugh] - [guy 1] Look where we are.
You guys are such profound assholes.
- [guy 1] It's time, Daniel. - I know. I'm still deciding.
- You decided. You got a ring. - [guy 2] Yes.
- You're getting engaged! - Yes.
Right now? Isn't that fantastic?
I'm not asking Erin to marry me tonight, drunk with girls in the car.
- No offense. - Come on! Go!
- [girl] We're going to Matt's. - D, I love you, but get out.
[girl squeals and laughs]
- [guy 2] Come on. Come on. - [girl 2] Bye.
Look...
you are happy with Erin.
Like, happier than I've seen you since...
sixth grade.
Dude! Remember when you said you'd have your first novel finished
by the end of the year, three ends-of-the-years ago?
- Horrible pep talk. - These are the facts.
She's hot. I'm gonna do it if you don't. [laughs]
- That's actually a better pep talk. - [guy 1 shouts] Erin!
- [guy 1] All right. - [Daniel shushes]
Baby! Erin!
- This is why we don't hang out anymore. - [guy 1] Listen to me, okay?
This would be romantic.
This is the story that she's gonna tell your kids.
She's gonna say, "That's the night that he stormed up the stairs
and got down on one knee..."
And you asked if she would marry you.
- That is novel material. - [guy 2] Novel material.
- It would be a pretty great story. - Ahhh!
[woman] We were there for every big life event
and now we're lucky if we hear about anything at all.
[rummaging noises]
Erin?
Daniel?
What the fuck?
[woman] There's a lot you don't know as mothers.
In fact, that's what bonded us
when the boys' friendship launched our friendship
on a playground in Poughkeepsie.
["Lean on Me" playing]
♪ Sometimes in our lives ♪
♪ We all have pain ♪
♪ We all have sorrow ♪
♪ But... ♪
[woman] We've been through so much together.
Graduations, proms, skinned knees,
emergency room visits, family vacations, bad days, bad jobs.
And at every scary and unfamiliar stage,
the answer was always "friends."
[piano playing "Lean on Me"]
That's Gillian. She still has kids in the house,
they're just not hers.
Why are you teaching today?
It's just one lesson. He wants to play this later for his mother.
- He still likes her. - [man] Daniel texted you already.
Nothing says "I don't wanna talk to you" like a text.
- He said he misses us. - That's nice.
Hmm. It's a lie.
- But it's a nice lie. - [chuckles]
- [woman] And that's Helen. - [scoffs]
She never ages. At least, not publicly.
[Helen] Frank, I have to run a few errands before I go to Carol's.
Would you tell her that I could sell her house tomorrow
if she just gave me the listing?
[sighs] Are you spray-painting the top of your head again?
I'm tall enough, so no one even sees it.
Unless you're sitting.
Carol talks a good game, Frank,
but she will never sell that house.
You'd have to sell it with her in it.
[Carol] The three of us don't see each other as often as we used to.
The boys are gone.
Husbands have come and gone.
But one tradition remains.
[doorbell rings]
- I'm so glad we're still doing this! - [Helen] Happy Mother's Day!
Without husbands and kids, it might actually be fun.
- [Gillian] I brought donuts. - Oh! [laughs]
[Helen] I brought bourbon.
Like, I'm really going to drink a mimosa? It's Mother's Day.
I knew I should have Ubered.
[Helen] Guys, I think the guy at the liquor store was flirting with me.
[Carol] Oh, I can't remember the last time someone flirted with me.
[Helen] I bet it happens all the time. You're just not flirting back.
- [chuckles] - Why do you flirt back? You're married.
[Helen] Well, my marriage isn't as perfect as yours, Gillian.
Besides, flirting isn't cheating,
it's just a little pick-me-up for your ego.
It keeps your in shape, sexually speaking.
- [Carol chuckles] - Ah, so it's sexercise.
Yes, women should sexercise daily.
Ooh! Terrific, another thing that I'm not doing.
- [all laugh] - Come on!
There's nothing you're not doing. Look at this spread.
And you're always volunteering...
Oh, please. I teach art in a retirement home two days a week.
I'm hardly Mother Teresa.
And look at your house, it's spotless.
The key to a clean house? Dead husband. [gasps]
Oh, God. [chuckles] That came out much darker than I intended.
- No, that's a great household tip. - [all laugh]
What is with these flowers?
Come on, they get bigger every year. Did Matt send these?
Yes. Delivered this morning.
Matty is the perfect son. He never forgets.
- Is he dating anyone? - He doesn't have time.
And he's helping to launch some new sports magazine.
So, he just works, works out and sleeps, so he says.
No, Paul is the same way, he never mentions dating anyone.
God, I wish Daniel would date someone other than that Erin.
She's not good enough for him. I told him that.
Oh! And how did that go?
- He unfriended me. - See? Now, that's why I'm not on Facebook.
- [Gillian] Aww. - [Helen] Oh!
- Remember how cute they were? - [Gillian] Remember how cute we were?
When did I turn 50?
Oh, several years after I did, so shut up and enjoy your youth.
I love that with us, we don't have to lie about our age.
I love with us, we don't have to lie about anything.
Hmm.
[Gillian] Look, I've just polished off a whole donut in front of you two.
I didn't even pretend to only want half. Come on, that's friendship.
[Helen] Aww, you are so right.
I sent myself the flowers.
I've been doing it for a while now.
And each year it gets more and more depressing
so I get bigger and bigger flowers. [chuckles]
Well...
but you don't include a note, do you? [chuckles]
[laughing] No! I would not write my own...
Yes.
[gasps]
What did the note say this year?
- You are the best mother ever. - Yes.
- Well, you are. - What son forgets Mother's Day?
What kind of son sends a Mother's Day text?
[irritated] Pass the bourbon.
[Gillian] Come on, lazy!
Buy me some bath salts. Is that so difficult?
Hmm. A candle. A frame, something.
I should have sent myself flowers. It's brilliant.
Daniel can't call me from Long Island City?
God, I have a girl for him to meet.
- The little jerk won't even call me back. - [coughs]
Paul stopped caring about me when I married Frank.
Matt hasn't been home since Finn's funeral.
And he barely came home for that, stayed 16 hours, and he wore sneakers.
They were nice ones. They were Gucci.
[exhales deeply]
What did we do wrong?
We did everything right. That's what we did wrong.
And we raised our children to be free-thinking, independent beings
and now, they just don't need us anymore.
Well, they're gonna need us again when they have kids.
- When we're grandmothers. - I don't want to be a grandmother, but...
I would like one Mother's Day card.
[chuckles]
[Gillian] Motherhood.
That sinking feeling that as your child's growing up
that you're being broken up with, on a gradual but daily basis.
It's inhumane emotional waterboarding.
That is the best description of motherhood I've ever heard.
Mm-hmm.
Well, at this stage, it doesn't feel like motherhood. It feels like "otherhood."
Oh, my God, you're so right.
I don't want to be an other.
Me neither. But what are we going to do?
Drive to Manhattan, storm their apartments?
No, we've got to respect their space,
let them individuate, blah, blah, blah.
Except...
it's fucking Mother's Day.
["These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" playing]
[screams excitedly] Come on, Carol! We're doing this!
[Helen screaming] I'm so excited!
[Carol] Okay. All set.
[Gillian] Oh, my God. See ya!
- I need some grown-up luggage. - This is my good-luck bag from Guatemala.
[Helen excitedly] Here we go! Yay!
[all laughing and screaming]
[all three singing] ♪ And now someone else Is getting all your best ♪
♪ These boots are made for walking ♪
♪ And that's just what they'll do ♪
♪ And one of these days These boots are gonna walk all over you ♪
[all cheering and screaming]
- [Carol] Go, go boots! - [Gillian] Hear us, boys?!
[Helen] We should go on America's Got Talent.
[all three laughing]
♪ You keep lying When you ought to be truthing ♪
What was wrong with the old bridge?
♪ You keep losing When you ought to not bet ♪
She was sagging...
a little.
["These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" still playing]
[sighs]
♪ What's right is right But you ain't been right yet ♪
♪ These boots are made for walking ♪
♪ And that's just what they'll do ♪
♪ One of these days these boots Are gonna walk all over you ♪
I think the bourbon just wore off. Have we really thought this through?
What if the boys don't want to see us?
Mother isn't just a noun, it's a verb. It requires action.
I read that some place.
- Well, I teach on Tuesdays. - Just call in sick.
That's what I did for the first time in... ever.
I brought five clean pairs of underwear.
- Hey, I might be sick all week. - [gasps]
All week? Well, how long are we staying?
Until we feel like mothers again.
[scoffs] Why can't we feel like mothers from a hotel room?
Now, that is a valid question.
Because we're not on vacation, we are on a mission.
And they can deal with having us in their homes for a few days.
- They were in ours for 18 years. - [Gillian] Hmm.
[ice clinks in cup]
[Gillian] You got this, champ! Go in and call us when you're in!
- [screams] - [Carol] Gillian, I can't do this!
[Helen] Oh, you can! You're gonna do really great.
[Carol] No, no. Let's stop this.
- Yeah, you are! - [Gillian screaming]
[raised voice] Don't take no for an answer. Make him love you!
[shouting] Helen, Gillian! Wait!
[car honks]
[buzzes intercom]
- [Matt over intercom] Yeah. - Hi, I just happen to be in the neighbor...
- I'm downstairs, it's your mo... - [door buzzes open]
[elevator bell]
[knock at door]
Mom?
- Uh, what are you... - I was just missing you today.
[Carol breathes heavily]
- Shit, it's Mother's Day. - [Carol gasps] Is it?
- I was gonna call. - Can I come in?
Yeah. Of course. Please.
Please. [chuckles] Um...
- [breathes heavily] - I sent the elevator.
Oh, It's just five floors.
[chuckles]
Well, can I get you something?
Well, you didn't even hug me.
- I... - [Carol chuckles]
You caught me off guard. [chuckles]
Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
- Ah, let's just sit. - Yeah.
Uh, let's just put this away.
That's gone. And stack that up.
[exhales]
[laughs] That's not even...
[clears throat]
- [sighs] - [Carol laughs]
I've been thinking about our relationship and, um, I...
I don't think we have one.
What? Mom.
Mom, you are my mom. How could we not have one?
What's my favorite flower?
- We have a relationship. - Then tell me something about me.
Okay, there are a thousand things that I know about you.
[Carol sighs] Irises.
I... I knew that.
Um, I want to stay for a few days.
What? No. Mom. I mean, why?
Because you still live like a 15-year old, sweetheart,
I mean, look!
Look at this mess.
I'll clean while you think of ten things that you honestly know about me.
Okay, Mom. Ten?
- It's going to take me days to clean... - Mom! Mom!
I have a woman for that.
Well, how often does she come? Biannually?
[door opens]
[soft instrumental jazzy music]
[sighs] Mm-mmm.
[phone ringing]
[on phone] Hey, it's Daniel Lieberman. I'm guessing you know what to do.
[exhales heavily]
- [phone ringing] - [exhales]
- Oh, God. - [pills rattle]
Did you get in?
Yeah. [chuckles] I got in.
Tell me something.
Does Paul have drapes?
Matt has 75 pairs of
brand new sneakers, but no drapes.
Yes, Paul has drapes.
Listen...
would you mind if I called you back tomorrow?
Oh, yeah, sure, sorry.
Enjoy!
Okay. Yeah, I will. Goodnight, honey.
[sighs deeply]
[phone ringing]
Just stop.
[groans]
I'm a coward, okay? Hey.
Hey. Thank you.
How's it going with Paul?
[Helen] Good. Paul has been very gracious.
He just poured me a drink.
How's it going with Daniel?
I'm going to go by in the morning. Daniel's not answering the phone.
I think he's got that caller ID thing.
But I'll tell you this, Long Island City
is the place to go if you want to be stabbed.
[Helen chuckles]
[Gillian] 'Cause I was terrified to get out of my car.
Hey, have you heard of this place, the Hudson Hotel?
It's where Joel got the best rate.
[Helen] Oh, yeah. It's supposed to be cool.
[Gillian] It's really cool. I mean, it's more like a club than a hotel.
[whispering] And the bellboys are gorgeous.
[Helen] Gillian, you scamp.
[laughs] Uh, I'm gonna ambush
Daniel when it's light.
Oh, listen.
It is okay that you decided to wait.
It's a difficult thing to do.
I don't blame you.
[stammers] Actually... I've... [breathes heavily]
I've...
[Gillian] Oh, hey, can you tell Paul that I said hi?
Hmm.
Gillian says hello.
Paul says hello back.
- [Gillian] All right, sweet dreams. - Okay.
- [Gillian] Night, hun. - Good night.
[scoffs]
- [cars honking] - [siren wailing]
[Carol] I found some sausages in your freezer.
Took the skillet I gave you for college graduation out of the box.
Well, I don't eat breakfast.
You used to eat breakfast. "Most important meal of the day."
[chuckles] Yeah, according to Dad, and whoever said it originally.
Probably someone involved in the cereal business.
[laughs]
I need to get dressed and get to work.
Oh, well, don't let me stop you.
- Are those banana pancakes? - Mmm.
Well, I guess one...
wouldn't kill me.
[doorbell rings]
- It's after 8:00, you're late. - [Helen] Hi. I...
And if you touch anything on my desk, you're fired. Understand?
- I'm here to see Paul. - He'll pay you. [shouts] Andre!
- Don't mess up. - Okay.
- [door slams shut] - Oh!
- Hi. - Hi.
- You're the new housekeeper. - [Helen laughs]
I'm Paul's mother.
I'm Helen.
- Right, yes, sorry. Hi, I'm Andre. - Hi.
- Nice to meet you. - Are you...
are you Paul's boyfriend?
[stutters] I'll see if he's dressed.
Um... I just made some coffee.
- I'd love some coffee. - Please, join me.
[Helen] Uh...
Paul never officially came out to me, you know.
- So... - [Andre] Did you ever ask?
It wasn't my place to ask. It was his place to tell.
I'm sure at some point he knew I knew, but we never, you know...
talked about it.
Ah, well, my parents are visually deaf, I mean...
- Hello? - [both laugh]
What do you do, Andre?
Uh, as little as I can get away with.
Oh!
He never alters his pattern.
I can tell by the creaks in the floor when he's about to come downstairs.
Oh!
Oh, my God. I owe you a blow job.
- Your mother. - Your mother.
[elevated voice] Surprise!
[laughs]
Hey, Mom!
- [laughing] Boo! - [laughs]
I know it doesn't make any sense for me to try to maintain that house.
It's in constant need of repairs.
And no one's even been in the pool since your father died.
- So, just sell it. - But we've been there for 20 years.
- I haven't. - He didn't want me to be alone,
and I don't want to be, but...
the mattress...
it sags where your father slept.
And I keep thinking, "Maybe I should just buy a new one."
But if I did that, then...
the mattress wouldn't sag where your father slept.
Well, that's a nice greeting for your mother.
What's a nice greeting? I didn't say anything.
- That's what I'm talking about. - [door closes]
Are you and Dad fighting or something?
I came to see if you were okay.
I'm fantastic.
You... want a screwdriver or something?
Are you trying to make me cry?
Can you not threaten me with feelings, Ma? Just don't worry about me.
Your life is your life. Mine is mine.
Oh, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
If everyone was just here for themselves, life would be pointless.
Life is pointless.
Children give your life meaning.
You are the point of my life, Daniel.
Please, don't make me question my existence.
- Oh, my God, Ma. What are you doing here? - Really?
That's where we are? I drive for hours and hours and the first thing
- you say is, "What are you doing here?" - It wasn't the first thing I said,
- it was the last thing I said. - [sighs] Okay.
I'll go. If you don't want me, I'll go. I'll just get my bag...
Ma, I'm not saying I don't want you.
I'm just wondering why you didn't call me first to tell me you were coming.
You didn't call me on Mother's Day.
I'm not holding that against you.
I texted you.
I birthed you.
Anyway, that's not why I'm here.
I found you a nice Jewish girl.
You weren't even Jewish.
I converted, for you.
Okay, you converted for Dad.
Yes, so we could raise our kids as Jews.
So, stop dating the shiksas.
[bottles clinking]
Are you talking about Erin?
Erin. What kind of name is that?
It's like the leftovers of a Scrabble hand.
Mm-hmm. That's a character flaw now? Her name?
You met her once, you barely even spoke to her.
- You never even gave her a chance. - I saw her social media.
A lot of Margarita nights. She's a drinker.
- I'm a drinker. - You're a thinker.
You use alcohol as a coping mechanism.
That's the definition of alcoholism.
You're an intellectual, she's a hairdresser.
Hairstylist. And so what?
So, let her style your hair, but don't procreate with her.
That is so classist and offensive.
And it's over. So, why don't you just move on, okay?
I have.
Remember the Brimers?
- Ivan and Joan. - No.
On the corner, with that horrible shih tzu that bit you when you were six.
Yeah, I remember the dog.
Well, Joan's sister has a nephew by marriage in Yonkers,
and he gave me this number of this brilliant woman from his temple.
She's just been through a painful divorce, which apparently was not her fault at all.
Okay, good to know.
And she is a beautiful person. She's friends with his wife.
Oh, my God. Ma, you've never even met her, have you?
I saw her social media.
She is smart.
She did a beach clean-up.
Daniel, she's starting to think about dating again.
We got to get in there fast.
When I reached out to her, I told her that you were nearby
and in a similar boat. She said she would love to hear from you.
Why have you done this?
Her name is Alison.
She graduated from Brown. She has a political science degree.
She does something in television.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You want me to go on a date with this woman
based on the fact that she attends temple with some guy in Yonkers,
who's somehow related to the woman whose dog bit me when I was a kid.
You can't hold that horrible dog against her.
I'm not talking about the dog, Ma.
I'm talking about your insanity.
Ooh! Good shot.
[scoffs] Have you had a date since you've lived here?
I don't think this apartment is helping at all.
It's like you're living in Gollum's cave.
Okay, Ma, thanks for the dating advice. Please, just leave it. Please.
I'm not leaving New York until you call her.
You can't force me to go on a date with someone.
I call it prodding, a gentle little nudge.
Okay, I'll be back at supper time.
I need my Mace and my keys.
I'll be back. Alive. [chuckles] Hopefully.
[door closes]
Hi, is this Alison?
It's... It's... Daniel Lieberman.
My mom said I should call you.
So, Paul lives with his... Andre?
Yes, and some other people.
It's kinda great. It's sort of a group home for gays.
There's an older Wall Street guy that owns the place
and a tiny man who is very abrupt. [chuckles]
And I told Andre I was gonna cook for the whole gang tonight.
You? Cooking? That's more shocking than your son coming out.
Well, apparently he's been completely out to everybody but me.
- Honey, he just assumed you knew. - I did know.
- Well, we all knew. - No, I didn't
Why am I the last to get the memo?
[Helen] You're not. Larry is.
He had one foot out the door by the time Paul was in high school.
So, I thought, "I'm gonna let him find out by himself."
You know, his only son, it's gonna drive that closed-minded, lying dickhead crazy.
[irritable] Oh, Larry! Can we talk about something else?
[Helen] Absolutely. How is Daniel?
[Gillian] Ugh.
It's worse than I imagined, and that's never happened to me before.
- I under worry. - Hmm!
Well, all the more reason for you to leave your hotel
and move in like Helen and I did.
Yeah, I'm in a hotel, too.
What?
Yes, I know what I said. But, you know, Paul's got his plate full
and he doesn't need a house guest on top of it, you know?
So, he forgot Mother's Day. Big deal.
- Big deal? - Yeah.
What? You got me drunk and made me come here.
But, seriously?
How do you live in this town and forget Mother's Day?
Look! Mother, mom, mama, mütter, madre, maman.
[all laugh]
[Helen] This is Joseph.
Look at these cute bags. Let's go in.
No. Paul does Joseph. He did these windows.
I am so moving in with that fucker.
Hi. Are you the famous writer?
Either my mom exaggerated, or you're meeting someone else.
I'm Alison.
- Daniel. Hi. - Hello.
You write for The New Yorker. That's, um, pretty famous.
I don't write for The New Yorker.
Oh, I thought your mom said that you did write for The New Yorker.
The New Yorker published one short story of mine four years ago...
- Yay! - ...which...
resulted in a very small book deal, but as of yet, no book.
- Oh. - The rest of my work
if you can call it that is in literary journals no one's ever heard of.
- No, I might have heard of them. - No, you haven't.
Come on, tell me.
- The Willacoochee River Journal. - No. [laughs]
- It's funny, right? - You're making that up.
I wish I could make that up. Sadly, that is nonfiction.
That is my life.
My mom should talk less.
Yeah, but if your mom talked less, we wouldn't be here right now.
So, you know, thank God for your mother, right? [chuckles]
[exhales deeply]
[Alison chuckles]
[Gillian] Daniel!
[knocking at door] If you're there and you're pretending you're not,
I'm never talking to you again.
Or maybe that's what you want.
- Daniel! - [banging at door]
- [opens gate] - What?
My God! This is totally unsafe.
Oh, come on. It's open?
Come on, old girl. You still got it.
Okay.
- [slams gate shut] - [breathes heavily]
- [mice squeaking] - [squeals] Ah! Mice!
[Andre] So, you lived in New York?
Did I ever. I worked in fashion at the time.
I met Paul's father at Studio 54.
- No. - Yeah.
Fabulous.
Oh, yes, and ridiculous.
You're supposed to have sex with people you meet there.
- Do drugs with them, not marry them. - [laughs]
I think Larry fell in love with me for my looks
and just tolerated me for everything else.
Does that sound terribly vain?
Uh, look who you're talking to. I'm window dressing for a window dresser.
[chuckles]
But you two are happy?
Yeah.
[laughs] He says he'd like me
to be older or flabbier so that when he leaves for work,
he won't have to wonder if I'll be here when he gets home.
Since when is Paul so insecure?
[Andre] Mmm.
- He gets that from you. - [Helen chuckles]
You were...
[stutters] You were preoccupied
between husbands, dating, hosting charity events.
I mean, look...
you were hurt after the divorce.
Right? Lost? I get that.
But he felt a little abandoned.
- Well, he never told me that. - [door opens, closes]
[Paul] Hey.
- Hey! - [Andre] There he is.
- Hi. - Hey.
Are you cooking?
Well, yeah. Mm-hmm.
[Alison] I was falling out of love with him,
but really I thought I was falling out of love with myself, you know?
- No, not really. - Oh, okay.
Think of yourself as an egg.
Okay, why?
Because the egg is you, okay? It's your self-love, your self-worth.
You're the egg, right? So, good love presses on the ends of you,
but what happens when you press on the ends of an egg?
I don't know.
Nothing. Good love challenges the egg,
it puts pressure on the egg, but it allows the egg to stay whole.
But what does it take to turn a good love into bad love?
An expiration date.
No. No, no, no. The egg twists, okay?
That's it. Now, suddenly, the pressure is on the sides of the egg.
- Okay? And then, what happens? - We break the egg analogy?
Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles] Yes, Daniel. It breaks all right.
So, who broke your egg, Daniel?
[Erin] I waited five weeks.
- To bang your trainer? - Five weeks...
without a word.
I felt like you were happy for the chance to walk away.
I came...
to tell you that I decided.
I always thought I had to finish my novel first, or make something of my life.
Then I finally realized...
all I ever wanted was you,
and for us to be together, and...
maybe we'll...
one day have children.
And that would be the purpose of our lives.
The best thing we'd ever do.
But I was wrong.
- No. - [Alison] Daniel.
Who broke your egg?
- Okay, look... Alison. - Yep.
I’m here to get rid of my mother,
and you’re here to talk about your ex-husband.
So, why don't we just call it over easy and be done with it?
Okay, I'm going to give you an answer to that question,
even though I don’t think
you’ll understand it, and I definitely don't think you deserve it.
- You're right, I don’t deserve it. - Okay.
- You don't have to tell me. - Uh, you don't fix the egg.
It doesn’t matter who twisted it. It’s broken. And you gotta let it go.
And once you’ve truly bid that egg farewell, you’ll...
you'll find a new egg.
Thank you. That was, uh... I really just need the check right now.
I don't think I can hear about the egg anymore, I'm sorry.
All right, I was going to split the bill with you,
but now I’m not so... thank you.
- Fair. Good luck with your egg hunt. - Thank you.
Well, [chuckles]
I’m so glad we just finally get to sit down and have a meal together.
- [Paul] Mm. - And... [laughs]
did I mention that Paul has never officially come out to me?
- [chuckles] - [Helen chuckles]
Shame on you, Paul.
You know, what is this bullshit about having to come out?
It's not like straight people have to gather their families around the table
when they’re 18 and find a way to break it to them they’re heterosexual,
thank you, so... why is it any different for us?
Why can’t parents just see what they see and figure it out for themselves?
- [inhales deeply] No. - [Paul] It is not a sin.
And it is not something I need to confess.
Shut up and tell her. She deserves the truth.
Do it now! This is really good, Helen.
- [Helen] Aww. - [Paul scoffs]
- Mom. - Yeah?
I'm gay.
[gasps] You’re what? I support you and I love you!
[all cheering and clapping]
All right, kiss her already.
[gasps]
- I'm not gonna go kiss her. - [Calvin] Get up.
Walk over to your mother and kiss her the way you're supposed to.
- Kiss. - [Paul] Here I come.
Oh!
[Calvin] Beautiful.
[sighs deeply] You just made my night.
Now, all you have to do is tell your father.
Oh, I told him a long time ago.
What?
- Uh, I mean a while ago. - How long ago?
[laughs] I don’t know. A few years.
Why did you tell him and not me?
[laughs nervously] I figured you knew.
So... So, I’m punished for being perceptive?
I would like to know why he got to have the conversation and I didn't?
Mom, you just forced me to come out to three men who know I'm gay.
There's no way that this moment wasn't going to be about you.
So, maybe this is the exact reason why.
[Helen] This has nothing to do with you coming out to me.
It's just... [chuckles] It has nothing to do with that.
This is about how you treat me and your father.
I mean, is he always the one that's...
Mom, there is no you and my father. You're divorced!
There’s me and him. And there is me and you.
But there’s no you and him.
And I'm not willing to be the you and the him,
which is what you have always wanted, which is why you’re blowing up now.
There is a me and him because there’s a you.
And you... [angrily] You are just...
- You are just like him! - [Miles] Helen...
You know what? Please don’t compare me to someone you despise, Mom.
- How about that? - I gotta go make a phone call.
Oh.
[whispering] I'm gonna go ahead and take this with me.
Am I interrupting?
[Gillian] No, Daniel isn't home yet.
Oh, neither is Matt.
I feel like I’m being stood up, and all of Tribeca knows it.
Ooh! These windows!
Oh, stop complaining. I’m in a basement apartment.
All I see are cockroaches and feet.
[laughs]
I'll call you later if there are any new developments.
[Carol] All right. Good night.
Bye.
- [crying] I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry,
- There's nothing to be sorry about. - I get emotional.
I know, I know. Just give it a sec, okay?
Andre said that I ruined your life [crying]
- and you hate me for it! - That's...
Helen! No, no, no! That's... No!
- [Helen sobbing] Yeah. - No. I said...
- When I was chopping cucumbers. - That's...
I kind of said you have some abandonment issues because of her. That's all.
That's... You told me... [sighs]
- Okay. - [Helen exhales deeply]
[Helen continues crying]
Mom.
[Helen tearfully] Yeah?
Hey.
Yeah?
I love you.
Mom... I would do anything for you.
- Ah... - And you know that.
I would like to stay here for a few nights if that's all right.
- Oh, it's, um... - Oh!
- Well, there's not really a guest room. - [crying] It's okay.
[sighs]
Plague?
Ugh.
["Further" by Correatown playing]
♪ If I can't let this go ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪
♪ I won't make it another year ♪
♪ If I go all the way ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪
♪ I can see all these things Coming clear ♪
♪ If we go on like this ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪
♪ We won't make it another year ♪
♪ But if we go all the way... ♪
Matthew Walker... Dartmouth graduate.
♪ We'll finally see all these roads Coming clear ♪
♪ 'Cause we have ♪
♪ So much love ♪
♪ But we need so much more 'Cause we have ♪
♪ So much love ♪
♪ But we need so much more ♪
[music fades out]
- [elevator bell] - [door opens]
[kissing and moaning]
[girl] Something smells good.
It smelled better at 6:00.
Mom! You were supposed to be gone!
[Carol] Who said that?
I said, "Lock up when you leave."
I didn't leave yet.
Is this your, uh, girlfriend?
This is Angel.
Angel, this is Mom.
- Hi. - How long have you two been together?
A while.
- Been together about four months now. - [gasps]
[Carol] Oh, wow! Well, um, I'll make another plate.
- No. You don't need to! - Thank you, Mrs. Walker.
You don’t have to call her Mrs. Walker.
Thank you... Mom?
[chuckles]
[Angel] Wow!
[Daniel] How the hell...
Did she...
Unbelievable. She just... comes in and makes her...
No boundaries.
So, what do you do, Angel?
Hmm. I’m still in school.
Oh! Did Matt tell you that he went to Dartmouth?
[Angel] No. [chuckles] That's amazing.
Um...
I might take a year off to travel before college.
- Maybe go to Europe. - [Matt coughs]
So, you're, um...
still in high school.
You were in a bar.
- I’m 18. - You don't look it.
- Next month. [giggles] - [Carol] Seventeen.
You never said that you were 17.
You've been dating for four months. You don't know how old she is?
You forced me to lie.
You make it sound like I can’t be in a long-term relation...
- I didn't force you... - I just met her tonight, okay, Mom?
She was with friends drinking, and I paid the bill.
I didn’t go with you because you paid the bill.
He asked me to model for his magazine.
Yeah, because you said you were a model.
I am. I used to model children’s clothing.
Oh! When was that? Last year?
I think that you should go.
Would you make sure she gets into a cab, at least?
You know what? I’d love to put you both in a cab.
It was nice to meet you.
Good night, Angel.
Happy Birthday! Next month!
No!
[music]
- Hey. - [Andre] Hi.
Thank you.
I wouldn't have yelled at her if she were my mom.
- You hate your mom. - Because she yells at me.
Okay.
[exhales heavily]
- I will write her a note of apology. - [Andre] Thank you.
And I'll invite her to lunch where I’ll apologize again.
She doesn’t really hear apologies the first time through, so...
Thank you.
Oh! Do we have a cross I can nail the note to?
Please, just write the note. Please, just write it.
[dishes clinking]
Mom. Mom?
- Mom, I said I have somebody for that. - No, you said you’d do it.
- I’m sorry about last night. - Why are you sorry?
- Because it was embarrassing. - No, it wasn’t embarrassing.
Statutory rape, but let’s not argue semantics.
It's never happened to me before. I mean, 17.
- I’m not interested, Matt. - What?
If you’re going to lie, I’m not interested.
- I’m not lying. - I saw your magazine.
- It is not about sports. - I never said that it was.
You said it was a men’s magazine called All Balls.
I was supposed to think scrotum?
(A) That is not a word I need to hear out of my mother's mouth.
(And B) You are not the demographic.
Well, that much is clear. So, now I know the truth about you.
My job has nothing to do with that girl being underage. Young...
Younger than she has a right to be.
- So, how old is she, do you think? - I don’t know, Mom.
- Well, you're the editor. - I'm the art director.
I design the look and the feel of All Balls.
The magazine.
So, it reflects your taste?
It’s my job, Mom.
A job that I’m very good at.
To tailor the content to our audience.
And our audience happens to be young men, and young men like young women.
This is not a magazine for under the mattress.
We are Vanity Fair with half the brain and twice the body.
We are totally mainstream.
Well, your father and I didn’t raise you to be mainstream.
We raised you to be exceptional.
- If your father were alive... - What, he'd be disappointed?
Because, God forbid, I have to live up to his standards, right?
But he’s not here, Mom.
So, why are you still taking his side?
What are you talking about?
How come you never came to any of my basketball games?
[sighs heavily]
That was your time with your father. He was the coach. You were the star.
I still have every trophy, and you have to know how proud I was
- of every single win. - What about when we lost?
- Well, you didn’t lose very often. - No, I didn't lose very often
because according to Dad failure was not an option.
But apparently, now, it is.
- You are not a failure. - No, I know that I'm not a failure.
So, why are you still lecturing me?
I just want you to expect more from your life.
Make the most of your time on this planet.
I’m not the one who's still living in the same house.
[exhales heavily]
[knock at door]
[Daniel] Ma, did you break in to my apartment and steal my vodka?
[faster knocks at door]
Vodka?
That's crazy talk.
Hey, we were supposed to have dinner. I baked you a pie.
- I was on your date last night. - [door closes]
What? How was it?
I’d rather be bitten by the dog again.
[scoffs] I had such hopes for that girl from Yonkers.
You know, sometimes it's the second date when the magic happens.
You want to meet me at the Met after work?
[Matt] Uh, I can't.
I have a party at One Oak tonight.
A product launch for a shampoo/body wash.
- Are mothers invited? - No.
I mean, no, it's, uh...
guest list only, and you've got to RSVP.
[chuckles]
It's not even a party.
It’s work. And I shouldn’t have even said it was a party.
It's good to see you, Mom. Love you!
And if you decide to leave, just lock up.
- [elevator bell] - Like I said.
I'm not leaving.
Okay.
Look. Oh, it has little bees.
[Helen] Oh, cute. My gosh, can you imagine?
It's sort of just... What do we know about this party?
- [Carol] There’s a list, apparently. - For a shampoo?
Ugh! I feel naked.
[gasps]
[Helen] Where have you been hiding those?
I try to de-emphasize.
[Helen] Why? They’re spectacular.
Oh, is this appropriate, you think?
That dress, or crashing your son’s work party?
[scoffs] Matt brought home a girl almost half his age.
Well, Larry married a girl almost half his age. It's just what men do.
- [all laugh] - [Carol] Oh...
- [Gillian] How about these? - Mmm.
Matt, he doesn't listen to me anymore.
So, I’m trying to listen to him.
I’m trying to understand his life here, support what he wants.
Is that going too far?
No.
- That is admirable. - [Helen] Yes.
You should go to that party, and you should wear this fabulous dress.
- [chuckles] - And we should get your hair done.
- [Carol] Oh! - [Helen laughs]
That's her.
- Okay, well, is she any good? - [Gillian] I don’t know.
- [Helen] Carol it’s time. - Time for what?
- A new look. - Yeah.
Now, come on. I got to meet Paul for lunch at 1:00.
- Hi, I'm Erin. - [Gillian] Oh!
And I see you brought your girl... Oh, my gosh.
- Oh! [laughs nervously] - Mrs. Lieberman.
[stutters] How crazy.
Erin! Yes, it’s Gillian. And this is Carol and Helen.
- Hi. [chuckles] - [Carol] Hello.
- I... I know this is weird. - Yep.
And I'm sorry. But it was Carol.
- Carol wants a makeover. - No.
No, I did not say "makeover," okay? [chuckles]
Look, um, I'm going to a party tonight.
But first things first,
I need to know what is your experience with my texture of hair?
- Oh, yeah. I do all types of hair. - See?
[chuckles] You're the perfect stylist.
Perfect.
Okay.
Right? [laughs]
[Erin] Does Daniel know you’re here?
Uh, no. This is all me.
But I remember that you'd mentioned this salon
when we had brunch that one time.
Right, and then you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Jesus.
Did I?
Eek!
Oh! I'm so sorry.
Anyhoo, I just... [clears throat]
- Get Carol started. - Oh, no, no. No rush.
Let's not cut angry.
I'm sorry. Did I say that I'm sorry?
Yeah, no, three times now. So, I think we're good.
[chuckles]
Okay.
[Erin] So, Carol.
- [Carol] Yes? - Are you open to a new shape?
[Helen] She is.
Well, nothing severe.
You know, Finn always loved my hair just the way that it is, so...
Well, you have a beautiful face. We should frame your face
And I think we gotta rock these curls.
[upbeat music]
Hello!
- [Helen] That's good. - You're my first cut.
[all laugh]
Okay, put your head back.
What do you think?
[both gasp]
Oh, my gosh! If you looked any younger, Matt would date you.
- [laughs] - [Gillian] You’re a miracle worker.
- No. - Really? Was it that tired?
[all laugh]
Erin, thank you. I love it.
I just helped you be you.
[chuckles]
Look, Erin, I really have to apologize.
Again?
Yes, again. I should have tried harder before.
Listen, maybe I could take you and Daniel out to lunch,
or maybe you could do my hair?
Now, you volunteer. Thank you.
No, I'm actually moving next week.
What? Why? Where?
My friend has a salon in Los Angeles, so, I’m gonna try the other coast.
But it was so good to see you again. And enjoy your party, Carol.
[laughs] Well, how can I not now?
- Thank you. - Nice to meet you, Erin.
How is he?
He's, uh...
Yeah, well, you know, been better.
With you...
he was better.
Till I broke his heart.
But he broke mine first.
So, we’re even.
He did.
One thing I do know,
the problem is not that I meddled, it's that I should've meddled sooner.
Mm-mmm. I wouldn’t tell him that.
- [chuckles] - There’s Paul. There's Paul.
Look at him. He's so handsome.
We're not even here. Go enjoy your apology.
- [Helen] Hi. - [Carol] I don't want him to see us.
[Gillian] We're middle-aged women in Manhattan. We're practically invisible.
[Helen chuckles] Oh.
Thank you.
- You were so thoughtful with the note. - Oh.
Was that Andre's idea?
[sighs]
- Excuse me. - Yes?
I'm gonna have what she's having. Without the taunting. [laughs]
Listen, I'm...
really sorry I attacked you last night about Dad.
Yeah. Okay.
- Yes. - Sorry.
Um...
it's just not my problem if you can't let go.
Oh, I usually get the fish.
[Carol] Aww.
- So... - What do you mean I can't let go?
I'm just saying that's the issue.
[chuckles] Well, you’re absolutely wrong.
I am happily married to someone I am in love with.
I will believe anything you tell me.
Please stop patronizing me. Thank you.
- [waitress] Enjoy. - Thanks.
I’m not patronizing. I’m apologizing.
So, accusing me of having a sham marriage is what you call an apology?
I’m not accusing you of anything.
- I’m just trying to apologize. - [chuckles]
You know, it's what you always do.
You always make some outrageous accusation
and then you act as if I’m being hypersensitive
to notice that you’ve said it.
- Ahh. - [Paul] It's a tiny observation.
It's something that was obvious to me.
Mom, if I was wrong, you wouldn't be so upset.
Mom! Oh, my...
- We should go. - [Paul] Don't...
- [exhales heavily] - [Gillian] We should go!
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Carol Walker?
Oh. [chuckles] Oh.
Gillian Lieberman.
I don’t know why she didn’t tell you that we're in town,
but I certainly wouldn't use the word "conspiracy."
[Helen] My feelings, or lack of them, toward my husband and my ex-husband,
- are really none of your business. - I didn't say they were.
- That was meant for me. - Oh.
And you have no place speculating
on what I may or may not be thinking or feeling,
Especially when your speculations are inaccurate and deeply hurtful.
You are absolutely right.
Subject closed.
- [Paul] Thank God. - Yeah.
I think Carol and I should get going now.
Well, there's one more thing I wanted to tell you.
Just... get everything out on the table.
Didn't want you to hear it from somebody else or somebody else's son.
Or if I even needed to tell you 'cause it doesn't really involve you.
Just, come on, spit it out. [chuckles]
I... might not...
have children of my own.
That much I figured.
Gay people have children all the time, Mom.
- Do you want children? - No, I do not.
The point is that gay men have...
sperm, and lesbians have wombs and we don’t need straight people
- to tell us what we can or can’t do. - What?
This is why I didn’t tell you.
You are too young to make a decision like this.
- A decision like what? - Two mommies and a sperm-daddy.
- Right? - Mom, what I’m saying is...
if I lent my sperm to two women that I knew and trusted,
then I would know that the child would be loved and cared for...
Are you saying you weren't loved? Are you trying to make me feel guilty?
This has nothing to do with you.
- This is about me! - And the gift you're giving your friends?
Yes. The gift I am giving my friends, which I feel good about
because I love them, and they love the baby.
- [gasps] - [gasps]
[gasps] Oh.
- [Helen] Did he say "baby"? - You have a baby?
There's a baby?
What did you think we were talking about?
[raised voice] Sperm! I thought we were talking about sperm!
A baby takes nine months. You've kept this from me for nine months?
- Mom, the more of a scene... - This has been a lovely lunch,
even though we didn’t have lunch. So don't get up.
Please, just sit there and have more... not your children,
so I can have more not my grandchildren
And we can get together for the holidays
and have one big, not-happy, not-a-family,
because I’m not a mother anymore, I’m an other.
- And now I am not a grandmother... - What is...
...I’m a grand-other!
- [Gillian] Helen, sweetie. - Your hair looks very nice, Carol.
Well, thank you, Paul.
But that was not an apology.
[Carol] Helen!
[Helen crying]
I thought you didn’t want to be a grandmother.
[crying] Well, I just don't want things to be taken away from me.
I mean,
now someone else gets my grandchild.
Just like someone else got my husband.
How did this become about Larry?
Because divorce is not fair.
Divorce is great for men. They get someone younger,
thinner, better,
[stutters] and women get someone older and fatter with thinner hair!
- [phone beeps] - Sure.
[Gillian] I got a text from Daniel.
"Stop calling me." Ugh.
What should I reply?
Please, don’t reply.
Let's just...
Let's just go home before we do any more damage.
[Gillian] No. Carol.
You and your boobs are going out. And I don’t mean me and Helen.
Yeah. Carol, you go out and have fun.
[tearfully] I wish Larry had died on me, too.
You should think more about what you say
and less about what you feel.
So sorry.
[tearfully] What did I say?
- What? - Really?
- [muffled techno music] - [indistinct chatter]
Oh, hi. Excuse me.
Um...
I'm a guest of Matt Walker.
Do you have him on the list?
He's All Balls.
Uh, the magazine.
- It's a magazine. - Yeah. I know Matt.
Uh, he's already checked in. He doesn't have a plus one.
Oh! I'm his mother. Carol Walker.
I have a driver's license. [chuckles] [squeals]
- Um, there. - [hostess] Oh.
Oh! And a picture of Matt in the tub when he was three.
Ah! Does he have a woody?
[gasps] Oh, no! That's a toy boat.
Oh, my God.
[camera clicks]
- [Carol chuckles] - It's for Instagram.
Oh!
She's good.
["Like An Animal" by Rüfüs Du Sol]
♪ How long Have I been on a hunt for you? ♪
♪ No sound ♪
♪ Of anything that I can do ♪
♪ But I don't mind ♪
♪ I don't mind 'Cause there's nothing left to lose ♪
♪ For the first time ♪
♪ The first time I'm calling out for you ♪
Okay.
♪ Like an animal ♪
Excuse me. Excuse me.
♪ And I'm coming home ♪
♪ I'm coming home for you... ♪
[shouts]
[nervously] Ohh! I ruined your dress. I'm so sorry.
- I never liked this dress. - Oh, it's all my fault.
I was running from my son.
- I'm Julia. - [Carol groaning]
Carol. Walker.
Why are you running from your son?
He told me I couldn't come.
- That's not nice. - Oh, maybe it was.
Maybe he knew everyone here would be 30 years younger,
and I would feel like the last dinosaur. [chuckles]
- Well, thank you, Damon. Thank you. - [Damon] You're very welcome.
[sighs] Damon, Damon, Damon. [giggles]
Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Would a grandma wear these?
No. Especially not to bed.
We are not going to bed, we are going clubbing.
I didn’t go clubbing when I was supposed to go clubbing.
Would we even get into a club?
Well, I didn’t think I’d get into these jeans and look at me now.
- [Gillian] Can you breathe? - [Helen] Sporadically.
[Helen laughing] Come on. Let's go downstairs.
This hotel is supposed to be a huge party scene.
Just call for a bellboy.
One's more gorgeous than the next, and they come to you.
I know. You’ve called for ice twice.
Just fuck one of them already.
What? I'm thirsty.
Come on, we are in New York City. Let's go.
[Gillian] Okay. Let me take a shower.
Yes!
I think this might be him.
Is he the most handsome guy in the room?
He's got swagger.
["Rockabye" by Clean Bandit playing in background]
That's him. [chuckles]
I can’t talk to him right now.
Matt... has never seen me drunk.
[chuckles]
So, tell me more about this non-profit that you're working with.
It's called micro lending.
We provide small loans for the world's poorest of the poor.
Mostly women. So they can work their own way out of poverty.
I want you to give my son a child. [laughs]
Oh!
Matt, he may seem vain and superficial,
and so afraid of any real emotion that it makes you cry.
But he's basically good.
He has it in him to be a really good man.
I need you to show him how to be that man.
I think we should get you home.
[gasps] Let's dance.
I used to love to dance.
[hip hop music]
Matt's dad used to take me dancing.
He's dead now. That's why he stopped.
- [Matt] Mom! - [gasps]
What are you...
What is all this? What happened to your hair?
And mom, you did not have those this morning.
Oh, Matt...
I’m in love with Julia! [laughs]
I love her. I think you might, too.
Okay, let go of her hand. She is my mother.
Dancing does not make you a lesbian.
Your dad liked lesbians, by the way.
I found his videos after he died.
Please, please, stop talking. And dancing.
Let's... You know what? Let's just get you into a cab.
You get into a cab! I’m having dessert.
Ohh! I might stay out all night.
I may drink from a shoe.
I was a girl before I was your mother.
All right, does this outfit work? I mean outside of Poughkeepsie.
[Helen snoring]
- [Gillian sighs] - [phone rings]
- Hey. - [Carol] Gillian, oh!
I need my friends.
- He barely recognized me. - [Gillian] Because of your new look?
No! Because I was having fun!
- That’s what we were supposed to do. - You passed out.
By the way, you have incredible new beauty products.
Yeah. It’s all anti-aging.
Why is everyone anti-aging?
You know what’s anti-aging? Death.
Let's be happy we're aging.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
[Carol] By the way,
do you know how long it’s been since I have had...
Sex?
I was gonna say pizza.
Oh. [chuckles]
Oh.
[moaning]
- Wow. - [all laugh]
I’m not going home tonight.
I mean, Matt's home.
I'm on vacation.
- So, we’re done with the mission? - [Carol] Mm, we have a new mission.
Dance till dawn.
[laughs]
Did we fail the first mission?
- Fuck the first mission! - [Gillian] What about the boys?
Fuck the boys!
- [laughs] - Wow!
- [Helen] Man, I love the new Carol! Yes! - [Gillian laughing]
[all three screaming and cheering]
["Just Our Style" playing]
♪ Hey, ah huh, ah huh ♪
♪ Heartbeat, rewind Turned up, amplified ♪
♪ We can do it how we like Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Bang bang, young drunk Cheap thrills, big love ♪
♪ Do what makes us feel alive ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Everybody now here we go Oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Like a super sonic boom Love the way we're coming through... ♪
One more.
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ And we're shooting for the sky Living young and running wild ♪
♪ That's just our style ♪
[Helen] Get it, girl. Get it!
- One, two, three. - [laughing loudly]
♪ Black west, sparks fly Light the fuse, electrify ♪
♪ We can do it how we like Whoa, oh, oh... ♪
- [screams] - [whoops]
♪ Everybody now here we go Oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Like a super sonic boom Love the way... ♪
[all laughing and screaming]
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ And we're shooting for the sky Living young and running wild ♪
♪ That's just our style Oh, oh ♪
[indistinct chattering and laughter]
♪ That's just our style Hey ♪
[knock at door]
- [knocking continues] - Yeah.
Oh, it's you.
[sighs]
Your mother left this in the cab.
Thank you.
Do you know where she is?
Sleeping. It's early.
- Is she? - Isn't she?
This isn't where I dropped her.
I got your address from her phone.
Mom?
Okay, where did you drop her?
At a pizza place in the Village. She was meeting friends.
She doesn't eat pizza.
And she doesn't have any friends in the Village.
And the hair, and the dress. Like she...
wanted people to look at her. That's not my mother.
Okay, she doesn't even like dancing.
She loves to dance.
[phone ringing]
Right.
Uh, my name and number are on a napkin in the phone case.
- I'd like to know she's okay. - [elevator bell]
[elevator door opens]
[Matt] Wait. Hey. Hi, Mrs. B.
Julia.
Look, thanks. That was...
That was nice.
Great photo on Instagram, by the way.
What?
[knock at door]
[groans]
Is that someone knocking?
- Or is it just my head pounding? - [knocking continues]
- [Helen] You go, Gill. Go. - Why me?
Okay.
What is it?
- Hey, Mom. - Daniel.
- Excuse me. - What?
Matt?
- They're here. [sighs] - Yeah.
- Mom! - [Carol] Hmm.
- Mom! - [gasps]
Is this why you couldn't make a call, hmm? Your new friend dropped this off.
- [groans] - We were worried sick.
- Did I invite any of you in? - Did we invite any of you to New York?
Could everyone just please stop shouting? I have a hangover.
Aww. Yeah, Mom, that's what happens when you get drunk at my work party.
And now there is a naked picture of me on Instagram.
- I had nothing to do with a naked picture. - In the tub.
Oh, yeah, well, I just showed one person.
[Helen] We’re allowed to be in New York.
I had no idea where you were last night.
I had no idea I had a grandchild, so we’re even.
I told her.
See, Paul talks to his mom. Why did you break up with Erin?
Ma, yesterday you told me you were checking out.
Why are you still here again?
- Wait, hang on. You’ve been in a hotel? - Why? Is that a crime?
Why didn’t you stay in a hotel?
Well, Helen and Gillian wouldn't let me.
Why? What’s wrong with a hotel?
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with this one. The security stinks.
Would you put on a robe at least?
What do you care? You’re gay. Here.
You know what? I'm gay, not blind.
Okay, Matt. I’ll see you at home.
Your home is in Poughkeepsie!
- That's not nice. - [Matt] I'm sorry.
- Ugh. - Bye, Ma.
- I wanted to see those since I was ten. - Those are some nice titties.
Can we not talk about my mom's breasts? .[Daniel] She's a lovely lady.
- [Matt] Let's talk about going to lunch. - How about we...
talk about Woody Walker?
- [Paul] Oh, my God. - [Daniel]You should be proud.
- It was a toy boat! - A penis-shaped toy boat?
- Seventy-thousand likes? - Oh, let me see that.
I am so mad at her.
Just breathe. Stop.
I forgive you.
Okay, good.
Did you tell Larry he has a grandchild?
I’m gonna go to the store. [clears throat]
Yes. And he respected my decision.
I'm sure he did.
It does not matter anyway, Mom.
Dad does not have a grandchild.
- You do not have a grandchild. - I know.
I do not have a daughter. This was sperm only.
Oh, Paul, it's a girl?
[elevator bell]
[Carol] I'm going home.
I shouldn't have come.
Well, what did you think was going to happen, Ma?
I thought you wouldn't let me in.
That was an option?
You’re popular.
You're successful.
Mom, you're making it sound so depressing.
No. This is what’s supposed to happen to children.
You’re fully independent.
Mom, why does it feel like we’re breaking up?
Matthew, I need to tell you something.
Your dad didn’t want me at your games. That’s why I didn’t go.
I thought he drove you too hard. And we would argue about it,
and finally he said, "Well, stop coming if it bothers you."
And so I did.
And then all the trophies started rolling in
and I thought he was right and I was wrong.
And now it turns out that I was right.
And what's so ironic is that...
you did need me then, and you don’t need me now.
[stammers] I'm fine.
Right? I turned out fine, right?
Matthew...
you know who you are without me.
I need to figure out who I am without you.
[sighs]
So, apparently, the one who didn't carry the baby
is saying that her mother is the daddy granny.
So... [grunts] I'm not anything.
And they even had the gall to tell Paul
they didn’t want me to even see Ella.
- Well, what changed their mind? - [Helen] Nothing.
And you know what is most unfair? I always wanted a girl.
Larry was one and done, but I would’ve had three if we...
Wait, why are we here if you can’t see the kid?
I could be hijacking Erin’s moving van right now.
- It’s not a perfect plan, but it’s a plan. - I thought we were going home.
Yeah, we are. We’re just stopping in Cobble Hill first.
I convinced Paul to give me the address, and I don’t want to show up empty-handed.
Well, we weren’t wanted by our sons. That didn’t stop us.
Yeah, I am so tired of being stopped.
Larry said if it meant so much to me to have a girl, I should’ve had twins.
Larry, Larry, Larry! Enough with Larry!
We never want to hear his name again. We never even liked him.
Look, you’ve been divorced from that idiot for 11 years.
You still talk about him in the present tense.
You're wasting a good marriage,
because you refuse to let go of a bad one.
What about baby yoga mats?
Are you jealous? Is that what this is about?
- What? - You’re jealous
that I’m the one that has a grandchild.
Helen, we are thrilled that you get to meet Ella today.
I think what Gillian is trying to say
is that you have something special in Frank.
The way he looks at you, the way he talks about you.
You have no idea how fortunate you are to have Frank instead of Larry.
We're not jealous of you. Paul went in a room and jerked off.
If that makes you a grandmother, then we're all grandmothers.
Let's stop, all right? We have already pissed off our sons.
We are all that we have left.
Jealous? Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you, Helen?
Okay. Okay.
I'm gonna tell you what’s wrong.
And it has been brewing for 11 years.
You know why I divorced Larry, right?
[Carol] Yeah. He cheated on you.
Yeah. It was that year our husbands went on that fishing trip to the Berkshires.
Okay, Helen. You win.
And Larry had a fuck buddy up there and I found out about it.
And I had the courage and the self-dignity to leave.
He was paying her rent from Paul's college fund.
She was an anorexic blonde vegan.
And she had a friend for Gillian’s husband.
Joel cheated on Gillian just like Larry cheated on me,
but she forgave him!
I don’t expect you to understand why I forgave Joel.
Because the only person you’ve ever truly loved is yourself.
Not Larry,
and not Frank, and not Carol, or me, or...
your new sperm-daughter. [raised voice] Not even your own son!
The only person you ever loved was you.
Okay. Well, if you are so much better at loving,
then why is your son the one who’s broke, depressed, and jobless?
Hmm? I’ll tell you why.
Because you sabotaged his chance at happiness.
That is bullshit, and you know it.
Is it? He had a ring.
But you, you planted so many doubts.
Not just about Erin, but about himself.
So that when he finally had the balls to propose,
he caught Erin schtupping her trainer.
I think Daniel would have mentioned...
He didn’t want to give you the satisfaction.
You hated Erin until ten minutes ago. Paul told me.
Did you know about this?
I think Matt mentioned something once about a ring.
Helen, about that fishing trip...
- Carol, let's just go now. - And Paul jerked off to create a person.
Helen, in the Berkshires...
did the vegan have someone for Finn?
I’m sorry. She was full of friends.
[exhales heavily]
All this time...
and neither of you said anything to me.
And I thought we were friends.
Oh, fuck.
You’re taking a train home.
Oh... Please, don't leave.
You guys, I'm sorry. Carol, I'm sorry! Gillian, wait! Don't leave!
[whimpering] Oh, that was bad!!
[sighs]
[chuckles]
[knock at door]
[Gillian] Open the door or I'm gonna start singing.
Do you need directions home? I can show you how to Waze.
I don't want the government tracking me.
- Would it kill you to answer your phone? - I've been working.
- On what? - My novel.
- [sighs] - I finally got inspired.
It’s about an overbearing mother. It’s called Baking and Entering.
Daniel, this is important.
Do you still have the ring?
What ring?
The one you were planning on giving Erin.
Honey, why didn't you say anything?
Well, you never liked her anyway, Ma. So, what's the difference?
Wha... Well, what do I know? I’m just some weird internet stalker.
And I was wrong.
I always wondered what it'd be like to hear you say those words.
And is it turns out, you were actually right. So...
No.
She's a lovely woman, and you're a lovely man.
So, if you have that ring,
and if she is the love of your life,
then do something before it is too late.
Because for all you know, she might be packing her bags and leaving town...
or something.
I love you. You're a grown man.
I just hope you do what is best for your life and your future.
Did you see her somewhere or something?
- Ma, wait. - [door opens]
Mom, did you break in to her place, too?
Is there a reason you're following me?
- Paul said you wouldn’t listen to us. - [baby starts crying]
It's okay, honey. It's okay.
What is it that you want?
I...
I don't want... anything.
I'm not asking for anything.
I'm just saying what I am.
A grandmother.
She has grandmothers.
[stammers] I brought...
a few...
hundred gifts.
Look, we talked about this before the birth.
We adore Paul. We do, and we want Ella to know Paul.
We hope she gets some of his great qualities. That’s why we chose him.
But he's not the dad.
He's a sperm donor.
Okay, we all agreed. We signed papers.
But...
now that I have her...
and now that I know what it feels like...
when she has a baby, if...
she has a baby...
if I couldn’t see that baby...
I’d probably chase that baby all over the city, too.
[baby fusses]
Aww, it's okay, honey.
[Helen gasps]
She looks just like Paul did.
Would you like to hold her?
- Say hi. - Hi.
[Helen] Aww.
Hi.
- Hi. - That's a good girl.
I want to be a good grandmother.
Not a bad one.
[sighs]
Honey, five weeks is not late.
Five weeks is abandonment.
Sounds like she waited a long time for you.
All right, Ma. You know what?
You and Dad have, like, your perfect story, so, you wouldn't...
No. There is no perfect story.
In fact...
years ago, your father had an infidelity.
Before I was born or after?
You were 16.
How did you forgive him?
It wasn't easy.
I went crazy for a little while. I went on this...
facacta five-week egg diet. You remember? [laughs]
Yes, I do. You were, like, you wanted chickens or something.
- Yeah. - A chicken coop?
[Gillian] Ah!
But, I realized...
I still wanted your dad.
And I decided to do the harder thing instead.
But I think what really...
made it possible for me to forgive him
was...
he never fully forgave himself.
Mom, I really admire you.
And I get why you're sharing this story with me.
I just don't think I'm built like that.
Hmm.
[sighs heavily] This is your life.
This big, bruised, bloody, beautiful thing.
This is your life. I'm not going to tell you what to do.
Since when?
Since today.
- Okay. - Daniel, hey.
You have been under the water for a long time.
But when you come up,
you need to decide what life you want.
You got this.
I love you.
Ma?
I think I'm locked out of my apartment.
[Gillian] Use the window. That's what I do.
I'm out!
[sighs]
- [exhales deeply] - [glasses bang on table]
[exhales]
[grunts]
Hi.
You're back.
[bags bang on floor]
[Frank] Oh, what's the matter, sweetheart?
You and Paul have a fight?
Oh, several.
And Gillian. And Carol.
We didn't even drive back together.
Everyone is... [sighs]
sick of me. And so am I.
Frank, why did you marry me?
[Frank chuckles]
Well, I think what everybody wonders is why you married me.
No, really.
Why?
You're kind.
And you're smart, you're funny as hell.
You have a lot of love to give.
- [softly] I do, right? - Yes.
And you’re opinionated and passionate.
And sometimes you have sharp edges and I like that.
You tell it like it is.
My...
looks?
Oh, you think I married you for your personality?
[Helen laughs]
- [chuckles] - You come in a very...
beautiful package.
But that’s not all there is to Helen Halston.
- I am so lucky. - Oh.
I'm so...
- [Helen moans] - [Frank chuckles]
Oh... Oh, really?
- Yes. We're doing it. - [Helen giggles]
[indistinct chatter]
Thanks for coming.
Your texts wore me down.
Did you bring a pen?
[doorbell rings]
- [gasps] - [delivery guy] Hey, Mrs. Walker.
More flowers.
Oh, it must be some mistake. I didn't order any flowers.
Oh, uh, there's a note with them.
- [Matt] Her favorite flower is an iris. - [chuckles, grunts]
Well, thank you, Shawn.
And I know that because she told me.
When she asked me for the ten things I know about her.
Then, you can't use it.
What? Yes, I can. It's a freebie.
If you can't think of ten things you know about your mother
without one of them being something that she flat-out told you,
- then you're a shitty son. - [chuckles] I'm not a shitty son.
Then think about why you love her and write it down.
[Matt sighs]
[Matt] I know she loved my father. And he wasn't that lovable.
He was always working.
Even when we played, it was work.
And my mom was the one who taught me how to have fun.
[chuckles] When I was a kid, she used to... [inhales]
read me these bedtime stories and...
she'd pretend there was one more page.
[chuckles] And we'd make up a new ending.
- Write that down. - Oh? Yeah.
Well, she did a lot of art when I was a kid.
Pen and ink note cards,
oil paintings from photographs.
This one time she did this...
great mural on my wall.
One: You loved my father.
[exhales]
Two: You taught me how to have fun.
[chuckles]
Three: You could have been an artist.
Number four, she thinks you're a good person.
[chuckles]
- No, she doesn't. - She told me.
She told you that she thinks that I'm good?
You can write she's the only person in the world who thinks you're good.
I never knew that she thought that.
Four: You're the only person in the world who thinks I'm good.
Five: You made me feel loved and safe.
Six: You cut up fruit for my snacks even when I begged for junk food.
[laughs]
[Matt] Seven: You still call me, even when I ignore you.
Thank you.
Eight:
The only times I've ever seen you angry
are times you deserved to be angrier.
Nine:
You love to dance.
- [chuckles] - [Matt] Ten:
You're my mother.
Eleven:
You taught me there is room in every story...
for a better ending.
Erin!
- [van engine starts] - Erin!
[shouts] Erin!
Erin!
[shouts] Erin! Wait up!
I really... [panting] I need to...
- get to the gym more often. - What are you doing? [chuckles]
- What are you doing? - I’m moving to LA.
Well... [breathing heavily]
- can I talk to you first? - About what?
About us.
Oh, my... [chuckles] It's too late, Daniel. My whole life is in this truck.
That’s funny. I was just thinking the same thing.
You’re not going to stop me.
Okay.
Can we talk on the way?
- You don't have anything to do? - Please.
- You're gonna drive me to LA? - I'm coming to LA.
- I'm coming with you. - [cars honking]
Coming to LA...
- [Daniel shouts] I'm sorry. - Sorry!
- I'm sorry. - [cars continue honking]
I'm sorry, too.
[car honking]
[Erin] Do you know how to drive one of these?
[Daniel] I don't know what I'm doing.
[inspirational orchestral music]
- Hey, where you going? - [girl laughing]
I swear she looks like both of you.
To be honest, we think she looks like your mother.
- Uh, acts like it. - [ladies laugh]
- Oh, my goodness! - [Andre] Speak of the devil.
- Or angel, depending who you ask. - Who's that?
Oh, grandma loves Ella!
- [Paul] Look who it is! - [Ella] Grandma!
[Helen] And you.
- And you. And you, - Hi.
[kiss] And you!
[Gillian and Erin chuckle]
[Gillian] Well, this is kind of a complicated garment, isn't it?
[Daniel] My mother's at her son's semi Jewish wedding
- and she's still complaining. - [Erin] Okay.
You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding.
I know, but we broke a few rules already. I think we can break one more.
- Well, he's got a point. We can. - [Gillian laughs]
Ahh!
Thanks, Ma.
For everything.
No one's going to notice.
[both chuckle]
There's just one little thing, though.
Uh... it's too late for a thing.
I know. I know, but this is a really important thing.
I think we should rehearse the kiss again.
- [Erin laughs] - [Daniel chuckles]
[indistinct party chatter]
I'm still so angry I can barely stand to look at you.
I know. Thank you for the invitation.
I invited Frank. You’re his plus one.
- Did you get my messages? - Yeah, about 20 of them.
- Did you get my texts? - Uh-huh. "Stop calling me."
You know...
I am kind of responsible for this whole wedding,
I mean, if we hadn’t gone to New York...
[Gillian chuckles]
So, now, we’re considering that trip a success?
Well, look at where we are.
And Carol's in Italy.
She didn’t even RSVP.
She’s probably too busy painting, eating pizza,
- taking Italian lovers. - [laughs] Oh!
I’m sure she’s miserable since she sold that house.
[Gillian] Hmm.
[car honks]
Don’t start the wedding without us!
- [both gasp] - [Gillian squeals]
I knew she would come! I missed her so much more than I missed you.
Same here. Only double.
Oh, it’s just his date.
She’s too old to be his date. She’s, like, his age.
- [Helen gasps] - [Gillian screams]
[Helen screams] Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! - [both screaming]
[Gillian] Yes!
[Helen] Oh!
I heard there was cake.
You don’t call, you don’t write.
- Oh, we missed you so much! - Oh...
You look so glamorous.
[laughs]
By the way, I brought Bourbon.
- [Carol] Oh. - [Gillian] Oh, no!
- Not again. - [Carol] Of course she did.
["Just Our Style" playing]
♪ Hey, ah huh, ah huh ♪
♪ Heartbeat, rewind Turned up, amplified ♪
♪ We can do it how we like ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Bang bang, young drunk ♪
♪ Cheap thrills, big love Do what makes us feel alive ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Everybody now here we go Oh, oh, hey ♪
♪ Everybody now here we go Oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Like a super sonic boom Love the way we're coming through ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ And we're shooting for the sky Living young and running wild ♪
♪ That's just our style Whoa, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh Hey ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh That's just our style ♪
♪ Whoa, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh Hey ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh That's just our style ♪
♪ Hey, ah huh, ah huh ♪
♪ Black west, sparks fly Light the fuse, electrify ♪
♪ We can do it how we like Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Everybody now here we go Oh, oh, hey ♪
♪ Everybody now here we go Oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Like a super sonic boom Love the way we're coming through ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ And we're shooting for the sky We'll be young and running wild ♪
♪ That's just our style Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, hey Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ That's just our style Whoa, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, hey ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh That's just our style ♪
♪ Whoa, oh Whoa, oh, hey ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh That's just our style ♪
["These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" starts playing]
[cheering and laughing]
[women start singing]
♪ You keep saying You got something for me ♪
♪ Something you call love But confess ♪
♪ Well, you've been a'messin' where you shouldn't've been a'messin' ♪
[Carol] You're driving.
♪ And now someone else Is getting all your best ♪
♪ These boots are made for walking ♪
♪ And that's just what they'll do ♪
♪ And one of these days these boots Are gonna walk all over you ♪
[women scream]
♪ You keep lyin' When you oughta be truthin' ♪
[Carol screams]
♪ You keep losin' When you oughta not bet ♪
♪ You keep samin' When you oughta be a'changin' ♪
♪ Now what's right is right But you ain't been right yet ♪
[Carol] All right.
♪ These boots are made for walking And that's just what they'll do ♪
[Carol] I love to dance.
♪ One of these days these boots Are gonna walk all over you ♪
[all women ooh and ahh]
[Carol] Get out the car!
♪ You keep playing Where you shouldn't be playing ♪
♪ And you keep thinking That you'll never get burnt ♪
♪ I just found me A brand new box of matches ♪
♪ And what he knows You ain't had time to learn ♪
♪ These boots are made for walking ♪
♪ And that's just what they'll do ♪
♪ One of these days these boots Are gonna walk all over you ♪
♪ Are you ready, boots? Start walkin' ♪
♪ A'walkin' ♪
[everybody cheering]