1
00:00:05,104 --> 00:00:06,438
Five continents.

2
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:08,007
12 countries.

3
00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:09,508
19 cities.

4
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:10,976
50,000 miles.

5
00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:12,044
Five characters.

6
00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:13,312
One dead terrorist.

7
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:14,380
We're all over the map.

8
00:00:14,876 --> 00:00:19,345
Jeff Dunham
All Over The Map

9
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:23,055
<i>Hey, guys.</i>

10
00:00:23,073 --> 00:00:26,058
I just completed the longest
and biggest tour I've ever been on

11
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:28,427
And I couldn't have done
it without my wife Audrey,

12
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:31,263
who's travelled everywhere, or
without my friend Jeff Rothpan,

13
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:34,566
who's never travelled further
than his own mailbox.

14
00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:37,069
Was I little concerned about
doing shows in the Far East,

15
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,804
and Africa, and the Middle East?

16
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:39,588
No..

17
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,240
I was a lot concerned.

18
00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:46,779
But the adventures
all began in Iceland.

19
00:00:46,979 --> 00:00:59,979
Subtitles by: <font color=#FF8000>Exclusive</font>
pappu.innocent@gmail.com

20
00:01:00,146 --> 00:01:01,947
Walter, I'm just impressed
that all these folks

21
00:01:02,075 --> 00:01:03,281
came out for our show tonight?

22
00:01:03,349 --> 00:01:04,149
-Well, don't be?
Why?

23
00:01:04,284 --> 00:01:05,284
-Well, it's Iceland.

24
00:01:05,351 --> 00:01:06,401
It's not you or us.

25
00:01:06,419 --> 00:01:08,153
There's nothing else to do here.

26
00:01:08,421 --> 00:01:10,423
[Laughter]

27
00:01:10,623 --> 00:01:13,023
I know you read up on Iceland
a little bit before we came back

28
00:01:13,025 --> 00:01:13,823
Oh Yeah. Yeah.

29
00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:14,823
What did you read about?

30
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,753
Well, I read...
The volcanoes..

31
00:01:16,953 --> 00:01:19,553
You read about that?
Oh yeah it's great..

32
00:01:20,353 --> 00:01:22,856
Imagine something that
can erupt at any second

33
00:01:22,858 --> 00:01:25,816
and destroy everything in its path

34
00:01:26,016 --> 00:01:26,626
Yup..

35
00:01:26,816 --> 00:01:28,049
I'll be darn
Why?

36
00:01:28,050 --> 00:01:30,199
I married a volcano

37
00:01:38,263 --> 00:01:40,464
-You know that Iceland has
one of the highest life

38
00:01:40,532 --> 00:01:42,866
expectancies in
the entire world?

39
00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:43,867
-I did not know that.

40
00:01:43,935 --> 00:01:44,735
-Especially women.

41
00:01:44,803 --> 00:01:45,269
-Yeah?

42
00:01:45,337 --> 00:01:46,670
-Yeah, here a woman's
average lifespan

43
00:01:46,738 --> 00:01:48,539
is 90 to 100 years.

44
00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:55,544
-Send my wife home immediately.

45
00:01:57,248 --> 00:01:57,981
What is this?

46
00:01:58,049 --> 00:01:58,715
Hell on earth?

47
00:02:02,019 --> 00:02:03,754
All right.
-How do you like the food here?

48
00:02:03,822 --> 00:02:06,590
-Oh, very funny.
What?

49
00:02:06,658 --> 00:02:08,859
I tried some of that--
what do you called that?

50
00:02:08,887 --> 00:02:11,628
Hakharl hacaral hakaral.

51
00:02:14,666 --> 00:02:17,164
You cannot speak Icelandic
without moving your lips,

52
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,134
I'm telling you.

53
00:02:21,372 --> 00:02:22,039
Think of that.

54
00:02:22,047 --> 00:02:25,408
There's no Icelandic
ventriloquist ever.

55
00:02:28,346 --> 00:02:32,116
I will say, though, I think the thieves
uh.. folks of Iceland are geniuses.

56
00:02:32,183 --> 00:02:32,817
-How's that?

57
00:02:33,024 --> 00:02:34,451
-They know how to
keep it from getting

58
00:02:34,519 --> 00:02:36,120
overcrowded with foreigners.

59
00:02:36,187 --> 00:02:37,187
-How's that?

60
00:02:37,255 --> 00:02:38,933
-Simply by naming the place..

61
00:02:38,943 --> 00:02:41,458
Iceland.

62
00:02:41,526 --> 00:02:44,928
It sounds like you'll
freeze your ass off.

63
00:02:44,996 --> 00:02:46,575
Plus it's easier to say than

64
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:51,768
"The dark long winter land
where the weather is Shit."

65
00:02:51,836 --> 00:02:55,572
We're morons for naming our
country the United States.

66
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,307
Sounds way too welcoming.

67
00:02:57,375 --> 00:02:58,882
We should've called our country:

68
00:02:58,892 --> 00:03:00,082
"Crazy Assholes with guns."

69
00:03:00,645 --> 00:03:02,045
[Laughter]

70
00:03:02,113 --> 00:03:04,581
[Applause]

71
00:03:04,649 --> 00:03:06,617
Did you get a chance
to go to a volcano?

72
00:03:06,684 --> 00:03:07,851
Oh, yes I did.

73
00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:08,685
Did you take your wife?

74
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:09,486
Yes, I did.

75
00:03:09,554 --> 00:03:10,421
What'd she think?

76
00:03:10,488 --> 00:03:12,556
She kept saying the
same thing over and over.

77
00:03:12,624 --> 00:03:13,357
What?

78
00:03:13,424 --> 00:03:15,092
Stop trying to push me in.

79
00:03:18,022 --> 00:03:21,102
On another subject did you know
that strip clubs are also illegal here?

80
00:03:21,122 --> 00:03:22,442
Really?
Right..

81
00:03:22,642 --> 00:03:24,078
So if I wanna see a naked woman

82
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,278
I'd have to a six hour flight to
Scotland?

83
00:03:28,258 --> 00:03:29,778
Or, There is your wife

84
00:03:29,978 --> 00:03:32,078
Oh that's true. In Iceland its
legal to ...

85
00:03:32,092 --> 00:03:33,178
Whale hunt

86
00:03:35,678 --> 00:03:37,866
That's not nice

87
00:03:49,216 --> 00:03:52,409
So I do an interview with the
Nancy Grace of Iceland

88
00:03:52,429 --> 00:03:54,509
Tough penetrating questions.

89
00:03:59,009 --> 00:04:02,509
How do we face criticism?
We don't care..

90
00:04:05,009 --> 00:04:08,509
Good thing we had to hold our own
microphone. This place is on a budget

91
00:04:12,009 --> 00:04:15,127
Look I don't wanna start a riot
or anything but I want all the..

92
00:04:15,137 --> 00:04:17,084
Hot Icelandic women to know..

93
00:04:17,294 --> 00:04:19,284
I'm easy..

94
00:04:21,384 --> 00:04:22,405
The only problem is

95
00:04:22,605 --> 00:04:24,505
Jeff will have to come along too

96
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,257
I'm.. I'm happily married

97
00:04:28,457 --> 00:04:29,457
Not my problem

98
00:04:31,429 --> 00:04:34,865
-Did you know that every
single city in Iceland

99
00:04:34,932 --> 00:04:37,300
is named after the
sound a cat makes

100
00:04:37,368 --> 00:04:38,602
when throwing up a hair ball?

101
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:41,972
[Laughter]

102
00:04:44,942 --> 00:04:45,709
I learned that.

103
00:04:45,777 --> 00:04:46,743
-That's not true.

104
00:04:46,811 --> 00:04:47,544
-Oh?

105
00:04:47,612 --> 00:04:49,979
Reygoovableh.

106
00:04:50,046 --> 00:04:52,349
[Laughter]

107
00:04:52,416 --> 00:04:53,083
There it is.

108
00:04:56,483 --> 00:04:59,373
My favourite person in Iceland is a guy
named Half Thor..

109
00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:00,759
He should be called whole Thor..

110
00:05:00,789 --> 00:05:03,379
because he won strongest man
in Iceland and in Europe..

111
00:05:03,579 --> 00:05:05,279
I didn't test him but I believed him

112
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:07,829
Was little awkward walking
around with the guy because he

113
00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:09,560
Pulls trucks and I...

114
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:10,960
Have Dolls..

115
00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:15,261
Game Of Thrones
Right?

116
00:05:15,461 --> 00:05:17,311
Yes..
So who do you play in Game Of Thrones?

117
00:05:17,511 --> 00:05:19,841
uh.. The Mountain
The Mountain?

118
00:05:20,041 --> 00:05:21,781
In... in the season.. four.

119
00:05:21,981 --> 00:05:23,154
Well that make sense it wouldn't be good

120
00:05:23,164 --> 00:05:25,654
If you were like the stick
So you the Mountain..

121
00:05:25,754 --> 00:05:29,026
And You are a Viking
I'm a ventriloquist so...

122
00:05:29,926 --> 00:05:31,926
We have nothing in common
No not really..

123
00:05:33,126 --> 00:05:34,826
How far can you actually throw me?

124
00:05:36,026 --> 00:05:38,516
Probably throw to water over there
You wanna try?

125
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,216
No. I don't wanna try

126
00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:41,816
What do you think about Iceland?

127
00:05:42,016 --> 00:05:44,076
uh..
Do they have beer?

128
00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:47,276
Yeah..
My favourite place ever

129
00:05:48,754 --> 00:05:50,021
You know.. Even though it's
named Iceland, did you

130
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:52,590
know the winters here
are actually fairly mild?

131
00:05:52,658 --> 00:05:53,357
-No.

132
00:05:53,425 --> 00:05:54,358
-Mm-hm.

133
00:05:54,426 --> 00:05:56,560
-Oh.

134
00:05:56,628 --> 00:05:59,062
Guess they should
have called it Chile.

135
00:05:59,130 --> 00:06:01,299
[Laughter]

136
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,199
That's a joke Half Thor

137
00:06:10,799 --> 00:06:14,799
If you eat too much will you be
three quarters Thor?

138
00:06:19,799 --> 00:06:22,999
I did a fraction.
That was good..

139
00:06:24,934 --> 00:06:27,236
-Have you seen the colors
of the Icelandic flag?

140
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,071
-Uh, no, I haven't seen it.

141
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,773
-There's red for
the volcanic fires.

142
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,207
-Oh, that's good.

143
00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:33,676
-Blue for the mountains
in the distance.

144
00:06:33,743 --> 00:06:34,476
-Yeah.

145
00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:35,144
-And white--

146
00:06:35,211 --> 00:06:36,011
-For the people.

147
00:06:36,079 --> 00:06:38,182
[Laughter]

148
00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:40,462
So have you enjoyed being here in Iceland?

149
00:06:40,662 --> 00:06:42,754
I hate the Volcanoes

150
00:06:42,954 --> 00:06:43,433
Why?

151
00:06:43,453 --> 00:06:46,933
Things blowing up naturally..

152
00:06:47,733 --> 00:06:51,433
If this gets popular I'll
be out of a job.

153
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:56,193
If one goes off while I'm here
I'm taking credit for it

154
00:06:56,593 --> 00:06:58,763
See that pile of smoke and ash?

155
00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:00,163
I did that..

156
00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:03,063
Tada...

157
00:07:04,963 --> 00:07:30,263
[Yodelling]

158
00:07:32,530 --> 00:07:35,732
-OK, did you know that they have
the oldest tree in Norway

159
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:36,933
right here in Bergen.

160
00:07:36,991 --> 00:07:38,367
-Fascinating.

161
00:07:41,539 --> 00:07:44,574
If I want to see some old
wood, I'll take a Viagra.

162
00:07:44,841 --> 00:07:46,543
[Laughter]

163
00:07:46,611 --> 00:07:47,511
Thank you.

164
00:07:47,578 --> 00:07:49,880
Thank you.

165
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:50,781
Thank you.

166
00:07:54,318 --> 00:07:57,721
-Did you know the first ever
ski jumper was from Norway?

167
00:07:57,789 --> 00:08:00,056
-Let me guess,
married and miserable?

168
00:08:03,027 --> 00:08:04,494
-So you've never
been snow skiing?

169
00:08:04,562 --> 00:08:06,063
-Actually, yes, once.

170
00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:07,164
Broke a leg.

171
00:08:07,231 --> 00:08:09,182
-Oh, I bet that hurt.

172
00:08:09,199 --> 00:08:09,332
-I don't know.

173
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,802
Wasn't my leg.

174
00:08:12,302 --> 00:08:14,988
Norway is all about water

175
00:08:15,188 --> 00:08:16,935
I found a sea captain who agreed to

176
00:08:16,945 --> 00:08:19,435
Help me with the severalties of the language

177
00:08:25,535 --> 00:08:27,876
Can you teach me to say..

178
00:08:28,076 --> 00:08:28,976
Um...

179
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,776
I can't find my room

180
00:08:38,276 --> 00:08:38,976
OK. Forget it

181
00:08:39,976 --> 00:08:43,076
Did you know Norway is a
constitutional Monarchy.

182
00:08:43,276 --> 00:08:44,276
Oh yeah yeah..

183
00:08:44,476 --> 00:08:48,076
It means they have a king..

184
00:08:48,276 --> 00:08:49,276
So its true?

185
00:08:49,876 --> 00:08:51,876
Elvis is alive..

186
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:54,476
No

187
00:08:56,776 --> 00:09:01,016
Another thing you know you better not
get caught driving drunk

188
00:09:01,216 --> 00:09:02,216
Why?

189
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:05,216
Well if you caught you have
to spend 30 days in jail

190
00:09:06,216 --> 00:09:08,196
They suspend your license
oh yeah yeah..

191
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:12,169
And then they fine you 10%
of your annual income..

192
00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:17,869
So that would be 12 dollars..

193
00:09:19,069 --> 00:09:22,639
-Do you know where I can buy
some whiskey around here?

194
00:09:22,706 --> 00:09:24,440
-Well, in Norway you
can only buy liquor

195
00:09:24,508 --> 00:09:27,777
from special stores
called, uh, good god.

196
00:09:27,845 --> 00:09:30,880
[Laughter]

197
00:09:30,948 --> 00:09:35,351
Vin-- how do you say it?

198
00:09:35,419 --> 00:09:36,085
Yeah, that.

199
00:09:38,989 --> 00:09:43,960
-There are none-- nur
none hur dun nur dun.

200
00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:46,640
So do you know about
the midnight sun?

201
00:09:46,940 --> 00:09:51,114
The midnight sun.
Is that Norway's Batman?

202
00:09:57,714 --> 00:09:59,522
No in the summer some parts of Norway

203
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,722
get 24 hours of sunlight..

204
00:10:04,622 --> 00:10:06,232
What?

205
00:10:06,992 --> 00:10:09,364
They have 24 hours of sunlight

206
00:10:09,374 --> 00:10:12,564
Well, That's almost a whole day

207
00:10:14,028 --> 00:10:15,895
-So we've done a lot
of interesting things

208
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,163
while in Norway.

209
00:10:17,231 --> 00:10:19,332
Yeah, This morning I milked a goat.

210
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,733
-Oh?

211
00:10:20,801 --> 00:10:23,536
-Achmed got mad at me.

212
00:10:23,604 --> 00:10:26,571
I think I was
touching his chick.

213
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,513
On another subject I was taking about.

214
00:10:31,523 --> 00:10:34,243
with the Walter that Norwegians
invented skiing.

215
00:10:34,245 --> 00:10:37,643
Oh... really?
Yeah. In Norwegian the word ski

216
00:10:37,843 --> 00:10:40,850
Means piece of wood
Oh..yeah yeah.. piece of wood

217
00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:43,540
Can I speak a Norwegian?
Sure...

218
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:44,875
Oh Kay.. ummm

219
00:10:44,885 --> 00:10:46,675
That hot lady in the front row

220
00:10:46,875 --> 00:10:49,875
Is giving me a big ski

221
00:10:52,075 --> 00:10:55,958
Heard something else interesting..
Did you know Norway sends Sweden its garbage

222
00:10:56,158 --> 00:10:59,558
To use in its recycling programs

223
00:11:01,258 --> 00:11:04,018
A lot of countries import other
country's garbage..

224
00:11:04,918 --> 00:11:08,108
Canada gave us Justin Beiber.

225
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:15,579
I was telling one of the other guy

226
00:11:15,779 --> 00:11:17,407
As you know Norway means path to the North

227
00:11:17,417 --> 00:11:19,637
That's interesting cos where we are from

228
00:11:19,687 --> 00:11:23,556
Mexico means:
"Pack your bags and start running north"

229
00:11:26,556 --> 00:11:27,756
All right..

230
00:11:33,956 --> 00:11:35,685
Silence, I kill you..

231
00:11:36,425 --> 00:11:37,725
-So while we're here.

232
00:11:37,793 --> 00:11:39,327
-Wait, I want to
ask you something.

233
00:11:39,395 --> 00:11:40,161
Can we go to Ikea?

234
00:11:42,932 --> 00:11:43,698
-This is Norway.

235
00:11:43,766 --> 00:11:44,732
Ikea is in Sweden.

236
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,067
-Oh, too bad.

237
00:11:46,135 --> 00:11:48,970
I wanted to give Ikea a
new advertising slogan.

238
00:11:49,038 --> 00:11:49,915
-And what's that?

239
00:11:49,955 --> 00:11:52,039
-I-Kea Al-you.

240
00:11:52,106 --> 00:11:55,910
[Laughter]

241
00:12:00,950 --> 00:12:04,018
-So Achmed, did you know the
biathlon is popular here?

242
00:12:04,086 --> 00:12:05,787
-What is this biathlon?

243
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,355
It's where you ski
and shoot a gun.

244
00:12:07,423 --> 00:12:08,922
-Oh! Yes, of course.

245
00:12:09,091 --> 00:12:13,862
But in Los Angeles, you
drive and shoot a gun.

246
00:12:13,929 --> 00:12:15,930
-I also learned today that
the Vikings put their dead

247
00:12:15,998 --> 00:12:17,232
on a boat and sent
them out to sea.

248
00:12:17,299 --> 00:12:18,066
-Yes, of course.

249
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:20,435
The first Norwegian Cruise Line.

250
00:12:20,503 --> 00:12:23,872
[Laughter]

251
00:12:36,572 --> 00:12:39,269
So we landed in lovely Dublin,
Ireland last night

252
00:12:39,289 --> 00:12:42,069
We landed but none of the baggage did

253
00:12:42,269 --> 00:12:43,969
I got like 29 baggage tags

254
00:12:44,009 --> 00:12:47,929
No clothes, No dummies, No toothbrush,
No Underwear, No nothing

255
00:12:48,129 --> 00:12:52,229
So I'm sure in 8 hours I guess for now
I'm just gonna

256
00:12:52,429 --> 00:12:54,929
walk around and drink Guinness

257
00:13:18,290 --> 00:13:21,192
-So have you learned much about
Ireland since we got here?

258
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:26,230
Ah I'd say Americans and the
Irish pretty much think alike.

259
00:13:26,298 --> 00:13:27,632
-How's that?

260
00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:31,635
-Most of us think our government
should take flying fucking leap.

261
00:13:31,702 --> 00:13:32,570
[Laughter]

262
00:13:32,638 --> 00:13:36,340
[Applause]

263
00:13:39,377 --> 00:13:42,647
-Well, besides politics, did
you know that Bram Stoker who

264
00:13:42,714 --> 00:13:44,715
wrote ah.. created
Dracula is from Dublin?

265
00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:45,550
-Oh really?

266
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:48,686
No, I heard..
Dracula , yeah..

267
00:13:48,754 --> 00:13:50,154
Dracula?

268
00:13:50,222 --> 00:13:52,923
You mean the guy who sleeps
all day, goes out every night,

269
00:13:53,091 --> 00:13:54,491
And can't stop drinking?

270
00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:56,227
[Laughter]

271
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:59,497
[Applause]

272
00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:05,803
Wonder where Stoker
got that idea?

273
00:14:05,871 --> 00:14:08,872
I once picked up an
Irish hitch hiker.

274
00:14:08,874 --> 00:14:09,503
-You did?
-Yeah.

275
00:14:09,508 --> 00:14:10,107
-Where was he going?

276
00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:11,242
-Rehab.

277
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,276
[Laughter]

278
00:14:12,344 --> 00:14:13,412
[Applause]

279
00:14:13,512 --> 00:14:16,092
Have you noticed this is very diverse city?

280
00:14:16,392 --> 00:14:20,492
Yes, Yes.
I saw the black guy.

281
00:14:27,922 --> 00:14:30,392
Good for you

282
00:14:32,692 --> 00:14:35,142
Did you see the O'Connell bridge?
No what's that?

283
00:14:35,152 --> 00:14:38,742
It's the only bridge in Europe that's
as wide as as it is long..

284
00:14:38,782 --> 00:14:39,342
Oh..

285
00:14:39,392 --> 00:14:41,542
I married her

286
00:14:47,242 --> 00:14:49,162
Is it a toll bridge?

287
00:14:50,262 --> 00:14:51,362
No..
Oh..

288
00:14:51,562 --> 00:14:52,862
Well that's another thing my wife

289
00:14:52,872 --> 00:14:54,462
And that bridge have in common

290
00:14:54,662 --> 00:14:55,092
How's that?

291
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:58,592
No one would ever pay to get on her either

292
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,181
Seems like she is Irish.

293
00:15:04,248 --> 00:15:05,449
[gibberish]

294
00:15:05,516 --> 00:15:09,586
[Laughter]

295
00:15:11,589 --> 00:15:15,460
[gibberish]

296
00:15:16,397 --> 00:15:17,361
-You're not saying anything.

297
00:15:17,389 --> 00:15:19,096
-No, but they can understand me.

298
00:15:19,163 --> 00:15:20,330
[Laughter]

299
00:15:20,398 --> 00:15:24,801
[Applause]

300
00:15:24,869 --> 00:15:26,603
-So what do you think
about Dublin so far?

301
00:15:26,671 --> 00:15:30,507
-Oh, duh, dur, uh, this
is the land of beer.

302
00:15:30,575 --> 00:15:31,508
-That's right.

303
00:15:31,576 --> 00:15:34,011
-I know we're going
to Israel soon,

304
00:15:34,078 --> 00:15:36,313
but while we've
been here in Dublin,

305
00:15:36,381 --> 00:15:39,149
I've seen pubs
everywhere, so I'm

306
00:15:39,217 --> 00:15:41,618
pretty sure this is the Holy Land.

307
00:15:41,686 --> 00:15:43,520
[Laughter]

308
00:15:43,588 --> 00:15:46,790
[Applause]

309
00:15:51,262 --> 00:15:54,464
And this is the biggest
alcoholics anonymous meeting

310
00:15:54,532 --> 00:15:55,665
I've ever been to.

311
00:15:59,404 --> 00:16:00,670
-I have a joke.

312
00:16:00,738 --> 00:16:01,972
-All right.

313
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,474
-What do you call
women in Ireland?

314
00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:05,442
-I don't know.

315
00:16:05,510 --> 00:16:06,877
What do you call
women in Ireland?

316
00:16:06,944 --> 00:16:08,812
-You call them women,
you chauvinist bastard.

317
00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:15,619
-We landed in Belfast the
other day, and I'm like what?

318
00:16:15,686 --> 00:16:16,486
Belfast?

319
00:16:16,554 --> 00:16:18,088
Am I here for a job interview.

320
00:16:18,156 --> 00:16:20,824
[Laughter]

321
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:23,794
[Applause]

322
00:16:23,861 --> 00:16:25,996
I love Dublin.

323
00:16:26,064 --> 00:16:29,099
I would never do
anything evil to Dublin.

324
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:30,033
-Really?

325
00:16:30,101 --> 00:16:32,035
-I'm afraid of the soccer fans.

326
00:16:32,103 --> 00:16:35,539
[Laughter]

327
00:16:35,606 --> 00:16:37,874
But have you looked
at this audience?

328
00:16:37,942 --> 00:16:38,842
-Yes.

329
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:41,178
-Closely.

330
00:16:41,245 --> 00:16:42,279
When the lights are out?

331
00:16:42,346 --> 00:16:42,747
-Yes.

332
00:16:42,814 --> 00:16:46,283
-I am made entirely
out of bone and teeth,

333
00:16:46,350 --> 00:16:48,318
and my color actually blends in.

334
00:16:48,386 --> 00:16:50,220
[Laughter]

335
00:16:50,288 --> 00:16:54,057
[Applause]

336
00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:56,159
-All right, Achmed, look, as
everybody was coming tonight,

337
00:16:56,227 --> 00:16:58,128
they were given an opportunity
or two to ask you a question.

338
00:16:58,196 --> 00:16:59,463
-Yes.

339
00:16:59,530 --> 00:17:02,079
-And everybody wrote them
down, and before the show

340
00:17:02,086 --> 00:17:04,334
we grabbed a handful, and I
think you should answer them?

341
00:17:04,352 --> 00:17:05,256
-Okie dokie.

342
00:17:05,264 --> 00:17:08,238
-Dear Achmed, does Guinness
go right through you?

343
00:17:08,306 --> 00:17:10,740
[Laughter]

344
00:17:10,808 --> 00:17:11,675
-You asshole!

345
00:17:15,313 --> 00:17:16,646
Yes!

346
00:17:16,714 --> 00:17:18,148
And so does potatoes--

347
00:17:18,216 --> 00:17:20,084
[Laughter]

348
00:17:20,091 --> 00:17:21,618
Corned beef and
fucking sunlight.

349
00:17:25,118 --> 00:17:27,788
All right,
Victor A very important question.

350
00:17:27,828 --> 00:17:29,688
Victor, Is this legitimate?

351
00:17:29,888 --> 00:17:32,088
<font color=#00FF00>Yes</font>
Okie Dokie

352
00:17:32,688 --> 00:17:36,098
Its..
What?

353
00:17:36,998 --> 00:17:38,318
All right, You really want to do this?

354
00:17:38,518 --> 00:17:40,518
<font color=#00FF00>Yeah</font>
Okay..

355
00:17:43,718 --> 00:17:45,618
Holy Shit

356
00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:48,525
From Victor, It says:

357
00:17:48,555 --> 00:17:53,725
"Dear Achmed, would you help me
propose to my girlfriend?"

358
00:18:02,825 --> 00:18:04,425
No...

359
00:18:06,525 --> 00:18:08,625
Next question?

360
00:18:10,085 --> 00:18:14,475
I am just kidding Victor.
Can we turn on house lights please?

361
00:18:15,275 --> 00:18:17,175
House lights

362
00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:20,565
Okay..

363
00:18:21,065 --> 00:18:23,618
The guys working the lights
are smoking weed.

364
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:25,818
Turn on the fucking lights.

365
00:18:26,718 --> 00:18:28,698
There he is. OK

366
00:18:30,498 --> 00:18:33,043
Victor before you do this..

367
00:18:33,243 --> 00:18:36,243
Think this through..

368
00:18:37,243 --> 00:18:39,327
Okay. All right. Let's hear it

369
00:18:43,007 --> 00:18:44,527
Yeahhh..

370
00:18:46,327 --> 00:18:50,027
This is the saddest thing I've ever seen

371
00:18:51,227 --> 00:18:53,952
I asked your mommy to marry me

372
00:18:54,252 --> 00:18:57,552
Prompted by a dead terrorist.

373
00:18:59,952 --> 00:19:03,952
If you have kids name the first one Achmed

374
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:36,700
-Isn't England where
Mary Poppins is from.

375
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:38,001
-It took place in London.

376
00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:38,902
-Oh yeah, OK.

377
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:39,470
Yeah.

378
00:19:39,577 --> 00:19:40,937
You know, I dated
her for a while.

379
00:19:45,743 --> 00:19:46,877
-You dated Mary Poppins?

380
00:19:46,944 --> 00:19:47,677
-Yes, I did.

381
00:19:47,745 --> 00:19:48,245
-No.

382
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:48,945
-Yeah, I did.

383
00:19:49,013 --> 00:19:49,779
We were very young.

384
00:19:49,847 --> 00:19:51,848
-Oh really?
yeah yeah..

385
00:19:51,916 --> 00:19:55,552
-I was the first guy to get
into her chim chim cher-ee.

386
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:58,955
[Laughter]

387
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,161
Kinda ruined things when
in the moment of passion

388
00:20:04,228 --> 00:20:06,363
she started screaming
some weird word.

389
00:20:06,430 --> 00:20:11,034
It was like super
California refrigerator

390
00:20:11,102 --> 00:20:12,636
x the delicious lotion.

391
00:20:12,703 --> 00:20:15,605
Something like that.

392
00:20:16,355 --> 00:20:18,735
Pretty kinky chick
I tell you that much

393
00:20:19,905 --> 00:20:22,015
We landed in London its afternoon

394
00:20:22,115 --> 00:20:23,876
Its time for a high tea with four

395
00:20:23,886 --> 00:20:26,676
Very proper English ladies.

396
00:20:39,276 --> 00:20:40,676
Walter do you know why are we here today?

397
00:20:40,876 --> 00:20:42,576
Uh.. Tea

398
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,814
How come nobody is drinking it yet?

399
00:20:45,824 --> 00:20:48,272
Well nobody has been told their mother

400
00:20:48,472 --> 00:20:50,459
You do?... What did you call me?

401
00:20:51,529 --> 00:20:54,059
we hardly ever have men at afternoon tea

402
00:20:54,159 --> 00:20:57,199
We'll go out later. Trust me..
We want fun

403
00:21:01,599 --> 00:21:03,256
So Peanut what has impressed you most

404
00:21:03,356 --> 00:21:04,456
Since we been in England?

405
00:21:05,073 --> 00:21:08,276
-Uh, I love this country
because just about everything

406
00:21:08,343 --> 00:21:10,278
is double entendre.

407
00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:11,078
-Like what?

408
00:21:11,146 --> 00:21:12,046
-Oh, come on.
Even the food

409
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:13,114
Bangers and mash?

410
00:21:13,181 --> 00:21:15,850
Come on!

411
00:21:15,917 --> 00:21:17,652
-That's sausages and potatoes.

412
00:21:17,719 --> 00:21:21,822
-It sounds more like
a male dance team.

413
00:21:21,890 --> 00:21:24,659
Or two guys dating.

414
00:21:25,027 --> 00:21:29,030
I don't want to be
mash, all right?

415
00:21:29,130 --> 00:21:30,797
Have you seen any one famous since
we have been here?

416
00:21:30,807 --> 00:21:33,337
Yes I actually did. I saw..
Victoria Beckham

417
00:21:33,347 --> 00:21:35,337
You did not.
I did too

418
00:21:35,437 --> 00:21:37,357
I Think, She was facing me

419
00:21:37,557 --> 00:21:40,702
And then when she turns sideways
She disappeared

420
00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:48,826
-Did you know that the very
first x-ray was taken right here

421
00:21:48,834 --> 00:21:51,202
in Birmingham, England in 1896?

422
00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:52,270
-Ha!

423
00:21:52,337 --> 00:21:57,074
You call it an x-ray,
I call it a selfie.

424
00:21:57,092 --> 00:21:58,492
-So what did you do today?

425
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,830
-I saw where they keep all
those useless wax figures.

426
00:22:02,898 --> 00:22:04,165
-Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.

427
00:22:04,233 --> 00:22:04,966
-No, no, no.

428
00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:05,733
Parliament.

429
00:22:05,801 --> 00:22:07,101
[Laughter]

430
00:22:07,169 --> 00:22:11,505
[Applause]

431
00:22:11,573 --> 00:22:13,107
-With that in mind,
have you learned

432
00:22:13,175 --> 00:22:14,775
anything since we've been here?

433
00:22:14,843 --> 00:22:17,511
-Uh, I've learned that
the folks in Birmingham

434
00:22:17,579 --> 00:22:20,081
like to be called Brumies.

435
00:22:20,148 --> 00:22:22,516
-Right.

436
00:22:22,584 --> 00:22:24,986
-So I took that knowledge forward.

437
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:27,054
Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland

438
00:22:27,122 --> 00:22:28,556
do not like to be called Scummies.

439
00:22:31,293 --> 00:22:34,996
Oh, they got all pissed off.

440
00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:36,497
I don't know what the
hell they were saying.

441
00:22:36,565 --> 00:22:38,032
You ever try to talk
to an angry Scot?

442
00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:39,600
Good God.

443
00:22:39,668 --> 00:22:45,736
[Angry gibberish]

444
00:22:48,343 --> 00:22:49,610
What the fuck are you saying?

445
00:22:52,510 --> 00:22:54,459
Did you know that the Reverend Wilbet Audrey

446
00:22:54,470 --> 00:22:56,839
Wrote Thomas the Tank Engine books here?

447
00:22:56,859 --> 00:22:58,319
Really? hmm

448
00:22:58,519 --> 00:23:02,937
So a clergyman came up with the
books for young boys?

449
00:23:06,737 --> 00:23:08,177
Well, you know what they say?

450
00:23:09,277 --> 00:23:09,911
What's that?

451
00:23:10,111 --> 00:23:12,111
"Write what you know"

452
00:23:14,011 --> 00:23:15,188
No we are talking to this guy in front row

453
00:23:15,198 --> 00:23:19,878
He is very calm, talking.. very nice
Not you..

454
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,939
Ok. What is your first name again?

455
00:23:27,139 --> 00:23:30,339
What? <font color=#00FF00>Nabeel
</font> Nab.. Nab.. Nabeel?

456
00:23:33,839 --> 00:23:35,709
Is that a first name or something you

457
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,590
Take medicine to get rid of?

458
00:23:39,790 --> 00:23:41,558
Is that a family name or just parents..

459
00:23:41,568 --> 00:23:43,658
Drunk and ...

460
00:23:45,158 --> 00:23:47,713
I'll name him Nabeel

461
00:23:51,913 --> 00:23:53,733
Is that a common English name?

462
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,013
Noooo?

463
00:23:56,813 --> 00:23:58,443
What?
<font color=#00FF00>I'm from Iraq</font>

464
00:23:58,543 --> 00:24:01,243
Oh you are from Iraq
What the fuck?

465
00:24:10,843 --> 00:24:12,183
What are the odds

466
00:24:14,283 --> 00:24:18,383
Birmingham England get the asshole
from Iraq in the front row..

467
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:23,543
OK now I forgot your name
Is it Habdul? Habu Nnn ..

468
00:24:25,443 --> 00:24:27,943
Nabool? <font color=#00FF00>Nabeel
</font>Nabeel.

469
00:24:28,893 --> 00:24:30,143
Holy crap

470
00:24:31,243 --> 00:24:32,843
Can I call you Bob?

471
00:24:42,743 --> 00:24:45,643
Here We are at the Claire's Island
at the Beatles Story

472
00:24:45,683 --> 00:24:48,240
Claire let's say some idiot comes in here

473
00:24:48,250 --> 00:24:50,023
And no idea who the Beatles were

474
00:24:50,033 --> 00:24:52,423
It happens? Doesn't it?
<font color=#00FF00>Now and again..</font>

475
00:24:52,523 --> 00:24:53,956
Yeah you got morons coming here

476
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,156
Going: "Who the Beatles were?"

477
00:24:55,166 --> 00:24:56,676
Let's say I'm one of those guys

478
00:24:56,686 --> 00:24:58,876
Let's say Jeff is one of those guys

479
00:24:59,076 --> 00:25:01,076
Go ahead Jeff ask..

480
00:25:01,086 --> 00:25:02,066
Uh.. Who were the Beatles?

481
00:25:02,266 --> 00:25:03,966
The Beatles were four boys

482
00:25:04,166 --> 00:25:07,306
That come from Liverpool
that actually changed the world.

483
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:10,506
Yeah they paved the way for One Direction

484
00:25:10,706 --> 00:25:14,906
I think Beatles were a fag I give them
three months top

485
00:25:15,981 --> 00:25:17,448
So what do you
think of Liverpool so far?

486
00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:19,050
-Having a good time.

487
00:25:19,117 --> 00:25:20,920
Yeah, lots of huh..

488
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,120
Beatles stuff..

489
00:25:23,087 --> 00:25:25,036
-Well, this is the original
home of the Beatles.

490
00:25:25,123 --> 00:25:28,459
-Yeah, do Paul and Ringo
ever get back here,

491
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,430
or are they still trying to
avoid running into Pete Best?

492
00:25:32,498 --> 00:25:35,166
[Laughter]

493
00:25:38,137 --> 00:25:40,738
-For those who might be
watching and not be familiar,

494
00:25:40,806 --> 00:25:42,707
Pete Best was the
original drummer

495
00:25:42,775 --> 00:25:44,175
for The Beatles before--

496
00:25:44,243 --> 00:25:46,211
-Before they dumped
his ass and got Ringo.

497
00:25:46,278 --> 00:25:48,112
-That's right.

498
00:25:48,180 --> 00:25:50,247
-That had to suck.

499
00:25:50,915 --> 00:25:52,283
You think he's over it by now?

500
00:25:52,351 --> 00:25:53,951
-I don't know.

501
00:25:54,019 --> 00:25:55,853
You know they named a
street after Pete Best.

502
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,522
-Oh, well, yes, great.

503
00:25:57,590 --> 00:26:00,291
[Laughter]

504
00:26:02,998 --> 00:26:06,363
That's got to make up for the
millions of dollars and pounds,

505
00:26:06,371 --> 00:26:08,433
don't you think?

506
00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:10,287
What the hell's the
name of the street?

507
00:26:10,435 --> 00:26:11,935
You got screwed boulevard?

508
00:26:14,035 --> 00:26:16,545
Shafted Lane.. I don't kn..

509
00:26:17,145 --> 00:26:19,645
It could have been you road.
I don't know..

510
00:26:20,145 --> 00:26:22,265
You guys have all the crazy tourists

511
00:26:22,275 --> 00:26:24,039
Wanting to see where the Beatles are from

512
00:26:24,049 --> 00:26:25,988
You know we in US we have the same thing

513
00:26:25,995 --> 00:26:29,148
With the Elvis Precley Graceland in Memphis
<font color=#00FF00>Woooo Yeah</font>

514
00:26:29,150 --> 00:26:31,948
Yeah.. Oh Yeah..
Shut up No one Cares here, Anyway

515
00:26:36,348 --> 00:26:38,208
Graceland that's where Elvis fans flock

516
00:26:38,210 --> 00:26:39,878
To see where Elvis lived

517
00:26:40,078 --> 00:26:42,056
And if you are a Michael Jackson fan you

518
00:26:42,066 --> 00:26:44,095
Can come out to L.A and take a walking tour

519
00:26:44,105 --> 00:26:47,095
Of all his plastic surgeon offices

520
00:26:49,295 --> 00:26:50,655
Quite lovely..

521
00:26:51,255 --> 00:26:53,447
The nose was done here

522
00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:56,587
It fell of here and they redid it here

523
00:27:03,887 --> 00:27:04,995
And you know there's hmm..

524
00:27:05,195 --> 00:27:07,095
More to see here than just the Beatles stuff

525
00:27:07,115 --> 00:27:08,225
Oh yeah?
Yeah

526
00:27:08,245 --> 00:27:13,945
There is the uh,
International Slavery Museum

527
00:27:16,045 --> 00:27:17,978
Oh,

528
00:27:19,378 --> 00:27:23,611
What an uplifting afternoon that should be

529
00:27:24,072 --> 00:27:26,474
-Did you know that it was in
Liverpool that scientists first

530
00:27:26,541 --> 00:27:29,909
discovered that malaria
was spread by mosquitoes?

531
00:27:34,249 --> 00:27:37,818
-That's just fascinating, Jeff.

532
00:27:37,886 --> 00:27:39,487
Let's put that on
the welcome signs.

533
00:27:39,554 --> 00:27:41,289
[Laughter]

534
00:27:41,356 --> 00:27:42,490
That'll bring in the tourists.

535
00:27:42,557 --> 00:27:43,291
Come to Liverpool!

536
00:27:43,358 --> 00:27:46,961
We have Beatles and mosquitoes!

537
00:27:47,029 --> 00:27:50,231
And one of them carries
a deadly disease!

538
00:27:50,299 --> 00:27:52,667
Find out which one!

539
00:27:53,434 --> 00:27:54,901
Ringo?

540
00:28:07,201 --> 00:28:09,507
After touring the Beatles museum in Liverpool

541
00:28:09,517 --> 00:28:11,377
This morning we took a long drive

542
00:28:11,397 --> 00:28:12,442
And we have now reached the

543
00:28:12,452 --> 00:28:16,402
Border between England and Scotland
And here it is right here..

544
00:28:20,032 --> 00:28:23,202
We'll be in Scotland in twenty minutes

545
00:28:27,002 --> 00:28:28,650
How the hell did this happen?

546
00:28:28,850 --> 00:28:31,090
I mean I'm on the other side of the planet

547
00:28:31,100 --> 00:28:32,468
And people know who I am

548
00:28:32,478 --> 00:28:33,788
And they are laughing at my jokes

549
00:28:33,790 --> 00:28:35,958
Who'd think that, that dumb little terrorist

550
00:28:35,968 --> 00:28:37,158
would have brought things this far

551
00:28:42,498 --> 00:28:43,565
-I know a little fact.

552
00:28:43,632 --> 00:28:44,933
Did you know that
people in Scotland

553
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,202
buy 40 bottles of
whiskey every second?

554
00:28:50,740 --> 00:28:52,874
This is my favourite country ever.

555
00:28:59,648 --> 00:29:02,117
Do they NASCAR in the uk?

556
00:29:02,184 --> 00:29:03,351
-In the what?

557
00:29:03,419 --> 00:29:04,219
-In the uk?

558
00:29:07,690 --> 00:29:09,758
-The-- oh, UK.

559
00:29:09,825 --> 00:29:11,038
-Oh..

560
00:29:12,594 --> 00:29:14,194
you can spell.

561
00:29:15,931 --> 00:29:18,566
-But Glasgow is, uh-- you told
me it was confusing for you?

562
00:29:18,634 --> 00:29:19,667
-Yeah, it is.

563
00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:20,522
-Why?

564
00:29:20,530 --> 00:29:22,771
-Yesterday at lunch
my waitress asked me

565
00:29:22,838 --> 00:29:25,507
if I wanted some tatties and neeps.

566
00:29:25,574 --> 00:29:27,242
[Laughter]

567
00:29:27,309 --> 00:29:30,178
When I said yes, instead
of taking off her top,

568
00:29:30,246 --> 00:29:31,413
she brought me food.

569
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:34,916
[Laughter]

570
00:29:34,984 --> 00:29:38,319
[Applause]

571
00:29:39,655 --> 00:29:43,725
It was the worst strip
club I'd ever been to.

572
00:29:43,793 --> 00:29:45,860
Tatties and neeps are
served with haggis.

573
00:29:45,928 --> 00:29:47,796
Well, she didn't
show me that either.

574
00:29:51,296 --> 00:29:53,199
But next week we are in Australia

575
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,990
So that's when I see
Down Under.

576
00:29:56,890 --> 00:29:59,498
Did you know that golf
was invented in Scotland?

577
00:30:00,569 --> 00:30:02,398
Fascinating

578
00:30:04,008 --> 00:30:05,464
You know what else was invented here?

579
00:30:05,466 --> 00:30:09,164
What?
Being in public and yelling, Shit..

580
00:30:12,064 --> 00:30:13,861
Wait, we might use that on a DvD

581
00:30:13,871 --> 00:30:16,231
And they are not gonna let us say shit.

582
00:30:16,881 --> 00:30:19,071
Take two..
Yeah..

583
00:30:19,871 --> 00:30:20,971
You wanna do do the joke again?

584
00:30:20,981 --> 00:30:21,999
Yeah what the hell, why not

585
00:30:22,009 --> 00:30:24,639
It's good joke. They laughed
I don't know...

586
00:30:25,566 --> 00:30:27,839
I can do that. All right here we go..

587
00:30:28,839 --> 00:30:31,207
Take two assholes

588
00:30:32,207 --> 00:30:33,870
You talking about the..you know..

589
00:30:34,070 --> 00:30:35,446
The way they speak?

590
00:30:35,450 --> 00:30:37,183
Ok now look we are in their country
yeah?

591
00:30:37,283 --> 00:30:40,093
They speak normally

592
00:30:43,893 --> 00:30:45,503
I know some Scottish..

593
00:30:46,503 --> 00:30:49,403
Really? oh yeah, I learned it
OK ready I watched the videos

594
00:30:49,410 --> 00:30:50,503
It's like this..

595
00:30:50,523 --> 00:30:53,283
I Can't do it captain

596
00:30:58,003 --> 00:31:00,142
How about the Lockness Monster?
How is that?

597
00:31:00,152 --> 00:31:01,299
Well, Do you believe in a

598
00:31:01,300 --> 00:31:03,714
mysterious creature that lives in
the murky depths and

599
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:05,153
Breathes fire?

600
00:31:05,353 --> 00:31:08,623
Believe in it, I married its sister.

601
00:31:11,003 --> 00:31:12,433
A lot of famous actors are Scottish

602
00:31:12,435 --> 00:31:12,884
Like who?

603
00:31:12,885 --> 00:31:15,408
Sean Connery, Ewin McGrager, Gerarld Butler

604
00:31:15,410 --> 00:31:17,868
What about Benedict Cumberbatch?

605
00:31:19,008 --> 00:31:21,081
No no.. He is a famous actor
but he is British

606
00:31:21,085 --> 00:31:23,931
I know, I just like saying Cumberbatch

607
00:31:24,331 --> 00:31:25,942
Hey babe, I'll show you my benedict

608
00:31:25,950 --> 00:31:29,004
If you show me your cumberbatch

609
00:31:30,766 --> 00:31:32,066
We've been talking
about Scotland a bit.

610
00:31:32,134 --> 00:31:33,468
Oh yes?

611
00:31:33,536 --> 00:31:36,438
-I read the other day that
Scotland is actually the-- I've

612
00:31:36,505 --> 00:31:38,940
saved this fact for you--
the murder capital of Europe.

613
00:31:39,008 --> 00:31:41,843
[gasp]

614
00:31:42,411 --> 00:31:43,316
-I didn't do it!

615
00:31:43,328 --> 00:31:46,614
I have nothing to
do with this shit!

616
00:31:46,982 --> 00:31:48,883
Did you know that
bagpipes have existed

617
00:31:48,951 --> 00:31:50,885
in Scotland since
the 14th century?

618
00:31:50,953 --> 00:31:51,887
-Oh!

619
00:31:51,954 --> 00:31:55,323
That is probably about the
time the murder rate went up.

620
00:31:58,060 --> 00:31:59,561
[bagpipe noises]

621
00:32:03,113 --> 00:32:05,425
Ha ha ha ha

622
00:32:07,403 --> 00:32:10,347
Did you know that I think
my mother was part Scottish?

623
00:32:10,459 --> 00:32:10,572
-Yeah?

624
00:32:10,639 --> 00:32:11,630
Why do you say that?

625
00:32:11,637 --> 00:32:14,242
-Sometimes she'd want to
put me in Scottish clothing?

626
00:32:14,310 --> 00:32:15,076
-Really?

627
00:32:15,144 --> 00:32:17,312
-Sure, she'd say I kilt you.

628
00:32:17,379 --> 00:32:18,179
[Laughter]

629
00:32:18,247 --> 00:32:19,080
Kilt?

630
00:32:19,148 --> 00:32:19,481
Kilt?

631
00:32:19,548 --> 00:32:20,148
Get it?

632
00:32:20,216 --> 00:32:20,949
Kilt?

633
00:32:21,016 --> 00:32:24,552
I kilt you.

634
00:32:24,620 --> 00:32:27,556
[Applause]

635
00:32:27,706 --> 00:32:29,698
Jackie Dawson, Jackie where are you?

636
00:32:29,898 --> 00:32:30,898
<font color=#00FF00>Here</font> (Male)

637
00:32:36,798 --> 00:32:40,008
Jackie lay off the testosterone

638
00:32:41,108 --> 00:32:43,738
You sound like a fucking guy

639
00:32:44,268 --> 00:32:47,378
You scared the shit out of
everyone around you

640
00:32:50,478 --> 00:32:53,888
Where is Jackie? (Female Voice)
I'm here (Male Voice)

641
00:32:56,208 --> 00:32:57,681
This is why in my country we

642
00:32:57,691 --> 00:32:59,981
Cover our women

643
00:33:08,601 --> 00:33:12,051
Where are you? Mm Mm Marie?

644
00:33:12,251 --> 00:33:15,551
Right I can't roll my arms

645
00:33:22,301 --> 00:33:24,284
Don't worry I got it.
OK.

646
00:33:26,484 --> 00:33:29,814
Last name Christie, Is she here?
Up there

647
00:33:30,154 --> 00:33:33,394
With the guy that sounds like a chick.

648
00:33:34,594 --> 00:33:38,828
She says: Dear Achmed I have a problem
with strange people touching me.

649
00:33:39,028 --> 00:33:40,608
I would love to tell them

650
00:33:40,708 --> 00:33:42,098
I will Keel them

651
00:33:42,298 --> 00:33:45,308
But that can come across as rude

652
00:33:45,508 --> 00:33:47,331
Any other suggestions?

653
00:33:48,231 --> 00:33:49,363
Put your clothes back on

654
00:33:49,365 --> 00:33:51,763
And get off the pole

655
00:33:56,663 --> 00:33:58,063
Dear Achmed can you please wish

656
00:33:58,263 --> 00:33:59,803
Lisa Lamont a Happy Birthday?

657
00:33:59,915 --> 00:34:01,503
Hay Hay, NO

658
00:34:04,003 --> 00:34:08,203
OK OK Lisa happy freaking birthday, Yay

659
00:34:08,603 --> 00:34:10,083
How old are you?

660
00:34:10,883 --> 00:34:12,783
What? What the hell did she say?

661
00:34:14,023 --> 00:34:15,658
How Old?

662
00:34:16,898 --> 00:34:20,785
Oh, yeah OK she is 30th thirty

663
00:34:22,585 --> 00:34:25,076
I gotta practice. Thirty

664
00:34:25,276 --> 00:34:27,276
I'm thirty you dumb fool

665
00:34:31,906 --> 00:34:35,121
A Scottish Dead Terrorist?

666
00:34:41,221 --> 00:34:45,281
That is something I can work on lad

667
00:35:04,681 --> 00:35:06,451
So in middle of the trip we
come to Abu Dhabi

668
00:35:06,456 --> 00:35:07,731
What have we been looking forward to?

669
00:35:07,741 --> 00:35:09,101
Riding Camels

670
00:35:09,201 --> 00:35:10,263
So we got in the car this morning

671
00:35:10,283 --> 00:35:11,673
to come out here and ride the camels

672
00:35:11,773 --> 00:35:12,943
Why not? You have to

673
00:35:13,143 --> 00:35:14,002
But what are the odds

674
00:35:14,012 --> 00:35:15,282
As we were coming here in the car we

675
00:35:15,292 --> 00:35:16,352
Picked up the newspaper

676
00:35:16,355 --> 00:35:18,045
And the front headline says:

677
00:35:18,245 --> 00:35:23,398
"Avoid close contact with camels
Say the Vet experts"

678
00:35:23,798 --> 00:35:25,914
Why?
Because there is a new virus going around

679
00:35:26,014 --> 00:35:29,214
That people can catch and one third
of the people die

680
00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:31,414
Skip the camels

681
00:35:33,004 --> 00:35:35,461
My question is when you sign a little thing

682
00:35:35,465 --> 00:35:38,441
on airplane: "Have you been to any farms?"

683
00:35:38,641 --> 00:35:41,921
Nope. Have not. been to no farms

684
00:35:44,532 --> 00:35:46,967
-By the time I was done,
I was 104 degrees out,

685
00:35:47,034 --> 00:35:48,935
and I was sweating like a pig.

686
00:35:49,003 --> 00:35:51,442
And..

687
00:35:54,542 --> 00:35:55,642
what happened?

688
00:35:55,910 --> 00:35:57,677
What?

689
00:35:57,745 --> 00:36:00,680
Wait a minute-- oh
I can't say pig?

690
00:36:00,748 --> 00:36:01,481
What?

691
00:36:01,549 --> 00:36:02,282
I don't what to say.

692
00:36:02,350 --> 00:36:03,216
I don't-- forget it.

693
00:36:03,284 --> 00:36:04,751
Just-- I don't know anything.

694
00:36:04,819 --> 00:36:07,521
What the ... are
they talking about?

695
00:36:08,118 --> 00:36:09,789
You.. you ,sir No one else talk

696
00:36:09,795 --> 00:36:10,629
What are they saying?

697
00:36:10,639 --> 00:36:13,829
And please use an accent
I can understand

698
00:36:17,188 --> 00:36:17,921
Don't say pig?

699
00:36:17,989 --> 00:36:19,189
Is that it?

700
00:36:19,257 --> 00:36:22,059
OK, I was sweating like a goat.

701
00:36:22,127 --> 00:36:23,193
[Laughter]

702
00:36:23,261 --> 00:36:23,927
All right.

703
00:36:32,103 --> 00:36:32,769
-Holy crap.

704
00:36:43,148 --> 00:36:47,050
You're not gonna, erm--

705
00:36:47,118 --> 00:36:48,285
-What are you trying to say?

706
00:36:48,353 --> 00:36:51,221
-You're not-- [mumbling].

707
00:36:51,289 --> 00:36:52,022
No Achmed.

708
00:36:52,090 --> 00:36:53,390
No Achmed.

709
00:36:53,458 --> 00:36:55,792
[Laughter]

710
00:36:55,860 --> 00:36:58,629
[Applause]

711
00:37:04,636 --> 00:37:08,105
Can you not fucking
see out there?

712
00:37:08,173 --> 00:37:11,241
-I will talk to Achmed
about this later.

713
00:37:11,309 --> 00:37:13,577
-No, no, no.

714
00:37:13,645 --> 00:37:17,214
Can I, uh, get in the box and
get the fuck out first?

715
00:37:17,282 --> 00:37:18,982
[Laughter]

716
00:37:19,050 --> 00:37:22,786
[Applause]

717
00:37:22,854 --> 00:37:26,523
It's not a good idea.

718
00:37:26,591 --> 00:37:27,391
We're not in Israel.

719
00:37:27,458 --> 00:37:28,158
-I know.

720
00:37:32,658 --> 00:37:34,608
Walter, Are you enjoying Abu Dhabi?

721
00:37:34,618 --> 00:37:37,798
Oh yeah Oh yeah.yeah.. ye...

722
00:37:38,898 --> 00:37:41,844
Its a first Arab nation we ever played
Right? Yeah

723
00:37:42,044 --> 00:37:45,002
All I can say is we may live in Hollywood

724
00:37:45,012 --> 00:37:48,432
But don't worry we are not Jews

725
00:37:56,332 --> 00:37:58,632
You are welcome.
All right.

726
00:38:00,029 --> 00:38:02,097
But have you been enjoying
the sights around town?

727
00:38:02,165 --> 00:38:02,931
-Oh, yeah sure.

728
00:38:02,999 --> 00:38:03,765
Amazing.

729
00:38:03,833 --> 00:38:05,534
Gorgeous buildings.

730
00:38:05,601 --> 00:38:06,368
-Gorgeous buildings.

731
00:38:06,435 --> 00:38:06,649
-Yeah.

732
00:38:07,006 --> 00:38:08,637
-Amazing structures.

733
00:38:08,704 --> 00:38:10,438
Fantastic hotels.

734
00:38:10,506 --> 00:38:13,218
Been looking forward to this a
lot, and here we are

735
00:38:13,418 --> 00:38:14,418
In a tent.

736
00:38:18,881 --> 00:38:21,483
-Yeah, they know how to treat
the infidels, don't they?

737
00:38:21,551 --> 00:38:22,818
[Laughter]

738
00:38:22,885 --> 00:38:24,619
[Applause]

739
00:38:24,687 --> 00:38:27,122
A frickin tent.

740
00:38:27,190 --> 00:38:27,923
-It's a nice--

741
00:38:27,990 --> 00:38:29,491
-Yeah, a nice tent.

742
00:38:29,559 --> 00:38:32,000
Yay.

743
00:38:32,028 --> 00:38:33,128
It's a frickin circus tent.

744
00:38:33,196 --> 00:38:34,896
[Laughter]

745
00:38:34,964 --> 00:38:38,466
All we're missing is
the midget and music.

746
00:38:38,534 --> 00:38:41,169
Here's Jeff and Walter.

747
00:38:41,237 --> 00:38:43,805
[Laughter]

748
00:38:45,608 --> 00:38:48,310
This sucks.

749
00:38:48,377 --> 00:38:49,444
-It's a fine facility.

750
00:38:49,512 --> 00:38:50,278
-OK, all right.

751
00:38:50,346 --> 00:38:52,180
Yeah, yeah.

752
00:38:52,248 --> 00:38:54,149
I guess we're
actually safe though.

753
00:38:54,217 --> 00:38:54,983
-How's that?

754
00:38:55,051 --> 00:38:56,785
-What moron would bomb a tent?

755
00:39:01,557 --> 00:39:02,657
What do you do?

756
00:39:02,725 --> 00:39:04,426
What do you-- cause
$20 worth of damage?

757
00:39:07,297 --> 00:39:09,631
-I don't know who owns
this, but if it's one guy,

758
00:39:09,699 --> 00:39:10,799
he might be here tonight.

759
00:39:10,867 --> 00:39:12,634
-Oh good, he's gonna
go home to his palace,

760
00:39:12,702 --> 00:39:14,202
and here we are in fucking tent.

761
00:39:14,270 --> 00:39:14,936
-All right!

762
00:39:22,036 --> 00:39:23,811
Did you know that over 70%

763
00:39:23,821 --> 00:39:25,371
Of Abu Dhabi is desert?

764
00:39:25,381 --> 00:39:29,551
Again my wife will fit right in
How is that?

765
00:39:29,552 --> 00:39:30,951
She is also dried out

766
00:39:30,953 --> 00:39:34,151
And hostile to all forms of life

767
00:39:34,718 --> 00:39:36,351
That's not nice..

768
00:39:36,843 --> 00:39:39,022
-So Bubba J, do you know
where we are exactly?

769
00:39:39,023 --> 00:39:40,946
-Oh, no. Sure don't..
No I don't..

770
00:39:42,214 --> 00:39:42,880
-Abu Dhabi.

771
00:39:46,485 --> 00:39:47,151
-What?

772
00:39:49,888 --> 00:39:51,255
-Abu Dhabi.

773
00:39:51,323 --> 00:39:52,256
-You're drunk.

774
00:39:52,324 --> 00:39:54,225
[Laughter]

775
00:39:54,293 --> 00:39:58,896
[Applause]

776
00:39:58,964 --> 00:39:59,764
Really?

777
00:39:59,832 --> 00:40:00,531
-Yeah.

778
00:40:00,599 --> 00:40:01,699
-Say that again.

779
00:40:01,767 --> 00:40:02,433
-Abu Dhabi.

780
00:40:05,237 --> 00:40:07,171
-I thought that's
what Fred Flintstone

781
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:08,773
says when he's excited.

782
00:40:08,841 --> 00:40:11,276
[Laughter]

783
00:40:11,343 --> 00:40:14,513
-No, that's yabba dabba do.

784
00:40:15,381 --> 00:40:17,683
-It's pretty close.

785
00:40:18,350 --> 00:40:19,650
Abu Dhabi do!

786
00:40:19,718 --> 00:40:21,886
[Laughter]

787
00:40:21,986 --> 00:40:23,086
That's nice..

788
00:40:38,801 --> 00:40:39,546
How do I look?

789
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:41,596
You look good. OK. OK. All right
Now explain tha...

790
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:42,253
-Wait, wait!

791
00:40:42,321 --> 00:40:43,988
Can't go...
Come back! Come back!

792
00:40:46,022 --> 00:40:47,668
Come back!

793
00:40:51,808 --> 00:40:55,077
You're the one of the guys
I really want to love me.

794
00:40:59,849 --> 00:41:01,783
Is it the red cape?
is it?...

795
00:41:01,851 --> 00:41:02,918
Something wrong with that?

796
00:41:03,186 --> 00:41:04,186
Did I say ham?

797
00:41:04,254 --> 00:41:06,755
[Laughter]

798
00:41:08,158 --> 00:41:09,992
Oh my god, your
name is offensive!

799
00:41:10,059 --> 00:41:10,859
Dun-ham!

800
00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:13,829
[Laughter]

801
00:41:13,897 --> 00:41:16,732
[Applause]

802
00:41:17,834 --> 00:41:21,136
Is he coming back?

803
00:41:21,204 --> 00:41:23,371
Did he have to go potty?

804
00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:27,276
Do you pick it up
or pull it down?

805
00:41:27,343 --> 00:41:30,179
[Laughter]

806
00:41:30,246 --> 00:41:33,549
[Applause]

807
00:41:39,122 --> 00:41:40,922
Or is there a little flap?

808
00:41:47,122 --> 00:41:48,715
I have no idea we are offending any body

809
00:41:48,725 --> 00:41:50,315
Just Stop!!!

810
00:41:51,015 --> 00:41:53,515
I don't care. I go home in a suit case

811
00:41:57,015 --> 00:41:58,088
You are right I better watch or

812
00:41:58,098 --> 00:42:01,488
You could be going home in a box too

813
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:05,368
Oh yeah..

814
00:42:09,768 --> 00:42:11,508
You are back..

815
00:42:12,408 --> 00:42:13,964
I was so worried I thought I have said

816
00:42:13,965 --> 00:42:15,378
Something to offend you and you have said:

817
00:42:15,380 --> 00:42:18,218
"Ha enough of here . Goodbye"

818
00:42:20,218 --> 00:42:21,549
A thing or some fucking shoe is

819
00:42:21,550 --> 00:42:24,248
Gonna come flying up here and..

820
00:42:28,008 --> 00:42:29,565
Oh, that'd be good cos then I'd have

821
00:42:29,566 --> 00:42:30,765
The other one

822
00:42:36,162 --> 00:42:40,291
Greetings, Abu Dhabi
infi-- I mean..

823
00:42:40,691 --> 00:42:41,491
Folks..

824
00:42:41,901 --> 00:42:45,604
[Laughter]

825
00:42:45,672 --> 00:42:48,140
Silence, I kill you!

826
00:42:48,208 --> 00:42:49,575
[Laughter]

827
00:42:49,642 --> 00:42:52,878
[Applause]

828
00:42:56,883 --> 00:42:59,017
What the hell?

829
00:42:59,085 --> 00:43:03,021
What-- I threaten to kill
them, they all go yay.

830
00:43:03,689 --> 00:43:05,858
-I think some of them
actually like you here.

831
00:43:06,525 --> 00:43:07,326
-Really?

832
00:43:07,393 --> 00:43:09,628
[Applause]

833
00:43:11,731 --> 00:43:14,766
You know, since being
here, I've been starting

834
00:43:14,834 --> 00:43:17,903
to rethink the whole
suicide bomber thing.

835
00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:19,271
-How's that?

836
00:43:19,339 --> 00:43:22,341
-I blew myself to get a new
place and a few virgins,

837
00:43:22,408 --> 00:43:24,343
meanwhile eight guys
in the front row

838
00:43:24,410 --> 00:43:26,521
here have five mansions each,

839
00:43:27,121 --> 00:43:28,421
a bunch of hot wives,

840
00:43:28,615 --> 00:43:32,117
and their own skin.

841
00:43:32,185 --> 00:43:35,954
I had no idea these
options were available.

842
00:43:39,993 --> 00:43:42,093
I love you guys. Good Night.

843
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:48,600
-Welcome to Israel!

844
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:58,167
We are in the heart of the old city

845
00:43:58,177 --> 00:43:59,167
Of Jerusalem

846
00:43:59,187 --> 00:44:00,585
Where Christian, Jews and Muslims

847
00:44:00,590 --> 00:44:01,785
All live together

848
00:44:01,905 --> 00:44:03,314
But no matter what the differences

849
00:44:03,324 --> 00:44:05,298
They all seem to agree on one thing

850
00:44:05,498 --> 00:44:07,498
Satellite TV

851
00:44:32,105 --> 00:44:35,040
[shouts]

852
00:44:35,108 --> 00:44:36,444
[Applause]

853
00:44:37,185 --> 00:44:38,452
-Where the hell are we?

854
00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:40,922
[Laughter]

855
00:44:40,989 --> 00:44:44,325
[Applause]

856
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,207
I forgot, yeah, we're here.

857
00:44:47,210 --> 00:44:51,631
OK, well, uh, uh, um,

858
00:44:51,991 --> 00:44:52,931
Shalom.

859
00:44:53,735 --> 00:44:58,273
[Applause]

860
00:44:58,463 --> 00:45:00,358
You know why they call this the holy land?

861
00:45:00,368 --> 00:45:02,855
Of course, Yeah.. Not far from here

862
00:45:03,055 --> 00:45:06,055
Is the birthplace of Soda Stream

863
00:45:11,740 --> 00:45:16,511
I'm surprised at how many
of men here have facial hair.

864
00:45:17,279 --> 00:45:17,645
Well, that's true.

865
00:45:17,713 --> 00:45:19,314
-Yeah, we went to
the market today,

866
00:45:19,381 --> 00:45:22,116
and it took me 10 minutes to
pick my wife out of the crowd.

867
00:45:22,184 --> 00:45:23,618
[Laughter]

868
00:45:23,686 --> 00:45:26,187
[Applause]

869
00:45:31,707 --> 00:45:33,584
I'm at the Caramel Market in Tel Aviv Israel

870
00:45:33,594 --> 00:45:35,837
One of the most famous markets
in the entire world

871
00:45:35,847 --> 00:45:36,762
You are supposed to buy stuff here

872
00:45:36,772 --> 00:45:38,432
But you are supposed to negotiate and haggle

873
00:45:38,442 --> 00:45:39,632
I'm horrible at that

874
00:45:39,832 --> 00:45:42,269
What if I give you ten?
No..

875
00:45:42,279 --> 00:45:43,948
How about ten shackles?
Na.. No No

876
00:45:44,148 --> 00:45:45,337
Could I have gotten it for 30?

877
00:45:46,037 --> 00:45:47,237
Uh.. You could have

878
00:45:47,407 --> 00:45:48,948
15? No No.

879
00:45:48,978 --> 00:45:50,767
All right You told me it was 28

880
00:45:50,777 --> 00:45:52,566
But now that it is open how about ten?

881
00:45:52,766 --> 00:45:54,629
I told you just for you,
Cos its the Wednesday

882
00:45:54,639 --> 00:45:57,169
I'll give it to you for 32.

883
00:45:57,869 --> 00:45:59,559
See, I suck at this..

884
00:46:02,059 --> 00:46:05,359
A guy asked me today if I was Jewish

885
00:46:05,559 --> 00:46:06,438
What did you say?

886
00:46:06,448 --> 00:46:08,818
I said whaa.. I don't know.

887
00:46:09,818 --> 00:46:10,414
Then what happened?

888
00:46:10,624 --> 00:46:13,513
He asked me if I was circumscribed?

889
00:46:14,713 --> 00:46:17,581
Circumcised. He asked you if
you were circumcised

890
00:46:17,590 --> 00:46:18,781
ay ay.. OK. All right

891
00:46:19,481 --> 00:46:21,327
It's the act of circumcision

892
00:46:22,316 --> 00:46:24,855
Ah.. Well, I have a television..

893
00:46:27,292 --> 00:46:28,948
Do you know what circumcision is?

894
00:46:29,148 --> 00:46:30,848
I don't know.. what is circumcision..

895
00:46:44,248 --> 00:46:46,968
Please put me back in the suit case

896
00:46:50,255 --> 00:46:52,537
-So Achmed, we've been
going all over the place.

897
00:46:52,540 --> 00:46:53,023
-We have.

898
00:46:53,091 --> 00:46:53,700
-You know where we are?

899
00:46:53,802 --> 00:46:56,727
-Well, we have going so many
places I have lost track.

900
00:46:56,795 --> 00:47:01,932
And, uh, we-- uh.

901
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:03,067
What's with all the Jews?

902
00:47:07,072 --> 00:47:08,739
-We're in Israel.

903
00:47:08,807 --> 00:47:09,573
-That's so funny.

904
00:47:09,641 --> 00:47:10,341
Yeah, OK.

905
00:47:10,408 --> 00:47:11,742
Israel.

906
00:47:11,810 --> 00:47:13,923
Yeah, that's really funny. we are..

907
00:47:14,681 --> 00:47:16,044
What?

908
00:47:17,983 --> 00:47:19,516
-We're in Tel Aviv.

909
00:47:19,584 --> 00:47:21,352
[whimper]

910
00:47:23,888 --> 00:47:26,056
-As in Israeli Army?

911
00:47:26,124 --> 00:47:27,858
[Laughter]

912
00:47:27,926 --> 00:47:30,227
Holy crap.

913
00:47:30,295 --> 00:47:31,996
Well, I'm already dead.

914
00:47:32,063 --> 00:47:34,465
What the hell?

915
00:47:34,532 --> 00:47:38,168
[Applause]

916
00:47:38,836 --> 00:47:39,558
-Achmed, trust me.

917
00:47:39,570 --> 00:47:40,158
You'll be fine.

918
00:47:40,168 --> 00:47:40,938
We're guests.

919
00:47:41,006 --> 00:47:44,408
-So they are friendly Jews?

920
00:47:44,476 --> 00:47:45,276
-Absolutely.

921
00:47:45,343 --> 00:47:46,477
-Do they bite?

922
00:47:46,544 --> 00:47:48,178
[Laughter]

923
00:47:48,246 --> 00:47:49,613
Can I play with one?

924
00:47:49,681 --> 00:47:51,015
[Laughter]

925
00:47:51,283 --> 00:47:54,179
I actually studied about
Israel before we got here.

926
00:47:54,188 --> 00:47:54,485
-Really?

927
00:47:54,552 --> 00:47:55,053
-Yes.

928
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:57,288
This is where the letter
[guttural noise] comes from.

929
00:47:57,355 --> 00:47:59,690
[Laughter]

930
00:47:59,758 --> 00:48:03,460
[Applause]

931
00:48:06,631 --> 00:48:11,298
A-C-phlegm.

932
00:48:11,369 --> 00:48:14,405
You guys know this stuff.

933
00:48:14,472 --> 00:48:17,308
[Applause]

934
00:48:17,375 --> 00:48:20,110
Why do these folks cheer for me?

935
00:48:20,178 --> 00:48:21,478
Oh, I get it.

936
00:48:21,546 --> 00:48:24,848
You like nothing better
than a dead terrorist.

937
00:48:24,916 --> 00:48:28,218
[Applause]

938
00:48:30,422 --> 00:48:34,325
I heard folks say that
Jews run the banks.

939
00:48:34,392 --> 00:48:36,126
Well, I say good.

940
00:48:36,194 --> 00:48:38,428
The Palestinians only
have the West Bank,

941
00:48:38,430 --> 00:48:41,332
and that hasn't gone so well.

942
00:48:41,399 --> 00:48:44,735
[Applause]

943
00:48:47,335 --> 00:48:50,403
Can I talk to a guy in the front row first?

944
00:48:50,503 --> 00:48:51,093
Sure

945
00:48:51,293 --> 00:48:54,293
Yes, What is your name infidel?

946
00:48:55,073 --> 00:48:56,893
What?
<font color=#00FF00>Homel</font>

947
00:48:56,953 --> 00:48:58,976
Homer?

948
00:49:02,006 --> 00:49:03,948
Like Simpson?

949
00:49:06,849 --> 00:49:09,148
[Mimicking Homer Simpson]

950
00:49:15,748 --> 00:49:19,048
OK. You said Homel

951
00:49:19,148 --> 00:49:21,085
OK Good Ho Mel.

952
00:49:21,976 --> 00:49:23,946
Homel what do you do for living?

953
00:49:24,146 --> 00:49:24,908
<font color=#00FF00>Electronics</font>

954
00:49:25,108 --> 00:49:27,885
Electronics, Oh I like you..

955
00:49:33,485 --> 00:49:36,500
So what do you do with
electronics Homel?

956
00:49:37,900 --> 00:49:38,925
<font color=#00FF00>I buy them</font>

957
00:49:39,125 --> 00:49:40,685
Oh you buy them.

958
00:49:42,585 --> 00:49:45,585
Do you eventually sell them?

959
00:49:46,385 --> 00:49:48,785
Is this your girlfriend your wife what?

960
00:49:49,323 --> 00:49:50,187
<font color=#00FF00>His mother in law</font>

961
00:49:50,387 --> 00:49:52,887
Oh Mother In Law

962
00:49:57,887 --> 00:50:00,672
That's a sad date you have Homel

963
00:50:06,204 --> 00:50:10,140
Dear Achmed, can you
whistle the Hava Nagila?

964
00:50:10,208 --> 00:50:13,644
[Laughter]

965
00:50:13,712 --> 00:50:17,481
[whistles hava nagila]

966
00:50:17,549 --> 00:50:21,385
[Applause]

967
00:50:28,426 --> 00:50:32,296
[continues hava nagila]

968
00:50:40,372 --> 00:50:41,772
-You guys have been awesome!

969
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:43,207
Thanks for coming out!

970
00:51:10,207 --> 00:51:11,485
Have you learned anything interesting

971
00:51:11,495 --> 00:51:13,133
From visiting our country and

972
00:51:13,143 --> 00:51:15,254
Do you use any of these bits
in your comedy shows?

973
00:51:15,264 --> 00:51:17,136
We did the thing called
"Walking With The Lions"

974
00:51:17,146 --> 00:51:18,390
We went out there and actually

975
00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:20,415
Full grown lions, we are
actually walking with them.

976
00:51:20,425 --> 00:51:21,289
While the guy that works there

977
00:51:21,290 --> 00:51:23,400
Throws them pieces of chicken
to keep them busy

978
00:51:23,600 --> 00:51:25,600
And if he runs out of chicken
You are screwed.

979
00:51:26,118 --> 00:51:30,086
[Applause]

980
00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:34,090
-What do you think of
South Africa so far?

981
00:51:34,158 --> 00:51:34,891
-Honestly?

982
00:51:34,959 --> 00:51:35,692
-Yeah.

983
00:51:35,759 --> 00:51:38,294
-Not what I thought it would be.

984
00:51:38,362 --> 00:51:38,695
-How's that?

985
00:51:38,863 --> 00:51:42,298
-Look out there.

986
00:51:42,366 --> 00:51:43,733
We're in Africa, right?

987
00:51:46,670 --> 00:51:48,972
Lot of white folks out there.

988
00:51:49,039 --> 00:51:51,874
[Laughter]

989
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:54,711
[Applause]

990
00:51:57,381 --> 00:51:58,648
-It is South Africa.

991
00:51:58,716 --> 00:52:00,883
-OK.

992
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:04,821
But it's the continent of Africa.

993
00:52:04,888 --> 00:52:10,293
Well this is not what I
remember from the Tarzan movies.

994
00:52:10,361 --> 00:52:12,395
What is your first name?

995
00:52:12,613 --> 00:52:13,363
David?

996
00:52:13,430 --> 00:52:17,400
And guys named David and Warren.

997
00:52:17,468 --> 00:52:19,435
I don't think those
are African names.

998
00:52:19,503 --> 00:52:22,472
[Laughter]

999
00:52:22,539 --> 00:52:24,674
I was expecting like
[click click whistle].

1000
00:52:24,742 --> 00:52:26,943
[Laughter]

1001
00:52:32,443 --> 00:52:34,545
Hey David what do you do for living?

1002
00:52:35,324 --> 00:52:36,499
Signage?

1003
00:52:36,599 --> 00:52:39,089
What do you mean signage?
You put up signs?

1004
00:52:39,289 --> 00:52:42,079
That's exciting David

1005
00:52:44,479 --> 00:52:46,379
Like, STOP.

1006
00:52:48,589 --> 00:52:49,990
Shit there's been an accident here?

1007
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,890
Well, where is the fuckin sign?
David..

1008
00:52:55,290 --> 00:52:56,521
You not the asshole putting all the

1009
00:52:56,531 --> 00:52:58,957
Political signs around town?
Are ya?

1010
00:52:59,957 --> 00:53:02,237
This is the guy. Right here

1011
00:53:08,437 --> 00:53:09,737
Did you know the one of biggest problems

1012
00:53:09,747 --> 00:53:11,811
Of South Africa is poaching of rhinos

1013
00:53:11,991 --> 00:53:13,975
Oh, Yes, I have heard this

1014
00:53:14,375 --> 00:53:16,567
It is mainly for the rhino horn

1015
00:53:16,767 --> 00:53:17,767
That's right.. Yes

1016
00:53:17,967 --> 00:53:19,098
Did you know that you really don't get

1017
00:53:19,100 --> 00:53:21,014
in trouble here if you kill a poacher?

1018
00:53:21,024 --> 00:53:21,914
Really? Right.

1019
00:53:21,924 --> 00:53:23,540
So you can kill poachers?

1020
00:53:23,740 --> 00:53:24,740
You can hunt them

1021
00:53:25,440 --> 00:53:26,100
That's right

1022
00:53:26,110 --> 00:53:27,323
Well, that's what I have heard.

1023
00:53:27,523 --> 00:53:29,657
OK. But it'll be weird having a trophy

1024
00:53:29,667 --> 00:53:30,948
On your wall of a stuffed guy

1025
00:53:30,950 --> 00:53:32,148
Named Gary.

1026
00:53:34,011 --> 00:53:36,078
-You know, Bubba J,
Jo'burg is a lively city.

1027
00:53:36,146 --> 00:53:37,847
-Oh yeah, unless you get shot.

1028
00:53:40,284 --> 00:53:41,751
-Did you know that
South Africa has

1029
00:53:41,768 --> 00:53:44,120
the largest brewery
in the world?

1030
00:53:44,187 --> 00:53:46,088
[gasp]

1031
00:53:46,156 --> 00:53:49,058
[Applause]

1032
00:53:49,126 --> 00:53:50,826
-The largest brewery?

1033
00:53:53,897 --> 00:53:57,066
I'm going to write a letter.

1034
00:53:57,134 --> 00:53:59,243
My dearest wife,

1035
00:54:00,043 --> 00:54:03,043
For reasons
you will of course understand,

1036
00:54:03,206 --> 00:54:04,974
I am never coming home.

1037
00:54:05,042 --> 00:54:08,277
[Laughter]

1038
00:54:08,345 --> 00:54:11,147
[Applause]

1039
00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:16,585
So after you become a
citizen of the South Africa,

1040
00:54:16,653 --> 00:54:20,489
how long does it take for
your skin to turn black?

1041
00:54:20,557 --> 00:54:23,859
[Laughter]

1042
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:30,933
These guys are early
on too, I think.

1043
00:54:31,001 --> 00:54:32,735
[Applause]

1044
00:54:35,835 --> 00:54:37,880
Okatol is a place you can see lions

1045
00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:43,789
Scary Lions, Bad ass Lions
Very Very close up..

1046
00:54:45,389 --> 00:54:48,493
So I'm sitting amongst ten lion cubs

1047
00:54:48,503 --> 00:54:49,993
That are just on the verge of

1048
00:54:50,193 --> 00:54:51,593
Being unbelievably dangerous

1049
00:54:51,793 --> 00:54:53,080
And I been told not to bother them

1050
00:54:53,090 --> 00:54:54,188
While they are eating or they will

1051
00:54:54,198 --> 00:54:55,958
Turn me into part of the meal

1052
00:54:57,458 --> 00:54:58,869
You need to come in here

1053
00:54:59,069 --> 00:54:59,817
I'm Good.

1054
00:55:00,017 --> 00:55:02,347
Na Come on. Trust me it's fine.

1055
00:55:03,747 --> 00:55:05,807
So I hand Rothpan a lion

1056
00:55:06,007 --> 00:55:07,837
I literally thought that guy was
gonna pass out

1057
00:55:07,857 --> 00:55:09,523
I mean he has never held anything

1058
00:55:09,533 --> 00:55:10,823
in his hand except maybe

1059
00:55:11,023 --> 00:55:14,061
A sandwich and now he has an unhappy lion.

1060
00:55:14,261 --> 00:55:17,600
There you go. let me try and kiss you.
It's fantastic

1061
00:55:17,700 --> 00:55:21,830
This is very.. relaxing..
Fine.. You doing well

1062
00:55:23,430 --> 00:55:25,907
You are good. You are obviously good
with cats. Yeah..

1063
00:55:26,107 --> 00:55:29,107
Very Nice.. that's good all right

1064
00:55:35,607 --> 00:55:37,226
I know you went on a uh..

1065
00:55:37,426 --> 00:55:40,210
Sight seeing bus tour today.
Yes I did.

1066
00:55:41,394 --> 00:55:43,090
Six hour bus ride.

1067
00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:44,690
What did you see?

1068
00:55:44,890 --> 00:55:46,990
One block..

1069
00:55:49,690 --> 00:55:51,838
They say JoBerg is known best for its

1070
00:55:51,840 --> 00:55:54,949
Cultural diversity.
No it's not..

1071
00:55:55,449 --> 00:55:57,449
It's the fuckin traffic.

1072
00:56:00,249 --> 00:56:02,092
Maybe traffic would moved around better

1073
00:56:02,102 --> 00:56:04,752
If they put up the right signs..

1074
00:56:06,503 --> 00:56:08,303
-All right, you guys
have just been great.

1075
00:56:08,371 --> 00:56:09,271
What a crowd.

1076
00:56:09,339 --> 00:56:10,439
Thank you so much.

1077
00:56:11,507 --> 00:56:13,162
All right, let's turn up
the lights real quick.

1078
00:56:13,163 --> 00:56:14,027
Can we do the house lights?

1079
00:56:14,028 --> 00:56:15,227
Let's do this real quick?

1080
00:56:15,244 --> 00:56:16,545
Let's see what this
is gonna look like?

1081
00:56:16,613 --> 00:56:17,513
Oh yeah, this'll be great.

1082
00:56:18,020 --> 00:56:19,080
Hold on, let me get Achmed.

1083
00:56:19,088 --> 00:56:20,135
Hold on a second.

1084
00:56:21,082 --> 00:56:21,583
Can you do it sideways?

1085
00:56:21,850 --> 00:56:22,601
Is that good?

1086
00:56:23,819 --> 00:56:25,386
This way.

1087
00:56:25,454 --> 00:56:26,587
-You dumbass idiot, Jeff.

1088
00:56:50,046 --> 00:56:52,614
-Have you seen the size of
the bugs in this country?

1089
00:56:52,681 --> 00:56:53,448
[Laughter]

1090
00:56:53,516 --> 00:56:54,310
-Yeah, there's some big ones.

1091
00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:56,117
-There was a beetle
in our hotel room,

1092
00:56:56,185 --> 00:56:57,819
and my wife wanted
me to step on it?

1093
00:56:57,887 --> 00:56:58,620
-What did you do?

1094
00:56:58,687 --> 00:56:59,021
-Nothing.

1095
00:56:59,089 --> 00:57:02,123
The damn thing grabbed my wife's
poodle and flew out the window.

1096
00:57:02,191 --> 00:57:03,091
[Laughter]

1097
00:57:03,159 --> 00:57:05,892
I love this country.

1098
00:57:08,092 --> 00:57:10,092
[Mimicking Puppy's Cry]

1099
00:57:13,452 --> 00:57:15,382
Bye.. hah hah hah..

1100
00:57:17,582 --> 00:57:19,389
I thought that Irish can throw back a few

1101
00:57:19,400 --> 00:57:22,661
But you guys are the drinking
champions of the world..

1102
00:57:27,001 --> 00:57:31,393
I'm surprised you don't have dead
sharks with alcohol poisoning

1103
00:57:31,893 --> 00:57:34,203
After eating your surfers..

1104
00:57:35,103 --> 00:57:36,722
Did you know that even though Australia

1105
00:57:36,732 --> 00:57:38,881
Had a bit influx of criminals they now

1106
00:57:38,891 --> 00:57:40,359
have you know.. only..

1107
00:57:40,559 --> 00:57:41,768
I don't know.. one fifth as many

1108
00:57:41,778 --> 00:57:43,533
Murders as we do in the US.

1109
00:57:43,733 --> 00:57:44,733
Oh yeah?

1110
00:57:46,133 --> 00:57:47,741
Does that surprise you?

1111
00:57:48,441 --> 00:57:50,164
It doesn't you?
No

1112
00:57:50,364 --> 00:57:52,777
You know how much practice it
takes to kill somebody

1113
00:57:52,787 --> 00:57:55,327
With the fricking Boomerang

1114
00:58:00,527 --> 00:58:02,951
It's like a thousand to one

1115
00:58:03,451 --> 00:58:05,721
I know my wife tried..

1116
00:58:06,721 --> 00:58:07,950
That poodle flew out the window

1117
00:58:07,951 --> 00:58:10,425
And she is like you son of a bitch

1118
00:58:11,025 --> 00:58:13,602
What the f.. what the.. Oh

1119
00:58:17,202 --> 00:58:19,530
By the way, Are we getting paid
for this gig?

1120
00:58:20,230 --> 00:58:23,630
It's not that aborigine border crap. Is it?

1121
00:58:25,030 --> 00:58:26,120
What? we are not gonna get like a

1122
00:58:26,130 --> 00:58:29,750
Bag full of Kuala poop or something
like that. Are we?

1123
00:58:29,850 --> 00:58:33,360
Some feathers and a long ass horn
that plays one note

1124
00:58:36,060 --> 00:58:38,230
Thank you for coming

1125
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:50,480
Shut the fuck up..

1126
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:54,130
-So what are the
differences you've

1127
00:58:54,198 --> 00:58:57,033
found between Australia
and the United States?

1128
00:58:57,101 --> 00:59:00,336
-Well, I think down here
my marriage goes down

1129
00:59:00,404 --> 00:59:03,339
the toilet in the other direction.

1130
00:59:04,639 --> 00:59:06,902
So Buba J, Have you enjoyed
Australia so far?

1131
00:59:07,102 --> 00:59:09,003
Well, Someone told me that tomorrow

1132
00:59:09,203 --> 00:59:11,930
We are gonna go to the Oprah's house

1133
00:59:17,230 --> 00:59:18,874
You mean, The Sydney Opera House?

1134
00:59:18,890 --> 00:59:20,674
Yeah that's it..

1135
00:59:21,354 --> 00:59:23,118
It's not Oprah it's Opera

1136
00:59:23,318 --> 00:59:26,618
well, Like you said they
talk different here

1137
00:59:28,333 --> 00:59:31,078
So, what are the Austrians
do for fun down here?

1138
00:59:33,378 --> 00:59:35,697
Australians.. yeah them too

1139
00:59:36,797 --> 00:59:38,850
You know in a couple days we will
be heading to New Zealand

1140
00:59:39,050 --> 00:59:42,249
Oww. Yeah. I have heard that they have

1141
00:59:42,250 --> 00:59:44,421
More sheep than humans there..

1142
00:59:46,021 --> 00:59:48,386
Then I guess the country's slogan  should be:

1143
00:59:48,586 --> 00:59:52,526
"New Zealand where baaha means No"

1144
00:59:56,526 --> 00:59:57,800
You met any bogens?

1145
01:00:01,800 --> 01:00:02,895
What the hell is a bogen?

1146
01:00:02,905 --> 01:00:04,073
A bogen is what they call someone who

1147
01:00:04,083 --> 01:00:07,401
Unsophisticated, Uneducated or
not a lot of class

1148
01:00:07,405 --> 01:00:08,514
Ow.. Yes I have..
Who?

1149
01:00:08,515 --> 01:00:09,714
Jeff faa faa

1150
01:00:13,814 --> 01:00:15,226
What have you learned about this country?

1151
01:00:15,326 --> 01:00:17,926
Ah.. I know the Aussies like to party

1152
01:00:18,126 --> 01:00:20,224
I understand there are pretty much no

1153
01:00:20,239 --> 01:00:22,326
Virgins left here

1154
01:00:24,203 --> 01:00:26,606
Except for maybe that guy, right there

1155
01:00:27,007 --> 01:00:28,674
Just guessing.

1156
01:00:31,011 --> 01:00:34,143
-Dear Achmed, my dream
was to see you and Jeff.

1157
01:00:34,181 --> 01:00:36,115
I've been waiting
for seven long years,

1158
01:00:36,283 --> 01:00:38,848
so because I've been waiting
so long, could I please

1159
01:00:38,855 --> 01:00:40,119
have a picture with both of you.

1160
01:00:40,187 --> 01:00:41,921
Thanks, Joanne.

1161
01:00:41,988 --> 01:00:42,821
Joanne, where are you?

1162
01:00:42,859 --> 01:00:43,923
Right there?

1163
01:00:44,191 --> 01:00:45,591
-Hehe, no.

1164
01:00:45,659 --> 01:00:48,061
[Laughter]

1165
01:00:49,008 --> 01:00:51,885
Come on, that's fine.
Come up here.

1166
01:00:54,534 --> 01:00:55,834
-OK, where's your camera?

1167
01:00:56,342 --> 01:00:57,393
<font color=#00FF00>-Um, my friend has it.</font>

1168
01:00:57,394 --> 01:00:58,938
-Well, that doesn't
fucking help.

1169
01:00:59,006 --> 01:01:00,873
[Laughter]

1170
01:01:01,641 --> 01:01:03,009
-OK, well take a
picture of the screen.

1171
01:01:03,077 --> 01:01:05,011
[Laughter]

1172
01:01:05,979 --> 01:01:06,379
-Smile.

1173
01:01:06,447 --> 01:01:08,181
Stop looking at me and
rubbing your tits on my back.

1174
01:01:08,248 --> 01:01:09,615
[Laughter]

1175
01:01:09,683 --> 01:01:13,920
[Applause]

1176
01:01:14,387 --> 01:01:15,603
Because it's not my back.

1177
01:01:15,629 --> 01:01:16,556
It's his hand.

1178
01:01:16,623 --> 01:01:19,692
[Laughter]

1179
01:01:20,160 --> 01:01:21,003
<font color=#00FF00>-Thank you.</font>

1180
01:01:21,061 --> 01:01:21,885
-Actually do it again.

1181
01:01:22,002 --> 01:01:22,495
-No!

1182
01:01:22,563 --> 01:01:23,463
[Laughter]

1183
01:01:24,030 --> 01:01:25,364
-I got your back.
All right..

1184
01:01:26,202 --> 01:01:26,832
And her front.

1185
01:01:26,850 --> 01:01:27,300
-I got it.

1186
01:01:27,367 --> 01:01:29,502
All right Terribly sorry.

1187
01:01:29,570 --> 01:01:31,036
-Your wife is backstage.
[Laughter]

1188
01:01:31,051 --> 01:01:31,504
-I know.

1189
01:01:32,139 --> 01:01:34,207
-He took a feel
with his knuckles.

1190
01:01:34,274 --> 01:01:35,141
-No, I didn't!

1191
01:01:38,746 --> 01:01:40,146
-Fun coming up here, isn't it?

1192
01:01:40,214 --> 01:01:41,047
[Laughter]

1193
01:01:41,415 --> 01:01:42,327
-You can get closer.

1194
01:01:42,415 --> 01:01:43,849
Just stand right next to Achmed.

1195
01:01:43,997 --> 01:01:47,019
-And don't rub your hoo hooters.

1196
01:01:47,647 --> 01:01:49,755
Do not rub your
hooters on my scapula.

1197
01:01:49,823 --> 01:01:51,958
[Laughter]

1198
01:01:55,562 --> 01:01:58,865
[Applause]

1199
01:02:01,301 --> 01:02:02,465
I took a peek.

1200
01:02:02,472 --> 01:02:03,803
-I know.

1201
01:02:04,271 --> 01:02:05,177
-I see for you.

1202
01:02:05,185 --> 01:02:06,471
-Stop it.

1203
01:02:09,343 --> 01:02:10,443
OK, ready?

1204
01:02:10,511 --> 01:02:12,577
We'll smile, whoever
is taking the picture.

1205
01:02:28,796 --> 01:02:30,997
So Walter, what do you
think of Singapore so far?

1206
01:02:31,064 --> 01:02:33,832
-Uh, it's pretty crowded here.

1207
01:02:33,900 --> 01:02:34,900
-Oh yeah, that's true.

1208
01:02:34,908 --> 01:02:36,863
It's actually the
second most densely

1209
01:02:36,873 --> 01:02:39,020
populated country in the world.

1210
01:02:39,021 --> 01:02:39,904
-Oh.

1211
01:02:42,309 --> 01:02:45,211
Well, don't flatter yourself.

1212
01:02:45,279 --> 01:02:47,263
All these folks aren't
here to see you.

1213
01:02:47,270 --> 01:02:50,247
There was just no
room for them outside.

1214
01:02:55,047 --> 01:02:56,887
We came all the way from Hollywood

1215
01:02:56,890 --> 01:02:58,568
California to be here

1216
01:02:58,668 --> 01:03:00,280
And did you now what the first place our

1217
01:03:00,290 --> 01:03:02,537
Tour guide recommended for us to visit?

1218
01:03:02,937 --> 01:03:05,737
Universal Freakin Studios

1219
01:03:10,837 --> 01:03:14,313
I was like we have that dumbass

1220
01:03:15,351 --> 01:03:17,085
-What do you like
about Singapore so far?

1221
01:03:17,153 --> 01:03:19,955
Well, they have some tough laws.

1222
01:03:20,022 --> 01:03:21,389
-Oh, you heard about that?

1223
01:03:21,457 --> 01:03:22,524
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1224
01:03:22,592 --> 01:03:24,626
Yeah.

1225
01:03:24,694 --> 01:03:26,461
-Did you know you can
get fined or caned

1226
01:03:26,529 --> 01:03:29,731
for not flushing a toilet after using it?

1227
01:03:29,799 --> 01:03:32,100
[Laughter]

1228
01:03:32,168 --> 01:03:35,470
-And who the hell
checks up on that?

1229
01:03:35,538 --> 01:03:37,205
[Laughter]

1230
01:03:37,273 --> 01:03:38,840
What, do you got the shit police?

1231
01:03:38,908 --> 01:03:41,576
[Laughter]

1232
01:03:41,644 --> 01:03:45,614
It's the SSP, the
Singapore shit police.

1233
01:03:45,681 --> 01:03:47,582
[Laughter]

1234
01:03:47,650 --> 01:03:50,418
[Applause]

1235
01:03:51,520 --> 01:03:52,921
I am not kidding.

1236
01:03:52,989 --> 01:03:55,190
How the hell do they know?

1237
01:03:55,258 --> 01:03:56,191
[sniff sniff]

1238
01:03:56,259 --> 01:03:57,692
Ah, that guy.

1239
01:03:57,760 --> 01:04:00,929
[Laughter]

1240
01:04:00,997 --> 01:04:04,099
Is it a random check?

1241
01:04:04,166 --> 01:04:07,435
Or do they patrol the potties?

1242
01:04:07,503 --> 01:04:10,372
Shit duty.

1243
01:04:10,439 --> 01:04:12,607
Fred, you investigating
that murder today?

1244
01:04:12,675 --> 01:04:15,943
No, I have a tip that we
have a serial non-flusher.

1245
01:04:15,951 --> 01:04:18,079
[Laughter]

1246
01:04:18,879 --> 01:04:20,153
Did you know Singapore's Airport is

1247
01:04:20,155 --> 01:04:22,508
Considered to be nicest in the world?

1248
01:04:22,708 --> 01:04:24,886
Oh really?

1249
01:04:25,686 --> 01:04:28,510
The nicest airport in the world?
That's right.. Yeah

1250
01:04:28,550 --> 01:04:29,919
Do they have many other things

1251
01:04:29,925 --> 01:04:31,983
That they say are nicest in the world?

1252
01:04:32,183 --> 01:04:33,383
I.. ab.. I'm not sure..

1253
01:04:33,390 --> 01:04:35,903
So when you drive away
from Singapore Airport

1254
01:04:35,923 --> 01:04:39,103
It's all downhill after that?

1255
01:04:41,403 --> 01:04:42,303
No..

1256
01:04:43,503 --> 01:04:45,626
I found out that every male in Singapore

1257
01:04:45,646 --> 01:04:47,199
who is over 18 has been trained on

1258
01:04:47,200 --> 01:04:48,399
How to use a gun

1259
01:04:48,599 --> 01:04:50,163
Oh..
In other words

1260
01:04:50,363 --> 01:04:53,363
You better be funny asshole

1261
01:04:56,149 --> 01:04:58,417
-I heard you say earlier that
in Singapore if you break

1262
01:04:58,485 --> 01:05:01,378
certain laws they
beat you with a stick.

1263
01:05:03,023 --> 01:05:04,590
Well, maybe while
they're here, Jose

1264
01:05:04,658 --> 01:05:06,258
Can pick up a
little extra work.

1265
01:05:06,326 --> 01:05:09,194
[Laughter]

1266
01:05:09,262 --> 01:05:12,798
-So this has been a
fun tour around the--

1267
01:05:12,866 --> 01:05:14,099
where everywhere--
everywhere we went.

1268
01:05:14,167 --> 01:05:15,200
I love Singapore.

1269
01:05:15,268 --> 01:05:17,303
It's my favourite European city.

1270
01:05:17,370 --> 01:05:20,639
[Laughter]

1271
01:05:20,707 --> 01:05:22,139
Do you know they have save water

1272
01:05:22,141 --> 01:05:23,208
campaign here in Singapore?

1273
01:05:23,276 --> 01:05:24,680
-Oh, well I know.

1274
01:05:24,691 --> 01:05:27,112
So today I drank 18 beers instead.

1275
01:05:27,180 --> 01:05:28,580
[Laughter]

1276
01:05:28,748 --> 01:05:30,348
You're welcome.

1277
01:05:34,187 --> 01:05:37,056
So what's different
here than where we live?

1278
01:05:37,123 --> 01:05:40,626
-Well, I think religiously
there a lot more Buddhists here.

1279
01:05:40,694 --> 01:05:43,028
-Buddhists?

1280
01:05:43,096 --> 01:05:44,962
They all wear boots?

1281
01:05:48,334 --> 01:05:50,469
So what do they do?

1282
01:05:50,537 --> 01:05:53,038
-Well, for one they
believe in reincarnation.

1283
01:05:53,106 --> 01:05:55,206
-Re-incarceration?

1284
01:05:55,274 --> 01:05:57,242
[Laughter]

1285
01:05:59,212 --> 01:06:01,313
You get out and suddenly
you're right back in.

1286
01:06:01,381 --> 01:06:04,149
[Laughter]

1287
01:06:04,217 --> 01:06:05,684
-No, reincarnation.

1288
01:06:05,752 --> 01:06:10,389
That you can have entire past
lives you don't even remember.

1289
01:06:10,457 --> 01:06:11,990
That happened to me yesterday.

1290
01:06:11,998 --> 01:06:14,026
[Laughter]

1291
01:06:16,006 --> 01:06:17,746
What's your name?

1292
01:06:17,796 --> 01:06:18,946
What?

1293
01:06:21,546 --> 01:06:24,246
I'm sorry, Say it again slower and louder

1294
01:06:24,446 --> 01:06:25,446
<font color=#00FF00>Raniel</font>

1295
01:06:28,846 --> 01:06:31,815
I think I broke my tongue

1296
01:06:36,015 --> 01:06:39,015
Is there an American version of that name?

1297
01:06:40,075 --> 01:06:42,789
Like, Ralph.

1298
01:06:43,889 --> 01:06:44,822
Let's try one more time.

1299
01:06:44,832 --> 01:06:49,372
Say it again.
You watch closely, cos its not me fuckin up

1300
01:06:55,072 --> 01:06:58,273
OK. Say it again.
<font color=#00FF00>Raniel</font>

1301
01:07:01,373 --> 01:07:03,124
Rin yal?

1302
01:07:03,324 --> 01:07:04,324
Ranyal..

1303
01:07:07,324 --> 01:07:09,524
Oh, So sorry..

1304
01:07:14,324 --> 01:07:17,024
So, Rinyal

1305
01:07:17,224 --> 01:07:18,224
Shut up.

1306
01:07:19,924 --> 01:07:21,204
What's your job?

1307
01:07:21,404 --> 01:07:23,564
<font color=#00FF00>I'm in Telecom</font>
Telecom? <font color=#00FF00>Yeah</font>

1308
01:07:23,764 --> 01:07:27,444
Oh, you are the guy (Indian accent)
"Can I help you with your problem?"

1309
01:07:31,244 --> 01:07:34,954
So, Rinyal what do you..

1310
01:07:41,054 --> 01:07:43,054
Going down hill isn't it?
Yeah..

1311
01:07:43,454 --> 01:07:44,654
So you are on the phone going

1312
01:07:44,664 --> 01:07:45,864
What's wrong with you phone

1313
01:07:45,874 --> 01:07:48,164
I can fuck you up even more.

1314
01:07:50,864 --> 01:07:52,548
Don't tell anyone I'm trying to get

1315
01:07:52,550 --> 01:07:54,748
Porn. Can you help me?

1316
01:07:57,048 --> 01:07:59,948
[whip]
Ah, Never mind

1317
01:08:01,148 --> 01:08:03,649
I just got caned.. I know

1318
01:08:05,449 --> 01:08:07,904
You need to make a new Singapore dummy

1319
01:08:07,914 --> 01:08:09,354
mm, What is it?

1320
01:08:09,364 --> 01:08:13,454
I want it to be the caning Singapore dummy

1321
01:08:13,654 --> 01:08:15,474
So that way when you say stupid stuff

1322
01:08:15,484 --> 01:08:17,974
It goes [whip sound] across your legs

1323
01:08:18,474 --> 01:08:20,975
And you go ahh ohhh

1324
01:08:21,175 --> 01:08:22,263
And then when you fall down

1325
01:08:22,273 --> 01:08:24,863
Rinyal goes:
"Hello can I help you?"

1326
01:08:30,663 --> 01:08:32,207
You know Singapore is one
of the only country

1327
01:08:32,217 --> 01:08:34,947
Around here that recognizes Israel.

1328
01:08:35,747 --> 01:08:37,637
What the hell does that mean?

1329
01:08:38,037 --> 01:08:40,238
How could you not recognize it?

1330
01:08:40,438 --> 01:08:42,168
It's like eyy..

1331
01:08:42,368 --> 01:08:45,368
What that country with all that
Jews over there?

1332
01:08:46,568 --> 01:08:49,668
I have no idea, I don't recognize it.

1333
01:08:52,468 --> 01:08:54,269
Do do the other countries see Israel at

1334
01:08:54,270 --> 01:08:55,922
A party they are like, "No..

1335
01:08:56,022 --> 01:08:57,122
I don't think we have met.."

1336
01:08:59,122 --> 01:09:01,636
And where is Buba J's friend uhuhuhuh

1337
01:09:04,136 --> 01:09:06,267
Can you help me call uhruhrh?

1338
01:09:23,872 --> 01:09:26,140
-We had a great show in
Singapore, we're packing up,

1339
01:09:26,208 --> 01:09:29,377
and Marnel, my tour manager
comes in to deliver some news.

1340
01:09:29,445 --> 01:09:31,345
And he's sweating.

1341
01:09:32,413 --> 01:09:33,047
-Hey, what's up?

1342
01:09:33,055 --> 01:09:33,981
-Come in.

1343
01:09:34,049 --> 01:09:37,718
-I've got some
information on Malaysia.

1344
01:09:37,786 --> 01:09:39,449
They're reviewing several options,

1345
01:09:39,521 --> 01:09:43,057
And option A is not going to be--

1346
01:09:43,125 --> 01:09:45,827
-Option A meaning
I can't use Achmed.

1347
01:09:45,894 --> 01:09:49,430
-It hasn't been defined by
the cultural-- what is it?

1348
01:09:49,498 --> 01:09:50,765
The Cultural sensitivity.

1349
01:09:50,833 --> 01:09:51,999
-Hold it.

1350
01:09:52,067 --> 01:09:54,235
You're saying that these
guys-- who are these guys?

1351
01:09:54,303 --> 01:09:56,337
-It's actually one of
their religious leaders

1352
01:09:56,405 --> 01:09:58,806
that they had to fly to
another city to meet with them.

1353
01:09:58,874 --> 01:10:02,276
-I'm telling you I am the
lamb going to slaughter.

1354
01:10:02,344 --> 01:10:03,768
So they'll start
booing, and they're

1355
01:10:03,773 --> 01:10:05,005
not going to be booing me.

1356
01:10:05,047 --> 01:10:08,416
They're going to be booing the
fact that this is happening.

1357
01:10:08,484 --> 01:10:09,884
-They're probably aware
a lot of this stuff.

1358
01:10:09,952 --> 01:10:11,119
They're probably
used to restrictions.

1359
01:10:11,186 --> 01:10:12,353
-No, they're not.

1360
01:10:12,421 --> 01:10:13,888
-They're probably used to
living with [inaudible].

1361
01:10:13,956 --> 01:10:16,491
-We are promoting the show
with Achmed on the poster.

1362
01:10:18,154 --> 01:10:19,157
It's gonna be a challenge because

1363
01:10:19,168 --> 01:10:20,765
Obviously, I have to..

1364
01:10:20,965 --> 01:10:23,196
Leave out, Any references to anything

1365
01:10:23,906 --> 01:10:25,667
even remotely, relating to religion.

1366
01:10:25,677 --> 01:10:27,381
I can't even say the word virgin

1367
01:10:27,391 --> 01:10:29,817
I can't even say the name Achmed

1368
01:10:31,617 --> 01:10:33,197
I mean I could, Of course i could but

1369
01:10:34,397 --> 01:10:36,561
I wanna go home. I don't wanna
stay here and get caned.

1370
01:10:41,831 --> 01:10:44,699
Well, the main concern for
the Malaysian government

1371
01:10:44,767 --> 01:10:49,304
is that an artist is suitable
for the Malaysian culture.

1372
01:10:49,372 --> 01:10:52,413
Achmed is a little bit sensitive
to the Malaysian public.

1373
01:10:52,441 --> 01:10:56,277
We need to be careful
about what we put on stage.

1374
01:10:56,345 --> 01:10:59,914
The final ruling is that
Achmed the dead terrorist

1375
01:10:59,982 --> 01:11:02,150
is not allowed on stage.

1376
01:11:06,950 --> 01:11:08,522
Have you learnt anything constructive

1377
01:11:08,524 --> 01:11:10,325
About Malaysia since we been here?

1378
01:11:10,425 --> 01:11:12,233
I did learn on the radio

1379
01:11:12,333 --> 01:11:14,963
You can not talk about politics
religion or sex.

1380
01:11:14,964 --> 01:11:18,223
That's right.
Well, there goes most of our show

1381
01:11:23,423 --> 01:11:25,063
Did you know that Malaysia has been

1382
01:11:25,073 --> 01:11:28,043
Independent now for 47 years..

1383
01:11:30,700 --> 01:11:32,643
Fascinating.

1384
01:11:33,343 --> 01:11:34,798
And the coincidence..
What's that?

1385
01:11:34,800 --> 01:11:36,636
I lost my independency when I

1386
01:11:36,640 --> 01:11:39,036
got married 47 years ago

1387
01:11:41,736 --> 01:11:42,810
Guess what?

1388
01:11:42,823 --> 01:11:44,695
We don't talk about politics

1389
01:11:45,295 --> 01:11:48,595
I lost my religion and there is no sex

1390
01:11:54,489 --> 01:11:55,876
So I'm in the middle of my show

1391
01:11:55,880 --> 01:11:57,557
I look towards the sides of room and

1392
01:11:57,567 --> 01:11:59,372
There is military guys with rifles

1393
01:11:59,472 --> 01:12:01,172
And they don't look happy

1394
01:12:02,562 --> 01:12:04,507
Please don't get me into the trouble

1395
01:12:06,035 --> 01:12:07,707
I don't care

1396
01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:10,387
Keep looking around

1397
01:12:11,215 --> 01:12:13,287
You are surrounded

1398
01:12:15,395 --> 01:12:17,959
Please let me change the subject..

1399
01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:20,740
OH KAY..

1400
01:12:21,640 --> 01:12:23,640
I like being here.. OK.

1401
01:12:23,840 --> 01:12:24,922
That's good cos you might be here

1402
01:12:24,923 --> 01:12:26,922
A long time.

1403
01:12:30,022 --> 01:12:33,440
What is your first name?
<font color=#00FF00>Sean</font> . Sean

1404
01:12:33,640 --> 01:12:36,500
Is that with the 'ean' or 'H'?
<font color=#00FF00>'ean'</font>

1405
01:12:36,501 --> 01:12:39,700
Oh, 'ean, So its actually Seen.
No..

1406
01:12:41,200 --> 01:12:42,623
Is this your wife, your girlfriend

1407
01:12:42,633 --> 01:12:45,083
Or another investment chic. Who is this?

1408
01:12:50,983 --> 01:12:54,067
What? <font color=#00FF00>Mom</font>.
Oh, your mom.

1409
01:12:54,767 --> 01:12:57,267
Holy shit

1410
01:13:06,067 --> 01:13:07,771
So Sean where is your girlfriend?

1411
01:13:08,671 --> 01:13:10,651
<font color=#00FF00>At Home
</font>At.. at home?

1412
01:13:10,751 --> 01:13:12,851
What the hell dude?

1413
01:13:13,751 --> 01:13:17,151
Is it cos your mom paid for the ticket?

1414
01:13:23,127 --> 01:13:24,965
Why'd you bring your mom
and not your sister?

1415
01:13:25,165 --> 01:13:26,920
uh. uh.. Your girlf.. What the fuck.

1416
01:13:26,930 --> 01:13:29,820
Hey, Maybe it's a same thing

1417
01:13:35,020 --> 01:13:36,392
You can be honest. Is your you..

1418
01:13:36,395 --> 01:13:39,984
your girlfriend doesn't care about us?
Is that it?

1419
01:13:40,604 --> 01:13:41,620
<font color=#00FF00>She got exams</font>

1420
01:13:41,820 --> 01:13:45,146
Oh, she she, In the middle
of final exams?

1421
01:13:46,246 --> 01:13:48,757
And you just don't care.

1422
01:13:52,857 --> 01:13:54,023
You gonna tell your professor:

1423
01:13:54,025 --> 01:13:57,223
"But Sir, I was at a puppet show."

1424
01:14:00,223 --> 01:14:02,621
"With my mom"

1425
01:14:05,001 --> 01:14:07,736
Sean what is your girlfriend studying?

1426
01:14:08,436 --> 01:14:09,320
<font color=#00FF00>Management</font>.

1427
01:14:09,330 --> 01:14:10,720
Management?

1428
01:14:10,730 --> 01:14:11,696
Better look out,

1429
01:14:11,700 --> 01:14:12,896
You gonna get the finance things

1430
01:14:12,900 --> 01:14:15,796
She just gonna fuckin tell you what to do

1431
01:14:23,093 --> 01:14:26,068
-After we booked this
show, we were contacted

1432
01:14:26,070 --> 01:14:30,470
by the Malaysian ministry of
arts, and history,

1433
01:14:32,070 --> 01:14:33,670
<font color=#00FF00>Boo
</font>And culture

1434
01:14:34,538 --> 01:14:38,808
And they asked me very
nicely and sternly

1435
01:14:38,876 --> 01:14:41,978
to not bring a certain
character to the show tonight.

1436
01:14:42,045 --> 01:14:46,515
[booing]

1437
01:14:46,583 --> 01:14:51,020
They even said please do
not even mention his name,

1438
01:14:51,088 --> 01:14:54,090
but I know that you people are
here because you've seen stuff

1439
01:14:54,157 --> 01:14:56,959
On YouTube and you're
expecting to see a certain someone.

1440
01:14:57,027 --> 01:15:01,397
<font color=#00FF00>Yeah!!!</font>
[Applause]

1441
01:15:01,465 --> 01:15:05,835
However, I want to respect the
request because I am a guest

1442
01:15:05,903 --> 01:15:08,604
here, but at the same
time you paid your money

1443
01:15:08,672 --> 01:15:11,774
to see what you thought
you were gonna see.

1444
01:15:11,842 --> 01:15:15,344
That certain person is not here.

1445
01:15:15,412 --> 01:15:16,759
However,

1446
01:15:16,959 --> 01:15:18,959
his brother..

1447
01:15:19,616 --> 01:15:23,386
[Applause]

1448
01:15:27,457 --> 01:15:30,126
--is here.

1449
01:15:30,193 --> 01:15:31,761
He is from France.

1450
01:15:31,828 --> 01:15:34,630
[Laughter]

1451
01:15:37,301 --> 01:15:40,670
Please help me welcome
Jacques, the French terrorist.

1452
01:15:40,737 --> 01:15:44,040
[Applause]

1453
01:15:57,921 --> 01:16:00,022
-Bonjour American pig.

1454
01:16:00,090 --> 01:16:01,891
[Laughter]

1455
01:16:01,959 --> 01:16:03,025
-So you are French?

1456
01:16:03,093 --> 01:16:04,060
-Oui, oui.

1457
01:16:04,127 --> 01:16:05,194
C'est Francais.

1458
01:16:05,262 --> 01:16:06,095
-Uh-huh.

1459
01:16:06,163 --> 01:16:07,163
And your name is Jacques?

1460
01:16:07,230 --> 01:16:07,997
-Oui.

1461
01:16:08,065 --> 01:16:10,833
Je m'appelle Jacques.

1462
01:16:10,901 --> 01:16:14,603
[Laughter]

1463
01:16:14,671 --> 01:16:16,439
-And what is your last name?

1464
01:16:16,506 --> 01:16:17,273
Merde

1465
01:16:17,341 --> 01:16:20,543
[Laughter]

1466
01:16:23,513 --> 01:16:26,415
-What are they laughing at?

1467
01:16:26,483 --> 01:16:28,417
My name is Jacques Merde.

1468
01:16:28,485 --> 01:16:30,419
[Laughter]

1469
01:16:30,487 --> 01:16:33,322
[Applause]

1470
01:16:34,624 --> 01:16:37,293
I do not understand what
they are laughing at.

1471
01:16:37,361 --> 01:16:38,594
[Laughter]

1472
01:16:38,662 --> 01:16:42,031
-I think Merde is
translated into, uh--

1473
01:16:45,969 --> 01:16:47,169
-I am Jacques Shit.

1474
01:16:47,237 --> 01:16:49,038
[Laughter]

1475
01:16:49,106 --> 01:16:50,639
-Well, despite your name,
you seem like a nice guy.

1476
01:16:50,707 --> 01:16:53,041
-You don't know Jacques Shit.

1477
01:16:55,979 --> 01:16:58,914
Wait, that is not funny!

1478
01:16:58,982 --> 01:16:59,782
[Laughter]

1479
01:16:59,850 --> 01:17:00,916
-They're laughing.

1480
01:17:00,984 --> 01:17:04,320
-I kill you!

1481
01:17:04,388 --> 01:17:08,224
[Applause]

1482
01:17:08,291 --> 01:17:09,558
-So you're happy to be here?

1483
01:17:09,626 --> 01:17:10,359
-No.

1484
01:17:10,427 --> 01:17:11,160
-Why is that?

1485
01:17:11,228 --> 01:17:14,397
-Where are we exactly?

1486
01:17:14,464 --> 01:17:18,267
Do not spit on my face,
you ugly American.

1487
01:17:18,335 --> 01:17:20,069
Where are we exactly?

1488
01:17:20,137 --> 01:17:20,870
-Kuala Lumpur.

1489
01:17:20,937 --> 01:17:21,737
-Oh, oui.

1490
01:17:21,805 --> 01:17:24,407
Kuala Lumpur.

1491
01:17:24,474 --> 01:17:25,207
Malaysia.

1492
01:17:25,275 --> 01:17:27,209
The weather here is bullshit.

1493
01:17:27,277 --> 01:17:29,145
[Laughter]

1494
01:17:29,212 --> 01:17:31,580
[Applause]

1495
01:17:32,348 --> 01:17:34,350
Where I am from
the weather is up.

1496
01:17:34,618 --> 01:17:35,785
Morning is up.

1497
01:17:35,852 --> 01:17:37,987
Afternoon and evening is up.

1498
01:17:38,055 --> 01:17:39,722
-I don't think the weather
in France is always hot.

1499
01:17:39,790 --> 01:17:41,624
-Eh, eh, eh, eh.

1500
01:17:41,892 --> 01:17:43,392
Do not question, Jacques.

1501
01:17:48,365 --> 01:17:50,015
It's not always hot in France?

1502
01:17:50,023 --> 01:17:50,366
-No.

1503
01:17:50,434 --> 01:17:51,500
Fuck. OK.

1504
01:17:51,568 --> 01:17:54,937
[Laughter]

1505
01:17:55,005 --> 01:17:59,008
[Applause]

1506
01:17:59,076 --> 01:18:01,510
Let's just say for
the sake of the joke,

1507
01:18:01,578 --> 01:18:03,345
France is always
hot, hot, hot,

1508
01:18:03,413 --> 01:18:06,282
hot, hot, like a desert up.

1509
01:18:06,349 --> 01:18:07,283
[Laughter]

1510
01:18:07,350 --> 01:18:08,584
Yes, you didn't
know that before?

1511
01:18:08,652 --> 01:18:10,486
Yes There are pyramids, sand.

1512
01:18:10,554 --> 01:18:12,621
[Laughter]

1513
01:18:15,621 --> 01:18:17,121
Silence

1514
01:18:20,821 --> 01:18:23,141
What was that?
I know French

1515
01:18:23,941 --> 01:18:25,441
So, explain what you do for a living?

1516
01:18:25,451 --> 01:18:28,091
I am a France terrorist

1517
01:18:28,391 --> 01:18:29,861
A French terrorist?
Oui, Oui

1518
01:18:31,161 --> 01:18:32,256
So, you strongly agree?

1519
01:18:32,280 --> 01:18:35,456
No, I have to go. Wee Wee

1520
01:18:35,856 --> 01:18:37,956
It's not funny

1521
01:18:38,156 --> 01:18:40,347
Silence.

1522
01:18:43,645 --> 01:18:44,651
I thought French was known

1523
01:18:44,851 --> 01:18:46,747
As the language of love.
Oui, Oui

1524
01:18:46,947 --> 01:18:49,947
I love to blow up shit

1525
01:18:51,389 --> 01:18:52,590
-Let me get something straight.

1526
01:18:52,738 --> 01:18:54,805
You're the brother
of the other guy

1527
01:18:54,873 --> 01:18:55,706
who was supposed to be here.

1528
01:18:58,777 --> 01:19:03,014
-Do not say his name, or we
are both in giant trouble.

1529
01:19:03,081 --> 01:19:06,817
[Laughter]

1530
01:19:09,421 --> 01:19:10,388
Those guys are here.

1531
01:19:16,228 --> 01:19:18,829
-Dear Achmed, what is your
favourite Malaysian food?

1532
01:19:18,897 --> 01:19:23,100
[audience gasps]

1533
01:19:31,343 --> 01:19:34,845
-It has been nice knowing you.

1534
01:19:34,913 --> 01:19:38,716
[Applause]

1535
01:19:44,723 --> 01:19:46,656
Kumbaya--

1536
01:19:46,724 --> 01:19:48,893
[Laughter]

1537
01:19:50,462 --> 01:19:52,563
-Dear terrorist--

1538
01:19:52,631 --> 01:19:54,498
-That's not what you
said the first time.

1539
01:19:54,566 --> 01:19:56,834
[Laughter]

1540
01:19:56,902 --> 01:19:59,136
When the show is done, run.

1541
01:19:59,204 --> 01:20:02,006
[Laughter]

1542
01:20:02,074 --> 01:20:05,276
[Applause]

1543
01:20:08,280 --> 01:20:09,280
-Someone named Spring.

1544
01:20:09,348 --> 01:20:10,848
Dear terrorist,
if you were given

1545
01:20:10,916 --> 01:20:13,251
the chance again to
be human, would you?

1546
01:20:13,318 --> 01:20:15,453
[gasp]

1547
01:20:15,520 --> 01:20:18,456
-I am not human?

1548
01:20:18,523 --> 01:20:19,257
-Not any more.

1549
01:20:19,324 --> 01:20:20,791
-No?

1550
01:20:20,859 --> 01:20:23,294
-Do you know what
that makes you?

1551
01:20:23,362 --> 01:20:24,428
-A politician?

1552
01:20:24,496 --> 01:20:27,298
[Laughter]

1553
01:20:27,366 --> 01:20:30,601
[Applause]

1554
01:20:32,671 --> 01:20:36,907
But the ministry is a
lovely group of people.

1555
01:20:36,975 --> 01:20:38,476
[Laughter]

1556
01:20:38,543 --> 01:20:40,981
-You guys have
been just awesome.

1557
01:20:41,479 --> 01:20:41,879
Thanks KL.

1558
01:20:41,947 --> 01:20:42,880
We'll see you.

1559
01:20:42,948 --> 01:20:43,814
Good night!

1560
01:20:56,962 --> 01:20:58,462
So we've been all over
the globe and I wanted

1561
01:20:58,530 --> 01:21:01,132
to end this special in the place
that's most important to me.

1562
01:21:01,199 --> 01:21:02,099
How could we not?

1563
01:21:02,167 --> 01:21:03,467
It's not a fancy stage.

1564
01:21:03,535 --> 01:21:05,169
In fact, a lot of the audience
is sitting in the mud.

1565
01:21:05,237 --> 01:21:06,003
It's bee raining.

1566
01:21:06,071 --> 01:21:07,104
They're sitting in the grass.

1567
01:21:07,172 --> 01:21:09,573
But here we are in
the land of the free

1568
01:21:09,641 --> 01:21:11,108
and the home of the brave.

1569
01:21:11,876 --> 01:21:15,746
Here we are at Joint
Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam.

1570
01:21:16,296 --> 01:23:25,185
Subtitles by: <font color=#FF8000>Exclusive</font>
pappu.innocent@gmail.com