Subtitles by explosiveskull
Now will you get out here before you stop being funny?
How can you be a doctor in Beverly Hills
without the proper medicine?
What'll we do? How we gonna get Pa well?
I'll make due with some old-fashioned remedies.
Get this stuff outta here and don't make any noise.
Don't you know that your Uncle Jed is at death's door?
We gonna have goose and dumplings tonight?
Pa?
Just a minute, Elly!
Come in! I mean, uh...
come in.
Pa, I'm terrible worried.
You ain't never been sick before.
Now, don't you worry, Elly.
Ain't nobody better at doctoring than Granny is.
But, Pa, if Granny can't find the proper medicine,
then you might pass before she can save you.
Oh, no, Granny will pull me through.
I'm scared for you, Pa.
Oh, now, Elly, don't go to crying.
If you can keep a secret, I'll tell you the truth.
I ain't really sick.
I'm just pretending for your granny's sake.
What you mean?
Well, remember back home how folks was always
coming over to our place to let Granny doctor 'em?
Remember how happy it made Granny?
Yes, especially if one of them got better.
What do you mean, horses can't own saving bonds?
What are they, animals?
Now, you listen to me, fella. I...
Take it easy, Ed.
The nerve of that guy.
Suppose we horses passed a law
that people couldn't ride horses?
Ed, listen to me.
Horses can't own savings bonds!
A cat, I could understand.
Relax, Ed.
Carol and I are gonna be buying savings bonds regularly.
As a member of the family,
you'll be sharing in the pride of ownership.
We all have a way of remembering
the nice things in our lives
and the people who were associated with them.
Maybe signing somebody up for payroll savings
is not quite the same as performing a marriage ceremony
or delivering a young couple's first baby,
But just the same,
learning to save is an important milestone for anyone.
Well, well, well!
So we're gonna have visitors.
Looks like.
Well, I'll tell you something.
Those two hoods are in for a big surprise
when they get here.
They're gonna come in here, expecting to find
some small town two-bit lockup, a rinky-dink clubhouse.
Well, they're gonna find out different.
What do you got in mind?
I'm gonna show 'em we're on our toes out here,
that he Mayberry jail matches any big-time pen
they've ever served time in.
Barney, there's no need... First of all,
we're gonna get rid of all these extra frills.
We give them just what they get in the big house:
one cot, one blanket, one cracked mirror, period.
Well, I guess we could take some of that stuff out.
The doilies need washing.
I'll tell you something else.
I said this before, and I'll repeat it now.
What we really need around here is an extra deputy.
Well...
Now, Andy, things like this come up all the time.
We need extra help.
Who you got in mind?
Well, I don't know.
I'll look around, find a good, sharp candidate.
But don't you worry about it. He's gonna be my assistant.
You let me worry about it.
Howdy, Barn.
Andy.
What's up?
Nothing, except our number three man
is here reporting for duty.
You got somebody?
Don't you move, bitch, or I'll kill you.
Oh, shit, man, she's dead.
Frank, we oughta get the fuck outta here, man.
Look, look!
What the fuck is this?
She ain't dead. She's passed out.
Hey.
Let's fuck her.
That's sick, man. That's fucking sick.
You some kind of necrophaniac, sick motherfucker?
I don't fuck dead chicks.
Fuck you, man. I ain't never fucked nobody dead.
And shit, she ain't dead.
She's still breathing.
Oh, yeah.
I'm coming for you, baby.
Oh, yeah.
Ohh.
Oh, yeah!
Ohh!
Hey!
Oh, that's it, that's it.
That is...
Oh, hold it. Wait.
Stop your squirming, bitch.
That's it.
Oh, come on, come on.
Get the rabbit in the hole. Get the rabbit in the hole.
Stop squirming.
Hey, hold her fucking arms!
She ain't fucking moving.
Just hold her fucking arms!
Stop your squirming, bitch.
Hold her, hold her.
That's it.
Get the rabbit in the hole. Get the rabbit in the hole.
Come on, come on.
Come on!
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Quit fucking around with that remote!
Fuck you, bitch!
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man.
It's just you look so fucking stupid
trying to fuck this chick.
Bet you didn't get a hard-on, did you?
Shut the fuck up!
I'm just saying.
Let's just relax, just kick back,
wait the for the bitch to wake up,
and then we fuck her the right way.
Yeah.
The right way.
...a giant oil operation of the Cordillera mining company.
Fuck. I'm gonna go get some beer.
Don't you fuck her.
I won't.
I'll wait.
You want anything?
Cheese puffs.
Cheese puffs?
I'm a necrophilic shit, and you want cheese puffs?
Fuck you, Bob.
Fuck you, Frank.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, Frank.
...exploring the ocean bottom for underwater oil.
I didn't know then that one of them would never come up,
and it would be my assignment to find out why.
There was no sign of life on deck.
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit.
Goddamn it. Fucking shit.
Ow, ow.
Goddamn it.
This is Tommy. I'm not here.
Leave your number, and I'll call you back.
Thank you.
Watch out, Rick.
Don't try to get any closer.
There's no escape for me, I know it.
You must save yourself, while there's still a chance.
Don't you see? It's a diabolical trap.
Sorry.
What?
Sorry.
What?
Chatter.
I don't know. I don't... I don't know.
I don't know.
Hey, hey.
Hello.
Greetings.
You're not Chinese.
Hey.
What did you take?
Sorry.
Hey!
What did you take?
My mom's pearl necklace.
What?
I meant to give it...
- What? - Sorry, sorry.
Sorry don't cut it.
Oh, poo. I'm poo.
Poo?
- How much did you see? - Hmm?
What?
The baby.
What?
The baby.
- Yeah. - It was a seed.
What?
Poo.
Oh, poo.
Poo? Who is Poo?
- Hey, who the fuck is Poo? - I want...
- I wanted... - What?
I want...
- What? - I want...
I want...
What?
To shine.
It's a little late for that now, ain't it?
Please.
Where you going?
Shh. Shh.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- One more minute. - Uh-uh.
No, no, no, little missy.
No, we ain't doing that.
No, no, ma'am.
Whoo!
Wake up.
Open your eyes.
Hey, open your fucking eyes. Come on.
Come on, come on.
Rise and shine, little camper.
I'm so thirsty.
You are?
Poor baby.
Yeah. Poor baby.
Poor, poor, poor baby.
Yeah.
Poor baby, baby, oh, baby.
Poor baby want a bottle to suck on?
- I'm so thirsty. - Yeah, well, lookie here.
I got a bottle for baby right here.
Lookie here, lookie here. Move your head.
I cleaned it, filled it up with sweet milk just for baby.
- I'm so thirsty. - Oh, I know.
Take the bottle, baby.
Take the bottle.
Take... Take the fucking bot...
Take the fucking bottle, baby!
Get the fuck off. Fuck off.
- Don't. Don't go. - Get... You're fucked up.
Don't go, don't go, don't go.
Then take the bottle.
I don't want to.
Yeah, you do. Just take the bottle.
Okay.
Oh, yeah!
There you go.
Suckle your bottle, baby. That's right.
Suckle, suckle.
Let me hear that sweet suckling sound.
Ohh!
Goddamn it!
Ah! You fucking bitch!
Goddamn it! Fuck!
Sorry.
Stupid fuck!
Sorry.
Hi.
Will you untie me?
You don't know who I am, do you?
I know who you are.
Who are you?
Who the fuck do you think I am?
Please go away. I'm not feeling so good.
Oh, I ain't going nowhere.
I had a great time. I'll call you, okay?
Open your goddamn eyes!
Okay, take what you want.
Open your fucking eyes!
You don't know me, get it?
Open your goddamn eyes!
Take what you want and go.
Tommy. I ain't never met no chick named Tommy.
That's a boy's name.
You some kinda lesbian or something?
Huh? Answer me.
- Are you a fish eater? - No.
No, what?
No, I'm not a lesbian.
No. It's no, sir. You do not answer with no.
You say, "No, sir." Got it? The answer is sir.
No, sir, sir.
Speak when spoken to.
- Speak, I say, when spoken to. - Yes, sir.
Suck my dick.
Don't look at me like that. Suck my dick.
Please.
Take anything you want, please.
I can't do this.
You can do it.
Just pretend it's a bottle for poor little baby.
Don't you fucking look at me like that, bitch.
You look at me like that again,
I'm gonna fuck you so hard up the ass,
shit's gonna fly out your eyes, you understand me?
Fucking whore.
Suck it, whore.
That's it.
Fucking suck it, you goddamn cunt.
Oww! Oww!
Shit!
Oww! Fuck!
Fucking bitch!
Fucking cunt!
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Come here. Come here!
Come here!
You do not bite a man's fucking dick
and expect to go about your business!
Get your fucking ass in here.
Get your ass in here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, wakey, wakey!
Wakey, wakey! Wakey, wakey!
Get your face in there.
No, what are you doing? Don't fucking drink it.
No! Don't you fucking drink it.
I didn't say you could fucking drink.
You don't drink until I say you can fucking drink!
Now no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Call 911!
Call 911! Somebody!
Call 911!
Hee hee! Whoo!
Help me!
Oh, Jesus! Oh, help me! Call 911!
Help me! Help! Help me! Help!
Bam!
Uh-oh.
Not a knight in sight.
Looks like it's just you and me.
You ready to obey Daddy?
Hmm? Huh?
What? Huh?
Yes.
I want you to crawl over to me, huh?
Crawl on over, little puppy dog.
Crawl, puppy.
There you go. Stop.
Stop right there.
You thirsty?
You want some water?
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, let's go get some water.
Come on, doggie.
Come on.
Come on, little doggie.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Com on, puppy, puppy, puppy. Come on, look right here.
Here's your bowl. Here's your bowl.
Now I want you to pant like a dog and beg for it, bitch.
Beg for it.
Come on.
Beg for it, goddamn it!
Oh, I guess you don't want no water, do you, huh?
You know what? I bet you're hungry though.
I want you to crawl like a kitty cat over to that bowl
and eat your food.
Come on, kitty cat, crawl over there.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Come on, crawl over there. Come on, kitty!
Whoo! Whoo! Come on!
Whoo!
Come on, kitty, lick it up, lick it up!
Come on, you're too slow.
Mmm! Uh, uh, uh!
You spit it up, you gonna eat it off the goddamn floor.
Is it good? Is it good?
Sing that song.
Sing that little kitty cat song. You know, the one from the TV.
Come on, sing the song.
Sing the goddamn song. Sing it!
♪ Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow ♪
Sing it. You know the one.
I don't know it.
Sing the goddamn song! Everybody knows it!
♪ Meow meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow meow ♪
Yeah. Do the little dance. Go on.
♪ Meow meow meow meow ♪
Louder. Louder, goddamn it!
♪ Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow ♪
Come on! Come on, kitty. Come get your food.
Come and get your food. Whoo!
Come on! Come get your food.
- Come on, come on. - ♪ Meow meow meow meow ♪
Follow me, kitty. Follow me. Follow the food.
♪ Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow ♪
- Crawl, goddamn it! - ♪ Meow meow meow meow ♪
Come on, faster!
♪ Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow ♪
Whoo!
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Come on, goddamn it! You're too slow.
♪ Meow meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow ♪
Shut up. Shut up. Get on this table.
Get on this goddamn table.
Get your fucking ass on this table. Come on.
That was good singing. That was good singing.
Pretty good singing.
But now I want you to turn over.
Turn over. Get it up.
Shake your ass in the air.
Wave it like you just don't care.
Shake it. Shake it!
All right, stop. Stop shaking.
Just be still. Be real still.
I wanna get a good look at your ass.
You know what?
I don't think your asshole is big enough
for my big honking dick!
I think you might need surgery.
Stay right there.
Think you might need surgery
to make your asshole big enough.
Mm-mm-mm!
Uh! Uh-oh.
What do we got here?
Now, I'm gonna be your doc.
Unless you can prove to me that your A-hole is big enough.
It's big enough.
- What's that? - It's big enough.
- What's big enough? - My asshole's big enough.
- It looks smaller than it is. - Huh?
Your asshole's big enough? How do you know it's big enough?
'Cause I've been done up the butt.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
I didn't hear you. You get it together.
Get it together, bitch, or I'm gonna rip you a new asshole.
How do you know it's big enough?
Some guy fucked me up the ass with a big hard cock.
- Ooh, yeah! Are you a whore? - Yes! I'm a whore!
- What do whores like to eat? - Cock. They like to eat cock.
Good job.
See how nice I am, huh?
When you treat me with a little bit of respect?
See how nice I am? Come on, let's get that off you.
Let's get that off.
Now I want you to flip over,
lay down, drop your ass.
Come on.
Now, I gotta take a piss,
and you're the piss hole.
Open your mouth.
Open your fucking mouth! Whoo! Whoo!
Coming to get you! I'm coming to get you!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Crawl away, crawl away!
Goddamn it. Look what you fucking made me do.
Goddamn it!
Here I am! Here I...
Oh, shit!
Fucking bitch!
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You wake up, wake up.
No, no, no, no. Wake up, wake up, wake up.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Wake up, wake up,
I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. Fuck.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Fuck! Fuck!
I'm beginning to feel better.
What are you gonna make me do next?
Smell your socks?
Shut the fuck up,
or I'm gonna rip that fucking tongue out your mouth.
Well, la-dee-da.
What'd you say?
La... dee... da.
What the fuck's that supposed to mean?
La-dee-da is what it means, how it sounds, Mr. Daddio.
You wipe that goddamn smile off your face!
Huh?!
Now are we communicating here?
I do the talking, got it?
Little Miss Fucking...
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Look at me when I'm fucking... Goddamn it. Hey, hey!
Ah, shit. Fuck. Fuck!
Hey, dumbshit, hit me again.
Shut the fuck up.
What are you gonna do, knock me out?
I never thought I'd meet a bigger loser than me.
Come again?
I was talking to myself.
If I'd meant for you to hear me,
I would've spoken clearly and directly to you.
Shut the fuck up, or I swear to God,
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Now we're getting somewhere, dumbshit.
May I call you dumbshit?
From your dumbfounded look, I'd say the name fits.
Is it your name?
Did your folks call you "dumb" or just "shit" for short?
I bet you were a slow learner.
I peg you for a faggot. Little boy fucker.
Look at our pride and joy, our little faggot moron.
Our little piece of shit that your mom created
during a motherfucking, father-eating bowel movement.
Bet you came out of her hot, stinking anus
as a lovely piece of corn-filled shit.
Your daddy fucked your mom up the ass
because, like you, he was a fag!
And your mother dug it because she didn't like to be looked at!
Oh, yes! That feels great.
Oh, fucking dumbshit.
Fuck! Shut the fuck up!
You shut the fuck up, or I'm gonna kill you!
- I swear to Christ! - Then do it!
Jesus Christ, just do it!
You talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.
Do it. Grab your knife and cut my fucking face off.
You fucking sicko. You're a goddamn sicko.
Chop me up and fuck my bloody pussy.
You need help. You need fucking help.
You're all talk and no action. What are you?
What is it that you call yourself?
A torturer? God, my brother could do better than that.
Why don't you make me suck up your loogies or something?
I fuck whores like you.
It's been forever, and you haven't raped me yet.
What are you waiting for, big man?
Did I hurt your tiny pee-wee?
This what you want? Huh?
You want some? You want some fucking dick?
I'm gonna teach you some fucking respect.
Huh?
Huh? Okay.
I'm gonna fucking teach you...
Yeah! Huh? How you like that, cunt?
Oh, yeah, give it to me, baby. Fuck me hard! Rape me!
I am fucking you. I'm fucking you now.
I'm raping you now, bitch.
You're not even inside me.
You have to get a hard-on before you can fuck, lover boy.
I'm fucking you.
I'm fucking you, and you know it!
I feel a little squishy thing mushing up against me.
I'm fucking raping you. I'm raping you.
- Okay. - I'm raping you.
- You're raping me. - I'm fucking raping you!
You call that rape?
That's the funniest thing I've ever experienced.
- Shut up. - "I'm raping you."
Oh, my God. "I'm raping you!"
- Shut up! - "Oh, oh!"
Maybe you should change your profession.
Or grow a bigger dick.
Huh? Huh?
You want something hard in your cunt, bitch? Huh?
I'll fucking do it.
- Give it to me. - I'll fucking do it!
Give it to me, you little piece of shit.
Kill me or get the fuck out of my house.
Come here. Get your fucking ass over there.
Sit down!
Stay!
Where the fuck are you?
What time is it?
Got somewhere to be?
Fucking clock. Where's the fucking clock in here?
Where's the goddamn clock? Shut up!
Who doesn't have a fucking clock in their goddamn kitchen?
What time is it?!
I swear to God. I swear to God.
Well, I'm sorry, Millie, but I don't know what to do.
♪ Aha, look what I found ♪
Ooh, you found a piece of paper.
It's your suicide note.
No, it's not.
Then what is it?
It's a stupid piece of fucking paper.
"Ice cubes in ice trays that won't come out
no matter how hard I bang-bang the ice.
The ice bangs me.
We have babies.
A funny fan of melty bobbies. When I'm a bad girl..."
I wrote it.
"I call in sick to work."
I wrote it I know what it says.
"I take off into another pasture
by passing sexy ministers, shooting...
shouting, 'Get back here, young lady.'
I hear unborn children whispering my name.
Tommy, Tommy.
I gabble babble backwards."
What the fuck is a gabble?
It's nothing. It's nothing but babble.
"I gabble babble backwards. I won't go into wombs."
Wombs?
Wombs.
I won't go into wombs.
Jesus, give it to me.
No.
Give it to me. I'll read it.
"I won't go into wombs. That might ruin your opinion.
Why can't you keep your legs shut?"
Gabble babble, gabble babble.
Hey, it ain't easy to catch a ride."
Nope. You're skipping over the parts you don't like.
- No, I didn't. - You're skipping.
- No, I didn't. - Give me the fucking note.
Gimme the note. Gimme the note.
Goddamn it! No! Don't you fucking do it.
Don't you fuck... Ow! You bitch!
Let go, let go. I said fucking let go.
Let go! God... Don't you fucking...
Ah!
Stay.
Be nice.
Now you fucked it all up.
Where were we?
"My daddy?" Uh-oh.
Getting good.
"My daddy stands in the shadows
where all dads go when their daughters grow breasts."
Give it to me.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- "I go out walking..." - Give it to me!
- "and my tits..." - Give it to me!
- Give it to me. - Whoo hoo hoo!
My titties get hard!
You wanna read it?
Yes.
Say pretty please.
Pretty please.
- With a cherry on top. - With a cherry on top.
Sit down.
Take it.
"I walk down to the river
to swim naked with blue-eyed Johnny.
He says I'm pretty. He throws me a biscuit,
and I waggity-wag my way home."
- Slow down. - "My name, my name.
It ain't easy to catch a sold-out ride for two
- when you're on your own kid." - Slow down.
"There's no time to make that call.
Don't get caught with your ass hanging out.
I am me no more. I fly the coop to Nevada.
My name, my name.
I don't recognize the person I've become.
I have to gabble faster. Who am I?
I forget the question and gabble-babble backwards.
Elbab, elbag, elbab. My name, my name, my name.
You wanna keep living?
Then for Christ's sakes, keep going.
I have to rest. Oh, no. I come to the dark staircase.
I go down. Someone with my voice whispers my name.
I turn around and run up the stairs, through the hallway,
out to room, where my tasks are waiting."
Farewell.
Don't you have anything better to do
than to analyze that stupid note?
- It ain't stupid to you. - Is too.
- Is not. - God, I'm sick of you.
I'm sick of you. Way more fucking sick of you.
Then leave!
Screw you. Waiting on my ride.
Your ride?
Yeah, my fucking ride. My buddy's coming to get me.
Oh, shut up.
You got a ride?
What, "Pick me up in a couple hours?"
That's so pathetic.
It ain't like that.
You gonna fucking wish you were dead when he...
When what? When your ride gets here?
Laugh all you want to, bitch. I ain't going nowhere.
You think too much. That's your problem.
If I got this note, I'd throw it away.
I wouldn't keep it. You wanna know why?
'Cause it don't make no fucking sense.
It means nothing.
Nothing in this note tells why you're killing yourself.
You might as well have left nothing, not a goddamn anything
because I'll tell ya, if I got this note,
I'd be pissed.
And then I'd drive myself fucking crazy
trying to figure out some shit that don't make no sense.
It's not a suicide note.
- Oh, no? - No. It's a journal entry.
Then why'd you leave it?
I left it in lieu of a suicide note.
That is so fucked.
That is so fucked up.
You couldn't take the time to write a suicide note?
You're writing a note.
No, I'm not.
Oh, yes, you are.
You are writing a goddamn suicide note.
Huh?
Write.
No.
- Write! - No!
I'll write it.
"I feel...
awful about this."
"I don't want...
to not see you."
"It has nothing...
to do with you."
"I'm...
selfish."
"And...
I killed...
a baby."
I didn't kill a baby.
Yes, you did.
"I killed a baby.
My baby."
"I dream about that baby.
Baby Bill."
"You see,
my guilt over killing...
poor Baby Bill...
made me do it."
No one will believe that.
We'll see.
No one. That's not even my handwriting.
Maybe you had someone else fucking write it for you.
- Yeah, right. - Shut up.
"I know you love me."
"I love you too.
But Baby Bill..."
- Jesus. - What?
There is no Baby Bill.
Just shut up and let me think.
I'm not dead. I don't need a stupid note if I'm not dead.
- You're gonna die, all right. - When?
- When I'm done!
You'll die when I'm fucking done! Shut up!
"I love you guys."
"But I have to go see...
Baby Bill."
- Copy that in your own writing. - No.
- Do it. - No.
No!
You wanna die, then fucking do it.
Oh, Jesus.
I can't leave this.
Yes, you can.
I never killed a baby.
Yes, you did.
It was a little egg.
So what? Eggs grow.
I'm not leaving this note.
- Why not? - Because it isn't mine.
- It's yours. - So?
Jesus, I've leave my own damn note.
Fine.
Goddamn.
"I don't like myself. Goodbye."
You don't like yourself?
Gee, I thought people that killed themselves
liked themselves.
The note's supposed to say why. Why you don't like you.
The note's supposed to say goodbye.
You're supposed to say goodbye.
Goodbye to all the dumb fucks that's gonna miss you.
The note clearly says goodbye!
Fine.
We'll leave my note.
I can't write with a fucking pencil!
Let me find a pen.
Why, oh, why do I want to die? Maybe because my life sucks.
"Uh, my life sucks."
"I don't exercise.
I smoke a lot.
I don't bathe.
For weeks.
I drink soda
and eat ice-cream first thing in the morning.
Sometimes I pee in the tub."
That's gross.
"My family thinks I'm sweet.
I only have sex
when... I'm...
drunk.
People don't know me.
I am alone."
"I don't drink water.
I pick my nose.
I daydream creepy crap."
"I don't recycle.
Not once have I started...
a separate box for cans.
I am not anyone, anywhere...
I ever wanted to be."
Why don't you put your cans in a separate box?
I don't give a fuck about cans!
I keep writing the same goddamn sentence
of the same goddamn ways I want my life to change.
And for about two seconds,
I am ready to do something extraordinary.
And then I ask myself, "What do I have to offer?"
Not a goddamn thing.
I had big expectations.
Big.
Huge.
Shiny ones.
I am not the same girl who passed out
trying to break the Laura Ingalls Wilder
Elementary School record for the extended arm hang.
I broke that record by two whole seconds.
And look at me now!
My life goals are reduced to recycling cans
and watching less TV!
So you're a lazy couch potato. Big fucking whoop.
You don't get it.
Yeah, I get it.
You're stupid.
Stupid shit gets to stupid bitches like you.
And I fantasize about people dying.
Like murdering people?
Yes.
It's my wedding day.
I'm all... pretty
in a beautiful white dress.
I'm at the church waiting for my family
and fiancé Peter to arrive.
I'm there early
to get the photos of just me out of the way.
It is now time for my family and finance to arrive,
but they don't.
An hour goes by.
My bridesmaid Cindy grows a little concerned about them,
but I figure my mom or Peter
forgot something on the way to the church,
or maybe there was an accident on the highway.
The wedding guests begin to arrive.
I stand primping in a private room.
Thirty minutes pass. It is now time for the ceremony.
I remain cheerful, knowing that my family and finance
will be arriving very soon.
The best man, Peter, and Cindy walk in.
Their eyes are watery.
Cindy speaks to me softly.
"There's been a terrible accident."
I say, "Oh, I figured they were stuck in traffic.
When will they be here?"
She says, "No, they were involved in an accident.
In a car crash."
My eyes widen.
"Are they okay? Is anyone hurt?"
"I don't know how else to say this, but...
they all died."
I'm stunned.
"Who? Who exactly was in the car?"
"Your mom and dad and brother...
and Peter.
They all died."
The best man whispers,
"There was another car involved in the accident."
"Was it a drunk driver?" I ask.
"No.
Your grandfather was driving."
"Oh, God.
Is he okay?"
"No.
He died."
"Was Grandma in the car?"
He nods his head yes.
"Along with your Aunt Sandy, Uncle Barney,
and Buck, the family dog."
"My whole family, fiancé, and dog are dead?" I mumble.
"I need some air."
I must walk through all the people in order to get outside.
All eyes are on me. Every guest stares at me
with every ounce of pity and compassion they can muster.
They take me home. They put me to bed.
They make me tea and chicken soup.
No one takes their presents back,
so for weeks, I'm opening up gifts.
A real juicer.
Silverware that matches. Pretty glassware.
When I go through a phase of not bathing and being really mean,
everyone completely understands.
No one would dare to be mean to me
without looking and feeling like really bad person.
Although they want me better years and years and years later,
deep in their hearts, they know that if they'd lost what I had,
they would have no reason to go on.
And so they call me strong,
even though all I do is eat, sleep, and smell bad.
That never really happened, right?
No.
Well, what about the baby?
What?
The baby you killed?
I didn't kill a baby.
I had an abortion.
It was on its way to being a baby.
- It was an egg. - Eggs hatch.
If I'd have known you'd love my egg so goddamn much,
I would've given it to you to sit on.
I don't give a fuck about the egg!
All right, it just makes more sense, that's all.
None of this other shit makes any sense.
You don't save cans.
You fucking get off on crashes. Big whoop-dee-whoop.
I didn't expect my dark side to outdo yours.
For normal people, I would be considered sick.
Ho ho ho. Don't be saying I'm more sick than you are.
That is bullshit. You don't know nothing about me.
I think I have a pretty good idea of who you are.
Yeah? Who am I?
You probably have mother issues.
Meaning?
Meaning that you hate your mother.
Ehhh!
I love my mama,
more than anyone in this stinking world.
Then you hate your dad.
Everybody hates their dad!
I peg you for a good ol' humble county boy,
lifting weights in your crappy little yard,
thinking if you're tough enough,
you'll get through life without getting beat on.
Drinking beer, going to Friday night parties.
Girls in tube tops and short skirts
are impressed by your ass.
But you can't look 'em in the eye,
much less hold a conversation,
so they end up fucking some other guy.
You're relieved
'cause you wouldn't know how to fuck.
Wouldn't know what to do with that fucking tube top.
Pull it up, push it down.
You go home, curl up on your couch
and suck on a beer like it's your cock,
watching TV, wishing you were fucking asleep already.
Shit.
I can do better than that.
I know chicks like you.
Schoolteacher.
Wrong.
Secretary.
This is stupid. You have no idea who I am.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Hah!
You're a fucking secretary. Hah! Knew it.
Acting all smart and shit.
All wide-eyed,
dressing like Alice in Wonderland,
all sweet and nice and shit.
What are you doing?
I want to kiss you.
Oh, you're too good for me.
No. My mouth fucking hurts.
I don't like when you talk like that.
I don't like when you look at me like that.
- Like what? - Like you want to hit me
and kiss me at the same time.
It's creepy.
If you ate more often, I could get cozy with you.
What, what, what, what?
- I'm cold, I'm cold, I'm cold. - What's wrong?
Christ, get me the fuck out of here!
- Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. - What's wrong?
What's the matter? What's wrong? What's wrong?
- God. Oh, Jesus Christ. - What's wrong?
- Get the fuck away from me. - What'd I do?
Get the fuck away from me! Oh, Jesus Christ!
Just let me... Hey, hey, hey.
- Don't do this. - Get the fuck away from me!
Get the fuck away from me, you eunuch son of a bitch!
Piece of fucking crap!
Fuck!
You wanted me! You fucking wanted me!
- You fucking eunuch! - You fucking wanted me!
I'm raping you with my tiny, little, itty-bitty weenie.
You motherfucker!
Hit me again.
Hit me again, you piece of shit!
- You promised me! - You're fucking ruining it!
You promised to kill me if I wrote it.
You promised me!
You promised me to kill me if I wrote it!
I fucking can't! I can't!
I can't kill you, okay?
I can't fucking kill you!
My mama was big and fucking beautiful.
My old man was always giving her shit.
Make her sleep on the couch
'cause he hated to fucking look at her.
One night he gets a call from the bar up the street.
He drags me out of bed.
Makes me come with him.
We walk in the bar and...
I see my mama...
butt-naked on the pool table.
She's got her legs spread wide open,
some dude's fucking her.
And all these other dudes standing around, jacking off.
And they're chanting,
"Fuck the fat mama. Fuck the fat mama.
Fuck the fat mama."
I thought they was hurting her, but they weren't hurting her.
She was moaning, but it was the kind of moaning a chick makes
when she's digging it.
And I felt my fucking dick swell.
I remember thinking, "That is fucked up."
My daddy hands me the keys.
He said, "Take the fat circus cunt home."
So I'm driving her in the truck,
She's hammered, and she says, "Take me out to the lake."
So I'm like, "What the fuck?" I take her out to the lake.
And we're sitting there and...
she starting talking about how horny she gets,
and how my daddy never touches her.
Never looks at her.
Never sucks on her titties.
The next thing I know,
I took my pants off and my tight-ass underwear,
and I leaned over, and I sucked her titty.
I could've sucked that titty forever.
I rolled over on top of her,
and she felt like a big pillowy cloud.
Her legs were spread wide open,
and my cock slipped inside of her,
and I kept on sucking her titty,
and I started riding her and riding her and riding her.
And her pussy got all tight around my dick,
and she screamed, and I came in her.
I came right inside my own mama.
That was the greatest night of my life.
And I remember driving us back home,
and I'm thinking to myself, "I'm gonna marry her.
I'm gonna marry her and take her away from my sick-ass old man,
and we're gonna fuck and suck forever
'cause deep down in my heart, I know... I know it's right,
and I know we're fucking made for each other,
and it's true love, and we fucking fit."
When we got home...
she was too heavy for me to carry in.
I was too weak.
She was passed out, so I just left her in the truck.
Next morning...
I woke up to my sister screaming, just screaming.
She's screaming in the carport.
And I run out there, and the beam's broke.
The beam in the doorway's broke
'cause my mama tried to hang herself on it.
She tried to hang herself on it.
And when that didn't work,
she sucked on the tailpipe of the truck.
She...
She was so fucking beautiful.
My mama.
She was so fucking beautiful.
And that night for me was like a heaven experience,
and she fucking ruined it.
She ruined it! She fucking ruined it!
'Cause all the dumb fucks out there
and all their fucking rules
about what's right and what's wrong.
And they fucking judge you, and they fucking...
Makes you feel bad.
And they fucking judge you about what's right and what's wrong.
And all that shit you feel?
All that shit that you feel down deep inside
is all bullshit.
It's all just bullshit that's been handed down
from the beginning of time.
Will you untie me?
Your hands asleep?
Yeah.
God, I hate that.
Do you...
Before I go to bed, when I'm alone, I get this...
I witness who I am, and who I'm not.
I feel this separation,
like seeing someone you used to be really good friends with.
No one is or has ever been here
because I've been over there.
I haven't actually...
existed.
I know that.
I know that place. I know.
You're lucky 'cause at least you're here and there
in the same room.
I'm never here.
I can't tell you how far away I go.
I go so far.
So far it hurts.
It hurts.
Hey.
- Hey! - Shit.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck.
Where the fuck have you been?
Out fucking around.
I've been waiting on your ass all goddamn night,
sitting there.
Well, this place was a fucking bitch to find.
Speaking of which...
Hey, bitch.
Frank, let's just go, man.
Fuck her, man.
I'm hungry, man. Let's fucking go.
She's too skinny anyway.
Looks like somebody had some fun.
Don't you fucking look at me, you fucking cunt.
Frank, let's fucking blow this place, man.
I've got cabin fever up in in here.
Hey, bitch.
My buddy didn't rape you, did he?
Frank, man, let's just go.
Just fucking go, man.
Just fucking get something fresh.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Psych!
You're fucking dead.
Frank...
Shut the fuck up!
I haven't been driving around all fucking night,
looking for this goddamn cunt's house on...
fucking...
"Crabapple Road."
Not apple,
not pineapple, not fucking banana,
but Crabapple Road
to wish this bitch a fucking good night.
Get her!
Grab her!
Hey, Bob, you feeling Greek tonight?
Ahh!
Hey, dumbshit.
Fucking bitch.
Ah, yeah!
Home again, home again, jiggity-jig!
You fucking bitch.
Ohh!
Come on.
Come on. Ohh! Oh, you fucking bitch.
Ohh!
Come on, stop your squirming.
Come on.
That's it.
No!
Subtitles by explosiveskull