>> James: GOOD EVENING. WE'VE JUST FINISHED TAPING OUR
SHOW, WHERE WE TRIED TO HAVE FUN WAS A NIGHT OF UNDERLYING
SADNESS, AS MORE NEWS OF EVENTS IN TEXAS CAME IN TO US.
AS YOU'LL KNOW BY NOW A GUNMAN ENTERED A SCHOOL IN TEXAS AND
KILLED AT LEAST 18 CHILDREN AND IT'S UNFATHOMABLE.
AS A FATHER, I CAN'T IMAGINE THE HORROR OF THAT PHONE CALL.
WHEN I DROPPED MY KIDS OFF AT SCHOOL THIS MORNING, AND KISSED
THEM GOODBYE, IT DOESN'T CROSS YOUR MIND THAT THAT COULD EVER
BE THE LAST GOODBYE. CALL... THAT YOUR CHILD IS THE
VICTIM IN A MASS SHOOTING IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION AS A HUMAN
I AM SO DEEPLY SAD FOR THE FAMILIES OF THESE CHILDREN, THE
TRAUMA OF THE SURVIVORS, AND FOR THE FUTURE THESE KIDS WILL NEVER
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN I AM CONSTANTLY SHOCKED BY THE
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO MUST THINK THIS IS AN OKAY BYPRODUCT-- TO
NEVER MAKE MEANINGFUL CHANGES IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME.
THIS DOESN'T REFLECT THE COUNTRY THAT I THINK AMERICA IS.
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU'RE ON THE FOREFRONT OF
MEDICINE, OF TECHNOLOGY, OF INNOVATION.
WHEN THERE'S A WORLD WAR, YOU THIS ISSUE, AMERICA IS ONE OF
THE MOST BACKWARD PLACES IN THE THIS YEAR THERE HAVE BEEN NO
THIS YEAR THERE HAVE BEEN NO THIS YEAR THERE HAVE BEEN NO
THIS YEAR THERE HAVE BEEN 27 SCHOOL SHOOTINGS IN AMERICA,
AND WE ARE 5 MONTHS INTO THE NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
IN THE WAY OF MORALITY. AND SO, JUST AS I STOOD HERE
LAST WEEK, AND TALKED ABOUT A MASS SHOOTING AT A GROCERY STORE
IN BUFFALO, TODAY IS AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN TEXAS.
TALKING, IN ANOTHER WEEK OR TWO ABOUT ANOTHER PLACE.
WORDS OF THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS WILL COME FROM OUR LEADERS.
BUT I FEAR CHANGE NEVER WILL. COUNTRY WILL EVENTUALLY WAKE UP
AND CHANGE THIS SENSELESS GUN CULTURE, WHILE MY HEART SIMPLY
GOES OUT TO EVERYONE IN TEXAS TONIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS ♪ THE LATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH
THE LATE LATE SHOW, WOO! ♪ THE ATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH
>> Reggie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, >> James: GOOD EVENING, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW."
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY. WE APPRECIATE YOU BEING HERE.
LET'S SEE WHO THE GUESTS ARE ON THE SHOW TONIGHT, SHE IS A
TALENTED OSCAR AND EMMY WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "BOYHOOD,"
"ESCAPE AT DANNEMORA," "THE ACT," AND SO MUCH MORE, THE
ACCLAIMED, PATRICIA ARQUETTE! PATRICIA.
>> HELLO! >> James: HOW ARE YA?
WOULD YOU LIKE A SNACK? PIMENTO?
>> James: OH, YEAH. BREAD?
>> James: WHAT ELSE HAVE WE GOT IN THERE.
>> I'VE GOT SOME SALTINE TYPE CRACKERS.
>> James: YEAH. I'VE GOT SOME CARROTS.
>> James: YEAH. AND THERE'S SOME FRIED
CHICKEN AND A COOKIE. >> James: WE DON'T NEED IT
BECAUSE IT'S ALL FOR YOU. >> THANK YOU.
>> James: UNLESS YOU LEAVE IT IN YOUR ROOM AND IT ENDS UP IN
WINNIE'S DESK. JUST KNOW THAT.
WE APPRECIATE YOU BEING HERE! PATRICIA ARQUETTE EVERYBODY!
HE'S A HILARIOUS EMMY-WINNING ACTOR, COMEDIAN, AND WRITER YOU
KNOW FROM "THE AFTERPARTY," "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG," AND "SPACE
FORCE." WE LOVE IT EVERY TIME HE STOPS
BY THE SHOW. THE BEAUTIFUL, BEN SCHWARTZ!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> HEY, JAMES! HOW YOU?
>> James: HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M DOING AMAZING.
I KNOW YOU'RE LEAVING IN A YEAR SO I'M STEELING AS MUCH
( BLEEP ) AS I CAN! >> James: WE DO STILL NEED
THAT. >> YEAH, BUT TECHNICALLY NOBODY
CARES, RIGHT? DOES ANYBODY CARE IF I STEAL
THIS? NO.
AND SEEMS EVERYBODY WHO WORKS HERE IS A ZOMBIE.
DID YOU HEAR THEM SAY NO? >> James: YES.
TRY ANOTHER QUESTION. THEY WILL ALWAYS SAY YES.
>> OKAY, DOES EVERYBODY FEEL GOOD TODAY?
>> YES. WOW, WOW!
I CAN'T WAIT TO BRING THIS INTO MY BATHROOM.
>> James: ALL YOURS, BUDDY. TAKE ATE MILLIONS TIME OVER.
WE LOVE YOU, BEN SCWARTZ, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHE'S A TREMENDOUSLY TALENTED
STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND WRITER AND WE'RE THRILLED SHE'S PERFORMING
HERE FOR US TONIGHT, THE HILARIOUS, OPHIRA EISENBERG!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OPHIRA, HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD. I'M VERY GOOD.
JAMES, HI! >> James: HI!
ARE YOU JUST TENDING TO SOME SNRANTS.
>> THIS IS MY TRAVEL ORCHID -- I'M SORRY -- MY EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT ORQ I WOULD. >> James: ARE YOU FEELING
OKAY? >> YEAH, IT PERFORMED ITS
SERVICE EARLIER SO I'M JUST MISTING IT.
>> James: MIST AWAY. OPHIRA EISENBERG, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD GUESS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE PATRICIA ARQUETTE SHOW, "SEVERANCE."
>> INCREDIBLE. >> James: IF YOU'VE NOT SEEN
IT,, PEOPLE UNDERGO A PROCEDURE TO SEPARATE THEIR WORK MEMORIES
FROM THEIR PERSONAL MEMORIES. FALL YOU COULD DO THAT, LAUREN,
IF YOU COULD SEPARATE IT, WOULD YOU DO IT?
>> IT'S A GREAT QUESTION. YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK SO,
BECAUSE I WOULD WANT TWO CARRY OF WHAT GUILLERMO IS WEARING
RIGHT NOW AT WORK WITH ME EVERYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I LIKE IT.
I'M DIGGING IT. >> WELL, EVERY DAY THAT I
PERFORM HERE, I AM SELECTED -- CLOTHES ARE SELECTED FOR ME, AND
I PUT THOSE UP. >> James: YOU HAVE NO SAY IN
WHAT YOU WEAR? >> I HAVE A SAY, BUT IT'S THERE
AND -- >> James: AND YOU PUT IT ON.
I'LL TRY IT, YEAH. >> James: SO WHO CHOOSES YOUR
CLOTHES? >> EITHER LAUREN OR CHRISTINA.
LAUREN SHAPIRO. >> James: YEAH, I KNOW WHO
LAUREN IS. I'VE WORKED HERE SEVEN YEARS.
SO YOU'RE SAYING I COULD GO ON A SHOPPING TRIP, SLIP SOME THINGS
TO LAUREN SHAPIRO, SHE WOULD PUT THEM OUTSIDE YOUR DRESSING
UPROOM AND YOU WOULD WEAR THEM? >> YEAH.
FOR THE HEALTH OF THE SHOW. >> James: NO, I WOULD TAKE IT
SERIOUSLY. >> THANK YOU.
>> James: I WOULD PUT MY MIND -- IMAGINE I'M -- HOW OLD
ARE YOU, 40-SOMETHING? >> YES.
>> James: IMAGINE I'M A 40-SOMETHING FATHER -- SO FAR,
-OPENED-MINDED SWINGER WHO LIVES IN LOS ANGELES.
( LAUGHTER ) WE COULD TALK LIKE THIS ALL DAY
BUT IT'S THAT TIME. IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS!
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS EVENING, PRESIDENT BIDEN RETURNED TO THE WHITE HOUSE
AFTER HIS FIVE-DAY TRIP TO ASIA. AND LIKE EVERY WHITE PERSON WHO
HAS TRAVELED TO ASIA, BIDEN DESCRIBED HIS VISIT AS
(CALIFORNIA ACCENT) "LIIIKE, SOO LIFE CHANGING."
BIDEN FLEW FROM JAPAN, TO ALASKA, TO WASHINGTON D.C.
WHICH IS ALSO HOW SPIRIT AIRLINES TAKES YOU FROM BOSTON
TO WASHINGTON D.C.. SO FAR, TWELVE ASIAN COUNTRIES
HAVE JOINED BIDEN'S ECONOMIC INITIATIVE FOR THE REGION.
WHICH IS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE BECAUSE JOE BIDEN CAN'T EVEN GET
TWELVE PEOPLE TO SUPPORT HIM HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) BEFORE RETURNING TO THE STATES,
BIDEN MET IN TOKYO THIS MORNING WITH THE SO-CALLED QUAD LEADERS.
AN INFORMAL ALLIANCE BETWEEN INDIA, THE UNITED STATES, JAPAN,
AND AUSTRALIA. THERE THEY ARE, LOOKING LIKE
YOUR DAD AND HIS FRIENDS TRYING A TIK-TOK DANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY LOOK LIKE THE AVENGERS IF
THE AVENGERS' SPECIAL POWER WAS BEING MENTALLY PREPARED FOR A
COLONOSCOPY AT ANY TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
QUAD LEADERS. I LIKE THAT.
THAT'S WHAT ME AND REGGIE CALL OURSELVES
ON LEG DAY. >> Reggie: QUAD SQUAD.
>> James: MOVING ON -- YESTERDAY, OFFICIALS IN NEW YORK
HELD A CEREMONY TO REMOVE THE LAST PUBLIC PAY PHONE IN THE
CITY. THERE THEY ARE, REMOVING IT WITH
A CRANE. IT'S NOT THAT IT'S EVEN THAT
HEAVY, IT'S JUST THAT NO ONE WAS WILLING TO TOUCH IT WITH THEIR
HANDS. THE LAST PAY PHONE.
I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, APPLE MAKES A PAY PHONE.
IT'S JUST YOU HAVE TO PAY TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR IT.
THE LAST PAY PHONE, WHERE ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED --
IN OTHER NEWS, QUEEN ELIZABETH ATTENDED THE CHELSEA FLOWER SHOW
IN LONDON, AND SHE SHOWED UP IN A NEW, TRICKED-OUT GOLF BUGGY,
COMPLETE WITH RECLINING LEATHER SEATS AND AN ONBOARD
MINI-FRIDGE. HERE SHE IS HERE:
SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE SHOULD BE PULLING UP TO A CLUB IN A DRAKE
MUSIC VIDEO. ( LAUGHTER )
THE QUEEN'S NEW RIDE COMES COMPLETE WITH AN ON-BOARD MINI
FRIDGE. WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE.
THE QUEEN ONLY DRINKS MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED
IF IT'S ICE COLD. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT LOOK AT THE CHAUFFEUR HE KNOWS FULL WELL HE'S DRIVING
A GOLF BUGGY BUT HE'S USING ALL HIS POWERS TO PRETEND HE'S NOT,
LIKE "I'M DRIVING A ROLLS ROYCE
I'M DRIVING A ROLLS ROYCE I'M DRIVING A ROLLS ROYCE."
REGGIE, AS PART OF THE CAR COMMUNITY, HOW WOULD YOU IMPROVE
THE QUEEN'S BUGGY? >> Reggie: WELL, I'D PULL
WALLS ON IT, LARGER WHEELS, A TRANSMISSION, TRANSAXEL, MAKE IT
INTO A NEW CAR. >> James: RIGHT.
WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD IF THE QUEEN STARTED DRIVING A, YOU KNOW,
( BLEEP ) BIG, LIKE, TRUCK. >> Reggie: A HUMMER.
>> James: SHE USED TO DRIVE TRUCKS.
>> YEAH. >> James: WHEN DID THE QUEEN
DRIVE TRUCKS. >> WORLD WAR II.
>> James: WHAT? ( BLEEP ).
>> ANNA TOLLY, PULL IT UP. >> James: PULL IT UP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, OKAY, THAT IS A PICTURE OF
THE QUEEN STOOD NEXT TO A TRUCK. OKAY?
IF SHE DROVE A TRUCK, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SEASON ONE, EPISODE
FOUR OF THE CROWNE. >> LOOK.
HUH-OH, LOOKY. >> I'M SERIOUS.
IT WAS BIG TIME. >> James: LOOK AT THAT!
IT WAS HER PART OF THE WORLD. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> JAMES: AND FINALLY, THE HOT
DOG BRAND, BALL PARK, HAS JUST INTRODUCED A NEW SUMMERTIME
ACCESSORY. IT'S CALLED THE HOT DOG HELMET -
AND FEATURES BUILT-IN HOLDERS AND NOZZLES FOR KETCHUP AND
MUSTARD. HERE IT IS HERE:
LOOK AT THAT. AT THE VERY LEAST, IT'S A
CONVERSATION STARTER. AND THAT CONVERSATION WOULD
START WITH, "DAD. WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN THEY SAW THIS, PEOPLE IN
LOS ANGELES WERE LIKE "NO PLACE FOR VEGAN
GARLIC AIOLI MAYONNAISE? PASS."
BUT THE TIMING OF THE HOT DOG HELMET COULDN'T HAVE BEEN
BETTER. IT'S JUST IN TIME FOR MEMORIAL
DAY COOKOUTS, AND EVEN BETTER THE QUEEN'S JUBILEE!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S THE NEWS!
>> James: WELCOME BACK. LET'S MEET OUR GUESTS TONIGHT,
HE STARS AS SONIC, IN "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2," BEN SCHWARTZ.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! OH!
( BAND PLAYING ) >> OH!
TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH!
THIS IS TOO MUCH. ( CHEERING )
THANK YOU SO MUCH! WOW!
>> James: OKAY --
WOW! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
>> James: OKAY, SO WHAT -- WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING, BEN, I
DON'T UNDERSTAND. >> THAT'S HILARIOUS.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? I'LL SAY IT, AS OF THIS
APPEARANCE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE ALL HERE FOR THIS, THANK YOU
SO MUCH, I HAVE NOW BEEN THE GUEST WHO HAS BEEN ON "THE LATE
LATE SHOW" MORE THAN ANY OTHER GUEST IN THE HISTORY OF "THE
LATE LATE SHOW"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> Reggie: CONGRATULATIONS. CHECK THE CARDS, JAMES.
>> James: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.
IS THAT TRUE, ROB? >> ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT.
THIS IS BEN'S TWELVE TIME ON THE SHOW BUT
BUT ALLISON JANNEY HAS BEEN ON 14 TIMES.
>> JAMES: THEN WHY DID WE BUY ALL THE CONFETTI CANNONS AND THE
BANNER? >> WE DIDN'T BUY THAT.
>> I BOUGHT IT, JAMES. >> JAMES: YOU PAID FOR ALL THAT?
AND YOU DIDN'T CHECK TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE ACTUALLY THE GUEST
WHO'S BEEN ON THE MOST TIMES? >> ROB IS OBVIOUSLY A STUPID
FOOL. I KNOW FOR A FACT.
YOU WILL SAY YOU'RE A STUPID FOOL, RIGHT?
>> I DON'T APPRECIATE THAT. I'M JUST ACCURATE.
>> James: I THINK HE'S RIGHT. ALLISON JANNEY'S BEEN ON THE
SHOW 14 TIMES. YOU'VE ONLY BEEN ON 12.
>> WE'VE DONE SO MANY INCREDIBLE BITS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS.
>> James: I DON'T THINK WE'VE DONE ANY BITS.
>> REALLY? ROB, ROLL THE CLIP, BABY!
SNOOD POKEÉMON CARD SOLD FOR $420,000 AT AUCTION.
THAT WAS THE HEADLINE. THE WINNING H HEADLINE,
BROKE-A-MON. >> JUST THREE BEST FRIENDS
HANGING OUT HAVING TEA, RIGHT? LET'S SPILL THE TEE.
WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I TRIED A LOT. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY SAY DON'T LOOK UP WHEN YOU'RE SKY DIVING.
( BLEEP ) OH! THREE BEST FRIENDS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> WHOO!
A, WHOA, WHOA, CAR POOL KARAOKE.
>> HEY THERE. --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> YOU WANT TO GO FOR A SPIN?
>> SEE? MOST EVER APPEARANCES
EVER! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> James: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY.
>> OH, I LIKE IT! >> James: WELCOME BACK!
LET'S BRING OUT OUR OTHER GUEST TONIGHT SHE STARS IN
"SEVERANCE," PATRICIA ARQUETTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) >> James: YEAH, YEAH!
I'M A DISGRUNTLED GUEST. >> James: WHY?
I GOT PIMENTO CHEESE, AND HE GOT CHAMPAGNE, AN EMMY, FLOWERS.
SO, HERE, TAKE THE CANDY. TAKE IT ALL.
>> James: I DO THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT BEN
DID A LOT OF THAT HIMSELF. >> THAT CAME OUT OF MY BUDGET.
>> James: HE PERSONALLY FUNDED ALL OF THAT.
>> DID HE REALLY? HERE IT COMES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: DOES IT GO SOME WAY
TOWARDS HELPING? >> MY, MY -- MINE, MINE.
I DID PAY FOR THOSE. TECHNICALLY, THEY'RE ON LOAN TO
YOU NOW. >> James: I'M PUTTING THEM
OVER HERE FOR SAFEKEEPING. IT'S TRUE.
WE LOVE YOU AT THIS SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> James: BECAUSE YOU WERE OUR SECOND-EVER GUEST ON THE SHOW.
>> THAT'S TRUE! >> James: YOU JUST WON AN
OSCAR FOR "BOYHOOD," WHICH WAS AN AMAZING TIME OF YOUR LIFE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THAT
TIME? >> IT WAS JUST SO CRAZY, THE
WHOLE KIND OF CIRCUIT OF THAT THING.
YOU'RE JUST CONSTANTLY GOING. I REMEMBER LAYING DOWN ON THE
GROUND AND ALMOST CRYING AT ONE POINT.
>> James: BECAUSE IT WAS THE PRESSURE OF IT.
>> I WAS, LIKE, I CAN'T DO ANOTHER THING, I CAN'T CHANGE MY
CLOTHES AGAIN. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I'M SAYING
ANYMORE. WHO AM I?
>> James: IT'S SUCH A BRILLIANT FILM AND WE'LL ALWAYS
REMEMBER YOU AS OUR SECOND GUEST ON THE SHOW.
YOU CAME, DID A SKETCH. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO AMAZING.
>> THANK YOU. >> James: AS WAS MR. BEN
SCWARTZ, WHO WAS ON OUR FIRST EVER PILOT SHOW THAT NEVER
AIRED. AND NOW THIS IS BIG NEWS, YOU'RE
GETTING SOME BIG EMMY BUZZ FOR YOUR BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE IN
"THE AFTERPARTY." IT'S ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
>> THAT'S VERY KIND. >> James: BUT THIS WOULDN'T BE
THE FIRST EMWHEREY. YOU WON AN EMMY FOR WRITING.
>> WHEN HUGH JACKMAN HOSTED THE OSCARS.
WE AND TWO OTHERS WROTE A MUSICAL BEGINNING.
I WAS LIVING IN A SMALL APARTMENT IN LOS ANGELES.
IT WAS SITTING NEXT TO MY NINTENDO AND MY XBOX.
SO AS A BIT I PUT IT IN MY KITCHEN AND I PUT MY SAL TEENS
IN THE LITTLE GLOBE ON TOP THINKING IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS.
TURNS OUT THE SALT IN THE SAL TEENS PUTS GREY LINES THROUGH
THE GOLD SO MY EMMY LOOKS LIKE GHOST FROM CHRISTMAS PAST.
IT'S SEEN A LOT. >> James: PATRICIA, YOU HAD AN
INTERESTING CHILDHOOD. YOUR PARENTS TOOK YOU TO A THING
WHICH I'VE NEVER HEARD OF CALLED A WAL WALK PARTY.
>> YEAH. AS SOON AS A BABY STARTS TO WALK
AND TAKE THEIR FIRST STEPS, THEY INVITE PEOPLE OVER, FAMILY AND
FRIENDS AND SAY BRING SOMETHING THAT KIND OF INDICATES A CAREER.
SO YOU PUT IT ALL AROUND THE BABY AND THE BABY KIND OF CRAWLS
TO WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE. IT'S ALL IN ONE, BUT I DID PICK
A JUDGE'S GAVEL. AND IT'S REALLY TRUE.
I AM LIKE THAT. >> James: VERY JUDGE MEANTLE?
I AM. I REALLY AM!
TEN YEARS! THAT'S IT!
>> James: YOUR FIRST TO RE INTO IMPROVE IS YOU WORKED AS A
JAN TORE. >> ONE OF MY DUTIES WAS TO DO
THE RECYCLING AND THE GARBAGE. THERE ARE PIPES BECAUSE WE WERE
UNDERNEATH A SUPERMARKET. THERE WERE PIPES LEAKING STUFF
FROM THE DELI MEET, SO I WOULD HAVE TO REPLACE THE GARBAGE BAGS
THAT HOLDS THE LIQUID. THAT'S HOW I KNOW THE COMEDY IS
FRESH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? >> James: LET'S CALL IT WHAT
IT IS. MEAT JUICE.
>> THERE'S MEAT JUICE UP THERE. STRAIGHT-UP MEAT JUICE UP THERE.
>> WOW. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AT THE
END OF "SEVERANCE," YOU GUYS WILL GO CRAZY.
THERE ARE EIGHT EPISODES. >> James: TEN, HUH?
I KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE. OKAY.
>> James: LET'S CONGRATULATE YOU ON SEVERANCE.
IT'S SUCH A GOOD SHOW. IT REALLY IS.
FOR ANYONE WHO HASN'T SEEN IT, TELL THEM WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND
WHO YOU PLAY. >> WELL, IT'S KIND OF THIS RETRO
FUTURISTIC WORLD THAT STARTS IN THIS WORKPLACE, AND THERE'S THIS
GUY NAMED MARK PLAYED BY ADAM SCOTT, AND HE GETS THIS
PROCEDURE CALLED SEVERANCE WHERE YOU GET THIS MEDICAL PROCEDURE
THAT MAKES YOU, WHEN YOU'RE AT WORK, YOU CAN ONLY REMEMBER
BEING AT WORK AND WHEN YOU'RE AT HOME YOU CAN ONLY REMEMBER BEING
AT HOME, AND I PLAY HIS BOSS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO REALLY TALK ABOUT --
>> I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING FOR EVERYBODY OR
ANYBODY. I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE MAY HAVE
SEEN IT, SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT HAVE.
>> James: YOU'RE A BIG FAN. HUGE FAN.
I THINK YOU'RE ALL AMAZING AND
BEN STILL DID AN INCREDIBLE JOB. >> BEN STILLER DIRECTED IT.
AND YOUR LAST TV SHOW. I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
I THINK YOU'RE FANTASTIC. CAN YOU GIVE ME A BRIEF
DESCRIPTION OF THE AFTERPART THAT YOU SAID I HAVE A HUGE EMMY
BUZZ FOR IN IT'S ON APPLE TV PLUGS --
>> James: LET ME TELL YOU, IT'S YOU -- I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
SAY YOU -- >> TELL ME ABOUT IT.
>> James: I WILL! YOU, SAM RICHARDSON, TIFFANY HAD
DISH, DAVE FRANCO, A LOT OF OTHER FUNNY PEOPLE.
A MURDER'S HAPPENED, AT A SCHOOL REYEUN YOB, AND EACH EPISODE IS
IN A DIFFERENT GENRE. YOURS IS MUSICAL.
>> HAS EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS SHOW BEEN ON THIS SHOW?
BE HONEST. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT WAS AMAZING, SHOW. WILL YOU WATCH SOMETIME IN THE
NEXT WEEK AND TEXT ME? OF COURSE, NOT.
EVER SEEN ANY EPISODES OF SEVERANCE?
NO. >> James: I'VE SEEN SOME
"SEVERANCE." I HAVEN'T FINISHED IT YET.
I'M SAVING "THE AFTERPARTY" FOR A SPECIAL WEEKEND FOR ME AND MY
WIFE. OKAY, I CAN'T WAIT TO CHAT.
>> James: FOR OUR 25 25th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
LET'S LOOK AT A CLIP FROM "SEVERANCE," WHICH IS STREAMING
NOW ON APPLE TV+. >> BOARD FINDS THIS DEEPLY
TROUBLING. THE BOARD WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU
KNEW HE WAS MISSING AND IF YOU HAVE SPOKEN TO THE POLICE?
>> WHOEVER KILLED MR. GREINER IS PROBABLY THE SAME PERSON WHO
REINTEGRATED PETER GILMER. >> THE BOARD REMINDS YOU
REINTEGRATION -- >> REINTEGRATION HAPPENED AND I
HAVE THE DATA TO PROVE IT, AND I WOULD BE HAPPY TO SHARE MY
FINDINGS IN PERSON WITHOUT INTERMEDIARIES.
>> James: STICK AROUND, MORE WITH THIS TWO WHEN WE COME BACK,
EVERYBODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> YEAH! I MAKE THIS LOOK GOOD!
>> HUH! OH, GREAT, THE WINTER
SOLDIER. AAAHHH!
FOR A GUY NAMED KNUCKLES, YOU ARE REALLY BAD AT PUNCHING.
>> SURRENDER THE COMPASS. YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR ME!
I HAVE BEEN TRAINING FOR THIS MY ENTIRE LIFE.
>> AND I HAVE NO TRAINING AT ALL, YET HERE I AM AHEAD OF YOU,
THAT'S GOT TO BE EMBARRASSING! ♪♪
>> JAMES: THAT WAS A CLIP FROM
"SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2," WHICH IS AVAILABLE NOW TO BUY ON DIGITAL
AND STREAM ON PARAMOUNT+. CONGRATS ON THE FILM.
>> THANK YOU! >> James: IT'S THE HIGHEST
GROSSING VIDEO GAME MOVIE EVER. TELL US WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS
ONE. >> OKAY, SO SONIC UNDERGOES A
SURGERY THAT SEPARATES HIS WORK FROM HIS PERSONAL LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND A GUYS FROM PARKS AND REC IS
THERE -- NO, TAILS IS WITH HIM, KNUCKLES IS THE FOE AND JIM
CAREY IS IN IT WHO'S BRILLIANT AND HILARIOUS.
IT'S MORE ACTION AND ADVENTURE. IT'S OUT ON YOUR COUCH.
YOU CAN WATCH IT RIGHT THERE. DO YOU OWN A COUCH?
>> James: I HAVE TWO. YOU OWN TWO?
>> James: DON'T MAKE A DEAL ABOUT IT, I'M DOING PRETTY WELL.
I'M A TWO-COUCH GUY. YOU MENTIONED JIM CAREY IS IN
THE FILM. >> YES.
>> James: YOU AND I BOTH HUGE FANS.
FOR YOU, HE IS VERY MUCH A HERO, RIGHT?
>> I LOVE HIM. >> James: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
JIM CAREY MOVIE? >> DUMB AND DUMBER IS THE TOP
FIVE MOVIE OF ALL TIME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS GOING TO AGE ME, BUT BACK IN THE DAY THERE'S A TV SET
WITH THE VHS HOOKED UP. >> James: I REMEMBER THAT,
BABY. >> I THINK I STILL HAVE ONE IN
MY BASEMENT. >> TECHNOLOGY.
YOU CAN USE IT. WHEN MY SISTER DIDN'T NEED IT, I
PUT IT IN MY BATHROOM CLOSET AND WE HAD FIVE, SO ANYTIME I WENT
TO THE BATHROOM I WOULD WATCH DUMB AND DUMBER.
I GUESS WE'LL CUT THAT OUT FOR THE REAL SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I'VE SEEN THAT MOVIE ONE
BILLION TIMES. >> James: IT HOLDS UP.
IT'S AMAZING. WHAT'S YOUR MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
>> James: OF ALL TIME. CAN'T SAY "BOYHOOD."
>> James: IT'S NOT "BOYHOOD." IT'S ACTUALLY "SONIC THE
HEDGEHOG" ONE. >> WHAT?
OH, MY! >> James: IT'S WHY I REFUSE TO
WATCH THE SEQUEL BECAUSE IT'S A SMASH IN OUR HOUSE.
MY FAVORITE JIM CAREY FILM IS ALSO DUMB AND DUMBER.
YOU KNOW THE STORY ABOUT DUMB AND DUMBER, THEY KEPT PITCHING
HIM COMEDIANS TO BE THE OTHER CHARACTER AND JIM CAREY VERY
RIGHTLY SAID, NO, NO, NO, GET ME AN ACTOR, JUST GET ME THE BEST
ACTOR YOU CAN FIND WHO WILL PLAY IT COMPLETELY TRUTHFULLY AND
THEN PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE THEY ARE THIS DUMB AND THAT'S WHY
JEFF DANIELS WAS ACCEPTED. >> AND IMAGINE A SCENE WHERE HE
HAS TERRIBLE DIARRHEA FOR FIVE MINUTES.
>> James: CORRECT. AND PATRICIA, YOU ARE WHAT I
WOULD CALL A COLLECTOR. SOME PEOPLE MIGHT REFER TO THIS
AS HOARDING OR A PACK RAT, SHOULD WE SAY?
BUT I LIKE TO CALL YOU A COLLECTOR.
HOW SERIOUS IS THIS COLLECTING/HOARDING?
SET THE SCENE. >> EVERYTHING HAS A PURPOSE.
>> James: BEING YOU STILL HAVE A TV VHS IN YOUR CRAG.
>> YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU NEED THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, BUT OVER HERE IS 100
CROCHETED COSTUMES I MADE. THAT'S WHAT THESE BINS ARE.
THEY'RE NOT TRASH. I DO EASTER EGG HUNTS WITH CLUES
AND THINGS. YES, I MADE THOSE EGGS OUT OF
PAPIER MACHE, THAT'S NOT TRASH. >> James: RIGHT.
I MADE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. I MAKE THINGS.
I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW. >> James: YOU DON'T NEED TO
APOLOGIZE. >> WELL, IT IS A MESS.
YOU COME IN, IT'S, LIKE, THAT GIANT PILE, NO, NO, THAT'S THIS
OTHER PROJECT I'M WORKING ON. THAT OTHER ONE, NO, ON DANA'S
PHOTO SESSION, I GOT AN IDEA. >> James: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
CROCHETED COSTUMES. I HAVE A DREAM FOR YOU TO
CROCHET A SUIT FOR ME. >> REALLY?
>> James: THAT'S A LIFELONG DREAM OF MINE.
>> THEY'RE PRETTY BIG HITS. I'VE WORN THEM AROUND, NOBODY
KNOWS WHO I AM. >> James: WILL YOU MAKE ME A
CROCHET SUIT BEFORE I LEAVE THE SHOW?
>> THAT GIVES ME A WHILE. I THINK I COULD DO IT.
>> WOW, WOW. IT WILL HAPPEN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: REGGIE, DO YOU HAVE
A QUESTION FOR OUR GUESTS THIS EVENING?
>> Reggie: YES. TONIGHT'S QUESTION --
( DRUM ROLL ) -- GOES TO THE COUCH.
IF YOU ONLY HAD FIVE INGREDIENTF MARSHMALLOWS, TWO USED TRICYCLE
WHEELS, A FEW COMPONENTS FROM A PARAGLIDER, A SMALL, LINEAR
REACTOR, AND A MOUSE THAT'S A LITTLE BIT BIGGER THAN YOUR
USUAL MOUSE, WHAT WOULD YOU MAKE FROM THAT?
>> I'D PUT THE MOUSE IN THE TIRE, PUT THE LINEAR EXPANDER,
AND THE WHOLE IDEA IS IF WE CAN GET THE MOUSE TO GO FAST ENOUGH,
WE CAN GET ENOUGH ELECTRICITY TO TRAVEL THROUGH TIME.
I WANT TO GO FIVE SECONDS BEFORE THE WHOLE THING STARTED.
SO IT'S JUST A LOOP OF FIVE SECONDS --
>> WHY ARE WE DOING THAT? LET'S GO SOMEWHERE FUN.
>> WATCH THIS, WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE FUN.
WHERE DO WE WANT TO GO? THE '60s, I'VE NEVER BEEN
THERE. >> YOU WANT TO GO TO FIVE
MINUTES AGO. >> BUT DRESSED LIKE I'M IN
1920s. I REALLY WANT TO SCREW WITH MY
AND POP ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS. WHAT WILL WE DO IN THE '20s IN
PARIS? >> WE'RE GOING TO BUY PAINTINGS!
THIS IS THE NEW OCEANS 11. >> James: REGGIE?
>> Reggie: THAT IS MEGA CORRECT.
>> James: IT IS! THANK OUR AMAZING GUESTS!
WE HAVE STANDUP FROM OPHIRA EISENBERG WHEN WE COME BACK!
>> James: WELCOME BACK. OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT
STAND-UP COMEDIAN WITH A BRAND-NEW ALBUM, "PLANT-BASED
JOKES," AVAILABLE NOW. PLEASE WELCOME, THE HILARIOUS,
OPHIRA EISENBERG. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> HEY! ALL RIGHT!
HELLO, EVERYBODY! NICE!
SO GREAT TO BE HERE! THIS IS AWESOME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO, I'M SINGLE -- I'M SORRY.
I AM MARRIED WITH A CHILD. I ALWAYS FORGET WHICH FEMALE
COMEDIENNE I AM. I AM MARRIED WITH A CHILD.
I HAVE A LITTLE SIX-YEAR-OLD SON ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. IT IS WEIRD BEING HERE KNOWING
HE'S HOME ALONE, BUT I APPRECIATE THAT.
YEAH, AND I HAD HIM LATER IN LIFE.
WHEN IT WAS PREGNANT, I WAS CONSIDERED BOTH RIGHT
HIS EXCE -- BOTHHIGH RISK AND A. ( APPLAUSE )
AS A WOMANNICS IF YOU DO ANYTHING OFF OF SOCIETY'S TIME
CLOCK FOR YOU, YOU ARE JUDGED, ASKED A LOT OF DUMB QUESTIONS.
I CAN'T TELL YOU THE NUMBER OF TIMES I HAVE BEEN ASKED, WHY DID
YOU WAIT SO LONG? IT'S BECAUSE I HATE KIDS.
YEAH. YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT THEY SAY YOU LOVE YOUR OWN,
YOU KNOW. FINGERS CROSSED.
IT'S A LITTLE TOO YOUNG TO TELL. NO, HE'S COOL.
I HAVE A COOL KID. I GUESS.
I DON'T KNOW, I CALL HIM MY GOOD EGG BECAUSE I KNOW FOR A FACT HE
WAS MY LAST GOOD EGG. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD THIS
KID BIOLOGICALLY, BUT WE'RE RAISING HIM ADOPTED BECAUSE I
WANT HIM TO FEEL CHOSEN, OKAY. I WANT HIM TO FEEL CHOSEN.
I THINK THE RUDEST THING ANYONE SAID TO ME WAS, IT WAS A MAN, A
STRANGE MAN, I DID NOT KNOW HIM, I WAS WITH MY LITTLE KID AND HE
CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, IS THAT YOUR FIRST CHILD?
I SAID, YES. HE GOES, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
I'M JUST CURIOUS, HOW LONG WERE YOU TRYING?
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I KNOW.
I JUST ANSWERED. AND I SAID, I THINK IT WAS FIVE
OR SIX MINUTES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I REMEMBER "GAME OF THRONES" WAS ON PAUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN THE MAGIC HAPPENED, OH,
YEAH. MY HUSBAND IS A NERD.
I MARRIED A NERD. I ASKED HIM TO BUY CLOTHES FOR
OUR KID. SO HE BOUGHT OUR SON A T -SHIRT.
THEY LOVE PUTTING SLOGANS ON KIDS CLOTHES.
IF IT'S BOY THEY'RE ALL ABOUT DADDY.
SO WE GOT A T-SHIRT FOR OUR SON THAT READS "TOUGH LIKE DADDY."
I WAS, LIKE, WAIT TILL THEY MEET DADDY -- NO, NO, WE NEED OVERLY
SENSITIVE, LIKE DADDY. THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
OR OFTEN CONFUSED, LIKE DADDY, THAT'S ACCURATE.
CAN'T HOLD HIS LIQUOR, LIKE DADDY, THAT'S --
( APPLAUSE ) -- HOW THE WHOLE THING STARTED.
YEAH, SO WE'RE TRYING. YOU KNOW, IT'S OUR FIRST KID SO
WE'RE FIGURING IT OUT. AND THEN THE PANDEMIC HAPPENED,
AND I'LL TELL YOU THIS, NOBODY TOLD ME AS A MOTHER THAT I WOULD
HAVE TO RAISE MY OWN CHILD. OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
SOMETIMES I LOOK BACK TO BEFORE ALL OF THIS AND I WONDER, DID I
USED TO PARENT BEFORE? LIKE, SERIOUSLY, WHEN THERE WAS
SCHOOL AND ACTIVITIES AND BABYSITTERS AND A GRANDPARENT, I
THINK I USED TO WEIGH IN, LIKE, 12% OF THE TIME.
OKAY? AND I WANT THE TEAM BACK,
PEOPLE. I WANT THE TEAM BACK.
I'M JUST LOOKING FOR SOME POSITIVITY, REALLY.
SO, OBVIOUSLY, HARD TO READ THE NEWS.
I'M JUST SCROLLING THROUGH MY LIFESTYLE PIECES AND THEY ARE
BUMMERS, TOO. I'VE GOT TO SAY, I WAS LOOKING
AT THE HEADLINES AND THEY'RE LIKE, HAS ZOOM CHANGED YOUR
BRAIN CHEMISTRY PERMANENTLY? I WAS, LIKE, OH, MY GOD!
YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVED THE PANDEMIC BUT WILL IT SURVIVE THE
SUMMER? EXPERTS SAY NO!
TEN THINGS YOU LOVE THAT ARE GONE!
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST NEED SOME LEVITY RIGHT
NOW. I WANT SOME OPTIMISM.
I'LL READ ANYTHING POSITIVE EVEN IF IT'S CLICK BAIT GARBAGE, I
WANT TO READ IT, OKAY. I WANT TO READ STUDIES SHOW
ALTERNATING COFFEE AND WINE IS GOOD FOR YOUR BRAIN CHEMISTRY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT?
CRYING, CREATE FOR YOUR SKIN! YEAH!
( LAUGHTER ) TEN UNMOTIVATED PEOPLE WHO
BECAME BILLIONAIRES! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! ( BAND PLAYING )
>> JAMES: OPHIRA EISENBERG EVERYONE!
THE ALBUM IS, "PLANT-BASED JOKES" AND IT'S OUT NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> James: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
TOMORROW NIGHT: BRETT GELMAN AND AMANDA PEET.
WE HOPE YOU WILL BE HERE, TOO. REGGIE, TAKE US HOME.