1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:05,939 ♪ ARE YOU READY, Y'ALL TO HAVE SOME FUN 2 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:11,945 ♪ AND FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT DON'T YOU WORRY WHERE IT IS 3 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:13,213 ♪ YOU COME FROM IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT 4 00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:17,050 ♪ IT'S THE "LATE, LATE SHOW" ♪ >> Reggie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 5 00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:20,420 ALL THE WAY FROM 6 00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:22,422 >> Announcer: ALL THE WAY FROM RIGHT EXACTLY WHERE HE'S AT, 7 00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:24,157 IT'S JAMES CORDEN! 8 00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:26,292 COME ON! 9 00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:35,535 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: I APPRECIATE IT! 10 00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:39,672 THANK YOU VERY MUCH! 11 00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:45,044 CHEERS! 12 00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:53,720 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD EVENING! 13 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:57,657 WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW"! 14 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:58,525 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 15 00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:03,296 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING. 16 00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:06,032 WAS THAT LONGER THAN NORMAL? 17 00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:07,033 IT ONLY FELT LONGER? 18 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,002 WAS IT THE SAME LENGTH. 19 00:01:09,068 --> 00:01:09,569 >> YEAH. 20 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:10,970 >> James: NO, IT WASN'T. 21 00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:15,074 NO, I FELT LIKE I WAS OUT HERE FOR A SUMMER BREAK, JUST 22 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:16,543 THANKING PEOPLE. 23 00:01:16,609 --> 00:01:19,345 THEY'RE, LIKE, BRO, YEAH, WE GET IT. 24 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,548 >> WE REALLY TRIED TO REMEMBER THE THEME SONG. 25 00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:23,249 WE WERE ALMOST THERE. 26 00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:25,518 >> IT'S ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES WE PLAYED IT. 27 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:29,489 >> James: SO 1,084. 28 00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:38,031 GLAD WE'RE FINALLY NAILING IT. 29 00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:39,966 LET'S SEE WHO THE GUESTS ARE TONIGHT! 30 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,769 TIG NOTARO IS HERE TONIGHT. 31 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:43,369 >> HI, JAMES. 32 00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:44,871 >> James: HOW'S IT GOING? 33 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:45,305 WELL. 34 00:01:45,371 --> 00:01:46,406 >> James: GOOD. 35 00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:48,641 UST HAVING SOME TEA AND WAITING TO GO ON YOUR TV SHOW. 36 00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:52,812 >> James: YOU'RE ON IT RIGHT NOW. 37 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:53,546 >> OH, MY GOSH! 38 00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:57,984 >> James: THIS IS IT. 39 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,853 THIS IS MY BIG BREAK, THANK YOU. 40 00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:01,421 >> James: IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE. 41 00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:04,357 TIG NOTARO, EVERYBODY! 42 00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:08,261 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND A BRILLIANT ACTOR, SO GOOD 43 00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:12,732 IN THE HBO SERIES "THE STAIRCASE," THE DASHING PATRICK 44 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:13,933 SCHWARZENEGGER IS HERE TONIGHT. 45 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,669 HEY, PATRICK, HOW ARE YOU? 46 00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:17,036 >> GREAT. 47 00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:17,770 HOW ARE YOU? 48 00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:18,938 >> James: VERY WELL. 49 00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:20,039 OH, I LIKE THIS. 50 00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:21,274 >> MY OUTFIT? 51 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:25,111 >> James: LEATHER SPORTS COAT WITH A SHIRT AND TIE. 52 00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:26,145 I LIKE IT. 53 00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:27,180 >> THANK YOU. 54 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,282 >> James: I DON'T THINK I COULD EVER PULL IT OFF. 55 00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:30,483 >> YOU COULD. 56 00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:34,120 >> James: YOU, HOWEVER, LOOK LIKE YOU COULD BE EITHER BOND OR 57 00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:36,956 BOND VILLAIN. 58 00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:38,024 >> I'LL TAKE IT. 59 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:41,661 >> James: WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER? 60 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:42,695 >> I THINK BOND VILLAIN. 61 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:43,696 WHY NOT? 62 00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:44,464 >> James: ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 63 00:02:44,531 --> 00:02:46,733 PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER, EVERYBODY! 64 00:02:46,799 --> 00:02:54,374 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> AND WE ARE THRILLED HE'S 65 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:59,345 CHOSEN US TO MAKE HIS DEBUT TONIGHT, DUSTIN NICKERSON IS 66 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:01,080 HERE TONIGHT! 67 00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:02,115 >> HELLO! 68 00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:04,617 I'M SORRY I'M SO MUCH LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN PATRICK. 69 00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:05,251 I'M SO SORRY. 70 00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:06,619 >> James: I DISAGREE. 71 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,755 I THINK YOU COULD BE BOND VILLAIN. 72 00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:09,589 >> OH, YEAH? 73 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:11,958 NOT JUST LIKE THE NERDY SIDEKICK OR -- 74 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,460 >> James: ACTUALLY, I SEE THIS HAPPENING FOR YOU. 75 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:19,499 I WISH THIS ON YOU, DUSTIN. 76 00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:20,633 >> THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. 77 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,870 >> James: WE HAVE A BOND VILLAIN, THE U.S. CANNEN, AND WE 78 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,973 JUST NEED A BOND NOW. 79 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,677 THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE, PETE ON CAMERA TWO! 80 00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,845 THAT'S THE BOND WE ALL WANT. 81 00:03:32,912 --> 00:03:34,881 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 82 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,083 TUNS DUNST, EVERYBODY! 83 00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:40,253 HAGAR, READY? 84 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,322 I'M JAMES CORDEN AND THIS IS Captioning sponsored by CBS 85 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:53,032 ♪ THE LATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH THE LATE LATE SHOW, WOO! 86 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:58,771 ♪ THE LATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH THE LATE LATE SHOW OH-OH! 87 00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:06,245 ♪ IT'S THE LATE, LATE SHOW ♪ >> James: THERE IT IS. 88 00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:07,447 AS YOU CAN SEE, REGGIE ISN'T HERE TODAY. 89 00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:12,085 HE REQUESTED THAT I TELL YOU AL -- AND THIS IS TRUE, A TRUE 90 00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:16,723 MESSAGE FROM REGGIE WATTS -- HE'S GOT COVID-23. 91 00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:18,691 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A NEW STRAIN. 92 00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:23,196 HE HAS ALWAYS AHEAD OF THE CURVE, ISN'T HE? 93 00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:26,666 HE'S GOT THE COOLEST STRAIN OF COVID BUT HE'S FEELING GOOD, 94 00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:27,800 RIGHT, ROB? 95 00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,969 >> YEAH, SO FAR, ASYMPTOMATIC. 96 00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:31,137 >> James: NO SYMPTOMS. 97 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:36,809 SO HE'S SITTING AT HOME PLAYING Xbox, AND WHO KNEW THAT 98 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:44,250 WITHOUT HIM HERE, EVEN THE VERY START OF THE SHOW WOULD BE 99 00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:47,153 THAT -- WOULD BE THAT ( BLEEP ) UP. 100 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:52,325 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I MEAN, I KNEW. 101 00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:54,560 >> James: REALLY, YOU KNEW? 102 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,697 YEAH, I HAD A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS BUT I SAID I WOULD DO 103 00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:58,731 IT ANYWAY. 104 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,600 >> James: WHY DID YOU HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT IT? 105 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:04,971 >> I DON'T KNOW, JUST IN MY GUT, I HAD A FEELING THAT THIS WAS 106 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,674 GOING TO SUCK. 107 00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:10,510 ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: BUT YOU DIDN'T 108 00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:16,115 THINK, I THINK THIS IS GOING TO SUCK, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE SURE 109 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:17,550 IT DOESN'T. 110 00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:20,186 >> NO, IT'S LIKE A TRAIN COMING, CAN'T GET OFF THE TRACKS. 111 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:24,791 >> James: NO WAY THE BAND THOUGHT -- 112 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:26,392 >> THERE'S NOTHING WE COULD DO. 113 00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:27,760 >> James: THERE'S EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO. 114 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:30,063 I THINK YOU INTRODUCED ME TOO EARLY. 115 00:05:30,129 --> 00:05:30,763 >> I DID. 116 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:31,631 I DID. 117 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,900 >> James: SO THAT'S WHY IT FELTED LONGER. 118 00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:37,070 >> DO YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME PARSING THIS OUT? 119 00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:42,075 ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, 120 00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:43,142 EVERYBODY. 121 00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:53,953 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER HERE. 122 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:58,291 CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE ARNOLD 123 00:05:58,357 --> 00:05:59,158 SCHWARZENEGGER'S SON. 124 00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:01,127 PRETTY DAMN COOL. 125 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:07,166 >> YOU COULD BE A FULL GROWN ADULT AND HE COULD SCOOP YOU UP. 126 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:08,634 >> James: YES. 127 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,903 MY DAD HASN'T SCOOPED ME UP IN YEARS. 128 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:14,107 ( LAUGHTER ) FOLLOWED HIS CAREER PATH TO 129 00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:15,007 BECOME AN ACTOR. 130 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:17,110 DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT, IAN. 131 00:06:17,176 --> 00:06:24,317 >> AND BECOMING A DIVORCE ATTORNEY? 132 00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:25,384 ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 133 00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:28,287 I DON'T THINK I WOULD BE A GOOD LAWYER AT ALL. 134 00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:29,122 >> James: WHY? 135 00:06:29,188 --> 00:06:31,557 I'M A REALLY PEOPLE PLEASER. 136 00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:35,461 SO WHATEVER THE OTHER LAWYER WANTED, I WOULD BE, LIKE, YEAH, 137 00:06:35,528 --> 00:06:36,362 YEAH, COOL. 138 00:06:36,429 --> 00:06:38,531 WE'LL BE FINE. 139 00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:39,098 YEAH. 140 00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:40,733 WHEREAS IVAN, PIT BULL. 141 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,504 >> James: HE'D REPRESENT A PIT BULL? 142 00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:47,540 >> HE'D REPRESENT A PIT BULL. 143 00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:51,377 >> James: HE REPRESENTED MR. WORLDWIDE. 144 00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:52,345 >> YEAH. 145 00:06:52,411 --> 00:06:56,783 >> James: HAS PIT BULL BEEN THROUGH A DIVORCE? 146 00:06:56,849 --> 00:07:00,453 >> COME ON -- ( LAUGHTER ) 147 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,623 >> James: THAT IS THE FUNNIEST REACTION TO THAT? 148 00:07:03,689 --> 00:07:12,431 HAS PIT BULL BEEN THROUGH A DIVORCE, YOU GOOGLING IT? 149 00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:14,634 >> I DON'T THINK HE WAS EVER MARRIED. 150 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,969 >> James: MR. WORLDWIDE NEVER MARRIED. 151 00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:18,905 >> BUT A FATHER, SIX CHILDREN. 152 00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:22,241 >> James: THAT'S WHERE HE GOT THE NAME MR. WORLDWIDE. 153 00:07:22,308 --> 00:07:26,078 >> I'LL MARRY HIM IF HE'S LOOKING. 154 00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:29,515 >> James: YOU WOULD MARRY PITBULL? 155 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:30,183 >> OH, GOD, YES. 156 00:07:30,249 --> 00:07:31,017 >> James: STOP. 157 00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:35,054 I NEED A PLAN B ONCE THE SHOW ENDS. 158 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,657 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 159 00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:38,925 >> James: I GET IT! 160 00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:40,193 I GET IT. 161 00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:40,693 >> YEAH. 162 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,563 >> James: I HEAR IT. 163 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,231 I'VE GOT TO MARRY PITBULL. 164 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:49,435 >> James: MR. WORLDWIDE, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, LAUREN 165 00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:56,576 GREENBERG, INSTAGRAM, TWITTER -- ( APPLAUSE ) 166 00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:03,616 WE COULD GO ON LIKE THIS FOREVER, WE REALLY COULD, BUT WE 167 00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:06,986 WOULD NEVER DENY THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA WHAT THEY WANT AND 168 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:12,725 DESERVE, IT IS TIME FOR THE NEWS. 169 00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:13,860 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WE HAVE SOME EXCITING LOCAL 170 00:08:13,926 --> 00:08:15,127 NEWS TO TELL YOU ABOUT. 171 00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:16,295 PRESIDENT BIDEN ARRIVES HERE IN OS ANGELES TOMORROW AFTERNOON - 172 00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:18,931 FOR HIS FIRST MAJOR VISIT TO THE CITY SINCE TAKING OFFICE. 173 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:22,602 BIDEN'S TRIP TO LOS ANGELES IS PART OF OPERATION: WAIT, GAS 174 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:26,138 COSTS HOW MUCH? 175 00:08:26,205 --> 00:08:28,941 # ( LAUGHTER ) 176 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:33,145 POLITICIANS ALWAYS TEND TO PANDER TO THEIR LOCAL AUDIENCES 177 00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:36,616 WHICH EXPLAINS WHY JOE BIDEN PLANS TO SHOW UP IN LOS ANGELES 178 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:42,588 LOOKING LIKE THIS. 179 00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:45,791 IF YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF TAKING BIDEN ON A TOUR OF L.A., WHAT 180 00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:46,826 WOULD YOU DO? 181 00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:50,463 IF THEY SAID, IAN, THE PRESIDENT'S GOT TWO HOURS TO 182 00:08:50,529 --> 00:08:51,697 KILL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? 183 00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:54,200 WHERE WOULD YOU GO? 184 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:58,571 >> I'D PROBABLY WALK HIM UP AND DOWN HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, TRY TO 185 00:08:58,638 --> 00:09:02,942 TIRE HIM OUT SO I COULD GET HIM IN FOR A NAP AROUND 4:00. 186 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,177 ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: APPARENTLY, I HEARD 187 00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:10,249 A RUMOR HE'S DOING A FUNDRAISING THING AT A HOUSE AT THE VERY TOP 188 00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:14,720 OF MY ROAD, WHICH IS A ( BLEEP) NIGHTMARE. 189 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:17,590 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE BAD ON EVERY LEVEL. 190 00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:18,090 >> YEAH. 191 00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:22,695 >> James: A, A SNUB. 192 00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:25,731 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHO'S HOUSE IT IS, 193 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:30,269 BUT THEY NEVER THOUGHT, OH, YOU KNOW WHO LIVES DOWN THE ROAD -- 194 00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:34,640 HE COULD COME IN, NOTHING, ZERO, AND THE TRAFFIC IS GOING TO 195 00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:36,676 ABSOLUTE CARNAGE. 196 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:41,147 >> YEAH, THERE'S GOING TO BE A DUDE IN A WINDBREAKER MAKING 197 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,950 SURE YOU LIVY WHERE YOU SAY YOU LIVE. 198 00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:47,219 >> James: HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT JAZZ. 199 00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:51,223 I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO MY SHUTTLE SPRINTS. 200 00:09:51,290 --> 00:09:52,692 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH. 201 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,528 >> James: WHY IS THAT? 202 00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:57,330 WHY IS THAT FUNNY? 203 00:09:57,396 --> 00:10:05,705 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU HEAD TO BRENT WOOD BETWEEN 204 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:11,043 6:00 TO 9:00, YOU WILL FIND ME DOING TEN BACK TO BACK SHUFFLE 205 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:14,714 SPRINTS, TWO LEFT, TWO RIGHT, EIGHT STRAIGHT, WHICH MAKES 12, 206 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:15,715 I KNOW. 207 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:27,560 ( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, EARLIER TODAY, 208 00:10:27,626 --> 00:10:29,161 EUROPEAN UNION LAWMAKERS REACHED AN AGREEMENT THAT WILL FORCE ALL 209 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:32,965 SMARTPHONES TO HAVE A USB-C PORT FOR CHARGING- WHICH COULD HAVE A 210 00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:34,433 HUGE IMPACT ON APPLE, SINCE IPHONES USE A DIFFERENT KIND OF 211 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:35,468 CONNECTOR. 212 00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:39,572 HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, APPLE? 213 00:10:39,638 --> 00:10:40,806 SMARTPHONES IN EUROPE WILL HAVE TO HAVE A UNIVERSAL CHARGING 214 00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,375 PORT. 215 00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:45,711 APPLE WAS LIKE, OKAY, FINE, BUT CAN THE CHARGING CORDS STILL 216 00:10:45,778 --> 00:10:49,181 BREAK EVERY FOUR MONTHS? 217 00:10:49,248 --> 00:10:52,118 ( LAUGHTER ) CAN WE DO THAT? 218 00:10:52,184 --> 00:10:55,688 DO YOU THINK APPLE IS PREPARED TO FIGHT THIS NEW LAW? 219 00:10:55,755 --> 00:11:00,793 THEY SAID, ACTUALLY, WHUNL CLICKED YOUR iTUNES AGREEMENT 220 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:04,363 IN 2007, YOU AGREED WE WOULD BE SELLING YOU USELESS PIECES OF 221 00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:09,402 PLASTIC FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS! 222 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,937 ( APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? 223 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,372 THE FIRST OF TACO BELL'S NEW HIGH-TECH, DRIVE-THRU-FOCUSED 224 00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:14,607 LOCATIONS OPENED TODAY, IN MINNESOTA. 225 00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:16,509 THE RESTAURANT IS TWO-STORIES TALL AND FOOD IS LOWERED DOWN TO 226 00:11:16,575 --> 00:11:22,248 YOUR CAR IN TINY ELEVATORS, IT'S A TACO BELL ENTIRELY FOCUSED ON 227 00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,450 THE DRIVE-THRU EXPERIENCE. 228 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:31,957 AS OPPOSED TO OTHER TACO BELL LOCATIONS - WHERE IT'S ALL ABOUT 229 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:35,227 THE AMBIANCE. 230 00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:40,366 ( LAUGHTER ) THE KITCHEN PART OF THE 231 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,968 RESTAURANT HAS NO WINDOWS. 232 00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,738 IT FEELS WEIRD THAT TACO BELL IS LIKE WE REALLY WANT TO MAKE SURE 233 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:50,576 IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SEE HOW THIS FOOD IS MADE. 234 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:55,614 ( LAUGHTER ) I WILL SAY THIS WHOLE TACO BELL 235 00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:59,518 THING, THE IDEA, ACTUALLY HERE AT THIS SHOW, WE TAKE ISSUE WITH 236 00:11:59,585 --> 00:12:01,921 THE IDEA OF GETTING FOOD INTO PEOPLE'S CARS FASTER. 237 00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:13,866 LIKE, BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY DID THIS YEARS AGO. 238 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,935 >> I KNEW YOU WOULD DO THAT! 239 00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:23,175 ( SHOUTING ) >> James: AND THAT'S THE NEWS. 240 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,243 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY! 241 00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:39,925 >> JAMES: WELCOME BACK. 242 00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:43,462 YESTERDAY, APPLE HELD THEIR ANNUAL DEVELOPER'S CONFERENCE 243 00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:52,972 WHERE THEY ANNOUNCED MANY NEW PRODUCTS AND FEATURES INCLUDING 244 00:12:53,038 --> 00:13:00,446 A TOTALLY NEW OPERATING SYSTEM FOR THEIR POPULAR APPLE WATCH. 245 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:05,918 BECAUSE APPLE KNOWS WHAT A LITTLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT ON THE 246 00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:09,455 THEY SENT US THE ADVANCED COPY, THE BRAND-NEW WATCH. 247 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:15,094 IT'S GOT TOPS OF NEW FEATURES. 248 00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:19,665 THERE'S A RUMOR IT'S ALSO A WATCH. 249 00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:25,938 ( LAUGHTER ) IT HAS A MODE CALLED CHICKEN 250 00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:27,039 PICKIN' MODE. 251 00:13:27,106 --> 00:13:28,941 LIKE WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING A GUITAR AND YOU CAN STIMULATE 252 00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:32,578 PLAYING GOOD OLD COUNTRY LICKS ON A GUITAR, YOU NEVER HAVE TO 253 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:39,685 LEARN TO PLAY THE GUITAR IF YOU WANT TO DO CHICKEN PICKIN'. 254 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:48,761 YOU JUST -- ♪♪ 255 00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:51,597 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S WEIRD. 256 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,099 I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A BIT LOUDER. 257 00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,502 >> YOU HAVE TO HIT THE VOLUME ON THE SIDE. 258 00:13:56,569 --> 00:14:01,173 >> James: PUT THE VOLUME UP? 259 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:01,974 YEP. 260 00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:05,611 ♪♪ >> James: YEAH, IT'S WEIRD. 261 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,380 THEY SAY IT'S CHICKEN PICKIN' MODE. 262 00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:12,151 IT FEELS JUST LIKE AN ELECTRIC GUITAR. 263 00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:16,589 IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE WATCH SAID, NO, I CAN DO THAT. 264 00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:17,990 BUT CAN'T. 265 00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:25,764 ( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TRY IT ONE MORE TIME. 266 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:35,007 YOU KNOW, THE GOOD OLD COUNTRY CHICKIN' PICKIN' MODE. 267 00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:37,776 ♪♪ YEAH, THERE IT IS! 268 00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:42,548 THERE IT IS! 269 00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:46,885 ( APPLAUSE ) APPLE ALSO WANTS US TO FEEL THE 270 00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:54,927 CALMING EFFECTS OF SMOOTH JAZZ AND THEY ADDED THE KENNY G MODE. 271 00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:59,665 YOU'RE IN A BATH, LIT A SCENTED CANDLE AND YOU WANT TO THROW IN 272 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:07,740 A LITTLE KENNY G AND YOU JUST -- ♪♪ 273 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:22,688 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 274 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,057 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 275 00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:34,533 ♪♪ >> James: YEAH. 276 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,501 PRETTY AMAZING. 277 00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:39,104 AND THIS IS A GOOD ONE. 278 00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:45,411 YOU KNOW, YOU EVER AT HOME OR SOMEWHERE AND YOU THINK, I WISH 279 00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:46,545 I WAS A FLY. 280 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,414 YOU EVER HAVE THAT? 281 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:53,352 YOU EVER HAVE THAT, I WISH THERE WAS A FLY AROUND, I WISH I COULD 282 00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:57,656 JUST -- KILL HIM. 283 00:15:57,723 --> 00:16:00,125 THEY'VE GOT THIS ONE, FLYSWATTER MODE. 284 00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:00,826 HANG ON. 285 00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:03,762 I'VE GOT TO GO -- TO F. 286 00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:18,711 ( LAUGHTER ) 287 00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:20,012 ( LAUGHTER ) 288 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:22,514 OH, GOT IT PAST IT. 289 00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,316 OH, I CAN GO BACK. 290 00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:24,783 THAT'S FINE. 291 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,286 GOT IT. 292 00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:31,824 ( FLY BUZZING SOUNDS ) >> James: WAIT. 293 00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:33,726 IT HASN'T -- ( LAUGHTER ) 294 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,595 LIKE I SAY, THIS IS VERY MUCH A PROTOTYPE. 295 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:41,400 SO YOU'VE GOT THE FLYSWATTER MODE SOMEWHERE AND YOU JUST -- 296 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:56,348 ( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING SOUND ) 297 00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:59,718 ( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING SOUND ) 298 00:16:59,785 --> 00:17:03,555 ( FLY BUZZING ) >> James: IT'S GONE. 299 00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:07,960 IT'S DEAD. 300 00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:11,663 ( BUZZING STOPPED ) THAT FLY IS DEAD. 301 00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,198 >> IT DIDN'T SOUND DEAD. 302 00:17:13,265 --> 00:17:15,734 SOUNDED LIKE YOU MISSED IT. 303 00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:17,803 >> James: OH, YOU THINK IT'S A MISS? 304 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,906 >> I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED IT 305 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:26,879 ( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING ) 306 00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:28,313 THAT'S DEAD. 307 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,149 ( APPLAUSE ) TRY IT AGAIN 308 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:45,097 ( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING SOUNDS ) 309 00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:53,972 ( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING SOUNDS ) 310 00:17:56,241 --> 00:18:04,883 ( NO SOUNDS ) >> James: GONE. 311 00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:10,889 ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THANKS TO APPLE, YOU DON'T 312 00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:16,929 HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE FALL TO CELEBRATE GERMANY'S LARGEST BEER 313 00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:20,299 FESTIVAL OKTOBERFEST BECAUSE THEY'VE ADDED THIS, THEY'VE 314 00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:21,533 ADDED OKTOBERFEST MODE. 315 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:27,573 YOU GO TO OKTOBERFEST, AND YOU CLICK ON IT AND YOU CAN JUST -- 316 00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:35,747 ( POLKA MUSIC ) NOW, WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT THIS 317 00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:40,586 IS THE FASTER YOU OOMPAH-PAH, THE FASTER IT GOES. 318 00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:45,324 IT'S QUITE INCREDIBLE BECAUSE YOU CAN JUST -- 319 00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:54,633 ( POLKA MUSIC, SPEEDING UP ) >> James: IT'S REALLY AMAZING 320 00:18:54,700 --> 00:19:02,241 HOW IT STOPS AS SOON AS YOU -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 321 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:06,245 THEY'VE ALSO ADDED SWITCH MODE WHICH MEANS YOU CAN SEAMLESSLY 322 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:09,681 SWITCH THROUGH ALL OF THE NEW MODES WHENEVER YOU WANT TO. 323 00:19:09,748 --> 00:19:14,786 SO YOU CAN BE LIKE -- ( KENNY G PLAYING ) 324 00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:27,065 ( POLKA) ( KENNY G ) 325 00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:32,070 ( POLKA ) ( FLY BUZZING ) 326 00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:39,778 ( SWATTING SOUNDS ) ( FLY BUZZING ) 327 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:48,086 ( CHICKIN' PICKIN' ) ( KENNY G ) 328 00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:53,792 ( POLKA ) ( FLY BUZZING ) 329 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:59,298 ( SWATTING SOUNDS ) ( FLY BUZZING ) 330 00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:08,006 ( SILENCE ) ( FLY BUZZING ) 331 00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:14,680 ( KENNY DPKS ) G ) 332 00:20:14,746 --> 00:20:20,419 ( FLY BUZZING ) ( KENNY G AND FLY BUZZING AT THE 333 00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:25,324 SAME TIME ) ( LAUGHTER ) 334 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:27,392 ( SWATTING ) >> James: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 335 00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:46,178 >> James: WELCOME BACK! 336 00:20:46,244 --> 00:20:46,979 LET'S MEET OUR GUESTS TONIGHT SHE HOSTS THE PODCAST "DON'T ASK 337 00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,615 TIG," TIG NOTARO! 338 00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:59,324 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 339 00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:03,195 HE STARS IN "THE STAIRCASE," PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER! 340 00:21:03,261 --> 00:21:14,206 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) 341 00:21:14,272 --> 00:21:15,974 THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY. 342 00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:20,312 >> THEY'RE REALLY TIGHT. 343 00:21:20,379 --> 00:21:26,985 ( APPLAUSE ) >> James: NOW, SO HAPPY YOU'RE 344 00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:28,120 HERE. 345 00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:34,092 PATRICK, YOUR MOM, MARIA SHRIVER, SHE LIVES AT THE TOP OF 346 00:21:34,159 --> 00:21:34,960 MY ROAD. 347 00:21:35,027 --> 00:21:35,927 >> YEAH. 348 00:21:35,994 --> 00:21:37,229 >> James: YOU MOVED IN WITH HER DURING COVID. 349 00:21:37,295 --> 00:21:37,896 >> I DID. 350 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,131 >> James: WE WERE VERY CLOSE. 351 00:21:39,197 --> 00:21:40,632 YOU NEVER KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. 352 00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:41,700 WHY WAS THAT? 353 00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:43,969 >> WELL, I NEVER KNEW YOU WERE A NEIGHBOR. 354 00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:49,908 FUNNY STORY, WE'VE NEVER FORMALLY MET. 355 00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:51,576 >> James: NO. 356 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:55,914 ONE DAY WE WERE NEIGHBORS, I WAS ON A DRIVE WITH MY 357 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,082 GIRLFRIEND. 358 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,684 WE WERE DRIVING BACK HOME, I'M PULLING UP TO THE STOP SIGN. 359 00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,052 I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED. 360 00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:04,890 I SEE WHAT SEEMS TO BE A GROWN MAN ON A CORNER AT A STOP SIGN 361 00:22:04,956 --> 00:22:07,526 WITH A LITTLE TEN BY TEN TABLE. 362 00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:10,896 I WAS, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING? 363 00:22:10,962 --> 00:22:13,065 MY GIRLFRIEND SAID, I HAVE NO IDEA. 364 00:22:13,131 --> 00:22:16,968 WE PULL UP, AND I SAID, HE HAS A LEMONADE STAND. 365 00:22:17,035 --> 00:22:20,205 AND SHE'S, LIKE, WHERE ARE HIS KIDS. 366 00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:26,745 I'M, LIKE, WAIT, IS THAT JAMES CORDEN SLINGING $5 CUP LEMONADE 367 00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:29,081 ON OUR STREET? 368 00:22:29,147 --> 00:22:30,716 >> $5 A CUP? 369 00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:31,550 YEAH. 370 00:22:31,616 --> 00:22:33,785 I'M NOT SURE IF YOU WERE RAISING MONEY? 371 00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:35,320 >> WE WERE. 372 00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,656 MY CHILDREN WANTED TO DO IT. 373 00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:44,262 THEY MADE THE LEMONADE, AND WE HAD A MOMENT WHERE ME DAUGHTER, 374 00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:51,703 FIVE OR SIX AT A TIME, AND THE GENTLEMAN CAME UP, HAD BOUGHT A 375 00:22:51,770 --> 00:22:57,642 CUP OF LEMONADE, AND DIDN'T WAIT FOR HIM TO HOLD THE CAR. 376 00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:02,047 SHE JUST WENT, THERE YOU GO, AND DROPPED AN ENTIRE CUP OF 377 00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:05,684 LEMONADE ALL OVER THIS GUY'S SEATED AND HE HAD, LIKE, CLOTHES 378 00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:11,523 ON IT AND THEN SHE RAN INSIDE AND I WAS GOING I'M SO SORRY, 379 00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:13,892 LET ME CLEAR IT UP. 380 00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:15,160 HE SAID, IT'S FINE. 381 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,729 I SAID, NO, LET ME GET PAPER TOWELS FOR YOU. 382 00:23:17,796 --> 00:23:20,398 I RAN INSIDE AND GOT PAPER TOWELS. 383 00:23:20,465 --> 00:23:24,603 I OPENED THE DOOR AND I WAS DRYING THE THING AND HE WENT 384 00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:29,508 EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, WAIT, YOU? 385 00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,009 >> SO I MUST HAVE CAUGHT YOU RIGHT THEN. 386 00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:33,979 >> James: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AROUND THAT TIME FOR SURE. 387 00:23:34,045 --> 00:23:35,080 >> WHERE WAS I? 388 00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:40,318 >> James: HAVE YOU RUN A LEMONADE STAND WITH YOUR KIDS? 389 00:23:40,385 --> 00:23:41,586 >> NO -- UM -- NO. 390 00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:46,324 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT MY WIFE DID JUST BUY THEM A 391 00:23:46,391 --> 00:23:50,428 LEMONADE STAND, YOU KNOW, ONE THAT YOU ASSEMBLE, AND THEY 392 00:23:50,495 --> 00:23:55,100 DIDN'T ASK FOR IT, BUT THEY'RE GETTING ONE. 393 00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,002 THEIR BIRTHDAY IS IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 394 00:23:57,068 --> 00:23:59,404 >> James: WHAT AGE ARE THEY GOING TO BE? 395 00:23:59,471 --> 00:24:00,539 >> SIX. 396 00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:02,941 >> James: SO THEY'RE AT THAT AGE WHERE THEY SAID SIX IS A 397 00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:05,343 GREAT ALIEN SO THEY START DRESSING THEMSELVES, HAVING A 398 00:24:05,410 --> 00:24:06,211 BIT MORE SAY. 399 00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:07,946 DO THEY HAVE I HAVE IN STYLE? 400 00:24:08,013 --> 00:24:10,949 ARE YOU SEEING ANY STYLE IN THE KIDS? 401 00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:14,753 >> THEY'RE DEFINITELY DRESSING THEMSELVES. 402 00:24:14,820 --> 00:24:16,822 YEAH, THEY HAVE CLOTHES ON WHEN THEY LEAVE. 403 00:24:16,888 --> 00:24:19,591 SO I GUESS THAT'S A STYLE. 404 00:24:19,658 --> 00:24:27,566 THEY'RE VERY INTO SPORTS, SO IT'S MAINLY, YOU KNOW, DODGERS 405 00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:36,575 OUTFITS AND BUFFALO BILLS, AND THEN, YOU KNOW, SEERSUCKER 406 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:37,008 SUITS. 407 00:24:37,075 --> 00:24:37,676 >> James: YES. 408 00:24:37,742 --> 00:24:39,778 WE LOVE THE SEERSUCKER SUITS. 409 00:24:39,845 --> 00:24:41,847 >> WITH GRASS STAINS ON THE KNEE. 410 00:24:41,913 --> 00:24:43,081 THEY PLAY IN SEERSUCKER SUITS. 411 00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:49,387 >> James: MY SON IS IN A STAGE E WHERE HE ONLY WORE SUITS THE 412 00:24:49,454 --> 00:24:50,288 WHOLE SUMMER. 413 00:24:50,355 --> 00:24:52,891 NOW HE IS OBSESSED WITH OVERSIZE CLOTHING. 414 00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:56,261 IT'S LIKE HE'S WEARING MY CLOTHES ALL DAY. 415 00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:56,928 HOODINGS. 416 00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:59,264 AND HE'S, LIKE, SHUT UP, DAD. 417 00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:00,165 IT'S COOL. 418 00:25:00,232 --> 00:25:01,967 IT'S AWFUL. 419 00:25:02,033 --> 00:25:04,970 PATRICK, TODAY IS PRIMARY ELECTION DAY HERE IN CALIFORNIA. 420 00:25:05,036 --> 00:25:08,406 YOU WERE TEN YEARS OLD WHEN YOUR FATHER BECAME GOVERNOR OF 421 00:25:08,473 --> 00:25:09,574 CALIFORNIA. 422 00:25:09,641 --> 00:25:12,143 I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THAT MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE AN INCREDIBLE 423 00:25:12,210 --> 00:25:13,478 CULTURE SHOCK FOR YOU. 424 00:25:13,545 --> 00:25:15,313 >> YEAH, IT WAS. 425 00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:16,381 IT WAS. 426 00:25:16,448 --> 00:25:19,885 I'M GOING TO BE HONEST, IT WASN'T THE MOST FUN THING. 427 00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:23,288 WE WENT FROM BEING, LIKE, KIDS HAVING THE BEST TIME. 428 00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:27,659 MY DAD USED TO PICK ME UP EARLY FROM SCHOOL, CHECK ME IN THE 429 00:25:27,726 --> 00:25:29,728 BACK OF HIS HUMMER. 430 00:25:29,794 --> 00:25:35,767 FOR A KID, THAT WAS A DREAM, GOING TO UNIVERSALS WHEN 431 00:25:35,834 --> 00:25:40,739 EVERYTHING WAS FILMING, GETTING TO GO TO E.T. AND KING KONG 432 00:25:40,805 --> 00:25:41,973 DURING BREAKS. 433 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:46,778 THE NEXT YEAR, IT WAS GOING TO SACRAMENTO TO THE CAPITOL WITH A 434 00:25:46,845 --> 00:25:50,081 BUNCH OF 60-YEAR-OLDS AND 70-YEAR-OLDS IN SUITS. 435 00:25:50,148 --> 00:25:54,152 AND HE'S, LIKE, WHO WANTS TO COME WITH DAD TO WORK? 436 00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:56,988 WE'RE ALL, LIKE, NO, WE'RE GOING TO TURN THAT DOWN. 437 00:25:57,055 --> 00:26:00,125 BUT IT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE, BUT THE MOVIE BUSINESS WAS MORE 438 00:26:00,191 --> 00:26:00,892 FUN. 439 00:26:00,959 --> 00:26:04,062 >> James: YEAH, I'M SURE WAY MORE. 440 00:26:04,129 --> 00:26:09,267 YOU'RE WRAPPING UP A YEAR-LONG NATIONWIDE TOUR NOW, IT'S BEEN A 441 00:26:09,334 --> 00:26:10,068 HUGE SMASH. 442 00:26:10,135 --> 00:26:13,138 DO YOU EVER HAVE OFF NIGHTS? 443 00:26:13,204 --> 00:26:15,740 DO YOU EVER HAVE CROWDS WHERE YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT? 444 00:26:15,807 --> 00:26:16,308 >> NOT ONCE. 445 00:26:16,374 --> 00:26:17,976 >> James: NO, NOT EVER? 446 00:26:18,043 --> 00:26:19,711 I ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU. 447 00:26:19,778 --> 00:26:20,211 >> YEAH. 448 00:26:20,278 --> 00:26:21,012 >> James: BUT I DID. 449 00:26:21,079 --> 00:26:22,414 I DID BELIEVE YOU. 450 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:27,852 I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU EVER -- >> NO, ACTUALLY, I THINK I'VE 451 00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:32,557 DONE MAYBE 60 DATES -- I REALLY DON'T KNOW. 452 00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:37,295 IT STARTED IN THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR AND I HAD THIS ONE SHOW 453 00:26:37,362 --> 00:26:44,736 WHERE IT WAS, LIKE, 3,500 PEOPLE JUST WERE LIKE, EH. 454 00:26:44,803 --> 00:26:45,937 EH, YOU KNOW. 455 00:26:46,004 --> 00:26:50,075 AND I WAS JUST, LIKE, OKAY, WHAT CAN I DO TO GET THAT -- YOU 456 00:26:50,141 --> 00:26:54,779 KNOW, IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES IN COMEDY, YOU KNOW. 457 00:26:54,846 --> 00:26:56,881 >> James: SO WHAT DO YOU DO? 458 00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:58,383 WHAT DO YOU DO? 459 00:26:58,450 --> 00:26:59,551 DO YOU EVER REFERENCE IT? 460 00:26:59,617 --> 00:27:01,286 >> I JUST TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN. 461 00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:01,853 >> James: THAT'S IT. 462 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,588 THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT. 463 00:27:03,655 --> 00:27:07,225 >> YOU KNOW, YOU TRY AND BECOME PRESENT IN THE MOMENT AND TRY 464 00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:09,728 AND FIGURE OUT, IS IT ME? 465 00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:11,997 IS SOMETHING GOING ON IN THE WORLD? 466 00:27:12,063 --> 00:27:18,069 YOU JUST HAVE TO KIND OF TAKE -- YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR FAULT, IT'S 467 00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:18,503 YOUR SHOW. 468 00:27:18,570 --> 00:27:19,337 >> James: YEAH. 469 00:27:19,404 --> 00:27:20,605 THAT'S HOW I FEEL. 470 00:27:20,672 --> 00:27:25,510 IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY AND I MESSED UP, AND I'M SORE WHATEVER 471 00:27:25,577 --> 00:27:26,778 CITY THAT WAS. 472 00:27:26,845 --> 00:27:30,181 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT THE 473 00:27:30,248 --> 00:27:31,116 OTHER 59 SHOWS, OKAY. 474 00:27:31,182 --> 00:27:33,718 >> James: SMASHES, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. 475 00:27:33,785 --> 00:27:34,953 >> YEAH. 476 00:27:35,020 --> 00:27:38,289 >> James: PATRICK, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR INCREDIBLE SHOW "THE 477 00:27:38,356 --> 00:27:38,923 STAIRCASE." 478 00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:40,525 THE MOST INCREDIBLE REVIEWS. 479 00:27:40,592 --> 00:27:43,028 TELL US WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND WHO YOU PLAY. 480 00:27:43,094 --> 00:27:46,731 >> IT'S BASED ON THIS AMAZING DOCUMENTARY, TRUE STORY, ABOUT A 481 00:27:46,798 --> 00:27:52,737 FAMILY LIVING IN DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA. 482 00:27:52,804 --> 00:27:57,142 MICHAEL PETERSON FINDS HIS WIFE DEAD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE 483 00:27:57,208 --> 00:28:04,949 STAIRS, AND THIS WHOLE KIND OF TRUE CRIME CRAZY STORY UNFOLDS, 484 00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:06,885 AND THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT. 485 00:28:06,951 --> 00:28:10,855 THAT'S PROBABLY NOT THE BEST WAY TO TALK ABOUT THE SHOW BUT THERE 486 00:28:10,922 --> 00:28:14,025 ARE SO MANY TWISTS AND TURNS IT MAKES IT EXTREMELY INTERESTING 487 00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:18,029 AND FRUSTRATING AND HARD TO DECIDE WHAT HAPPENED. 488 00:28:18,096 --> 00:28:20,065 >> James: IT'S AN UNBELIEVABLE CAST. 489 00:28:20,131 --> 00:28:23,168 YOUR PERFORMANCE IS GETTING RIGHTFULLY ALL OF THE PRAISE 490 00:28:23,234 --> 00:28:25,036 THAT IT DESERVES. 491 00:28:25,103 --> 00:28:26,204 IT'S ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. 492 00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:28,773 LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT A CLIP FROM "THE STAIRCASE." 493 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:34,179 THE FINALE AVAILABLE THIS THURSDAY ON HBO MAX. 494 00:28:34,245 --> 00:28:36,681 >> THANK YOU GUYS FOR CHECKING IN AND I HOPE TO BE BACK SOON 495 00:28:36,748 --> 00:28:39,484 WITH GOOD NEWS. 496 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:42,987 >> HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCH THAT? 497 00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:45,557 IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE OVER 100 EVERY POST. 498 00:28:45,623 --> 00:28:48,193 BUT IT'S ALL ABOUT CONSISTENCY AND QUANTITY. 499 00:28:48,259 --> 00:28:51,429 THAT'S HOW YOU BUILD IT. 500 00:28:51,496 --> 00:28:53,698 >> YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE THERE BECAUSE OF DAD IS THIS. 501 00:28:53,765 --> 00:28:58,436 >> YEAH, I MEAN, ABSOLUTELY, THERE ARE PEOPLE FANS OF DAD. 502 00:28:58,503 --> 00:29:03,608 THE DOC, TRUE CRIME FANS. 503 00:29:03,675 --> 00:29:08,246 EVEN PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE DAD ARE HAPPY TO SEE ME DOING WELL. 504 00:29:08,313 --> 00:29:10,381 >> WELL, YOU'RE DOING GREAT, MAN. 505 00:29:10,448 --> 00:29:12,450 >> James: STICK AROUND, MORE OF THESE TWO WHEN WE COME BACK! 506 00:29:23,962 --> 00:29:27,432 >> James: WE ARE HERE WITH TIG NOTARO AND PATRICK 507 00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:28,666 SCHWARZENEGGER. 508 00:29:28,733 --> 00:29:33,872 TIG, CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL THE SUCCESS OF YOUR PODCAST "DON'T 509 00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:35,073 ASK TIG" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 510 00:29:35,140 --> 00:29:36,207 I'M EXCITED TO COME ON. 511 00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:38,977 YOU COVER ALL SORTS OF TOPICS. 512 00:29:39,043 --> 00:29:42,013 PATRICK, IS THERE ANY ADVICE THAT YOU NEED FROM TIG? 513 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:42,714 SHE'S RIGHT HERE. 514 00:29:42,780 --> 00:29:44,149 ANYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW? 515 00:29:44,215 --> 00:29:46,351 >> YEAH, PROBABLY A LOT OF THINGS. 516 00:29:46,417 --> 00:29:49,287 >> MY OTHER PODCAST IS AN ADVICE PODCAST, SO -- 517 00:29:49,354 --> 00:29:50,255 >> GOT IT. 518 00:29:50,321 --> 00:29:52,657 I SHOULD BE ON THE DOCUMENTARY ONE. 519 00:29:52,724 --> 00:29:57,061 BUT, GOSH, WELL, I WAS JUST SAYING I WAS MOVING BACK WITH MY 520 00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:58,463 PARENTS AGAIN. 521 00:29:58,530 --> 00:30:00,965 WELL, MY DAD HAS THIS WEIRD THING, ACTUALLY. 522 00:30:01,032 --> 00:30:05,103 I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF ADVICE YOU GET. 523 00:30:05,170 --> 00:30:09,474 HE'S GOING THROUGH A THREE-FOURTHS LIFE CRISIS WHERE 524 00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:13,978 HE'S LIVING WITH THIS DWARF DONKEY AND A MINI PONY. 525 00:30:14,045 --> 00:30:16,247 >> James: YES, I'VE SEEN THE VIDEOS. 526 00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:19,817 >> HE'S GOT THIS MASSIVE HUSKY, THEN A LITTLE CHIHUAHUA DOG, AND 527 00:30:19,884 --> 00:30:23,721 THEY ALL COME AND EAT DINNER WITH HIM. 528 00:30:23,788 --> 00:30:26,291 IT'S LIKE DR. DOOLITTLE. 529 00:30:26,357 --> 00:30:27,525 IT'S REALLY WEIRD. 530 00:30:27,592 --> 00:30:30,895 IT'S JUST HIM AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE WITH THE DONKEY AND THE 531 00:30:30,962 --> 00:30:33,464 MINI HORSE AND THE BIG DOG AND THE LITTLE DOG. 532 00:30:33,531 --> 00:30:36,100 IS THAT NORMAL? 533 00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:39,571 >> DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW? 534 00:30:39,637 --> 00:30:41,005 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I FIGURED SO. 535 00:30:41,072 --> 00:30:44,842 SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT ADVICE I'M ASKING FOR. 536 00:30:44,909 --> 00:30:46,844 WHAT SHOULD I TELL HIM? 537 00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:48,780 >> I WOULD TELL YOU -- OKAY. 538 00:30:48,846 --> 00:30:50,448 -- HOW AWESOME. 539 00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:51,683 YEAH. 540 00:30:51,749 --> 00:30:56,154 I MEAN, LIKE, I WOULD LOVE TO GO TO MY PARENTS HOUSE AND FIND 541 00:30:56,221 --> 00:30:59,023 DONKEYS EATING AT THE TABLE. 542 00:30:59,090 --> 00:30:59,891 >> RIGHT. 543 00:30:59,958 --> 00:31:03,494 YEAH, I WOULD JUST SAY -- JUST MILK IT. 544 00:31:03,561 --> 00:31:07,332 MILK THE DONKEY? 545 00:31:07,398 --> 00:31:07,932 NO -- ( LAUGHTER ) 546 00:31:07,999 --> 00:31:08,766 >> -- THE SITUATION. 547 00:31:08,833 --> 00:31:11,135 THAT WAS GOOD. 548 00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:13,104 YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. 549 00:31:13,171 --> 00:31:14,472 IT SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL TO ME. 550 00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:21,346 SO I WOULD SAY, YEAH, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND ENJOY YOUR MEALS 551 00:31:21,412 --> 00:31:25,016 WITH FARM ANIMALS AROUND THE TABLE. 552 00:31:25,083 --> 00:31:26,251 >> THANK YOU. 553 00:31:26,317 --> 00:31:32,590 >> James: THERE YOU GO, VERY, VERY GOOD ADVICE. 554 00:31:32,657 --> 00:31:34,759 REGGIE'S NOT HERE, BUT HE SENT TIM A QUESTION, TIM? 555 00:31:34,826 --> 00:31:37,262 # STILL IS HAVING A STELLAR SHOW. 556 00:31:37,328 --> 00:31:42,133 TIM, WHAT IS THE QUESTION THAT REGGIE SENT FOR OUR GUESTS? 557 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:47,238 >> WELL, TONIGHT'S QUESTION GOES TO -- BOTH OUR GUESTS. 558 00:31:47,305 --> 00:31:48,306 >> OH. 559 00:31:48,373 --> 00:31:51,542 IF YOU WERE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO DESIGN YOUR OWN 560 00:31:51,609 --> 00:31:54,679 INSTITUTE WHAT KIND OF INSTITUTE WOULD YOU DESIGN AND INSTITUTE? 561 00:31:54,746 --> 00:31:57,448 >> James: LET'S START WITH YOU. 562 00:31:57,515 --> 00:31:58,082 >> WHAT KIND OF INSTITUTE. 563 00:31:58,149 --> 00:32:00,018 >> James: WOULD YOU DESIGN. 564 00:32:00,084 --> 00:32:00,918 AND INSTITUTE. 565 00:32:00,985 --> 00:32:03,454 THAT WAS NOT THE QUESTION I WAS EXPECTING. 566 00:32:03,521 --> 00:32:05,056 >> I WAS. 567 00:32:05,123 --> 00:32:07,925 I SAW THIS QUESTION COMING. 568 00:32:07,992 --> 00:32:19,871 ( LAUGHTER ) I WOULD PROBABLY, UM -- UH -- 569 00:32:19,937 --> 00:32:24,409 I'LL BE HONEST, I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING EITHER. 570 00:32:24,475 --> 00:32:27,045 ( LAUGHTER ) >> REALLY OUT OF LEFT FIELD. 571 00:32:27,111 --> 00:32:28,846 MAYBE AN INSTITUTE INSTITUTE. 572 00:32:28,913 --> 00:32:29,881 >> THAT'S A GOOD ONE. 573 00:32:29,947 --> 00:32:32,583 I FEEL LIKE THAT'S AN ANSWER FOR REGGIE, YOU KNOW. 574 00:32:32,650 --> 00:32:35,386 I FEEL IT'S A VERY REGGIE ANSWER. 575 00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:36,354 AN INSTITUTE INSTITUTE. 576 00:32:36,421 --> 00:32:39,324 >> James: YOU CONCUR WITH THAT? 577 00:32:39,390 --> 00:32:41,392 >> YEAH, I WILL HELP YOU WITH THAT INSTITUTE. 578 00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:42,427 >> THANK YOU. 579 00:32:42,493 --> 00:32:45,496 I'M TEXTING HIM RIGHT NOW TO SEE IF THAT'S CORRECT. 580 00:32:45,563 --> 00:32:47,131 >> GREAT QUESTION, REGGIE. 581 00:32:47,198 --> 00:32:49,934 IT'S CORRECT, I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW. 582 00:32:50,001 --> 00:32:50,702 >> THAT'S CORRECT. 583 00:32:50,768 --> 00:32:54,472 >> James: IT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! 584 00:32:54,539 --> 00:32:57,375 TIG NOTARO, PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER. 585 00:32:57,442 --> 00:32:59,444 DUSTIN NICKERSON IS HERE WHEN WE COME BACK! 586 00:33:11,989 --> 00:33:13,358 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: WELCOME BACK! 587 00:33:13,424 --> 00:33:17,929 OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT STANDUP COMEDIAN AND 588 00:33:17,995 --> 00:33:20,932 THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK, "HOW TO BE MARRIED TO MELISSA." 589 00:33:20,998 --> 00:33:22,133 WE'RE SO PROUD HE'S MAKING HIS LATE-NIGHT DEBUT HERE WITH US 590 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:23,134 TONIGHT. 591 00:33:23,201 --> 00:33:26,003 PLEASE WELCOME, THE HILARIOUS, DUSTIN NICKERSON. 592 00:33:26,070 --> 00:33:27,438 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU! 593 00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,172 HA HA! 594 00:33:28,239 --> 00:33:31,709 THANK YOU! 595 00:33:31,776 --> 00:33:33,544 AH, THAT WAS OVERWHELMING. 596 00:33:33,611 --> 00:33:41,953 THANK YOU. 597 00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:44,389 ( LAUGHTER ) YES, EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS 598 00:33:44,455 --> 00:33:45,623 DUSTIN. 599 00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:46,958 I AM A COMEDIAN, EVEN THOUGH I LOOK LIKE I WAS SENT HERE BY THE 600 00:33:47,024 --> 00:33:51,963 CITY TO SHUT THIS EVENT DOWN. 601 00:33:52,029 --> 00:33:54,665 ( LAUGHTER ) I'VE GOT STRONG NARC VIBES, I 602 00:33:54,732 --> 00:33:55,700 KNOW THAT. 603 00:33:55,767 --> 00:33:58,302 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME KIDS GROW UP, WANT TO BE 604 00:33:58,369 --> 00:33:59,437 BATMAN. 605 00:33:59,504 --> 00:34:02,507 I LOOK LIKE A KID WHO GREW UP WANTING TO BE COMMISSIONER 606 00:34:02,573 --> 00:34:03,040 GORDON. 607 00:34:03,107 --> 00:34:06,811 I UNDERSTAND ALL HERE. 608 00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:07,979 I'M MARRIED. 609 00:34:08,045 --> 00:34:11,716 THIS SUMMER ME AND MY WIFE ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE 18 YEARS. 610 00:34:11,783 --> 00:34:14,385 WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 18 YEARS. 611 00:34:14,452 --> 00:34:15,219 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FINE. 612 00:34:15,286 --> 00:34:16,320 SHE'S NOT HERE. 613 00:34:16,387 --> 00:34:17,555 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. 614 00:34:17,622 --> 00:34:19,991 WE'RE VERY HAPPY BUT WE'RE VERY JADED. 615 00:34:20,057 --> 00:34:24,295 I KNOW WE'RE JADED BECAUSE THE LAST WEDDING WE WENT TO, WE WERE 616 00:34:24,362 --> 00:34:25,863 GIGGLING DURING THE VOWS. 617 00:34:25,930 --> 00:34:28,332 LIKE, WE COULDN'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, RIGHT, BECAUSE THAT 618 00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:31,035 DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, YOU KNOW THAT IN YOUR HEARTS. 619 00:34:31,102 --> 00:34:32,570 LIKE THAT'S NOT A MARRIAGE. 620 00:34:32,637 --> 00:34:33,838 THAT'S A WEDDING. 621 00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,106 THOSE ARE DIFFERENT THINGS. 622 00:34:35,173 --> 00:34:39,343 A MARRIAGE IS THE NEXT DAY WHEN THEY GET TO THE AIRPORT AND SHE 623 00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:40,978 GOES, I FORGET MY PASSPORT. 624 00:34:41,045 --> 00:34:42,213 NOW YOU'RE MARRIED. 625 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,081 THAT'S THE MARRIAGE RIGHT THERE. 626 00:34:44,148 --> 00:34:47,118 TODAY, TILL DEATH DO US PART. 627 00:34:47,185 --> 00:34:48,786 TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO MEXICO ALONE. 628 00:34:48,853 --> 00:34:49,854 YOU HAD ONE JOB. 629 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:51,022 ONE JOB. 630 00:34:51,088 --> 00:34:53,691 THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT BEING IN THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU GET 631 00:34:53,758 --> 00:34:55,259 VERY LEELTSIC ABOUT IT. 632 00:34:55,326 --> 00:34:59,497 WHEN PEOPLE ASK ADVICE, WE GO, LISTEN, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO 633 00:34:59,564 --> 00:35:04,368 KNOW WHO TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IS, IGNORE EVERYTHING 634 00:35:04,435 --> 00:35:05,169 POSITIVE ABOUT THEM. 635 00:35:05,236 --> 00:35:06,204 THAT DOESN'T HELP YOU. 636 00:35:06,270 --> 00:35:08,840 WE ALL LIKE THE POSITIVE. 637 00:35:08,906 --> 00:35:11,776 LOOK AT THE ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT THEM, THE THING THAT 638 00:35:11,843 --> 00:35:16,147 DRIVES EVERYBODY IN LIFE CRAZY, IF YOU CAN STAND THAT THING, 639 00:35:16,214 --> 00:35:18,549 THAT'S YOUR SOUL MATE. 640 00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:20,852 ( APPLAUSE ) FOR EXAMPLE -- IF YOU'RE IN A 641 00:35:20,918 --> 00:35:29,060 RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY AND THEY SAY, EXPRESS-O, AND YOU 642 00:35:29,126 --> 00:35:32,964 DON'T WANT TO MURDER THEM, THEN MARRY THEM RIGHT THEN AND THERE. 643 00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:33,998 I DO. 644 00:35:34,065 --> 00:35:35,233 THERE'S NO X IN THAT WORD. 645 00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:38,536 YOU ARE UNCULTURED AND ILLITERATE IS WHAT YOU ARE. 646 00:35:38,603 --> 00:35:42,840 THAT'S HOW I KNOW ME AND MY WIFE ARE FOR EACH OTHER. 647 00:35:42,907 --> 00:35:45,243 WE CAN STAND THESE THINGS. 648 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:48,379 MY WIFE CAN'T SAY SALSA CORRECTLY. 649 00:35:48,446 --> 00:35:50,882 SHE SAYS SALZA. 650 00:35:50,948 --> 00:35:54,318 MAY I HAVE CHIPS AND SALZA. 651 00:35:54,385 --> 00:35:56,420 YOU FEEL THE TENSION THERE? 652 00:35:56,487 --> 00:35:59,757 I SAID IT TWICE, YOU HATE HER, ALREADY. 653 00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:05,029 THAT SHOULD BE THE STUFF ON THE DATING APP, NOT I LIKE TO KAYAK, 654 00:36:05,096 --> 00:36:07,164 IT'S I GRIND MY TEETH AT NIGHT. 655 00:36:07,231 --> 00:36:11,035 OH, YOU HAVE A SLEEP APNEA MACHINE? 656 00:36:11,102 --> 00:36:11,903 PERFECT. 657 00:36:11,969 --> 00:36:13,070 I LIKE THE REALISM THAT COMES WITH THAT. 658 00:36:13,137 --> 00:36:14,305 YOU KNOW EACH OTHER. 659 00:36:14,372 --> 00:36:17,575 THE OTHER THING IS YOU NEED TO FIND THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN 660 00:36:17,642 --> 00:36:20,144 COMMON AND NOT THE THINGS YOU LOVE TOGETHER, THE THINGS YOU 661 00:36:20,211 --> 00:36:21,312 HATE TOGETHER. 662 00:36:21,379 --> 00:36:23,314 HATE IS SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN LOVE. 663 00:36:23,381 --> 00:36:25,283 AND IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE. 664 00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,886 LET YOUR RELATIONSHIP GROW THROUGH BITTERNESS AND SPITE. 665 00:36:28,953 --> 00:36:32,456 MY WIFE AND I HAVE A COUPLE FRIEND THAT WE KEEP IN OUR LIFE 666 00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:35,259 JUST BECAUSE EVERYTHING THEY DO WE HATE. 667 00:36:35,326 --> 00:36:39,330 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THEIR ROLE, THEY DO 668 00:36:39,397 --> 00:36:43,367 SOMETHING ANNOYING, AND WE GET TOGETHER AND TALK CRAP ABOUT 669 00:36:43,434 --> 00:36:48,339 THEM, AND THEN OUR LOVE BLOSSOMS. 670 00:36:48,406 --> 00:36:54,879 ( APPLAUSE ) FOR US, IT'S A YOUNG AND 671 00:36:54,946 --> 00:36:58,449 ANNOYING COUPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO SHOW OFF AND IMPRESS. 672 00:36:58,516 --> 00:37:02,453 DUSTIN AND MELISSA, WE STILL FALL ASLEEP TOGETHER CUDDLING. 673 00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:04,121 I'M NOT IMPRESSED BY THAT. 674 00:37:04,188 --> 00:37:06,824 DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU CUDDLE EARLY ON? 675 00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,293 YOU'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GOING TO LEAVE. 676 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,562 YOU'RE NOT CUD LING, YOU'RE HOLDING ON. 677 00:37:11,629 --> 00:37:12,964 THAT'S A HOSTAGE SITUATION. 678 00:37:13,030 --> 00:37:17,368 YOU KNOW WHAT A HAPPY, CONTENT COUPLE LOOKS LIKE IN BED? 679 00:37:17,435 --> 00:37:19,070 COULD YOU BE FURTHER AWAY? 680 00:37:19,136 --> 00:37:22,740 I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU'RE HERE, FURTHER AWAY. 681 00:37:22,807 --> 00:37:27,445 YOU'VE TAKEN ENOUGH OF MY DAYTIME DREAMS, COULD I HAVE 682 00:37:27,511 --> 00:37:28,679 THESE ONES, PLEASE? 683 00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:35,386 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 684 00:37:35,453 --> 00:37:39,123 SAME WITH PARENTING. 685 00:37:39,190 --> 00:37:41,626 YOU GET VERY REALISTIC ABOUT IT. 686 00:37:41,692 --> 00:37:44,528 THE HARDEST PART, I HAVE A REAL MEAN ONE. 687 00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:45,229 OH, MY GOSH. 688 00:37:45,296 --> 00:37:46,564 SHE IS SO MEAN. 689 00:37:46,631 --> 00:37:51,068 I'VE NEVER HIT MY DAUGHTER BUT I HAVE THROWN A HAWAIIAN SWEET 690 00:37:51,135 --> 00:37:51,636 ROLL AT HER. 691 00:37:51,702 --> 00:37:52,837 I HAVE. 692 00:37:52,903 --> 00:38:03,981 SHE'S THAT LEVEL OF MEAN IF ONE OF THE PARENTS IS YELLING AT 693 00:38:04,048 --> 00:38:06,317 HER, SHE DOESN'T WANT HER TO STOP. 694 00:38:06,384 --> 00:38:08,185 MY WIFE IS MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART. 695 00:38:08,252 --> 00:38:11,355 THE THINGS SHE'LL SAY TO MY WIFE, I'LL SIT THERE WITH MY 696 00:38:11,422 --> 00:38:13,357 MOUTH OPEN LIKE OH, MY GOSH! 697 00:38:13,424 --> 00:38:18,396 I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK TO HER LIKE THAT. 698 00:38:18,462 --> 00:38:20,931 ( APPLAUSE ) NO, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, BUT 699 00:38:20,998 --> 00:38:22,099 FINISH YOUR THOUGHTS. 700 00:38:22,166 --> 00:38:24,602 FINISH YOUR THOUGHTS. 701 00:38:24,669 --> 00:38:25,836 DUSTIN NICKERSON. 702 00:38:25,903 --> 00:38:26,871 YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. 703 00:38:26,937 --> 00:38:29,340 THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY! 704 00:38:29,407 --> 00:38:31,876 >> James: DUSTIN NICKERSON EVERYBODY! 705 00:38:31,942 --> 00:38:33,277 THAT WAS FANTASTIC! 706 00:38:33,344 --> 00:38:38,549 YOUR NEW BOOK, HOW TO BE MARRIED TO MISSA IS ON SALE RIGHT NOW. 707 00:38:38,616 --> 00:38:39,984 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY! 708 00:38:40,051 --> 00:38:41,085 THAT WAS FANTASTIC. 709 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:41,652 >> THANK YOU! 710 00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:54,098 >> James: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING! 711 00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:55,332 TOMORROW NIGHT: ANNETTE BENING, EWAN MCGREGOR, AND MUSIC FROM 712 00:38:55,399 --> 00:38:57,168 THE CHAINSMOKERS. 713 00:38:57,234 --> 00:39:00,771 AND THE CAST FROM "THIS IS US" ARE GOING TO TEACH US HOW TO SAY 714 00:39:00,838 --> 00:39:01,806 NO TO DRUGS. 715 00:39:01,872 --> 00:39:03,441 DON'T MISS IT. 716 00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:04,008 BAND, TAKE US HOME!