♪ ARE YOU READY, Y'ALL TO HAVE SOME FUN
♪ AND FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT DON'T YOU WORRY WHERE IT IS
♪ YOU COME FROM IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT
♪ IT'S THE "LATE, LATE SHOW" ♪ >> Reggie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ALL THE WAY FROM
>> Announcer: ALL THE WAY FROM RIGHT EXACTLY WHERE HE'S AT,
IT'S JAMES CORDEN!
COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: I APPRECIATE IT!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
CHEERS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD EVENING!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW"!
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.
WAS THAT LONGER THAN NORMAL?
IT ONLY FELT LONGER?
WAS IT THE SAME LENGTH.
>> YEAH.
>> James: NO, IT WASN'T.
NO, I FELT LIKE I WAS OUT HERE FOR A SUMMER BREAK, JUST
THANKING PEOPLE.
THEY'RE, LIKE, BRO, YEAH, WE GET IT.
>> WE REALLY TRIED TO REMEMBER THE THEME SONG.
WE WERE ALMOST THERE.
>> IT'S ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES WE PLAYED IT.
>> James: SO 1,084.
GLAD WE'RE FINALLY NAILING IT.
LET'S SEE WHO THE GUESTS ARE TONIGHT!
TIG NOTARO IS HERE TONIGHT.
>> HI, JAMES.
>> James: HOW'S IT GOING?
WELL.
>> James: GOOD.
UST HAVING SOME TEA AND WAITING TO GO ON YOUR TV SHOW.
>> James: YOU'RE ON IT RIGHT NOW.
>> OH, MY GOSH!
>> James: THIS IS IT.
THIS IS MY BIG BREAK, THANK YOU.
>> James: IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
TIG NOTARO, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND A BRILLIANT ACTOR, SO GOOD
IN THE HBO SERIES "THE STAIRCASE," THE DASHING PATRICK
SCHWARZENEGGER IS HERE TONIGHT.
HEY, PATRICK, HOW ARE YOU?
>> GREAT.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> James: VERY WELL.
OH, I LIKE THIS.
>> MY OUTFIT?
>> James: LEATHER SPORTS COAT WITH A SHIRT AND TIE.
I LIKE IT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> James: I DON'T THINK I COULD EVER PULL IT OFF.
>> YOU COULD.
>> James: YOU, HOWEVER, LOOK LIKE YOU COULD BE EITHER BOND OR
BOND VILLAIN.
>> I'LL TAKE IT.
>> James: WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER?
>> I THINK BOND VILLAIN.
WHY NOT?
>> James: ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> AND WE ARE THRILLED HE'S
CHOSEN US TO MAKE HIS DEBUT TONIGHT, DUSTIN NICKERSON IS
HERE TONIGHT!
>> HELLO!
I'M SORRY I'M SO MUCH LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN PATRICK.
I'M SO SORRY.
>> James: I DISAGREE.
I THINK YOU COULD BE BOND VILLAIN.
>> OH, YEAH?
NOT JUST LIKE THE NERDY SIDEKICK OR --
>> James: ACTUALLY, I SEE THIS HAPPENING FOR YOU.
I WISH THIS ON YOU, DUSTIN.
>> THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
>> James: WE HAVE A BOND VILLAIN, THE U.S. CANNEN, AND WE
JUST NEED A BOND NOW.
THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE, PETE ON CAMERA TWO!
THAT'S THE BOND WE ALL WANT.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
TUNS DUNST, EVERYBODY!
HAGAR, READY?
I'M JAMES CORDEN AND THIS IS Captioning sponsored by CBS
♪ THE LATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH THE LATE LATE SHOW, WOO!
♪ THE LATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH THE LATE LATE SHOW OH-OH!
♪ IT'S THE LATE, LATE SHOW ♪ >> James: THERE IT IS.
AS YOU CAN SEE, REGGIE ISN'T HERE TODAY.
HE REQUESTED THAT I TELL YOU AL -- AND THIS IS TRUE, A TRUE
MESSAGE FROM REGGIE WATTS -- HE'S GOT COVID-23.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A NEW STRAIN.
HE HAS ALWAYS AHEAD OF THE CURVE, ISN'T HE?
HE'S GOT THE COOLEST STRAIN OF COVID BUT HE'S FEELING GOOD,
RIGHT, ROB?
>> YEAH, SO FAR, ASYMPTOMATIC.
>> James: NO SYMPTOMS.
SO HE'S SITTING AT HOME PLAYING Xbox, AND WHO KNEW THAT
WITHOUT HIM HERE, EVEN THE VERY START OF THE SHOW WOULD BE
THAT -- WOULD BE THAT ( BLEEP ) UP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I MEAN, I KNEW.
>> James: REALLY, YOU KNEW?
YEAH, I HAD A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS BUT I SAID I WOULD DO
IT ANYWAY.
>> James: WHY DID YOU HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT IT?
>> I DON'T KNOW, JUST IN MY GUT, I HAD A FEELING THAT THIS WAS
GOING TO SUCK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: BUT YOU DIDN'T
THINK, I THINK THIS IS GOING TO SUCK, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE SURE
IT DOESN'T.
>> NO, IT'S LIKE A TRAIN COMING, CAN'T GET OFF THE TRACKS.
>> James: NO WAY THE BAND THOUGHT --
>> THERE'S NOTHING WE COULD DO.
>> James: THERE'S EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO.
I THINK YOU INTRODUCED ME TOO EARLY.
>> I DID.
I DID.
>> James: SO THAT'S WHY IT FELTED LONGER.
>> DO YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME PARSING THIS OUT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER HERE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER'S SON.
PRETTY DAMN COOL.
>> YOU COULD BE A FULL GROWN ADULT AND HE COULD SCOOP YOU UP.
>> James: YES.
MY DAD HASN'T SCOOPED ME UP IN YEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLLOWED HIS CAREER PATH TO
BECOME AN ACTOR.
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT, IAN.
>> AND BECOMING A DIVORCE ATTORNEY?
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
I DON'T THINK I WOULD BE A GOOD LAWYER AT ALL.
>> James: WHY?
I'M A REALLY PEOPLE PLEASER.
SO WHATEVER THE OTHER LAWYER WANTED, I WOULD BE, LIKE, YEAH,
YEAH, COOL.
WE'LL BE FINE.
YEAH.
WHEREAS IVAN, PIT BULL.
>> James: HE'D REPRESENT A PIT BULL?
>> HE'D REPRESENT A PIT BULL.
>> James: HE REPRESENTED MR. WORLDWIDE.
>> YEAH.
>> James: HAS PIT BULL BEEN THROUGH A DIVORCE?
>> COME ON -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: THAT IS THE FUNNIEST REACTION TO THAT?
HAS PIT BULL BEEN THROUGH A DIVORCE, YOU GOOGLING IT?
>> I DON'T THINK HE WAS EVER MARRIED.
>> James: MR. WORLDWIDE NEVER MARRIED.
>> BUT A FATHER, SIX CHILDREN.
>> James: THAT'S WHERE HE GOT THE NAME MR. WORLDWIDE.
>> I'LL MARRY HIM IF HE'S LOOKING.
>> James: YOU WOULD MARRY PITBULL?
>> OH, GOD, YES.
>> James: STOP.
I NEED A PLAN B ONCE THE SHOW ENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> James: I GET IT!
I GET IT.
>> YEAH.
>> James: I HEAR IT.
I'VE GOT TO MARRY PITBULL.
>> James: MR. WORLDWIDE, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, LAUREN
GREENBERG, INSTAGRAM, TWITTER -- ( APPLAUSE )
WE COULD GO ON LIKE THIS FOREVER, WE REALLY COULD, BUT WE
WOULD NEVER DENY THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA WHAT THEY WANT AND
DESERVE, IT IS TIME FOR THE NEWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WE HAVE SOME EXCITING LOCAL
NEWS TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
PRESIDENT BIDEN ARRIVES HERE IN OS ANGELES TOMORROW AFTERNOON -
FOR HIS FIRST MAJOR VISIT TO THE CITY SINCE TAKING OFFICE.
BIDEN'S TRIP TO LOS ANGELES IS PART OF OPERATION: WAIT, GAS
COSTS HOW MUCH?
# ( LAUGHTER )
POLITICIANS ALWAYS TEND TO PANDER TO THEIR LOCAL AUDIENCES
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY JOE BIDEN PLANS TO SHOW UP IN LOS ANGELES
LOOKING LIKE THIS.
IF YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF TAKING BIDEN ON A TOUR OF L.A., WHAT
WOULD YOU DO?
IF THEY SAID, IAN, THE PRESIDENT'S GOT TWO HOURS TO
KILL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
>> I'D PROBABLY WALK HIM UP AND DOWN HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, TRY TO
TIRE HIM OUT SO I COULD GET HIM IN FOR A NAP AROUND 4:00.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: APPARENTLY, I HEARD
A RUMOR HE'S DOING A FUNDRAISING THING AT A HOUSE AT THE VERY TOP
OF MY ROAD, WHICH IS A ( BLEEP) NIGHTMARE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE BAD ON EVERY LEVEL.
>> YEAH.
>> James: A, A SNUB.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHO'S HOUSE IT IS,
BUT THEY NEVER THOUGHT, OH, YOU KNOW WHO LIVES DOWN THE ROAD --
HE COULD COME IN, NOTHING, ZERO, AND THE TRAFFIC IS GOING TO
ABSOLUTE CARNAGE.
>> YEAH, THERE'S GOING TO BE A DUDE IN A WINDBREAKER MAKING
SURE YOU LIVY WHERE YOU SAY YOU LIVE.
>> James: HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT JAZZ.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO MY SHUTTLE SPRINTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH.
>> James: WHY IS THAT?
WHY IS THAT FUNNY?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU HEAD TO BRENT WOOD BETWEEN
6:00 TO 9:00, YOU WILL FIND ME DOING TEN BACK TO BACK SHUFFLE
SPRINTS, TWO LEFT, TWO RIGHT, EIGHT STRAIGHT, WHICH MAKES 12,
I KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, EARLIER TODAY,
EUROPEAN UNION LAWMAKERS REACHED AN AGREEMENT THAT WILL FORCE ALL
SMARTPHONES TO HAVE A USB-C PORT FOR CHARGING- WHICH COULD HAVE A
HUGE IMPACT ON APPLE, SINCE IPHONES USE A DIFFERENT KIND OF
CONNECTOR.
HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, APPLE?
SMARTPHONES IN EUROPE WILL HAVE TO HAVE A UNIVERSAL CHARGING
PORT.
APPLE WAS LIKE, OKAY, FINE, BUT CAN THE CHARGING CORDS STILL
BREAK EVERY FOUR MONTHS?
( LAUGHTER ) CAN WE DO THAT?
DO YOU THINK APPLE IS PREPARED TO FIGHT THIS NEW LAW?
THEY SAID, ACTUALLY, WHUNL CLICKED YOUR iTUNES AGREEMENT
IN 2007, YOU AGREED WE WOULD BE SELLING YOU USELESS PIECES OF
PLASTIC FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!
( APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
THE FIRST OF TACO BELL'S NEW HIGH-TECH, DRIVE-THRU-FOCUSED
LOCATIONS OPENED TODAY, IN MINNESOTA.
THE RESTAURANT IS TWO-STORIES TALL AND FOOD IS LOWERED DOWN TO
YOUR CAR IN TINY ELEVATORS, IT'S A TACO BELL ENTIRELY FOCUSED ON
THE DRIVE-THRU EXPERIENCE.
AS OPPOSED TO OTHER TACO BELL LOCATIONS - WHERE IT'S ALL ABOUT
THE AMBIANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE KITCHEN PART OF THE
RESTAURANT HAS NO WINDOWS.
IT FEELS WEIRD THAT TACO BELL IS LIKE WE REALLY WANT TO MAKE SURE
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SEE HOW THIS FOOD IS MADE.
( LAUGHTER ) I WILL SAY THIS WHOLE TACO BELL
THING, THE IDEA, ACTUALLY HERE AT THIS SHOW, WE TAKE ISSUE WITH
THE IDEA OF GETTING FOOD INTO PEOPLE'S CARS FASTER.
LIKE, BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY DID THIS YEARS AGO.
>> I KNEW YOU WOULD DO THAT!
( SHOUTING ) >> James: AND THAT'S THE NEWS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY!
>> JAMES: WELCOME BACK.
YESTERDAY, APPLE HELD THEIR ANNUAL DEVELOPER'S CONFERENCE
WHERE THEY ANNOUNCED MANY NEW PRODUCTS AND FEATURES INCLUDING
A TOTALLY NEW OPERATING SYSTEM FOR THEIR POPULAR APPLE WATCH.
BECAUSE APPLE KNOWS WHAT A LITTLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT ON THE
THEY SENT US THE ADVANCED COPY, THE BRAND-NEW WATCH.
IT'S GOT TOPS OF NEW FEATURES.
THERE'S A RUMOR IT'S ALSO A WATCH.
( LAUGHTER ) IT HAS A MODE CALLED CHICKEN
PICKIN' MODE.
LIKE WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING A GUITAR AND YOU CAN STIMULATE
PLAYING GOOD OLD COUNTRY LICKS ON A GUITAR, YOU NEVER HAVE TO
LEARN TO PLAY THE GUITAR IF YOU WANT TO DO CHICKEN PICKIN'.
YOU JUST -- ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S WEIRD.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A BIT LOUDER.
>> YOU HAVE TO HIT THE VOLUME ON THE SIDE.
>> James: PUT THE VOLUME UP?
YEP.
♪♪ >> James: YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.
THEY SAY IT'S CHICKEN PICKIN' MODE.
IT FEELS JUST LIKE AN ELECTRIC GUITAR.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE WATCH SAID, NO, I CAN DO THAT.
BUT CAN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TRY IT ONE MORE TIME.
YOU KNOW, THE GOOD OLD COUNTRY CHICKIN' PICKIN' MODE.
♪♪ YEAH, THERE IT IS!
THERE IT IS!
( APPLAUSE ) APPLE ALSO WANTS US TO FEEL THE
CALMING EFFECTS OF SMOOTH JAZZ AND THEY ADDED THE KENNY G MODE.
YOU'RE IN A BATH, LIT A SCENTED CANDLE AND YOU WANT TO THROW IN
A LITTLE KENNY G AND YOU JUST -- ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> James: YEAH.
PRETTY AMAZING.
AND THIS IS A GOOD ONE.
YOU KNOW, YOU EVER AT HOME OR SOMEWHERE AND YOU THINK, I WISH
I WAS A FLY.
YOU EVER HAVE THAT?
YOU EVER HAVE THAT, I WISH THERE WAS A FLY AROUND, I WISH I COULD
JUST -- KILL HIM.
THEY'VE GOT THIS ONE, FLYSWATTER MODE.
HANG ON.
I'VE GOT TO GO -- TO F.
( LAUGHTER )
OH, GOT IT PAST IT.
OH, I CAN GO BACK.
THAT'S FINE.
GOT IT.
( FLY BUZZING SOUNDS ) >> James: WAIT.
IT HASN'T -- ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE I SAY, THIS IS VERY MUCH A PROTOTYPE.
SO YOU'VE GOT THE FLYSWATTER MODE SOMEWHERE AND YOU JUST --
( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING SOUND )
( FLY BUZZING ) >> James: IT'S GONE.
IT'S DEAD.
( BUZZING STOPPED ) THAT FLY IS DEAD.
>> IT DIDN'T SOUND DEAD.
SOUNDED LIKE YOU MISSED IT.
>> James: OH, YOU THINK IT'S A MISS?
>> I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED IT
( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING )
THAT'S DEAD.
( APPLAUSE ) TRY IT AGAIN
( FLY BUZZING ) ( SWATTING SOUNDS )
( NO SOUNDS ) >> James: GONE.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THANKS TO APPLE, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE FALL TO CELEBRATE GERMANY'S LARGEST BEER
FESTIVAL OKTOBERFEST BECAUSE THEY'VE ADDED THIS, THEY'VE
ADDED OKTOBERFEST MODE.
YOU GO TO OKTOBERFEST, AND YOU CLICK ON IT AND YOU CAN JUST --
( POLKA MUSIC ) NOW, WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT THIS
IS THE FASTER YOU OOMPAH-PAH, THE FASTER IT GOES.
IT'S QUITE INCREDIBLE BECAUSE YOU CAN JUST --
( POLKA MUSIC, SPEEDING UP ) >> James: IT'S REALLY AMAZING
HOW IT STOPS AS SOON AS YOU -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY'VE ALSO ADDED SWITCH MODE WHICH MEANS YOU CAN SEAMLESSLY
SWITCH THROUGH ALL OF THE NEW MODES WHENEVER YOU WANT TO.
SO YOU CAN BE LIKE -- ( KENNY G PLAYING )
( POLKA) ( KENNY G )
( POLKA ) ( FLY BUZZING )
( SWATTING SOUNDS ) ( FLY BUZZING )
( CHICKIN' PICKIN' ) ( KENNY G )
( POLKA ) ( FLY BUZZING )
( SWATTING SOUNDS ) ( FLY BUZZING )
( SILENCE ) ( FLY BUZZING )
( KENNY DPKS ) G )
( FLY BUZZING ) ( KENNY G AND FLY BUZZING AT THE
SAME TIME ) ( LAUGHTER )
( SWATTING ) >> James: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>> James: WELCOME BACK!
LET'S MEET OUR GUESTS TONIGHT SHE HOSTS THE PODCAST "DON'T ASK
TIG," TIG NOTARO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
HE STARS IN "THE STAIRCASE," PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY.
>> THEY'RE REALLY TIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: NOW, SO HAPPY YOU'RE
HERE.
PATRICK, YOUR MOM, MARIA SHRIVER, SHE LIVES AT THE TOP OF
MY ROAD.
>> YEAH.
>> James: YOU MOVED IN WITH HER DURING COVID.
>> I DID.
>> James: WE WERE VERY CLOSE.
YOU NEVER KNOCKED ON THE DOOR.
WHY WAS THAT?
>> WELL, I NEVER KNEW YOU WERE A NEIGHBOR.
FUNNY STORY, WE'VE NEVER FORMALLY MET.
>> James: NO.
ONE DAY WE WERE NEIGHBORS, I WAS ON A DRIVE WITH MY
GIRLFRIEND.
WE WERE DRIVING BACK HOME, I'M PULLING UP TO THE STOP SIGN.
I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.
I SEE WHAT SEEMS TO BE A GROWN MAN ON A CORNER AT A STOP SIGN
WITH A LITTLE TEN BY TEN TABLE.
I WAS, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING?
MY GIRLFRIEND SAID, I HAVE NO IDEA.
WE PULL UP, AND I SAID, HE HAS A LEMONADE STAND.
AND SHE'S, LIKE, WHERE ARE HIS KIDS.
I'M, LIKE, WAIT, IS THAT JAMES CORDEN SLINGING $5 CUP LEMONADE
ON OUR STREET?
>> $5 A CUP?
YEAH.
I'M NOT SURE IF YOU WERE RAISING MONEY?
>> WE WERE.
MY CHILDREN WANTED TO DO IT.
THEY MADE THE LEMONADE, AND WE HAD A MOMENT WHERE ME DAUGHTER,
FIVE OR SIX AT A TIME, AND THE GENTLEMAN CAME UP, HAD BOUGHT A
CUP OF LEMONADE, AND DIDN'T WAIT FOR HIM TO HOLD THE CAR.
SHE JUST WENT, THERE YOU GO, AND DROPPED AN ENTIRE CUP OF
LEMONADE ALL OVER THIS GUY'S SEATED AND HE HAD, LIKE, CLOTHES
ON IT AND THEN SHE RAN INSIDE AND I WAS GOING I'M SO SORRY,
LET ME CLEAR IT UP.
HE SAID, IT'S FINE.
I SAID, NO, LET ME GET PAPER TOWELS FOR YOU.
I RAN INSIDE AND GOT PAPER TOWELS.
I OPENED THE DOOR AND I WAS DRYING THE THING AND HE WENT
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, WAIT, YOU?
>> SO I MUST HAVE CAUGHT YOU RIGHT THEN.
>> James: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AROUND THAT TIME FOR SURE.
>> WHERE WAS I?
>> James: HAVE YOU RUN A LEMONADE STAND WITH YOUR KIDS?
>> NO -- UM -- NO.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MY WIFE DID JUST BUY THEM A
LEMONADE STAND, YOU KNOW, ONE THAT YOU ASSEMBLE, AND THEY
DIDN'T ASK FOR IT, BUT THEY'RE GETTING ONE.
THEIR BIRTHDAY IS IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
>> James: WHAT AGE ARE THEY GOING TO BE?
>> SIX.
>> James: SO THEY'RE AT THAT AGE WHERE THEY SAID SIX IS A
GREAT ALIEN SO THEY START DRESSING THEMSELVES, HAVING A
BIT MORE SAY.
DO THEY HAVE I HAVE IN STYLE?
ARE YOU SEEING ANY STYLE IN THE KIDS?
>> THEY'RE DEFINITELY DRESSING THEMSELVES.
YEAH, THEY HAVE CLOTHES ON WHEN THEY LEAVE.
SO I GUESS THAT'S A STYLE.
THEY'RE VERY INTO SPORTS, SO IT'S MAINLY, YOU KNOW, DODGERS
OUTFITS AND BUFFALO BILLS, AND THEN, YOU KNOW, SEERSUCKER
SUITS.
>> James: YES.
WE LOVE THE SEERSUCKER SUITS.
>> WITH GRASS STAINS ON THE KNEE.
THEY PLAY IN SEERSUCKER SUITS.
>> James: MY SON IS IN A STAGE E WHERE HE ONLY WORE SUITS THE
WHOLE SUMMER.
NOW HE IS OBSESSED WITH OVERSIZE CLOTHING.
IT'S LIKE HE'S WEARING MY CLOTHES ALL DAY.
HOODINGS.
AND HE'S, LIKE, SHUT UP, DAD.
IT'S COOL.
IT'S AWFUL.
PATRICK, TODAY IS PRIMARY ELECTION DAY HERE IN CALIFORNIA.
YOU WERE TEN YEARS OLD WHEN YOUR FATHER BECAME GOVERNOR OF
CALIFORNIA.
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THAT MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE AN INCREDIBLE
CULTURE SHOCK FOR YOU.
>> YEAH, IT WAS.
IT WAS.
I'M GOING TO BE HONEST, IT WASN'T THE MOST FUN THING.
WE WENT FROM BEING, LIKE, KIDS HAVING THE BEST TIME.
MY DAD USED TO PICK ME UP EARLY FROM SCHOOL, CHECK ME IN THE
BACK OF HIS HUMMER.
FOR A KID, THAT WAS A DREAM, GOING TO UNIVERSALS WHEN
EVERYTHING WAS FILMING, GETTING TO GO TO E.T. AND KING KONG
DURING BREAKS.
THE NEXT YEAR, IT WAS GOING TO SACRAMENTO TO THE CAPITOL WITH A
BUNCH OF 60-YEAR-OLDS AND 70-YEAR-OLDS IN SUITS.
AND HE'S, LIKE, WHO WANTS TO COME WITH DAD TO WORK?
WE'RE ALL, LIKE, NO, WE'RE GOING TO TURN THAT DOWN.
BUT IT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE, BUT THE MOVIE BUSINESS WAS MORE
FUN.
>> James: YEAH, I'M SURE WAY MORE.
YOU'RE WRAPPING UP A YEAR-LONG NATIONWIDE TOUR NOW, IT'S BEEN A
HUGE SMASH.
DO YOU EVER HAVE OFF NIGHTS?
DO YOU EVER HAVE CROWDS WHERE YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT?
>> NOT ONCE.
>> James: NO, NOT EVER?
I ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> James: BUT I DID.
I DID BELIEVE YOU.
I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU EVER -- >> NO, ACTUALLY, I THINK I'VE
DONE MAYBE 60 DATES -- I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
IT STARTED IN THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR AND I HAD THIS ONE SHOW
WHERE IT WAS, LIKE, 3,500 PEOPLE JUST WERE LIKE, EH.
EH, YOU KNOW.
AND I WAS JUST, LIKE, OKAY, WHAT CAN I DO TO GET THAT -- YOU
KNOW, IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES IN COMEDY, YOU KNOW.
>> James: SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
DO YOU EVER REFERENCE IT?
>> I JUST TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN.
>> James: THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.
>> YOU KNOW, YOU TRY AND BECOME PRESENT IN THE MOMENT AND TRY
AND FIGURE OUT, IS IT ME?
IS SOMETHING GOING ON IN THE WORLD?
YOU JUST HAVE TO KIND OF TAKE -- YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR FAULT, IT'S
YOUR SHOW.
>> James: YEAH.
THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY AND I MESSED UP, AND I'M SORE WHATEVER
CITY THAT WAS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT THE
OTHER 59 SHOWS, OKAY.
>> James: SMASHES, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
>> YEAH.
>> James: PATRICK, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR INCREDIBLE SHOW "THE
STAIRCASE."
THE MOST INCREDIBLE REVIEWS.
TELL US WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND WHO YOU PLAY.
>> IT'S BASED ON THIS AMAZING DOCUMENTARY, TRUE STORY, ABOUT A
FAMILY LIVING IN DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA.
MICHAEL PETERSON FINDS HIS WIFE DEAD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE
STAIRS, AND THIS WHOLE KIND OF TRUE CRIME CRAZY STORY UNFOLDS,
AND THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
THAT'S PROBABLY NOT THE BEST WAY TO TALK ABOUT THE SHOW BUT THERE
ARE SO MANY TWISTS AND TURNS IT MAKES IT EXTREMELY INTERESTING
AND FRUSTRATING AND HARD TO DECIDE WHAT HAPPENED.
>> James: IT'S AN UNBELIEVABLE CAST.
YOUR PERFORMANCE IS GETTING RIGHTFULLY ALL OF THE PRAISE
THAT IT DESERVES.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT A CLIP FROM "THE STAIRCASE."
THE FINALE AVAILABLE THIS THURSDAY ON HBO MAX.
>> THANK YOU GUYS FOR CHECKING IN AND I HOPE TO BE BACK SOON
WITH GOOD NEWS.
>> HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCH THAT?
IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE OVER 100 EVERY POST.
BUT IT'S ALL ABOUT CONSISTENCY AND QUANTITY.
THAT'S HOW YOU BUILD IT.
>> YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE THERE BECAUSE OF DAD IS THIS.
>> YEAH, I MEAN, ABSOLUTELY, THERE ARE PEOPLE FANS OF DAD.
THE DOC, TRUE CRIME FANS.
EVEN PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE DAD ARE HAPPY TO SEE ME DOING WELL.
>> WELL, YOU'RE DOING GREAT, MAN.
>> James: STICK AROUND, MORE OF THESE TWO WHEN WE COME BACK!
>> James: WE ARE HERE WITH TIG NOTARO AND PATRICK
SCHWARZENEGGER.
TIG, CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL THE SUCCESS OF YOUR PODCAST "DON'T
ASK TIG" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M EXCITED TO COME ON.
YOU COVER ALL SORTS OF TOPICS.
PATRICK, IS THERE ANY ADVICE THAT YOU NEED FROM TIG?
SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
ANYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW?
>> YEAH, PROBABLY A LOT OF THINGS.
>> MY OTHER PODCAST IS AN ADVICE PODCAST, SO --
>> GOT IT.
I SHOULD BE ON THE DOCUMENTARY ONE.
BUT, GOSH, WELL, I WAS JUST SAYING I WAS MOVING BACK WITH MY
PARENTS AGAIN.
WELL, MY DAD HAS THIS WEIRD THING, ACTUALLY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF ADVICE YOU GET.
HE'S GOING THROUGH A THREE-FOURTHS LIFE CRISIS WHERE
HE'S LIVING WITH THIS DWARF DONKEY AND A MINI PONY.
>> James: YES, I'VE SEEN THE VIDEOS.
>> HE'S GOT THIS MASSIVE HUSKY, THEN A LITTLE CHIHUAHUA DOG, AND
THEY ALL COME AND EAT DINNER WITH HIM.
IT'S LIKE DR. DOOLITTLE.
IT'S REALLY WEIRD.
IT'S JUST HIM AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE WITH THE DONKEY AND THE
MINI HORSE AND THE BIG DOG AND THE LITTLE DOG.
IS THAT NORMAL?
>> DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW?
( LAUGHTER ) >> I FIGURED SO.
SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT ADVICE I'M ASKING FOR.
WHAT SHOULD I TELL HIM?
>> I WOULD TELL YOU -- OKAY.
-- HOW AWESOME.
YEAH.
I MEAN, LIKE, I WOULD LOVE TO GO TO MY PARENTS HOUSE AND FIND
DONKEYS EATING AT THE TABLE.
>> RIGHT.
YEAH, I WOULD JUST SAY -- JUST MILK IT.
MILK THE DONKEY?
NO -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> -- THE SITUATION.
THAT WAS GOOD.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL TO ME.
SO I WOULD SAY, YEAH, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND ENJOY YOUR MEALS
WITH FARM ANIMALS AROUND THE TABLE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> James: THERE YOU GO, VERY, VERY GOOD ADVICE.
REGGIE'S NOT HERE, BUT HE SENT TIM A QUESTION, TIM?
# STILL IS HAVING A STELLAR SHOW.
TIM, WHAT IS THE QUESTION THAT REGGIE SENT FOR OUR GUESTS?
>> WELL, TONIGHT'S QUESTION GOES TO -- BOTH OUR GUESTS.
>> OH.
IF YOU WERE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO DESIGN YOUR OWN
INSTITUTE WHAT KIND OF INSTITUTE WOULD YOU DESIGN AND INSTITUTE?
>> James: LET'S START WITH YOU.
>> WHAT KIND OF INSTITUTE.
>> James: WOULD YOU DESIGN.
AND INSTITUTE.
THAT WAS NOT THE QUESTION I WAS EXPECTING.
>> I WAS.
I SAW THIS QUESTION COMING.
( LAUGHTER ) I WOULD PROBABLY, UM -- UH --
I'LL BE HONEST, I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> REALLY OUT OF LEFT FIELD.
MAYBE AN INSTITUTE INSTITUTE.
>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
I FEEL LIKE THAT'S AN ANSWER FOR REGGIE, YOU KNOW.
I FEEL IT'S A VERY REGGIE ANSWER.
AN INSTITUTE INSTITUTE.
>> James: YOU CONCUR WITH THAT?
>> YEAH, I WILL HELP YOU WITH THAT INSTITUTE.
>> THANK YOU.
I'M TEXTING HIM RIGHT NOW TO SEE IF THAT'S CORRECT.
>> GREAT QUESTION, REGGIE.
IT'S CORRECT, I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
>> James: IT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!
TIG NOTARO, PATRICK SCHWARZENEGGER.
DUSTIN NICKERSON IS HERE WHEN WE COME BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: WELCOME BACK!
OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT STANDUP COMEDIAN AND
THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK, "HOW TO BE MARRIED TO MELISSA."
WE'RE SO PROUD HE'S MAKING HIS LATE-NIGHT DEBUT HERE WITH US
TONIGHT.
PLEASE WELCOME, THE HILARIOUS, DUSTIN NICKERSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU!
HA HA!
THANK YOU!
AH, THAT WAS OVERWHELMING.
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) YES, EVERYBODY, MY NAME IS
DUSTIN.
I AM A COMEDIAN, EVEN THOUGH I LOOK LIKE I WAS SENT HERE BY THE
CITY TO SHUT THIS EVENT DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE GOT STRONG NARC VIBES, I
KNOW THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME KIDS GROW UP, WANT TO BE
BATMAN.
I LOOK LIKE A KID WHO GREW UP WANTING TO BE COMMISSIONER
GORDON.
I UNDERSTAND ALL HERE.
I'M MARRIED.
THIS SUMMER ME AND MY WIFE ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE 18 YEARS.
WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 18 YEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FINE.
SHE'S NOT HERE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
WE'RE VERY HAPPY BUT WE'RE VERY JADED.
I KNOW WE'RE JADED BECAUSE THE LAST WEDDING WE WENT TO, WE WERE
GIGGLING DURING THE VOWS.
LIKE, WE COULDN'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, RIGHT, BECAUSE THAT
DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, YOU KNOW THAT IN YOUR HEARTS.
LIKE THAT'S NOT A MARRIAGE.
THAT'S A WEDDING.
THOSE ARE DIFFERENT THINGS.
A MARRIAGE IS THE NEXT DAY WHEN THEY GET TO THE AIRPORT AND SHE
GOES, I FORGET MY PASSPORT.
NOW YOU'RE MARRIED.
THAT'S THE MARRIAGE RIGHT THERE.
TODAY, TILL DEATH DO US PART.
TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO MEXICO ALONE.
YOU HAD ONE JOB.
ONE JOB.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT BEING IN THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU GET
VERY LEELTSIC ABOUT IT.
WHEN PEOPLE ASK ADVICE, WE GO, LISTEN, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO
KNOW WHO TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IS, IGNORE EVERYTHING
POSITIVE ABOUT THEM.
THAT DOESN'T HELP YOU.
WE ALL LIKE THE POSITIVE.
LOOK AT THE ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT THEM, THE THING THAT
DRIVES EVERYBODY IN LIFE CRAZY, IF YOU CAN STAND THAT THING,
THAT'S YOUR SOUL MATE.
( APPLAUSE ) FOR EXAMPLE -- IF YOU'RE IN A
RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY AND THEY SAY, EXPRESS-O, AND YOU
DON'T WANT TO MURDER THEM, THEN MARRY THEM RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
I DO.
THERE'S NO X IN THAT WORD.
YOU ARE UNCULTURED AND ILLITERATE IS WHAT YOU ARE.
THAT'S HOW I KNOW ME AND MY WIFE ARE FOR EACH OTHER.
WE CAN STAND THESE THINGS.
MY WIFE CAN'T SAY SALSA CORRECTLY.
SHE SAYS SALZA.
MAY I HAVE CHIPS AND SALZA.
YOU FEEL THE TENSION THERE?
I SAID IT TWICE, YOU HATE HER, ALREADY.
THAT SHOULD BE THE STUFF ON THE DATING APP, NOT I LIKE TO KAYAK,
IT'S I GRIND MY TEETH AT NIGHT.
OH, YOU HAVE A SLEEP APNEA MACHINE?
PERFECT.
I LIKE THE REALISM THAT COMES WITH THAT.
YOU KNOW EACH OTHER.
THE OTHER THING IS YOU NEED TO FIND THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN
COMMON AND NOT THE THINGS YOU LOVE TOGETHER, THE THINGS YOU
HATE TOGETHER.
HATE IS SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN LOVE.
AND IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
LET YOUR RELATIONSHIP GROW THROUGH BITTERNESS AND SPITE.
MY WIFE AND I HAVE A COUPLE FRIEND THAT WE KEEP IN OUR LIFE
JUST BECAUSE EVERYTHING THEY DO WE HATE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THEIR ROLE, THEY DO
SOMETHING ANNOYING, AND WE GET TOGETHER AND TALK CRAP ABOUT
THEM, AND THEN OUR LOVE BLOSSOMS.
( APPLAUSE ) FOR US, IT'S A YOUNG AND
ANNOYING COUPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO SHOW OFF AND IMPRESS.
DUSTIN AND MELISSA, WE STILL FALL ASLEEP TOGETHER CUDDLING.
I'M NOT IMPRESSED BY THAT.
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU CUDDLE EARLY ON?
YOU'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GOING TO LEAVE.
YOU'RE NOT CUD LING, YOU'RE HOLDING ON.
THAT'S A HOSTAGE SITUATION.
YOU KNOW WHAT A HAPPY, CONTENT COUPLE LOOKS LIKE IN BED?
COULD YOU BE FURTHER AWAY?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU'RE HERE, FURTHER AWAY.
YOU'VE TAKEN ENOUGH OF MY DAYTIME DREAMS, COULD I HAVE
THESE ONES, PLEASE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SAME WITH PARENTING.
YOU GET VERY REALISTIC ABOUT IT.
THE HARDEST PART, I HAVE A REAL MEAN ONE.
OH, MY GOSH.
SHE IS SO MEAN.
I'VE NEVER HIT MY DAUGHTER BUT I HAVE THROWN A HAWAIIAN SWEET
ROLL AT HER.
I HAVE.
SHE'S THAT LEVEL OF MEAN IF ONE OF THE PARENTS IS YELLING AT
HER, SHE DOESN'T WANT HER TO STOP.
MY WIFE IS MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART.
THE THINGS SHE'LL SAY TO MY WIFE, I'LL SIT THERE WITH MY
MOUTH OPEN LIKE OH, MY GOSH!
I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK TO HER LIKE THAT.
( APPLAUSE ) NO, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, BUT
FINISH YOUR THOUGHTS.
DUSTIN NICKERSON.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY!
>> James: DUSTIN NICKERSON EVERYBODY!
THAT WAS FANTASTIC!
YOUR NEW BOOK, HOW TO BE MARRIED TO MISSA IS ON SALE RIGHT NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY!
THAT WAS FANTASTIC.
>> THANK YOU!
>> James: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING!
TOMORROW NIGHT: ANNETTE BENING, EWAN MCGREGOR, AND MUSIC FROM
THE CHAINSMOKERS.
AND THE CAST FROM "THIS IS US" ARE GOING TO TEACH US HOW TO SAY
NO TO DRUGS.
DON'T MISS IT.
BAND, TAKE US HOME!