1 00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:13,512 We'll find out whose severed foot was found inside that birthday cake 2 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,096 tonight at 11. 3 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,481 Who's this? What happened to Jeff Jimmersby? 4 00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:21,899 Now, stay tuned for an all-new Colt Luger starring Reid Harrison. 5 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,270 He said his name! Colt's really coming back! 6 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,227 Get down here! Colt's coming back! 7 00:00:26,317 --> 00:00:29,027 Why is this such a big deal? You watch that show every week. 8 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,872 He's been in a Tijuana jail for months, Kevin. 9 00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,238 Poor guy tried to open a steakhouse down there, 10 00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:36,865 but instead of paying off the mayor, he fucked his wife. 11 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:39,003 It took a letter from Lee Trevino to get him out. 12 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,000 It's Luger time! 13 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:42,672 Hey, Dad, Dad, Dad! Take my chair. 14 00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:45,751 I'd be honored. Have some grain alcohol. 15 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,047 Colt Luger! 16 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,590 Starring Reid Harrison! 17 00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:52,223 Aw, here we go! I haven't been this happy since Elvis was drafted. 18 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:56,182 - Uncle Sam shut him up, didn't he? - You're goddamn right! 19 00:00:56,264 --> 00:00:57,354 Who's Elvis? 20 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,812 He's that fat guy that dresses like Evel Knievel. 21 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,903 Tonight's episode, "Return of the Prodigal Gun." 22 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,985 You dirtbags wouldn't dare treat me like this if Colt Luger was here. 23 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:13,779 But he's not! He's in that submarine-induced coma. 24 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:16,794 Not so fast, Escobar! 25 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:17,698 There he is! 26 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:20,366 Dios mío, he is risen! 27 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,535 He looks like hell. 28 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:24,183 The man spent the last two months shitting in a coffee can, Bill. 29 00:01:24,267 --> 00:01:25,307 Can you show some respect? 30 00:01:25,393 --> 00:01:28,673 Well, hopefully, he had time to reflect and become a better person. 31 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:33,295 How do you burrito banditos take your tortillas? Corn or lead? 32 00:01:33,384 --> 00:01:34,384 I'm Puerto Rican. 33 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:37,427 A Puerto Rican is just a tall Mexican. 34 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:39,274 - Kill him! - ¡Vámonos! 35 00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:42,443 Well, he is a better person, Sue! 36 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,439 Not as good as you, son! 37 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,481 I always knew you were the best! 38 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,324 Always? 39 00:01:48,399 --> 00:01:51,189 Where's your Cesar Chavez now? 40 00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,491 Ah! Yo soy blowing up! 41 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,713 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 42 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,628 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 43 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,644 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 44 00:02:18,888 --> 00:02:21,098 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 45 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,437 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 46 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,019 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 47 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,273 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 48 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:30,557 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 49 00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:31,648 Ah! 50 00:02:31,734 --> 00:02:33,654 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 51 00:02:33,678 --> 00:02:35,438 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 52 00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:38,284 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 53 00:02:38,308 --> 00:02:39,906 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 54 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:45,000 Can you believe Colt convinced all those lovely señoritas 55 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,751 to turn on their own cartel? 56 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,550 What a night! 57 00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,786 Looks like things are going well with you and your dad. 58 00:02:50,810 --> 00:02:52,377 You got that right! 59 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:53,633 But... 60 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:56,296 There it is. 61 00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:58,764 Sticking your "but" into my great mood again. 62 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:02,175 Frank, don't get me wrong. I'm glad he finally hugged you. 63 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,175 All right, all right, not so loud. 64 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,187 I feel like there's a lot more you two need to talk about. 65 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,480 Really clear the air. 66 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:12,033 Jesus, Sue, this is why men run the world. 67 00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:14,818 We don't have to waste four hours talking about shit. 68 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:18,573 We just drink some booze, break a crib, have a quick hug, and it's over. 69 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:22,196 Frank, one hug cannot erase 40 years of hard feelings. 70 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,745 I think you've still got a lot of anger to work out. 71 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,920 Sue, let it go. 72 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:28,999 I'm all better. 73 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,710 As much as I hate to say it, 74 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,881 I think your friend the hippie lesbian is on to something. 75 00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:37,433 When I find myself getting angry, I just breathe. 76 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,849 - You should do that too. - Oh, my God! 77 00:03:39,873 --> 00:03:41,969 - Oh, my God! - Jesus fucking Christ! 78 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,925 Daddy's coming, princess! 79 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,178 What did Bill do to you? 80 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,057 I will beat you to death, you little bastard! 81 00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:49,194 I didn't do shit to her! 82 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,400 I'll do shit to you! And watch your mouth! 83 00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,151 Daddy, Mrs. Breckman just told me 84 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,323 they're gonna make me the star of the play tonight! 85 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:58,661 Amy got really sick, and I'm the only one who knows all the lines. 86 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,068 Maureen, that's wonderful! 87 00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:03,907 You see? What did I tell you about biding your time? 88 00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:06,163 Somebody always walks into a propeller! 89 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,746 That's right, they do! 90 00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,830 Maybe things are looking up around here. 91 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,246 Damn right they are. 92 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,804 Life ran out of shit sandwiches to hand us. 93 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:17,511 Sorry I said I'd beat you to death, son. 94 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:21,180 Ah, that's okay. I've heard way worse out on the ice. 95 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,931 And call me "The Rat." Everyone at school does. 96 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:25,773 They should call you "The Douche." 97 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:30,137 Oh, such hateful words from the lover boy! 98 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:33,518 - Kevin loves Alice! - Roses are red, violets are blue! 99 00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:34,646 - Kiss and tell! - Oh! 100 00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,282 - You're lucky I'm so fulfilled, or you'd be fucking dead. 101 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,860 And you're lucky we're not on the ice, because you'd have a stick up your ass. 102 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,367 All right, you two, knock it off! 103 00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:49,035 Let's not ruin Maureen's good news with any tomfoolery. Okay? 104 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,502 We're all gonna go to that play and be on our best behavior. 105 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:55,383 Tonight is about celebrating Maureen. 106 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,592 And Kevin's new girlfriend! 107 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:01,133 Oh, kissy, kissy, kissy. 108 00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:02,517 When's the wedding? 109 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,852 I hate being happy! 110 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:09,265 After this week, The Kwock will be no more. 111 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:12,020 - Next Sunday... - Sunday! Sunday! 112 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,230 Sorry, I can't turn it off. 113 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,444 - Next day after Saturday... - Thanks, man. 114 00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:20,735 ...we will officially be The Kweeze. 115 00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:24,700 And change the annual KwockToberfest to KweezeToberfest. 116 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:27,662 KweezeToberfest? Hey, man, why didn't I think of that? 117 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,704 I love that! That's good shit! 118 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,325 Thanks for your enthusiasm, Vic. 119 00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:36,915 KweezeToberfest will feature a lineup of sizzling singer-songwriters 120 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,673 that will get Robert Plant's cock out of everyone's face 121 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,006 so we can finally see a sunset. 122 00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:46,101 Oh, man, I got just what you need, man! 123 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:49,269 Remember that band I liked that you said was old and out of touch? 124 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,059 Well, good news, I want to play them again for you! 125 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:56,904 Oh, Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic. Don't you understand? 126 00:05:56,981 --> 00:06:00,231 You're a dinosaur, and the meteor hit. 127 00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,742 But a lot of people love dinosaurs, 128 00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:06,241 old people, in their 30s and 40s. 129 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:08,084 Hey, I'm only 30, man. 130 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,989 The odometer flipped, Vic. 131 00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:13,078 Okay, back to this century. 132 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:16,674 I can walk backwards and reverse the mileage. 133 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:18,801 You're making me sad, man. 134 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,166 Okay, what's wrong with it this time? 135 00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,926 Well, to put it in technical terms, 136 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:27,549 you people don't know what the fuck you're doing. 137 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:30,717 - What are you talking about? - Where do I begin? 138 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,807 There are claw marks on the inside of the machine. 139 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,193 It's full of melted duct tape. 140 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:40,271 And someone turned the X-rays up to a dangerous level 141 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:44,698 to warm up a can of Dinty Moore stew and overheated the core. 142 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,579 Why the hell is the machine able to go up that high in the first place? 143 00:06:47,603 --> 00:06:52,577 Why is the speed limit 55, but every car can do a hundred? 144 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:55,252 Why are women's bikes designed the way they are, 145 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:57,461 yet we are the ones that have balls? 146 00:06:57,875 --> 00:07:02,415 You want to do this all day, or do you want to solve the fucking problem? 147 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:06,175 Okay. Red, you're off X-ray duty. 148 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,969 Go to the curb and do Rosie's job. 149 00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:10,642 Uh... I don't know if I can do that, Frank. 150 00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:12,851 Ah, you'll be great. Just turn on that Southern charm. 151 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,846 I'm going to change my flight to a different airline. 152 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,145 Would you kindly hand me back my bag? 153 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,519 Ma'am, on behalf of Mohican Airways, 154 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:24,736 why don't you take off your girdle and go fuck yourself? 155 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,149 Oh. 156 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,107 Jesus Christ, Red! What the fuck was that? 157 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,407 I'm sorry, man. I can't work with the public. 158 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:34,121 My shrink at the VA says I get set off by people telling me what to do. 159 00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,463 - Okay, okay. - I'm like a wild horse 160 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,079 that needs to be free. 161 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,916 They're innocent creatures, Frank! 162 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,671 They just want to graze and fuck, but no! 163 00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:46,973 We put blinders on them so they can't see this beautiful world. 164 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,929 And don't get me started on Mister Ed! 165 00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:51,053 Just breathe, Frank. 166 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:56,307 His mouth said lies, but his eyes screamed the truth! 167 00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,348 For the first time in our school's history, 168 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,188 the boys' hockey team has a winning record 169 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:07,324 and will play for the Quint City Championship next weekend. 170 00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:10,323 To celebrate them, I request your enthusiasm 171 00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:13,776 for the next four to six minutes of pep. 172 00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:23,128 Let's hear it for the man responsible for our winning record, 173 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:26,711 as well as the semi-regular replacement of the urinal cakes, 174 00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,797 Coach Janitor Fitzy. 175 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:32,761 First of all, 176 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:37,345 whoever puked in my mop bucket, I will find you and kill you! 177 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:41,938 Here are your 1974 Southwick Fryers! 178 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:51,030 First, our goalie, a kid with a big heart and a bigger head. 179 00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:56,953 Give it up for Little Ken Dryden, Mr. Phillip Bonfiglio! 180 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:04,292 We fight and die for your glory! 181 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:09,585 Now that Amy's sick, I get to be the lead in the play. Isn't that great? 182 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:12,264 Yeah, it's bitchin'. Guess what else? 183 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:17,271 My stupid goldfish choked to death on some shotgun pellets. 184 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,848 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 185 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,814 Yeah, but that's not the funniest part. 186 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:25,234 I hammered the dead fish till it was nothing but stink, 187 00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:29,574 then I carried it around in a sandwich bag waiting to make my move. 188 00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:32,742 The next player is like a son to me 189 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:36,662 because, according to the paternity test, he is my son. 190 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:38,702 Our center, Jimmy Fitzsimmons. 191 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:46,674 Thank you, Coach Dad. Webster's defines "teamwork" as... 192 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,552 All right, shut up, bookworm. 193 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:53,177 I brought the bag of dead fish smashings to school, 194 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:57,639 and when Amy wasn't looking, I put it in her sloppy joe. 195 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,472 Oh, my God. 196 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:03,234 That's why she got sick? You poisoned her? 197 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,061 Yep. 198 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,858 Thank you so much! 199 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:13,362 Last but not least, he wears number 16 200 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,986 but averages 17 penalty minutes a game. 201 00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:21,004 My superstar, Bill Murphy! 202 00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:25,713 Rat! Rat! Rat! Rat! Rat! Rat! 203 00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,001 We're going to war with Stoughton on Sunday. 204 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:32,628 And we will slaughter them, because I am The Rat! 205 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:36,255 And this is Rat Poison! 206 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,644 Wouldn't that kill you? 207 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,640 - Shut up, Scott! - Ah! 208 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,397 That's my Rat. 209 00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,978 Yeah! Yeah! 210 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,401 Bridget, I'll never be able to repay you. 211 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,980 Yes, you will. Give your brother this note for me. 212 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,114 I usually don't chase old flames, 213 00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:58,565 but that little fire ant has got the pipes flowing again. 214 00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,081 This has to stop. 215 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:09,793 Every time that darned skeleton machine breaks down, we lose precious income. 216 00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:12,917 And we are this close to having our operator's license 217 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,165 pulled by the Fa-hay-hay. 218 00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,297 It's terribly worrisome. 219 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:21,925 Mrs. Dunbarton, might I indulge in just one M? 220 00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:24,734 My doctor's keeping me on a strict diet, 221 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:28,019 but with everything going on, I think I've earned a sweetie. 222 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,194 - Go ahead, Bob. - Thank you. 223 00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,486 Mrs. Dunbarton, uh... 224 00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:42,452 it may have been a mistake to try and save money by not having the men 225 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,905 do the recommended training on the machine. 226 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:48,205 And that's why I'm sending the two of you to the factory in Cleveland 227 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:52,130 where they make the X-rays, to get trained on the thing, 228 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,761 so you can then train the employees. 229 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:57,679 Frank, we're going to Cleveland! 230 00:11:57,758 --> 00:12:01,928 I love a city that isn't afraid to stand up to the surgeon general. 231 00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:05,182 Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't leave town. My wife is close to her due date. 232 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,596 I don't give a shit if Christ is pushing the rock back 233 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:11,146 and he's gonna guest host for Johnny Carson! 234 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,780 You are going to Cleveland with me tomorrow! 235 00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,989 Tomorrow? I can't, goddamn it! I just... 236 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,240 Mrs. Dunbarton, it might be better if you sent one of the guys 237 00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:26,196 who actually operates the thing. 238 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,457 You're right, Frank. You stay home. 239 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:30,749 And I think it's wonderful that your wife 240 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:34,383 has put on all that weight and you still support her. 241 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,672 I never experienced that in a relationship. 242 00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:39,375 Fuck him. 243 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:44,387 And, Bob, now that you're not fat, you have no excuse to be a meanie-weenie. 244 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:47,272 Of course. My apologies. 245 00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:50,769 Mrs. Dunbarton, might I trouble you for another? 246 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,153 Jesus Christ. 247 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,060 Go ahead. 248 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,068 Oh! Oh! Oh! 249 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:59,070 The M stands for "my God"! 250 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,869 ♪ Sailing on my catamaran ♪ 251 00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:06,948 ♪ Won't you call me Mr. Catamaran ♪ 252 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:08,912 What do you think? 253 00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:12,754 It's good, but isn't that the song you wrote about me? 254 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:15,293 Yeah, but I'm trying to get it on the radio, 255 00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:18,797 and more people know about catamarans than know who you are. 256 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:20,881 So I had to change the lyrics. 257 00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,933 It's a logistics thing. 258 00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,310 Okay. 259 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,680 Kevin, I liked the old song better. 260 00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:30,885 It sounded more like you. You don't care about boats. 261 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,851 Okay, fine, I don't. 262 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:37,478 But my manager, Vic, told me it's really hip to sing about stuff like that. 263 00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,856 And I live under my parents' house, 264 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:44,914 so I wrote some shit about some dildo on a catamaran so I can have a hit, 265 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,450 move out of the basement, and live in a place that has a fucking window 266 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:50,496 so I can tell what fucking time it is! 267 00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:53,119 - Why are you yelling at me? - Because you're yelling at me! 268 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:57,167 - I'm not yelling at you. - Well, it sounded like you were. 269 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:01,416 I don't know why I just flipped out like that. 270 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,757 Oh, man, I'm acting just like my dad. 271 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,386 I'm sorry, Alice. 272 00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:09,718 It's okay. I accept and believe your apology. 273 00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,060 You do? Whoa. 274 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:14,742 In my house, after we yell at each other, 275 00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:17,187 people don't speak again until the next major sporting event. 276 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,533 Well, good news, we're not related. 277 00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,568 That'd be really messed up. 278 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,072 It would mean I touched my sister's tits last night. 279 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:25,154 Ew! 280 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:28,157 Yeah. Ew, I know. 281 00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:33,329 Welcome back, Frank. Sue tells me you got a new crib. 282 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:38,794 Congratulations. You've done the bare minimum as a father. 283 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,548 - And you've been a f... - Frank. 284 00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:42,549 Let me finish. 285 00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,593 Phenomenal help. 286 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:49,135 Oh. And you are so full of shimmering energy. 287 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,351 - Thank you, Frank. - What? Like I said, everything's fine. 288 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,735 Let's rub some belly! 289 00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,725 Hey, it's Jack Jibbons! 290 00:14:57,813 --> 00:15:00,153 That's Jim Jeffords, and it's not me! 291 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,618 Hey, hey, Sandy! Sandy! Can I talk to you about my band? 292 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,871 I'm telling you and your drug-induced dementia for the last time. 293 00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:15,002 I don't want to hear about your band or that old fart music. 294 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,920 Oh, I get it, man. 295 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:19,339 But these kids, they don't rock anymore. 296 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,748 They changed their name. They changed their sound. 297 00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:24,547 They're mellow as fuck. Check this out. 298 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,432 You are Vic. You are cool. 299 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:32,432 You fucked a lifeguard at 14, but that is not when your life peaked. 300 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:34,734 Oops! Wrong track. Sorry about that. 301 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,515 She bent over in that tollbooth and... 302 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,064 Almost got it. 303 00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,227 I got to go, Vic. 304 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:44,065 I really need this, man. 305 00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:47,611 If you give my band a spot at KweefToberfest, 306 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,406 I promise I won't disappoint you. 307 00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,081 Fine, but it's on you. 308 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,580 They fail, you sail. 309 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,331 Away. Into the sunset. 310 00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:00,879 While a turtle watches. 311 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,719 You look so handsome with your hair like that, Kevin. 312 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,175 Thanks. I also shaved my arms. 313 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:18,231 Over here, Dad! I saved you a seat. 314 00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:25,069 Ladies and gentlemen, the Southwick Elementary Fourth Grade 315 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:29,910 presents Alfred P. Southwick: Spark of Inspiration! 316 00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:32,761 What happened to Amy Jenkins? 317 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:34,911 That's my princess. 318 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,544 You've done a great job with her, son. 319 00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:38,621 Thanks, Dad. 320 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,584 Jesus, get a room, you two. 321 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,536 Shut the fuck up, asshole. 322 00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,996 Hi, I'm Kevin's dad. You must be Alice. 323 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:49,717 Let me tell you the story of how my husband, Alfred P. Southwick, 324 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,140 invented the electric chair. 325 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:57,019 It all started in a beautiful day of a botched hanging. 326 00:16:57,099 --> 00:17:00,099 Oh, how I wish I was dead already! 327 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:05,515 My Quincy's a performer, just like his mama. 328 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:11,533 My good and chaste wife, there must be a better way 329 00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:14,033 to execute murderers and the poor. 330 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:17,746 And I know you will find that better way, Alfred. 331 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:22,285 ♪ Better way We need a better way ♪ 332 00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:27,174 ♪ To make bad men go away ♪ 333 00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:31,094 ♪ Too hot to burn them at the stake ♪ 334 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:34,545 ♪ Too slow to feed them to a snake ♪ 335 00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:38,926 ♪ We need a better way ♪ 336 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,770 Oh, isn't that's special? 337 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:45,806 There will now be a brief intermission. 338 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:52,651 The guy who killed all the people up there? That's my son. 339 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,783 These should get me through winter. 340 00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:00,577 English is my favorite subject. I guess I've always been a bit of a nerd. 341 00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:04,292 Mom, she's so good at reading. Go ahead, show her! 342 00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,421 - Oh, it's The Rat! - What a badass! 343 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,593 Phillip's head is so much bigger in person! 344 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:11,130 Dick flick! 345 00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:13,341 - Ow! - Nice try, psycho. 346 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,641 Nobody flicks The Rat's dick but me. 347 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,932 He makes me feel worthless. 348 00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:22,890 I love that redheaded piece of shit. 349 00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:26,396 Little Bill made his first girl cry. 350 00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:30,113 You raised him right, son. 351 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:31,782 I don't like that he's The Rat. 352 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,197 But he is a popular rat. 353 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,163 - Ah. - Ah. 354 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,541 Frank, don't you think you've had enough? 355 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,198 You have to drive us all home. 356 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,246 Ah, I drive better drunk. 357 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,370 When I'm buzzing, Sue, I always let people in. 358 00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:48,337 Yeah, when he's sober, he's giving them the finger. 359 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:56,722 Oh, Sue, don't be such a wet blanket! Come on, we're having a good time! 360 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,972 Yeah, enjoy the evening. Your daughter's a star. 361 00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:03,635 All you have to do is stand back and watch her blossom. 362 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:08,653 Well, it looks like you've learned a thing or two about that over the years. 363 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,108 Oh, how so? 364 00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:14,071 Well, you know, you're... you're so encouraging now. 365 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,413 I've always been encouraging. 366 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:20,198 Yeah, well, you know, when I was a kid, you encouraged me to get off the stage. 367 00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,584 Frank, don't. 368 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,910 No, no, no, no. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm just making a joke. 369 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:28,537 Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about. 370 00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:33,463 Come on, Dad. We're okay now. You can admit what you did. 371 00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:34,717 Did what? 372 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,514 You're not gonna deny this, are you? 373 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,176 Tell me you're not gonna still deny what you did to me. 374 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:45,595 - Frank. - Nah, it's okay, Sue. Dad, just say it. 375 00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:48,654 It was 30 years ago. Just say it, and we'll bury it forever. 376 00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,858 I don't know what you're talking about. 377 00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:55,900 I just came down here to watch my beautiful granddaughter. 378 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:59,866 Oh, okay, all right. I get it. I get it. The sweet-old-man routine, right? 379 00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:05,198 It's not a routine. I was always sweet. You were just too sensitive. 380 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,250 Francine. 381 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,796 You son of a bitch! 382 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,127 Hey, maybe you'd like to heckle your granddaughter 383 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,676 for the second half of the play for old times' sake, huh? 384 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,600 For the last fucking time, I didn't heckle you! 385 00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,309 - Yes, you did! - Bullshit! 386 00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,349 You forgot your goddamn fucking lines, 387 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,813 and I was covering for you with a couple of jokes! 388 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:31,274 Well, I forgot my lines because my own father 389 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:34,645 was laughing at me in front of the entire fucking town! 390 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,743 You looked like Red Skelton's dick! 391 00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:40,449 Ah, there it is! There it is! 392 00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:42,490 Just once! Just fucking once, 393 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:45,334 can you admit what a selfish fucking asshole you were? 394 00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:49,410 Oh, you were always just like your mommy! 395 00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:54,998 A whiny bitch who turned on the waterworks every time things got tough! 396 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:58,877 - I'll show you tough, you piece of shit! - Mr. Murphys, take your seats. 397 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,426 The play is about to begin. 398 00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,639 - Stay out of this, lady! - Aw. 399 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:07,892 Great news, Alfred. The governor called. 400 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,885 The execution can proceed. 401 00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:12,517 - Ah, you're full of shit! - Huh? 402 00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,734 Oh, you think you're a big man now? Here, what? 403 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,435 Take a swing at me. Go on, hot shot! 404 00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:19,815 I've wanted to take a swing at you for about 35 fucking years! 405 00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:22,363 Come on! Come on! Come on! Go ahead! Right here! 406 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:25,907 I'll give you the first shot, you little fucking sissy! 407 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:27,583 Jesus! 408 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:28,961 - Frank! - Shit! 409 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:32,622 Come on, let's finish this thing, you fucking bastard! Get up! 410 00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:34,578 Hey, buddy, he's an 80-year-old man. 411 00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:37,958 No, he isn't! He's only 73! So fucking butt out! 412 00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:56,608 What? He told me to hit him. 413 00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:07,832 Maureen, honey, I'm so sorry. I just... 414 00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:12,039 - Just please, let me make it up to you. - I can never go to school again. 415 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:15,332 All my friends were there. They all saw it. 416 00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:16,717 Maureen! 417 00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:18,469 It's okay, honey. 418 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,048 You were so great tonight. 419 00:22:23,425 --> 00:22:28,175 - Do you want me to drive? - I want you to walk into traffic. 420 00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:36,651 And the award for Dildo of the Century goes to... 421 00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:47,289 Oh, boy. 422 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:52,075 Jesus! 423 00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:55,916 Okay. Not everybody in this house hates me. 424 00:22:56,333 --> 00:22:58,673 Time to turn on the old Murphy charm. 425 00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:01,052 Wish me luck, buddy. 426 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:04,382 Hey, honey. 427 00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:06,426 Nice night for a walk. 428 00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:08,894 Okay. You're right. 429 00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:12,309 My father and I probably have some unfinished business 430 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,391 when it comes to talking about our past. 431 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,520 And admittedly, we got a little out of control 432 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,194 at the function this evening, and I... 433 00:23:19,272 --> 00:23:22,732 I told you one hug doesn't make everything better. 434 00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:26,318 You ignored me. And tonight you embarrassed me. 435 00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:28,405 You embarrassed your sons. 436 00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:31,240 And you absolutely devastated your daughter. 437 00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:33,046 In my defense, I think I behaved pretty good 438 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,370 - for the first half of the play. - Shut up! 439 00:23:35,455 --> 00:23:37,745 Do you realize what you did to that little girl tonight? 440 00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:39,503 Hey, why are you just coming at me? 441 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,714 What about my dad? He was right there with me! 442 00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:44,915 - How come you didn't give him any shit? - Because I'm not married to him! 443 00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:47,756 For God's sake, stop it with the self-pity! 444 00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:50,933 Well, no one else is gonna pity me! Like every fucking thing else around here, 445 00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:53,352 if I want to get something done, I got to do it myself! 446 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:54,642 I mean, you never support me! 447 00:23:54,724 --> 00:23:57,854 You're always taking other people's fucking sides! 448 00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:00,176 How about an "attaboy" every once in a fucking blue moon? 449 00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:01,488 Would that kill you? 450 00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:03,065 Huh? 451 00:24:03,066 --> 00:24:06,316 Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got nothing to say about that, do you? Huh? 452 00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,027 Of course not! No! 453 00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:12,124 Sitting there with your arms crossed, right? 454 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,580 Staring at the wall. 455 00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:16,794 Trying to make me feel uncomfortable. 456 00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:19,500 Well, it's not gonna work, lady. Okay? 457 00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:23,010 You hear me? 458 00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:27,548 You are not sleeping in this bed tonight. 459 00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:36,726 Get off me. 460 00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:41,195 Princess? 461 00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:45,324 Oh. 462 00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:55,742 You were the lucky one, Chet. 463 00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:14,019 Eh. 464 00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,805 Aren't you coming to bed, Robert? 465 00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,896 I am watching an important program! 466 00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:28,942 Here's Hobo Jojo! 467 00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:31,783 What's happening, kids? 468 00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:34,201 What the fuck? 469 00:25:34,282 --> 00:25:36,702 A couple assassinations, 470 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:40,205 and they get whatever they want. 471 00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:41,288 What? 472 00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:42,749 Bob, it's me, Frank. 473 00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:44,422 Are you seeing this, too? 474 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:45,801 Bob, listen. 475 00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:47,761 I changed my mind. 476 00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:50,036 I need you to put me on that plane to Cleveland tomorrow. 477 00:25:50,060 --> 00:25:53,466 Do you mean it? You better not be joshing me. 478 00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:56,012 Oh, we're gonna have fun, Frank. 479 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:58,806 Just put me on the plane. I know where I'm wanted. 480 00:25:58,890 --> 00:26:00,890 I deserve a happy scoop! 481 00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:05,150 I better warn you, I'm a snorer. 482 00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:08,320 Oh, who am I kidding? We're not gonna get any sleep. 483 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,150 We're going to Cleveland. 484 00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:13,315 Birthplace of one of the guys who thought of Superman. 485 00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:15,815 We'll be the most handsome fellas there. 486 00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:19,367 We can sneak down to Dayton and catch a Phil Donahue taping. 487 00:26:19,452 --> 00:26:23,422 We can go to The Arcade, which isn't an arcade, 488 00:26:23,498 --> 00:26:29,168 but an indoor shopping center, with an entire court just for food. 489 00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:32,514 Lou "The Toe" Groza has three car dealerships 490 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:34,341 and an ice cream shop. 491 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:39,096 We can go to Frankie Yankovic's polka bar and point at the tuba player. 492 00:26:40,181 --> 00:26:43,811 We can go visit the house that Jim Brown used to live in 493 00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:47,363 before he moved to Hollywood. 494 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:49,399 We can take a whiz in Lake Erie.