1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,435
Women: friends say
you are the worst thing
2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,308
that happened to me
3
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:09,007
announcer: You're the worst.
All new wednesdays at 10:00.
4
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:10,780
Only on fxx.
5
00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:15,006
Announcer:
Fx presents better things.
6
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:22,723
(Panting)
7
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:30,860
God damn it!
8
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:35,395
Mother, you had me
9
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:41,137
but I never had you
10
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:49,109
I, I wanted you
11
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:55,088
you didn't want me
12
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,062
so do me a favor
and wake him up a bit.
13
00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,362
Huh?
14
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,003
Just, it's on him now,
15
00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:05,558
so I need you
to surprise him
16
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,766
because he's, he's
too controlled now.
17
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,438
Okay.
Do you mind?
18
00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:11,567
No. Totally, I,
i think I got it.
19
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,872
All right, good.
Okay.
20
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:14,443
Woman:
Okay, last looks, please.
21
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,712
So... it's the big
turning point now, right?
22
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:18,911
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
23
00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:21,283
This is on you,
this is real close.
24
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,782
We want to see
this thing hit you, right?
25
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:23,953
Yeah, I got it.
26
00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:26,351
And, and... The feeling.
27
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:27,453
Right.
Mm-hmm.
28
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:30,285
Hey, uh...
Thanks, kunta.
29
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:33,561
Are you, uh, above this?
Because I want to...
30
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:34,961
You're tight.
You're tight.
31
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,632
All right,
all right.
32
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,130
Woman: All right,
finishing up.
Here we go.
33
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,597
Woman 2: All right, and
let's roll sound, please.
34
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,643
Woman 3:
Rolling, rolling.
35
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:44,937
Man:
Quiet, please.
36
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,809
Woman 2: Sound speed.
Marker.
37
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,467
Uh...
Cameras are set.
38
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:49,976
Action.
39
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,952
So I'm really sorry.
40
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,477
There's nothing I can do.
41
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,882
You lost custody
of Maggie.
42
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,284
Oh, my god, Maggie.
43
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,645
Yeah.
44
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,054
You're never gonna
see her again,
45
00:02:02,056 --> 00:02:03,516
and it's all your fault.
46
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:08,491
What?
47
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:09,826
Cut!
48
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,560
Why did you say that?
That's...
49
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:12,825
Sorry.
That's, that's
not in the script.
50
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,333
Sorry.
That's not in the script.
51
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,625
That felt...
That felt weird.
52
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,166
Big man, that was...
That was amazing.
53
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:18,941
Yeah?
It's a great, great day.
54
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,009
(Chuckles)
55
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,137
It's a great,
great day.
56
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:22,912
You're doing... yeah.
Oh, yeah.
57
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,880
Oh, okay.
Right.
58
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,807
Thank you.
59
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,148
Hey.
60
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:33,323
Hey.
61
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,620
How are you holding up?
62
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,522
I'm all right.
You know, it's, uh,
63
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:39,755
this is work, but, uh,
yeah.
64
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,690
I'm blessed to be working.
65
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:42,955
That is right.
66
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,533
I just want to say
67
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:45,832
I'm a fan from way back.
68
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,973
I mean, you are great.
Oh, no, no.
69
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,128
You are so...
70
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,036
You don't have
to say that, Mel, but I do.
71
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,698
I love your movies.
72
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:56,106
Well, I used to, too,
when they were my movies.
73
00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,710
I know, but you're great,
74
00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:00,211
and it's an honor to be
working with you, really.
75
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:01,884
Oh, thanks, Sammy.
76
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,022
Well, then it's only
fair to tell you
77
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:07,048
that my brother
and I used to say
78
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:10,324
"oh, stop it"
all the time.
79
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,564
Oh, my god,
that's a nightmare.
80
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,659
No, no.
Seriously,
81
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:13,660
that show killed us.
82
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,131
And when you did
the sad episodes,
83
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:16,859
we'd both pretend
not to be crying.
84
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,204
Aw.
85
00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:19,899
Yeah, the sad shows
were the best.
86
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,400
I don't need you.
I don't need anybody.
87
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:23,573
(Chuckles)
88
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:25,701
Well,
89
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,836
not to jerk
each other off too much,
90
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:31,411
but move down is my Bible.
91
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:34,512
And it formed me.
92
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,915
Really?
Yeah. It did.
93
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:38,817
A little bit.
It did a little bit.
94
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,149
Well, that's...
That's all right.
95
00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:42,545
David:
Melly Mel!
96
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,016
Mel, I found these, uh,
Tibetan prayer beads
97
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,085
over at, uh, props,
and i-i want to wear them.
98
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,434
Teak's, uh, teak's
going to wear these.
99
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,929
I know it doesn't match,
100
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,600
but continuity's
for pussies, right?
Uh...
101
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,769
So teak's a Buddhist now.
Right? It's cool.
102
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,367
Or hindu.
Prayer-prayer beads?
103
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,939
Yeah.
104
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:58,737
He's...
105
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,612
(laughing)
106
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:07,281
Well... we used to both
do our own thing,
107
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,781
and, uh, now we're
doing his thing.
108
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,923
Yeah, but it's good to work
with good people, though,
109
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,350
along the way.
110
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:17,385
Well, that's what
keeps me going.
111
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,891
You doing okay?
112
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,732
Yeah. I mean,
113
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,458
it's hard for me
being out here.
114
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:25,633
I mean, i-i need
my-my home comforts
115
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,733
and, uh...
116
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,465
Living in a hotel
for a month,
117
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,940
you know, gets
old, but, uh,
118
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:33,038
yeah, of course it does.
119
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,470
I'm whining.
120
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,605
No, no. Everybody
needs to be home.
121
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,151
You should come
to my house for dinner.
122
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:41,647
Come have dinner
with me and my girls.
123
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:43,479
And my mom.
Just be
124
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,154
with a family for a night.
You could have
125
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,992
some home-cooked food
or some home-ordered takeout.
126
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,588
Come on, Mel, we're bros.
127
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:50,990
Seriously?
128
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,261
Because, I mean,
i mean, I'm-I'm tempted.
129
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:54,830
Yeah, you want
to come tomorrow?
130
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,758
Um, I could swing tomorrow.
131
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,134
Good.
You're coming.
132
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,097
Tomorrow.
133
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,801
You bet.
134
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,343
Wait. I'm sorry.
Was that Mel trueblood?
135
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,339
Yeah.
136
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,171
Are you having dirty
with Mel trueblood?
137
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,006
Oh, my god,
i love your life.
138
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,651
You love what you
pretend my life is.
139
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,647
And no, we're not doing
any dirty things.
140
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,119
You are.
You totally are.
141
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,677
How would I not tell you?
142
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:20,446
On what planet
am I not telling you?
143
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,324
Okay, so you're hoping.
144
00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:23,663
No.
145
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,787
No, he's a nice guy.
146
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:28,993
And, uh,
he's also a genius.
147
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,756
(Deep gasping)
148
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,325
Sunny, stop.
That's gross.
149
00:05:34,335 --> 00:05:36,865
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
sorry for being gross.
150
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,368
Yeah. I mean,
151
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:42,043
he's cute,
he's sexy.
152
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:44,282
And I'm pretty sure
he's married.
153
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:46,876
Let's find out.
154
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,680
What are you doing?
Don't.
155
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,722
I'm googling your
genius new boyfriend.
156
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,618
No, no. Not while
you're driving.
157
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:54,119
We're gonna get
into an accident.
158
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,721
I hate this!
Dummy...
159
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:57,823
This is nervous...
A Tesla.
160
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,155
It drives itself.
161
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:02,559
Can you please put
your hands on the wheel?
162
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,663
This gives me a terrible
feeling in my stomach.
163
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,055
I hate it.
164
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,296
Aw, man, he's
wicked married.
165
00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:08,671
Okay, good.
166
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,569
Now you driving
and not the robot doing it.
167
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:11,971
Thank you.
Okay.
168
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,541
Do you have to
go right home?
169
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,212
Yeah, honey.
I don't want to go out.
170
00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:19,641
No, just come over
for a little bit.
171
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,306
Fine.
172
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,256
Oh! You know, you still
could sleep with him.
173
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,488
Who?
174
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:34,663
Mr. mo' money
farouk back there.
175
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:35,761
(Groans)
176
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,163
(Quietly):
No.
177
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,404
You just have to promise
to tell me if you do.
178
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,431
You promise to tell
me if you do.
179
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,396
Pinky swear right now
before we go into the house.
180
00:06:44,405 --> 00:06:46,165
I'm not gonna do it.
He's married.
181
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,073
Uh-huh.
Will you make me
a lemon drop?
182
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,565
Totally.
183
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,876
Man:
Hey, Sammy.
184
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:54,249
Hi, Jeff.
185
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,348
Sunny:
Hey, hon.
186
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:59,790
Hey, baby. Your I, uh,
deal keeps making noise.
187
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,687
Yeah, I know.
188
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:03,958
Can you look at it
like I asked you?
189
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,857
All my stuff is broken.
190
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:06,959
Oh, Jesus,
I'm so tired.
191
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,390
You know what, though?
Later, maybe.
192
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:13,225
So are you wasted right now?
193
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,773
Jeff:
Okay, eat shit.
194
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,028
Kidding.
195
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,466
You know, but eat you
some shit, though.
196
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,012
Right?
(Laughing)
197
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,875
(Laughing):
What?
198
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,107
Baby!
199
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,413
(Sighs)
200
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:30,745
Eh, women, huh?
201
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,221
Sam:
Yeah.
202
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,450
Right?
Mm-hmm.
203
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,245
Seriously,
though,
204
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,986
she's often a psycho.
205
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,261
Right, Sam?
206
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,059
Yeah.
207
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:43,261
I mean...
(Chuckles)
208
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,463
I don't want to preach
to the choir.
209
00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,255
No, totally.
I get it.
210
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,566
You're awesome, Sammy.
211
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,168
Yeah.
212
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,769
Hey, seriously,
for a second, though,
213
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,771
like, what would she
do without me?
214
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:53,913
You know?
215
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,807
Or you, for that matter.
216
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,739
I mean, I know I don't
have to tell you.
217
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,605
It's like you know...
You know her forever.
218
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,454
You guys go, like, way back.
219
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:05,179
Yeah.
We go way, way back.
220
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,785
You know this.
221
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:10,618
My dad and I got
in a fight, and, uh,
222
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,824
he kicked me
out of the house,
223
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,785
and I was so scared,
224
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,804
and she took me in,
and she got me a job.
225
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:17,797
Whoa.
226
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,598
Yeah, she was
227
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,600
19, she was already
taking care of people.
228
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,443
She was amazing.
229
00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:25,598
She was full
of confidence.
230
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,766
She was so beautiful.
231
00:08:27,774 --> 00:08:32,044
I mean, I never knew anybody
who had so much potential.
232
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:35,605
And then
she met you, Jeff.
233
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,146
Jesus, did she love you.
234
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:38,480
Yeah.
235
00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:40,345
And here's sunny...
236
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,524
All right,
this woman who
237
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,463
loves so hard
and she tries so hard,
238
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:47,058
and she just ends up
239
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:50,160
pouring all of that love
into you for years.
240
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,963
Jeff, do you know
what that's like
241
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,566
to watch your friend,
someone you love,
242
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,739
someone who is
like a goddess
243
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,308
with the power
to fly to the moon
244
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,807
and shine a light
on the world,
245
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:05,809
and she ends up
using all of that power
246
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,582
just to keep
her fat, shit,
247
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,922
useless, boring
248
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,588
stoner husband
barely afloat?
249
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,747
It's just a shame, Jeff.
250
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,016
(Scoffs)
251
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:19,424
Well, here's the thing.
252
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,886
I know that you have...
253
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:26,196
Sucked your share
of dicks, huh?
254
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,769
I've heard about you.
255
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,439
That's okay, buddy.
Don't bother.
256
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:32,167
I don't care what you know.
257
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,742
Okay, well,
here's the thing.
258
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,781
I'm gonna have to say
that I cannot believe
259
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:40,377
that you just said
all of that to me.
260
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,780
Jesus, I'm offended.
261
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,853
Serious.
262
00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:45,951
Don't worry about it.
263
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,253
You won't remember.
264
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,724
You know why I know that?
265
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,792
Because I said
all of this to you
266
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,591
five years ago,
and you don't remember
267
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:56,394
because you've smoked
10,000 joints since then,
268
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,896
so... good night, Jeff.
269
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,170
See you at the next thing.
270
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:07,642
All right, good night, Sammy.
271
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,316
Hello.
I'm home!
272
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,317
Mama, you're home.
I missed you.
273
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,390
Hi.
274
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,418
Oh!
Where were you?
275
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,163
Mommy had to work
today, remember?
276
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:26,458
Frankie:
Hi, mom.
I told you.
277
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,830
Hey, come meet our guest!
278
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,829
Mel, this is Max,
279
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,131
and this little one
I'm holding is Duke.
280
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,273
She's very small.
281
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,127
Hiya, Duke.
Hi.
282
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,166
Sam?
283
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:39,640
Oh, this is
my sitter Lauren.
284
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,840
It's Mel.
285
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,671
Can I talk to you?
286
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,906
Yeah.
What's up?
287
00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:46,441
It's just getting
really difficult the way
288
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,146
your girls talk to me
when you're not here,
289
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,518
and I just think that they
should learn some respect,
oh, okay.
290
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,277
And I don't know
anything about...
okay, I have
291
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,185
to cook good dinner,
and so thanks for coming.
292
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,117
I love you.
Bye.
293
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:57,193
Frankie, come here.
294
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,920
Mel, this is Frankie.
295
00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:01,656
Hi.
296
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,292
Hi.
297
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:04,826
Hi.
298
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,031
Hi.
299
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,173
Oh.
300
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,497
Hi.
301
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:09,602
Hi.
Hi.
302
00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:10,973
Hi.
303
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,171
Hi.
304
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,512
Wait, one more hi.
305
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:14,637
Hi.
306
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:15,711
Oh, then I got
to do this again
307
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,609
to make it even.
Hi.
308
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:24,917
Put on pants.
309
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,020
What?
310
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,161
Are you gonna marry him?
311
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:31,487
Hey, Duke?
312
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,791
(Whispers):
You need to learn
how to whisper.
313
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:36,734
Wait, so you're, like, an
actor in the movie mom's in?
314
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,060
No, I'm the director.
315
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,395
Phyllis:
Hello!
Oh.
316
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,399
There's my mom.
317
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,670
You're about
to meet my mother.
318
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,368
Hi, mom.
319
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,200
Hello, sweetheart.
320
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,495
Mom, this is Mel.
321
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:48,706
Mel, this is
my mother Phyllis.
322
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:51,379
Oh. Hello.
Oh, hello, Mrs. fox.
323
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,878
It's very nice
to meet you.
324
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,079
Yes, well.
325
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,851
Mom, did you take
our phone book?
326
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:57,319
Because I noticed
all the neighbors
327
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,417
have their phone books.
No, no.
328
00:11:58,418 --> 00:11:59,578
Why would I take
your phone book?
329
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:00,716
I took my phone book,
330
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:01,891
which was left
at your step.
331
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,088
No, that's mine.
332
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,261
I always ask for
two phone books,
333
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,388
and they only brought one,
334
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,993
so the one at your
step must be mine.
335
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,334
Mom!
336
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,129
I learned a piano
song, come listen.
337
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,730
Come with me to the kitchen.
338
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:18,496
Okay, off you go.
339
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:25,405
(humming
"sleeping beauty waltz")
340
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,952
I know this one.
341
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,618
Um, did you
not tell your mother
342
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,247
that you were bringing
home a black man?
343
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,952
What? Oh, no.
Of course not.
344
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,115
That's not...
No.
345
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,523
I mean...
What? No!
346
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:38,964
You should've told her.
347
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,129
No, no, no, no, no.
348
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,687
I'm telling you,
that's not a thing.
349
00:12:41,695 --> 00:12:44,425
My mother is just insane.
She makes people feel weird.
350
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,531
It's like her hobby.
351
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:46,632
No, Sam.
352
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,703
She's over 70, okay?
353
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:51,542
You warn her that
a black man's coming over,
354
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,398
even if it's
to fix the cable box.
355
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,436
Oh, my god.
I'm telling you,
356
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:56,812
my mother is not like that.
357
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:58,610
She marched for integration.
358
00:12:58,612 --> 00:12:59,812
It doesn't matter, okay?
359
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:01,483
I'm not calling
your mother racist.
360
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,451
I'm calling her over 70.
361
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:07,050
You tell an old white lady
ahead of time, okay?
362
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:09,323
You warn her.
It's the right thing to do
363
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,992
for the old lady
and the black guy coming over.
364
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:15,162
Okay. No.
I think you're wrong.
365
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:16,902
Mm-hmm.
I'm hearing you,
366
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:19,457
and I know you feel
certain of this,
367
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,726
but I think that this
is your thing.
368
00:13:22,736 --> 00:13:26,466
That's not real.
It's not.
369
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,943
Oh, yeah, we don't
have a mezuzah.
370
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,311
What's up with that?
We're not that.
371
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,009
Yeah.
Frankie:
Mm-mm! One time,
372
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:32,641
Max was going to dance class,
373
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:35,076
and she had this
awful stomach virus.
374
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,481
Frankie, don't tell that story.
It was like a dress rehearsal
375
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,324
for a dance concert.
Mel: Right.
376
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,989
And she was wearing
this white leotard.
377
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,147
Okay, stop it.
Sam:
Frankie?
378
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,156
Max: Stop.
Duke: No, let her tell it.
379
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,287
Come on.
What?!
Mm-mm.
380
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,962
So she misses
the, the dress rehearsal.
381
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,431
She's gonna be dropped
out of the concert.
382
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,000
Mel: Mm-hmm.
Max: Mom!
383
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,258
But she has
this stomach virus...
384
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,596
Frankie, you can't
tell this story
385
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,601
'cause we're eating.
Oh, come on. Mom...
386
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,273
Max:
No! Shut up!
387
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,341
Frankie, you're stopping.
388
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,939
Fine. Fine.
Fine.
389
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,111
Thank you.
Okay, I'm done.
390
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,578
You're welcome.
I'm done.
391
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,153
And then, right in the middle
of doing a big split,
392
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,478
brown poop squirted
out of her butt
393
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:10,952
all over the perfect
white leotard!
394
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,181
(Laughter)
395
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,475
Mom!
396
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:16,386
(Laughter continues)
397
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,219
Sam:
Sorry, Mel.
398
00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:20,955
We like that kind
of humor at dinner.
399
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:22,731
Oh, no, no, no.
It's-it's fine.
400
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:23,999
(Quietly)
What are you doing?
401
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,797
Mel: Are you, uh, still
studying dance?
402
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,229
Max:
I do this thing.
403
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,404
It's-it's a modern class.
404
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,241
It's based on this thing
called Alvin ailey.
405
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,297
I don't know if...
406
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:33,504
Sure, i-i-i studied there,
actually.
407
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,036
You did?
408
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,011
Yeah, in New York
when I was in high school.
409
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,340
That's great that
you're doing that.
410
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,076
Even if you don't
dance, which,
411
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,981
you know,
i gave it up when I was 19,
412
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,753
but you'll never regret it.
413
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,421
I mean,
it's still a part of me.
414
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,989
Yeah?
415
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,588
Thanks.
416
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,419
No, you're lucky,
417
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,494
because when I was your age and
i was aching to be an artist,
418
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,833
I had to explain
that to my parents.
419
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:57,599
My father was a janitor.
420
00:14:57,597 --> 00:14:59,997
My mom's still a nurse.
421
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,430
But they didn't
know from art.
422
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:05,695
You're lucky because
your mother is an artist.
423
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,705
Well, she's not,
like, an artist.
424
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:11,107
Yes, she is.
She's, like, an artist.
425
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,041
Well, thank you, Mel.
426
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,946
That's very nice of you, Mel.
427
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,578
The last time
i was in London,
428
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,794
I went to harrods
to buy pantyhose, and so,
429
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:24,117
I go to the lingerie department,
430
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,464
and harrods had their
own brand of pantyhose,
431
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,729
and they're
the only ones I wear,
432
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,728
and you can only buy them
at that counter.
433
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,530
And their hose
has three colors:
434
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,303
Nude, white,
and nigger brown.
435
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:38,643
That was the name
of the color.
436
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,708
And that's the color
i always buy.
437
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,567
So I go to the counter,
438
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,475
and the young woman
who was working there
439
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,237
happened to be black.
440
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,306
And I said to her, "i would
like medium-size hose."
441
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,576
And she says,
"what color, please?"
442
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,724
And so I said,
"nigger brown."
443
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,890
And she was shocked.
444
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:58,889
I said it just like that.
I could see she was upset.
445
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,992
I said to her,
"i did you the honor
446
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:02,594
"of not noticing your color.
447
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,795
Would you do me the honor
of getting my item for me?"
448
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:07,099
So she went and got them,
449
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:10,000
and after that,
i paid for the hose.
450
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,643
Just so you know.
451
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:15,238
Oh, I need to use the loo.
452
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,134
You know, you have
a really nice family.
Thank you. They love you.
453
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,460
And I am sorry
about my mom.
454
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:41,096
No, no, no. don't be
sorry about your mom.
455
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,631
Never be sorry
about your mom.
456
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,435
No, Mel. I'm very sorry
about my shitty mother.
457
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,769
Okay, well, I don't know her.
458
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,035
No, you don't.
459
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,448
Um...
460
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,607
Yeah.
461
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,115
I...
462
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,392
You know, I have a friend
463
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:04,817
who is very invested
in wanting us to have sex.
464
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,464
Really?
465
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,229
She needs us to do it.
It's pretty bad.
466
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,727
Well...
467
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,230
But I'm not about to get into
a thing with a married guy.
468
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:19,096
That's just not,
that's not me.
469
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:25,512
Well, I mean, I'm going
through a divorce right now,
470
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,812
and I've been
going through a divorce,
471
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:30,254
and we've been
separated for months.
472
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,918
But I, uh, you know,
473
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,420
am going back
to New York tomorrow.
474
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:36,752
Yeah.
475
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,416
And as much as my brother
476
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:42,256
would want me to throw down
with Sammy fox, I mean...
477
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:45,062
Hey.
Hey. You know.
478
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,595
I don't know. I mean...
479
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,830
I mean, I like you.
480
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,744
But I don't want
to hook up with you.
481
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,940
I mean, actually,
i really like you.
482
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,943
Yeah, me, too.
483
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,375
I mean, there's...
484
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:01,750
No.
Yeah.
485
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,278
A feeling there.
Uh, it's...
486
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:06,254
It's a nice feeling.
487
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,447
Yeah.
488
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:09,845
But me, too.
489
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,416
I-I'm...
I don't want to...
490
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,925
I mean...
491
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,227
No, i...
Just like...
492
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:17,698
That's...
There's your ride.
493
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,697
That's my ride.
Yeah.
494
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,202
Come here.
495
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,444
Mm.
496
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,468
Oh, baby, in this world
497
00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:32,735
you can't
count on nothing
498
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,545
one moment it's clear...
499
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:38,317
can I just tell you this was
the first peace I've felt
500
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:41,548
in a very long time?
501
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,294
Same.
502
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,489
Maybe the next one
503
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,262
bye, Sam.
504
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:51,460
See things always changing
505
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,104
see you, Mel.
506
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:56,569
Each day some new song
507
00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:01,469
on the radio station
508
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,644
but baby, I always
509
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:08,554
will be standing
by your side
510
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:13,176
sure as the ocean
511
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:17,716
and a shoreline entwine
512
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,859
sure as the sun sets
513
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:26,862
in the hillside every night
514
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,426
I'll be by your side
515
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:35,205
lovely wife,
come with me
516
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:39,538
I'll be the same
517
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:03,972
oh baby, in this world
518
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:08,140
nothing stays
the same now
519
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:12,741
you learned
all the old rules
520
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:15,105
but it's a whole
different game.
521
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,319
(needle scratching on record)
522
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,799
(Air blowing)
523
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,195
(Stops)
Teenage girl: So embarrassing!
524
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:38,843
Younger girl: Shut up!
(Shouting continues)
525
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,708
I'm coming!
526
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:42,337
Announcer: Better things.
527
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,512
All new Thursdays
at 10:00 on fx.
528
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,749
(R & b)
529
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:57,318
(Continues)
530
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:07,866
(Loud chewing)
531
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:10,635
Mmm.
532
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,009
(Crunching)
533
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:21,107
Wait. Breakfast
is still on you, right?
(Crunching continues)
534
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,653
Announcer:
American horror story roanoke.
535
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:29,793
All new, wednesdays at 10:00.
536
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,519
Only on fx.
537
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:36,463
(Growling, faint)
538
00:21:37,930 --> 00:21:39,560
(Snarling)
539
00:21:39,565 --> 00:21:43,325
Announcer: The strain,
all new Sundays at 10:00 on fx.