- Hey. - What the hell are you doing?
I was hungry. Taste.
- Carbonara. - You don't have to tell me.
So good.
So...
Can we talk about the man that was in your bed?
Mom, what is the big deal? Jason sleeps over all the time.
Not the same. This kid was old.
Don't treat me like a baby. You can't stop me from having agency over myself.
I know you think I'm an idiot, but I swear to you
that I know more about boys and men than you do right now.
Says the woman who hasn't had a single successful relationship
during my entire lifetime.
I'm okay with that.
Mom, I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help you.
So can we please talk about the Hinge profile that I made you?
We need to have the talk, okay?
A discussion about this, about the boy in your bed.
It doesn't have to be today, but
we're gonna have a talk.
You and I need to have a discussion, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Mom, in a few years, my sisters and I will all have moved out,
and you'll just be dating Gran.
So we need to find you a man who's responsible enough to take care of you
if you break a hip or something
but still immature enough with you to play pranks.
God, just make sure he has a job and nice teeth.
Got me.
When we're married, I want you to make this for me once a week.
I'm never getting married again. I don't believe in marriage.
Neither do I.
- Jesus. - Lock the doors, shelter in place.
Oh, my God! Man!
I called the police about the helicopters.
There's a robbery suspect running around the hills.
- You gave me a heart attack, Phil. - Oh, how lovely.
Is this a late night bite, or an early morning biadh-maidne?
Her nibs made it. I want to put some of this chili... Can you do this?
- I'm so sorry you've got that. - It's fine.
My mother had bad hands, too.
Blame her. And me, I suppose.
If I ever get the impulse to strike up conversation
with complete strangers everywhere I go,
I will 100% hold it against you, Sam.
Great. Now I have something else to be anxious about.
Mom.
Aside from now... do you ever get anxiety?
What's the point of that?
That must come from the Jewish side of your family.
Anxiety? Useless emotion.
It's a good thing we took that DNA test,
because sometimes I really doubt we're related.
Oh, we most certainly are.
After your brother ripped me wide open with his ridiculously large head,
I simply refused to have an episiotomy with you.
Well, good thing I probably slipped right out because
tiny, and you being all primed and all.
Oh, no. They had to break your collar bone to get you out.
You screamed bloody murder.
If you think about it, Sam, it was either your collar bone or her vagina.
Kind of like Sophie's Choice but with body parts.
Jesus!
INSTAGRAN
I just want to say, if you take any nudes of yourself,
they will last forever on the interwebs, so best not to take them.
And it becomes everyone else's property.
Although, I had an extremely beautiful body when I was young,
so it doesn't matter much to me. And see here, I don't have dowager's hump.
My sister has one, and you're getting one. See there?
- Jesus, I am? - Well, sit up straight, I've told you.
God, I feel it.
Okay, back on track.
- Phil. - What?
What if your brain starts becoming like sand through a sifter,
and I don't know enough things?
- Like what? - Like anything.
Like, do you have something hidden anywhere?
Did you ever keep a journal? Any kind of secrets that you need to tell me?
Anything practical.
Well, Frankie and Duke have my pin numbers, my cash, my passwords,
they key to my safe deposit box.
What? They do?
And if my brain becomes like sand through a sifter,
then take me out the back, shoot me straight away, burn me,
and then sprinkle my ashes across the seven corners of the seven seas.
That sounds easy.
Also, your father might not be your father.
But we'll know that from the DNA test, won't we?
Cut.
It's special here, isn't it? None of those mall sheep.
And, of course, we've always got good product
'cause the Jews give back to themselves.
Of course, it's high-end stuff.
I just come here on Tuesday and Thursdays
to give my son's wife a break from me.
There's that man again.
- Better watch him. - I'll handle it.
How might I be able to help you?
You should get rid of every movie made recently. They're all garbage.
Well, you're entitled to your opinion. It's a free country.
Arguable. These say a buck apiece.
I'm not paying more than 50 cents for anything made after 1979,
'cause they're all crap.
The prices are as marked, but if your budget won't stretch,
I'd be happy to cover the difference, because
I happen to have a very famous, extremely wealthy daughter
who takes care of me.
Who's your daughter?
Cate Blanchett.
All right, let me give you a card.
- Take a couple. - Thank you.
- "Morty Mandelbaum." - Morty.
- Morty. Sorry. - Yeah. Yeah, I'm SAG.
Oh, interesting. I'll give this to my daughter. If I don't use it myself...
See this?
They cut me out of it.
Okay, everyone, ten minutes till closing.
Excuse me.
Ah, I see you found lots of bargains.
Well, I like to put my money where my mouth is.
Oh, well, I don't remember these being half off.
This is Prada! This is definitely not half price.
Oh, really? I don't know how that happened.
Sorry, mis-marked, I hadn't realized.
My fault.
Look. How charming.
- I love you, Duke. - Mom!
Sorry. Cute!
- Bye, now. - Okay. Bye. I'm Duke's mom.
You're gonna close the thing.
She's one of those.
We will start with our pliés. Two demi, one grand, all positions.
And... plié.
And plié.
And five, six, seven, eight.
Long neck. Small head.
That's good for a ballerina.
And you are going to need to add swimming and Pilates to dance class.
What happened to your leg?
Soccer.
Soccer places extreme rotational stress on your knees,
as well as your ligaments, so you're going to have to choose.
Ballet or soccer.
Hi.
Oh, wow.
That's really good.
What?
It's a simple question. Have you gotten your period yet, yes or no?
Yes.
That means you won't grow much more.
Please tell me you hated it.
- No. I want to stay in class. - What?
- Serious? - And I'm quitting soccer.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi, so...
So I got you an appointment at the gynecologist.
It's really, like, a nurse practitioner there, but they're really... cool.
- Mom. Oh, God. - What?
Oh, God. I'm not even close to be doing that.
I don't even want to be doing that.
Okay, well, so I made you an appointment on Friday.
Fine. Can you please just...
- Fine. - God!
I'm good with "fine." I'm fine with "fine."
Fine.
- Friday's fine. - Fine.
I'm leaving.
God!
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
I'm Rozalia and this is my husband Costin.
Thank you for coming. Nice to meet you.
So, you guys are a handy couple? That is so cool!
- Yeah, we work together. - Yes.
You go and relax, and we will take care of everything.
Okay, sure.
Costin, get the tools.
- Come on in. - Thank you.
I'll leave it unlocked for you.
So,
wow, you do hard labor until you labor.
This is my sixth child. I go till I pop.
- Yeah, I know this house. - You do?
A famous silent film actress lived here once.
My grandmother showed it to me, very many years ago.
Really? What actress?
I don't remember her name, but something happened. Something terrible.
- My daughter sees ghosts. - I'm not surprised.
Every time.
The dinner party guests wanted to play hide and go seek.
Let's play... Hide and Seek!
In the dark.
And then they heard a...
And it all happened right
here.
Holy shit.
You know, none of the dogs will ever step on that spot.
That's so true!
She's the one that sees the ghosts, then, yes?
Oh, they all have the shine.
What, Mom?
Not Mom.
Have to sand around here, too. Yeah?
Oh, you like tarot.
- You want to see the Romani way? - Sure.
We're going to do a banishing spell.
You see ghosts, no?
Don't, don't, don't say that word. Say "spirit."
I'm sorry. I spit, too.
- You see spirits. - How'd you know that?
- I know many things. - Also, your mother told her.
Why do you carry all that stuff?
'Cause you never know what kind of house you're gonna walk into.
What kind of dark things you're going to find, like in this house...
Rozalia, stop.
Don't worry, little girl. This house is fine.
Just old and leaky.
It is not good to lie to protect the young. She knows, anyway.
She already has the gift. Yeah?
Hey, Sam. Where do you want me next?
Oh, garbage disposal. It's always jammed. Thank you.
- How about I teach you how to fix? - Yes!
- You want a bowl of chili? - Yes!
- Oh, no. Please don't put that there. - Sorry.
Can you just take it outside? Yeah. Please take it outside.
No offense. I have a mental... I have a thing.
- No problem. - I really don't like that.
Push the reset button.
Now put the Allen wrench in the middle and turn the grinder ring.
Now turn it on.
Yes! I did a boy thing! Yes!
This is good.
Put some of the sour cream on and the cheese and the pepper.
I wish my wife could cook like this.
I could teach her. I could teach her how to make this one.
- You teach her, I teach you how to fix. - There you go.
We can give each other fishing poles.
I'm being, like, super careful on these steps now.
Oh, I have good news and bad news. Bad news is, maybe mold.
So what's the good news?
Good news is this is not the house of the dead hide and seek lady.
That is the house next door.
You're my first, Frankie. You know, Max just went without telling me, so...
Tell me you're not gonna cry like you did when I got my training wheels off.
Okay!
I'm so sorry. I love you so much. Monsters in the Moonlight is awesome.
Thank you.
I was in about 30 other things that were better than that.
Frankie Fox?
- What the fuck are you doing? - I...
- Yeah. Her first time? - Yep.
One of those really special mother-daughter moments,
with her in there and me out here.
Well, count your blessings.
My 15-year-old daughter just got Chlamydia for the third time.
Yeah. My daughters are sluts. I'm in here every other week.
I am raising some sluts.
Yep.
Sorry.
Do you have anything new coming out?
Just...
You know, stuff here and there. I actuallly...
I will be right back.
I just got my period for the first time in two years.
- How was it? - Good. Let's go.
In here.
Oh, my God. Alright. Let's go.
Mom, have you checked your Hinge at all?
My what? No. I'm a vol-cel.
- You got likes. - I did?
- Yeah. - Anybody good?
Let's see.
This guy looks, like, really intense. Like a grown up man kind of person.
- Like a dad. - Let me see.
Ew!
Over four million refugees have already left war-torn Gandea.
A vast amount of the refugees reaching Europe are men,
while the women and children are left behind in encampments.
This report has found out that once they reach safety,
a majority of the men have chosen not to return,
leaving their wives and children voluntarily.
Our international correspondent...
You want to get Pinkberry?
- What? - You want to get Pinkberry?
- Yeah! - Me, too.
I got as bottle of hot honey in the glove compartment.
- Of course you do. - Yes!