Woman: Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
Uh, I know it seems crowded,
but it only took me 40 minutes to get my last drink.
Is that all?
Hey, let me get yours.
It'll make me feel better about being in line for just a Coke.
You don't drink?
No, I quit a few years ago after I shit my pants at my sister's wedding.
[laughs] Okay. Thank you. That'll be--
- No, I'll get it. - No, it's fine.
Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.
Okay.
I'll have a margarita.
I've never had casual sex with a sober person before.
You've got a really nice room.
Thank you. I got upgraded.
Yeah? Oh, shit.
Oh, God. [laughing]
That was really unnecessary.
- You don't have a hairy back. - Neither do you.
I was all psyched up to deal with a hairy back.
I have hairy balls.
Whoa.
Oh, what the fuck?
- Oh, Jesus. - Oh, shit!
I'm sorry.
Uh--
That was exciting.
Hi.
Hey.
I was just sneaking out.
Okay.
[laughs] So, um, when do you go back?
- Thursday. - Well, that's--
Do you want to have dinner?
Um... do you want to have dinner?
Yeah. That's why I asked.
Okay. Um, do you have a wife or anything?
- No. - No.
Okay, well, I'll just-- I'll write down my number.
You know what, that's my work visa so if you--
Doesn't matter.
Okay.
Great.
And I noticed that you took some things from the bathroom,
and that's fine,
but could you leave the toothpaste?
No, I didn't take any tooth-- Oh, shit, I did, yeah.
Sorry.
It's just small and cute.
Um, so you should probably open a window
'cause it really stinks in here. Okay?
♪♪[vocalizing]
Keep the change.
That dinner was really nice.
The lamb was exceptional.
♪♪[vocalizing]
[no audible dialog]
So, what time's your flight?
7:30.
- 7:30. - Yeah.
So, listen, I wanted to say that
I know this wasn't anything serious and it was just a bit of fun--
This wasn't serious?
No, when I say it wasn't serious, I'm--
Goofin' you, bro.
Yeah. Okay.
Go on. No, carry on.
You were saying this was just a bit of fun.
I want you to know that I'm gonna look back on my time with you,
and remember you as an extraordinarily good smelling woman
with a magical ass, and you're smart,
so you could even get away with being less attractive,
and you'd still be fairly attractive.
[laughing]
Fuck.
Wow. Okay. Um,
I'll remember you as a sturdy love maker
with a massive chin,
who was really kind to waiters and taxi drivers,
which suggests you might actually be a good person.
What time is it?
It's 4:30.
[grunting]
Really, seriously, you have to go faster.
[groaning]
[laughing]
Man: So, I thought it was fine if I asked you out
- because you're a temp. - Right.
Um, if you worked with us permanently,
this wouldn't be appropriate,
but you're a temp so we just won't hire you again.
[laughs] Okay. You're funny.
So, tell me something about you.
Well, um, I'm doing my Master's at Boston University in--
[phone ringing]
I'm sorry. This is my mom.
She's calling me back 'cause I called her 'cause it's her birthday.
Oh.
Hey, so great to hear from you.
I'm sorry that I haven't called,
but I have some good news.
I'm gonna be in London in April.
I'm pregnant.
Did you just say pregnant?
Yeah, I said pregnant. Do you want me to say it again?
Pregnant.
Well, how?
I don't understand. I mean, h-how--
Well, I think it's because, you know, we had sex
like 25 times in a week and you wore a condom maybe twice.
- Twice of those times. - Why did you let me do that?
I don't know, because--
I was drunk the first--
And even though I wasn't drunk most of the other times,
there was a precedent there that you just took complete advantage of.
What do you want to do?
I want to build a time machine out of your fucking carcass,
and go back and make it un-happen.
- Do you want me to come over sooner? - No!
Yeah. I don't know.
I just-- I don't know what you do when you get pregnant by a stranger,
I don't know the etiquette.
I'm not a stranger.
I'm-- I'm a familiar acquaintance.
A-- a friend who helped you make a mistake,
but will now help you...
figure it out. Okay?
Is your mom okay?
Huh?
Oh.
No.
She's pregnant.
[laughs]
So, why don't you tell me a little bit about you now.
Oh, shit.
Hi.
I wasn't sure you'd recognize me.
It only says Rob because I don't know your surname.
It's Norris.
It's-- it's Norris.
Mine's Morris.
Morris and Norris.
Well, at least that's fuckin' ridiculous.
You just don't think that stuff like this'll happen.
What, that repeated sexual intercourse between two healthy adults
will do the exact thing it's supposed to do?
Have you ever done a science class?
Do you know how to read?
I'm sorry. I-- I--
I'm not pregnant and you are,
and it's because of me,
but if you're gonna have this baby, then--
Who says I'm gonna have it?
Well, how old are you?
Look, the good news is is that we're reasonably good people,
so we could probably do this and not fuck the kid up too horribly.
I'm just saying a terrible thing has happened,
let's make the best of it.
So, where are you staying?
I'm joking.
You can stay in my spare room.
I'm joking. I'm a teacher.
I don't have a spare room.
Do you want some?
Sure.
[bell ringing]
Hello. Do you know if Miss Morris is finished with her classes?
Is she under arrest?
No. I'm just waiting.
- Are you American? - Yes, I am.
- Do you know Barack Obama? - No, I don't.
Do you know his daughters?
I know Sasha but I don't know Malia.
How do you know them if you don't know Barack Obama?
I don't know them.
- Are you a basketball player? - No.
Why are you waving at Miss Morris?
Because she's my girlfriend.
Is her hair a wig?
Uh, I don't think so.
Do you know she's pregnant?
What? What did you just say?
She's pregnant.
Oh, yeah. I knew that.
Are you a basketball player?
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
D-- Do that in the car.
Okay.
So, got yourself some fans here.
We're not his fans.
I thought you were someone special.
I am special.
Rob: So, is this just a regular scan?
Sharon: Yeah, well, I can find out the sex this time if I want.
Well, you know, do we want to?
I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a surprise?
Well, um, Rob, it is Rob, isn't it?
'Cause I only met you about 20 minutes ago,
and now I'm pregnant with your baby,
so for the moment I would like a whisper of certainty in my life.
Not even in my life.
In my body.
Right, now in reviewing your pap smear,
we found an abnormality.
It's nothing to worry too much about yet,
but you've got what's called cervical dysplasia.
What the hell is that?
Strictly speaking, it's what we call a pre-cancer.
Cancer?
Pre-cancer.
Frankly, I hate that it has the word cancer attached to it,
because it isn't cancer,
but it's sort of next door to cancer.
What is she saying?
That you do not have cancer.
Yeah, but she said cancer, like, eight times.
Yeah, doctor, you have said cancer rather a lot.
Like more than you would hear in a casual conversation
that isn't about cancer.
Yes, and I'm sorry, but while again, you do not have cancer,
you do have a situation that we need to monitor closely
so that it doesn't become cancer.
That's two more times she said it,
that's two more cancers.
All it means is that you'll come in here
a little more frequently than you would have otherwise
so that we can take a look-see at your cervix
and make sure it remains in the cancer free state it's currently in.
Do you have pamphlets?
Yes, we have pamphlets.
I'm gonna get us some pamphlets.
Right, let's shift gears a little bit, shall we,
and take a look at the baby.
Okay.
No, we go in through the tummy for this one.
Okay.
Here we are.
Heartbeat.
Beautiful. Nice and strong.
Here's the spine.
Exquisite.
Ooh, there's something. Do you recognize that, Mommy?
Is that the cancer?
Very funny, no. That's a little penis.
- Oh, God. - Congratulations,
you're gonna have a baby boy.
She said it's statistically unlikely
to become full cancer.
So just-- just half cancer, then.
Just a gentle little half cancer like you get?
Do you think it's 'cause I'm old?
It's because I'm old, isn't it?
No, it isn't. You're not old.
Oh, God, I want to smoke a cigarette.
Will you get one and just smoke it and blow it on me?
Well, just have a cigarette if you want one.
- Yeah? - But put your wine down.
May I have a cigarette?
Thank you so much.
I'm just gonna smoke this. Not even the whole thing,
I'm just gonna have a few puffs,
and then I'm just never gonna do it again.
- It's fine. - That's all right, isn't it?
Have a few puffs and then never do it again.
Absolutely.
God, that's delicious.
[knocking]
Oh, for fuck's sake, take that.
Hi. [laughs]
Fuck.
- Hi, I thought that was you. - Hey, you.
Well, is it true?
You pregnant?
A little bit.
Sorry, this is Rob. He's my, um--
- Boyfriend. - Yeah.
Yeah, and he's the father of the--
This is Fran, she's an old pal.
Great to meet you, Rob.
Great to meet you.
Great to see you, too, stranger.
So--
- You have to come over for dinner. - Yeah.
Chris would love to see you.
Definitely.
We should.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that'd be great.
What are you doing this Saturday night?
Saturday?
Um...
Well, actually, we've just had some news--
No, we haven't.
- I was just gonna tell her-- - No, we don't.
That's not-- Yes, we'd love to.
Great. Well, we can catch up then.
Yeah. You're still in the--
Still in the same big house, yeah.
Saturday night. 7:00. Don't be late.
All right.
Rob.
Oh.
She seems nice.
She's a cunt.
Sharon: Oh, God, my feet are too swollen for these boots.
Did you see the size of them?
Rob: Yeah, they look like little Hobbit feet.
Sharon: Fuck off.
I meant to ask you. Uh, why did you call her a cunt?
I shouldn't have called her a cunt.
She's more of a bitch.
Why is she a bitch?
She's one of these people where, like,
everything has gone her way.
You know, and she thinks she did it, but it was luck.
You know, I just wish one bad thing would happen to her,
Like, I don't want her to get hit by a bus or anything, but,
you know, maybe if she got arrested for tax fraud
or if her dad got caught with child porn or something.
You know? Just to knock the smug out of her.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, totally.
Oh, and don't mention the pre-cancer.
Okay? If you need to talk about something,
then-then talk about the weather or the meal,
or, you know, other meals you've enjoyed.
- So, meals. - Yeah.
[ringing]
So, do I look fat?
No. Except for your belly.
Then your tits.
My tits are fat?
Your tits are fat and beautiful.
- Welcome. - Hi.
Come in. Come in.
Shoes go here.
Oh. That's a good spot for shoes.
We keep a shoe free home.
Oh. Gotcha.
Actually, do you mind if I keep mine on?
It's just my feet are really swollen from--
Well, you can, but you'll be the only one with shoes on.
So if you're okay with that, then I am. [laughs]
Okay, just--
This is a delicious meal.
Thank you.
Well, it's all Chris's work.
He's the cook around here. Aren't you, Chris?
Where's Jeffrey tonight?
He's in bed.
He has to get up at 4:00 because he's filming in the morning.
Our son's a thespian now.
Really?
Mm.
When did that happen?
- I thought you knew. - No, I didn't know.
Oh, that's funny. I thought you knew.
Anyway, this is his third film.
Filmed a scene with Patrick Stewart last week.
Such a lovely man.
Total flirt.
Well, good for-- good for Jeffrey.
It's good for all of us. He's coinin' it in.
Yeah?
Great.
This is a delicious meal.
[laughs]
So, tell me, are you planning on a natural birth?
Uh, I don't know. I'm just--
see what the pain's like, maybe take it from there.
Really? I really think you should consider a natural birth.
My cousin Sheila, she had all the pain medication going,
oxytocin, pethedine, she had the epidural.
- Didn't turn out well. - Really?
What happen-- What happened to the baby?
Oh, no, the baby's fine.
But my cousin had a massive stroke.
She has to use one of those wheelchairs
that you blow into to make it move.
Jesus.
That's actually why we should have more than one kid.
What?
Well, just all the shit that can go wrong.
I mean, birth's a risky thing.
There's a reason people had 11 kids in the olden days.
If one or two of 'em died, you still had leftovers.
Plus, only children are weirdoes.
I'm an only child.
There are exceptions.
My son's an only child.
More than one exception.
But, you know, this is a delicious meal.
This is the best meal I've had in some time.
Uh, do you remember that meal we had Tuesday?
- I do. - Because this is better.
- This meal-- - Yeah.
I'm going for a cigarette.
Really? Do you really have to?
Yep.
Rob, do you smoke?
No, I don't.
Did you quit?
- Oh, because you saw-- - Rob, just go for a cigarette.
Okey dokey.
Sorry about that.
I hope I didn't upset Fran.
Oh, don't worry about it.
She'll wank off to that for a week.
She loves to get angry at people.
You did her a favor.
Can I give you some advice, Rob?
Uh, maybe. About what?
When Sharon goes into labor,
jump on a plan, go back to Wisconsin,
or wherever it is you're from,
and skip the whole delivery.
I saw my son comin' out.
It was a fuckin' war zone.
- Fran: Just put it in there, he'll do it later. - Sharon: Such a nice kitchen.
You know they shit when they give birth?
Uh, I've heard that.
Yeah, well, I've seen it.
I wouldn't want that for you.
You'll never be able to forgive her.
Forgive her?
You see a little troll come tobogganing out of your wife's snatch
on a wave of turds,
and part of you will hold her responsible.
This is my first cigarette in ten years.
You haven't smoked in ten years?
Well, don't start now. Give me that.
No, no.
No, no. Don't.
I do this now.
He's a big one. Isn't he?
Rob? Yeah.
Is he... big all over?
Um, yeah. Well, you know, he's in proportion.
What's that like?
Does it hurt?
[laughs] No, I mean--
I mean, he's proportional. I wasn't, you know--
Is he circumcised?
Most American men are, I've heard.
Yeah, yeah, he is.
What's that like?
Well, it's the same basic deal, really, you just--
I mean, what does it feel like?
Sorry, what does my boyfriend's penis feel like?
You okay?
Yeah, just a little dizzy.
Oh, dear.
You know, I get a little bit anemic myself sometimes,
and whenever I feel weak,
I just take a tincture of helonias or some arsenicum if that's all I've got,
and I perk right up.
What-- You do what?
It's a homeopathic remedy.
Oh. No, thanks.
- Why not? - It's not real.
Yeah, it is.
No. No, it's not.
Well, I think it is.
Oh, yeah. I was on the tube today and I saw a guy with no legs,
so I prescribed him three drops of doodly doodle-oo,
and his legs grew back.
[snickering]
Rob, Fran's a homeopath.
Well, you could have told me that in my pre-dinner briefing.
Yeah, I think a lot of people don't actually realize
that there are alternatives out there that really do work.
My guru Alan, he cured himself of prostate cancer last year
with walnuts.
- Oh, give me a break. - Pardon!
What did he do, jam them up his asshole?
I'm sorry, you're coming into my house--
I don't mean to rip into your beliefs in your own home,
but we just received some news about Sharon that is not good,
and if I thought for a second that I could just
rub a blueberry on her vagina and fix her I would,
but I can't because it's bullshit!
I think you should leave!
I have cancer.
No, you don't. She's lying.
I think we pulled it back at the end.
It was good of you to ask Chris for the recipe for that tagine.
I thought about asking them to wake their kid up
so I could get his autograph.
You should have. She'd have loved that.
Oh.
I'm really sorry about tonight.
Don't be. They're awful.
And actually I was really touched
to see you go apeshit at someone for me.
Well, I'm scared.
Of the not-cancer cancer?
Of everything.
I mean, you're pregnant,
you might be sick,
and I don't know what I'm doing.
You know, my shit's still in a suitcase.
Am I a part of your life or not?
I mean, are we doing this for real or not?
Well, I don't know.
I think you should marry me.
[laughs] What?
Are you mental?
Marry me and find out.
Why?
I mean, I literally don't know who you are.
I mean, seriously.
Who are you? Do you have a middle name?
Can you ride a horse? Did a priest ever fiddle with you?
These are things I don't know.
Clifford. Yes. And no.
But a nun did stay in the room with me
when I changed out of dirty underpants once.
[laughs]
Oh, God.
Oh, aren't you supposed to fall in love first?
Well, my mom sent me an article
about a study on arranged marriages versus love marriages,
and they found that fewer arranged marriages end in divorce than real ones.
Is that because they end in suicide?
I don't know, I didn't read the whole article.
Also, you'll need to marry me so I can stay in the country.
Oh, God.
You don't have to be part of its life, you know.
I'm not expecting anything.
Except money.
Maybe a bit of money.
So I just write a check every month and leave it at that?
Fuck that.
I didn't know my father, and it sucked.
This kid gets a dad.
Oh, God, you don't have to be so American about it.
Fine.
[grunting]
Oh, God, hurry up, I'm not gonna come.
[groans]
[sighs]
How did my vagina feel?
It felt great.
Yeah? Well, make the most of it,
'cause it's not gonna feel like that for much longer.
Not after your big-headed son scrums his way out of it.
If it helps, I dated a woman a few years ago,
and she'd had a couple of kids,
and her vagina was crazy tight.
I mean, like teenager tight.
It was amazing.
How do you know what a teenager's vagina feels like?
'Cause I used to be a teenager.
[laughs]
And I-- I didn't-- It didn't feel cancer-y?
No, it didn't feel cancer-y,
because you really, sincerely don't have cancer.
In fact, I want us to get a second opinion.
Doctors make mistakes all the time.
You know, they told my brother when he was ten
that he had polio,
but it turns out he was just clumsy.
They probably told another kid he was clumsy,
and then he died of polio.
Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yeah, well, you might have to cross that bridge alone
because I'll be dead.
That's the spirit.
♪♪[vocalizing]