1 00:00:05,963 --> 00:00:06,883 - Are you working here? - Yes. 2 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:08,203 I work for a U.S. advertising firm, 3 00:00:08,243 --> 00:00:10,163 and I'm opening a London office. 4 00:00:10,203 --> 00:00:11,803 This is Fran. She's an old pal. 5 00:00:11,843 --> 00:00:13,523 Great to meet you, Rob. 6 00:00:13,563 --> 00:00:15,163 My guru Allan, 7 00:00:15,203 --> 00:00:17,283 he cured himself of prostate cancer 8 00:00:17,323 --> 00:00:18,643 last year with walnuts. 9 00:00:18,683 --> 00:00:20,803 What did he do, jam them up his asshole? 10 00:00:20,843 --> 00:00:22,643 - I think you should leave! - I have cancer. 11 00:00:25,203 --> 00:00:26,203 Hey. 12 00:00:27,523 --> 00:00:29,003 Hey, you awake? 13 00:00:29,043 --> 00:00:30,723 Uh-uh. 14 00:00:30,763 --> 00:00:32,683 Can I talk to you? 15 00:00:32,723 --> 00:00:33,763 Okay. 16 00:00:33,803 --> 00:00:35,243 Can you open your eyes? 17 00:00:35,283 --> 00:00:37,763 Listen, I know it's hard when you can't sleep, 18 00:00:37,803 --> 00:00:41,683 but I was asleep, and don't you think it's good if one of us sleeps? 19 00:00:41,723 --> 00:00:44,123 No. I think it's good if you make me feel better 20 00:00:44,163 --> 00:00:45,403 and then both of us sleep. 21 00:00:45,443 --> 00:00:47,603 I don't agree, but okay. 22 00:00:50,443 --> 00:00:52,563 I keep getting very horny and very depressed 23 00:00:52,603 --> 00:00:54,843 at the exact same moment. It's awful. 24 00:00:54,883 --> 00:00:56,523 That sounds like hormones. 25 00:00:56,563 --> 00:00:58,243 What if something happens to the baby? 26 00:00:58,283 --> 00:00:59,683 Nothing's going to happen to the baby. 27 00:00:59,723 --> 00:01:01,163 What if he has a weird-shaped head? 28 00:01:01,203 --> 00:01:02,563 What if he needs to wear one of those special helmets? 29 00:01:02,603 --> 00:01:05,483 You should be thankful they even do helmets now. 30 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:08,043 In the old days, if your baby had a weird-shaped head, 31 00:01:08,083 --> 00:01:10,043 he just grew into a man with a weird-shaped head. 32 00:01:10,083 --> 00:01:11,443 What if you die? 33 00:01:11,483 --> 00:01:13,443 I had a full checkup right before I came over here. 34 00:01:13,483 --> 00:01:14,563 Do you have life insurance? 35 00:01:14,603 --> 00:01:16,283 No, but I'll get some. 36 00:01:16,323 --> 00:01:18,563 We'll get you life insurance, too. 37 00:01:18,603 --> 00:01:19,603 Okay. 38 00:01:21,043 --> 00:01:22,923 Not too big a policy for me, though. 39 00:01:22,963 --> 00:01:24,483 I don't want you to murder me to get the money. 40 00:01:24,523 --> 00:01:25,843 I'm not going to murder you. 41 00:01:25,883 --> 00:01:27,443 And when women get murdered, 42 00:01:27,483 --> 00:01:29,603 it's 85% of the time their husband that did it. 43 00:01:29,643 --> 00:01:31,403 They'd totally know it was me. 44 00:01:31,443 --> 00:01:33,443 Even if I wanted to kill you, I wouldn't kill you 45 00:01:33,483 --> 00:01:34,603 or have you killed. 46 00:01:34,643 --> 00:01:35,803 I won't kill you, either. 47 00:01:35,843 --> 00:01:37,083 Thanks, honey. 48 00:01:38,443 --> 00:01:40,163 I keep getting this recurring vision 49 00:01:40,203 --> 00:01:42,043 that I'm in a restaurant and I have to go to the loo 50 00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:44,203 but I take the wrong turn and I walk into the kitchen 51 00:01:44,243 --> 00:01:46,723 where an Italian chef is talking and gesticulating 52 00:01:46,763 --> 00:01:49,123 and the knife he's holding stops me and the baby... 53 00:01:49,163 --> 00:01:51,963 you know, because Italian people talk with their hands. 54 00:01:52,003 --> 00:01:53,443 Anything else? 55 00:01:53,483 --> 00:01:54,763 Yes. 56 00:01:54,803 --> 00:01:56,243 The world is a toilet. 57 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,883 You know, we might not kill each other. 58 00:01:57,923 --> 00:01:59,803 but that doesn't mean terrorists won't 59 00:01:59,843 --> 00:02:01,723 or that your government won't start another war tomorrow 60 00:02:01,763 --> 00:02:03,163 just fucking because. 61 00:02:03,203 --> 00:02:05,003 Well, you can't worry about everything. 62 00:02:05,043 --> 00:02:06,563 I mean, there's just too much. 63 00:02:06,603 --> 00:02:08,723 You know, there's Ebola and global warming-- 64 00:02:08,763 --> 00:02:10,203 Well, I'm worrying about all that, too. 65 00:02:10,243 --> 00:02:11,643 Well, we'll be fine, 66 00:02:11,683 --> 00:02:14,083 but you know who global warming will kill 67 00:02:14,123 --> 00:02:15,443 in our lifetime? 68 00:02:15,483 --> 00:02:17,443 Bangladeshis. 69 00:02:17,483 --> 00:02:19,323 Just millions of Bangladeshis. 70 00:02:19,363 --> 00:02:20,843 And who gives a shit about them? 71 00:02:20,883 --> 00:02:22,323 I mean, why can't there be, like, 72 00:02:22,363 --> 00:02:24,523 an airborne gout that just kills rich people? 73 00:02:24,563 --> 00:02:26,083 I'd like to wake up to news 74 00:02:26,123 --> 00:02:27,763 that Monaco had been wiped out 75 00:02:27,803 --> 00:02:29,443 by an avalanche of poorly built palaces. 76 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,683 I think we're getting a little bit off-- 77 00:02:30,723 --> 00:02:32,123 And do you know what percentage 78 00:02:32,163 --> 00:02:33,803 of greenhouse gases Bangladesh produces? 79 00:02:33,843 --> 00:02:36,003 - No. - Roughly zero, okay? 80 00:02:36,043 --> 00:02:38,323 But Bangladesh is being eaten by the ocean 81 00:02:38,363 --> 00:02:40,363 while we drive Range Rovers to the mall 82 00:02:40,403 --> 00:02:41,923 to buy underpants that were stitched 83 00:02:41,963 --> 00:02:44,363 by a 7-year-old who literally in 2015 84 00:02:44,403 --> 00:02:45,563 is an indentured servant. 85 00:02:45,603 --> 00:02:47,123 Let's just say slave, okay? 86 00:02:47,163 --> 00:02:49,043 Because their life is shit in a ditch. 87 00:02:49,083 --> 00:02:51,003 It's not even shit in a toilet. 88 00:02:51,043 --> 00:02:52,723 Yeah, well, it won't get fixed 89 00:02:52,763 --> 00:02:54,563 by some whining idiot lying in bed 90 00:02:54,603 --> 00:02:56,523 lecturing a pregnant woman, will it? 91 00:02:58,483 --> 00:02:59,803 Night-night. 92 00:03:02,803 --> 00:03:04,523 Yeah, sleep tight, asshole. 93 00:03:04,563 --> 00:03:06,203 [laughing] 94 00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:14,083 Hello. This Rob? 95 00:03:14,123 --> 00:03:15,803 Hey, Tony. How you doing? 96 00:03:15,843 --> 00:03:18,763 Okay. So how's things in London town? 97 00:03:18,803 --> 00:03:20,403 Really great. Really working out. 98 00:03:20,443 --> 00:03:21,723 Are Greg and Mark joining us? 99 00:03:21,763 --> 00:03:23,243 Yeah, I'm here. 100 00:03:23,283 --> 00:03:26,323 I had to sneak off for a call with the Crocs guys. 101 00:03:26,363 --> 00:03:29,363 Sounds to me like they're having trouble maintaining Europe, 102 00:03:29,403 --> 00:03:31,243 and I'm like, "Baby, that's because 103 00:03:31,283 --> 00:03:33,843 "European people aren't exclusively fat idiots 104 00:03:33,883 --> 00:03:36,123 who wear Day-Glo rubber clogs," you know? 105 00:03:36,163 --> 00:03:37,403 They have fat idiots here. 106 00:03:37,443 --> 00:03:38,603 Less, though, right? 107 00:03:38,643 --> 00:03:40,563 Yeah, in general. Yeah, Rob, 108 00:03:40,603 --> 00:03:42,163 got a bit of an echo there. 109 00:03:42,203 --> 00:03:43,923 Could you move closer to the speaker phone? 110 00:03:43,963 --> 00:03:44,963 Oh, yeah. Sorry. 111 00:03:47,643 --> 00:03:48,923 Is Greg going to join us? 112 00:03:48,963 --> 00:03:50,083 Uh, no, he isn't. 113 00:03:50,123 --> 00:03:52,843 Listen, Rob, you sitting down? 114 00:03:52,883 --> 00:03:54,283 Yes. 115 00:03:54,323 --> 00:03:56,603 Greg had a stroke Friday night, 116 00:03:56,643 --> 00:03:57,963 a pretty bad one, man. 117 00:03:58,003 --> 00:04:00,043 - He's in a coma. - Oh, my God. 118 00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:01,243 Is Ellen okay? 119 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:02,283 Not really. 120 00:04:02,323 --> 00:04:03,323 It's pretty fucked up. 121 00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:04,363 Christ. 122 00:04:04,403 --> 00:04:05,603 Just so awful. 123 00:04:05,643 --> 00:04:07,043 Listen, I hate to shift gears so abruptly, 124 00:04:07,083 --> 00:04:08,203 but can we get an update 125 00:04:08,243 --> 00:04:09,443 on what's shaking out over there? 126 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,803 It would be great to get a clearer idea 127 00:04:11,843 --> 00:04:13,323 of what you've been doing. 128 00:04:13,363 --> 00:04:14,563 You're making inroads. 129 00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:16,763 Oh, yeah, inroads, a lot. 130 00:04:16,803 --> 00:04:18,523 I mean, there's Jeff's Cola, 131 00:04:18,563 --> 00:04:21,963 which it looks like the supermarket chain Lidl 132 00:04:22,003 --> 00:04:23,603 are very keen to get behind. 133 00:04:25,523 --> 00:04:26,923 So that's Jeff's. 134 00:04:32,363 --> 00:04:34,563 Uh, I'm just opening a spreadsheet. 135 00:04:34,603 --> 00:04:36,843 Last week I met with, um... 136 00:04:38,803 --> 00:04:40,963 uh, Hanley's. 137 00:04:41,003 --> 00:04:43,123 They- They make pants for 138 00:04:43,163 --> 00:04:45,083 women who cook a lot. 139 00:04:45,123 --> 00:04:46,523 Chef women. 140 00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:48,963 They make women's chef's pants. 141 00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:51,683 Oh. So what kind of budget they got? 142 00:04:51,723 --> 00:04:53,323 It's such a great product 143 00:04:53,363 --> 00:04:56,083 that, really, the sky's the limit. 144 00:04:58,963 --> 00:05:01,483 Man, Greg. 145 00:05:01,523 --> 00:05:03,243 Yeah. Just awful. 146 00:05:03,283 --> 00:05:04,403 Let's circle back next week. 147 00:05:04,443 --> 00:05:06,363 I know Greg hated conference calls. 148 00:05:06,403 --> 00:05:07,923 Just want to make sure that you don't forget about us 149 00:05:07,963 --> 00:05:09,003 and become a beef sweeper. 150 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:10,723 Do you mean a Beefeater? 151 00:05:10,763 --> 00:05:13,123 Yeah. Take it easy, buddy. 152 00:05:13,163 --> 00:05:15,483 Okay. Thanks. Bye. 153 00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:17,123 Yeah. Bye. 154 00:05:18,803 --> 00:05:20,243 Sharon: How was your conference call? 155 00:05:20,283 --> 00:05:23,043 It was tough. One of the partners had a stroke. 156 00:05:23,083 --> 00:05:24,523 They still made him do the call? 157 00:05:24,563 --> 00:05:27,363 Good one. Good stroke joke. 158 00:05:27,403 --> 00:05:30,443 Well, I still have a job, which is a minor miracle. 159 00:05:30,483 --> 00:05:32,963 They sort of implied I need to up my game 160 00:05:33,003 --> 00:05:35,843 if I want them to keep funding my London office, though. 161 00:05:35,883 --> 00:05:37,923 Don't you own part of the company? 162 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,043 That's what you told me the first night you met me, 163 00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:42,803 unless you were lying to get into my knickers. 164 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,923 I own 2 1/2% of it, so not lying. 165 00:05:45,963 --> 00:05:48,163 And I seem to recall you saying you had a Ph.D. 166 00:05:48,203 --> 00:05:49,483 [laugh] 167 00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:51,763 Well, I-- I almost had half of one. 168 00:05:51,803 --> 00:05:53,603 And that you're a published writer. 169 00:05:56,203 --> 00:05:58,883 Anyway, up your game, like the guy said. 170 00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:00,843 Smarten up your act. You know, 171 00:06:00,883 --> 00:06:03,043 maybe buy a suit with normal-length arms. 172 00:06:03,083 --> 00:06:04,563 You're in London now. 173 00:06:04,603 --> 00:06:06,563 Do you think Clive Owen would wear that? 174 00:06:06,603 --> 00:06:09,443 I don't know. Would Kate Winslet wear 175 00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:14,363 a boy's yellow tweed fucking smoking jacket? 176 00:06:14,403 --> 00:06:16,803 I mean, what is that? 177 00:06:21,643 --> 00:06:23,123 Fran: That looks okay. 178 00:06:26,923 --> 00:06:29,603 Do you see the one on the mannequin over there? 179 00:06:29,643 --> 00:06:31,483 - Yes. - That little one like that? 180 00:06:31,523 --> 00:06:32,923 - Yes. - It doesn't match 181 00:06:32,963 --> 00:06:34,883 with that tie thing that's over there. 182 00:06:34,923 --> 00:06:36,803 - Have you got any gray shirts? - No gray. 183 00:06:36,843 --> 00:06:38,403 Why have you not got any gray? What is wrong? 184 00:06:38,443 --> 00:06:40,363 Really, do you think so? 185 00:06:40,403 --> 00:06:42,283 See, I think it's a neutral palette. 186 00:06:43,563 --> 00:06:45,403 Whoa! I'm sorry. 187 00:06:45,443 --> 00:06:46,803 Well, fuck me. 188 00:06:46,843 --> 00:06:48,483 Hey, Chris. 189 00:06:48,523 --> 00:06:50,603 Look, I'll step out, and-- 190 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,963 Don't be daft. Fran's out there. 191 00:06:53,003 --> 00:06:55,523 I know. That's why I ran in here. 192 00:06:55,563 --> 00:06:59,123 [laughing] You scared of my sweet little bride? 193 00:06:59,163 --> 00:07:00,723 No. I-- I just-- 194 00:07:00,763 --> 00:07:02,323 Oh, there's no shame in it. 195 00:07:02,363 --> 00:07:04,123 Well, for you. 196 00:07:06,163 --> 00:07:07,923 So... 197 00:07:07,963 --> 00:07:10,683 how are things treating you? You settling in okay? 198 00:07:10,723 --> 00:07:13,443 Yeah. Work is tough. 199 00:07:13,483 --> 00:07:16,203 I don't know anybody except for Sharon 200 00:07:16,243 --> 00:07:17,483 and this one guy Dave. 201 00:07:17,523 --> 00:07:19,163 We should go for a drink some time, 202 00:07:19,203 --> 00:07:20,123 catch a movie. 203 00:07:21,803 --> 00:07:23,603 I don't want you to be lonely. 204 00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:25,883 Yeah. Okay. Sure. 205 00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:28,283 Um, hey, what about Fran? 206 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,723 Would Fran be okay with that? 207 00:07:29,763 --> 00:07:31,523 No, she can't stand you. 208 00:07:31,563 --> 00:07:33,523 She hasn't been able to enjoy an episode of Mad Men 209 00:07:33,563 --> 00:07:35,883 since that night because you remind her of Harry. 210 00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:38,123 Harry? Are you sure she said Harry? 211 00:07:38,163 --> 00:07:39,643 - I mean, didn't she mean Don-- - [knock on door] 212 00:07:39,683 --> 00:07:42,123 Fran: How are those trousers, love? 213 00:07:42,163 --> 00:07:45,043 Yeah, they're a little bit short, sweetheart. 214 00:07:45,083 --> 00:07:47,283 Would you mind just grabbing me one size up? 215 00:07:47,323 --> 00:07:49,643 - Okay. - Thanks. 216 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,723 Call me. 217 00:07:53,763 --> 00:07:56,203 - No word to the wives. - Oh, shit, no. 218 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,043 Take a left out of here, two rights. 219 00:07:58,083 --> 00:08:00,003 Then you'll be in lingerie. You'll be safe there. 220 00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:01,363 Go now. Go. 221 00:08:24,043 --> 00:08:25,203 Get out of here. 222 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:26,523 You get out of here. 223 00:08:26,563 --> 00:08:28,963 I don't believe it. 224 00:08:29,003 --> 00:08:30,483 How are you? 225 00:08:30,523 --> 00:08:32,883 I'm great, thanks. How are you? 226 00:08:32,923 --> 00:08:34,163 Fine. 227 00:08:34,203 --> 00:08:35,883 I mean, I'm in shock right now, but good. 228 00:08:35,923 --> 00:08:37,403 Yeah. [laughing] 229 00:08:37,443 --> 00:08:38,523 What are you doing in my bookstore? 230 00:08:38,563 --> 00:08:40,283 What, you bought Archie's? 231 00:08:41,763 --> 00:08:42,683 No. 232 00:08:44,243 --> 00:08:46,083 - It's just nuts. - Uh-huh. 233 00:08:46,123 --> 00:08:48,243 What's new with you? Are you still doing your Ph.D.? 234 00:08:48,283 --> 00:08:49,923 - No. - Oh. 235 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,083 Nothing's new with me. 236 00:08:51,123 --> 00:08:52,363 What's new with you? 237 00:08:52,403 --> 00:08:55,723 A lot. Yeah. I mean, four years. 238 00:08:55,763 --> 00:08:57,443 A lot can-- 239 00:08:57,483 --> 00:08:59,123 Listen, I'm late to meet a person for lunch. 240 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,563 You're having lunch with a person? 241 00:09:00,603 --> 00:09:02,043 Yeah. But would you let me 242 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,883 buy you a cup of coffee some time? 243 00:09:03,923 --> 00:09:05,603 I don't drink coffee anymore. 244 00:09:05,643 --> 00:09:08,883 Oh. Okay. Um, maybe we could get something to eat. 245 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,563 Do you eat food anymore? 246 00:09:10,603 --> 00:09:12,283 All the time. Every meal. 247 00:09:12,323 --> 00:09:14,683 Well, great. Then we can really catch up. 248 00:09:14,723 --> 00:09:16,243 - Yeah. - I'll call you tomorrow. 249 00:09:16,283 --> 00:09:17,603 - Okay. - Okay. 250 00:09:17,643 --> 00:09:19,403 Great. Great. 251 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,603 - Oh. - Ha. 252 00:09:24,843 --> 00:09:26,123 - Yeah. - Okay, then. 253 00:09:26,163 --> 00:09:27,283 - Bye. - Bye. 254 00:09:28,683 --> 00:09:30,203 Oh, shit. 255 00:09:38,803 --> 00:09:40,083 Sharon! 256 00:09:41,483 --> 00:09:43,203 Fran. 257 00:09:43,243 --> 00:09:44,603 Hi. I-- I didn't-- 258 00:09:44,643 --> 00:09:47,283 - How are you? - Very well, thank you. 259 00:09:47,323 --> 00:09:49,963 Oh, I haven't seen you since the-- 260 00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:52,123 Oh, well, you know, water under the bridge now. 261 00:09:52,163 --> 00:09:53,603 - Is it? - It is. 262 00:09:53,643 --> 00:09:56,363 Oh. Well, you look great with the-- 263 00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:57,963 I hope I do. 264 00:09:58,003 --> 00:09:59,723 I just spent a minor fortune 265 00:09:59,763 --> 00:10:02,043 on a three-week rejuvenation retreat in Turks and Caicos. 266 00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:03,523 Really? 267 00:10:03,563 --> 00:10:05,123 How are things with you? 268 00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:08,043 Oh. Fine. You know, still riddled with pre-cancer, 269 00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:10,643 but the doctor says I'm probably just going to blow it all out 270 00:10:10,683 --> 00:10:12,803 during the trauma of childbirth, so that's-- 271 00:10:12,843 --> 00:10:14,723 that's a turn-up for the books. 272 00:10:14,763 --> 00:10:15,803 Yeah. 273 00:10:15,843 --> 00:10:17,443 Uh, how's old Jeffrey? 274 00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,363 Jeffrey? Oh, Jeffrey's wonderful. 275 00:10:19,403 --> 00:10:20,683 Aw. 276 00:10:20,723 --> 00:10:22,363 He started in a new series for ITV1. 277 00:10:22,403 --> 00:10:24,523 It's an adaptation of the Knights of Dorianbooks. 278 00:10:24,563 --> 00:10:26,003 Oh, God. 279 00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:27,363 Sorry? 280 00:10:27,403 --> 00:10:30,083 Oh. Sorry. No, I'm-- That's great. 281 00:10:30,123 --> 00:10:32,523 I just, uh, I hate those books. 282 00:10:32,563 --> 00:10:33,803 They're so shit, aren't they? 283 00:10:33,843 --> 00:10:37,883 No. No. I do not think they are shit. 284 00:10:37,923 --> 00:10:40,603 Well, I'm not saying the series will-- will be shit. 285 00:10:40,643 --> 00:10:42,363 I just-- just the books. 286 00:10:44,523 --> 00:10:45,563 And Chris, how's he? 287 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,323 Chris is great. 288 00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:52,843 I just bumped into Fran. 289 00:10:52,883 --> 00:10:54,283 - Really? - Yeah. 290 00:10:54,323 --> 00:10:55,603 You didn't see her? 291 00:10:55,643 --> 00:10:56,963 No. Wow. 292 00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,403 Did you get your new image? 293 00:10:58,443 --> 00:11:00,123 I did. Did you get your book? 294 00:11:00,163 --> 00:11:02,403 Yep. Shall we skedaddle? 295 00:11:02,443 --> 00:11:03,643 - Yeah. - Okay. 296 00:11:09,523 --> 00:11:10,483 Ugh. 297 00:11:14,483 --> 00:11:17,523 Wizards of fucking yore. 298 00:11:17,563 --> 00:11:18,803 [door closes] 299 00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:22,203 - Hey. - Hi. 300 00:11:22,243 --> 00:11:23,563 Hi. 301 00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:24,723 Mm. 302 00:11:24,763 --> 00:11:26,283 You okay? 303 00:11:26,323 --> 00:11:29,443 Yeah. I just heard a lot of no thank yous today. 304 00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:32,043 But they're so polite, you think you're hearing yeses 305 00:11:32,083 --> 00:11:33,763 until you replay it in your mind. 306 00:11:33,803 --> 00:11:36,763 And you know what? It's fucking rude to be that polite. 307 00:11:39,563 --> 00:11:41,483 - Do you want a tea? - Yeah, sure. 308 00:11:41,523 --> 00:11:43,043 How was school? 309 00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:45,203 Kept getting that weird feeling 310 00:11:45,243 --> 00:11:46,963 like I might cry or come. 311 00:11:47,003 --> 00:11:49,443 I had to go to the bathroom and have a, you know, 312 00:11:49,483 --> 00:11:51,483 have a wank by myself. 313 00:11:51,523 --> 00:11:53,483 It was awful. I mean, it was horrible. 314 00:11:53,523 --> 00:11:55,163 Do you want to talk about it? 315 00:11:55,203 --> 00:11:56,443 I don't know. I can't work out 316 00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,043 whether it's hormonal or-- or mental. 317 00:11:58,083 --> 00:11:59,443 No, I mean, 318 00:11:59,483 --> 00:12:01,203 do you want to tell me how you masturbated? 319 00:12:01,243 --> 00:12:02,483 Like, did you use both hands? 320 00:12:02,523 --> 00:12:04,443 Are you 14? 321 00:12:04,483 --> 00:12:07,083 Hey. Do you still have that feeling? 322 00:12:07,123 --> 00:12:10,043 Yeah, but, I mean, it's always there a bit. 323 00:12:10,083 --> 00:12:12,363 Well, the good news is right before I came into the flat, 324 00:12:12,403 --> 00:12:15,163 this woman was bending over to pick up her garbage cans, 325 00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:17,003 and I saw both her complete full breasts, 326 00:12:17,043 --> 00:12:18,523 so if you hadn't been home, 327 00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:20,483 I was going to have to jerk off. But since you are-- 328 00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:23,123 You know what? It's passed. 329 00:12:23,163 --> 00:12:25,843 [phone buzzing] 330 00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:28,843 Oh, it's Dave, that prick. 331 00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:30,283 Oh. 332 00:12:30,323 --> 00:12:31,963 I'm just going to-- 333 00:12:32,003 --> 00:12:34,323 Sure, Johnny One Mate. 334 00:12:36,003 --> 00:12:38,043 Yeah, I don't envy you 335 00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:39,843 having to build a book of business in a new country. 336 00:12:39,883 --> 00:12:41,123 It's a nightmare. 337 00:12:41,163 --> 00:12:43,563 Why don't you use this as an opportunity 338 00:12:43,603 --> 00:12:44,963 to start over? 339 00:12:45,003 --> 00:12:47,443 Fuck advertising. It's for ball bags. 340 00:12:47,483 --> 00:12:48,923 What do you really want to do? 341 00:12:48,963 --> 00:12:50,803 What's your passion? 342 00:12:50,843 --> 00:12:52,083 I-- I don't know that I-- 343 00:12:52,123 --> 00:12:53,323 Come on. Dream job. 344 00:12:55,443 --> 00:12:57,003 I love big animals. 345 00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:59,923 Big animal lover. What does that pay? 346 00:12:59,963 --> 00:13:02,923 No, no. I mean, I wanted to be a large animal vet 347 00:13:02,963 --> 00:13:04,923 when I was younger. I started school to do that, 348 00:13:04,963 --> 00:13:07,763 but then my cousin Brian started working for an ad company. 349 00:13:07,803 --> 00:13:09,603 Pretty soon he had a Ferrari, 350 00:13:09,643 --> 00:13:11,083 and he was dating a figure skater. 351 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,803 Listen, do it. Be a large animal vet. 352 00:13:13,843 --> 00:13:15,403 - Go for it. - Yeah? 353 00:13:15,443 --> 00:13:17,123 Absolutely. Seize the day. 354 00:13:19,083 --> 00:13:21,763 Right. What are we seeing? 355 00:13:21,803 --> 00:13:23,923 Oh, so I got us tickets for, uh, 356 00:13:23,963 --> 00:13:25,643 The Emancipation of Flyburton Crisp. 357 00:13:25,683 --> 00:13:26,683 What? 358 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,163 It's the new Wes Anderson. 359 00:13:28,203 --> 00:13:29,243 No. 360 00:13:29,283 --> 00:13:30,763 No? 361 00:13:30,803 --> 00:13:32,643 Just no? 362 00:13:32,683 --> 00:13:33,883 Just no. What else? 363 00:13:33,923 --> 00:13:36,323 Well, we could see that Adam Sandler movie. 364 00:13:36,363 --> 00:13:37,963 It starts at 8:10. 365 00:13:38,003 --> 00:13:39,003 Let's go. 366 00:14:04,963 --> 00:14:06,403 [whimpering] 367 00:14:14,963 --> 00:14:16,803 And a pack of Biros. 368 00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:37,403 Sorry. Excuse me. 369 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,403 Yes? 370 00:14:38,443 --> 00:14:39,523 Could you just 371 00:14:39,563 --> 00:14:41,163 keep it down on-- on the keyboard? 372 00:14:41,203 --> 00:14:42,443 Sorry? 373 00:14:42,483 --> 00:14:44,123 It's just you're banging away there 374 00:14:44,163 --> 00:14:45,803 like bash, bash, bash, bash, 375 00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,683 like you're self-harming your fingers or something. 376 00:14:47,723 --> 00:14:49,883 I can't hear myself think. 377 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,283 Jesus. 378 00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:55,483 [phone buzzes] 379 00:15:06,683 --> 00:15:09,243 Hey. Can I ask you something? 380 00:15:11,123 --> 00:15:12,563 Would it really matter 381 00:15:12,603 --> 00:15:14,203 if I couldn't make the business work here? 382 00:15:14,243 --> 00:15:15,243 - Yeah. - I mean, it's-- 383 00:15:15,283 --> 00:15:17,003 Well, hang on. 384 00:15:17,043 --> 00:15:19,443 And instead I went back and finished my degree 385 00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:21,003 and got into veterinary school 386 00:15:21,043 --> 00:15:22,563 and then hopefully in a couple of years 387 00:15:22,603 --> 00:15:25,803 got a junior position, you know, at a zoo? 388 00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:28,203 - Yeah. - Yeah what? 389 00:15:28,243 --> 00:15:30,203 Yeah, it would matter. 390 00:15:30,243 --> 00:15:34,403 Well, I guess it's back to women chef's pants tomorrow. 391 00:15:34,443 --> 00:15:36,203 Aw, poor you. 392 00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:37,763 Are you realizing how shit it is 393 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,483 being an adult with responsibilities? 394 00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:43,643 All your dreams just-- "Oh, no, my dreams!" 395 00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:45,083 You know, you say a lot of shit to me, 396 00:15:45,123 --> 00:15:47,563 and I let you because you're pregnant, 397 00:15:47,603 --> 00:15:50,203 but just so you know, after you have that baby, 398 00:15:50,243 --> 00:15:52,283 I'm going be a fucking asshole to you. 399 00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:55,123 Thanks for the heads-up. 400 00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:57,403 Dave wants to take me to the launch 401 00:15:57,443 --> 00:15:59,123 of a new restaurant his friend's opening. 402 00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:01,483 When? 403 00:16:01,523 --> 00:16:02,563 Tomorrow night. 404 00:16:02,603 --> 00:16:05,443 Tomorrow night? Sure. 405 00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:25,883 Hey! 406 00:16:27,123 --> 00:16:28,403 You look great. 407 00:16:28,443 --> 00:16:29,843 So do you. 408 00:16:29,883 --> 00:16:31,123 [laughing] 409 00:16:32,763 --> 00:16:34,443 You haven't aged. 410 00:16:34,483 --> 00:16:35,763 What, since Saturday? 411 00:16:35,803 --> 00:16:39,323 Well, no, since we-- you know. 412 00:16:39,363 --> 00:16:41,043 It's horrible. You look the same, 413 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:44,963 and now I'm just this middle-aged-looking person. 414 00:16:49,643 --> 00:16:53,323 Uh, can I-- Is there-- Where's the loo? 415 00:16:53,363 --> 00:16:56,923 Um, it's-- I think-- 416 00:16:56,963 --> 00:16:57,923 Fine. I'll-- 417 00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:05,643 If you'd told me I'd be sitting opposite you, 418 00:17:05,683 --> 00:17:07,723 - having a friendly-- - I know. 419 00:17:07,763 --> 00:17:09,283 It's good, though. 420 00:17:09,323 --> 00:17:12,083 Yeah, I mean, when you dumped me, I was like, "Oh!" 421 00:17:12,123 --> 00:17:13,963 Aw. 422 00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:16,483 But then you realized your mistake and wanted to get back, 423 00:17:16,523 --> 00:17:18,163 but I was already with-- 424 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:19,403 Oh. 425 00:17:19,443 --> 00:17:20,723 I think I was drunk. 426 00:17:20,763 --> 00:17:22,443 Drunk for three months? 427 00:17:22,483 --> 00:17:24,643 Ha. 428 00:17:24,683 --> 00:17:26,643 But it's so great to see you. 429 00:17:26,683 --> 00:17:27,963 What's going on? 430 00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:30,563 Just all sorts. 431 00:17:30,603 --> 00:17:31,843 You know, nothing. 432 00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:34,243 It's complicated. You? 433 00:17:34,283 --> 00:17:35,643 Well, I'm still with Gina. 434 00:17:35,683 --> 00:17:37,323 [coughing] 435 00:17:38,723 --> 00:17:40,083 Really? 436 00:17:40,123 --> 00:17:41,443 Yeah. She's pregnant, actually. 437 00:17:41,483 --> 00:17:42,563 [coughing] 438 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,883 Wow. I'm pregnant too. 439 00:17:44,923 --> 00:17:47,123 - Really? - Yeah. 440 00:17:47,163 --> 00:17:49,323 - Yeah. - Wow. 441 00:17:49,363 --> 00:17:51,443 - You didn't say. - Well, I just-- I forgot. 442 00:17:51,483 --> 00:17:52,763 Uh, I'm pregnant. 443 00:17:52,803 --> 00:17:55,363 Four months, by my fiancé Rob. 444 00:17:55,403 --> 00:17:58,963 He's a successful American. 6'4". 445 00:17:59,003 --> 00:18:00,843 - You're still drinking? - It's fine. 446 00:18:00,883 --> 00:18:03,043 The new thing is it's okay to drink. 447 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,563 A bit. 448 00:18:04,603 --> 00:18:06,603 French women do it, and look at them. 449 00:18:06,643 --> 00:18:08,323 Mm, Gina said that she read 450 00:18:08,363 --> 00:18:12,043 that even a sip of alcohol could be potentially harmful. 451 00:18:12,083 --> 00:18:14,563 Gina obviously doesn't know the pregnant wine score. 452 00:18:14,603 --> 00:18:17,523 Mm. 453 00:18:17,563 --> 00:18:20,403 I can't believe you're still with Gina Randolph. 454 00:18:20,443 --> 00:18:23,603 I mean, no one thought that would last. 455 00:18:23,643 --> 00:18:25,523 She was always just so much more-- 456 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:29,123 just everything-- than you-- successful. 457 00:18:29,163 --> 00:18:31,243 Just better. 458 00:18:31,283 --> 00:18:34,163 Well, I'll take that as a compliment. 459 00:18:34,203 --> 00:18:35,203 Are you sure you're still with her? 460 00:18:35,243 --> 00:18:37,483 Yeah. We're solid. 461 00:18:38,963 --> 00:18:40,403 She's due in February, 462 00:18:40,443 --> 00:18:42,043 same month the new book's out. 463 00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:43,643 Is it another of the... 464 00:18:43,683 --> 00:18:45,323 Knights of Dorian?Yeah. 465 00:18:45,363 --> 00:18:46,483 Oh, the ones for kids? 466 00:18:46,523 --> 00:18:47,843 For young adults. 467 00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:51,163 I still write. 468 00:18:51,203 --> 00:18:53,363 Well, good. 469 00:18:53,403 --> 00:18:55,323 You were always funny. 470 00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:07,563 Argh! 471 00:19:07,603 --> 00:19:09,163 I had a really good time tonight. 472 00:19:09,203 --> 00:19:12,083 You don't say that to a man unless you want to kiss him. 473 00:19:12,123 --> 00:19:13,403 Do you want to kiss me now? 474 00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:14,763 No, I do not. 475 00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:16,843 Great. I'm off. 476 00:19:16,883 --> 00:19:20,083 Hey, man, can I ask you a question? 477 00:19:20,123 --> 00:19:23,563 When Fran was pregnant, did she ever sort of rocket 478 00:19:23,603 --> 00:19:27,003 between being really horny and really sad? 479 00:19:27,043 --> 00:19:31,003 No, Fran would get horny and hungry at the same time. 480 00:19:31,043 --> 00:19:33,883 One night she made me fuck her in her parents' kitchen, 481 00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:35,843 and I'm not shitting you here, 482 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:39,323 she finished off a plate of stew while I was inside her. 483 00:19:39,363 --> 00:19:41,643 Wow. 484 00:19:42,763 --> 00:19:43,963 Game of squash next week? 485 00:19:44,003 --> 00:19:45,843 Sure. 486 00:19:45,883 --> 00:19:47,243 Wear those little shorts I like. 487 00:19:58,123 --> 00:20:01,763 You have aged, badly. 488 00:20:01,803 --> 00:20:02,803 [Door opens] 489 00:20:04,043 --> 00:20:06,003 Hey. You okay? 490 00:20:06,043 --> 00:20:07,363 What's up? 491 00:20:07,403 --> 00:20:09,963 What have I done with my life? 492 00:20:10,003 --> 00:20:12,523 - What have I achieved? - You've achieved plenty. 493 00:20:12,563 --> 00:20:14,843 Why am even I asking you? You barely know me. 494 00:20:14,883 --> 00:20:16,643 - Well-- - I haven't achieved shit. 495 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,323 And now I'm going to be a mother, 496 00:20:18,363 --> 00:20:20,403 it'll be even less than shit. It'll be minus shit. 497 00:20:20,443 --> 00:20:22,483 My son will be embarrassed at me. 498 00:20:23,883 --> 00:20:25,483 What's that? 499 00:20:25,523 --> 00:20:29,683 It's just-- It's just writing. 500 00:20:29,723 --> 00:20:31,563 I used to write. 501 00:20:31,603 --> 00:20:33,803 I had a letter published in The Timesonce. 502 00:20:33,843 --> 00:20:36,203 Then someone wrote a letter about my letter the next week. 503 00:20:36,243 --> 00:20:37,283 It was that good. 504 00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:38,763 That's great, honey. 505 00:20:38,803 --> 00:20:39,923 May I take a look? 506 00:20:39,963 --> 00:20:41,083 No. 507 00:20:41,123 --> 00:20:43,403 - Come on. - No! 508 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,603 Get off! No, get off! 509 00:20:45,643 --> 00:20:46,923 Just get-- 510 00:20:50,643 --> 00:20:52,163 You're really funny. 511 00:20:52,203 --> 00:20:54,043 This is good. 512 00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:56,163 Not as good as Gina "Elf Fucker" Randolph, though. 513 00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:57,803 The Knights of Dorianlady? 514 00:20:57,843 --> 00:20:59,643 Who gives a shit about her? 515 00:20:59,683 --> 00:21:01,483 Just a few million zitty teenagers. 516 00:21:01,523 --> 00:21:04,203 What about all the zitty teenagers who love you? 517 00:21:04,243 --> 00:21:06,483 What about the letters on the fridge from your students? 518 00:21:06,523 --> 00:21:07,883 They're insane about you. 519 00:21:07,923 --> 00:21:10,963 I almost cried reading some of these. 520 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,323 When you go to work 521 00:21:12,363 --> 00:21:14,403 and you prod some snot-faced little kid 522 00:21:14,443 --> 00:21:16,243 into using his imagination 523 00:21:16,283 --> 00:21:17,883 or show them he can use a book 524 00:21:17,923 --> 00:21:19,763 to escape his shitty life instead of meth, 525 00:21:19,803 --> 00:21:21,723 that's massive. 526 00:21:21,763 --> 00:21:23,803 We don't really have meth here. 527 00:21:23,843 --> 00:21:25,363 You will one day, 528 00:21:25,403 --> 00:21:27,243 and your students won't do it 529 00:21:27,283 --> 00:21:28,843 because you inspired them 530 00:21:28,883 --> 00:21:31,123 to become archaeologists or brain surgeons. 531 00:21:31,163 --> 00:21:32,683 Well, not that one. 532 00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:35,123 I mean, he's a nice lad, but I won't go into it. 533 00:21:36,163 --> 00:21:38,643 You're so nice to me. 534 00:21:38,683 --> 00:21:41,243 And I was so mean about your zookeeper dream. 535 00:21:43,323 --> 00:21:45,763 I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend tonight. 536 00:21:45,803 --> 00:21:48,483 Oh? Why? Do you still like him? 537 00:21:48,523 --> 00:21:50,323 Oh. No, he's awful. 538 00:21:50,363 --> 00:21:53,963 I-- I wanted him to still like me, though. 539 00:21:54,003 --> 00:21:55,563 Isn't that sad? 540 00:21:55,603 --> 00:21:56,803 No, I get it. 541 00:21:56,843 --> 00:21:58,283 I have a Facebook account. 542 00:21:58,323 --> 00:21:59,883 [chuckle] 543 00:21:59,923 --> 00:22:03,523 Listen, I was with Chris tonight, 544 00:22:03,563 --> 00:22:04,643 not Dave. 545 00:22:04,683 --> 00:22:06,563 I've been on two dates with him. 546 00:22:06,603 --> 00:22:08,443 I'm sorry. We kept it secret 547 00:22:08,483 --> 00:22:10,003 because he didn't want Fran to find out. 548 00:22:10,043 --> 00:22:11,643 Like I'm gonna leap on the phone 549 00:22:11,683 --> 00:22:13,403 and call that cow? 550 00:22:13,443 --> 00:22:15,683 I'm glad I was mean to you about your zoo dream. 551 00:22:15,723 --> 00:22:17,043 You're an idiot. 552 00:22:17,083 --> 00:22:18,483 You're right. 553 00:22:21,723 --> 00:22:22,763 Oh. 554 00:22:24,483 --> 00:22:25,523 Do you feel that? 555 00:22:25,563 --> 00:22:27,243 Is he kicking? 556 00:22:27,283 --> 00:22:29,923 No, he just did a little fart. 557 00:22:29,963 --> 00:22:31,443 And you can feel that? 558 00:22:31,483 --> 00:22:33,443 Oh. Oh! 559 00:22:33,483 --> 00:22:34,563 - I'm sorry. - Ohh! 560 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:36,643 It was the baby. No, I'm sorry. 561 00:22:36,683 --> 00:22:39,043 I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. 562 00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:40,403 [gasp] 563 00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:42,323 What if there's a 9/11 at my school? 564 00:22:42,363 --> 00:22:44,563 Why would there be a 9/11 at your school? 565 00:22:44,603 --> 00:22:46,963 I don't know. Will you have sex with me? 566 00:22:47,003 --> 00:22:48,843 - Well, why don't we just-- - No, I want to. 567 00:22:48,883 --> 00:22:50,683 - I need it. - But you're crying. 568 00:22:50,723 --> 00:22:52,363 It's fine. 569 00:22:52,403 --> 00:22:54,243 I don't want to have sex with a crying woman. 570 00:22:54,283 --> 00:22:55,763 Really? 571 00:22:55,803 --> 00:22:58,003 No, I'll do it, but get it together. 572 00:23:00,363 --> 00:23:02,283 What if my womb prolapses after the birth 573 00:23:02,323 --> 00:23:04,323 and I can't wear leggings anymore? 574 00:23:04,363 --> 00:23:05,803 We'll get you special leggings. 575 00:23:05,843 --> 00:23:07,243 - Yeah? - Yeah. 576 00:23:07,283 --> 00:23:09,163 Okay. 577 00:23:09,203 --> 00:23:10,723 What if my bladder bursts 578 00:23:10,763 --> 00:23:12,363 and every time I need to go for a wee, 579 00:23:12,403 --> 00:23:13,443 it just comes pouring out me like a broken fountain 580 00:23:13,483 --> 00:23:14,563 wherever I go? 581 00:23:14,603 --> 00:23:16,803 Adult diapers? 582 00:23:16,843 --> 00:23:18,283 Adult diapers. 583 00:23:18,323 --> 00:23:19,923 Okay. Adult diapers. 584 00:23:22,483 --> 00:23:24,003 It's gone soft. 585 00:23:24,043 --> 00:23:25,883 Mm-hmm. 586 00:23:28,043 --> 00:23:29,683 Do you want to watch a Homeland? 587 00:23:29,723 --> 00:23:30,923 Sure. 588 00:23:38,403 --> 00:23:40,683 ♪♪ [male singer vocalizing]