Can we get an update on what's shakin' out over there?
It'd be great to get a clearer idea
of what you've been doin'.
Up your game, like the guy said.
Maybe buy a suit with normal length arms.
Do you think Clive Owen would wear that?
- Fran thinks I'm having an affair. - What?
She wants to meet with you and sort it out.
This is--
No!
No, I asked you the one simple thing.
- Fuck off! - Oh, tell me to fuck off.
Yeah, I'm telling you to fuck off.
That reminds me.
We really should go ahead and pull the trigger on the wedding.
Should I make an appointment at the registry office?
I don't know if I want to do it at a registry office.
- Why not? - Well, bec--
It's embarrassing but when I was 19
this Polish guy who used to come into the restaurant where I worked at
he paid me to be a witness at his registry office wedding.
You were a witness whore?
Yeah, well, 50 quid.
Anyway, he took us all to TGI Friday afterwards,
and he and the English girl he married, they got beyond pissed,
and he fell over and broke his jaw on a urinal.
- How the fuck? - I don't know,
and since I was the least drunk person there,
I had to take him to the hospital.
He freaked out and kicked a nurse in the stomach,
and then he threw a wheelchair at a vending machine.
- Wow. - Yeah.
So, you know, I don't want our wedding to be like that.
Yeah, me neither.
The last big wedding I went to was my sister's.
300 people.
That was the one I shat my pants at.
Oh, yeah.
What'd your sister think about that?
She didn't care for it. I mean, nobody did.
I think after the fact, for anecdotal value,
people were glad it happened.
Yeah, of course.
But, you know, I wouldn't do it again.
Yeah, we don't have to have 300 people,
you know, just some family and friends,
- and a few Scotch eggs. - Hmm.
What do you think?
You up for doing something more than
a sad transaction in a gray building?
- Definitely. - Great.
What'd you think if I asked your mother?
Sure. Go ahead.
I mean, I will say, if she wasn't my mother,
I definitely wouldn't invite her.
I mean, just 'cause she's not fun. Or nice.
Yeah, we don't have to have her on our table.
[laughing]
[indistinct arguing]
I love watching young couples argue.
I can't keep my eyes off of 'em.
[laughs] I hope he hits her.
[laughing]
And then the cops Tase him and he falls in the river.
[laughs] Now you're talkin'.
If we ever sound like that,
please get a gun from America and shoot us both.
We sound like that all the time.
Do we?
Yeah, but we've got real problems.
♪♪
Hang on a second.
I've been at Fry and Loeb for 11 years,
and you're gonna fire me for making you a shit load of money,
and opening a UK office?
We're not firing you.
I mean, we are, unless you want to come back to Boston
where you have an office and clients.
I get that my current setup isn't conventional, but--
You're right, it's not conventional.
By the way, are you in a college dorm?
You know what? Fuck you, Mark.
Hey, Rob. Look, come on.
And Tony, fuck you for being a nice guy,
and workin' with this fuckin' asshole.
You know what, Mark?
When I heard that Greg had a stroke,
my first thought after being sad for his family,
was that I wish it had been you, you conniving cunt.
No. He can't talk to me like that.
And Tony, you better make sure that I get a nice severance package,
or I'm gonna come there and kick Mark's ass in front of that receptionist
that he sexually harasses for three hours every day.
And Mark, you can-- [distorted audio]
Is he done?
[door opens]
Hey, how was your day?
Shit.
How was yours?
Good. It was good. Very good.
- Tea? - Yeah.
It's just tough at the moment
because I don't smile for the first few months of the school year.
I mean, you really can't. If they smell weakness, they just--
It's like putting chum in the water for sharks.
But it's hard because there's this new lad
with thick glasses and one big eyebrow,
and I just really want to smile at him.
- Can I have a wagon wheel? - Sure.
Hey, I was thinking how great it is that our kid is gonna have two cultures,
can two countries that he can spend time in.
Hmm. Yeah.
I mean, especially when he's a baby.
I mean, we'll be able to just bounce back and forth.
Mm.
You know, it might be worth thinking about basing ourselves in Boston for a while.
I mean, it's cheaper by probably about 500 percent.
[laughs] Why are you saying this to me?
I was let go from my job today.
- What? - It's fine.
They only let me go 'cause it wasn't working out here.
I mean, they would have kept me forever back there.
Not that I'd go back to that shit shop
when they wouldn't give me 20 minutes to even plug in my fuckin' computer here.
But I could work anywhere in Boston.
Everyone in advertising knows me there.
I don't want to live in Boston.
Why not?
[laughs] Because it's Boston.
I mean, once you graduate to a place like London or New York,
you don't regress to Boston. What's even there?
And, you know, my family's here, my job, my friends.
Yeah, I had all that, too. And now I don't even have a job here anymore.
And do you think our baby would like to eat, for example?
'Cause I'd like to be able to buy it food,
and I was issued a very specific work visa,
not a sit-around- on-a-couch visa.
Yeah, okay. It's terrifying.
But, you know, just take a minute.
Don't go making crazy decisions for us.
I will help you.
And we'll sort it out, but we have to sort it out here.
And, you know, I mean, just to be practical,
you can't fly when you're this pregnant.
Isn't that just the last trimester?
You can't fly to Boston at any point during your pregnancy.
Yes!
I feel like a fucking god here.
Brits don't have bowling in their veins like we do.
It's like being Super Man on Earth.
Hey, listen. I wound up parting ways with my company in the US.
I was wondering if you knew of any job leads.
Take that, the Queen.
Did you hear about that heart drug Tevantrix
that killed all those people a couple of months ago?
- No. - Oh, good.
Well, I'm on the board of the company that makes it,
and their putting together a kind of messaging task force,
you know, to teach the public that they do stuff other than kill people.
- Oh, Jesus. - No, they're good guys.
My pal Harita is the senior VP of marketing,
and I guarantee that she will see you if I tell her to.
So what do you think, man, you want me to hit her up?
I guess, yeah.
I need money and a visa, so yes.
Well, all right.
Thank you.
I owe you one.
Have you ever heard of a prostate massage?
I'm not massaging your prostate.
No, I don't want you to massage my prostate.
I want you to come with me to this place I know
where we can both get our prostates massaged.
I went there a couple of weeks ago.
I'm telling you, man, it is easily the best orgasm I have ever had.
And before you say anything, it's not gay.
That's like eighth on the list of why I don't want to do it.
But they do put something up your butt, right?
Way up.
It kinda hurts.
'Til they start massaging the old prostate.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Oh, come on, man.
Come on, spend some quality time with me.
My dad died a few weeks ago.
Et cetera.
Your dad died, et cetera?
Yeah, I don't really want to talk about it.
Just...
come and get your butt fucked with me.
Help me heal.
[phone line ringing]
- Woman: Hello? - Hello, is this Mia?
Yes, it is.
Mia, this is Sharon.
Um, from London.
Rob's Sharon.
Oh. Yes, of course. How are you?
I'm okay, thank you. Nice to speak to you.
I know we'll meet sooner or later
I just wanted to introduce myself.
And also to invite you to our wedding.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah, we're-we're gonna get married properly,
so if it's something that you wanted to attend,
then we'd be very happy to work around your dates and--
You know, I really-- I don't fly well,
and I-- I can't leave my dogs, so--
Oh. Would it make any difference
if I told you we're not just getting married because I'm pregnant?
Yeah, we-- we really like each other,
and also, he needs a visa.
Whatever the reason, it's just such wonderful news.
I'm just so glad that Rob has found someone
after everything with Betsy.
Who's Betsy?
Betsy? His ex?
You know, after Betsy miscarried,
it was very hard for both of them. And me.
- What? - He must have told you.
No. Um, I have to say I think that's very insensitive of you.
I am currently pregnant, after all.
- Well, I didn't mean-- - Oh, no, I think you did.
Jesus, stick the knife in phone call number one, why don't you.
Sorry?
You know what? I rescind my invitation.
That means I take it back.
- You're not invited. - [beep]
Hello?
I hope your dogs get leukemia.
Are you chewing gum?
Take it out, put it in the bin.
Hi.
So, I got a job interview today.
Great.
And, uh, I checked out that place you like for the reception by the canal.
- And I think that-- - You never told me you got
another woman pregnant.
Uh, well, I didn't--
- Did my mother-- - Yeah.
- Was it on purpose? - What?
Was it an "oh, no, whoops" pregnant like me,
or was it a "let's make a baby" pregnant like normal people?
[scoffs]
Does it matter? Look, as big as this is,
I had a life before you.
Yeah, I knew you fucked other women,
I just didn't know you fucked babies into them.
- Jesus. - And you meant to do it with Betsy.
You know, that was premeditated.
I was like a-- a second degree pregnancy.
You just got drunk and drove into a crowd of women and got me pregnant.
A second degree pregnancy?
Why didn't you tell me?
What would you have done with that information?
If the baby had been born, I would have told you.
But it wasn't.
Okay.
Sorry.
Well, don't be sorry.
- Jesus, can I explain? - No, it doesn't matter.
Just forget it.
I might have insulted your mother a little bit on the phone.
Like how?
Tell me how, 'cause I want to do a different,
more hurtful insult when I call her.
[phone ringing]
Mia: Yes? Hello?
Hi, Mia. It's Sharon.
Uh, from London again.
I saw that it was a UK number.
I just thought it was Rob calling to yell at me again.
I'm-- I'm sorry about that.
And sorry for saying that you couldn't come to the wedding.
Of course we want you to come.
[scoffs] Well, I don't think Rob wants me to come, so--
No, of course, he wants you to come.
Well, I can't leave the dogs.
No, that-- that's fine. Just, you know, want you to know that
if you could come to the wedding
you'd be welcome.
By the way, do you have Betsy's surname?
It's just, um,
I thought it'd be a nice gesture to invite her along because,
you know, we just want everybody to be there.
You know, a lot of my ex-boyfriends will be coming.
Well, not a lot, but maybe three.
- Ostroff. - It's Os--
- Ostroff. - That's O--
O-S-T-R-O-F-F.
Well, you know, if Betsy's gonna make the journey,
then maybe I should come.
I would just love to see her.
What about the dogs?
- Well, I-- - And the thing is,
I want to ask her but, you know, it's a numbers game,
so that could all change.
And I'm actually at school at the moment,
so I'm gonna have to-- It's lovely talking to you.
Hello?
Please let it be you.
Oh, good for you.
You're not better than me.
I just came in to get my workbook.
Well, get it then.
I'm sure Dave's told you a little about what's been happening here.
Blow back hasn't been as bad as it could have been.
It was only older men who died.
Focus groups we've done since have shown
they're the least missed demographic.
I mean, a child dies and understandably people get really upset,
but four or five guys in their 70s, it's like...
sad but also...
c'est la vie.
Well, that's-- Wow.
I mean, I guess if you're going to be allegedly responsible
for some people not being alive anymore,
uh, then old men are the best ones.
I think the one that really hurt us was the astronaut.
Okay, yeah, I did read about him.
So, what are your thoughts on how we might progress this?
Well, I'm not sure people feel the same way about astronauts as they used to.
They're not the heroes that they once were.
I don't know if this made the news here,
but a few years ago
a female astronaut traveled across the US in a diaper
with a bunch of weapons in her trunk
to attack a love rival.
So, you know, really, they're just like you and me.
So, it pays really well,
and they'd sort my visa.
But the woman who interviewed me definitely sleeps in a coffin.
Well, two out of three.
And did you try?
- What? - Big and Tall.
No. I didn't go to the Big and Tall Modeling Agency.
Why not?
I think you should just go in.
Just pop in.
What would be the harm in just popping in?
Well, I'm big and tall, but I'm not that big and tall.
Well, I think you are.
And now we'll never know.
Listen, um--
I know I said I didn't want to talk about Betsy,
and I understand why you didn't tell me,
but to be honest,
I just would have liked to have known,
because I'd hate for you to have to deal with a bombshell like that.
So I thought before the wedding
we should just get a few things out there, you know?
So there's no skeletons in our closet.
- Okay. - Okay.
So, uh, um, I went out with a French guy,
and I had two pregnancy scares with him.
And I considered moving to France.
Oh, well, I mean, that's--
No, I haven't told you the thing yet.
So, two pregnancy scares, considered moving to France,
and when I broke up with him,
he committed--
tried to kill himself.
So I just wanted to tell you that.
You know, 'cause I'd hate for you to have to learn that from my mother.
I'm not telling you that to scare you.
Okay. Uh, are you sure that's why he did it?
Because a lot of people who are depressed--
Yeah, I'm why he did it.
Okay. Well, thank you for telling me that.
Well, that's okay.
[cell phone chimes]
What is wrong with him?
Happy birthday.
[groaning]
Thank you.
[laughs]
Wow. I haven't had a birthday gift in a few year.
You know, that I can open with paper and all that,
so I don't even care what's in here.
Oh.
Actually, I do. I love them.
Well, thank you. I made them.
You can wear them to dinner tonight.
Just them and nothing else.
Can I wear my maternity bra?
It's just my tits are a bit sore.
Well, okay, but that's it.
No cake tonight. No candles.
Don't want any waiters singing to me.
Just makes me want to vom.
What time is it?
It's just after 7.
Do you want to get under here and put another baby in me?
I can try.
Hey, you're late, Heisenberg, let's go, man.
Listen, I came here to thank you for setting up that interview,
and to tell you I'm not doing this.
What? Come on, man, we had a deal.
We didn't have a deal.
You did a nice thing for me and I'm grateful,
but I never said I would let a stranger put anything up in my asshole.
You gotta try this, man. It feels so good.
I believe you, but now is not the time
for me to pay a hooker to fuck my butt with an implement.
You do that after you've been with somebody for a long time,
and you hate each other. I'm not there yet.
Okay, well, you want to do something more low key?
I mean, we could go get some lap dances.
Dave, I don't want to do those things with you.
What, you don't want big titties all over your face?
Of course I do, but in my own home,
not a strip club at lunchtime.
Look, I can tell that you're a bit lonely or whatever.
I'm not lonely, motherfucker.
Well, whatever the case is, you know,
you need some companionship or something.
Listen, I'm having a party tonight for Sharon.
Do you want to come?
Uh, no, I can't tonight. I've got a thing.
All right, well, let's talk soon.
Rob.
Uh, where is it? Just in case.
[bell ringing]
Chris: So I've had a wee trim, threw on my best cologne,
so I can give Sharon a birthday kiss she'll really enjoy.
Now we're kissin' each other's wives.
Oh, hey, Chris, you have to know
that was an accident.
It was a hug that I think she--
Not that it was her fault, it's just--
I'm just takin' the piss, man.
[laughs] I'm glad you did.
She came home and fucked my knob off after that.
You're my hero as far as I'm concerned.
Oh. Well, good. Oh, okay.
Uh, thank you, and I'm sorry.
I'm still kissin' Sharon, no.
- Hiya. - Hey, glad you could make it.
Where's Mallandra?
Oh, sorry, did I not say? She didn't want to come.
Are we early? There's more people comin', right?
No, this is it. And-- I know, I--
It's just, I don't know a lot of her friends.
I'm not optimistic she'll be thrilled.
- Rob. - Hey, Fran.
So great you could come.
You know the last birthday of Sharon's that I went to
we ended up taking some mushrooms of the magical variety.
Ended up getting our clitoral hoods pierced.
Won't be doing that again any time soon.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- All: Hey! - Sharon: Hey. Hi!
Thank you. For doing this to me.
- Come here. - Hi, hi.
- Birthday girl. - Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Dave: Hey! Sorry we're late.
This is, um, my friend.
Um, happy birthday. 41.
[laughs] 41!
Friday night's a tricky night for getting people out.
Yeah, yeah, that's maybe what it is.
Well, this is humiliating.
That's exactly the response I was hoping for.
[laughs]
Let's not do the big wedding.
Is that all right?
I mean, look around you.
I have a petite circle of friends.
You have one friend.
He's probably gonna OD before we get married.
And if you had any idea what something costs
when you put the word wedding in front of it.
If you knew how much a wedding ham costs as opposed to a ham ham,
you wouldn't want to be part of that.
I just want a transaction in a gray building.
Okay.
And then you can finger me in a cab
on the way to TGI Fridays.
I'd like that.
Dave: Good news, buddy.
Harita from Braeband called. She wants you.
She's gonna send you an offer letter on Monday.
[laughs]
- [glass breaking] - Oh, goddammit!
[laughs] I don't care.
I don't care! [laughs]
- Happy birthday. - Dave: To the happy couple.
- I mean, to the-- - All: Happy birthday.
[moaning]
That was a long come for me.
Yeah, that was-- Wow.
Oh, could you just wipe your--
Yeah.
[sighs]
I keep thinking about you getting another woman pregnant.
- Oh. - And I'm not being obsessive,
and-- and I understand why you didn't tell me,
it's just...
I've never actually liked anyone enough
to want to have a baby with them,
and you did and it just messes me up a bit.
Well, listen to me.
My life was smaller then.
I worked next to Betsy for six years,
and then I found myself dating her,
then we were living together because it was cheaper,
and I'm sorry to say that, but it's true.
Babies started appearing in my world,
so it seemed normal to try,
and she got pregnant,
and then, in rapid succession, she miscarried,
and I found out she'd been hiding her Jewishness from me.
- What the fuck? - I'm kidding.
And I know I shouldn't be kidding right now
because, yes, I was sad when she miscarried,
but it was tempered by the fact
that I was happier not being with her.
And then you blew into my life like a fuckin' hurricane,
and FYI, sex with her was, at best, nice,
but you induce like a medical condition in me,
and I had to be inside you for like a week.
You fucked me up.
[laughs]
I have to tell you something.
One of the first nights we were together,
you made this weird sound when you came.
Like, normally you're all grunty and "arrr,"
but this one time you made this weird, high pitched kind of feminine,
kind of-- [squeals]
And I don't know if you remember,
but one of the days I didn't call you until like 9 p.m.
Yeah.
[laughs] Well, it was because of that.
[laughs]
♪♪