1 00:00:07,003 --> 00:00:09,643 Rob: What's the matter? 2 00:00:09,683 --> 00:00:12,203 I wasn't 100% sure you were coming back. 3 00:00:12,243 --> 00:00:14,403 You know, your flight landed 30 minutes ago. 4 00:00:14,443 --> 00:00:16,203 My luggage was on the wrong carousel. 5 00:00:16,243 --> 00:00:17,963 Why wouldn't I come back? 6 00:00:18,003 --> 00:00:19,843 I don't know. 7 00:00:19,883 --> 00:00:22,363 You're already on a plane, you have a passport. 8 00:00:22,403 --> 00:00:25,483 You thought I'd hijack the plane to get away from you? 9 00:00:25,523 --> 00:00:27,443 Did you miss me? 10 00:00:27,483 --> 00:00:29,603 I was angry at how much I missed you. 11 00:00:29,643 --> 00:00:31,043 I missed you, too. 12 00:00:31,083 --> 00:00:33,083 Just the last two days, though. 13 00:00:33,123 --> 00:00:34,443 [giggling] 14 00:00:34,483 --> 00:00:36,163 Did you watch porn? 15 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,563 Yeah, absolutely. 16 00:00:37,603 --> 00:00:39,443 But I would always take a pillow 17 00:00:39,483 --> 00:00:41,643 and make a little Sharon out of it 18 00:00:41,683 --> 00:00:44,123 that I would hug while I watched. 19 00:00:44,163 --> 00:00:47,283 Ha ha! I did the same, just without the pillow. 20 00:00:47,323 --> 00:00:50,043 It's actually really hard for me to masturbate at the moment 21 00:00:50,083 --> 00:00:52,483 because I've got to look over my belly to do it, 22 00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:55,123 and I know there's a baby in there, so it's kind of off-putting. 23 00:00:55,163 --> 00:00:57,203 It's like you wouldn't want to have a wank 24 00:00:57,243 --> 00:00:59,403 if there were kids playing in the background, you know? 25 00:00:59,443 --> 00:01:00,883 Yeah, yeah. 26 00:01:00,923 --> 00:01:04,283 That's kind of one of my things, not doing that. 27 00:01:04,323 --> 00:01:06,243 Did anyone try and convince you to stay? 28 00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:08,803 Yes. My friend Cory said, 29 00:01:08,843 --> 00:01:11,443 "I'll see you in six months when it doesn't work out." 30 00:01:11,483 --> 00:01:13,243 - Ugh. - I was-- 31 00:01:13,283 --> 00:01:15,723 I mean, that's given me more motivation to make this work 32 00:01:15,763 --> 00:01:17,723 than even the baby. 33 00:01:17,763 --> 00:01:20,843 Yeah. Did you sort things out with your mum? 34 00:01:20,883 --> 00:01:23,323 No. Not even close. 35 00:01:23,363 --> 00:01:26,403 I can't believe it's taken me 38 years 36 00:01:26,443 --> 00:01:29,083 to realize that my mother is a shit bubble. 37 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,483 [laughter] 38 00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:33,763 Did you get your best man sorted? 39 00:01:33,803 --> 00:01:34,963 No. 40 00:01:35,003 --> 00:01:36,283 Because I've got a maid of honor now, 41 00:01:36,323 --> 00:01:37,443 so you have to. 42 00:01:37,483 --> 00:01:38,683 Who's your maid of honor? Fran? 43 00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:41,083 What? No. Although she did offer. 44 00:01:41,123 --> 00:01:42,923 No, I got panicked one night, 45 00:01:42,963 --> 00:01:44,683 and I asked my friend Kate from uni. 46 00:01:44,723 --> 00:01:47,723 So she's going to come over for a week, 47 00:01:47,763 --> 00:01:49,683 hang out, you know, have some fun. 48 00:01:49,723 --> 00:01:52,003 Does she know that you're not fun any more? 49 00:01:52,043 --> 00:01:53,843 You're such a fucker. 50 00:01:53,883 --> 00:01:55,403 [laughs] 51 00:01:55,443 --> 00:01:58,083 I could ask your brother to be my best man. 52 00:01:58,123 --> 00:01:59,923 What would you think of that? 53 00:01:59,963 --> 00:02:01,723 Well, yeah. You can ask him. 54 00:02:01,763 --> 00:02:04,283 I mean, you barely know him. 55 00:02:04,323 --> 00:02:06,483 Eh. I barely know you. 56 00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:12,443 It would be an honor. 57 00:02:12,483 --> 00:02:13,763 Thank you. 58 00:02:13,803 --> 00:02:15,243 I mean it. 59 00:02:15,283 --> 00:02:16,963 You're part of this family now. 60 00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:19,563 You've given my sister something to live for. 61 00:02:19,603 --> 00:02:21,283 - I'm not sure she-- - I love you, man. 62 00:02:21,323 --> 00:02:23,363 I love you too, man. 63 00:02:23,403 --> 00:02:25,363 You're my brother. 64 00:02:25,403 --> 00:02:26,723 [sniff] 65 00:02:26,763 --> 00:02:29,963 Hey, Fergal, are you drunk? 66 00:02:30,003 --> 00:02:32,043 Since Wednesday. 67 00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:34,363 Jesus. What's in there? 68 00:02:34,403 --> 00:02:36,363 Bailey's, you pussy. 69 00:02:36,403 --> 00:02:37,963 Mallandra's gone. 70 00:02:38,003 --> 00:02:39,563 She-- Where? 71 00:02:39,603 --> 00:02:40,683 Mm. 72 00:02:40,723 --> 00:02:43,283 To Spain, with the kids. 73 00:02:43,323 --> 00:02:47,483 But when she gets back, she wants a divorce. 74 00:02:47,523 --> 00:02:50,523 She wants a fucking divorce! 75 00:02:50,563 --> 00:02:52,083 She's going to take my kids! 76 00:02:52,123 --> 00:02:53,723 She's not going to take your kids. 77 00:02:53,763 --> 00:02:54,763 Aah! 78 00:02:54,803 --> 00:02:55,763 And don't you have to agree 79 00:02:55,803 --> 00:02:57,243 to let somebody divorce you? 80 00:02:57,283 --> 00:02:58,723 Don't let her divorce you, and we'll fix it. 81 00:02:58,763 --> 00:03:01,203 I really fucked up this time. 82 00:03:01,243 --> 00:03:03,523 I mean, ha. I've got a problem. 83 00:03:03,563 --> 00:03:05,963 I'm a fucking monster! 84 00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:07,963 What did you do? 85 00:03:08,003 --> 00:03:10,283 Thank you. Thank you very much. 86 00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:12,523 Your wedding is the week before my court date, 87 00:03:12,563 --> 00:03:15,003 so it'll give me something to look forward to. 88 00:03:16,643 --> 00:03:18,523 D'you want a smoothie? 89 00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:21,083 - [laughter] - [door closes] 90 00:03:22,323 --> 00:03:24,083 Oh, there he is. 91 00:03:24,123 --> 00:03:26,723 Rob, this is Kate, my maid of honor. 92 00:03:26,763 --> 00:03:28,123 Kate, this is Rob, the future Mr. Sharon Morris. 93 00:03:28,163 --> 00:03:30,083 Great to meet you, Kate. 94 00:03:30,123 --> 00:03:32,363 Sharon, can I just talk to you? 95 00:03:32,403 --> 00:03:34,643 I'm so happy to finally meet you! 96 00:03:34,683 --> 00:03:36,723 It's great to meet you. 97 00:03:36,763 --> 00:03:38,203 You know, you've got a good one here. 98 00:03:38,243 --> 00:03:40,643 Even if you hadn't gotten her pregnant, 99 00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:42,323 she'd be a catch. 100 00:03:42,363 --> 00:03:44,883 You know, she got all the dick back home. 101 00:03:44,923 --> 00:03:46,683 Well, not all of it. 102 00:03:46,723 --> 00:03:50,123 We are going to have a legendary week. 103 00:03:51,963 --> 00:03:53,723 You know, this is my first time 104 00:03:53,763 --> 00:03:55,363 away from my kids in five years. 105 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:59,563 I don't miss them, and I fucking love London! 106 00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:01,083 Ha ha ha ha! 107 00:04:01,123 --> 00:04:03,203 Can I just talk to you for a quick second? 108 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,683 Yeah. 109 00:04:04,723 --> 00:04:06,883 [laughing] 110 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,443 She's always annoying for the first day or so. 111 00:04:11,483 --> 00:04:13,123 No, no, it's not that. 112 00:04:13,163 --> 00:04:15,483 I mean yes, she is very annoying, but it's Fergal. 113 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,203 Is he not going to do it? 114 00:04:17,243 --> 00:04:18,883 No, he is going to do it, but did he tell you-- 115 00:04:18,923 --> 00:04:20,803 - Tell me what? - What he's done? 116 00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:23,043 - What did he do? - I don't know. 117 00:04:23,083 --> 00:04:24,763 What are you asking me? 118 00:04:24,803 --> 00:04:26,363 Well, do you know that Mallandra left him? 119 00:04:26,403 --> 00:04:28,603 Yeah. She does that, like, twice a year. 120 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:29,883 Do you know why? 121 00:04:29,923 --> 00:04:31,643 Yes. Because he's a prick. 122 00:04:31,683 --> 00:04:32,883 No. I think it's worse than that. 123 00:04:32,923 --> 00:04:34,483 What are you talking about? 124 00:04:34,523 --> 00:04:37,323 I don't know, but there was something in his eyes 125 00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:39,563 that said "I've done something really bad." 126 00:04:39,603 --> 00:04:41,403 Something in his eyes? 127 00:04:41,443 --> 00:04:44,363 Look, I don't know, I think he may have hurt someone. 128 00:04:44,403 --> 00:04:47,403 I'm not saying he has a freezer full of kid-meat or anything-- 129 00:04:47,443 --> 00:04:49,843 Listen. I don't know if you're stressed or what, 130 00:04:49,883 --> 00:04:51,963 but you need to stop slandering my brother, 131 00:04:52,003 --> 00:04:54,123 and I need to stop ignoring my visitor. 132 00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:55,923 This is rude. Okay? 133 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,723 We are both being very rude at the moment. 134 00:04:57,763 --> 00:05:00,923 Sorry. Do you have Sudocreme or something? 135 00:05:00,963 --> 00:05:03,763 It's just I got a Brazilian yesterday, 136 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,443 and my pussy's on fire. 137 00:05:08,203 --> 00:05:09,963 I'll get you some. 138 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:16,443 Woman: I'd like to introduce Rob Norris to you all. 139 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:19,043 Rob helped establish Frye & Loeb in Boston. 140 00:05:19,083 --> 00:05:22,323 He's also coached brands wrestling with PR issues. 141 00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:25,683 I guess you could say he's a sort of a perception engineer. 142 00:05:25,723 --> 00:05:29,043 Rob, the floor is yours. 143 00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:30,483 Thank you, Harita. 144 00:05:30,523 --> 00:05:33,803 Well, the public are like toddlers. 145 00:05:33,843 --> 00:05:36,403 They like shiny things, like scandal, 146 00:05:36,443 --> 00:05:38,403 like astronauts maybe dying 147 00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:40,523 because they took Braeband's flagship drug. 148 00:05:40,563 --> 00:05:43,363 So we need to distract them with something even shinier. 149 00:05:43,403 --> 00:05:47,123 And what if-- what if that shiny thing 150 00:05:47,163 --> 00:05:49,203 could also be something truly good? 151 00:05:49,243 --> 00:05:51,403 I'm sure I don't need to tell you guys 152 00:05:51,443 --> 00:05:53,683 what animal kills the most people on earth every year. 153 00:05:56,003 --> 00:05:57,003 Sharks? 154 00:05:57,043 --> 00:05:58,803 No. It's not sharks. 155 00:05:58,843 --> 00:06:01,603 It's the mosquito because of malaria. 156 00:06:01,643 --> 00:06:04,043 And who's treated more cases of malaria in India 157 00:06:04,083 --> 00:06:06,083 than anyone else? 158 00:06:07,163 --> 00:06:09,323 It's not sharks. 159 00:06:09,363 --> 00:06:11,443 But it's not Braeband, either. 160 00:06:11,483 --> 00:06:14,043 It's the Dutch company Nyromax. 161 00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,763 Now, what if Braeband were able to-- 162 00:06:15,803 --> 00:06:17,763 Rob, I'm going to interrupt you for just a second here 163 00:06:17,803 --> 00:06:20,243 and say that your enthusiasm is really something. 164 00:06:20,283 --> 00:06:21,923 - Well, honestly-- - Thank you so much. 165 00:06:21,963 --> 00:06:24,643 Guys, this is what courage looks like: 166 00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:26,563 not some dusty old astronaut 167 00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:29,123 whose kids are basically committing libel. 168 00:06:31,763 --> 00:06:33,643 Rob: Do you think she'll be much longer? 169 00:06:33,683 --> 00:06:34,683 Why? Did you leave your lip liner in there? 170 00:06:34,723 --> 00:06:36,643 No. I do that in the cab. 171 00:06:36,683 --> 00:06:38,883 You look nice. Where are they taking you? 172 00:06:38,923 --> 00:06:40,963 Just for a steak. Montefiores. 173 00:06:41,003 --> 00:06:41,963 Nice. 174 00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:43,203 Where are you guys off to? 175 00:06:43,243 --> 00:06:44,923 Just going to go for a pizza, I think. 176 00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:47,443 Kate: Ready. We're going to take it easy, Daddy. 177 00:06:47,483 --> 00:06:50,963 Just a couple of glasses of wine, bit of dancing, 178 00:06:51,003 --> 00:06:52,283 half an E. 179 00:06:52,323 --> 00:06:53,963 I probably won't do any E. 180 00:06:54,003 --> 00:06:55,283 Neither will I. 181 00:06:55,323 --> 00:06:58,283 Well, call me if you-- 182 00:06:58,323 --> 00:06:59,723 Sharon: Have a great night. 183 00:07:05,363 --> 00:07:07,443 What's up, cock-munchers? 184 00:07:07,483 --> 00:07:09,283 Pretty good. You know Chris? 185 00:07:09,323 --> 00:07:10,363 Hey, man. 186 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:16,723 Get in. 187 00:07:16,763 --> 00:07:18,643 Wait. What are we not going for steak? 188 00:07:18,683 --> 00:07:19,643 Get in! 189 00:07:27,763 --> 00:07:30,243 Do you know what hospital you're having the baby at? 190 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,803 Um, St Thomas'. 191 00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:33,283 My daughters were born there. 192 00:07:33,323 --> 00:07:34,843 - No way. - Yeah, it's great. 193 00:07:34,883 --> 00:07:37,363 My wife loved it. She had a water birth there. 194 00:07:37,403 --> 00:07:39,683 You should do that. It just swims right out. It's easy. 195 00:07:39,723 --> 00:07:41,923 Ha ha. Okay. I'll try that. 196 00:07:41,963 --> 00:07:43,883 You have beautiful eyes. 197 00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:46,163 Sorry? What the fuck? 198 00:07:48,203 --> 00:07:50,163 I think I want to get out of here now. 199 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,523 Me too. 200 00:07:51,563 --> 00:07:53,683 See the guy I'm talking to? 201 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,083 [giggling] 202 00:07:56,123 --> 00:07:58,603 He wants to show me his boat. 203 00:07:58,643 --> 00:08:00,763 Imagine. 204 00:08:02,203 --> 00:08:05,603 So do you mind if I go with him? 205 00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:07,723 I'll be back in the morning. 206 00:08:07,763 --> 00:08:09,683 I'll bring pastries. 207 00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,603 I'm going to the loo now, okay? 208 00:08:12,643 --> 00:08:14,403 Because my baby is pushing down on my bladder, 209 00:08:14,443 --> 00:08:16,283 and then we're going to leave, okay? 210 00:08:16,323 --> 00:08:19,163 So say good night to the rapist, 211 00:08:19,203 --> 00:08:21,883 and I'll see you out the front in five, okay? 212 00:08:21,923 --> 00:08:23,323 Yeah, okay. 213 00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:27,283 [giggling] 214 00:08:34,323 --> 00:08:36,483 Good shit, huh? 215 00:08:36,523 --> 00:08:38,843 You know, I want to like it. 216 00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:41,043 I mean it's naked women-- great-- 217 00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:43,043 and dancing, which I also love, 218 00:08:43,083 --> 00:08:45,203 so it's two great things together, 219 00:08:45,243 --> 00:08:47,363 but then you add a bunch of sweaty guys, 220 00:08:47,403 --> 00:08:50,643 and, you know, you leering at them, 221 00:08:50,683 --> 00:08:52,203 and it's just kind of a bummer. 222 00:08:52,243 --> 00:08:53,803 Yeah, sure. Put this in her thong. 223 00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:57,083 Lenore. 224 00:08:57,123 --> 00:08:58,723 Chris? 225 00:08:58,763 --> 00:09:00,323 Oh, my God! 226 00:09:00,363 --> 00:09:01,883 What are you doing here? 227 00:09:01,923 --> 00:09:04,003 Yelp said you do a good onion ring. 228 00:09:05,323 --> 00:09:07,283 You look fuckin' amazing. 229 00:09:07,323 --> 00:09:09,803 Yeah, well, you put on an ounce in this place, 230 00:09:09,843 --> 00:09:11,203 and they make you dance for the Chinese lads. 231 00:09:11,243 --> 00:09:12,803 Oh. Sure, sure. 232 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,923 Fuck me. Chris Beesley. 233 00:09:15,963 --> 00:09:18,283 Going to get your dinky stinky? 234 00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:19,963 I don't know who that is. 235 00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:21,803 Listen, I'm on the clock, 236 00:09:21,843 --> 00:09:23,923 but do you want to buy a dance? 237 00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,443 We could catch up. 238 00:09:25,483 --> 00:09:26,723 Sure. 239 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,243 - Hey-- - Shh. 240 00:09:32,283 --> 00:09:34,723 You're not allowed to talk while they're dancing. 241 00:09:34,763 --> 00:09:36,603 - I was just gonna-- - Shh. 242 00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:42,883 Girls. 243 00:09:42,923 --> 00:09:44,683 And do you have any kids? 244 00:09:44,723 --> 00:09:46,363 One boy. 245 00:09:46,403 --> 00:09:49,123 I've got a boy and a little girl. 246 00:09:49,163 --> 00:09:52,843 Two kids came out of that? Wow. 247 00:09:52,883 --> 00:09:54,403 Well, outdoors is all right, 248 00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:57,003 but my fanny looks like it stepped on a land mine. 249 00:09:59,243 --> 00:10:00,923 How long have you been with your wife? 250 00:10:00,963 --> 00:10:02,803 12 years. Her name's Fran. 251 00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:05,923 And does Fran not mind you coming to places like this? 252 00:10:05,963 --> 00:10:08,283 Not as long as I fuck her when I get back home. 253 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,483 She doesn't know I'm here. 254 00:10:12,923 --> 00:10:14,483 Listen, there's rooms out the back 255 00:10:14,523 --> 00:10:16,003 that are a bit more private, 256 00:10:16,043 --> 00:10:19,163 if you want to, you know...talk more. 257 00:10:20,523 --> 00:10:22,763 I think I should get back to the lads. 258 00:10:25,163 --> 00:10:26,443 You sure? 259 00:10:27,643 --> 00:10:29,083 No. 260 00:10:31,483 --> 00:10:33,363 Ahem. 261 00:10:46,243 --> 00:10:48,243 Oh. I left my bag inside. 262 00:10:48,283 --> 00:10:50,203 I'll be one minute, two minutes. 263 00:10:50,243 --> 00:10:51,763 This bag? 264 00:10:51,803 --> 00:10:53,283 You left this bag inside? 265 00:10:53,323 --> 00:10:55,843 I want to see the boat. 266 00:10:55,883 --> 00:10:57,603 Look at me. Focus. 267 00:10:57,643 --> 00:10:59,123 There's no boat. 268 00:10:59,163 --> 00:11:01,723 There's a tiny flat with a filthy mattress 269 00:11:01,763 --> 00:11:04,083 and nose hair clippings in the sink. 270 00:11:04,123 --> 00:11:06,203 I want a filthy mattress. 271 00:11:06,243 --> 00:11:08,443 I want any mattress. 272 00:11:08,483 --> 00:11:11,283 I'm not happy. 273 00:11:11,323 --> 00:11:13,683 Oh, darling, 274 00:11:13,723 --> 00:11:15,283 I am so sorry to hear that, 275 00:11:15,323 --> 00:11:17,123 but you're going to be even less happy 276 00:11:17,163 --> 00:11:21,203 if you get all cut up and put in a bin bag, okay? 277 00:11:21,243 --> 00:11:23,803 So come on. Let's just go. 278 00:11:25,843 --> 00:11:27,123 - Whoa! - Oh, God! 279 00:11:27,163 --> 00:11:28,803 Oh, my God. 280 00:11:28,843 --> 00:11:31,043 Shit. Did you just bang your head? 281 00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:33,283 - Are you-- - I'm okay. I'm okay! 282 00:11:33,323 --> 00:11:36,123 Ugh. Ow. 283 00:11:38,883 --> 00:11:40,683 Oh, fuck. 284 00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:42,403 Just wait there. Don't move. 285 00:11:42,443 --> 00:11:43,963 Don't move. I'll get some help. 286 00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:45,443 Don't move. 287 00:11:45,483 --> 00:11:46,683 I need some help. 288 00:11:46,723 --> 00:11:49,683 Can you get a first aid kit or something? 289 00:11:49,723 --> 00:11:51,523 She's really banged her head. 290 00:11:51,563 --> 00:11:54,163 Hello? I need an ambulance. 291 00:11:54,203 --> 00:11:57,523 Where's the woman that was lying there? 292 00:11:57,563 --> 00:11:59,763 Where's the woman? Kate! 293 00:12:01,563 --> 00:12:04,483 - Kate? - [siren blaring] 294 00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:05,763 Kate! 295 00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:07,083 I want to tell you what I did. 296 00:12:07,123 --> 00:12:08,483 In the States, 297 00:12:08,523 --> 00:12:10,363 you get a lot more bang for your buck 298 00:12:10,403 --> 00:12:13,163 because you can use your dollar dollar bills, yo! 299 00:12:13,203 --> 00:12:15,523 You've already given me, like, £300. 300 00:12:15,563 --> 00:12:16,683 Rob, Rob, I need to talk to you. 301 00:12:16,723 --> 00:12:18,283 Do you? Do you now? 302 00:12:18,323 --> 00:12:20,283 You can't really put a pound coin 303 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:21,523 down a dancer's G-string. 304 00:12:21,563 --> 00:12:22,883 It's just going to fall out. 305 00:12:22,923 --> 00:12:24,603 I want to tell you what happened. 306 00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:25,803 What if you didn't? 307 00:12:25,843 --> 00:12:27,443 I found out that Mallandra-- 308 00:12:27,483 --> 00:12:29,283 I threw a pound coin on the stage once, 309 00:12:29,323 --> 00:12:32,683 but it bounced, and it chipped the dancer's tooth. 310 00:12:32,723 --> 00:12:36,323 Do you ever shut your fucking trap for five minutes? 311 00:12:36,363 --> 00:12:38,243 Shut up, huh? 312 00:12:38,283 --> 00:12:40,683 - Sorry. I-- - Shut the fuck up! 313 00:12:40,723 --> 00:12:41,963 Shut the fuck up! 314 00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:43,843 - Jesus! - Shut the fuck up! 315 00:12:43,883 --> 00:12:45,803 - No! No! - You never shut up! 316 00:12:47,803 --> 00:12:51,523 And I'll have the 32-ounce Kobe Tomahawk. 317 00:12:55,003 --> 00:12:56,803 [phone buzzing] 318 00:12:59,843 --> 00:13:01,123 Hey. 319 00:13:02,923 --> 00:13:05,803 We can't just roam London yelling her name. 320 00:13:05,843 --> 00:13:07,243 I mean, the fact is, 321 00:13:07,283 --> 00:13:09,563 statistically, she's going to wake up today, 322 00:13:09,603 --> 00:13:12,603 maybe with a concussion and probably with herpes, 323 00:13:12,643 --> 00:13:15,123 but she'll be alive, and we can send her 324 00:13:15,163 --> 00:13:17,323 directly back to Ireland on a bus. 325 00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:18,763 I don't understand. 326 00:13:18,803 --> 00:13:22,043 Her Facebook is all PTA and cake sale shit 327 00:13:22,083 --> 00:13:23,603 and Deepak Chopra quotes. 328 00:13:23,643 --> 00:13:24,923 Maybe she's getting back at you 329 00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:26,243 for all that dick. 330 00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:27,803 She's missing. 331 00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:29,883 She cracked her skull open. 332 00:13:29,923 --> 00:13:32,083 I don't know what to-- Should I call her husband? 333 00:13:32,123 --> 00:13:33,563 What are you going to say? 334 00:13:33,603 --> 00:13:36,683 Uh, hey, Rick. I know it's been six years, 335 00:13:36,723 --> 00:13:38,243 but wanted to let you know 336 00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:41,203 your wife is fucking a guy on a boat. 337 00:13:41,243 --> 00:13:43,083 - Or dead. - Or dead, 338 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,083 but probably fucking a guy on a boat. 339 00:13:45,123 --> 00:13:48,923 Oh. She was supposed to help me get my dress today. 340 00:13:48,963 --> 00:13:50,683 I'm sorry, honey. 341 00:13:50,723 --> 00:13:52,603 Are you going straight to work? 342 00:13:52,643 --> 00:13:54,283 Yeah, unfortunately. 343 00:13:54,323 --> 00:13:57,043 Why? I thought it was getting better. 344 00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:59,043 Weren't you going to be a spy for God? 345 00:13:59,083 --> 00:14:00,803 I don't want to burden you with it now, 346 00:14:00,843 --> 00:14:03,163 but my prevailing sense is 347 00:14:03,203 --> 00:14:05,883 that it's bad people doing bad things 348 00:14:05,923 --> 00:14:07,203 and I'm helping them. 349 00:14:07,243 --> 00:14:09,083 It doesn't have to be forever. 350 00:14:09,123 --> 00:14:11,803 You know, just the next 18 years or so. 351 00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:12,923 Right. 352 00:14:12,963 --> 00:14:14,443 Better now? 353 00:14:26,003 --> 00:14:27,683 Two minutes late. 354 00:14:41,683 --> 00:14:43,523 Special delivery. 355 00:14:43,563 --> 00:14:46,723 Oh, God, don't say special delivery. 356 00:14:49,883 --> 00:14:51,163 Hi. 357 00:14:51,203 --> 00:14:52,843 Oh, my God, what is she wearing? 358 00:14:52,883 --> 00:14:54,163 I don't want to hear it. 359 00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,243 Hi. 360 00:14:57,283 --> 00:14:59,323 You look beautiful. 361 00:14:59,363 --> 00:15:00,843 No, I don't. I look like a couch. 362 00:15:00,883 --> 00:15:02,763 A beautiful couch. 363 00:15:02,803 --> 00:15:04,403 I'm going to take the hat off. 364 00:15:04,443 --> 00:15:06,963 Fran really pushed the hat. I don't like the hat. 365 00:15:07,003 --> 00:15:08,683 Well, I don't think you need it 366 00:15:08,723 --> 00:15:14,443 because I would like to look at this unencumbered. 367 00:15:14,483 --> 00:15:16,483 - Do you want to go in there? - Yeah. 368 00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:20,763 - It's good to see you. - Yeah. All right. 369 00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:25,283 Hey. Are you okay? 370 00:15:25,323 --> 00:15:27,323 Yes. 371 00:15:27,363 --> 00:15:29,003 Good. 372 00:15:30,603 --> 00:15:32,923 Okay, I took it off because-- 373 00:15:32,963 --> 00:15:34,323 Kate, singsong: Sorry I'm late. 374 00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:37,683 Oh. You look lovely. 375 00:15:37,723 --> 00:15:38,803 Where the fuck have you been? 376 00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:41,123 I thought you were dead or murdered. 377 00:15:41,163 --> 00:15:42,483 I nearly canceled the wedding. 378 00:15:42,523 --> 00:15:44,043 I know. Sorry. 379 00:15:44,083 --> 00:15:45,803 I ended up in Brighton. 380 00:15:45,843 --> 00:15:47,643 [laughing] 381 00:15:47,683 --> 00:15:49,083 I should've called, 382 00:15:49,123 --> 00:15:50,963 but I knew you'd just make me come back. 383 00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:54,323 You know your husband's called Sharon maybe 40 times? 384 00:15:54,363 --> 00:15:56,403 It's fine. I spoke to him on the way here. 385 00:15:56,443 --> 00:15:57,723 He knows I got a head wound. 386 00:15:57,763 --> 00:15:59,523 Oh, Christ. 387 00:15:59,563 --> 00:16:01,003 Jesus. 388 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,283 Oh, you need to go home. 389 00:16:02,323 --> 00:16:04,483 But I'm your maid of honor. 390 00:16:04,523 --> 00:16:05,963 Why don't you two go on in? 391 00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:08,723 I'll take over here. It's okay. 392 00:16:13,643 --> 00:16:15,843 I understand the groom would like to say something. 393 00:16:15,883 --> 00:16:17,123 Yeah. 394 00:16:22,803 --> 00:16:25,083 I never thought it would happen this way. 395 00:16:25,123 --> 00:16:27,283 I mean, I wouldn't have ordered this 396 00:16:27,323 --> 00:16:29,123 if it were on the menu. 397 00:16:29,163 --> 00:16:31,123 But there was no menu. 398 00:16:31,163 --> 00:16:32,683 It was like one of those restaurants 399 00:16:32,723 --> 00:16:35,363 where the chef just decides what you're going to eat 400 00:16:35,403 --> 00:16:37,643 and it's scary because what if you get, like, 401 00:16:37,683 --> 00:16:40,843 a pheasant filled with capers? 402 00:16:40,883 --> 00:16:44,603 But then he brings you something unbelievably delicious, 403 00:16:44,643 --> 00:16:47,643 and you realize he knows better than you could ever know, 404 00:16:47,683 --> 00:16:50,923 and you never want to go to any other restaurant ever again. 405 00:16:53,483 --> 00:16:55,483 Fuck menus. 406 00:16:57,963 --> 00:16:59,603 Do you have something you'd like to add? 407 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,643 Um, amen. 408 00:17:01,683 --> 00:17:04,443 I call upon these persons here present-- 409 00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,963 Actually, I would like to say something, 410 00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:09,563 as maid of honor, just now. Is it-- 411 00:17:09,603 --> 00:17:10,563 Sure. 412 00:17:10,603 --> 00:17:12,163 It's actually a short song, 413 00:17:12,203 --> 00:17:15,083 but I think it's very fitting. Ahem. 414 00:17:16,443 --> 00:17:20,163 [off-key] ♪ When my bonny love 415 00:17:20,203 --> 00:17:22,883 ♪ Did falter 416 00:17:22,923 --> 00:17:26,763 ♪ As the river laps the bank 417 00:17:26,803 --> 00:17:31,483 ♪ His furtive tongue did loosen ♪ 418 00:17:31,523 --> 00:17:36,843 ♪ For my love has just become ♪ 419 00:17:36,883 --> 00:17:42,323 ♪ His eye did gaze upon a place ♪ 420 00:17:42,363 --> 00:17:47,203 ♪ A love safe fine yet clear ♪ 421 00:17:47,243 --> 00:17:49,723 - ♪ I see your wheel - [snickering] 422 00:17:49,763 --> 00:17:52,203 ♪ Turn fit, my dear 423 00:17:52,243 --> 00:17:57,283 ♪ And it pleasures me somewhere ♪ 424 00:17:57,323 --> 00:18:03,763 ♪ The highs and lows where'er we go ♪ 425 00:18:03,803 --> 00:18:05,283 ♪ Shall-- 426 00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:07,483 Sorry, just a second. 427 00:18:14,443 --> 00:18:17,163 [cheering] 428 00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:25,083 Edwyn Collins: ♪ Don't shilly-shally 429 00:18:25,123 --> 00:18:28,003 ♪ Don't shilly-shally 430 00:18:28,043 --> 00:18:31,963 ♪ You got it up with the blues, goodbye-aye-aye ♪ 431 00:18:32,003 --> 00:18:34,563 Aw. 432 00:18:34,603 --> 00:18:38,403 ♪ So like a record on again now ♪ 433 00:18:38,443 --> 00:18:42,203 ♪ I turned the volume up to 10 now ♪ 434 00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:45,843 ♪ Let's ride this train whatever ♪ 435 00:18:45,883 --> 00:18:52,163 ♪ Let's ride this train together ♪ 436 00:18:52,203 --> 00:18:55,563 Remember this place? 437 00:18:55,603 --> 00:18:57,763 Yeah. 438 00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,003 It's not as nice as I remember it, though. 439 00:19:00,043 --> 00:19:01,923 It's a different room. 440 00:19:01,963 --> 00:19:04,563 I tried to get our room, but they'd had to seal it off 441 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,123 because they couldn't get our sex funk out. 442 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:12,083 We should probably have some sex now, don't you think? 443 00:19:14,123 --> 00:19:16,203 I-- 444 00:19:16,243 --> 00:19:18,763 This is pushing down on my fart maker, 445 00:19:18,803 --> 00:19:21,963 so I'm not sure it's a good idea. 446 00:19:22,003 --> 00:19:23,123 Okay. 447 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,443 Hey, how are your feet? 448 00:19:24,483 --> 00:19:26,043 Those shoes look painful. 449 00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:27,403 They're killing me. 450 00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:29,563 Let me rub them a little bit. 451 00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:32,203 Mm, thank you. 452 00:19:32,243 --> 00:19:35,923 Oh, hey, Fergal was great today, by the way. 453 00:19:35,963 --> 00:19:39,203 I guess whatever he was going on about wasn't that bad. 454 00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:41,683 Oh, no, it was that bad. I forgot to tell you. 455 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:44,163 This guy from Mallandra's work texted her 456 00:19:44,203 --> 00:19:46,403 that she looked sexy in her new dress, 457 00:19:46,443 --> 00:19:48,563 so Fergal went round to his house and attacked him, 458 00:19:48,603 --> 00:19:50,323 then he tried to put him in the dress. 459 00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:52,323 Dislocated the guy's shoulder. 460 00:19:52,363 --> 00:19:55,003 But he's decided to drop charges now, so they're all okay. 461 00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:58,403 Oh. Oh, good. 462 00:19:58,443 --> 00:20:00,523 I mean, that's terrifying. 463 00:20:03,923 --> 00:20:05,563 Wow. 464 00:20:05,603 --> 00:20:06,963 What? 465 00:20:07,003 --> 00:20:08,963 Your toenails are mighty long. 466 00:20:09,003 --> 00:20:10,683 Oh, no. I'm sorry. 467 00:20:10,723 --> 00:20:12,683 Every time I try to bend over to clip them, 468 00:20:12,723 --> 00:20:14,283 I feel like I'm going to puke and-- 469 00:20:14,323 --> 00:20:15,963 It's okay. I'll clip them for you. 470 00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:19,843 What? No, I'll get a pedicure tomorrow or-- 471 00:20:19,883 --> 00:20:21,283 That's ridiculous. 472 00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:22,723 You're my wife, you're pregnant, 473 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,523 your toenails are a hate crime, 474 00:20:24,563 --> 00:20:26,723 so instead of having sex on our wedding night, 475 00:20:26,763 --> 00:20:28,283 I'm going to cut your toenails. 476 00:20:34,203 --> 00:20:35,123 Hey. 477 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,483 Can I change my mind? 478 00:20:50,523 --> 00:20:52,563 About what? 479 00:20:52,603 --> 00:20:54,763 I think we should have some sex. 480 00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:58,843 What? 481 00:21:00,123 --> 00:21:01,323 What? 482 00:21:01,363 --> 00:21:03,843 Well, you just hesitated. 483 00:21:03,883 --> 00:21:07,043 No, it's just I have a handful of your toenails, 484 00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:08,563 so it's not exactly foreplay. 485 00:21:08,603 --> 00:21:10,643 It was your idea. I mean, 486 00:21:10,683 --> 00:21:13,163 if clipping my toenails is going to turn you off, 487 00:21:13,203 --> 00:21:14,723 don't clip my toenails. 488 00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:16,243 Well, I wanted to help you. 489 00:21:16,283 --> 00:21:17,923 I mean, they were claw-like. 490 00:21:17,963 --> 00:21:19,123 They're not claw-like. 491 00:21:19,163 --> 00:21:20,403 They're claw-like and gnarly. 492 00:21:20,443 --> 00:21:22,363 You know what? Just forget it. 493 00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:23,803 No, don't. Listen, 494 00:21:23,843 --> 00:21:25,803 I'm not saying I don't want to. 495 00:21:25,843 --> 00:21:27,123 Jesus, I hesitated 496 00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:29,523 because I looked at the contents of my hand, 497 00:21:29,563 --> 00:21:30,963 and then it took a second 498 00:21:31,003 --> 00:21:34,083 for me to divert the blood from my brain to my dick. 499 00:21:34,123 --> 00:21:35,843 Now you're making me feel shit. 500 00:21:35,883 --> 00:21:39,123 Great, like I don't feel shit enough. 501 00:21:40,203 --> 00:21:41,963 Why are you doing that? 502 00:21:42,003 --> 00:21:44,803 Because you hurt my feelings. 503 00:21:44,843 --> 00:21:46,683 I don't really want to look at your face right now. 504 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:49,003 I don't want look at yours, either, 505 00:21:49,043 --> 00:21:51,443 because you've twisted it from its normal beautiful state 506 00:21:51,483 --> 00:21:55,443 into a frowny little sourpuss like you do every day. 507 00:21:55,483 --> 00:21:57,243 Like I do every day? 508 00:21:57,283 --> 00:21:59,443 What, every day of my cursed pregnancy 509 00:21:59,483 --> 00:22:01,843 where I've got to go to the doctor three times a week 510 00:22:01,883 --> 00:22:03,523 because I'm 41 and every possible thing 511 00:22:03,563 --> 00:22:05,203 that could have gone wrong has gone wrong? 512 00:22:05,243 --> 00:22:08,243 I know. I've been there every step of the way, 513 00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:10,523 and it hasn't been a blast for me, either. 514 00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:13,483 Oh, well, why don't you go and fuck another drunk woman 515 00:22:13,523 --> 00:22:16,363 and see if she'll have a nicer, less complicated pregnancy for you? 516 00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:17,923 You know, I would, 517 00:22:17,963 --> 00:22:21,323 but I've already hitched my wagon to this horse. 518 00:22:21,363 --> 00:22:22,763 Horse? 519 00:22:22,803 --> 00:22:24,563 Horse, I don't know, donkey, 520 00:22:24,603 --> 00:22:26,043 whatever you hitch a wagon to. 521 00:22:26,083 --> 00:22:27,243 A beast of burden. 522 00:22:27,283 --> 00:22:28,403 Get out. 523 00:22:28,443 --> 00:22:30,923 You fucking get out. You have a house. 524 00:22:30,963 --> 00:22:32,443 I'll stay here in this hotel 525 00:22:32,483 --> 00:22:34,603 that I never should have left in the first place. 526 00:22:34,643 --> 00:22:37,043 Okay. 527 00:22:37,083 --> 00:22:38,443 [muttering] 528 00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,363 Bullshit. 529 00:22:40,403 --> 00:22:42,923 Never should have left. What's that supposed to mean? 530 00:22:42,963 --> 00:22:44,763 Wait, are you really going? 531 00:22:44,803 --> 00:22:47,603 Are you really leaving on our wedding night? 532 00:22:47,643 --> 00:22:49,003 Are you shitting me? 533 00:22:49,043 --> 00:22:51,763 This isn't a fucking soap opera. 534 00:22:51,803 --> 00:22:55,523 All I have ever done is try and do the right thing. 535 00:22:55,563 --> 00:22:57,283 The right thing? 536 00:22:57,323 --> 00:22:59,523 That's what this is? 537 00:22:59,563 --> 00:23:01,483 That's what you're doing? The right thing? 538 00:23:01,523 --> 00:23:03,843 You fucking duty-bound Boy Scout. 539 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:05,923 - I didn't mean-- - I don't want to be the right thing. 540 00:23:05,963 --> 00:23:09,563 I want to be a choice. That's why I fucking hate this. 541 00:23:09,603 --> 00:23:11,083 You are without a doubt 542 00:23:11,123 --> 00:23:13,683 the most hard-to-please person I have ever met. 543 00:23:13,723 --> 00:23:15,763 If I showed you a rainbow, 544 00:23:15,803 --> 00:23:18,283 you'd be like, "Oh, there's too many colors. 545 00:23:18,323 --> 00:23:20,363 "There's too many colors on one thing. 546 00:23:20,403 --> 00:23:25,203 Yeah, well, at least I don't sell drugs that kill astronauts. 547 00:23:25,243 --> 00:23:28,003 I just started there, 548 00:23:28,043 --> 00:23:29,883 and they don't kill people anymore. 549 00:23:29,923 --> 00:23:32,763 Oh, and you believe that, you gullible American prick? 550 00:23:32,803 --> 00:23:34,403 I only took that job because of you, 551 00:23:34,443 --> 00:23:36,283 you fucking ingrate shrew! 552 00:23:44,323 --> 00:23:46,763 Fucking Christ! 553 00:23:46,803 --> 00:23:49,483 - Why the fuck did I-- - [knock on door] 554 00:23:52,163 --> 00:23:54,523 - I'm so sorry. - My waters broke. 555 00:23:54,563 --> 00:23:56,123 My waters broke, and it's too early. 556 00:23:56,163 --> 00:23:57,123 What? 557 00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:04,443 ♪♪ [male singer vocalizing]