1 00:00:06,203 --> 00:00:07,763 - Aw, look, she's asleep. - Yeah. 2 00:00:07,803 --> 00:00:09,563 Look at her. 3 00:00:09,603 --> 00:00:12,203 Look. Look at her. 4 00:00:13,403 --> 00:00:15,443 [chuckling] 5 00:00:17,483 --> 00:00:21,683 [Music box plays "Frère Jacques"] 6 00:00:23,203 --> 00:00:25,363 Can I have a cuddle now? 7 00:00:25,403 --> 00:00:26,923 Sure. 8 00:00:28,443 --> 00:00:30,843 - Can I have a mouth cuddle? - Mm-hmm. 9 00:00:33,763 --> 00:00:36,563 [snickering] 10 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,643 What's funny? 11 00:00:38,683 --> 00:00:41,763 No, it's-- it's the lullaby music-- it's-- 12 00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:43,203 Sorry. [laughs] 13 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,443 Do you want me to put on some Motoörhead? 14 00:00:45,483 --> 00:00:47,203 I mean, tell-- tell me what you want me to put on 15 00:00:47,243 --> 00:00:49,283 because I'd like to have sex with you. 16 00:00:49,323 --> 00:00:52,803 Me, too. I just-- Can we do it in the morning? 17 00:00:56,283 --> 00:00:58,403 [sigh] 18 00:00:58,443 --> 00:00:59,723 What's the matter? 19 00:00:59,763 --> 00:01:01,323 Nothing. 20 00:01:01,363 --> 00:01:02,563 No, you know what? 21 00:01:02,603 --> 00:01:05,643 Sexual rain checks are abusive. 22 00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:07,523 What? 23 00:01:09,083 --> 00:01:11,763 What? I just got the fucking baby to sleep. 24 00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:14,243 It's just not healthy, the way that you are with her now. 25 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:17,043 You know what you remind me of, the way that you hold her, 26 00:01:17,083 --> 00:01:18,843 the way that you gaze at her? 27 00:01:18,883 --> 00:01:20,643 Gollum. 28 00:01:20,683 --> 00:01:22,003 from Lord Of The Rings? 29 00:01:22,043 --> 00:01:24,083 Andy Smeagol, the weird CGI man-thing? 30 00:01:24,123 --> 00:01:25,483 Yeah, I know who Gollum is. 31 00:01:25,523 --> 00:01:26,803 Good, because that's what I see 32 00:01:26,843 --> 00:01:28,403 - when I look at you now. - Because? 33 00:01:28,443 --> 00:01:30,323 Because of the way you're all hunched over her, 34 00:01:30,363 --> 00:01:33,963 like "Don't touch my precious. Stay away from my precious." 35 00:01:34,003 --> 00:01:36,643 Well, you know, um, first off, 36 00:01:36,683 --> 00:01:38,243 I thought you were comparing me to Gollum 37 00:01:38,283 --> 00:01:40,363 because of my sunken eyes, so now I don't even care. 38 00:01:40,403 --> 00:01:42,083 And secondly, look at you. 39 00:01:42,123 --> 00:01:46,083 You're shouting at your family with a massive boner. 40 00:01:46,123 --> 00:01:47,923 - Are you proud of yourself? - I'm not shouting. 41 00:01:47,963 --> 00:01:50,603 Why are you still hard? 42 00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,243 [crying] 43 00:01:58,283 --> 00:01:59,563 Fran's seeing someone. 44 00:01:59,603 --> 00:02:01,803 I'm 95% sure. 45 00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:03,003 Why are you so sure? 46 00:02:03,043 --> 00:02:04,403 She told me. 47 00:02:04,443 --> 00:02:05,843 But I figured there's a 5% chance 48 00:02:05,883 --> 00:02:07,243 she's lying just to piss me off. 49 00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:08,883 Right. What are you going to do? 50 00:02:08,923 --> 00:02:10,323 I'm going to wait until Jeffrey's 18, 51 00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:11,723 then I'm going to divorce her. 52 00:02:11,763 --> 00:02:13,283 Let Fran fuck her new lover boy 53 00:02:13,323 --> 00:02:15,243 and I can fuck whoever I want to fuck. 54 00:02:15,283 --> 00:02:16,843 Or hug, for Christ's sake. 55 00:02:16,883 --> 00:02:19,403 I'd settle for a hug. I would. 56 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,083 I'll hug you. 57 00:02:21,123 --> 00:02:22,603 Come on, then. 58 00:02:25,923 --> 00:02:29,003 I'm serious, you know. You only get one shot at life, 59 00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:31,483 and then you end up in a ditch or an urn. 60 00:02:31,523 --> 00:02:33,683 I don't want to have any regrets. 61 00:02:36,163 --> 00:02:38,203 Sometimes... 62 00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:40,483 And I've had this feeling for a number of years 63 00:02:40,523 --> 00:02:41,883 and never acted on it, 64 00:02:41,923 --> 00:02:43,683 but sometimes I find myself thinking 65 00:02:43,723 --> 00:02:45,483 that I'd like to have sexual intercourse 66 00:02:45,523 --> 00:02:47,203 with women who have penises. 67 00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:49,683 Right. 68 00:02:49,723 --> 00:02:51,643 Where she plays with my penis 69 00:02:51,683 --> 00:02:53,363 and I play with hers, sexually, in a bed. 70 00:02:53,403 --> 00:02:55,643 Okay. 71 00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:57,283 "Okay" okay? 72 00:02:57,323 --> 00:02:58,523 Yeah. Okay. 73 00:02:58,563 --> 00:03:00,683 You're separated from your wife. 74 00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:03,603 You're 95% sure she's fucking somebody else. 75 00:03:03,643 --> 00:03:06,123 If you want to do a consensual thing with another adult 76 00:03:06,163 --> 00:03:09,203 that makes you happy or jizz, then you should do it. 77 00:03:09,243 --> 00:03:10,683 It's not a gay thing. Don't think it's a gay thing. 78 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:12,203 - Who cares? - I do. 79 00:03:12,243 --> 00:03:14,603 Okay, then it's not a gay thing. 80 00:03:17,563 --> 00:03:19,163 Want to share a burrata? 81 00:03:19,203 --> 00:03:20,723 Yeah. 82 00:03:20,763 --> 00:03:22,843 Look at her. She's gorgeous. 83 00:03:22,883 --> 00:03:26,643 Babies get so much attention! 84 00:03:26,683 --> 00:03:29,123 It's nice, isn't it? For the mums. 85 00:03:30,323 --> 00:03:31,683 It's funny, 86 00:03:31,723 --> 00:03:33,203 but with all Jeffrey's film, TV work, 87 00:03:33,243 --> 00:03:35,083 that's never really stopped for us. 88 00:03:35,123 --> 00:03:36,883 Right. Where is Jeffrey? 89 00:03:36,923 --> 00:03:38,723 He's, uh, 90 00:03:38,763 --> 00:03:40,803 he's having some acupuncture done in his trailer. 91 00:03:40,843 --> 00:03:43,403 Bradley Cooper won't make eye contact with anyone, 92 00:03:43,443 --> 00:03:45,003 so he was getting a little bit anxious. 93 00:03:46,923 --> 00:03:50,163 Hello, there, Mi... 94 00:03:50,203 --> 00:03:51,563 Mu... 95 00:03:51,603 --> 00:03:53,043 How do you say her name again? 96 00:03:53,083 --> 00:03:54,563 "Mweren." 97 00:03:55,923 --> 00:03:57,243 It's all character-building stuff, 98 00:03:57,283 --> 00:03:58,403 isn't it, a tricky name? 99 00:03:58,443 --> 00:03:59,403 I wouldn't worry about it. 100 00:03:59,443 --> 00:04:00,523 I'm not. 101 00:04:00,563 --> 00:04:02,043 How's Rob? 102 00:04:02,083 --> 00:04:04,323 How's Rob? He's, uh... 103 00:04:04,363 --> 00:04:07,283 selfish, horny, good with the kids. 104 00:04:07,323 --> 00:04:11,283 That must be nice, having a horny husband. 105 00:04:11,323 --> 00:04:13,163 For the last year, every night I went to bed, 106 00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:15,203 Chris pretended to be asleep. 107 00:04:15,243 --> 00:04:18,523 Snores, sleepy little fidgets, the odd fart. 108 00:04:18,563 --> 00:04:21,483 It bothered me at first, but then something inside me died, 109 00:04:21,523 --> 00:04:23,563 and I just stopped caring. 110 00:04:23,603 --> 00:04:25,003 I mean, I'm not saying 111 00:04:25,043 --> 00:04:26,923 that you should have sex with Rob against your will, 112 00:04:26,963 --> 00:04:28,483 but if you care about your marriage, 113 00:04:28,523 --> 00:04:29,883 you definitely should. 114 00:04:30,843 --> 00:04:32,403 I've taken a lover. 115 00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:35,403 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 116 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,323 So, that's-- I mean, what are you going to-- 117 00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:38,883 Well, when Jeffrey goes to university, 118 00:04:38,923 --> 00:04:40,363 we're getting a divorce. 119 00:04:45,803 --> 00:04:49,483 Five years. Just five more years. 120 00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:57,883 Hello, nice lady. 121 00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,003 We need to have sex, 122 00:04:59,043 --> 00:05:00,403 but, like, good sex. 123 00:05:00,443 --> 00:05:02,123 - Okay. - I've been thinking about it, 124 00:05:02,163 --> 00:05:03,723 and the fact is we're gonna have a relationship 125 00:05:03,763 --> 00:05:05,323 with each other until we die because of the kids, 126 00:05:05,363 --> 00:05:06,443 and it can be good, or it could be shit, 127 00:05:06,483 --> 00:05:07,603 but that's up to us. 128 00:05:07,643 --> 00:05:09,003 I'm so glad you said that. 129 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:10,763 I saw a couple groping each other 130 00:05:10,803 --> 00:05:12,243 on the Tube this morning, 131 00:05:12,283 --> 00:05:14,323 - and I got so sad. - I know. 132 00:05:14,363 --> 00:05:16,123 I watched that episode of Game Of Thronesagain, 133 00:05:16,163 --> 00:05:18,243 where Jaime fucks Cersei beside Joffrey's dead body, 134 00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:20,403 and even that made me sad. They were so passionate, 135 00:05:20,443 --> 00:05:21,843 and they'd been together years. 136 00:05:27,163 --> 00:05:30,203 Uh, it's-- it's not getting hard. 137 00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:32,043 I don't know. 138 00:05:32,083 --> 00:05:33,963 I mean, I haven't jerked off in, like, three days. 139 00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:35,723 What'd you jerk off to three days ago? 140 00:05:35,763 --> 00:05:38,643 A butt. A butt that I saw. 141 00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:40,283 [grunt] 142 00:05:42,123 --> 00:05:43,443 [groan] 143 00:05:45,323 --> 00:05:46,963 Are we sexually incompatible now? 144 00:05:47,003 --> 00:05:49,963 No, we're just stressed and tired. 145 00:05:50,003 --> 00:05:51,363 Okay. 146 00:05:51,403 --> 00:05:53,043 Because I still fancy you. 147 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:54,923 I very fancy you. 148 00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,043 Oh, hey, look. 149 00:05:58,083 --> 00:05:59,723 Something's happening down there. 150 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,083 It's not. 151 00:06:04,123 --> 00:06:06,043 I mean, I can't sit on that. 152 00:06:07,123 --> 00:06:08,403 Well, listen, let's-- 153 00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:10,203 let's go away for the weekend. 154 00:06:10,243 --> 00:06:11,963 Let's go to Paris or somewhere. 155 00:06:12,003 --> 00:06:13,003 I'll get us a nice hotel. 156 00:06:13,043 --> 00:06:14,923 We can eat steak tartare in bed, 157 00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:17,003 and I can go down on you from behind 158 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,603 in a big hotel shower, like we used to do. 159 00:06:19,643 --> 00:06:21,723 Or, if we're too tired because we're old, 160 00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:23,123 we can just hold hands 161 00:06:23,163 --> 00:06:24,803 and look out the window at the Eiffel Tower. 162 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,163 Does that sound nice? 163 00:06:26,203 --> 00:06:29,323 - Quite nice, yeah. - [Muireann cries] 164 00:06:29,363 --> 00:06:32,243 Uh, what about them? 165 00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:33,683 They're not invited. 166 00:06:33,723 --> 00:06:37,283 [crying continues] 167 00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:40,883 Oh, shit, is that this weekend? 168 00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:43,043 - Yes. - I'm just messing. 169 00:06:43,083 --> 00:06:44,563 How much would that suck? 170 00:06:44,603 --> 00:06:46,243 Why are you always at home? Don't you work? 171 00:06:46,283 --> 00:06:47,603 All I need to work is a laptop, 172 00:06:47,643 --> 00:06:48,843 a phone, and this. 173 00:06:48,883 --> 00:06:50,043 What, a shit hairdo? 174 00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:51,163 - I only want the boy. - Too bad. 175 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,563 - You're going to Paris? - Yeah. 176 00:06:53,603 --> 00:06:56,163 Oh, that'll be nice for you. A bit of culture for the Yank. 177 00:06:56,203 --> 00:06:58,483 Actually, I did my junior year at college there. 178 00:06:58,523 --> 00:06:59,523 Really? 179 00:06:59,563 --> 00:07:00,763 Moi aussi. 180 00:07:00,803 --> 00:07:02,123 Tu parle français? 181 00:07:02,163 --> 00:07:03,243 - Jesus. - Oui. 182 00:07:03,283 --> 00:07:04,563 En fait, je parles français. 183 00:07:04,603 --> 00:07:06,083 - Ooh, "en fait"? - Yeah. 184 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,323 Ah, fuck off! 185 00:07:20,363 --> 00:07:21,803 This isn't the end of this. 186 00:07:21,843 --> 00:07:23,803 Thanks for looking after the kids. 187 00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,123 - We owe you one. - Not at all. My pleasure. 188 00:07:26,163 --> 00:07:28,683 Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something. 189 00:07:28,723 --> 00:07:30,883 I need, um... 190 00:07:30,923 --> 00:07:32,123 a short-term loan. 191 00:07:32,163 --> 00:07:34,003 I'll have it back to you in four weeks, 192 00:07:34,043 --> 00:07:35,403 five at the most. Really. 193 00:07:35,443 --> 00:07:36,563 It's a business opportunity, really. 194 00:07:36,603 --> 00:07:37,723 Okay, uh... How much are we-- 195 00:07:37,763 --> 00:07:40,363 Just 10 grand. 15 if you want. 196 00:07:40,403 --> 00:07:42,123 Yeah, I think I want to help, 197 00:07:42,163 --> 00:07:43,883 but I'll have to talk to Sharon. 198 00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:45,963 You can't tell Sharon. She'll only worry about me. 199 00:07:46,003 --> 00:07:48,603 And it would literally be, you know, five weeks, six tops! 200 00:07:48,643 --> 00:07:49,643 [giggling] 201 00:07:49,683 --> 00:07:51,603 So keep my kids alive. 202 00:07:51,643 --> 00:07:53,403 It'll reflect very badly on you 203 00:07:53,443 --> 00:07:54,683 if anything happens to them, plus I'll kill you. 204 00:07:54,723 --> 00:07:55,803 Also, thank you. 205 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,643 - Bye-bye-bye. - Bye, Mummy. 206 00:07:57,683 --> 00:08:00,563 Bye. Bye, Muireann. Bye-bye-bye. 207 00:08:00,603 --> 00:08:02,563 I love you. Bye. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 208 00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:12,643 [laughing] 209 00:08:12,683 --> 00:08:14,763 Are you fucking kidding me? 210 00:08:14,803 --> 00:08:16,483 Yeah, I am. 211 00:08:16,523 --> 00:08:20,443 This joke cost me £12. I'm glad it worked. 212 00:08:20,483 --> 00:08:22,963 - [clatter] - Desolé. 213 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,883 I already know I'm going to be more attracted to you in France. 214 00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,883 I'm going to order a tiny bottle of champagne. 215 00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:29,643 I'm going to order three baguettes. 216 00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:31,643 Aw! 217 00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:33,203 I'm going to go grab my beret. 218 00:08:33,243 --> 00:08:34,563 Sure. [laughing] 219 00:08:39,963 --> 00:08:42,363 [announcement in French] 220 00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:52,523 - Do you like it? - I love it. 221 00:08:52,563 --> 00:08:54,283 I had it completely refurbished for you. 222 00:08:54,323 --> 00:08:55,723 Thank you. 223 00:08:55,763 --> 00:08:57,283 Is this the hotel Johnny Depp stays in? 224 00:08:57,323 --> 00:08:59,123 You know it is. Why do you keep asking me that? 225 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,043 Because it's fun. 226 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,243 Let's go straight up to the room. I need to freshen up. 227 00:09:03,283 --> 00:09:04,923 I don't want Johnny to see me like this. 228 00:09:10,443 --> 00:09:12,963 I think I'm going to have to pump before we go. 229 00:09:13,003 --> 00:09:15,203 I see that French baby downstairs, 230 00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:18,643 my tits just immediately balloon with milk. 231 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:21,123 - Have you seen the pump? - No, where'd you pack it? 232 00:09:21,163 --> 00:09:22,843 If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking you, would I? 233 00:09:26,683 --> 00:09:28,123 Oh, fuck. 234 00:09:29,323 --> 00:09:30,923 I forgot the pump. 235 00:09:34,083 --> 00:09:35,843 Oh, shit. 236 00:09:35,883 --> 00:09:38,443 Did the handjob not work? 237 00:09:38,483 --> 00:09:40,603 No, it did but the left one's already full again. 238 00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:43,723 Well, do you want me to, you know... 239 00:09:43,763 --> 00:09:45,843 - What? - Suck the milk? 240 00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:47,803 I'll suck the milk out. I don't mind doing it. 241 00:09:47,843 --> 00:09:49,443 I mind! 242 00:09:49,483 --> 00:09:51,643 I didn't come to Paris to nurse my giant husband. 243 00:09:51,683 --> 00:09:53,643 Well, it looks like we've got our signals crossed 244 00:09:53,683 --> 00:09:55,403 - because I specifically-- - [laughing] 245 00:09:55,443 --> 00:09:57,723 What? At least I won't shit myself while I do it. 246 00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,243 Muireann does that because she's relaxed. 247 00:09:59,283 --> 00:10:01,483 She's like, "Oh, this is so--" [raspberry] 248 00:10:01,523 --> 00:10:02,723 Yeah, I'm relaxed, too, 249 00:10:02,763 --> 00:10:04,443 but I know how to keep my asshole closed 250 00:10:04,483 --> 00:10:06,443 - when I'm sucking a titty. - [laugh] 251 00:10:11,243 --> 00:10:13,083 Will you ask in your French? 252 00:10:13,123 --> 00:10:16,043 Oh, Christ. Did you not take French in school? 253 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,763 - No. I did German. - Really? 254 00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:20,123 Say something to me in German. 255 00:10:20,163 --> 00:10:21,163 [scoff] 256 00:10:22,843 --> 00:10:24,083 No. 257 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,043 Huh. 258 00:10:26,283 --> 00:10:28,083 - Bonjour. - Bonjour. 259 00:10:33,123 --> 00:10:35,163 No. Uh... uh... 260 00:10:42,603 --> 00:10:43,643 No, no. 261 00:10:50,163 --> 00:10:52,043 Un instance, Monsieur. Excusez-moi. 262 00:10:52,083 --> 00:10:53,963 Has she got any? 263 00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:55,523 I don't know. She's-- She's asking her friend. 264 00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:58,083 She doesn't seem to understand my question. 265 00:10:58,123 --> 00:10:59,923 I'm going to get mastitis. Oh, my God. 266 00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,363 I'm going to have to get antibiotics 267 00:11:01,403 --> 00:11:02,483 from a French hospital. 268 00:11:08,403 --> 00:11:09,603 What? What'd she say? 269 00:11:09,643 --> 00:11:11,523 Look, nous avons besoin de-- 270 00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:12,843 Tell her my tits are rock solid. 271 00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:14,203 ...de lait de ma femme. 272 00:11:14,243 --> 00:11:15,523 You know what's going to come out 273 00:11:15,563 --> 00:11:17,083 next time I breast-feed? Not milk. 274 00:11:17,123 --> 00:11:19,003 Blood and pus. 275 00:11:22,243 --> 00:11:24,883 I know what chienne and psychopathemean. 276 00:11:24,923 --> 00:11:26,883 Well, yeah, I was talking to her. 277 00:11:26,923 --> 00:11:28,963 I was telling this... fucking psychopath 278 00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:31,243 that if she doesn't help me get the milk out of my wife, 279 00:11:31,283 --> 00:11:32,683 then I don't know what I'm going to do. 280 00:11:33,563 --> 00:11:35,763 Oh, okay. 281 00:11:37,963 --> 00:11:39,523 Alors... 282 00:11:44,163 --> 00:11:46,083 Right. 283 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,483 I'm just going to... okay? 284 00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:49,963 Order me the Frenchiest thing on the menu. 285 00:11:50,003 --> 00:11:52,203 Okay. So like a cigarette stabbed through a baguette? 286 00:11:52,243 --> 00:11:53,163 [laughing] 287 00:11:54,443 --> 00:11:56,403 - [phone jangles] - Merci. 288 00:11:58,363 --> 00:11:59,883 Hey, man. What's up? 289 00:11:59,923 --> 00:12:01,203 - Are you in Paris? - Yep. 290 00:12:01,243 --> 00:12:02,723 Is it still a shithole? 291 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:04,363 - No, it's, uh-- - Listen, 292 00:12:04,403 --> 00:12:05,763 I just wanted to say I'm paranoid 293 00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:07,563 about what we talked about the other day, 294 00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,483 and it's between you and me. 295 00:12:09,523 --> 00:12:12,403 - You can't tell Sharon. - Absolutely, I wouldn't-- 296 00:12:12,443 --> 00:12:14,523 Good. I'm, uh, ahem, 297 00:12:14,563 --> 00:12:17,123 just about to head into the cinema, so I've got to go. 298 00:12:17,163 --> 00:12:19,403 All right, man. Well, I'll talk-- 299 00:12:19,443 --> 00:12:21,203 God. 300 00:12:21,243 --> 00:12:23,283 It needs bloody batteries. 301 00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:25,443 Let's just eat and we'll just get some on the way 302 00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:28,763 [pained] home. Ow. God, they're so sore. 303 00:12:28,803 --> 00:12:30,043 Who was that on the phone? 304 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,163 Is everything okay with the babies? Ow. 305 00:12:44,523 --> 00:12:46,243 Stop watching me drinking. 306 00:12:46,283 --> 00:12:48,763 So just stop looking at you? 307 00:12:51,643 --> 00:12:53,483 Aw. I'm not sure 308 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,203 I'm ever going to get used to having a husband 309 00:12:55,243 --> 00:12:58,523 who I can't share just a lovely glass of lovely wine with. 310 00:12:58,563 --> 00:13:01,563 It's really hard, you know, for me. 311 00:13:01,603 --> 00:13:04,323 My fantasy was always that when I get to 60, 312 00:13:04,363 --> 00:13:05,643 I'd have loads of money 313 00:13:05,683 --> 00:13:07,283 and I could hire a bodyguard 314 00:13:07,323 --> 00:13:08,483 to protect other people from me 315 00:13:08,523 --> 00:13:09,883 and a driver so that I could drink 316 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,083 the way that I wanted to. 317 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,763 What? 318 00:13:12,803 --> 00:13:14,203 So you're going to start drinking again? 319 00:13:14,243 --> 00:13:15,923 No, I just thought it might be something 320 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,763 I might try again in the future. 321 00:13:17,803 --> 00:13:19,483 Why are you even thinking about drinking? 322 00:13:19,523 --> 00:13:20,843 - I'm not. - Yes, you are! 323 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:21,923 You just were. 324 00:13:21,963 --> 00:13:24,003 Okay. Uh, here's a reason. 325 00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:26,283 I might slightly fit in with your family 326 00:13:26,323 --> 00:13:29,203 if I was splashing around in my own trough of Guinness. 327 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,723 What? 328 00:13:30,763 --> 00:13:33,203 That's so anti-Irish. 329 00:13:33,243 --> 00:13:34,683 Look, I wasn't-- 330 00:13:34,723 --> 00:13:36,283 Forget the whole thing, okay? 331 00:13:36,323 --> 00:13:38,363 I love your family. I love Ireland. 332 00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:40,043 And sometimes I think about drinking. 333 00:13:40,083 --> 00:13:42,323 - That's fucked up. - It's not fucked up. 334 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:44,763 - It is! - I don't drink. You do. 335 00:13:44,803 --> 00:13:46,963 One could argue that you've had too many tonight. 336 00:13:47,003 --> 00:13:48,203 Oh, could one? 337 00:13:48,243 --> 00:13:49,563 You know, I'd love to fight with you, 338 00:13:49,603 --> 00:13:51,443 but everybody else might not want their dinner 339 00:13:51,483 --> 00:13:53,283 - ruined by our bullshit. - Right. 340 00:13:53,323 --> 00:13:56,083 We're fighting because he's an alcoholic. 341 00:13:56,123 --> 00:13:58,483 I'm going to the toilet. 342 00:14:00,163 --> 00:14:01,523 Also, he hates Irish people. 343 00:14:01,563 --> 00:14:04,523 I mean, I'm his wife for some reason, so that-- 344 00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,483 Is anyone even listening to me? 345 00:14:06,523 --> 00:14:08,883 Anyway, just get your head together. 346 00:14:08,923 --> 00:14:11,323 Okay? And have a long, hard think about yourself. 347 00:14:11,363 --> 00:14:12,843 I mean, married to a drunk. 348 00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:14,323 [glass shatters] 349 00:14:15,963 --> 00:14:16,923 Pardon. 350 00:14:18,283 --> 00:14:20,043 My tits hurt. 351 00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:21,963 Get over here. 352 00:14:31,363 --> 00:14:34,083 They hate us here. We're scum. 353 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,803 No, they don't. French people get high off of this shit. 354 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,443 Fighting into kissing? 355 00:14:38,483 --> 00:14:40,963 We just performed a live Fellini film for them. 356 00:14:41,003 --> 00:14:42,963 - Fellini's Italian. - Good for him. 357 00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:44,723 Do you want to go back to the hotel? 358 00:14:44,763 --> 00:14:46,443 Yeah. 359 00:14:46,483 --> 00:14:48,163 Oh, let's go to that bar we passed 360 00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:49,923 with all the dodgy guys out the front first. 361 00:14:49,963 --> 00:14:51,443 Why? 362 00:14:51,483 --> 00:14:53,203 Because I want to get a little-- 363 00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:57,443 - Weed. - Yeah, I got it. 364 00:14:57,483 --> 00:15:00,083 [laughing] 365 00:15:16,323 --> 00:15:19,523 Amaretto on the rocks. 366 00:15:19,563 --> 00:15:20,763 Hey. 367 00:15:22,163 --> 00:15:23,883 Kenneth? 368 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:24,843 No. 369 00:15:34,843 --> 00:15:36,043 Kenneth? 370 00:15:36,083 --> 00:15:37,563 [toilet flushes] 371 00:15:50,923 --> 00:15:52,763 Rob... 372 00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:54,443 you sure you don't want some of this? 373 00:15:54,483 --> 00:15:56,123 Yeah. I'm sure I don't want 374 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:58,523 any of your stinky French weed. 375 00:15:58,563 --> 00:16:00,683 And if we get kicked out of this hotel 376 00:16:00,723 --> 00:16:02,243 - because of the smell-- - As if they'd give a shit 377 00:16:02,283 --> 00:16:03,883 about a bit of weed in this hotel. 378 00:16:03,923 --> 00:16:05,963 Johnny Depp is a habitual weed smoker. 379 00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:07,723 They c-can't have one rule for Johnny Depp 380 00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:08,923 and one rule for me. 381 00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:10,523 I'm pretty sure they can. 382 00:16:17,923 --> 00:16:20,283 [pumping] 383 00:16:21,403 --> 00:16:23,243 You're pumping while high? 384 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,043 Yeah. Why wouldn't I? 385 00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:26,243 I mean, it's the best time to-- 386 00:16:26,283 --> 00:16:27,203 Oh, sh-- 387 00:16:28,323 --> 00:16:29,323 Ow. 388 00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:32,643 Man: Chris! 389 00:16:33,803 --> 00:16:34,763 Chris! 390 00:16:35,883 --> 00:16:37,643 - Dave. - Hey. 391 00:16:37,683 --> 00:16:38,843 Shit, man. I didn't see you there. 392 00:16:38,883 --> 00:16:40,083 What's, uh, what's up? 393 00:16:40,123 --> 00:16:41,803 Ah, just a bit of midnight yoga. 394 00:16:41,843 --> 00:16:43,243 Ah, this is Catherine, 395 00:16:43,283 --> 00:16:45,003 my extraordinarily beautiful girlfriend. 396 00:16:45,043 --> 00:16:46,603 - Hi. - Hi. 397 00:16:46,643 --> 00:16:48,723 Street meat? I don't know what animal it is, 398 00:16:48,763 --> 00:16:50,243 - but it tastes fucking brilliant. - No, thank you. 399 00:16:50,283 --> 00:16:51,643 So what are you doing here? 400 00:16:51,683 --> 00:16:53,243 Looking for a bit of cock-a-doodle-doo? 401 00:16:53,283 --> 00:16:55,283 What? No. 402 00:16:55,323 --> 00:16:58,163 I'm j-- I'm just messing with you, man. 403 00:16:58,203 --> 00:17:00,563 Y-You wouldn't know it, but that door is actually 404 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:03,123 one of the biggest cock meat markets in London. 405 00:17:03,163 --> 00:17:06,643 [chuckle] Right. Got you. Good to know. 406 00:17:06,683 --> 00:17:10,043 No, I was just walking home from a movie. 407 00:17:10,083 --> 00:17:12,283 Oh, cool. What did you see? 408 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,163 Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation. 409 00:17:22,163 --> 00:17:23,563 I swear to God, I think I've broken a rib. 410 00:17:23,603 --> 00:17:25,723 It's just every time I try and breathe, I-- 411 00:17:27,203 --> 00:17:28,843 I just feel like I can't take proper breaths. 412 00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:30,563 Sounds sore, honey. 413 00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:33,883 [knock on door] 414 00:17:33,923 --> 00:17:35,883 If it's to clean the room, will you-- 415 00:17:35,923 --> 00:17:37,763 ow-- will you tell them to come back later? 416 00:17:40,163 --> 00:17:42,363 [door opens] 417 00:17:42,403 --> 00:17:45,163 I forgot. I booked us a joint massage. 418 00:17:45,203 --> 00:17:46,403 What? 419 00:17:46,443 --> 00:17:49,483 Oh, God, this is terrible. 420 00:17:49,523 --> 00:17:51,363 Can you tell them I've broken my rib? 421 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,843 Don't tell them how it happened, though. 422 00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:53,883 Uh... 423 00:18:01,963 --> 00:18:04,523 - Oui. - Merci. 424 00:18:04,563 --> 00:18:06,483 Did you tell them we think it's broken? 425 00:18:06,523 --> 00:18:08,843 - Yeah. - Okay. 426 00:18:08,883 --> 00:18:10,003 Ow... 427 00:18:11,923 --> 00:18:13,963 [sobbing] 428 00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:20,123 Bon. Tournez-vous, s'il vous plaît. 429 00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:22,523 I did German. 430 00:18:22,563 --> 00:18:24,363 Tournez-vous. Allez.Up. [whistles] 431 00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:25,723 Comme ça. 432 00:18:25,763 --> 00:18:28,403 - [speaking French] - Okay, okay. 433 00:18:35,003 --> 00:18:37,003 That's better. 434 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,083 What? 435 00:18:57,523 --> 00:18:58,923 - [snoring] - Rob? 436 00:19:02,483 --> 00:19:03,923 [grunt] 437 00:19:07,643 --> 00:19:09,483 Sharon: I think I've been assaulted. 438 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,523 What? 439 00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:12,043 The man massaged my tits. 440 00:19:12,083 --> 00:19:13,043 What man? 441 00:19:13,083 --> 00:19:15,163 What man? The massager. 442 00:19:15,203 --> 00:19:16,603 He massaged my tits. 443 00:19:16,643 --> 00:19:19,323 What did you do? Did you ask him to stop? 444 00:19:19,363 --> 00:19:21,123 No, I didn't. He w-- 445 00:19:21,163 --> 00:19:23,483 It's Paris. You were asleep. 446 00:19:23,523 --> 00:19:26,163 What do you want me to do? Do you want me to complain? 447 00:19:28,163 --> 00:19:29,723 I tipped him. 448 00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,843 You were asleep! 449 00:19:32,883 --> 00:19:35,123 I had to pay them. You know, you have to tip. 450 00:19:35,163 --> 00:19:37,083 It's Paris! 451 00:19:37,123 --> 00:19:38,763 I don't know what you ordered. 452 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,843 Well, I didn't order that. 453 00:19:40,883 --> 00:19:43,003 I'm not sure we can complain if you tipped him. 454 00:19:45,203 --> 00:19:46,883 Do you want to go to the Pompidou Centre? 455 00:19:48,603 --> 00:19:50,123 Yeah, all right. 456 00:19:51,923 --> 00:19:52,883 [groan] 457 00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:57,203 You having a nice time? 458 00:19:57,243 --> 00:19:58,883 Not really. 459 00:19:58,923 --> 00:20:00,883 I don't think we're holiday people. 460 00:20:00,923 --> 00:20:02,003 How do you mean? 461 00:20:02,043 --> 00:20:03,643 Well, I just-- 462 00:20:03,683 --> 00:20:06,323 I think we're good on a Tuesday, you know? 463 00:20:06,363 --> 00:20:08,003 When it's raining. 464 00:20:08,043 --> 00:20:10,243 Like, my favorite time in the last year 465 00:20:10,283 --> 00:20:12,883 was when we pretended my arms didn't work, remember? 466 00:20:12,923 --> 00:20:15,443 And you washed my hair and put that weird outfit on me. 467 00:20:15,483 --> 00:20:18,603 Oh, my God. Yeah, that was the best. 468 00:20:18,643 --> 00:20:20,083 Do you think it's bad we haven't had sex 469 00:20:20,123 --> 00:20:21,283 even though we're in Paris? 470 00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:23,163 I'm not saying this to upset you, 471 00:20:23,203 --> 00:20:25,163 but I've had plenty of sex in Paris 472 00:20:25,203 --> 00:20:27,803 and it's not special to have sex in Paris. 473 00:20:27,843 --> 00:20:30,723 Fuck Paris. Is the food here that good? 474 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,723 I mean, we've only eaten cheese, if you think about it. 475 00:20:32,763 --> 00:20:34,523 I'm going to take a shit in, like, February. 476 00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:39,683 You know Fran's taken a lover? 477 00:20:39,723 --> 00:20:40,923 Yep. 478 00:20:40,963 --> 00:20:43,003 Poor Chris. 479 00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:45,323 I think he'll be okay. 480 00:20:45,363 --> 00:20:48,123 So just, you know-- 481 00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,203 Just what? 482 00:20:49,243 --> 00:20:50,883 Just, you know, don't... 483 00:20:50,923 --> 00:20:52,843 Even though we're not having tons of sex, 484 00:20:52,883 --> 00:20:54,403 don't take a lover, okay? 485 00:20:54,443 --> 00:20:56,163 Well, I don't want to take a lover, but-- 486 00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:57,363 Seriously, if you take a lover, 487 00:20:57,403 --> 00:20:58,843 I will fucking take a lover, 488 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,403 whether I want one or not. 489 00:21:00,443 --> 00:21:02,243 Okay. I won't take a lover. 490 00:21:02,283 --> 00:21:05,043 Unless Alicia Keys responds 491 00:21:05,083 --> 00:21:08,083 to the MySpace messages I sent her in 2004. 492 00:21:08,123 --> 00:21:10,443 If you hook up with Keys, I'm going after Hamm. 493 00:21:10,483 --> 00:21:12,443 Hamm? Say his full name. 494 00:21:12,483 --> 00:21:13,763 Jon Barnaby Hamm. 495 00:21:13,803 --> 00:21:14,723 Why Hamm? 496 00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:16,203 His teeth are too small. 497 00:21:16,243 --> 00:21:17,603 People don't talk about that. 498 00:21:19,843 --> 00:21:21,483 This is good, isn't it? 499 00:21:21,523 --> 00:21:23,523 This has been worth it, I think. 500 00:21:23,563 --> 00:21:24,963 We would never have talked about this 501 00:21:25,003 --> 00:21:26,283 if we hadn't come to Paris. 502 00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:28,643 You having a nice time? 503 00:21:38,283 --> 00:21:40,363 [no audible dialogue] 504 00:21:40,403 --> 00:21:42,683 I'm going to go over there and assault him, okay? 505 00:21:42,723 --> 00:21:45,843 Okay. Ah, just before you do that, just-- 506 00:21:45,883 --> 00:21:47,683 I just want to quickly tell you something first. 507 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,443 Okay. 508 00:21:49,483 --> 00:21:51,363 I may have come. 509 00:21:51,403 --> 00:21:53,563 - What? - I'm not sure. I just-- 510 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,083 And-- And it was more of a plateau, 511 00:21:55,123 --> 00:21:56,243 you know, than a full... 512 00:21:56,283 --> 00:21:58,283 Ah, maybe... 513 00:21:58,323 --> 00:22:01,083 Just because I enjoyed it doesn't make it right! 514 00:22:01,123 --> 00:22:03,603 Right. No? 515 00:22:05,803 --> 00:22:07,243 Should we just go up to the room? 516 00:22:07,283 --> 00:22:08,683 Yeah. 517 00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:12,963 Bonjour. 518 00:22:14,443 --> 00:22:15,923 What time's our train? 519 00:22:15,963 --> 00:22:18,323 6:13. 520 00:22:18,363 --> 00:22:20,243 [moaning] 521 00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:34,883 Do you think Johnny heard us? 522 00:22:34,923 --> 00:22:36,563 He definitely heard us, 523 00:22:36,603 --> 00:22:38,443 even if he's not staying here right now. 524 00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,003 [laugh] 525 00:22:45,003 --> 00:22:46,883 Is it bad that I came inside you? 526 00:22:46,923 --> 00:22:48,963 No. 527 00:22:49,003 --> 00:22:50,603 I don't know. 528 00:22:50,643 --> 00:22:52,523 It's Paris. 529 00:22:52,563 --> 00:22:55,163 You know, and if we end up conceiving a baby in Paris, 530 00:22:55,203 --> 00:22:57,723 then... [sigh] 531 00:23:02,403 --> 00:23:04,083 I didn't think that through. 532 00:23:05,723 --> 00:23:06,923 Oh, shit. 533 00:23:09,043 --> 00:23:10,523 What are you doing? 534 00:23:10,563 --> 00:23:13,163 What's it look like I'm doing? 535 00:23:13,203 --> 00:23:15,043 I learned this in convent school. 536 00:23:16,323 --> 00:23:17,643 Is it coming out? 537 00:23:17,683 --> 00:23:19,963 Uh, I don't know. 538 00:23:20,003 --> 00:23:21,403 Oh, look. There it goes. 539 00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:23,443 Wow.