1 00:00:05,022 --> 00:00:06,922 Dude, I've been sober for three months 2 00:00:06,952 --> 00:00:08,602 for the first time since I was twelve! 3 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,707 - Can't talk now. Chris is leaving. - He, what? 4 00:00:10,742 --> 00:00:12,882 - It's fine, it's just temporary. - It's not temporary! 5 00:00:12,922 --> 00:00:14,764 This is Catherine, my extraordinarily 6 00:00:14,789 --> 00:00:16,325 - beautiful girlfriend. - Hi. 7 00:00:16,351 --> 00:00:19,402 Sometimes, I find myself thinking that I'd like to have sexual 8 00:00:19,442 --> 00:00:21,602 intercourse with women who have penises. 9 00:00:23,275 --> 00:00:24,304 Right! 10 00:00:27,322 --> 00:00:30,122 - What time is it? - 7:15. 11 00:00:30,162 --> 00:00:33,382 Oh! I love it when they sleep in. 12 00:00:34,348 --> 00:00:35,682 Why do you think we don't check and see 13 00:00:35,682 --> 00:00:37,522 if Muireann's still alive any more? 14 00:00:37,562 --> 00:00:39,882 Because the very act of doing that could wake her up. 15 00:00:39,922 --> 00:00:43,922 And that's worse than her being dead. 16 00:00:43,962 --> 00:00:46,562 - Happy anniversary. - Happy anniversary! 17 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,722 It's such a pathetic anniversary though, isn't it? Three years. 18 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:57,082 - Like, that's nothing to be proud of. - I'm proud of it. 19 00:00:57,122 --> 00:01:00,162 I'm more proud of us than I am of the kids. 20 00:01:00,202 --> 00:01:02,402 - [groans] - What? No, I'm serious. 21 00:01:02,442 --> 00:01:04,332 What's to be proud of there? 22 00:01:04,372 --> 00:01:06,282 I mean, who doesn't want to take care of their kids? 23 00:01:06,322 --> 00:01:09,312 You'd have to be a monster to not want to do that. But this? 24 00:01:09,322 --> 00:01:10,759 Maintaining this? 25 00:01:10,834 --> 00:01:12,642 This is the slog. 26 00:01:12,682 --> 00:01:14,027 Thanks, lover. 27 00:01:15,119 --> 00:01:16,624 - Do you ever think about cheating on me now? 28 00:01:16,642 --> 00:01:17,712 - Mm-hmm. 29 00:01:17,727 --> 00:01:19,512 - But you haven't ever cheated on me? - No. 30 00:01:19,552 --> 00:01:21,457 - Why not? - Why haven't I cheated on you? 31 00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:22,762 Because... Loads of reasons. 32 00:01:22,802 --> 00:01:25,042 I mean, the biggest is you've been pregnant so much, 33 00:01:25,082 --> 00:01:28,442 so, not fucking some prostitute is the least I can do 34 00:01:28,482 --> 00:01:29,922 when you've been carting around our babies 35 00:01:29,962 --> 00:01:31,932 - in your body. - Wha...? 36 00:01:31,951 --> 00:01:34,242 Why does it have to be a prostitute? 37 00:01:34,282 --> 00:01:37,362 Because if you think I'm going to put time and money and effort 38 00:01:37,402 --> 00:01:40,802 into maybe getting into some woman's pants, you're crazy. 39 00:01:40,842 --> 00:01:44,012 If I ever do cheat on you, it's going to be a cash transaction 40 00:01:44,022 --> 00:01:48,002 with a guaranteed ejaculation, after which she immediately leaves 41 00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:51,002 so I can ponder suicide because of how guilty I feel. 42 00:01:51,042 --> 00:01:54,962 Aw! That's so sweet. 43 00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,586 What? 44 00:02:00,151 --> 00:02:02,482 Aren't you going to ask me if I've ever cheated? 45 00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:04,156 So arrogant! 46 00:02:04,161 --> 00:02:06,842 - Why? Have you? - No. 47 00:02:06,882 --> 00:02:09,322 Oh, but... I did come home the other day and masturbate 48 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:12,576 when a hot black guy told me I smelt good in Tesco's! 49 00:02:12,622 --> 00:02:14,842 Oh... Tesco's? 50 00:02:14,882 --> 00:02:17,212 Um, you know... 51 00:02:17,812 --> 00:02:21,962 Sex with someone else is like a nice idea in theory, but... 52 00:02:22,002 --> 00:02:24,802 Like, you have a penis, and it's fine 53 00:02:24,842 --> 00:02:26,752 and you know what to do with it now, 54 00:02:26,752 --> 00:02:29,282 and sex with a stranger, man? 55 00:02:29,322 --> 00:02:31,642 It's not like it would be any good, the first six or eight times. 56 00:02:31,682 --> 00:02:33,762 I'd have to train him, and by then I know him, 57 00:02:33,802 --> 00:02:35,762 he's a person in my life and... 58 00:02:35,802 --> 00:02:38,192 Fuck that. I may as well have sex with you at that point. 59 00:02:38,252 --> 00:02:39,445 Fair enough. 60 00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:43,522 Frankie's going to be here for his presents in a moment. 61 00:02:43,562 --> 00:02:46,282 - So better get rid of your boner. - Oh, shit. 62 00:02:46,322 --> 00:02:49,682 Yeah, he was in here the other day, kicking it. It was awful. 63 00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:53,082 I don't want my son to have any memories of any contact with his father's boner. 64 00:02:53,122 --> 00:02:55,962 - That's trouble! - Mm. Plus kids, you know, they talk. 65 00:02:56,002 --> 00:02:59,722 Yeah, he'll be in nursery today, "My daddy's penis is hard!" 66 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:02,471 "My daddy's penis was harder than normal this morning!" 67 00:03:05,401 --> 00:03:07,002 It's not going down. 68 00:03:07,042 --> 00:03:10,042 Um... think about... 69 00:03:10,082 --> 00:03:12,482 Think about Liza Minnelli eating hummus. 70 00:03:32,682 --> 00:03:35,458 Hi. I was... 71 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,754 I just want to know... 72 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,798 how much is it? 73 00:03:40,662 --> 00:03:42,867 Is that per hour or per...? 74 00:03:45,022 --> 00:03:46,106 Great! 75 00:03:47,410 --> 00:03:49,312 What the fuck! 76 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,482 You have to stop coming by without calling first. 77 00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:53,842 If you don't want me in your apartment, don't give me keys. 78 00:03:53,882 --> 00:03:56,362 - I could've been... - You could have been what? 79 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:57,828 Just call first. 80 00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,882 I brought round some of Geoffrey's clothes. Ironed. 81 00:04:00,922 --> 00:04:02,802 Some of... your stuff got mixed up in there too, 82 00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:06,994 - so I gave them a quick press. - Thank you. 83 00:04:07,642 --> 00:04:08,982 Some of those boxers looked like 84 00:04:09,012 --> 00:04:10,642 they'd been worn for more than a week. 85 00:04:10,682 --> 00:04:13,522 - Well, I don't need you... - Well, I mean, really. They were grey. 86 00:04:13,562 --> 00:04:17,442 And I don't want to embarrass you, but there was brown in there too. 87 00:04:17,970 --> 00:04:20,142 It's no way for a grown man to live. 88 00:04:21,441 --> 00:04:23,602 - Should I buy you some new pants? - I can buy my own pants. 89 00:04:23,642 --> 00:04:26,105 Oh, can you! Who's a big boy? 90 00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:29,762 Right. I'm going to my boot camp. 91 00:04:32,042 --> 00:04:35,144 I put a vegan lasagne in your freezer compartment. 92 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,402 Thank you. 93 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,842 Morning! 94 00:04:48,882 --> 00:04:51,122 I was just smiling because you're the first woman that 95 00:04:51,162 --> 00:04:54,282 I haven't wanted to pile into a taxi the second after I've come. 96 00:04:54,322 --> 00:04:56,428 Well, that's fucking romantic. 97 00:04:58,822 --> 00:05:02,306 - What time is it? - It's... 7:30. 98 00:05:02,331 --> 00:05:03,491 Oh, bollocks! 99 00:05:05,282 --> 00:05:09,682 I've got a press conference at 9:00 for the Clean Water Trust. 100 00:05:09,722 --> 00:05:13,392 Do you want some breakfast? I-I feel compelled to feed you. 101 00:05:13,422 --> 00:05:17,059 - I've got a machine that makes omelets. - No, I've got to run. 102 00:05:17,082 --> 00:05:19,802 I'm seeing you later, right? You're coming to Tina's? 103 00:05:20,052 --> 00:05:22,962 - I don't think so. - Why not? 104 00:05:22,965 --> 00:05:27,112 Well, I like you a lot, and I'm afraid if you see me 105 00:05:27,122 --> 00:05:29,176 with your cabal of do-gooders, you might realize 106 00:05:29,182 --> 00:05:31,720 that I'm actually an asshole and a coward. 107 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,825 They're not do-gooders, they're fuck-ups. 108 00:05:35,362 --> 00:05:38,802 - Like you. Don't be feeble. - Oh. 109 00:05:40,642 --> 00:05:43,362 All right. Should I bring anything? 110 00:05:46,802 --> 00:05:48,002 Bring that. 111 00:05:58,022 --> 00:05:59,552 Frankie's in a cake coma. 112 00:05:59,622 --> 00:06:02,402 It's his birthday, so he shouldn't wake up. 113 00:06:02,442 --> 00:06:05,802 - What time do I put Mee... - Muireann? 114 00:06:05,842 --> 00:06:07,492 Put her down around 7:30. 115 00:06:07,552 --> 00:06:10,422 She's going to cry for about 20 minutes. What Sharon does is 116 00:06:10,422 --> 00:06:13,082 she hides in the room while she cries. I don't do that. 117 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,016 I come downstairs and I put on my headphones 118 00:06:15,032 --> 00:06:17,608 and I listen to the first half of Appetite For Destruction. 119 00:06:17,642 --> 00:06:21,082 So you can do one of those but if you pick her up 120 00:06:21,122 --> 00:06:23,637 and you soothe her and you mess up her sleep training, I'll know 121 00:06:23,642 --> 00:06:26,402 about it and I'll come to your house and wake you up, okay? 122 00:06:26,442 --> 00:06:28,338 - Okay. - Great. 123 00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:30,192 So what time are you back? 124 00:06:30,212 --> 00:06:32,922 Well, I don't know because it's a surprise. 125 00:06:32,962 --> 00:06:35,704 - We'll be back around 11:00. - Oh. 126 00:06:36,322 --> 00:06:39,635 Okay, so, watch TV, help yourself to food. 127 00:06:39,682 --> 00:06:41,422 Maybe don't cook anything. 128 00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:44,002 Last baby-sitter we had would just really go to town, so... 129 00:06:44,042 --> 00:06:45,494 You know, just use your discretion. 130 00:06:45,552 --> 00:06:47,842 If there's four chicken breasts, that's a meal for us 131 00:06:47,882 --> 00:06:52,122 tomorrow probably but, you know, cereal, a rice cake, 132 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,501 some raisins, just help yourself to any of that. 133 00:06:54,542 --> 00:06:56,470 - Okay? - Okay. 134 00:06:56,492 --> 00:06:59,072 And if the mood strikes you to do a little laundry, 135 00:06:59,112 --> 00:07:01,562 - then go for it. - I don't do laundry. 136 00:07:02,502 --> 00:07:05,162 Okay. You know, I said, "If the mood strikes you," 137 00:07:05,202 --> 00:07:08,202 it's, ah, it's not "Downton Abbey." Just whatever you like. 138 00:07:11,762 --> 00:07:13,202 I don't like her. 139 00:07:16,642 --> 00:07:19,722 Last time I was here I had to send my pros-cutto back 140 00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:21,962 because there was a wee ginger hair on it. 141 00:07:22,002 --> 00:07:23,682 Chris nearly hit the roof. 142 00:07:23,722 --> 00:07:25,002 You mean prosciutto? 143 00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:27,792 Oh, right, yeah. 144 00:07:28,722 --> 00:07:30,502 Well, Chris was the cook in our house, 145 00:07:30,502 --> 00:07:32,422 - so I never had... - Shh-shh. Shhhh. 146 00:07:32,882 --> 00:07:34,082 No Chris. 147 00:07:38,362 --> 00:07:40,042 You look very handsome tonight. 148 00:07:40,082 --> 00:07:41,642 I like the way you've done your hair. 149 00:07:41,642 --> 00:07:44,922 - It really frames your features. - Thank you. 150 00:07:44,962 --> 00:07:48,122 Sometimes when a woman your age wears her hair long, 151 00:07:48,162 --> 00:07:50,002 it can really drag the face down. 152 00:08:05,782 --> 00:08:06,932 I wish we'd met earlier. 153 00:08:06,932 --> 00:08:09,422 Oh, sorry, but I really wanted to be on set 154 00:08:09,472 --> 00:08:12,402 because Jeffrey was doing that scene with Maggie Gyllenhaal. 155 00:08:12,442 --> 00:08:15,842 I'd heard that she was, well, less than pleasant. 156 00:08:15,882 --> 00:08:18,082 Happy to confirm that. 157 00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:21,079 - I meant earlier in our lives. - Oh, right, yes. 158 00:08:21,662 --> 00:08:24,234 - That would also have been nice. - Very nice. 159 00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:27,288 Francesca, I know it's a bit early in our relationship 160 00:08:27,302 --> 00:08:30,602 but I'm not getting any younger and neither are you. 161 00:08:30,602 --> 00:08:33,367 A man doesn't meet a woman like you every day. 162 00:08:34,142 --> 00:08:37,546 I think I would be a good husband to you. 163 00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:38,878 So if you would do... 164 00:08:44,752 --> 00:08:47,282 And then my stomach started making all these noises, 165 00:08:47,322 --> 00:08:49,642 probably because I hadn't eaten in, like, a week 166 00:08:49,682 --> 00:08:52,282 and I thought, "Well, now I have to shut this fucker up," 167 00:08:52,322 --> 00:08:54,722 so I held the gun to my stomach 168 00:08:54,762 --> 00:08:57,082 and I pulled the trigger but it just went 169 00:08:57,122 --> 00:08:59,122 "click" because, obviously, I'd already emptied 170 00:08:59,162 --> 00:09:01,002 the clip into the TV earlier. 171 00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:05,662 And I had this moment of clarity and I called Ash. 172 00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:09,512 - And he pulled me out of it. - I'll never forget that call. 173 00:09:09,512 --> 00:09:11,362 "Come and get me, please." 174 00:09:11,402 --> 00:09:13,162 Don't know why I called him, 175 00:09:13,202 --> 00:09:15,642 you were dissolving cocaine in fucking cider 176 00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:18,362 - and injecting it at the time. - I liked to party. 177 00:09:18,402 --> 00:09:21,722 - He lost custody of his kids. - Yeah, but I got them back. 178 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,792 He lived in an upturned boat 179 00:09:23,832 --> 00:09:25,752 in a limestone quarry for two years, 180 00:09:25,752 --> 00:09:27,602 and I mean he fucking lived there. 181 00:09:27,602 --> 00:09:31,704 Now he's an executive director at the IMF. 182 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:35,682 I have never known one man to take his pain 183 00:09:35,722 --> 00:09:39,108 and translate it into such pure light. 184 00:09:43,112 --> 00:09:46,402 What a fucking mess! Huh! 185 00:09:46,442 --> 00:09:48,512 God, I mean, I was never that bad. 186 00:09:48,512 --> 00:09:51,792 You know, I definitely thought I was going to die but, like, in a fun way, 187 00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:56,132 at a party, not in the flaming school bus that I'd stolen. 188 00:09:56,172 --> 00:09:58,112 I had people telling me, "You're scum," 189 00:09:58,112 --> 00:10:01,002 and, "You're going to choke on your own tongue," 190 00:10:01,042 --> 00:10:02,572 etc. but, you know, I always 191 00:10:02,582 --> 00:10:04,522 had money in the bank and, um, I guess 192 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,912 I sort of failed upwards career-wise. 193 00:10:06,912 --> 00:10:10,102 Plus I-I was really good-looking until like two years ago 194 00:10:10,122 --> 00:10:13,350 - when the cirrhosis kicked in. - You're still good-looking. 195 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,523 I know, but my point is-is, 196 00:10:15,563 --> 00:10:17,723 that I-I pulled out of the nosedive 197 00:10:17,763 --> 00:10:20,440 before anything really terrible happened. 198 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,483 So, um, how long have you been sober for? 199 00:10:25,523 --> 00:10:26,799 Five months. 200 00:10:27,843 --> 00:10:28,904 What? 201 00:10:29,641 --> 00:10:32,739 Five months and one year. 202 00:10:33,173 --> 00:10:35,563 Yeah... uh... one, two, three, four, five... 203 00:10:35,603 --> 00:10:39,999 Yeah, a-a-a-about one year and five months. Approx. 204 00:10:43,283 --> 00:10:45,763 - You have cirrhosis, Dave? - Oh, yeah. 205 00:10:45,803 --> 00:10:47,043 Lose any teeth? 206 00:10:47,303 --> 00:10:49,163 Hell yeah, I lost a tooth. 207 00:10:50,963 --> 00:10:52,843 Couple of others got quite loose. 208 00:11:04,203 --> 00:11:05,283 Georgia? 209 00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:16,163 Is 30 minutes okay? 'Cause that makes it an even hundred. 210 00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,283 Is there somewhere I can charge my phone? 211 00:11:29,083 --> 00:11:31,003 This is a bit weird for me. 212 00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:33,843 Not you, you... you're not weird, you're lovely. 213 00:11:33,883 --> 00:11:35,843 Just the situation is weird. 214 00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:37,403 For me. Um... 215 00:11:42,483 --> 00:11:45,723 - Do you speak English? - You're handsome, thank God. 216 00:11:45,763 --> 00:11:47,443 Yeah... yeah, yeah... yep. 217 00:11:57,443 --> 00:11:59,243 Right. Here I go. 218 00:12:14,123 --> 00:12:17,843 - Do you want to put them on the chair? - Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. 219 00:12:23,883 --> 00:12:25,003 Okay. 220 00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:28,243 Right. 221 00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:38,563 How many knuckles deep? 222 00:12:38,603 --> 00:12:40,763 - How many what? - It's a joke. 223 00:12:50,483 --> 00:12:51,763 I love it round here. 224 00:12:54,563 --> 00:12:56,253 Um... w-why are we stopping? 225 00:12:56,253 --> 00:13:00,185 This is what we're doing. I booked us into a cheese workshop. 226 00:13:00,275 --> 00:13:01,813 What do you mean, a cheese workshop? 227 00:13:02,193 --> 00:13:05,121 A cheese workshop. We're going to make cheese. 228 00:13:05,174 --> 00:13:07,255 You can't make cheese in a night. 229 00:13:07,293 --> 00:13:10,123 It takes, like, a year to make a cheese. You've been hoodwinked. 230 00:13:10,163 --> 00:13:12,993 Well, you don't fully make your own cheese, 231 00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:16,173 you learn... a, it's like a cheese-appreciation course. 232 00:13:16,193 --> 00:13:17,763 I already appreciate cheese. 233 00:13:17,803 --> 00:13:21,363 Can you give it a go? I mean, we do the same thing every year. 234 00:13:21,403 --> 00:13:24,643 We go to a restaurant, you get drunk, I eat two desserts, 235 00:13:24,643 --> 00:13:26,403 this is different and fun. 236 00:13:28,763 --> 00:13:30,203 Your favorite thing is cheese. 237 00:13:30,203 --> 00:13:31,572 Have you paid for it yet? 238 00:13:32,443 --> 00:13:34,369 - It's free. - It was... 239 00:13:35,083 --> 00:13:38,923 That was your plan for our anniversary, a free cheese workshop? 240 00:13:38,963 --> 00:13:41,563 What did you do, throw a dart at a shit-ideas board? 241 00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,863 No, a guy at work and his nice wife, 242 00:13:43,863 --> 00:13:45,483 who's not an asshole, did it. 243 00:13:45,523 --> 00:13:48,633 And they said it was fun. What did you plan? 244 00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,708 Nothing, but if I was going to plan anything, 245 00:13:50,723 --> 00:13:52,243 it would have been better than this. 246 00:13:52,283 --> 00:13:53,403 Let's go. 247 00:13:58,923 --> 00:14:01,163 Let's get some pizza while we decide on where we eat. 248 00:14:02,723 --> 00:14:04,883 Thank you for a lovely evening. 249 00:14:04,923 --> 00:14:07,403 - And sorry about... - Oh, it's fine. 250 00:14:07,443 --> 00:14:10,363 I think, Patrick, I want to just keep things simple for now. 251 00:14:10,403 --> 00:14:11,453 You know, just... 252 00:14:11,473 --> 00:14:14,851 I think maybe there could be a future for us, in maybe... 253 00:14:14,903 --> 00:14:16,723 four and a half to five years. 254 00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:18,203 You know, when Jeffrey's... 255 00:14:21,683 --> 00:14:24,243 Do you want to wait four and a half to five years 256 00:14:24,283 --> 00:14:25,443 for something like that? 257 00:14:25,483 --> 00:14:26,843 Well... oh... ah... 258 00:14:26,883 --> 00:14:28,043 Ohh! 259 00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:30,003 - Fran? - Hey, Fran. 260 00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,763 Rob! Patrick, 261 00:14:31,803 --> 00:14:34,803 this is Sharon and Rob. This is Patrick. 262 00:14:34,843 --> 00:14:38,363 - What are you doing here? Oh! - Oh, just anniversary dinner. 263 00:14:38,403 --> 00:14:40,923 Well, you picked a lovely place for it. 264 00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:43,553 Chris and I celebrated our ten-year anniversary here. 265 00:14:43,573 --> 00:14:44,683 Mm-hmm. 266 00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:48,020 - Try the prosciutto. - Oh, do they carve it at the table? 267 00:14:48,023 --> 00:14:50,667 Well, we're just going to-- Let's just go in. I'm pretty hungry. 268 00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:52,883 - Well, have a wonderful evening. - Aww! 269 00:14:52,923 --> 00:14:54,393 - Bye. - Thank you. 270 00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:56,483 Sharon and Rob. 271 00:14:57,603 --> 00:14:59,243 Shall we...? 272 00:15:02,923 --> 00:15:04,323 Nice place. 273 00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:05,741 It's not mine. 274 00:15:06,093 --> 00:15:07,323 Right. 275 00:15:07,363 --> 00:15:09,163 You're a wild man. 276 00:15:09,203 --> 00:15:11,003 I did not expect. 277 00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:12,203 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 278 00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:13,963 We can try something else next time. 279 00:15:14,003 --> 00:15:16,683 - Use a bigger vibrator, take a shower... - No. 280 00:15:16,723 --> 00:15:19,203 I don't think so. 281 00:15:19,243 --> 00:15:22,403 I love this guy. Do you watch this show? 282 00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:26,083 - Yeah... No, no. I don't. - He's funny because he's very fat. 283 00:15:27,443 --> 00:15:28,609 Right. 284 00:15:28,673 --> 00:15:32,163 Right, right, well, I'm just going to get back to, um... 285 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:37,588 There's the extra 20 for the... 286 00:15:38,263 --> 00:15:39,418 balls thing. 287 00:15:40,443 --> 00:15:42,792 [laughs] 288 00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:45,693 You fat bastard! 289 00:15:48,443 --> 00:15:50,743 Look at them. They're so sweet. 290 00:15:50,773 --> 00:15:52,203 Why, because they've the same hairdo? 291 00:15:52,213 --> 00:15:54,163 No, because of how happy they are. 292 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,803 They're not even talking to each other. 293 00:15:56,843 --> 00:15:59,883 Because they don't have to. They're so peaceful. 294 00:15:59,923 --> 00:16:02,403 It's crazy to think they're going to be 69ing later 295 00:16:02,443 --> 00:16:04,098 front of the fireplace. 296 00:16:05,003 --> 00:16:06,963 No-one 69s any more. 297 00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:10,563 Except... teenagers, you know, or in pornos. 298 00:16:10,583 --> 00:16:13,643 - People 69. - Well, if they do, it's just for show. 299 00:16:13,683 --> 00:16:16,403 It's bullshit. You can't give and receive pleasure at the same time. 300 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:19,123 You're just going to do them both badly. You know... 301 00:16:19,163 --> 00:16:21,083 I don't mind giving you a blow job... 302 00:16:21,123 --> 00:16:22,843 - Really? - Yeah. 303 00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:24,483 I mean, I know I don't do it very often, 304 00:16:24,523 --> 00:16:27,123 but if I do it, I'm going to do it properly. 305 00:16:27,163 --> 00:16:29,013 You know, I want to be able to breathe. 306 00:16:29,073 --> 00:16:31,093 And I don't want the only air available to me 307 00:16:31,103 --> 00:16:33,700 to be the air that's circulating round your asshole, 308 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:37,342 which is where my nose would be parked if we were 69ing. 309 00:16:40,343 --> 00:16:42,243 What do you think she's going to do when he dies? 310 00:16:42,283 --> 00:16:44,643 - Why is he going to die first? - Men always die first. 311 00:16:44,643 --> 00:16:46,523 Yeah, well we'll see about that. 312 00:16:46,563 --> 00:16:48,403 I mean, your stress level's pretty high. 313 00:16:48,403 --> 00:16:52,198 It wouldn't surprise me if your heart explodes before you turn 60. 314 00:16:52,253 --> 00:16:55,500 Well, I'm going to try and hold out till I'm 70, 315 00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:57,153 meet the grandkids and then, 316 00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,364 I'm just going to pull the ripcord. 317 00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:02,532 - What the hell does that mean? - I've no interest in being old. 318 00:17:02,553 --> 00:17:05,218 When I'm 70, I just want to be hidden away somewhere, 319 00:17:05,243 --> 00:17:07,643 drinking gin, just smoking little black cigars. 320 00:17:07,683 --> 00:17:09,483 I don't want to see any young people. 321 00:17:09,523 --> 00:17:11,203 Sorry, I forgot to tell you all this. 322 00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,283 Fine, you can rot in the attic 323 00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:16,783 while I live on the floor below with my new, fun, young wife. 324 00:17:16,843 --> 00:17:19,523 - New, fun, young wife? - Yeah, she's Chinese. 325 00:17:19,563 --> 00:17:22,362 - You got a problem with that? - [laughs] 326 00:17:23,723 --> 00:17:25,493 - Have you noticed something about tonight? 327 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:26,603 - What? 328 00:17:26,643 --> 00:17:29,643 We don't normally have fun on our anniversary. 329 00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:31,813 Well, that's because we didn't end up 330 00:17:31,836 --> 00:17:33,233 sitting in a room full of cheese. 331 00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:35,923 No, that's the reason I wanted to do the cheese thing, 332 00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:37,803 so we didn't wind up sitting across the table 333 00:17:37,843 --> 00:17:39,683 from each other crying again. 334 00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:50,131 I just think we should change the date of our anniversary. 335 00:17:50,173 --> 00:17:51,228 - Okay. - It's not that 336 00:17:51,263 --> 00:17:52,283 our wedding wasn't wonderful. 337 00:17:52,293 --> 00:17:54,803 It's just too hard to celebrate when it's also the date 338 00:17:54,843 --> 00:17:57,123 you watched your baby be born and then nearly die. 339 00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,633 And it's not just that. Like, I became a wreck on that day. 340 00:17:59,693 --> 00:18:01,203 You know, that's why I was so shit with Muireann. 341 00:18:01,203 --> 00:18:02,883 I was scared to love her the way I love Frankie. 342 00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:04,963 'Cause I was afraid of what would happen to her. 343 00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:07,073 - I'm still scared. - Nothing's going to happen to her. 344 00:18:07,113 --> 00:18:08,483 Yeah, well you say that, but it doesn't matter, 345 00:18:08,483 --> 00:18:10,243 because I'm a paranoid mess now. 346 00:18:10,283 --> 00:18:13,563 - You got away lightly. - You always do this. 347 00:18:13,603 --> 00:18:16,923 You don't have a monopoly on pain. Look around you. 348 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,283 She's in pain, they're in pain. 349 00:18:19,323 --> 00:18:22,615 Other people's pain doesn't make your pain any less awful. 350 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,483 You didn't even let me hold Frankie 351 00:18:24,523 --> 00:18:26,623 until he was three weeks old. 352 00:18:26,677 --> 00:18:28,843 I went from being a single asshole in Boston 353 00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:31,603 to a married-to-a-stranger asshole in London 354 00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:34,043 with a premature baby in a little see-through 355 00:18:34,083 --> 00:18:37,377 coffin thing hooked up to, what, 80 tubes? 356 00:18:41,103 --> 00:18:42,229 I'm sorry. 357 00:18:43,072 --> 00:18:45,243 I've got a sticky toffee pudding and the profiteroles. 358 00:18:45,283 --> 00:18:47,785 - Who's having what? - They're both for me. 359 00:18:48,483 --> 00:18:51,923 Can I get another Sauvignon... bottle? 360 00:19:08,883 --> 00:19:10,739 I think I'll get some cheese. 361 00:19:10,773 --> 00:19:12,603 You said you'd been sober a year. 362 00:19:12,643 --> 00:19:14,083 Yeah, well, I'm on my way to being. 363 00:19:14,123 --> 00:19:15,843 What you did was called lying. 364 00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:18,163 And liars don't usually stay sober for very long. 365 00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:20,657 - Oh, bullshit. That's not what this is. - Yeah, it is. 366 00:19:20,663 --> 00:19:22,523 No. It's because my tale of redemption isn't 367 00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:25,243 - "inspirational" enough. - Your tale of redemption? 368 00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:28,903 You practically soaked through your panties in there with Ash. 369 00:19:28,903 --> 00:19:30,803 You think because I just destroyed my liver 370 00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:32,563 and didn't live in a fucking septic tank 371 00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:34,243 I can't be in your little bad boys' club? 372 00:19:34,283 --> 00:19:36,503 I could have lived in a septic tank. 373 00:19:36,503 --> 00:19:39,163 Well, you're obviously not ready for this. 374 00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:43,003 - Or for me. - Maybe I'm not. 375 00:19:43,043 --> 00:19:44,803 Maybe I should just go and butt chug 376 00:19:44,843 --> 00:19:47,954 one of Ash's cocaine smoothies or whatever the fuck. 377 00:19:57,043 --> 00:19:58,615 So, that's it, then, huh? 378 00:19:59,363 --> 00:20:00,454 Is this it? 379 00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,923 Let's make our new anniversary the date we first met. 380 00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:14,923 Okay. Let's do that. 381 00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:17,214 Which was...? 382 00:20:18,523 --> 00:20:20,623 You look so beautiful in the moonlight. 383 00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,650 It's the fucking 5th of March, asshole. 384 00:20:23,163 --> 00:20:27,163 [phone buzzing] 385 00:20:27,203 --> 00:20:28,405 [sighs] 386 00:20:29,843 --> 00:20:30,981 Hello. 387 00:20:31,923 --> 00:20:34,706 - I miss you. - What do you miss about me? 388 00:20:34,744 --> 00:20:37,063 - Uh, I don't know. - Oh! Bye, Chris. 389 00:20:37,087 --> 00:20:40,833 - The way you sing in the kitchen. - You hate my singing. 390 00:20:40,843 --> 00:20:43,186 Yeah, but it's noise, isn't it? Cuts through the silence. 391 00:20:43,245 --> 00:20:44,645 That's not a reason. 392 00:20:45,523 --> 00:20:47,981 Okay, I miss the way you make a sandwich. 393 00:20:48,675 --> 00:20:50,363 I miss hearing the creaky floorboards 394 00:20:50,403 --> 00:20:52,403 when you're walking around upstairs. 395 00:20:52,443 --> 00:20:53,983 I miss you saying "Ta-da!" 396 00:20:53,983 --> 00:20:56,083 when you take popcorn out of the microwave. 397 00:20:56,123 --> 00:20:59,403 - Look, I'm sorry you're lonely, Chris. - I'm not. 398 00:20:59,443 --> 00:21:01,603 Do you know what my problem is? 399 00:21:01,643 --> 00:21:03,611 You didn't miss me when I was there. 400 00:21:03,653 --> 00:21:07,243 You didn't miss me enough to reach a foot and a half across the bed 401 00:21:07,279 --> 00:21:10,483 - and touch my face. - Fran... 402 00:21:10,523 --> 00:21:12,283 Well, somebody's touching my face now. 403 00:21:12,323 --> 00:21:17,443 Somebody actually wants to touch my face, and my breasts, and... 404 00:21:17,483 --> 00:21:19,203 - and my... - I get it! 405 00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:25,003 - More Riesling? - Lovely. 406 00:21:27,403 --> 00:21:28,763 It was Chris. 407 00:21:29,923 --> 00:21:34,077 ♪♪ [rock] 408 00:21:34,163 --> 00:21:36,563 ♪ I was blind 409 00:21:36,603 --> 00:21:38,723 ♪ Now I can see 410 00:21:38,763 --> 00:21:41,163 ♪♪ [continues] 411 00:21:41,203 --> 00:21:44,952 Siri, I'd like you to call my good friend Rob Norris. 412 00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:46,963 Just to confirm, you'd like to call 413 00:21:46,993 --> 00:21:48,363 - Rob Norris? - Yes. 414 00:21:48,403 --> 00:21:51,323 I need help from Rob Norris. 415 00:21:51,363 --> 00:21:52,963 Calling Rob Norris. 416 00:21:56,613 --> 00:22:00,323 [panting] 417 00:22:00,330 --> 00:22:02,883 - Is this what you wanted? - Huh? 418 00:22:02,923 --> 00:22:05,203 Uh-huh. [chuckles] 419 00:22:05,243 --> 00:22:07,523 [baby cries] 420 00:22:07,579 --> 00:22:09,123 Oh, God. 421 00:22:09,163 --> 00:22:10,523 I'd better get her, 'cause... 422 00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:12,663 Well, what about sleep training? 423 00:22:12,683 --> 00:22:16,083 Yeah, but she's just... she sounds upset. 424 00:22:16,123 --> 00:22:18,443 Well, I mean, we're either sleep training or we're not. 425 00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:21,377 I can't have sex with a baby crying. 426 00:22:25,603 --> 00:22:27,652 Are you covering my ears? 427 00:22:27,673 --> 00:22:30,843 I'm just-- Hold on minute. I'm just finishing. 428 00:22:31,252 --> 00:22:32,925 [grunting] 429 00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:35,563 [groaning] 430 00:22:35,603 --> 00:22:38,493 [whimpering] 431 00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,963 What you just did is very bad, okay? 432 00:22:47,003 --> 00:22:51,123 Like, that's how a serial killer might warm up before a spree. 433 00:22:51,163 --> 00:22:54,563 But just listen. Is she crying any more? 434 00:22:54,603 --> 00:22:56,483 No, she isn't. 435 00:22:56,523 --> 00:22:59,763 That's because her daddy helped her with her sleep training. 436 00:23:01,123 --> 00:23:02,443 [moans] 437 00:23:04,203 --> 00:23:05,853 [sighs] 438 00:23:05,853 --> 00:23:07,123 [baby cries] 439 00:23:07,163 --> 00:23:09,283 Oh, God. 440 00:23:09,323 --> 00:23:11,323 [crying continues] 441 00:23:18,363 --> 00:23:20,262 ♪♪