1 00:00:05,763 --> 00:00:07,563 Jesus, Dave. 2 00:00:07,643 --> 00:00:08,963 [retch] 3 00:00:11,683 --> 00:00:13,563 Men shouldn't lie to women. 4 00:00:13,643 --> 00:00:15,123 Don't feel you need to talk to me. 5 00:00:15,203 --> 00:00:17,843 Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 6 00:00:17,923 --> 00:00:20,963 Rob: Hey, Harita, I want to talk about my future, 7 00:00:21,043 --> 00:00:23,203 see if you had any use for this old bag of bones 8 00:00:23,283 --> 00:00:24,643 around the old shop. 9 00:00:24,723 --> 00:00:25,723 I miss you guys. 10 00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:36,643 Okay. 11 00:00:36,723 --> 00:00:38,643 [Rob, Sharon grunting] 12 00:00:38,723 --> 00:00:40,283 Where do you want me to come? 13 00:00:40,363 --> 00:00:41,803 - Okay. - No, where? 14 00:00:41,883 --> 00:00:43,683 - Huh? - Aah! 15 00:00:45,723 --> 00:00:47,443 Ugh. 16 00:00:47,523 --> 00:00:48,443 Ahh. 17 00:00:48,523 --> 00:00:50,043 Ohh. 18 00:00:50,123 --> 00:00:52,803 Are you sure it's okay that we did that? 19 00:00:52,883 --> 00:00:54,523 Yeah, it's fine because-- 20 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:57,883 Oh, shit. 21 00:00:57,963 --> 00:01:00,003 Oh, fuck it. It should be okay. 22 00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:01,363 Did you pre-cum in me? 23 00:01:01,443 --> 00:01:03,603 Yeah, I was pre-cumming before I put it in. 24 00:01:03,683 --> 00:01:05,523 Well, that's not very nice. 25 00:01:08,163 --> 00:01:10,643 We need to be using birth control. 26 00:01:10,723 --> 00:01:12,003 We can't have any more kids. 27 00:01:12,083 --> 00:01:14,523 I gotta go and see the doctor tomorrow anyway 28 00:01:14,603 --> 00:01:17,043 to work out why my tits are so sore. 29 00:01:17,123 --> 00:01:20,443 I'll look into a coil or something. 30 00:01:20,523 --> 00:01:22,323 You've been saying that for over a year. 31 00:01:22,403 --> 00:01:25,123 Yeah, well, it's just hard because if I get the coil, 32 00:01:25,203 --> 00:01:26,363 it will probably stop the sore tits 33 00:01:26,443 --> 00:01:28,083 because it will be stopping my periods, 34 00:01:28,163 --> 00:01:29,483 but the only thing I like about my periods 35 00:01:29,563 --> 00:01:31,003 - is that I get big tits. - That hurt. 36 00:01:31,083 --> 00:01:32,283 Yeah, but that are big. 37 00:01:32,363 --> 00:01:33,683 Yeah, I guess big tits 38 00:01:33,763 --> 00:01:35,363 are worth a little pain. 39 00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:36,723 I wonder how much pain I'd put up with 40 00:01:36,803 --> 00:01:37,843 to be less fat. 41 00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,603 - Probably not much. - Yeah. 42 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,603 Thank you so much. 43 00:01:44,683 --> 00:01:46,163 [laughing] 44 00:01:48,403 --> 00:01:50,203 What time do your folks get in tomorrow? 45 00:01:50,283 --> 00:01:52,283 Uh, they get in at 6. 46 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,883 Fergal gets in at 3. 47 00:01:53,963 --> 00:01:55,323 What's he doing back here? 48 00:01:55,403 --> 00:01:57,323 He's got a little business here. 49 00:01:57,403 --> 00:02:00,123 How the fuck has Fergal managed to start another business? 50 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,043 Any idiot can start a business. 51 00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:03,563 You could start a business. 52 00:02:03,643 --> 00:02:04,923 Business that sells what? 53 00:02:05,003 --> 00:02:06,083 Business. 54 00:02:06,163 --> 00:02:07,323 Do you not have any ideas? 55 00:02:07,403 --> 00:02:10,923 Well, I do have an idea for an app. 56 00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:12,203 Get out. 57 00:02:12,283 --> 00:02:14,483 No, seriously. Listen. 58 00:02:14,563 --> 00:02:16,283 You know how a lot of women in porn 59 00:02:16,363 --> 00:02:17,563 don't have pubic hair? 60 00:02:17,643 --> 00:02:18,723 Mm-hmm. 61 00:02:18,803 --> 00:02:20,323 And then you know how the Terminator 62 00:02:20,403 --> 00:02:24,083 sees things with, like, grids and heat signatures? 63 00:02:24,163 --> 00:02:25,283 What if there was an app 64 00:02:25,363 --> 00:02:27,003 that did the same kind of thing 65 00:02:27,083 --> 00:02:28,443 but only for bald pussies, 66 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,283 and when it found a bald pussy, 67 00:02:30,363 --> 00:02:32,483 it put a nice healthy bush on it? 68 00:02:32,563 --> 00:02:34,923 You pick the style. Could be '70s bush 69 00:02:35,003 --> 00:02:37,283 or 1870s if you really want to. 70 00:02:37,363 --> 00:02:39,123 But, I mean, that's, you know, detail. 71 00:02:39,203 --> 00:02:40,923 That's up to the user. 72 00:02:41,003 --> 00:02:43,643 I'm being deadly serious now. 73 00:02:43,723 --> 00:02:45,363 That is a fucking brilliant idea. 74 00:02:45,443 --> 00:02:46,923 Devil's advocate, though. 75 00:02:47,003 --> 00:02:48,403 Have you thought about the fact 76 00:02:48,483 --> 00:02:50,003 that one day your daughter might find out 77 00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:52,043 what you do for a living? Doesn't that worry you? 78 00:02:52,123 --> 00:02:54,603 Am I worried that my daughter will find out 79 00:02:54,683 --> 00:02:56,843 that I'm a feminist innovator? 80 00:02:56,923 --> 00:02:58,163 No. 81 00:03:02,603 --> 00:03:04,123 [phone rings] 82 00:03:06,923 --> 00:03:08,283 Who's that? 83 00:03:08,363 --> 00:03:10,963 - Uh, Fran. - You're not going to answer it? 84 00:03:11,043 --> 00:03:12,843 No, I'll just let it go to voicemail, and then I'll text her. 85 00:03:12,923 --> 00:03:14,403 Hey, should I cook for your folks? 86 00:03:14,483 --> 00:03:15,923 Are they going to be eating? 87 00:03:16,003 --> 00:03:18,923 Uh, no. Let's not set that precedent. 88 00:03:19,003 --> 00:03:21,603 You want to telegraph they're not totally welcome here? 89 00:03:24,363 --> 00:03:26,563 Fran wants us to have dinner tomorrow night 90 00:03:26,643 --> 00:03:28,803 with her and Chris. That's weird. 91 00:03:28,883 --> 00:03:30,123 She wants to ask us something. 92 00:03:30,203 --> 00:03:31,843 I wonder what that's about. 93 00:03:31,923 --> 00:03:34,043 If you'd answered your phone, you might know that. 94 00:03:34,123 --> 00:03:36,083 Maybe they want a threesome. 95 00:03:36,163 --> 00:03:38,923 Uh, so wait, so three of us fuck, 96 00:03:39,003 --> 00:03:40,163 and then one of us makes sandwiches? 97 00:03:40,243 --> 00:03:41,443 You know I meant a foursome. 98 00:03:41,523 --> 00:03:42,723 I think that ship has sailed. 99 00:03:42,803 --> 00:03:44,123 What about your parents? 100 00:03:44,203 --> 00:03:45,643 No, I don't think they want a foursome, either. 101 00:03:45,723 --> 00:03:48,163 Ha! No they're just here for the night, 102 00:03:48,243 --> 00:03:49,483 and then they start their funeral tour. 103 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,803 Two funerals in one visit. Fair play. 104 00:03:52,963 --> 00:03:54,163 Bye. 105 00:03:54,243 --> 00:03:55,323 Bye. 106 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,763 Okay, I'm going to go to school. 107 00:03:56,843 --> 00:03:58,403 Drop some science on the leaders of tomorrow. 108 00:03:58,483 --> 00:03:59,523 What you doing? 109 00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:00,883 I'm just going to make the most 110 00:04:00,963 --> 00:04:02,483 of my last few days of freedom. 111 00:04:02,563 --> 00:04:05,163 Might go to a UKIP meeting or get a tattoo. 112 00:04:05,243 --> 00:04:07,883 Ugh. Don't get a tattoo. 113 00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:14,723 You want to go on the, um, sitting thing? 114 00:04:14,803 --> 00:04:17,323 The big soft sitting thing with the squares. 115 00:04:17,403 --> 00:04:18,323 - Uh-- - The couch? 116 00:04:18,403 --> 00:04:19,683 Couch. 117 00:04:19,763 --> 00:04:20,803 Couch? 118 00:04:20,883 --> 00:04:22,283 It's called a couch. 119 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:23,523 Ha. That's a silly word. 120 00:04:23,603 --> 00:04:25,043 Ha ha. 121 00:04:25,123 --> 00:04:28,003 So you're back in the Braeband fold. 122 00:04:28,083 --> 00:04:30,243 - That sucks. - Yeah, but look, you know, 123 00:04:30,323 --> 00:04:31,683 I was watching the news the other night, 124 00:04:31,763 --> 00:04:34,043 and there's this doctor in Aleppo, 125 00:04:34,123 --> 00:04:36,323 and he puts people back together 126 00:04:36,403 --> 00:04:37,763 after they get blown up. 127 00:04:37,843 --> 00:04:39,283 And he just stays there and sticks it out. 128 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:41,083 And I know that's not my situation, 129 00:04:41,163 --> 00:04:43,763 but my family is my Syria, 130 00:04:43,843 --> 00:04:45,963 and I have to work at a terrible job 131 00:04:46,043 --> 00:04:48,003 so that they can eat and live in a house, 132 00:04:48,083 --> 00:04:50,483 and that's just how it is. 133 00:04:50,563 --> 00:04:53,483 Isn't it more that you just couldn't get another job? 134 00:04:55,803 --> 00:04:57,563 Oh, speaking of Syria. 135 00:05:00,643 --> 00:05:02,163 Catherine wants a baby. 136 00:05:02,243 --> 00:05:03,443 Really? 137 00:05:03,523 --> 00:05:04,923 Well, that's great, buddy. 138 00:05:05,003 --> 00:05:06,163 Yeah, great for you, maybe. 139 00:05:06,243 --> 00:05:07,403 How's that great for me? 140 00:05:07,483 --> 00:05:08,523 I can't do it. 141 00:05:08,603 --> 00:05:10,043 Look at me. I'm an idiot. 142 00:05:10,123 --> 00:05:13,523 I haven't contributed one thing to society. 143 00:05:13,603 --> 00:05:15,243 What could I contribute as a father? 144 00:05:15,323 --> 00:05:19,083 What? You're funny. You're enterprising. 145 00:05:19,163 --> 00:05:21,083 You have beautiful blue eyes. 146 00:05:21,163 --> 00:05:23,043 Rob, 147 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,763 if you're asking if you can jerk me off, 148 00:05:24,843 --> 00:05:26,323 the answer is yes. 149 00:05:28,723 --> 00:05:30,043 It's not unbearable pain. 150 00:05:30,123 --> 00:05:33,323 It's-- They just feel sort of hot. 151 00:05:33,403 --> 00:05:36,003 You know, and lumpier than usual, 152 00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:39,603 and yeah, you know, if I touch them or run, 153 00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:41,323 they just feel tender. 154 00:05:43,763 --> 00:05:44,683 Nipples? 155 00:05:44,763 --> 00:05:45,763 Pardon? 156 00:05:45,843 --> 00:05:47,763 Do your nipples feel tender? 157 00:05:47,843 --> 00:05:49,523 Mm-hmm. Mmm. 158 00:05:54,603 --> 00:05:55,683 Hmm. 159 00:06:00,603 --> 00:06:02,323 [keyboarding] 160 00:06:07,123 --> 00:06:08,323 You can put your top back on now. 161 00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:11,363 Oh, okay. 162 00:06:11,443 --> 00:06:13,683 So I don't feel anything suspicious. 163 00:06:13,763 --> 00:06:16,803 There are some fatty tissue deposits here and there. 164 00:06:16,883 --> 00:06:20,123 And one of your nipples is a little cock-eyed, 165 00:06:20,203 --> 00:06:22,963 but, uh, that's just cosmetic. 166 00:06:23,043 --> 00:06:25,203 Oh. Okay. 167 00:06:25,283 --> 00:06:26,483 Sorry. 168 00:06:28,163 --> 00:06:29,763 Geez, are my tits that filthy? 169 00:06:31,043 --> 00:06:33,683 Now, if you want, we can pop in a coil. 170 00:06:33,763 --> 00:06:34,963 That will stop your periods 171 00:06:35,043 --> 00:06:36,443 and almost certainly stop the breast pain. 172 00:06:36,523 --> 00:06:38,923 Uh, what form of contraception are you using now? 173 00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:40,043 Uh, pull it out. 174 00:06:40,123 --> 00:06:41,563 Um, the, you know, 175 00:06:41,643 --> 00:06:43,803 the pull-it-out-- usually-- method, 176 00:06:43,883 --> 00:06:45,323 which is obviously, you know, silly. 177 00:06:45,403 --> 00:06:46,803 Reckless. 178 00:06:46,883 --> 00:06:48,323 Yeah. Right. 179 00:06:48,403 --> 00:06:50,003 I thought about getting the coil, 180 00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:51,763 but, you know, I'm 44 now, 181 00:06:51,843 --> 00:06:53,363 and my husband's not in great shape, 182 00:06:53,443 --> 00:06:55,323 so I just thought, What are the chances, really? 183 00:06:55,403 --> 00:06:57,803 Would you like me to assess your ovarian reserve? 184 00:06:57,883 --> 00:06:58,963 Eggs? 185 00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:00,003 Yeah. 186 00:07:00,083 --> 00:07:02,923 Uh, yeah, sure. 187 00:07:03,003 --> 00:07:04,243 How many do I have? 188 00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:05,803 Well, I'll have to take a look-see. 189 00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:07,163 Okay, sure. 190 00:07:08,323 --> 00:07:09,883 Do I need to take my tights off? 191 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:12,443 I'd recommend it. 192 00:07:14,923 --> 00:07:16,643 - Hey. - Hey! 193 00:07:16,723 --> 00:07:18,363 You ready? 194 00:07:18,443 --> 00:07:19,803 I thought we could go get algae wraps 195 00:07:19,883 --> 00:07:21,323 before the Action for Children dinner. 196 00:07:21,403 --> 00:07:22,763 Sure. Oh, shit. 197 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,363 I left my, um-- um... 198 00:07:25,443 --> 00:07:27,483 Let me go grab my, uh-- 199 00:07:27,563 --> 00:07:29,403 um... 200 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:30,803 How have you been, Rob? 201 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,563 Good. Great. 202 00:07:32,643 --> 00:07:33,843 How are you? How's-- 203 00:07:33,923 --> 00:07:35,203 You were a real mess the night Dave OD'd. 204 00:07:35,283 --> 00:07:37,243 It's none of my business, really, 205 00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:38,723 but are you getting the help that you need? 206 00:07:38,803 --> 00:07:42,163 Sure. I mean no because I'm fine. 207 00:07:42,243 --> 00:07:44,163 You know, it was a one-time thing. 208 00:07:44,243 --> 00:07:46,003 You know, if you ever need to talk, 209 00:07:46,083 --> 00:07:47,683 you can just come over. 210 00:07:47,763 --> 00:07:49,283 Bring Sharon. 211 00:07:50,723 --> 00:07:51,843 See you later, buddy. 212 00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:55,323 Couch. I'm going to look that up 213 00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:57,283 because I think you're pulling my leg. 214 00:08:04,323 --> 00:08:06,163 Fergal: That's our neighbors Sebastian and Maria. 215 00:08:06,243 --> 00:08:07,763 They don't speak English, but they have a Jacuzzi. 216 00:08:07,843 --> 00:08:10,083 - Ooh! - There's Mallandra in the Jacuzzi. 217 00:08:10,163 --> 00:08:12,203 - Ah. - That's the kitchen. 218 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,403 Oh! 219 00:08:13,483 --> 00:08:14,603 That's not our cat. 220 00:08:14,683 --> 00:08:16,323 That's just some Spanish cat. 221 00:08:16,403 --> 00:08:18,963 Oh, that's our fire grill, or parrilla, 222 00:08:19,043 --> 00:08:20,883 where we do our asados. 223 00:08:20,963 --> 00:08:22,283 That's Spanish for special barbecue. 224 00:08:22,363 --> 00:08:24,363 Wow, really living the life of Riley. 225 00:08:24,443 --> 00:08:25,683 How's business? 226 00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:27,243 Well, my Spanish Uber idea 227 00:08:27,323 --> 00:08:28,923 hasn't got off the ground yet for two reasons. 228 00:08:29,003 --> 00:08:30,723 The Spanish drivers are unbelievably lazy. 229 00:08:30,803 --> 00:08:32,003 And then, when they actually do show up on time, 230 00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,363 people get angry with them. 231 00:08:33,443 --> 00:08:34,883 If you're on time for something in Spain, 232 00:08:34,963 --> 00:08:36,603 they look at you like you've got two heads. 233 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,283 Point is it's a lazy culture with no respect for time. 234 00:08:38,363 --> 00:08:39,723 And you'd be better off going into some kind 235 00:08:39,803 --> 00:08:41,443 of ham-based business. 236 00:08:41,523 --> 00:08:43,443 They always have time for ham. 237 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,323 But I'm going to be marketing leather man bags over here 238 00:08:45,403 --> 00:08:46,923 that you get in Malaga for fuck all. 239 00:08:47,003 --> 00:08:48,563 They're cheap as chips, and they're great quality. 240 00:08:48,643 --> 00:08:50,163 Dad already bought one. 241 00:08:50,243 --> 00:08:51,883 Dad, show us your man bag. 242 00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:53,203 - What? - Your new bag. 243 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:54,243 Your leather satchel. 244 00:08:54,323 --> 00:08:55,323 Oh, here. 245 00:08:55,403 --> 00:08:56,883 Yeah. Here we go. 246 00:08:56,963 --> 00:08:57,923 Ahem. 247 00:08:59,003 --> 00:08:59,923 See? 248 00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:01,603 Wow. 249 00:09:01,683 --> 00:09:02,603 You want to buy one? 250 00:09:02,683 --> 00:09:04,083 That's your business? 251 00:09:04,163 --> 00:09:05,443 Selling bags to me and Des? 252 00:09:05,523 --> 00:09:06,443 [chuckle] 253 00:09:06,523 --> 00:09:07,963 Very funny. 254 00:09:08,043 --> 00:09:09,403 I hear you're heading back into Braeband. 255 00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:10,883 Christ, don't blow your brains out. 256 00:09:10,963 --> 00:09:12,123 I thought you hated that place. 257 00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:14,123 You still owe me £8,000. 258 00:09:14,203 --> 00:09:15,563 I'm going to go get the tuna off the grill. 259 00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:17,163 You all right, Sha? 260 00:09:17,243 --> 00:09:18,563 You look a bit distracted. 261 00:09:18,643 --> 00:09:20,803 Huh? No, fine. 262 00:09:20,883 --> 00:09:23,963 You guys should head over to Spain for a break. 263 00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:25,683 Get a bit of sun. 264 00:09:25,763 --> 00:09:27,443 We have to settle things back home first. 265 00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:29,363 We've put the house on the market. 266 00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,483 Your father was having a bit of trouble with the stairs. 267 00:09:31,563 --> 00:09:33,203 We saw a bungalow in town. 268 00:09:33,283 --> 00:09:34,603 What? 269 00:09:34,683 --> 00:09:36,883 Next door to Margaret Flynn's eldest daughter. 270 00:09:36,963 --> 00:09:39,683 Do you remember her? Siobhan. 271 00:09:39,763 --> 00:09:41,363 She's divorced now. 272 00:09:41,443 --> 00:09:43,403 She's living with a black fella from Germany. 273 00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,003 Jesus. Why are you only telling me this now? 274 00:09:46,083 --> 00:09:48,043 Well, Siobhan had only just told me. 275 00:09:48,123 --> 00:09:50,123 No. About moving. 276 00:09:50,203 --> 00:09:51,963 You're terrible communicators. 277 00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:54,043 If you're having trouble, I'd like to help. 278 00:09:54,123 --> 00:09:55,363 But you have to tell me. 279 00:09:55,443 --> 00:09:57,403 We're not moving back here. 280 00:09:57,483 --> 00:09:59,683 I don't want to die in Walthamstow. 281 00:09:59,763 --> 00:10:00,883 You're not going to die, 282 00:10:00,963 --> 00:10:02,123 and this isn't Walthamstow. 283 00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:04,003 Would you prefer to die in Spain, Dad? 284 00:10:04,083 --> 00:10:06,163 Huh. Might be nice. 285 00:10:06,243 --> 00:10:08,243 Is there a phone here? 286 00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:11,283 Yeah. Yeah. You can use mine. Who do you need to call? 287 00:10:11,363 --> 00:10:14,843 Let Carol know I won't be home for dinner. 288 00:10:14,923 --> 00:10:17,683 She's a cranky old bitch when I'm late. 289 00:10:24,203 --> 00:10:27,123 Mum said from about 6:30 he's pretty useless. 290 00:10:27,203 --> 00:10:28,483 He's like a toddler now. 291 00:10:28,563 --> 00:10:30,083 It's bonkers. 292 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,083 It's tough being away with all this going on. 293 00:10:32,163 --> 00:10:34,563 I mean, what if something happens to Dad? 294 00:10:34,643 --> 00:10:36,763 Don't be stupid. Nothing's going to happen to him. 295 00:10:36,843 --> 00:10:38,483 And if it does, it'll be a long, grim march. 296 00:10:38,563 --> 00:10:39,683 A denouement. 297 00:10:39,763 --> 00:10:41,323 Ugh. Knob. 298 00:10:41,403 --> 00:10:43,163 You're in a shit mood tonight. 299 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,083 I know. 300 00:10:45,163 --> 00:10:48,763 I just found out I'm, like, 99% barren. 301 00:10:48,843 --> 00:10:49,883 What? 302 00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:51,883 I started out with 4 million eggs, 303 00:10:51,963 --> 00:10:55,243 clutches of eggs, and now there's, like, a handful. 304 00:10:55,323 --> 00:10:56,963 I'm just an old crone. 305 00:10:57,043 --> 00:10:58,283 I should start figuring out 306 00:10:58,363 --> 00:11:00,763 if I want to be buried or cremated. 307 00:11:00,843 --> 00:11:03,603 Well, I think that you should be buried 308 00:11:03,683 --> 00:11:06,123 because I'd like to have somewhere to go and visit you. 309 00:11:06,203 --> 00:11:09,043 Bring Frankie and Muireann, sit down, play my luge. 310 00:11:09,123 --> 00:11:11,203 Who cares? No one knows you're old. 311 00:11:11,283 --> 00:11:13,563 No one can see your egg pockets or whatever. 312 00:11:13,643 --> 00:11:15,163 We're lucky, genes-wise. 313 00:11:15,243 --> 00:11:16,763 No one would believe Rob and I are the same age. 314 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,043 He looks like shit. 315 00:11:18,123 --> 00:11:19,963 He doesn't look like shit. 316 00:11:20,043 --> 00:11:22,003 He's just a bit heavier at the moment 317 00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:23,763 because he's stressed out 318 00:11:23,843 --> 00:11:25,603 and he's eaten a lot of coffee toffee ice cream, okay? 319 00:11:25,683 --> 00:11:27,043 Give him a break. 320 00:11:33,763 --> 00:11:35,203 Come here. 321 00:11:35,283 --> 00:11:36,443 Ah, don't fuss. 322 00:11:36,523 --> 00:11:37,963 Just hugging you. 323 00:11:42,643 --> 00:11:44,203 I'll call you when we get to Peg's. 324 00:11:44,283 --> 00:11:46,763 Call me any time. I worry about you and him. 325 00:11:46,843 --> 00:11:47,763 Ugh. 326 00:11:56,163 --> 00:11:57,603 Sharon: Uhh. 327 00:11:57,683 --> 00:11:59,083 Are you okay? 328 00:11:59,163 --> 00:12:00,843 Yeah, I'm fi-- Oh, God. 329 00:12:00,923 --> 00:12:02,723 I'm just getting so old. 330 00:12:02,803 --> 00:12:04,203 Everyone's getting old. 331 00:12:04,283 --> 00:12:05,643 Frankie wipes his own arse now. 332 00:12:05,723 --> 00:12:07,043 My eggs are dead. 333 00:12:07,123 --> 00:12:08,163 Well, honey, he doesn't-- 334 00:12:08,243 --> 00:12:09,283 Okay, yeah, he wipes it, 335 00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:10,883 but he doesn't wipe it clean. 336 00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:12,243 He just wipes it around the place. 337 00:12:12,323 --> 00:12:14,003 I think I'm having a hot flush. 338 00:12:14,083 --> 00:12:16,203 You're not having a hot flush. 339 00:12:16,283 --> 00:12:18,483 It's probably just a panic attack. 340 00:12:20,643 --> 00:12:23,003 You lads okay with me sticking around for a few days? 341 00:12:27,323 --> 00:12:29,083 This is really good. 342 00:12:31,123 --> 00:12:32,323 What is it? 343 00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,883 Meat. I mean beef. 344 00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:35,283 - Mm. - I thought so. 345 00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,563 I had to hone my culinary skills 346 00:12:36,643 --> 00:12:38,163 when Chris left. 347 00:12:38,243 --> 00:12:40,163 It's just me and Jamie Oliver now. 348 00:12:40,243 --> 00:12:43,163 I just popped it in the slow cooker, and voilà. 349 00:12:43,243 --> 00:12:45,243 Voilà what? 350 00:12:45,323 --> 00:12:46,803 Falls off the bone. 351 00:12:48,243 --> 00:12:49,883 Hello, love. Can I get you anything? 352 00:12:49,963 --> 00:12:51,083 No, thanks. 353 00:12:51,163 --> 00:12:53,043 Can you say hello to Sharon and Rob? 354 00:12:53,123 --> 00:12:54,723 - Hello. - Hi, Jeffrey. 355 00:12:54,803 --> 00:12:55,843 You've gotten tall. 356 00:12:55,923 --> 00:12:57,123 Before I forget. 357 00:13:00,563 --> 00:13:02,443 - For you. - Oh, wow. 358 00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:04,163 When did this come out? I didn't see this. 359 00:13:04,243 --> 00:13:06,603 Well, it came out on DVD same time as streaming. 360 00:13:06,683 --> 00:13:10,003 Didn't get a theatrical release because it's arthouse. 361 00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:12,283 Would you like Jeffrey to autograph it for you? 362 00:13:12,363 --> 00:13:14,243 - Fran - For God's sake. 363 00:13:14,323 --> 00:13:16,603 I'm only saying what they're thinking. 364 00:13:16,683 --> 00:13:18,643 You working on anything at the moment, Jeffrey? 365 00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,283 Not really. 366 00:13:20,363 --> 00:13:22,243 He's just wrapped in Woody Allen's new film. 367 00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:23,523 Robert Duvall and Emma Watson 368 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,283 play star-crossed lovers in Vienna. 369 00:13:25,363 --> 00:13:27,163 I was worried. I won't lie. 370 00:13:27,243 --> 00:13:30,643 But they have on-set tutors to, you know, keep an eye. 371 00:13:30,723 --> 00:13:33,003 Chaperones, you know. 372 00:13:33,083 --> 00:13:34,763 Right, what have you got coming up next? 373 00:13:34,843 --> 00:13:37,043 Nothing interesting. Mostly just American shit. 374 00:13:37,123 --> 00:13:39,603 - Right. - Maybe if I had a pair of tits, 375 00:13:39,683 --> 00:13:41,083 I'd have a chance of getting on "Game of Thrones." 376 00:13:42,403 --> 00:13:44,243 No Star Wars,either. 377 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:45,803 They're only interested in women now, 378 00:13:45,883 --> 00:13:47,763 which I think is great, but, you know, come on. 379 00:13:47,843 --> 00:13:49,923 Give it a rest. 380 00:13:52,883 --> 00:13:55,323 I just think he's not being honest with himself 381 00:13:55,403 --> 00:13:56,963 or with her. 382 00:13:57,043 --> 00:13:59,603 When I asked him why he smelled of piss that night, 383 00:13:59,683 --> 00:14:03,563 he said you'd pissed on him, which is bullshit, right? 384 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,243 If you piss yourself 385 00:14:05,323 --> 00:14:06,563 the first night back drinking, 386 00:14:06,643 --> 00:14:07,883 then you've got a problem. 387 00:14:07,963 --> 00:14:10,643 The likelihood of that being a one-time thing-- 388 00:14:10,723 --> 00:14:12,043 I don't think this is working. 389 00:14:16,003 --> 00:14:19,123 Well, I have good news. 390 00:14:20,403 --> 00:14:21,723 It is. 391 00:14:21,803 --> 00:14:24,083 I was thinking about what you said. 392 00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,603 About having a baby? 393 00:14:25,683 --> 00:14:26,723 Yeah. 394 00:14:26,803 --> 00:14:28,443 I'm not going to do that. 395 00:14:28,523 --> 00:14:30,003 You don't want kids? 396 00:14:30,083 --> 00:14:31,363 No, no, I do. 397 00:14:31,443 --> 00:14:34,003 I mean, biologically and psychologically, 398 00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:35,883 I want to be a dad. 399 00:14:35,963 --> 00:14:39,283 Frankie made Rob a paper boat the other day. 400 00:14:39,363 --> 00:14:41,043 I mean, it was shitty. It sank. 401 00:14:41,123 --> 00:14:45,243 But I'd like a little person to make me a boat. 402 00:14:45,323 --> 00:14:47,083 Of course I would. 403 00:14:47,163 --> 00:14:48,203 But I know I shouldn't. 404 00:14:48,283 --> 00:14:51,043 My ingredients are bad. 405 00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:52,443 How are they bad? 406 00:14:52,523 --> 00:14:53,963 You speak fluent Russian. 407 00:14:54,043 --> 00:14:55,683 I am not a good person. 408 00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:57,803 And I've met a lot of people along the way 409 00:14:57,883 --> 00:14:59,003 who agree with me. 410 00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:02,883 So I don't get the little boat. 411 00:15:02,963 --> 00:15:04,963 And so what? 412 00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:07,323 You don't get everything you want. Ha. 413 00:15:08,843 --> 00:15:09,963 I'm pregnant. 414 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:13,123 That is wonderful news. 415 00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:17,723 So...cut to the chase. 416 00:15:17,803 --> 00:15:19,643 We invited you here this evening 417 00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:22,723 to showcase my slow cooker, obviously, 418 00:15:22,803 --> 00:15:27,883 and to say that, well, because of the divorce, 419 00:15:27,963 --> 00:15:30,363 we have to do some estate planning. 420 00:15:30,443 --> 00:15:33,203 And we wanted to ask you two 421 00:15:33,283 --> 00:15:36,643 if you would consider being legal guardians to Jeffrey. 422 00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:38,923 Look after him if we die. If we both die. 423 00:15:39,003 --> 00:15:40,803 Wow. 424 00:15:40,883 --> 00:15:42,963 Oh. Right. 425 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,003 Um, wow. Um... 426 00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:46,283 Okay. 427 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,563 Well, that's-- 428 00:15:47,643 --> 00:15:49,123 that's a lot to take in. 429 00:15:49,203 --> 00:15:50,243 - Um... - I mean, 430 00:15:50,323 --> 00:15:52,683 may I ask why us? 431 00:15:52,763 --> 00:15:55,203 - Because we love you. - We couldn't agree on anyone else. 432 00:15:56,443 --> 00:15:58,323 Right. 433 00:15:58,403 --> 00:16:00,123 Well, I mean, that's really flattering, right? 434 00:16:00,203 --> 00:16:04,083 Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, for me, it's yes. 435 00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,683 I don't want to speak on Sharon's behalf, but-- 436 00:16:06,763 --> 00:16:08,043 Right, yeah. I mean, 437 00:16:08,123 --> 00:16:10,883 for me, it's, um... But I just think, 438 00:16:10,963 --> 00:16:13,163 out of respect for the question and for you guys, 439 00:16:13,243 --> 00:16:15,563 it's something, you know, we should discuss at home. 440 00:16:15,643 --> 00:16:18,923 Take your time. Not too long, though. 441 00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:20,443 [chuckle] 442 00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:22,763 We thought you just wanted a foursome. 443 00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:33,323 How about Fran puts on some tea, 444 00:16:33,403 --> 00:16:34,683 I have a piss, 445 00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:37,523 and then we come back and you say yes? 446 00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:39,683 But we're not-- we're not saying no. 447 00:16:39,763 --> 00:16:41,723 I think what we're probably saying is that, 448 00:16:41,803 --> 00:16:43,043 you know, we just need time to-- 449 00:16:43,123 --> 00:16:44,243 - Douglas: I'm home. - [door closes] 450 00:16:44,323 --> 00:16:45,323 Is that Douglas? 451 00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:47,163 You're early. 452 00:16:47,243 --> 00:16:49,603 Yeah, finished up early, so I thought I'd pop back 453 00:16:49,683 --> 00:16:52,803 to see if the Warsaw Pact was drawing to a close. 454 00:16:56,643 --> 00:16:58,243 Fran [chuckling]: Mm. 455 00:16:58,323 --> 00:16:59,843 Douglas: Mm. [kiss] Mm. 456 00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:06,403 Oh, um, this is Sharon and Rob. 457 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:09,563 Good friends. And this is Douglas. 458 00:17:09,643 --> 00:17:10,883 - Hi. - Hi. 459 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,203 Aloha. 460 00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:14,603 And Chris. 461 00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:16,883 This is Douglas. Ahem. 462 00:17:16,963 --> 00:17:18,323 Nice to meet you, Chris. 463 00:17:19,443 --> 00:17:22,163 Well, there you are. 464 00:17:22,243 --> 00:17:24,083 There's some meat-- 465 00:17:24,163 --> 00:17:26,843 uh, beef in the slow cooker if you're hungry. 466 00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:30,163 No, thanks. I'd like to die with all my own teeth. 467 00:17:35,803 --> 00:17:37,363 Have you seen this? 468 00:17:37,443 --> 00:17:39,603 Uh, no, no. We just got it. 469 00:17:43,843 --> 00:17:46,883 So...where is the little laddy? 470 00:17:50,123 --> 00:17:51,843 Rob: We should maybe say yes 471 00:17:51,923 --> 00:17:53,443 because are both of them going to die 472 00:17:53,523 --> 00:17:54,723 in the next three years? 473 00:17:54,803 --> 00:17:56,803 No way. And then we'll have done 474 00:17:56,883 --> 00:17:58,403 something wonderful for them, 475 00:17:58,483 --> 00:17:59,883 so they'll let us stay 476 00:17:59,963 --> 00:18:02,323 at their beach house in Biarritz probably. 477 00:18:02,403 --> 00:18:04,603 Yeah, but what if she dies of cancer 478 00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:07,763 and then he dies a year later of a different kind of cancer? 479 00:18:07,843 --> 00:18:10,043 Or if he gets hit by a rubbish truck? 480 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,483 You know, or what if he doesn't die? 481 00:18:11,563 --> 00:18:13,043 What if he's just a vegetable 482 00:18:13,123 --> 00:18:14,723 or has to live in an iron lung? 483 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,643 I don't want to look after Chris and Jeffrey. 484 00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:18,003 I mean, I love Chris, 485 00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:20,163 but I don't want to have to wash his balls. 486 00:18:20,243 --> 00:18:22,163 - Really? - No. Look, 487 00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:24,643 I'm just saying we need to read the small print. What do we get? 488 00:18:24,723 --> 00:18:26,883 Yeah? I mean, we know what they get. 489 00:18:26,963 --> 00:18:29,083 They get their son taken care of. What do we get? 490 00:18:29,163 --> 00:18:30,563 Let's ask them. 491 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,083 I mean, maybe we get their house. 492 00:18:32,163 --> 00:18:33,603 You know, we'd have to maintain 493 00:18:33,683 --> 00:18:35,483 Jeffrey's deluxe lifestyle. 494 00:18:35,563 --> 00:18:37,963 Yeah, because, like, what if Daniel Radcliffe 495 00:18:38,043 --> 00:18:39,923 and Susan Sarandon want to come over? 496 00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:41,643 You know they can't come here. 497 00:18:41,723 --> 00:18:43,963 They should let us move in to their house when they die. 498 00:18:44,043 --> 00:18:47,323 Okay, so we say we'll do it if they sign a contract 499 00:18:47,403 --> 00:18:51,363 giving us a sort of posthumous dowry of their house. 500 00:18:51,443 --> 00:18:52,963 Yeah, but just temporarily 501 00:18:53,043 --> 00:18:54,803 until Jeffrey turns 18-- 502 00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:55,963 or 21. 503 00:18:56,043 --> 00:18:57,323 Jesus. 504 00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:59,283 Talk about two birds with one stone. 505 00:18:59,363 --> 00:19:00,603 How do you mean? 506 00:19:00,683 --> 00:19:02,723 Well, you were worried about no eggs. 507 00:19:02,803 --> 00:19:04,443 Now you're going to get an extra son, 508 00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:06,923 and Susan Sarandon's coming over for dinner. 509 00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:10,403 What? 510 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,923 What-- 511 00:19:12,003 --> 00:19:13,163 Why don't you say something 512 00:19:13,243 --> 00:19:15,963 to make me feel better about my no eggs? 513 00:19:16,043 --> 00:19:17,323 What if you went to the doctor 514 00:19:17,403 --> 00:19:18,803 and they were like, "Oh, bad luck, 515 00:19:18,883 --> 00:19:20,603 you've no sperm left in you"? 516 00:19:20,683 --> 00:19:22,403 What you blow into your wife from now on 517 00:19:22,483 --> 00:19:25,963 will just be, you know, dead glop. 518 00:19:26,043 --> 00:19:28,483 I'd say that's terrific. 519 00:19:28,563 --> 00:19:29,883 No, you wouldn't. 520 00:19:29,963 --> 00:19:31,843 And what if you have the urge to make more babies? 521 00:19:31,923 --> 00:19:34,803 You know? What if your body's like, "I need more babies," 522 00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,203 and my egg-less body can't do it, and so you leave me? 523 00:19:37,283 --> 00:19:38,843 Do you not listen to me? 524 00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:41,043 I would love you more if you had no eggs. 525 00:19:41,123 --> 00:19:43,603 I want to be with you, our current children, 526 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:44,883 and that's it. 527 00:19:46,043 --> 00:19:47,723 I'm rotting, Rob. 528 00:19:47,803 --> 00:19:49,083 Me, too. 529 00:19:49,163 --> 00:19:50,683 And that's fine. 530 00:19:50,763 --> 00:19:53,083 Look, your body is slowly turning off, 531 00:19:53,163 --> 00:19:54,603 and that's upsetting to you, 532 00:19:54,683 --> 00:19:56,563 but it's supposed to happen. 533 00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:58,163 And if it's any consolation, 534 00:19:58,243 --> 00:20:01,563 your pussy still tastes and smells delicious. 535 00:20:01,643 --> 00:20:03,163 And not all of them do. 536 00:20:04,403 --> 00:20:06,363 Honestly, that really means a lot. 537 00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:11,403 What about Douglas, though? 538 00:20:11,483 --> 00:20:13,443 Holy shit. 539 00:20:13,523 --> 00:20:16,163 You can tell he sucks right out of the gate. 540 00:20:16,243 --> 00:20:17,203 Yeah. 541 00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:18,603 [knock on door] 542 00:20:18,683 --> 00:20:19,763 What? 543 00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:21,043 Fergal: Can you give me a hand? 544 00:20:21,123 --> 00:20:22,283 I can't get the printer working. 545 00:20:25,163 --> 00:20:26,883 What do you need fucking printing anyway? 546 00:20:26,963 --> 00:20:28,083 Nothing. 547 00:20:28,163 --> 00:20:29,883 Huh? 548 00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:31,163 I don't need anything printed. 549 00:20:31,243 --> 00:20:32,843 I just needed to talk to you. 550 00:20:32,923 --> 00:20:34,923 I've run away from Spain. 551 00:20:35,003 --> 00:20:36,763 - What? - I want to leave Spain, 552 00:20:36,843 --> 00:20:37,963 and if Mallandra won't come back, 553 00:20:38,043 --> 00:20:39,163 then I'm going to leave Mallandra. 554 00:20:39,243 --> 00:20:40,683 She's horrible in Spain. 555 00:20:40,763 --> 00:20:42,083 She walks around naked now, 556 00:20:42,163 --> 00:20:43,683 all comfortable with her body. 557 00:20:43,763 --> 00:20:45,923 Also, some of the lads from the local cantina 558 00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:48,323 took me to a bull fight, and I fainted. 559 00:20:48,403 --> 00:20:50,843 So I'm pretty much blacklisted now socially. 560 00:20:50,923 --> 00:20:52,563 Just need to figure out a way 561 00:20:52,643 --> 00:20:54,083 to get the girls out of the country legally. 562 00:20:54,163 --> 00:20:56,643 [laughing] 563 00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:57,843 It's not funny. 564 00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,563 No, but, I mean, 565 00:20:59,643 --> 00:21:01,243 I can see how it's not funny to you, 566 00:21:01,323 --> 00:21:03,723 but can you see how it's quite funny to me? 567 00:21:03,803 --> 00:21:05,843 - No. - Well, look, you can't stay here. 568 00:21:05,923 --> 00:21:08,043 - Where am I supposed to go? - Where did you say your girls were again? 569 00:21:08,123 --> 00:21:10,043 - Spain. - Well, there you go. 570 00:21:30,603 --> 00:21:31,963 Oh, shit. 571 00:21:46,003 --> 00:21:47,443 [doorbell rings] 572 00:21:51,803 --> 00:21:53,523 I think you know why I'm here. 573 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:56,723 I'm here to bully you into being guardian to my kid. 574 00:21:56,803 --> 00:21:58,923 It's you guys or ape man Douglas, 575 00:21:59,003 --> 00:22:00,843 and I'd re-animate from the dead 576 00:22:00,923 --> 00:22:03,523 to stop that fucker ever getting his mitts on him. 577 00:22:04,683 --> 00:22:07,563 Adopt my son when I die. 578 00:22:09,083 --> 00:22:11,123 Mate, I'm pretty sure I can smell booze on you. 579 00:22:11,203 --> 00:22:12,763 Don't you not drink? 580 00:22:12,843 --> 00:22:14,723 I have the odd drink now. 581 00:22:14,803 --> 00:22:17,323 Okay. 582 00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:18,483 Does Sharon know? 583 00:22:18,563 --> 00:22:20,723 I have the odd private drink. 584 00:22:20,803 --> 00:22:22,883 Right. 585 00:22:22,963 --> 00:22:24,283 You want to talk about it? 586 00:22:24,363 --> 00:22:26,003 Not really. 587 00:22:26,083 --> 00:22:28,483 I mean, I didn't drink, and now I slightly drink. 588 00:22:28,563 --> 00:22:30,483 But look, you don't need to bully me. 589 00:22:30,563 --> 00:22:32,243 We'll be guardians to your son. 590 00:22:32,323 --> 00:22:33,723 There's just some fine print-- 591 00:22:33,803 --> 00:22:35,883 No, you've got a lot on your plate. 592 00:22:35,963 --> 00:22:37,083 Let's park it. 593 00:22:37,163 --> 00:22:38,643 Well, why? That's-- 594 00:22:38,723 --> 00:22:40,483 For a good few years you told me you shouldn't drink, 595 00:22:40,563 --> 00:22:42,363 and I took your word for it. 596 00:22:42,443 --> 00:22:46,123 And now you're drinking. 597 00:22:46,203 --> 00:22:49,403 Well, okay. But, like, look, can you-- 598 00:22:49,483 --> 00:22:50,843 I won't tell Sharon. 599 00:22:50,923 --> 00:22:52,243 Someone will, though. 600 00:22:52,323 --> 00:22:54,443 May be a good idea if it was you. 601 00:22:56,963 --> 00:22:58,883 H-Hang on a second, Chris. 602 00:22:58,963 --> 00:23:01,363 Listen, I know what you're thinking, and I just want to say 603 00:23:01,443 --> 00:23:04,643 I don't know I had a problem with booze itself. 604 00:23:04,723 --> 00:23:06,603 I mean, yeah, sure I had problems. 605 00:23:06,683 --> 00:23:08,883 Can you trace it to booze? You know, I'm not so sure. 606 00:23:08,963 --> 00:23:10,283 You know, I was younger then. 607 00:23:11,363 --> 00:23:12,683 Oh, fuck! 608 00:23:12,763 --> 00:23:15,763 Ohh. Oh, this is-- 609 00:23:15,843 --> 00:23:18,403 I twisted my ankle a few weeks ago, 610 00:23:18,483 --> 00:23:19,843 so that's what-- and it's still-- 611 00:23:19,923 --> 00:23:21,283 so that's what that was. 612 00:23:21,363 --> 00:23:22,763 I know it would be convenient 613 00:23:22,843 --> 00:23:25,763 for your little theory, but I'm fine. 614 00:23:25,843 --> 00:23:28,003 I'm actually doing really well. 615 00:23:29,083 --> 00:23:30,523 Hi, Pearl. 616 00:23:40,883 --> 00:23:44,123 ♪♪ [male singer vocalizing]