-Hey. -SHARON: Uh, sir, your wife is very drunk.
We've had to remove her from our establishment,
so now she's on the streets like rubbish.
-ROB: Jesus! -Whoa.
-Fucking open your eyes! -[horn honking]
Oh, my God!
-[glass breaking] -[tires squealing]
Oh, my God! Rob!
They're gonna give me a breathalyzer.
Wh-What?
I'm not gonna pass it.
What?
[sniffling] I'm sorry.
[siren wailing]
MAN: Your offense showed brazen disregard
for the safety of others.
While you claim custody would be distressing for you,
incarceration is the only appropriate response.
Your sentence is one of six months imprisonment.
You may go down.
[indistinct chatter]
MAN: District Judge Hickey
presiding the case of Robert Norris...
You're up. Go on.
-Zip your fly. -What?
Your fly's undone. Zip your fly.
Oh, yeah, no, it's no problem.
MAN: Following Mr. Norris's arrest,
blood was taken, and he was found to be
40 milligrams over the limit, the limit being 80.
-Mr. Norris. -Judge Hickey.
Call me "Sir." We're not in Kansas.
Sir Hickey,
when I was six years old, I watched my father--
We don't have time for your autobiography, Mr. Norris.
Right. May I approach the bench?
I don't see a bench.
Okay, I accept full responsibility for my misdemeanor--
Crime. Uh, but this incident
was entirely out of character for me.
I was in a very difficult place emotionally, Your Honor, Sir,
as it had not been long since I found out that...
uh, my wife had masturbated off a young student,
uh, a college boy,
on-- on the roof of a nightclub.
♪♪
I'm sorry. I just thought if I could
deflect some of the stink onto you--
300 years ago, if you'd have pulled that crap,
I'm the one who would have been sent down.
With a scarlet letter on me.
300 years ago, you were supposed to drive drunk.
What, on your mule?
Your mule.
Want to drive?
Oh, shit. Sorry. Forgot.
Not allowed to because you're a drunk driver.
-And a fugitive. -I'm not a fugitive.
I turned myself in.
[laughs] You didn't turn yourself in.
If you could have run away from the scene of the accident,
I'm a hundred percent confident you would have.
You wish you were a fugitive.
You were arrested, so you're a criminal.
Criminal in a neck brace.
What a fucking catch.
♪♪
I mean, I feel like I'm under surveillance with Sharon now.
You know? It's like I never had much privacy before,
but now it's like Stasi level.
What's Stasi?
East German secret police.
Well, at least she gives a shit.
Most women would have flown the coop after that stunt.
That's true, but it's still menacing.
-And you haven't drunk since? -No.
Why not? I mean, what's changed
other than that pussy magnet around your neck.
Honestly, the only thing that's changed
is that I now know that my drinking could kill someone
other than myself.
I mean, I didn't care if I got hurt,
but I don't want to kill any civilian bystanders,
or my kids.
Well, you may not have cared if you got hurt,
but did you think about how lonely I'd have been without you,
you fat cunt?
Can we talk about anything other than me?
With pleasure. Let's talk about me.
-How's your new girlfriend? -Oh, I don't know, mate.
It's movin' at warp speed over here.
She wants to move in, got us a family membership at the gym,
which was like, whoa, there, Nelly.
-What's her name? -Nelly.
-Really? -No, it's Tanya.
Hey, do you want to meet her? What are you doing this weekend?
[sighs] I have community service for the next 215 weekends.
At a fuckin' charity shop.
Christ. It's humiliating.
Yeah. It's probably less humiliating
than having to ask a judge's permission
to go to your wife's funeral
because you backed over her in the driveway, though, right?
-Yeah. -Okay, have a great weekend.
♪♪
[car horn honks]
How did you even know I was here?
You told me. Or it was in your calendar.
I forget. Who cares.
[car door opens]
Honey, I'm on probation from the state,
and they're doing a pretty good job.
I'm accounted for.
You need to stop following me.
Don't say it like that.
Like I'm obsessed with you or something.
This isn't "Fatal Attraction."
This is just-- There's 25 pubs between here and our house
that I can't trust you to walk past
because you're a secret alcoholic.
I'm not a secret alcoholic.
I told you that the night we met.
Okay, then a lying alcoholic.
This is inconvenient for me too, you know.
Seriously, why are there so many pubs around here?
Don't we have zoning laws?
It's like Pub, JD Sports, Pub, Bike Shop,
Pub, William Hale, Pub, Pratt, Pub, Pratt Pratt.
Pub, Pratt!
♪♪
So, how did you guys get into the whole
cerebral palsy charity scene?
My daughter has cerebral palsy.
Oh. Oh, great. Er-- I mean,
it makes sense that you would--
I have cerebral palsy.
Hey, have-- have you guys ever seen, um,
"Last Comic Standing"?
Do you guys watch that show?
A cerebral palsy guy did that,
and he won the whole thing.
Because, as you know,
people with cerebral palsy can do anything.
I can't drive.
Well, neither can I.
[indistinct chatter]
Yeah.
Any chance I can put my appropriate weight son on there?
Fuck sake.
You can get on the slide instead.
Go on there.
[sighs]
[phone rings]
Hello. Cerebral Palsy Busters.
Do you want to take us for lunch?
I need a drink.
[sighs] I don't know if I can.
They run kind of a tight ship here.
Nothing happens in charity shops.
Just ask them if you can pop to Greg's
for a fucking sausage roll.
Well, I had Greg's for breakfast.
What? You ate breakfast at home.
Yeah, but then I, you know, I passed one, so...
-Just ask them. -Okay. Jesus. Hang on.
Sorry. Uh, excuse me.
Hi, um, that's my wife on the phone,
and she's wondering when my lunch hour is,
um, 'cause she's on her own with the kids.
Oh, we don't take a lunch break.
We just bring sandwiches in,
in case there's a lunch time rush.
Okay.
Yeah, it's not happening.
Listen, why don't you take the kids somewhere nice for lunch,
you know, treat yourself.
Yeah. Okay. Because, as we both know,
lunch somewhere nice with two loud, dirty children
under the age of four is a real fucking treat.
See you at home.
I have my AA meeting tonight.
-Again? -Well, I mean,
you don't really graduate from alcoholism.
So I'm supposed to watch "Game of Thrones" on my own.
Like a pervert.
-Well, I-- -Fine.
If anything designer gets donated by mistake,
put it aside for me, okay? Bye.
♪♪
FRAN: Have you thought about a bit of therapy?
Yeah, I mean, we've thought about it,
but we don't really want to hear our terrible problems...
out loud.
Chris always likened therapy to taking a shit.
Better to do it in a therapist's office
than stink up your own home.
I can only shit at home.
Well, whatever works for you.
Can't be easy being married to a criminal.
Where's Jeffrey today?
He's moved out.
Moved in with Chris.
Turned down a role in a Vin Diesel movie
to do "Twelfth Night" at the theater.
God, that's rough. Sorry to hear that.
[sighs] We fell out.
But I'm quite happy on my own
in my bachelorette pad.
[chuckles]
I haven't put a bra on before 4 p.m. all week.
Aw. [chuckles]
♪♪
Hello.
Rob, right?
Right. Thank you for--
Oh, finish your biscuit.
Just wanted to say that...
I realized while you were sharing about your accident
that I was there, on Metro Street.
I was actually there that night.
-You were there? -Yeah.
I'm so relieved you're okay.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad,
but, um, I had to go to the hospital too that night.
I got some of your windscreen in my leg.
Some glass splintered and cut me,
if you can believe it.
Oh, I had no idea anyone--
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
I'm just glad you found your way here.
A lot of people don't.
For me, it was losing my husband.
He died five years ago next week.
I was blacked out as usual.
They think I probably knocked over a candle.
They got me out, the fireman,
but they didn't reach him in time.
Oh, God.
Jesus, I'm sorry.
Oh, thank you, love.
Oh, yeah, and you said in your share
that you'd been listening to a lot of Radiohead.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Try to get better. Okay?
Not wank off to your little man feelings.
See ya next week.
♪♪
SHARON: [sighs] Jesus.
So was he, like, cooked or was it smoke inhalation?
I don't know. I'll ask her next time.
So what age is she? What'd she look like?
Mm, uh, 35, 60.
She looked sort of mousey. Mouse-like.
She looked like she was transforming into a mouse,
and then got interrupted mid-spell.
[laughs] Wow.
So you've been thinking about her a lot?
Well, it's just I feel responsible.
Well, there's probably a statute of limitations anyway, right?
It's not a rape. She just cut her leg.
If she was hurt,
then of course we should help her in some way.
All I'm sayin' is...
was she really hurt?
She had to go to the hospital.
Had to? Come on.
And also, you know, you go out at 11:30
on a Saturday night in London,
you might get some glass in your leg,
so whose fault is it really?
♪♪
SHARON: I think we've seen it all now, yeah?
Let's go and get some nosh--
What?
Can I have this?
Don't you have one of those?
-No. -Give me a look.
Oh, come on.
Let's have a look in that bin.
Look at those guys.
Huh?
How about this little fella?
I want Daddy.
[sighs]
♪♪
Let me look at it.
What's that?
♪♪
-WOMAN: Hello. -SHARON: Gonna get this.
-WOMAN: Yeah? -SHARON: Thank you.
♪♪
[exhales]
Excuse me, uh, we're gonna be closing soon,
and-- Oh, hey. Amanda?
I was just at Vizio around the corner,
and I remembered you saying you're working here.
Thought I'd drop in and say hi.
And-And-- And get this.
Oh, just so you know, I inventoried that earlier,
and somebody's replaced the bishops
with Monopoly hotels.
I guess just remember bishop-hotel,
and you should be fine.
[chuckles]
Fuckin' plastic bag.
You look stressed.
Um... it's just--
You know, I feel guilty that
my wife is looking after the kids,
and I'm here folding doilies.
Oh, well, look. Think about it this way.
At least you didn't burn your house down
while your husband was in it. [chuckles]
-Wow. -I'm joking.
I mean, I'm not joking. That happened,
but I always think, what would God want me to do?
Flagellate myself in my basement for the rest of my life,
or come to places like this and help people like you?
You have to forgive yourself.
I forgive you.
[muttering]
Are you okay?
I guess it's just--
A little dizzy.
Skipped lunch earlier, and between that and my leg,
I, uh--
Could you possibly walk me home?
It-- It's really not far.
I-- Could I call you a taxi instead?
It's just I've been gone all day.
I really need to get home.
No. It's okay. I-- I get car sick.
It-- It's fine. I'll manage.
Bishop-hotel. [chuckles]
♪♪
[door opens]
What were you doing in Dalston?
-What? -Did you go drinking?
[sniffing] Did you go drinking under the bridge?
Wha-- No!
The lady with the limp asked me to walk her home.
You walked "the glass in her leg" lady home?
-Well, I couldn't say no. -Oh, my God.
Well, her leg was hurting. What do you want me to do?
I want you to stop farting your guilt
onto some lady who's taking you for a ride,
by the way, I can feel it.
Seriously, you need to get some advice on this,
because this is gonna end badly.
You need to talk to a lawyer.
Get them to send a cease and desist letter.
Cease and desist from asking me to walk her home?
Do not get caught up in her shit, Rob.
-Don't go there again. -Fine!
And seriously, why am I dragging kids
around fuckin' museums
when you're working as an escort?
Honestly, it'd be easier if you'd just...
lived in China than this shit.
Spend what little time you have when you're not, like,
getting arrested or having probation hearings with your family.
She's a fucking fire widow that I injured in a car accident
that I'm trying to help out,
and who has a shaving of sympathy for what I'm going through.
[scoffs] Oh, please.
How did you know I was in Dalston?
-Find My Phone. -What?
The app thing.
You need to stop surveilling me.
Okay? I'm not planning a bank robbery.
I'm goin' to AA, I'm working in a charity shop,
plus my real job,
and I'm doing the best I can.
And you're just-- I mean, it's like
"Making a Murderer" up in here.
Are you trying to drive me back to the bottle?
[chuckles] Oh, my God!
Now I've heard it all.
Does that make you feel good,
blaming it on me?
It feels great.
[sighs]
Those are for Frankie's lunch.
Really.
Did he pay for 'em?
[slurping]
Or did I?
Oh, my God.
♪♪
The receipt's in the bag.
Have a good day.
-Hi. -WOMAN: How are you?
Yeah, good, just gonna grab those.
[clears throat]
[beep]
It's just--
[clears throat]
Um, just a minute.
That isn't the right price tag for this pair.
Hm?
That's the wrong price tag.
Is it?
Did you swap the tag?
Why would I swap a tag?
Because these cost 150 pounds more.
Really.
Well that's... aggravating.
-Do you still want them? -Yes, I still want them,
that's why I'm buying them.
But I'd be grateful if you could sort it out and find the right tag.
You have the tag.
What?
[clears throat]
I can only think that
my son must have swapped the tags because--
Your son picked out a waist 27 jean?
[scoffs] You know what?
I don't know how this happened.
I know how it happened.
But y-- What's the big deal?
Really? You know, because next month
they're gonna be on sale for that price anyway.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you work here?
Because most of the time it's the fuckin' owners
who determine if there's a sale on.
Was it worth it? To get some cheaper jeans?
They're probably gonna be too tight on you anyway.
-Pardon? -You heard me.
You know, I could call the police.
And you think they're gonna put you in some nice lady cell?
Because you're a nice lady?
There's no such thing.
And you know where they go?
If you get arrested?
Well, they don't go with you.
Sir, my husband's an alcoholic.
My children don't have a father...
this weekend. And it's just--
just really hard. It's really hard right now.
♪♪
[cell phone chimes]
[door bell rings]
-Yeah? -Oh, uh--
Is Amanda--
See, I've got, uh--
I'm sorry, are you a friend of hers?
No. I'm her husband.
♪♪
[buzzing]
Hello.
H-- Oh.
Is Rob there?
No, he left his phone here.
And a large Burger King bag.
Um, hold on.
There's an orange Fanta in it
and some socks.
-Where is he? -I don't know.
He left about an hour ago.
He left--
Okay, thanks.
♪♪
I left the money for the-- on the--
♪♪
Rob?
Rob! Rob!
[grunting] Ah!
-FRANKIE: Mommy. -[cell phone rings]
[panting]
[groans]
ROB: I'm so sorry.
I had to pick up my phone from the charity shop,
and then by the time I--
[panting]
Okay.
I'm okay.
♪♪
SHARON: Can I help you?
Oh, uh, I was looking for Rob.
Oh, he's-- he's not home. He's--
May I, uh, come inside and wait for him?
Um...
Do you know what? Let me get
the push chair inside.
Uh, you-- you know, actually, um--
Let me give him a call,
because, uh, I can tell him that--
Hey! What the hell?
Did she hurt you?
What? No, I fell over.
You cannot come here. You cannot come to my home.
Why are you angry? I don't understand.
I just met your husband. Okay? Your alive husband.
You know, you might not get jail time
for burning somebody in a bullshit story,
but you should at least get a fine.
I mean, are you even an alcoholic?
Is your name even Amanda?
It's probably fuckin' Joan.
You called it. My smart wife.
She fuckin' knew.
Rob, maybe we could talk about this somewhere in private.
Never come near me and my family again
unless you want to take another trip to the hospital.
That's too much. Come on.
I'm sorry. Okay? I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry. Have a good evening.
♪♪
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you should be.
Because that scared everyone, me, limp lady, the kids.
And the neighbors.
Mike Walsh just called and asked if we were okay.
-What'd you tell him? -I told him to give me back my cordless drill.
[laughs]
I am sorry.
Can I ask you something?
Were you unhappy the whole time?
Like when we had that weekend in Margate.
Were you unhappy in Margate?
What about when we went to Whipsnade Zoo?
Were you drinking in Whipsnade Zoo?
No, why-- why would I--
Well, you weren't happy.
You didn't love being a dad and a husband enough
to not drink vodka in the basement.
Honey, those things can co-exist.
Did you ever drive with the kids in the car
when you were drinking?
No, God, no. I would never--
Oh, so just with me, then.
[sighs]
Honey, I-- I need you to try and trust me again.
Just so you don't worry or panic
when you don't know where I am,
and feel like you have to track me.
I'm not doing that 'cause I don't trust you.
Well, then, why are you?
Because I get scared when I can't see you.
Okay?
I had to look at you in the mangled wreck of a car.
From the time it took me to run from that shitty pizza place to the car,
I thought you were dead.
Oh, honey.
Ah--
Just don't die on me.
The kids would be fucked if you die first.
Well, I mean,
they'd be way more fucked if you died first.
Don't know about that.
I don't feel like much of a mother right now.
I got caught stealing today.
From a shop. With the kids.
Like a meth head.
Might have got arrested.
Why are you laughing?
Because that's like a garden variety cry for help.
Well, then, help me.
Answer my cry for help.
What'd you steal?
A dinosaur pillow and a pair of jeans.
Oh, well, then it's just a matter of time
before the SWAT team gets here.
[laughs]
Fuck off.
Check out Bonnie and Clyde here.
[chuckling]
[grunting]
[heavy breathing]
[laughing]
I'm so sorry.
I just-- I-- It's the neck brace.
-Oh. -I'm sorry. I just--
Shall I turn around and then you can--
-Uh, sure. -'Cause then I don't-- Yeah.
[sighing]
[heavy breathing]
Wait, no, sorry, sorry. Now I can see you in the mirror.
Wh-- Uh-- Should I turn the light off?
Yeah, that'd be great. Sorry.
Thanks so much.
♪♪