I think it's great that they let a guy
with a head injury have his own show,
but it's not really fair on his guests.
[chuckles]
Why are you working on a Sunday?
'Cause if I finish this today,
then I can be home for dinner tomorrow night.
[exhales] God.
Seriously,
when's it all gonna stop being such a slog?
Shit.
Oh, I forgot to say
Mrs. Hammond's retiring next week.
Really?
She wants to spend more time with her grandchildren.
Poor fuckers.
With this new bloke taking over from her,
it's making me anxious.
Why? I thought you hated Hammond.
Yeah, but at least I knew where I was with her.
What if the new guy doesn't get me?
My teaching style?
You know? I'm pretty maverick.
-Okay, captain, my captain. -[chuckles]
I've gotta get her a leaving gift as well, for God's sake.
What about, like, a tasteful sex toy?
Oh, right, so like a--
Like a Waterford crystal dildo?
I mean, don't go crazy, but maybe...
antique nipple clamps?
[laughs]
Frankie just heard that.
Great. Now we don't have to have the nipple clamp talk.
♪♪
[knocking]
-Can we interrupt you? -Oh, yeah.
I was just checking out the pricing on--
Rob, this is James Cohen.
He's just taken over from Anthony Tillman
as global Chief Operating Officer.
Good to meet you in person, Rob.
Good to meet you, too.
James is just here on a whirlwind visit
on his way to the Geneva office.
Ah, not such a whirlwind. I'll be here for a week or two.
I've been hearing really good things about you, Rob.
Or rather, I haven't heard anything bad.
-And that's good. -[chuckles]
Yeah, once they took the vending machine
out of the employee kitchen,
I became a lot more productive.
[laughing]
-Uh-- -Oh, yes, we have to get down to research.
-Shall we catch up later? -Okay.
Uh, hey make sure you close the double doors when you enter.
Those guys are afraid of sunlight.
[laughing]
And, uh, keep an eye on your wallet.
There's been some incidences of theft down there.
Really?
No, that was also a joke.
-JAMES: Oh... -[chuckles]
♪♪
MRS. HAMMOND: I know the world has changed a great deal
even since I first entered the school.
We didn't have hand sanitizers,
or blogs.
We had powdered soup. And diaries.
Caleb, maybe one day you'll invent
the next way to clean your hands
with perhaps a vapor, or even a microchip.
Wouldn't that be something?
Oh, my God, she's lost her mind.
Now, would you please give a warm Kingscote Primary welcome
to your new headmaster, my esteemed successor,
Mr. Maxwell.
[applause]
Thank you, Mrs. Hammond,
and thank you to the choir for that touching rendition
of "Umbrella."
When the sun shines, we do all shine together.
[indistinct chatter]
SHARON: Shush!
What'd you think?
I think we can break him.
Did you see he was wearing a braided leather belt?
[laughs]
Tells you all you need to know.
I see we have another case of the giggles.
Mr. Maxwell, this is Miss Norris, and Miss Niles.
They're always laughing at something or other.
[chuckle] I gave up trying to find out what a long time ago.
But as it's my last week, I don't mind saying
I've always found it extremely annoying.
Oh, well, I'm a terminally unfunny man,
so I'm always grateful to have someone lighten the mood.
[chuckles]
-Shall we go to my office? -Let's.
[chuckles]
They're off to do the head teacher hand over ritual now.
What's that?
She squirts some milk of knowledge out of her tits,
and then he rubs it all over his face and chest.
[laughing]
Now, when I look at a map of Europe,
I think of Napoleon,
and all he was able to achieve.
I can't help but wonder,
why aren't we making more inroads into certain territories?
Now, I know you guys can get people from the Baltics, for example,
to start gobbling up more dualoxitene.
Anybody ever been there?
Well, the chicks are hot,
but otherwise, it fuckin' sucks.
[laughter]
You've got people committing suicide for lunch up there.
We should be moving truckloads of the stuff.
Truckloads!
Just to follow up on the Baltic idea,
-this is something Rob and I-- -Uh, Harita,
I've gotta bounce.
So, yeah, you take over. Okay?
♪♪
[indistinct whispering]
[laughing]
So--
[indistinct dialog]
DAVE: Can I give you my BMW?
Sure. Can I sell it?
Fucking drive it off a cliff, I don't care.
Then, yeah. Why are you getting rid of your car?
Well, I just need to start downsizing
in case we wind up pulling the trigger on New Zealand.
What are Catherine's thoughts on all this?
Uh, mixed bag.
I think she'll come around, though.
-[phone chimes] -Oh! I gotta go.
I just got a DM from Eric Trump.
-Ugh! -[knocking]
Oh, hey, James. What can I do for you?
Rob, my wife flies in tomorrow,
for some reason.
Would you and your wife or husband--
I don't want to make assumptions--
-I-- I have a female wife. -Would you like to bring
your female wife to dinner with us?
There's one of those hoof to snout restaurants in Knightsbridge.
Do you eat that stuff?
Oh, sure. I'll eat a face.
[laughing]
What are you two conspiring about?
Oh, dinner tomorrow night. My wife's in town.
Oh.
Well, let me know the details of where and when,
and I'll see if my boyfriend can come along, too.
I'm gonna bet you 500 bucks
that her boyfriend has pierced nipples.
-How will we find out? -Leave that to me.
Hey. Good news about syphilis in the Netherlands.
I know. I'm psyched!
♪♪
How's it going there?
Yeah. Good. Good.
And what is this?
Uh, well, that's just some sh--
um, stuff that I bring in to show them I was a person once.
-Oh... -[chuckles]
That's me at a school, uh, disco thing,
grade one guitar certificate.
That's me and Nick Rhodes.
From Duran Duran.
♪ Girls on film ♪
Oh...
First album I ever bought.
Yeah, I remember the first teacher of mine
I thought of as a human being.
I saw her crying on the top deck of a bus
on her way home one day.
And for the first time I saw her not as a teacher,
but as a woman, with feelings.
Oh. Well, that's--
But then we found out that she'd been having an affair
with a 17 year old boy in 6th form.
Can you call it an affair?
Is it relationship?
I mean, couldn't she have waited one more year?
Yeah. Yeah, or she could have looked into dating a man
from her own generation.
Yes. I feel the same way.
[chuckles]
Right. I'll leave you to your work.
Okay.
What the fuck is that?
What did it smell like?
I didn't stick my nose in it.
Well, I mean, I doubt it's anything.
It-- It would have had to penetrate trousers,
and that cotton underwear.
Unless he wears silk ones,
in which case he's a real pervert.
Oh, okay, so I imagined it.
No, but, you know, if you didn't,
then he made a multiple fabric blast through,
which is unlikely unless he's Superman.
Look, a man,
a man in a powerful position,
left a moisture patch on my desk.
I don't feel comfortable with that.
Okay, uh, what are you gonna do about it?
I don't know. Be angry.
Nothing.
I think those are both great choices.
Oh, uh, we've been invited to a dinner
with the big Braeband boss and his wife.
We've been invited?
-Me, too? -Yes.
Oh, God. Really?
[scoffs] When?
I hate work dinners.
You've never been to one.
I've literally never once asked you to come to a work dinner.
What will they want from me?
I don't know, you're wife-like presence.
Yeah, but should I be chatty, like Michelle Obama,
or should I be more like Jackie Kennedy?
You know, like don't say much, but when I do say something,
really make it count.
Like slag off the queen.
I think I'm gonna say you can't make it.
Aww.
♪♪
[knocking]
I wrote you a text saying I missed you,
and I saw the three dots and then nothing.
What were you gonna say? Don't three dots me.
Well, I was texting you back
I miss you too,
then I realized I didn't.
So I stopped.
Come on, Fran, we were having fun.
Yes, but that's all we were having.
What's wrong with that?
I don't know.
I was looking at Chris and his girlfriend the other night.
They were smiling, and they were laughing,
and I realized that you don't make me laugh.
You make me grunt sometimes,
and you made me meow that one time.
But I'm sorry
I don't want the Poundland version of what they have.
Not what I expected to hear, but it's your prerogative.
Other women your age would be happy to have
a man make them cum their tits off on a Wednesday night
instead of watching "Countryfile,"
but... such la vie.
Enjoy being alone.
And, uh, I didn't make you meow.
I made you oink. Like a pig.
♪♪
[sighs]
[knocking]
This is the attendance file for year five.
Ah, thank you. That's tonight's entertainment sorted.
[laughs] Yeah.
That's a lovely blouse.
Oh! Thanks.
Yeah, not everyone could get away with a blouse like that.
Kate Winslet, maybe.
-Laura Linney. -Right.
Thank you.
Um, can I talk to you for a minute?
Of course. Grab a pew.
[chuckles]
Um...
this is a bit uncomfortable,
but I'm-- I'm just gonna say it.
Uh, it-- it's good to say what you think. Right?
Instead of-- Yeah, bottling it up--
I used to do that but then, um, I developed alopecia.
I mean, it all grew back apart from one of my arm--
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Okay, well, now I'm intrigued.
[chuckles] Mm-hm.
So when you were in my classroom the other day,
I don't know if you remember, you sat on my desk.
And, uh, when you got up, there was this...
substance-- When you got up from my desk,
you left a wet patch behind, and, uh--
I mean, I'm not implying anything, but I'm just--
Did you notice it or...
Well, I'm glad you asked.
Because I was wondering what was on my trousers
when I came back from your classroom.
Oh! Really?
-Yes. -Oh!
So you-- you don't--
[stammers]
Okay. Well, um...
I think-- I mean, that's--
I'd better, um-- There's a big tray of Rice Crispy cakes
in the staff room for Tess Smith's birthday
if you, you know, if you wanted--
If that's your jam. [chuckles]
Yumsters.
♪♪
SHARON: I think I'm a pretty good judge of character.
You know, you have to be in my job,
and something about him just says to me,
"I made the stain."
And I-- I can handle it. You know?
But what if I let it lie and he--
-[laughing] -I don't know, kidnaps a student.
You know, if you see something, say something. Right?
What do you think?
What do I think about what?
Doesn't matter. What do you think?
I think that's Reese Witherspoon.
-What? -At the table by the stairs.
Is that Reese Witherspoon?
No.
[laughs] I think it is. Excuse me.
JAMES: You know, Rob, I can see that you have a vision
of how to run Braeband.
But you need room to do it. Am I right?
Well, uh, yeah, I mean, I uh--
And I have a vision of you unshackled and free to excel.
Is that crazy?
I've heard crazier things.
But you catch my drift, right?
James, I wonder if you heard we got the results from
the isithromycine trials through.
-Quite interesting. -Well, you know what's more interesting?
They have two different types of chocolate mousse here.
Well, one's more of a cake,
but I'm gonna get 'em both.
What do you say, guys?
Shall we get a few for the table? Huh?
Mr. Harita.
[laughing]
♪♪
Jeffrey!
"Jane the Virgin."
Jeffrey!
Jeffrey.
[sighs]
[cell phone rings]
Hey. Um, Jeffrey's asleep.
Listen, are you around tomorrow?
I think he's ready to come home.
[sighs] Oh. Is the coast clear?
Sorry?
-Harita. -Oh, yeah, no, she's gone.
Oh, I guess she had to get her Tinder date
back to the orphanage before midnight.
[laughing]
Sharon, great to meet you.
Mm-hm.
Home slice, I'm gonna see you at the office.
-Alrighty. -All right.
[chuckling]
What?
-What was all that about? -All what?
You were like a human laugh track
for every mean thing he said about Harita.
Look, he's my boss.
I mean, actually, he's my boss' boss.
And it was a joke. And it was funny!
It wasn't funny. It's bullying.
Look, you don't have to worry about Harita.
She could eat the two of us for breakfast.
No, fuck that!
Seriously, I'm fed up with this shit!
Fed up with men just rubbin' their old balls on our desks,
and, you know, ordering chocolate mousse for everyone.
You know, you didn't even try the second one,
-and it was delicious. -Oh, who cares?
Honestly, I've seen you be shitty before,
but I've never seen you be so... small.
Jesus, it doesn't suit you.
What are you doing?
Well, I thought you were--
I just felt like slamming the door. Get in.
♪♪
[door opens]
-Hey! -Hey.
Where's Daphne?
Oh, she's with my mum. Come here. Sit down.
Do you want some peach smoothie?
-I made extra. -Sure. [chuckles]
Oh, wow! [chuckles]
Did you get these peaches from our tree?
We don't have a peach tree.
-We-- -So, listen.
Um, if you find yourself getting...
upset over the next few minutes,
just... take a deep breath. Okay?
-Why would I-- -We're leaving.
Is this because of New Zealand?
No, New Zealand is a symptom, you're the problem.
You're not God. You can't make us safer.
Could still get meningitis or hit by a car in New Zealand.
You need to sort yourself out, Dave.
Okay, I-- I-- I'm gonna-- I'm gonna take a breath now.
[inhales, exhales]
I am doing this for us.
Okay?
For our futures.
I am trying to be a good father.
That's not how you parent.
You parent by reading Daphne a book
about fucking ducklings,
not by stocking a bunker with two tons of rice.
Yeah, well, maybe I love differently than you do.
Okay, Dave.
[sighs]
Can just you go and let Daphne stay?
I didn't mean that.
I'm-- I'm sorry. Catherine!
[scoffs]
[grunting]
[panting]
[yelling]
Ow.
♪♪
[whispers] Oh, God.
I've explained to Mrs. Decker
what you came in to talk to me about the other day,
and I've also informed her about the report back from maintenance
regarding the leakage from the ceiling,
which, thankfully, explains the moisture patch on your desk.
And, indeed, my trousers.
-Yeah. -So,
I just wanted to check that everything made sense to you,
and that you felt we had closure.
Yeah.
[clears throat] I-- Yeah.
I feel, um--
I'm sorry about... [chuckles]
but, um... yeah.
And, well--
No. [chuckles]
Um, I mean, that's fine about, you know, the patch,
the-- the moisture patch, that's all--
I mean, that's-- that's clear.
But I just think there was a shortcut
to avoiding all of this, and that's...
don't sit on my desk.
Because, uh-- I mean, I'm not crazy.
If you hadn't sat on my desk and I saw the moisture patch,
I-- I never would have thought it had anything to do with you.
Because, um-- Well, my desk is a desk.
You know? It's not a chair.
So, uh, all good now?
Oh, and, um...
don't feel like you need to tell me my blouse is nice,
because, I mean, thank you, but I know it's nice.
You know? I got it at Whistles.
And the whole, you know,
not many people could pull that off thing--
comment-- it just made me feel
a little bit-- That's all.
But, uh, I'm glad you summoned me.
So, yeah. I think now we do have closure on the matter.
Yeah.
♪♪
[door opens, closes]
I make my own career decisions.
Okay?
I just want you to be my mum, not my manager.
Of course.
[sighs]
Thank you.
Uh, shall I take that?
Well, I, um-- I don't know.
That's my bag.
You can say no, um, but I was thinkin' that...
maybe-- maybe me and Jeffrey come as a package.
And I know you're still with Douglas--
I broke up with Douglas.
Me, too.
I mean, with Tanya.
We might not have been Romeo and Juliet, Fran,
but at least we were...
Bull Durham and...
you know, whoever Susan Sarandon played.
When I saw you at the party,
you looked so beautiful.
And when I made you laugh,
it made me want to be your husband again so fuckin' badly
that I had no choice but to beat the shit out of my dick when I got home.
I thought I'd have to go to the hospital.
I practically yanked it off.
Um... how is it now, is it... better?
No, it's still pretty messed up.
Mm...
Well, you better come in then.
♪♪
Rob, we'd like to offer you SVP of European sales.
We think you've got the goods.
And you know what?
You're not a foot soldier. You're a general.
Or a colonel. I'm the general.
[chuckles] Oh, wow.
Well, I don't know what to say,
other than, number one, thank you.
Uh, but then, 1-A, that's Harita's job.
Mm, well, as far as I can see,
there's nothing she can do that you can't do.
And besides, I like you.
I like you, too.
Uh, but where does that leave Harita?
She's out, she's gone.
Does she know she's gone?
Not yet.
♪♪
[sighs]
♪♪
[indistinct chatter]
Is that Johnny Squirtypants?
Don't look at him. Just keep walking.
I think this is gonna be my last year at Kingscote.
I'll find another school.
I might go to bed for six months, maybe.
You know?
Do a bit of embroidery.
Is that okay? I'm really tired.
Well, before you climb under the duvet,
I have some news.
James offered me a promotion today.
-Really? -Yeah.
Harita's job.
Oh, my God.
Fucking hell.
Those bastards. What'd you say to him?
Well, I told him I'd have to think about it,
but then, on the way over here,
I was thinking about what you said the other night
about Harita and men sitting on women's desks,
and I thought, I don't want to be that person.
So I called him back and told him
I wasn't gonna do Harita like that,
and I turned it down.
Right. Right.
Well, I'm proud of you.
That's great.
You should be proud of you, too.
You know, you let them know they wronged Harita,
and-- and you have a problem with that.
That's great. You said your piece.
I guess I did.
And tomorrow...
you know, maybe tonight,
if you can get them on the phone,
you-- you tell them you've had a think,
and, you know, you're ready for this.
You're-- You're ready to lead the company
in a bold new, just, blah, blah, blah.
I mean, I'm not gonna put words in your mouth.
You'll figure it out.
What?
I turned it down because of you.
Because of what you said.
I thought you'd be proud of me.
I am proud of y--
I just said I was proud of you.
I just don't think we can afford to be idealistic
with our mortgage and credit card debt,
and, you know, you said you want to get your--
your teeth whitened.
Okay.
Oh.
Don't be all...
Come on. You're the best.
We'll be grand.
♪♪