That was horrible.
You should be able to handcuff your kids
to the airplane seat.
They'd be all, "bleh," for like a minute,
and then they'd be fine.
Have a super trip to Vermont.
Hope you get trampled by a moose.
What a monster.
I know. I mean, what was her problem?
Frankie went up to her, what, like two or three times?
Yeah, if she didn't want kids talking to her,
she shouldn't have worn a fuckin' Shrek jumper.
Oh, God, I need to stop for a second.
I'm so tired I could cry.
Well, put on your sunglasses and cry
I can't. Muireann popped one of the lenses out.
Oh, honey.
Sir.
-[chuckles] -Thanks.
I'll get it in a minute.
♪♪
-Hey. -Hi.
-Get over here. -[chuckles] Hey.
-Hi. -Yeah.
What is that smell?
-It's us. -Oh.
Well, it's at least great to see you.
Okay. Let's go.
[car doors close]
Let's hit the beach.
-Yes! -Okay.
[sobbing]
Is that the radio?
[sobbing] Mom's dead.
She died.
What?
-[sobbing] -Come on.
No.
What? No, what? I don't--
-What? -I don't--
I-- I talked to her right before we got on the plane.
She-- She asked me to bring her Coleman's mustard.
I-- I found her in her bedroom this morning.
-What happened? -We don't know yet.
We think it's probably a heart attack.
[sobbing]
-Do you want me to drive? -BOTH: No.
Okay.
♪♪
Did the paramedics try to resuscitate her or--
They did not. She was cold when they got here.
Did they try everything?
I mean, should I go up there and try to--
No.
-Hey. -Hey.
Are you okay?
-I mean, yeah. -Yeah.
-You know. -Yeah.
Uh, Pat, this is my brother Rob--
-Oh... -And this is my Sharon.
This is Rob's Sharon. This is Sharon.
Rob...
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
-It's terrible. -Yeah.
It's just terrible.
Did you tell them about last night?
She just-- She didn't seem herself to me.
She didn't seem herself... to you?
Not to me. No.
We were having soup from Five Corners,
she loves their soup.
And so we were just in the kitchen
slurping on that.
But her eyes seemed cloudy to me.
And she said--
She-- She said a couple times how tired she was.
[sniffling]
Oh, oh-oh.
All right, I'm gonna go get us some lunch.
Mia said that you were a big corned beef guy
when you were a kid, Rob.
You still like corned beef?
I'm gonna go see my mom now.
All right, well, I just get a few different meats then,
you know, just to be safe.
All right.
♪♪
People die when we visit.
Your dad died when we went to Ireland.
And now my mom.
I mean, we can Skype or write letters to your mom,
but if we visit her, she'll die.
We have a dark power.
What?
I was just wondering if there's anyone we should visit.
[chuckling]
Maybe we should visit Fergal.
[laughing]
That's not funny.
It's nice seeing you laugh.
She looked kind of beautiful.
Didn't she? Lying there.
She really did.
Do you think Pat went up there and did her hair and make up?
Huh?
No.
I don't know.
Sounds like they had a pretty great rapport.
I don't like that he was here when she died.
Fuckin' grief vampire.
What do you think his problem is?
What do I think his problem is?
What, that he loves your sister and he seems really kind.
And he made us that great lunch.
He put meat on a tray.
Yeah, but I think he smoked that meat himself.
I'll fuckin' smoke his meat.
[sighs]
When do you think the service will be?
We're aiming for Friday.
We might need to stick around for a few days afterwards
just to help sort out her affairs.
Okay.
How long do you think that will take?
I don't know.
Yeah, but approximately.
-I don't know. -So I should cancel the hotel?
Yep.
Do you think you still might want to go down to the beach?
-I don't know! -Okay, honey, I was just--
You know, it might be good for the kids.
All right, well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go to the beach,
and I'll stay here and go to my mom's funeral.
I'm gonna go to your mom's funeral.
Just after that, maybe we should go to the beach.
I mean, you'll still be sad,
just... why not be sad on the beach?
-I'll still be sad. -I'll be sad, too.
At the beach.
♪♪
Looks great.
Oh. It's for my mother-in-law's funeral.
♪♪
-Hey. -Hey.
How'd you get on? Did you get a nice suit?
Uh, it's probably four sizes too big,
but it was 75 bucks, so...
-Did you get that dress? -Yep.
I got the blue bikini as well.
'cause it was so cheap.
Also, you know, you never know.
There's another swimsuit store up here I saw.
I wanted to have a look. Do you mind?
MAN: Rob.
-Rob Norris? -Tim?
-[laughing] -How you doin', man?
-What's up? -[laughs]
Oh, wow. Hey, Sharon,
this is Tim Cabot.
We worked together for years at Frye and Lowe.
Tim, this is my wife Sharon.
-Hi, Tim. -Sharon.
You know, I had a little girlfriend in fat camp called Sharon.
You're not from Toronto, are you?
Uh, no. [chuckles]
I'll take your word for it.
[laughing]
-How you doin', man? -Pretty good.
You know, started my own business.
Got tired of making those donkeys rich.
What the hell are you doing back here?
Did London kick you out once they found out you were a bigamist?
-[laughing] -No, no, um--
Uh, my mom died yesterday.
Holy shit, I am sorry to hear that.
Yeah, my mom died 11 years ago.
It sucks not having a mom.
I don't care that I'm 56, I still want my mommy!
[chuckling]
Listen, let's, uh, get together when it's a better time.
Okay.
Maybe Sharon could fall in love with Boston,
and I could entice you to come work for me.
[laughing]
Unless you don't like box seats at Fenway,
or lobster Fridays.
I like those things.
-[laughing] -TIM: Uh! Got ya.
-All right, man. -Listen, I gotta roll.
-Give me a call. -Okay.
-Sharon. -Oh!
[laughing]
Oh, man. [chuckles]
Still mourning after 11 years. Wow.
Yeah, it looks that way.
Guess you'd better not ask him
to go bikini shopping with you.
What's that supposed to mean?
Is that a dig at me? I'm devastated too, you know.
And worse, you're inconvenienced.
Honey.
I feel awful for you, of course I do,
and for Mia, really awful,
but am I sad for us that it happened on our family holiday?
Yeah, I'm-- I'm sorry. But I am.
We've had a really tough year,
and it's just horrible luck.
Yeah, I hear what you're saying.
It is sad about the holiday,
so why don't you take that feeling,
and, uh, put it in a box,
and then try and kick it up your own asshole
while I bury my mom?
♪♪
Hey, sweetheart.
-I'm so sorry. -Thank you, Jan.
I know Mia was looking forward to seeing Frankie and, uh,
-the girl? -Muireann.
Oh, M-- Yes, of course. Mm-hm.
Hi. I'm Sharon.
Very sad.
Bobby. Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Your Dad's here.
Oh... Wow.
Sydney won't come out of her room.
She doesn't want to see him.
-Where is he? -He's in the bathroom.
He's been in there for 20 minutes.
I think he's taking a shower.
But when he gets out,
probably best we ask him to leave.
All right, well, let's just hit the breaks for a second--
There's the big guy! [laughs]
I know who you are. [laughing]
Welcome to New England.
So, is Rob showing you a good time?
Well, we've been getting ready for the funeral.
Make sure he takes you to Woodman's
-for some fried clams. -SHARON: Okay.
Hey, who's this little guy?
Uh, that's your grandson.
Well, how about that?
Hey, are you okay?
I mean, you-- you look a little yellow.
Oh, yeah, it's just a little cirrhosis.
I'm on some list for a new liver.
-Jesus. -I'm gonna be honest,
I'm not priority, but, you know, why should I be?
I always rode it hard and put it away wet.
[chuckles]
Anyways, good news about Brexit, huh?
Oh, I forgot. You're a bigot.
Oh, come on, it's just about borders.
What, are you gonna build a house without walls?
It'd be nuts.
Plus, it'll give your cousins in the IRA something to do.
What?
SYDNEY: We don't owe him anything.
He wasn't even there when you were born.
He met you when you were four days old.
Fuckin' asshole. You know who was there?
I was there. I was five.
I'm not telling you what to do,
but, you know, if you told him you forgive him,
even if you don't mean it, you'll feel better,
'cause he's gonna die soon.
You can forgive someone when they're dead.
Yeah, exactly! I'm not on his timeline.
He chose to live that way. You reap what you sow.
Oh, God.
My uncle had cirrhosis.
It was disgusting.
It's a bad end.
Thank you.
I'm right here.
What do you need?
♪♪
ROB: In a lot of ways, she was a great mom.
She used to cook us casseroles in the morning.
She'd read somewhere that breakfast was
the most important meal of the day,
so she used to get up at 5 a.m.
and prep a big pot of meat and vegetables,
and we'd just sit there and sweat and eat it.
And she did good deeds, too.
We found that out when we were going through her stuff.
She raised money for spinal surgeries for kids
through her eBay sales.
I guess there's a button on eBay where you can donate,
and-- and that's what she did.
Um, her friend Sally gave me an email, uh,
that she sent her.
I'll read it.
"I heard about these babies.
"Their spines are like corkscrews,
"but once they have these surgeries,
"it's beautiful.
"They can play hockey or rollerblade.
"I mean, I wouldn't have to do it at all
"if this government gave a rat's ass about disabled kids.
"They'd be happy to just throw 'em out the window.
"I bet Mike Pence spends his Sundays
"throwing disabled kids out of windows.
"Looks like he would, that fuckin'
microwaved apple lookin' assed motherfucker."
[chuckling]
I'd go on, but it gets worse.
Please join us at Archie's for fried stuff and drinks.
Thank you.
[sobbing]
Oh, honey.
[sobbing] I don't know why I'm--
-You miss her. -No. [sobbing]
Yeah.
♪♪
[indistinct chatter]
I hated Obama, but I respect him.
You'd think after eight years he'd want to put his feet up
instead of spending all that time organizing fake school shootings.
-[scoffs] -Jesus.
Why are you here?
Outside of looking for a donor liver.
I'm here to pay my respects to your mom.
-Oh, really? -Really.
Really? Well, you look like a fuckin' minion.
Honey, I don't even know what that is.
Is that bad?
Is it?
What?
[inhales] Oh, for God's sake.
What the hell?
[groans]
[door opens]
Did you see my dad fuckin' followed us here?
Yeah.
He's probably filling his pockets with chowder crackers.
[chuckles]
Are you okay?
Yeah, sorry, I'm just--
Oh... I didn't realize you loved her so much.
No, I didn't, I'm just--
Sorry.
You just keep talking 'cause I gotta take a whiz.
Oh, I think maybe it's--
I think maybe it's jet lag or something, you know?
[exhales]
Shit. Do you have a tampon?
Um, no, I don't think so, I haven't had my, um--
[sniffles]
♪♪
-Oh, fuck. -What?
My period's four days late.
Hang on, is today Wednesday?
No, it's Friday.
It's six days late.
[indistinct chatter]
Haven't been to a funeral in quite a while,
-I usually skip 'em. -Really.
Is this the first funeral you've been to
where you broke the jaw of the deceased while drunk?
-She told you about that? -Yeah.
Yeah, well, I thought about that a lot,
and alls I can say is,
I hit her way less than my dad hit my mom.
And I spoke to Sharon and she says you don't hit her at all,
so... it's all going in the right direction.
And look at that little guy.
He's gonna be even better than you.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Uh...
what do you want to do about your dad?
He upset Sydney and he's quite yellow.
And are we taking his word for it
that he's not contagious with all that?
Look, Pat,
you seem like a great guy.
Or at least Sydney thinks that you are.
But as far as I'm concerned,
you're just some guy that I met yesterday
who's sticking his nose into my family's asshole.
I know you're upset.
That's some insight there, Dr. Phil.
So I'm not gonna take offense to that.
Would you rather take offense to me
telling you to shut your Guy Smiley Muppet hole
and fuck off behind that plant over there?
-Rob-- -All right--
-[gasping] -Oh, great!
-Good work, Pat. -Oh, my God.
You know, you should probably get her contact info
so you can be there when she dies.
Could share a cup of soup with her on her deathbed
while her kids are banging on the window to be let in.
Okay, maybe you should go outside and get some air.
-I'd like that. -Great.
-I'm very sorry. -[cell phone rings]
Hello.
♪♪
SHARON: You okay?
ROB: Yeah. It's just been a long day.
Tim Cabot called me earlier.
-Who? -The guy you went to fat camp with in Toronto.
[chuckles] Oh, Tim.
What did he want?
He offered me a job. Really good one.
[sighs] That's gotta feel nice.
Yeah, it does.
And frustrating.
Why?
Well, since you can't take it.
Why? Why can't I take it?
Because we don't live here.
But we could. I mean, why not?
It'd be like a new adventure.
The kids would love it.
You know, and if we sold our place in London,
we could pay cash for a house in Swampscott, Massachusetts.
I don't want to live somewhere called Swampscott.
Okay, then Saugus.
[laughs] Jesus, who names these places?
I just want to get home, okay?
I just want to get back to normal.
Look, I uprooted my life for you,
and moved away from my family,
and now my mom is dead, my dad's old,
and the biggest organ in his body is shutting off.
And my sister seems strong but she needs me.
Yeah, but they know that you have a family in London that needs you, too,
and also, they've got Pat now.
Okay, we could argue about this all night,
but I'm taking the job and we're staying.
You can't just tell me what I'm doing,
I'm not a fuckin' handmaid.
-Also, I just-- -Oh, oh, when I said "we,"
I meant me and the kids.
-What? -I mean, you could be a part of our "we,"
or you could just as easily fuck off,
but I'm staying here with the kids.
Okay, I know you're grieving,
and in a little while you'll feel really bad and apologize,
but even suggesting that I live in a different country from my kids
is a good way to get the ball rolling on your own funeral.
And I don't mean to sound psychopathic,
but I will kill you.
I fuckin' dare you to kill me.
You would last a minute trying to raise these kids on your own.
Do you know how hard I would laugh if you killed me?
[chuckles] Not as hard as me.
[scoffs] It'd be a welcome relief.
From the day I met you,
I've struggled to make you happy,
and it never works.
Have you ever done one thing-- I mean, just one thing--
just for me?
Other than grow and feed and raise all of your babies?
Yeah, other than that?
-Countless blow jobs. -Countless?
[scoffs] I'm pretty sure I can count to 23
over four years.
I get claustrophobic!
All right, well, you know what?
You're mean and you're selfish,
and nobody likes you.
Oh, is that so? Well, I don't really care.
You know, and more importantly,
I don't like you.
♪♪
[phone line ringing]
Hi, this is Fergal. Please leave a message.
[beep]
Is everything okay with you guys?
Uh, I'm not sure I have a short answer for that.
Listen.
I called Dad and we're gonna have lunch next week,
so... yeah.
If I can do that,
I think you can sort things out with Sharon.
Right?
Oh, uh, I have something for you.
Before you leave. Okay, wait.
Listen, uh...
I don't want to bother Rob with this,
but can you let him know that
I'm sorry if I tried to take the wheel too much.
Yeah.
I might have to mail it to him in a letter
'cause he's not talking to me right now, but sure.
And anyway, don't worry about it. You've been great.
-No. -A real rock for Sydney.
Well, I try to be.
I think that's what Rob needs, too.
A rock.
Huh?
I'm a rock.
-I'm his rock. -Oh. Okey dokey.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Of course.
Hey. So, this came last night.
Thought you'd want to have it.
Guess she bought it before she died.
She's been falling asleep in the middle of her eBay auctions.
She bought a ceramic banana last week for $1500
'cause she conked out on the re-bid button.
[sobbing]
I'm sorry, Pat.
Mm-mm. Oh...
[sobbing]
♪♪
Can you pull over?
Yeah. Are you okay?
Yeah. Just want to tell you something.
It's weird, you know, when you're here
you don't feel like you're in a
white nationalist ethno state,
run by a fake theocratic dictator.
You just feel like you're on a pretty beach.
Yeah. You'd never know.
I'm sorry that you find it a struggle
to make me happy.
Because, really, you make me happy every day.
I mean, most days.
Honey, I seriously didn't mean
those awful things that I said.
I just thought, you know,
what would be meanest.
Yeah, but I get why you said it.
So let's do it.
You know?
Let's move here.
We could have a good life here.
Look, I'm a husk of a man,
and if you want to be with this,
then I don't care where we do it.
It could be London or Boston,
or fuckin' Cairo.
Just tell me where to be and when,
and I'll do it.
I'm pregnant.
I know.
I saw the test in the trashcan.
You left it, like, on top of the pile of trash.
And I figured it wasn't Sydney's or my mom's.
[sighs] Oh, God.
What do you think?
I threw up when I saw it.
Yeah, me too.
But then I thought...
why not?
I mean, it could be fun.
What do you think?
I mean, yesterday, I definitely
didn't want to have any more of your children,
but, I mean, now, sitting here...
you look so handsome.
I really want to have it.
Like I really want to push out a tiny little baby
and just kiss it and smell it.
Can I ask you something?
I didn't fart. There's an algae here that smells like--
I mean, it smells like my farts.
No, just--
Do you think we would have ended up together?
I mean, if you hadn't got me pregnant.
The first time.
If I met you right now,
I'd still want to fuck you for a week.
And get you pregnant. And marry you.
And mess it all up from there.
Let's do that then.
Want to jump in quickly?
The kids are asleep.
-No. -Why?
I don't want to have fun right now.
[laughs]
What are you doing?
Having fun.
ROB: Sharon!
♪♪
[chuckles]
Thought you didn't want to swim?
I just didn't like seeing you drifting there on your own.
♪♪
♪ If I could have it back ♪
♪ All the time that we wasted ♪
♪ I'd only waste it again ♪
♪ If I could have it back ♪
♪ You know I would love to waste it again ♪
♪ Waste it again and again and again ♪
♪♪
♪ Well, I've got to ask ♪
♪ Sometimes I can't believe it ♪
♪ I'm moving past the feeling again ♪
♪ Sometimes I can't believe it ♪
♪ I'm moving past the feeling again ♪
♪ Sometimes I can't believe it ♪
♪ I'm moving past... ♪