1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,091
_

2
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,793
Wow.

3
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:14,429
I can't believe you guys got
a reservation at this spot.

4
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,246
Or are we just pretending

5
00:00:16,271 --> 00:00:17,076
to be the next party of four,

6
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,411
regardless of what name they call?

7
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:19,718
Oh, yeah, 'cause I'll do that.

8
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:21,052
I am starving.

9
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:22,554
Spencer, party of three.

10
00:00:22,639 --> 00:00:24,305
Yeah, that's us.
Sorry, Greg, you're out.

11
00:00:24,330 --> 00:00:25,092
No, no, no,

12
00:00:25,187 --> 00:00:26,668
we have an actual reservation.

13
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,894
And not only that...

14
00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:31,229
dinner is on us tonight.

15
00:00:31,273 --> 00:00:32,343
What? No way.

16
00:00:32,368 --> 00:00:33,068
- Uh, absolutely not.
- Yes!

17
00:00:33,093 --> 00:00:34,594
- No, no, no. We insist.
- No. - Yes!

18
00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,951
As a thank you for helping
Lucas get into Lark's preschool.

19
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,487
He wouldn't be there without
your letter of recommendation,

20
00:00:39,512 --> 00:00:41,288
- so...
- And he already got reprimanded

21
00:00:41,313 --> 00:00:43,301
for bullying. And you
know what bullies have?

22
00:00:43,326 --> 00:00:45,460
Confidence. So, thank you.

23
00:00:45,498 --> 00:00:47,123
- It was our pleasure. Really.
- Yeah, really.

24
00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:49,691
It's the least we can do.
And not just because it means

25
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,240
that now you can pick Lark up for us.

26
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,737
Tonight is our treat.
You guys just chill out.

27
00:00:53,761 --> 00:00:55,094
We're gonna go buy a round.

28
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:58,464
Wow. Look at that.

29
00:00:58,550 --> 00:01:00,883
Hey, babe, good job writing that letter.

30
00:01:01,029 --> 00:01:02,445
I didn't write that letter.

31
00:01:02,470 --> 00:01:04,281
What do you mean? You've
been acting like you did.

32
00:01:04,305 --> 00:01:05,605
Because I thought you wrote it.

33
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:06,772
I specifically remember

34
00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:07,968
you saying that you would write it,

35
00:01:07,992 --> 00:01:10,086
because you elbowed
me in the ribs so hard

36
00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:12,101
that I spit my retainer
out into the toilet.

37
00:01:12,126 --> 00:01:12,795
No, no, no, no.

38
00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:14,208
I remember you promising,
because you had just finished

39
00:01:14,232 --> 00:01:16,427
that rap documentary and you
made up some ridiculous rhyme

40
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:17,733
- about the letter.
- Listen,

41
00:01:17,785 --> 00:01:19,402
just because I spit a sick freestyle

42
00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:21,432
does not mean I'm actually gonna do it.

43
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,906
Greg, come on. They are paying
for a crazy expensive dinner

44
00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,936
because they think we are
the reason that Lucas got in.

45
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,159
So we have to tell them.

46
00:01:27,385 --> 00:01:28,551
I feel awful.

47
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,438
Straight up unlawful.

48
00:01:32,101 --> 00:01:33,125
Hey!

49
00:01:33,150 --> 00:01:35,418
We got the fanciest drink on the menu.

50
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,753
These are chocolate martinis.

51
00:01:37,805 --> 00:01:39,274
The bartender was so impressed.

52
00:01:39,298 --> 00:01:41,641
He said no one's ever
ordered four before.

53
00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:43,907
Okay. Uh, look, guys,

54
00:01:43,932 --> 00:01:46,372
there-there's no way that we
can let you buy dinner tonight.

55
00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:47,853
Well, too bad, bro.

56
00:01:47,962 --> 00:01:49,796
When we were being interviewed,

57
00:01:49,821 --> 00:01:52,796
we talked about how much
we wanted Lark and Lucas

58
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,820
to-to be as close as you and I are.

59
00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:56,049
Say what?

60
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,607
And I realized that I was talking

61
00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:00,516
about the relationship
that I wish we had.

62
00:02:00,541 --> 00:02:02,774
Because I know that
I haven't always been

63
00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:04,259
the best brother, Greg.

64
00:02:04,284 --> 00:02:05,570
But I want that to change,

65
00:02:05,595 --> 00:02:07,178
and I want it to change starting today.

66
00:02:07,789 --> 00:02:09,014
'Kay.

67
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:10,847
To a sinfully sweet evening.

68
00:02:10,872 --> 00:02:13,005
These were $18 each.

69
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,531
Short, party of four.

70
00:02:15,556 --> 00:02:16,375
Oh, right here.

71
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,877
- Follow me.
- Yay.

72
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:20,202
Oh, my God.

73
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:21,477
Did you hear that?

74
00:02:21,502 --> 00:02:22,965
Uh-huh. You know what I didn't hear?

75
00:02:23,051 --> 00:02:25,218
You telling him that we
didn't write that letter.

76
00:02:25,243 --> 00:02:26,659
Oh. But...

77
00:02:26,684 --> 00:02:29,191
Jen, I have never heard
him say anything like that

78
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:30,808
to me before, all right?

79
00:02:30,833 --> 00:02:32,836
All right? A-And, look,
I'm not gonna mess up

80
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:34,694
our one chance at really being close

81
00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:35,945
by telling him I screwed up.

82
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,580
Their kid got into the school.

83
00:02:37,666 --> 00:02:38,748
Victimless crime.

84
00:02:38,773 --> 00:02:40,640
Yeah, until the bill comes.

85
00:02:40,752 --> 00:02:42,752
Well, then we'll just order light.

86
00:02:42,837 --> 00:02:44,420
Oh, good. I'm starving.

87
00:02:44,445 --> 00:02:46,695
So this works out perfectly.

88
00:02:47,773 --> 00:02:51,210
I think I will just have the broth.

89
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:52,718
Jen,

90
00:02:52,743 --> 00:02:54,743
tonight's a night to splurge.

91
00:02:54,878 --> 00:02:57,545
No, no. I really need
to lose some weight.

92
00:02:57,570 --> 00:02:59,403
Who told you that? You
said you were starving.

93
00:02:59,428 --> 00:03:01,721
She's not as hungry
as she thought she was.

94
00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,389
Isn't that right, Jen?

95
00:03:03,414 --> 00:03:04,414
Mm-hmm.

96
00:03:04,439 --> 00:03:05,439
Mm-hmm.

97
00:03:05,711 --> 00:03:08,495
If you ever want to talk, call me.

98
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,947
You know what, I, uh... I think, uh,

99
00:03:11,032 --> 00:03:12,398
this little plate of olives

100
00:03:12,450 --> 00:03:14,067
will fill me right up. Greg,

101
00:03:14,092 --> 00:03:17,161
dude, you're gonna split the
tomahawk steak for two with me.

102
00:03:17,661 --> 00:03:19,989
But... but that's a couple's dish.

103
00:03:20,014 --> 00:03:21,886
Well, that's what we are.
We're a couple of brothers.

104
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:25,294
Come on, you-you got
to split that with me.

105
00:03:25,963 --> 00:03:27,580
'Kay.

106
00:03:27,632 --> 00:03:29,415
Uh, but, Greg, what about

107
00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:31,417
all those filling olives?

108
00:03:31,469 --> 00:03:33,803
I mean, some of them are even stuffed.

109
00:03:33,888 --> 00:03:36,139
No, no, no, no, no. My, uh...

110
00:03:36,224 --> 00:03:39,308
my-my brother wants to
share an entrée with me,

111
00:03:39,394 --> 00:03:41,644
and-and we've never
shared anything before.

112
00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:45,487
Yes, but you could
share a veggie burger.

113
00:03:45,512 --> 00:03:46,792
Oh, I don't want a veggie burger.

114
00:03:46,816 --> 00:03:48,566
Yeah, but Matt doesn't
want a veggie burger.

115
00:03:48,903 --> 00:03:51,154
Jen, do you want a veggie burger?

116
00:03:52,359 --> 00:03:54,001
Let's just get one, put it on the table,

117
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,441
see what happens.

118
00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:04,033
Uh, psst, Jen,

119
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,451
this is the veggie burger.

120
00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,370
For later, when Greg's not looking.

121
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:09,233
Thank you.

122
00:04:10,085 --> 00:04:12,315
Okay, I'm dying to know.

123
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:13,949
What did you write in the letter?

124
00:04:14,043 --> 00:04:16,760
Who remembers?

125
00:04:16,785 --> 00:04:18,381
Well, can we have a copy?

126
00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:20,016
I...

127
00:04:20,041 --> 00:04:22,408
- don't think that is allowed.
- No.

128
00:04:22,433 --> 00:04:24,198
Oh, come on, man. Just,
like, show us on your phone

129
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,299
or something, you know?
I mean, it's not like

130
00:04:25,323 --> 00:04:26,526
- we're gonna tell anyone.
- No.

131
00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:27,416
Now?

132
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:28,501
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

133
00:04:28,526 --> 00:04:30,143
Oh. Yeah, I...

134
00:04:30,195 --> 00:04:31,728
It's not on my phone. I-I...

135
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,188
- I sent that, uh, e-mail from my laptop.
- Yeah.

136
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,808
Oh. Well, then it should
still be on your phone.

137
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,371
Okay, does anyone else feel like Colleen

138
00:04:38,395 --> 00:04:39,507
is attacking me right now?

139
00:04:39,532 --> 00:04:41,290
Okay. All right. No, no,
no, Colleen, back off.

140
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:42,541
Greg's my little brother, you know?

141
00:04:42,565 --> 00:04:44,090
He's just doing things the right way.

142
00:04:44,115 --> 00:04:46,035
We'll-we'll just a copy
from the school tomorrow.

143
00:04:47,176 --> 00:04:48,658
- Totally.
- Yeah.

144
00:04:48,824 --> 00:04:50,154
Um...

145
00:04:50,461 --> 00:04:52,377
we...

146
00:04:52,402 --> 00:04:55,353
did not write the letter.

147
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,162
But-but before you get upset,

148
00:04:58,214 --> 00:05:01,215
Matt, I-I just want you to think
back very clearly on this night.

149
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,885
We never explicitly stated
that we wrote the letter,

150
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,336
so...

151
00:05:06,519 --> 00:05:08,346
Wow, man.

152
00:05:08,371 --> 00:05:09,674
I can't believe you let us down.

153
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,342
We shared a bone, Greg.

154
00:05:11,428 --> 00:05:12,948
You're right. You're absolutely right.

155
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,652
I am... I am sorry, Matthew.

156
00:05:14,677 --> 00:05:18,390
And, uh, why don't you
let us share the bill,

157
00:05:18,415 --> 00:05:19,934
like brothers?

158
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,414
How 'bout you pay for the whole thing?

159
00:05:21,438 --> 00:05:22,937
Sure. That sounds fair.

160
00:05:24,709 --> 00:05:26,125
Okay, well, if this is on us,

161
00:05:26,150 --> 00:05:27,483
um, 'scuse me, yeah,

162
00:05:27,508 --> 00:05:29,008
please throw this away.

163
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,863
I'm just gonna...

164
00:05:36,266 --> 00:05:38,149
_

165
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:42,373
It took four years,
but I'm finally done.

166
00:05:43,056 --> 00:05:45,293
- Hi.
- Let's go get me a pig.

167
00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:47,879
A pig? What are you talking about?

168
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:51,766
You promised I could have one
if I did everything on this list.

169
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,935
"Straight As, saved money for pig food,

170
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,777
walked Pop-Pop's dog to
learn responsibility."

171
00:05:56,802 --> 00:06:00,141
Oh. Hey, hey, hey. "Stop eating
pork out of respect for pigs' lives."

172
00:06:00,226 --> 00:06:01,309
You didn't do that one.

173
00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:03,895
I give you bacon every Saturday.

174
00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:05,470
And I give it to Dad.

175
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:06,762
Tim.

176
00:06:06,787 --> 00:06:09,037
We had a good thing going there, Sophia.

177
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,282
Ah, there's got to be a
loophole here somewhere.

178
00:06:12,307 --> 00:06:13,807
It's not notarized.

179
00:06:14,824 --> 00:06:16,490
Oh. Yes, it is.

180
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,676
What are we gonna do?

181
00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:24,090
Besides tell Jen to stop
notarizing things for the kids.

182
00:06:24,115 --> 00:06:25,500
We can't get her a pig.

183
00:06:25,585 --> 00:06:27,301
Tim, we have to. We promised her.

184
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,971
We can't teach her that
promises are just meaningless.

185
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,849
We can get her something
she wants even more.

186
00:06:31,874 --> 00:06:34,458
Are you saying that we
should bribe our daughter?

187
00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:35,342
Yes.

188
00:06:35,397 --> 00:06:36,690
Oh, great. I just wanted to make sure

189
00:06:36,714 --> 00:06:38,130
that we were on the same page.

190
00:06:39,603 --> 00:06:40,765
Hey.

191
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,767
I was just thinking of names for my pig.

192
00:06:42,852 --> 00:06:44,246
- Ooh.
- What do you like better,

193
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:45,844
Kevin Bacon

194
00:06:45,869 --> 00:06:47,772
or Kiefer Sutherland?

195
00:06:48,958 --> 00:06:50,441
Obviously, both are strong.

196
00:06:50,527 --> 00:06:51,920
Yeah, you're right.

197
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,705
I'll just have to meet
him and see what fits.

198
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,947
Mm. Okay, so, first of all,

199
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,499
we are so proud of you

200
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,608
for accomplishing
everything on that list.

201
00:07:01,633 --> 00:07:03,538
- So, so proud.
- Mm-hmm.

202
00:07:04,703 --> 00:07:06,507
I'm not getting a pig, am I?

203
00:07:07,453 --> 00:07:09,717
Well, we were thinking that maybe...

204
00:07:09,742 --> 00:07:12,463
there was something you
wanted even more than a pig.

205
00:07:12,625 --> 00:07:13,798
Like what?

206
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,633
- Like a ficus.
- Ho, ho, ho.

207
00:07:15,718 --> 00:07:18,886
Mom, Mom, how is that better than a pig?

208
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,305
- Hey, how about sea monkeys?
- Ooh!

209
00:07:21,330 --> 00:07:23,413
Monkeys are way cooler than pigs.

210
00:07:23,938 --> 00:07:25,560
Those are brine shrimp.

211
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:28,164
Shrimp are way cooler than pigs.

212
00:07:28,189 --> 00:07:30,091
Listen, there's got to be something

213
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,200
that you want other than a pig.

214
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,985
I don't know.

215
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,987
Maybe a cell phone.

216
00:07:36,012 --> 00:07:38,133
Oh, come on. We talked about that. No.

217
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:41,159
You're 11. You really expect
us to buy you a cell phone?

218
00:07:41,244 --> 00:07:45,496
No. I expect you to get me
a pig... like you promised.

219
00:07:46,328 --> 00:07:47,726
Okay, fine, we'll get you a cell phone,

220
00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:50,100
but we use parental controls,

221
00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:51,836
and I get to check
it whenever I want to.

222
00:07:51,921 --> 00:07:53,254
And no case.

223
00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:54,722
But what if I drop it?

224
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:57,008
All right, a decent
case, but not a great one.

225
00:07:58,724 --> 00:08:00,271
I guess that's okay.

226
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:07,263
Okay, joke is on her,

227
00:08:07,288 --> 00:08:09,739
because I was willing
to go as high as a car.

228
00:08:09,764 --> 00:08:10,640
Hmm!

229
00:08:10,686 --> 00:08:13,357
You guys know she wanted
a phone all along, right?

230
00:08:13,443 --> 00:08:14,866
No, she wanted a pig.

231
00:08:14,891 --> 00:08:17,578
That's why she asked for
a pig. Try to keep up, Sam.

232
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,919
Really? She talks to me about
getting a cell phone every week.

233
00:08:20,944 --> 00:08:22,824
When was the last time
she even mentioned a pig?

234
00:08:23,826 --> 00:08:26,075
Yesterday, and then there was

235
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:27,872
that one time before
that she mentioned...

236
00:08:27,957 --> 00:08:30,387
- I don't know. Well, you tell her, Tim.
- Aah!

237
00:08:30,412 --> 00:08:32,293
All right, look.

238
00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:35,199
See this? This is a pig binder.

239
00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:37,431
Picture of a pig. No cell phone on it.

240
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,433
A happy little fat pig.

241
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,469
And inside, you'll find

242
00:08:41,494 --> 00:08:43,058
more drawings of pigs.

243
00:08:43,083 --> 00:08:45,556
And then in here, blank pages.

244
00:08:45,642 --> 00:08:48,476
"Pig equals cell phone."

245
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:50,394
That's written... over and over again.

246
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:53,493
This is also "pig equals cell phone,"

247
00:08:53,518 --> 00:08:54,543
a little more emphatically.

248
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,571
There's lots of pages of that.

249
00:08:56,596 --> 00:08:58,847
And then, well, that's just
a picture of a cell phone.

250
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,854
- Damn, she got us.
- She played us, Tim.

251
00:09:01,879 --> 00:09:03,546
And honestly, I gotta tell
you, babe, she didn't even

252
00:09:03,570 --> 00:09:05,019
have to try that hard.

253
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,647
I'm sorry, guys.

254
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,796
It sucks to have one of
your own kids lie to you.

255
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,998
Uh, anyway,

256
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,668
I'm off to the library
to study with Jenna.

257
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:16,254
You know, don't wait up.

258
00:09:16,339 --> 00:09:19,108
Oh. Bye, sweetie. Have
fun at the library!

259
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:21,309
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hold on.

260
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,311
Get back here, Sam.

261
00:09:26,258 --> 00:09:29,172
Here's 30 bucks. Buy
yourself some books.

262
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,910
Well, at least we still
have one kid we can trust.

263
00:09:34,935 --> 00:09:35,990
Right.

264
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,849
Mm. What are we gonna do about Sophia?

265
00:09:37,874 --> 00:09:40,354
Well, I think we're just gonna
have to give her what she wants.

266
00:09:43,597 --> 00:09:45,923
Oh. Hey, honey.

267
00:09:45,948 --> 00:09:48,369
- Hi.
- Listen, your dad is home,

268
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,956
and he has something that is
going to make you very happy.

269
00:09:51,981 --> 00:09:54,331
Wait. Seriously? My own cell phone?

270
00:09:54,356 --> 00:09:57,180
Oh, no, no, no. Way better
than that, right, Tim?

271
00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:59,547
Yup! Here he is.

272
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,017
What the heck is that?

273
00:10:03,042 --> 00:10:06,743
Well, this is a promise.
Sophia, meet Kevin.

274
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,689
Oh.

275
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,224
Oh, is there a problem?

276
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:11,976
Yeah, you wanted a pig, right?

277
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:15,363
I did. I do. I-I just
wanted the little teacup pig,

278
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,398
you know, that small one from the farm.

279
00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,150
Oh, no. I know. No, this is him!

280
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,520
Yeah, he grew up.

281
00:10:20,545 --> 00:10:23,049
He's gonna be 200 pounds
before you know it.

282
00:10:23,074 --> 00:10:24,707
That's how much I weigh.

283
00:10:28,387 --> 00:10:29,776
Did you see the look on her face?

284
00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:31,829
That was some solid parenting.

285
00:10:31,854 --> 00:10:34,510
- Yeah, that'll teach her to play a player.
- Yeah.

286
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,160
Hang on. What?

287
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:41,722
Oh, honey, no. Don't touch a thing.

288
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,798
It's Sophia's pig. This
is all her responsibility.

289
00:10:46,071 --> 00:10:48,554
Boy, I'd hate to be Sophia tomorrow.

290
00:10:48,579 --> 00:10:50,662
- You're okay.
- I'm good.

291
00:10:54,861 --> 00:10:56,869
_

292
00:11:01,022 --> 00:11:01,938
Tim?

293
00:11:02,023 --> 00:11:03,256
Oh. Yes.

294
00:11:03,324 --> 00:11:05,408
- Can I talk to you?
- Sure.

295
00:11:05,493 --> 00:11:06,680
So...

296
00:11:08,188 --> 00:11:12,765
okay, if Heather were having
a problem with her... testicles,

297
00:11:12,790 --> 00:11:14,849
would you go to her dad about it?

298
00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:16,624
Do you mean ovaries?

299
00:11:16,649 --> 00:11:18,871
'Cause then I'd go to her mom.

300
00:11:18,896 --> 00:11:20,557
No. Right, of course.

301
00:11:20,582 --> 00:11:23,088
But, no, what if they were balls?

302
00:11:23,178 --> 00:11:24,627
Heather's balls?

303
00:11:24,652 --> 00:11:27,607
Yeah, now you're getting
it. So, would you go to John

304
00:11:27,632 --> 00:11:31,007
if Heather's balls felt a little funky?

305
00:11:31,202 --> 00:11:32,385
Yes?

306
00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:34,544
Good, 'cause Tyler's got
a lump on one of his balls.

307
00:11:34,587 --> 00:11:37,530
My big boy's balls? Oh, no.

308
00:11:37,555 --> 00:11:40,143
Yeah, I'm worried, but he
won't do anything about it.

309
00:11:40,228 --> 00:11:41,348
All right, I'll talk to him.

310
00:11:41,373 --> 00:11:43,289
Thank you. It's the left one.

311
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,899
- His left.
- Right.

312
00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:50,880
Hey, bud.

313
00:11:50,905 --> 00:11:52,622
Cool if I hang?

314
00:11:53,385 --> 00:11:54,407
Oh.

315
00:11:54,459 --> 00:11:56,409
Beanbag chair, right?

316
00:11:56,768 --> 00:11:58,351
Nature's lumpy mass.

317
00:12:00,248 --> 00:12:03,437
- Those words don't make sense together.
- Just saying.

318
00:12:03,462 --> 00:12:06,669
I don't care how many lumps
I find in my bean sack.

319
00:12:08,173 --> 00:12:09,755
So Clementine told you?

320
00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:11,947
Yeah. In the weirdest way possible.

321
00:12:12,038 --> 00:12:13,662
It'll probably just go away,

322
00:12:13,687 --> 00:12:15,467
like when my black toenail fell off

323
00:12:15,492 --> 00:12:16,824
and there was another one underneath.

324
00:12:16,848 --> 00:12:18,888
I know you're scared, and
you obviously know nothing

325
00:12:18,933 --> 00:12:20,349
about the human body, but that's

326
00:12:20,435 --> 00:12:22,552
why you're lucky you
got an old man like me,

327
00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:25,333
who's... a doctor, knows
everything about the body.

328
00:12:25,358 --> 00:12:27,442
- Do you need help?
- No. No. I'm good.

329
00:12:27,895 --> 00:12:29,992
Oh!

330
00:12:30,078 --> 00:12:32,862
Aah. That was bone on wood.

331
00:12:33,522 --> 00:12:35,281
Look, why don't you just...

332
00:12:35,585 --> 00:12:39,118
let Doctor Dad take a
look at it and flop it out?

333
00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:40,953
That is never going to happen.

334
00:12:41,005 --> 00:12:42,838
You're uncomfortable, I see that.

335
00:12:43,616 --> 00:12:45,309
Would it help if I
showed you mine first?

336
00:12:46,036 --> 00:12:48,628
How about I just go see a
doctor who's not my father?

337
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:52,363
Attaboy. You show
those balls who's boss.

338
00:12:53,944 --> 00:12:55,894
So, Tyler, big guy,

339
00:12:56,191 --> 00:12:58,995
how's, uh, your... potatoes?

340
00:12:59,807 --> 00:13:01,370
Dad, they are fine.

341
00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:02,792
What are you guys talking about?

342
00:13:02,817 --> 00:13:05,478
Mm. It's definitely not potatoes.

343
00:13:05,563 --> 00:13:07,697
Tyler has a lump on
one of his testicles.

344
00:13:08,783 --> 00:13:09,993
Clem!

345
00:13:10,243 --> 00:13:12,368
What? Why didn't you tell me?

346
00:13:12,453 --> 00:13:14,314
Because it's private.

347
00:13:14,339 --> 00:13:16,525
Now, tell everyone what the doctor said.

348
00:13:16,915 --> 00:13:19,515
I don't know, he-he-he-he
put it under a microscope

349
00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:21,093
and said that everything was good.

350
00:13:21,118 --> 00:13:23,084
That's not how that exam goes.

351
00:13:23,109 --> 00:13:26,165
Well, he-he smushed them in that
machine, and he took a picture.

352
00:13:26,190 --> 00:13:27,523
That's a mammogram.

353
00:13:27,548 --> 00:13:28,895
I can't believe you didn't go.

354
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,197
I can't believe we're talking about this

355
00:13:30,221 --> 00:13:31,420
at the dinner table.

356
00:13:31,445 --> 00:13:32,854
You need to get yourself to a doctor.

357
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:35,065
You're not a little kid anymore.
Heather, stop cutting his meat!

358
00:13:35,089 --> 00:13:36,622
I don't want him to choke.

359
00:13:36,647 --> 00:13:39,512
Well, we both need to stop
treating him like a little kid.

360
00:13:39,564 --> 00:13:41,954
He's a grown-up, and he
needs to take care of himself.

361
00:13:41,979 --> 00:13:44,183
Okay, if we stop talking
about this right now,

362
00:13:44,269 --> 00:13:47,186
I will go to the doctor, like an adult.

363
00:13:49,213 --> 00:13:52,698
Look, guys, I know it feels
like it's really hard right now,

364
00:13:52,723 --> 00:13:54,388
but you're going to
look back on kindergarten

365
00:13:54,412 --> 00:13:56,028
as the best year of your life.

366
00:13:56,114 --> 00:13:58,020
♪ Quack, quack, here and
a quack, quack there... ♪

367
00:13:58,044 --> 00:13:59,243
Trust me.

368
00:13:59,769 --> 00:14:01,686
Okay, skivvies down.

369
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:06,003
Now, remember, only your
doctor or your parents

370
00:14:06,028 --> 00:14:07,923
should touch you in
the bathing suit area.

371
00:14:08,009 --> 00:14:09,458
Or my wife.

372
00:14:09,483 --> 00:14:11,566
I don't hear that a lot
in the choo choo room.

373
00:14:12,630 --> 00:14:14,797
Okay. So...

374
00:14:14,882 --> 00:14:16,222
Uh, Tyler.

375
00:14:16,247 --> 00:14:18,551
You still pursuing being an astronaut?

376
00:14:18,603 --> 00:14:19,719
Yes.

377
00:14:19,804 --> 00:14:22,696
Good, good.

378
00:14:24,649 --> 00:14:25,474
A little cold.

379
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,562
Well, uh, I don't think you
have anything to worry about,

380
00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:32,148
but you know, I usually check testicles

381
00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:34,200
when they've been
smashed on the monkey bars

382
00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:36,569
or smashed on the bike bars
or smashed with a baseball.

383
00:14:36,654 --> 00:14:39,572
- You know, smash-related ouchies.
- Uh-huh.

384
00:14:39,624 --> 00:14:42,625
But I think it wouldn't hurt if
you were to see an adult doctor.

385
00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:45,411
Um, since that's what you are.

386
00:14:46,339 --> 00:14:48,247
So you won't be my doctor anymore?

387
00:14:48,299 --> 00:14:50,353
Good luck, son. Oh, and don't forget

388
00:14:50,378 --> 00:14:52,649
to stop at the treasure
chest on the way out.

389
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,136
Thank you for everything
everything, Doctor.

390
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,567
Oh, let's hold that hug
until you pull those pants up.

391
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:57,923
Okay.

392
00:15:01,729 --> 00:15:03,409
All right, it's just
a cyst, it's harmless,

393
00:15:03,433 --> 00:15:04,930
nothing to worry about.

394
00:15:04,982 --> 00:15:07,808
That's a relief. I'm so glad I did this.

395
00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:10,675
Actually, before you get dressed,
I want to rule out one other thing.

396
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:12,048
Okay, no problem.

397
00:15:12,073 --> 00:15:13,964
Turn around, put your
elbows on the table.

398
00:15:13,989 --> 00:15:15,442
Try not to clench.

399
00:15:17,809 --> 00:15:19,612
Why would I clench?

400
00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:22,665
Great attitude.

401
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:25,051
Thank you...

402
00:15:27,121 --> 00:15:28,871
Is this a real test?

403
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:35,982
_

404
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:39,927
It's happened.

405
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:42,840
I got horrible news about my dad.

406
00:15:43,034 --> 00:15:45,368
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

407
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:48,178
And he almost made it to 100.

408
00:15:48,264 --> 00:15:51,765
No, no. My mom's leaving him.

409
00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:53,433
At the mortuary?

410
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:55,435
No, he's not dead.

411
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:57,938
My mom wants a divorce.
She's leaving him.

412
00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:00,941
Well, she's bedridden.
How can she leave anyone?

413
00:16:00,966 --> 00:16:02,503
You know, I'm from a broken home now.

414
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,020
I'm a latchkey kid.

415
00:16:04,045 --> 00:16:06,924
No, sweetie. That's only
if you're preadolescent.

416
00:16:06,949 --> 00:16:08,636
Aw, hell. I got to spend Christmas

417
00:16:08,661 --> 00:16:11,356
going to two separate nursing homes?

418
00:16:16,661 --> 00:16:19,509
I don't know what you're
making, but it better be pureed.

419
00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:21,795
My parents are coming
for dinner tonight.

420
00:16:22,351 --> 00:16:23,796
What are you up to?

421
00:16:23,821 --> 00:16:25,933
Well, my parents, uh,
they need a reminder

422
00:16:25,968 --> 00:16:29,186
of why they fell in love, so
tonight, I'm playing Cupid.

423
00:16:29,211 --> 00:16:32,437
Uh, do you remember when
you built that wooden menorah

424
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,725
- for your friend Shlomo?
- Yeah.

425
00:16:34,810 --> 00:16:38,699
Yeah, right. And he stayed
with us for two months

426
00:16:38,724 --> 00:16:40,599
while they rebuilt his
house after the fire?

427
00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:42,207
Yeah. Mm.

428
00:16:42,533 --> 00:16:45,192
That was a better idea than this.

429
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:51,208
Oh! Maybe we should
do this one at a time.

430
00:16:51,233 --> 00:16:53,684
Well, they're lovebirds.
They want to be together.

431
00:16:54,408 --> 00:16:55,662
You're hurting me!

432
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:57,547
Oh!

433
00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:59,549
See? They just get each other.

434
00:17:05,804 --> 00:17:07,820
Take as much time as you need.

435
00:17:08,015 --> 00:17:09,742
Oh, shut up.

436
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,178
Hey, wow.

437
00:17:11,203 --> 00:17:13,787
Mom, Dad, um, I've got an idea.

438
00:17:13,812 --> 00:17:15,846
Tell us how you first met.

439
00:17:16,018 --> 00:17:18,849
We were set up by her friend Vivian.

440
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:21,451
She was buxom.

441
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,057
And a communist.

442
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,410
Ha.

443
00:17:26,435 --> 00:17:27,808
- Honey...
- What?

444
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:30,825
...would you help me
grind the steak, please?

445
00:17:31,099 --> 00:17:33,033
She was a socialist.

446
00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:34,763
I think it's so good

447
00:17:34,788 --> 00:17:37,253
that you're trying to save
your parents' marriage.

448
00:17:37,278 --> 00:17:40,457
But they really don't have
anything in common anymore.

449
00:17:40,542 --> 00:17:42,542
Joanie, what dinner are you at?

450
00:17:42,894 --> 00:17:45,929
You know, that stuff about
Vivian the buxom communist,

451
00:17:46,015 --> 00:17:47,464
it's electric.

452
00:17:47,489 --> 00:17:49,406
We've been sitting
there for over an hour

453
00:17:49,431 --> 00:17:51,468
and they've barely said
a word to each other.

454
00:17:51,553 --> 00:17:53,136
They're agreeing on everything.

455
00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:55,772
Don't you understand,
Joanie? If they get divorced,

456
00:17:55,858 --> 00:17:57,391
it changes everything.

457
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,226
All my memories are lies.

458
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:02,813
The birthdays, the holidays,
it's... they're all gone.

459
00:18:02,838 --> 00:18:03,778
No, honey.

460
00:18:03,803 --> 00:18:06,233
I remember when Martin
Luther King was shot,

461
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:09,453
and, and I was devastated,
and they took me to the movies

462
00:18:09,538 --> 00:18:12,523
and they gave me popcorn,
and for two hours,

463
00:18:12,548 --> 00:18:15,909
everything was normal,
everything was okay.

464
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:18,161
No, we watched that on Mad Men.

465
00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:21,121
Do you have to crap on
all my memories, Joanie?

466
00:18:24,449 --> 00:18:27,838
Oh, wow. And here's us
camping in the Sierras.

467
00:18:27,923 --> 00:18:31,425
Huh? Hey, Dad, doesn't
Mom look beautiful?

468
00:18:31,477 --> 00:18:33,343
She looks like Moe Howard.

469
00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:35,979
Well, a-a sexy Moe Howard, huh?

470
00:18:36,065 --> 00:18:39,599
Uh, and doesn't Dad look handsome?

471
00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:41,485
He was a bad lover.

472
00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:44,458
It's hard to get tight in
the undies with Moe Howard.

473
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:48,275
Okay, enough.

474
00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:51,695
I don't understand why you're
acting like you hate each other.

475
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:56,560
Huh? You've, you guys have had a
beautiful marriage for 70 years.

476
00:18:56,585 --> 00:18:58,502
Why throw it away now?

477
00:18:58,587 --> 00:19:00,120
We've always hated each other.

478
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:02,506
We only stayed together for you.

479
00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:03,957
What?

480
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,006
But you are so healthy,

481
00:19:06,031 --> 00:19:08,178
we realize we're not gonna outlive you.

482
00:19:08,263 --> 00:19:11,798
The plan was to stay
together until I died?

483
00:19:12,570 --> 00:19:14,134
You were a fighter pilot.

484
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:16,548
We just assumed.

485
00:19:16,593 --> 00:19:20,034
So you were disappointed
when I came home alive?

486
00:19:24,099 --> 00:19:25,816
Look, I-I just don't understand.

487
00:19:25,841 --> 00:19:29,699
I mean, you guys are in
your 90s, why split up now?

488
00:19:29,888 --> 00:19:32,152
I want to play the field.

489
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:35,038
I think I might be into guys.

490
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:36,890
Huh.

491
00:19:40,932 --> 00:19:43,433
So I need to give up the
fight to keep them together.

492
00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:46,833
Yeah. My only regret is you
didn't try and stop me sooner.

493
00:19:47,275 --> 00:19:50,030
Yes. I-I regret that, too.

494
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:52,589
Mm-hmm. It's a sad day for
me, but I'm gonna tell them

495
00:19:52,674 --> 00:19:56,353
that I'm gonna handle all
the details of the divorce.

496
00:20:00,983 --> 00:20:03,725
Dad, is Mom okay?

497
00:20:04,615 --> 00:20:06,520
No, I think she died.

498
00:20:07,068 --> 00:20:08,688
Oh.

499
00:20:09,115 --> 00:20:11,248
Oh, no.

500
00:20:11,636 --> 00:20:13,135
- Oh, son.
- Hmm?

501
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:15,805
Could you help me install
Grindr on my smartphone?

502
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:24,023
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

503
00:20:24,866 --> 00:20:27,436
All right, sweetie. We're all set.

504
00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:30,920
I think it's gonna be
a very nice service.

505
00:20:32,302 --> 00:20:33,467
What?

506
00:20:34,452 --> 00:20:35,983
Oh, they made it, Joanie.

507
00:20:36,008 --> 00:20:38,685
70 loving years of marriage.

508
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,351
Ah...

509
00:20:47,398 --> 00:20:49,298
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -