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This is "The Kiss" by Judee Sill.
Judee Sill, incredible '70s songwriter,
made two of the best albums ever,
"Judee Sill" and "Heart Food."
Um, hugely, hugely influential and incredible artist.
♪ Love ♪
♪ Rising from the mist ♪
♪ Promise me ♪
♪ This and only this ♪
♪ Holy breath touching me ♪
♪ Like ♪
♪ A windsong ♪
♪ Sweet communion ♪
♪ Of a kiss ♪
♪ Sun ♪
♪ Sifting through the grey ♪
♪ Enter in ♪
♪ And reach me with a ray ♪
♪ Silently swooping down ♪
♪ Just to show me ♪
♪ How to give my heart away ♪
There was a lot of excitement
about Judee in the business, because here was somebody
who was a strong woman,
who wouldn't take no for an answer,
who tried to guide her own life
the way that she wanted to guide it.
She was pretty fierce.
Uh...
I liked her-- I liked her.
She was so talented.
I mean, she had more musical chops
than any of the people on the scene,
except for Brian Wilson.
When I met her, she told me she was
a heroin addict, that she'd been a prostitute,
and that she'd been in jail.
So, you know, that's a-- that's a lot of information.
I had no judgment about these things.
I was only interested in her talent.
I used to wish when I first started out
that I could be the greatest living songwriter
in the world.
And I used to wish that every day.
I still want to go to the very top.
In all ways, not just as far as fame,
I mean spiritually, too.
I want to just evolve as high as I can, as fast as I can.
She always thought that you could
save someone, save their soul through music.
And she didn't doubt that. She believed it.
A lot of what I feel in there
is this voice of grace,
this curious spirit,
and this part of her that never was damaged.
You can see from where she wanted to go
that she had a great future.
I just think it's the darker side of Judee
that didn't enable that incredible flower
to grow into a beautiful tree.
That's what I want to write this song about,
that moment of change, that moment of redemption,
where the lowest thing and the highest meet, you know.
Do you think I'm crazy?
There are quite a few stories
- about your background. - Oh, tell me some.
Uh, I want you
- to tell me some. - Okay.
Which is the whole purpose of this.
Um, okay. Would you like some of the wilder ones?
When I was real little, I always wanted someone
to harmonize with, and I could never find
anyone that could stay on the melody.
And it used to be real frustrating to me,
trying with different members of my family.
So my father owned this bar and had a piano in it,
and one day I went down there,
when I was about three, I think,
and I discovered that I could harmonize
with myself on the piano.
And that's how I got started in music.
Judee's father, Milford,
died when Judee was real young.
She loved him very much.
He was really involved in their lives
and a good heart,
you know, a good father.
My real father died in 1952 in Oakland.
The rest was all in LA.
My mother remarried, so the second guy,
he was a crazy cartoon animator.
And he was pretty rich, so I had all the instruments
I wanted, everything. But they were real crazy.
They drank all the time. They were real crazy,
so I was very unhappy.
My mother liked to fight all the time.
She was a Capricorn. I hated her.
We never got along.
But she was mean on top of being dumb.
That was too much to take.
My Aunt Judee did not get along at all
with Ken Muse. She hated him.
My mom told me to never be with him alone.
He had showed himself to her.
And my Aunt Judee told me that he was not nice to her...
in certain ways.
You lose your daddy,
who you were really close to.
And my father had already got married to my mom.
They had me, so he was having his own life.
And here she was, alone.
A lot was tormenting me.
I didn't even know a lot about what was tormenting me.
But I knew that I couldn't ever have a moment of relief.
I never had a moment of relief.
I think she wanted to move somewhere,
get out of her house.
I worked at the Insomniac Coffee House.
The Chambers Brothers came there to play.
So, after hours, I went to their house,
and she was there.
She played the guitar and the flute.
And we just hit it off good.
And I took her home and kept her.
I lived in a wrecking yard,
and we'd get high and smoke a lot of pot.
She used to play the flute, and I can remember
sitting on the bed there, and that flute would
go through your-- your body.
I was in love.
I guess she was in love, too.
But...
shit happens, you know.
She was doing robberies with these guys.
She told me that she had pointed a gun
at the guy and said, "Okay, mothersticker,
this is a fuck-up."
And she swore that was true.
ACTRESS AS "JUDEE": Sometimes it was quite exciting.
We'd go to a motel afterwards
and spill the loot out over the bed.
This guy fixed downers all the time.
I was a little intrigued by the needle,
but I didn't know what it was going to lead to later.
I didn't care one way or the other.
That's why I was doing those robberies, I guess,
because my heart was reaching out,
trying to get me to care about something.
I got caught and went to reform school for a year,
and I became church organist,
and I learned all of my gospel licks there.
She told me that first day she was there
was a Sunday, and they were having a service that morning.
She jumped up on the piano
and took over the whole service,
playing songs and... and preaching.
"JUDEE": I got some good out of being in there.
I learned a lot of good music while I was in the joint.
My mother died, mostly from drinking too much whiskey.
"JUDEE": I didn't know where to live
'cause I had no good reason to stay with my stepfather.
In fact, I would try to go home sometimes,
and he would lock all the doors,
and when I came through the window,
he would ambush me.
I felt kind of cast out in a sea alone.
♪ So I hope someday the world will see ♪
♪ How blind they've been ♪
♪ But if that day ever comes ♪
♪ I doubt if there'll be anyone alive left to say ♪
♪ Good God ♪
♪ What have we done... ♪
♪ Good God ♪
♪ What have we done? ♪
I'm out of reform school now,
and I'm working at a piano bar.
- You're how old? - I'm 19.
And I meet this guy who sells LSD.
And I start taking acid. I move in with him.
He's a bass player.
It was in 1963 that I met her,
and I think she came into a club
where I was working one night.
She came over and didn't go home.
You know, she was one of those.
I had a couple of those. But no, she was a prize.
You never knew what she was going to say.
Mostly pretty happy, except, you know,
there must be a lot of shit raging
underneath there, too, though.
I was a bass player for five years.
Stand-up bass. I used to be a bebopper.
I always liked a good bass line,
you know, a good foundation.
I met this guy who I had known at Valley College,
a fabulous piano player.
So I married him because I wanted to learn his licks.
I wanted to learn his inversions.
I wanted to learn his voicings.
Some things boggled my mind
about the way he played,
so I married him... to absorb them.
So we became junkies together.
I don't know. It just seemed like
the right thing to do, you know?
I would feel all right. I would get relief.
It hurt so much to play the bass, you know?
I've got real thin fingers.
Stand-up bass was very hard.
I used to shoot heroin, be able to play
into long hours into the night.
With the lights off, sometimes I'd feel
some sweat running off me.
And I'd turn on the light, and there'd be blood
splattered on the wall, you know?
Hopeless heroin addict, $150 a day.
I was a killer junkie.
Killer junkie.
"JUDEE": I was shooting up 15 to 20 bags a day.
Me and my husband traded a car down in Tijuana
for an ounce of heroin. It had some impurity in it
that gave me a rash and made my legs
swell up like balloons.
And I smuggled it across the border in my cunt,
and it was raining, and I was crying,
and I could barely walk, because I was crippled
by the impurity.
I realized that I could come up with more money
by myself. So I went out on my own
and started hooking.
One night, I was fixing up at a friend's house,
and I OD-ed.
The next thing I knew,
the people there had fixed milk in my veins,
and they were slapping me around till I came to.
Right after that, I got busted for forgery
and a lot of narcotics- related offenses,
and I was just beyond desperation in jail.
I had a brother who was a cartoon animator also
and a herpetologist.
He was real nice. He was a Libra, and he died
of a liver infection and pneumonia.
And he died the same day I OD-ed on heroin.
She felt like my father was a saint.
She just loved him so much,
and when he passed away, it was really hard on her.
She couldn't be there, you know, she was in jail.
And I think that that carried with her.
That was the turning point for her.
There was some kind of internal process
which led her to finding the source
to make those songs, I think.
♪ And the fires were roarin' ♪
♪ Stars aligned and the webs were spun ♪
I knew that I had to clean up
or else go back to jail, you know, I had to figure out
some way, so I started thinking, this is gonna be
my ultimate thing.
So I got a tattoo on my arm
to remind me forever, so it would be
indelibly imprinted on my body.
And then I started formulating
exactly what my mission would be.
♪ Chasin' the sun ♪
♪ Hopin' we will soon be one ♪
♪ Until it turns around to me ♪
♪ Then I try to run ♪
Here we go then, number three, right?
Okay. One, two, three, four.
Here I was, just writing songs and real poor,
I had no one interested in my songs yet or anything.
I was living in a '55 Cadillac
with five people sleeping in shifts
in the flatlands of Hollywood.
And so I just listened to the radio all the time
with the earplug in my ear day and night.
I'd go hitchhiking around, people would pick me up
and say "What do you do?" I'd say, "I'm waiting
to be a star. I'm going to be a big star."
No one knew but me, you know?
At our very first meeting,
it was openly divulged that she was a heroin addict
and had been arrested for armed robbery.
I didn't know who she was, and I didn't know
she was a songwriter. She wasn't a songwriter.
But she knew that we had a band
called The Leaves, and she wanted to become famous.
And she was going to write some songs,
and they were going to be good.
"The Dead Time Bummer Blues" was,
I think, the first.
She was getting good, fast.
♪ Where is justice and liberty?♪
♪ The judge was blind and could not see ♪
♪ Where is justice and liberty?♪
♪ Somebody help, please, set me free ♪
♪ It's such a drag just knowing ♪
♪ That the outside is so near ♪
♪ Can't help but ask this question ♪
♪ What the fuck am I doing here?♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Dead time ♪
♪ Doing the dead time bummer blues ♪
Well, I thought I'd do this song "Lady-O,"
which is the first song I ever had on the radio.
I knew this one guy that was in The Turtles,
and one day he called me on the phone and said,
"Hey, how would you like us to do one of your songs?
"We'll give you $65 a week, and you'll be a writer
for our company?" And I said, "Great!"
I was livin' at this girl's house.
And that's who I wrote "Lady-O" for, this girl.
She used to come and flaunt her tits at me.
In the morning, wake me up,
hanging her tits over my bed.
So naturally, we got into some hanky-panky.
It was very miserable for me because I didn't get
enough attention, you know, so it made me
so unhappy that I would go in my room,
shut the door, and write songs.
In fact, some of my greatest songs
would come out of the worst times,
but that's food for me, see?
That's high octane.
I remember her in the studio
with the Turtles, playing "Lady-O."
And she played guitar, and I think
she overdubbed the bass,
which she had some nuances
that I wasn't able to achieve myself.
And she also wrote
and conducted the string section.
They took out an ad in all the trade papers
that said "Lady-O, Lady-O, out of the radio,
into your hearts."
And it sold anyway.
♪ While you sit and seek ♪
♪ A crescent moon is laying at your feet ♪
♪ With hope that's made of sand ♪
♪ You don't think you can ♪
♪ But you have held it all in your hand ♪
♪ Lady-O ♪
♪ I've been trying hard to keep from needing you ♪
♪ But from the start ♪
♪ My heart just rolled and flowed ♪
♪ I've seen where it goes and still somehow ♪
♪ My love for you grows ♪
♪ Lady-O ♪
♪ So on my heels, I'll grow wings ♪
♪ Gonna ride silver strings ♪
♪ But I'll see you in my holiest dreams ♪
♪ Lady-O ♪
I think it was probably around January of '68,
and I went out to find a place to play.
And I walk in, and I see this lanky girl in the back,
you know, playing jazz bass and really killing it, too.
And the place was jumping,
and I-- "Wow, this is great."
And so I asked if I could sit in.
She was with me, like, on every note.
She was just underlying
and making me sound better than I was, you know.
She calls me the next night
and says, "Oh, we got to get together."
She said, "I know a place up by the Observatory."
She says, "Just follow me." And she ran down
some little paths.
And she said, "Here's a good spot."
And I said, "Well, okay."
So we take our clothes off, it's freezing, right?
And we make love.
And... that was part of the adventure with Judee.
You never knew, but you went along with it
because, hey, what are you going to do, you know?
"JUDEE": I knew in my bones something important was
in the works, that I was just getting going.
One day I painted this huge bird.
It was real ornate, had lots of frills and things.
I rubbed the beak and wished I could be
the greatest living songwriter in the world.
Right around then, someone gave me some peyote.
It took me off into unknown areas,
and the songs that came out of me were,
without me realizing it, much better.
I met this guy that had a magic library,
and I heard about Pythagorean music, you know,
how to affect people's deepest emotional centers
with what sounds and what notes,
you know, and he used to do big things
like curing whole flocks of people
in insane asylums. One shot, you know,
two chords on his lute, and that would be it.
She believed it was being downloaded
from a higher source, and it had to be accurate.
That's the way the song was ordained to be,
and it had to be that way.
She was here on a mission to awaken the masses.
What happens is it... it comes to me from God,
and then I look back and say,
"Hey, that's mathematically perfect!" You know?
- It's an afterthought. - Mm-hm.
But it always comes out right, you know?
But I don't really know what I'm doing.
We're sitting on the couch,
she's looking into my eyes and says,
"Hey, you wanna hear one of my new songs?"
And she starts singing, and this velvet voice
comes out. Unbelievable.
I just fell in love with her.
Right then. I mean, it was like magic.
♪ I miss the sweet love of the air ♪
♪ A silver chariot soars ♪
♪ Through mercury ripples ♪
♪ Of sky ♪
♪ I'm looking so hard ♪
♪ For a place to land ♪
♪ I almost forgot how to fly ♪
♪ So, keep on moving ♪
♪ Or stay by my side ♪
♪ Either way ♪
♪ I'll tell you a secret ♪
♪ I've never revealed ♪
♪ However we are ♪
♪ Is okay, doo doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo doo doo doo doo-doo doo ♪
I wrote "Lopin' Along Through the Cosmos,"
and I just wanted to stay up there.
I'd rather be detached, you know, but...
I know I'm down here to stay till I'm done.
I know I have to work all this stuff out, you know.
That's what I'm doing, I'm working it out.
Her harmonies is what I like the best,
her internal harmonies.
She did a lot of that going-down-into-the-canyon-
on-horseback shuffle.
It's like a cowboy feel.
♪ "Bless the ridge rider" ♪
You know? That was a recurring theme.
She was good, you know, she was really good.
Actually, I had a divine inspiration
on how noble it is to not fake it, you know?
A friend of mine came along and manifested this for me,
because he's a real mild-mannered, shy person,
and he's never learned how to fake it socially,
or be slick, you know. And I thought it was
noble of him to not learn how, you know.
And that's how I wrote this song.
She says, "Hey, I wrote a song about you,"
and she hands me this sheet here,
and it was the "Ridge Rider."
She wrote it about me.
She told me she wrote
the "Ridge Rider" about me.
So three of us think that song's about us,
that's good!
Oh, geez! Well, it's just
the human condition that she was exposing in all of us.
Cause she knew what complications
we were all going through as human beings.
She was very complicated herself.
♪ He rides the ridge ♪
♪ Between dark and light ♪
♪ Without partners or friends ♪
♪ He's courageous enough to be scared ♪
♪ But he's too humble to win ♪
♪ Bless the ridge rider ♪
♪ The ridge he's riding is mighty thin ♪
♪ I guess the ridge rider ♪
♪ Forgets he's traveling with a friend ♪
After I wrote the "Ridge Rider," you know,
I started changing my idea about fear and shame.
And I started not trying to get rid of them anymore.
But to be really courageous is to be scared
and to be ashamed in front of everyone.
Ah, takes so much courage to do that!
More courage than to rob a liquor store, more courage
than to sing in front of thousands of people.
More courage than kicking a heroin habit.
More courage than any of that.
She was going to do a Troubadour Hoot.
And so I called David Geffen, and I said,
"David, you should really hear this girl."
His butt was kicked, guy.
Geffen said, "You gotta go see this girl,
Judee Sill." And I said, "What's she like?"
And he said, "She's like nobody else.
Just go see her."
She was playing some little club on Melrose.
Someone in the audience said, "Can you play 'Clouds'?"
She said, "I don't fucking do other people's songs, okay?
"You want to hear her songs, go hear her play, all right?
I'm doing my own songs, so shut up!"
She performed just voice and guitar a lot.
Arty Fatbuckles on Melrose
was one of her standard stops.
All the people that came in there at that time,
there was a lot of really good talent,
but Judee was right at the top of it.
I saw her at the Troubadour
where all the great singer-songwriters
of the day performed.
Laura Nyro, Linda Ronstadt,
Joni Mitchell, everyone.
Sitting around in my house and I was thinkin',
"Boy, it shouldn't be long now, 'cause I've already
been writing pretty good songs now."
Phone rang at that the very instant.
It was David Geffen.
He said he'd heard all about me,
please come down and sing for him.
So I came down, I was so nervous, oh God,
my heart was in my throat like a dead rat,
stuck, palpitating.
She was very engaging.
Easy to like. Had an unusual story.
And so she played a few bars
of one of the songs.
Might have been "Lady-O." I'm not sure.
And before she finished,
he said, "That's enough, you're hired."
He said "What do you want to do?"
And I said, "I want to be a big star."
And he said, "How big a star do you want to be?
And I said "How big can I be?
How big is it possible to be?"
I told him I wanted to be a bigger star
than has ever been before.
She was the first artist signed
to Asylum Records,
and Geffen had tremendous belief in her.
She was thrilled to get a record deal.
She was proud of being involved with Asylum Records
and the other artists that were there.
You know, we had Linda Ronstadt,
Jackson Browne, The Eagles,
The Byrds, John David Souther.
You know, they were all good.
We liked each other's songs, you know, like,
I loved Jackson's songs that he wrote,
and I loved JD's songs.
But everybody seemed to think that
Judee had something special.
♪ The next thing I knew ♪
♪ I came to and one song, it was carrying me ♪
♪ Soldier of the heart, how'd ya get so fine? ♪
♪ Soldier of the heart ♪
♪ I wish you were mine ♪
♪ Soldier of the heart, how'd ya get so true? ♪
♪ Soldier of the heart ♪
♪ I'm marching with you ♪
♪ The battlefield's so cold ♪
♪ Take my heart as a token ♪
♪ I'd love to give it you ♪
♪ Flames arise ♪
♪ From the sword in his hand ♪
♪ We'll march in over no-man's land ♪
♪ And burn the enemy's stolen throne ♪
♪ I'll carry your gun 'til it's done ♪
♪ And we can go rollin' back home ♪
So I thought I'd do this oldest one first.
This is about three years old, and it's called
"Enchanted Sky Machines."
It has all of my gospel licks that I learned
when I was the church organist in reform school.
That's the truth, I swear.
She came in, she was fully formed.
Country, church music, Bach fugues, blues.
I mean, I heard so many things in there
that you wouldn't think would work but did.
You can hear the country,
you can hear the roots, and you can hear
the kind of Pentecostal fire.
Baroque, did you put baroque in?
I didn't, but yeah.
Okay, occult, holy,
western, baroque, gospel.
Is your music rock and roll?
No. But I have some hot licks,
and I have some boogie licks.
And I have some, um, licks of the Pentecostal fury.
She kind of occupies a more cosmic space
and uses more jazz chords and interesting harmonies
and compositions and borrows from classical music.
Most of her musical training
came from a keyboard, playing Bach melodies
and playing church organ.
She has a sense of melody and of structure
that was really exceptional.
She played these really full, beautiful chords
with interesting voicings. And I was very interested
in what her thumb was doing
when she was playing the guitar
and the fingers of her left hand
when she was playing the piano.
There's always a sense
exactly where the bass is.
And she builds on top of the bass
the same way that the baroque composers did.
When I'm doing it good and everyone's listening,
and it's real quiet, God, what a thrill it is.
Oooh, magic webs are spun! Mm!
Thank you very much.
I was so shocked when I first saw it coming down.
After all this wishing, you know,
just indiscriminate wishing,
when it started to come around, it scared me.
I knew I had to get my act together.
So I started going real fast then.
♪ The sun was red ♪
♪ And the fires were roarin' ♪
♪ Stars aligned ♪
♪ And the webs were spun ♪
♪ I coulda sworn I heard ♪
♪ My spirit soarin' ♪
♪ Guess I'm always chasin' the sun ♪
♪ Hopin' we will soon be one ♪
♪ Until it turns around to me ♪
♪ Then I try to run ♪
You know, I made the album in eight days.
I wrote the parts in two weeks,
and then I went into the studio
and did the whole thing in eight days.
I didn't know what I was going to do.
These musicians came in, and I said,
"Okay, here's how it goes." And I said,
"I want to build it up, so for the first time
"do it playing, the second time do it,
♪ Da da da da da ♪
She knew exactly what she wanted.
If you didn't give it to her, she would very politely
tell you, "That's not the way I wish it,
and you will play it the way I want it."
We were recognized as producers,
but most of the work was done by Judee.
There wasn't much really we needed to do.
Just turn the machines on.
She worked with Henry Lewy,
that's an incredible find.
A wonderfully talented
engineer / producer who'd worked
with Joni Mitchell, was perfect
for someone like Judee.
He would say "Joni," and she'd say,
"No, no, no, it's Judee." You know?
He had confused her with Joni Mitchell.
And she was like, "Ooh," you know.
In the studio, you can imagine making
your first album, and then they come on the big speaker.
Anything sounds great, you know.
"I'll take it, I'll take it.
Glory, glory, in the vein, in the vein."
So to speak.
♪ Through the rose ♪
♪ In his hand ♪
♪ Flows blood ♪
Oh, thank you.
♪ Once I heard a serpent remark ♪
♪ If you try to evoke the spark ♪
♪ You can fly through the dark ♪
♪ With a red midnight raven ♪
♪ To rule the battleground ♪
♪ So I drew my sword and got ready ♪
♪ But the lamb ran away with the crown ♪
♪ So I drew my sword ♪
♪ And got ready ♪
♪ But the lamb ran away with the crown ♪
"The Lamb Ran Away with the Crown" is
a song that's pretty unpredictable
all the way through.
Starts off fairly traditionally,
but then there's all of a sudden
that big jump to the much higher note.
- ♪ Once a demon... ♪ - You know?
And you're like, "Where'd that come from?"
And then there's this-- this kind of,
almost like a seasick melody
where the "da-bom-bom-bom," where it's actually playing
almost against the beat...
♪ ...crested cardinals to guard my battleground ♪
♪ But I laughed so hard I cried ♪
♪ And the lamb ran away with the crown ♪
And now this astonishing ending.
She repeats it, and the angels come in,
♪ And the lamb ran away... ♪
And then all of a sudden you get this really gritty,
old New York rockin'-- ♪ Bah-buh-buh, buh-buh ♪
- ♪ But I laughed ♪ - ♪ But I laughed so hard ♪
- ♪ I cried ♪ - ♪ Laughed so hard ♪
- ♪ And the lamb... ♪ - And then
it's just a perfect little clockwork.
Perfect, a perfect record.
Why this was not a huge hit single
will always amaze me.
Thank you.
What's going to happen
when you do become a star?
Which all signs are... then what will you do?
Once I get my foot in the door, I'll go crazy.
I'll do everything I can, as fast as I can.
Who knows how high I'll go? I don't know.
But I'm putting it at the top right now.
That's how high I want to go, is the very top.
I told her if she wanted to have a success,
she needed to write something that would,
you know, get a lot of radio airplay.
And she was dating John David Souther
at that time.
Judee felt she and I occupied
some special territory that no one else occupied.
Were you in love with her?
Yeah, I think so.
But I was also in love with Linda.
And Linda sort of came before and after.
I didn't know that there had been anything
between them when I first took up with him.
But I think that that was a bit of a problem.
I think she was kind of angry at John David.
I happened to stumble across this real obscure
theological fact, and that is that Jesus was a cross maker.
And that really got me when I heard that,
I knew I had to write a song about it.
At the same time, I was having a...
real unhappy romance with this guy
who was a bandit and a heartbreaker.
So, one morning I woke up, and realized that
"he's a bandit and a heartbreaker"
rhymes with "but Jesus was a cross maker."
And I knew that even that wretched bastard
was not beyond redemption.
It's true, it's true, I swear.
She just showed up one morning,
knocked on the door, "I wanna play you something."
Came in and sat on the bed and looked me
right in the eye and played that.
She called me an "irredeemable bastard"
or something like that.
♪ One time I trusted a stranger ♪
♪ 'Cause I heard his sweet song ♪
♪ And it was gently enticin' me ♪
♪ Though there was somethin' wrong ♪
♪ But when I turned, he was gone ♪
♪ Blindin' me, his song remains ♪
♪ Remindin' me he's a bandit ♪
♪ And a heartbreaker ♪
♪ Oh, but Jesus was a cross maker ♪
- ♪ Sweet silver angel ♪ - I heard the song,
and it was very intriguing
because I thought it could be a hit.
It took very little producing on my part.
You know, she was great at overdubbing her voice.
She was great at singing live.
Oh, the voicings in "Jesus Was a Cross Maker,"
I love the bass line. If she had a song
that was gonna be a hit, it was that one.
She wanted to have success in a big, big way.
And with Graham producing it,
she was sure that was gonna be the one.
I suppose in some way I wish
I had been able to make it up to her,
I wish I had been a little bit less reckless
with her feelings. And yet it's,
as she said, she thought it was
the best song she'd written.
It saved me, this song.
It was writing this song or suicide.
♪ Fightin him, he lights a lamp ♪
♪ Invitin' him, he's a bandit ♪
♪ And a heartbreaker ♪
♪ Oh, but Jesus was a cross maker ♪
♪ Sweet silver angels over the sea ♪
♪ Please come down flyin' ♪
♪ Low for me ♪
♪ I hear the thunder come rumblin'♪
♪ The light never looked so dim ♪
♪ I see the junction get nearer ♪
♪ And danger is in the wind ♪
♪ And either road's ♪
♪ Lookin' grim ♪
♪ Blindin' me, his song remains ♪
♪ Remindin' me he's a bandit ♪
♪ And a heartbreaker ♪
Judee Sill opened for us, for me and Nash,
on a tour. That's how I got to know her.
She was thrilled to be on the road.
She was thrilled to be playing these clubs.
She was thrilled the people were loving her music.
I remember giving Judee an acoustic guitar.
I think one of hers had gone wonky at some point.
And we lent her one of ours for her show,
and she loved it. And so I gave it to her.
So what was written on the back?
"Live Life."
That sounds like Judee to me.
You talked about some low times.
Can you remember some times when you have had
- a good time? - Oh, yeah.
I'm having a pretty good time right now.
And my billboard being up makes me have a good time.
I go and look at it.
I rented a car and parked in a lot.
Just parked. That was great.
I couldn't help but remember it was
only two years earlier she was living in her car.
Now she's got a house and a pool out in the Valley!
And she's on a billboard on the Strip!
From rags to riches, definitely.
But she was still the same,
that was the beauty of it, you know.
They gave her a lot of money and advances.
And, of course, she liked to spend money, a lot.
Whether it was gifts for her friends
or people going out to dinner,
she always had a place to put it.
I don't want you to get the wrong impression.
I love to have fun. I love to drink tequila
and hoot out the window, real loud, over the balcony.
I wake up in the morning and go out and hoot.
I go "Ahooooo!" real loud,
and it echoes over the canyon.
I have a good time when people applaud.
I have a good time when they like me.
I have a good time when I get to sing real good,
when my voice sounds good.
It thrills me. It thrills me so much
I can't tell you. Ah, fulfilling my dreams.
You know?
"JUDEE": Album sold about 40,000 in the States,
which isn't bad.
They keep putting me on with rock bands,
which is appalling.
I come on, and there's 11,000
screaming groupies taking reds and red wine.
Please buy my albums so I won't have to open
for any more rock groups, because it's so terrible
opening for rock groups.
Especially when they're really young and real loud
and real snotty, too.
It's so humiliating for me.
Please buy my album.
There was a kind of an owl- like properness to her.
She'd look out over the crowd,
like an owl surveying. Ad she'd make judgments--
like the wise old owl.
She could attack like an owl, too.
That person who hissed can
either come up on the stage and do it, or leave.
Judee didn't play the game very well,
Judee was as rough around the edges as I am.
She was all pointy elbows.
You know, neither one of us could--
were very great at remembering people's names
and absolutely terrible at kissing ass.
She was absolutely
not going to minimize herself,
you know, for anybody else's comfort.
It upsets me to be number two.
To have to open the show for someone.
You know, I know it's just a silly thing.
I think it's my fanaticism
coming out in a mundane way,
- you know? - Yeah.
I get a little impatient sometimes,
with my progress.
I want to be better, you know.
They're always worried that my impatience
will blow it for me.
I'm horribly impatient.
She got the same shot that every other artist
on Asylum Records got, and of course
most of those people did succeed in a big way,
so, you know, if you're not selling
as much as you want to sell, or as much as
your other label mates are selling,
that doesn't feel that great.
But it certainly wasn't because
she got less of an effort.
Do you want to record again right away?
- No. - No? You wanna wait?
I wanna wait till I have the album,
then I'll record again, which won't be
for a while 'cause I only have about five songs, maybe.
And I go as fast as I can.
I swear, I work 24 hours a day,
thinking about it all the time.
But if I had to write two albums a year,
I'd have to write shit, and I don't wanna write shit.
If it takes five years to make my next album,
that's how long it's going to take.
They can rush me all they want,
but I'm not gonna rush God.
What an outrage, you know?
Sucking up to the Almighty.
I don't care about turning lead into gold,
but I do care about turning my lower animal natures
into the highest thing.
But I keep confirming my suspicion about that--
that the lower down you go to get your momentum,
from the higher up, it will propel you-- that's a fact.
I thought I would take a different approach
when I wrote this song, in that most of my songs,
I always try to write 'em that they will
make people feel better.
But I thought one day when I was real depressed
that-- you know, when you're real depressed
and you see everything comes to nothing-- well, I thought
maybe I'd better take a different approach
and write a song, instead of directed at people,
that would somehow musically induce God
into giving us all a break.
♪ I'll chase 'em to the bottom ♪
♪ Till I've finally caught 'em ♪
♪ Dreams fall deep ♪
So I put these "Kyrie Eleisons,"
which I found out means something to the effect of,
"God, give us a break."
And they say it in requiems when people die,
you know, so that their soul will be guarded
on the way on, you know.
There's a fugue in that song also,
and a sixteen-part round.
Also, while all those voices are saying,
♪ Da da-da-da-da da, da da da da ♪
The second person comes in with,
♪ Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
And then all throughout, they're going,
♪ Kyrie Elei... Kyrie Elei... ♪
you know, it goes...
Since that time, I've decided that I shouldn't get
any more breaks because I already squandered them
in weird places.
But I'd like to sing this song for you
and hope that you'll get a break. "The Donor."
♪ Kyrie, Kyrie ♪
♪ Chase em' to the bottom ♪
♪ Till I've finally caught 'em ♪
♪ Dreams fall deep ♪
♪ Where voices come a-chimin' ♪
♪ Moanin', and a-rhymin' ♪
♪ Warnin' me, their words are ♪
♪ Ringin' and a-whinin' ♪
♪ Hear 'em weep ♪
♪ Kyrie Eleison ♪
♪ Eleison, Eleison ♪
♪ Eleison ♪
♪ Kyrie Eleison ♪
She was literally crying out to God for mercy.
It's like a level of desperation and vulnerability
that totally transcends a lot of the real
personal songwriting that was going on at the time.
It's a completely spiritual plea.
I mean, what else is there like it in pop music?
I learned what not to do this time.
Not let anyone tell me what to do.
I'm throwing them all out of the studio
and taking a little conductor's wand
and rapping everyone's knuckles, get out.
That way I won't have to feel bad if I hear
something that someone put their own notes in.
You know, there'll be none of that.
She was conducting her own orchestra,
that's... that's pretty impressive.
You know? I don't know a lot of singer-songwriters
that were able to do that.
And she was listening to the playback
with a big, giant set of headphones on
that were too big for her, and her eyes closed,
with the baton she bought.
That was Judee, I mean, she had to have it, you know.
"If I'm gonna conduct, I'm gonna have
a fucking baton, okay?" Ha, ha, okay, dear.
She was growing and evolving
with her orchestrations, and the basic parts of them
that you can't teach were really good.
Her own talents blossomed in the studio.
She just was really gifted in that way.
So her second album was just remarkable.
"JUDEE": I'm here in the studio now.
Louie Shelton is putting on his guitar part on "Soldier."
It's good!
"The Donor" is dynamite.
Album cover looks good.
I still want to be the greatest songwriter
in the world because the aim gives me
something to strive for.
I'm happy if there's some hope
of reaching a high place.
I was working in Baskin Robbins
in Carbondale, Illinois,
so I must have been 15 years old.
"There's a Rugged Road" came on,
and I was pulled in immediately.
And then when the chorus came in
and those harmonies came in,
I'm like, "Who..." "...is this?"
♪ Roll on, roll on, roll on ♪
♪ Night birds are flyin' ♪
♪ Come on, the light is gone ♪
♪ Hope's slowly dyin' ♪
♪ Tell me how you come ridin' through ♪
♪ Still surveyin' the miles yet to run ♪
♪ On the long and lonely road to kingdom come ♪
Oh, yes, I've been wanting to do
this little song here that I just wrote
seven days ago, eight days ago,
and it's called "The Kiss."
And I can't decide if this is a romantic song
or a holy song, but whatever it is,
it stands for that brief communion
of a kiss, you know. Whether it's actually a kiss
or whether it's just a moment
that is locked in, you know, I don't know.
Uh... I hope you like it.
"The Kiss" was my introduction to Judee Sill,
and I thought, "I need to learn that song."
It's been very rare that
I've been moved in the moment, on the spot.
"I just want to feel this song in a deeper way."
There's just so much movement
in the song itself.
It goes through so many movements
like an opera, almost. Like the melody is
often the 9th or the 11th or the 13th,
and she'll modulate keys to the major third,
and then she's substituting chords all over the place.
It's amazing. It's another artifact
of her pursuit to try to remove the threshold
between the human experience
and some kind of universal force.
She used the term "kiss" a lot
in describing God's grace.
It's almost like a sensual experience with God.
It becomes slightly sexualized.
She kind of wanted the two things to merge,
you know, the love of two humans together
and the love between a spiritual god.
I had never heard a song about that.
It just felt like something that I could listen to
throughout my whole life and continuously uncover
more and more meaning, like, it just seemed
like a bottomless well.
Like a life-giving song, like medicine.
♪ Love... ♪
♪ Rising from the mists ♪
♪ Promise me ♪
♪ This and only this ♪
♪ Holy breath ♪
♪ Touching me ♪
♪ Like a windsong ♪
♪ Sweet communion ♪
♪ Of a kiss ♪
♪ Sun ♪
♪ Sifting through the grey ♪
♪ Enter it ♪
♪ Reach me with a ray ♪
♪ Silently swooping down ♪
♪ Just to show me ♪
♪ How to give my heart away ♪
♪ Once a crystal choir appeared ♪
♪ While I was sleeping and called my name ♪
♪ And when they came down ♪
♪ Nearer ♪
♪ Saying dying is done ♪
♪ Then a new song was sung ♪
♪ Until somewhere ♪
♪ We breathed as one ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪ She would crescendo things
with this double vocal--
♪ Sweet communion of a... ♪
There just wasn't
and won't be anybody that writes like that.
I've never heard anything that's made me go,
"Oh, that sounds like Judee Sill." Never.
♪ Lately sparkling hosts ♪
♪ Come fill my dreams ♪
♪ Descending on fiery beams ♪
♪ I've seen 'em ♪
♪ Come clear down ♪
♪ Where our poor bodies lay ♪
♪ Soothe us gently and say ♪
♪ Gonna wash ♪
♪ All our tears ♪
♪ Away ♪
♪ And still I hear their whisper? ♪
♪ Love ♪
♪ Rising from the mists ♪
♪ Promise me ♪
♪ This and only this ♪
♪ Holy breath touching me ♪
♪ Like a wind song ♪
♪ Sweet communion ♪
♪ Of a kiss ♪
When she made the second album,
she was thrilled.
She was sure it was going to give her
the kind of success that she so craved.
She thought, "This is really good stuff."
And it was really good stuff, and...
David Geffen knew it, and I knew it,
and a few other people knew it, and we thought,
"Yeah, that... should do well."
I... was wondering how it was going to do well,
'cause it was so not what anyone else was doing.
But it was just so damn good.
I always think something that's
really good is going to make it.
I've had a great time, people are
real nice over here.
The general public seems like
they're a little more sensitive
to the kind of music that I think of.
More than in the States, seems like.
In America, the young people,
when they go to hear a rock group,
seems like they are set on having the music
excite certain levels.
They don't wanna have any ethereal music, you know?
They wanna... boogie in the lower levels.
They don't want to boogie in the higher levels,
you know? It's hard to combine those two things.
Hmm.
♪ I'm tired of hangin' on ♪
♪ Waiting for a showdown ♪
♪ Don't you see, I gotta ride 'em out ♪
♪ 'Cause the pearl's just 'round the bend ♪
♪ Beautiful pearl ♪
♪ When will you reappear? ♪
♪ Mysteries unfurl and become so clear ♪
♪ When I feel you near ♪
♪ When my backyard weeds grew high, I hoped ♪
♪ That they would hide me ♪
♪ But I felt that the pearl was near ♪
♪ 'Cause I thought I saw it shine ♪
♪ I was lookin' all around ♪
♪ When I felt it there inside me ♪
♪ And I see a possibility ♪
♪ That it's been there all the time ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo... ♪
I never saw anything happen sales-wise.
Where The Eagles and Jackson Browne
kind of took off, and there was
very little promotional material
to work with on Judee.
I can only go in with so many albums
to promote to a producer at a time.
So basically a few of them got lost in the shuffle,
and unfortunately Judee got lost.
She was very disappointed
in the lack of response to her records.
Some of it has got to be the topic of the songs.
How many people were interested in songs
about a mystical Christ in 1972 and '73?
Coming from someone with that very strange voice
and strange combination of influences,
records that had all the Bach progressions,
with these big string charts
and sort of Sons of the Pioneers
steel guitar and...
you know, coconut shell hoof beats,
and... it's a real strange mélange of sound to put
on a singer-songwriter record.
That's not what was happening.
Jackson Browne was what was happening.
It wasn't in a category,
it wasn't in a niche, it was an original.
So, how to promote her,
I wouldn't have known how to promote her.
Somehow Joni Mitchell got through.
She had to deal with so much rejection,
being so different, being so singular
and not being as physically attractive.
And I think that being that singular
and that different but not looking beautiful,
in the '70s, was probably really hard.
It's the music business. So it's show biz.
And it was in the '70s in LA.
I'm sure there was a lot of pressure on her
to look a certain way and to maybe act a certain way
or be with certain people.
She's probably like "Hey, I'm doing something
"with all my heart here.
"These songs contain,
like, my truest essence. Are they not enough?"
When all that support is pulled,
and when you feel that, it's like, okay,
all this abandonment is happening again,
like, what am I worth?
I think she thought she was misunderstood.
At some point we all question any talent we've got
and think we suck.
I'm sure she went through plenty of that,
or she wouldn't be an artist.
Did she know how great she was?
Yeah, oh, yes!
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's part of the bitterness
was that she did know how great she was.
And to really not even get enough back
to barely be able to tour and make a living
was pretty tough for her to swallow.
That is more likely
what happened with David Geffen.
- It is. - In her mind,
it was easier to...
Think it was his fault.
She felt that David wasn't
giving her all the attention.
It was all going to Joni Mitchell
and to the rest of his people that were signed.
And so she was kind of getting
a little angry about that.
And I think she, um, kind of blew it.
She badmouthed Geffen on stage,
was the story I heard.
I don't know, I wasn't there.
I had heard she had made some remark
about David Geffen's pink shoes.
Judee told me she called him a fat fag.
On stage.
And all of a sudden,
she didn't have a deal anymore.
She couldn't believe it.
She went over to his house many times,
and he wouldn't answer the door.
And so she was very, very put down about that.
I can't imagine that Geffen would cut Judee
based on it not being a success.
That wasn't what that label was like in those days.
He didn't have much patience for people
if they were disloyal.
I have seen that side of Judee,
and I have seen that side of David.
You know, when you own a record company,
and somebody pisses you off...
it's your label.
Judee had a splendid gift.
She also was, unfortunately, vindictive.
And so when she perceived a slight,
she would go on the warpath,
as she did with David Geffen.
And she went to battle with him, and...
she lost.
The things that some people have said
about her calling you
a derogatory name on a stage...
that doesn't ring true?
I-- absolutely not.
I've also read
and heard people say that she camped out on your lawn
trying to apologize to you.
This is made-up stuff, it's just not true.
You know, she was dropped from the label
long after I was gone.
I didn't have a lawn, by the way.
All Judee ever got from me was acceptance...
support.
There is no way to explain these things.
The audience...
loves what the audience loves.
There wasn't anybody out to get her.
She just didn't deliver the goods that would have
resonated in that culture at that time.
It's a shame.
There are so many musicians
who are way more talented than I'll ever be.
And I often wonder, you know, "Why...
Why not them and why me?"
You know? I have a feeling that
the darker side of Judee's life was
what stopped her
going to whatever the next level was.
"JUDEE": I've been hanging out in the most decadent scene.
Cocaine, Percodan, grass to oblivion.
Last night, first two shows were great.
Then I was hanging out on a break
with Franken and Davis.
I'd given them codeine earlier.
We smoked some Colombian grass.
I was so bombed I blew the third show completely.
It was terrible, but funny after all.
I woke up this morning, knowing I should be alone.
You know when I'm really happy, don't you?
When I'm clearly and singularly feeling
the bond with God.
Let's get right again. I should practice.
I must write a new song as well.
New song, new view.
I think she genuinely wanted to be a better person.
She was interested in Rosicrucianism,
and she thought that that might be a path
to helping her.
I think she wanted to have the drugs
and be a good person, you know?
But it wasn't gonna work like that,
bless her heart.
The Church of the Heart,
that's not a bad church.
No price, you don't have to put any money
in the collection plate, you can go any time
you want, day or night.
She just had her own unique visions
of... of God and spirituality.
And they also were very tied up with sexuality.
So you sort of didn't know which was which.
The two were fused for her.
She was looking for salvation and a romantic union.
And I think that she was also seeking salvation
through God, and she had the two
kind of melded together in a way.
She had this image that appeared
in different guises in many of her songs.
This loner,
sort of unattainable person.
And there was not much of a boundary
between that being Jesus
and that being the man that she was after.
I had a sense that there was
a Svengali-like figure in her life,
giving her all the wrong advice.
But she was...
enraptured by it.
She says "Hey, I got a new boyfriend.
David Bearden, can I bring him over?"
And I said, "Sure, bring him over."
He played some harmonica. He was okay.
He was-- He was a decent person,
but he was, like, a-- you know, a different--
uh, just a different, um...
he was more like a... a cowboy.
"JUDEE": David has developed a new persona.
It's sensitive and fine, and it grabs me
and makes me helplessly surrender.
I had a sense of foreboding
because she seemed to have given up
her individuality
to his influence, to his presence.
"JUDEE": My consciousness has sure changed
since I've been with David.
Please, let me be worthy of David's love.
Please, please let us grow from this purging.
I have nothing to offer except my love for you.
What the fuck happened? My soul is in jeopardy.
David thinks I'm a cold killer.
I'm crazy and everything I think, I doubt.
Our love, what happened? He says he's coming back
tonight or tomorrow to make a stand with me
to show how much he loves me. Oh, thank the Lord.
It got better, and then crasho,
he dropped the big one again.
He called me a whore, swinger, hippie superstar.
I hit him in the face. I'm broken.
A wretched piece of filth.
I'm fucked. David pukes over my past.
Dust filled my mouth. David, could you please
come and take care of me, protect me from all harm?
I'm in such bad trouble. You've changed me so much.
Is there any hope for me?
Dear David, you're right,
I'm too hideous to love.
I see that I'm either the worst thing
that ever lived, or if I somehow get
through this, I'll be a saint.
I prayed most fervently to be allowed
to be punished for real and be cast into the flames.
Me, the black widow killer, who kills Christ,
is Satan, is the beast,
is all evil rolled into one.
Today, I looked into my eyes in the rearview mirror,
and I saw you looking at me.
I don't want anything but you.
I'm yours forever,
whether you want me or not.
Things could have really opened up for her...
but things went the way that they did.
Her injuries, of course, were catastrophic.
Well, those of you who don't know,
Judee Sill was scheduled to do this appearance tonight,
but a series of auto accidents
and her neck being in traction prevented her
from sitting up here and singing her lovely songs.
So she called me up and asked me
if I would do it. And I immediately agreed.
So, as a tribute to her and for her,
if we can all possibly say a little silent prayer,
'cause she's in a little pain.
And I'm gonna sing a song of hers
that's one of my favorites, called "The Vigilante."
And we'll start it now.
Oh, great, a "Vigilante" fan.
She got in the wreck in my car.
You know, I loaned her my Volkswagen Beetle
when I went on the road, and she got hit from the side,
and it reactivated an old back injury
which, uh...
put her back on pain pills again.
I know that the first accident was
an auto accident, and I've been told that
a boyfriend pushed her down the stairs.
The stairs involved David Bearden.
- How? - I think
he pushed her down the stairs drunk.
Since you're asking.
Because of her drug history
and her criminal record, they wouldn't give her
opiates, they wouldn't give her any serious
pain relief, she had to take aspirin and Tylenol.
And ironically she had to resort to...
much harder-core drugs to relieve the pain.
Every time she would be recuperated,
something would come up.
And when you're on those meds for so long,
it's very hard to get off of them.
"JUDEE": September 22nd, 1974.
I've been in the hospital for two weeks and two days.
I have five sprains, three in the sacrum area,
one between the wings, and one in the neck.
Also, most painful inflammation
around the six vertebrates and bottom six vertebrates.
Got a big shot of Demerol-- works okay.
I'm scared.
Doctor came in to hear my story,
how I got started on dope, my comeback:
"Courageous girl, with no family or friends,
"all alone, kicks habit,
is now top songwriter-singer of pop hymns."
Four months passed, painfully.
I'm in St. John's Hospital having my spine fused.
At 8:00 a.m., I had the Dilaudid
and morphine mixture and noticed my handwriting.
Second pain shot at 10:35.
That makes four hours and five minutes!
Now I'm utterly stoned.
Tonight, I took half a Quaalude,
half a Valium, two bombs,
one of their hospital sleepers, Dalmain,
and soon I'll get a pain shot,
do my nightly nod. Today I told the doc
I'd been an addict, he cut off my Demerol.
Taking supplemental Percs and Cods.
Help me to overcome, please.
Two bombs, 11:15, one bomb earlier.
Gotta stop this, I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Rick is coming over and also bringing
a liquid solution with appliance.
I hope this can be pulled off;
I don't want to be stuck empty-handed.
Thank you, dear God,
thank you dear Jesus and all helpers.
Until later, J.S.
She had gotten an operation,
and she was in a cast for a long time,
as I remember.
It went from here to here,
you know, it covered her torso.
And I would be one of the people
who would help her physically do things.
But she never seemed
like she was self-pitying
or maudlin in any way.
It just seemed like she had accepted
what was happening, and she was gonna
move through it.
You know, when people go through
as many things as Judee went through...
your survival mechanism is sorely tested,
over and over, you know?
And I think part of her technique for survival
was immersing herself in the music.
"JUDEE": Working on a new song,
"Dreams Come True."
Last night, I went to Linda Ronstadt's
recording session.
John David Souther was there
and was glad to see me.
He hugged me and kissed me.
A full circle has come around,
after all this time.
It hurts still, how sweet he was to me.
I cried so long.
She had her spine fused twice,
and they did a botched job.
But she still, you know, would pull out the guitar,
and we'd play some songs.
She was able to sit up and start functioning
and writing songs
and playing piano and guitar again.
So this session was called to demo,
these last eight songs.
When we did the "Dreams Come True" sessions,
all her friends got together, you know,
and she was very frail.
I mean, I had to carry her literally
into the studio.
But when she sat down at that piano,
I had never heard a better performance from her.
The power that she produced
kind of amazed all of us.
She just opened up like...
like she was brand new.
♪ We were lost almost ♪
♪ 2,000 years ♪
♪ Thinking someday ♪
♪ A sign might ♪
♪ Appear... ♪
♪ While love ♪
♪ Through the cloven sky ♪
♪ Peers ♪
♪ Over all we... ♪
♪ Do ♪
♪ Till dreams come ♪
♪ True ♪
She was just thrilled with it, you know.
And that was the main part, you know,
that she was so happy about it.
The fact that she had returned from her illness
and had come back with this strength.
I mean, it was a spiritual strength
that you felt from her.
At that point, we mixed those tapes down,
and we made the presentation not only to Asylum,
but to Clive Davis
and several other labels.
With no success.
I was in the lobby of Electra-Asylum.
This waif of a young woman came in the lobby doors.
And I said, "I've heard of you.
"I'm a big fan of The Hollies,
and you wrote 'Jesus Was a Cross Maker.'"
And she said, "What good did that do me?
"The label is dropping me.
I'm here to get my records from them."
It was just...
"I'm unhappy, I don't know what's next."
"JUDEE": July 11th, 1975.
I'm strung out on heroin.
I'm fucked after two operations,
the last one taking out six discs,
sawed the right side of sacrum,
pulverized it, molded with my spine.
Now I'm strung out again, but this time on dope.
Real dope. Scary.
Day after tomorrow, I leave for Seattle
to kick at Jim Bredouw's house.
I'm scared of this ordeal.
God help me, I'm in your hands.
I was an apprentice
recording engineer at a little studio
on Capitol Hill in Seattle.
And one night, I got it in my head
to just call information in Hollywood generically
and see if they had Judee's phone number.
And she hadn't had a record out
in a couple, three years, and I wanted to ask her why.
And I called information, they had her number.
So I called her on the phone, and she answered,
and I told her who I was, and she started to cry.
She came back on the phone, composed herself,
and said I was only the second person
who had ever called her cold
to tell her that they liked her music,
and that she was in kind of a bad place,
and it was good timing.
And then about six weeks later,
to my complete surprise, she called,
and she asked if she could come visit.
And I said, "Sure, I guess so."
She stayed with us for four days,
seemed to have the flu
and was in her pajamas the whole time.
We'd have dinner, she'd come out,
and we'd play a little music together,
and... we'd talk,
but in the most part, she was... in the bedroom,
which struck me as odd but... was okay with me.
I didn't know rock stars,
I thought maybe that's what they do.
He didn't even know what was going on.
And then at some point,
I think Russell went out and picked her up
and brought her home.
"JUDEE": It's now August 29th, 1975.
I kicked in Seattle, then got strung out again.
All is lost, beyond help.
Back into junkie-dom, heavily.
Is there any hope for me if I don't believe there is?
Only a minuscule part believes or remembers at all.
She was in constant pain,
all the time.
That will drain anybody out of any energies
going out looking for another deal,
or anything like that.
So, she just kind of let it go
and just started traveling around,
you know, when she could.
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ And the fires were roarin' ♪
♪ Stars aligned, and the webs were spun ♪
♪ I coulda sworn I heard ♪
♪ My spirit soarin' ♪
♪ Chasin' the sun ♪
♪ Hopin' we will soon be one ♪
♪ Until it turns around to me ♪
♪ Then I try to run ♪
It was hard to learn her songs
and sing them in her style,
unless you had the key to Judee Sill
and the way she phrased.
I hired her to play on the recording
that I made of "Jesus Was a Cross Maker,"
which I called "Bandit & a Heartbreaker."
I thought that was a really good song.
But poor Judee, unfortunately,
was way back into drugs by then,
and she just couldn't handle it
in the room, I was afraid she was gonna
fall off her chair and hurt herself.
Everybody else was embarrassed for her,
but we didn't know what to do,
and we couldn't do it without her, and...
so we finally went to another song.
It was horribly disappointing for us,
for the rest of us, and, you know, it's just sad.
We all knew what a talent she was.
So, moving right along here...
...would anyone like to say anything
that maybe would bring some comfort
to anyone listening out there that feels like
it's pretty desolate, and the desolation comes
crushing down on them in the early morning?
Ooh... waking up on a bummer.
Sometimes you can see a person in distress
and know that they've lost somebody they love
or failed in some way,
but with Judee, it was more ephemeral than that.
I mean, it was just...
...it was just something that
enveloped her...
and...
never went away.
This music was so great.
Why didn't that feed her? Why didn't that fulfill her?
"Heart Food," exactly what it is.
Why didn't that nourish her and keep her?
She struggles with the good and evil,
you know, it's in almost everything
that that she writes.
"I could have sworn I heard my spirit soaring,
"and I'm chasing the sun, hopin' we will soon be one,
then it turns around to me, and I try to run."
It's just always this dichotomy,
and I think it's what we all do.
It's not absolute,
we don't have absolute confidence,
we're not exactly sure what's good
and what's evil, really.
And... it's just beautiful, you know?
Uh, I think it's neat that
of all of these religions we're thinking about,
that we all agree on certain points like...
"one day all tears will be wiped away"
and, and...
that's my favorite one.
I tried a couple of times to contact her
because I had heard she wasn't doing that great.
And my friend, Russ Giguere, just insisted,
he just went to her house,
he got her address and went there, and...
I said, "How is she?"
And he goes, "It's dark there, you don't want to go.
"She doesn't want you to see her this way.
"She just doesn't go out.
"Curtains are drawn. It's dark in there.
And she is very much alone."
"JUDEE": October 18th, 1979.
Will I get high tonight?
We shall see.
You see, I am a drug addict,
a wrong-hearted, lost soul who has chosen
the wrong path, I beseech thy help,
for I am in the clutches of the beast, 666.
This is your last test,
and you really know it, don't you?
Write songs, don't run from pain.
Acute sensitivity means better chance to help others.
Do you ever feel like there's been
a terrible karmic mistake made somewhere,
and you were meant for a life not wholly consumed
by abject desolation? Now, can I write songs?
Remember the vision on the ceiling the other night?
Was it true, or did Satan send it?
Perfect Mary, have mercy on my wayward,
lost, sad soul.
I gotta figure out why it is
that I want to die. God help me,
if I don't, I'll go down bad.
Please, please, don't let me go down bad.
Stay with me, please, come on, please,
we're here in this together, aren't we?
Or am I alone?
I am a hopeless case.
♪ That even shadows come ♪
♪ And hum the requiem ♪
♪ Kyrie ♪
♪ Eleison ♪
A week before Thanksgiving,
Judy Taylor called me, and she was very worried
that Judee was maybe OD-ing, you know,
I was meditating on her and-- and what was going on.
And the next morning, Judy Taylor calls me and says,
"Oh, here's somebody wants to talk to you."
And Judee, she was just lively--
"Oh, yeah, yeah. I was-- I was on my way,
"and I saw the white light,
"and then I saw you behind me calling me back.
And so I came back!" It was so--
and she was so invigorating.
I mean, just so enlightened, she seemed.
And so we made a date to go out that following week.
And we went out, and she was just lively, full of life.
We had a great time. It's just like old times.
And then two days later, she was gone.
You know what they say, according to the--
some of these mystical texts,
you know, if you die in an accident
or violently or while you're under the influence
of an opiate, which is the worst, you know,
because an opiate is like the devil,
it's the beast, you know?
Then you will die improperly, and you'll have to wait.
What's... the worst part of that is, is that
it's boring, you'll be bored
for maybe 100 years, waiting.
That's what they say, you know.
To me, it was an accident.
Because that was Judee's style,
to take it to the very edge.
But this time she went over.
I went to her memorial service,
and this man said,
"I don't believe that your Aunt Judee
"committed suicide, and I don't want you
to believe that she committed suicide."
He said, "You know, she's a musical genius,
and please don't let her music die."
♪ The sun was red ♪
♪ And the fires were roarin' ♪
♪ Stars aligned, and the webs were spun ♪
♪ I coulda sworn I heard ♪
♪ My spirit soarin' ♪
♪ Guess I'm always chasin' the sun ♪
♪ Hopin' we will soon be one ♪
♪ Until it turns around to me ♪
♪ Then I try to run ♪
My big disappointment in her death was quite selfish.
I looked forward to growing old with her
because she was just so funny and so talented
and just such a wonderful person.
So, her death just took me completely by surprise
and just...
you know, left a big hole in my heart.
This was very difficult for me
to handle at that time.
And still even thinking about it is very difficult,
to think that she's gone.
You know, all through my life--
just the greatest friend.
I loved her. I loved her music.
I still enjoy it.
I listen to it once in a while.
You know, if Judee were here today,
I would hope that we would still be friends.
I'm still really good friends with JD.
I really did like her, you know.
Whether it was returned or not, I'll never know--
she was a mysterious person.
But I really cared for her a lot.
♪ And even now I wonder ♪
♪ Where I'm goin' ♪
♪ Ever since a long time ago ♪
♪ I've tried to let my feelings show ♪
♪ I'd like to think I'm bein' sincere ♪
♪ But I'll never know ♪
You have to be grateful for what you get in this life.
And... we got, uh...
we got a fair amount of Judee Sill.
♪ ...breath touchin' me ♪
♪ Like... ♪
I think she's much more popular now
than she was when she was alive.
And people are getting it now.
They seem to get it and appreciate it.
♪ ...communion of the kiss ♪
Thank you.
We're talking, you know, 50 years later,
and still young kids are listening to those records
and being like, "What is this?"
When work is as true as hers,
it will find people.
It may take time, but it will inevitably
find people.
I adapted this from the notes of the last song Judee wrote,
just a few weeks before she passed away, I believe.
And I'm still working on it. Like, it felt like it was
all there on the page, but it wasn't yet
organized into song form.
And... was this the guitar that she recorded with?
Wow.
It seems that she was so driven
to gift humanity with songs that had healing power.
I guess I feel a responsibility
to continue bringing those songs to the world.
'Cause it's all there, she's still alive in them,
and all that wisdom is still alive.
Anyone who needs to at any time can
listen to her music, and there's some articulation
for a feeling that is
so hard to articulate.
That feels like a gift that she gave.
Knowing all the things I know,
knowing the laws of karma,
that's the only way I'm going to get anything
is by doing something for somebody.
I want to do something that will improve humanity.
I want to do good.
I want to fight the good fight.
I want to inspire people and uplift them
without them knowing it.
That's what I want to do.
♪ So keep on moving ♪
♪ Or stay by my side ♪
♪ Either way ♪
♪ I'll tell you a secret ♪
♪ I've never revealed ♪
♪ However we are ♪
♪ Is okay ♪
Bye!
♪ If I told you some secrets ♪
♪ Would you say I'm unreal ♪
♪ I could easily love you ♪
♪ If you'd just let me feel ♪
♪ I can't play forever ♪
♪ The games I've outgrown ♪
♪ But just till enchanted sky machines ♪
♪ Take all the gentle home ♪
♪ Just needin' to touch you ♪
♪ Is so hard to restrain ♪
♪ Just waitin' for the time ♪
♪ Could maybe make me insane ♪
♪ My heart is so hungry ♪
♪ Livin' on patience alone ♪
♪ Please hurry, enchanted sky machines ♪
♪ Take all the gentle home ♪
♪ I believe the beginning ♪
♪ Won't be too far away ♪
♪ The power's gettin' stronger ♪
♪ I see signs every day ♪
♪ So I'll swallow my yearnin' ♪
♪ And won't let it be shown ♪
♪ Until the enchanted sky machines ♪
♪ Take all the gentle home ♪
♪ My desire is a rosebud ♪
♪ In the magic design ♪
♪ I can't wait to feel it bloom ♪
♪ They'll be landin' anytime ♪
♪ Then when the skeptics are wonderin'♪
♪ Where all the faithful have flown ♪
♪ We'll be on enchanted sky machines ♪
♪ The gentle are goin' home ♪
♪ We'll be on enchanted sky machines ♪
♪ The gentle are goin' home ♪
Ahh, excelsior, onward and upward.