Not a nice sensation, this, at all.
It's like your vibrator's got lost inside you to the left.
'Previously on The Real Housewives Of Cheshire...'
We've christened this part.
Mark and I have christened that part.
So it's all happy memories when I come in here.
That's lovely. Happy memories.
La, la, la, la, la.
Have you told them you're going yet?
I've not told anybody.
Who's gonna be the most shocked?
Rachel will take it the hardest.
Seema, you're very nice to people's faces,
but behind that veneer of a smile, are you really sincere?
There's something that I've been meaning to tell you all.
Oh, no.
I'm leaving Cheshire.
Aw!
This is another person that's leaving my life.
Oh, Rachel.
I'm a queen bee, and I've got a sting in my tail.
Cheshire's in my blood, but don't make it boil.
I'll pray for peace, but I'm ready for war.
I might be younger, but I wasn't born yesterday.
I don't have time for gossip. I'm too busy building an empire.
Cheshire's my playground, and I'll give you the ride of your life.
♪ I'm stealing the show
♪ Watch me work it in slow-mo
♪ Oh
♪ I'm stealing the show... ♪
Hi. Are you all right?
Could I order a black coffee, please?
Yeah, sure. Thank you.
♪ I'm stealing the show
♪ Take a seat in the front row... ♪
Here's your coffee, madame. Oh, thank you, Vanjie.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God, watch him. Oh, my God.
Come here. Come here.
THEY LAUGH Come on, come on, come here.
Oh, my God, that dog! Down. Down.
♪ Main character energy
♪ Might make a few enemies
♪ It's not my fault If you don't like it... ♪
Geeg?
Yeah? Gigi?
Look, my wig's arrived.
I'm, like, overstimulated just, like, watching you.
Oh, and your bras, too. So, no, I'm Madonna.
Nice!
Yeah, oh! Turn around, Mama.
THEY LAUGH
♪ I'm stealing the show
♪ Watch me work it in slow-mo... ♪
Sit. Good boy.
Oh, look at him. I'll help.
There you go.
You like the puppy? Yeah.
Yeah? Look at his little tail.
♪ I'm stealing the show. ♪
There we go.
Is that all right?
Good job.
Negotiation always works. SHE CHUCKLES
You are good with her.
Yeah. I feel like I'm learning as I go, though.
I've never been here before either. I've never done the Nana stage.
Sophia's getting married soon.
They've already had the religious part of the ceremony.
And then both Sophia and Saskia will be leaving home.
And Saski won't be crawling into my bed in the morning
for Nana cuddles, which is gonna be horrible.
I don't know how you did it five times.
I don't know how I did it five times, looking back.
I don't want to be the "poor me",
but Sophia's leaving, Seema's leaving.
I just... I just want some normality.
I mean, it's still a busy house, obviously,
and now... now I've got a puppy as well.
I can't believe Daddy dropped a puppy round
on Christmas Day for us.
How do you feel about that? SHE CHUCKLES
Not really what I needed.
I mean, he's very cute, don't get me wrong, and I did say,
"Do you all want to keep him?" It was a unanimous yes from you all.
Yeah. You know, it's caused a few issues in my relationship.
Nick and I are not currently together.
We've obviously had our ups and downs,
but this time, it feels very different.
I think he thinks that it was bought for me.
It's a bit ridiculous, though.
You and Daddy broke up years and years and years ago now.
It is very difficult trying to blend families.
Not in the sense of the children,
more circumstances of each household.
And Nick gets very frustrated with that.
But there's not much I can do with where I'm at at the moment.
I'm not gonna upset you lot because I've spoken to all of you,
and you all want the puppy to stay, and he's part of the family now.
But I don't know where that leaves Nick and I.
I just don't.
The dog's staying...
to the detriment of my relationship, sadly.
Look at him. Look at him!
Oh, he's like, "Are you talking about me?"
Everyone knows what I'm like with puppies,
but spaniel eyes...
I mean, spaniel eyes win me over.
♪ I woke up and walked out Into the heart of the city
♪ And I was feeling myself
♪ And thought I was Looking so pretty... ♪
Oh, hi!
Hello. Sorry. How we doing?
I've lost my voice again.
Oh! How are you?
Don't worry, I can do the talking for the both of us.
You look fantastic!
Oh, I'm trying. I love it. Is that an all-in-one?
No, it's actually a two-piece. Oh, it's beautiful.
It's Zimmermann, but I just wanted...
I'm trying to make the effort cos I feel horrendous.
Ah, well, you don't look horrendous anyway.
It's all the make-up, isn't it? Yeah.
What did you think of Mark?
Oh, my God, I am obsessed with your relationship.
Ah! I went back home with Amir, and I was like,
"We could do with a Mark in our relationship,
"with all the stuff we've got going on." Yeah.
And on top of all the issues that we have,
like, we are actually wanting to expand our family.
Whoo! So it's great, but also, it's like, it's not happened yet.
It's very common nowadays
that people are having kids later in life.
Like, the 30s is the new 20s.
However, I am feeling the pressure.
I'm turning 35...
I think I'm 35, yeah. Am I?
I don't know. '91, July.
2001, 2011...
'11, 2021...
'22, '23, '24, '25.
What are we in? '26? '26.
So am I 34? I don't know how old I am.
SHE LAUGHS
I'm around 35 years old,
and the reality is, I don't know how much longer I have left.
Yeah. I think, in a way, it's almost like a pressure cooker,
and all of a sudden, you just need to release that pressure. Yeah.
I do date night with David. We've got the dice.
So, your dice has, obviously, multiple faces. Yeah.
So, it'll be a different sexual position.
David's a bit outdated,
doesn't know what the positions are, so I have to show him.
Stop! I have to show him what the position says, right?
"You're gonna pick me up now."
He's like, "I don't think we can..." "We can, come on!"
Mental image! I need to rub that out of my head!
We all need a giggle, and we all need some bloody passion,
so we need to get between the sheets,
we need to remember the reasons why we fell in love
and start giving each other some loving and some playful sex.
It works wonders, Paige.
Oh! I'm so sorry, girlies.
You look gorgeous. Oh, how are you?
You look fabulous! Hello, you.
You look younger and younger every time I see you. Oh, thank you.
What have I missed?
Well, I've just found out that Ampika and Dave
have a sex life with a dice,
and they roll it for Karma Sutra, which is really fun.
Wait, just give me a second to actually arrive and breathe.
♪ I know I got it going Iconic head to toe
♪ And everybody know it
♪ Huh, everybody know it
♪ It's giving big boss energy
♪ Yeah, I got everything I need
♪ Now try my perfect recipe... ♪
SHE COUGHS
Hello! Mm!
Aw! I'm not getting too close.
Don't come too close, just stay there.
How are you? Oh, you sound terrible.
Do you know what?
I feel a little bit better today, I'm not gonna lie.
And I brought you chicken soup.
I'm gonna make it. Oh, my...
You're actually gonna make it me? Yeah!
I've never actually tasted her cooking before.
I hope she's bloody good.
I am a domestic goddess at heart.
I'm a really good cook, and whatever rhymes with that, I'm good at too.
Oh, my fucking filthy mouth.
My kids go mad.
Well, listen, Vanjie's in the kitchen, so she can help you.
Right. Oh, amazing.
Vanjie? Yeah?
This needs washing.
I love cooking. It's my therapy.
And just rinse those.
It's my relaxing time.
They just need rinsing.
I am definitely a feeder.
Like Nigella.
Oh, wow!
Look at you with your gloves. Oh, I know.
Lauren, I'm really impressed. Oh, it's so nice, this soup.
The secret is that you've got to leave the chicken
in the soup for between four and six hours.
What chicken soup are you making? I can make mine in about 45 minutes.
Don't know how I'm gonna get everything in this pan.
Yeah, will it all fit in? Yeah, I'll get it in, don't worry.
I feel like you need a bigger pan. I know, but you haven't got one.
So... I probably have.
Well, where?
Shall I go and ask Vanjie for a bigger pan?
Has she got one? I think we will, yeah.
Vanjie?!
Oh, brilliant!
Is that better? Yeah, much better.
I think I'm gonna have two.
Do you want Vanjie to wash all this for you?
Yeah, and she can wash the chicken.
If you just wipe here, Vanjie.
I do like your housekeeper, she's great.
I think with everything that's been going on,
having Lauren here right now is exactly what I needed.
Literally, I think I'm feeling so run down
cos all I've been doing is going back and forth to the hospital
cos Sandeep's dad's really not well.
Sandeep's in China. He's... Have you got any more eggs?
More eggs? Please tell me you've got... I just need two, yeah.
Yeah. One sec. I am listening.
Oh, I might be wrong in this, but... Oh, no, it's in there.
Oh, this is so Lauren.
She never listens, she's always in her own world.
There's no point!
And I need a little bit of oil. Eggs and oil. OK.
Please.
♪ I'm built tough, oh, yeah
♪ I'm the realest, I'm a vibe Guaranteed to blow your mind
♪ I'm built tough... ♪
Oh, I love your ring. Oh, thank you.
Oh, that's gorgeous. Right up my street.
Is it Cartier? It's Boucheron.
Boucheron.
They do a whole collection of animals. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're mad about your animals, aren't you?
Limited edition, so they've got a fox they've sold out,
so I was like, "Can you make me one bespoke?"
They're like, "Yeah, a quarter of a million quid."
I was like, "Oh, right, OK!" Beautiful.
250K? No, the fox one's 250K.
Oh. Yeah.
It's very pretty. This one's about 90 grand.
But, yeah, it's beautiful.
'It doesn't surprise me.'
Everything Ampika wears is probably a minimum spend of about 100K.
The other night with Seema, I've let something fester for seven years,
but I've not have that opportunity where I'm in close proximity
to say, "Actually, you really offended me seven years ago."
Right. "I thought that you and I were friends,
"so if you think that someone looks shit,
"with saggy tits and greasy hair..."
Oh, she said that? She said that?
That's really personal. Then that's what you think.
Good Lord. But then just own it,
and don't bother coming up to me, saying nice things to my face.
There's no revelations here. You're fake.
Seema's always a person - girl code, empowering women.
"I have a brand."
'You pick people up, you drop them off.'
You do your hi and byes.
It's all superficial nonsense
because that's the type of friendship that you give to people.
You know, it's all on a surface level.
I addressed it. Seema knew it was coming.
Oh, OK. So she was very, very apologetic,
backing down straightaway,
and I thought, "Do you know what? Tonight's not the night.
"I've said my bit. You've apologised." Mm.
Yeah. But it just made me wary.
I don't like slyness,
and the only reason why you're apologising is cos you got caught.
All right. Ooh, OK.
Are them balls OK to eat? Oh, shut up.
Look at that. Look at it. It looks like a... Yeah.
THEY LAUGH A little willy.
I feel like a weight's been lifted.
'I've told all the girls. It's finally happening.'
I'm going to Dubai.
No.
THEY LAUGH
And now I just want to have some fun, make some great memories,
and enjoy whatever time I've got left in Cheshire.
It's a big thing for me, this move.
It's massive.
I just want everyone to be happy for me. They are.
I'm gonna miss everyone, and that's why, look,
when I spoke to you all, that was the first thing I said, was thanks.
You've all got a special place in my heart.
I didn't plan that speech.
I could tell it wasn't planned. SHE LAUGHS
Oh, why? "I love you, Lauren. Everyone needs a Lauren.
"You're amazing.
"And Rach, you're just such a good friend, and I love you.
"And you, you've got OCD like me, and..."
Oh, to Sheena? Yeah.
I didn't. I said to Sheena... "I don't know you very well..."
No, no, no. I remember exactly, I said to Sheena,
"I haven't known you as long as I've known the other girls."
Sheena... SHE CHUCKLES
...I know we've not known each other that long,
but we are the OCD queens,
and if I've ever upset you, I'm sorry.
I was not being judgmental,
and I'm not, definitely not throwing shade at them.
It was... It was from the heart. It's the truth.
Saying that we don't really know each other was a bit bizarre.
OK, I haven't known her since she was at school. Yeah.
Like, I've not known her 20 years. Yeah.
But I've known her a good, solid, yeah, five years.
I don't know what her favourite drink is.
I don't know where she likes to go and eat or where she goes out. No.
Because we've never hung out,
other than within this friendship group. Yeah.
I've definitely, like, sat with you for ages
and had conversations and had laughs...
She knows you. ...and shared things.
I was always told that who Seema presents herself to be
is not who she is, but that wasn't my experience.
My experience was, gosh,
she's always been really, really lovely.
From you guys' experiences,
I don't know what she's saying behind my back!
I've no idea, and perhaps that's why she said,
"If I've ever upset you..."
Cos I was thinking, when have we ever had a falling out?
But now I'm kind of starting to see what people are talking about.
She isn't who she presents herself to be.
She'll say one thing
and then turn around and say something completely different.
'Coming up on The Real Housewives Of Cheshire...'
Oh, my God! Wow!
The queen has arrived! Hello.
All I want to do is just get back in this house,
and I want to be able to just get back to Cheshire.
Don't get upset, come here.
No, I'm sorry, I can't deal with the stress any more.
♪ Gonna be a star Buy a fancy car
♪ Buy a ticket to the top Heaven like a boss... ♪
KNOCK AT DOOR, DOG BARKS
Ooh!
Tupp... Tuppence heard you...
Oh! Eventually, you're here!
Hello!
Hello, and I'm here to stay. Hello!
Come on, Mark. Oh, this looks gorgeous!
Oh, I've come to see you.
This is amazing. Thank you.
This is beautiful.
Aw, Nick, I feel really emotional. Come on in, come on in.
How are you? All right? Oh!
Mwah! So glad you've got here at last.
Gosh, I've known Nick and Royston for 15, 16 years.
That's a long time. And we were thick as thieves.
Holidays, crazy parties, all-nighters.
You must have spent a fortune cos this is, like, sheer opulence.
It's stunning. We've spent every bit of our pension.
Oh! LAUGHTER
And unfortunately, like a lot of situations,
people get involved, stir the pot, and our friendship dissolved,
and it hit an all-time low.
What the fuck have you brought in the sewer rats for?
You're a vile, twisted individual.
I heard exactly what you said behind my back.
If I was you, I'd sit there a lot longer, cos you're gonna need
a lot of fucking make-up on your face to make you look a bit better.
At least my face moves. Ampika, you are a bitch.
I remember seeing Nick, not too long ago,
and he apologised, and I said,
"Apology taken. I'm not gonna hold a grudge.
"Let's get back together, and let's start making some happy memories,"
because we were genuinely really good friends.
You've even christened a picture of me.
Exactly, exactly. LAUGHTER
♪ Fire, I'm fire
♪ Baby, I'm lit... ♪
Oh! She's here! Oh, wow!
You look gorgeous. Oh, my God! Wow!
The queen has arrived! You look beautiful.
What the fuck? LAUGHTER
Look, we are twinning. We are twinning, darling.
We've got the 25... 25 inches. LYSTRA LAUGHS
Yes. Oh, but I don't have the boots, honey.
Matchy-matchy, I love it. Oh, my God, yes.
Five-and-a-half grand, these boots. Wow!
So I just said to Mark that if he plays horsey,
I can get on his back, and he can take me round the house.
You've got no chance.
Mark, is she still doing that? SHE LAUGHS
Definitely not. Definitely not.
We're standing here. Let's go sit down. Come on.
Have you guys been busy in this house?
LYSTRA LAUGHS Come on.
Have you been doing it on the sofas? LYSTRA LAUGHS
The wild, extrovert parties
that Nick and Royston must have had over the years, oof!
I wouldn't like to think about how sticky things have been.
When I look at Tuppence
I see the sweetest, most idyllic face,
and I think, "If that dog could talk..."
WHINES
♪ Thinking of you... ♪
'This house is very important to myself and Amir.
'It's the house we're building for Nora and our future family.'
We wanted to renovate it and make it spectacular,
but sadly, it's been hell.
The electrics, the plumbing -
you name it, we've been through it all.
What the hell's that?
Oh, my God, a crack. I didn't even see that.
Oh, for God's sake. That's another bloody issue.
We have to start writing a list down
cos we've got to find another builder ASAP.
Financially, we're paying out of our pocket to fix all the mistakes,
and it's just caused so many delays.
I'm at my end with it all.
All I wanna do is just get back in this house
and I wanna be able to just get back to Cheshire.
Yeah, don't get upset. Come here. No, I'm sorry.
I can't deal with the stress any more.
You know, like, we... I don't...
Listen, Nora needs you. Nora needs us.
You know... We can't take the stress.
Your health is already... No, I know, I'm ill.
You're ill... I know, but we're arguing as well.
I'm stressed as much as you're stressed.
I haven't got the headspace for it. I've got Nora full-time.
I know she's got nursery, but the reality is,
like, I'm running the business,
I've got a team of people who need me at work,
and I've got Nora in the evenings,
like, from four o'clock every single night, and the weekends.
Like, I haven't got anything in me
to deal with another set of contractors.
I think we need to take a deep breath...
Yeah, but it's easy to say that.
It's easy to say that, but then, just, like,
in the last 48 hours, our builders just packed up and left.
That doesn't help. We've done everything right,
and they've still then messed up the entire house.
Look, we just need to support each other and be there.
Obviously, I love you, and I wanna be there,
and I just wanna make sure that, you know, you're not stressed,
and it's just... Please.
You're gonna have to work double time at the chicken shops.
I'm sorry, like, you'll have to go to your work... Chicken shops?
I'm gonna get rid of all the chicken shops.
Selling my cars, chicken shops, everything.
Sell the chicken shops or have to work overtime,
cos I don't know how we're gonna be able to get through this.
We're selling everything. Your bags as well.
No, my bags cannot be sold.
♪ I'm coming Clear the way
♪ You're gonna... ♪
The last time I was here, I was on my all fours,
ass up in the air, tits out.
We were naked. You're kidding!
Have you had any complaints? No, we haven't had any complaints.
In fact, they all want a rerun. Oh, well. OK.
I play on that course. I played on the wrong day, obviously.
Well, not today, darling. I'm in my soft girl era.
Have you got anyone in your life at the moment? Have you met anybody?
Just my vibrator, darling. Just my vibrator.
Yeah, a lot less trouble, aren't they? A lot less trouble.
Mark's met someone.
Mark? Yes.
And how old is she, Mark?
In her 40s. Oh, nice.
Mark has definitely changed since we were married.
I think he's kind of, like, taken on more of a girlfriend role.
He's, like, very much one of the girls, I'd say,
whereas when I was married to him, he was very much the alpha male.
But I think I would drown out the alpha male in any man,
to be honest.
I'm very open in my life.
I discuss everything with you, probably too much.
Yeah. But when you meet someone, I feel like you're frightened
to introduce them to me, and it gives me a bit of a complex.
Er, yeah. Well, I mean... I mean, Ampika...
Does she know about Ampika? Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, who wouldn't know about Ampika? I'm very, very...
honest and open about everything. Yeah.
Ampika is a big personality to meet, isn't she? Do you know what I mean?
So he'd have to be sure that she was the one for him,
and also whether she'd cope with meeting Ampika.
NICK LAUGHS Pass the test.
We've always said about being honest.
Yeah, yeah. I've thought to myself for quite some time now,
you're not looking as sharp and as fresh as you used to,
so I said to Mark that I'm gonna treat him to a neck and face-lift.
Will you do it? Would you have it? Yeah.
I've got loads of lines because, as I say,
I used to be 20 stone, so when I've lost all the weight,
I've got a lot of loose skin on my face.
You look at Ampika now. OK, let's have a look.
And you see the difference, just by pulling his face up,
pulling his neck back. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow!
Doesn't that...? Yeah, literally, you look virginal, Mark.
LAUGHTER Oh, wow!
You look like... You look like you've never been touched, yeah.
That turkey neck just doesn't suit you.
It's the turkey neck that's the killer.
Yeah, the turkey neck is just very...
Honestly, you will love it, Mark. Just get it done.
I've had lens replacement. Lenses? OK.
I've had two hair transplants. Yeah.
New teeth. Ooh!
Lower face-lift, neck lift. LAUGHS
I had buttock implants, and that was a really, really big mistake.
Oh, you had them? I've had them removed.
My bum looked so good for the first two thirds,
and all of a sudden, it was like going off a ski slope.
It just went in.
Do you remember when I was bending over?
"Mark, what do I look like from that angle?" He went, "Ooh, no."
LAUGHTER
'Coming up, on...'
I just can't get over the sh...
PAIGE LAUGHS
You've just said to me our relationship is just surface level.
Yeah, because that's how it feels!
RACHEL SPLUTTERS
Oh! Oh, are you...? RACHEL COUGHS
Are you OK? Oh, my gosh, have you been murdered?
SCREAMING Oh, my God! Oh!
♪ Oh, na-na-na-na
♪ Whoa, whoa
♪ Oh, na-na-na-na This my time to shine... ♪
Hi.
Oh, check you out with those shoulder pads!
Hello, hello!
I'm in the '80s vibe. Mwah. I know!
You OK? Before we've even started the party. I'm good, how are you?
Really good. Really good. Oh, good.
What have I said about you? Oh, freaking get your grandmas
on fucking Instagram, you fucking grandma.
I've never been so drained by someone in my life.
You're exhausting to listen to, to be around. It's all about you.
Myself and Rachel have not had the best few years.
Paige's and I's relationship,
up to this point, has been very turbulent.
Every time we've tried to get to know each other,
we've always fallen out or had some drama happen.
I don't want that.
I'm looking for peace in all aspects of my life
and I'm really hoping we can have a friendship.
I'm loving this look.
Are you? Yeah!
What's the inspiration behind it? The '80s night.
I am organising the most spectacular event.
It's an '80s diva murder mystery night.
Think Dynasty. Big hair, glamour, shoulder pads.
And at the end of the night, someone's gonna get murdered.
I just can't get over the sh...
PAIGE LAUGHS
It's so funny. I thought it'd be a talking point.
It is a talking point, it is.
It's broken the ice, that's for sure.
I don't think the ice needed breaking, though.
No, it doesn't. I'm only joking. Yeah, yeah.
We're good. I'm actually happy.
It feels refreshing, it feels great.
I don't like going out knowing that there's a problem with someone,
because it's not a nice feeling. It's not nice.
You don't know how the night's gonna go,
if you're gonna have a good time. Yeah.
People wish you luck on your way out the door,
and that's not what you want.
It's sad that myself and Rachel
have never really had the opportunity
to get to know each other.
Thank you. Thank you.
She's always just been defending her friends,
and I've been trying to defend myself.
We've never really had the time to really just sit and speak.
So, you told me that your daughter's getting married.
She's already got religiously married.
Oh, she has? So it happened? Yeah, she did that last week.
It was really important for him to do it as soon as possible. OK.
Sophia met her fiance about two years ago. He's a footballer.
He plays for a team in Cyprus at the moment, and he's Muslim,
so it's really important for him that they have a religious ceremony
before they even think about living together.
From my experience, having the Nikah, which is what they had,
it's the Islamic ceremony for the wedding, is incredible.
They are married in God's eyes.
Especially if you are religious, it means a lot. Yes.
It was very important for myself and Amir to have our Nikah,
which is our Islamic wedding.
We did it in the Natural History Museum,
we had an imam come and read all the scriptures
and all the verses that were needed to marry us under the eyes of God,
but also, we had our English wedding.
So I walked down the aisle in a white dress,
and we combined both cultures together, and it was beautiful.
Are they living abroad now, or in the UK? He's abroad.
Are you worried that she might make the move and move full-time?
I know she's gonna make the move. You know? Oh!
I've woken up with Saski's face every morning. "Morning, Nana!"
And then down a phone on a FaceTime, it'll be a bit like...
I feel the same with my parents. They live in Gloucestershire.
They live through the iPhone. We're constantly on FaceTime.
It's not exactly the same when you can jump in a car
and just drive and see them,
as opposed to it being a whole plane ride away.
I have got the most amazing house that is the perfect location
for a murder mystery night.
Everything's looking fantastic.
It's going to be so much fun.
As long as nobody does actually murder someone.
Hi, John. Hey, Rachel.
You look absolutely wonderful. Oh, thank you.
John has helped me plan the murder mystery event.
You look fabulous. I cannot wait for tonight.
You're gonna be wonderful.
But I've got no idea where his accent is from,
and what is going on with that wig?
Oh, darling! Is that Krystle Carrington?
Oh, hello, darling. Oh, hey, you look amazing!
You look wonderful. Oh, of course I do, darling.
Wow! And what are you wearing? What's one got on?
Straight from the runway. Yeah, so last season.
I am actually gonna be...
the biggest bitch ever in history.
Here we go. OK, yes, just move out of the way.
And I'm really excited
because I'm not a bitch in real life.
If you think that someone looks shit,
with saggy tits and greasy hair and...
She said that? Wow, that's really personal.
I'm just "nice Seema".
Do you know what, Lauren?
I thought you'd have made an effort and got dressed up today.
What do you mean?
To look like a better version of yourself.
A better version? Yeah!
Oh, my goodness. Do you know who I am?
Madonna. So, obviously, I've cracked it, then.
When has Madonna ever looked like that?
You look like a smackhead who's been hanging around
the streets of New York in the 1970s.
It's a dreadful look,
and it's ever so unattractive, Lauren.
What have you come as, baby? I've come as myself.
I'm a 1981 baby, so I've got...
Would you wear that in real life, though?
Yeah, I would.
Really? Yeah.
It's Versace. It pops. I'd maybe sleep in it.
Do you think it's a bit pyjama-ish? A bit.
Cheers! Cheers.
So, I had a FaceTime with Paige. OK.
And Paige has told me that Sheena felt
like I was throwing a bit of shade.
Sheena was obviously not too impressed about the comment
"we've not really known each other that long".
That was a bit of a shady-ish kind of comment.
Do you know what? It wasn't meant like that.
It was not meant like that.
I just meant, like, I don't know her as well as I know the other girls.
They just want to knock me down.
I don't understand why -
you've said, "I'm gonna be leaving soon" -
why people are kind of then trying to take issue.
Listen, it might not be a big thing to some of the girls...
It's a big thing to me.
And to me. Yeah.
And I do not want any drama,
but I feel like they just... all the time.
Yeah. "Seema said this, Seema did that."
I think what's going on between Seema and Sheena
has got blown out of proportion.
'I'm really protective of Seema.
'I know she didn't mean anything malicious.'
She's leaving in a couple of weeks.
I want to make the most and give her the best memories
of the time that she's here.
Oh, gosh, darlings!
SEEMA CACKLES Stop it!
Hey! Oh, my God, look at...
Oh, my God, you look like a hooker.
THEY SQUEAL
You look fabulous!
Hello, darling. You OK? Oh, wow!
You look like you're going to look when you're older.
I look like my auntie.
Oh, darlings!
Look at you two! Darlings, darlings, darlings!
You look brilliant! You OK?
Alexis. Hello, darling.
My nemesis. SEEMA SPLUTTERS
You OK? You all right? How are you?
I'm not stressed about seeing Sheena tonight
because all I want to do is nip this in the bud.
Let's have a conversation, let's correct everything,
let's move forward, and let's have some fun.
Aw, it's so fucking itchy, this.
Ooh! My God. You OK?
God, I hate gravel.
Careful. Come on, Cher-mina.
Oh, my God, my sequins have stuck together.
SEEMA LAUGHS Yoo-hoo!
ALL CHEER
Oh, my God. Cher. Cher! Oh, wow!
That is brilliant!
Nermina actually has got a body to die for.
'She could look good in a paper bag. That outfit looks great.'
In fact, I might get where she's got it from.
I want to look like that.
Cheers, girls! Cheers!
Here's to some dodgy wigs!
There's some dodgy wigs in Cheshire today.
Why have you not got dressed up?
Oh, you can fuck off. LAUGHTER
This is like a real horror movie kind of place.
Yeah, isn't the location great?
Especially when you look in that direction.
Do you know, I have to say, you can give it me all tonight,
and I will take it, but expect it back, bitch.
'How old are you, Sheena?'
I shouldn't even ask. 47. Oh, you're so young.
I'm getting on, me. You look amazing.
Right, I'm just gonna go over to... Yeah, I'm an old lady now.
Well, you're not, but you look a lot younger than in your 40s.
Thank you. That's very kind. Thank you very much.
Oh, Sheena, now I've got you. Yeah?
Are you upset with me?
Oh, Sheena, now I've got you. Yeah?
Are you upset with me?
I had a FaceTime with Paige. Oh, yeah?
And she said, "Ooh, you were throwing shade."
I was not being judgmental one bit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Right? And... If I just say...
Can I just finish?
You don't call me, I don't call you. I'm just as bad.
But we don't have that. Mm.
But that's not meaning it's negative. Mm.
You're great.
But I don't know a lot about you because we've never had one-to-one.
I mean, you're saying we haven't spent a lot of time,
but to me, we've been away on trips.
We have, but I mean... We've spent time together.
I'm trying my best to stay polite and be nice,
but it's really frustrating
when somebody is constantly speaking over you.
I've had really lovely conversations with you.
No, we have, but we've never had that one-to-one.
I think we've had... We don't.
Can I talk now?
Can I just jump in here? No, no...
No, no, please don't jump in, because I let you speak,
but I've not been allowed to... Yeah, go on.
I've not been allowed to finish. Let her speak.
I thought our relationship was a little bit more than surface,
and it felt like what you were saying
was that we really only had a surface-level relationship.
Well, it wasn't. And... OK, great.
Now we're having this conversation - great.
It is not... In my head, I was like,
"Gosh, I think we have quite a lot in common."
We're surface level, and that's all we've got in common.
You know what? It's tricky. Like...
Nermina.
I mean... what the hell?
It just felt that way at the time. It was very overwhelming time.
Can I just say something?
She is there, constantly talking, constantly speaking over me.
It's not like she had a written speech.
You didn't have a written speech, did you?
It came from the heart. It wasn't written.
It was coming from the heart.
It was at the moment. You were upset.
Why is she even in our conversation?
Right now... And I think all of that...
I feel like I'm not being listened to right now.
I feel like you're speaking over me and for me,
and that's not what I want.
I am not speaking for anyone. I'm just want to talk to you.
I would never only stick up for Seema, even if she's wrong.
I genuinely don't think she was wrong in this situation,
and I just think Sheena is picking on her a little bit.
I'm gonna leave this conversation
cos I feel like I can't say anything anyway.
Yeah, I think you should, yeah. Sorry?
I think you should leave. I will decide that for myself.
Because I'm talking to Seema, and you're constantly butting in.
I'm here. I'm allowed to say...
Oh, girls, come on. No, it's my fucking opinion.
Yeah, but nobody asked, so... No.
Well, I don't care if you asked or not.
I just feel like you're being very fucking sensitive.
This girl is fucking leaving the country.
I'm the least sensitive person in this room.
She's leaving the fucking country.
Why are you shouting? Because you told me just to leave.
Cos you said you're going to leave.
You don't have to rub it in. Girls, leave it.
Leave it, leave it, leave it!
Leave it. Fucking you should leave.
Do your thing. Leave it! I am fucking not leaving.
Do your thing. No.
'Nermina's more like Alexis Carrington.'
She ain't taking no shit off anybody.
Ladies? Ladies, are we OK?
Come on. I'm not fucking leaving, Seema.
I'm gonna stay here. If she's gonna be this fucking stubborn -
I haven't said anything wrong -
and be like, "You fucking leave," cos I'm not wanted here...
I didn't say "You fucking leave". Well, you did say to leave.
There's a whole night planned, and it's gonna be really fun.
The point I was making is, you said you were gonna go
cos you didn't feel nobody's listening to you.
And you said... I think you should
cos it's a conversation between us. It's the tone, the way you say it.
Nermina was sat here as well,
getting involved in the conversation.
Hey, guys. How you doing? First off, you all look amazing.
Oh, my God! Can we have some attention, please?
Well, thank God. Now, hopefully, we can get this night back on track.
OK, ladies! So... this, of course, is New York, OK?
And we are at a private members' club.
We're here this evening to be at the wake
for poor Phil Colons.
Phil Colons, God rest his soul.
The famous record producer,
part-time drummer and daddy to Kylie.
Where's Kylie?
I was Phil's only child.
I'd come back from Oz when I'd heard that Daddy had died.
Personally, I knew nothing about his death when I received the fax,
and these rumours of a feud are rubbish.
Colons' death was probably just go... just Mother Nature.
Is this it?
I came here to try and contact the ghoul...
It would be awful to think, Kylie,
that your father was gonna change his will to cut you out...
Look how strange you are.
And all that I did.
And I saw something spooky down there, that lane.
SNORES
I feel like this is a bad case
of watching your fucking kids do bad acting classes.
It is like watching your kids.
I don't believe anyone's thoroughly enjoying themselves.
I am Vivienne Untoward.
And I was so shocked about what happened to Phil.
I would say my acting skills are OK.
I tried cheering him up.
The only thing that cheered him up was seeing a pretty woman
walking down the street. LAUGHTER
There was this one time... CHUCKLES
...we did Romeo And Juliet, and I played Juliet.
To Phil Colons! To Phil Colons!
RACHEL GULPS, CHOKES Oh. Are you...?
Are you OK? Oh, my God, she's been murdered.
SCREAMING Oh, my God! Oh!
Oh, my God! SEEMA CACKLES
What the...?! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Listen, guys.
I should've died.
Then I didn't need to play this stupid game,
and I could've lay there.
This is most bizarre, but the death may have had
something to do with Vivienne's drink, do you think?
It's behind you. Maybe try it.
LAUGHTER I'm dead!
So, how do you think that Vivienne actually died?
I think she's been using her vibrator too much.
LAUGHS
Ampika's zoned out. LAUGHTER
She's not with us any more. She's disassociated.
OK, can I have a little drum roll, please?
We're gonna tell you who the killer was.
It was... Bonnie.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Bonnie!
No. I knew it was you.
I want a retrial. Did you kill me? No.
You bitch.
Did you enjoy that? Ampika, did you enjoy that?
It was an experience. One that I don't want to relive again.
I don't know why I thought it would be more going room to room.
I was clueless. What are we doing? Yeah!
Going to a room? Is somebody getting killed? Do we get a clue?
Thank God all that is done
because that, Rachel... that was one of your worst.
Sheena, what happened?
I walked in, it was like fireworks. Oh, my God.
I was trying to just have a convo with Seema.
She had heard that I was upset with her. Yeah.
You were supposed to look after me. I will, honey.
Go on, then. I wasn't there.
Nermina was constantly talking, butting in,
saying Seema didn't mean it like that
and saying from her perspective.
Do I just go over and say, what is the problem?
Don't trip on your dress. You look stunning.
I just wanted to get across my feelings,
and then I just felt I wasn't being heard.
So, yes, I snapped. 100%, I snapped.
Hello! Hello, erm, Alexis.
AWKWARD LAUGHTER
I have to be honest, I'm over there and I can hear.
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. So I just wanna come over.
And I feel that you know me enough
to know that I was not being negative.
One minute, you're telling Sheena that you don't really know her.
Next minute, you're saying you do really know her.
What is it, Seema? I'm lost.
Are you friends, or are you not friends?
I don't think necessarily that you were being negative either.
Paige said I threw shade.
"Sheena feels you threw shade." But those weren't my words.
Instead of getting it from other people...
Well, that's what we need to do from the beginning.
Yeah, so... Yes, so... That's what I'm saying to you.
From the beginning. You could have rang me the next day
and said, "Sim, I felt this way." Course you can.
Yeah... Am I not approachable?
For the love of God, let me speak!
I'm just trying to talk, and I'm not being allowed to.
I just thought our friendship was more than surface level,
so what you said...
I never meant it as surface level, though, Sheena.
...made me think, made me feel... I never.
...that what you were saying was that,
out of the five years we've known each other -
which is a long time to know someone...
It's half a decade. It's not 20 years.
It is, but we've not spent any time, real time.
We HAVE spent time together.
Five years of girlie holidays, weekends away,
birthdays, weddings, anniversaries,
and you're just minimising it to "you hardly know each other".
That is really, really low, Seema.
Is it bad to tell somebody you're not as close?
It's a little bit awkward, but Seema's gone and done it.
So it is what it is.
I just think we had an understanding that that was our friendship.
So it was a surface-level friendship?
Is that what you mean? I... I feel that's what it's been.
You've never called me. A surface level? Are you joking?
Er, what's that? Chicken.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
I called you to meet up. Where?
I called you to go out, but you cancelled every time. Where?
Oh! Sheena! Sim! But you don't remember that?
Are you actually gonna go there? You don't remember?
I've been on my phone,
and I've checked every conversation from 2021,
and literally, every year, we say about two things.
Sorry while I scroll through all our messages together.
Where have you invited me?
I'm literally going through my phone.
I've invited you to events.
7th of January.
"Happy New Year, doll." This is me.
"Hope you and the family are all well.
"Let me know if you're free to meet up for lunch."
She said, "I'm back now. Let me know when's good to catch up."
I've invited her to all the events I've ever done.
Where is your invite?
I said, "All good here, thank you.
"I'm around next week if you're about."
28th of January. Heard nothing back.
On the 31st of January, I text her.
"Hi, hun. We still having lunch tomorrow?"
I don't get what's going on.
I don't know what I've done to Sheena
for her to feel so much hate towards me.
I've lived in Cheshire so many years. Everyone knows Seema.
I've got a big heart.
I'm not saying you don't have a big heart.
And if you feel that,
I feel really bad that you feel that.
I think I'm gonna leave it at that. OK.
That upsets me. Well, I don't know what to say.
That's the reality of the situation. How is that the reality?
You've never called me, anywhere. Because, Seema, you are saying...
You've just said to me our relationship is just surface level.
Yeah, because that's how it feels. OK. All right, fine.
Now I know that, I'll put you in the surface-level box.
We'll leave it there. We'll just leave it there.
You have never rung me to say, "Do you wanna come for dinner?"
Where are you going? So... So I've never rang you?
OK. All right, then. You haven't. OK.
PHONE CHIMES 'Hi, Sheena. Erm...
'Do you know what? It's probably gonna work out better...
'Sorry for messing you around. I feel awful.
'..if we skip today,
'and then we can just put in a date next week
'where I'm not rushing around.
'I am just flapping a bit.'
I've been in here long enough in a friendship group... Sim.
I'm not surface level. Sim, Sim, Sim. Listen.
No, I'm going home. I get it, but calm down.
How can she say? Just calm down.
I'm looking at the whites of Sheena's eyes,
and I can see she's telling the truth.
She has reached out to Seema.
But what does Seema do?
Quite conveniently, wells up, waterworks, we go home.
Like Seema said, they're not that close.
So she's actually just proving the point
that they're not that close,
because you wouldn't speak to a friend like that.
I'm done. I'm going home. I'm going home. This is stupid.
I'm the one here that's getting accused,
so I don't know what you're raising your voice for.
Honestly, I feel like I'VE just been killed off.
I think she was trying to say that she doesn't know you that well.
My point is, that's very... After five years?
It doesn't matter, the length of time.
It does matter. No, that would upset me. No, it...
It's very belittling.
They are diminishing the memories I have.
They don't matter.
Those things that we've done together
and laughed about mean nothing.
They don't matter, and I think that's the thing that's frustrating.
I'm not being listened to.
So if nobody's gonna listen,
then just let her be upset, then, innit?
Cos she doesn't wanna hear what I've got to say.
Next time on...
I don't travel light, do I? I travel expensive.
Lauren's been saying that Nermina's a gegg.
I don't know what a gegg is! It's like a gegg.
Please can you tell me what a gegg is?
CORK POPS Ooh!
Brilliant! That's so cool!
And I think she took that probably
with a bit of offence, and I said to her...
No, it was meant in offence, so she took it in the right context.
TANYA RETCHES
Oh... eurgh! Alpaca shit!
I carry everything, you know,
and it's a lot of stress.
Oliver turned 21 last week, and...
Oh, I'm... No, go on. Let it out.
That felt a little bit judgmental, you know?
Oh, my God! I never fucking judge anyone!
The word "beg" is not nice. I shouldn't have said it.
I'm trying to get back out there, build my business up,
be around girls and me being here... And I said well done to Seema.
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