What have I missed? Yes.
Ampika and Daves have a sex life with a dice,
and they roll it for Kama Sutra. THEY LAUGH
Wait, just give me a second to actually arrive and breathe.
'Previously on The Real Housewives Of Cheshire...'
Your dice has, obviously, multiple faces. Yeah.
So, it'll be a different sexual position.
David is a bit outdated,
doesn't know what the positions are, so I have to show him.
I'm not BLEEP leaving soon. I'm gonna stay here.
If she's gonna be so BLEEP stubborn to me,
I haven't said anything wrong,
and yet you BLEEP cos I'm not wanted here.
I didn't say, "You BLEEP leave." I didn't say that.
Well, you did say to leave. I didn't.
Oh! Oh, are you...? Oh!
Are you OK? Oh, my God!
Oh, my gosh, have you been murdered? Oh, my God! Oh!
Oh, my God! I called you to meet up.
Where? I called you to go out, but you cancelled every time.
Literally, every year, we say about two things.
Sorry, while I scroll through all our messages together.
I'm not surface level. Sim, Sim, listen.
No, we're going home. No, I get it.
But just calm down, calm down. How can she say...?
I'm a queen bee, and I've got a sting in my tail.
Cheshire's in my blood, but don't make it boil.
I'll pray for peace, but I'm ready for war.
I might be younger, but I wasn't born yesterday.
I don't have time for gossip. I'm too busy building an empire.
Cheshire's my playground, and I'll give you the ride of your life.
So, Rach, you are very country-fied, and I'm loving that look.
Gorgeous. I'm actually gutted cos I've got the same hat,
and I've not brought it.
Hello, ladies!
Ah!
She's country too! Look at that!
I don't travel light, do I? I travel expensive.
The whole point of this retreat is to bring us all together.
No more divide, no more upset, no more tears, no more sadness.
Just bring everyone together and feel the love.
Someone else is joining us.
Nermina! Ah! There she is!
See, I don't travel that light, you know? No, you don't.
I'm really happy for Nermina to be on our trip.
I am welcoming to all.
It's just that everybody needs to remember to mind their own business.
So, are we all excited, ladies? Yes, we are. Yes.
This is going to transform each and every one of your lives.
Could you imagine Lauren as a bus driver? Hey, Lozza!
To be fair, I actually could. I could see it.
No, she'd be so rude to everyone.
"Sorry, I'm not stopping, sorry, bye!" Yeah.
"I've got somewhere to go." "I'm bored now."
I've got lots of activities, so I hope you ladies are not bored.
Yeah, you're morphing into me! Yes! We're morphing into each other.
But I'm not as competitive as you, Rachel.
I am so not competitive, and I hate games,
and I hate being told what to do. But it's fun!
But it's bonding, it gets us all together as a group.
This is a sisterhood, the sisterhood.
I'm actually really excited.
We're having so much fun on the bus, I'm so excited for this trip,
and it's so lovely from Ampika to invite me.
Ooh! We're almost here, ladies!
Wow! It's gorgeous.
Oh, it's nice. From home to home, ladies.
Let's go. Whoo!
We're here!
In the Derbyshire hills. Smell the fresh air, ladies.
Thank you! Oh!
Oh, no! Lauren! Are you all right?
Are you OK?
I did not do that, everyone. I didn't touch her.
I was so busy looking over there.
I've got my knee brace if you need it.
Who the hell brings a knee brace on a holiday?
Like, am I with a bunch of OAPs? Like, who am I with?
Let's get in, ladies. Let's get a glass of Champagne.
That's a way to make an arrival.
Beaut! Ampika!
I know. This is Zen.
Wow!
This is tranquil. How beautiful.
Oh, this is gorgeous.
Can you feel the love, ladies? Can you feel the love?
Oh, I love it. Ampika!
You've done good! Yes!
You could be stark-bollock naked all day long
cos you've got no-one who's gonna overlook.
Literally, could you imagine coming downstairs...?
It's absolutely stunning. Wow!
I am so excited to be having such good vibes in the house
with all the girls, but one thing is really getting on my tits.
I've heard nothing from Seema,
and quite frankly, I think that's fricking rude.
I just think it's very bizarre that I haven't had an RSVP
to say that, "Unfortunately, I can't make it."
That worries me a little bit cos it's not like Seema.
Maybe she's seeing how she goes throughout the morning.
I hope there's no bad feeling or anything because I put all this on
because I want us to all have a bit of bonding time,
so unless she's, like, in a hospital bed, I think she would have text me.
Why don't we wait and see what comes out?
Because to be perfectly honest,
I think she's actually lucky she didn't go on that party bus.
LAUGHTER
This is the crown jewel of all the jewels.
So, we're together, Lauren.
We don't even cross the corridor from each other. Aww.
I'm loving all these details. Isn't it lovely?
Very nice, Ampika, very... Is this Lauren's room, then?
No, this is Ampika's room. This is Ampika's room?
This is my room. Yeah, it's gorgeous. OK.
Does that say pheasant or peasant? Pheasant!
Are you sure you've got a degree? I have got a degree!
We're gonna go up to the western wing, Nermina's room now. Look!
Oh, wow! Beautiful!
I love this. You've got a four poster. Beautiful!
She's got a four poster. Wow!
Nice big shower and a bath. Yeah. Loving it.
I've saved the best till last.
So, I just thought this is very quaint, very cosy.
Oh, my favourite. I love a snuggly room.
Cosy, snuggly, girls, look. Cute!
Oh, they're like twin rooms, aren't they? OK. Yes!
Jack and Jill, Jack and Jill. Have I not got a shower?
Cos I really need a shower. No.
Is she joking? Who is she trying to convince?
I'm in the smallest room with no shower.
Well done on your upselling skills, Ampika,
but it's not working around me.
So, if we wanted to have a shower, where would we go?
Right downstairs, there is a multi-use bathroom.
All right, cool. Thank you. OK. OK.
Well, thank you. But it is lovely, isn't it?
It's cute. It's very, very cute. I'm happy.
I'm BLEEP knackered.
Oh, Tanya! Oh, thank God!
Oh, my God, you're only coming for a night, you know.
You look like you're coming for two weeks.
Where's the bloody butler?
Well, that baggage is nowhere near as heavy
as the baggage that I've been carrying all the way here.
Wait till you find out what I've heard from Seema, Ampika.
I mean, I just don't think I can keep it to myself any longer.
It's only one night, you know. Yes.
That is a serious amount of clothes.
Well, it's my make-up,
it's my natural beauty in there, Ampika, you know?
Well, I'm just thrilled that you're away from being footie mum,
and you can actually just relax.
Oh, there's no relaxing for me, Ampika.
All the way here, I'm going, "Don't tell the girls, Tanya.
"Don't tell the girls, don't do it. Don't, don't do it!"
Oh, God, I'm just gonna explode!
I heard that Lauren's been saying that Nermina's a geg.
Have you? No.
I don't know if Nermina knows that or not.
What is a geg? It's like a geger, a geg.
Geg? It sounds like... MIMICS HOICKING
Like, when I go... MIMICS HOICKING
...when I spit something out. Geg?
I don't know what a geger is. It's like geg.
There's no other words.
It's like a geg. Like she gegs, gegs on. What do you mean?
Like interfere, like a busybody?
Mm, it's not like you're not invited,
it's just like... yeah, you'll get...
Tagger on. Tagger on. Yeah, a geg, a geg.
Like a clinger-on-er. Yeah.
Yes! Like a clinker.
What's a clinker?
You know, like, that bit of poo you can't get off your bum.
A winnit. I don't know!
THEY GIGGLE
♪ In my lucky underwear
♪ In my lucky
♪ My lucky underwear. ♪
Oh, bless you.
You've got your trousers down? I couldn't get them off.
Fur coat, no knickers? Can I have a look?
Bright red knickers. Ooh, gosh, it is actually swollen, isn't it?
Yeah, it's... Do you think I'm gonna make a fuss?
Ah! Oh, Lauren!
'I can't believe it.'
She's gone down like a sack of shit!
Lolly! Are you all right?
Are you OK?
I didn't know what to say out there
when they were saying about Seema and that she hadn't let...
She would never, you know, let anyone down.
She wears her heart on her sleeve, and if there's anything,
she would say, "Well, listen, sorry, I can't make it today."
She sent me a voice note as to what's wrong,
and I'll play it you so you can understand.
'No, I'm not good, hun.
'I've got really bad, acute pain in the left side of my abdomen.
'I've had a CT scan.
'He's given me, like, different things that it could be,
'but, like, I'm not really looking into any of it.
'I'll just try to keep an open mind, and I am in so much pain.'
I don't want them making it into a big thing
cos it seems they're dumping on her at the moment with things.
The speech, the farewell speech wasn't quite to everyone's taste,
and now why is she not letting anyone know? She sounds terrible.
Oh, do you know what, though? I don't... I don't do baths.
No, I don't do baths either. I'm a shower person.
I don't really do baths, but we're doing baths tonight.
We'll be having double bubble bath.
So, obviously, at the '80s night, I spoke with Nermina
after the kind of conversation that you guys had.
She felt a bit like,
"Oh, why did Sheena tell me to... whatever you said."
She said, "I think I should leave," and I said, "I think you should."
I'm gonna leave this conversation
cos I just feel like I can't say anything anyway.
Yeah, I think you should, yeah. Sorry?
I think you should leave. I... I will decide that for myself.
Yeah, because I'm talking to Seema,
and you're constantly butting in and getting involved.
I'm allowed to say that, it's my opinion.
It's my BLEEP opinion. Yeah, but nobody asked.
And I think she took that probably with a bit of offence,
and I said to her... No, no.
It was meant in offence, so she took it in the right context.
Yeah.
How are things with Sheena? Because that was all a bit...
Well, I felt like we didn't leave it, like, on a good note at all. No.
When we left the other night, she was really, like, harsh to me.
You know, in that conversation, and I was like, "You know what?
"This is not going anywhere, I'm gonna stand up."
I literally took my glass, like, "Ladies, I'm gonna leave you to it."
She turns around and says, "Yes, I think you SHOULD leave."
I tell you something, I'm not being spoken to,
so I put my glass down and went to sit.
I was like, "You know what? I'm not leaving BLEEP anywhere."
So, I didn't... I didn't like that tone,
but saying that, you know, I came with fresh, good energy.
I'm really excited to be with you girls here.
So, I... I feel like it was fine.
Look, someone I barely know decided to give their opinion
on something that had nothing to do with them.
So, did I snap? Absolutely.
Was it justified? Absolutely.
Well, you've got a lot of chats going on these next couple of days.
So you enjoy, and we'll see you on the party bus on the way home.
We need to sit up straight, don't we?
Legs crossed. Yeah.
I think there's so much more than what we think are the basics.
Yes, I would agree.
I thought she was teaching us how to eat without like...
So, my dad was in the Army,
and so we had to go to big functions,
and he always taught us BMW, which is Bread, Meal, Wine.
Not that we had wine cos we were kids.
Bread's always left. Bread's always left. Yeah.
Spoon is always on the right.
Ooh, all right, girls.
I could tell you were born with silver spoons in your mouth.
Ladies, welcome!
Oh! This is Laura.
Hi! Good afternoon, ladies.
All of us ladies need a bit of a polish-up
and a refinement on our manners, so I have searched the globe
to find an international etiquette teacher
to teach us the skills of etiquette.
So, any questions that anyone's got to ask Laura about rudeness,
interrupting, interrupting in different styles and formats,
eye-rolling, selfishness - what does it look like?
It's a bit rich, Ampika arranging etiquette lessons
when she needs them more than anyone.
She's got the biggest potty mouth.
Free the nipples!
LAUGHTER
I would now like you ladies to please take a seat.
We haven't got a seat for Ampika.
Have you not got a seat? Oh.
Right, ladies, I note quite a number of you were dragging the chairs,
and there was a lot of noise.
Once you pull your chair out,
you want to stand in front of your chair,
bring your chair slightly forward, and then sit down in one go.
LAUGHS
Obviously, that's not right.
SNORTS
This is very excellent posture. Oh.
Oh, thank you. Your back is not touching the back of the chair.
Thank you. That's wonderful.
CORK POPS Whoo!
Are we allowed to "whoo"?
Typically not. No fun.
We're not allowed to whoop when we hear a pop.
WHOOPS
I like you cos you're like me.
When you say something horrible, you smile.
LAUGHTER
So, who would like to tell me the first course we're going to eat?
Tanya said it's BRW. BMW. Soup. Soup.
The lady here, I was speaking,
and she was trying to answer my question, and you were interrupting.
But it was my answer.
Oh, it's not my answer, oh, so did I interrupt you?
No. You did. Oh, OK.
You did, Paige. I apologise.
Well, Paige is on her best behaviour, isn't she?
Cos she's never apologised for interrupting me before.
Yes.
So, I think in this group, we have a tendency of getting involved...
She doesn't normally speak like that, by the way. I... I do.
Why is she talking like this? What's wrong with her?
Speak properly, Paige! You're from Gloucester.
OK, I feel like in this group that we all get involved in conversations
that not necessarily we're meant to be a part of,
and it can then spiral, and then the group becomes fractured.
Are you asking in general? You're not...
In general. Not pointing fingers, I hope.
So, keep it as in general. No, I'm asking in general.
OK, Nermina, calm down.
It wasn't meant to be personal. Looks like I've hit a nerve.
Anything you don't want sharing, maybe don't repeat it,
and if you know there's a situation with you and a person,
deal with that person directly.
Get a new set of friends.
I enjoyed that, though. Ah, I just... I can't.
I start fidgeting a lot. No, you're a fidget.
Yes, I know. Should've worn my sunshine lanyard.
Oh, my God, how funny was it when Paige changed her accent?
I know.
I have put all our differences to one side.
You don't like her.
You're like... I am enjoying the banter that we're having.
You know me. It takes me a long time to warm up to people,
and then when I do, I'm silly, I... TANYA GASPS
Hello, hello, hello! Hello!
Mind if I come in for a little chinwag?
You girls all right? Your ears burning, are they?
They probably are. I know they always are.
THEY LAUGH
And then Paige just appears, like creeping Jesus! Like, oh!
INHALES SHARPLY
Do you guys know if Nermina knows
that Lauren's been saying that Nermina's a geg?
A what? What's a geg?
What's a geg? Yeah, I don't know what a geg is.
What is a geg? G-E-G, Golf Echo Golf.
Is geg even a word? I don't even know what it means.
Lauren's been calling Nermina a geg. It's like she gegs on.
Wait, hang on. How do you know that Lauren thinks that Nermina's a geg?
Seema told me.
Why hasn't Seema told Nermina? Seema's not here. She's poorly.
Seema told me that Lauren's been calling Nermina a geg,
and I've been thinking at the table,
it just clicked in my head, cos I thought, ooh!
Is that what I'm talking about? No! Oh.
This is a fucking new real thing. Fuck!
It's easier talking to Ralphie than you two.
Wait, so Seema said... Oh, my God.
OK, let's just get the facts straight.
So, Seema said that Lauren said
that Nermina's a geg. That Nermina's... Yes.
And I can't remember if Nermina knows that Lauren's been call...
So, we don't know if Nermina knows that she's been called a geg?
You're making it far more fucking difficult.
So, do we know if Lauren... Does... Do we know...?
Stop shouting cos she fucking will in a minute!
Oh, my God!
I thought these two went to private school.
They need to get their money back. Absolute bird brains.
It was so lovely to see Tanya today.
I'm really happy she's here as well. Yeah.
She said to me today, I said, "How are all the girls getting on?"
At the moment, I'm feeling everything's good.
I feel that everyone's happy and everyone's excited,
and she's like, "Well, Lauren thinks that Nermina's a geg."
I was like, what? What's a "gack"?
I don't know. A geg.
I have no idea what geg means,
but it does not sound like a compliment.
So, I'm not even sure what a geg is. I was like, "Geg? What is a geg?"
You know what? I'm... I'm lost here.
Please can you tell me what a geg is?
"Someone who goes to something they weren't actually invited to.
"Someone who butts into or who listens to a conversation.
"Someone who tags along."
But you haven't tagged along, I've invited you. No, I got invited.
Lauren is pot calling the kettle black.
She does it all the time, so, Lauren, if the cap fits yourself,
wear it, sweetheart, and own it.
Tonight, I've told the girls to put on their finest pyjamas
because we are having a slumber party,
Pikaboo style, fun, fun, fun.
Who's ready for a PJ party? Ooh, look at you!
Yeah. We just... We're just waiting for Lauren to get changed.
I know, I was just thinking, Lauren, are you in your gym wear?
Well, what are you wearing? I'm in lounge wear. I'm in Skims.
Is that what you sleep in?
I actually don't sleep in anything. I'm actually a naked sleeper.
It's healthy. I sleep naked too.
Do you sleep naked? No, never.
Sports bra on and Bridget Jones knickers.
You're marrying a billionaire. Is he OK with that?
Yeah, he doesn't mind. He knows the rules.
I wear the trousers in the household,
and I say, after we've had sex, "Do not touch me."
I go and put Bridget Jones knickers on. It holds my stomach in.
Hey! Whoo!
Look at you!
The teenagers are in the house.
I want to know what Sheena's secret recipe is
cos that woman is aging backwards.
I wish that etiquette lady was here now, with you sat like that.
LAUGHTER
Nermina! Hello!
Whoo! Sexy!
Saving the best for last! Wow!
It's a pyjama party. Why have you come looking for sex?
None of us fancy you, honeybun.
To me, they're ones for your hubby, not ones for your girlfriends.
Well, the whole point of tonight, ladies,
is to get the female prowess, the inner alpha female,
that thing between your legs to pulsate and feel magical.
A thing that goes between my legs
that makes me feel magical and pulsate tonight?
Mm. Is it a big vibrator?
Great. Can't wait to go to bed.
So, what we're gonna do, ladies, we're gonna go outside.
No, I'm happy. Stop it. What's happening?
We are going to howl to the moon.
AMPIKA HOWLS Oh, my God!
I definitely feel like Ampika's done this before
because, yeah, she is a pro at howling.
AMPIKA HOWLS
That is not her first-time howl.
Come on, then, ladies. Let's go! Come on.
Enjoy, girlies.
Nope, I'm not doing that. No. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
I'm just confused about vagina to howling, to...
LADIES HOWLING IN DISTANCE
The moon's gonna be like, "What the fuck?"
We're gonna release any pent-up negativity to the moon!
THEY HOWL
I was thinking it's really fucking foggy.
You can't see the moon.
THEY HOWL
Oh, my God, we're all harmonising!
So, we've had etiquette,
now we're howling at the moon from our vaginas.
Who knows what's gonna happen?
We've got a game, ladies,
cos I want to get to know each and every one of you better.
OK. You pull out a question.
Right, OK. You read it, and you answer it.
Lauren's question. Lauren.
Wake me up. Make it a good one, Lozza.
"Who is the biggest gossip in the group?"
Ooh!
The whole truth. I'm getting to know a bit more about you all.
It's me.
LAUGHTER
I've got the biggest gob going.
You don't say
I have! And I... I know! You actually do. You do.
I heard you said to Tanya that I was a geg.
I don't even know what a geg is. What?
A geg. A geg. What's that?
You told Tanya? No. Yeah.
Oh, so you repeated it? I didn't.
But not to you.
I haven't... I've not told Nermina!
Right, Nermina, wait. Who...? I've told Nermina.
Right, no, no, no. Who's told you? I told... I told Nermina.
Oh, OK. Ampika told me.
So, gossip here. Gossip Ampika. Gossip here. Gossip there.
Told Tanya. No. Tanya's told Ampika.
I asked Paige, and...
I didn't say anything! No, Ampika asked...
Ampika told me this, I was like, "Oh, shit, you heard too?"
I did say... what... what you are?
That I'm a geg. I don't even... I had to get my phone out.
No, no, I never said geg. I never said "geg", I said "beg".
Ooh, no!
Lauren! Stop talking.
This was a few weeks ago.
OK. When we all started hanging out together,
I said, "Nermina..." We've hung out for years.
Well, you haven't. There was a little bit of a gap. OK.
So, I'm not being horrible.
I've been dealing with something serious last few years.
Yes, you have. You got better, and I'm so happy.
You're putting me as I'm someone outside this group
trying to be part of the group.
I've said it. I think what you've said is not really nice to say.
I think it's incorrect, and I don't think it's true.
But it's not incorrect. You don't speak to anyone.
Just because we don't speak... You haven't spoken to Paige. I do!
First of all, I'm not trying. That's one thing.
To be part of a group where you've not seen anyone for three years.
I think you're not going to decide if I'm part of the group or not.
I saw Paige over... outside. I see her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a minute.
I am not deciding whether you're part of the group.
Why can't you just let me in, then? No! I will... Wait, wait.
I feel so uncomfortable right now because I really like Nermina.
I love Lauren.
I don't know where to put myself. I feel so awkward.
I will never decide whether you're part of the group.
That would be really unfair and un... You just said.
I said you were a beg, trying to part of a group. But I'm not.
I don't think that's a nice thing to say.
But you've not hung around with us for three years.
I just think you're rude, and I'm just gonna leave it.
Oh, you think I'm rude? I think you're being very rude.
I'm not being rude, I said at the beginning...
You are rude. You're right, you're not being rude, you are rude, sorry.
You are a bit of a beg. Rachel, will you take a gift?
I've been dealing with so much shit in my life, the last three years.
Oh, so I'm gonna look bad. I've not been part of any group.
I think you're being extremely rude. No, I'm not going after her.
I'm just going to cool down for five seconds.
I'm sad to see her get that hysterical and get really upset,
but she's been here all night,
and she's had all night to say something.
She's very calculated, her. She knows what she's doing.
I do not want to add fuel to the fire or be mean.
However, in my experience,
does Nermina get involved where she shouldn't?
Absolutely. So, does that make her a geg?
Then, yeah, I guess it does.
But this is exactly what she wants. I'm not...
She's trying to make herself relevant.
I'm not siding with anyone.
I'm gonna go and check on her cos she is upset.
Well, you're a beg too, then, for running off.
Don't call me a beg, Lauren, come on.
Come on, Lauren, it's not fair.
No-one should go off crying in any group situation.
You know what I mean? It's not nice.
I am not gonna call you out in front of a group,
but you and I have the relationship where we tell each other things.
You're gonna tell me to not speak? No, I'm not.
Cos I'm not gonna listen. I feel "beg" is a pretty bad word.
It's called a social climber, and it's the same thing. Ah, Lauren!
That just hit a... quite a sensitive nerve
because I'm thinking, like, the last three years,
you're right, you haven't seen me as much, Lauren,
but what... I've not been enjoying life.
Actually, I've been fighting for my life, and for you to say something,
I'm trying to get back into this group and be part of the group,
you're being an insensitive bitch.
I'm sorry for my language. You are being an insensitive bitch.
I think she... Because I'm lucky and happy and grateful
to be able to be part of this group again
because if you asked me three years ago,
I wasn't even sure if I'm gonna be here.
Ampika, I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be totally honest with you now. Yeah.
This game was only really gonna go one way.
I disagree. If you ask someone personal questions,
at some point it's going to... You're actually wrong.
Cos this game did not go wrong because of the game.
This went wrong because somebody told her I said she was a beg.
That was me. Which was you.
So, actually, it's your fault, Pikaboo.
It is my fault. But however, you said it.
Read the question. No, forget etiquette.
"Who is the most genuine?" Me.
Cos I'll tell you exactly how it is.
Ooh! No?
Morning. Morning, angel.
How's the patient this morning?
Oh, I didn't have a great night's sleep.
Aww. Oh, did you not?
Have you seen the snow? I know.
Isn't it gorgeous? Isn't it?
♪ New, new, new day
♪ It's a new, new, new day... ♪
How old are you now?
Fifty. Thanks. You don't look 50.
To be fair, I don't think any of us look our age.
Yeah, no. I think everyone looks great.
We do things, don't we? Well... Well...
Oh, when are we having our fadges done?
What, are you getting your vaginas tightened?
Not tightened, no.
It's just dropped a bit. Oh, OK.
I just want it just pulled. Pulling up.
Yeah. It's just the appearance.
Gravity, really. Oh, so they're droopy?
Like that. Let me show you gravity.
Look at this.
Chelsee Healey and Brooke Vincent posted it.
My fadge, look at that.
PAIGE CHUCKLES You've got a full-on camel toe.
You can't even see that. It's fine. Mine would be worse.
Aww, ladies. Good morning!
Got an action-packed day today. So excited.
Pulling out all the stops as usual.
RACHEL SQUEALS
So, we have got three of us, well, four of us, actually,
off to the animal farm for some animal therapy.
If I get shagged by a sheep, I swear to God I'm going home.
And then for you ladies, Paige, Sheena and Lauren,
you've got Champagne sabrage...
I spend my life around animals and not enough time around Champagne.
Ampika, is there any chance we can rejiggle the group?
...with a very handsome, sexy gentleman...
Why are you looking at me?
...who's going to do something extra special with his sword.
I've never heard it called a sword before.
LAUGHTER You have.
♪ Let's start a Champagne riot That's where I wanna be... ♪
Come on, ladies. Let's go.
Whoo.
Oh, hi. Hello. Hiya.
Very Game Of Thrones.
It is very Game Of Thrones.
It's a little fire in a big fire pit.
That is one big sword.
I hope he knows how to use that,
because, yeah, that would destroy someone.
SHE LAUGHS Oh, I shouldn't say that.
I'm going to be teaching you guys the art of sabrage,
which is opening a bottle of Champagne with a sword.
If we've all got fingers at the end of this...
We're doing good. We're good.
...we're doing good.
We take our bottle, holding it from the bottom
to keep fingers and thumbs out the way.
So, not even using the sharp tip of the blade.
Just using... using the base of it, a few times back and forth.
CORK POPS, SQUEALING
There we go.
SHEEP BAAING
Hi, ladies.
Hi, Clare. We're super excited. Are you?
Please tell these ladies what we've got in store for them today.
You're gonna meet some lovely, fluffy alpaca boys,
take them for a little walk.
What we've got to be careful of around alpacas
is that we ask you not to touch them on the face.
If you go towards the face, they're gonna spit at you,
and when they spit,
it's the contents left of their bowels that they spit at you.
TANYA RETCHES
They'd better not fucking spit on me.
Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER
I mean, this is you. This is six inches, isn't it, like?
So, we're dealing with six inches, are we, Tom?
I mean, I'm not good at measurements,
so whatever you say, Tom.
SQUEALING Oh!
CHEERING That was really good.
That was so cool.
That was probably one of the best demonstrations I've ever seen.
I'm absolutely delighted.
I never do well in these activities, and now I've done it first time.
Yay me.
Lower the blade where it's heavier.
And make sure you are pushing down into the bottle as you go.
CHEERING Perfect.
Well done. Look at that.
And if you look again, it's taken the top of the glass clean off.
Bit more pressure going down into the bottle.
CHEERING Perfect.
Well done. Really good.
Well done. That was very cool.
I really enjoyed that.
Well, Sheena got the best shot,
but, I mean, who got the best, cleanest cut?
You. It looks like yours is.
Rachel, you're missing all the fun, Rachel.
Fun?
You've got mirrors on your ceiling, a shower that fits four,
and you think walking that thing round is fun?
What's happened to you?
Come on! Come on, Winston.
You stubborn bugger.
Come on.
You are not made for the farm.
That flat cap, Tanya, you look similar.
RACHEL CHUCKLES
Clare, do you find them quite affectionate animals?
They're very nervous, but when you build trust, they are.
Aww! Want to go in for a cuddle, you're more than welcome.
Just give him a little stroke on his neck there.
TANYA GROANS Alpaca shit.
SHE RETCHES
I don't know why she keeps doing this to me.
Last time, I had to take a donkey for a walk.
It took me for a walk.
SHE WHISTLES
Come on. Good, good!
Vamos andar.
SHE SCREAMS, DONKEY GUIDE LAUGHS
Fucking hell. Get me out of here.
Can I ask how the therapy's going?
I think Tanya is quite upset. Fine if you like alpaca shit.
TANYA RETCHES
SHE LAUGHS
CORK POPS, CHEERING
Cheers, girls.
And thank you, Tom. Well done.
Thank you. Well done, guys.
Girlies. Chin-chin. See you later.
Bye. Thank you. Bye, guys.
♪ Do you want a taste Can you handle me? ♪
All right, girlies. Hi. Hi.
Hi, how was that? I loved it.
I'm not sure if Tanya agrees, but I had an amazing time.
Thank you, Ampika.
Tanya's walking home. She stinks.
How's everyone feeling after last night?
How are you feeling? I am still really upset about it.
And I don't want to get emotional.
The things that have been said are just really upsetting, you know,
and I felt like I was trying to explain myself
and trying to kind of get a word in.
It just escalated really quickly,
and it just genuinely, really, really upset me.
I don't agree with Lauren on this particular point.
I like the fact that Nermina's in the group.
I don't understand what Lauren's problem is.
What the hell happened last night?
Because... I don't really know.
I will say, Lauren, like, you were going in.
Like, you were going... SHE GRUNTS
But was she giving it to get it? Oh, yeah.
Don't get me wrong. It's not like...
It's not like that came out of nowhere from Lauren.
She's been giving it a lot recently to everyone.
She has, and I do agree.
I mean, she started with Sheena. She started with you.
She's coming for me, and then it went to...
Yeah, and I do agree. I had told her that. I did say that.
Third time lucky, you got it. Keep pushing, you will get it.
I already know that when someone attacks me,
I go back twice as hard, twice as horrible, so don't bother,
cos you're not gonna like what comes out of my mouth.
Why does she feel so entitled
to feel that she needs to kind of know why I'm back in the group?
I don't disagree with you.
It's something that she said to Seema
that she never thought you'd hear about or would get back to you.
She likes you.
Well, it doesn't sound like she likes me
if she says those things about me behind my back.
I was with Seema in a car,
and I asked her why Nermina was hanging around with us.
As a social climber, coming to these parties is a bit of a beg.
Are these words harsh? Yeah.
But Lauren says what she means,
and I don't necessarily disagree with her.
And she explained to me that she is launching a new equestrian outfit,
and she wants to be in the right circles for that.
To promote that. Right. To promote it.
And I said, "I get it."
When I met Lauren and when I met you girls,
I was a different person back then.
Most of the time, I wouldn't actually fight back,
but I'm a fighter.
I've been through absolute shit in my life, and I will fight you.
If I have to, I will fight you. I'm not gonna just swallow it.
With Lauren, it could go one of either two ways.
She could reflect and be apologetic,
or she could get really defensive and make it worse.
I mean, I really hope that it's not the latter.
I hope that she sits down... I hope so.
I do not know how I will react at this point and moment of time.
You know, I just don't know.
Tonight, I've really pulled out the stops.
I've spared no expense.
I've got two chefs from London to make sure that the food is on point.
I want this to be the most lovely, warm, welcoming last supper
that we have together to finish the retreat off.
I'd like everyone to be seated.
Wow. Remember how to manoeuvre your chairs.
Oh, yes, thanks for that.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, you're not meant to put your handbag on the table, are you?
And we all have. Oh, for fuck's sake.
Every single one of us has.
Sheena, can I just say,
because you've had that wonderful activity and learning how to...
Oh, my God, it was...
Could you do the honours?
You want me to do it with a knife?
Yeah, we've got it.
I'll open the bottle, but not like that.
Do you know what, though, Ampika? What a great activity.
Great party trick that I'm definitely gonna take.
Oh, yeah, soon as I get home. I loved that sword.
That was like a... All right!
Ampika clearly was not messing around
when she said Tom had a big sword.
Mm.
It was so fun.
It was something like a movie. I loved my alpaca.
Oh, it was an ugly thing. Was it Winston?
Winston. Agh. No, you had Winston.
He was fuming. He had a proper grumpy face.
I thought you looked very similar to him.
I did with the flat cap on. I thought like pet, like owner.
Honestly. I've had a brow lift, thank you.
Guy that did your brow lift... CORK POPS
EXCLAMATIONS Fucking hell.
Bloody hell, Sheena, all my fillers shook then with fright.
To Pikaboo. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thanks for participating. I've got wonderful adventurers.
Each and every one of you, from the bottom of my heart...
To get all of your diaries where someone's free without childcare,
without animal problems, work...
"Animal problems." Talk... Oh, I know.
Talking about diaries, I've messed up, girls.
I thought Ralphie's game was tomorrow, and it's tonight,
so I'm gonna have to scoot off mid...
Football... Football mum life. Sorry.
If I missed Ralphie's first game for his new club,
he would never forgive me, and I wouldn't forgive myself.
The mum guilt, urgh! It's my brain.
Can't remember dates. It's like an actual flump.
Wish him good luck from us. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Bye.
Drive safe. Bye.
How did you meet David?
How did you guys meet? Through a blind date.
So, about 17 years ago, I went on a date.
He was with somebody, but he was never married,
he never lived with anybody.
He lived his life as a single man.
I said, "You've got to make a decision
"whether you're gonna stay with the partner
"who you've had your children with
"or whether you want to be with me, and that's not a threat."
And he just said, "I've made my mind up.
"I wanna be with you." Aww.
So, yeah. Fairy tale.
I think life is full of ups and downs for everybody,
but I always say to people that good things happen to good people,
and I've been a very good person majority of my life,
and that's why I've got my happily ever after.
I work hard. I make my own money.
I said to him, "When we get married, I'm happy to sign a prenup.
"Get the prenup written." I really believe in prenup.
I... I think as well, going through what we've gone through
and singlehandedly supporting a family,
when you get back on the dating apps,
men also find it quite intimidating
when a woman is totally in their alpha energy.
Yes. Which I don't want to be in my alpha energy, I don't.
But the fact is, I'm the... SHE INHALES
Aww, Rach. Why are you getting upset now?
Don't be silly. No, you are, I get it.
You're being a mum, a dad and everything in one.
I can relate to how Rachel feels.
We've both gone through similar experiences in our life,
but what they say is, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Sometimes, you just have to put your big girl knickers on
and get on with it.
I carry everything, you know, and it's a lot of stress.
So I'm always in my alpha energy, and I hate it because...
And you do it so well, but you wish you wouldn't have to.
I wish I wouldn't have to, and I would like to soften,
but also, you know, even what I earn, they find it intimidating.
I feel like sometimes, you can't win.
You work so hard so you are independent,
you don't need to rely on anyone,
but then they don't like it when you work so hard.
I also put the children first. I always will do.
Nick and probably any other man that I might meet
is going to find that frustrating that they're not the top of my list,
but when you're a mum of five, how can anyone be above your kids?
I think I would only date older.
I do. I just... I like an older man.
Oh, so do I, Rachel. LAUGHTER
Well, it's a good job. We know you do!
You don't say.
Could you imagine me round an old folks' home? Be lethal.
Oh, my goodness. LAUGHTER
Ampika! Where's Pikaboo?
CHUCKLING
Did you feel like you've had a lot of, you know,
judgment around the age gap?
A hell of a lot, yeah, and a lot of abuse on social media.
I think one, because of the age gap and two, because of David's wealth.
I think people are very judgmental in general
when it comes to age gaps.
Jealous, also a little bit jealous of the situation.
I get it from all angles.
It's not about interracial, more that we're inter-faith.
Obviously, I know I have converted,
but I still get it a lot from, you know, a lot of the communities.
Paige, have you changed your fashion sense
since being with Amir, would you say? No, I haven't.
I've made it my kind of strength to be me.
Would you wear revealing things?
I've never really been one to have my boobs out too much,
but that's mainly because I don't like my boobs, not because...
Cos I actually...
I don't think you realise you said something, you know, at Rachel's...
Murder mystery? Murder mystery.
You said to me, "You look gorgeous,
"but Amir would never let me leave the house..."
He wouldn't. "..dressed like that."
I mean that. That's the truth.
Probably wouldn't. He'd have a go at me.
Oh, my God, Amir would kill me if I walked out in that.
I mean, he would love it, but he'd be like, "No, no."
That felt a little bit judgmental, you know.
Oh, my God! Towards you? It felt a little bit like,
"Oh, he would never let me..." Oh, no, no, you've taken... No.
No, no, no. So, I felt really happy.
And, you know, I felt like I'd dressed the part.
You thought I judged you? A little bit judged, yeah.
This is so weird,
because wasn't Paige the one that ran out after Nermina
when she was really upset
and actually spent the rest of the night with her?
And now for Nermina to kind of turn on her and pick at her
for something, like, so petty, that's not very good.
I think it sounded like you were maybe saying
that she was disrespecting her husband by going out like that,
and they're not like that.
This is a bit of a stretch.
He trusts what she wears. This is a reach.
Girls, this is a bit of a reach.
I'm completely lost.
If Nermina had such a problem with what I said,
why is she waiting till now to tell me?
Why am I getting, like, penalised?
You're not being attacked. You're not being attacked.
And now I'm just, "Oh, my God."
Let me have a go at Amir. Like, it's just my personal views.
I never judge anyone for what they look like, do or anything.
I think you just need to lower... I'm not doing anything.
I have been judged all my life. You don't have to raise your voice.
No, I'm getting pissed - I'm not gonna be a judgy person,
cos I never judge anyone.
I have been through it,
I have been there and been the person who was fucking judged.
But you're not putting yourself in her place that night.
I have a community what I am... don't fit in.
I am judged on every walk of my religion.
I would never fucking judge anyone.
Is your husband happy for you to go out in whatever you've got on?
Yes? Then crack on!
Why do you care about somebody's opinion?
Babes, if you're gonna wear a see-through outfit,
be confident in it and crack on.
That's what I'm saying. Don't make me a judgy person.
Are you gonna let me speak or not?
Let's just calm down. Let's just calm down.
I respect that you apologised, and we should just leave it there.
OK, well, I can... I can... I heard you.
I heard you, and I'm sorry you felt that way.
And I don't think you think before you speak.
And this is a... this is a positive thing.
She doesn't think before she speaks? She doesn't.
What about you?
Well, you've not stopped speaking, missus.
Oh, am I allowed to speak or not? Well, obviously. Go for it.
Good, thank you. You're holding court, so continue.
No, I'm not.
Nermina's forming a little bit of a pattern here.
First it was me, then it was Paige, now it's Lauren.
Look out, girls, who's next?
I was with Seema on the way home,
and I said, "How come Nermina's hanging around again?
"Is she becoming a bit of a beg?"
By saying that... You don't know what I have said.
You're kind of saying... Well, you just said it.
I appreciate my time more than anything of... anything in life.
Which is why I couldn't understand why you would come to these parties.
Why not? I want to celebrate life.
I want to be around people I like. OK.
I actually like these girls.
You have said to Seema turn around and not question it
and say, "Good on Nermina."
I am allowed to question why. I did! You should as a friend.
As a friend, you say, "Good on her for being around again
"after everything she's been through." And I did!
And I did at the end.
At the end. No, I asked why you were.
But why question it in the fucking first place, Lauren?
Because I couldn't understand why anybody would want to come
to an event and be an extra.
I've never been a fucking extra! Where are you getting that from?
I've never been an extra. Never. No, she said... No, you haven't.
And that's why I couldn't understand why you were there.
I'm getting myself back. I've been quiet for three years,
fighting behind the scenes, spending time...
I think Nermina's one of the strongest girls
going through what she's been through.
My father had cancer. It never leaves you.
I'm trying to get back out there, build my business up.
And I said well done to Seema.
Being here with girls like you...
The word "beg" is not nice, and I apologise.
I shouldn't have said it. I think you used the wrong word.
Yeah, but, but why has Seema said the word "beg"?
Why has she repeated it all?
And actually, if you're gonna repeat a conversation,
I have no problem, but say the end.
The end was I'm glad that you're here.
If there's anything that Seema needs to learn,
it's to keep her mouth firmly closed,
because all of this, Seema, is down to you.
I do feel like a conversation is going to have to be had with Seema
to find out what she's said and done.
At this point, I don't understand why she's done it,
but there has to be a reason
because this is not making sense to me right now.
'Next time on The Real Housewives Of Cheshire...'
Oh, my God, right. Brain freeze.
SHE EXCLAIMS Fucking hell!
Fuck me!
How are you feeling? You look very stiff.
It's literally like someone is pulling my skin.
What did you say?
We've got a lot of stress with our house.
I always am able to manage my stress,
and I'm finding it the most hard
to talk to him, the closest person to me.
Ring me? You never ring me! But I did ring you.
She has sent messages to you to invite you out,
and you have declined.
I've got no freaking messages. There we go.
Polka dot princess has polka-d off.
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