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Thanks for tuning in, guys. Life is totally crazy.
It's Christmas Eve and Paris is having a heatwave.
It's 28°C,
outdoor cafés are packed.
You're loving it. Some advice:
if you go for a dip,
make sure to splash the back of your neck.
It's very hot.
Avoid all thermal shocks.
That's today's advice.
We'll be here for you all day...
You can't take the day to shop with me?
The stock market doesn't shut down for Christmas.
I work this hard for the two of us.
Hurry it up, the CAC 40 is down to 39.
-Sam, be on time tonight! -Count on me.
We make a killing today. We'll finish late.
It's ok, I'll be there.
Love you, baby.
Have a good day.
-What? -What, what?
She loves Christmas.
What do we care? Tonight, we work. This is serious.
Just give me a break.
Drop the "my chick before business" act.
Some business, stealing--
Am I disturbing you?
Some tea? Cookies?
Sure.
You, focus on ready-to-wear.
You, toys and photos with kids.
-I don't like kids-- -Move it!
We steal all we can
and the perfumery guy sneaks us out after closing.
-It feels bad. -There's nothing to feel!
It's settled with perfumery guy.
Give me a break. He's a loser.
You're the loser.
You'd back out for your woman?
You'll lose her one day. You're not a broker, remember.
We split up and meet in the storeroom after closing.
Santa, where are the presents?
No idea. Why ask me?
Will you tell me a story?
Don't know any. Go over there
and play with your pals.
I've got no pals.
They call me Al Beano.
We all have our problems.
I'm not your shrink.
Get lost.
Come on, Santa, tell me a story.
A story!
Sure, that's why I'm here.
-What do you want to hear? -Snow White!
-Don't know it. -Iron Man!
-A Monster in Paris! -Beauty and the Beast!
-Superman! -Barbie!
-Spiderman! -Snow White!
Do you know The Adventures of Aladdin?
We know that one!
You don't know my version.
It's a remix.
Sit down, nice and quiet. Don't say a word.
That's great. All right.
The New Adventures of Aladdin.
-I wanted Snow White! -Me too.
Ok, but I don't know it.
So... It's the 11th century
in Baghdad, the city of a thousand riches...
The streets were filled with hawkers, merchants and troubadours.
Aladdin and Khalid, two good-looking guys,
struggled to survive at a time
when only the rich ate their fill.
Thank you.
Welcome to Baghdad.
You'll find all kinds of delightful stores.
You'll have the time of your life!
Check it out.
No, you can't park here, sir!
-I'll be two minutes. -No more!
Otherwise, I'll fine you.
Hurry!
-Usually, it's blue and green. -Red on this model.
-You see a red thread? -There!
That's orange!
-Go on, the red one. -Orange!
-Red! -Forget it!
Come on, it's orange.
Do it.
What the hell are you doing?
Stand aside!
-What's going on? -I dunno.
-Come back! -My carpet! My Italian carpet!
Who's the boss man? Who?
Beautiful, isn't it?
-Ready? -Ready.
Why didn't you jump?
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF Aladdin
Yes, vizier, I agree with you, as always.
But isn't it too early to call on my daughter?
But Princess Shallia has disobeyed you again.
True.
Doesn't the sultan rule time?
Must he observe custom like the humblest of mortals?
Vizier, your words are always so wise!
From his mug, you can tell the vizier is neither good nor wise.
Shallia!
She can't be seen, Highness.
Shallia!
I hear you once again tried to go outside the palace walls!
First, telling tales is petty.
Second, I'm not your prisoner, I'm your daughter!
But you can't leave the palace before you marry.
Enough of these mouldy rules!
The 10th century is over!
I need freedom!
Next time you try to escape, I'll have one of your maids beheaded.
Right?
Rababa, your favourite!
-I was good there? -Indeed, Highness.
We must respect tradition.
The princess cannot expose herself like some commoner.
I can't wait to marry her off.
Her marriage would put a lot of money in the state coffers.
And the state is me.
True, but she is not easy to wed.
-She has a temperament. -Find her a rich husband.
Very rich and handsome.
Forget handsome. Just very rich.
As your majesty demands.
If the princess marries,
I could lose control of the realm when the sultan dies.
And never become the mightiest...
-I'm sorry? -the...
What?
-Did you speak to me? -No.
Ok, you were talking so...
I talk to myself.
That's kind of weird.
Get lost!
Quick!
Hurry!
Buy it now!
Sultan's palace, Aladdin DVD, out in 1,000 years!
Get it now! Aladdin DVD, out in 1,000 years!
Princess, it's dangerous!
Allow me to remind your gracious majesty
that the sultan will behead your favourite servant
if you go out into Baghdad again.
Princess...
It's so beautiful!
Princess! Didn't you hear me?
It's not 'cos I'm your favourite.
I'm just making conversation. Princess?
People of Baghdad, discover the famed elixir.
This potion restores vigour and youth to anyone who drinks it!
Step up, fear not,
this potion will only do you good.
Step up! Who is ready to try it out?
You won't be disappointed.
The answer to all your problems!
It restores vigour, youth and strength
to anyone who drinks it!
Any volunteers?
I want to try it.
All right, as you all demand it,
let's test my elixir on this old man.
It has to be a hoax.
50/50?
No, 2/3-1/3, it's my scheme.
Get up!
Be patient!
Ok, it's a deal: 50-50.
Here you go, ladies and gentlemen, look!
Look at what I promised you! It's exceptional!
Look at the power of my elixir!
Step up, come closer!
See how amazing it is!
Have you ever seen the like?
It's fantastic!
That's fantastic?
You need to get out more often.
That's not what I meant. Let's go, it's a scam.
Step on up!
There's enough for everyone!
It's not a scam.
All right, here we go! Hand over the money!
Two for the price of two, three for the price of three!
Let's go!
It'll all be gone by tomorrow!
Treat yourselves.
Young sorcerer!
For pity's sake.
I don't believe it.
Satisfy my curiosity
and tell me what effect
your potion would have
on someone in good health.
Good question. I never thought of that.
This looks bad.
Such a person could only feel even better
after drinking the elixir.
Can you prove it?
Certainly.
No...
And that was that.
They overcame class differences, married and had lots of kids.
-End of story. Merry Christmas! -No!
-Calm down! -The end of the story!
I want Snow White!
Keep them occupied or you're fired!
-I was going to do that. -Good.
All right, let me take this off.
I'll tell you the end of the story as planned.
I wanted Snow White.
So...
Drink without fear.
I've understood your trick.
I don't know what you mean.
I can't see a thing!
I'm good for the chop now.
You'll get us killed!
I'm blind!
She's just kidding!
I can't see a thing!
Look!
Everything is dark!
You'll get us killed.
-I can't see a thing... -Look out!
Stop it! Calm down!
-I'll never see daylight again! -Majesty, that's enough!
-Rababa, it's you! -Let's go, by your grace.
-Grace is pretty for a princess. -This will end badly!
It's water!
Khalid!
-My young sorcerer! -Majesty!
Let go of him! Stop!
Let go of him! It was a joke!
Let go of him!
May shame descend upon you and your families!
When your good vizier decides to visit the people,
what does he find?
Disorder and chaos.
Yes?
Without wishing to interfere or argue,
it seems to me that disorder and chaos
are similar words, used here for the same purpose.
I'd never have dared.
No.
As I was saying,
on this beautiful day,
your beloved and adored vizier...
Beloved and adored.
That's a repetition?
-No, not at all. -No?
Right.
Get up.
What am I going to do with you?
You have to catch me first!
Aladdin!
-It's ok, make it 2/3-1/3. -Cool!
Watch out for the guard.
Look out!
I didn't start it.
Give it here.
It wasn't me, it was him.
Look, Snow White!
Where is he?
Where are you?
Can we go now?
I pulled down a guard's pants!
Great!
You forgot this!
Thanks.
Meh...
Why do I do this?
All set? Can we carry on now?
As I was saying, what am I going to do with you?
Let him go.
Old man, I never give in to threats.
Kill the vizier!
Shoot an arrow into my shoulder to hit him in the heart!
Kill the vizier!
The jerk did it!
No!
-The jerk did it! -Khalid!
No, my brother, please!
I’m fine! My mistake.
Answer me!
Ok. So who was shouting, "Kill the vizier"?
It wasn't me...
Gotta run.
As you know, your good vizier bears no grudges,
but since you wanted me dead...
I double the taxes!
Yes!
We'll go 50-50.
I’ll give you the lot, but don’t leave me!
Please, Khalid, stay with me, brother.
Stay with me!
You'll serve as an example, you miscreant.
You will rot in the boundless desert of Kourbi!
For pity's sake, princess.
Is Khalid dead?
-That's so sad. -No!
Change the story.
No. Actually, he’s not dead.
-And the arrow? -Well, the arrow...
The man who had his head chopped off
had a twin brother... a doctor.
And he took Khalid to his place
to look after him...
to thank him for attacking the vizier.
Okay, well no.
Khalid,
wakes up in a house...
And he isn’t dead!
He isn’t dead...
because...
What am I doing here?
Actually, the man that the vizier had beheaded
was my twin brother.
And...
since I’m a doctor, I brought you here to...
to take care of you.
As I’m a doctor...
And to thank you for attacking the vizier.
In relation to my brother, my twin brother.
There.
Oh, my young sorcerer!
I’m going to save you!
-Look, I have water! -My beloved!
Drat! What a klutz!
Don’t worry, I’ll come back.
Aladdin!
Is that you, my brother?
You're alive?
Look, I've brought you water.
Shit.
Hold on, I'll be right back.
I’ve found some! Careful.
Finally, my friend!
Let’s drink!
My friend?
I have water and food for you, my friend.
I even got you a burger at the drive-thru.
That handsome stranger is lost in the desert because of us.
With the heat, he's probably dead by now.
He was so handsome.
His face is etched in my memory forever.
You’ve got his hair perfectly.
Thank you.
Then I saw the most beautiful eyes ever.
But the vizier came and killed my friend.
And it became the saddest day of my life.
-I'll get revenge. -Yes.
-I swear I will! -Yes, get revenge.
I don't wish to offend my saviour,
but are you a shirt-lifter?
No.
Cool.
I’m just a humble magician.
-You're a magician? -Yes.
But nothing too wild, just...
Great.
Why are you alone in the desert, magician?
I'm looking for an ancient artefact,
buried in an abandoned palace near here.
What artefact?
Just an old lamp with no market value.
But it belonged to one of my ancestors.
And I cherish it.
Unfortunately, the palace is so run down
that I cannot slip through the rubble.
So I need someone who could help me to get the lamp.
-No. -Yes.
-No, I'm sorry. -Aladdin.
I want revenge on the vizier.
Help me, Aladdin, help me.
And I'll give you the means to get your revenge!
-Deal! -Yeah!
I'm two points short of a suspended licence, so I'm wary.
Of course.
Here we go.
In Baghdad, with the new taxes,
the kingdom's coffers were bursting
while the people suffered more and more.
There you are, Weasel.
-Get rid of this. -But...
And you’re too tall. Squat down.
Lower.
Look at me now.
I need a husband for the princess.
A weak man that I can control as I see fit.
You have to stop the princess from marrying a prince.
That’s what I said.
Not quite, because when you think about it--
What prevents me from marrying the princess?
Your breath?
This is it!
Aladdin.
Your eyes will be led to contemplate gold, a lot of gold.
But you mustn't touch anything.
Touch nothing, I get it.
Are you sure?
You have slight kleptomania.
I have what?
You’re a bit of a thief.
Me?
You’re going through my pockets right now.
That’s true.
All right.
The secret code.
In theory, that...
You're going to enter the palace
and overcome a series of obstacles.
You can't touch anything,
except the lamp that you bring back at any cost!
Aladdin, look into my eyes.
The gold will have no effect on you.
Ok, you can go.
All right.
It can't be done.
Sorry, sir.
Have a good day.
You have what I want?
Elementary, my dear vizier!
Ali Mentari the detective never fails.
I have personally picked three candidates
who suit the request that you made.
Namely, to find a person
who could personally pass for your nephew all on his own.
One more long-winded reply and I’ll cut your tongue out!
Salam aleikoum! Labesse?
Hiya, Uncle!
These men are supposed to pass for my nephew?
-Exactly! -I see.
-I'm your nephew! -Uncle...
-It's me, I'm your nephew. -Well, Uncle...
Look, I have the same beard!
I liked the Asian one.
He's starting to annoy me.
Sorry.
Grab that woman!
Woman!
Let go of me!
You know the fate of thieves?
It wasn't me.
I don't care, I like to dress up.
Is it wrong to be different?
Is cross-dressing a crime?
-Of course. -Hold on!
I didn’t know dressing up was illegal.
Either it's to steal from others or, worse, it’s a perversion.
Not at all, I disguise myself
for cultural and entertainment reasons,
because I’m an amateur actor.
-Really? -Yes, I’m an actor.
I love acting.
Really? Well, for example, in ancient Greek theatre,
all the women’s roles were played by men.
Personally, ancient Greece I call Greece.
In 1500 years, calling it ancient Greece
may make sense, but now it’s just Greece.
It depends how you look at it.
Depends on what?
Well... yeah.
No...
I love getting under a character's skin.
Losing myself in a part.
I do it on purpose.
What is an actor?
An actor is a feeling.
An actor is a sensation.
It means dying with your character
to make him immortal.
I won't keep you any longer.
Young thief,
you master the art of words to perfection.
You.
Tell the sultan that my long-lost nephew...
is back from the Indies.
Your nephew is back? Fantastic!
The gold will have no effect on you.
Great.
Go ahead, pick any one you want.
That one? Why not?
The 8.
I'm not scared!
Don't worry.
-Shit! -Magician!
Aladdin?
Do you have the lamp with you?
Yeah, but it sucks!
Give it to me!
Why is the ground quaking?
Did you steal something, fool?
No.
It depends what you mean by "something".
No!
No.
No!
We'll meet again, Aladdin!
We'll meet again.
Where did I park?
Baghdad was a-buzz with the vizier’s nephew’s return.
That's for sure--
He was about to meet the sultan.
The vizier began with a cough...
and blabber...
...my joy to hear that my beloved nephew
has not perished in India, but is alive and well.
And rich.
Very rich.
One of my favourites.
I wouldn't part with it for anything.
It's priceless.
He said it was priceless.
Great sultan, I'd love to buy it from you.
I like your nephew.
How kind.
-He likes art. That's rare! -Thank you.
By priceless, I mean
I can’t give you a low price.
With the brushes, canvas and paint, I'd never make ends meet!
You use models?
No, I paint from memory.
My head.
"Slide to unlock."
Tell me, little worm, are you alone?
Meaning?
Meaning I'm a genie who's been trapped in this lamp for millennia!
I wanted to know if you had anyone with you.
A brunette, say, or a redhead...
It'd help me out.
I'm all alone here.
-My pal Khalid-- -Is this a story?
-Yeah! -Too damn boring.
Sorry.
I'm free!
See you, pal!
Yes, we're free!
Wait!
Wait up!
Just a quick question.
Seeing as how I freed you...
If I remember the stories right...
Normally, don't I technically get three wishes?
Yes, that's right.
But I’m sick of granting favours to humans.
The last one swore to free me from that rotten lamp I was held in
with his last wish!
It's over.
I can't stand people who don't keep their promises.
You're trying to make like we're pals,
you get how I feel, maybe we're twins parted at birth...
Forget it, spare your breath!
A genie is allowed to refuse a human's wishes just once.
And that human...
just happens to be...
Who could it be?
Hey, it's going to be you!
Sorry.
I'm free!
F-R-E-E!
I'll let you go, forget the wishes.
One last question.
How can a giant like you...
-A strapping guy. -Yes.
A hunk.
...fit in such a tiny lamp?
Technically, it's impossible.
"Impossible" isn't part of a genie's vocabulary.
Watch!
"Thinking" neither, I guess.
Hold on, let me out.
You get your three wishes.
Three wishes? That's not a lot.
What?
I'm not seeing anyone.
You promised not to marry me off.
Especially to the vizier's nephew!
You'll like him. He's very handsome, very rich...
I shouldn't even be here!
Rababa,
I keep thinking about that young thief we sent to his death.
I wouldn't say "we"...
So handsome with his dark curly hair.
More frizzy than curly.
The colour of his eyes!
Too close set.
Will you stop correcting me?
We're not best friends, ok?
He's as ugly as a monkey!
That's not the nephew, that really is a monkey.
Shit, what a fright!
Stop that! Come here.
I'll sacrifice myself for you.
Marry him to Rababa!
Off with Rababa's head!
Before or after the wedding night?
-Why did you do that? -What?
-Did I ask you to? -No.
So don't do it.
This morning, I thought--
-Want this? -No.
I can't do more than three.
Or five maybe but no more!
Ten.
Ten? You're out of your mind!
This guy's crazy!
Call it six!
A six upside down is a nine.
Very funny! Laugh your socks off!
Keep your nine and I'll give you seven.
You'll bankrupt me! Seven is my final offer.
I'm your genie
Order and I obey
Your wishes rule the day
Yes, I'm his genie
Who am I? I'm--
-Yeah? -What is this?
Genies sing when they start serving a human.
Give me a G, give me an I Give me an N, I'm GIN...
-Hey! -What?
Can't you see everyone's staring at you?
No.
My plan is going perfectly.
The sultan really liked my nephew.
He will soon marry the princess.
I don't like to boast but, quite frankly, I've...
Talking to yourself again?
Quite frankly, I've managed to...
-What? -Nothing.
-Nutter. -Come here.
Stay, so I don't need to look for you when I talk to myself.
-The sultan said-- -One thing...
Seeing as how we're plotting,
we should find an evil laugh to freak people out, something like...
No.
The sultan has spoken to his daughter and she agrees to marry you.
It's a tradition for the future couple
to spend their first night together one week before the wedding.
Nice.
Weird, but nice.
Before making your first wish,
you need to be aware of the importance of your power.
Yes, my Lord, for you have the power to change the world,
the power to eradicate disease with one wish,
the power to make people happy!
-Oh, my Lord. Hallelujah. -Ok.
-I know what I want. -Go on.
Ready?
For my first wish...
-What? -Nothing.
All right.
For my second wish...
We kill the vizier.
You can't use a wish to end a life, that's impossible.
-Sorry. -Ok, I want to go home to Baghdad.
Great! Your address?
The street.
Ok, but what street? What number?
It depends, I sleep on one street, then on another...
I get it!
-No fixed kasbah, is that it? -Yeah.
All right!
What I can offer you
for one extra wish... Just one!
I can build you a little palace outside Baghdad.
No.
Please!
I've spent my life in a lamp, understand?
I don't want to live on the streets.
Ok, for free!
How's this for a dream palace?
So, ma home, ma roof, my nigga.
No briefs lying around,
no smelly socks, ok?
None of that because I might bring a chick or two home.
I'd love to see that beautiful stranger...
Beautiful stranger?
Wow, a brunette!
-A beautiful brunette. Bravo! -Yeah.
A brunette with boobs.
-This is-- -You're totally useless.
Is this the one?
Yes, that's her! You're a real genius, genie!
And you're an Aladdin.
Princess, t
he sultan has sent you Kamel, a eunuch,
to prepare you for your wedding.
Kamel Toe at your service.
What's wrong?
Even though I'll marry the vizier's nephew,
I still think of that stranger who died in the desert.
Alas,
his features are fading from my memory.
Moreover,
I’m inexperienced in the art of carnal pleasure.
How was your first time?
Princess, you offend me.
I'm unsullied by a man's touch.
You idiot!
The princess?
My beloved is the princess.
That'll be one wish!
-She remembers me. -She thinks you're dead.
-And she's marrying the vizier's nephew. -No!
Impossible.
She can't marry someone else.
We had something strong.
I hate the vizier.
He'll regret our paths crossed.
I can tell you're mad!
Cast out that damn vizier!
Damn vizier.
-Damn vizier! -Damn that evil vizier!
Vicious vizier! Look at yourself!
Damn vizier!
When you rule over...
When I rule over Baghdad, this place,
I'll raze the southwest area of the city
to make way for a huge shopping mall.
I've had it with bazaars.
What about the inhabitants?
Actually, I have a rehousing plan.
Each family has the right of access to property.
Because, in the long run, renting gets you nowhere.
Yes.
I can't keep a straight face.
Actually, we'll evict them and sell them as slaves abroad.
-All right! -Of course.
-I mean... -I fell for it.
Really?
I like to have a laugh now and then.
Some people say you have no sense of humour!
Who says that?
No one.
We have to prevent this marriage.
I could make us invisible.
Not bad.
What do you have in mind?
We could go to the hammam.
To eye nude girls.
We slip behind them and they go, "What was that?"
-The wedding night is tonight. -Sorry.
I'll use a wish on the vizier's nephew.
Each time that damn nephew is with the princess...
Vizier's damn nephew!
...he'll only see her as someone...
ugly and repulsive.
Excellent!
Ugly and repulsive!
Yes, ugly and repulsive.
They aren't synonyms.
Am I early?
I know, Khalid, that custom is custom.
But I'd prefer us to take our time to get to know each other.
Yes, of course.
But I'm a stickler for custom.
Aren't you hungry?
I took the liberty of ordering sushi.
Listen.
I'm not hungry for food.
Khalid.
Let's not rush things.
On the contrary...
I'm eager to discover you without your veil.
Come here, nice and slow.
A problem?
No, but it is kind of pathetic,
pouncing on each other.
There's no rush, we're not animals.
Yes, that's right.
Then again...
We don't have to be so far apart to talk.
Of course, I'm just looking around.
Nice design. Eastern?
What's wrong? You seem uneasy all of a sudden.
Without my veil, would you relax?
I'm not sure.
How can I revive your passion?
What happened?
Was I wrong about you?
Are you a shirt-lifter?
Not at all, uncle, but the princess is...
How can I put it... She's disgusting!
A bird relieved itself in your retina?
-What? -You have shit in your eyes?
-No. -Shut up!
You're no use to me!
I had a tricky moment, but I'll make up for it.
The nephew couldn't honour the princess!
Spread the rumour that a rich prince has arrived in the city.
I'll spread the news myself.
The people need hope.
Ok, I made that last part up.
I wasn't too sure.
-Open up or your maid loses her head! -Here we go again.
Father, leave me alone with my sorrow and shame!
Dispel these unpleasant thoughts.
No beauty is comparable to yours.
-Majesty, may I ask-- -Shut up!
Your nephew has humiliated my poor girl!
I'm inconsolable!
-What's that? -I don't know.
-Shit, what luck! -A coin!
Hold this.
Rababa, cover for me!
What? No!
Baghdad, here I come!
And who'll get beheaded?
So men like me.
Your breast's hanging out.
Shit! Thank you.
Where's everyone going?
We're all going to a "meeting"
held by the emissary of this seemingly rich prince.
Your master, this seemingly rich prince,
is going to ask for the princess's hand?
He won't be the first to try.
Perhaps! But my prince is different.
He has come to bring you a new idea:
democracy.
So what is democracy?
It's a place
where everyone can find fulfilment
and contribute to the good of the community
by paying a single annual tax.
Excuse me, I have one brief question.
-Ok. -Good evening.
What calculation will the new tax be based on?
-He's right! -Yes! Thank you.
That's a very good question, young Baghdadi!
This tax will be based on each person's income.
But democracy is more.
Democracy is above all the freedom of speech,
to say what you think or want, unless it's too extreme--
Hold on, emissary of this seemingly rich prince.
Emissary will do.
Can you spell democracy for me?
What?
-Will that help things along? -Yes!
-Ok. D-E... -Hold on.
M-O-C-R-A-C-Y. There!
-So democracy-- -Emissary?
That's democra-see! With a "C".
I noted it down!
Yes, it's pronounced "see", but written with a "C".
With "see" is simpler.
Who cares?
It needs an "S" and two "Es", I'd say.
But it'd look weird!
Khalid was in a tight space.
Both his life and his virility were at stake.
How's it going, Limp Dick?
I'll show you who's a limp dick!
Hi, Limp Dick!
Princess, it's Khalid!
I had a tricky moment, but I'll get over it.
Open the door, please!
I don't want to see anyone!
I'll break the door down!
Why are you messing with my mind?
I thought we were all free to speak under democra-see!
Yes, everyone is free to speak under democracy.
That's the idea. Everyone but you, so shut up!
What impa-see-ence!
Do I even give a damn?
You bring it down to a debate over spelling?
When you're an oppressed people?
Shut up!
What now? I'm sick of you lot!
-Enough of this drivel! -How do you spell that?
-Hello. -Sorry, I don't think
the people of Baghdad are that unhappy!
Are you as blind as the princess locked away in the palace?
That's a bit harsh.
No, no, let her speak!
Perhaps...
Perhaps the princess...
Hold on, I'd like to chat about it over a drink!
Blue girl!
I'm never gonna score in this story...
Calm down! You know...
one man in five has problems before the age of 35.
It's perfectly normal.
What a divine scent!
Your royal skin exhales perfumes of a thousand gardens!
Khalid.
Let me kiss you.
Not here!
Ok, no problem.
I mean not in this room.
All right!
I know a secret, unknown little room.
We'll get more peace there.
If it's secret and unknown,
how do you know it?
Either we talk about it and you stay Limp Dick
or you shut up and follow me.
Sure.
Kasbah call!
BAGHDAD
Here comes the hot guy aka Aladdin
The big boss of all the Bedouin
Rich as any Byzantine king Bigger than the prince of bling
Tell the princess I'm in Baghdad
-Ok, sidi? -Man, your teeth are bad!
I'll drive her wild Unlike the vizier's nephew
He bombed with the princess A total snafu
The boss is here on a Berber flow
Aladdin's the name Run tell your mom, go!
You doubt I'm the boss? Check out my Turkish pants
And see the XXXXXL colossus With one glance
-Wallah, wallah! -What's up?
-Aladdin's here! -That's me!
Yallah, yallah!
Say what?
-So hot, so hot! -You bet!
-Wallah, wallah! -What's up?
-Aladdin's here! -That's me!
-Yallah, yallah! -Again!
-So hot, so hot! -Everyone!
Aladdin's here to hand out the cash
Ca-ca-ca-ca-cash
My gold for you in a flash
Fla-fla-fla-fla-flash
Prince of bling Hair like the Lion King
It ain't your thing? So try jogging
Want the same style as the caliph?
Drop in to see Abdelatif
I'll say out loud what everyone thinks
When the vizier exhales His breath stinks
-Wallah, wallah! -What's up?
-Aladdin's here! -That's me!
-Yallah, yallah! -Say what?
-So hot, so hot! -You bet!
-Wallah, wallah! -What's up?
-Aladdin's here! -That's me!
-Yallah, yallah! -Again!
-So hot, so hot! -Everyone!
-Wallah, wallah! -What's up?
-Aladdin's here! -That's me!
-Yallah, yallah! -Again!
-So hot, so hot! -You bet!
-Wallah, wallah! -What's up?
-Aladdin's here! -That's me!
-Yallah, yallah! -Again!
-So hot, so hot! -You bet!
Everyone!
Majesty, beware of these adventurers
passing themselves off as princes.
We must spare the princess.
Spare me from your family!
I'm curious to meet this prince.
So, seemingly rich young prince...
Young prince will do.
You're the one who claims to ease our people's suffering?
-The people are suffering? -Nonsense.
All I see is some flashy talker!
I agree!
You'll use such eyewash to win the one every prince desires?
Your nephew's poor performance shows that desire is fickle!
Limp Dick!
-What's that? -The new fire safety system.
Someone must be smoking somewhere.
It covers the palace?
The bedrooms too?
Those over 100 square feet.
Incredible!
It's the law.
What is this miracle?
-It's absurd! -What can I say?
And the young people leave.
-We're stifled by rules! -Take a young man--
A modern young man who wants to be a sultan.
Excuse me a second.
-In any case... -It's appalling!
...this young prince is not right for a princess.
So you're a prince?
Yes. Indeed I am!
From father to son. Prince from father to son.
-My grandfather was a prince too. -We know that!
So we understand correctly, are you really that rich?
Forgive me, I didn't hear the question.
Could you be the son I never had?
I don't think so.
But what do you have to offer that's so exceptional
to a woman who has everything to prove your love?
Let his majesty make a request, any request.
And his humble servant will carry it out.
-Well... -That's caught you off guard.
Yes, I wasn't expecting it.
-He wasn't expecting it! -If he'd told me...
Me!
A pony with wings!
Me!
A racing car!
Me!
A tablet full of free games!
Me!
A candy machine!
Yeah! A candy machine!
A candy machine!
The sultan would like...
a candy machine.
There.
This machine?
The most beautiful machine ever!
-It's sorcery! -Shut the hell up!
See you again, I hope.
Of course, princess!
How can I describe the divine experience I just had?
I blew her apart!
You have chocolates?
Of course, madam.
Daughter!
It's going to be delicious!
-Princess. -Thank you.
It's so good!
-Dad will love it. -Who's she?
The princess.
Where's Rababa, my maid? I can't find her!
Ok, I get it. I screwed the help.
The vizier and Khalid met in the secret, unknown room
for a meeting that was... secret and unknown.
So everyone knows this secret, unknown room?
Listen carefully.
The princess will marry this seemingly rich prince.
-He's smarter. -Ask the maid.
-What? -Nothing.
I've been thinking hard.
With the prince, marriage.
Without the prince, no marriage.
So you eliminate the young prince.
You've been thinking hard?
Genie, will you come out and stop sulking?
Nah!
Since Mr Aladdin would rather sing alone on his float,
I'm staying out of it.
Want to use your last wish?
-I just want to chat. -Chat?
-As pals. -Sure, pals.
As a prince, I won't have time for it.
"As a prince, I won't have time for it."
Come on, you're the only genie I know who'd rather stay in his lamp.
Ok, the genie's a jerk.
"Ok, the genie's a jerk."
What? Takes one to know one! Aladdin's a jerk.
I mean, I'm sorry, but...
If you look at yourself...
Try looking at yourself, when you're squirming about...
Aladdin? It's me, Khalid!
Khalid?
It's you?
So I arrive at the palace. That was wild.
I meet the sultan, a fat guy who eats all the time...
...in a buried palace to fetch a lamp.
As I was smart...
I had to play the flute to make the rope rise.
I put the flute in...
And she didn't move.
But that's ok.
I did this long slide, then grabbed the pole...
"It's me, it's me," and I hand out the cash...
-I'm not keen on your hair. -What?
Why do you want to marry the princess?
I tried. She's gross.
I told you, one of my wishes was that she'd seem ugly to you.
So I'm Limp Dick thanks to you?
Yes!
Don't worry,
we'll end this stinking vizier's reign!
Traitors!
Vizier, how dare you?
Leave my home!
-I'm the sultan's guest of honour. -False!
A seemingly rich prince is his guest of honour.
Not some common thief called Ali Baba!
Aladdin.
Not some common thief called Aladdin.
-He who utters such lies is-- -A magician?
I told you we'd meet again!
This is the guy I told you about!
The loser with wandering hands!
-No, that's not me! -It is you.
Desert nights can be cold--
That's enough! Guards, seize them!
-Who? Us? -Yes, you.
The lamp!
Khalid.
The lamp, Limp Dick!
Thank you.
What?
I just found the laugh!
There you go.
You know, children, stealing is wrong.
And lying is useless.
You can't build a relationship on lies.
And that's how Aladdin...
lost Shallia.
Santa, it's not over yet.
He has to fight the vizier.
-What about the princess? -Khalid has to be nice again!
Can you finish, please?
Finish the story!
Yes, you have to finish it.
Aladdin?
Aladdin, is it you?
Princess?
I heard a cry.
Not me. Must have been the guy next door.
So what's new?
The vizier is having you executed tomorrow.
Right.
Princess,
I have to confess.
-I'm not who you think I am. -I know.
Princess...
Sorry for the lies.
If I have disappointed you,
I deserve my...
You must flee the realm.
Yeah.
Ok, cool.
No!
No, not ok.
I must recover the lamp
and rid Baghdad of the vizier!
You'll never get close to the vizier.
But he won't suspect me.
What? No!
Princess!
That kiss was a total blast.
"Slide to unlock the lamp."
Why won't it work?
Aladdin must have protected the lamp.
I think we need the code.
Hypnotize him and get the code out of him.
Then I'll become the master of the lamp!
I won't lie to you, I'm not exactly the world's best hypnotist.
So what use are you?
We're like two kids plotting stuff.
What's happening to us?
Vizier?
To what do I owe this visit?
I'm weary of Khalid and Aladdin's company.
They're just boys, too young and too immature.
You intrigue me, princess.
Neither one seems worthy.
How did you reach that conclusion?
One's known as Limp Dick.
True.
To take the throne one day...
I need a more powerful man.
A more mysterious one too.
No.
Aladdin.
Aladdin!
-Forgive me, my brother! -Ok, I forgive you.
-Aladdin! -Hurry!
You won't get away now.
My father will have your head.
Think of your own!
Let go of the vizier.
Anyone else joining us?
No, I'm the last one.
Ok.
Give me the... Aren't you dead?
Love is more powerful than death.
-Cut it out! -Our bond is strong.
Get lost!
-Me? -Yes!
-Now? -Exactly!
-That way? -That's right.
-I'll see you later? -Move it!
Stop that. Give me the code for the lamp!
-Let go of her! -Good idea.
No!
No, don't let go!
Do I or don't I?
No, yes, no.
-Not now. -The code then.
No, Aladdin.
We'll say you killed her for refusing the love of a petty thief.
No!
Pity, you'd have made better use of her than that fool Khalid.
Traitor!
I welcomed you like a son!
Like a nephew, you mean!
Khalid!
I'll destroy you.
And then I'll annihilate that blubberguts of a sultan.
And I'll reign over Baghdad!
You hear me?
Yes, I hear you!
My beloved sultan, how are you?
-Funny enough, I was just-- -He's the traitor!
Very good! Off with Rababa's head!
Why?
Force of habit!
Each time you get mad, it's my fault!
Sorry.
-Grab that worm of a vizier! -Never!
Come on, come on!
Ok, ok, give me a second. All right...
The vizier fled on his flying cape.
But Aladdin quickly found a flying carpet lying in the room
and chased the vizier across Baghdad.
The vizier passed over a house. Aladdin too.
Aladdin even jumped onto the vizier's flying cape!
And they started fighting!
The vizier tried to draw his sword
and he started going like this, see?
The vizier tried to grab Aladdin.
Aladdin dodged him and did a double dodge, like this.
The vizier cried: "I'll show you my secret weapon!"
"So show me!" And the vizier breathed in his face.
The vizier's breath was so bad
Aladdin went "Oooh" and fell from the vizier's cape!
But Aladdin was smart.
He landed on his carpet just below.
He grabbed a thread of the cape
and it unravelled!
The vizier's cape went like this...
and he hit the ground like a turd.
If Aladdin were a movie, I'd love to see that.
-Really? -Yes.
I'm not keen on special effects.
And then...
You are valiant. The two of us could rule over Baghdad.
Join me on the dark side.
-Where's that? -Just there.
Right, you can't see much!
Take that!
Here! Take that!
What are you getting at exactly?
I want to show you
I too was born poor in the Baghdad suburbs.
I started out as a street entertainer.
We're not that different.
We are different.
Very different.
Aladdin.
I'm your father.
What?
Yes, I'm your father.
-No. -I am.
No.
No!
Hold on.
My dad died when I was five,
but I know what he looked like.
This is bullshit!
Ok, all right.
"Ok, all right"?
If you don't like the concept, we move on.
If you'd said, "I'm your cousin" or "I'm your uncle"...
-Prepare to die! -Wait!
What now?
I'm your son.
-That's not true. -It is.
How about that!
Come to my arms, my son!
Dad!
You dissed my "I'm your father/I'm your son" plan.
But it worked great for you!
In Baghdad, Khalid had been...
saved again.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It's my job.
I'm a doctor, so...
"Yes, I'm your son",
when you aren't!
Excellent! I'm proud of you!
You defeated the vizier
without black magic.
I wanted to keep my last wish.
Exactly, you have one left!
So, want to stay a prince forever
or get your teeth fixed because they're kind of--
I already know what I want.
Order and I'll obey.
-For my last wish... -Yes?
I'd like to free you, my friend.
Yes.
What?
Careful, Aladdin, that's no laughing matter.
It's no laughing matter, because I'm moved.
Stop it, if you start crying, I'll start crying too.
You don't know how to cry?
-You can't cry? -I can.
-You can't. -I'm discovering emotions.
-I'm free! -You're free.
What?
Nothing, but...
You renounced eternal splendour for this?
Get this guy...
What's your problem with this?
This is me, pal!
This is how I am, ok?
The suit doesn't make you a prince,
nor the hair and all the rest.
Prince is in the mind, it's in the soul.
Think you're respected 'cos you have fancy clothes?
It's 'cos you have charisma!
I give off charisma, pal, I'm the sunny type.
I even burnt a chick once standing too close to her.
I turned on the charisma and she got burned all over.
Her whole face too.
Take off the suit and see if you're respected.
If the chicks respect you, fine.
The guy's a prince, I respect him.
But if it's just talk, with blow-dried hair and fancy gems.
-Right or wrong? -Right.
-Gimme five! -We're brothers.
Sorry, that's too high.
Sultan, I stand here today before you
-to show myself as-- -Sam, what's going on?
Huh?
What're you doing?
Sorry, my colleague will tell you the end of the story.
-What? -What?
We do this job together.
Finish or you're fired!
Sorry.
-Hey, Second Santa. -What, Al Beano?
Can you tell us the end of the story?
It brings luck...
PLEASURE THROUGH ABSTINENCE
He's right.
Barbara, can you get the ice from the garage freezer?
Hey, I'm not your maid!
-Fetch the ice... -Please!
Ok, I'm going.
Sofia, it hurts me to see you like this.
Sam doesn't make you happy.
You should spend a weekend in my chalet in Courchevel.
A bit of skiing, a bit of grilled cheese.
Stop flirting with my daughter.
Have you brought me the company accounts?
The accounts interest you?
You're right, who cares.
And your trader works on Christmas Eve.
-Dad, it's complicated. -No, it's Christmas.
Look who I found outside.
Good evening.
-He's in fancy dress? -Dad!
Sofia, can we talk?
Listen.
I don't really work in finance.
I don't have a place of my own.
My apartment isn't being renovated
nor do I fund relief work.
I've never been nominated for the Nobel Prize for finance.
Telling stories to children in a store is a beautiful job.
Hi.
Khalid? What are you doing here?
I'm pretty useless at stories
and they wanted to know how it ended...
Hiya, we're all here!
Hi, Sabrina.
Barbara.
I love you.
You do?
Please, Santa, tell us the end!
Tell us the end!
All right, calm down.
The end of the story.
So...
Sultan,
I stand here today before you
to show my true self.
A thief from a Baghdad hovel, without a title...
Forget that. Are you rich at least?
...nor wealth.
This looks bad.
What do I care for wealth?
If his heart is noble and he is honest,
he deserves my love!
My heart is noble.
-What was the other one? -Honest.
My heart is noble.
The sultan stood up.
Or maybe he didn't.
And then he...
I'll tell them the end, ok?
So, the sultan stood up.
-Right... -And said...
If my daughter is happy to marry the modest
but valiant Aladdin who has freed us from that foul vizier,
then so be it!
They're cute, aren't they?
Come on, stop sulking!
Let's eat, or we'll end up celebrating the New Year instead!
Khalid, my brother!
How did you persuade the parents to let you bring them?
-What parents? -What do you mean, what parents?
-Cut it out! -Are you crazy?
-Get lost! -You're crazy, you brought the kids...
I didn't know they had parents!
-You asked to see me? -Yes.
I'm listening.
Shallia,
I'm your father.
It was worth trying.
-Dad! Come and see! -No, don't bother.
-Come on! Vizier, do it again! -No.
-Please! -Hello. No.
-Come on! -Vizier! Vizier!
Do it!
Shallia,
I'm your father.
The jerk!
Stop!
Stand aside.
Vizier,
I'm your father.
Dad?
I have a joke to tell you.
Shallia,
I'm your father.
Yes, I know.
Obviously, it doesn't work with me.