.
- Attention shoppers.
It's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air,
along with dust, pet dander, and toxic mold spores,
so pick up a SuperCloud air purifier and convince yourself
it's making a difference,
which it's not, 'cause it's just a fan.
- Excuse me, everyone. - Dude.
You know what? I don't care.
- Two Aprils ago, I was new here,
and someone special came over to help me on register.
And, Lisa, you didn't just bag groceries.
You bagged my heart.
- Ooh, this is a bad idea.
- Lisa Beth-Ann Donatella Lopez-Fitzgerald,
if you'll make me the luckiest man in St. Louis,
I'll show you the time of your life.
["(I've Had) The Time of My Life" by Mickey & Sylvia plays]
- * I've been waiting for so long *
- This makes me genuinely sad.
- Flash mob proposals are so lame.
Except for the one that Bo did for you.
That was unique and very cool. - Yeah.
- Yeah, but flash mobs stopped being cool, like, a year ago.
- Yeah, they were cool one year ago.
both: * Now with passion in our eyes there's no way... *
- Where's Lisa? We need Lisa.
- Where the [bleep] is Lisa?
- She's in the bathroom.
- Is it a quick bathroom break or more
of a hunker-down-watch- YouTube-videos situation?
- Hard to say. Her body language going in--
oh, wait, here-- [clears throat]
- * Just remember
- * You're the one thing
- Go back. Go back. Places, places.
- Oh, God. Not again. - Oh, wow.
- Take two, dude.
[upbeat music]
*
- Front of store on the left.
- Amy, Amy. - Yeah.
- Tell me, do you think that Brett and Brittany
would be good together?
I mean, it feels like there's chemistry there,
but it might just be the alliteration.
- What, like, together-together? - Yeah, yeah.
- I don't know. Why?
- 'Cause I hired Miles and Lisa, and now they're in love.
You know, so I thought maybe there's some other sad singles
who'd like to get bitten by Cupid.
- An arrow. I think Cupid has an arrow.
- And he bites.
- And I don't think that it's a good idea to go
setting people up around work.
- Are you down on love because of your bad marriage?
- No, I just don't think people come here to find love.
This is a workplace, not Match.com.
- What's Match.com?
- It's like Christian Mingle, but for everyone.
- Oh! That is such a good idea.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sure it's her.
- Well, there's definite similarities.
Slightly different BMIs, but she could be on
one of those crash diets.
- So what do we do next? Do we--do we call the cops?
Do we bust her ourselves?
- [laughs] Easy, Cagney.
We have to catch her in the act.
Now, I'd have my plainclothes guy tail her,
but Tuesday's his day off.
Ah, I wonder what he wears on his day off.
Fancy clothes probably.
- I could do it.
I've always wanted to go undercover.
- [laughs] You?
Okay, yeah, you're way underqualified.
- What do you need to be qualified?
- You need to watch a video.
- I could watch a video.
- You could watch a video.
- You guys, look what Jeff just sent me.
"My precious treasure,
"words cannot express my love for you.
"And I love seeing you naked, because it's really good.
Love, Mr. Man."
- Wow, Jeff sent you those.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's, like, a hundred-dollar bouquet.
- Yeah, or, like, 140.
- Seems so weird he'd send you a gift at work when your
relationship is supposed to be secret.
- I guess he really loves me, huh?
- Yeah. - Hey, Heather.
Look what Jeff just sent me.
- Oh, we need more tissue paper.
- What's wrong with him?
- Well, it's because of a reason that I--I can't tell you.
- Hmm, I actually don't care, so--
- Mateo's the one dating Jeff, okay?
And Sandra is just making it up to get attention.
- So Sandra has a fake boyfriend,
she sent herself flowers, and Mateo is dating Jeff?
- Yeah.
- This a quality Tuesday.
- * Four, repeat steps one through three *
* Five, make you fall in love with me *
[balloon pops] - Oh!
- Hello.
Welcome to Cloud 9.
And you must be the little princess we've been expecting.
Right this way, Your Highness.
[chuckles]
M... [stammering]
- Hey, Arthur, I might be totally off base here,
but do you have a crush on Myrtle?
- Oh, no. I--
well, maybe just a little crush.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- I like to imagine the two of us together someday
feeding the ducks... - Ohh.
- Watching the ducks.
It doesn't have to be ducks.
- No. It can be ducks.
- You're doing great.
Good, good, good.
Just keep thinking, "Customer, customer.
I'm shopping as a customer."
- Okay, okay, thank you. - All right.
- Hey, Jonah.
Do you think Elias and Pauline would be good together,
or am I just projecting Laurel and Hardy?
- I think you have me confused with someone else.
- Oh, wow. I'm--I'm so sorry.
I--you look exactly like someone who works here.
I'm so sorry.
Wow, it's uncanny.
- And Bo's parents are out of town,
so everyone's just gonna get waa-sted.
What about you? Any hot Valentine's Day plans?
- No, probably sit in the park, feed the ducks.
- Ohh, that's so old person.
You can come if you want, but it's bring your own nitrous.
- Hey, Myrtle, do you date anymore?
- No, but if you know someone nice,
set me up.
He doesn't even have to be white.
- * Girl it's plain to see
* That you're the only one for me *
- Arthur, we're switching things up a bit today.
I'm gonna have you tackle Womenswear with Myrtle,
and Cheyenne here is gonna take your post.
- You want me to be a greeter?
I'm not trained in that.
- You'll be fine. I believe in you.
- Hello. Welcome to Cloud 9.
.
- Come on, you two. Talk to each other.
It's not like either one of you have that much time left.
- Hey. Oh, what is Arthur doing in Womenswear?
He's confused again.
I'll go fix it. - No, no.
No, Glenn, I put him there.
- Why?
- You know, just to mix things up,
give people an opportunity to work with other people and...
- Oh, I see.
It's wrong when I try to do matchmaking,
but you get to whip out the fangs, huh?
- What fangs? - Cupid's fangs.
- Glenn, again, an arrow. Never mind.
Look, this is different.
They're really perfect for each other.
- They are. They're both old.
- Yeah, and there's, like, this whole duck thing,
but mostly they're old.
- Why aren't they talking to each other?
- I don't know. He's really shy.
It's like they need a bigger push.
- Yeah. Oh, hey, you see that guy?
You think that's Jonah, right?
It's not.
- [laughs]
This is so embarrassing.
I always tell him, "Jeff, you're gift enough for me,"
but he won't listen.
- I'm not much of a romantic, but this is special stuff.
- Whatever.
Do you know how many babies choke on balloons
and die every year?
I don't know, but it seems like a few would.
- I'm just happy for Sandra.
I mean, can you imagine what it's like to have what she has?
I mean, just to have a connection like that
with someone.
I bet Jeff just loves it.
- 30. 30 babies die.
- [exhales]
[drone whirring]
- Oh! - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, no, happens all the time.
Someone flies a drone into my head.
- Are you sure? 'Cause I can give you a ride to the hospital.
- No way. I've seen how you drive.
- Well, I--I mean, I'm better with the--the four wheels.
- Yeah, I'd hope so.
[groans]
This is why people hate Valentine's Day,
you know, drone strikes.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
- Oh, welcome to Cloud 9.
Welcome to Cloud 9.
Cloud 9 welcomes you.
[laughs]
- * God must have spent
* A little more time on you
* On you
- That's right, chat her up.
Just a normal person having a normal conversation.
Speak, listen, speak, listen.
- Ooh, look at him getting some on V-Day.
- What are you talking about?
He is undercover.
He's just building a rapport with the suspect.
I mean, that's why they're talking and laughing so much,
standing so close.
He just touched her elbow with his hand.
- Anyway, do you want to... - Huh.
- She's late, like-- - There she is.
[clears throat]
Hey, Myrtle. Break time already, huh?
- Uh-huh.
- I love break time, great time to kick back and see what's in
the old locker, huh?
- Wh--what you got there?
- I don't think this is my locker.
- Yeah, it is.
It just looks like someone left you some flowers and chocolates
and a duck.
- Wow. Who's it from?
- Well, look. Look for a card.
Just look around. Look--
look under that sweater.
No, not your sweater. He's not a magician.
- It's from Arthur.
- Oh. - Ohh.
That's so sweet of him. - That's so nice.
- * And he rocks in the tree tops all day long *
- [sobbing] - Ohh.
You don't have to cry, sweetie.
- He won't leave me alone.
Why won't he leave me alone?
[whimpers] Aah!
- * Go rockin' robin
.
- So Myrtle has filed sexual harassment complaints against
Arthur as well as the two of you.
- That's crazy.
We didn't harass her.
- She's alleging that you used your positions of authority to
force her to work with an employee in hopes of engaging
in a physical relationship with him.
And she also claims you broke into her locker.
Now, what's your side of the story?
- Um, factually similar.
- Yeah, but you can prove anything with facts.
I mean, Darwin--
- She goes on to say that he made lewd and profane comments.
- Arthur? He's so sweet.
- We had no idea what he was saying to her.
The security cameras don't have sound.
- I'm sorry, are you saying that you were spying
on them as well?
- No, spying makes it sound like
we were trying to get information.
We were just watching them for our own pleasure.
- Stop talking, Glenn.
- Welcome to Cloud 9.
Welcome to Cloud 9.
Hey, it's Cloud 9 up in here. [laughs]
- Jeff got her a watch.
I would have liked a watch.
- But she sent it to herself.
- Yeah, I know she sent it to herself.
I'm not stupid.
- You know, it's just sad that she feels the need to--
- White gold?
Oh, my God. That's her favorite.
It's like he knows exactly what she wants.
- Ohh.
- I thought space camp was just gonna be all moon rocks
and astronaut ice cream, but it was basically
just a bunch of science classes.
- But still, I'm--that's-- I'm so jealous of that.
- Really? - Yes, it's incredible.
Meanwhile, according to the absurd amount of decorations
in this store, I guess it's Valentine's Day.
- Oh. - Did you--
did you see any of this?
- No, I hadn't noticed.
- So do you--do you have any plans or...
- Actually, yeah, I'm going to an MMA fight with my boyfriend.
Yeah, he's that muscly guy right over there.
- Oh.
Oh, I didn't-- - So gullible!
- I am gullible. - Yes.
- So are you--are you free or...
- Yeah, I'm free.
- She's not the shoplifter.
- Really? Because you were so certain of it earlier.
I mean, you had that dance-y energy you get.
- Oh, no, no, no. That was just--
I had an extra shot in my cold brew this morning.
But seeing her up close, the chin, the nose,
that's a different person.
- Huh, well,
I can't think of any reason why you'd want to lie.
So I guess you're officially off the case.
Thank you for your service.
- It was an honor and a pleasure.
- Attention shoppers.
We just received a song dedication.
This one goes out to "Sandra, my one and only.
"Happy Valentine's Day, boo.
Love, your Mr. Man."
["I Wanna Get Next to You" by Rose Royce plays]
- * Sitting here
* In this chair
*
- Hi, Myrtle.
Look, I just-- I want to say I'm sorry.
I was totally out of line.
- He was saying such filth, how much he liked my sweater.
- Oh, well, is that really that bad?
- He meant he liked what's under my sweater.
- Okay, maybe, but maybe-- I don't know--
it is possible that you misunderstood what he said or--
- Oh, blame the victim.
She's blaming the victim!
- No, no, no, no.
I'm not blaming anyone.
I'm just saying that maybe he wasn't harassing you.
It is a very nice sweater.
- It shouldn't matter what she's wearing.
- I'm sorry. Who asked you to get involved?
- Sexual harassment involves us all.
- Okay, this isn't sexual--
okay, I was just trying to set her up for a date.
- Intent is irrelevant.
- Seriously, who are you people?
- Oh, we're not together.
- Oh, oh, 'cause a woman couldn't possible be out on her
own without a big, strong man, 'cause then she'd be a slut!
- Okay, none of you know the story.
She asked me to set her up, so I set her up.
She was asking me for it.
She asked for it.
[both gasp]
- Sexual harassment.
At what point is it inappropriate?
.
- If it starts in the break room,
it shouldn't end in the bedroom.
- He's totally thinking about boning Sandra right now.
- No, he's not.
- And fewer lawsuits equals more revenue for Cloud 9,
which benefits all of us.
- I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, Michelle.
- Oh, M.C. Cool Cloud, you are all right.
- Does anybody have any questions?
- No, I think we're all set here.
- Well, you can't take love out of the workplace.
- Oh, God, kill me now.
- What about Miles and Lisa?
If it was up to you, they never would have gotten together.
And then the children they're gonna have
would never have been born.
- Oh, we're-- we're not having kids.
- What? - No one is saying
you can't ever date somebody you work with.
Just be careful not to make unwanted advances.
- So you can't ask someone out unless you know they like you?
But then you don't know if someone likes you
unless you ask them out, so that's, like, a catch-22.
- Whoa, well done.
- Oh, I've been studying for the SATs.
It's been a very extrapolatory experience.
- Okay, what we need is a database.
Everybody write down all the employees you're attracted to.
Totally confidential.
I will compile a spreadsheet of any matches
and post it above the microwave.
- Nope, we're not doing that.
Let's just say that if you ask somebody out,
and they say no, move on.
- What if she just says no
because she has plans that night?
Can you ask her out again for a different night?
- I guess. I mean, it depends. Does she really have plans,
or is she politely telling you she's not interested?
- Which one is it, Sarah? - It's the second one.
- [scoffs] Whatever.
I was just asking as a joke anyway.
- Without kids, what's the point of life?
- I can't believe you'd want to bring someone
into this crazy world.
- Sometimes people do change their minds.
I mean, I met Jerusha when we were both working
at my father's hardware store.
I asked her out every day for a year,
and then she said yes.
all: Aww.
- Yes. - Okay, actually,
that's called a systemic pattern of hostility.
It's, like, the number one thing you can't do.
- I got a question.
The actress in the video, does she get paid per video,
or is it more of a flat rate for the whole day kind of thing?
- My guess is flat rate.
- Can ignoring someone you're dating
be considered harassment?
- I don't think so. - Of course you don't.
- I'm--I'm just not explaining it right.
I wasn't harassing her.
She agreed to go out with me because my father threatened
to fire her if she didn't.
- Myrtle, I'm so sorry.
It was wrong to harass you, and if you want,
I will quit right now.
- No, no, no. - Yes, quit.
- Arthur is a lovely guy.
He was just trying to compliment you.
- That's all it is!
I like your sweater, and I think you're pretty.
- Ohh. - And I love how your sweater
cleaves tight against your breasts.
- Arthur, no. - Gross, dude.
She's, like, 100.
- Okay, this is actually making things worse.
- It's not always harassment.
I mean, Jerusha and I got married.
- Oh, so it's not harassment if you marry them?
- Oh, God, what have I done?
- They're like two little robin's eggs all bundled up
in a bird's nest.
- Stop. - Found her on IMDB.
She was on "NCIS." She played "Lady in Pool."
Acting life is tough.
- * All I want to do is make love to you *
* I've got lovin' arms to--
- So right in here is where I saw the feces swastika.
- Okay.
- Happy Valentine's Day, baby.
- Mm, yeah, you too.
- Oh, all right, well, there you go.
- Oh, you didn't have to get me anything.
- It's a keychain. - Thank you.
- 'Cause you're always losing your keys.
- Ahh, what a small, thoughtful...small gift.
- Are you angry at me?
'Cause I'm not ignoring you.
I just don't think everybody at work needs to know
you're my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- I'm your boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you've never called me that before.
Boyfriend is way better than the keychain.
- So what did you get me?
- I'm sorry. I've been dealing with a lot of drama today.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, no, that's all right.
- Yeah. - Sure.
Sure, so...
- Anyway, I was convinced that I was gonna be the president
of the thespians, but then Steve Luber got it.
- What? - And he was in, like,
three plays.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Did you get what I sent you in for, or did you get distracted?
Men, right?
- Hey, wh--who--
- Look, Tyler and Megan are in the car.
- Oh, you're married? - No, no, no, no, no.
Those are not my kids.
Those are your kids with your boyfriend.
- How dare you!
You are the closest thing those kids have had to a father
since he died at war.
- Fighting for the other side, and we are not married!
- I never signed any divorce papers!
- You don't remember you signed them
because of your drinking problem!
- I drink because of you!
- You don't--
great, now she's gone.
Why would you do that?
- You put your personal libido in front of busting a thief.
- She's not a thief!
She--oh, my God. My wallet's gone.
- There you go. - Oh, wait, no, no.
It's in the other pocket.
My chiropractor told me to switch it up.
- Jerusha, our whole marriage
is based on a sex crime.
No, no, no, you only think you love me.
You were my victim!
- Ooh, he got her puppies too?
I'm not a big Valentine's Day guy, but Jeff and Sandra are--
- Jandra.
We should call them Jandra.
[puppies barking]
Puppies!
Hi!
Ohh!
- Why does everybody want to [bleep] Jeff?
- Oh, hey, if you've got plans tonight, you can head out.
I'm fine to finish this up.
- No, I'm good.
No plans for me.
- Yeah, me neither.
- Oh!
Wow, you are not messing around.
[rock music]
*
- Aah! [grunts]
[balloons popping]
Yah!
Aah!
- [grunts]
- What is wrong with you?
Ugh! Coconut.
- I got caramel.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
Happy Valentine's Day, by the way.
- Oh, yeah.
Happy Valentine's Day.
[light quirky music]
*