.
[Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" playing]
*
- * Oh, whoa, whoa
* Oh
- I don't get it. Is he transferring or dying?
- Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible.
- Oh, I didn't make it. Mateo did.
[all exclaim] - That makes sense.
- Shh! Pay attention.
What am I gonna miss the most?
Uh, the people?
They're salt of the Earth.
Simple, basic. Just sort of harmless.
Am I scared? [scoffs]
Of course I'm scared.
- Wait, so, um, who's asking you these questions?
- Uh...
*
- Whoa.
- That is not your chest. - Yes it is.
- Then take off your shirt.
- I had a big breakfast.
My advice?
I guess it would be leaving every place you work at
a little bit better than when you found it.
Did I do that here? Who can say?
Yes.
I think I did.
- Well, that was a massive waste of time.
- Okay, moving on.
We have not had a tornado drill
in eight years, so we really should--
- I started this journey
as a small child in the Philippines...
[all groaning]
[upbeat music]
*
[quirky music]
- So the tub faucet is now working,
but the drain is clogged with-- I'm gonna say fur, not hair.
Oh, hold on just one second, please.
Guys, corporate is coming down on employee fraternization
due to a recent incident.
- The incident of you having gay sex with Mateo?
- I'm not at liberty to say.
And we actually just call it sex.
Uh, but the point is, since you two
have been recently intimate--
- Wait, does this mean we gotta transfer too?
- Oh, no, no way. I am just getting used to
the wet horse smell coming out of Elias's locker.
- Uh, no. Mateo only needs to transfer
because I'm at a district level.
Sorry, that sounded like I was bragging.
- No it didn't. - Okay, the point is,
I just need you guys to fill out these disclosure forms for me.
Thank you. Hi, sorry about that.
So the phone in my hotel room, yes.
Sometimes when I'm on it, I hear somebody breathing.
- This is where you'll be working?
It looks so different.
- It's a Cloud 9 Signature.
They have a beauty concierge, their produce is all organic,
and their cafe has never given anyone diarrhea.
- That is impressive. - How did you get
all these pictures of the store?
- It's on Yelp. - Ohh, yeah.
- It's a website where people post reviews.
- Wait, do you think our store has a Yelf?
- I'm sure we do.
- Ah, well, it's amazing how quickly
you all made this about you.
- Voila! - Oh, my God!
Look at that!
We're famous! 168 reviews.
- "Store's okay. I usually stop there
because it's on my way home."
- We're on his way home.
- Uh...
- Wait, stop!
"Cloud 9, more like Cloud 1, as in the one star I'm giving
because I can't give zero."
- Ha! He's a good writer.
- Glen, just ignore this.
That guy's a troll.
No, uh, no.
Uh, he's a full-sized human being,
non-mythical who writes mean things on the Internet.
- What? - Yeah, 99% of the Internet
is just people tearing other people down.
It's actually why I am considering
leaving social media. - Just do it, already.
Ugh, you don't get points for talking about it.
- My friend Corona sells her pee on the Internet.
- Hey, what'd you put for nature of relationship?
They only have "spouse," "family member," and "romantic."
- Yeah, I just marked romantic, basically because
it was the closest to where my pen already was.
- Okay, look. There is nothing romantic
about this relationship.
I have been very clear about that.
- Yeah, I agree with you. But we're not family members
and we're definitely not married, so...
- I'm calling Corporate.
- You've called Corporate so much
that you have memorized their number?
- You're gonna need to talk first.
Ask for extension 224.
If the operator hears my voice, she won't put me through.
- Yeah, extension 224, please.
Oh.
- Ha! I got through!
- You know, I feel kinda bad that I got promoted
and you guys didn't.
- Oh, is getting transferred
because you're sleeping with Jeff considered a promotion?
- [mouthing] He's so jealous.
- [mouthing] I know.
- Hey, there you are. - Hey.
- Got your transfer paperwork right here.
So just go ahead and fill that out
and get it turned in to me with your Social Security card
and we're good to go. - Cool.
Um, I-I can actually just give you the number.
- Uh, no, they actually need to see the card these days.
They gotta run it through E-Verify.
Is that gonna be a problem? - No, no, no.
No, I just didn't realize this store was like Nazi Germany.
Ve must see your documents. Heil Hitler, Mein Fuhrer.
- Social Security card. - Great, no problem.
No--no problem.
- Do undocumented people have documents?
- No. No, we don't.
- Oh.
So, like, won't that be an issue?
.
- So...that's it.
Corporate's gonna find out that my documents are fake.
I'm gonna get deported.
And Jeff is gonna get back together with his ex.
Oh, congratulations, Chad. You win.
- You know what? Maybe you should try
talking to Jeff.
Maybe he could-- he could, like,
fudge the paperwork or something.
- Mm. - Great idea.
"Hey Jeff, you know how
"you're barely even allowed to date me?
Well, surprise, turns out you're also illegally employing me."
- And I'd marry you if I could.
But I'm supposed to marry Bo and he already bought a tie.
- That's okay. Thanks anyway.
- You know what?
Screw it. I'll do it.
I'll marry you.
- Ew.
- I don't understand the problem.
- The problem, Maureen, is you have boxes
for eight different types of "Pacific Islander,"
but only three for what this relationship is.
- Well, it's just for the files.
- It doesn't matter. Just check the box
and let's move on with our lives.
- Fine. Whatever.
- This doesn't mean that you're in love.
It's just saying that you're in a relationship
that entails some level
of mutual attraction and closeness.
- Maureen, we're gonna need to speak to your supervisor.
- Sometimes people ask me, "Hey, how'd you get
those light bulbs way up there?"
And the answer is: I don't know.
[laughs]
Oh, hey, Amy. This is Amy.
She's our intrepid floor supervisor.
Amy, this is him.
Frenchfryguy81.
- Tim.
- The troll who wrote the Yelp review.
- Oh, oh. No, I wouldn't call him that.
But--so, you invited him back?
- Yeah, I mean, I couldn't rest knowing there was
an unhappy customer out there who thinks that this place is,
you know, quote "a bleep show."
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I was probably having a pretty bad day
when I wrote that review. - Oh, we all come down
with a case of the crabs sometimes.
- That's an interesting choice of words.
- Yeah, anyway, I'm giving him the VIP tour.
Come on, I'll show you the giant trash compactor.
- Oh, that is the VIP tour. - Yeah.
- Have fun. - What else have you written?
- Uh, I once wrote a review of the Burger King down on Delmar.
- Oh, I would love to read that.
- So is the fear you'd be committing some kind of fraud?
- No, Robbie, Robbie. You're not listening to us.
- Let me break this down for everyone.
This is strictly sex. No one stays over
and we keep an even tally in terms of orgasms.
Actually, now that I think about it,
I owe you a--yeah. - I am well aware.
- This is T.J. from Legal.
I've only been on the call the last 36 minutes,
but I still think that the totality of the circumstances
points to a romantic relationship.
- Come on. - Mm, dude, no, man.
In a relationship, you know things about the other person.
I don't know anything about Dina, nor do I care to.
- The feeling's mutual. Where did I grow up?
- I don't know. Is my father dead or alive?
- [imitates buzzer] What is, "Don't care, Alex?"
- Guys, it's just a box.
- Actually, sorry to be a fly in the ointment,
but if there are absolutely no feelings of intimacy involved,
it could make things a little grayer, legally.
- Yes, that's our point. - Thank you.
- Well thank God we looped in T.J.
[knocking] - Hey, Glenn.
We found a muddy tire in Softlines.
Nobody knows how it got there and we don't know
what to do with it. - Yeah, okay, glad to hear.
- Glenn. - Hm?
Oh, sorry, I'm just responding to all these old reviews.
- Oh... - Like, in 2006,
this lady found a pool of vomit in Electronics.
"Dear Verna301,
we have cleaned up the vomit."
We have cleaned up the vomit, right?
- Yeah. I believe so.
- Wha-- [gasps]
Frenchfryguy81 updated his review!
"So the manager invited me back to the store
and tried to brainwash me with an hour-long propaganda tour."
"Pathetic man."
"Muppet voice."
Why would anyone write this?
- Because he likes complaining.
Don't engage. You won't win.
- Well, you can die trying.
[clacking keys]
- * Whispers at the bus stop
* Well, I've heard about
* Nights out in the school yard *
* I found out about you
- So we've got Robbie, T.J. from Legal,
Delores from Compliance, Mark from Operations,
and the whole team in Associate Relations.
Is everyone up to speed?
- Got it. - Yep.
- Sorry if I cut out. I'm on a cruise ship.
- I think what we're coming to here
is adding a fourth box. - Yes!
Yeah, that's all we're asking.
- Back on track.
- Okay, so what do we label the box?
- Um...
- Oh, uh...
- Like, uh, "Friends with Benefits"?
- Oh. I wouldn't say we're friends.
- Hmm, oh, so maybe more like a--
and apologies, Maureen-- but like "A Hate Effing Thing"?
Again, sorry, Maureen. - That's okay, T.J.
I'm a grown-up. - Yeah, you know what?
The thing is that I don't hate Dina.
Eh, I'm just more ambivalent.
- Yeah, almost like an apathy. - Maybe an apathy.
- Yeah, I could go with apathy.
[ship horn blares]
- Sorry, that's me. We're just pulling into port.
- So you're not a refugee.
You're not a special agricultural worker.
Any interest in joining the military?
- [sighs] Hm...
I don't trust myself with a weapon.
I would like killing too much.
- Oh, or you could just get beat up.
"Person may be eligible for a special U.N. visa
"if they are a victim of a violent crime,
such as an assault."
- That's crazy.
I can't believe that's real.
- So I would just need to get punched.
- No, it seems like you'd have to get your ass beat pretty bad.
- [sighs]
- Or, if you don't wanna get your ass beat,
I'm still willing to marry you.
- Oh, thank you, Jonah.
When you put it like that...
the ass beating doesn't sound so bad.
[quirky music]
.
- Hey, look at us. Two regular Joes,
enjoying some good old FFs, huh?
- Yeah. Thanks.
You really didn't have to do this.
- Well, I wanted to talk to you,
not just as a store manager.
You know, I'm also a human being.
Here.
Stupid.
- You get the...
Do you need-- do you need a hand?
- Hm?
No, no, no. It--it's symbolic.
- Look, I regretted that review as soon as I wrote it.
You were so nice before.
I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted.
- "So now this idiot drags me back a second time
to force feed me French fries and do a strip show"?
- I used to be a people person.
When I was at the hardware store,
I could cheer up any unhappy customer
with, like, a smile or a few words.
Or sometimes I'd slam my finger in the cash register as a joke.
- Ah, look, Glenn, you're still a people person.
- I wish the Internet had never been invented.
Although then Jerusha wouldn't be able
to buy her Chinese cigarettes.
[lively music playing]
*
- What the hell?
Why did you do that?
- 'Cause I felt like it.
What are you gonna do about it?
- All right.
I'm writing up a 32-50 on you.
And that's going in your file for life.
[vacuum whirring] - Your mom's a whore.
- I can't hear you. What did you say?
- Your mom is a whore!
- Okay, I'll get on that next.
- Hey, Brett. I'm mad at you, let's fight.
Ah! What? Put that away, you psycho!
Oh, my God!
Jesus.
- Oh, hello, Frenchfryguy81.
- What are you doing here? - We need to talk.
- Now's not a good time. - Why?
Are you busy spewing hateful things about good people
from the comfort of your own...
[tense music]
Home?
Uh... [clears throat]
Um...
- [coughing]
Timmy. Tim.
I need you to restart the "Quantum Leap" video.
- Mom, I'll take care of you in a minute.
- Oh, um, I--so...
- What about "Sexual Co-workers"?
- Awful. - Just say you don't care.
- What about "Friends with--" - Say "Friends with Benefits"
one more time and see what happens.
- I was gonna say "Friends with" something else.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- What were you gonna say?
- "Benefits." - Yeah.
Pathetic.
- My friends and I would say that you guys are just chilling.
- Wait, full-on sex is now considered just chilling?
- Uh-huh, and mouth stuff is hanging out,
and hand stuff is pretty much,
I like you but just as a friend.
- Hm. Wow, times have changed.
- Yeah.
- [coughs]
[tape rewinder whirring]
[coughing]
[whirring and coughing continue]
- Sorry, this will just be a couple of minutes.
- [clears throat]
- Come on! - No, I'm not gonna beat you up.
- Oh, so you'd just rather I get kicked out of the country?
I thought you were my friend.
- I am your friend.
That's why I offered to marry you.
- For the last time, I will not marry you, Jonah!
- I-I don't wanna marry him.
I just think that he should wanna marry me.
Never mind. Keep shopping.
- Look, I know you don't want to hurt me,
but not doing this is hurting me.
So...
if you're really my friend,
please, beat the hell out of me.
- Okay, let's do this.
Let's rumble.
- Oh.
- [grunts]
- Why are you stretching your legs?
- That's where the power comes from.
- Okay. How do you want to do this?
- Uh, I don't know.
I'm not really much of a fighter.
- I guess just start with a punch in the face?
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
Uh, uh...
Maybe--maybe close your eyes.
Yeah, just--yeah, okay, cool.
[sighs]
Uh, on second thought, open your eyes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Open?
- Okay.
Here it comes.
Here we go.
No, see, now you're just staring at me
and--and that's weird.
- [sighs] Oh, come on.
Uh, don't think of it as a hate crime.
- Well, I wasn't.
But now I am.
- You could just stomp on his head.
- Yeah, how about I just do this?
What if I just kind of go like this?
And you just sort of walk into it.
.
- Come on, just hit me. - I'm trying, okay?
Say something mean. - Like what?
- Um, I don't know.
Oh, say something mean about Beyoncé.
- [scoffs] I'd rather be deported.
- Mateo, it's not that easy to just punch somebody
that you're not fighting with.
- Fine. Then let's fight.
- Well-- - Come on.
- Okay, but I-- - Hit me, wuss.
- Well, I-I--we already-- - Come on, hit me.
- Well, I-- this is not necessary.
- Hit me. - I'd like--I'd like to hit you.
- Hit me.
- No--Mateo, my point-- - Hit me!
- Ow! - Oh!
[tense music]
- All right!
Now you go.
*
- I could tell he hit you hard because it's the only time
I've ever seen your hair move.
- I thought it was gonna be one of those
straight guy things where I hit you and you hit me back.
- Why isn't pacifism a straight guy thing?
- I don't know. It just isn't.
- So... what are you gonna do now?
- [sighs]
I don't know.
- Just--just talk to Jeff.
He cares about you. You'll--you'll work it out.
- Yeah, maybe.
- I'm sorry I didn't come through for you.
- Yeah, you really blew it.
- All right, we have been talking and--
- We'd like a fourth box added, labeled as "other."
- That's it? "Other"?
- We're very excited about "other," Maureen.
- Okay, fine. "Other" it is.
- Legal signs off. - Sounds good.
- I missed the Captain's dinner for this.
[line clicks] - All right.
"Other." - Hey, I'm happy with it.
Boom. - Did it!
- Hey, good job. - Yeah.
Okay.
- I'm gonna just go dock your pay,
'cause you should have been working all this time.
Slacker.
- You got bird seed in your hair.
- Shut up.
[rabbit squeaks]
- Did you give her the cookies?
- I gave them to her.
You don't have to eat those.
- Well, I can't because they're dominoes.
- Look, I haven't worked in six months.
GameStop said they were cutting back,
but then I went in there, and they hired four new girls.
So then I get on the computer,
where I'm the guy who can win for a change.
Oh, forget it. I'm not explaining it right.
- No, no. I get it.
I mean, it's not like my life is so terrific.
I have tons of debt. My marriage is struggling.
And it all feels like it's never gonna change.
[quirky music]
- Wow.
Your life sounds as bad as mine.
[rabbit squeaks]
- Uh-huh. - Timmy, one of the rabbits
is eating the other one.
- I'll get around to it, Ma!
[sighs]
*
You know, it feels like ages
since I've just sat and talked to somebody like this.
- Yeah. This is--this is nice.
- Friends?
- Friends.
- "And then this psycho stalker doesn't eat the cookies
my mom offered her."
You wouldn't eat the cookies?
- Well, they were dominoes.
The point is, he was as mean to me as he was to you.
- Oh, no, he's way meaner to you.
He says you're a munchkin. [laughs]
- Glad to see you're feeling better.
- He calls you "Lamey Amy."
Oh, that's clever.
He's a good writer.
- Jeff.
Jeff, wait. - Hey!
- Ah, a little celebratory dinner tonight?
I made us a reservation at the place with the fish tank.
- I can't transfer.
- What? Why?
- Uh... I just...
It's complicated, but I-- I just can't.
- All right, well, I mean, we talked about it.
I would transfer but there's...
- No, I'm not asking you to transfer.
- No, but I'm just saying, if this is about your career,
I totally get that. - It's not about the job.
- Okay, but it would be a lateral move at worst for you.
- Jeff, please listen to me. I just--I'm not...
I'm not...
in love with you.
- Oh.
I...uh...
Are you breaking up with me?
- I'm sorry. [sighs]
[solemn music]
*
- Are you okay?
- Not really.
I just--I don't know if I did the right thing--
- [gasps]
- Ha. I did it!
Whoo!
- Ulch. - Cheyenne, I did it.
- [moans] Oh.
- [panting]
You're welcome.