1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:01,472 . 2 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:02,402 - [whistling "We Wish You A Merry Christmas"] 3 00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:06,242 - Uh-uh, nope, not gonna happen. 4 00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:08,514 - Hey. Dina, is something wrong? 5 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,482 - You know the rules. No religious crap in the store. 6 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,581 - Religious cr-- Oh, this? 7 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,823 This is just a winter barn display. 8 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,389 - With a Baby Jesus and Three Wise Men? 9 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,548 - That is a normal barn baby 10 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,257 and three men of average intelligence. 11 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,330 No, below average. 12 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,528 No, average. 13 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,499 - Oh, wow. Well, I feel foolish. 14 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,299 - [scoffs] It's an honest mistake. 15 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,071 - I can't believe that I thought 16 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,400 this guy was a wise man. 17 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,804 [laughing] What a stupid, stupid dummy I am. 18 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,506 - You're not that stupid. 19 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,268 - I mean, I guess if this was someone from the Bible, 20 00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:43,038 you'd probably be pretty upset if I did this. 21 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,408 [statue thuds] 22 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,377 - Yeah, I probably would be. - Probably would be, yeah. 23 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,286 And I-I guess then you'd also be upset if I did this. 24 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,416 Oh! [laughs] 25 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,424 His head popped off. [both laugh] 26 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,326 - It's so much fun kicking them. 27 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,088 - Isn't it? - Yeah. 28 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:01,127 - Guess that brings us to this little gentleman. 29 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,262 - Okay, could you just-- 30 00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:03,556 - Born with a simple destiny... 31 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,227 to be punted across a Cloud 9 store. 32 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:09,567 - She...could...go... all...the...way! 33 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,643 - Wait, give me that! That's Baby Jesus! 34 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,572 That is sweet little Baby Jesus! 35 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,177 You leave him alone, you monster! 36 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,180 - They're all dolls, Glenn. 37 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:21,182 [upbeat music] 38 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,845 * 39 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,853 [bell ringing] 40 00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:28,386 [quirky music] 41 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,692 - Come on, I don't know if it's a bulb or a stripped wire. 42 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,285 - Glenn, you've been trying 43 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,597 for two months to solve this problem. 44 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:35,898 I really don't think you're gonna crack it 45 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,529 on Christmas Eve. 46 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,465 - My grandmother would kill me for saying this, 47 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,140 but I just don't get why people 48 00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:42,399 make such a big deal out of Christmas. 49 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,266 - What? - I mean, real talk-- 50 00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:45,865 Christmas is pretty disappointing and overhyped. 51 00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:47,636 It's kind of like "Star Wars." - Whoa! 52 00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,305 - You don't like "Star Wars"? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 53 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,153 Can we just one-at-a-time this? 54 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:52,209 It's not about a day. 55 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:53,646 It's about looking back 56 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,651 on the year we shared and celebrating it. 57 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,153 - Yeah, let's celebrate the year a tornado hit the store. 58 00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,686 - My entire apartment got destroyed. 59 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,420 - I got a really annoying roommate, 60 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,555 and he won't leave. - I got a divorce. 61 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,491 - My boyfriend wound up in a coma. 62 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,726 - I am looking for a place. - Not looking hard enough. 63 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,901 - It's just a sucky year. - The doctors aren't sure 64 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,630 if he'll ever even-- - Cheyenne, can I have 65 00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:14,265 the voltage tester, please? - But I do have to say 66 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:15,902 I'm looking forward to next year. 67 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:19,336 I really feel like it's time to just start living life. 68 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:20,943 You know? Like, I don't know. 69 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,644 I feel like I can get wilder. - Oh, God. 70 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,247 You're not gonna cut your hair again, are you? 71 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,249 - No. I mean, maybe. 72 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,521 I don't know. I just mean, like... 73 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,220 finally taking those motorcycle lessons, 74 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,693 or skydiving, or, like, 75 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,261 maybe I'll get a tattoo. - [snorts] 76 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,930 [laughter] - Okay. Okay. 77 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,929 - There's just no way you're doing any of that. 78 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:44,401 - I'm serious. I-I'm going to unleash crazy Amy. 79 00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,232 [chuckles] 80 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,767 You guys can call me "Craymie." - Uh, no, thanks. 81 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,642 - Cray... - Not doing that. 82 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,541 Amy, Craymie. - Mm-hmm. 83 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,583 - All right, well, that was just a idea. 84 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,438 - Feels forced. 85 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,977 * What a bright time, it's the right time * 86 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:03,553 * To rock the night away 87 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:04,554 * Jingle bell-- 88 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,285 [bell ringing] 89 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,620 - Oh, dear God, it's cold out here. 90 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,285 - You're telling me. 91 00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,433 - Well, it's, uh, toasty inside, 92 00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:13,359 and you're not really getting any foot traffic anyway. 93 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:16,234 So would you mind stepping away from the door? 94 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,704 - I'm sorry? - You keep activating 95 00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,571 the automatic doors and letting the heat out. 96 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,300 Also, the bell ringing-- could you slow it down? 97 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,766 Right now you're at a bell, two, three, four. 98 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,535 Why don't you try a bell... 99 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:27,714 two... 100 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:30,341 three... four? 101 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:34,348 I only ask you because it's--it's just so annoying. 102 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:36,482 - Okay. - Thanks. 103 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:39,447 Who's a good boy? 104 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:43,457 - I think I saw the raccoon feces somewhere around-- 105 00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:47,331 Oh! Did someone leave hot cocoa 106 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,431 in the middle of the store... 107 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,334 with double the amount of cocoa powder? 108 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,397 It's so Christmas, huh? 109 00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,336 - Listen, Glenn, I know what you're trying to do. 110 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,411 But I'm actually trying to limit my carbs right now. 111 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,510 So just-- - Just try it. 112 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,312 - No, I don't want to. - Try the cocoa. 113 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,654 - No. - It's from Santa Claus. 114 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:09,548 - Glenn. - Okay, fine. I'll go first. 115 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:12,523 It's actually scalding hot, so maybe give it a minute. 116 00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:15,493 [Muzak playing] 117 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,633 * 118 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,358 - [sighs] Oh, great. 119 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,703 Narc alert. - Oh, it's the fun police. 120 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,599 - Time to get written up. - Mm-hmm. 121 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,401 - Why would you just assume I'm gonna turn you in? 122 00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,073 - I mean, it's nothing personal, but-- 123 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,300 - Yeah, you just always act all lame and stuff. 124 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,637 Like a narc. - Yeah, that's a good way 125 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,411 of putting it. - I don't understand 126 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,580 why everyone thinks I'm this little boring-- 127 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,379 All right, well, would a narc do this? 128 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,783 [clears throat] 129 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,584 - That was the tiniest sip I've ever seen. 130 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,076 - It feels like what a narc would do 131 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,547 to prove they're not a narc. - Yeah. 132 00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,686 - Okay, well, how about this? 133 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,891 [gulping] 134 00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:54,434 - I mean, now you're just stealing my alcohol. 135 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,762 - Ugh. 136 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,866 - Oh, hey, man. Merry Christmas. 137 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,639 - Oh, wow. Thank you, Garrett. 138 00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:04,369 This is-- [stammers] 139 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,335 I know things have been a little tense lately. 140 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,675 And I guess, you know, when you work with someone 141 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:12,580 you also live with, things can be a little-- 142 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,623 Oh, is that a-- is this a bath mat? 143 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,548 - Yeah, I just figured it'd be something you could use 144 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,715 based on the puddles by the shower. 145 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,463 - Well, this is awesome. - Yeah, right? 146 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:24,861 - Thank you. 147 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,792 You know, I haven't bought your gift yet. 148 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,897 - Oh, not necessary. - But I was thinking, you know, 149 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,559 what about noise-canceling headphones? 150 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:31,898 You know? So you don't--you don't have 151 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,602 to keep banging on the wall 152 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,144 every time I make the tiniest peep. 153 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,138 - Or you could save some money 154 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,940 and just quit it with the harmonica lessons on YouTube. 155 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,782 That would be a gift. - Ha! Yeah. 156 00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,709 Yeah, it would be. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. 157 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,484 - Oh, it could be. - Uh-huh. 158 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:46,913 It could be. - Yeah. 159 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,447 - Ah, anyway, good talk. - Oh, great talk. 160 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,393 - Incredible talk. - Marvelous talk. 161 00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:53,649 - Awesome talk. I'm out of earshot. 162 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,857 - And then another time, I thought Jerry came 163 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,429 out of his coma and winked at me, 164 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,689 but turns out, it was just a muscle spasm 165 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,128 from low folic acid. 166 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,832 - Uh-huh. - Did you check the twitch 167 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,474 for Morse Code? He could have been telling you 168 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,739 to stop talking, or it's possible 169 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,538 he's in so much pain, he's just begging anyone 170 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,170 to pull the plug. I think that's what it was. 171 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,584 - Yo, yo, yo. Cheer up, losers! 172 00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,748 It's Christmas! - What are you doing? 173 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:20,908 - Turning this into a par-tay. - Uh-oh! 174 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,778 - Oh! - Yeah! 175 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,846 - I have ecstasy in my car. - We'll start here 176 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,685 and then see where the day takes us. 177 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,590 Spread the word, bitches. Craymie in the house! 178 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:32,493 - Yeah, go, Creamy! Go, Creamy! 179 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:34,626 Creamy is here! [laughs] 180 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:38,832 - Who's Creamy? - I don't--uh... 181 00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:41,869 . 182 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:42,642 - * Out of all the reindeer 183 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,942 * You know you're the mastermind * 184 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:51,454 * Run, run, Rudolph, Randolph ain't too far behind * 185 00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:52,649 - Oh! - Yes! 186 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,920 [bell ringing] 187 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,478 - All right, listen, it is dangerously 188 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,487 cold out here, and I cannot turn 189 00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:00,649 a blind eye to this, not on Christmas. 190 00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:02,588 - Thank you. - Come on, little buddy. 191 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,123 You'll be warm inside. 192 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:08,497 Bell...two..three...four. 193 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,529 - You just didn't know me before. 194 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,934 Like, before I was married, when I was in high school, 195 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,597 I was... [scoffs] wild. 196 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,166 [laughter] 197 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:20,974 Uh, I was, you guys. I was a teen mom. 198 00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,178 - Yeah, but weren't you 19? - Still a teen. 199 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,210 - In some countries, that's considered late. 200 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,105 Angola, for instance. 201 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,247 - Okay, well, we're not in stupid Angola, Marcus. 202 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,122 - Uh, good, 'cause you wouldn't last 203 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,491 five minutes there. - No, you guys, I'm serious. 204 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,621 I used to, like, shoplift bulk candy 205 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:38,686 and, like, run, and one time I stole a car. 206 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:41,156 - Yeah. [laughter] 207 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,064 Okay. - No, you guys, I did. 208 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,996 It was 10th grade. 209 00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,002 I took my math teacher's Kia, 210 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:50,144 drove it to the Burger King, got some French toast sticks, 211 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,270 and then I just left it there-- like, bounced. 212 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,235 - The French toast sticks were a little too specific. 213 00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,684 But nice try. 214 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,709 - Yeah, you would never do that. 215 00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,145 - No, I did do that. 216 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,609 You know what? I could call Adam. 217 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:01,948 He'll tell you the whole story. 218 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,122 - Mm-hmm. - All right. 219 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,290 Call him. - Okay. I will. 220 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,889 And then we'll see who's crazy. 221 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,893 - I had a ton of friends in high school. 222 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,525 [line trilling] It was awesome. 223 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,701 - Amy? - Adam, hi. 224 00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:17,929 Yeah, it's Amy. Um, okay, so... 225 00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,095 tell everyone about that one--do you remember-- 226 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,303 - Start a fire, or-- - Shh, shh. 227 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,065 - Who was that? - Uh, that's, uh-- 228 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:28,035 That's Bridgett. Emma's friend Crystal's mom. 229 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:30,235 - Wait, Crystal's over? I thought Emma was away. 230 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:33,747 - No, I'm at her place. Um, what did you want? 231 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,119 - Nothing. Merry Christmas. 232 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,124 - Ha ha. Chickened out. 233 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,626 Couldn't even ask about the car. 234 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:45,958 - [chuckles] 235 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,133 [ball clatters] - Boom! 236 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,630 Oh, yes, yes! - Ugh! 237 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,933 ["Feliz Navidad" playing] 238 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,636 * Feliz Navidad, próspero año y felicidad * 239 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,140 You see all the dirt, grime, and gum? 240 00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,071 That gets on the bottom of your shoes, 241 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,077 and then you put your shoes on my couch. 242 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,779 - Which is why I lay my shoes on their side 243 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,212 so that the soles don't touch the fabric. 244 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,777 - Oh, you know, I think you're working too hard. 245 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,576 Why don't you just take off your shoes? 246 00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,088 - Oh, yeah. - Hey, guys? 247 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,689 There's a dad here with his kid, 248 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,221 asking where the store Santa is. 249 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,085 - Tell him to check the drunk tank. 250 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,034 Apparently Santa's Christmas cheer level was at a .08. 251 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,260 - Maybe Santa has to drink because Mrs. Claus 252 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,255 won't get off his back about shoes on the couch. 253 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,997 - Call me Mrs. Claus one more time. 254 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:29,273 - Guys, they drove an hour to get here. 255 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,672 - [sighs] 256 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,265 - Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! 257 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:38,377 - Merry Christmas from me, too. I'm an elf. 258 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:41,051 - Well, I've come up with my New Year's resolutions-- 259 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,121 more birds, more sex, more Judo. 260 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,220 And I'm gonna try to pepper, "Yas, queen," 261 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,352 into conversation more-- I think it's time. 262 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,117 - We're checking out that skank 263 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,116 that Amy's ex-husband is sleeping with. 264 00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,728 - No, uh-uh. We don't know that they're sleeping together. 265 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:56,161 There's a lot of reasons he could be at that skank's house. 266 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:58,796 Oh, there she is. - Mmm. 267 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,232 - [snorts] Always, like, lurking around, 268 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,398 waiting for a dad to come on the market. 269 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:06,266 - Yeah, she's so... 270 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,376 both: Basic. 271 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,278 - Adam got with that? 272 00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:12,380 Guy's fighting above his weight class. 273 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,212 Good for him. 274 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,418 - * Deck the halls with boughs of holly * 275 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,291 * Rockin' around the Christmas tree * 276 00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,821 * Have a happy-- 277 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,756 - I've never done it before, 278 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,132 but I could use triple the powder. 279 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,130 - Glenn, it's not like I hate Christmas or anything. 280 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:30,762 It's fine. - "Fine"? 281 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:36,098 So "Winter Wonderland" is okay, and-- 282 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,106 You want to see what Christmas is all about? 283 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,138 Come here. - Glenn-- 284 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,183 - Excuse me. 285 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,309 You seem to have been bitten by the Christmas bug. 286 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,684 - Sorry, we're making up for lost time. 287 00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,184 - Oh, no, no, no. Kiss away. 288 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:51,175 It must be Christmas moments like this 289 00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,218 that get you through your next tour. 290 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,463 - Oh, there won't be a next tour. 291 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,788 - Oh? - Tell him why, Hank. 292 00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:00,185 - I... 293 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:03,327 Okay, I was smoking something I did not know was meth. 294 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,303 - Okay. - Then somehow my gun 295 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,102 ended up going off and shooting a service animal 296 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:08,774 at close range. - Oh, God. 297 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:10,402 - He's got a tiny limp. He's fine. 298 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,437 - I bet he's loving it. - W-wait. 299 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,242 It's still a Christmas miracle 300 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,344 that you're home for the birth of your baby. 301 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,906 - The birth of a baby, anyway. - Hank. 302 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,806 - I've been gone a year, Samantha. 303 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,818 - Hey, uh, thank you for your service. 304 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,480 - It's a delayed fetus! 305 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,117 - I Googled that! No results! - We have to go. 306 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,493 - There's cocoa in aisle nine. 307 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,420 - Your brother wasn't even in town. 308 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,216 - Should I tell you what I want? 309 00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,088 - Yeah, that's a great place to start. 310 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,426 Uh, were you good this year? - Yes. 311 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,502 - And would you like Santa to bring you a real gift 312 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,870 or a passive-aggressive one? 313 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,240 - Well, that depends. Did you put your water glasses 314 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,869 back in the sink, or are there 100 of them 315 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,744 on your night stand? - Come on, guys. 316 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,243 - That's so funny, 'cause I seem to remember 317 00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:48,814 Santa saying, "Make yourself at home." 318 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,512 But I guess-- - Elves don't talk. 319 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,513 - Oh, right, of course, because if we do, Santa... 320 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,775 bangs on the wall for us to shut up. 321 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,375 - Now say, "Candy canes!" 322 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,116 - [together] Candy cane! [camera shutter clicks] 323 00:11:58,151 --> 00:11:59,451 - I mean, it's just-- It's messed up. 324 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,316 - It is so messed up. - You know what? 325 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:04,194 I'm just gonna say it. Men are from Mars. 326 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,394 I just came up with that. 327 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,155 - Oh, yes! - Boom, boom. 328 00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:08,864 - Do you know what I feel like I should do? 329 00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:11,926 I feel like it's a good idea to, like, go down there. 330 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:15,295 Go to her place. - To Bridgett's house? 331 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,265 - Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking. 332 00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:21,984 - No. No, no, no, no, no, no. You should not go over there. 333 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,179 We should all go over there. 334 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:25,881 - Yes. - To Bridgett's house? 335 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,313 - Yeah, just always assume 336 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,547 we're talking about Bridgett's house. 337 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,521 - Yes, let's do it. - Okay. 338 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,421 Oh, but how are we gonna get there? 339 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,393 Because I try not to drive if I've had more than six. 340 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,293 - Oh, yeah, I should not be getting 341 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,225 behind the wheel of a car right now. 342 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,900 [B. Lloyd's "Heavy"] 343 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,229 - * The next level 344 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,233 [all screaming] 345 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,466 * 346 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,240 - Later, suckers! - We're free! 347 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,541 - Whoo! 348 00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:57,140 . 349 00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:57,507 [horn honking] 350 00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,482 - This is just like the movie "Wild Hogs." 351 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,424 - What? - "Wild Hogs"! 352 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,090 - Okay. - And we're sure this is 353 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,489 faster than walking? 354 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,955 [ball clatters] - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 355 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,855 Who wants to do Adderall off my boobs? 356 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,427 I just crushed it up. 357 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,025 - Kind of in the middle of a game here. 358 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,097 - Okay. 359 00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,404 - Mmm! - Okay. 360 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,574 - This is it-- the vulture's nest. 361 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,837 - Whoa. Look at all this stuff. 362 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:32,207 - Three owls? News flash-- 363 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,845 owls are notoriously solitary. 364 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,582 - Three-owl bitch. - All right. 365 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:39,116 I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna go knock on the door. 366 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,492 - Great, and then what? 367 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,520 - And then... 368 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,487 Adam opens the door, and then I get to see 369 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,096 the look on his face. - Yas, queen! 370 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,129 - Yes! - I bet it's gonna be all like, 371 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:54,974 "Whoa, you're a crazy stalker. I'm scared." 372 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,536 - Oh, my God. This is a mistake. 373 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,914 - Uh, a mistake that we're gonna laugh about one day. 374 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,254 - But not today. 375 00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,948 - Oh, no, no, no. Today's gonna be a mess. 376 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,219 - We got to go. We got to go. 377 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,021 - Go, go, go, go, go! - Oh! 378 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,493 - Okay. - Get out of here. 379 00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,961 [cart beeping] 380 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,459 Oh, my God. My battery's dead. 381 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,960 - Mine too. - Hey, jump on with me. 382 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:21,032 I still got some juice. - Okay. 383 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,931 - Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. - What? 384 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,663 - The max capacity for the basket is a buck-fifty. 385 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,227 - What, are you kidding me? I don't weigh 150 pounds. 386 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,567 - If you say so, but I'm weighing you 387 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,571 when we get back. - Amy? 388 00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,213 Is that you? 389 00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:33,969 - Adam? 390 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:37,637 Dubanowski? You guys--you remember Adam. 391 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,677 - So random! - Oh, yeah. 392 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,952 Yeah. - [laughing] 393 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,922 - Look, I'm sorry I called Christmas "fine," okay? 394 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:51,115 - Look, just trust me. When you see a child's face 395 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,058 light up at the sight of Old Saint Nick-- 396 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,933 - You're honestly claiming 397 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,662 your life hasn't been improved by fajita Thursdays? 398 00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,526 - Oh, you mean "clean up my greasy kitchen 399 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,165 'cause Jonah thinks he's Bobby Flay" Thursdays? 400 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,670 - What the [bleep] is wrong with you? 401 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,071 - What the [bleep] is wrong with you? 402 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,543 - [screams] 403 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,706 - Magical. 404 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,211 [electricity humming] 405 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,947 - Mmm. Wow. 406 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:21,215 This coffee is... terrible. 407 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,094 Awful. Yeah, tastes like piss. 408 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:27,093 I feel like I'm drinking piss. - Oh, uh, sorry. 409 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,627 - So I bet you guys are wondering why we're here. 410 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,302 - Yeah, kind of. Yeah. 411 00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,631 - Well, get ready to die. [chuckles] 412 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,097 Not because I'm gonna kill you, 413 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,506 just 'cause it-- it's a really fun story. 414 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,008 Um, I told my coworkers 415 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,640 that I stole a car in 10th grade, 416 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,244 and they didn't believe me. 417 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,546 So I just need Adam to verify that. 418 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,508 - She did. 10th grade. 419 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,277 - Well, there you go. It happ--it happened. 420 00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:52,047 - So you drove a shopping cart three miles 421 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,715 through the freezing cold to-- 422 00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:56,523 - Maybe you should tell us why you're here, Adam, 423 00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:59,256 with little miss tight sweater and her disgusting coffee, 424 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,062 which if I could just get a top-up... 425 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:03,204 - Uh, sure. Yes. 426 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:07,770 - Um, okay. Well, this is awkward. 427 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:12,070 But me and Bridge have been seeing each other. 428 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,535 - [gulps] - Wow. 429 00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:15,283 Bridge. Okay. 430 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,578 - I didn't know if--if I was supposed to tell you. 431 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,280 It's not like there's a-a rulebook for this kind of-- 432 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,683 - Oh, what about the rulebook of respect? 433 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,024 - That's--No, I-- - Oh, please. 434 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,650 Do you roast your own beans? 435 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,024 - Okay, guys, it's fine. Look, Adam's moving on. 436 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,594 I'm moving on, too. 437 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:30,261 I just started taking skydiving lessons. 438 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,230 So we're both killing it. We should go. 439 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,160 - We have to wait for the scooter to charge. 440 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,055 - Okay, we should sit. 441 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:45,341 - You wouldn't happen to have a scale we could use, would you? 442 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:46,642 Forget it. 443 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,582 - You okay? - Huh? Yeah. 444 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,181 Yeah, yeah. Fine. 445 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:55,053 - Okay, 'cause you look a little bit 446 00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:56,722 like a disgruntled Keebler Elf 447 00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,319 about to shoot up the tree house. 448 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,721 - It's just--it's like he wants to be mad at me, 449 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,223 so he just comes up with these little excuses. 450 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,056 You know, like, he'll-- he'll take the trash out 451 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,332 when it's half full just so he can be like, 452 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,229 "There's another thing Jonah didn't do." 453 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,201 [sighs] - I only take my trash out 454 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,800 when it topples over like a Jenga tower. 455 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:14,701 - Right? Thank you. Maybe we should be roommates. 456 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,704 - Well, I'd have to run your credit check. 457 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,236 - Oh, yeah? 458 00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,741 - What's your debt-to-income ratio? 459 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,212 - I want to say...seven. Is that-- 460 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,842 - That is not good. - Is that bad? No? 461 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,806 - No. - Well, I ran into 462 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,245 a lot of trouble with my, uh, Eddie Bauer Discover card. 463 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,821 College. - Yeah. 464 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:35,760 - * Just like the ones I used to know * 465 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:38,728 * 466 00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,758 - Well... - Yep. 467 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:44,103 - That was mortifying for you. - Mm-hmm, I was there, Dina. 468 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,771 ["Winter Wonderland" playing] 469 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,368 - Wow. I don't know what the hell that was. 470 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,341 - Okay, that was crazy. 471 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,110 - What are you doing? - I told you. 472 00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,680 I'm Craymie. Year of Craymie! 473 00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:59,248 Quick, take something! Hurry, come on! 474 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:00,649 Go, go! 475 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,450 * 476 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,193 - Go, go, go, go! 477 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,448 - Go, go! - Don't fail me now! 478 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,757 - Go! - There I go! 479 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,118 - Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! 480 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,727 - Yas, queen! 481 00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:19,472 . 482 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:20,069 - I took this from the lawn 483 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,401 of my ex-husband's girlfriend! 484 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,267 all: Whoo! 485 00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:28,907 [laughter] 486 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,911 - So you put water in his shampoo? 487 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,353 - I was diluting it to make more, okay? 488 00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,180 - Oh, God. [laughs] 489 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:37,615 - Wow, I am the worst roommate ever. 490 00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,590 - I mean, I wouldn't call you great. 491 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,489 - Yeah. - But at least... 492 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:45,192 Nope, I got nothing. [both laugh] 493 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,195 - Jeez. Maybe my Christmas present 494 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,898 to Garrett should be a night off from me. 495 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,599 - Well, I know this dive bar 496 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,531 that's open all night Christmas Eve. 497 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,196 They have a pool table 498 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:56,695 and one of those video poker machines... 499 00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,266 - Oh. 500 00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,865 - That's just sexual for no reason. 501 00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,566 - Oh, well, that sounds festive. 502 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,378 - [laughs] - Yeah, I could-- 503 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,710 I could stay at, like, a creepy motel nearby. 504 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,215 - Yeah, yeah, or, I don't know, 505 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,478 maybe we'll hit it off, and you'll end up at my place. 506 00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,687 [both laughing] 507 00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:18,461 - * And since we've no place to go * 508 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,691 * Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow * 509 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,328 - So you guys stole her lawn ornaments? 510 00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,374 - Mm-hmm. - Girl, you are getting crazy. 511 00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:29,939 - I told you guys. I am a psycho. 512 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:33,239 - Oh, yeah, you got to let Craymie out more often. 513 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,973 But call her something else, 514 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,277 'cause that name sucks. [laughter] 515 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,580 - What's wrong with Craymie? - Hey, man, I'm gonna-- 516 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,612 I'm gonna crash elsewhere tonight, so... 517 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,548 Not in, like, a spiteful way or anything. 518 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:47,353 Just, you know, uh, merry Christmas. 519 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:50,257 - Okay, thanks. 520 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,290 - And I can--I can just, like, send you my--my add-- 521 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,485 the--the address of where we're gonna be-- 522 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,426 - I'll be fine. - Yeah. 523 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,702 I'll just--I'll just drop a pin and text it to you, then. 524 00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,529 - Okay. 525 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,695 - Well, I think I finally figured out 526 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,703 these Christmas lights. 527 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,405 See if you can still call this "fine." 528 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,408 - Wow. Christmas lights. 529 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,510 I've never experienced the miracle of little lightbulbs 530 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,312 on a string before. 531 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,554 [all gasp] 532 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:17,750 - Oh! - Wow! 533 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:21,324 [The James Hunter Six's "This is Where We Came In"] 534 00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:23,364 - * I know how it's gonna end * 535 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,430 * And this is where we came in * 536 00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:28,258 - That's, uh... super lame. 537 00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:30,995 - Yeah. Super lame. 538 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,700 - * Old familiar signs 539 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,303 - Where's Jonah? 540 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:39,006 He would love this. 541 00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:40,708 - You know, I, uh, went to college 542 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,710 on a pool scholarship. 543 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,452 - Is that right? - I'm really good at pool. 544 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:46,608 * 545 00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:51,316 [cell phone ringing, vibrating] 546 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,451 - Hello? 547 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:56,516 [gasps] Really? 548 00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,586 Yeah, hold on. 549 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,355 You guys! Jerry's out of his coma! 550 00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:04,604 Is anyone sober enough to take me to the hospital? 551 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,066 I'll be right there. 552 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:12,040 ["Joy to the World" playing] 553 00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:14,471 - * Joy to the world 554 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:17,477 * The Lord is come 555 00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:22,650 * Let Earth receive her king