.
- * Two little dickie birds sitting on a wall *
* One name Peter, one named Paul *
- I don't understand why Glenn needs the shots
if you're the one carrying the baby.
- If I have to pump myself full of hormones
in order to carry his child,
it's only fair that he go through the same pain.
- Yeah, but with saline, so that
my male parts don't turn into female parts.
- Yeah, that's how it works.
- I just can't believe you guys are making a baby.
You don't even like each other.
- If I wanted to avoid doing things with people I hate,
I would literally never leave my house.
And believe me, I am only doing it for the money.
- And believe me, if there was any other usable, affordable
womb within 1,000 miles of here,
I would not be using hers.
- It just sucks that you have to get so many shots.
- Well, I had the option of taking them orally.
- That's why.
*
- Um...
- Like you were alive during the '90s.
- Yeah, I was. Yep, the roaring '90s.
- So, what would you say would be the best piñata
for a Green Day-themed birthday party for a two
- Um, okay.
Let's back that up real quick.
Harmonica's into Green Day?
- I doubt she's ever heard of them.
She's two.
But it's my mom's favorite band,
and it's just easier not to argue with her.
- Wouldn't your mom be okay
with something a little more kid
Like, I don't know, "Minions?"
- She just got out of jail. Minions are criminals.
That could suck her right back in to the lifestyle.
- Good point. Um...
All right, well, what about, like, mermaids?
- I don't know. My mom really wants Green Day.
- Mermaids are a lot like Green Day.
They're half-fish, half-human,
they're like rebels.
You know, down for whatever.
In fact, they used to call Green Day
the mermaids of '90s rock.
- Mm-hmm.
It's totally true.
- Jonah, which puzzle seems more fun for the cabin?
"Bubbling Mountain Brook," or "Ankylosaurs?"
- Let's go "Bubbling Brook."
- Ooh, bad boy. I like it.
Okay, I'm gonna go hide it so nobody else
buys it before we can.
- Ooh, good idea.
- Pretty steamy weekend you guys got planned.
Yeah, I'm excited.
- Not as excited as I am.
I got the apartment to myself, Randy's gonna come over,
we're gonna strap into our video game chairs
and not move for 70 hours straight.
- Oh, um...
Randy's coming over.
Cool.
- You're gonna be having sex on a jigsaw puzzle in the Ozarks,
and you're jealous of Randy?
No.
I just didn't know he was gonna come over,
so that's just, you know, news to me, is all.
Cool.
- 20,000, for the most beautiful gift...
Okay, I ran out of space again.
I'm just gonna void this, and I'll do another one.
- It doesn't have to be perfect.
- No, I am not starting out this journey with a mistake.
Here, you can fill out the forms
while I write another one.
"Gestational surrogacy agreement."
You're making me sign a contract?
- It's what they say you're supposed to do.
- "Regular checkups," "custody release--"
Okay, wait, you think I want to steal your kid?
And then what? Have to spend years explaining
why it's good thing to be chosen last for dodgeball?
- No, it's just better safe than sorry.
- No, no, no, that's fine, that's fine.
You know what? I am gonna give this a read,
and I'll let you know if I have any thoughts.
- It should be fine. It was the first one on Google.
- Oh, look how cute!
Mermaid treasure for the treasure hunt.
- Wouldn't mermaid treasure be something
they don't have general access to?
Like, human garbage would be treasure to them.
- I wish I were a mermaid. I would clean up.
- I think you'd be a mer-man.
- Yeah, I don't really buy mermen as a thing.
- Then how did they use to, you know...
?
Unless that's why they went extinct.
- They didn't go extinct.
They lost their tails over the course of centuries
and turned into humans.
It's called evolution.
- I don't think so.
- Okay, fine, God made us.
- Look at the human eye.
It's too complicated.
- No, I believe in evolution.
I'm just saying it's make believe--it's like unicorns.
- We don't know that there were never unicorns.
I read that we discover like 50 new species of frogs each year.
Maybe scientists just haven't discovered unicorns yet.
- Frogs are tiny. I think somebody
would've noticed a unicorn.
- A lot of people believe unicorns exist.
- A lot of people believe in bigfoot.
A lot of people believe in angels!
- I believe in angels.
No, you don't.
- Yeah, I do.
- I used to think kangaroos were real.
[Green Day's "Paranoid" plays on the muzak]
- * Sometimes I give myself the creeps *
* Sometimes my mind plays tricks on *
- "Surrogate shall be reimbursed
for all tailoring expenses?"
- I'm gonna have to have my clothes converted
to maternity clothes and then converted back after.
- "In the event of a baby over eight pounds,
lessee will reimburse leaser for vaginal reconstruction."
- Hey, I was happy to have a gentleman's agreement.
You're the one who wanted to get all formal about it.
- I'm gonna have to take some time to review these changes.
- Sure, oh, FYI, clauses 30-49 are all vag-related,
and the last page is the before photos.
- Whoa, Oreo really upped its game while I was in prison.
It's like a fat kid's fever dream.
- Oh, Amy, this is my mom.
- Oh, my gosh! Hi!
- You're the famous Amy.
I've heard so much about you over the years,
I feel like I know you.
I'm so sorry about the divorce and how your life is going.
- Oh, um, thank you.
Uh, so what brings you to the store?
- Oh, she was just bringing me this shirt that she got me
that I forgot to put on this morning.
- It's more professional.
And I gotta get some stuff for the party.
Do you have a Green Day-themed bouncy house?
What happened with mermaids?
- My mom thought we should go back to Green Day.
- Mermaids is a little juvenile, don't you think?
- Well, I mean, it is a two-year-old's birthday party,
and Chey really liked the idea--
- Amy, I don't mean to be rude,
I know you've been kind of a mother figure
for Cheyenne while I've been away, but...
I'm her actual mother,
so don't you have some shelving to do or something?
- Yes, sure.
Yeah, sorry.
- Okay. - Bye.
Cinnamon bun Oreos?
.
- "I'm her actual mother."
What does that even mean?
- Hard to say.
It either means she's the one who gave birth to her,
or...
that's the only thing that it means.
- Well, it doesn't give her the right to just swoop in,
and start changing up perfectly good shirts,
and perfectly good parties.
I mean, mermaids is a better theme than Green Day.
Like, that's an objective fact, right?
- I like Green Day.
Name three of their songs.
- "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," "Good Riddance,"
"When I Come Around."
- Okay, well, those are the obvious ones--name three more.
- "Basket Case," "Longview," "American Idiot."
- You are a very irritating person.
- I just don't think that you should butt in.
- You--you butt in all the time.
That's why your butt is so big.
- "Welcome to Paradise."
"Wake Me Up When September Ends."
I love Green Day.
- I've never really hired a lawyer before.
But I just wanted to make sure everything
Dina put in was kosher.
- Yeah, well, that makes sense.
- I'm sorry about using the word "kosher."
That wasn't a comment on your religion.
- Oh, I'm not Jewish.
- Okay.
I don't mind, though.
Well, is it basically okay?
- Yeah, mostly there's just a couple small, little nitpicky
things that might be worth discussing with Dina.
- Oh, okay. I could go get her right now.
- Yeah.
- I'll bring in a bagel and a smear.
- Again, I am not, uh...
You know what? An onion bagel would be great.
- Onion bagel.
- Do you think Green Day is a mistake?
- Well, you know, I-I don't want to butt in, or--
But yes, I do, it's crazy. Cuckoo bananas, makes no sense.
- You think mermaids would be better?
- Yes, 100%, I think you should do mermaids.
Look, Chey,
you don't have to do everything your mom tells you to do
just because she's your mom.
- I just--I have a hard time standing up to her.
She never listens to what I want.
- Well, you just gotta sit her down, and tell her,
"I am a grownup. I make my own decisions."
- You want me to brag about you to my mom?
- Uh-uh.
Sorry.
You would say you were a grownup,
you make your own decisions.
- She knows she's a grownup.
- Why don't we go talk to her together?
- Okay.
- All right, yeah.
- I was reading about our Airbnb,
and it said that the toilet is sensitive,
so maybe don't flush your baby wipes.
- Yeah, of course, totally.
Um, hey, earlier, uh, when you were talking about
how you believed in angels,
you meant, sort of, like a general, ineffable
sense of spiritual presence, right?
Not--not like magical little creatures flying around?
- Yeah, I mean, I--
- Oh, no, no, I'm not a child. - Okay, all right, okay.
Okay, I was just-- I was just checking.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, by angels, I meant like regular-sized,
celestial beings who look out for us.
- Right.
Right, yeah, but not--not with, like, with halos and wings.
- No, they have halos and wings, they're angels.
- Right.
Okay, cool, yeah, no, I was just, um...
I was just checking, so.
Are they dog? I don't know what they are.
- Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys! - Shh! Shh!
- Two chupacabra sightings,
two remote Mexican villages,
same exact description.
And you know those people don't have the Internet.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay, I'm sold.
I'm putting it in real.
- You know what should be in mythical?
A man who knows where the G-spot is.
- Justine,
contribute, or leave.
- It's the third time you've made that joke.
- Oh, so now, we're lawyering up, is that it?
- No, no, no, no. Bruce is a friend.
He's here to help us.
It's more like we're "friending" up.
- I'm not here to make anything contentious.
I just want to make sure
there's no misunderstandings down the road.
He's a nice guy.
- So, as I understand it,
you both mutually agreed to this surrogacy, so...
- Mm-hmm. - If you were to fail to honor
your agreement, we would be forced
to go after you with extreme prejudice.
- Wait...
- I'm sorry, maybe I wasn't being clear.
Um, we would sue you for every penny that you're worth.
We would own you, 'cause you mess with Glenn Sturgis,
you get the horns!
- Okay, this is not--this is not what we talked about.
- So you either sign this contract,
or we're gonna bury you under so much paperwork
you're gonna need a machete
to get from your bedroom to your bathroom!
- Well, the joke's on you, because I keep a machete
in every room in my house.
- Okay, we're losing the magic
of the journey that we're going on together.
- Sign the contract, Ms. Fox. You sign it!
- You want to come after me, Glenn?
- No. - Well, bring it on.
And as for you, I have a cousin at the Bar Association,
so you better pray to God your CLE credits are up to date.
- Well, I think that was a nice opening bid.
Oh, is this whitefish?
- Uh, which answer leads to no follow
- Kelly believes in 'em.
Like believes believes, you know?
It's like wings and halos and harps.
Well, I didn't ask about harps, but I assume--
- So she believes in angels. Who cares?
- I don't care, no, I just--
I just think it's interesting, you know,
I mean, I don't believe in angels,
but if she wants to believe in angels,
then I respect that, you know?
Doesn't bother me.
Is that something you think would bother you?
- Maybe, I don't know. Hey, when do you guys leave?
Because I'm about to order a 22-foot sub,
and I'd prefer to keep it intact,
so one end has to start in your room.
- So there are a couple issues.
- Wow, that's complex.
That is complex.
- Um, your daughter is trying to have a conversation
with you, so if you could put the cookie down,
and try to engage meaningfully...
I'm so sorry, I was just recently in couple's therapy,
and that just popped out.
- All right, I'm engaging meaningfully.
- I don't want to do a Green Day party.
- I thought I asked you to mind your own business.
- This is all Cheyenne, I'm just here for support.
Green Day is dumb.
And you know what? I'm not going to college.
Huh? No, we didn't talk about that.
- Cheyenne, you're going to college.
- No, I'm not.
Just 'cause you're my mom doesn't mean that
you get to tell me what to do.
Right, Amy?
- Um, I mean, in general, that seems true--
She agrees.
I'm an adult, and I make my own decisions.
And so, I'm gonna buy a motorcycle,
or, I don't know, a monkey, maybe both.
- Um, could we just quickly go back to the college thing--
- You don't get to tell me what to eat, either!
So if I want to eat peyote,
I am gonna eat all the peyote I want.
And I'm getting a full-sized back tattoo
of the raccoon from "Guardians of the Galaxy,"
.
*
- So you're saying reindeers actually exist,
like, in the real world?
- We had a reindeer in the store on Christmas.
- I didn't think it was a real reindeer.
I thought it was a normal deer
with antlers nailed to its head.
- Oh, I don't think leprechauns should be in the real column.
- Is this still about the angel thing?
- Look, I get it.
I mean, it must be hard to believe in angels
if you've never seen one first-hand.
- Sure have.
- Shh! When?
- Well, um, when I was five,
I fell into the indoor pool
at the Silver Dollar City Ramada Inn.
- And I mean,
I sank like a brick.
And I remember thinking I'd never seen my parents again.
When suddenly, this figure appeared.
- He did have wings.
- Knew it. I knew it.
- And he sort of was like floating above me,
as if to say, "You're safe now."
Next thing I know, I'm back in our hotel room,
dry as a bone.
- Oh!
- Wow.
- That's real.
- Is it possible that the figure was floating
because he was, you know, in a pool?
- I know what I saw.
- Yeah, and I believe that you believe that you saw that,
but you were also deprived of oxygen for a little while--
- Because he's jelly of your peanut butter.
- No, no, no, no, no. I'm not--I'm not jelly, no.
I just--I just think, you know, maybe what you saw
wasn't, um, an angel.
Maybe what you saw was just a pasty hotel guest in a robe.
- Yeah, maybe.
Mm-hmm. Maybe I'll consider that
when I'm home this weekend, alone.
- Whoa, whoa, what are we talking about, now?
- Trouble in paradise.
- Have you been in the break room all day?
- Yeah, I'm just not feeling it today.
- Look, I'm sorry, I did not know that
she was gonna say those things.
All I said to her was that she should be able
to make her own decisions. But I am not her mom.
And if someone told my daughter not to listen to me,
well, then, I would be pretty upset.
So, I am sorry.
- I just get so worried
she's gonna make the same mistakes I did.
- Yeah. - I get so scared
she's gonna end up in jail,
or still working here when she's our age.
- Uh, yeah, I don't--
I don't know that those two are exactly equivalent.
- I don't know which is worse.
- Jail, probably.
- Well...
Hey, what do you think about Bo?
- Uh, I think he is an interesting individual.
- I think he's a loser.
- Clown. I mean, "clown"
is the first word that comes to mind.
When I think of him, like,
I half expect my hand to buzz when he shakes it.
- I don't think clowns do that any more,
but that's very funny.
You're funny.
- Hey.
Dina, I know things got a little heated--
- Listen, I apologize if I overreacted.
- Oh, thank God. Me too.
- The things is, I'm gonna go have sex
with Marcus in a few minutes.
- That's the special project you needed help with?
Sweet!
- Why would you-- - There's just an attraction
there, I can't deny it,
blah, blah, blah, the point is,
maybe I get pregnant, maybe I don't.
Who knows?
So this could be all booked up.
No room at the inn.
- You can't do this.
- Oh, I am going to with zero protection.
- Amy and I think you need
to start getting serious about your life.
- No, I'm not on anyone's side.
I just agree with her on this stuff.
So, now I think it's time for you to engage meaningfully.
- You gotta be responsible, and part of being responsible
means getting rid of Bo.
- He's a loser, Amy and I both agree.
- No, uh-uh, I did never call him a loser.
- Sorry, I think I'm the one who called him a loser.
Amy called him a clown.
- I don't--I don't know how this is productive.
How about we get back to the college--
- I can't believe you guys.
- Amy and I are on the same page about this one.
I felt like that went so well.
She is so attached to Bo.
.
No kissing, no eye contact, I leave as soon as you're done?
- We're not sleeping together.
That was just a negotiation tactic with Glenn.
- Oh, right.
Of course. Smart.
I mean, if someone actually cared,
it could be super hurtful, but it's not me.
- Dina, I'd like you to meet my new surrogate.
She's ready to rock.
Isn't that right, Sandra?
- Yeah, I'm really excited.
And I have no problem signing all the paperwork,
so let's do it.
- Sandra, mm-hmm. You're gonna go with Sandra?
- Mm-hmm.
- You are gonna leave your baby at the mercy of a person
whose judgment is so bad she moved from Hawaii
to St. Louis?
- Yes, I am.
And as soon as I give Sandra the shot,
our deal is over.
- Fine, good.
Marcus!
That was just foreplay, all right?
We're about to get this thing going!
- Sandra, lift your shirt.
- Marcus, take off your shirt!
- Fair warning, I still have a bit of a Thanksgiving paunch
I'm working off. - All right, this is happening.
- Oh, oh, oh, well, you know what else is happening?
This thing over here! - Yeah, look at this!
Here we go!
- Take this off! - Come on, go, go, go!
- Guys, guys, guys!
You both know what you're doing, so stop pretending!
Glenn, you obviously don't want to use Sandra.
- Of course I don't want to use Sandra.
Who would want to use Sandra?
- You think I want to have sex with Marcus?
He starts every time by saying,
"I'm not really sure what I'm doing down there."
- Oh, sorry for being honest.
- Well, both of you clearly want this, so just get over it.
- Fine with me.
- All right.
- So...
I guess we should go back to work.
I honestly-- I can't tell anymore.
- Hey.
- Hey, join us.
- So you two are getting along.
- Yeah, we worked it all out.
- Good, good.
See? All it needed was a little bit of communication...
- Amy, we're gonna need you to engage meaningfully
for a minute.
- Shh! You're not engaging.
- Look, I love you, but sometimes,
you give a little bit too much advice.
Like, telling me how to spend my money,
or that my yearbook quote shouldn't be,
"Catch me outside, how 'bout that?"
- Yeah, I was just saying that yearbooks are permanent.
- You're pushy, you're manipulative,
and you were super mean about Bo.
I got a good one.
Your hair. Boom.
- That was harsh.
- I don't know, man, I mean, today it's angels,
tomorrow it's, let's go ghost hunting.
- Look, man, Kelly is cool, she's fun,
you guys should go away together.
- Yeah, well, maybe we will. Just not this weekend.
- No.
You have something special,
and you're gonna throw it all away
'cause she sees an angel or two?
- Are you just saying this because
you don't want to miss out on your epic gaming weekend
with Randy? - Screw the weekend!
This is about you and an amazing woman
that I don't want to see slip away.
- Okay, you can drop the cheesy rom com routine.
- Jonah, the world is a lonely place.
Now, when two people find love, they need to celebrate--
- Ironically, the content of everything
you're saying is true,
but you don't need to-- to dress it up in some--
- You have a real shot at happiness,
you dumb son of a bitch.
If you don't take it, I'll never forgive you.
But more importantly,
you'll never forgive you.
- Okay, I'll go talk to Kelly.
- You take that shot, man.
You go to her, and you never look back!
- I'm going to, but not because of this thing, okay?
- You get her back.
Sorry about that, dawg. Yes, we are back on.